DOOR SEQUENCE: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... (Joel had been explaining the whole thing to Gin-Rei about Dr. Forrester and him sending him up to watch bad movies and fanfics in order to rule the world.) Gin-Rei: That's pretty damn cracked. He makes my dad look like a boy scout. Crow: Well, he isn't exactly evil. It's Shizuma who framed him. Gin-Rei: That's true. (MAD's light starts blinking) Joel: Speaking of Dr. Shizuma. . . (Hits the button) (DEEP 13) Dr. F: So Mrs Von Vogler. Mad with sweet delirium yet? (SOL) Gin-Rei: Not quite. This story isn't exactly Manos material. Joel: You know about Manos? Gin-Rei: Yeah! I've got the whole series on tape! Even the KTMA episodes! Tom: On tape? KTMA? Gin-Rei: Uhhh, never mind. Crow: Hey! We didn't do our invention exchange yet! Joel: Hey that's right. Can we go ahead sir? (DEEP 13) Dr. F: Wellll. I guess so. We've got a bit of time for some of your feeble antics. (SOL) Gin-Rei: Invention exchange? Crow: Will you help us out? Gin-Rei: Sure. (Gin-Rei and Joel pull out a computer with a funnel protruding from it and hook it up to a monitor and power outlet.) Tom: You know how somedays the internet just seems to run slower than a glob of frozen Jell-O going up a hill in the middle of January in the Antarctic? Especially with (shudder) AOL? Well now you can get rid of all those nusances with busy signals and crowded lines with our PC peripheral, the Modem Kicker 3000. (Joel holds up a soft drink can labeled Modem Kick Juice 3000.) Tom: Inside this can, we've put in a mixture of Jolt Cola, Surge, Josta, and other caffeine saturated drinks. The liquid gets poured into the modem system, gets transmitted over the phone lines, and bingo! Light speed hookup! All the animated GIF's and Banners in the world won't be able to slow your connection down. (Joel carefully pours the entire contents of the can into the funnel leading to the modem inside the PC. Crow logs on via AOL and (amazingly) he gets on without any problem. He skims through sites such as his own biteme.com and Tom's imhuge.com with ease.) Tom: The juice will last up to a year, giving you worry-free access for hours and hours on end. (DEEP 13) (Dr. Forrester fumed with anger. He knew that this invention would end costs being driven up by people waiting hours on end for pages to load. Thus giving less money to greedy internet service providers such as AOL and some others.) Dr. F: Well, very impressive. I'm sure Steve Case would appreciate that. (SOL) Gin-Rei: What are you looking up now, Crow? Crow: Uhhh, just this article on Home & Gardening's webpage about Boogenvillas. Gin-Rei: Funny, I didn't know nude Sailor Scouts were a crucial part of gardening. Crow: Errr. Eh heh heh. (Suddenly the lights and sirens start blaring again) Joel: Whoop, better tear yourself away Crow, we've got fanfic sign again. Crow: Wait the image... er... article isn't done loading yet! Gin-Rei: Get going Ecchi! DOOR SEQUENCE 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... >"Tuxedo Mask!" Sailor Moon said. "He's come to save us!" Tom: For the gazillionth time. *groan* >"Don't count on it, Sailor Moon. He's working for them now. Look at >the rose. It's black." Sailor Jupiter said, pointing at the rose >imbedded in the ice. Gin-Rei: Overused Plot Device #83: Turning over to the dark side. Joel: You sure know a lot of that stuff. Gin-Rei: It's an elective I took in High School. >"You should listen to her, Sailor Moon. I serve the Negaverse now." >Tuxedo Mask crossed his arms. Gin-Rei: (Tuxedo Mask) The pay's better and I get Blue Cross benefits. >"I should have known you would have shown up and ruin my plan again, >Prince Darian! I should kill you here and now." Malachite materialized >over the ice. All: Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease. . . >Darian shook his head. "You'd think you'd learn that by now, Malachite. >Or is your head just a little too thick?" He chuckled. Tom (Cartman): My head's not thick! It's big boned! D'OH! Wait, lemmie rephrase that! >Malachite growled. "One of these days, human, I will get you for this." >He turned towards the Sailor Scouts. "Now Sailor Moon, I want that Crow: Shrimp recipe you promised you'd e-mail me! >crystal. Give it to me, and you and your friends will go unharmed." Crow: Two bucks says the crystal is cubic zirconium. >"Do you honestly think we'll ever give it to you, Negasleaze?" Sailor >Moon asked. Joel (monotone): Wow. Such witty insults. >"You will, once you discover that there is no way out of this arena. >All of the doors are sealed. Tom: Oh, just go ahead and club those fluffy white seal pups! > No way in, no way out. You'll die in here if you refuse to give me the >crystal." Malachite laughed. Crow: (Malachite) Heh heh. I was just thinking of a blonde joke Steve told me! >"Guys, I have an idea," Venus whispered to the others. "Why don't we >throw this trap back at him?" Gin-Rei: Well, if that was a bear trap, it would work! >"What do you mean?" Sailor Mercury asked. Tom: And she's supposed to be the brightest of the Senshi. >"I mean, let's challenge those brainwashed players to a hockey game, >winner takes the Silver Crystal." Gin-Rei: And here we have Overused Plot Device #78. Tom: Just how many are