PROLOGUE Katone nar' Hlass walked across the barren lanscape that was once Earth - to be precise, the city called New York. He glanced around, looking at the humans toiling in the super-hot sun, the star's radiation having been long since increased by gamma bombardment in order to satisfy the heat needs of the Nephilim... the new ruling class of Earth. Of course, the humans, once they were worked to near-death, were sent to the reprocessing facility. After all, the race Katone had adopted needed to eat. He could almost savor the screams of the Terrans as they were cut up into tiny chunks. Katone then glanced down at his watch. As much as he'd like to keep this up, Neph probably had his lunch ready. Katone looked up at the sky, and muttered, "End simulation." It continued. "END SIMULATION," Katone said in a louder voice. It continued. "END SIMULATION, YOU STUPID PILE OF NEPHILIM TRASH!" Katone screeched. Yet, the simulation continued. Katone whispered some choice expletives, and sat down, waiting for Neph to turn off the Tiamat's Holocabana. He did not see the form rising slowly from the ground not too far away It was vaguely catlike, but the shadows from a fallen building blocked his features until he was a few feet from Katone. The creature walked up to Katone, and kicked the Paranoid in the back of his shins. Then, two things happened. First, Katone spun up and leapt several yards away. Second, Katone took a laser rifle out from his cloak, and fired several rounds of it into the space directly across from where a person's head would usually be. However, that proves largely ineffective, as this creature was only two feet tall. Katone could get a clear view of the creature now. It was colored orange-red, covered only in very smooth fur. Its entire body was oval shaped, with two short arms and legs protruding out of it. The ears were on the top of its head, and a tail was place where a rear would be if the creature was anatomically correct. Strangely enough, the cat (as he now recognized the species of the shin-kicker) wore glasses that covered any signs of eyes. Katone scanned his memory banks for anything that would match his description, and found only one. The cat's name was Catbert, if the memory banks held true. Catbert was only a cartoon character in the current dimension he was in, however. Although Katone knew that all fictional characters had their own separate universe where they existed, but he still wondered why Catbert, the evil Director of Human Resources from "Dilbert", had come to see him. Fortunately, Catbert choose then to speak, his voice incredibly smooth and irritating. "Hello, Admiral Katone." "Okay... lemme ask you one thing right now, Catbert... *WHY* AND *WHAT* IN SIVAR'S NAME ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" Catbert snickered, and casually fired a chi bolt into the mass of slaving workers, burning them all to an instant, hideous death. Catbert then turned back to Katone, and smiled. "Why Mr. Hlass, I'm here to make you an offer you can't refuse." Katone stared haughtily (at Catbert. "I don't deal with mammals." Catbert laughed rather darkly, jumped onto Katone's shoulder, and put his knob of a hand on Katone's head. "I knew it might come from this. You see Katone, my company is looking for ways to enter new areas of the job field. However, our managers picked mind control, which you're VERY adept in." "Why mind control?" "Apparently, they closed their eyes and pointed to it in a dictionary. But enough about that. Since I also have a part-time job as a Plot-Contrivance Devil, I was able to warp to your dimension, and recruit your services." "Just one more question: I'm not the greatest mad scientist. Why didn't you pick Dr. F, or Vince McMahon, or Pearl, or Osc-" "Shut UP." Catbert glared at Katone, and for some reason, Katone did quiet down. "The reason I came here is that the Nephilim you control have an extremely large armed force. In case the mind control thing goes down the tubes, I'm planning to conquer the Earth in dimension #4528, year 1997." "Why that?" "You'll learn soon enough. But anyway, about my plan..." Katone looked at Catbert, and curved his neck tentacles to form a putrid smile. "Tell me all about it." ------------------------------------------- In the not-too-distant-future, Somewhere in Prophecy space, (Shot of large spaceship, the "Tiamat") There was this creature, named Katone (Close up of Katone) Who was living with the Nephilim race. (Shot of many of the Nephilim behind Katone) Katone is a Paranoid who wants to rule the world, (Technical specs of Katone flash across the screen) So he presented his plan to the Nephilim board (Shot of Katone pointing to several graphs in front of a panel of Nephilim.) They said "What the heck, let's give it a try!" (Panel gives Katone the go-ahead.) So he warped the SOL out of the sky! (SOL is on screen, but suddenly disappears) (Cut to Katone in his lab. He speaks in a metallic voice, with a British accent.) When I find that fanfic, That shall break Mike's mind, (la la la!) I'll send it to all Confed ships, and victory will be mine! Keep in mind, Mike has some bots, which isn't much really, but they are just enough to help him keep his sanity! ROBOT ROLL CALL! Cambot! (Pan left!) Gypsy! (You go girl!) Tom Servo! (I want my lawyer!) Croooooow! (Innuendo time!) So in case you've wondered what the hell is going on, and other petty facts, (la la la!) Just keep telling yourself, "I should just get the game, and definitely relax!" For PROPHECY SCIENCE THEATER, 3000! (Twang!) _________________________________________________- SOL, MAIN BRIDGE. 1430 HOURS "Sure it seems stupid now, Nelson, but trust me, I'll be rich by two weeks!" Tom was with Mike, with several playing cards on the table. "Tom, 'Pac-Man: The Gathering' isn't a really good idea. I mean, the entire set has only 23 cards." "Mike, that pessimistic attitude is why you're still on the SOL. I mean, the game would be incredible!" "Except if you have the Pac-Man and Power Ball. Then, the game would be over in three seconds." "Well, we'll have to ban those in the official tournaments." "But then THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY CONFLICT! Ghosts do not attacks each other." "So? Pokemon doesn't have that many cards" "The basic Pokemon set has one hundred and two cards, Tom...." "Mike, stop living in the past." "HI GUYS!" Crow broke up the argument by walking into the room in his usual impromtu fashion, holding a tape in his hand. Mike and Tom stopped and looked at Crow. "HELLO, Crow," Tom said with just a touch of annoyance. "Hi Tom. Say, Mike, have you ever wondered how to get today's youngsters to learn world history, especially since most of them today have the attention span of three minutes, and require special effects even for THAT amount of time?" Crow gave three seconds to let them ponder the question, and went on. "Of course you do! Now, I have remedied my problem, using my expert filmaking skills." Crow turned to a TV that had not been there a few minutes ago. "Now, let's watch." ------------------------------------------------------ THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD IN THREE MINUTES OR LESS Crow appeared on the screen. "Hello there, all you "dudes" and "dudettes". I'm your magical buddy Crow T. Robot, here to tell YOU about the magical adventure which is the history of the world!" The camera cut to an aquarium filled with plastic dinosuars. Crow's voice could be heard. "Oo, these are big fellows, no? These creatures ruled over the land of Europe for 450 years in what was known as the "Reign of the Dinosuars. However, the people ruled by them soon became disgruntled, and rebelled." A few plastic figures of Indians were thrown at the dinosaurs, knocking two over. The scene then showed the FTD Florists symbol. "This is the only artifact of the Egyptian, Greek, and Roman empires, which also gave us many scientific advances, which I cannot remember at this time. We believe, however, that this male was the main god of all of the religions in these three empires." The image switched to a Fisher-Price toy castle. "However, some barbarians came down and destroyed all of these cultures, and founded the feudal system. THIS model, although we cannot be sure, could be the only model of a castle we have to rely on. Apparently, these people had also discovered plastic." "Well, then came a lot of wars and peace treaties, and finally we are at the present, with the United States being formed. I hoped you learn a lot, and when you become rich and powerful, be sure to remember Crow, and send money to this address: Unknown Space, SOL..." The Video was muted, as Crow looked at Mike and Tom. Mike sighed. "Crow, I'm going to have to talk to you about these *documentaries*." However, before Mike could begin, the red light flashed. "Well, finally they're calling. Hello, Catbert!" ------------------------------- TIAMAT Katone chuckled softly, but with slight nervousness, with Neph standing stoically behind Katone. Behind Katone, several Nephilim were moving equipment around. "Ha ha. Cute, Terrans. As you can see, it's moving day aboard the Tiamat." Katone turned to a Nephilim carrying a sealed box, and started to yell at him. "WHAT are you doing?! That's my stuff. Hands off, you stupid creature!" Katone then turned back to the camera. "Now Mike, I'm going to have to send you a fanfic today. It's a rather brief Sonic Self-Insertion. And as for you, Neph..." Katone turned to his assistant. "After our little accident with my computer, I think you better monitor them." Katone, with a flash of his hand, teleported Neph away. ------------------------------------------ SOL Neph instantly appeared with the crew on the bridge, and sighed. "Geez, you think he would have APPRECIATED my magnet juggling act..." The lights and sirens went off, and Mike ducked beneath the floor. Neph sighed. "Alas, we have fanfic sign." ------------------------------------------ TIAMAT Katone closed the comm connection, and turned to look at the floor next to him. He bade the Nephilim workers away, and when the last had left, he spoke. "Arise, my master." Catbert's body burst out of the box, using barely seen, razor-sharp claws. He smiled at Katone. "Are you ready?" "Quite," replied Katone, as the pushed a button on one of the terminals in the lab. A large cloud of green gas filled the room. The agonized screeches of the Nephilim outside could be heard. Catbert looked at Katone. "Well Katone, I hope you know that Neph will suffer a worse fate than even these idiots will." Katone nodded. "I know. Yet, who will be my flunky from now on?" Catbert snorted. "Oh, I have that covered. But now, let's watch our victims slowly perish." A screen could now be seen showing the theater. ---------------------------------------- SOL THEATER [Neph, Tom, Mike, and Crow, in that order, sit in their seats.] Neph: Ah! Good ole' script format is back! >Starship Down Neph: I'm guessing the author was at the bookstore, saw the cover of the book showing rabbits, and since Sonic is a furry series... >By-- [Tom imitates a drumroll.] >Joseph DeLaCroix Mike: At least his name is funny. >This story is based on characters created by Service and Games >(SEGA), Neph: Sega, makers of a new system every three months. >And by characters created by Archie Comics Publications Inc. Tom: Archie and Sonic the Hedgehog: A potential crossover from hell. Mike: Thrill as Jughead singlehandly destroys Robotropolis while looking for a lost sandwich! Crow: The girls from both comics have a slumber party! Neph: Before being killed by SWAT BOTS. Tom: NEPH! You broke the line! Neph [sheepishly]: Oops. >Any resemblance to actual characters are not coincidental. ;) Mike: Hee hee. Kill me, please. Crow: Not a story, but an incredible simulation. >Joseph, Bahb, and other independent creations of Joseph >DeLaCroix are the copyrighted property of JoCo Inc. Tom: Since when did S-I characters need copyrights? They're all the same. Neph: Maybe it's for the use in the Author Avatar Association, http://www.geocities.com/~silvertooth/AuthorAvatars.html. Mike: Clever plug, Neph. >All rights reserved. Etc. Crow : Blah blah blah, I don't care, whatever. >------------------------------------------ > >Time: After "Bloodlines, but before "Doomsday". *shrug* > >------------------------------------------ Neph: I'm getting an idea of "Frogger" in my head. Tom: So, even the author doesn't know what those stories are. Well, we're doomed. >The starship hummed as it approached the solar system. [Mike hums "Louie Louie".] [Crow hums "It's the End of the World as We Kmow It."] [Neph hums "My Baby does the Hanky Panky".] [Tom hums the "ABC song".] >The apparently doorless, windowless, disc-shaped reddish >interplanetary vehicle dropped out of warspace, Mike : I cannae speed up the ship, cap'n! There's a too many adjectives hanging onto it! >and dropped to conventional ion drive. Readjusting its >bearings, Crow : Ok...ok....relax. You're in a crappy story, and there's no way out... >and cloaking itself to avoid detection, it headed toward a >medium sized planey, roughly 92 million miles from its sun. Tom: SPACE DESCRIPTION ACTION! >I was an quite inviting, beatuiful looking place, that had the >possibility of supporting millions upon millions of life-forms. Mike : Jerst a whole dang load orve hunting targiets! >Usually, these planets developed intelligent life within 4 >billion years or so after their initial creation. Neph: This planet, however, watched Wheel of Fortune 24 hours a day, and so developed NO intelligent life. >This planet was one of them. Crow : This is its story. >The inhabitants of this plantet called it "Mobius". Tom: Wow, BIG SURPRISE! I thought they were going to find the Planet of the Apes! HOW STUPID DOES THIS FANFIC THINK WE ARE?! Mike: Cool down, Tom. >The ship first detected the signs of an post-industrial planet >three years ago, as it was doing a routine scan through various >frequencies. Crow : Damn! Are there ANY stations here that carry "Car Talk"?! >The signals were several years old, but they indicated this >"Mobius" was Neph: "Fudgy" and "Creamy". >a relatively peaceful planet, with only a single squabble >between city-states bothering the otherwise serene world. Tom : Little did Mobius know the Great Toilet-Paper Position War of 2398 would be its downfall. >But, according to a signal the ship had picked up a bit later, a >man called "Julian" had apparently beaten them. Mike [sighs]: Yes, we already knew this, fanfic. Crow: Hm... I don't usually trust signals that I pick up, since they're so sluttish and