Opening notes: Well, it's the next story in the wacky saga of Jhoesophae! Again, innumerable thanks to Alicia for editing this. Now, on with th' show! (Note: I'm leaving out the theme song, because I'm too lazy to write it. If you have no idea what's going on, read the first Joseph story.) ________________________________________________ SOL, MAIN BRIDGE, 0456 HOURS "Your move, Terran." Neph and Mike were sitting at the table in the center of the bridge, with a chess set in the center. Mike was considering which piece to move, when Neph interrupted. "You realize, of course, that your pathetic mammalian intellect is nothing compared to mine, and you will undoubtably lose before me, just like your race shall, becoming food for the United Peoples. Why not admit defeat now, like you have the previous 32 times, and keep some shred of your dignity?" Mike stared at Neph. "I suppose you're right." Neph chuckled in an earnest, good-natured way. "Of course I am, Terran. Although my liege says that rocks have more creativity than me. I am still trying to understand what happ-" Neph was cut short by a loud blaring of what could only be Marilyn Manson's "The Beautiful People." Tom and Crow walked in, their movement in rhythm with the song. Tom was wearing a "Bride of Frankinstein"ish hairdo, and wearing your basic offensive T-shirt. Crow had barbed wire wrapped around his head, and was wearing a T-Shirt that, among other things, mentioned breasts. Neph and Mike watched the festivities in suspended disbelief, until Tom and Crow had moved out of sight, and the music died down. "You never told me, Nelson, on how bizarre your robots were. Methinks I'm going to have to live in the air ducts in order to sleep." "Oh it's not that b-" The music came back, even louder than before, and Crow and Tom quickly following. Neph looked at Mike for a second. Then, in an instant, four spiked tenacles burst out of Neph's back, wrapping themselves around the robots, effortlessly lifting them up. Neph hissed something to them in the Nephilim language which, to a normal person, is a series of clicks and deep, throaty sounds. Crow and Tom were visibly worried when Neph was nearing the end of his talk, and rushed in opposite direction once Neph sat them down. "They seemed to... understand you fairly well." Mike said, stunned slightly. "Oh, I installed a translation program in them a few days ago. Your Terran mind might not have been able to handle what I said to them. Of course, I could always install a program in you... is your neck particularly sensitive?" Mike looked at Neph , slowly backing away. Just then, the MADS' light flashed. Mike shrugged. "Oh well, the Corporate Ministry is calling." Neph quickly punched it. ------------------------------------------------- TIAMAT Catbert could be seen, sitting at his usual desk from the comic. Katone was standing besides the the feline. "Ah, hello Neph. I trust you are... enjoying your new abode?" said Catbert mockingly. "But to show our gratitude for serving us so well... KATONE! GET YOUR PARANOID BODY UP HERE WITH THAT THING! ...well, you can watch." Katone staggered in, carrying a mediium-sized cardboard box. "I suppose you know what this is, don't you, Neph?" ------------------------------------------------- SOL Neph looked slightly worried, then brightened. "That's my box of stuff. My certificate of Nephilimness, my personal plasma rifle, my "Fangorias", and, my greatest achievment," Neph puffed out proudly while speaking,"My 'Flunky of the Year' Award!" ------------------------------------------------- TIAMAT Catbert stared at Neph, disinterested. "So, wouldn't it be horrible if something... happened to it?" As if on cue, Katone began charging up a Tiamat Blast. ------------------------------------------------- SOL "Of course, but may I ask why you are asking the question?" ------------------------------------------------- TIAMAT "Because, you stupid little insect...well, perhaps Katone can explain. Katone?" "TIAMAT BLAST!" Katone yelled, firing the purple ball of energy into the box, instantly disintegrating it and all of its contents. Katone burst into psychotic laugher, but Catbert remained stoic. "Does that answer your question, Neph?" ------------------------------------------------- SOL Neph instantly burst into acidic tears, which were beginning to dissolve the table. "But... but... that was MY stuff!" Mike quickly tried to Move Neph somewhere else, but Neph knocked Mike away with a large backhand, and continued bawling. ------------------------------------------------- TIAMAT "Yes, yes, quite sad." muttered Catbert "But, your replacement is quite superior to you. Speaking of which, where is the round Terran?" asked Katone "How should I know? I remember him saying he was looking for the arcade he had seen a few days ago." "There *is* no arcade... the only thing that would resemble an arcade would be... the turrets." Suddenly, the voice of a Nephilim could be heard from one of the monitors. "Admiral Katone, this is Nephilim #4528668. Please explain why your ship is fir-" A large explosion could be heard. Katone screeched, and teleported away. A few seconds later, the sounds of a fight could be heard, with the Boss's voice letting out random outbursts, such as "Hey!", "My hair!", and of course, "OW!" Catbert stared back to the screen, smirking. "While the Katone and the Boss fight for the Intercontinental title, I will treat you to the next installment of the Joseph Saga, entitled 'The Ring of Truth.' Have fun." Catbert pushed a button, breaking off com-link. ------------------------------------------- SOL The table had melted partially, and Tom, Crow, and Mike were all trying to get the crying Neph away. The familiar lights and klaxons flashed. "MOVIE SIGN!" yelled Tom, Crow and Mike, who quickly ran off, and Neph slowly followed, still sobbing. -------------------------------------------------------- Neph: My plaque...my laminated love...*sobs* Tom: Oh Neph, there's plenty more plastic in the world. You're my number one homicidal alien, after all. Neph: Really? Tom: Uh....yeah. Neph: THANKS! [Neph scoops up Tom into a large bear hug, nearly crushing him.] Tom: Neph... you're chok... ing... me... Neph: Sorry. [Neph drops Tom into his seat.] Tom [coughing]: Forgiven. >Ring of Truth Mike : And this beautiful Ring of Truth can be yours for only $330 dollars, if you act right now! >by -- Joseph DeLaCroix All [flatly]: Yay. Neph: Hey! I got it right! >This story is based on characters created by Service and Games >(SEGA), andon characters created by Archie Comic Publications, >Inc. Any resemblanceto actual characters are not coincidental. >;) Crow: Gah, I hate that happy face. Neph: Here, allow me to help. [Neph takes out a plasma rifle, and fires it at the screen. The screen advances back to the previous sentence] >Any re emblence to ual ch acters are no co nciden l. >.