*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Indie Madnesse proudly presents: IMPROFICROAST: Improvisational MiSTing or Making Fun Of Godboys Can Be Tricky http://indiemadnesse.sandwich.net/ifroast.htm Episode 012: Hopelessly Lost Riffers, Mads, Contributors & Other Helpful People: -Signus Megido (maramala@hotmail.com) Intro, MSTing, Skits, Conclusion, Editor, Villain -Mark Poa (markpoa@edsamail.com.ph) Intro, MSTing, Skits, Conclusion, Editor, Sidekick -Ranma X (drstupid@geocities.com) Intro, MiSTing, Skits, Conclusion, Dark Brooding Angst -NeoVid (neovid@hotmail.com) Intro, MiSTing, Conclusion, Bizarro World Riffing -S. D. Ryukage (dragon48@ptd.net) Intro, MSTing, Conclusion, Murder Attempts -Jonatan Streith (a99jonst@student.his.se) Intro, MSTing, Conclusion, Editor, Conspiracy Theorist -The MultiMediocre Knight (themmk@canada.com) Delayed MSTing, Yay Fury! -Rick R. Mortis (rickr@ihug.com.au) Intro, MSTing, Skits, Conclusion, provided Tango -Austin Loomis (AGLoomis@aol.com) MSTing, IN references -Nicholas "Vidstudent" Eckert (vidstudent@hotmail.com) MSTing, Bullets -The Black Snotling (camcarr@ibm.net) Intro, MSTing, Explody -t.ogre (quasispace@ev1.net) MSTing, Quasispacer -Alair (asellus@seanbaby.com) MSTing, Surprise Appearance -Thomas Wilde (twilde@gamepartisan.com) MSTing, Not In Charge -Zetazsol (zetazsol@yahoo.com) MSTing, Modron Cosplayer -Majin (majin@houston.rr.com) MSTing, Standin For Elmer Fudd -Marvolo's Sidekick (ehyrynth@hotmail.com) MSTing, Stuff -Zemyla (pad53945@sci.tamucc.edu) MSTing, More Stuff Additional thanks to "TS" Eliot for permission to use Tango. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* For whatever reason, Signus Megido decided we should riff some Eyrie. No, I'm not sure why. But they seem to garner a lot of attraction, much to the displeasure of the author. There were some snafu with our brothers (or cousins, possibly inlaws) in arms, the MOT, over who had actually called dibs first, but we settled it, and then decided to make a joint MST. Somewhere along the line we decided to invite our new friends from Elmer Studios. Three certified loons with little or no restraint. Several heavy weapons in the hands of angry people. Eight riffers, all in various grades of displeasure over their current predicament. One long 'fic to take out their aggressions on. The result? Read on... */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* OBLIGATORY LEGAL BLAH MST3K & the related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. Bubblegum Crisis and its characters are probably copyright someone, but I'll be damned if I know who; chances are it's you. Don't sue, we're all penniless, humble people. Benjamin "Gryphon" Hutchins, Brian "Megazone" Bilkowicz, Fury, Eyrie, the Wedge and all related concepts are copyright Eyrie Productions. Similarily, the story "Hopelessly Lost" is copyright Eyrie Productions and is used with permission. Author avatars belong to their respective authors. MISTING CLASSIFICATION [MST]: Meta-Misting - Misting Of A Misting, Or A Unusual Misting The misting was completely improvised; see the ImproFicRoast home page for more details. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* The story began in a certain university in a certain country in a certain part of Asia, located in a certain part of the world. In the spacious open campus cafeteria overlooking the wide soccer field, several college students were gathered there. Some were studying for their next exams, others were taking a break from their previous lecture, and the rest were most likely skipping their currently scheduled classes. At one corner of the cafeteria, a TV set was set up, mainly intended to show educational programs and video lectures. However, some ingenious ECE students have managed to jury rig a satellite antenna tap, and today it was serviced to show foreign cable channels. Two of these aforementioned students were enjoying a light snack as they passed the time between their classes, and occasionally alternates between watching the TV and checking out the idyllic scenery around them. Both were clothed in the usual prescribed school slacks and polo shirts, although the stockier of the two wore a heavily-smudged lab coat over his uniform. He was troubled, sighing heavily as he idly stirred his mais con hielo. His companion, a smaller, unremarkable-looking guy, noticed this and was concerned. "Something on your mind, Sig?" He asked aloud. "...what in the eight circle of hell is an elective subject entitled 'Political Sociology' doing as my course requirement anyway?" Signus Megido ranted, jabbing at the confection before him several times to emphasize his poing. "Stupid. half-baked... I swear, this must be one of those illogical things these commercialized 'colleges' come up with to rip us off. I mean, do you think we would be needing stuff like 'General Ethics' and 'Basic Economics' in politics?" "Maybe..." his companion semi-agreed as he continued digging in to his own dessert. Signus briefly paused to swallow a spoonful of the dessert before continuing his ranting. "Damn... Maybe it wasn't such a great idea to finish my college degree.. This stupid exchange program is really beginning to annoy me no end. I'd almost believe this educational system of our country's out to kill me. Know what I mean?" "Uh, huh..." his companion nodded, more out of courtesy than actually paying attention. "So..." Signus spoke after finishing up his dessert. "What about you? What've you been up to these days?" Mark Poa swallowed a spoonful of ice cream and grinned. "Not much. I've finally gotten rid of a pesky houseguest, but my house is still a mess. I've been spending all my extra time studying..." Signus snorted. "Studying? Yeah, right. New anime, perhaps..." Mark shook his head, and pointed at his pie ala mode with a spoon. "Funny thing... Do you know that even a small thing like a banana split can be dangerous for your health?" Signus shrugged. "Reminds me of all those mongo bean anecdotes... What's the punchline?" "I doubt I'll get one for a while." Signus gave Mark the "You're weird" look, then sighed. "Well, at least you've passed your minor subjects, especially Psych..." "'Effects of Too Much Anime Watching on the Scholastic and Reasoning Skills of College Level Students'. I never thought they'd accept that thesis paper," Mark said. "Thanks for volunteering to be a test subject, by the way." Signus waved him off. "Don't mention it. It was nothing... Too bad I can't use your report anymore. They've seen it." Mark thought for a moment. "How about, 'Attitudes of Heterosexual Males towards Skimpier Bathing Suits'?" he suggested. "That was my first suggestion. Didn't get accepted." "'Sociological Ramifications of L5R'?" "Some guy named Chay beat me to it." "Um... How about 'Various Nocturnal Recreational Activities and Their Practical Applications'?" "It got shot down the moment they read the title," Signus groused. "You could interview those nursing students across the room. Maybe they're willing to be in a study?" Mark suggested. The two looked at the group of four good-looking women with distinctive hairstyles chatting gaily as they gathered around one table at the far end of the cafeteria. They all looked to be in their late teens, and were in uniforms of the local nursing school. Signus brightened. "Sayyy... Good idea," he said with a smile. He got up and walked over to the group. Mark winced as the slap connected. Signus returned to his seat, a red palm print decorating his cheek. "Stupid femmes..." "What did you say, anyway?" Mark inquired. "'Excuse me, ladies, but would any of you like to help me out with my psychosexual research?'" Signus replied. He paused. "I did say 'psychological' just now, right?" "Nope. You said 'psychosexual'." Signus smacked his forehead. "Argh. Damn Freudian slips..." Mark chuckled. "Looks like you're out of luck." Signus sat back down and watched the TV. The newcaster was just wrapping up the day's reports, and the snotling reporter was immediately replaced by a familiar logo. "Oh, look, 'Gavok, it name HELLO!' is on. Remember those guys?" "Yeah... Hey, maybe your adviser will be willing to accept 'Psychological Effects of Reading Internet Fanfiction on the Minds of the Clinically Insane'," Mark said in jest. Signus slowly turned around and stared at Mark. "What? Do I have pie on my face?" Mark asked nervously. Signus slowly grinned. "Mark! You're a genius!" "I am?" "That's exactly what I'm going to do!" Signus exclaimed dramatically. "I'll borrow Woofy's theater, 'recruit' some of our 'net pals, and subject them to fanfiction!" "Wha-what?" "I'll monitor their reactions, write up that paper, turn it in and ace that course for sure!" Signus powerposed while lightning struck outside the cafeteria. Mark blinked at that particularly meteorological phenomenon... given that it was a bright and sunny day. The long hazel-haired waitress passing their table returned to the counter and jibbered something about working too hard as she adjusted the stray strands of her hear that were jutting upwards like antennae. "I was kidding, Siggy," Mark said, quickly finishing the last of his ice cream. "Besides, you know how W4 is frightened by you. You did threaten to maul him severely for putting you into the theater. How would you get him to lend it to you?" "Oh, I'll... think... of something, don't worry..." Signus replied, grinning disturbingly like a Cheshire Cat. "I don't like where this is going," Mark thought nervously, feeling weirdly like Alice. *********** "You... are... renting... my... theater..." Mad Doctor W4 asked incredulously. "Err... yeah." "*You*... are... renting... my... theater..." W4 repeated. "Look... I just want to borrow it for the weekend," Mark nervously answered. He made a mental note to talk to Signus later. *********** "Can't believe he actually loaned me the whole theater," Mark said in wonderment. "Can't believe he believed it when you said you were going to show home movies to visiting relatives," Signus replied huffly, not even looking over his own adjustments. "Can't believe he accepted your payment in Sakura Wars plushies." "You gotta know people," Signus said with a wink, "and give them what they want." He finished setting the final targets to be abducted on the Teleporter(tm) and stood up. "Wasn't the secretary included in this deal?" "No, she's on vacation." Signus snapped his fingers. "Nuts. Ah, well... let's begin the experiment." "But..." *********** Jonatan Streith was making evil plans. Well, that's not really true. In actuality, he was enjoying a cup of tea at a rather quaint street café. (La Bella Italia; lovely atmosphere, somewhat unfriendly staff, their mocha latte is to die for.) He gazed at the clouds mesmerisingly rolling across the sky while half-listening to his guest recount the events of the day. In the background, Moxy Fruvous was playing on the radio. "--and then the teacher said that no, I couldn't turn in my report after the presentation, and that I should've turned it in two days before." The teenage girl shook her head. "I mean, how can they instruct us to have done something beforehand? That's not helping any." She leaned over and waved her hand in front of his face. "Hey, Earth to Jonatan. Hey!" "Hm." He blinked a few times, and pulled his attention back to the immediate area. "Sorry. Anyway, they tend to do that." "Who?" "Teachers." Jonatan shrugged. "Everyone, most of the time. It's an unconscious effect. Either you strike out on your own, or you try to fit into the system. Either is readily available here, it's just the choice that's hard to make. And hard to live with, sometimes..." He took another sip from his cup. Cerise stared at him. "...what? I don't understand." Jonatan smiled. "Just don't assume humans are rational creatures, is all. Speaking of irrationality, how's your boyfriend?" Cerise frowned slightly, and not only because of the sudden change of topic. "I don't have a boyfriend." "Well, remedy that." She facepalmed. "Jeez, be a little more pushy, would you? Besides, what about my... my..." "Your condition?" He waved his hand dismissively. "I wouldn't worry about that. Happens in anime all the time. Or are you worried he'll ask questions about the barcode on--" Cerise stiffened, face panic. "How did you find out?!" "...I was actually joking about that." He tapped his chin. "But thanks for the pleasant mental image." Noticing the early signs of her nearing critical mass, he sighed. "Sorry, I'm just ribbing you a bit. Relax, it's too nice a day to waste like that." Cerise froze, then let go of the table edge, which had developed a few dents from her grip. "I suppose." She took another biscuit and nibbled on it. Jonatan leaned back on his chair, taking a deep breath, and grinned. "Yep, on a day like this... nothing can go wrong." He vanished in a puff of smoke. Oh man..." Cerise shook her head. "Not again." Unnoticed, a miniature saucer-like object floated by. ************ A plushie of Jonatan popped out. Signus grinned evilly. "One down." "This is fun." "I know." *********** Ranma X was flying through space, a bright cheery smile on his face and very much not affected by such minor things like that inconvenient vacuum. A look of evil crossed his features as he pressed a button on a small remote he had in his hand and watched with almost orgasmic ecstasy as galaxies detonated all around him. Casually he willed a dimensional portal into existence, and quickly departed the very moment before that particular universe was no more-- --Ranma X was jolted awake as his astrophysics lecture wrapped up for today, which brought him back to reality. "Goddamn it. And I was having my favorite dream again." He looked at the departing class with undisguised malice and darkly muttered, "I will be the arbiter of your souls. Oh yes, I will be." Then he realized he was hungry and walked out of the lecture hall, his mind filled with anarchy and chaos and general mayhem and all other similar pleasant thoughts. Ranma X was then promptly abducted by a stranger. Oddly enough, (to Ranma X anyways,) this did not lead him to yet another routine torture session at the IFR Studios. He was instead deposited in a diner somewhere along I-35 in Duluth, Minnesota. The stranger was in fact a sentient twenty-six cubic foot refrigerator, and very nice about waking Ranma X up in a booth in front of a pancake breakfast with coffee. Right now he excused himself after profusely apologizing to a waking Ranma X for accidentally abducting him instead of his real target. Ranma X grabbed his head as he floated back to consciousness, the last stanzas of the Fruit Baskets opening song echoing around him as he tried to gather his thoughts. "Nevar feer, teh bigest writter evar si hear!" Ranma X looked around in surprise after hearing the string of incoherence. "Doc Thinker? President Bush? Elvis?" After a moment, he spotted the murderer of the English language. "Oh. It's only you. What's going on, NeoVid?" The walking contradiction in the trenchcoat of cosmic paradox looked at him silently for a moment, then wittily replied, "What the ^*%$ are you talking about?" "...Wait. You've been at that Stripcreator place again, haven't you?" Ranma X asked rhetorically. "I DO NOT SUCK- ow!" NeoVid exclaimed as Ranma X smacked him in the head. "Stop acting like a freak." NeoVid handed him a mirror. "There's another way to act?" Ranma X facepalmed. "I wonder what else Satan has planned for me today..." The universe struck with perfect comedic timing, as the two of them disappeared wuth just barely enough time to react. "I didn't want an answer!" Ranma X's voice echoed as a saucer-like thing floated by. ************ A plushie of Ranma X followed by a plushie of NeoVid popped out. "Okay, that's three down..." Signus stated, marking off names on a list. "You made a list?" Mark asked incredulously. "'And checking it twice,'" Signus said with a grin. "'Gonna find out who's naughty or nice...' Hey, you have to go about this methodically, you know. This is a serious scientific study we're experimenting on." "Yeah, whatever..." Mark rolled his eyes heavenward. "Anyway, who's next?" ************ The three appeared inside the theater lobby in successive puffs of smoke. "Moh?" Jonatan, finding himself languishing in air, promptly crashed painfully to the floor. Grunting slightly from the pain, he sat up and looked around. "...right. This is divine punishment, isn't it?" He shook his head and got to his feet. "How many deities did I piss off this time..." Ranma X popped into existence holding a mug of coffee and three sugar packets which immediately fell out of his hands and on his face. He also appeared from the ceiling and fell about two stories. NeoVid (who had materialized standing and no worse for wear) watched and winced when Ranma X landed screaming with a non-dramatic thump. After cringing in pain from first degree burns and allowing the fall trauma to pass, Ranma X murmured, "Ow," and looked up where he saw NeoVid standing near him, arms raised. "RAAAR! NEOVID WILL CORNHOLE--" *WHAM!