From Nightbreak: Thanks to the Duke for allowing me to edit his first MSTing effort. I added riffs where I found room and incentive, too. Such as Luna's tragic "accident" on the ice. BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH! Duke? A MSTing from the (fortunately) stable mind of the Duke of Dispersion. Episode 101 The following is a MSTing of another author's work. The use of the copyrighted/trademarked material is for entertainment uses only and is completely non-profit. No infringement on the original copyrights/trademarks owned by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Anything mentioned in the following related to anime, characters, songs, quotes, movies, etc. are all the property of their original creators/distributors/etc. Just doing this so I don't have any problems folks. Everyone has to do this when MSTing stuff (Or writing Fanfics for that matter). I don't intend to be mean toward the original author. Just think of this as extravagant C&C. :) Now on to the MSTing! ;) Begin Mystery Anime Fanfic Theatre 3000 openingggggg...... now. In the not too distant future, Late 20th century AD There was this guy named Joel Not very different from you or me He worked at Gizmonic Institute Just another guy in a red jumpsuit He did a good job cleanin' up the place But his boss didn't like him So he shot him into spaaaaace! (Aiiiiii-eeeeeeeee!) We'll send him cheesy anime fanfics! The worst we can find! (La la la!) He'll have to sit and watch them all, and we'll monitor his mind (La la la!) Now keep in mind Joel can't control Where the fanfic begins or ends Cause' he used those special parts To create his robot friends (Zooooooooom!) ROBOT ROLL CALL: CAMBOT: "Roll em'." GYPSY: "Oh stars!" TOM SERVO: "Check me out!" CROOOOOW!: "Bite me!" If you're wondering how Joel eats and breathes And other science facts (La la la!) Then repeat to yourself it's just a fanfic MSTing You should really just relax On Mystery Anime Fanfic Theatre 3000! (Switch to the Satellite of Love) Crow is sitting on a beanbag chair in a comatose state, holding a thick book. His eyes are rolled over and he, overall, looks like a vegetable. Tom (Calling out in the near distance): Hey Crow, have you seen my garage kit paints anywhere? Just gotta' put some finishing touches on Belldandy's ey ....... Hey Crow, what's the matter? You look like Ranma after eating some of Akan.... (Servo discovers the hideously thick book that Crow is holding is none other than Debt of Honor by Tom Clancy). YEAHHGH! JOEL! JOEL! CROW'S DONE IT AGAIN! Joel: (Carrying a bottle of Root Beer.) "Lemmie' guess, Crow overdosed on Evangelion 0:13 again. Right? Tom: No! It's much worse! (Tom points Joel over to the book behind the mess) Joel: Ahhh I see. I told him that spending more than 2 hours reading those kind of books will zombify him. Tom: Can't you do something Joel!? Joel: Oh sure. I dealt with this problem all the time in my Junior year. Here, hand me that Calvin and Hobbes book. Break out the Fox Trot and Dilbert too for backup if needed. Tom: Does it matter which one? Joel: Try the newer ones, those will do the trick. (Tom gathers up the various newspaper comic books and piles them near Joel.) Joel: Now let's get started, we've got less than ten minutes! Joel picks out the Sunday editions of the strips and reads them out loud to the incapacitated Crow. After 7 and a half minutes of nonstop reading and showing of the vibrantly colored pages, Crow began to recover. Crow: Blaaaa... Blaaaagh! Joel: Ahhhhh, there we go. We broke him out of it. Crow: J-j-j-oel, T-t-t-om? C-c-c-hief? Tom: McCloud! Tee hee hee! Crow: Am I near p-p-aradise yet Gilligan? Joel: No Skipper. You just almost flushed your brain there by boring it senseless with that continuous reading. You just needed some wit and humor.... Oop! And we'll be right back. Commercial sign! Crow: Fonz? Tom: Eyyyyyy! Joel: Hey that's enough screwing around Tom. (Hits button) *About a dozen Kaluha, Psychic Friends junk is shown.* (Back to the SOL) Crow: Whoah, what was I thinking when buying this gunk? Ech! I need some Slayers fix now! Joel: Don't worry. It happens to people once in a while. Those thick books do look nifty, but they ain't exactly what you'd expect. (The Mad's light starts blinking) Tom: Looks like Ushio and Tora are calling.... (DEEP 13) Dr. Forrester is fiddling around with various buttons and knobs he installed around a mainframe with crazy junk surrounding it. Dr. F: So my space specimens. How does thy day fare? (SOL) Joel: Oh it's so-so. Tom doing his garage kits, me reading some Animages, Crow becoming a bowl of salad from reading Tom Clancy. You sir? (DEEP 13) Dr. F: Oh, don't worry Joel. I've been doing the usual too. You know that involves making your lives VERY uncomfortable. Correct? (SOL) Tom: Well duh! (DEEP 13) Dr. F: Well I'm glad that you accept that. Because soon you'll wish you never flaunted with a genius like me! Yeah. I should be maniacally laughing right now, but I want to save that for last. Shall we proceed with the invention exchange? (SOL) Crow: Let's get going Big Beefer! (DEEP 13) Dr. F: Mmmmgh. (murmurs) I hate it when 'golden boy' calls me that! Anyway, I feel like going ahead on this one Joel. Do you mind? (SOL) Joel: Let er' rip sir. (DEEP 13) Dr. F: Very