MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE 3042 Episode 1: "Houseguests at the Tendo Dojo," Part One MSTed by LEMON GODDESS Mystery Science Theatre 3000, all characters and related smeg are ©Best Brains, etc. This is not an attempt to infringe on copyrights, just an attempt to make people giggle slightly. "Houseguests at the Tendo Dojo" is property of Chocobo Rancher, and he's more than welcome to it. All Ranma characters are © Rumiko Takahashi, VIZ, etc. [Back in the theatre ...] > Part two CROW: Ukyou and Ranma go back to Tara and discover it in- JOEL: No. CROW: Whoops. > It was about six in the morning when Kasumi decided to get up to > start breakfast. By that time Ranma and Genma were already awake and > practicing outside as not to awaken Ukyou. TOM: What are they, Amish? JOEL: Sorry, I really don't see THOSE two getting up at six in the morning to practice. Eat, maybe, but ... > Akane, Nabiki, Soun and Ukyou were all still asleep at this time. > Akane was the first of the group to awaken and as she in a > half-asleep mode, CROW: [Principal Kunou] She gonna be walkin' slow and bumpin into da things! > walked down the stairs and said hello to Kasumi as she walked into > the Dojo. Due to being half-asleep she had forgotten that Ukyou was > sleeping in there. TOM: She's on a collision course with wackiness! > As she started her practice she was fully awaken by the sense of > having a giant spatula humming for her head. ALL: [humming] JOEL: [spatula] That was JUST for YOU, Akane! > Akane quickly ducked out of > the way as the spatula hummed by. Ukyou said " Come on.. Let me > sleep! " TOM: [Ukyou] Perchance to dream! > This is when she realized this wasn't a dream JOEL: Well crap, that just messes up the whole monologue. > and that Ukyou was actually here. All that could be heard in the > dojo was Akane who said something under her breath CROW: [Akane] There is no Akane, only Zuul ... there is no Akane, only Zuul ... > "Damn..It wasn't a dream that witch is here." ALL: OOOOOOOOOOK!!! JOEL: Out of character already. TOM: Without much character to be out of. > Nobody heard the last remark though. At this time, Nabiki and Soun > had awaken. CROW: [Nabiki] Hey, Dad, want some Awaken with your coffee? > They both came down the stairs TOM: It IS a lemon! I KNEW it! JOEL: Tom ... > and briefly fought on who was going to use the bathroom first. CROW: [Ranma] Oww, get off me! Just because I got here first, you don't have to fight all over me!!! > Nabiki always won because Soun remembered how > much it cost him the last time he got in first. JOEL: He bought his way past her, or she pickpocketed it as he was leaving? TOM: It's one of those nifty pay toilets that charges by the minute. > He figured that seventy-five hundred yen was a bit pricey. JOEL: Not for Nabiki, Soun. That's pocket change. > By the time Ukyou got up it was nearly seven-thirty. ALL: SLOTH!! > When Ukyou got up, she had asked Kasumi where the bathroom was so > she could clean up a little before school. CROW: I think Chocie's getting a little tense. TOM: I'd be happy if he could narrow it down to ONE. CROW: Ask about the phone, too, so you can call the insurance company. > Kasumi showed her the correct direction. CROW: [Kasumi] Down the corrider, turn left, down the corridor, turn right, down the corridor, turn left ... > After she was all cleaned up, she got changed into the only thing > she had left after the fire. TOM: Her old Sailor Chibimoon cosplay adventure set. > "Thank goodness it was one of those school uniforms that I had > stashed here a long time ago." Ukyou replied. JOEL: Who asked? > She quickly got dressed and got ready for breakfast. By this time > Ranma and Genma were fighting over who would get the bathroom next. > Being early in the morning, Genma was at a slight disadvantage. CROW: [Genma] Bathroom's all the way over there ... but it's only 7:30 ... boy, you keep ungodly hours. > Ranma finally got in and got ready. This is when Soun realized that > he an take his bath later. ALL: ... O_o WHAT?!?!?!?!? TOM: That was in English, right, Joel? JOEL: Don't ask me, I'm still trying to figure out who got the bathroom when. > While Genma was in the bathroom, all the others took liberty of CROW: Him. JOEL: [shudders] TOM: Is this one of those rare bathroom fanfics or something? CROW: WHO gets the bathroom next??? You could cut the tension with a ... um ... JOEL: Fish? CROW: Yeah. > eating his breakfast for