* "Ow! Thank you!" Ranma X sighed and sat up slowly. "So, who do you think has gone crazy this time?" He asked. The other two looked at him with raised eyebrows. "What?" he retorted. "It's a perfectly legitimate question!" ************ Signus was exasperated. "For cryin' out loud, Mark. How hard could it be to grab that plushie?!?" "Will... you... stop... interrupting... me?!?" Mark snapped back, a vein throbbing on his forehead as his hands furiously fiddling with the joystick in front of him, the manual of the new transporter sitting on his lap. On the machine's viewscreen, a floating UFO saucer, much like those mentioned earlier in this chapter, hovered directly overhead a plushie of a certain catgirl. Slowly, the UFO's claw descended downwards to snag the doll. He held his breath, not daring to make any actions other than motioning with the controls to grab at the plushie. Mark let out a whoop of joy and relief as the claw succeeded in grasping the prize. The claw slowly ascended, bearing the tetering plushie as it inched closer towards the bin. The whole world itself seemed to stop and pause-- --right before the UFO Catcher dropped the plushie of Midnight Star again. Mark grimaced at the controls of the transporter-turned UFO Catcher booth. "I'll get her this time, I'm sure of it!" He declared, searching his pockets for a quarter. Signus rolled his eyes upwards in exasperation, and went back to putting the finishing touches on the table. This is going to be sooo cool... "...Um, do you have a quarter?" Mark asked sheepishly, pointing at a coin slot at the machine's side. Signus facefaulted. "What the Blazing Salvos of Recklessly Charging Screeching Mogg Fanatics are you telling me???" The Magic reference went right over Mark's head as he nodded. "We're out of change, duh. Who knew that catgirls are that hard to grab on to?" "Must be the lack of fur save for their head and other strategic positions on their bodies," Signus replied before catching himself. "Ack..." "Oookay, I won't ask where you got that juicy little tidbit of information," Mark said, eyebrow raised. "If you're so determined to get her in the theatre, why didn't you use the teleporter yourself?" "Hey, I'm the Mad here, not you," Signus retorted. "I'm busy working on my presentation for our friends. We have to be 'in-character', you know." Mark tried not to think too hard on that one, which actually took some effort. "So, what now? Any more bright ideas?" "Hmm, let me think... I'd have to recruit some other people from other places... just to make the sampling of test subjects for the experiment more random. Dream City seems to have a lot of insane people." "You don't say," Mark commented in a deadpan sigh. Signus added a few names on the list. "Let's see, I think we ought to get the MultiMediocre Knight, the Black Snotling, and Tiffa for good measure. Maybe even Gavok... and Racewing, too..." Mark shook his head. "Geezas, you're planning on going big, aren't you? "What's worth doing, is worth doing all-out," Signus quoted. "What are you going to show to them anyway?" "That... is a secret." Signus grinned, his index finger tapping at his lips. Mark facepalmed. "My fault. I walked into that one." "Well, if we don't have any quarters, let's use the old transporter then," Signus ordered. "Set it for Dream City and get MMK and the others." "Okily-dokily." "Stop that." ************ The Dream City Torture Theater. Inside his office, its current owner was entertaining an unusual guest... and an unusual request. "Let me get this straight... You want to recruit me to join you in the Apartment?" the MultiMediocre Knight asked. "Either you or Tiffa, I think," Rebecca Bartley clarified. "Rick's gone and I'm looking for someone to take his place." The attractive woman tapped on her cybernetic left arm as she smiled at the MMK in the cute way that only women capable of mass destruction can. "I figure you're looney enough to annoy the voice, and I could set Tiff on Dan." "Well... It's a nice offer, but..." "You'll have all the Mountain Dew you'd want..." Rebecca added. MMK paused. "That's tempting... but I've got a theater to run, see? And certain rival TV shows to beat in the ratings..." Behind MMK's seat, directly behind MMK's neck, a section of the wall opened and a large pair of shears emerged. In the secret room behind the wall, S.D. Ryukage snickered evilly. She'll have her revenge now, and the MMK will finally feel the repercussions of that... that... horrible, horrible images... horrible... S.D. shook her head as she tried to drive away the scarring images that threatened to return in her mind. The red-headed dark elfin girl reminded herself on what she was about to do, and she brightened at that pleasant thought. "Only a little more... and snip!" She chuckled cutely, bringing the shears closer... closer... The door to the MMK's office burst open as a black goblin-like creature jumped in carrying a large bazooka-like weapon. He was followed by a heavyset man wearing army fatigues. "Give that back!" Vidstudent roared out. "No way!" the Black Snotling shouted back. He leaped over the surprised Rebecca and bowled over the MMK, who yelped as he fell backwards. S.D. Ryukage snipped -- and managed to neatly bisect a passing fly in two. The drow cursed. "I said give!" Vidstudent shouted, grabbing at the Snotling. Unfortunately, he tripped and fell over one of the MMK's Magic 8-balls and crashed into Rebecca. The two landed on the floor in a tangled heap of limbs. "Snot! Quit running around the office! And watch where you point that thing!" MMK shouted, trying to stand up. "You don't know what that thing is!" "Yeah I do! It's a universal remote and coffee plunger!" "It's a goddamn missile launcher, Snot!" "It is? Cool! You up for live-action Wolfenstein?" "You betcha!" Vidstudent shook his head and sat up. He blinked when he felt his hands grasping something soft... and round... Curious, Vidstudent gave the things a couple of experimental squeezes, receiving a dangerous and unmistakably feminine growl in return. With a start, he looked down at a frowning Rebecca, with his hands resting on certain interesting parts of her anatomy. Rebecca did not look pleased. Reddening furiously, Vidstudent recoiled and stood up immediately. "I... it's not what it looks like!" "WA-TAK!" came the sound as Vidstudent was thrown against the wall of the office. S.D. Ryukage cursed and decided on the direct approach. She crawled through the hole in the wall, a feat in itself since the hole was about the same size as a box of Kellogg's cereal. She then took out a wicked-looking whip and snapped it, aiming for the MMK's head. "Die, MMK!" MMK didn't seem to hear or notice. "...wait until I get my spare photon cannon, and then..." "Dude, if you didn't notice, your assistant is trying to kill you!" the Snotling shouted. "...she's what?" MMK turned around, saw the approaching whip, shouted "Whoah!", and leaned back. The scene went into slow motion as the MMK executed a bend that would have made a normal man a chiropractor's dream. The scene rotated around the MMK's form as technomusic played in the background. If this scene were a movie, the homage to the Matrix would have been more obvious. The whip end sailed past the MMK and into the Snotling. Snotling eep'ed and used the missile launcher as a shield. The whip snapped and pushed a bright red button. The missile launcher started glowing bright red. "Uh-oh," a recovering Vidstudent exclaimed. "It's going to blow!" "Eep!" the Black Snotling eep'ed. ************ "Did you get a fix on the MultiMediocre Knight now?" "Hold on, I'm not quite used to this yet... Yeah, I've got his coordinates. He's in his office, not surprisingly enough." "Then lock on the MMK's office and teleport him in." "Roger." "Don't call me that." "Huh?" Mark said as he pushed the big red button. ************ "AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" the Snotling shouted as he ran outside the office, carrying the ominously glowing missile launcher. "Snot, wait!" MMK shouted, but the Black Snotling was already running outside the theater and throwing the Dolly Parton Tape at the nearest available location. ...no, wait, he did that elsewhere BEFORE grabbing Vidstudent's missile launcher a while ago. As an afterthought, the Snotling threw a few compressed Cool Whip(TM) grenades (that he took from SAMAS earlier, of course) after the missile launcher for good measure. In this case, someone would have a busy four hours cleaning the whipped cream off of the one-hour photo developers, and Dream City would be needing a new one-hour photo developing store in the near future. The boom of the muffled explosion was followed by the loud poof of air as the four remaining people in the office disappeared. "That was a close one..." Snot said, returning to the room only to find it empty. He looked around aghast. "Zoinks! Where'd everybody go?!?" ************ Back in the theater lobby, the huge wall monitor blinked to life. The trio looked at the screen, expecting to see their captor for this episode. They saw a dimly-lit office, the only light coming from a solitary miniature lava lamp placed on the glass table. Seated on the only chair visible at the head of the table was a young man whose features were shrouded by the surrounding shadows. He was dressed in a plain dark shirt, over which he wore a white lab coat that seemed natural for him to have on. Occasionally, the viewers could almost see movement from the shadows around him. Jonatan shook his head in disgust. The familiar figure looked up, and began to speak. "Hey, it's Che Fierro!" Ranma X pointed out, interrupting their captor's introduction. "Hi dude! How's Evol doing?" Signus' head slammed on the surface of the table. "The #%&(???" NeoVid said eloquently. "He's our Mad for today?" His head still on the table, Signus began muttering. "Guys, I think you just made him upset because you ruined his grand entrance," Mark commented, his image popping into the screen. "Hi, Jon, Ran and 'Vid." Jonatan turned to the screen and half-smiled as usual. "Mark. How surprising. My condolences to your recent demise." "Uh, I'm not dead yet." "Hmm." Jonatan glanced at his wrist. "Seems my watch is a few minutes early..." "..." "Hey, Mark, what's this all about?" Ranma X asked. Signus muttered. Mark checked his notes. "Well, it's... exactly what you think it is," he finally replied. "You're the current batch of reviewers for a project Siggy is working on." "You mean we're going to preread something Signus wrote?" NeoVid clarified. "How quaint." "Not really..." Mark trailed off. "...to be frank, I'm not sure what he's got planned." Jonatan was promptly flattened by the combined weight of MMK, Rebecca, SD, and Vidstudent, as the teleporter chose that exact moment to deposit them into the theater lobby. "I was wondering if the teleportation system worked," Mark said off-handedly. "Right..." Jonatan muttered. "Hello, S.D. Hello, Knight. Hello, others. Get... off!" He managed to shrug off the pile of surprised people and crawled to his feet. The MMK got to his feet and looked around. "I've been ported to NERV? Cool!" S.D. shook her head. "...and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you pesky Mads," she muttered under her breath. Vidstudent was still seeing stars to comment. "Now then," Signus announced, massaging his forehead, "since we're all here, time for you all to head to the theater, and we shall begin this experiment promptly." "What will we work on today, anyway?" Neovid asked. "Well, your experiment is..." "Well, this is new... how much do you pay?" Rebecca asked. "Pay?" Signus asked back. "You know? For undergoing the experiment? The Voice may be annoying, but it pays us well enough," Rebecca explained. Signus looked nervous. "How much...?" "A hundred thousand per viewing," Rebecca lied. The others looked at her with raised eyebrows. "...give or take a few thousand," she admitted. At that moment, a huge, rust-coloured, crab-like mecha crashed through the wall, babbling incoherencies about how mankind was standing below god and the like, and cleansing the world. It was carrying a sack in one of its oversized pincers. Before anyone could respond, it shook the sack open, depositing an irregularly- shaped parcel wrapped in brown paper, then wandered out through the hole in the wall. Everyone cautiously eyed the package. It was addressed to "Zorndyke's swinging pad, Number 1, Antarctica", and had been marked "Insufficient postage, return to innocent bystander." It was also rustling ominously. "Do you... know anything about this?" Signus asked Mark. "I have no idea where that came from..." Mark began to reply. Suddenly, a chainsaw burst through the package from the inside, ripping it open. Inside was a cruel mockery of a man, clad in a dark blue flightsuit and wearing a commando-wannabe haircut. "I LIVE! WUBBLE!" "Oh, great. Tango," Rebecca grumbled. "What other surprises are in store for us?" "Don't say that!" Ranma X warned. Up on the booth, Signus was surprised by this turn of events, but nonetheless glad that the subject of money was all but forgotten. "Enough talk. Into the theater you guys!" He pushed a button. "WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!" MMK shouted, before bringing out confetti and throwing them in the air. "Dude, that's no reason to celebrate," NeoVid remarked. "I know. I just like throwing confetti," MMK said, before running along and dragging Vidstudent behind him. ************ Door 1: It's a mighty stone wall, carved from the hearth of a volcano, each stone requiring a hundred men to move it... or not. Ranma X pokes a hole in it, revealing it to be painted tin foil. Door 2: It's a translucent tube leading to a ship's airlock. S.D. glances out the side as the riffers swim down to the door, noticing that 'WDF VALIANT' has been hastily scribbled on the side in Magic Marker over 'HMS FEARLESS'. Door 3: IT IS... EL ASSO WIPO! Almost no one gets the reference. Door 4: It is a large, Gothic-style door with bears, in fanciful script the cryptic phrase "Disco sensation! Set the night on fire! Disco sensation!" Tango does the Saturday Night Fever pose while the others run past it. Door 5: It's a curtain made of panties and bras, tied together end to end. Rebecca stares blankly at it, then Happosai bounces by and, magically, it's all gone. Door 6: It's a solid gold door, carved into the shape of a large kitten. It bears the phrase 'Cattus nihil ergo' which means, in English, nothing of great significance. The kittens eyeballs are scarily translucent and you have the distinct feeling you are being watched. Only really good as a very large and very heavy ornament, the actual door is 5 inches high. Bored to death, NeoVid pokes a small hole in it with a pencil that magically appeared on the floor; this reveals it to be actually made of cardboard and gold spray paint. The riffers squeeze through. Door 7: It's a large mirror. All the riffers run towards it, then start screaming, skid a little bit, and start running backwards. From off-camera, MMK yells "Hey, wait a minute, guys!" and the sound of running feet stops. "No worries," he continues, "it's just a bunch of harmless, but witty psychos!" Convinced, the riffers laugh in relief and embarrassment, and push their way past it as past a revolving door. Door 8: It's several *gigabytes* of Eyrie-style text, all devoted to the description of a single banana. Vidstudent tries to blast a path through, but there is simply too much to destroy. As he reloads, you get a good look at the text. You quickly begin to nod off. When you wake up... ************ (All enter and take seats.) Tango: I'd take it kindly if anyone explained to me what's going on. S.D.: Can't talk. Contemplating murderous plans. NeoVid: We're apparently subjected to the whims of a mad scientist whose evil plans involve our being subjected to literary aberrations as a form of torture. Tango: Oh. (Pause.) I should have known it was Monday. (Vidstudent regains consciousness.) Vidstudent: Where am... oh. MMK: Welcome back to the living, my friend. Vidstudent: I wished I hadn't. >Hopelessly Lost MMK: Starring: Ryouga Hibiki as Ben "Gryphon" Hutchins. (Pause.) Or was it the other way around? (He ^_^s) >The famous person wears the same size waterskis as me She's got three cars as >many years I've lived in this city Her hair is blonde and mine is brown NeoVid [singer]: We're not related, you see... >they >both start with a "B" But when the phone inside her rib cage rings Jonatan: Cybernetics gone horribly wrong. >it's not for >me But when the phone inside her rib cage rings it's not for me hey! >--They MIGHT BE Giants (The Famous Polka, _Miscellaneous T_) Tango: Weird Al! We love you, Ben! Rebecca: Wrong Polka. Tango: In which case... *BOO!