well then. As you might have noticed, I've installed a bunch of extra additions to my computer down here. You see. I can now transport living organic things between the Anime universe, Earth, and of course the SOL. Frank, who you've noticed is absent today, is one of the vic.... err examples of this technology. Right now, Frank is wandering through downtown Nerima as we speak. (SOL) Tom: You sent Frank down to Nerima? Are you sure that's safe? What if Akane hears Ranma 'extolling' her cooking during lunchtime at... (DEEP 13) Dr. F: Yes, I know. But considering the other forms of varying punishment I've put him through, Nerima should be a walk in the park for him. (SOL) Joel: Oh, I'm still a *wee* bit skeptical about that... (NERIMA) Meanwhile, Frank is wandering near the Tendo household Frank: Heh. That's funny. There are only two holes in the roof as opposed to the usual five or nine. Most of them seem to be Ranma shaped. (DEEP 13) Dr. F: Well, you're probably asking me why I'm doing this? Well, I want to test the effects of these fanfics I send you on some of our anime 'friends' so that I'll be able to not only rule Earth, but the Ani-Verse as well! Mwahahahaha! (SOL) Crow: Oh yeah!? Well you'd better leave my Ryoko alone! Or else she'll have to discipline you, heh heh! Tom: Funny, I thought Ayeka would be the one to do that. Joel: Try both at the same time. (All of them start to giggle.) (DEEP 13) Dr. F: Well prepare yourself guys! Because here come the first of my unfortunate victims! BWAAHAHAHAHAHH!! Dr. Forrester starts to type in some commands into the mainframe while maintaining his evil badguy grin. Then he presses a button that will send Joel and the bots their new anime partner. (Gin Rei Von Vogler chatted calmly with her young friend Disaku.) Disaku: I sure hope Robo can take on what Big Fire throws at us. They seem to be getting tougher each day. Gin Rei: Well they'll have to worry about the other........ (Suddenly Gin-Rei vanishes in a split second, leaving Disaku confused.) Disaku: Huh? That's a funny time and place for her to use her teleportation powers. (SOL) (Gin-Rei appears in between Joel and Crow.) Gin-Rei: ...the hell? Crow: Allright! Some chicas! Gin-Rei: Hey! Who are ya' calling a chica you...... you strange, puppet looking thingy! Crow: Well, at least she didn't call me a muppet on first glance. Tom: Oh I wouldn't be so sure about that. Crow: Hey! (DEEP 13) Dr. F: Well now, Mrs. Von Vogler. Hope you're prepared for the order of hurt I've ordered up for you and my little guniea pigs. It's a crazy Sailor Moon fanfic that pits the Senshi against the NHL. Break down weeping at "Hockey Night in Tokyo"! (SOL) Gin-Rei: Geez, why do I always get the megalomaniacs around here? (Lights and Sirens start to sound and blink) All except Gin-Rei: OHHHHHH! WE'VE GOT SAILOR MOON SIGN!! Gin-Rei: Wha, wha!? Joel: Just follow me ma'am! DOOR SEQUENCE: 5.... 4.... 3.... 2.... 1.... Joel, the bots, and Gin-Rei take their seats in the theatre. Crow sits in the first one, Joel in the second, Tom in the third, and Gin-Rei in the fourth next to Tom. Gin-Rei: Can someone please clear this up for me?! Joel: Well, you see: That guy you saw on the screen was Dr. Forrester and he's the one keeping me and my friends up in this satellite above Earth where we watch bad movies and anime fan-fics. He thinks he can control Earth and the Ani-Verse by unleashing a movie or fanfic that will allow him to take over both worlds. Tom: Does that answer your question? Gin-Rei: Geez, and people think my father's crazy... So you just watch these fanfics? Crow: Yeah, but we riff em'. Just to ease the pain, if you know what I mean. Gin-Rei: Ahhh. I see. That should work. Sounds kinda' fun. Joel: Yeah. It can be. But you wouldn't believe the crap that Dr. F manages to dig up. One word: Oscar. Gin-Rei: Who's that? Tom: Trust me. You're better off not knowing. > "Hockey Night in Tokyo" Crow: Huh? Since when does Japan have a hockey team? Joel: Well, the NHL *is* giving franchises away for cheaper prices than a Slurpee. > By Lucas Bates Joel: (Imitates the screeching violin music from Psycho.) Tom: Gahhgh! My ears! Joel: Sorry > Part 1 > Copyright 1996 >Based on the show by Naoko Takeuchi. This story may not be altered >without permission. Gin-Rei (author): Well, except to make it better. . . > It may be distributed freely, provided it is not being charged for, and no > changes are made. Crow (Blackadder): It's quite good, sir. Might I change one small aspect of it? Tom (Hugh Larie): Of course! Which one? Crow (Blackadder): The words? >[Author's note: This takes place shortly after the episode "Last >Resort".] Gin-Rei: Yayyy! We're going to Vegas guys! All: LUCKY 'LEVEN BABY! Tom: Whoah. I'm impressed Grasshopper. Gin-Rei: Thanks. Us Members of Justice always adapt quickly to tight situations. >-**- Joel: Mmmm! Man that lemon's sour! Crow: Maybe the author just read That Girl! All except Gin-Rei: (shudder) Gin-Rei: Dr. F's a wonderworker I see, eh? >"Queen Beryl," Malachite said, approaching the Queen of the Negaverse, >"after researching more on the times of the Silver Millenium, I have >discovered that Joel (Malachite): I used to eat a lot of quiche. But I don't know why! > Sailor Venus was a great lover of the game known to humans today as Crow: Footsie... Joel: *Sigh.