him. When Genma remembered breakfast, he > yelled "Save some for me!" as the group replied ALL: [Group] Bite meeeee! > "Too late..". Genma went back in the tub to go sulk over his missing > breakfast. Shortly thereafter, the group took off to go to school. JOEL: It's nice to see that Ukyou can assimilate herself so well into the Tendo dojo, right down to gimping the people making room for her. > When Ukyou got to school, she CROW: Called the insurance company? > had half of the male population of Furinkan High gawking and staring > at her. CROW: The other half like to wear frilly things and call themselves "Mango" and "Cinnamon." > (this has happened before) ALL: UCCHAN FAN, UCCHAN FAN! [siren noises] > When they got to class the teacher almost instantly asked Ukyou about > her whereabouts yesterday. JOEL: [Teacher] Today we'll study the feminist implications of ancient Greek theatre, learn how to calculate a cosine, and why were you missing, Ukyou? CROW: I was calling the insurance company! > Ukyou had replied that her restaurant was involved in a fire and > took the day off to file the appropriate paperwork. This satisfied > the teacher and class resumed. TOM: [Teacher] Just so long as it wasn't a deep sense of grief and loss ... all this playing hookey for funerals makes me sick. > When lunch came around, Ranma and Akane were in the soccer field as CROW: Yousuke hit Akane in the head with a soccer ball! > usual until Ukyou came over to Ranma and said " TOM: [Ukyou] Nice shoes, wanna fuck? JOEL: TOM ... TOM: What, you don't like shoes? > Ran-chan! CROW: [Ukyou] You know what? I once killed a man, just to watch him die! Tee-hee! JOEL: o_O > do you want to go get something for lunch?". This did not go over > well with Akane. JOEL: [Akane] LUNCH??? You eat LUNCH??? You BITCH!! Where I come from, it's breakfast at 6 AM ... and you know what? We're GRATEFUL for it! > Unlike in past moments where he would have jumped at this notion in > a heartbeat, he decided that he would stay here and have lunch with > Akane. Akane thought this was quite strange for Ranma's behavior so, > she asked him TOM: [Akane] Ranma, are we in a fanfic, perchance? > " Ranma, Are you O.K.? Ukyou had just asked you to a free lunch CROW: [Ukyou] Uhm ... uh, actually, I was going to hit him up for some milk money, eh ... > and you declined.. ". Ranma had to say something quick.. (but as > usual it was the wrong thing) so he said "Yeah, so. I turned down a > free lunch that's only because YOU didn't make it." JOEL: How is complimenting her the "wrong thing?" TOM: "The only reason I wouldn't eat lunch with her is because it wasn't made by you?" I'd scratch my head if I could. > This only made Akane more furious than she actually was. Enraged in > anger, Akane slapped Ranma so hard you would have sworn she had > snapped his neck. TOM: If only. > When classes resumed, Ukyou was looking at the terrible condition > that Ranma was in. He looked like he was run over by CROW: ... Akane with PMS? > a freight train, CROW: Same thing. > all due to the ten minute beating that Akane had given him during > lunch. TOM: Oh, shut up, you knew he liked it. CROW: [AKANE] Call me queen!!! > Ukyou asked him how he was feeling. JOEL: [RANMA] With my hands, and you? > Ranma at this time was mumbling to himself "....stupid tomboy... > didn't have to hit me...so hard.." almost to the point the entire > class could listen. TOM: [Classmate] Hey, Ranma got clocked by a chick again! ALL: [chanting] Wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss ... > The teacher saw poor Ranma in this condition and asked him if he > wanted to see the Nurse. He had agreed and Ranma and Ukyou went to > the Nurse's office. CROW: Little did they know that the nurse and her twin sister were actually researching Ranma's condition for their own selfish purposes! JOEL: Wrong transgendered martial artist, Crow. CROW: Damn! > While walking to the office, Ukyou had asked Ranma if he would help > her in purchasing some new clothes and such. Ranma had asked her why > she asked him to go. CROW: To call the insurance company? TOM: Christ, Chocie ... IT'S CALLED DIALOGUE!!!! He sounds like a third-grader tattling to his teacher! > Ukyou had said that nobody else would go with her and she needed > some creative input on things. JOEL: i.e., "Does this binding make my chest look too big?" > Reluctantly, Ranma had agreed. Ukyou had said that they'll meet at > three at the mall. Ranma