MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE 3042 Episode 1: "Houseguests at the Tendo Dojo," Part One MSTed by LEMON GODDESS Mystery Science Theatre 3000, all characters and related smeg are ©Best Brains, etc. This is not an attempt to infringe on copyrights, just an attempt to make people giggle slightly. "Houseguests at the Tendo Dojo" is property of Chocobo Rancher, and he's more than welcome to it. All Ranma characters are © Rumiko Takahashi, VIZ, etc. TURN DOWN YOUR LIGHTS ... [RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEL ONE ...] In the not-too-distant future Next Sunday A.D. There was a guy named Joel Much happier than he should be The Mads dissapeared one lovely day So he thought the Deep Hurting would stay away But little did he know that a pretty face Would be locking up the scientists And shooting into spa-ace! ["Here comes the Lemon Goddeeeeeeeeeeeeeeess!"] "I'll send him crappy fanfics The worst I can find! (Lalala!) He'll have to sit and read them all While I ... um ... [tee-hee!]" (Lalala!) Now keep in mind Joel can't control Where the fanfics begin or end (Lalala!) Because he used those special parts To make his robot friends! ROBOT ROLL CALL! Cambot! ("I can't look!") Gypsy! ("You didn't see me!") Tom Servo! ("Heh heh, girl piddy ...") CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!! ("Purple hair is sexy!") If you wonder 'bout continuity And other fannish facts (Lalala!) Then repeat yourself, "It's just a fic I should really just relax For Mystery Science Theatre 3042!" [twang] [DOOR 6] [DOOR 5] [DOOR 4] [DOOR 3] [DOOR 2] [DOOR 1] SATELLITE OF LOVE The bridge was quiet. Too quiet. Terribly quiet. Awfully quiet. Well, that's what Crow thought. And that, he thought subsequently, was a perfectly good reason to test out his new Hyper-Explosive Party Fun Reusable Fizzle-Sticks. "Guaranteed to make a bang, even in zero gravity vacuums!" "All right, Tom, remember the instructions?" "Abso-tively, Crow!" Tom Servo stood as much at attention as he could. "Step ONE! Light the match. Step TWO! Light the Blammo brand Hyper-Explosive Party Fun Reusable Fizzle-Stick using ... the match!" "And step three?" "Delight your friends, astound your enemies, and, er, make sure there's a fire extinguisher handy." Crow glanced at the instruction sheet. "Nah, I think that part's just for the kids under twelve. So, are we ready?" "Ye-" "What're you boys doing in here?" Crow and Tom mustered as much of an innocent look as they could, which wasn't much at all, as a sleepy-eyed Joel Robinson stepped out from one of the un-Cambotted sections of the satellite. "Oh, nothing much. Just chatting gleefully about our lack of Mads!" Tom nudged the box of Hyper-Explosive Party Fun Reusable Fizzle-Sticks closer to Crow, in case Joel was in a scolding mood. "Nothing dangerous, no sir!" "Yeah," Crow added, gracelessly bumping the box of exploding fun off the counter. "We thought to ourselves ... you know, we could set off fireworks in celebration of our newfound freedom, much like our fine and upstanding founding fathers. But we value our beloved creator Joel above such patriotic nonsense." There was a meaningful pause. "So, eh, we just poured gasoline on your Gatchaman boxers and left 'em on the radiator to see what would happen." Joel was about to take a moment to think of a witty retort, but noticed the communicator signal flashing. "What in Torgo's trousers? There shouldn't be anyone on the line!" Reluctantly, he tapped the light. FRUIT SALAD There wasn't a Mad to be seen, nor was there any trace of Gizmonic Institute. Rather, the screen displayed a kitschy 70's-style lounge, lit in blue and purple. Lounging on a nearby zebra-print couch was what appeared to be a young girl, clad in a bright yellow vinyl bodysuit, her purple hair short and Einstein-tousled save for a long braid that began behind her right ear. "Satellite of Love, this is the Fruit Salad, over." The girl was talking into a radio microphone, which she held in one yellow-mesh- gloved hand. "Satellite of Love ..." She looked up at the screen and grinned. "Don't pretend you're not there, Joel-Troll." SATELLITE OF LOVE "Who the hell are you?" Joel's sleepy voice somehow managed to convey a reasonable amount of shock. The bots, on the other hand, were a bit busy