* I see you're getting warmed up, Crow. Remind me to tell Gin Rei about you. Gin-Rei: Don't worry Joel. I know plenty already. (Loads her pistol) Crow: D'oh! *gulp* > hockey. Tom: What did they call it back then if it wasn't hockey? Crow: "I'm Slipping, I'm Sliding, With the Boards I'm Colliding"? > I have reason to believe that if we advertise a game to be played, and offer a > contest to win free seats, Gin-Rei: Oh, and get some hockey players, too. > we might be able to attract the Sailor Scouts and trap them." Tom: We also give them free drinks. Joel: A final drink before getting trapped. Sounds okay with me. >Queen Beryl looked up at him. "Are you sure, Malachite? After so many >failures from doing similar things, Crow (Beryl): I'm surprised I haven't learned not to let you do stupid things anymore! >I'm not sure we can take the risk of letting you attempt another trap. Tom (Beryl): I know you'll fail anyway, but I'll let you carry on this doomed plan anyway. Joel: Gotta' keep the ending of the story predictable enough. >Suppose the Scouts are not able >to remember the times of the Silver Millenium." Crow (Malachite): By golly, you're right! They haven't so far, so why should they start now? >"It *will* work this time, my queen." He answered. Gin-Rei: (dull tone) I think... >"It had better, Malachite." She said. "Or else you might end up like >one of your predecessors- Jadeite, Neflyte or Zoisite." Crow: Scrubbing the urinals with their foreheads. Tom: Ick >Malachite visibly flinched at the mention of Zoisite's name. Crow (Malachite): What? My boy toy? Joel: Crow. . . Crow: Oh, come on. DiC wimped out. And they probably will again if they ever bring Haruka and Michiru over. Gen-Rei: Fanboy. >He saluted Beryl, and disappeared. Joel (Robert Stack): Malachite was never seen again. Maybe someone watching tonight knows his whereabouts. Join me, for Unsolved Mysteries. >-**- Crow: Duhhhh. Where did he go George? Where did he go? >Malachite picked up the picture of him and Zoisite. "I will get those >scouts for you, Zoisite. This time, I'll have a whole team of henchmen >to get them!" Gin-Rei: The stardard rock-stupid ones of course that can't tell their ass from a hold in the ground. Crow: Whoah! Settle down there girl. Gin-Rei: Why? I'm just warming up. (Winks) >Malachite heard a snickering behind him, and turned to find Prince >Darian there. Tom: Darien got a peek at Mr. Vertical Smile... > Malachite, I can't believe you're trying this again. >You've failed miserably each time you've attempted to get the Silver >Crystal!" Joel: (Malachite) Well they still pay me for it. Tom: Kinda' like how they pay teams to lose when playing the Harlem Globetrotters. (Crow starts whistling the Globetrotter theme.) >"Only from your interference, human!" Crow: (Malachite) So bite me! Yeah, that one should work. Heh heh. >Darian shook his head. "I don't agree with your methods, Bleach Head. Gin-Rei: (Malachite) Hey! At least I finally managed to get it down to the roots buddy! >Why not go yourself, and take it from them, instead of using humans? >I think that's a sign of a weak man." Tom (Darien): Honestly, just get a grenade and a funnel and do it the easy way! >Malachite scowled at Darian. Darian stood his ground, and resumed the >taunting. Joel: (Singing): Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah! Neener, neener, neener! I've got your weiner! Tom: That was sick Joel. Crow: And my repartee too. >"So if you fail this time, what next? Commandeer an army? >A nation? And what about those figure skaters? Gin-Rei: For some reason, I shudder to think what his figure skater plan was. Tom: You're not the only one. Joel (Malachite): Hey, leave Tonya and Nancy out of this! > This plan is too similar to that one. The Sailor Scouts will see right through > it, I'm sure." All: (snigger) Joel: Oh sure. And Clinton and Starr play bridge together every Tuesday. >"I don't recall you ever trying hard enough to get that crystal. You > show up, interfere with my plans, Tom (Malachite): Drink my beer, take my remote, don't flush the toilet. > and ruin any chance of retrieving it. Stay out of this." >"I can't do that, Malachite. We're both under orders to retrieve that >crystal- and I intend to carry out those orders. Crow (Darien): Plus, the author's in the wings with a gun. Just act casual and we'll both get through this. > Now, if you'll excuse me..." Tom: Gotta' use the little Darian's room. Gin-Rei (Darien): I had a second helping of Negaverse pudding at dinner. Hold my calls. > Darian turned and vanished. Malachite scowled after him. Gin-Rei: Hope my scowl can catch him. Joel: Careful. You make that face too often, it'll freeze like that. Crow (Malachite): My wips are shtuck! Shomboody HELP! -**- Tom: (Pinky) Narf! >"Yes, yes, yes!! Go!!! Come on, go!! He shoots! He scores! Yes!" Crow: Didn't know they made dating a national sport. >Mina was jumping up and down. Her team had just scored the goal which >would win the game. Gin-Rei: (whiny voice): It's game over man, game over! >Artemis looked at her from the couch where he was sleeping, and asked, >"What are you watching, Mina?" He yawned, still tired. Joel: (Mina) Just some Full House. Everyone: ARRGH! >She looked back at him. "Hockey, of course. This