( Crow: How'd you do that? Neph: Plot contrivance rifle. >Joseph, Bahb, and all other independent creations of Joseph >DeLaCroix are the copyrighted property of JoCo Inc. All rights >reserved. Etc. Tom: Blah blah blah, legal crap, I don't care, whatever. >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >- - - - - - > >Timeline: A few weeks after Joseph's crash. Several days before >Doomsday. > >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >- - - - - - Mike: Doomsday? Is that when Robotnik goes insane, strips nude, and runs around? Crow: Say much more, Nelson, and it will be Doom for me. >The sun rose over the Great Forest. Light began to stream >through the trees, giving the forest a primordial feel. The >wind began tolightly caress the treetops, as the birds began to >sing. Neph: o/~ Conjunction Junction, what's your function? o/~ Tom: o/~ I am the eggman...o/~ Mike: o/~ in the not too distant future...o/~ Crow: o/~ One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, four...o/~ >Squirrels jumped from tree >to tree, looking for a meal. Fish lept out of the water to >consume the early-morning cloud of gnats that hovered above the >life-giving fluid. Neph: And four creatures sat in an weakly air-conditioned theater, commenting on a particularly bad fanfic. >These were the usual sounds of the morning, that had been heard >on Mobius since time primeval...except for one. Tom: *BURRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPP!* >Deep within the forest, within a mist-covered clearing, a figure >silently began his morning exercises. He stretched and flexed >his muscles, allowing sinew to slip pass bone in the proper >fashion. Mike: Yes, with the Joseph style of writing, you can make even simple tasks seem like a one-on-one match with Jordan! >He concentrated on the task >at hand as he took the traditional fighting stance. He prepared >himself for the physical exertion that was about to occur. Crow: *CRACK!* Ow! I hurt myself while thinking! >Centering himself >spirtually and mentally as best he could, he locked onto his >target and readied himself to the mission he had dedicated >himself to. Neph: Getting that last waffle! >About 10 feet away from the solitary figure, there was set up a >6" thick piece of wood, cut into the rough shape of a very fat >human. Tom: Yokozuna! No! >It had a >target painted on the side of it, with its center resting in the >middle of the human's stomach. It also had a cariacture of a >smiley-face pasted over where the head usually would be, Mike: Oh, that's nice. >with a bullethole through it. Mike: O_o Crow: SOMEBODY has some issues with fat people. >After taking a deep breath, he began the exercise. Neph: Begin lifting remote! >He did a series of forward flips toward the target. But just as >he came into range, he vaulted over it, into the forest. Tom: 3.4 >He hurtled toward a >nearby oak, but precisely compensated for the change in course >and lept off its trunk toward a vine. Mike: Joseph, King of the Chuck E. Cheese JUNGLE gym made of soft foam. >He swung on the vine until he reached >another tree. Crow: Watch out for that tree! No, wait, DON'T watch out for that tree! >He slid down the tree, cartwheeled away from it, and >tucked into a spinning roll toward the target. But again, as he >became in range of it, he lept over it. This time, he chose to >grab a branch of the oak and did some various acrobatic >exercises around it. Neph: Do you Terrans ENJOY reading this type of writing? Tom: Nope. But some people enjoy writing it. Neph: Why would someone write this if it would not make anyone else happy? Tom: Terrans are stupid. Neph: Well, I know that much. >After he had >orbited the appendage a few times, he quickly began crossing the >clearing by pulling himself from various vines. Mike [Begins to sleep]: Zzzzzzz... Crow: Oh, he's so cute when he's asleep. I almost don't hate him now. >After a bit of this, he lept off >one on the furthest side of the clearing, reversed himself in >mid-air, and began cartwheeling, and then backflipping, toward >the target for the final time. Neph: Wow. I fail to see how even the Terran writing this would find it enjoying, though. Are you sure this sort of thing isn't a punishment in your culture? Tom: Sadly, yes. >When he entered attack range, he set up a perfect roundhouse >kick, and beheaded the silly-looking dummy. Crow: Yes, this IS a happy fanfic! >Immediately recovering from >that, he executed a precise low punch to the target's main >target, putting a fist-sized hole in the bullseye. Neph: TOYOTA! HYUNDAI! CAMRY! Tom: What? Neph: Well, I couldn't think of the names of any super-chi attacks, so I just used the names of Japanese cars. >With the target destroyed, the figure stepped back, took a deep >breath, and calmly cleaned up the remains of the target. Crow : Hide the body... hide the body... >He broke it up into portable >strips, wrapped them into a bundle, and walked back off into the >forest, his morning exercises completed for the day. Neph: Well, that was pointless and boring. Tom: Yup. Mike [Wakes up]: Is it over? Crow: Yup. >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >- - - - - - - > >The figure, now having a good pile of firewood to use, wandered >back toward a path that had been beaten years ago to a village >where he now resided. Neph: A path had been beaten? Isn't that against the law in your culture? Tom: Nope. It's used only if humans have been mistreated, and some animals. Neph: Animals I understand, but why Terrans? I would consider inanimate objects to be much more important than humans. Mike: Hey! Neph: No personal offense, Mike. >He had not been born in this village, nor even this world, but >he had, just from his brief time there, come to consider his new >surroundings to be his home. Crow: After all, home is where the smug is. >After all, his old home was no longer very hospitable; nor had >it been close to such a good training area as the one he had >come from even when it was. Neph: Why, with all the broken glass and concentrations of lead, Mobius was a GREAT place! >He drew closer to the outskirts of the village, where his hut >resided. He had built it himself several days ago, and he cared >for it dearly. Tom: Oh... bad mental image. Mike: Tom, that's just an evil thought. >It was >probably the most comfortable, warm, and homey home in the >entire village, Crow: "Homey"? Is Joseph using bad urban slang now? Neph: Mayhaps he meant homely. Tom: I doubt anything Joseph ever does will be homely. >thanks to the advantage of the advanced technology he had >utilized in its construction. Within 2 days, it came to stand >as it did that day, beautiful and tranquil in the gentle light >of the sun. Mike: The high levels of radiation are especially beautiful this year... >Joseph loved his new home. Crow: Um... >The entire structure took up less that 10 feet in diameter to >the naked eye. Neph: Fairly small. I would have expected a palace from Joey. >It was dome-shaped, and appeared to be constructed of a sort of >opaque brown glass, that perfectly camoflaged the structure from >the air. Tom: Yeah, just dandy. >Occasionally, there was a clearer spot that served as