* Down with Ben! Up with exploding bunny rabbits! >Good evening, S.D. [Gary Owens]: My teeth are made of plaster. >and welcome to Ghosts of the Past Theatre. I'm your host, Gryphon. MMK [Zoner]: I'm coppin' an attitude! Vidstudent [Gryphon]: What? MMK [Zoner]: Tonight! I'm *coppin' an attitude*! Vidstudent [Gryphon]: Fine! Go ahead! Tango [ReRob]: I'm coppin' one too! Vidstudent [Gryphon]: Oh really. Tango [ReRob]: You bet! I am *coppin' an attitude*! Vidstudent [Gryphon]: That's good. >You remember me... NeoVid [Gryphon as Troy McLure]: ...from such self-inserted fanfiction as "Street Fighter: Warrior's Legacy" and "So Good, It's Eyrie!" MMK: Dude, my gag. NeoVid: I'm just *borrowing* it. > the owner of this account and I have Ranma X [Gryphon]: Had a long talk about the "no hot-plates" rule, and... >done great things to your minds. Rebecca: Yeah, and I have the therapy bills to prove it. >Some of you have wondered when we would get round to doing something else. Rebecca: In the end, he did. Instead of a fic with a smug, all-knowing smarmy git called Gryphon, we got a smug, all-knowing smarmy git called DJ. S.D. [Gryphon]: DJ's not a self-insert! Really! Jonatan: Of course not. Why else would he have written a long SI dialogue where they both assured the readers of this fact... while bragging about their bikes and their lives. >Since I've regained net access, Vidstudent: --the world is doomed. Rebecca [Reagan]: We begin bombing in five minutes. >I've gotten a query or three myself, even. Ranma X: Three isn't even. (Ranma reads the line again.) Ranma X: Wait, never mind. NeoVid: No, hey, you're right. Three *isn't*-- Ranma X: Ah, shut it. >So, we figured it was time Rebecca [Vader]: --VADER TIME!-- >to get round to doing just that. >What you are about to read is the result of a project which is actually quite >old. Tango: Is it as old as... this cheese? (Pulls out a block of cheese and smashes it over his head. It crumbles.) (Jonatan and MMK both shake their heads.) Jonatan: Such a waste of cheese. MMK: I almost cried. >We started work on this in the fall of 1991, as a break from the UF series. Vidstudent [Gryphon]: We *should* have just thrown it out, but too late now. >We wanted to do something lighter, not quite as heavy, MMK: *Wow*! Both at once? >dark, and interactive-- NeoVid [Gryphon]: Same old Gryphon and Zoner inside, though. Tango: Less filling, tastes great! >and certainly not as big. >Well, Rebecca [Gryphon]: So much for *that* plan. >that was then, and this is now. S.D. [Gryphon]: Suckers! >However, one caveat: the universe you are about to enter is much smaller Jonatan [Gryphon]: Please be advised to lower your head when entering the universe. NeoVid: Subspace has low headroom. >and more self-contained than the UF universe. Rebecca: So... it doesn't go around mugging other people's universes for a change? Vidstudent: He's only going to mug one. S.D.: Hmm, well. Noble. >So, while many of you have expressed a >desire to incorporate your own ideas into the UF universe, Ranma X: I remember when I wrote in suggesting something for UF. Rebecca: You did? Ranma X: Yeah. I wanted to request that they blow up Vaughn or Android, at least once. > to make your mark, so to speak, upon it (Tango pulls out a marker and scribbles on the screen.) >(and we have been, I think, more than free with it), Rebecca: There you have it, open-source fanfiction. NeoVid (facing the readers): Not that there's anything wrong with that. >I would thank you not to do so here. >Besides, there's no need to; there's nothing >special about this universe except for the fact that we're in it. Rebecca: So... nothing special at all, then? Jonatan: No, no, no. He's insinuating that *that's* what makes it special. Tango: It also has a higher than normal amount of grilled cheese sandwiches. S.D.: Fascinating. >If you want to >do your own BGC crossover, do the honest thing and steal it yourself. S.D.: Way to be oxymoronic, Gryph. Ranma X: Hehehe... (Ranma X notices the looks of the others.) Ranma X: What? I thought it was funny. Jonatan: Well, theft is property, after all. >Which brings me to the actual introduction itself. This work is primarily a >Bubblegum Crisis...er...what's the word? Rebecca: ...Mess? Vidstudent: ...Rip-off? Jonatan: ...Parody? S.D.: ...Insult? Ranma X: ...Zone? NeoVid: ...Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious? MMK: ...42? Tango: Six? Nine? Asprin? Mice? Fiberglass? >"Mutation" comes to mind. (Tango stands up in a blue spandex suit with red goggles on.) Tango: DREAMS DON'T DIE! (MMK stands up wearing an Onslaught costume two sizes small for him.) MMK: THE DREAM IS DEAD! Tango: DREAMS DON'T DIE! MMK: THE DREAM IS DEAD! Tango: DREAMS DON'T DIE! MMK: THE DREAM IS DEAD! Tango: DREAMS DON'T DIE! MMK: THE DREAM IS DEAD! Tango: DREAMS DON'T DIE! MMK: THE DREAM IS DEAD! Tango: DREAMS DON'T DIE! MMK: THE DREAM IS DEAD! Tango: DREAMS DON'T DIE! MMK: THE DREAM IS DEAD! Tango: DREAMS DON'T DIE! S.D. [ominously calm]: I had a dream... (Both MMK and Tango turn towards S.D.) S.D.: In my dream I saw you two repeatedly screaming at each other. And then... (dramatic pause) ...you both die. (There is silence.) S.D. [with a Very Evil Grin(tm)]: Do you want to make my dream come true? Tango: That is fascinating! S.D. [taken a bit aback]: ...really. Tango: You are very, very interesting, and very, *very* perceptive! (MMK holds his arm in front of Tango.) MMK: Not yet. Tango: ...aww. Fine. >Perhaps MegaZone will have something more erudite to describe it in >his section, Tango [Zoner]: Pink fluffy bunnies! Rebecca: That's either in character, or you being you. (Tango grins.) Ranma X: Or both. Rebecca: Or both. I'm not sure that I want to know the answer. >but that's what comes to my mind. Jonatan [Yakko]: Brain! S.D. [Dr. Scratchnsniff]: No, no, we haven't started. Jonatan [Yakko]: Begun! S.D. [Dr. Scratchnsniff]: No! >The particulars will make themselves apparent in the actual text itself, so >there won't be much need for explanations, nose-leading or as-you-know-Bobbing >here... Vidstudent: Can we go now? Ranma X: Wishful thinking? Vidstudent: Likely. >...so I shall pass the stage to MegaZone, NeoVid [Gryphon]: Go long, buddy! Heh. I kill me. >and he can tell you what he wants to >tell you about this work of ours. Vidstudent: Aw, man. We're gonna be here all month. >Eyrie Productions is back... S.D.: Subtitled: Fear. > ...and this time, we're not using condiments. Jonatan: So he admits it's going to be bland and tasteless. Tango: Which means that the world is going to be full of little Eyries running around screaming and we will have an Eyrie population explosion! When will the insanity end? >Oh, one other thing. Some of you may find certain of the scenes contained in >this work to be unnecessary, gratuitous, or poorly justified. Rebecca: So... what else is new? Tango: My socks? Jonatan: He could have phrased it simply as "more of the same." >Just remember this one simple rule of thought: Jonatan: "Two plus two equals five for extremely large values of two." Rebecca: "If I lived here, I'd be home by now." Vidstudent: "You are god." NeoVid: "Don't think about it too much. It's only a fanfic." Ranma X: "Life sucks." Tango: "When in doubt, blame the Canadians." MMK: Hey! >Has everything in your actual life been necessary >and well justified? Tango: Well- Rebecca: No. MMK: But what about the- Rebecca: NO! Tango: Awww... Rebecca: Here, have a banana. MMK, Tango: Sweet! >I didn't think so. NeoVid: Remember, kids: Life sucks, so create your own little private worlds. Jonatan: Social octrasizing in five easy steps. > We strove for as much realism as possible >in this unreal setting, and the lives of the characters follow rather typical >Wedge-Dynamics... MMK: Save the world, floyd around, kiss anime babes... >your mileage may vary. >Peace and love, etc., --G. NeoVid: Homey. Yo. >io30597@maine.maine.edu Catapultam habeo. Nisi >pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam. MMK: Literally translated, "I Lost 40 Pounds In Two Weeks! Ask Me How." Jonatan: Ani-san no Raoul no sakana o misete, buddy. NeoVid: Hey, Ranma, I think he just called you something unmentionable. Ranma X: Oh, yeah? Well the same to you, too! >---CUT HERE--- (snip) Rebecca: No, no, no! First, place dotted line around Authors' necks, then you cut! S.D.: Or some other place besides their neck. (snickers) (Ranma X crosses his legs involuntarily.) Ranma X: Cut that out. (A pause.) Ranma X: ...You know what I *mean*. >hello, zoner here... >Ah, it's been a long time coming and it's great to be back... Tango [Zoner]: *Finally*... the Zoner *has come back*... to *Eeeeey-rie*! >In a new universe this time, well, a new 'borrowed' universe. Rebecca: As well as an "old" universe and a "blue" one. > We're still doing UF work, Jonatan [Zoner]: It helps pay the bills... (NeoVid [Gryphon] leans over and whispers something in Jonatan [Zoner]'s ear.) Jonatan [Zoner]: What do you mean we're not earning anything from UF? What about all those hits? Aren't we a dot-com? Give me back my youth! > a few ideas are still working their way onto 'paper' so to speak. Vidstudent [Zoner]: It involves using a 'la-ser'. >And we're not the only ones, I recently received another UF story from an old >WPI >pal. Though we're waiting for final approval to post it. Vidstudent [Wedge Rat]: Submitted for the approval of the Eyrie Productions society, I call this tale... (mimics throwing water at a campfire) the "Tale of the Twisted Story." (Ranma X looks vaguely confused. S.D leans over and whispers something to him.) Ranma X [to S.D.]: What? *No* I'm not afraid of the dark! S.D.: No-- (S.D. rolls her eyes and slaps her forehead.) S.D.: Never mind. > (floyd, you listening? C'mon man...) Tango: Yo, pfloyd, pick up the phone! >And just today another netrunner started work on a new tale, >Hammer Time is still running, Rebecca: So you can have all the neon-coloured ninjas with the Ariskange frugging mind set you want. >etc. So the UF universe is going strong. Jonatan: Now, if the UF universe leaves the station at 50 miles per hour-- Tango: Six hundred and ten miles. (Jonatan is silent for a second.) Jonatan: Holy crap. >But, we have a lot of ideas that just didn't work in the UF timeline. S.D.: They could only screw up with enough universes before the timeline bloats. >Back when we were writing the original Undocumented Features in the fall >of 1991 we took Jonatan: --lots and lots of drugs. Signus [over intercom]: Hey, "shiitake" was still legal then. Ranma X: No one asked you, pusher. >some breaks and 'scribbled' down some random ideas. Tango: One of them was free pies for all llamas after 6 pm. Rebecca: Tango, you *are* a random idea. Tango: I try. >We were taken by some of them and NeoVid [Zoner]: ...held hostage while the ideas performed experiments on us with anal probes. > fleshed them out, Ben had just been introduced to BGC and thus many of >the ideas were set in a BGC universe. MMK [Gryphon]: I don't have any evil plans. (A beat.) MMK: Heh heh. The classics. > We saved these segments and over time tied many together. Ranma X [Zoner]: Those were the bitchingest three-legged races *ever*. >And they grew into this, originally 'Ben and Zoner Get Hopelessly Lost' All: Heinous. > the concept changed as it grew and the 'Bill and Ted' attitude faded. All: Righteous! (Tango and MMK stand up and do air-guitars.) > So it is now simply 'Hopelessly Lost'. S.D.: Unfortunately for everyone, the fic isn't. Vidstudent: It's actually based on the fact that all the proofreaders of this fic gave the same answer when asked about the plot. >As much as I've really enjoyed the fiction others have done for the UF >universe, MMK [Zoner]: Nothing can compare to ME! MEEEEEEEEEEE! > I guess I wanted something to work on that was smaller, more >intimate. Rebecca: So he went back to jerking off. >That was one of the appealing things of the HL world to me, it was set small, >basically in one city, and the scope wasn't as broad. Vidstudent [Zoner]: Just me, and Ben... and me again... and Ben again. NeoVid [Zoner]: Don't mind the Knight Sabers. They're just there for the booty. >The UF universe is HUGE, we've discussed and timelined so many events that we >could never write all of the stories. S.D.: Why do I suddenly feel like smiling and shouting for joy? Vidstudent: I'm suddenly filled with hope for mankind. NeoVid: We all have hopes for Mankind. MMK: Besides Mick Foley, of course. > Try describing the universe and all of its >events across all of time. Whoa! That way lies madness. MMK: No, this way lies madness! (MMK points to a sign that reads "Way Madness Lies". The arrow points toward the direction of the theater snack bar.) NeoVid: I'm getting some Madness. Anyone want some? Tango: One large one. MMK: Yes, please. Jonatan: One and a bottle of tequila, please. S.D.: None for me. Ranma X: I already got some earlier, thank you. (takes out a chocolate bar and eats) (NeoVid walks to the snack bar.) Rebecca: Suddenly, I'm not in the mood for munchies. (Vidstudent nods.) >There is a bit of cross-over with the UF universe, in a holistic sort of way. Jonatan [Zoner]: Dirk Gently's having a look around. Vidstudent: I wouldn't doubt it. >Sort of our 'Castle Rock'... Ranma X: Well, I hope it turns into "'Salem's Lot" on your avatars. (NeoVid returns and distributes the snacks.) >Ben and I have been kept apart by life, Rebecca: And a restraining order. >but he's back in town for a while and >we've been jamming hard. Jonatan: S.D., get out of my head. S.D.: What? Why did you say that? Jonatan: I suddenly got a yaoi mental image... (S.D. grins.) > Hence the recent spate of long awaited (yahright) Tango [Zoner]: Lahk, totally! >UF tales, and now this, the first post in the Hopelessly Lost universe. S.D.: Again, we regret the fact that it wasn't Hopelessly Lost. >What? First post? Yes, in fact this is less than half of the material we've >already written. Ranma X: Remember those motivational self-help videos about doing your best in everything and giving it 101% every time? Jonatan: Yeah, so? Ranma X: I blame them for this mess. > It's just that