is one of the >championship games. The Maple Leafs are winning!" She said, grinning. Tom: When did they start playing Hockey in Japan? Did the NHL just haul themselves over there because they were tired of North America? Joel: Tom, you're thinking about the story again. Tom: Whoops. >Artemis considered something. He knew Sailor Venus had once tried to >organize a hockey team back on the moon, but it was just before the >Negaverse attack, so her plans didn't really go far. Joel: Probably because its kinda' hard to play hockey in an airless vacuum of an atmosphere. Tom (Venus): Stupid low gravity! >He was beginning >to wonder if Mina was starting to remember a little about her past. Tom: (Mina) Heh heh. That Simpsons episode was funny. >Mina turned back to the hockey game, and cheered the Leafs on. Gin-Rei: (Mina) HOW COULD YOU MISS THAT GOAL STUPID!? WAYNE GITZKY IS MORE LIKE IT! Tom: Can anyone else smell the cheese in this story? >Artemis figured he wasn't going to get much more sleep there, and left >to go see Luna. Crow: DANGER! DANGER WILL ROBINSON! LEMON SCENE DETECTED IN THE VICINITY! Tom: Hey! I'm the Robby imitator around here, Crow! Crow: Bite me! Joel: Guys... -**- Gin-Rei: I didn't know Betty Davis was in this fanfic. >"How long has she had an interest in this, Artemis?" Luna asked him. >"Well, her interest made itself more pronounced after we met up, Crow (Artemis): I blame Strike-Fiss, personally. > and she discovered she was a Sailor Scout, but I think she's liked hockey all >her life." Joel: Yeah. Mina likes a sport where guys kick the crap out of each other with hockey sticks and have missing teeth. I can believe that. Tom: (Pee-Wee Herman) And the secret words for today kiddies is... Out Of Character! Heh heh heh! >Luna sat down. "Could it be that some of them are starting to remember >life on the Moon? I mean, a few days ago, Crow (Luna): I caught Lita trying to hijack the latest NASA shuttle mission. > Serena really took an interest in figure skating..." Gin-Rei: And just *how* do hockey and figure skating relate to living on the Moon? Tom: Just smile and nod. >Artemis made a shrug-like gesture. Crow: Gee, could that have been a shrug? Joel: Nah, only some gesture that looked remarkably like it. > "Maybe. Let's go back over to her, and maybe bring Serena along too." Gin-Rei (Artemis): I'll drive. Tom: Just adding fuel to the bad fanfic fire. Joel: (Makes sound of fuel being poured onto fire.) >Luna stepped into Serena's room. She was sitting on her bed, looking out >the window. Luna heard the soft tune of Serena's star locket. "Serena?" Crow (Luna): How did you change the tune to "Mmm-Bop"? >Luna hated to interrupt her. She was probably thinking about Darian. Tom: Or about absolutely nothing. Judging by the moths coming out of her ears. Crow: That's common with her. >Serena kept staring out the window. "Hmm?" Gin-Rei: (Serena) Is there ice cream on stars? >"I was wondering if you'd like to go visit Mina. Artemis and I think >she may be gaining some of her old memories back." Crow: Wasn't she TRYING to forget them? Joel: If it was a lemon scene, probably. >Serena got up, and suddenly became her normal self, for she tripped over >a shoe on the floor. Her head poked up over her bed and said, "Sure." Gin-Rei: Hey, she's not crying out Angel Falls! What gives? Joel: It's called 'out of character', Gin-Rei. Tom: As you can see, we've discussed that plenty of times before. >-**- Gin-Rei: Don't look into the headlights, or else you'll freeze and get run over! >When Luna, Artemis, and Serena went over to Mina's house, she was pretty >much where Artemis had left her. Tom: Lying in a pool of blood in her shower? Joel: Tom, don't go dark. It's still too early. > Still glued to the TV, but watching a different game. Crow: (Mina glued to the TV) Brains..... leaking.... out.... of.... ears... Garrrghghghgh... >"Go, go, go!! Not *that* way! Turn around! Come on, do it for me! >Breakaway! Yes! Score, please score!" Joel (Hockey Player): What? Oh, sure thing, Mina! (mimes shooting a puck) Crow: Woah, I never thought Tuxedo Kamen would get THAT crazy with he.. Gin-Rei: (Points gun at Crow) Not another word! (Crow shuts up) Joel: Can you teach me that someday? Gin-Rei: Sure. Looks like you'll need it with this hentai. (Glares at Crow) >"Uh, Mina?" Serena asked, trying to get her attention. >Mina suddenly became aware that 3 other people were watching her. Tom: Better ditch the marijuana. > She blushed. "Um, yes?" Crow: I poofskied. Didn't I? Gin-Rei: And the same can go for potty humor! Crow: Geez! Joel: He can tend to overdose on South Park sometimes. >"Are you feeling all right?" Serena asked, raising an eyebrow. Gin-Rei (Kirk): Dammit, Spock, when I want your half-breed opinion, I'll ask for it! Joel: (Mina) Sure I'm all right. I'm being written out of character in a silly fanfic. OF COURSE I'M NOT ALL RIGHT! >"I'm fine. I'm watching another game. The Canucks are beating the Kings >to a pulp." Tom: As they could see by all the bloody, pasty flesh strewn all about the ice. > She turned back to the game, and apparently forgot they were there. Gin-Rei: (Vegita) They got.... SENT TO ANOTHER DIMENSION! HA HA HA! >The game cut to commercials. "Aw, not more commercials!" Mina whined. Gin-Rei: If I see one more figgin' Kahluha ad I'm gonna' make heads roll! Tom: Woah! You know about that too? >Suddenly, something got her attention. "Whoa, way cool!" She gasped. >The commercial was advertising an exhibition game between the Maple Leafs Joel: Who cares if they're halfway around the world? >, and the Wolves, a local hockey team. Tom: Why on earth would the Sailor Senshi move to Canada? Crow: Good health care system? Joel: I could see that one coming a mile away. >~If you go to the mall, you can win tickets to go to this game, with as >many of your friends as you want!