there? Gin-Rei: Infinite. >"Are you sure that's such a good idea? I mean, could we be better than >they are?" Mars inquired. Joel: Ahh, they'll win out anyway. Which number is that? Gin-Rei: One. Tom: Hah! I knew it! >"It's always a possibility, but it's our only option. We're outnumbered >here, and fighting our way out might not be successful." Crow: Fighting with those tiny skirts on will give them nasty frostbite. Tom: Never stopped them in the S movie. Gin-Rei: Or any other anime series. >"Sounds better than doing nothing. Let's do it." Jupiter agreed. Tom: I'd rather be doing nothing than reading this fanfic. Joel: Good call, Tom. >"What do the rest of you think?" All: Lame. >Sailor Moon, Sailor Mercury and Sailor Mars all agreed. All: (Monotone) We are all in agreement. Resistance is futile. >"Great! Now, let's go get them!" Venus said triumphantly. >"Hey blondie!" Joel: (Dagwood) Fix me a meatloaf! >Venus addressed Malachite. "We challenge your hockey >team to a match against us, winner takes the Silver Crystal! On one >condition though: all of you must play fairly, no cheating!" Crow (Malachite): Cheat? Don't mind if I do! Tom: Asking the bad guys not to cheat is about as logical as Ryoko and Aeka not fighting for an entire day. >"An interesting proposition, Sailor Brats." Gin-Rei: Aren't those the Spice Girls? Tom: Minus the Sailor part. Joel: A live action Sailor Moon movie starring the Spice Girls. I can see it already. (Everyone gets the dry heaves) Gin-Rei: I did NOT need to hear that! Joel: Sorry. Tom: Besides, it's already been written by obsessed fanboys. (More dry heaves) > Malachite considered it. >"Very well. We agree. The game will commence in 20 minutes." Crow (Malachite): Until then, keg party! > He disappeared. (All make the Wayne's World Flashback sound) >Venus turned back to the other Scouts. "Where are Luna and Artemis?" Gin-Rei: They got cast into a better fanfic. >"Uhh, back in our bags, I think." Sailor Moon said, glancing in the >direction of their seats. Joel: They're probably dead from suffocation. >"Actually, we're right here." Luna said from behind them. Everyone >spun around. Tom: On the *ice*! All: WAAAAGH! *THUD!* >"Where'd you come from?" Jupiter asked. >"We had to try to find a way onto the ice. The glass is too high." >Artemis answered. Gin-Rei: If the glass is so high, it should lay off the drugs then. Joel: That sentence didn't really make much sense. >"Well, now that you're here, could you fill us in on our little hockey > team back on the moon?" Venus said. Crow: (Artemis) We sucked. The end. Joel: Says a lot huh? >"Well, from what I can remember, you were the captain and center for >the team. Sailor Mars was the left wing, Crow: Commie. > Sailor Jupiter the right wing, Gin-Rei: Fascist. >Sailor Mercury was the goalie-" >"I was the goalie? Why did I get put there?" A puzzled Sailor Mercury >asked. Gin-Rei: Cause' you make great cannon fodder. >"You didn't like the aggressiveness involved in the sport. The only way >Sailor Venus could get you to play was to be the goalie. Joel (Artemis): Of course, she had to tie you to the net. . . > And Sailor Moon was the defense." Tom: Yeah, the DENSE defense. Crow: (Sarcastically) Yeah, that'll guarantee them instant victory. >"Wait," Venus said. "That's only five. There are six positions!" Crow: . . . Gin-Rei: Glad to hear it Crow. >"The other defenseman was... Prince Darian." Gin-Rei: AKA: The artist formerly known as Prince Darian. >"We can't play without him, then. Do you think he would join us?" Mars >asked the rest of them. Tom: Uhhhh, being with the dark side and all, probably not. >They all looked over at the one who was once a valued ally. His face >showed no emotion, and he seemed to be gazing at nothing in particular. Crow: (Darian) Let's see, stop milk, pay papers, invade Moon Kingdom. . . >Sailor Jupiter skated over. Tom: When did they get skates? Joel: Tom, you're thinking again. > "Tuxedo Mask, we need another player. Will >you help us, like you have always helped us before?" Crow (Darien): Uh, in case you've forgotten, I'm *not* supposed to be helping you. . . Gin-Rei (Darien): Only if you throw in dental care. >He shifted his gaze to the tall brunette standing in front of him. He >seemed to consider it for a moment. Crow: Hey, who wouldn't? I mean, with Lita and all. . . Joel: Let it go. >Serena noticed - for no reason, it >seemed - that they were almost the same height. Tom: Is that with his hat on? Geez, he must be malnourished. Gin-Rei: Well, that's right. There was *no* reason for that. Crow: But it's an excellent lemon setup. Gin-Rei: True. . . >Finally, he answered. "I will help you, Sailor Scouts, but not because >I am defending you. I'm sure you know by now that I don't like Malachite Joel (Darien): He just tastes too funny. >or his ways. I do this only to try to defeat him for my own gain." Joel: And for a nice cup o' Joe. >"Good," Sailor Venus said. "We have a team. What do we do for equipment?" Gin-Rei: Use Reenie as the puck. Joel: I wish. >Jupiter held her transformation pen, looking at it. "Can't these things >turn into hockey sticks or something?" She said with a small grin. Joel: Crow... Don't even think about it. Crow: Crud. >"That would be one of the most