all. Neph: Signals could never have any human characteristics. They are mere waves of energy. Crow: Oh, shut up Neph. >Thee last signal the ship received was that some sort of gala >party was going to occur to honor this man with a more powerful >postion in government. Tom: *HEAD* Doggy-doo cleaner! >But just as the party was scheduled to begin, a meteorite >finally achieved the 1.679 x 10^80 Mike: That's the strangest Internet emotion I've ever seen. Crow : I have NO idea what I'm saying! >against to one probability of something penetrating the shields >and damaging the communications array, and the ship was unable >to receive any further information about the planet. Neph: Apparently one of those deadly, "plot contrivance" asteroids. Tom: Oh no! So the 1 or 2 people that had never seen Sonic and were reading this story will never know the plot! >Noting the occurance in the ship's log, the computer set a >course for the origin of the signals with the maximum all speed >for the ship; Crow : Damn Space Police! Neph: Look, a SEMICOLON! Tom: And it's actually used correctly! >Exactly 99.9% the speed of light. (The ship's computer was >programmed with a derective that forbade it from going faster >than light on autopilot. Mike: Strangest law of robotics I ever heard. Crow: What are the other two? Neph: Probably, "Do not Pass Go, do not collect $200, go directly to jail," and "Always reply to an invitation to a party." >because of the various unpredictable things that would occur in >jumpspace. Tom: Like that one time when the spaceship found itself nude in Detroit with bloodstains on its body. >A few years had passed since the beginning of the journey and >its current status, but the ship assumed Mike : Assume NOTHING. Question EVERYTHING. >(with less than a 2% margin of error, according to its >calculations of probability it had received) that the planet had >not changed dramatically within the past several years. Mike : Oh, but were they in for a surprise. Hee hee hee. Ha ha ha. >And now, the ship was slowing to a slow orbit around the planet, >and was doing a sensor sweep in order to determine the planet's >exact status. Crow : We're combing the desert, sir, but we can't find any sign of them! >Needless to say, the ship was mostly correct. Neph: So, is the ship the S-I character? Mike: No, I have a feeling it's something worse than that. >The planet still appeared to be a relative paradise. However, >one dramtic change had occured. Tom [yawns, then sighs]: What, oh brilliant computer, is that? >The coordinates of the capital city, which was described as an >"garden city", was now covered in a black-gray smog cloud. Crow: It was then known as "Farleytropolis". >Had some sort of volcanic explosion occured? Tom: Was the author still having trouble understanding that this deductive reasoning is INCREDIBLY irritating? >The ship reconfigured its sensors scanned for carbon based >lifeforms. Neph: Judging by that run-on sentence, there's no carbon-based life form at the keyboard. Mike: C'mon Neph. This is the author's first mistake. Be nice. Neph [Growling]: Grammar must be impeccable. Crow : Carbon-based lifeforms... well, there's lots of pencils around here! >Two of them showed up, both of them apparently bidedal, evolved >simians. Mike: It's Elvis and... some other guy! Crow: Heh. Weak, Mike. Mike: Well, I tried. >Obviously, the ship hypothesised, some sort of major catastrpphe >had severely damaged the city, and had left only two survivors. Neph: Mike, I forgot... are we in Mobius, or Pompeii? Mike: Mobius... I think. >However, the ship also detected movement below. Tom: Uh-oh. Rat infestation. Crow: Diarrhea is a like a storm raging inside of you. >Switching to IR, it peered through the murky clouds, and spotted >several thousand bipedal machines, Mike: Oh, they're bicycles! Crow: Maximum Overdrive 2: Knothole is Roadkill. >vaguely rembling various evolved mammals, doing various tasks. Tom: Like scratching their butts and talking around the water cooler. >The ship was puzzled for a moment, and then came to the >conclusion that they could possibly be cyborgs. Neph [sighs]: I've read installation manuals that had more excitement and tension than this. Crow: Plug the g/x cord into Installation Port 3... OF DOOM! >Sure enough, when the ship scanned for cybernetic lifeforms, the >beings below showed up on the scans. Tom: But wouldn't Robotnik's arm show up too? Why am I asking this? Mike: Insanity's slowly starting to set it. Tom: I thought so. >Now the ship was in a quandry. Crow : How do they make that JELL-O green? >Within a few years, Mobitropolis had apparently switched from >garden city to ultra-industrial complex for no obvious or >logical reason. Tom: Perhaps the world had been conquered in the few years in between? NAH! That would be logical and obvious, and there are no logical or obvious reasons according to the ship, which is ALWAYS right! Neph: Tom, are you SURE the ship isn't the SI character? Tom: Hmmm... >The view of the enviroment must have radically changed for the >leaders of the planet, the ship surmised, or else they would not >be damaging it so. Mike : But that's not necessarily a bad thing. POLLUTION FOREVER! >Whoever decided on this decision must have felt they were under >some sort of threat, because the ship then detected beam >weaponry on the planet's surface. Neph: Then why hasn't the beam blown the ship out of the sky? Crow: It must not be set to destroy "smug" craft. >But from what? Tom: Flying monkeys! Hundreds of them! >Nothing threatened threatened them from space, for they were the >only inhabited world around for several light years. Mike: Except for the Harrisons down the street, but no one pays attention to them. >The rest of the planet appeared relatively uninhabited, and >there were surely no armies on the planet capable of damaging >the city. Crow: Except for the robots in the city... Mike: No Crow, that would be "logical and obvious". >As if to disprove the ship's assumtion in an ironic sense, a >large explosion was suddenly detected witin the limits of the >city. Neph: And... how is that ironic? I'd think I'd know ironic if I saw it. Tom: It's ironic in that the sense that the author thinks it's ironic, while it really isn't. Neph: That's not ironic, that's stupid. Tom: Eh, just smile and accept it. >The explosion was apparently caused by a sort of sabotage, for a >platoon of heavily armed robots was racing towards it Mike : Hey look! The nuclear reactor is melting down! Cool! >firing at an unknown terrorist that the ship could not detect >(Due to the severe interference) Crow : And the opposing team is going to be given a penalty for that. >Moments later, the firing ceased. Neph: Man, the ship could do all this in a few moments? I want a computer like this! Tom: Of course, imagine the computer's personality... Mike : I refuse to install Quake, for moral and educational reasons. Let's play Juan's Alphabet adventure instaed! Neph: Hm. Good point. >Either the shots had reached their target, or the terrorist had >escaped. Crow: Actually, the bots just quit. Morale really bites in Robotropolis. >The ship was about to note the first in its log when a very >fast-moving bluish object was detected racing toward the area >called "The Great Forest". Neph: It's um... er... it's one of those little brush eye- thingies... you know, that clean the bathroom! Tom: Magic Scrubbing Bubbles? Neph: Right! Tom: But they're white, and not that fast. Neph: Well... I... ARGH! [Neph starts to blubber.] Tom: Oh, chin up Neph. It's just a form of C & C. Besides, I hate to see a grown alien cry. Neph [sniffles]: Very well. >Before a scan could be activated, it was gone. Mike: Guess who just stepped on a land mine... Tom: Guess who's dark today... >The ship had come to the conclusion that this planet was not a >good place to land. Crow: So it left! The Ennnn... [Crow notices that Neph is staring at him.] Crow: The end is whenever there are words that say, "The End." on it. Neph: Better. >Apparently, some sort of major upheaval had occured, and the >area did not look very inviting. Neph: C'mon! This is just like home for me! >It decided to leave before something else happened. Tom: Is the author actually trying to make us think, even for a MILLISECOND, that this ship will leave?! >However, Mike: Wow. Big surprise. >the ship then realized it would have to power down its cloak in >order to pull out of orbit, Crow: Why? Neph: That's a new one for me. Any reason why the thruster system WOULDN'T work while cloaked? And besides, if you decloaked, you could just hyperspace out. Or may- Tom: Hey Neph? Neph: Hm? Tom: RANTING'S MY DEPARTMENT! [Neph falls over into the seat next to his seat] Neph: Yessir. >And expose itself to whichever inhabitants were running things >down on Mobius's surface. Mike: And this was a very modest spacecraft. >Also, if it left orbit, it would be unable to find another >suitable planet to land on, due to the damage done to the >communication array. Neph: Why? Would it need to request landing, or what? >It now had no choice but to land. Tom [Blandly]: And there was much rejoicing. All except Neph [Blandly]: Yay. Neph [A few seconds later, and with much spirit]: YAY! [Everyone stares a Neph.] Neph [sulkily]: I wish you would warn me of these things... >Protocol demanded it land away from a settled area. Mike: But the ship always ignored protocol, since it also demanded the landing area be light and flaky. >Fortunatley, those were widespread...It also wanted to land >somewhere it it could decloak and remain covered. Crow: So, it wanted to decloak and still stay cloaked? My head hurts. >Scanning the surface, it discovered a small clearing deep within >the Great Forest that could it could safely land in, Neph: I dunno. Why are you asking me? And why the abrupt thought? >which had no large or intelligent life forms around it. Tom: And after the ship lands, there still won't be any! BA- DUM-CHING! >Not only that, a small creek was spotted no more than 10 yards >away from the center of the site. It would be an ideal place to >land in. Mike: Except for the raging death monster, but we'll get to that later. >It decended into the atmosphere without disrupting it enough for >anyone to really notice. Crow : Hey, there's some sort of craft coming down... but my raise was canceled, so screw security. >It soared above the great forest, found the spot it selected >from orbit, and descened into it. Neph: Pretty good coordination of landing, considering the speed at which a planet revolves... >Moments later, the ship landed uneventfully and silently within >the small clearing. Tom: What? No huge explosion? No need to scan anything? >After the landing had completed, the ship set up a camoflaged >canopy to keep the ship from being spotted from orbit. Mike: Unfortunately, BBQ huts aren't all that common in Mobius. >After all, it couldn't remain cloaked indefinately, and when the >ship's passenger finally emerged, he would wish to work in >secret. Crow: I have a very bad feeling about this... Neph: Look! Ted Kaczynski is the avatar! Tom: Maybe it's Griffin. >In seconds, the clearing no longer appeared to exist from any >altitude higher than ten feet above it. Mike: Instead, there appeared to be a large ship laying in the canopy. Excellent camouflage. >Things were moving along rather slowly. All that was left to be >done was to reactivate the pilot, and the repairs on the ship >could begin. Neph: Reactivate the pilot? Did he run out of batteries? Crow: "Please deposit 25 cents if you wish your pilot to continue flying the plane." >---------------------------------------- Crow: Meanwhile, the entire Confed armada was on the heels of the U.S.S. "Smug." >Immediatley behind the cockpit, an area had been set up for the >cryogenic storage of a single individual. Tom: Actually, we were planning to attach it to a rope outside the ship, but the stupid safety commission vetoed that idea. >As the ship began to power back up the area, it slowly became >visible to an observer's sight. It was basically a man sized >tube, connected to a coolant pipe and a computer. Neph: Oh, it's Dilbert's new cubicle. >The computer began to hum as the pipe began to withdraw from the >tube. Mike: NO, Crow. Crow: What? I wasn't going to say anything! >Then, from the back of the room, a small laser powered up and >began to fire at the tube. It slowly began to turn red from the >laser's heat. Neph: I'm getting a very bad picture here... Tom: I didn't know you had dirty thoughts, Neph. Neph: I *DON'T*, you half-scan! I was worried that the tube might explode, and waste such a valuable piece of technology. Tom [Sighs]: Neph, Neph, Neph, Neph....what can I say about you? >After a predetermined amount of time, it ceased Crow: "Predetermined"? Mike: It's "Cyrogenic Cooking" with our host, Ship! >The ship then removed whatever liquid remained in the tube, and >pumped outside. Tom: Nothing like toxic waste dumping! >Finally, it appeared the process had been completed. Neph : Are you sure you don't want to write a few more paragraphs about this engrossing topic? Mike: Frankly Neph, I don't think the author cares about the readers. >The tube opened up so to allow its contents to exit, >and the machinery shut down. Neph: Oh, it's using Windows 95. >Jhoeseophae All: O_o Tom: Please tell be that was just a typo... >awoke groggily from his long slumber. <<"Arrgh.">> he muttered >as he wandered over a put on his clothes. Mike: YES, PUT ON YOUR CLOTHES BY ALL MEANS! Crow: What's with the goofy brackets? Neph: Maybe's he's thinking, like Garfield. Tom Another day, another stupid planet. >He stumbled over to the replicator, generated something hot and >wet, and threw it down his throat. Crow: Admit it Mike. These images are just too vivid to resist. Give in to the Dark Side. Mike: NEVER! >Now with most of his faculties active, he wandered over to the >mirror. Neph: The only faculty he really worried about was the Music building, which had yet to start up. Tom: How about the "Humbleness" building? Neph: Never heard of it. [Tom sighs again.] >As a test of his cognitive abilitiesm he decided to examine >himself as an impartial observer, and see what he could infer >about himself from a quick examination. Mike: I would have usually expected a simple description, but that's way too user-friendly. Let's annoy the readers more! >The green eywes bored into his face. Crow: Ouchies. >He was a vulpine, bipedal, and highly evolved. Orange fur. Eyes >that seemed to radiate intelligence. Neph: Sentence fragments. Mike: Wow, he sure is describing himself impartially! >Razor sharp