said that he would be there. What they > didn't know was that Akane CROW: ... was actually a mutant space monster planning to eat their brains the moment they slipped into the soft porn section of Spencer's! BWAHAHAHAHA! > was listening in from down the hall due to being late to class > (after giving Ranma the beating) TOM: There's an excuse. CROW: "Ranma made me throttle him because he was being an ass again!" > After school as classes broke out, JOEL: Guys, we need the tranquilizer darts! That damn chem lab is chewing through the walls again! > Ranma and Akane started to head home. Ukyou, knowing the streets > of Nerima like the back of her hand, TOM: [UKYOU] Let's see, right turn at the knuckle, keep walking past the scar I got from the teppanyaki burn when I was eight ... > knew of a shortcut to the Tendo's residence. JOEL: It's called pissing off Akane and getting her to bat you into the sky. CROW: Ohhhh, Keitaro Air Transit, you mean? > This came as much of a shock to Ranma and Akane when they got home > just to see Ukyou there waiting. TOM: [UKYOU] Hee-hee ... you're not the only ones who can defy canon! > In a joking mood, Ukyou said "What took you so long?". Akane didn't > seem to amused by this so, she stormed into the house CROW: We've got an Akane front moving in over Nerima, with a 75% chance of hail the size of canned okonomiyakis. > leaving Ranma at the doorstep. Ukyou then asked Ranma again if he > wanted to go shopping at the mall. JOEL: [RANMA] Hmm, well, since THAT fiancee hates me right now ... sure, why not! > Ranma knowing that he should stay as far away from Akane at the > moment, reluctantly accepted. > At the mall Ukyou told Ranma that she needed to buy some new clothes > for school. (to keep the gawkers under control) CROW: [UKYOU] Do you think the see-through blouse unbuttoned halfway was too much, Ran-chan?... Err, Ran-chan? > Ranma said that he wouldn't be seen dead in the women's section at > the department store. TOM: Which completely trashed Ucchan's plans for Ranma's wake. > This made Ukyou slightly angry until, she realized something. CROW: She forgot to call the insurance company? JOEL: [UKYOU] Oh, shit, DUH, underlying subplot!!! > Going to the water fountain, she grabbed a small container of cold > water and threw it at Ranma. Ranma-chan then yelled "What did you do > that for!!" TOM: And finally, it's starting to sound remotely like the actual show. > Ukyou then dragged Ranma-chan to the women's section of the > department store saying "Maybe we can find something for you". > Ranma-chan didn't like wearing women's clothes CROW: Now, Ranma, there is nothing wrong with getting in touch with your feminine side. Sometimes even asshole martial-artists like to dress up and feel pretty. > so as she was being dragged she was yelling "but I'm a guy!! Why do > I have to wear those things??". JOEL: [UKYOU] It's okay, everyone ... we're still haven't got the right balance on her medication ... she'll be JUST FINE!! > Ukyou had made some comments on a dress and how it would look so > nice on Ranma-chan. Just for a joke she thought how fun it would be > to see Ranma-chan in a dress, TOM: [RAN-CHAN] Like I haven't heard THIS one before ... REAL original, pancake-princess. > She had told Ranma that she would give him a week's free okonomiyaki > for just trying it on. CROW: Dude, pancakes for a week to wear a dress? Try a week's free f- JOEL: Crow ... > Ranma, not knowing to turn down free food, tried on the frilly, pink > dress. Ranma had replied that this made her feel stupid. CROW: Not that anyone was asking. > Ukyou said that it looked nice on her. JOEL: It's another installment of "She Said, She Said ..." > After trying on the dress, Ukyou let Ranma change back. Now feeling > more complete, TOM: [Oliver Platt] She has made him ... a COMPLETE man. > Ranma heard Ukyou whisper that she needed some "unmentionables". ALL: Ucchan no PANTIIZU!!! > Ranma's face turned red (and wished that he hadn't asked Ukyou to > change him back so quickly) when he heard this but never the less > agreed. JOEL: [RANMA] Fine, fine, I'll go watch you strip and try on skimpy stuff, if I MUST ... sheez. Women. > Ranma also warned her to buy extra and hide them from the grubby > mitts of Happosai. Ukyou took this info into consideration CROW: And decided it'd be much more fun to just vivisect him with her spatula. TOM: [HAPPOUSAI] Swee- GACK!!!! > and bought twice the amount she would normally