~ The voice was saying. ~Hurry, for >this contest won't be running long!~ Crow: Don't worry, we won't. >Mina's eyes widened in shock. "I don't believe it! Joel (Mina): It's so good to be true, it must be a Negaverse trap! Oh, what am I saying? It couldn't possibly! Never mind that all our other dream contests have turned out to be traps! > They're coming here, and I can get a chance to see them! Ooh! Come on, > Serena, let's go now!" >Mina grabbed Serena's arm and dragged her out the door. Tom: Albeit too hard. Thus yanking her arm out of its socket and spraying blood everywhere. Crow: Bursting with flavor! Joel: The Dark side has been a very bad influence on you guys. (Both bots start doing Darth Vader breathing sounds) >Halfway down the street, they met up with Lita, Amy, and Raye, who were >coming to see Mina. Mina told them all about the contest in one breath, Gin-Rei: Allow me. (Takes a deep breath) ANorthAmericanhockeyteamis comingherebymeansofastupidplotdeviceandwehavetogoandsomehowwinthe contesttoseethemsowecanfallintoaNegaversetrapallatthewhimoftheauthor! Tom: Nice one. Gin-Rei (wheezing): Thanks. >and started dragging them along too. Crow: (Mina) Come on you loads! >-**- Joel: Man that's the smallest snowstorm I've ever seen. >"Please? Come on, would each of you mind trying it? It means a lot to >me..." Mina was asking, pulling a sweet, innocent look. Crow (Mina): I know all this leather can be intimidating. . . Joel (Mina): I'll be your bestest friend! Everyone else (Other senshi): No. Joel (Mina): Oh you're all mean! >"Hey Raye, why don't you use that little trick of yours? You know, the >.one you used to win the tickets for that cruise a couple of months >ago?" Serena asked. Crow (Raye): Hey, Lita, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat! Tom (Lita): Again? Crow (Raye): Nothing up my sleeve. . . and presto! Joel (Ryo-ohki): Meow! Tom (Lita): Wrong rabbit. >Raye turned and glared at her. "Are you accusing me of cheating, Meatball >Head?" Tom: (Serena) I DON'T WANNA' BE A MEATBALL HEAD! WAHHHHH! WAHHHH! Gin-Rei: Were these two sniffing something before we came in? Joel: Come to think of it, I did use some pretty powerful glue to fix them up a while back. >Serena started waving her hands madly in front of her, hoping to keep >Raye away, and shook her head at the same time. Joel: She's doing a bird mating dance! Crow: BAWWWK! AWWWK! BRAWWWK! >"Uhh, no! Of course not, >umm... I was just thinking that you had good luck! Yeah, that's it!" All: (Monty Python accents) RUN AWAYYY! >"Come on, Amy, try it!" Mina said. Crow: (Pothead) Ev'ryones doin' it. Huh huh huh. >"I don't see why I have to do it. I'm not that interested in hockey. >It's too violent." Amy said, obviously trying to get out of it. Joel: The fanfic? Gotta' agree with her there. Gin-Rei: Someone's out of character today. Probably been partying all night. >"Oh, come on Amy, give it a go. It looks like fun. Here, I'll go >first." Lita said, and stepped up to the booth. Tom (Lita): All right, who do I get to punch out? >The man running the booth started explaining how to play. Joel (guy): Well, first you tie this rope around your arms, then you put your right foot in a bucket, blindfold yourself, and try and put this basketball through the hoop using only your teeth. Simple, see? > "Under one of these shells is a ball." He gestured to 10 shells in front of > him."I'm going to show you where the ball is. Tom (guy): If you can't see it, we'll hire to you to be a professional wrestling referee. > Then, I'm going to move them as fast as I can, and you have to guess which > shell the ball's under. Got it?" Crow: (Random Sailor Senshi) No. But talk about the ball agai.... *Blam!* (Gin-Rei manages to nail a shot right on the tip of Crow's finger) Crow: D'ow! Okay okay! I'll be good. Gin-Rei: Next time, I'm shooting where it counts. Joel: Thank you. >Lita nodded. "Yep!" Gin-Rei: No! Maybe! Yes! Whatever! I dunno! >The man lifted one of the shells, showing Lita the ball. Then, his hands >started flying blindly, moving shells this way and that, All (singing): Over and under and around and through . . . > and stopping after about 15 seconds. He looked up at Lita and asked, "Well?" Crow: Uhhhhaaahhhaaa. Heh heh. Ugh Gin-Rei: Glad to hear it Crow. >Lita scrutinized the shells. She pointed at a shell on the end of the >row. "That one." Joel: Oh, I'm sorry. That's the wrong one. Now hand over all your life savings and your soul. Have a nice day, and thank you for playing. >The man lifted the shell, revealing nothing underneath. "Sorry. Better >luck next time. Who's next?" (Everyone stares at Joel) Joel: Well not ALL of it was right. Crow: That's true. Gin-Rei: Actually that was pretty predictable. >Before