teeth. Slight muscular build, but somewhat apathied >from the long period in stasis. Tom: Smug writing ability. >Roughly 23 years. On the tall and slim side for his species, >standing at about 6'4" and roughly 180 pounds. Mike: I thought all furries were quite small. I mean, Sonic will be looking at Joseph's stomach or... or... Crow: Just say it, Nelson. Mike [sighs]: Crotch. >Seeing that his mental faculties were operating at optimum >efficientcy, he went over to his wardrobe and threw on some >clothes Neph [confused]: I thought he already put on his clothes. Tom: Just accept it, Neph. >A pair of fashionably-frayed denim pants, with a pair of >knee-high metal tipped boots were laying around, so he put those >on. Mike: Thrill as our hero DRESSES himself. >Platinum-buckled belt, and a green t-shirt...didn't look THAT >dirty... Crow: I'm screaming on the inside. >Fingerless gloves were already on, so he had to complement the >ensemble with his grey trenchcoat. Neph: And some violas. >Viola. Neph: Well, I was close. >Instant cool. Tom: Instant horror and loathing of avatar. >Now that he felt pretty good about himself, Mike : I like me! >He wandered into the cockpit to discuss his awakening with the >ships AI, Bahb Crow: You can't even pronounce that! Neph: Sure you can! Bah-hab... no... Bab... no... Beb... oh, I give up! ><<"Okay,">> said Jhoeseophae aloud, sitting in the captain's >chair, [Tom makes a whoopie cushion noise.] ><<"where are we, Bahb?">> Mike : Crappy fanfic, with no chance for escape. ><<"We are on a planet called Mobius.">> spake the computer in a >sexless, mechanical voice. Crow: Spake? Are we in Shakespeare all the sudden? Neph : What on yonder window breaks, that... damn, I forgot the rest. ><<"Tell me what you know about Mobius, Bahb.">> said Jhoeseopae. > >And Bahb did. Tom: Geez, are you SURE you don't want to retell it for the non-existent people who may have skipped the first part? ><<"This is not good, Bahb, you know that?">> Mike : My aura of coolness won't work here! ><<"Affirmitive. Landing on this planet at this stage of its >development is not advised.">> Crow : For children 13 or younger. ><<"Then why are we here?">> Tom : To piss you off, as usual. ><<"Repairs required for communications array. Cannot continue >with mission until repaired.">> Neph [confused] Couldn't you just land on another planet? And what the heck is a communications array? And why can't the ship just fix it? And why am I watching this? ARGH! Mike: Let it go, Nephie. ><<"So we're stuck here, on a planet in the midst of an all-out >war, with a busted radio and no place to go until I fix it?">> Crow : And you want me to get you a SANDWICH? You crazy computer! ><> > ><<"How do I fix it, Bahb?">> Neph : Ducks. Lots of ducks. ><<"Unknown. Pilot intervention required.">> Tom: The ship can surmise about everything and apparently knows everything, BUT IT CAN'T FIX A RADIO?! Mike: No Tom, it's a "communications array." >Jhoeseophae mused over this point, grabbed some tools laying >next to the seat, and walked over to the hatch. Crow: To you worthless readers, it is known as a "toilet". ><<"Open the hatch, Bahb.">> he said, and it was. Tom: And it was crappy. >Jhoeseophae emerged out into the canopy's filtered moonlight. >The area appeared fairly healthy. Neph: Except for that slight cough, the land appeared to be entirely in good health. >The plants were green, and the water looked crisp and clear. Mike: Little did Joseph know that the water was really mercury... Tom: A bit bitter, eh Mike? >It didn't look like an industrial hell, and certainly didn't >have the aura of death about it. Crow: But God damn it, Joseph was gonna fix that! >After a few deep breats, he padded quietly over to the area of >the smooth, oval-shaped ship's communications array. Neph: That doesn't LOOK like a radio...I know! It's a waffle iron! Man, those things are indispensable! ><<"Arrgh.">> Tom: My, such emotion. Here, let me help: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! >The communication array looked totaled. Something a tad larger >tahn a full-grown vulpine's head hit the thing, and hit it hard. Mike: It was a GIANT vulpine's head! >Most of the parts were pulverized. He sighed. Jhoeseophae was >incapable of repairing it, even with his arsenal of >technological knowledge. Neph: "Arsenal"? I don't think I could have picked a worse word. I mean, what are you going to do, kill a person with theories on how soluminum diffusers work? Sure, the theory that soluminum is better than theromium is- [There is an audible "thunk" as Tom hits the floor, clearly beginning to pass out from boredom.] Neph: Oh OK, I'll stop. >He walked back into the ship, and sat back down in the captain's >chair. [Tom makes more whoopie cushion noises.] ><<"Bahb?">> > ><<"Aye.">> Mike: Bahb has gone into "pirate mode." Crow : Ar, you scurvy land-lubbers, the communication array be damaged, and we can't push off this rat-infested planet without it! We need be looking for a way to fix it, me hardies! ><<"We got any extra communication arrays back there?">> > ><<"Negative. However, one could be replicated.">> Tom: Then why didn't you do that IN THE FIRST PLACE?! ><<"Do you have enough power to do that?">> > ><<"Negative.">> Neph: It had enough power to travel at light speed. >Somehow, he had expected that would be the answer. Crow : Don't ask me how, I just know! ><<"Are there any power sources on the planet you could utilize?">> Mike : There's a Dairy Queen a few miles away...give me some, and maybe I'll have enough power to think... ><<"Scanning. Please wait.">> Neph: Sadly, it was Windows 95 inspired, so Joseph died waiting. >He waited about 3 minutes, then heard: Tom : Get your own stupid energy force, fox! ><<"Potential energy source located.">>, Bahb beeped, Mike: You got mail! ><<"Designation: Crystalline.">> Jhosesophae's hope began to rise >until he heard, <<"Location.">> Crow: NO! ANYTHING BUT LOCATION! ARGHHHHHH! >Bahb suddenly fell silent. Tom : Joseph... I'm pregnant. ><<"Electromagnetic flux from Mobitropolis makes exact location >currently unavailable.">> Neph : Actually, I'm just too lazy to tell. >He sighed. <<"Any good raves on Mobius, Bahb?">> Mike: I THINK that was supposed to be humorous. Crow: Nah, I think the author meant it as a cruel trick. >---------------------------------------------- >Robotropolis, shortly after the "terrorist attack:" Neph: Uh, why are the words quoted? Tom: Joseph didn't want to plagiarize from earlier. Neph [quite earnestly]: Oh, that makes sense! >Snively hated his life some days, with a bottomless, infinite >passion. Mike: Really? I thought Snively was an upbeat dude! >This was one of those days. Yet again the Freedom Fighters >(curse them!) Crow: You tell them, Mysterious Voice! >had detonated another vital part of Robotropolis, Neph: The lungs? Tom: The Funny Bone? Mike: The Achilles' Heel? Crow: The pe-- [Neph stares at Crow] Crow: --peruke, a men's wig worn in the 17th century? >and yet again Snively had to be the bearer of bad news. He >didn't know why, just once, Neph: Snively could reveal his true feelings to Robotnik, and how he truly cared for his master, despite his master's cruelty to him. [Neph sighs softly.] Tom: You OK, Neph? Neph [suddenly perks up]: Oh yes, I'm fine! You? Tom: Scared and vaguely disturbed. >a SWAT bot couldn't tell Robotnik the bad news. At least they >were expendable. Crow: Yet another DISGUSTING example of robot discrimination! >Of course, in Robotnik's red, glowing eyes, so was he... Neph: Oh, there are clones of Snively? Mike: Parts: The Whiny Horror. >We wandered into the Death Egg's control room, where Robotnik >spent the majority of the day. Tom: Two words: Satellite programming. >He was sitting there in his chair, tapping his left index finder >on the left armrest. Just sitting there, waiting. Mike : Has ANYONE remembered my birthday?! >Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Crow: Could someone turn that water off? Neph: Not onomatopoeia, but an incredible simulation. >Robotnik spoke first. "Let me guess, Snively," Robotnik sneered, >not turning around, "you have bad news for me, don't you?" Tom : Actually, for the first time in any Sonic story, I have good news! That's why I sheepishly walked into this room, YOU DULLARD! >Snively started stuttering. Mike : T-t-t-that's all folks. Crow: Sadly, that's not the case. >"Umm...y-y-yes, Dr. Robotnik. Umm...the #6 Refinery, uh, uhmn..." Neph : It went on strike. >Robotnik spun the chair around, Tom : Wheeeee! >and glared at Snively with all his might. Mike: NO! Not GLARING! AHHHHH! >"#6 was DESTROYED, wasn't IT?!" > >"Uhh..." Crow : I just wet my pants. >"Shut up!" Robotnik roared with all his might, Neph: Why does Robotnik think yelling and staring at Snively is going to hurt him? Tom: I dunno. Maybe he couldn't actually catch Snively if he got out of his chair. >"I *know* about the #6 refinery, you simpering dullard!" >Robotnik lept out of his chair, grabbed Snively by the scruff of >the neck before he had a chance to get away, Tom: Whoops! Guess I was wrong. Neph: Guess I'll have to formulate a new hypothesis, Bahb style. >and shoved him against the screen showing the flaming wreckage >of the said refinery being cleaned up by various robotizised >citizens. "I watched the attack from HERE!" Mike : Bad dog! Look what you did to the refinery! DOWN! Crow: So, why didn't Robotnik know about the other 834 Freedom Fighter attacks before Snively told him? Neph: Must have just been installed. >Snively could only freeze in some sort of delayed survival >instinct. Tom: Also known as "Cowering like a fool." >"Didn't I tell you to TRIPLE the amount of SWAT bots guarding >the refinery zones? DIDN'T I?!? Mike : Bad dog! No treat! >After all, they attacked #1 a month and a half ago, #2 five >weeks ago, #3 the next week, etc! Crow: Apparently, Robotnik never heard of "patterns". >We've got only the #7 *left* now, Snively! WE are going to be >SHUT DOWN unless we can keep #7 up! Do you know what that >MEANS?!?" Neph: No more capitals and asterisks to highlight random words for no reason? Tom We MIGHT have to *go* to the STORE and GET *carrots* for our *SALAD*! >Snively desperatley tried to defend himself as Dr. Robotnik >twisted his arm around so that Snively and him were now eye-to-eye. Mike: That... doesn't quite work in text format. >In a burst of confusion mized with fear, Snively uttered, " I >d-d-did triple the amount, sir..." All: Wah-wah-wah-wahhhhhh... >Dr. Robotnik roared in rage, and threw Snively at the nearest >wall, which he collided into painfully. Crow: Hee hee! Sadism is fun! >Robotnik then stode over to the intercom, and pushed the button >with a sudden calm. "Quintruple the amount of SWAT Bots guarding >the #7 Refinery." Neph: Actually, it's "quintuple." Tom: Neph, do you base your ENTIRE existence on grammar errors? Neph: Actually, I spend 34.5124% of my time in math. Tom: So I just noticed... >"Yes, sir." a voice on the other side spoke. Mike: Hey, the Magic Voice found work! All except Neph: YAY! Neph: Again, I wish you would tell me you are going to do these things. >Repressing the remainder of his anger, he sat back in his chair, >and stared into the viewscreens. He was now seriously depressed. Crow : 1001 channels and nothing on...I really need to install a satellite dish. >Repairs were continuing on the first few refineries, but the >first one that was destroyed would not be operational for >another 2 days from then. Neph: THEN they *might* have to SHUT down *for* an EXTENDED period *of *TIME*! >If that blasted hedgehog attacked #7 tommorrow (which he >probably would, conisdering that if he did, it would annoy >Robotnik further), Mike: Like that time Sonic locked the door to the only restroom in Robotropolis. >and destroyed it, Robotropolis would have to shut down for a few >days until the new refinery went up, which they would, of >course, attack. Tom: Then WHY DON'T YOU INCREASE THE LEVEL OF SWAT BOTS TO AN EVEN HIGHER LEVEL?! [Tom's dome starts to smoke ominously.] Mike: Calm down, Tom... think happy thoughts. >He was at a critical point now. Crow: If he STOLE the toilet paper, he might be caught... however, the alternative was worse than death. >If they were able to continue destroying his refineries, he'd >have to either shut down or find an alternative, more efficient, >and probably (yuck) cleaner energy source for Robotropolis. Tom: Isn't that cute? DeLaCroix's trying to riff with us. >The whole scenerio depressed him. Even beating the crap out of >Snively (Who was against the wall, wheezing) didn't make him >feel better. Neph: Let me check. [Neph suddenly picks up Tom by one of his tentacles, spins him around a bit, and flings him hard into the wall.] Neph: No, I feel a lot better. [Tom returns to his seat, wheezing.] Tom [bitter]: Glad to see you're feeling better at my expense. >He growled, pounded his fist against the armrest, and swore for >a little bit about the hedgehog's demise until he felt somewhat >more civil. Mike: I'm guessing sort of a "Vince McMahon" type civil. >Suddenly, he thought of a way to make himself feel better, yet >do something constructive at the same time. Crow: Yeah, clipping my toenails helps me too. >He pushed the intercom button again. "Bring up a prisoner, >please.", he said evilly. Tom: Huh. Who wrote this, KatoNNNNNNNNEEEE! Neph: What happened? Tom: I just got a picture of Roseanne nude. Katone [VO]: I'll do it again, if you don't behave yourself. >He always put on an air of faux politeness when about to torture >the living daylights out of another sentient being. "Sorry," the >voice said, "we don't have any prisoners left, sir. Mike : They all left for a better company. >You robotisized them all yesterday." Robotnik blinked. "What?!?" >The voice sounded less sure of itself. "Yes sir, don't you >remember? 