a window. >A small chimney stuck out from the right side of the dome, >giving it a even more surreal appearance. Mike: The gutted cat heads also helped, but that's another story. >However, a ordinary-looking native sidewalk led from >an area a few feet from the home to its front portal. Crow: So...? >To him, it was a "little cottage" that his people could have >generated in 5 minutes; it had taken him several days to >properly replicate all of its features with the small amount of >power left on his ship. Neph: Plus, the ship used Win 95, so it crashed several times a day, usually right before a long replication had finished. >To the >inhabitants of this planet, however, it appeared as a wonder of >the world; a nigh-invulnerable fortress that no evil could >breach. Tom: What about Roseanne? Mike: Well, that's foreshadowing. >Well, at least >nothing on this world could, Joseph thought. Crow: Gee, I wonder if an alien force will invade Mobius, and Joseph will have to save everyone? Nah! >Smiling, Joe meandered toward the sidewalk he had constructed, >and walked up it back toward his front door. Neph: Wait! Who's Joe? Tom: The alien invader, of course. Neph: No break? Nothing leading up to it? Not even one of those divider objects? >Opening it with a single word, he strode in to >unload the pelf he had carried from deep within the Great >Forest, and to clean himself up for the day. Mike: "Pelf"? Does he mean pelt? Has Joseph been skinning Mobians? Crow: Nah, pelf is money acquired through evil means. Although I would think Joseph wouldn't do such an evil thing. He's a little paragon of virtue! Neph: No, this is Joe, the evil alien invader. He would rob a bank. I know Joe all too well. Tom: Sure, Neph. >Placing the bundle of firewood in the >fireplace, he shut the door behind him to consider the state of >the home Joseph had constructed with his own paws. Mike: And the blood of thousands of Mobians. Crow: We're a bit bitter, eh Mikey-poo? >It was a tidy home, being spartanly furnished with only a few >chairs, a couch, and a practically empty bookshelf. Neph: It held... Tom: Dr. Seuss's Cat in the Hat. Mike: Be Smug for Money. Crow: Sable's Playboy issue. Neph: How to Make Cold Cereal. >A monitor displayed the area >outside his house on a screen to the left of his door, with a >small speaker beneath it that served as an intercom. Tom: You know, I'm getting flashback to that story by Ray Bradbury. You know, "There Shall come Soft Rains?" Mike: Please, don't make this story anymore dreary than it is now. >The floor was hard wood, but the >walls were constructed with the same glassy material that the >exterior possessed. Crow: Silly-Putty! >A few windows allowed light to drift in from the outside, and >a hallway led off in front of him to the kitchen, bathroom, and >bedroom. Neph: With less than 10 feet in diameter? Is this a doll-house? >Next week, Joseph thought, he would furnish the bare basement >with a laboratory, so to make his time here more constructive. Tom: Joseph's work ethic is starting to bug me. >But, for the time being, he was content with what he had. >However, he was hungry, and his organics could use some hydrogen >combined with oxygen in a liquid state at roughly 40 degrees. Mike [Groans]: Must Joseph do this for EVERYTHING?! Crow: By the next story, Joseph will make walking seem harder than beating Deep Blue in chess. >So not to lessen the ship's energy >further by replicating food for him, he decided he would cook up >some "grub" (as the blue one called it) for breakfast. Neph: The Blue One? Tom: It's the Great One! The Rock! [Suddenly, the Rock appears in a flash of light and smoke] Rock: The Great One, The Corporate champion, the ROCK says to shut your mouth and know your role, and no roody-poo, candy ass as thou are shall use my name in vain! [The Rock picks up Tom, gives him the Rock Bottom, following with the Corporate Elbow.] Tom: Now, can ya SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL what the Rock is cooking? [The Rock disappears] Tom: [Coughing] That was unexpected. Neph: Come back, Rock! I have so many questions about ego! >His organic systems >would certainly appreciate it, after the workout Joseph had >recently put them through. Mike: Or else, the skin would strike. >He walked into the kitchen, and pulled out a object that served >as a rough "mug". Crow: Sylvester Stallone? >It was actually a hollowed-out sapling stump he had found a >few days after he had "decided" to stay here, but he had sanded, >shellacked, and generally waterproofed the thing enough so it >would be a decent container for food, drink, and such. Neph: THEN Joseph saw the shop that was giving away free coffee cups. >Smirking bitterly, Joe chided >himself for taking all of his tools with him from Ur'thae, but >none of his utensils. Tom: Let's hope Joseph doesn't make weird sound effects when he hits himself in the head, like Jack Frost did in that one movie. >He grabbed it by its handle (a bent piece fof metal he had >stripped from the ruined communications array, screwed tightly >into the side of the glass) and walked over to the sink. Mike: Made of a piece of string, several feathers, and a mouse pad. >The fact that this cottage had running water was one of its main >advantages over several of the other huts around. Crow: Of course, no matter where he served his guests, they seemed to like his kitchen best. >Instead of going over to the well >like the natives did, he had brilliantly chose to directly tap >the water table, using some tubing he was able to replicate. Tom: Of course, that would poison the natives, but who cared? They were peons before the great Jhosesophae! >He had "zapped" >(another colloquialism taken from the blue one) Neph: I don't remember that being a catch phrase of the Rock. [The Rock appears again] Rock: The Rock sayssss... [Sees Neph] that he's gonna let that insult slide. Neph: Thank you. Rock: The Rock says you're welcome. [Disappears] Neph: What a nice man. You should be more like him, Mike. >a hole through the ground >to the area below the village that the well drew its fluid from, >and installed a long pipe into it. Tom: He had trouble, though, and had to call Bob Villa to help. >Then, he set up a pipe that released >the wastewaster from the home, placed a purifier onto it, and >had the output flow into a creek. Mike: Joseph didn't spend much time on the purifier, though. In fact, Joseph believed that Knothole would consider it a privilege to have his feces in their river. >Finally, he created a compressor unit (powered >by some ultra-efficient solar panels implanted in the roof), and >placed it on the pipe so it would draw water up from the >underground reservoir, and into his home. Crow: Joseph then saved the world several times using a rubber band and foam. >After he had drank a few glasses of water, he walked over to one >of the cubbords and removed a small, metal can. Neph: Hm. Terrans usually use cupboards to store their food. Tom: *Cough Cough* nitpicking *Cough cough* >Then, he took a