peculiar uses for those I've ever seen. >Although," Luna said, "I don't see why they don't work like that..." Joel (Luna): Hell, they're all in one appliances that can do your laundry, too! >Sailor Mercury skated over to one of the player benches. "Over here!" >She yelled. "There's some unused equipment we can use right here." Tom (Mercury): Uh, I don't think the jock straps are our size! >Each of them sifted through the pile of equipment, taking what they >needed. Mercury got into her goaltender padding, Gin-Rei: And fainted from the smell. > and took a goalie's stick. Everyone else took a stick, and a helmet. Joel: You know, I really can't imagine the Sailor Senshi donning hockey gear. Gin-Rei: It's like the Spice Girls donning military fatigues. Crow: For some queer reason, I can imagine them doing that. Tom: Me too. >They began to practice. Crow: ...Hard. (Gin-Rei shoots a shot right past Crow's head) Crow: What? What did I say? Gin-Rei: Remember, next time I'm aiming LOWER. -**- Tom: This is how stoned you have to be to really get into this fanfic. >Shortly after, Malachite reappeared. "Well, I suppose it's time to >begin our little game. I hope you're ready to be defeated!" Joel: (Random senshi) You bet! >He saw Tuxedo Mask in among the Sailor Scouts. "Well, well. If it isn't >Prince Darian! I'll enjoy seeing my slaves defeat you, too!" Tom: What kind of slaves? All: TOM! Tom: I-I'm sorry guys. Sailor Moon fanfics seem to get to me sometimes. Really. Gin-Rei: Well, I can understand. With this one at least. >"I think you're underestimating these girls again, Malachite. In the >end, that's going to be your undoing." Tuxedo Mask shot back. Joel: (Malachite) *Bang* D'ow! You shot your back at me. Gin-Rei: That one was lame. Joel: I think the fanfic's getting to me too. Crow: Aww come on guys. This one's a cinch! Joel: Well, Tom and I did get to bed a little late last night. >"We'll see. Let the game begin!" Tom: Let's get ready to rumbllllllle Crow: Heh heh. I wonder if this turns out like Bishojo Senshi Sailor Rumble. Joel: I hope so too. Chibi getting slapped and Usagi getting wasted. Poetic justice, baby! Gin-Rei: Darn. Maybe I should have come up here earlier. >Before Malachite could make an exit, Sailor Venus yelled, "Hey Bleach >Brains! Remember, no cheating!" Joel: (Malachite) Did you say please cheat? Okey dokey! >"I wouldn't dream of it." Malachite hid one hand, which had two fingers >crossed. Gin-Rei: Then he made a fist with his hand. Tom (Malachite): *SNAP!* Ow, I gotta quit doing that! > He disappeared. (All make Wayne's World flashback sounds) >While they were practicing, Luna and Artemis had left to find the >officials. It turned out that they hadn't made it out of the arena, Crow: So that's what they use to make Slurpees. >and were hiding. The two cats managed to coax them out, and watch over >the game. Luna said that Malachite hadn't gotten to them. Crow: (official) I don't wanna' be in the fanfic! Tom: (Luna) Do as the nice talking cat tells you. Crow: (official) 'Kay. (Starts whining.) >It also seemed that the 3 officials were startled by the talking cats in >front of them. That added to the difficulty of bringing them out. Tom: Especially since they read Artemis' Lover. Gin-Rei: And that is? (Joel whispers the whole story about it and Oscar to her. Two seconds, tops.) Gin-Rei: GAACK! Joel: I told you that you wouldn't want to know. >The referee called for the face-off. The blonde-haired captain of the >Sailor Scouts team, and the ugly monster captain of the Negaverse team Crow: Man that is so close to Nazi propaganda it isn't funny. >skated to center ice. Venus put her stick on the ice, and looked up at >her counterpart. "Let's play some hockey." Tom (Ash as Venus): Gimme some sugar, baby! Gin-Rei: EXTREME, TAUNTING ACTION! >The ref dropped the puck, and the game began. Joel: If this game goes like the last one, we'll be out of here in no time. > Venus got the puck, and passed it back to Sailor Jupiter, who was the right > wing. Tom (Jupiter): Bring back Capital Punishment, I'm telling you! > She skated towards the opponents' net, and passed it to Mars. She got it, > and passed it to Venus. Crow (dreamily): And then the Fox Network's electrical tracking system malfunctioned horribly. . . > They had discussed strategy before the game, and planned some moves. Joel: (Venus) Okay Moon, you start slipping around and wailing. Jupiter, you bore to death one half of the other team about your old boyfriend. Mercury, you bore the other half with talks on astrophysics. >The passing went on for over a minute. By then, the Wolves were getting >frustrated. Tom: Sounds like an ordinary soccer game. Crow: Football. Tom: Soccer! Crow: Football! Joel: Guys. Gin-Rei: Actually, football is the preferred term. >The Scouts had been in the attack zone for over a minute >now. One of them tried to check Jupiter, Tom (Hatcheck girl): Can I see ya stub, sir? > but she passed it to Venus, and then skated out of the way. She then > skated after him, and sandwiched him into the boards. Tom: Thbbbt! Gin-Rei: Owchie. Joel: Wow, those Senshi sure can pick up hockey rules quickly. >Finally, Sailor Mars had a clear shot at the goal, and sent the puck >flying. The goalie got it in time, but