21:00 Robotropolis Central Time." Crow : I never gave any orders! I was watching Judge Judy then! >He snarled. "Then go out and capture some then, and tell me when >you get them here!" Neph : And be sure to gift-wrap them also! >Sharply, the voice said, "Yes, sir!" and disappeared into >silence. > >Robotnik then looked over to the fairly recovered Snively. Tom: I'm... not going to make any comment here. >"Snively," he said casually, "make yourself useful and go with >some SWAT Bots on their little hunt." Snively just nodded, and >ran out of the room. Mike : I wet my pants again! MOMMMMMMM! >After he was a fair distance away, Robotnik muttered, Crow : God, I love that man. >"Good help is so hard to find these days." and began a perimeter >sweep of Rbobtropolis > >---------------------------------------- > Neph: Cool! They're showing us the sweep! Tom : Today is clear, with a high of 76 degrees Fahrenheit. Mike: As long as this doesn't turn into Hokoto No Ken '93, I'll be happy. >Knothole, after the attack: Crow: Dateline! >The usual small celebration was going on over the destruction of >yet another Robotnik installation. Neph: This time, they had destroyed a moderately-sized wastebasket! >Sonic, was, of course, drinking in all of the positive attention >and receiving most of the complements; Tom: Which was strange because he wasn't even ON the mission. Mike: I think it's sort of a jerk reflex of the Freedom Fighters to praise Sonic whenever something happens. Crow: He seems only to be berated by Sally, but then, *I* wouldn't mind being berated by her... Neph: I thought criticism is bad. Mike: It is, Neph. Crow's just insane. Tom: We didn't want to tell you yet. Neph: Oh. What's it like to be insane, Crow? Crow: Bite me, bug-boy. Neph: Very well. [Neph starts to ominously reach for Crow.] Crow: Not literally, yah knob! Neph: Oh. >while Sally and Rotor, who accompanied Sonic on that mission, >would occasionally rool their eyes at some of the hedgehog's >more gratuitous exaggeration. Tom : I had sex with all FOUR of them in the same night! >After a few more minutes, the celebration cmae to an end, and >the trio wandered back into Sally's hut to discuss the next >mission. [Crow hums 70's porn music.] Mike: Bomp shaka-laka wow wow... >"Well," said she, "we're in good shape, guys. Robotnik only has >one more refinery left, so Robotropolis is almost come to a halt >now." Neph <*horrible* Sally voice>: In fact, we have information that Robotnik's COFFEE MACHINE has broken down! Mike: Neph? Neph: Hm? Mike: Do all of us a favor and never try to have a female voice ever again. Neph: Very well. >"Yeah!" spoke the blue wonder, "So, what time tommorow do we go >to destroy lucky #7? I'll set my alarm." Tom : And then I'll abandon you to be killed, and claim MYSELF to be ruler of Knothole! MWA-HA-HA! >"Sonic," Sally said, "if we went off and tried to destroy that >refinery, we might as well just walk up to Robotnik and >surrender. We barely got out of this one alive." Crow : Surrender? Sounds good! When do you want me to set the alarm? >Sonic started tapping his foot on the ground, and crossed his >arms. "Well, if that's the way you feel about it, Sal, I'll do >it myself! I know how Rotor plants the bombs! *I* can do it!" Tom : I only blew up an enclave of Freedom Fighters TWICE with those bombs! I've learned! >Sally looked at Rotor. "Well," the walrus said, "they aren't >really *that* complex. All he'd have to to is type in however >much time he'd need on the first one, and all the other would >sync." Neph : Or is that how to set the microwave. Damn, I forgot! >Noting that point, Sally mentally selected another one and >glared at Sonic. "Are you insane?! Robotnik will have 400 SWAT >Bots in there, and you KNOW they'll be on alert now." Mike: And insert an annoying, reckless reply from Sonic... now. >Sonic smirked, and gesticulated his arms in a manner an umpire >denotes a player is "safe". "A few hundred 'bots won't slow me >down. It'll be a breeze." Neph: Of course, Mobius doesn't even HAVE baseball, so... what's he saying? Crow: I know! Sonic's in DX! Crotch chop! All except Neph: SUCK IT! Neph: ...Really, can't you give a pre-warning to these things? Crow: Oh, I'LL give you a warning... [Crow raises his 'hands'...] Mike: CROW! Neph's our... um... honored guest! [Crow lowers his hands reluctantly.] >"A *breeze*?!" Sally shouted, "You'll be slaughtered!" Neph : No, contract rules say I can't die. >"Ha!" the blue one noted, "I'll be there and back before they'll >even notice the attack!" and snapped his fingers. Tom: And exploded messily. >"Sonic..." she pleaded, "I forbid you to do this. It's just too >dangerous." > >"I *live* on danger!" cried the hedgehog, Mike : It makes up 55% of my daily USDA recommended nutrition balance! >"and if I pull this one off, RObotnik will REALLY be hurtin'! >C'mon, Sal, let me do it!" Crow : Let me wedgie Robotnik! >Sally looked over at Sonic. "Look, I'll tell you in the morning. >I need to consider this, okay? Tom: And Mobius Psychic Hotlines were born! >Sonic smiled. "Sure, Sal, no sweat. You know where to find me." Crow: NO, Crow! There Mike, I reprimanded myself! [Mike sighs.] >With that, he powered himself up and rocketed out the door. >Lightly grabbing any stable objects, Sally and Rotor rode out >the shockwave with a minimum of distress. Neph: In that their fur was torn off... revealing their fleshy, delicious bodies... [Neph begins to drool] Mike: Neph...what exactly DO you eat? Neph: At the time, raw human flesh. Mike: Oh... that's interesting. Neph: Don't worry. I'd only tear you apart with my claws if necessary. >"You're going to let him go, aren't you?" said Rotor sofly. Crow : NO, I CAN'T HEAR YOU! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?! >She sighed. "Do I really have a choice? Even if I say no, he'll >go." She took a breath. "At least if I tell him when to go, >I'llbe able to see him leave..." Tom: Oh, how touching. [Tom pauses.] Tom: I think I'm going to be sick. >"Now Sally," Rotor spake, "don't act like that. Sonic will come >back from this one. I just know it." Neph : But if, my dearest, he does not, then thouest can puttest the bill on yon credit card. >"I just hope you're right, Rotor." Mike Don't worry, I'm usually not. >Suddenly, Tails walked in. All: INTENSE APPEARING ACTION! Neph: Hey, I finally got it! >"Aunt Sally," he said, "we're out of berries again. Should I go >out and pick some tommorow? > >Sally sighed. "Uh, sure, Tails. Could you take Bunnie with you? >She's beeen pacing around here bored." Crow: Cue the porn music! Tom: Boom-boom chicka wow-wow-wow... >Tails smiled. "Sure, Aunt Sally, it'll be my pleasure!" > >--------------------------------------------------------- Tom: Ah! Suspense! WILL Tails go out to pick berries? >A new day broke over the Great Forest. Light streamed in through >the leaves of the various trees, and most of the animals, >sentinent and non-sentinent alike, were awakened. Mike: Joseph's snoring could be heard for miles around.... >Jhosesophae came out of sleep mode, and forced himself to stand. >A rapid exchange of carbon diozide for oxygen occured, and his >appendeges were properly recalibrated. Crow: Okay... that makes no sense. >(To a layman, that would be perceived as Jhosesopae yawning and >stretching out.) All: O_o Neph: By Sivar... Joseph really DOES hate his audience. Tom: "Layman" being a normal person. Mike: Of course, we are all below Joseph. Crow: Right. >He wandered over to the replicator, created a yellow cube about >5 cubic inches in volume, and began eating it. Neph : Joseph, that's your puzzle for the d... oh, forget it. >He wandered into the cockpit, sat down in the chair, and >activated the screen. <<"Status report.">> Tom : Project is underfunded and doomed. Our team is preparing to raise a riot against the company, and find eternal happiness in death. >Bahb beeped back to life as Jhosesophae reclined and ate his >cube. Mike : I am as mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it any more. ><<"In a two klick radius around the ship, approximately 1.5 >small mammals had been detected moving in the last 12 hours. >None have come within on klick of the ship. Crow: "1.5"? Is one just a head or an arm? Neph: "Klicks"? Great, now he's borrowing terminology from Wing Commander. Tom: Maybe Joseph will kick some Nephilim ass. Neph: Don't make me kill you, half-scan. >4 birds had been detected flying above the ship at a average >altitude of 100 yards above sea level. 150 worms have been noted >approxamately 2 inches below the landing gear. Mike: This reads like my second grade descriptive paragraphs... only worse. >The temperature outside is +73.5 degrees. Crow : In Celsius. All life here has suddenly died. Sensors hypothesize that your Aura of Smooth killed a planet again. >The probability it will remain clear today is 95.1%. Fuel level >is at 75% of maximum. Communications array is down. Neph : And you've got mail. >Weapons, cloak, shields, navigation, transporters, propulsion, >sensors, life support and cyrogenic storage are on standby.">> Tom: But, more importantly, the toaster is online. >Jhosesophae finished his cube. <<"We need to get those crystals, >Bahb. Do you detect any mines or above-ground sources of them >today?">> Mike : No, but I found a Starbucks. ><<"Electromagnetic flux is currently low enough for a precise >scan.">> Bahb tweeted proudly, <<"Now scanning for crystals.">> Crow: I wish I had that self-esteem. ><<"Confirmed.">> Bahb beeped. <<"An enterance to a mine system >exists exactly 3 miles from her, in the center of a whirlpool.">> Tom: Man, those are dangerous! The only other thing I could think of that could be worse would be a Maytag! Neph: I've never heard of such a natural phenomenon. Tom: You *wouldn't*. ><<"I hate water,">> Jhosesophae uttered, <<"But I hate being >marooned even more.">> Mike: Ha ha ha... argh. >Jhosesophae grabbed his microcomputer from a shelf, walked to >the replicator, and placed it on the replicator's altar. Crow: Come Sunday to the Holy Church of Joseph. ><<"Bahb, waterproof and charge this device.">> Bahb queitly did >so, with a pulse of plasmatic energy. He then removed the >computer from the pad. Neph: With a burst of... of... any good words here? Tom: Hokeymatic? Neph: Excellent. As a token of my gratitude, I'm not going to kill you when we leave the theater. Tom: Gee... thanks. ><<"Bahb, link with this device.">> Suddenly, Bahb's voice heard >from the small speaker on the device. <<"Affirmative.">> Mike : How do you turn this volume up? Crow : Push the button on the control panel labeled, "self- destruct". >Jhosespahae took a small stun weapon from another counter as he >walked into the transporter tube. Neph : Actually, that's the incinerator tube. ><<"Bahb, teleport me as close as you possibly can to the >enterence to the mine, but keep me distant from other life >forms.">> Tom : They could have cooties. >Bahb didn't answer. It merely set coordinates and shot >Jhosesophae through the atmosphere. Mike Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. The teleporter is malfunctioning, so I rigged a catapult to send you to the mine. Unless the ground is hard, you'll live. >Seconds later, Jhosesophae rematerialized about five feet from >the edge of the whirlpool. Crow: I thought he was shot into the atmosphere... must ignore... plot holes... >He noted that this was where the creek ended that ran by the >side of the craft. <>, not expecting an answer. Neph : Bahb? I'm sorry I had to disconnect the separate AI, but that's no reason for you to get sulky! >The device beeped somewhat with some light static, <<"On >standby.">> > >Jhosesophae suddenly realized this was technically impossible. ><<"Bahb,how are you doing this?">> Mike : Plot contrivance technology. >The device uttered, <<"Your microcomputer has a seperate >communications array than the central one on the ship. A small >version of the main array, with a lesser range, is implanted >inside the ship. That is how my signals are reaching you.">> Tom: Oh, that makes sense. ><<"Oh,">> Jhosesophae said, <<"that makes sense. [Silence.] Crow: That was uncanny. >How much further away can you reach me from?">> Neph : Two inches. So stand there while I aim... ><<"You can go either 100 more miles in any direction >horizontally or straight up, or 5 feet straight down. The soil >on this planet is interfering with the array.">> Tom It's trying to show us its baby pictures. >Jhosesophae grumbled. <<"Very well. I'm going down the whirlpool >now, and I'm leaving my communicator up here. I will try to >report on a regular basis. Over and out.">> > ><<"Affirmative. Good luck.">> Mike : NOT! BWAHAHAHAHA! >as Bahb fell silent, Jhosesophae looked down into the watery >pit. Thinking about the about the approximate size of the >crystal he was going to need, Neph: It was probably going to be large, unless it was to be small. >and the fact it was probably going to weigh an excessive amount, >he calmly removed his trenchcoat, boots, and jeans, and folded >them neatly behind the microcomputer. All: O_o Mike: Oh dear... >Then, grabbing the stun pistol in his jaws, he plunged beneath >the surface. Crow: RAMBO! MAD MAX! ...Joseph! [Tom chuckles.] >---------------------------------- > >He swam as hard as he could through the narrow passageway. Tom: Whoa! Have we switched to a new fanfic? Neph: I like this new one. >Lower and lower he went into the hole, descending deep into the >heart of the underground caverns. Suddenly, he felt a current >pulling behind him. Mike: Please don't say "pull"... >Instinctively following it, he swam for another few yards until >he slowly began to see a dim light further ahead. Pouring on the >speed, he determinedly swam towards the light, Crow: It wasn't until a few moments later Joseph realized he had run out of breath two minutes ago... >and finally emerged inside an airpocket. As he took some >much-needed oxygen into his system, he glanced around at his >surroundings. Neph : Cool! Chuck E. Cheese! >Meanwhile, a creature was watching the vulpine's movement >withing the tunnel, and silently waited for him to exit it >again. Tom: Uh-oh... I sense lemon... Mike: Tom, Katone said this was only a S-I fic! Tom: He also said it was short... this has been 75k long! >He was floating by the shore of an currently unused crystal >vein. They lined the walls, and glowed with a mysterious, yet >beautiful, light. Crow: As Joseph's charred body stared at the crystals several minutes later, he remembered that energy was used for laser rifles... Tom: Hey bucko, dark riffs are MY occupation. >As he pulled himself onto a slab of granite, he marvelled at the >strange calm that this room seemed to have about it. He stood >there for a minute or two in the inlet, and then resigned >himself to his work. Neph: I'm getting flashbacks of "The Girl with the Plastic Crown." >He found a crystal that appeared to be of medium size, and used >his stun ray to cut it off the side of the cavern. Tom: However, the laser bounced off the cavern wall, and sliced off Joseph's head. >After it had been freed from the wall, he tucked it under his >shoulder, put the stun ray back in his mouthm and dove into the >water. Mike: 5.4 Crow: 6.9 Neph: 2.3453633337643445853 Tom: -34 >This had been much easier than expected, he thought to himself, >and he could probably get off this planet before anyone