buy. Ranma and Ukyou > took notice of the time and hurried home for supper. CROW: Better hurry, kids. It's already 2 PM ... late again, and you won't get breakfast come 5 AM! > At the supper table, Ranma was flanked on both sides by Akane and > Ukyou. JOEL: [RANMA] Oh, come on, I'm tired of you girls just treating me like a piece of meat! TOM: Boo ... > This made Ranma feel quite uncomfortable due to the negative energy > that Akane was targeting towards Ukyou. CROW: All those little electrons bouncing off each other ... ooh, evil. > When the dinner finally arrived, Ukyou was in a state of shock when > it came to the table manners of the crew. TOM: [UKYOU] Well, the key grip picked his nose with his butter knife, the best boy was playing with himself under the table, and don't even get me STARTED about the caterers! > Genma and Ranma were in a state of battle regarding who would get > the privilege of eating the last of the steamed pork buns. CROW: If they were biting on P-chan's-- JOEL: Crow ... CROW: Well, it WOULD make him steamed! > This fight was soon brought to a conclusion when Happosai came along > and consumed the pork bun for them. TOM: Panties ex Machina. What the hell? > The dinner wasn't complete when Soun and Genma along with Happosai > (who all hit the sake a bit to hard that evening) JOEL: To hard, or not to hard ... CROW: That sounds like a really dirty question. > started in a rendition of " I'm a little tea-pot " before passing > out on the dinner table. TOM: These are the jokes, folks. > This had put the remaining members of the crew into a laughing riot. JOEL: But not the audience. > Nabiki almost blew what was left of her tea through her nose. CROW: And suddenly I'm reminded of that Nori nasal passage cleaner. > After supper, Akane and Nabiki had went JOEL: Oh, Chocie. You may have time-travelled, but you didn't technically break any grammatical laws yet. We'll hafta confiscate your trophy. > to their rooms to complete the remainder of their homework leaving > Ukyou and Ranma to carry Soun and Genma to their beds. TOM: [UKYOU] When you said guests pull their weight, Ran-chan, I thought you meant their OWN ... > Happosai was still quite alert due to the fact he could hold the > sake in a bit better than the other two. CROW: Okay, okay, sure he's an inexplicable martial arts master, but his body mass is significantly less than even AKARI'S. There are a few little things to take into account here. > When the two were put to bed, Ranma decided to go in the Dojo to > practice some of the new moves he had learned earlier that morning. TOM: [RANMA] Let's see ... slip arm nonchalantly around shoulder ... ask for sign ... > This had left Ukyou all alone in the living room along with Happosai. TOM: [UKYOU] Finally, a REAL man! CROW: [UKYOU] Maybe he'll help me call the insurance company! > About fifteen seconds later, all that could be heard around the Dojo > was a very loud SMACK! When they all went to see what was going on, > all they found was Happosai in the corner knocked out colder than a > fish. JOEL: If only he'd been colder than a fish to begin with ... he might still be conscious. > Ukyou had said that he tried to grope her but a visit by Mr. Spatula > put all the ideas right out of his head. TOM: God, she named it. CROW: Oh, come on. Doesn't everyone name their spatula? JOEL: Crow ... CROW: Mine's named Thor. JOEL: CROW ... > Later that evening, the group had reassembled in the living room CROW: [Groucho Marx] Why, were they falling apart? > to watch television. It only took about a minute before a minor > disagreement about what channel they were going to watch. Ranma > wanted to watch a classic samurai movie TOM: [NABIKI] Ranma, I'm sorry, but "Zantetsuken" is OLD-SCHOOL, not CLASSIC. JOEL: Blasphemer. > while Nabiki wanted to see the financial channel. TOM: [NABIKI] I like to see people who waste money more effectively than I do. > The two had gone on for so long they both ended up losing to Ukyou > who was at that time watching the local news. CROW: [UKYOU] Anyone mind if I look for shards of my broken life? No? Cool. > Something shocked her when the reporter came on the television > stating the cause of the fire that destroyed Ukyou's restaurant. TOM: [Newscaster] Apparently, a large concentration of too many fiery auras in Nerima caused a minor explosion this week ... > The only thing that she wanted to know was why she wasn't notified > before the media about this