the Wolves now had control. Crow: (singing) They're in control babyyyy! >The Negaverse team started towards the Scouts' net. They had a hard >time maintaining control over the puck, due to constant blocking courtesy >of Tuxedo Mask. Joel: *Bonk* Ow. *Bonk* Ow. *Bonk* Ow. Crow: He sure is taking a lot of punishment. Tom: Keep it up, Wolves! >One of them shot it at the net. Mercury proved to be a good goalie, >because she deflected it off her stick. Gin-Rei: Well, it would have been better if she hadn't been cowering in the corner. > The puck slid away, and was picked up by one of the members of the > Negaverse team. He started All: Towards the net? >towards the net, Tom: Ahhhh, predictability! > but Sailor Moon, trying to maintain her balance after being checked, skated > towards him and snatched the puck. She passed it to Sailor Mars, and > skated back. Gin-Rei: INTENSE SKATING AND PASSING ACTION! Joel: (monotone) Oh wow. The excitement is making me feel tingly. Crow: (ditto) I am literally jumping out of my seat. >"Very good, Sailor Moon. You make a very good defense player." Tuxedo >Mask complimented her. Tom: (Tuxedo Kamen) The way you can keep yourself conscious after taking so many hits in the melon. That takes skill, baby. >She smiled. "Thanks!" Gin-Rei: (surly) For nothing. Tom (Serena): Snob! >After a few minutes of play, the Wolves regained control of the puck >and scored on Mercury. Crow (giggling): They're scooooorrrrrring! > However, by the end of the period, Mars and Venus had both scored one > goal each. Joel: (monotone) Again, I must state that I'm very excited. Crow: Joel? Joel: Yes? Crow: Bite me. >The siren blared, signaling the end of the first period. Joel: And of our patience. >-**- Joel: Maybe if we squint, the fanfic will go away... (All squint for a few seconds) Tom: Darn. >The Scouts skated off the ice, and sat on the bench. Luna and Artemis >had gotten some water for them, and they drank. Crow: Ahhh, eau du mop bucket! >The Zamboni went over the ice. Venus saw that one of the officials was >driving it. Gin-Rei: (Venus) Why it's Pierre! Crow: (Phony French-Canadian accent) Bah! I work for eleven hourz and what do ah, getz? A dumb Zailor Moon fanfic! >They sat, discussing more strategy. They were holding the 2-1 lead, >so their main objective was to prevent any more goals from being scored >against them, and also if possible to score more goals. Joel: And the fanfic keeps going, and going, and going... Gin-Rei: Not if I can help it. (Starts loading up her pistol.) >The second period faceoff came and went, Tom: They did a sequel to Face/Off? Didn't notice it. Musta' tanked. Joel: I'll bet it was a direct to video release. >with the Wolves taking the >puck. With some excellent defense by Tuxedo Mask and Sailor Moon, > as well as some good goaltending by Sailor Mercury, they didn't go > anywhere. Crow: To be honest, neither has the story. > Within the first ten minutes of the second period, Jupiter had scored > her first goal, bringing up the score to 3-1. Gin-Rei: And our interest down to nada. >With nine minutes left to go in the period, one of the Wolves had put >his stick around Mars' leg, and yanked. The referee sent him to the >penalty box for two minutes for hooking. Crow: Whatta' pimp. > Unfortunately, the Scouts could do nothing with the Power Play. >When six minutes were left, Tom: The bomb exploded early? > Jupiter got into a fight with one of the Wolves. She cleaned his clock before > the officials could separate them. Tom: Oh, come on! Some descriptions would be nice! A punch, a headbutt, a skateblade to the family jewels! Anything! >Luna commented to Artemis on the ref's fear of being ripped apart by >Jupiter, and that was why he waited to break it up. Joel: Ah man. What's with this? They ARE becoming hockey players! Gin-Rei: We'll be seeing them with bruised faces and missing teeth in no time. Tom: Oh how the mighty fall. >Both teams played shorthanded for 5 minutes, while Jupiter sat in the >penalty box making faces at the Negaverse monster for losing the fight, >when the ref wasn't looking, of course. Crow: Whoah! Bitter beer face! Gin-Rei: Bitter Senshi face. >The rest of the period went without incident, other than the goal >scored by the Wolves thirty seconds before both players were released >from the box. Joel: Oh, there's a non-incident. Gee, a goal was scored! Who cares? All: WE DON"T!! >The siren blared again. Crow: (Random Scout) Oop. Pardon me. Too many lentils. >The teams took to their own respective benches, and the Zamboni took >to the ice. Gin-Rei: (Zamboni driver chasing someone) Honk! Honk! I'm on your ass! >Luna and Artemis gave them a pep talk. A lengthy one. Tom: Presented by Newt Gingrich. Joel: That'll bore them and make them feel queasy. >"We *have* to win!" Artemis said. Crow: (Rico) I'm from Buenos Aires, and I say kill those bugs! >"We know." Sailor Mars murmured. Joel: Being repetitive seems to be getting onto Rei here. >"Try to get them to do something that would give one of them a penalty." >Luna said. "Try to taunt them." Gin-Rei: Huh, and they wanted the Negaverse team to play nice and not cheat. >"That's what I was doing in the penalty box." Jupiter commented. She >seemed to be developing a black