knew he >was there. Mike: I take it that's supposed to be foreshadowing.... >The creature saw the fox leave the cavern, and silently prepared >itself for a filling meal. >------------------------------------------------------------ Crow: It's Dark Roseanne! >as Jhosesophae swam back through the tunnel, and out toward the >shaft leading back up to the surface, a shape shot past him, >startling him. [Neph hums the Jaws theme.] >He dropped the crystal out of an instinctual reaction to the >threat, and tried to swim as fast as he could up the shaft. Tom: Well, *that* didn't sound right. >But whatever darted past him saw his intent, and wrapped a sort >of tenacle around his leg, restraining his escape. Crow: And remember, Joseph's nude... Mike: CROwwwww... >he turned to face whatever was grabbing him, and suddenly >realized he was in a deep spot of trouble. Mike: Bad dog! See what you did to the rug! >It seemed to be some sort of robotic octupus. But this >particualr model was also outfitted with a Neph:... stereo and A/C! >beak made out of two chainsaws, lazer beam by its eyes, and >incredibly strong tendrils with little spikes on them. Tom: Awww! Look at the cute little spikes! >Very *sharp* spikes, because they hurt a lot and were making him >bleed. Mike: Oh, REALLY? >Pain made him mad. [All chuckle] Crow: Well, at least we know Joseph isn't into bondage. Neph: Pain depresses me. Tom : And when Joseph get mad, Joseph WHINE! >With a sort of psychotic glee, he took the stun pistol from his >mouth and set the device to maximum power. Crow: Oh no! He's going to *STUN* the octopus! >Looking over at the creature, he smiled and shot it a "big >mistake there, pal" look, and blasted the evil thing right in >betwixt the eyes. Neph: My, I didn't know facial expressions were so powerful these days. Tom: Betwixt? Did the author write this for the English class? Mike : F--------. >It released his leg, and seemed to stumble backwards, if such a >thing was possible underwater. But the thing was not yet dead. Crow: Why is Joseph trying to slander this octopus? Maybe it just wanted to say hello. Neph: Whatever the reason is, I'm rooting for the robot. GO OCTOPUS! >It fired several shots of a sort of death-beam at Jhosesophae, >and emitted a "HALT FREEDOM FIGHTER!" at him. Tom: So, even primitive robots in this world have forceful telepathy? >However, since Jhosesophae was not familiar with the Mobian >language, he had no idea that this thing was actually one of Dr. >Robotnik's defense mechanisms that was posted on the outskirts >of the mine's underground river. Mike: Really? I thought it was a robot with Zsa Zsa Gabor's brain in it! Crow: As usual, we must rely on Joseph to tell us these things. >He dodged the beams and blasted the thing right the thing in the >head again with his particular beam weapon. It reeled again from >the impacts, but had one more trick up its robotic sleeves. Neph: A STERN insult! Tom: Was that sarcasm? Neph: To be honest, I'm not sure. This fanfic is starting to hurt. >It whipped one of its tendrils around like a mace and shot >several of the spikes off at Jhosesophae. He was able to dodge a >majority of them, Mike: Of COURSE. >but a few of them caught him in the back, giving the hold in his >leg some company. Crow: Being a hole's lonely, you know. >At this point, Joseph was so incredibly mad at this creature, he >had completly forgotten about the crystal and was now dedicated >to totally decimating the creature once and for all. Tom : MAH GOD! Shamrock's in the ZONE! >He rushed at the octupus and knocked it against the wall. While >it was stunned, Jhosesophae ran at it, Neph: I thought Joseph was already running at the octupus... my head's starting to really hurt. Mike: Just smile and nod, Neph. >and tore at the holes that he had put in the octupus, looking >for anything that looked vital and smashing it to bits. Crow: Whoa. BAD mental image there. >It tried to thrash around, but Jhosesophae would not let it get >away. Finally, he spotted the CPU of the evil machine and >punched it with all his might. Neph: NOOOOOOOOO! The poor robot! >With a single whistle, the machine sunk to the bottom of the >cavern, never to move again. Neph: This... this... is WRONG! DAMN YOU JOSEPH! >Having stopped the threat, Jhosesophae dove down to the bottom >of the cavern. He collected his crystal, and swam back up to the >surface to catch his breath. Tom: So, he was OK while battling with the octupus for five minutes? >He hoped this sort of thing wasn't going to happened to him >often while he was here. Mike: This is called "Foreshadowing." >This planet was becoming less hospitable every day. Neph: But he's only been on Mobius for two days. The point is null. Crow: It's an expression, Neph. Neph: You Terrans have a very weird culture, you know that? >He returned back to the bright sunlight of the surface. Placing >the crystal next to the communicator, he spoke, <<"Bahb, >copy.">> Tom: Carbon or laser-jet? I kill me! ><<"Welcome back, Jhosesophae.">> the device said, <<"Were you >successful in your endevor?">> > ><<"Affirmative. Will this crystal suffice?">> Mike : No, we need a bigger crystal for the science project! >Bahb scanned the crystal. <<"Negative. One more is required of >this size in order to properly replicate the communications >array.">> Crow: So, what are they going to do with the crystals? Just sculpt them into something new? >Jhosesophae sighed. <> He >dreaded returning to the area, in case there were more of the >things that attacked him down there, Tom: Richard Simmons clones! THOUSANDS of them! >but he wanted off this crazy rock extremely badly. Neph: But how could a rock be insane? Tom: Neph...... >He dove back down beneath the water with his stun ray in tow, >and hoped he'd never have to do this again. Mike: We're all with you, Joseph. >------------------------------------- >A few hundred yards away, on a trail leading close by the pool >in question, Bunnie was escorting Tails back to Knothole. Crow: And what sort of "escort" is this? Neph: Perhaps Tails will dock with Bunny. Mike: NEPH! Neph: What? I was merely using some flight lingo, as to make the "escort" joke funnier by 23%. >She'd never say that in front of Tails, of course, becuase Tails >felt he was competant enough to picks some raspberries, which he >had done sucessfully, and take them back to Knothole himself. Tom: *INTENSE**PICKING**ACTION*! >The reason Bunnie was coming along, Tails believed, was because >she was going slightly stir-crazy from hanging around Knothole >so long without going on a mission. Neph: And besides, Tails had *OTHER* plans for Bunny... Mike: NEPH! Neph: What? I was merely going to remark that Tails would use Bunnie's cybernetic arms to carry the raspberries? Mike [sighs]: Carry on. >Besides, Sonic was busy planning his startegy for tonight's >mission, and was unavailable. Crow: Tails often wondered why Sonic and Sally never wanted anyone else to j- Mike: Crow, that joke's incredibly overused. Crow: Yeah, I know. But the visual image is nice! Tom [under breath]: Furvert. Neph: What's a furvert, Tom? Crow: It's a very good person, Neph. [Crow glares at Tom.] >"Thanks for lettin' me come along wit-cha, Tails," Bunnie said, >perpetuating the ruse, "I was gettin kinda bored helpin' out >Rotor all day." Neph: I thought Bunnie had a Southern U.S. accent. She sounds like she's from New York now. Tom: It's the first fic with bad dubbing! >Like Sonic gets tired of eatin' chili dog, she thought, smiling >internally.... Mike: Bunny and Rotor, Crow! How do you like THAT mental image? Crow: Gwa...wa....ARGH! [Crow's body explodes violently.] Mike: Oops. Well, I gotta fix Crow up. Tom, you watch Neph. Tom: ME?! But... Mike: C'mon, he's nice, for an insane alien. [Mike leaves with the remains of Crow.] Tom: NOOOOO.... [Tom looks at Neph, who is staring at Tom.] Tom: Heh heh...hi, Neph. Neph: Hello, Tom. >"It's okay, Aunt Bunnie." Tails said politely, snapping her out >of her daydream. Tom: And her spine in the process. >Suddenly, Tails saw something glitter through the trees by the >pond. He placed his arm out in front of Bunnie, and gestured >toward the pond. In an unspoken understanding, Neph: Hey! Telepathy! >they slipped quietly off the trail and walked in a semicircle >behind the source of the shine. Tom: And they are instantly vaporized. >They slipped almost immediatley behind it when they saw its >source; a large chunk of crystal. Neph: Looks yummy. A Nephilim can eat metal in a pinch, you know. [Tom backs away.] >his puzzled the both of them. That size crystal just doesn't >grow on land. Mike: It needs a permit! >Only ones that are found underground grow that large. "We should >get a closer look," Tails whispered, "in case it *did* just >happen to end up here." Tom: Upon hearing this, the crystal slowly took out its skinning knife... Mike: Feeling dark, Tom? >Bunnie was slightly more conservative. "Ya wanna get yer head >shot off, sugar? This looks like a trap! Tom : But Bunnie, look! It has a sign on it that says, "This is not a trap. Really." >We should go back to Knothole and tell Sal 'bout this." Crow: Among other things...ifyaknowwhatImean! >"And how," Tails muttered, "do you expect to get back to >Knothole? The path is the only way I know of from here." Neph: Well, first you make a diagram... then you labal Knothole part "A"... th- Mike: Neh, why don't you go outside and make this graph, OK? Neph: Certainly! [Neph leaves.] Tom: What a knob. >Bunnie was stumped for an answer. Mike: How DO they cram all that graham? >She didn't know another way either. "Okay, sugar," she said to >Tails, "but you go back to Knothole and tell everyone, okay?" Tom : Tell them Bunnie tired of her life, and she ended it in this area. >Tails nodded, gained some altitude, and flew toward Knothole. Crow: And was shot down by AT-AT guns. >After he was out of sight, she cautiously crept closer to the >pond. As she got closer, she noticed a pair of black boots next >to a pile of clothing, Tom: Ugh... I see where this is going... Joseph and BUNNIE... ARGHHHHHH! Mike: No, that isn't going to happen, T- [Tom's head explodes.] Tom. Crow, hold down the fort. I gotta repair Tom. [Mike leaves with Tom.] Crow: Heh heh heh.... BREAST! Yup, he's gone. >with a microcomputer like Sally had next to it. Crow: And what WERE those functions? [Neph suddenly appears, with a canvas under his arms] Neph: Well, obviously advanced data-storing, ability to differentiate between different situations, and a handy Tetris game loaded in. Crow: WELCOME back, Neph. [Crow grumbles.] >"Y'all went for a swim?" she thought as she crept closer, gazing >upon the crystal. Crow : Yes...yes...gaze upon the crystal! >"Then what d'y'all need such a big crystal for? They don' >float..." Neph: Bunnie is exhibiting one of the classic short-falls of Terran logic: Stupidity. >Suddenly, the computer tweeted threateningly at her. Crow: The "Tweety Bird" security system. >"Halt, Mobian intruder!" it shouted in perfect Mobian. Bunnie >looked downfounded at the machine. "Huh?" she said, confused. Neph: It said to halt, Mobian intruder. >"Halt! Halt!" Crow : Danger! Danger! >Realizing she was still walking, she ceased. "What's your >problem, little computer?" Neph: Oh, now that's BLATANT mechanical discrimination. [Mike and Tom come back] Neph: Hey, you want to see my graph? Tom: Oh, PLEASE. [Neph hands it over] Mike: Neph... this is beautiful. How long did you spend on this? Neph: Oh, three minutes. Having tentacles helps a lot on these things. Now that you've seen it, allow me to dispose of it. [The picture suddenly disappears] Neph: It's now at the incinerator. Mike: Neph... >"You are permitted to go no closer. Go back!" As to accent this >point, the computer somehow fired some energy beams in the air >until she started to back away. Tom: So, a computer the size of a Game Boy is able to fire energy beams? From WHAT?! Mike: Calm down, Tom. We're almost out of heads for you. >Slowly, she backed up, back into the forest, until she noticed >blood in the water, and started putting two and two together. Crow : Uhhh... FIVE! Neph: It's four, actually. Crow: Shut up, Neph. >Clothing by a pool. Blood in the water. A belligerent, armed >computer. Tom: A dancing duck. >And then, two or three bubbles popped on the surface of the >water, as to be sure she understood what was going on her. Mike: Ha ha. Funny. Whee. >She cam to the conclusion that the device was somehow picking >people off who walked by the path (which was no more than >2-3feet from the edge of the water). Crow: Thanks for the information, Mysterious Voice! Neph: It's one of those disgruntled postal computers. >She couldn't just leave the thing there in good conscience >undisturbed. Tom: Go on! Slack off! Be a lazy bum! It's a GOOD thing! Neph: Was that sarcasm? Tom: To be honest, I'm not sure. >So, as she passed by a nearby boulder, she kicked it a the micro >computer. Mike: *Crunch!