ogling the screen. "Wonder if those are real," Crow muttered. "Oh, she can give me some Deep Hurting ANY time," Tom replied. FRUIT SALAD "Oh, you didn't get the memo?" The girl rose from the couch, still holding the microphone, approaching the screen as though it had just offered to buy her a drink. "I'm surprised you haven't heard about me, darlings. The name's Remona no Megami ... Lemon Goddess for you American fanboys. You can call me Lemon-pi, if you like. Whatever makes you comfortable." Lemon-pi sat in a plush red chair by the control panel and picked up a small martini glass with a few sips of cherry cream soda remaining. "I thought I'd give the Mads a bit of a reprieve. You've fascinated me, you know. I'd love to see what makes you tick." SATELLITE OF LOVE Joel was not nearly as infatuated with the new face as the bots were. "Where are the Mads? And what exactly are you intending to ... er ... DO with us?" FRUIT SALAD Lemon-pi crossed her legs and leaned back in the chair, revealing glossy yellow stilettos. "The boys are safe. I've got them in my third level harem, next to Alan Rickman and that young thing from K-PAX." SATELLITE OF LOVE "Harem???" Crow's eyes clicked over in Tom's general direction. "No accounting for a girl's taste, I guess." "So," Tom spoke up, "does this mean no more bad movies? No more hideous HERCULES AND THE CURSE OF FATAL DEATH? No more nasty Bela Lugosi movies lined with pink angora?" FRUIT SALAD "I can safely say I will never send you a single movie." She smiled, the sort of smile reserved for female high school bullies and TV judges. "However ..." She slid open a drawer, revealing stacks of paper. "Perhaps you boys have heard of that quirk of fandom called ... the 'fanfic.' Now, I'm a busy girl. I have things to see, people to do, and there are SO many fanfics out there. I thought maybe you could give these a little scouring for me while I take care of some other business." SATELLITE OF LOVE Joel eyed the screen warily. "Why do I not like the sound of this?" He shuddered as Lemon-pi drew a packet from the drawer. FRUIT SALAD "Oh, I won't start you off full-throttle, boys. Let's ease you into these. After all, it's your first time and all. How about a tame little sex-free fic to start ... some Ranma, maybe? This one is from that wonderful East Coast con personality, Chocobo Rancher." She slipped the fic into the transmitter. "Don't spend it all in one place, cuties!" SATELLITE OF LOVE There was a silence. "Did he just say she could give him Deep Hurting ...?" Buzzers blared, lights flashed, and the Satellite entered a camera- shake vortex. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIIIIIIIGN!!!!" [DOOR 6: Open until 2 AM] [DOOR 5: For all your 2000 parts] [DOOR 4: This door died for your sins] [DOOR 3: Now with more calcium for stronger kids] [DOOR 2: Just like your mom used to make] [DOOR 1: DOG BOOOOOONE!!!] > " Houseguests at the Tendo Dojo" CROW: Kinda redundant, if you asked me. TOM: Yeah, like saying "Girls at Tenchi's House." > A Ranma 1/2 fanfic by Chocobo Rancher > Legal Disclaimer: I claim No ownership of these characters. JOEL: All your Ranma are belong to ME. > I am merely borrowing them. Besides I can't afford the late fees. > I'll bring them back on time. I promise. TOM: [Chocobo Rancher] And if it's after five, I'll shove them in the drop box. > Oh yeah! one last thing. CROW: [Chocobo Rancher] I'm Batman. > Don't sue me. I'm broke. JOEL: Damn. TOM: We'll just blatantly insult your work instead. CROW: Heh heh ... > Part one. CROW: [singing] Instead of "ass," say "buns"! TOM: [singing] As in "Kiss my buns!" CROW: [singing] And "This story sucks buns!" > Another typical day in the Tendo Dojo until a news reporter had > states JOEL: Congratulations, ma'am, it's a bouncing baby commonwealth! TOM: No, I'm thinking it's more of that time-travel grammar. CROW: "This story will had be suck." > there was a major fire in a downtown establishment. As the camera > panned over the damage, something struck Genma's eye. ALL: TOGGGGG!!! > The establishment was only recognizable by the soot-covered remains > of it's curtain JOEL: And its improper use of apostrophes. > which said "Ucchan's Okonomiyaki". this was quite a shock to > the crew TOM: The Best Boy and Key Grip were completely stunned! > except