a lot of the rest of the stuff hasn't been >lashed together with literary duct tape. Tango: All hail duct tape! The greatest invention of all mankind! (He waves around a mass of firearms duct-taped together.) >But the next section, Midnight Sun, is actually fairly well along. Jonatan [Zoner]: We're only experiencing copyright infringement suits from Marvel... NeoVid: That's "Sun," not "Sons." Jonatan: (shrugs) So sue me. >Whereas UF is a grand-sweeping, movie-like series, HL is more an episodic-OAV >style tale. Rebecca: Thus you get less attribute and power points. >As befits its source material. So now we can drive ourselves mad >juggling two universes! Vidstudent: Of course, they could always do a Crisis on Infinite Earths reboot. MMK: Yeah, but then, a few years later, they'd have to Zero Hour that out, too. > (And, for me, Robotech: The Misfold, and another >upcoming tale I'm trying to work on (I am sorry about the delay Matt), plus I >HAVE A LIFE! S.D.: Damn! Does this mean we have to stop telling you to get one? Rebecca: How about, "Take that back! Get a better one!" S.D.: Hey! That works too! > Well, a budding relationship. Life is actually cool right now.) Tango: Unforgivable! For having a life, I sentence you to watch ADV dubs till your ears bleed! >But, I'm rambling, this story is almost two years in the making. We just >wrapped >it up today 7/18/93, ok, maybe more like a year and a half. Rebecca [Zoner]: Well, a year and a bit. Or a bit less. Okay, quite a bit less. If you must know, we did it one weekend and spent the next eighteen months farting around. >It was interesting >to work on a story that has been fairly dormant for most of that time. Jonatan [Zoner]: It was fairly surly when it first woke up. NeoVid [Zoner]: Until it got its coffee. >So, if you're ready for more male power fantasy in a borrowed universe, enjoy. MMK [Dr. Evil]: Riiiiggghht. >:-) BTW, remember, we can't show you everything. NeoVid [Zoner]: Damn censors won't let us show the yaoi luvluv scenes. S.D.: I have the thing on bootleg though. (grins) (*Click*) Mark [over intercom]: Hey, Siggy, didn't you have that too? Signus [over intercom]: ...I don't know what you're talking about. Mark [over intercom]: You know, the one with the Cool Whip and the... Signus [over intercom]: Keep that up and I will hurt you. Mark [over intercom]: Whoops, mike's on. (*Click*) > The characters probably have a >reason for everything they do, probably... Jonatan [Zoner]: We're maybe making sense, maybe... >I hope you enjoy it. It'll be in the next post. Feedback is very welcome. Ranma X: Except folks like us, I'd imagine. >######################################################### ># I have one prejudice, and that is against stupidity. Rebecca: Self-hatred rears its ugly head. >Use your mind, think! # ># Email megazone@wpi.wpi.edu Moderator, WPI anime FTP site 130.215.24.1 /anime # ># Moderator, rec.arts.anime.stories Submissions to anime-dojinshi@wpi.wpi.edu # >############################################################## > > >2 AUGUST 1992 MMK [Mark Cohen]: o/~ 9 p.m., Eastern Standard Time. From here on in, I shoot without a script... o/~ >The black sky Jonatan: African-American sky. S.D.: Yeah, may as well get that out of the way right now. > rumbled, NeoVid [sky]: Urgh... shouldn't have had chinese... > then split wide open, Vidstudent [NBA Jam announcer]: He was wiiiide open! Jonatan [Waiter]: Oh, come on, have a mint. It's wafer-thin. NeoVid [Sky]: Well, alright, just one-- Ranma X: Oh *no* you two don't. >brilliant white >light roaring down onto a hilltop Jonatan: A Black Isle Production. Ranma X: Are you implying that they are Eyrie fans? Jonatan: Hush, you. > outside a city, in front of a NeoVid: --Kwik-e-mart. >bizarre stone edifice. Rebecca: Saint Basil's in Moscow? >There was a roaring noise, MMK [Engine]: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOAR! Jonatan: MGM Productions presents... > a tearing wind that ripped leaves from trees Rebecca: Phew! That's one mighty wind. (Giggles) S.D.: Maybe somewhere Dan just ate a really large burrito. > in the wake of the light. >A thunderous, earsplitting MMK [random villager spectator]: He split Robin's ear in TWAIN! NeoVid [psycho]: I do all of my earsplitting with my Massacre Souvenir Chainsaw(TM)! > crash of sound blasted glass out of buildings on the >outskirts of the city. Jonatan: Special effects by the Highlander crew. Tango: VOOOOM! >Then there was darkness and silence again. Vidstudent: No, Sarah Connor gasps and wakes up. Get it right. S.D.: Maybe the film's skipping... Tango: There's been a change in the Matrix! >In the city, MMK [announcer]: Respect is everything. >hardly anyone noticed. Tango: Not a creature was stirring, not even a New Zealand Boomer. Jonatan: What, the ones disguised as lesbian sheep? Rebecca: Maybe we'll get lucky and The Man and Rang will be in this. NeoVid: What about Random Dude? > >Three people stirred in the NeoVid: --Secret ingredient for the World Domination Potion. Tango: Hubble, bubble, toil and trouble... >blackened blast zone of the light. Tango: Well, I guess _they're_ stirring, but SI's aren't technically considered creatures. Vidstudent: Most SI's, that is. >The largest sat up and put a hand to his head, MMK [largest person]: Yup, still there. >inadvertently pushing the baseball cap off; Ranma X: No! There's only one baseball cap in the world, and he's disrespecting it! >it flopped to the scorched earth. Tango: It then flopped onto the Fallout and the Mad Max and the Battletruck. Rebecca: You watched Battletruck? Tango: I used to own one, but the mileage was a killer. >He groaned and looked at his NeoVid: --Shorts. MMK [largest person]: Damn. They've run off again. >watch. > >12:00 > >12:00 > >12:00 > >12:00 Rebecca: Behold, the man with four watches. (Everyone else oohs and aahs.) Ranma X: I thought he was looking at his VCR. Jonatan: The Twelve O'clock Flasher will _not_ appear in this fic. >"Shit," he muttered. Jonatan ['he']: How the hell did it get on my watch in the first place? > >"What the fuck?" Tango: Oh boy! Swearing! NeoVid: The &*#@! Rebecca: Stop that. (NeoVid grins.) >another muttered, getting to his knees and >shaking his head, Ranma X [the "another" person]: I *paid* for this shit? Jonatan [the "another" person]: Why did I have to be drawn into this fic? > his thick hair shedding NeoVid: We present... the true origin of Lex Luthor! >soot. > >"Ouch. Are we dead?" Vidstudent: Yes. Now go away. Tango: If the answer is "yes", you may put down your pencil and leave. S.D. [Jerry Garcia's ghost]: Hey, man! Maybe... *I*'m dead, and *you're* alive! a HAW HAW! >the third asked, feeling his own head >for a hat and not finding one. Jonatan [third person, sing-song]: I woke up tonight with a bad hangover, and my head was missing again... It's detachable... > "Shit. Lost my hat." Ranma X.: You can have the one the first guy didn't want. >The big one got to his feet and looked out Ranma X: His friend, however, was killed by a meteor because he didn't look out and notice in time. >over the city. >Then he shrugged dejectedly. "Only if Hell is a big city," said >MegaZone. S.D.: Hell is where your Heart is. Rebecca: Well, Los Angeles does count... >"I kinda doubt that," Gryphon told him. Ranma X: Since when can Roger Smith's car talk? Rebecca: Mmmm... Roger Smith.... Others: Shhh! >"Shall we check it out?" ReRob queried. MMK: Yay! rErOb! NeoVid [Cthulhu]: stOp stEAlIng mY gImmIck. >"Might as well," said Zoner, and they started walking down the >hill. Jonatan [narrator]: ...and went up a mountain. S.D. [narrator]: Or was it the other way around? >None of them noticed Bancroft Tower; none had looked back. Tango: It was deemed too |_||\|1337 for the $! |)00|)z. Vidstudent: Well, if they did look back... that's three more salty statues for the tourists... > > > >Eyrie Productions NeoVid: Stories so overdone, they're Eyrie! (MMK taps his foot as if to convey impatience.) NeoVid: I'll give it back, I swear. > >in association with > >Up Too Late Productions, DisInc. MMK: A subsidary of rEroB eNtErPrIsEs. NeoVid [Xox-xox]: thIs gImmIck Is stIll cOpyrIghtEd. > >presents Rebecca: For us? You shouldn't have. > >A Discordia Production Tango: Scientology is fun! If you're tired of religions that make even the slightest bit of sense, then Scientology is for you! NeoVid: Discordia? Ha, they can't claim half the Slack we do! Ranma X.: Mixing every drug induced religion and conspiracy, fnord, uh, I mean, NeoVid? > >Of A WaveDrag Film Jonatan: Special appearance by Tim Curry. >Hopelessly Lost Vidstudent: The Ryouga Hibiki life story... >(It's not Undocumented Features, really.) ALL: Suuure. S.D.: At this point, what on Eyrie *isn't* Undocumented Features? MMK: Ben's Ego. Rebecca: Yeah, that's pretty damn well documented. >Benjamin D. Hutchins MegaZone S.D.: Dialogue edited by Peter Fernandez. Rebecca: Continuity edited by Bob Budiansky. >Copyright (c) 1993 Benjamin D. Hutchins and MegaZone NeoVid: Nine years old; still immature. Jonatan [singing]: Ben Hutchins was ill, The Day the Earth Stood Still, But he told us where we stand... And Megazone was there In silver underwear, ReRob was the Invisible Man... > > >"Oh shit," ReRob said, hanging S.D.: ...by a moment. Rebecca: Looks like the lynch mob caught up with them. NeoVid [ReRob]: ...we forgot to include me in the credits. >around in front of the Mobil Tango [ReRob]: LOOK! It spins in a circle... whooooaaa... >and waiting for Gryphon to get out from buying his Ranma X: --usual fix. ReRob was suffering from withdrawal. >Pepsi (being dead Ranma X.: --isn't permanent enough. NeoVid: Someone with two capitals in his name can never die! MMK: News to me. (He ^_^s.) >is thirsty work). Tango: I died once, and I couldn't stop drinking either. Rebecca: Died, not dehydrated. Tango: I know what I'm saying. Rebecca: Hooo boy. This is going to be a long one. >"This is Worcester." NeoVid [ReRob]: I was so hoping for Miami... Ranma X.[ReRob, muttering]: ... be better than some backwater Boston suburb. Rebecca: Well don't you know? Worchester is the center of the universe. >"How lame," Zoner complained. Jonatan: That's "mobility-challenged"! Ranma X: We've said the same ever since you started writing. > "We walk into the jaws of doom Tango: Foolish mortal! None can survive the mighty jaws of Dr. Doom! His terror- inspiring mandibles are unstoppable! NeoVid: Doom rules with an iron fist! And an iron head! And iron knee... MMK: And the Kuriboh Shoe! Vidstudent [muttering]: As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death... >to save the entire universe, and wind up back in Worcester? I am most >pointedly not dead. MMK [singing]: Nothing... seems to kill me... no matter how hard I try... Jonatan: These guys aren't Gryphon and ReRob, they're Bill and Ted. Tango: EXCELLENT! (strums air-guitar) All [except Tango]: Bogus. >That pisses me off!" Rebecca: That pisses us off, too. NeoVid: Whoa. Jeff Jarrett flashback. >A motorcycle pulled up to the gas pumps. The rider got off, Rebecca: Should we really see him getting off? Tango: Can we take too much more of this intense dismounting action? I need a break. >pulled the cable out of the jack in the side of his head, (Ranma X. reaches up and makes a ripping noise as he pulls his hand away from his head.) Ranma X. [rider]: *Whoops*. Uh oh. NeoVid [rider]: All that money for the Playboy Channel implant, and it's still *&%#in' scrambled... >and walked toward the store, pulling off his gloves--wait a second. What was >that bit about the cable? Tango: About 12-odd years of going back in time to stop the post-apocalyptic future that created you, which if you did correctly means you wouldn't have been created, which means you wouldn't have stopped it, which means you would have been created, which means you would have stopped it, which means you wouldn't have- (The Theater's railguns unload several slugs at Tango. Oddly enough, all the slugs are rubber-tipped.) Tango: Ouchie. That was sorta painful. Boobies! Signus [over intercom]: Is this place just a magnet for freaks, or what? Mark [over intercom]: Your idea, if I recall correctly. Signus [over intercom]: Well, not *entirely*. > >"I think maybe there's a little more to this than we first >thought, Rob," Zoner said. ReRob began beating his head rhythmically >against the store, chanting ancient Latin. Jonatan: I know that ritual, Rob. It's not going to help. (A pause.) Jonathan: Unless you have an incredible yearning for lemon meringue. (MMK gets up and headbutts a wall, making a THUMP sound.) MMK [ReRob, chanting]: Pi-e Ie-su Do-mi-ne! (MMK headbutts the wall again, making the WHUMP.) MMK [ReRob, chanting]: Dona-e-is Re-qui-em! (MMK again slams his head into the wall, accompanied by the same WHUMP.) S.D.: ... (A pause. MMK continues to stand with his head against the wall.) MMK [ReRob, chanting]: Pi-e Ie-su-- Vidstudent: Okay, that's enough. >7 DECEMBER 1993 > >It was dark in the city of Worcester, dark and cold. Vidstudent: ...dark and cold and stormy. Rebecca: ...dark and cold and stormy and wet. MMK: ...dark and cold and stormy and wet and slippery. S.D.: ...dark and cold and stormy and wet and slippery and ugly. NeoVid: ...dark and cold and stormy and wet and slippery and ugly and boring. Tango: ...dark and cold and stormy and wet and slippery and ugly and boring and tasting vaguely of cheese. Ranma X: Bright and warm and sunny and beautiful, with little mice in feety pajamas prancing about and the oh, so cutest ponies and- (Ranma X. stops as he notices the sheer amount of weapons and tactical nukes aimed at him.) >Winter had the metropolis in an iron grip. Tango: When I think of the great dictators, I remember three names: Dr. Doom, Stalin, and Old Man Winter. Vidstudent: He was never the same after Stormwatch. > It was three in the morning; no one was out. NeoVid: Yeah, the nightlife is dead. Thanks for telling us, story. S.D.: Worchester isn't really Las Vegas. > The streets were deserted, Jonatan: Kobal was busy covering them with whipped cream and caramel bars. >the nightspots had closed an hour ago, Rebecca: They chased the last few people out of the coin-op laundry. >everyone was home, in bed, huddled against the cold, asleep. > >Well, almost everyone. Tango: The Mad Rapist was still hard at work. >The door to an apartment near the campus of Worcester >Polytechnic Institute opened and someone stepped out of it. NeoVid: Dude, you are like so out of it... >He was shortish, five foot seven or so, and rather stocky; Rebecca: In fact, he was practically spherical. MMK: If it's who I'm thinkin' of, he's actually a cube. Vidstudent: Hmmm... Five-foot seven or so... rather stocky... it's Gryphon, all right. S.D. [strip club announcer]: Five-eight and three hundred pounds of pure *man*, baby! Yowza! >he wore beat-up black and white hightops, black fatigue pants, and was >zipping up Jonatan [Gryphon]: Man, did I ever have to go. Hope the janitors don't find out that was me. a leather jacket as he emerged. He had on fingerless driving gloves and >a battered gray cap, and even though it was dark, he was wearing a >pair of iridium mirrorshades. Ranma X [Gryphon]: I hope I look cool, I can't see anything! [Ranma X hums the Mr. Magoo theme.] >Gryphon turned around NeoVid: *CRASH!