eye. Joel: See!? The metamorphosis is taking place already! (Everyone shudders) >"That's exactly what we want - now, put that knowledge to good use out >there!" Crow: Oops, sorry Usagi. Joel: Try to lay off her Crow. >Sailor Moon sarcastically saluted Luna. "Yes, sir!" Tom: With her middle finger. >Luna rolled her eyes. Gin-Rei: *clack* Side-ball in the corner pocket! >-**- Tom: Ahhh, how romantic. The two asterisks are in love. >Malachite was pacing in front of his team. "I thought you were the *best* >team! Now, here we are, losing against those five girls!" He sighed. Crow (Malachite): I shouldn't have given up my day job at Bouclair's. >"If we're going to win now, drastic measures need to be taken. Now, here's >what you're going to do." He began explaining their new "strategy". Gin-Rei: (Random hockey player) Take out the M-60's? Sounds good to me! Tom: Nav must be lurking somewhere. >-**- Joel: Next time, on All My Asterisks.... >The siren blared yet again, and the two teams took to the ice, as did the >still-confused referees. Gin-Rei: They aren't the only ones. >Sailor Venus got ready for the face-off. She looked into the face (as ugly >as it was) of her counterpart, and said under her breath, "Your manager >bleaches his hair!" Joel: (Hockey Player) Well duh! >That was all it took for him to lose his concentration. A look of anger >crossed the monster's face, and he glared at her. Crow: Geez, even I wouldn't get pissed off at such a lame taunt like that. >Obviously, she won the face-off. The first few minutes flew by quickly, All: Get the net! Get the net! >with Sailor Jupiter getting a breakaway and scoring again on their >opponents. Tom: Nope, I'M not gonna' even say it here. >That was when things turned nasty. The other team began cheating ever so >slightly, ranging from tripping them, to picking the puck up and holding >it. Joel: Woah, I didn't know the Raiders turned to hockey. >And strangely, the referees didn't do a single thing about it. Tom: They didn't really give a damn. They just wanted out of the fanfic. > Sailor Venus asked Mars about it, and Raye merely said that Malachite > hadn't taken them over. They were baffled. Crow: Paper or plastic. Always the big debate. >It was the cheating which lead the Wolves to score against Mercury, by >picking the puck up and tossing it in while she was distracted. Gin-Rei: I always said those theorems she likes to ponder would come back against her. > Now only ten minutes were left. The Scouts began heckling the Negaverse > team even more, and even managed to get a Joel: Retaliatory boot to the head in return! All: (Cheer wildly) > power play out of it when Tuxedo Mask managed to get one to lift his stick above his shoulders. They killed Gin-Rei: We wish. >the penalty through their cheating. Time and time again Sailor Venus had >tried to get them caught at it, but each time, the officials shot her down. Tom: Ratatatatatat! Boom! Nerrowm! Crash! Gin-Rei: Captain! One Sailor Senshi down! Tom: Nope! *KA-BLAM!* Now she's down! >Sailor Moon was playing the defense fairly well, all things considered. >Unfortunately, she was the prime target for the cheating. Joel (singing): I lost my poor meatball, when somebody sneezed. . . > She landed on her rear a lot during the course of the third period. Crow: She needs to lay off the cheesecake. >During one of the play stoppages, Venus called a little conference down >by their net. Seven and a half minutes left. Joel: Methinks the author watched the Mighty Ducks movies a wee bit too much before writing this. All: Amen. >"If this keeps going the way it is, we're going to lose for sure. I can't >think of why they're getting away with cheating, Tom (Venus): I mean, I even checked the script. Nothing! > but now we'll have to take some drastic measures too." Gin-Rei: Break out the bazookas and howitzers! Tom: Sailor Artillery Scouts. Sounds good already. >"How about an all-out assault on their net?" Everyone turned towards their >former ally. It was one of the few times he had spoken during the game. Tom: (Darian) Tee hee. I'm such a shy boy. Joel: Other than, "Resistance is futile" and "You will be assimilated." >"That's a great idea!" Venus said, coming up with an idea. "When we get >control of the puck next, regroup down here. Then, we'll form a line and >skate down to their end. Crow: Good call, Joel. > When Mercury hits her stick on the ice twice, start skating. Knock anyone > out of your way. Let's go!" Gin-Rei (Venus): We win the crappy game and get out of here! >They faced off, and Venus began making faces at the Wolves' center. Not >surprisingly, she took the face-off. Gin-Rei: I'll take face-off for $100, Alex. >They regrouped down by the net. Sailor Venus passed it to Mercury, who >passed it back. Sailor Mercury rapped her stick on the ice two times, and Tom: The ice cracked and she fell in and drowned. The end. >the Sailor Scouts began skating to the other end. Gin-Rei: (imitates car noises while the Sailor Senshi are skating around) >-**- Tom: Looks like some kind of weird alien head. Crow: Citizens of Earth, remain in your homes!! We have this fanfic! All (Earthlings): KEEP IT! >Malachite was in the stands, watching. The cheating wasn't working very >well, and now those blasted