she could react, Mina shoved Serena in front of the booth. Tom: That should read: In front of the bus. >"Come on, Serena, I know you can do it!" She said. Gin-Rei: (Mina) Yeah right. Tom: Not so fast. Mina's been granted godlike status. She knows everything! >Serena looked apprehensively at the shells. The man asked if she was >ready. "I guess so..." Serena said. Tom: What kind of shells are they? Artillery shells? Joel: I hope. >He lifted up one shell, revealing the ball. Again, his hands started >moving faster than anyone could see. Serena tried to keep up, but >lost track after the first second. She started crying. "Waaaahhh! >His hands are moving too fast!!" Tom: (Guy) But I thought you'd like it that way. All but Servo: TOM! Tom: Oh bite me guys! Everyone can have a little bit of fun, can... (Gin-Rei fires and puts a hole in Tom's transparent dome) Tom: D'ow! Guess I have to sit in the corner with Crow! Geez! Joel: Hope you don't run out of bullets. Gin-Rei: Nope, got plenty. >The man stopped, and looked at Serena. "Well?" Tom: (Starship Troopers ad announcer) Do you want to know more? >Serena kept crying. Raye came up behind her. "Oh, Serena, just pick >one!" Crow: (Rei) And quick! Before the mall fills up with your tear fluid and drowns us! Joel: She'd make Niagara Falls feel envious. >Serena stopped wailing, and looked at the shells. She pointed at one. >The man lifted it up, and said, "Try again sometime." All: Wah. Wah. Wahhhhhh! Gin-Rei: Shouldn't that be: WAAAHHHHHH? >Mina decided she was going to try now. The man went through the >procedure, and started. When he was done, Mina triumphantly pointed at >the shell at her far right. "It's in that one!" Gin-Rei: Lemmie guess: Overused plot device #23 states that the main character focused on in a story, who is Mina right now, shall be the one to trigger the next plot point. >The man moved his hand over the shell, picked it up, and... The ball was there. Mina started jumping up and down. "Yes! I won! We're going to the hockey game, guys!" Joel: Hole in one, Gin-Rei. >-**- Crow: This is the maximum number of stars you can see in the LA sky. >The Wolves were on the ice in the Tokyo arena, practicing for tomorrow's >exhibition game against the Maple Leafs. Tom: So, Japan was invaded by Canada and they made hockey the national sport? Joel: God forbid that will ever happen. >Suddenly, a man appeared over the hockey net. The players were stunned. >"Greetings, Wolves. You're working for me now." He said. Gin-Rei: (Man) It's sooo easy to buy out professional sports player. Eat your heart out, Maguire! >-**- Joel: That's the shortest road I've ever seen. Tom: Nice traffic cones. >The arena was getting full. The seats Mina had won were practically on >the ice, right near an aisle. Crow: Man, they're freezing their asses off by sitting on the bare ice. >"Good seats, Mina." Serena said, in between bites of the popcorn >she had bought at the concession stand. (Tom makes sloppy eating sounds.) >Lita turned toward her. "Yeah, you can see everything so perfectly here." Joel: Hopefully we catch one of the player's limbs after they get ripped off. Everyone else: Joel! Joel: Hey, it's hockey. >"I really should be studying for that test next week. And so should you, >Serena." Amy said. Gin-Rei: Oh, like she's gonna' study for it in the first place. Tom: Complain, complain, complain, Amy. Go take some Prozac or something. >"Test? What test?" Serena said, looking at Amy as if she had grown a >third eye. Crow: (Serena) Eww! That's gross! A third eye Amy! Lay off the toxic waste! Joel: (Singing) Teenage Mutant Ninja Senshi... >"The math test. Don't tell me you've forgotten already." Crow: (Serena, stoned) Uhhhh, no? >"Math test? Oh, no, I didn't forget..." She said, trying to cover. Joel: (Serena) Yeah, I know I'm a ditz. But it's only a medical condition. Tom: I hope that's the truth with Mihoshi and C-ko. Gin-Rei: You've never met Mihoshi, have you? >Raye looked at Amy. "Don't worry Amy, you'll ace it, no problem. I want >them to start soon, though. This is boring!" Gin-Rei: Especially with Ben Stein singing the national anthem. Tom: Yeah, which one? The Japanese or Canadian anthem? Joel: Ben Stein singing Oh Canada! (Shudders) >Mina handed a hockey program over to Raye. "Here, look at this while >we're waiting. It's got some interesting articles in it." Joel: (Raye) Hmmm, ways to angle your hockey stick for clean decapitation. How to maintain hockey teeth and hair. Cool. >Luna poked her head out of Serena's bag. "Did you *have* to bring us? >It's so cold here!" Gin-Rei: (Luna) The mascara fumes in here are making me dizzy! Oh, look at the pretty colours! Oooooooohhh. *THUD* >Artemis looked out from Mina's. "Yeah. We could be catching up on our >work." Gin-Rei: So Luna and Artemis go to school too? Tom: Nah, Artemis is just a paper-pusher for the Moon Kingdom. >Mina looked at them. "Oh, come on. You need to get out more. Besides, >what did you do when we went away to the ski resort, hmm?" Crow: Piddle on the ski lift tracks and rust them up. Joel: Now that was just plain gross. Crow: Why, of course! >Before they could respond, the players started coming onto the ice. Mina >cheered when the Leafs stepped out. Tom: Doing the can-can. > The game began. Gin-Rei: Stuff happened. It was probably exciting. Joel (Serena): Luna, come back here! Don't go on the ice, they'll mistake you for a. . . Oh, NO! LUNA! Tom (imitates a slapshot, then the sound of a body hitting the glass) Crow (Serena): Ewwwww. >The first period went well for the Wolves. They scored twice on the >Maple Leafs in last 10 minutes. All: (wave tiny pennants and do the wave.) > The second period was the Leafs' comeback- they scored twice in the first >15 minutes, then picked up one last goal before the period ended. Tom: INTENSE PERIOD ACTION! Crow: Geez, this guy writes a hockey game like Ratliff does a battle scene! >~And now it's time for the Shoot-out contest, sponsored by our very own >Wolves!