* Jonatan [Gryphon]: Pardon, ma'am! Vidstudent: Maybe he can get a seeing-eye dog-- MMK (marking out): FURY! YAY FURY~! Vidstudent: --uh. >and closed the door to E7, then glanced >at his watch; Tango [watch]: ...12:00, 12:00, 12:00, 12:00... >he turned and crossed Institute Road, Rebecca: So the road is right in front of his apartment door? NeoVid [Gryphon]: Just gonna pop down to the laudry rooAAAAH! (Tango imitates a car horn.) MMK [Otto]: Asshooole! >heading for the vehicle that waited for him on the other side. MMK: Why did Gryphon cross the road? Vidstudent: Because he wanted to explain everything about his really cool vehicle on the other side. > This was not an ordinary motor vehicle; Tango: It was a Kung-Fu Creature on the rampage! Two! S.D.: But of c-- (S.D. gives Tango a look of confusion for a second.) S.D.: But of course! How could anything Gryphon owns be ordinary? MMK: You *don't* want to see his toothbrush. Vidstudent: Toothbrush? MMK: Just... don't. > it was a gleaming blue-green Chevrolet Camaro, Rebecca: Well. Whoopedy-do. Tango: They say that life begins in the back of a Camaro. Ranma X: I think that only applies in the South or New Jersey. >its windows blacked. Jonatan: Ol' Gryphon really digs this whole 'visual deprivation' thing, doesn't he? Vidstudent: ...'blacked'? Jonatan: 'African-Americaned'. >He unlocked and opened the door, NeoVid: Instead of ripping it off the hinges like usual. Vidstudent: No, that would be Doomsday. >sliding behind the wheel with the practiced ease of someone who is well- >versed in the use of his car. Ranma X: Which was amazing, seeing as this is the first time he's stolen it. MMK: Actually, ReRob had buttered the seat. >The door closed with a satisfying whomp MMK: *WHOMP, WHOMP, WHOMP!* Vidstudent: Watch out! Three-hundred pound Gryphon coming through! MMK: *WHOMP, WHOMP, WHOMP!* >and a hiss of air; Ranma X: The car, recognizing the occupant's loathsomeness, quickly sucked out all oxygen. Death was slow and painful. >he sat in the dark of the car for a moment before Ranma X: A pair of homing missiles blew him into small chunks. (Tango does the Sweet Tooth laugh.) >slipping the key into the lock. Ranma X: Someone please tell me they jury-rigged his car to explode? Rebecca (to Jonatan): He gets morbid a lot? Jonatan (to Rebecca, nodding): You should see him during Halloween... > Immediately the dash lighted up, running all of its checks NeoVid: Except the ones that bounced. MMK [Mai]: BOINGY! BOINGY! BOINGY! S.D.: Stop that. >(all bar graphs sweep from off to full and back, all needles to top >and back down, all eq lights and volume graph to full and down, single >sweep on the radar display, et cetera); All: INTENSE. DASHBOARD. ACTION. > the form-fitting seat (MMK makes the coke-bottle shape with his hands and wolf-whistles.) >and ergonomically designed controls were bathed in a soft blue light. Jonatan: Then it all died down, as all the added bells and whistles sucked the battery dry. NeoVid [Gryphon]: Aw, does this mean I'll have to push it again? >He fastened his five-point harness, Ranma X.: The points punctured each of his kidneys, each of his lungs, and his spine. S.D.: Why did I suddenly imagine a star-shaped seatbelt? Jonatan: Because you want to see Ben suspended under a pentagram. >then took the lead from the headrest Vidstudent: And held it for five holes before the headrest overtook him again. NeoVid: He ended up third for the day, behind the headrest and the keys. >beside him and jacked it into his shades. Then he turned the key. Rebecca: Nothing happened. Tango: Tune in next week when Gryphon combs his hair! And there might even be some fanservice! >A flash of red light hit his right eye, S.D.: --blinding him. MMK: He was later known as Long John Gryphon. >not damaging his night vision, as the computer checked his retinal pattern >against those registered in its archive as authorized operators; Jonatan: Gryph, you really should work out those paranoia issues you have... Tango [Gryphon]: There's nothing wrong with me! Everyone wants to steal my cool stuff! They can't have my cool stuff! No one can! > the pattern checked positive Ranma X [Gryphon]: I'm PREGNANT? >as primary operator. Full authorization start-up mode was >engaged. Vidstudent: If this is what he has to go through to start the thing, I don't want to know what he has to do to get it into gear. >The engine, a Mark Three fusion turbine, Jonatan: Mark One was recalled when it turned out cardboard wasn't a viable material for shielding. S.D.: And Mark Two was cancelled outright as the technical department couldn't implement "then, miracle appears" in the prototype. Ranma X [deep announcer voice]: The Mark Three fusion turbine: A Mark Five Production. >There was a knock at the passenger window; MMK [Gryphon]: What?! But I'm driving at a hundred miles per hour! Vidstudent [Zoner]: No, Gryphon. You haven't even gone out of parking. MMK [Gryphon]: Sure I have! (makes exaggerated engine noises) Vroom! Vroom! >Gryphon's head swung to look. Tango [Gryphon]: Just as I suspected, it's some big fat hermaphrodite with a flock of seagulls haircut and only one nostril. MMK [Gryphon]: Oh man, I hate it when I'm right. [There's a *DING!* sound from somewhere.] >It was Zoner. S.D. [Gryphon]: Damn it. He tabbed the power locks; Rebecca [Zoner]: This one's "Bills," that one's "Documents," and that one... eh, we'll make it "Fanfics." >the passenger door unlocked with a clunk and >Zoner opened it up, sticking his head inside. Ranma X: ...why did I suddenly get an image of a guy wearing a turkey on his head? Jonatan: "Friends" reruns. Ranma X: Ah. NeoVid: Or maybe the show that scene was stolen from, Mr. Bean. Tango: Oh yeah. Mr. Bean! The Musical Fruit! >"Where you headed?" Zoner asked. MMK [singing]: Where do you think you're going? Don't you know it's dark outside... >"Out," Gryphon replied. "Dunno where." MMK [switching songs]: I don't know where I'm going... but I sure know where I've been... >"Mind if I join you?" S.D. [Zoner]: You know I can't live without you. Jonatan [Gryphon]: Lookout Point? S.D. [Zoner]: Lookout Point. (grins) >"Not at all." > >"Cool." Zoner threw his bag in back, got in and shut his NeoVid: --Mouth. Rebecca: Yeah, *that*'ll happen in our lifetimes. >door; Gryphon put the car in gear and pulled away from the curb. >Undocumented Features was playing, ironically enough. NeoVid: So ironic, it's almost-- MMK: I can see where you're going with this, you know. NeoVid: Uhm. > That was an odd experience. S.D.: Tingly, though. >Life was shit, but for now, that could be held at bay. Tango [Gryphon]: But after I hold the shit at bay, no one wants to play with me! NeoVid [Zoner]: Maybe if you washed your hands afterward... Tango [Gryphon]: ...Nah. > >They cruised in what would have been silence if not for the >music for some time. Ranma X: In other words, not silence. >The sky was thickening, the dark of the night >becoming impenetrable; Jonatan: Okay, what's Kage Houshi doing on the set? S.D.: It's actually Lucita hiding out from Sashca Vycos. >the headlights of the car were having a problem >cutting through the darkness. (All gasp.) MMK: You mean... Ben admits there's something his car... Jonatan: His amazing sooper-dooper "proper" car. NoeVid: You forget "civilized". [Hey, look! Vidders merged with a Korean martial artist!] MMK: ...can't do? Ranma X.: I'm scared. (to Rebecca) Hold me. (grinning lewdly) (Rebecca hits him with a cybernetic backhand.) >Gryphon shrugged, switched on his night >vision systems, and turned them off; the view of the outside world >turned red inside his shades. MMK: Oh. Guess he didn't. S.D.: Well, no, he did. It's just that he can compensate. Tango: With his |33+ /\/\@|> $|headlights--ah! Rebecca: On switch! Vidstudent [Gryphon]: Batteries to power! Turbines to speed! NeoVid: Form feet and legs! > Clear as day. Gotta love those 100,000-watt IR >lamps. Ranma X: Okay, now I've gotta know how large a battery that car's carrying... Jonatan: Ben discreetly didn't mention that the car is pulling a trailer-sized nuclear power plant with it. Vidstudent: It's actually kept on top of the car, with a glass case like the Popemobile. Tango [singing]: With those 40,000 watts of dolby power... > Just as long as nobody looks right at them with a passive IR >sensor...ouch! MMK: Lost in his internal monologue and infrared vision, Gryphon plows straight into an elm tree. >"I hate it when you do that," Zoner said. Rebecca: Describe every last thing in pointless detail? Tango: Don't we all? >"Why?" Ranma X [annoying singing]: Because we hate you. >"I can't see anything." S.D.: You're lucky. We have to see this fic. >"Oh, sorry." Gryphon tabbed on the windshield IR filter. >"Since I got the shades, I tend to forget that." > >"Yeah, you've got all the cheater toys...too bad you're NeoVid [Zoner]: Spending all your time describing them instead of doing something cool with 'em. >not rigged." > >"I can still take you on, wirehead." > >"Try me anytime, nature boy." NeoVid: Special guest star: Vince McMahon as Zoner! MMK [Ric Flair]: WHOO! > >"I can't very well do that if your car's dead again." S.D.: Who's talking, anyway? Ranma X [KITT]: Michael, we're lost. >"It's not dead! Vidstudent [Zoner]: It's getting better! Tango [Gryphon]: No it's not, it'll be stone dead in a moment. >I'm having some work done to it." > >"Why, so you can keep up with my car?" NeoVid [Zoner]: No, that's why I got the fusion-powered legs. > >"I still can't believe you bought this thing." Zoner shook >his head. His Daytona was nice, yes, and modified up the ass-- Jonatan: ...now, that's not really a place you want your car attached. >but >this car had matched or exceeded most of its modified capabilities >from the factory, and that annoyed him greatly. Vidstudent [Zoner]: Am I the only person who *understands* the word 'capabilities'? Huh? > started up with the >dull, almost internal-combustion rumble of its type, sucking air in >through the twin ramscoops on the hood. NeoVid: I'm just wondering if Hutchins tries to make people's heads melt from detail overload... Rebecca: This? This is nothing. You should see his character read a book. Vidstudent: He can make "See Spot Run" last for five hours... MMK: Six, tops. >The Camaro was what Gryphon referred to as a "proper" car, Tango: It had four wheels, an engine and a funny musical horn. Rebecca: Never mention that horn again. Tango: I think the Acid Remix of Greenseleves is a perfect tune for a horn. >with the engine in front "where it >belonged" and the power going to the rear wheels "like a civilized >machine" Jonatan [Gryphon's car]: Take that, you wooden-wheeled barbarians! NeoVid [Gryphon]: Pip *pip*! Jolly good. >(although it could be directed to the front as well), and >analog gauges (although the technophile in him accepted the bar graph >backups). MMK: One important question: Does the darn thing even run? Jonatan: ...backup gauges? Does he have a window left to see out of? > >Gryphon smiled; he loved this car. Ranma X. [flatly]: No, we couldn't tell. Rebecca: He was still trying to get the stains out of the seat from last time he loved it. > The arms race was out of control. Rebecca: Great. God-boys playing one-upmanship. Tango [Gryphon]: Well I'm sleeping with Kei, Vision, Cammy, Skuld and Asuka. Ranma X [Zoner]: Yeah... well, me too! >"What can I say, I'm a nut... Rebecca: Sometimes he feels like a nut. But sometimes he doesn't. >it could be worse, it could be J. B. Gibson's car..." S.D.: It could be KITT with a hangover. Ranma X [hungover KITT]: Michael? Can we slow down? My pistons are throbbing and I'm gonna hurl transmission fluid any second now. Tango: Monkeys drive cars now? Evolution is crumbling around us! Vidstudent: No, that's a gibbon. Tango: Oh. NeoVid: Then it must be the French guy with funny hair from JoJo's Bizzare Adventure-- Vidstudent: No, that's J. P. Polnareff. NeoVid: What, really? MMK: Then it must be the former star reporter of This Hour Has 22 Minutes! Vidstudent: No, that's... (Vidstudent trails off. MMK looks at him expectantly. Vidstudent shrugs his shoulders.) MMK: ...J. B. Dickson. Vidstudent: Oh. MMK: Well, thanks. That fell apart real nicely. Tango: I blame violence in music. >"Goddess... Jonatan: That's 'megami-sama'! >Christine with armor. That'd be something." Jonatan: There are ten rules that, if followed correctly, ensures that you'll live a long and healthy life. Rule #3 is "don't diss any bloodthirsty cars". MMK: #7, FYI, is "Keep away from undead chickens." > >"And when the odometer hits zero--you die. Nice car." > >A flash NeoVid [singing]: Aaah! Savior of the Universe! >of lightning split the sky above them and thunder >roared over the music and the car's soundproofing. Vidstudent [singing]: Thunder moving under the mountain / thunder in his dreams... >"Whoa!" Zoner observed, Jonatan: Nice to see Keanu Reeves is still getting roles. Still a wanker, though. NeoVid: Have you tried our special Keanu-wich? It's a dense slab of meat... but no matter what roll we put it in, it always has the same flavor. >looking up through the semi-transparent roof. Tango: That's one of the benefits of having the frame made out of Tupperware. >"Check that out. Lightning in December?" S.D. [Lewis Black]: And on the fifth day, there was snow and lightning... TOGETHER! >"And no rain, either. This is weird." It happened again. >And again. The sky was starting up a war with itself. NeoVid [Karate Bastard]: You see, when I was a little kid, I killed my dad. And I swore that I would not stop fighting until I kicked my ass. And I'm not going to let anyone... ANYONE! ...get in my way! >"Go up to Bancroft." Ranma X: Anne Bancroft. >"Why?" Ranma X [Zoner]: I liked her in the Graduate, okay? >"Just do it." (Jonatan and Rebecca look expectantly at MMK.) MMK [Duckman]: ...the hell are *you* starin' at? >"Oookaaay..." > >The epicenter of the lightning phenomenon was right over >Bancroft Tower. None of the energy was hitting the ground; it was all >striking clouds and wracking the sky, NeoVid: Which is physically impossible, but hey! It's a Hutchins world after all. >lightning bolts crashing against each other Ranma X: There's a five-bolt pileup on Bancroft. Adjust your route accordingly. >as though Zeus and Leir were fighting it out once and for >all. MMK: With Thor and Captain America on the sidelines. Vidstudent: And who is Leir? Tango: And why isn't he wearing pants? >And the nexus of it all was above Bancroft. NeoVid: And now he's repeating himself. This story will never end. > >"See? Did I tell you there was something about the Tower?" Ranma X: No shit! What clued you in? Rebecca [Gryphon]: Yeah, something about it... like the *lightning rod*. Jonatan: Kamui and Fuuma duking it out might've been a clue. >"Weeeeird," was all Ben had to say. He slipped down his >shades, turned off the IR, and just watched. The darkness was even >thicker; Jonatan [Darkness]: Duuh, Amway good. >all they could see was the Tower, illuminated NeoVid: So the tower is part of the Conspiracy? >by the warring thunderbolts. Rebecca: Which, thanks to Harmony Gold, we don't get to see. Tango: Can we see the Japanese Thunderbolt instead? Rebecca: That would be nice. >Even the lights that normally shone on the Tower were >muted. S.D.: Shine on, you crazy tower. Tango: The lights! They're not talking! WHY!? >The blanket of light that was the city was invisible, as >though the entire city of Worcester had up and moved since they >ascended the hill. MMK: Even the city doesn't like to be with these guys. >"I think we should get out of here, man," said Gryphon. He >sounded quite nervous. NeoVid [Gryphon]: It's game over, man, game over! > >"Yeah..." Zoner muttered. "Yeah, I think you're right. >Whatever this is, I don't like it. Vidstudent [Zoner]: It doesn't seem to have anything to do with us... I don't like it. Jonatan [Zoner]: Even though it was my idea to come up here in the first place and all. >Let's go." > >"For once you agree with me." Gryphon put the car in gear and >turned the IR back on, Jonatan: So they like our MSTings? Rebecca: *We're* better. Vidstudent: I beg to differ, but *we've* been churning out quality before you - (Several railgun rubber slugs pepper Tango.) Signus [over intercom]: Stop the Fourth Wall breakage. Now. Tango: ...Why me? Ow. >pushing up his shades. As the car started to >move, lightning started striking around it. For some reason, the >electronics were unaffected; except, of course, for the fact that the >radar was going mad. MMK [radar]: I'm a God! A GOD, I SAY! NeoVid [radar]: They call me mad... I'll show them! I'll show them all! AHAAAHAAHAA... Ranma X [singing]: o/~It's a maniac, maniac, on the board! And it's flashing ike it's never