new information. JOEL: Ahem ... because SOMEONE was too busy dressing up their transgendered friend today ... > With a quick call to the local fire chief, demanding an explanation. CROW: God, this fic has more fragments than the bottom of a Rold Gold bag. > When the chief told her that they have been trying to contact her > for several days but she didn't leave a phone number or an address > of which she could be contacted. JOEL: Period. TOM: [Robin Williams] End of sentence! JOEL: Sheesh. > Ukyou understood the small misunderstanding and got the whole story > laid out for her. The fire was caused by a small electrical short in > an incorrectly wired junction box. TOM: What? If this were ANY type of Ranam fic, it woulda been a sexually-repressed and ignored-feeling Tsubasa committing arson. CROW: Or a jealous Shampoo. TOM: Or an angry Akane. CROW: Or Ukyou herself, collecting the insurance! TOM: And Ryouga woulda been by the restaurant when the fire department came, thereby revealing his identity as P-chan to Ukyou at a tragicomic time! JOEL: Guys ... > The fire then spread over to the old, dry timbers that the building > was mostly made up of and quickly engulfed the place. The > explanation was enough for her TOM: [UKYOU] Fine, fine, negligence, I guess that works. > as she hung up the phone just to place another phone call but to her > insurance agent this time. CROW: FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > By the time the lengthy call with the insurance company was done, it > was time to go to bed. JOEL: Ever notice how each section ends with them going to bed? TOM: It's like an L. Frank Baum story. > With the insurance agency fast at work CROW: Faster, hopefully, than it took Ukyou to even CALL THEM?!?!?!? > processing her claim, she wrote a reminder for herself to get in > contact with contactors as soon as possible. TOM: Three weeks later ... > After the reminder was placed on the nightstand she quickly fell > fast asleep. In Ranma's case it was quite different. JOEL: He quickly fell asleep at a moderate pace. > With Genma snoring half the night, he must have received the worst > night's sleep in about a week. CROW: Was that Chocobo's attempt at making him a sympathetic character? JOEL: I dunno, but we gotta get moving. [DOOR 6] [DOOR 5] [DOOR 4] [DOOR 3] [DOOR 2] [DOOR 1] SATELLITE OF LOVE [host sequence] JOEL: Hi, folks. After reading the first two installments of "Houseguests at the Tendo Dojo," we decided to try a little experiment. TOM: That's right! Like our friend Chocobo Rancher, we thought we'd see what some of our favourite anime would be like if all the underlying paranormal elements were all but removed! CROW: For example ... "Trigun," now named "Unigun," becomes the wacky story of Vash the Gunman of Ill Repute, whose evil brother Knives has spies follow him around in order to make fun of his spiky hair and the fact that his girlfriend is dead. JOEL: "Sailor Moon" is now the shoujo soap opera "Tsukino Usagi," the tale of a young high school girl who is told by a boy named Mamoru that the two of them are eternal soulmates. When that pickup line fails, he goes back to the old standby, and discovers that she is a Cancer. CROW: I'll say. TOM: The highly popular "Neon Genesis Evangelion" becomes the story of Shinji, Rei, and Asuka as they attend a local private school, where ... oh, wait. Never mind. CROW: "Slayers," without its magic and wizards and dragons, is now simply called "Super Gals Kotobuki Ran." JOEL: And last but not least, we have the Escaflowne movie, in which Hitomi actually does end up killing herself. TOM: Whaddaya think, Megami-sama? FRUIT SALAD Lemon-pi stared at her screen apathetically, then raised one hand in an "OK" gesture. "It stinks." [Part Three is still being written by Chocobo Rancher ... until then, TO BE CONTINUED] "Houseguests at the Tendo Dojo" was written by Chocobo Rancher and MSTed by the Lemon Goddess. All Ranma characters are ©Rumiko Takahashi, Viz, Shogakukan, Kitty, and whatever else, and all MST3K twaddle belongs to Best Brains. Lemon-pi is mine. Thanks to everyone who gave feedback. You can contact Lemon-pi at lemongoddess@imtoosexy.com or on her website at http://www.shiiva.net/lemon/ Keep circulating the fics. > The dinner wasn't complete when Soun and Genma along with Happosai > (who all hit the sake a bit to hard that evening) started in a > rendition of " I'm a little tea-pot " before passing out on the > dinner table.