* Ow! >It fired at the rock, but it ricocheted off the rock and hit >Bunnie's abdomen instead, knocking her unconscious. Neph: Huh... that made NO sense. Tom: Dark Starr was right... the stomach *is* the nerve center of the female body. >As Bunnie hit the ground, the rock hit the microcomputer. Crow : The most electrifying move in sports- entertainment history... THE CORPORATE ELBOW! >If the ground would have been hard, it would have broken it. >However, the soft mud gave way beneath it, and it sunk >underneath it harmlessly. Tom: Oh, THAT'S convenient. >------------------------------------ Mike: We now go to a live action replay of the rebounding rock! >This probably could have been avoided if Jhosesophae had gotten >the last crystal at a slightly more rapid pace. Unfortunatley, >accidents happen, and Jhosesophae surfaced just seconds after >the incident occured. Crow: My, what a sad accident. Neph: Well, as you Terrans say it, excrement occurs. ><<"Bahb,">> Jhosesophae said, wiping water from his eyes, <<"I've got the last crystal. Do you co--">> Suddenly, he noticed >what had happened. Tom: GOOD one, Joseph. ><<"Oh no.">> He turned over the rock, grabbed the communicator, >and wiped it off. <<"Bahb, WHAT DID YOU DO?!">> Before Bahb >could answer, Jhosesophae intervened. Mike: Joseph, king of impatience. [Tom snickers] ><<"NEVER MIND! Just beam everything directly to the sick bay, >STAT!">> Seconds later, all evidence that Jhosesophae ever came >to that pond was gone, aside for some torn-up grass, was gone. Tom: And a huge crater, but craters are seriously overrated. Neph: Everything must have been *very* gone, for the author to tell us twice. >Back on the ship, Jhosesophae was frantically applying some >first aid ro the damaged cybunny. Crow: The medicine of LOVE! ><<"Bahb, you better hope REAL HARD that that was just a stun >ray.">> he cursed, Neph: Somehow, I doubt saying "REAL HARD" qualifies as swearing. Crow: Oh, it sometimes does, my buggish friend. >as he got finished patching Bunnie up. He then rushed back to >the replicator. <<"OK, now what?">> Tom The auditor's here. He has some questions about how you paid for the spaceship. ><<"Place the crystals in the engine core, and I'll take care of >the rest.">> Bahb noted. Jhosesophae complied, sticking the two >large crystals Crow: No, NOT THERE, JOSEPH! Mike: Great. Now I'm gonna have nightmares for the next year. >next to the smaller crystal rods already present. Mike: O_o....I'll get you for what you said, Crow... [Mike retches violently.] >Bahb immediatley set to its work. It first cut out (using >microblasts from the weapons systems) Neph: All the extraneous information from this fic? Tom: You'd need a nuclear bomb to do that, Neph. >the damaged communications array, so that there was a somewhat >jagged hole in the side of the ship. Mike: I thought the array was on the top of the ship... oh well, I forgot time and logic do not apply in this fic. >Then it created a energy pattern similar to a perfectly >functioning communications array and placed it inside the >transporter's energy buffer. Finally, it teleported it over the >hole in the hull that used to be the communications array. Crow [yawns]: Wow, the excitement. Neph: Actually, this might be interesting, except I have no idea what all these devices are. >Afte reinitializing the communications, and by bending several >laws of phsyics, the ship was yet again at 100%. Tom: Yeesh, I think we've found our stinger! Mike: At least our Author is honest he has no idea about how to do all of this. Crow: Yeah, he just wrote this god-awful fanfic. It's not HIS fault! Neph: Yeah! [Neph pauses.] Neph: I think. ><<"Repairs complete,">> spake Bahb, <<"All systems at 100% >efficiency.">> Tom Including the self-destruct system. Goodbye, world! ><<"Good,">> said Jhosesophae. <<"Now, I'm going to put on some >clothing. Please keep our guest in REM sleep for the duration of >my absense.">> Mike : I'm already getting kind of sick of her, though. Make her listen to "Monster", but cut out "What's the Frequency, Kenneth?" Crow: Man, you're cruel. >The ship beeped in complience as Jhosesophae began putting on a >similar outfit; and he wondered how exactly to deal with this >new snag in his plan. Tom: Then Joseph remembered he kept a skinning knife... >Suddenly, he discovered another snag. He was still bleeding >profusely from his legs and back. While this didn't bother him >as such, it was getting all over the carpet. Neph: Are we supposed to laugh here? Mike: Nah, bend over and cry. >So, he wandered back into sick bay, laid down on an unoccupied >slab, and activated the medical robot. Crow: The Monolith from 2001 must really be desperate for work. Neph: Sad, really. >After he was bandaged up, and the cuts and nicks welded shut, he >dressed himself and checked on the damaged cybunny's condition. Tom: Almost cooked! >The sucking hole in her abdomen was healing nicely. In about 5 >minutes, she'd be healed enough to release. Mike: NO, Crow. Crow: What? >Then, he could get off this insane rock, and back into space, >where it was SAFE. Tom: And DELICIOUS. >He was definatley not recommending this place to anyone. >Suddenly, he sensed that she was starting to awaken. Neph: He just KNEW? >He activated the restraining field, and backed up a few paces. Mike: Why the restraining field? Did Bunnie catch rabies? >---------------------------- > >Bunnie slowly started to come out of her forced slumber. Crow: Using old GEORGE BUSH speeches! No one can stay awake during them! Neph: I can. Crow: Figured. >Her head felt like someone had used it to bowl a perfect game. >"ooh, muh head..." she graoned as she tried to sit up. Tom: Does bowling a perfect game also involve sounding like Stallone? >Suddenly, she felt the wound in her stomach, winced, and laid >back down again. Sitting up was not something she was going to >do for awhile. Mike: Well, I guess that destroys her chances for ever becoming a Kane stand-in. >"Please don't do that." a synthesized voice uttered. Crow: HAL? That you? >"Huh?" Bunnie groaned, and opened her eyes. Neph: It's the president, and he's- wait, we already did that. Tom: Yup. >The room was white. White, and lit by some unknown source. She >was laying on one of the many slabs that were around the room. A >single doorway lead out directly in front of her. A monitoring >unit was to her left, appently keeping track of her life signs. >A tall, thin orange fox was monitoring it. Mike [imitates a trumpet sound]: Presenting, OUR HERO! Crow: Sir Joseph of Whininess! Neph: Duke of Plot Contrivances! Tom: King of Smugness! >This obviously wasn't Robotropolis. If it was, they'd finish her >off right now. Mike: But Joseph had planned a long, AGONIZING for her! Crow: Mike, you're scaring me. >But if it wasn't Robotropolis, and it certainly wasn't Knothole, >where was she? Neph: Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory! >"Hey," she muttered and waved her robotisized arm at the >figure, "you there!" Tom: Little bit of service here! >The figure either didn' hear her, or didn't understand her. >Jhosesophae heard the creature 'making noise' at him, Mike: After all, Joseph is not to be concerned with mere mortals! >and said <<"Bahb, does the creature appear to be sentinent?">> >Bunnie could only look puzzled. <<"It appears so,>> Bahb said, ><<"Also, she wasimplanted with cyber netic limbs that seem to be >poisoning her.">> Joseph hmmmed. Crow : Get all your foreshadowing at the Shadow Hut! Imminent death clues are half-off! ><<"Well, we'll ask her about that later. Neph: He procrastinates? Well, he's not my idol any more. Tom: Was he your idol before? Neph: No, why would he be? Tom: Because saying that he's not y-Oh forget it. I like this head. >Please create a translation program, and prepare to upload it to >my cranial jack via the dataspike.">> Mike: Uhhh... yeah. >Bahb beeped in compliance, and a wall in the back of the room >suddenly grew a 4-inch long silver spike. Crow: Okay.... Neph: I know! It's a crossover between Hellraiser and Sonic! Tom: As long as they torture Antoine, I'll be happy. >Bunnie watched as the figure walked over to the wall, turned >around to have his back to it, and shoved his skull up to its >hilt. Mike : That's GOTTA hurt! >A slight hum filled the room as an electrical pulse entered the >figure's skull. A minute or two later, he removed his skull from >the spike (which retreated back into the wall) with no ill >effects. All [quietly]: Damn. >"Well," Jhosesophae said in proper Mobian, "am I coherent to you >now?" Crow: Oh, he lost his little bracket speech bubbles! Neph: I miss them already. >Bunnie weakly nodded. "Good. It's always kind of annoying when >one lands on a planet and doesn't know the language." Tom: Sound familiar, Mike? Mike: Yeah... 1978... trapped in Bulbaria for two weeks, nobody spoke English... then I met a beautiful woman, who taught me the language of love.... Crow: Hm. Were you also taking acid at that time too, Mikey-kins? Mike: Well, yes, but I don't see why-HEY! [Crow chuckles.] >He smiled, and walked closer to the discombobulated >semi-metallic rabbit. Neph: I'm getting vaguely uncomforatable. >"You took quite a shot there, young female. If you had been any >closer to my device when it went off," His smile fluxuated >slightly. Tom: So Joseph's got a tick. Lovely. >"Well, let's just say having children wouldn't be an option." Mike: So THIS is what hell feels like. Lovely. >He perked up again. Crow : Fortunatley, you can, and I haven't been getting any in a few centuries, so.... >"Luckily for you, the blast only shredded some of your abdomenic >"muscles, and didn't cut any deeper. Tom : So now you can experience the great Valbowski in the first person, baby... >The healing pad," He gestured at the white gauze-like pad taped >to her stomach. "you have one should return you to normal in >about 2 or 3 minutes." Mike: Somehow, I have trouble believing a piece of cloth can heal an internal injury. >Jhosesophae took a deep breath. "Okay, do you have any >questions?" Crow: Are you going to boff her, or what? Neph: How does one bend the laws of physics? Tom: Are you an idiot, or do you just play one in this fanfic? Mike: Why can't you just end the fic and let us live? >"Who are you? *WHAT* are you? Why are you here?" Crow : Uhh...pass, next question! >"Ah," Jhosesophae said, "the inquisitive type. That sort of >attitude gives me hope for this planet." Neph: I'm inquisitive! What about my planet? Katone [VO]: Neph, your planet gives me about as much hope as a Richard Simmons tape. Now shut up. Neph: Yes, my liege. >He bowed. "I am Jhosesophae, formerly of the planet Ur'thae. Tom: Ur-earth-i. Earth... oh crap, we got direct self-insertion! Mike: Batton the hatches. >Mentally, I am 18 years old. Crow: Lower number, Joseph, MUCH lower. >Physically, I am 315. You see, I am a cybernetic device that is >used as a manner of immortality by containing the sum of my >meat-brain's neural pathways encrypted in my circuitry. Neph: Look, my race is EONS past you, Terran writer, and I still have NO idea what you're talking about. >And I came here because my ship's communications array was >damaged." Tom: So, is this the 43rd time Joseph's told us about the communications array? Mike: I've lost count. >Bunnie blinked. "Could you explain that in more detail?" > >Jhosesophae shrugged. "As you wish..." All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! >--------------------------------------------- Mike: Here's the fic's pulse... >"About 300 years ago, there was a planet around a star...a very >large distance...away from here. [Crow hums the MST3K theme song.] >This planet was mainly populated by what you call 'foxes'. Tom: An entire planet comprised of Nitro Girls? Not bad, not bad at all... Mike, do we have vacation leave here? Mike: Nope, Katone abolished that. Tom: Damn. >They had achieved massve technological breakthroughs, such as a >propultion system than enabled them to travel faster than light, >artificial intelligence, and the ability to transfer energy into >matter, and matter into energy." Neph: You know, considering Terran foxes only walk on four legs, and have no opposable thumb to pick up things with, I have to say this is a pretty far stretch. Crow : Joseph, while on your "planet", was lead your primary material for drinking cups? >He let this sink in. Tom: Duh! We is are stupid! Joseph are kings of world! >"For a reference point, my world was about 100 years ahead of >your in technical prowness before whatever happened here >happened." Mike : Of course, we would always have been ahead of you. NYAH-NYAH! >"However, unlike your world, mine was not a peaceful one. Crow : Everybody kept on getting on each other's nerves! I don't know why, I mean, everybody there was just like me, and I'm a god! >Wars raged continuously over the most valuable technology on the >planet; the neural transfer device. Neph: Right. Tom: It makes it seem you're in the TV! If you couldn't move, and if no one paid attention to you. >This device, when used in conjunction with a android body with a >neural net, could replicate the thought patterns of any >individual and transfer them into the android's form." Mike: So... what else does it do? Does it have a Pentium III processor with 3D graphics? Crow: I am NOT impressed. Neph: Fools! This is an incredible discovery! We could transfer our minds into thousand of bodies, creating an invincible army! Tom: Mike as a soldier? THERE'S a stretch. Mike: Hey! >"The main problem with this sort of technology was, of course, >the religious element. Crow: Like when they were selling William Shatner's soul. Neph: Who would want that? Tom: Me, for one. Transfer him into a weak little human, transfer MY soul into a hulking battle-mech... Mike: This is EXACTLY why I locked up the time machine, Tom. >Several of the settlements on the western continent felt this >technology stripped the soul from the essence, thus causing a >scream of psychic agony after tranfer was complete. Crow: Sort of like being forced to look at Roseanne Barr in thong underwear with your vocal cords slit. >This was, hypothetically, causing a major disruption in the >psychic plane, and therefore had to be stopped before the wave >started effecting the physical plane." Tom: And then, the CHOCOLATE plane. >"Of course, very few individuals on the eastern continent, where >my father (the inventor of the process) Tom: Sometimes, I think that Mysterious Voice is our only friend in this fic. >and I lived, wanted to give up the chance to >further advance science by escaping the limitations of the flesh. Crow: Well, there is a problem. Neph: What? Crow: How can you have sex? Neph: Terran, those petty concern are exactly why my race will triumph over yours. >So, a law was passed; those who wanted to become android versions >of themselves moved to the east, while those who did not moved to >the west." Mike: The History of the World, written by Conspiracy Inc. >"Well, you'd THINK this would solve the problem, but it didn't. Crow: Soon, the Westers started to annoy the Easters, transferring their souls into blenders, cars, etc. >The western continent simply became more infuriated at the people >in the east, Neph: Well, if they had stopped worrying about sex, this whole thing might have been stopped. But Terans are idiots, so... >because they were now isolated from them physically, >psychologically, *and* mentally. Tom: Well, at least they're linked to them idiotically. >Not only that, but the western continent was far more populous >and prosperous than the east. The move only allowed the fanatical >west to stew in their own juices." Mike: Preheat their oven to 350 degrees, add curry powder to themselves... >"So, the spritual (and not surprisingly, political as well) >leaders of the east decided their eternity could tolorate no more >psychic warping, Crow: No more gender-bending, either. >or the spirit world was going to burst into this reality, [All except Neph snicker.] >or some horse-hockey >like that, and thus motivated the people to war against the west." Neph: Wait, I'm confused. Who's the bad guy? I thought the west were the angry and fanatical ones, but now it seems like the east is also evil. Tom: I think Joseph's just spitting out words now. >"The wars raged on