flashed before!o/~ >"I don't liiiike thiiiis," Gryphon muttered, slewing the >vehicle expertly around the corner. (Jonatan takes out a violin and starts playing.) >The car shot out of the >conflagration--except that one bolt shot out and struck it unerringly >in the roof. The vehicle was engulfed in light-- and suddenly, Vidstudent: ...he found himself making for a head-on collision with the local movie theater that was there now and not a few moments/years ago. >they were streaking (All cover their eyes.) Vidstudent: I did not need to see that. >right for the Tower, back the way they came, NeoVid [Gryphon]: Oh, wait! Heh! I have it in reverse! >right into the wall of thunderbolts. Jonatan [in tune with the music]: o/~ Thunderstruck! o/~ (Puts the violin away.) >"AAAAAAAAAAAAA--*" NeoVid [Zoner]: Tarzan's here to save us! > >The sudden storm vanished with all the abruptness with which >it had arrived. All was once again normal at Bancroft Tower, Ranma X [hopeful]: Are the SIs gone? >after one brilliant flash and a thunderclap that shattered windows for a >block and a half. Gryphon, MegaZone, and the vehicle that had carried >them were gone. (Loud cheers.) > All that remained was a large black spot on the >pavement in front of Bancroft Tower. Rebecca: And a pair of smoking boots. There's always smoking boots. Tango: What about the teddy bear? Rebecca: That, too. Tango: And a crying Indian? Rebecca: No. >"*--AAAAAAAaaahuh?!" Ranma X: Damn. >The Camaro plunged out of the lightstorm into another street. >It was yet night. But... Tango: ...for some strange reason, the sun was out. NeoVid: Uh oh. Time to start making sacrifices to the angry hopping gods of Whaa-luud. >"Where's Bancroft Tower? Where the hell are we?" Zoner >demanded. Vidstudent: In the Village. >"Dunno. The nav comp is going berserk. Rebecca [nav computer]: I'll kill you! Kill you all! RAAH! >According to it, >we're--gk? What the fuck! We are not in Tokyo!" Ranma X [Gryphon]: It has to be Neo-Tokyo! It has to be! Rebecca [Zoner]: What about Mega Tokyo? Ranma X [Gryphon]: ... Rebecca [Zoner]: Or Little Tokyo? Ranma X [Gryphon]: Okay, okay. >Gryphon tapped the nav comp's face with a fingertip. Tango [comp]: OW! Quit it! >It remained true to its claim. NeoVid [nav comp]: I am the one and true King of England! MMK [narrating]: Then it exploded. >"According to this, this city's layout as relayed by the navsats is >close enough to error tolerances to be Tokyo. S.D. [Gryphon]: Give or take ten buildings or so... >There are major discrepancies, but according to the computer, >they can be put down to outdated local software. Rrrrr..." NeoVid [Zoner]: For instance, there's a large discrepancy in the shape of the Tokyo Tower... it looks like it has a bulge on the side. Rebecca [Gryphon]: Is it shaped like an ape, a moth, a lizard or a robot? Vidstudent: I should be surprised that their nifty gadgets still work even in an alternate dimension, but somehow I'm not. >"Gryphon, what the hell is going on? We didn't jump >dimensions AGAIN did we?" Jonatan [Zoner]: Why do we go through this every week?! Vidstudent: Ah. So that's why hardware compatibility's no longer an issue. Tango: This is the one where Gryphon has a goatee, Zoner has a scar and rErOb is gay. Rebecca: And q is, like, q. S.D.: It's all Edison's fault, I tell you. (A pause.) NeoVid: I *knew* something was off about ReRob. Vidstudent: Ah, shaddap. >"I wish I knew." They cruised easily into a side street; the >car didn't seem to be damaged at all. Ranma X: So when it exploded and killed them both, it was a total surprise. >And there was no doubt that >this city was much more active at night than Worcester was. Ranma X: A morgue is more active than Worcester. Rebecca [Gryphon]: Dude! Look! The laundromat's *open*! >Also dirtier, larger-seeming, more crowded, and populated by very strange >vehicles. MMK: Oh. They're in Florida. Vidstudent: Specifically? MMK: Disneyland. >And all the signs were in that strange amalgam of Japanese >and English so common in urban Japan. Tango: Hey look! There's Violence Jack Off! >It did indeed appear to be Tokyo. MMK: The giant pink teddybear storming the outskirts of the city was the big tipoff. >"How the fuck did we wind up in Tokyo?" NeoVid: By ways of the Tokyo underpass. Jonatan [Zippy]: OVER the underpass! UNDER the overpass! Around the future and BEYOND REPAIR! >"Dunno. Bancroft Tower teleported us? Welcome to The Final >Countdown, Part II. Vidstudent: ...did he just manage to combine two rock songs? Tango: That'd be great for a Gonzaga/Arizona matchup. (All stare.) Tango: C'mon, wouldn't it? >I'm beginning to see this as a surreal day..." > >"And why doesn't this look like Tokyo? This place is >too...too..." Jonatan: This place is quaint... too quaint. >"Too futuristic." S.D. [Zoner]: Something tells me we're not in Kansas anymore... Tango: It could be "Bubblegum Crisis" or "The Fifth Element" or the opening to "Lost in Space" or "Dark Minds"... >"Yeah. And these cars are very strange." Tango: They're like something out of 80's sci-fi. Rebecca: And remember, this is from the guy with a near god-like Camaro. MMK: Well, to him, plebian cars that actually have windshields you can see out of *would* seem strange. Rebecca: Good point. MMK: Especially if you can't see through the roof. >Zoner took a small plastic case out of his jacket pocket, NeoVid [Gryphon]: Mints! MMK [Zoner]: No, you idiot. Condoms. >selected a triangular silicon chip from among its contents, and slotted it >into his chipjack. NeoVid: Why he had it installed inside the front of his shorts is his secret. >"Well, at least I can ask for directions now...what're you gonna do, >without any chrome?" Ranma X: Use plastic instead. >"I suppose I'll have to rely on my natural fluency in the >language...what do you think I did all summer, work or something?" NeoVid: Since when do insanely powerful SIs have to work? Jonatan: One word -- Multitasking. >"Argh." Tango: I agree. >"Wulp, what can I say? I got bored." Jonatan: 'Wulp'? (A beat.) Tango: WULP! >"Tell me you at least used 'trodes." Vidstudent: No, he used 'tionaries. > >"Nope. Hypnopaedia and retention drugs. All-natural." > >"Oh, yeah, retention drugs, real natural." Rebecca: He doesn't need drugs to be retentive. >"More natural than running wires through my head..." > >"Think we oughtta ask where we are? MMK [Gryphon]: What? And have other people in the story? >I mean, after all, if this is Tokyo, NeoVid [Zoner]: --I'm going to have to start writing in Engrish. >we've gotta figure out some way to get back." > >"Truth. Ok, fine. You've got the almighty Chip...you ask." MMK [Zoner]: But you've got the almighty Dale! You should do it! > >Gryphon sighted a slot in traffic and pulled to the curb. It annoyed All: Yes, it did. > >Gryphon that they were on the left. Wait a second-- > >"Zoner, something else is wrong here. They're driving on the >left. The Japanese drive on the right!" Ranma X: No, they don't! S.D.: Psst... Ranma! Flipped manga translations! Ranma X: Oh. MMK [Gryphon]: One crazy driver? There's hundreds of them! EVERYONE'S WRONG BUT ME! >"They do in 1993, in the dimension we were just in." > >"You mean you think--" Rebecca: That remains to be proven... >"I'm almost certain of it. Look around, doesn't this city >look at all familiar to you?" Tango [Zoner]: This is the city... that killed my father. NeoVid [Zoner]: Tokyo... you killed my father. Now you must die. >"Yeah...it looks like a big, dirty, decaying city. Like Los >Angeles in Blade Runner, or New York anytime, or Gotham--" Tango: Or The Big City in "Samurai Jack" or "Dominion" or "Kazei 5" or Empire City in "Need for Speed 3" or... Rebecca: Wow. They must have walked into the one grungy part of MegaTokyo. S.D.: It's probably just City Hall... >"Or MegaTokyo?" NeoVid [Piro]: I see that the old RAID controller got 'the screwdriver'. Jonatan [Largo]: It was not l33t. It deserved de4th. Ranma X: Let's hope we don't have to see Gryphon's l33t n3kk1d sk1llz. (All shudder.) >"Oh no...recursion alert, recursion alert--MegaZone, what tape >are we listening to?" Jonatan: 'Learn obnoxious tech-filled SI-writing in your sleep'? MMK [Zoner]: Huh. Queen. >"I know...spooky, isn't it? But we've proof that >transfictional universes exist, right? Vidstudent: No, just circumstantial evidence. Rebecca: More like a dysfunctional universe. >Roll with it," Zoner rolled down his window and hailed NeoVid [Zoner]: HAIL! >a passing pedestrian in Japanese. The pedestrian responded >in Japanese--roll SAN Tango: Hey! Confusing interjections are my job! ...Pineapple! Ranma X: Roll SAN to soak, difficulty 5. >--and, confused, Jonatan: --started running around attacking people at random. >told MegaZone Tango [Sterotypical Japanese]: Yankee go home! >that he was indeed in MegaTokyo and yes, it was 2032, Rebecca: So it's not freaky Sylia-played-by-Ifurita-and-Priss'-hardsuit-by-EVA- 01 BGC. Thank god. S.D.: Don't forget the lesbians. Rebecca: It's BGC. Everyone's a lesbian. Ranma X: Including Daley? Rebecca: Including Daley. NeoVid: Hey, think it's going to crossover with Bubblegum Trek? >February 14, to be exact--why did he ask such a silly question? S.D. [pedestrian]: I mean, damn! If you can't speak the language, don't come to Japan! >Ben's forehead hit the steering wheel with an audible wumph. Tango: WULP! NeoVid: All the tech on that car and no airbag, huh? MMK: He had to take it out to make room for the Gamecube! NeoVid [Gryphon]: I actually drive the car by playing Simpsons Road Rage! >Zoner thanked the confused pedestrian for his help and rolled the >window back up. Not wishing to make a scene, Vidstudent: -But making an unbelievably long-winded, boring one anyway... >Gryphon pulled back into traffic. They drove a while in silence. Ranma X: Except for the music, I suppose. >Finally, Gryphon broke that silence, saying, "Ok...we were hit >by lightning. Rebecca: Good. >I'm unconscious right now, slumped over the steering >wheel of the mangled, twisted mass of metal that was once my car, >piled into those concrete things by Bancroft. Rebecca: Getting better... >Either I'll come to in >a hospital and everything will be fine, or I'll die soon from lack of >blood or exposure or internal injuries or something stupid like that. Rebecca: Excellent. S.D.: Well, I know which choice I'd prefer for these two... Jonatan: I'd call it a win-win situation. MMK: What he left out is that they're holding the Twisted Metal tournament in his head. >Either way, this is not happening. You are one with the dashboard, Jonatan: Cool. Zen driving. NeoVid: No, Zen driving is when you drive blindfolded. "If you see Buddha in the road, run him over." >should've worn your seat belt, deal with it later--" Tango [Ultra Magnus]: I can't deal with that right now! >"Dude, dude, MMK: DUDE! It's like... dude! >you're losing it. Calm down. This is weird, but >we can handle it. Besides, I always wear my seat belt." Rebecca [Zoner]: It really helps keeping my garters in place. >"Oh, well, aren't we taking this sudden inversion of the >universe well." NeoVid: Wimp. You get used to them after a while. >"It isn't any weirder than ending up in a universe we >created," MegaZone offered. Rebecca: This one isn't just going to be talking colors and giant purple bunny men, Zoner. Tango: Sounds like home! >"That's supposed to make me feel better? I'm several thousand >miles and forty years from home, MMK [Gryphon]: --And my enemies, and my bills... all RIGHT! Party time! >as well as, probably, a couple of dozen parallel dimensions-- NeoVid [Ford Prefect]: Don't panic, Arthur! >unless I'm in a coma someplace dreaming all >of this. Wonder what Death Level I'm at...?" Jonatan: Let's just say that each second wasted yakking away is slimming your already slim chances of getting onto the Greyhound Bus drop by drop. >"And I'm dreaming it with you? Not likely. I mean, I know >you receive me well, but--" (S.D. breaks into giggles.) Jonatan: Gryphon receives Zoner well? Ranma X: Somehow, that's an image I didn't need... NeoVid: That one's so homoerotic... MMK: ...not that there's anything wrong with that. NeoVid: I *knew* something was off about ReRob. >"You're just something my neurons are firing at me to keep my >guard up. Rebecca: I know I'd be wary if someone fired Zoners at me. > Stress personified by my tattered mind into something I can >talk to." Tango: Not to mention, he shines your shoes, lowers your blood pressure and whitens your teeth while you sleep. Jonatan: Fully automated, double action, Swiss-army MegaZone. 100% recyclable. Available for only twelve simple monthly payments of $39.99. MMK: Batteries not included. May cause eyestrain, bloody-minded homicidal mania, and rapidly decreased drug stashes. If symptoms persist, insult the doctor. >"If this was a dream we'd be under the ocean [Rebecca snickers.] Rebecca: Zoner dreams of being in the Little Mermaid. >or on the moon or something by now. Ranma X: I would love to see them trying to say "Air!" for the seconds until their heads explode... >You know dreams can't stay constant. Stop trying to deny it. Jonatan [singing]: I'm gonna hit you-- Tango [singing]: Yeah, just try it! Vidstudent [singing]: Will both of you be quiet, 'cause we're driving in the car! You know as well as I that we have indeed jumped into a >new dimension. Now, how long until we run into a Vaughn?" S.D.: ...hey! Vaughn! Vaughn was cool. MMK: But not as cool as FURY~! (S.D. grumbles.) > >"Dreams can remain constant. Tango [Cyclops]: Dreams don't die! Rebecca: Grant Morrison ON! (hits Tango) Tango [Cyclops]: Fry piggie! Rebecca: Grant Morrison OFF! (hits Tango) Tango [Cyclops]: Dreams don't die! Rebecca: Grant Morrison ON! (hits Tango) Tango [Cyclops]: Fry piggie! Rebecca: Grant Morrison OFF! (hits Tango) >Some of the ones I've had about the UF universe have. Ranma X: Gee. *Go figure*. >Just like real life...or at least, I suppose so... Rebecca [Zoner]: It's hard to tell, with my three-bowls-a-day habit... >constant right through to the end, though. No weird background >shifts, characters changing persona, streets laid out differently, >rooms changing place on me--rock solid reality, MMK: Boooooo-ring. (Others nod.) >till I woke up. Tango [Zoner]: That's when the penguin landlords come and stuff ferrets up my nose. >This is one of those. Besides, how do you know what a coma dream is like? >Shut up, you're not even here." S.D.: ...who's talking? >"I'm just telling you what I think. This is real. Tango [Singing]: Is it real? Is it real? Rebecca [Singing]: Dark machines that and breath and wheeze and mock the air... appall me. Tango [Singing]: What is real? What is real? NeoVid: I do not think that this is real... I must speak in code or he will find me... >Somehow I don't think a floating persona in a dream would be trying to convince >you the dream was real. Vidstudent [Zoner]: Or... WOULD IT? MMK [Gryphon]: Stop screwing with my head! >Besides, UF turned out to be all too real. Rebecca: Oh sure, if you count the private knuckle-shuffle fantasies of college students as real. >So why not this? If we can create a universe by writing, why not >others?" > >"You never know...maybe my subconscious is trying to get me Jonatan [Gryphon]: To join Amway! Ranma X: And when he's conscious, I'm trying to get him... >back for all the times I've disappointed it by waking back up to >reality." Tango: Reality sucks. NeoVid: Yeah, who needs it? >"Well, be that as it may, we're here for the time being >anyway. We have to find someplace to sleep. Rebecca: Crash at Sylia's. It's what everyone else does. >We're not gonna find anything around here. Try and get on a >highway or something." S.D.: And hopefully, get run over by a truck? >"Yes, master." Gryphon Vidstudent: --crossed his arms in front of him and blinked twice. Jonatan [Gryphon as Riff Raff]: You've arrived on a very special night. It's one of the master's affairs... >selected the next right-turn lane and >within moments was on one of those ubiquitous gently curving >multilayer expressway-type things that are all over MegaTokyo. Tango: It's a little known fact, but MegaTokyo consists of nothing but said freeways. >The road was empty, except for them, it seemed. Rebecca: And a Dodge Viper that was doing something illegal to a red Porsche. Jonatan: So it's not actually empty now, is it? >A light appeared in the rear view mirror some minutes later, >beginning to gain; Gryphon was seized by that familiar "someone's >behind me" anxiety. S.D.: Zoner's sneaking up on him, but that's not a knife in his hand... >He kept glancing back at it--he was using the >regular lights now, not knowing MegaTokyo's policy on special >nightvision gear in civilian vehicles. NeoVid [Gryphon]: I'm not using it until I know it's illegal! >It was growing, a single point >of white light...either a car with one light out--not likely--or a >motorcycle. MMK: Or a really, really fast guy with a torch. >"Maybe it isn't the MegaTokyo we think it is," Zoner said. >"Could be there's nothing special about it at all, just forty more >years of technology and--" Tango: An overabundance of giant green radioactive reptiles! Jonatan: The whole place being ruled by damned dirty damned apes! S.D.: Persocons. Lots and lots of those damned cute things. MMK: Puchus have successfully occupied the city. I mean, they are sort of cute too, but WHAT THE HELL IS IT? >The motorcycle passed them. Low-slung, red, fast fast fast, NeoVid: Kaneda? Tango: TETSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Rebecca: KANEDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Tango: TETSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Rebecca: KANEDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Tango: TETSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Rebecca: KANEDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Ranma X: SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUP! >carrying a clearly female rider in red leathers and helmet, brown hair >flying in the slipstream. Unmistakable. Rebecca: Of course. Ben has been there how many minutes before they run into the protagonists? Jonatan: ...make that formerly protagonists. Rebecca: Ah, yes, the SI effect. >Ben slapped a hand to his forehead. Zoner's voice trailed off >into nothing and he went silent for a moment before adding, Ranma X [Zoner]: You know what they call a quarter-pounder in France? >"--never mind." > >MegaTokyo 2032 Tango (singing): In the yeeeaaaar twooooo thouuuuu-saaaaaaand... >The Story of Knight Sabers > >BUBBLEGUM CRISIS > >"I don't believe I just saw that." MMK: What, the story title? Ranma X: No, that I just don't *want* to believe. >"Well, don't just coast here-- catch her!" > >"What for? Rebecca: She's the only anime woman he hasn't done yet. He's falling behind! NeoVid: Gotta do 'em all! (Ranma X hums the pokemon jingle... until he's silence by railguns, large guns, large scissors, a tactical nuke, and a large Pikachu stufftoy all aimed at him.) Tango (waving the Pikachu menacingly): Raaar! >Introduce ourselves? Get blown off because she >thinks we're just a couplea fanboys trying to hit on her? S.D.: They're in denial, aren't they? >Oh, fun fun fun." NeoVid: Since when is getting blown not fun? > >"Oh come on! You're telling me you don't want to meet Priss?" > >"I don't want to chase her down on the goddamn highway! Live >action Car Wars--what a great way to meet women. Jonatan: Don't knock it 'til you've tried it. Tango: It's fun for the whole family. Rebecca: I used to have the ultimate Car Wars team. It was two guys in a yellow mini. Mr. Bean was the driver, and Black Adder the gunner. (Sighs) Those were the days. NeoVid: The American Autoduel Association: It's like computer dating. We always find someone to take you out. >Maybe we'll get S.D. [Gryphon]: A clue or two. >arrested and meet Nene and Leon too," Gryphon said sardonically. Rebecca: It'd be a laugh. >Nevertheless, he was accelerating. The road predator in him wouldn't >allow him to be taken by a bike, no matter how cool the rider--Kaneda >excepted, possibly, out of a combined bike/rider cool-factor. Rebecca: What about Thrust? He's his own bike and he plays a mean sax. NeoVid: Thrust plays the sax? Rebecca: He's been wailin' the blues since the day he popped off the assembly line. >The tach began to rise; it was nearing the 12,000-rpm redline MMK [Howling Mad Murphy]: Yo, hey. [Whistles] Bro. Tango [Ted from accounting]: Uh yeah, my name is uh, Ted. From accounting. MMK [Murphy]: Well then you should know how to launch the ten gigawatt emergency radio beacon. Tango [Ted]: Ah no, not really, sir. I'm Ted. Accounting... MMK [Murphy]: And I've heard great things, Kevin. Now less lip, and more launch. Tango [Ted]: All right, okay. (Pushes a button) You're the boss. (Tango [Ted] presses an imaginary button.) Ted: The beacon is on the surface, sir. Are we cool here? MMK [Murphy]: Full power. Juice that baby all the way up, Cedric. Tango [Ted]: Well it's in the red now, sir. (Laughs hesitantly) You know what I'm... (Laughs) It's in the red; I'm from accounting... (MMK [Murphy] laughs.) Tango [Ted]: [Laughs] Yeah... (Pause.) MMK [Murphy]: Ah, no. No I don't. >when Gryphon threw the car into sixth. Tango: It's the bottom of the sixth, and Gryphon's just thrown it. >(The manual magnetohydrodynamic fluid transmission in the 1993 >Chevrolet Camaro Z/28 Interceptor has eight forward gears, only five >of which can support legal highway speeds in its native reality. Here >in MegaTokyo? Four.) Vidstudent: Did we need to know this? Rebecca: No. Vidstudent: Didn't think so. NeoVid: Did it sound like Hutchins really knew it? MMK (narrating): This will all be on the test Thursday, so you really should be taking notes. >Gryphon's mouth twitched into a near-smile as he flipped a >different tape into the tape deck, and before long, the car was filled Jonatan: With large and angry men. Tango: In kilts? >with the sounds of stomping feet and clapping hands, NeoVid: Huh, Jon was right. Jonatan: Haven't you realized yet that I know everything? > and the late great Freddie Mercury's inimitable voice. > >Buddy you're a boy make a big noise playing in the street gonna be a >big man someday / You got mud on your face, you big disgrace, kickin' >your can all over the place / Singin' we will, we will rock you! Tango: Tournament time! Pass the nachos! MMK: Sure thing. NeoVid [Gryphon]: Hey, how long has my Beethoven tape been lying in here? Ranma X: "We Will Rock You"? What the hell? Why not "Bohemian Rhapsody" or "Another One Bites the Dust"? Jonatan: Because, and this may come as a shock to you, Ben isn't capable of picking anything appropriate if his life depended on it. Since it's Priss, "Killer Queen" would've been preferable. S.D.: Or, you know, anything by a band other than Queen. Rebecca: Considering the writers, I think Green Day's "All By Myself" may be the most appropriate choice in this situation. Jonatan: Huh? MMK: Heh heh. >He found himself wondering if his quarry had ever even heard >of Queen. She was retro enough, he decided; she might have. He'd >have to ask. Jonatan: Because it's a well-known fact that Japanese people often are highly educated in American pop-culture of decades past. Vidstudent: Really? Jonatan: No. Ranma X: More like the other way around, actually. Tango: You mean they're educated in American pop-culture of the future? Ranma X: No. (A pause.) Ranma X: Or, well, sort of. >The speedometer continued to climb, the bar graph crawling >across toward the air conditioner vents as the needle swung,; 110, >115, 120... Rebecca [Talking on mobile]: Buy! Buy! Buy! Ranma X: I predict the next will be 125... >they were beginning to gain on the motorcycle. A quick >flash of their headlights from the clear panel on the front of a >motorcycle helmet; she had glanced back. MMK: Priss, watch out for that... (*BOOM* *CRASH* *THUNK* *OOH!*) MMK: (winces) ...tree. >She was on to them. S.D. [Priss, shouting]: Overactor! NeoVid [Jim Carrey]: They're on to me! >Now she'd open it up-- NeoVid: Her shirt? > >The cycle began to pull away. Gryphon grinned and tossed the >gearshift into Tango: --outfield. >seventh gear. The Mark Three fusion turbine snarled >heartily. Ranma X: ...fusion turbine? Jonatan: It's the same form of logic that spawned "progressive grenades" and "teflon armor". NeoVid: Them fusion turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves! Ranma X [groaning]: You had to pull that one out, didn't you? >This was what it had been designed for. Tango: *Not*, as previously had been suggested, to toss salad. >The Interceptor MMK [Shadow]: . . . Where's my dog? >model of Camaro Z/28 was, as its name indicated, a police pursuit >vehicle. NeoVid: You chase the police with it? >It looked exactly like a base-model Camaro on the outside, >except for the ramscoops on the hood and the ducted ground effects. Tango: And the keen noises it made when you ground the gears! Grnunchrunchrun! >The sounds produced by its fusion turbine were modulated to be >indistinguishable from the lower models' piston engines. Vidstudent: So it's a shame the big "Batcar"-style flame in the rear gave it all away. Ranma X [singing]: It's all about makin' like the G! T! A! Rebecca: I'm sure this would be more interesting if I were the sort of person who enjoys Initial D. You know, besides the funny way they say "gumtape death match". >Only a tiny >"Z/28 Interceptor" badge on the rear betrayed its nature, and then >only to the few who knew what these cars could truly do. MMK [Cool Choi]: It can kill a yak from 200 yards away... with MIND BULLETS! S.D. [Kim Kaphwan]: What about-- MMK [Choi]: Just yaks. S.D. [Kim]: Well can it-- MMK [Choi]: Only 200 yards away. No more, no less. >Its other virtues included a sophisticated multitarget radar >tracking and guidance system, satellite-linked autopilot with >navigational computer, Tango: Sliding back, sunroof head and realistic toes. NeoVid: Fully equipped wet bar for the driver. Ranma X.: With a cupholder. Jonatan: *Two* cupholders! >and an onboard, cellular-Net-linked computer >with automatic software that was very, very close to being MMK: --better than all of AOL put together. NeoVid [computer]: Welcome to AOL! Jonatan: Wait, I don't have AOL... NeoVid [computer]: No, actually, you have a severe brain tumor, which is causing you to hallucinate. Jonatan. Oh. It would have sucked if I had AOL. >an artificial intelligence (in fact, Gryphon had often meant to upgrade >it to a true AI, but never had the time). S.D.: If he breaks out Miranda later in the fic, I'm going homicidal. (glances at MMK) Ah, more so. Jonatan: I'd prefer if he got Parry instead. >Its gleaming skin was not steel or ABS composite, but NeoVid: --Just really, really greasy. >a full half inch of Valiant Lamellor IV >armor plating--suitable for stopping Tesla-II Gauss rifle spikes and >105mm APFSDS rounds. Rebecca: And, pray tell, how did li'l Hutchins afford this monstrosity without indebting himself for generations to come? Jonatan: It's a little-known fact, but he did sell his soul - as well as his anal virginity - to Hell to do that. NeoVid [exact Tobor]: HUTCHINS KNOWS HOW TO PAY FOR FAVORS! RAAAR! >It wasn't painted blue-green; that was currently >the color of its armor. If weighed, the Interceptor would betray its >true nature Vidstudent: It was actually the Nu Gundam in disguise. MMK: No way! Vidstudent: (shrugs) Hard times. >by being a full ton heavier than the regular Z/28, and of >course, anyone who got a look inside would know instantly that NeoVid: --Gryphon never got around to cleaning it out. >it was not a normal Camaro. Edison's quarter-million dollars had been well >spent. Jonatan: No it hadn't, it was wasted on this abomination. Remind me to introduce you to the Leviathan crew. Ranma X: So, they added a ton, and it moves... *faster*. S.D.: Dream physics. Ranma X: You don't say. Pass me that spoon, will you? I need a gag. > >In other words... Rebecca: Ben's jerking off telling us about his car. >They pulled alongside Priss in a couple of seconds. The howl >of her engine could be heard inside the Interceptor--she was redlined >and in top gear. MMK [narrator]: IfyouknowwhatImean... >The look on what of her face could be seen was one >of incredulity--and NeoVid: --homicidal fury. >envy; Gryphon could tell from his quick glance >over that she wanted a car like this one, or at least, a bike like >this car... Rebecca: Of course. Original characters are always inferior to whatever the SI can do. Tango: Except for John Barren. Rebecca: Yeah, but he's special. >Zoner smiled in a friendly manner and waved, trying to >indicate that she should pull over. Instead, she threw the cycle into Ranma X: --His face. >a skid, performing a neat full-speed bootleg NeoVid: Priss is an illegal anime distributor? >and screaming off in the other direction, popping a momentary wheelie. Tango [Rebecca]: Friend find, look behind. (Rebecca hits him.) FRY PIGGIE! >Gryphon smiled a feral smile and rammed the wheel to the left, >his feet stapling the clutch and brake to the floorboards. His left >thumb overrode the anti-lock brakes, forcing the wheels to lock; Ranma X: --then, the vehicle, at about one hundred fifty miles per hour, skidded right into the side of a turn in the freeway and exploded. The end. >the Camaro twisted 180 degrees in the road, its M5 rubberized plasteel >tires wailing. NeoVid [tire]: I haaaate being in this story! Ranma X [tire]: o/~I'm on a highway to helllllllllll! o/~ >As Priss's taillight swung into his HUD again, Gryphon >released the brake override; the antilock system cut in and began to >compensate. Rebecca: That's not the only thing compensating. >Then, as things started to grab, he put the gearshift >back down into second and let out the clutch. MMK [Gryphon]: Run, clutch! Run wild! Be free! >The fusion turbine howled into the night; S.D. [Eddie]: Can you squeal like a pig? >the wheels bit down >hard and the Camaro rocketed forward. The chase was far from lost. Ranma X: But we were completely lost. MMK: *Hopelessly* Lost. (All groan.) >Another flash off Priss's visor as she glanced back; she had heard the >incredible noise that maneuver had made, no doubt about it. Everybody >in that end of Japan probably had. Jonatan: Including the police, I'd imagine. S.D.: Not that they can keep up with Ben's imagination. NeoVid (police radio): We have a 613 Excessive Wankery on the north side bridge, over. >The laser rangefinder built into the Interceptor's sensor >suite kept pinging Priss's motorcycle and feeding range readouts to >Gryphon's HUD; Vidstudent: No wonder the HUD's getting a bit chubby around the edges... > he kept her squarely in the brackets as it counted >down. Tango: Distance to sweet booty... 