iron-copper >alloy pot from the counter (he had smelted it himself only a >week ago), and walked off into the den. Mike: Teletubbies was on! >He took a match from the shelf as he walked in, and struck it on >a coarse part of the glass wall. Crow: Joseph actually had to use something in order to get a task done? That's a first. >Tossing it onto the wood, he waited until it >started to catch before opening the flue. Then, Joe dumped the >contents of the can (beans, apparently) into the pot, and placed >it over the fire. Neph: Apparently? Shouldn't the narrator know? Tom: Let's hope androids don't get gas. >Putting it on a stand, he hit a small switch by the fireplace to >activate the air filter at the summit of the chimnney. He >wouldn't want any aerial scans to pick Knothole up, after all. Mike: Really? I mean, of course. >Estimating the time for the contents of the pot to properly cook >at 10.4532 minutes, he decided to try and squeeze in his shower >before breakfast. Crow: Yeah, whatever. >He >wandered into the bathroom, removed his training gear, and >activated the makeshift shower. Neph: Oh... should I be watching? >A blast of cold water slowly sublimated to cool as the figure >gave himself a through scrubbing. His mind began to loosen up >as he mulled over the tasks he had to accomplish that day. Tom: Not EVERYTHING was loosening up, though! Mike: Tom! We have a guest here! Tom: Oh, Neph doesn't understand. Do you, Neph? Neph: Actually... he's ere- [Neph is silenced by Mike] Tom: Well. >The only thing he needed to do was >get more things from the ship. Joe also wanted to study more >throughly the behavior patterns of the Mobians, and observe a >"power ring" being formed. Crow: Well, he could just join the tour group. >Nothing earth-shattering, but enough to keep his mind busy. Neph: Sounds boring to me. >He finished his shower and walked into a drying stall. A >10-second blast of specially charged atoms later, and he was >dry. Then, he put on some clean clothes, and checked on the >progress of his breakfast. Tom: Its status had been upgraded to "mushy". >Ah, he >thought as he reentered the den, the beautific stench of >bubbling beans before brunch. Mike: Always all of us must act throughout this atrocious alliteration. >They were just about done, and done precisely the way he >liked them; hot. Crow: I prefer mine to be moldy. >Taking a bowl from the counter, he poured some of the >contents of the pot into it, and quickly placed the pot on a >rack where it would not damage the rest of the area. Neph: So...? >After he had accomplished that, >he took a small wooden spoon from one of his pockets, picked up >the steaming bowl of legumes, and walked back outside. Tom: He wanted all of Knothole to hear him. >Knothole was looking particularly wholesome today, Joseph >thought as he continued eating his beans. It must be a psychic >counterbalance to the evil of Robotropolis, he assumed, and took >another mouthful. Mike: Thrill as Joseph eats! >He strode >along the main "street" of the village, looking for any signs of >activity. Most of the village was still asleep. Crow: Turn up the polka! >Joseph noted again that the village >was usually completely shut down from roughly midnight to about >6:15 in the morning. Neph: Knothole apparently didn't have the Internet. >He hoped to one day be able to pin down the total time of >dormancy to milliseconds. But, that would not be today. Tom: Oh no. >He sensed >activity coming from one of the huts. He believed it was of the >entity called "Tails"; a pre-adolescent two-tailed fox that >Joseph liked a great deal. Crow: Joseph liked to take *lots* of pictures of Tails. >Joe saw a lot of himself when he was that age in him. >Intelligent, polite, inquisitive, yet somewhat naive. But that >was to be expected. Neph: Why? Tom: Tails hadn't read Playboy yet. Neph: That makes sense...huh? >He sensed that Tails would one day be a very important >individual in the future of this world. Mike: Of course, Joseph knew all. >Then, he noticed Tails slowly wander out of his hut. >He wasn't quite awake yet, so Joseph chose to avoid him until he >became fully sentinent. (Joseph had also noticed very few >Mobians were "morning people".) Crow: Ha ha ha. >Continuing his walk through the village, he noticed that Sally >had obviously been active almost as long as he had. Sally was >also a person Joseph could somewhat identify with. Neph: I doubt it. >She was a driven individual, very >buisness-like and unrelenting in her pursuits. Yet, she could >be excessively kind and warm to someone as well. Tom: Say... do you think... Sally and I... Mike: No, Tom. Tom: Hey! It could happen! >Being the proper ruler of >Mobius, Joe reasoned, she must feel a great responsibility for >the welfare of the remaining, non-robotizied citizens of Mobius. Crow: Being Joseph, though, he was wrong. >She was currently >preparing breakfast for herself and Tails, and was probably >expecting Sonic to come along, too. She was obviously busy, so >he quietly slipped by her hut and furthered himself along his >way. Neph: Especially after Sally started to throw blunt objects at Joseph. >Rotor was just finishing his breakfast, Joseph noticed as he >walked by his hut. He was one of the rare people Joseph could >talk shop with, and have the other party reply in kind. Tom: Mostly, "duh." >They both loved to fix things, build >things, and make objects more efficient. He respected Rotor a >great deal. In fact, Joseph thought, he was coming to feel Rotor >was the brother he never had. He decided to drop by his hut, >and see how he was. Crow: Bum-bum-bumma-chum-wa-wa... >Rotor waved to the tall, orange vulpine as he ducked his way >inside his hut. "Hey, Joe." he said, as he gestured for Joseph >to take a seat. "How are you doing this morning?" Mike : Homicidal, as usual. >"Oh," Joe said, "I'm just fine. I was just going on a walk >around the village when I noticed you were awake. Got up early >today, eh?" Crow : WHAT DO YOU MEAN?! I mean, I'm just burning the midnight oil! >"Me? Nah," Rotor said, "this is the time I like to get up. I >feel more creative at either the extreme beginning of the day, >or the middle of the night. Neph : Then, I plan my machinations of torture without anyone hearing me! >Figured I might come up with something new to make." He sighed. >"I've been in a bit of a dry spell lately. I don't know, maybe >I've been working too hard." Tom: Boom-whacka-chow-wow-kow... >Joseph smiled. "I wouldn't worry too much about it, Rotor. >Everyone has their ups and downs. Just relax and let it >happen." Mike: Guh... >Rotor was about to say something else when a shout echoed >through the hut. "Rotor!!" a female voice yelled, "Muh arm is >stuck again!" Neph: Wha? Is Jim Ross female? >Rotor looked >over at his guest. "Oh jeez," he muttered, "Bunnie's arm locked >up again. I just don't know what she does to it to kink it up so >much." Crow: O_o... Must not think.... >He looked >out the door and yelled, "Be right there!". Neph: "Be right there"ing action! >Joseph