for Ranma, who was too busy picking CROW: His nose? JOEL: Bluch. > on P-chan to even notice. His attention was only achieved TOM: Congratulations, you've achieved Ranma's Attention! What are you gonna do NOW? > by Akane yelling at him "Ranma! You're going to make us late > again! (good thing she hadn't seen him picking on P-chan) CROW: Akane's yelling that? JOEL: [Akane] Yeah, I KNOW I didn't just see that, boy! > you don't want to be cleaning toilets with a toothbrush > AGAIN do you?? "(Ranma cringes CROW: And we're time travelling again! TOM: This fic can't decide whether or not it's a Babar story. > upon thought of having to do that again.) JOEL: Real men don't need definite articles! > Ranma and Akane leave for school shortly thereafter. TOM: [Ranma] My other fiancee's life went up in flames? That sucks, see you after science class! > Ranma was lucky today that he didn't come across the washerwoman > constantly flinging water all over the street. CROW: We get it. Ranma's lucky today. JOEL: Also luckily, the families of Akane, Shampoo, AND Ukyou decided to call off all engagements, AND Ranma fell into the Spring of Drowned Man on the way to gym class! > When they arrived at school there was the thought of having to > face Kuno. (thank goodness he was knocked out in the kendo club > after contemplating over Akane and the pig-tailed girl when a beam > fell on his head) TOM: We have now successfully extracted ALL normal plot devices from this storyline. CROW: He might'z well have written it as a KareKano fic. > When they got to class there was one person missing, Ukyou. JOEL: Since when was Ukyou reading this? CROW: For those of you playing the home game, yes, one person IS missing. > The teacher asked the class if they knew where Ukyou was. The class > didn't have a clue. JOEL: The teacher was fairly used to this by now. > Now, the teacher asked Ranma and Akane the same question. TOM: [Akane] Yeah, we're not actually any part of this class, we just kinda drift as our own free entity. CROW: [Akane] We're an amoeba! Join us! > They didn't have any idea either. With that point across, TOM: And two minutes left in the half ... > class had started. > Class had broken for lunch, CROW: Crash! JOEL: That was a fast little class, there. > Ranma and Akane were sitting in the park eating the lunches > that Kasumi had made for the two. Akane asked Ranma about the > whereabouts of Ukyou only to get mumbling for an answer. TOM: [Ranma] Bit caught up in the amoeba to notice my answer before, were you? > All of a sudden there was a person coming out JOEL: Kuno finally admits it! > from the front of the school, it was Ukuou. CROW: No relation to Ukyou. TOM: Any relation to Mil-chan? CROW: [Mil] Onenisama, Ukuou!!!! > Ranma yelled "Hi Ucchan!" and as she got closer, Ranma and Akane > noticed she was in the same clothes as yesterday. TOM: Aha! Spent the night with Ryouga, did she? JOEL: Tom ... > Akane asked her why this was and all Ukyou had to say was CROW: [Ukyou] I'll tell you when you're older, sweetie. > "just > take a look at my restaurant on the way home O.K.?" Ranma had > replied with some snide remark that almost got him sliced in > two with her spatula. CROW: Too bad the author couldn't think of one in time. TOM: I'll bet he thought of it five minutes after he finished this section. > After that confirmation on Ukyou's whereabouts, Ranma and Akane > returned to class. JOEL: Ohhh, so they were just skipping. That explains the split- second class change. > When school let out later that afternoon Ranma and Akane > decided to stop by Ucchan's for that discussion with Ukyou CROW: WHAT discussion? She said "take a look," not "come in for tea and cookies so we can have a chat, and oh by the way, ever seen those Smokey Bear commercials?" > (Ranma was hoping for some free okonomiyaki as well). TOM: Okonomiyaki my ass. The only thing he wants free from her is- JOEL: Tom ... TOM: Tell me I'm wrong! JOEL: ... CROW: How do you verbalize that, anyway? > Their eyes were turned to shock ALL: ZAP! CROW: [Akane] Ow! My eyes have been turned into electrical charges! Someone pull the power supply, quick! > when they approached the Ucchan. TOM: [Ranma] Heeeeey, it's the Ucchan! The Uky-meister! The U-ramaaaa! > The firefighters had left the building an absolute