~ the announcer called out after the players had left the ice. Crow (Announcer): So everyone grab a rifle and have a blast! >~The first prize is season's tickets for the Wolves this year. All you >have to do is shoot the puck Joel: Nav? You have an opening. . . > into the hole in the board we're putting on one of the nets. Test your skill!~ Tom: And your doom! Mwa ha ha ha! >"I'm gonna go try it!" Mina said, standing up. "It looks like fun. Crow (Mina): And it's written in the script! >Besides, I think I can do it. After all, wasn't I supposed to be a good >player on the Moon?" She winked, and started to walk away. Joel: Like I said. It's impossible to play hockey in the Moon's vacuum like atmosphere. Their bodies will explode due to the lack of air pressure. Tom: Pop goes the Sailor Senshi! Gin-Rei: Geez, now Joel is dark. Joel: (Does Darth Vader breathing sounds) >"Hey, Mina, keep in mind Serena didn't get the hang of skating until >*well* after she turned into Sailor Moon." Raye said. Crow: Oh sure. Serena skates good when she turns into Sailor Moon. Yeah. >"Don't worry. I think I can handle it." Gin-Rei: (Mina) Albeit with bruises and a broken nose. >"Hey, Raye, what's *that* supposed to mean?" Serena demanded. Tom: It means you suck beans at skating, blondie. -**- Joel: I'm a sad clown. Gin-Rei: He looks more confused to me. >Malachite looked out at the ice. There were some men among the lineup, >and a few girls as well. Crow (Malachite): But who cares about the girls? Let's see some big brawny MEN! > He looked over the girls, wondering which one could possibly be Sailor >Venus. We'll just have to wait and see who Gin-Rei (Malachite): Is still suffering from the effects of that CATS lemon we had to star in. >can win this contest, he thought. Then we'll find out who Sailor Venus is. Crow: Boy, he must have a short term memory if he can't remember what she looks like. Joel: Remember, he can't read the script and we can. >He vanished. (All imitate Wayne's World flashback sound.) -**- Gin-Rei: A shotgun! All: DUCK! >Mina stood in line. There were a number of people in front of her, and >the zamboni had just finished going over the ice. Joel: And over all the people, too. All: Ewww. > It wouldn't be too long now. Gin-Rei: Apparently Snoopy was driving it while drunk on A&W and ran over some of the hockey players. Crow: I'd pay to see that. >~Ladies and Gentlemen. The shoot-out contest is about to begin! Please >give a warm round of applause for all our contestants!" Joel: Cue the foreign objects being thrown! >The crowd cheered and clapped. The announcer continued. ~Once again, >the object of the shoot-out is to shoot Tom: The hockey players as they skate by you. > the puck into the small hole in the cover board on the net. Good luck to > all!~ Crow: Boy, that last paragraph was full of sexual imagery. Joel: *sigh* Only you, Crow. >Mina noticed that the Wolves were watching the contest with interest. >She found that somewhat odd, but turned back to the contest in progress. Tom: (Mina) Horny bastards. >The first contestant stepped out onto the ice. He walked over to the >center of the ice, and was handed a hockey stick. Crow: And proceeded to eat it. > He shot, but aimed a little too far to the left. Gin-Rei: And right onto the guy selling peanuts. That's gonna sting. >It was no good. Joel: (German accent) It vas bad. >One by one, the contestants were eliminated, until finally Mina got >her turn. Joel: Mina *is* the Eliminator! > She walked up to the center of the ice, and took the hockey >stick from the contest official. Raye, Amy, Serena and Lita were >cheering in the stands for her. Gin-Rei (Serena): Hmmmm, why are we the only ones standing? > Mina waved to them, and then turned her attention back to the official. He > dropped the puck at her feet, Tom: Clunk! Ow! My toes! > and she took careful aim. She held the stick, pulled it back, and let it fly. Joel (Official): No, no, miss. You use the stick to hit this puck, not throw it like a javelin at the referee! . >The stick hit the puck, and the puck flew towards the hole at an >incredible speed. Gin-Rei: *Whack* Sorry ref! >The pcuk continued on, and there was a hush in the arena. Tom: A hush in the arena? Eeek, kill it! (Everyone starts to brandish flyswatters and swat them around in the air for a couple seconds, then they return to their seats.) >Serena and >the others sat silently, waiting to see if the puck went in. Crow: And it didn't, The End. Goodnight folks! (Crow starts to leave) (Gin-Rei fires a shot, grazing him.) Gin-Rei: Back to the grind buddy! Crow: Damn! >After what seemed like an eternity, the puck finally reached the board. Tom: Annnnnd, missed! Crow: What happened to the incredible speed? >Mina thought it wasn't going to go in, but it did. The crowd started >cheering. Gin-Rei: Again. Overused Plot Device #23 at work. >~We have a winner! This young lady has just won herself a pair >of season's tickets! Congratulations!