smirked. "It's okay, Rotor. Go do what you must do. >I'm gonna keep walking around the complex, anyway." Tom: Wha? Is Joseph in Area 51? Mike: Wouldn't surprise me if the author was an alien... >Rotor nodded, and rushed out >the door, tools in hand. Mike: No, Crow. Crow: Don't worry. >Joseph walked out of the hut, continuing to eat his beans. Neph: STILL?! Tom: It's the bottomless pot of beans! Every 12-year old boy's dream. >After walking >another brief distance, he came across Antoine's impeccably >maintained hut. Mike: Great... the one thing that could make this fic worse... Crow: What about Joseph scoring with Sally? Mike: I might die, then. >Antoine was one of the Mobians Joe could only identify with by >means of extreme metaphor; both he and Antoine were out of place >here. Neph: Hey! Antoine is cool. Tom: Why am I not surprised? >But even >then, it was stretching the comparison a tad far, because >Antoine was alien even to people who had known him since birth. Mike: So, Joseph's normal to his people. I wonder how the planet didn't explode from the influx of smug. >At least to fellow >Ur'thaens he was normal...on the eastern continent. He >listened, and realized Antoine was still grooming himself. Crow: Say... Neph: All right, that's it. [Neph gets up, and carries Crow out. Crow can be faintly heard screaming. After a few minutes, Crow comes back.] Crow: Hello, Mike and Tom. How are you? Tom: Neph... what did you do to Crow Neph: Oh, I've been working on a new positronic brain for him. Mike: How much has he changed? Neph: You'll see. >It seemed like every time >Joseph saw him, he was grooming himself. Wouldn't his skin >start to hurt after a while? Crow: Probably. About a 89.5634% chance. Tom: Great. Crow is a *Nephilim*. Neph: Yes, isn't it great? >Honestly, he thought, his fur should be like silk from all >of the combing and primping that it had to endure. Mike: And Pimping... >He decided to leave >before he started talking to him in that strange alteration of >Mobian he was fluent in... Crow: I believe the correct term is "dialect". >Suddenly, he heard the sound of a fast-moving individual zipping >around a few huts down. Sonic had finally woken up, and he was >doing his morning "juice run" to wake himself up. Neph: Followed by several L.A. police cars... >Seconds later, the blue blur blasted by >him, causing a large cloud of dust to fly into Antoine's hut. Tom: Argh... >Antoine staggered out of the hut, coughing. "Sonick! I'll get >vous for zat!" He gesticulated blindly back toward his dusty >hut. "It will take me the days to clean dis up again!" Mike: The first fanfic with bad dubbing. >Joe took this opportunity to leave, while >Antoine was still blinded by the plume of dust. He was still >shouting when he got out of range of his bellowing, and wandered >back into the forest. Crow: He was lost! Tom: Neph, I'm going to kill Crow. Neph: Why? This guy is great! Mike: No, Neph. [Mike reaches over and pulls out Crow's head, and starts shaking him violently. A slight buzz is heard, then...] Crow: Breast! Tom: Good. He's back to normal. >Ah, the quiet of the forest, Joe thought, finishing his beans. Mike: Oh, now this is TOO easy. >He walked >up to a stream and rinsed out his bowl in it. Drying it off >with his shirt, he put it in one of his larger pockets and >continued on his way. Crow: Joseph wears a shirt? You'd think he'd go topless, so the women could become excited over him. >He looked up into the sky. By the position of the sun, he'd say >it was about 8:25. Just about time for a power ring. He >started walking up the path to the power ring pool, where Sonic >would probably end up shortly. Tom: Yes, everything was going according to plan... MWAHAHAHAHAHA! >He walked over to the pool, and took a seat on a rock. He >looked into the pool. A dull yellow glow was visible near the >bottom of the pool. The ring would surface in 3.4 seconds. Neph: So, what *doesn't* Joseph know? >He was expecting to hear the sound of >the hedgehog roar up here, snatch the ring, and zip off again. Mike: Joseph's wrong? That's a new one. >However, he >must have been delayed, because the ring rose unaccompanied by a >blue flash. It was floating there, waiting for someone to grab >it. Crow: You know, watching lint form is more exciting than this. Neph: Actually, Bookshire Draftwood said this was an excellent story. [Silence] Tom: Huh. >Joseph >realized someone better grab it before it sank again. He >reached out his hands--suddenly, four words drifted in front of >him, a warning message-- Mike: Whoa! Joseph's on acid. Crow: "Have a nice day." << DIRECTIVE TWENTY SIX ALPHA >> Crow: Or that. >--and his body catapaulted itself back into the bushes. A >second later, Sonic blasted up the path, grabbed the ring, and >rushed back to Knothole before he could even notice the orange >heap laying in the woods. Neph: And Joseph. >Joseph >groaned from the sudden automatic movement, and stumbled to his >feet. What had just happened? Had the power from the ring >shorted out his neural net? If it had, then what did that >message mean? Tom: Does anybody care at this point? Mike: Is this the end for our hero? Crow: Will Joseph seduce all of the Mobian females? Neph: May I take a break? >Joseph was confused. He >needed to ask Bahb about this. He ran back into Knothole, and >was beginning to worry about the new development.. Tom: Joseph? Worry? >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >- - - - - - > >He jogged back toward his home. Trotting through the village, >he was unnoticed by the inhabitants, who were busy starting >their chores for the day. Then, a voice called his name. Mike : Ebeneezer Scroogeeeeeeee... >"Joseph!" the voice shouted, "could >you come here for a minute?" It was Sally. Wondering what she >needed of him, he walked toward her hut. Crow: Oh dear... Neph: What? She just needs him. Tom: Oh, poor misguided Neph... >Entering the hut, he realized Sonic, Sally, and Tails were in >the middle of breakfast. Tails was sitting on the left side, >and Sonic was on the right. Mike: Whew. Everything's OK. Crow: Unless... Tom: I don't think Joseph's THAT evil. >Sally was sitting on the far end. It was apparently oatmeal >with strawberries today. It looked rather appetizing. Neph: If you're a *mammal*. >Tails waved to Joe as >he walked in, unable to talk with his mouth full of whitish >slush. Tom: No... it's just oatmeal... >Sonic >had, naturally, completed his bowl, and was somewhat more >talkative. "Yo, Joe." he said to the tall fox as he ducked his >way into the home. Mike : Sorry about knocking off that door frame with my big head last week. >"Greetings, boss." Joe jokingly called Sally `boss' because of a >translation problem he had initally had with the word >"princess". In Ur'thaen, the word "p'hrincese" meant >"overlord"; Crow: Eventually, though, Joseph would learn Sally *was* an overlord firsthand... heh heh. >seeing that Sally was not >the current overlord of Mobius, he had taken the next logical >step and called her by a synonym of "overlord", "bhoss". Later, >when he had consulted Sonic about it, he realized the error. All : Wah-wah-wah-wahhhhhhhhhhhhh... >Sonic and Sally >smirked as Joe then proceeded, as usual, to bow slightly. Neph : Hello, me! >"You can just call me Sally, Joseph." Sally laughed, "There's no >need for such formality." She gestured for him to sit in the >vacant chair at the close end of the table. As he sat down, Sally >continued talking. Tom [rapidly]: Soyouseealotishappeningeverythingisgoingdownyou wantabitesoIsaytoheryouarenotthebossofmeandbiteme. >"So," he >spoke, "how are things going for you here? Do you need >anything?" Mike: I need a hug. >Joseph smiled. "I require nothing," he said, "I have everything >I need to survive on my ship. I can imbibe Mobian water, and >consume Mobian food. My home has been constructed, so all I >require of you now," He smiled and winked at Sally. "Is your >kindness." Crow: No....this just can't be happening.... Tom: Well, at least it isn't Sandra Nightweaver. [Suddenly, a loud crack of thunder can be heard] Tom: What was THAT?! Neph: Tests indicate it was a foreshadowing bolt. Tom: Uh-oh... >Sonic quipped, "We've got that in high supply, dude." Mike: You know, quips usually indicate "humor." >Joseph grinned at the blue mammal. "I figured as much. You >have been so kind to me, I don't know how to make it up to you." Crow : Well, there is ONE way... >"Well," Sally interjected, "there *is* something we'd like to >ask you." She looked over at Sonic. "Sonic, why don't you do >the honors?" Tom : Sure! Joseph, here's my request: DIE! *Blam!* >Sonic smirked. "Sure, Sal. Joe, my man, why don't you join us >in our fight against ol Ro-BUTT-nik? You've got serious >skills." Neph: What about Robotnik? He seems more important. Mike: Okay guys, no refs to Xenogears. Besides, we haven't even played it. >"It would be an honor," Joseph bowed, "to assist you in the >uprising against him. Any assistance you require of me would be >gladly given." Crow : For a PRICE, of course.... >Sally smiled weakly. "That's...uh, great, Joseph! I didn't >think you'd be so enthusiastic about this. Neph: Periods denote excitement? >After all, you don't live here. This >isn't your fight." Tom : Oh, it's fine! I love showing my ego off! >"It's mine now." he said plainly. Mike : And it's PERSONAL. >Sally blinked. "Are you sure you want to get into this?" > >Before Joe could answer, Sonic interjected, "Sal, whaddya tryin' >to do, change his mind?!?" Crow: Well, wouldn't you? >"Sonic," Joe said, "I decided to help you the minute you people >helped me. I have no home to return to. This is my world now, >and I shall defend it." Tom: Oh. Touching. >Suddenly, Tails, who had been quietly eating his breakfast for >most of this conversation, chose to state, "But Mr. Joseph, I >thought you could leave here at any time. Didn't you say all >you needed was more crystal power to escape?" Neph : Nope. Turns out, the crystals didn't want to help me. >The orange fox turned to the younger, two-tailed one, and then >to the two adults. "Tails," he spoke, "Sonic, Sally...let me >explain my prediciment to you all." He stood up, and went into >speech mode. Mike: "Speech mode?" I know we'll be seeing a lot of that during the Joseph saga. Crow <"Speech mode">: Four score and seven years ago, I was better, and still am, better than you. >"My world was merely a more positive reflection of what Robotnik >wants Mobius to be. Our people gave up their flesh in return >for immortality. Sure, there was no pollution, death, disease, >or famine; but Ur'thae also lacked peace. The flesh battled >steel. Neph: The epic story of Robot Rumpus. >Religion fought science. Brother >dueled brother...all over the quest for eternal consciousness. >The only way my planet lasted for as long as it did after the >creation of the neural transfer device was because of the >continental division." Tom : And the fact our race was whiny. >"The first part of my life, I saw this war from Robotnik's side >(to a certain extent). Now, I live among the flesh, and I see >that my father was the creator of an evil too great for mortals >to handle; Mike: Frozen yogart. >affordable immortality. Crow: 75% off! >At first, it seems to have no downsides. Improved strength, >speed, senses, agility, and your mind never loses its edge. Neph: The Six Million Dollar Jerk, I guess. >You can >continue learning and experimenting for aeons. The pleasures of >the flesh never dull...in fact, they sharpen due to computerized >enhancement." Tom : And you know what I mean by "pleasures"... >"But, my father never realized that someone could use this >ability for evil purposes...to enslave another by "roboticizing" >(as a somewhat similar practice is called here) him or her. Mike: Well, it's going to be Joseph's father's fault, I'm sure. Crow: No, Uncle Chuck invented the roboticizer. Even I know that much. Neph: Actually, I'm pretty sure Joseph will take credit for inventing it. Tom: Seeing as how he's portrayed Mobians as the biggest bunch of idiots since... well... the Nephilim. Neph: Hey. >He never saw that a part of ones >nature would rebel against it, and eventually even out the >score. They escaped death for a while, but in the end they all >paid the ultimate price for their crime against nature." Mike: Man. Sounds like an ultra-dark version of Space Jam. Crow: Except even Space Jam had better acting than this. Neph: And Bill Murray. Tom: Yes. Only Bill Murray could save this fanfic. >"No, it is better to die in the flesh than live forever in >steel. I will fight Robotnik for you because of this... Mike : And that he's fat. I hate fat people. >he has tried to duplicate my >father's formula for immortality by using Sir Charles'--your >uncle, Sonic--roboticizer. Crow: C'mon, Joseph. Clams are figuring out that your father did it. >But he poisons himself and others by this...he has his >slaves, but he realizes not that the flesh and steel cannot live >in the same body. If he is not stopped, this world will suffer >the fate of Ur'thae; a Fountain of Youth powered by blood." Neph: Hey, that's an interesting centerpiece. I wonder if you can order it out of a catalog. Tom: Come to the wacky Vlad the Impaler Funworld! >"So, Sally, I offer my services to you. Command me, and I will >comply. Robotnik must be stopped. At this point, all else is >irrevelant." Mike: Obey your thirst. >Sally, Sonic, and Tails could only blink. Crow: Yup, Mobius' best surpassed by the intellect of Joseph. >"Joseph," Sally whispered, "you are gladly accepted into the >Freedom Fighters. I see now that you are honest in your >statements. Your services to us will be valued." Neph: Like we value this tiny paper-towel. And now, I destroy it. >Joseph bowed. "Thank you, Sally. May I be excused?" Tom : I need to show off my coolness to everyone! >Sally nodded, and Joseph left the hut silently. Mike: That is, until the beans caught up with him.... >After he had gotten out of earshot, Sonic whispered, "Man! That >guy is intense!" Crow: Joseph IS Ken Shamrock! Neph: I'd like to