and off for years. Major damage was done to >both continents. Mike: Huge rubber-band missiles devastated the landscape. >Deforestation from napalm runs caused the environment to >slowly collapse, and beam weaponry destroyed most external >structures." Crow: Wow. I *almost* care. >"Finally, the world could take no more. The individuals in the >east, being purely organic, were dying from the inhospitable >environment. Tom: Hey, are they living on Mike's armpit? Neph: That would be nearly impossible. Are you feeling anything warm under your armpit, Mike? Mike: No, Neph. But thanks for caring. >The west, >however, was only annoyed by it. Finally, the east came to a >decision. Crow: There would be casual Fridays. >Since they could not, and would not, escape the very unfortunate >weaknesses of the flesh by cyborgization, they decided NOBODY >would. Neph: See? Now the East is evil again! >They >sabotaged the Central Crystal, which powered the entire planet, >and the planet was suddenly turned into a giant bomb." Tom: OK, now that's just silly. Central Crystal? What's next, the Important Emerald? >"We had 1 hour to live." Mike: So, what am I supposed to feel here? Happiness? >"My father..." He bowed his head slightly, took a breath, and >continued. Crow: Your father apparently exposed you to neurotoxins when you were a kid, Joseph. >"My father gave me the greatest gift he possibly could. He had >been designing a special cyborg body for me, that would be >stronger, faster, heal quicker, and had a better sensory array >than any other cyborg on Ur'thae. Neph: We can make him stronger... faster... more delicious. >He was intending to port my intelligence into it on my 21st >birthday. However, due to the impending disaster, he grabbed me, >knocked me unconscious, and started the process." Tom: ARGH! No, don't do it! You'll destroy the minds of all Sonic fanfic readers! Mike : Remember, he is NOT your son. >"I awoke 5 minutes before the planet exploded. I was in this >body, and I was in a sort of a daze. Crow: Yeah, midterms will do that to you. >My father said to me, `Son, I cannot escape, but >you can. Take this star vessel,' and he gestured to the saucer >which you and I now reside, `take this star vessel, and get far >from this world. Neph : I'm sick of looking at you. >Take the knowledge of this planet with you, and teach the rest of >our universe of our mistakes.' Tom : Teach the world the perils of smugness. Mike : But I ignored him, and I'm now a violent, smarmy jerk! Crow: I love a good moral. >He embraced me, and whispered he loved me into my ear. [Tom retches off screen.] >Then, he forced me onto the ship, for I did not want to leave him >to die by himself, and I shot away from my home, my >birthplace...my father..." Neph : My Tinkertoys... Tom : My dignity... Mike : My Beatles records... Crow : My hos... >"I *wanted* to turn back, but he had programmed the ship not to. >By the time I was able to regain control, there were two stars in >my solar system instead of one. Neph: What? Did one of them make a bad movie? >They had all been utterly destroyed because of a matter of >philosophy..." Tom: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! ...excuse me. >He continued on, fighting back tears. "We were very close. He >and I worked together on experiments since I was but a kit. Mike : I don't care NOW, though! >But he gave me the >great burden of sharing the knowledge, history, and culture of my >world with the universe, and the near-infinite time needed to do >so." Crow: I feel like this FANFIC is near infinite. >"After a period of mourning, I programmed the ship to seek out any >signals from planets with intelligent life, set coordinates for >them, and awaken me when we arrived. Neph: Then, ready the Tiamat's Planet destroying cannon... savor the feeling of pain all inhabitants will feel soon.... Tom: Neph, you scare me. A lot. >I then entered the ship's single cryogenic chamber, and >the reason my father could not go with me, and slept for over 300 >years." Mike: The future ain't what it used to be... Crow: Stealing MiSTing series' mottos... Mike, you're low. >"I awoke on this world just a day ago. The only reason we stopped >here was because the communications array had failed. Neph: You know, I think the communications array is the only thing holding this fic together. Tom: You didn't notice that until now? >Since we were not only forced >to land here, but this planet had large deposits of crystal, I >went out to mine some out of an underground cavern; Mike: Yes, yes, moving on... >and after I slayed a large metallic >octupus which tried to destroy me, I met with positive results." Crow "Unfortunately, you must have discovered the small pool which I >dove into to acquire said crystal, Neph : Which nearly blew up your said butt. >with my small microcomputer defense mechanism >guarding it. You must have kicked that boulder at it with >your...augmented...legs, and it fired upon it to defend itself. Tom: Please, stop the flashbacks! >Unfortunately, it richoceted off the rock, and hit you. I >discovered you lying there and teleported us and the crystals I >had mined back to the ship." Mike : Then, I got some. >Jhosesophae calmed down considerably. "Now, I have repaired my >ship, and I will leave your planet. All: YAY! Crow: My, this was a rather pointless fic... Neph: Um...guys, I forgot to tell you this, but... the fic is, all total, 1200 kb. [Tom is silent.] Mike: Oh, dear. Crow: I hate my life. >Now, I give you a choice. Since you are >somewhat similar to myself, I will give you a chance that nobody >else on this world has. Neph: A new car? Tom: A chance to have more screen time than Sonic? Mike: An Atari? Crow: A vibrator? >You can travel the universe with me, because I have just >enough power left in the replicator to create another cryonic >chamber, or you can remain here." Tom: How bout' you kill us all right now? Mike: C'mon Tom, we've gone through worse. >Jhosesophae ceased speaking. Bunnie blinked again. All [except Neph, of course]: *INTENSE* *BLINKING* *ACTION*! >"Uhh..." Crow: Bunnie isn't that hot at the brains department, eh? Neph: Yes, and she's not smart either. >Jhosesophae held up his hands. "Please, take your time in >deciding. I'm in no particular rush. Tom : C'MON! HURRY UP! YOUR BRAIN FRY?! GET A MOVE ON! >Besides, you need to stay here just a bit longer, >because your stomach is still damaged. I'll be back in a few >minutes, and you can tell me your answer then." He smiled, and >walked out of the room. Mike: Bunnie began to plan a route of escape from this madman at that moment... >Bunnie started mulling this over in her mind. She could finally >escape the clutches of Robotnik. Crow: O_o... urp... Neph: You, know, I'm beginning to understand the subliminal messages in this fic... Terrans are repulsive creatures. >Maybe this person could de-roboticize her. And she >could do something no Mobian had done before; visit another >planet. Tom: Maybe the audience doesn't care at this point. >But, she remembered what Robotnik had done to her. What he did >to other people. What he was doing to other people! Mike: Forcing them to read long, stupid, pretentious fanf-oh wait, that's us. >Then, she thought of the friends >she'd leave behind. Tails, Sonic, Sally and Rotor. Crow: I'd think that would be a reason that she would want to leave. >They were probably >looking for her! She had completely forgotten about that. No, >she could NOT leave. Neph: Oh, *joy*. The dilemma has been resolved. >Jhosesophae walked back in. He removed the bandage from her >stomach. "Well, that looks a LOT better now than it did before." Tom: Boom-schka-lacka-bow-wow... >She looked down >and didn't even see a scar. Mike: I didn't know cloth was so... healing. Crow: Well, put a plot contrivance field around it... >"The muscle tissue will come back in a few >days." he said, and grinned at her again. "So, what do you say, >uh...." Neph : Whoops, ran out of memory. >"Bunnie." she said, "Bunnie Rabbot." Tom: Yes, Joseph cares so much about you that he doesn't even ask for your name until you're ready to blast off. >"Ah, Miss Rabbot. Yes. So, do you wish to travel the 12 >Galaxies with me, or do you wish to stay here?" Mike: Only 12 galaxies? Man, the universe is small. Crow : Ar, sail the seven seas with m' hearties! Neph: Seven seas on the earth? That's all? I thought there was at least some oceans. Crow: Shut up, Neph. >"I gotta stay 'ere, sugar. I'm needed." Tom : I've got a contract with the Godfather. >"Needed?" Jhosesophae said. "But this planet's been trashed. >Why would anyone be needed here?" Mike: It's called "devotion," Joseph. Read about it. >And Bunnie told him why. She explained what had happened on >Mobius, and what had happened to her. She told him about the >Freedom Fighters, and the fight against Robotnik. Crow: The blood, the anguish... Neph: The technical specs... Tom: The pure, unadulterated BOREDOM... Mike: The wackiness! >This struck a chord in Jhosesophae. He lifted up Bunnie's >robotic arm. "So that...animal...did this to you?" Crow: Hey, Joseph also has a short attention span. Neph: Maybe he's repeating himself so HE can remember. Tom: I think we have a winner! >Bunnie nodded sadly. Mike: Uh... boo-hoo? >"I understand why you cannot leave. What is happening on this >planet should not be allowed to spread to other worlds." He >helped Bunnie to her feet. "Come on, we're going to drop you >off in style." Crow: Right into the Boston River with cement shoes! >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >- - - - - - >Knothole was abuzz with activity. Neph: The King of Cartoons was coming! >The rumor was that Bunnie was somehow >captured by Robotnik via some sort of trap. Tom: It was ingenious. A crate, supported by a stick with a string tied around it... >They had searched the forest >for her, after Tails had returned to Knothole and told them of >the mysterious crystal in the woods. Mike: The Central Crystal? >A search party was sent out to the site,but they found nothing >but some torn-up grass, and a few drops of oil and >blood floating in the water. Crow: Oh yeah, and some Playboys. >When they went down to the pool to take a >closer look, all they found was a trashed sentrybot that guarded >a crystal mine they had not known about before. No Bunnie. Neph: They found Elvis, though. >The search parties returned unsucessfully, and everyone was >starting to worry. Tom [yawns]: Yup, I'm worried. >"You think that a 'bot patrol got her, Sally? There's been a >lot more of those lately..." Sonic asked. Mike: Sonic took the "Bahb style of reasoning" course. >Sally shrugged. "I don't know, Sonic. We can't find her >anywhere." Crow : Oh well, too bad. FIRST DIBS ON HER STUFF! >Sonic paced around impatiently. "Well, Sal," he said, "I'm not >gonna wait around any longer. Neph : Enough is enough, and it's time for a change. >I'm gonna hit the refinery and then check the prison >blocks for her." Tom : Then, check the Lego Blocks! >Sally said, "Sonic, please..." Mike: Oh yes, the Sonic/Sally concerned argument. Oldest plot device in Sonic fanfics. >Sonic scowled. "You can't stop me now, Sal. I've got my power >ring, and I'm gonna come back with Bunnie. It's juice time!" Crow: And with that, Sonic enlists the help of O.J. Simpson to help find the TRUE kidnapper of Bunnie! >With a burst of speed, Sonic was nowhere in sight. "Good luck," >Sally whispered, her soul filled with dread. Neph: Hm... I'd use a pump to get that dread out. Preferably, the 34RT-X brand. >Suddenly, the sky began to darken. People began rushing out of >their huts, and glancing to the sky. Tom: So, now we're watching ID4? >An round shadow blocked out the sun that seemed to >be larger than the entire village. Panic spread like wildfire. >Nobody knew what the shadow was, nor if it was Robotnik. Mike: Only one thing is that large... Crow: You mean, it's... Mike: Yes. Dodoria. >Then, two sparkling >outlines appeared in the center of Knothole. Sally rushed out >to meet them, expecting the worst. Neph: Lucy in the sky with diamonds? >After another few seconds, the outlines solidified into the >forms of Bunnie and Jhosesophae. Tom: Surprise, surprise. >"Hey there, Sally-girl!" Bunnie shouted, and rushed over >toward Sally and gave her a big hug. Mike: *CRUNCH*! Yes, I'm bitter. >Jhosesophae just stood there. Sally >had a puzzled look on her face. "Umm, Bunnie..." Bunnie kept on >talking. >"Boy, wait 'till I tell ya what hap'ened to ME today!" >"Bunnie..." >"I tell ya, it'd make a pretty good novel." Mike: It's of novel-length. Close enough. >"Bunnie!" Bunnie snapped out of >her excited stupor. "What, Sally?" "Who is that?" Sally said, >and pointed at the tall, thin, orange vulpine. Crow: C'mon! He's housetrained! >Bunnie walked over to Jhosesophae, took his hand, and led him >over to the Princess. "This is...uh, how do you pronounce it?" Neph: Kstisedyurysjvg. Tom: How did you do that? Neph: Nephilim have unusual vocal chords. >"Jhosesophae." he said. Mike : Again, how do you pronounce his name? [Tom snickers] >"This is Joseph," Bunnie said, "and he's come from, uh..." Crow: Elbonia. >"Ur'thae." Neph : Or something like that. >"Earth." Tom: When foxes RULED THE WORLD! >Sally shook the stranger's hand. "Hello, Joseph." Jhosesophae >shook back. "Hello, Sally. Your planet is very...uh...nice." Mike : Uh...do you buy that? >She smiled, and said "Thank you, Joseph. I'm afraid that it's >not in the best of conditions now, but it used to be quite >beautiful." Crow: And so was Zsa Zsa Gabor. >He smiled. "I'm sure it was, once." Neph: Could someone, as you Terrans word it, break the ice? >Then, Sally remembered Sonic's mission. "Bunnie, Sonic thinks >you've been captured by Robotnik! He'll rush right into his >clutches! We've gotta warn him somehow?" Tom: I don't know? Mike: Buy 1, get one free? Crow: Set phasers on stun? Neph: I like mittens? >Bunnie said, "But how, sugar? Nobody's faster than Sonic!" Tom: Gee, I wonder how... >"Nobody, perhaps," said Joseph, "but not nothing." He looked up >at his ship. He activated his communicator. <<"Bahb, three to >beam up.">> Mike: Hey, look! Crow: The brackets are back! All: YAY! >In a >flash of a molecular limbo competition, they were gone. Neph: OK, now I *know* Joseph is making this all up. >The ship pulled >away from Knothole, leaving the astonished citizens to gawk at >the beauty of the vessel. Tom: Be-auty-ful! >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >- >- - - - - >"This is incredible!" yelled Sally as the ship rocketed through >the upper atmosphere, its cloak activated. "Your people had >these sort