~ Joel: And there was much rejoicing. All: (Flatly) Yayyyyyy. >Suddenly, the Wolves rose. The started jumping onto the ice, Crow: Until it cracked and they all drowned. The end. > racing towards Mina. As they skated, they transformed into these hideous > looking monsters. Tom: Which hideous looking monsters? Gin-Rei: These hideous looking monsters right here! Tom: Ohhhh, *those* hideous looking monsters! > Mina gasped, and the crowd started screaming and >running out of the arena. It was complete pandemonium. Joel: They finally found out what they put into the hot dogs there. >The official on the ice ran away from Mina and the approaching hockey >team. Serena and the others stood in shock. Crow: Alas, for too long. Allowing them to get killed by the monsters. The end. Joel: Alright. We've reached the dark quota for today guys. (All but Joel start doing Darth Vader breathing sounds) Joel: KNOCK THAT OFF! > Finally, the team stopped. They stood around Mina, and the man who used > to be the captain of the team Tom: But was now the water boy. > skated forward and demanded, "All right, > Sailor Venus. Where are your friends?" Crow (Venus): They ditched me for the security guards ten minutes ago! >"Sailor Venus? What are you talking about?" Mina said, trying to get >them to leave her alone. Gin-Rei: (Mina) Oh you mean my ulta-secret alter-ego? Yeah that's me... D'OH! >"Don't play stupid, girl! Only Sailor Venus could have that kind of >skill! Tell us where Sailor Moon and the Silver Crystal are!" Tom: Oh and give us your lunch money too. Almost forgot. >"In your dreams, Negatrash!" Mina shouted, and jumped out of the ring >of hockey players. She landed on the ice near one of the blue lines. >"Good thing I'm pretty good at gymnastics!" Crow: Uh, but you're on *ice*. Gymnastics on ice aren't possible! Tom: Unless you're Canadian. Joel: Not touching that one. > She pulled out her transformation pen. "VENUS....POWER!" Gin-Rei: CRUSH THEM NOW ROBO! Joel: Isn't that Disaku's line? Gin-Rei: Hey, can't I have fun? >Sailor Venus stood there as the hockey players turned around. "I am >Sailor Venus! How dare you abuse the game of hockey like this! > On behalf of Venus, I shall punish you!" Gin-Rei: But the point of hockey IS to abuse! Crow: Tell Sheldon Kennedy that. Joel: Sheldon, wherever you are, our best to you! >In the stands, Serena whined, "She's stealing all my lines!" Joel: And does it *so* much better! >The hockey players glared at Venus. "Yeah, right, Sailor Brat!" The >captain shouted. Tom: Captain Crunch? >The players advanced on her. All: Ewwwwww! >"Eat the beam, dweebs! VENUS...CRESCENT...BEAM...SMASH!!" Crow: (Monsters) Mmmm! Minty! >A yellow beam of light shot forth from her hands and hit the captain. >He fell to the ground, groaning. Joel: (Captain) Well, the wife's gonna' be disappointed when I come home. Crow (ditto): With all this hair in strange places. Gin-Rei: For some strange, uncanny reason, I'll let that one slide. >Amy shook her head. "Come on, guys, Sailor Venus needs our help!" >"Amy's right. Let's go Serena!" Said Lita. Tom (Serena): Right! To the concession stand! >"OK!" Serena held up her hand. "MOON...PRISM...POWER!" Crow: DO THE HUSTLE! Joel: Whottachikawhottachikawhottachika. >"MERCURY...POWER!" Gin-Rei: BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL.... >"MARS...POWER!" Tom: FIRE...BALLLLLL! >"JUPITER...POWER!" Joel: HI-KEEBA! >The Sailor Scouts landed on the ice in front of Venus. Gin-Rei (Scouts): WHOOOAAAA! *CRASH!* Tom: Once again, I remind you that it is *ice* they're landing on. Ice should be slippery. > "It's about time, guys! Where were you?" Venus asked. Crow: (Venus) Not to say that I need you but.... >"Stunned in the stands. It's garbage day, so let's take out this >Negatrash! What do you think, Scouts?" Mars asked. Gin-Rei: Wow, recycled dialogue. I'm impressed. >"Good call, Mars! I call upon the power of Jupiter to banish these evil >beings! JUPITER...THUNDER...CRASH!" Tom: Pfffffrrrrrrttttttzzzzzzz! All but Tom: ??? Tom: Hey, she did say the word thunder. >Sailor Jupiter threw a stream of lightning at the hockey players. Some >avoided it, but it hit a few of them. Crow: (Random hockey player) Ahhhhh, that felt gooood! >"Nice try! But it'll take more than that to beat us!" The players >started advancing on the Scouts. They put their sticks to the ice, and >began shooting little balls of energy at the Scouts. Gin-Rei: They have ping pong balls of doom! Run! >They avoided them, then all of the sudden, a black rose came sailing >in, landing in front of the players. All: Kodachi!! > Everyone looked in the direction >of the thrower, and Tuxedo Mask landed on the ice. Crow: Rent-A-Tuxedo Kamen. Someone ask for me? Tom: BUT HE'S LANDING ON ICE! WHY ISN'T HE FALLING??? Joel: Wanna break guys? Gin-Rei: That sounds great. Do some more explaining on the way out. (All four exit the theatre, with Gin-Rei carrying Servo)