wreck. JOEL: DAMN those public servants! > Water damage everywhere and the smell of burning okonomiyaki > wafting throughout. CROW: ... um, what about it? TOM: Try putting all the fragments together, Chocobo. Maybe you'll construct a cohesive story. > Then there eyes ALL: EYES???? WHERE?!?!?! > were turned to a figure over the corner, crying her eyes out. JOEL: [Akane] Oh, great! Now my eyes have been turned from bolts of electricity into weeping people! What NEXT? > Upon later verification this was Ukyou, weeping about her loss. CROW: Called insurance? TOM: So, they just kept walking by, then went back later to check? No wonder everyone thinks Ranma's such a putz. > Ranma says " what's your problem?" CROW: What sound does a Ranma make? "What's your problem?" Very GOOD!!! > (then realizing that was REALLY STUPID) Ukyou went > ballistic.. JOEL: [Ukyou] This story has to be the dumbest thing I've ever been in! Get me out of here NOW, do you hear me? NOW!! > " my problem... this IS my problem" only calming down after > beating Ranma for what must have been a good half-hour. TOM: Sado-masochism -- the cure for whatever ails you. JOEL: Her smack-downs last longer than their classes. > That is when Ukuou CROW: Her again? What's SHE doing here? > stated another problem " Due to the > restaurant being damaged I've got to find a place to stay for a > couple of days until the workers get done rebuilding the > restaurant". Akane asked " why not stay with your dad or with > Konatsu?". CROW: Or call the insurance company? JOEL: [Ukyou] Oh, they got downsized with the rest of the continuity. > Ukyou replied that her father was nowhere to be found and that > Konatsu's house was already full so, they were both out of the > Question. TOM: THE Question, eh? What would that be? CROW: Whatever it is, the answer is 42. > This is when Ranma showed a bit of kindness, " Why don't you stop > by the house and ask Mr. Tendo" he might let you stay" JOEL: [Ukyou] You're offering to let me leech out of the same house YOU are? That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me! TOM: Wait ... how many poeple were saying that? > (this last bit went unheard by Akane). TOM: I think Akane's hearing has gone down the shit-chutes. > That would be nice Ukyou said. > As Akane and Ranma had arrived home then settled down with their > homework. After Ranma finished his, CROW: ... the following June ... > he went into the Dojo to do some sparring with his father. JOEL: Spar. Right. They were eating triple helpings of udon, and you know it. > Right in the middle of their sparring there was a knock at the door. > Kasumi went to the door to answer it JOEL: [Kasumi] Right when I had Mr. Saotome in a perfect lock, too! > and at the door stood Ukyou, a bit dirty from all of the salvaging > carrying what was left of her worldly possessions in a small > knapsack. TOM: Two small spatulas and a few extra yards of breast-binding fabric. > Kasumi asked if she was here to see Ranma but she wasn't, She was > here to see Mr. Tendo. CROW: [Ukyou] Apparently Dad traded some okonomiyaki for a betrothal to HIS kid, too. Have you seen Nabiki? TOM: D'oh. > It just happened to be that Soun was walking past the hall at > the time. JOEL: Doing his best not to set foot in the hall, going by way of the kitchen. > Kasumi said there was somebody for him to see him. TOM: [Soun] Odd. Usually people for me come to see the dancing ferrets. What gives? > Soun approached the door and saw Ukyou there. That's when Ukyou > told him about the situation that she is in. This brought Soun > to tears (what wouldn't) JOEL: Well, it's nice to see SOMEthing hasn't changed. > and he invited her to spend the time here at the Dojo. TOM: [Chocobo] With Ranma, the crew, and ME, Chocobo Rancher! CROW: Hey, maybe she can call the insurance company now! > Kasumi did the best she could in setting up a small area for > Ukyou to sleep and to do whatever else. TOM: All those weird little things she does. Kasumi knows it's better not to ask about girls with spatulas. > Sectioned off by screens, A small corner of the Dojo is what > she would call home. Behind the screens there was a soft bedroll > and a small table for putting stuff there. JOEL: Attention, Tendo Dojo: the Small Table is for the loading and unloading of Stuff