of ships?" Mike : Hell no! I stole this ship, then killed the ship's makers! What do you think, our race was smart? >"Yes," he said, "they did. But this is just a mere two-seater. >Some of the larger ships were quite glorious." Crow: Some could fly for more than five minutes! >They coasted above Robotropolis, completely unnoticed by the >sensors of Robotnik. "Now, let's see if we can find your >friend." He activated the sensors, and scanned for organic >life. Neph : Let's see... doughnuts... ants... snot... blood... carcass of hedgehog... >Sure enough, he detected a signal >by the only refinery left standing. "Your friend is going to >get his butt shot off," Joseph said, "unless we give him a >little bit of help." Tom : I say we just leave him and rent a movie. >Meanwhile, on the surface, Sonic was running for his life. He >had walked right into a trap, alright. Mike: He KNEW that the free coffee offer was too good to be true. >There were more SWAT Bots there than he had >ever seen in his life. He had to use his bombs to blast his way >out of the refinery, but didn't do much damage to it otherwise. Crow: What? Sonic's in danger? This is unheard of! Neph: 89% chance Joseph will save his butt. >Now, he was dodging >lazer fire from every angle, and was probably going to meet his >maker on this one. That really irritated him. Tom: Yeah, death is uncool. >He'd never get to see Sally again, >he thought as he jumped behind a small wall. And they'd gotten >Bunnie as well. That REALLY steamed him. Mike: And now he was starting to sweat! Would the annoyances ever end? >Robotnik was not only going to get him, >but Bunnie as well. He was getting ready to suck lazer when the >firing stopped. Crow : Whoops! Our shift is over. Well, see you tommorrow, Sonic! >He heard a figure walking toward him. He turned around to face >whatever demise awaited him. As he suspected, it was Robotnik. Neph: Uh, oh no? >"Well, hedgehog," Robotnik growled, gloating, "looks like you've >run out of luck." He laughed. Tom: Kill Sonic. >"You've got nowhere to run now, do you? At last, I've >FINALLY got you right where I want you!" He waved his arms >around to show Sonic the hopelessness of his situation. Tom: Kill Sonic now. >"You move, they fire. You don't >move, I fire. You've lost, hedgehog!" He laughed again, >louder, enjoying his triumph. Tom: Just do it. >"I won't give you the honor of being robotized by your >uncle's device! I'm just going to kill you right now, and I'm >going to make him carry your blackened, smashed carcass into the >center of Robotropolis, and hang it from the highest tower!" Tom: HURRY UP! >Laughing again, he >raised his beam weapon pistol at Sonic's head. "Good-bye, >hedgehog." Tom: YES! YES! NOW! >As if the hand of a god had swept Sonic up, he was suddenly >surrounded by an energy field, which deflected Robotnik's shot. >"WHAT??!! NOOO!!!!!!" Tom [sighs]: I knew it.... Mike: You can see Robotnik's really angry by all those exclamation points. Tom: ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Crow: That was... unexpected. >he swore, as Sonic began to dematerialize. "You'll never >destroy mee...." Sonic said as he disappeared into nothingness. Neph: Whoops, guess he was destroyed! Well, what's on the WWF's Monday Night programming? >And then Robotnik was incapable of coherent speech for several >hours afterward. Tom: It's called a "plot contrivance," Robotnik. Get used to them. >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >- - - - - - - >The ship slowly made its way back to the Great Forest, as Bunnie >filled in both Sally and Sonic about their new friend's life. >They cheered about Sonic's safe return, and the mood was rather >jovial. Mike: And there was much rejoicing. All [blandly]: Yay. >"Even though we didn't get that last refinery destroyed," said >Sonic, "it was still worth the power ring to throw Robotnik into >such a huff." Crow: Wait, I thought that that was... Tom: But the energy field... Crow: Not from power ring... Tom: Confusion approaching near-critical levels... Crow: Overload is immine- [Crow and Tom explode.] Neph: Yipes. Oh well, the fic's almost over. We can wait until then. >He >giggled a little bit. "Man, I thought I was a goner. Bet >Butt-nik thought so, too. Boy, he's gotta be real mad." Mike: Ha ha! Torturing an old man is funny! >Then, the lights began to dim inside the ship. "Oh no," said >Joseph, "this does not look good. Bahb, what's wrong?" Bahb >beeped, "WARNING: Power levels at 25% and dropping. Cloak >dropping in 3 minutes. Propultion deactivating in 5 minutes." Neph : Coffee Machine deactivating...Magic Fingers shutting down... >Joseph growled, "Bahb, I thought you said that we'd have enough >power to repair the communications array and get off this >planet." Mike : I LIED! BWAHAHAHAHA! >Bahb simply uttered, "You didn't give any higher parameters than >that, Jhosesophae. I used most of the ship's power in repairing >the array." Neph: Boy, that's one uncreative, dense creature, eh? Mike: Er... yeah, totally. >Joseph pounded the dashboard and swore. Mike : GOD DARN IT! >"What does that mean?" Sonic said. Neph : It means were deader than Mark Hamil's acting career. >"It means I'm going to be here for a while." said he. "Good >thing my landing site is only a minute away." Mike : Or was that only an hour away? >The ship slowly drifted over the site where he had parked last >time, and suddenly dropped right onto it. The passengers were >jostled, but not seriously injured. Neph: Except for a few decapitations, but that was all. >A collective groan went over the ship as they got out >of their seats and departed the ship. Mike: Depart in an orderly lin-AIEEEEE! >Joseph looked at the ship. "Well, so much for my vacation at >Alpha Centauri." Neph: Ha ha. Funny. >It wasn't damaged as much as it was submerged. The nose end of >the ship had sunk into the ground, leaving the rear sticking up >at a 80 degree angle. The cloaking drones, however, had made >the ship appear from the sky to jut be an especially tall tree, >surrounded by several smaller ones. Mike: Whoops! Joseph just landed in Yoda's yard! Neph: The drone also added several lawn gnomes. >"Well," Joseph sighed, "You guys got any vacancies in that >Knothole?" Mike : Yup! Someplace called the Bates Motel... >"Why yes, we do." Sally said as they walked off toward Knothole, >Sally explaining several things to Joseph the whole time they >walked away. Neph: Is it? Could it be? >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >- - - - - > Yo, it's the end. >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >- - - - - Mike and Neph: YAYYYYYYY! Crow and Tom [Gurgling, crackly voice]: Y-ay... Mike: C'mon, let's go. [Mike picks up the remains of Tom and Crow.] (6...5...4...3...2...1) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - SOL Mike was putting the finishing touches on Tom and Crow, who looked as good as new. Mike looked at the bots with relief. "You know, it's a good thing Gypsy managed to tap some of Katone's plot contrivance power into this bottle during the last fanfic." Mike picked up a small bottle, and threw it away. "You guys were fairly disintegrated, as robots go. Fortunately, plot contrivances can fix anything." Tom booted up to life, and immediately started to whine. "Geez, do you think we should go to a flashback to explain what happened in the theater right now? I mean, I've almost forgotten." Mike sighed. "Look Tom, I know that fic was hard, but we can take it. Or else, Katone will rule the world. And we don't want that to happen? Right?" "YOUR world, Nelstone. Not mine. As long as Katone gave me 500 Nutty-Buddys to pay for my surrender... but speaking of conquering races, where's Nephie? Not that I care." Tom was immediatley answered by a loud clanging outside the ship. "What's that?" "Sounds like foreshadowing." said Crow. Mike quickly opened up the window that lead to the outside of the Satellite of Love. ----------------------------------------------------- SPACEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Neph could be seen, using a hammer on a wodden box wrapped in tin foil, that was spintered into a crystal like substance (if it could be called anything). Neph suddenly noticed he was being watched, and waved one of his claws at them. "'Ello, Terrans! Guess what I'm making!" ------------------------------------------------------ SOL "Bad modern art?" "A Central Crystal?" "A splintered Tupperware Bowl?" "Tupperware? Mike, can't you do anything right?" "Well, you took all the good ones!" "Bite me, Nelson." ------------------------------------------------------- INTERGALATIC? Neph looked bored at the conversation, and waited for a gap to interrupt. "No, idiots, this is a communications array. I ordered it off the Internet. Did you know that Joseph had his own online shop? Well, anyway, I figured that your lives on the SOL was too boring. And as we ALL know, the communications array in Starship Down started, and faciltated, almost all of the action in that fic. So, why shouldn't it work for us? However, I have yet to figure out how it wor-" Neph was abruptly cut off as a large asteroid destroyed both the communications array, and knocked Neph off the SOL, screaming all the way. He could be faintly heard. "Team Prophecy's blasting off againnnnnnn...." --------------------------------------------------------- SOL Mike slapped his head. "Oh yeah, a plot contrivance astroid." As he said it, the MADS' light begin to go off. "Wait, Chiggy von Richthofen is calling." Mike tapped the light. --------------------------------------------------------- TIAMAT Katone looked at Mike, and the bots. "OK, what happened to Neph?" He didn't let the SOL answer before continuing. "Nevermind, I'll just teleport him back here. Reality-altering magic is SO useful." Katone waved his hands in a grand florish. ---------------------------------------------------------- SOL Neph appeared, slightly bewildered. "Wow... after I was hit by that asteroid, I felt like I had never felt before...I thought I was better than everyone, even my equal brothers were scum below me." "It's called an EGO, Neph." replied Mike. Neph's eyes widened slightly. "So THAT'S what an ego is. Fascinating." ----------------------------------------------------------- TIAMAT Katone stared impatiently at the screen. "Well, now that we're done with our cute little reunion, let's talk about ME. You see, Neph I've been studying some of your culture's arts and literature. And I've discovered some interesting things. Your paintings and sculpture are of complex geometrical figures with no color at all. Your books are long mathematical equations with characters representing the numbers. Plays try to demostrate nearly impossible scientific properties. Simply put, my dim-witted little bug, your race is as BORING as hell." ----------------------------------------------------------- SOL Neph looked angry. "HEY! Our race is very interesting! We don't just have equations and properites in our books! We have... well... okay, that *is* all we have, but it doesn't mean we're boring!" ----------------------------------------------------------- TIAMAT Katone sighed. "Yes, it does Neph. But anyway, your race was in turmoil until I came." ----------------------------------------------------------- SOL "Actually, my liege, our race had destroyed hundreds of civilizations before you came. In fact, despite their inferior technologies, we're losing the war currently." ----------------------------------------------------------- TIAMAT "Shut up, Neph. Now, although I've helped your race immensely, I'm afraid just one genius can't save your civilization. So, I've entered an alliance. Catbert, appear." Catbert immediatley walked in, on the shoulders of the dreaded Pointy-Haired Boss. ----------------------------------------------------------- SOL Mike slmmed his fist on the table in a melodramtic fashion. "Katone... you *monster*...." Crow snickered. ----------------------------------------------------------- TIAMAT "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm scared." muttered Catbert. "You see, Katone and I have merged our 'companies' together. In return for the Joseph Saga, Katone will give me all the Nephilim technology I need to conquer the universe I preside in,plus a few other I deem important. But more on those as time goes on. Plus, I gave him this new servant." Catbert pointed at the PHB. "We'll be the first company in space! It's a Mousetrap!" "Shut up, Boss. And it's Monopoly." ----------------------------------------------------------- SOL Neph began to sniffle. "You mean... I'm not your servant anymore?" ----------------------------------------------------------- TIAMAT Katone rolled his eyes. "Yes Neph. However, you're still a employee in my company, so I'll use you when it's necessary. And your first assignment is watching the entire Joseph series. Have a nice day, Neph." Katone snickered a bit. "Now, break off com-link, boss." The PHB fumbled over, and pushed the button. As the screen faded into static, his voice could be heard. "So, you guys got doughnuts?" FIN Keith's notes: Well, that was fun, wasn't it? Nearly 150k long. Kudos to Alicia Ashby for editing this, and providing suport all the way. Thanks to Joseph for writing this horrid little fic that made me enjoy MSTing again. But no personal insult meant to you, of course. I just hate your S-I character. The SOL and it's original crew members are owned by Best Brains Inc. Catbert and the Pointy-Haired Boss are owned by Scott Adams. The Tiamat and idea of Nephilim are owned by Origin Systems Inc., although Katone and Neph are owned by myself. You can use them (as if anyone would want to) as long as you don't put them in any anti-fics or lemons(O_o). So, until next time,PROPHECY FOREVER! Alicia's Notes: Adam Chris Leigh. DJ Croft. Pat Lee. Joseph. Joseph was actually one of the very first major Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic series... maybe that explains why everyone became convinced that it was so good. It doesn't explain, though, why the series never got found by fodder-hungry MiSTies until now, years after it was originally published. Joseph's not terrible, as fanfic series go, but that didn't stop Keith turning it into one damned funny MiSTing that I was honored to edit. I still can't believe Keith is going to take on the whole series! Well, I'll stick with it as long as he does, so see you all next time! ^_^ ______________________________________________________________ >A rapid exchange of carbon diozide for oxygen occured, and his >appendeges were properly recalibrated.