Sailor Scouts Crow: Had obviously had *way* too much to drink. > were skating head-on towards the Wolves' net. The illusions he was > projecting at the referees weren't going to work if he tried getting them to do > any more. Joel: Huh? > And, if he took control of the refs, Sailor Mars would sense it, and then they > might take some very drastic measures. Tom: As opposed to simply drastic measures. > As long as Sailor Moon had the Silver Crystal, >they might be able to destroy his plan. All: We're not listeninggggg! >Being able to do nothing, he returned his attention to the game. Joel: Then left to pick up a brewski. Gin-Rei: Mmmm. I kinda' feel thirsty for something myself. Crow: I prefer Red Dog. Tom: No surprise there. >-**- Gin-Rei: Blink! >The line was going well. A very unorthodox move, Crow: Called the hokey-pokey. > they had managed to remove two of the players temporarily by knocking > them out of the way. In the end, Joel: It was a really big pain. >it failed, because the defensemen had formed a line of their own in front >of the net. Crow: That soccer image is looking more and more apt. >The Wolves now had control of the puck. Cheating yet again, another goal >was scored on Sailor Mercury. Four minutes left. Tom: (Squeaky voice) Cheater! Cheater! Cheater! Cheater! Chea.... (Gin-Rei points her gun at Tom) Gin-Rei: Don't push it. >The score was now 4-3. If they could just stop the Wolves from scoring >again rather than trying too hard to score a goal of their own, the game was >theirs, as well as the Crystal. Joel: So the crystal placed a bet on the Sailor Senshi. Crow: (Crystal) Five bucks says the blonde with meatballs starts whining. Gin-Rei: No bet. >They played "Pass the Puck" for a while, just to kill some more time. Tom: And our interest. >Then one of the Wolves intercepted it. He skated right towards Sailor > Mercury, and scored - honestly, for a change - on her. Joel (Wolves player): So, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I skate past again? > The score: 4-4. Time left: Two minutes. Joel: And of course the Senshi will break the tie. Am I right? All but Joel: MORE THAN EVER! Joel: Ouch. >By now, everyone was nervous, and tired. Sailor Venus instructed everyone >to distract the other team as much as possible. Crow (Venus): Lose the skirts, gang. > The tactic didn't work too well, because it provoked one of the monsters > too much, and the thing took it out on Tuxedo Mask. All: (Blissfully eat popcorn.) > The two got into a fight, and five minute penalties were called. Joel: Geez, it is like a Raiders game. >One and a half minutes. Crow: It sure is nice of the author to tell us when the fanfic will end. >Things were getting desparate. Sailor Moon, after seeing her dream guy >taken out, played with a new energy. Tom: And whiplashed her ponytails, decapitating her opponents. > She skated around, bodychecking players, trying to steal the puck. Crow: Ugh, even I won't touch that one. Gin-Rei: Trying to keep yourself in one piece? *giggle* Crow: Not exactly. >Sailor Mars got control of the puck (it was passed to her by Sailor Moon), >and shot. She missed. Tom: (Andy Kaufman) You are so stupid you stupid person! >One minute. Joel: Till we have fanfic meltdown! All: Yayyyyyy! >They played the passing game a little more, until Sailor Moon got the puck >again, and skated at the net. One of the other players bodychecked her, >sending her to the ground. This only made her play harder. Joel: Geez, even I think this paragraph is full of sexual euphemisms. Gin-Rei: You're not the only one. >Thirty seconds. Sailor Moon got the puck yet again (much to the surprise of >her teammates), and took another try at the Wolves' net. All: Yay. Gin-Rei: Wake me when it's over. (She leans her head against Joel's shoulder and dozes off.) >Fifteen seconds. Tom: (Inspector Gadget) ....till this message self destructs. Well chief, I'm always on duty! (Sound of note being tossed) Crow: (Chief) Noooooo! *Kaboosh!* >She skated around, avoiding their opponents, and trying to get a clear shot. >She got close to the net, trying to find a spot wide enough, when she had >what can be referred to as a "Klutz Attack". Crow: She starts crying like a baby and all the other players' ears explode due to the extreme decibel count? Tom: Ingenious. Joel: And evil. Tom: (German accent) But stoopid! > Her skate caught on the ice, >and down Sailor Moon went. When she fell, her stick was pushed forward, Crow: Her skirt was flipped up. Joel: Good thing Gin-Rei's sleeping, Crow. Crow: That's why I did it. >and the puck went in just as the siren blared, signaling the end of the >game. Gin-Rei (shooting awake): What? What? What? Tom: (Homer Simpson) DEFAULT! DEFAULT! DEFAULT! Joel: The only fault is this plot. >When the Sailor Scouts realized what had happened, they all skated over to >their teammate. Luna and Artemis also joined them. Crow: ...To kick her ass. >She stood up, dazed. "You won the game!" Sailor Venus was screaming. >"I did?" Sailor Moon obviously wasn't quite with it yet. Joel: She never is. >Then Malachite appeared in a puff of smoke. "Well, it seems that you've >won after all." Gin-Rei: (Malachite) Even though I could see it coming a mile away. >When Sailor Venus saw him, she