only. > Ukyou couldn't give Mr. Tendo enough thanks for what he has > done. At this moment Akane came in to the house right after her > afternoon jog. Upon entering the Dojo she had noticed TOM: One, two, three ... JOEL: What're you doing? TOM: Counting all the relative times this scene in the fic took place, according to the tenses. > the screens and looked around. All she say were a few > singed items and a rather large battle spatula. CROW: Beyond that, it was all hush-hush. TOM: She say no more. > Akane thought to herself "Ukyou! What is she doing here?" > Kasumi told everyone to get ready for dinner. > At the dinner table they all sat, JOEL: It's a scotch-tape story with Yoda? TOM: [Yoda] Spatula girl she is! > wondering what was for dinner except for Akane who hadn't > shown up to the table yet. Kasumi had told everyone that dinner > tonight was being prepared by their special guest. CROW: C-ko! TOM/JOEL: Eww! > When Akane arrived, the okonomiyaki was just coming out. JOEL: Gay okonomiyaki? TOM: Now now, Joel, it isn't our place to judge. CROW: It was a perfectly respectable decision. > When Akane asked what's up with dinner, Ukyou decides to come out TOM: It's all go at the Dojo tonight, isn't it? > of the kitchen. Akane was not at all pleased with Ukyou's presence > as she was about to hit Ranma on the head JOEL: [Akane] And Ukyou beat me to it! CROW: [Akane] She ALWAYS messes up my smackdowns! > when Soun had told her that > she'll be staying for a few days. Akane was not pleased so, she > stormed off the table ALL: REVERSE TOGGGGGG!!!!! > and went into her room. > Kasumi had gone upstairs to talk to Akane right before they all > turned in TOM: Their AFTRA cards. CROW: [Kasumi] Badly-written time-jumping narratives were NOT in the contract! > for the night. Kasumi had told her this was only until her > restaurant got rebuilt. TOM: Hold on, back up. Too many unidentified possessive pronouns. Since when does Kasumi have a restaurant? JOEL: Maybe he meant Ukyou. CROW: Or Ukuou. TOM: [snerk] > Akane agreed not to harm Ukyou in any way CROW: Nice of her. JOEL: [Akane] Fine, fine, I'll leave the destitute pancake maker alone. Geez, you never let me have ANY fun. > provided that Ukyou not make any passes at Ranma while she was > there. CROW: She COULD, however, call the insurance company. > Next, Kasumi went to confront Ukyou. Ucchan was just about to > go to sleep when Kasumi said that Akane wouldn't hurt her if > she didn't make any passes JOEL: So Ukyou quickly hid her Disneyland ticket counterfeiting machine. > at Ranma. Ukyou said that she would make no passes at Ranma > while she was there. CROW: Outside the dojo, it's open hunting season! > (what Kasumi didn't know was that Ukyou has her fingers crossed > behind her back). TOM: Sheez, can't ANYone just make flat-out lies anymore without the stupid hand signs? You'd think they were freemasons. > Ukyou could barely sleep that night knowing that her Ran-chan > was in the same house. JOEL: [mumbling] CROW: What's up, Joel? JOEL: I'm praying it isn't a lemon trigger. [DOOR 1] [DOOR 2] [DOOR 3] [DOOR 4] [DOOR 5] [DOOR 6] SATELLITE OF LOVE "Well, I don't know what all the fuss was about," Crow said blithely upon exiting the theatre. "I mean, it's just your typical Ranma episode. Misunderstanding, a little crisis, Ranma acts like an ass ..." Joel shook his head. "No, see, that's the thing. It WASN'T typical Ranma at all! No one transformed, there hasn't been any REAL martial arts, none of the great charismatic arguing that makes Rumiko Takahashi a romantic comedy legend!" "Yeah, you're just pissed because there isn't any sex." "Tom ..." Buzzers flashed again, warning that this break was going to be particularly short. [TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 2 -- UNFORTUNATELY] "Houseguests at the Tendo Dojo" was written by Chocobo Rancher and MSTed by the Lemon Goddess. All Ranma characters are ©Rumiko Takahashi, Viz, Shogakukan, Kitty, and whatever else, and all MST3K twaddle belongs to Best Brains. Lemon-pi is mine. Thanks to everyone who gave feedback. You can contact Lemon-pi at lemongoddess@imtoosexy.com or on her website at http://www.shiiva.net/lemon/ Keep circulating the fics. > Water damage everywhere and the smell of burning okonomiyaki > wafting throughout.