10 meters... closing fast... >Then the ceiling of the expressway crumbled in front of them >and something big, blue, and ugly dropped through. NeoVid [Skull the troll]: Hi guys! >Priss attempted to >dodge the pile of rubble S.D.: She evaded Barney and Betty's bodies, but sadly, her bike crashed into Bam-Bam's corpse... MMK: Teenage Bam-Bam? (S.D. nods.) MMK: Go Priss! >and biomechanoid killer; her back tire broke >free and down she went. Luckily, she separated from the bike; Rebecca [Priss]: I'm sorry, but this relationship just doesn't work. >cycle slid into the wall and impacted hard, while rider rolled painfully >across the expressway and fetched up against the median only a little >more gently a few dozen feet down the road. Jonatan: Landing just short of the green, setting up a possible birdie. >Gryphon buried the clutch and brake Tango: --In the backyard. >, this time leaving the >antilocker on; speed dropped off so precipitously that Zoner almost >ate dash Tango: Who's Dash? MMK: He's a new Megaman character. >and Ben let out a hard hiss of air from his harness' >pressure. The car stopped ten or fifteen feet in front of the Buma. > >"55c, would you say?" Gryphon inquired calmly. Tango [Michael Palin]: Ah, the 55C. Beautiful plumage, eh? >"I'd say so," Zoner replied. "I don't see any missile racks." S.D.: Of course, Zoner's first impulse is to check out its rack. Ranma X: Gee, they're taking the whole "clear and present danger right in front of us" thing pretty easy, don't they? MMK: Remember, these are the guys who told *ICZER-2* to wait while they finished their comedy routine. (A pause.) And, of course, she did. >"Mark would kill to be here with us." Mark [over intercom]: No, I won't. Vidstudent: We would kill to be there ourselves. Rebecca: ...or anywhere but here reading this, for that matter. Ranma X: I would kill to be there, so I can hold him down for the Boomer. >"Yeah... Too bad we can't go get him." Mark [over intercom]: Thank God! All: Shhhhh!!! >The Buma surveyed its surroundings for a moment; MMK [Buma]: No, no, this isn't right. (MMK pulls out a map.) MMK [Buma]: I *knew* I shoulda made that right at Alberquerque. >then an ADPolice chopper swung down into the expressway from above, opening up >with its chaingun. Tango: Cue cannon fodder. NeoVid: The AD Police! Get out your stopwatches, so we can see how long they last. >"Oh look," Gryphon said, pointing. "A Wasp. How cute." Rebecca: No, Firebee. The Wasp is the hopelessly doomed helicopter from Shadowrun. Vidstudent: So was Zoner's cybernetics. S.D.: And somewhere else, Shawn Hagen is crying. (MMK grins, puts on a plastic stick to his nose, and runs around the theater making buzzing noises.) >"How utterly doomed," Zoner added, laughing twistedly. Tango [Zoner]: Watching people about to die always crack me up! Hee hee! >As if it had heard him, the Buma blew the chopper away, apparently annoyed >by its mosquito impression. (MMK removes the plastic stick on his nose and sits down, grinning.) MMK: Ha! Amateurs. Jonatan: So what was the point of that, anyway? Vidstudent: Besides making a point of how powerful this boomer is, thus making underhanded suggestions as to how great they themselves must be for soon beating it into pieces? Jonatan: Besides that. NeoVid: It was a demonstration of the AD Police Procedures Handbook, "How to Survive Combat With- GODHELPME-uurrrrkkk..." >On the shoulder, Priss stirred and showed >signs of attempting to get up. The Buma turned its attention to her. NeoVid [Buma]: Me like babes. Vavoom. >"Hmmm..." Gryphon tabbed the switch by the headlight knob >marked COMBAT MODE. Ranma X: He labelled everything with masking tape. >The ports over the forward machine-guns slid open >and the missile rack in the front air dam opened up; a Predator-style >targeting reticule appeared around the Buma as the laser rangefinder >took up its secondary role. MMK: How cute and unexpected. Gryphon didn't tell us his car was packed to the gills with weapons. Tango [Gryphon]: How else are we going to take the streets back from the pedestrians? Ranma X [Gryphon]: No, these are here in case one of those damn school buses thinks they can cut me off again. >Gryphon put the Interceptor in >reverse-first and opened it up. The Buma noted itself being lased and >turned to face them, its mouth opening. Rebecca [Buma]: Hey! Stop shining that there! >"Shit--" Gryphon said. MMK [Zoner]: What, right here? >It fired the particle cannon thereinstalled; Gryphon wrenched >the wheel to the right and dodged the bolt, then tabbed one of the >switches on the ceiling above the mirror. Vidstudent: When they were killed by the Boomer, Gryphon wished he had hit the switch instead. >A largish, four-finned missile launched from the air dam, >spiraled picturesquely, and blew the Buma to bits. MMK: Well, that was exciting. NeoVid: Awesome, dude. Epic. >"Yes!" Gryphon said, pumping a fist. MMK [Gryphon, crying manly tears]: OYAJIIIIIIII! Tango [Gryphon]: For my next trick, I will punch through Boomer armour like it was made out of ice cream. >"Good shot," Zoner said, and they shared a high five. Vidstudent: Each got a medium two-point-five. Tango: It's the damn Russian judges. >Gryphon put the car back into first and drove slowly over to Priss, who was >still trying to make it to a kneeling-type position. MMK [Priss]: Must... pray... for strength... Tango [rapping]: Oh, yeah we pray! I say, we pray! >She abruptly found herself semi-surrounded by >concerned-looking total strangers, two in all. Ranma X [Hagar the Horrible]: If we had a fourth guy, we could surround it! >"Who're...you guys anyway?" she asked, pulling herself at last >to hands and knees. Rebecca: Idiots. >"Take it easy, we're friends," Zoner said. Tango [Zoner]: We come in peace. >"Would be, anyway," Gryphon qualified. "It's not totally our >decision." MMK [Gryphon]: Like, not totally, dude. >"We're on your side, anyway." > >"What side is that?" NeoVid [ominous]: The dark side. Jonatan: Your frontside, the side of your bed... Vidstudent: Watch it. (cocks Fuerstenberg) >"The good guys, of course," said Gryphon with a grin. S.D. [Gryphon, thinking]: Damn, I'm smooth... >"Come on, let us help you up." > >"I can manage." She got to one knee, straightened, gasped in >pain, and fell back to hands and knees. NeoVid [Gryphon]: ...Manage *what*? >"Don't be so tough all the time," Gryphon said, offering a >hand again. "You remind me of someone else I know..." > >"Et tu, Gryphon?" Zoner said sarcastically. S.D.: Here's hoping Gryphon kills him. Vidstudent: But what about Gryphon? Jonatan: Eh, he'll commit suicide at the end of Act Five. Just wait. Rebecca: Strike him down now, Gryphon, if e'er you loved me. >He went over to check on her bike. NeoVid [Gryphon]: Who cares about her when this *bike* is around! Just look at it! >Priss looked up, then slowly took his hand and let him help >her up. Nothing appeared broken--the miracle of leathers-- Jonatan: Priss was fortunate to wear her +4 leather armor. >but, like ow? Rebecca: I guess q was the dialogue coach. >"Your bike's trashed," Zoner called, standing over what was >left of it. MMK [Zoner]: I claim this trash in the name of Spain! >"Not like I could--ow--ride it anyway," Priss muttered. "Why >the hell did you chase me?" Rebecca: One word, booty. >"We wanted to talk to you," Gryphon said, rather sheepishly. >"It was the best thing we could think of on the spur of the moment." Tango: It was either that or go home and throw monkeys at the wall. >"That's some car you've got." > >"Thanks...I take some minor pride in it..." (All make coughing noises.) >"Yeah," Zoner snorted. "You take some minor pride in your car >the way I had a little something to do with Akira showing at WPI... >Well, our WPI...well, our old WPI..." He grinned at Priss and hooked >a thumb at Ben. "He loves that car more than anything else in the >world." Rebecca: Even his right hand? NeoVid [Zoner]: Well, almost everything. >"Never know it--ouch--the way you beat it," Priss told >Gryphon. S.D.: So even Priss knows he's a jerk off? Vidstudent: That particular knowledge is probably universal by now. MMK: We might as well call him "Grippin'". Vidstudent: Okay, that's enough on the subject. >"Hey--I drive hard, true, but I take care of it!" Gryphon >patted a fender with almost paternal pride. "This car never wants for >anything." Jonatan [car]: That's what he thinks. I want another owner. >"Christ, Gryphon, you're starting to remind me of Leona." Jonatan: I doubt that. He doesn't have the attitude, the perky breasts, or for that matter a personality that's actually bearable. MMK: Let's see how he handles muffins first. >"Worry when I start sleeping in it. Which reminds me, we've >still got no place to sleep tonight. Uh, I hate to be the one to ask, >since we've only just met and all, but Tango [Gryphon]: Could you please have my children? No? How about grandchildren? >do you have a couch or a floor or something we could crash on? >We're kinda desperate..." Rebecca: For readership, that is. >"I don't believe this! You guys pop up out of nowhere, chase >me down, I wreck my bike, S.D. [Priss]: --write me out-of-character-- Vidstudent [Priss]: --leer at me-- MMK [Priss]: --make me fantasize about five-foot-eight three-hundred pound guys-- >and now you want to crash at my place? Ranma X: And since they're SIs, she'll agree anyway. >I don't even know your names!" MMK [Zoner]: Allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste. Rebecca: Bad taste, that is. >"Well...geez, details, details. I'm not feeding you a line or >anything here, this isn't some lame pickup attempt-- Vidstudent: It's his standard MO, so it's not lame in his opinion. >I know full well >how that kind of thing would work out. I'm Ben Hutchins--friends call >me MMK [Gryphon]: ...well, I don't *have* any, but they'd call me Gryphon. If they were *really* my friends. >Gryphon--and my illustrious colleague is Brian `MegaZone' Bikowicz, >who takes serious offense if anyone refers to him by his legal name. NeoVid [Gryphon]: He prefers that people use his illegal name, which he bought in small used bills from a shady hunchbacked man in a New Jersey factory district. >He most often answers to `Zoner'. We just hit town tonight, under >somewhat less than clear circumstances which we don't understand, >really, ourselves." > >"What's that supposed to mean?" Tango: It's the worlds' worst chatup line? Rebecca [Gryphon]: It means, "Let's go back to your place and have lots of hot sweaty animal sex". >"It means, half an hour ago we were in Worcester, >Massachusetts, and it was December 7th, 1993," said Zoner. Rebecca [Priss]: I think I liked it better when the boomer was attacking me. >"Bullshit." > >"Didn't think you'd believe it," Zoner commented. Ranma X: Good for her. >"Look at it this way," Gryphon said. "What possible reason >would we have for telling you something that wild if it wasn't the >truth? Jonatan: You mean, aside from the one you just presented? >It certainly wouldn't help our cause any if it was a lie. >We're confused and tired, and S.D.: --horny? >we need a place to crash. You, on the >other hand, are hurt, and probably tired, and NeoVid [Gryphon]: --good and vulnerable. >you need a ride back into town. I'm willing to give you that ride, >with or without a place to crash in return--that's the kind of nice >guy I am. Vidstudent: Landsakes, Gryphon! Your ego is filling the house! >Look, you saw how fast my car is--I could've just cleared out and >left you to the Buma. Vidstudent [Gryphon]: Uh, please don't ask why my car has more weapons than a tank. >I'm an honest guy. Rebecca [Gryphon]: Pompous, but honest. >So is Zoner. All we want is a little help, >and we've got some help to offer in return." Rebecca [Gryphon]: You wouldn't by any chance need help satisfying your carnal desires, do you? >"How do I know this isn't just some kind of trick to get me >into that car?" Jonatan [Gryphon]: Well, it is. Feel better? >"You don't. All you have is my solemn word of honor that >nothing will happen to you. Vidstudent: And like Cush's father, his word is stronger than oak. MMK : You said your word was good! Tango : No, I said my word was as good as yours. >If you want blood on it I'll give it to >you. Ranma X [Gryphon, muttering]: Someone else's. S.D. [Zoner, thinking]: Why am I suddenly getting Red Cross visitation day flashbacks? >Besides, think about it; if we were psychos or murderers or >kidnappers or rapists or Buma or worse, Tango: Like mass-murdering serial puppy kickers. >in the shape you're in, we wouldn't have to trick you into the car..." S.D.: Yeah, right. Don't flatter yourself, Ler Drit boy. >"And you?" she asked, looking at Zoner. > >Zoner shrugged. Ranma X [Zoner]: We agreed that when I talk I usually blow our plan and the woman gets away. (A pause.) Ranma X [Zoner]: Oh, wait, heh. Whoops. >"I can't think of anything to say that he >hasn't already said...besides, he's the driver, not me." Rebecca: Zoner's going to keep his trap shut and let Ben get himself out of this. >"Well, this is an interesting development..." Priss walked >slowly and painfully over to the wreckage of her bike, looked at it >for a second, MMK [Priss, thinking]: Hmmm... looks like a profile of Abe Lincoln. Vidstudent [Priss]: I wonder if I can sell it as "modern art"? >then turned around and looked at Gryphon and MegaZone, >who stood by the car smiling pleasantly. Tango: Never trust a smiling SI. (NeoVid smiles with a *ping*.) >There was something about >the two of them that inclined her to trust them... Rebecca: The Aura of Smooth. (TM) >and Priss was not >one to trust people by instinct. And she did dearly want to see the >inside of that car. Vidstudent: And she would regret wanting that. >She limped back over and stood in front of Gryphon for a >second. Then, without warning, she belted him, a right cross, hard. Ranma X: Again, good for her. NeoVid: We've replaced Priss with an ADD patient. Let's see if the audience notices... >His head twisted to the right and some blood spattered the pavement, >but it swung right back; Edison and Master Caine had prepared him for >much worse. NeoVid: So Gryphon's teacher wasn't Master Bate? >He looked quizzically at her, raising a hand to rub his >jaw. > >"Making sure you're not a Buma," she said. She turned to >Zoner, found herself looking at the cockpit of an RAH- Tango: RAH! RAH! MMK: Let's see that old school spirit! (MMK and Tango bring out pom-poms and start waving them around.) MMK: Give me a WUS! Tango: WUS! MMK: Give me an E! Tango: E! MMK: What's that spell? MMK & Tango: WUSSY! S.D.: Sit down! Both of you! >66, looked up, and then turned back to Gryphon. NeoVid: And PUNCHED HIM AGAIN! YEAH! "Ok. I don't know why, but I Ranma X [Priss]: --have the strangest urge to destroy you. > trust you--for now. Let's go." Ranma X: Called it. Damn. >"You can hit me too if it will make you feel better," Zoner >offered sweetly. S.D.: Please do. Rebecca: He asked for it. Vidstudent: Normally, I'd say no, but the man wants it. Give it. >"Umm... I don't think that will be necessary." Jonatan: ...Yet. >"Well, whatever." > >"I'm a doctor," Ranma X: And I'm a Disney character. > Gryphon mentioned as she got into the back >seat. "I could take a look at your injuries if you like. NeoVid [Gryphon]: Take off your clothes and spread your legs... Vidstudent: I'm not going to be surprised... >I imagine you won't." > >"Good--ow--call." > >"Yeah, I thought as much. Why doesn't anyone ever trust >doctors?" MMK: They just don't trust *this* doctor. Tango: Yeah, no MD license plates. MMK: Or golf clubs in the back seat. > >"Thanks, but I kind of like my doctors to be old enough to >drink, you know?" Tango: How old do doctors have to get before you can drink them? Jonatan: I usually let mine mature for three to five years before uncorking them. >"That's not fair. I am old enough to drink. And what about >Doogie Howser? He doesn't even shave." Tango: And yet he's got the smoothest legs you've ever seen. >"Who?" S.D.: Neil Patrick Harris. >"Oh, never mind." > > >"Weird day weird day weird day," NeoVid [exact Jackie Chan]: Bad day bad day bad day!! >Ben muttered as he unpacked the emergency field kit. Rebecca: Item one: The blow-up Kei luvluv doll. Ben never goes anywhere without it. >"Fweird day." Four weeks field rations, >won't be needing those; sleeping bag, ah, useful; toothbrush etc., >very handy; water tablets, S.D.: Tablets... of water. So... what the hell would that be, dehydrated *water*? What's the point of water tablets?! NeoVid: Hey, do you know how hard it is to make dry water like that? Show some respect. Jonatan: o/~ I'll eat anything, except steam, please just no steam, you'd think after 25 years they'd learn not to burn the water! o/~ >what's the point of those anyway?; S.D.: ... MMK: You Know You Read Too Much Eyrie *When*-- S.D.: Shut up. >tent, not necessary; NeoVid [Gryphon]: I'll just put a tarp over myself and sleep on my back. Tango: Not necessary? So what is he meant to do if he needs to recharge his HP and MP? Well? MMK: Knowing Hutchins, he'd just do the Multiplying Elixir trick. Again. >small package of Ziploc bags, what're these in here >for?; Jonatan: Well, they do double as extremely large protection, ribbed for your discomfort. Not that yo