turned and glared. "You cheated! You >made a promise that you would not cheat and you broke it!" Tom (Malachite): Well if I didn't then I wouldn't be a baddie. Figure it out Einstein. >"I promised nothing. I said I wouldn't dream of it, and I didn't dream of >it. I thought of it." He flashed an evil grin. Joel: He'd be perfect for congress I must say. >"Now, my faithful servants, bring me that crystal!" Tom: With super-sized fries to go! >The Wolves began advancing on them. Looking for Tuxedo Mask, Sailor >Venus saw him skating over. Gin-Rei: ...Everyone else. Tom: Ah. Nice image. >The Sailor Scouts shed their hockey equipment, >and began defending themselves. Crow: (begins drooling) Gin-Rei: Ecchi! >The Wolves had no tactics; they just started advancing blindly. Tom (blind Wolves): *THUNK* Ow! *THUNK* Ow! *THUNK* Ow! > It was going to be an easy fight. Tuxedo Mask had engaged Malachite in a > fight. Crow: (Makes Three Stooges fighting noises.) >"MARS...FIRE...IGNITE!" Sailor Mars shot forth a blast of fire, which >was aimed at the ice. It did its job, and when the Wolves skated into it, >most fell. Crow: (Bubbly voice) Ohhhh Mr. Geppetto! >"MERCURY...BUBBLES...BLAST!" Those who hadn't fallen into the > puddle were now surrounded by bubbles, which kept them from moving. Tom: What a bunch of bubbleheads... Gin-Rei: (Aims gun at Servo) I also hate bad puns! Tom: Sorry, that was my bad. Joel: Don't worry Tom, it's almost over. >"Sailor Moon, now!" Sailor Jupiter prompted. Joel: Sailor Moon Now! Available through Netscape. >"Way ahead of you!" She had already brought out the Crescent Moon Wand. Crow: Unfortunately, we are more way ahead than all of them combined. Tom: One day, we'll discover that, whenever they told her "NOW!" they didn't mean for her to use the wand. . . Crow: Oooh. There's a good idea. >"MOON...HEALING...ACTIVATION!" The hockey players were >surrounded in a fine mist, Gin-Rei: Just like this one! Joel: Watch the fourth wall. > almost like powder, as Malachite's spells were destroyed. The >players were lying there, unconscious. All (players): We can't believe we ate the whole thing. >Sailor Jupiter and Sailor Mars >helped pull some of them out of the water, while the rest of them went to >confront Malachite. Joel: About the money he owed them. >Tuxedo Mask and Malachite were still fighting. Sailor Venus raised her >hand above her head. "VENUS...CRESCENT...BEAM...SMASH!" The > beam hit Malachite in the arms. He stumbled back. Gin-Rei: With his arms ripped off, blood spurting everywhere. Oh the humanity! Crow: Where? >Sailor Mars and Jupiter rejoined the rest of them. "You're going down, >Malachite." Sailor Moon said, holding the wand in front of her. Joel: (Serena) Yeah! You're going down! Just as this fanfic is! >He tried to send some bolts of energy their way, but were deflected when >Sailor Moon said "Cosmic Moon Power!" Tom: Meanwhile, the other Scouts all gave Malachite a round of crotch chops. > When she began aiming the white fire of the Silver Crystal at him, he opened > a portal back to the Negaverse and disappeared. Tom: Lucky guy. Got out of the fanfic before we could. >Sailor Moon returned the wand to its holding place. Joel: Don't even think of it, Crow. Crow: Aww man, you guys can't have fun! >Suddenly, she realized Tuxedo Mask wasn't there. "Where'd he go?" Joel: He knew he couldn't save the fanfic, so he jumped ship as well. >He was nowhere to be seen, evidently having returned to the Negaverse as >well. Gin-Rei: He wanted to catch the newest Ally McBeal episode on TV. >Luna and Artemis walked over. "Excellent job!" Luna complimented them. Gin-Rei: (Luna and Artemis) On screwing everything up! >-**- Tom: A light! A light at the end of the fanfic! >The game was going well. Mina was cheering loudly, screaming her support >for the Leafs. Crow: And getting laryngitis in the process. >Amy had taken out a book, having lost interest in the game for a while. Joel: (Ami) "How to Write Silly Fanfics". This will make me understand. Tom: I don't think anything will now. >Raye and Serena were busy sticking their tongues out at each other, having >gotten into a fight over a ref's call. Joel: (Rei) He said I was cuter! Tom: (Usagi) No he said I was cuter! Joel: (Rei) Me! Tom: (Usagi) Me! Waaaaah! Crow: Ehhh. Okay impersonation. I give it a 5.7. >Lita sat back and enjoyed the game. Gin-Rei: (Lita) Heh heh, he plunged the puck right through his abdomen. That's great. >Luna and Artemis, sleeping in Serena and Mina's open bags, wore earplugs to >get some peace and quiet. Tom: (Luna and Artemis) Sanctuary! Sanctuary! >Everything was back to normal. Joel: For now. (Everyone laughs evilly while leaving the theatre.) *THE END* -- Fear: "Well, you certainly know how to bring a party to a halt." EMH Doctor: "I don't get out much." -----------------------------Star Trek: Voyager----------------------------- Lucas Bates - bl602@freenet.carleton.ca - http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/~bl602/ 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... (All three bots, Tom, Gypsy, and Servo are dressed in hockey gear, getting ready to play a game with Gypsy as the goailie. Their uniforms however are colored and shaped like sailor fukus. Crow has his trademarked Usagi meatballs and pigtails wig on. (Fanboy...) They have rollerblades on since there is no ice on the SOL. Also the puck is a tiara, similar to the one Usagi has in Sailor Moon.) Crow: In the name of the Moon, I will score against your piddly little butt, weenie scout! Tom: You and what army, meatball cranium? Crow: Eat me! Tom: Don't mind if I do! (Both bots start fighting ruthlessly with their hockey sticks by biting, clubbing, spitting, cussing, and other nasty stuff. Suddenly Gin-Rei, and Joel dressed up in ref uniforms skate in and break up the fight.) Gin-Rei: Woah, take it easy guys! Joel: Yeah, at least wait until we're a couple of minutes into the game. Crow: I can't help it Joel! I get this sudden rush in my blood whenever I hop onto the ice rink ready for action! The craving for fresh, drawn blood and... (Suddenly the MADs light begins to blink again, Gin-Rei skates over and puts Dr. F on screen.) (DEEP 13) Dr. F: I see your friends have decided to take in the spirit of some athletics. (SOL) Gin-Rei: Depends on how you look at athletics as a whole... (Gin-Rei finds out that the bots are ripping at each other's clothing while Joel is desperately trying to break them up to no avail. Gypsy is just sleeping in the goal, bored from the spectacle. Gin Rei fires a couple shots in the air with her automatic to get their attention.) Gin-Rei: Hey guys! Dr. Strangelove is calling! Knock it off! (The group immediately stops.) (DEEP 13) Dr. F: Well, that one fanfic isn't exactly the model of extreme pain isn't it? (SOL) Gin-Rei: You can say that again. (DEEP 13) Dr. F: Well, I don't like to treat guests like you TOO roughly before I introduce to you the main course, which I assure you, will be what you don't want to expect. (SOL) Gin-Rei: Well, we'll see about that. (DEEP 13) Dr. F: Oh, and to be a little more efficient in my handiwork, I'm going to send to you another friend to share in your hurt. (SOL) (Joel, and the bots, bruised and nicked, quickly react to the news.) All: What? Joel: A five person MSTing. This should be interesting. Ton: No kidding. Crow: Say, who is this *new* addition to our jolly band? (DEEP 13) Dr. F: Oh, trust me. You'll be pleasantly surprised... (Dr. F gears up his transporter and begins to send to Joel, Gin-Rei, and the bots the new victim.) (Nuku-Nuku was pedaling her bike around 80 MPH, with Ryounsuke desperately trying to hold one.) Ryo: Ahhhhh! Watch out for the car! (Nuku-Nuku quickly jumps her and the bike over the car coming around the corner of the street.) Ryo: I knew I shouldn't have stayed up so late! Nuku-Nuku: Don't worry Ryo-chan! Nuku-Nuku is never lat.... (Just before Nuku-Nuku can finish her sentence and flash off her cheery smile at Ryonsuke. She instantly disappears without a trace, leaving Ryo on the bike alone.) Ryo: Huh? *SPLASH!* (The bike crashes, sending Ryounsuke hurdling into a public fountain. Fortunately he only suffered a couple of moderate bruises, but dumbfounded about Nuku-Nuku's strange disappearance.) (SOL) (Nuku-Nuku appears in front of the gang) Nuku-Nuku: Ryo-chan? All: Uh ohhhhhh. MEANWHILE, IN NERIMA. THE TENDO DOJO. (Frank is sitting at the table along between Ranma, Akane, and the rest of the Ranma gang.) Frank: Mmm. This is some great Ramen Akane. Akane: Why thank you.... Uhhhh, what was your name again? Frank: Frank. TV's Frank. I just need a night or two to stay before Dr. F gets me outta' here. (Ranma is completely dumbfounded on the otherhand. He expected Frank to be in convulsions due to Akane's toxic cooking. Even the other members of the Tendo household seemed to be stunned as well. The punishment that Franks' stomach had been through in the past with Dr. F's experiments had made it able to digest even the most unedible substances.) Frank: I must admit, did you put some special spice in here Akane? Ranma: Maybe that's what's preventing him from rolling over by now. Akane: Ranma.... Frank: Oh... Akane: no... Frank: Dear... Akane: BAKA! (Unsheathes her mallet out of nowhere.) Frank: God... (We see an outside shot of the Tendo dojo, with the chaos we're all used to seeing (Or hearing in this case) occurring inside.) (DEEP 13) Dr. F: Well, that does it for general evil-doing for today. Frank, push the but... (Dr. F suddenly realizes Frank is still stuck in Nermia.) Dr. F: Ahhhh, poopie. FWOOSH! \ | / \ | / \ | / \ | / - - - - - - - - O - - - - - - - - / | \ / | \ / | \ / | \ Just give me practice with the ASCII guys. :) How will Nuku-Nuku fare with her new challenge? Who else might come aboard the Satellite of Love? Will Gin-Rei be able to keep Crow under control? Will Frank survive a day (Maybe even a minute) in the Tendo Dojo? Find out more in my next MSTing! Well, this ends my very first MSTing. It was pretty fun. It's about time I got off my tuckus and did something like this. Hope you like it. Please send C&C over to me at my address below. If any flames are dispatched, hopefully my fire-repellant suit won't fail me. :) Sincerely, The Duke of Dispersion cmdr2jimm@aol.com Episode 101: Hockey night in Tokyo. MSTing Finished on 8 /14/1998 Like they say, keep the fanfics rolling... *Twangggg* Ze Stinger: >"We had to try to find a way onto the ice. The glass is too high." >Artemis answered.