Ankle-Lock Submission HIM. >Sally nodded. "Yes, Sonic...he is certainly driven. He must >feel he has a whole world to avenge." > >"I'd say!" Tails piped, "I can't wait to see what HE does to >'Butt-nik." Tom: Well, good for you. >Sonic muttered, "So do I, Tails. He looks like he could do some >*serious* damage to some SWAT Bots." Mike : Okay, SWAT Bots, prepare to suffer my "speech mode"! Crow : Ego... too... strong... overloading... explosion is imminent.... >"I wonder what's going through his mind right now?" Neph : WHOO! Did I pull a fast one of those idiots! >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >- - - - - - > >He continued back toward the dome that served as his domicile. >The brief interlude with the leaders of the FF didn't make >Joseph forget what had happened by the power ring pool. It >intrigued him. Could it be that this planet had a power source >greater than his internal power core? Tom: Something BETTER than Joseph's planet? Perish the thought! >He entered the dome and walked over to the now-smoldering >remains of his fire. He tossed the bowl on the table, and >walked over to the Bahb 27290-A Unit, affectionately known as >Bahb. Mike: Or Mr. Moofy. >"Bahb," he said, "I need info. Talk to me." Crow: Gimmie the low-down. >"Ready for command." Neph : Whoops, crashed. >"Define Directive 26-Alpha." Tom : It's a bunch of words thrown together that serve no purpose except to sound really important. >Bahb hummed quietly for a minute. "Classified. Cannot access >externally." Mike: Abort, Retry, Fail? >"Surmise a hypothesis on how to acquire this information." Crow : Dunk your head in a toilet. >Bahb beeped and tweeted as it ran through every possibility. >"Required materials are on the ship." > >"What do I need?" Neph: Humility. >Bahb began rattling off names of various components within the >ship. Tom: Back in my day we didn't have any of these components or do-hickeys like that... we had to use brain power, and it was good brain power, too! >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >- - - - - - > >Over the next few days, the village eyed their new arrival >suspiciously. His main occupation seemed to be removing all of >his computer equipment from the ship he had crashed in, and >installing them in the basement of his amazing home. Mike: Yes, his *amazing* home! >He would say what his purposes were, nor why he did not >keep them on the ship. Crow: Two words: Garage sale. >Some believed he was going to sabotage Robotropolis >completely. Others, that he was going to destroy Robotnik's >communications grid. A few just thought he was finishing >unpacking; but everyone had an opinion. Tom: My opinion is that I don't have an opinion. Neph: Can you do that? >Joseph was, in actuality, preparing his new computer lab for two >reasons; to continue his work, and to discover the secret of >Directive 26-Alpha. Mike: The secret of how they get the cream filling. >Joe also could no longer leave all of his hyperadvanced >technology in the middle of the woods in good faith...the ship >had drove off several gawkers in the last few days. Crow : Get off my property, you hooligans! >But he told no one of his experience at the power >ring pool, nor of the mysterious malfunction. Neph: So, seeing words float by your face makes robots spasm? Tom: I think. [Mike holds up a cue card up to Tom's face, making the robot fly out of his seat forcefully, and land on the ground several feet away.] Mike: Huh. Neph was right. >Finally, 4 days later, the ship was totally gutted of its vital >systems, and was nothing more than a husk of its former self. >It was still cloaked, but there was no longer any point in >trying to steal it. Crow: Its insurance had gone out, anyway. >Joseph had >installed the power cells of the ship in the basement of his >home, as well as the communications systems and the main >computer. Neph: Hey! It's the communications array! >His domicile was now >a flightless version of the ship he had entered this world with. Tom: Just like the ship, except it can be destroyed more easily! Brilliant, Joseph! >A few >more mining expeditions gave Joseph as much power as he could >possibly use, and then some, and he had tuned the house itself >into a large antenna. Mike: Able to pick up porn from around the world! >He was finally ready to attempt to find out the secret behind >the directive. Preparing the dataspike, he sat down in a chair >he had created for this purpose, and jacked in. Crow: O_o... Whoa... >Taking a deep breath, he prepared for the >total discombobulation that was to come with the scan. Neph: And the slight aftertaste. >"Bahb," he said again, "define Directive 26-Alpha." Tom : Bite me, Vulpine Breath. >"Accessing, Jo--." Mike This program has performed an illegal operation, and will be shut down. Crow [laughing slyly]: How was it illegal? >There was a great flash of light. Neph: Hm. I always thought death would be an eternal darkness. Tom: I wish I was dead. >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >- - - - - - - > >When he could see again, Joseph found himself standing on the >shore of the Iundaeck Ocean, in front of the home he and his >father shared back on Ur'thae. Mike: Hoo-boy... Crow: I think ducks could see where this is going. Neph: I don't. Tom: THAT'S a surprise. >The twin moons shone down upon him in that glorious, >awe-inspiring violet sky. All: Oooooh... ahhhhhhhhhh.... >The water was as clear and glowing as the first >day he had set eyes upon it. The blue sand blew by his legs as >the cry of a lark whistled through the air, invigorating him. Mike : Strange...I thought our planet KILLED all the animals! >He was home again. All: Rah. ><<"Jhosesophae.">> a voice said. Turning around to face the >voice, he knew for sure this was his home. Crow: For there was a vulpine Norman Bates standing behind Joseph with a knife! Neph: That made no sense. Crow: Bite me, confusion is fun. ><<"Dhaevid?">> Tom <"Dhaevid">: No, it's DA-vid. Stop using that infernal accent, boy. You always were a little arrogant troublemaker. >The male was about as tall as Jhosesophae, with reddish-orange >fur. His yellowing eyes denoted youth, yet the streaks of white >in the fur showed great age. Mike: And the way he was butchering Joseph showed plain insanity. Crow: Damn, this fic is really getting to you, huh Mike? Mike: Yes. >He was wearing a yellow lab coat, the mark of the Scientist >Prime on Ur'thae. However, beneath the uniform, there was a >pair of simple slacks and a sweater, and a pair of whitish >tennis shoes. Neph: Professor Plum's job was recently taken over by Colonel Mustard, I see. >His hands were >metallic versions of the ones Jhosesophae had, but the voice was >strictly the unique baritone of his father's. Tom : Not much time to talk, Joseph. I have to get to the choir. Everyone needs my UNIQUE BARITONE VOICE! ><<"Yes, Jhosesophae. This is me. At least, a composite image >of me strung together from your own memory banks.">> Mike : And a rather crappy one at that. ><<"I don't understand.">> Crow: You probably won't. ><<"Let me explain, Jhosesophae.">> Tom : You see, when a mommy and a dday love each other... >The world flickers for a minute, Mike: Better hit the world. Starting to get bad reception. >and then switches to a different scene. >The scene now is of the room Joseph was transferred in, and the >spaceship docking ramp that was its only exit. Crow: Wow, I guess they oredered the Flashback 2000. >Dhaevid is typing something into a >keyboard while the android body is recieving its intelligence. Neph: The keyboard's intelligence? Tom: Let's face it. ROCKS are more bright than these guys. ><<"Your story begins here, Jhosesophae. While you were being >transferred to your new body, I was pre-programming your ship to >take you to the planet where you now reside...Mobius. Mike: Badda-BA-BUM! >But I am getting ahead of myself. I should >explain to you how I discovered this world, first.">> Crow : Using the method of smug handed down by our peoples! >The world flickers again. Neph: Maybe if you wiggle the antenna a little bit. >The picture returns on a starfield, where an >Ur'thaen ship is cloaking itself around an orbit of Mobius. ><<"I discovered intelligent life here shortly before your 16th >birthday. Tom : Being forced to be with your whiny self almost all day long, it was the first intelligent life I had seen in centuries! >Utilizing time warps, I was able to commute to Mobius and back >home several times a month without being noticed. I was >studying their advancement, and...helping it a little.">> Mike : You know, fixing fences, baking pies, introducing beer... >Scene cuts to the workshop of Sir Charles >Hedgehog, and Dhaevid sneaking into it late at night. Crow : Damn! Where did he hide the Penthouse stash this time? ><<"One specimen >interested me especially. His name was "Charles". He was >beginning to develop the technology that had made the neural >transfer device possible... Neph: The Magic Fingers? Tom: The Torture Rack? Mike: The Gruntmaster 6000? Crow: The Vibrator? >the roboticizer. All: Oh. >A similar technology was developed by your grandfather >356 years ago...anyway, every once in a while, I would sneak >into his workshop Tom : And take some of his Pokemon. Sure, it's cruel, but catchin' all 150 wasn't going to be easy. >and alter some of the equations to assist in the advancement of >this technology. Neph : Leading to the planets doom. No biggie to us, though. >He had the basic idea, but every once in a while he >would make an unintentional error due to the misguided >scientific theory of the time that I would quietly get him out >of.">> Mike: Because everything on all planets besides Joseph-World are horribly incorrect. >Scene cuts to Sir Charles constructing the device used to >generate power rings. <<"But, Sir Charles had also stumbled >upon something that was far beyond Ur'thaen technology. Crow : But that's...IMPOSSIBLE! Tom : I'm afraid it's true. We were actually worse than something. >This was the Power Ring Generator.">> Scene >cuts to a diagram of the device, showing various graphs and >projected power fluxations next to it. Neph: Should I be interested? ><<"From my observations of Sir Charles' tests, this >device had the potential to generate enough power to penetrate >the dimentional barrier; the one thing Ur'thaens could never >breach, Mike : And Chicken Wings, but that's another story. >if >harnessed in the correct manner. I'll tell you the truth, son, >I have no idea how, why, or if it even *should* work. Only the >hedgehog knows.">> Crow : But... but... we're Ur'thaeans! We know *EVERYTHING*! >The scene cuts to a picture of Sir Charles on the left, Sonic on >the right, and a power ring in the lower center. Neph: Tonight on RAW, who will win the RING OF TRUTH? ><<"This brings me to my final >request of you, my son. Your mission is threefold; first, you >must find Sir Charles, and assist him in any way he requires. Tom : No. >Work with him. Tom : No. >Understand his devices. Tom : No. >This will allow you to escape the bonds of this >dimention, and become the first, and only, Ur'thaen to explore >the other universes that have been proven to exist. Mike : You'll be the first fox in space! >Your second mission is to find >the nephew of Sir Charles, Sonic. Crow : Do not, repeat, DO NOT try to talk with him! Sonic is a madman, and will attempt to kill you the first chance he gets! >He can use the rings, according to Sir >Charles' notes and hypotheses, and perhaps he could teach you >how to properly use them as well. Neph : Unless you don't do anything stupid. You did? Damn. >Your final mission is to acquire >a power ring for yourself, and learn how to replicate more. >They are the only way you will be able to travel from timestream >to timestream safely and efficiently.">> Tom: Joseph IS Billy Pilgrim! Mike: Who? Tom: Just a little Vonnegut reference there. >The scene cuts back to the beach. <<"This is all you need, or >can know right now. Alas, I know no more than this; my >observation of Mobius was cut short by the destruction of our >world. Crow: C'mon! Get some gumption! Your planet destroying can't be that big of a hassle! >Good luck, my son; the last >survivor of Ur'thae.">> Neph : Unfortunately. ><<"But..">> Tom : I have so many more whiny questions to ask you! >Everything went black. Mike: Well, that's the end, then? >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >- - - - - - > >"Scan complete." Mike: Whoops. Damn. >Joseph opened his eyes, and detached from the datajack. >Groaning, and rubbing his throbbing skull, he spoke. "Computer, >time elapsed from beginning of scan to its completion." Crow : Oh, wouldn't YOU like to know? >"1 minute." Neph: But... but... VIRTUAL REALITY CAN'T DO THAT! >"Deactivate dataspike." Tom: The last thing Joseph felt was the feeling of the dataspike going forward, blasting through his skull.... Mike: Now that was dark. Tom: Thanks. >The system powered down. Joseph laid back in his chair. The >situation had changed considerably. Now he knew why the power >ring had effected him, but a million other questions came to >mind... Crow: And damn it, we're going to listen to every one of them! >After musing this over for a minute, he knew what he had to do. >Organizing it into his directives list, he began to estimate how >to best accomplish them... Neph: Joseph neatly organizes his mission objectives. >Priority One: Find Sir Charles. >Priority Two: Find Sonic. >Priority Three: Acquire power ring; experiment. Tom: Priority Four: Kill everyone. >He had already guarenteed himself two and three just by being at >Knothole. However, he had never heard of Sir Charles being >about. This was illogical; Mike: Yes, surely Charles couldn't be roboticized! >Sonic and Charles were family, and therefore Sonic wuld >probably, according to his observations, either find some way of >honoring him (if was deceased), or he would have brought him >back to Knothole. Crow: ARGH! NO MORE LOGIC PUZZLES! >Seeing that he was missing something, he decided to confront >Sonic about the issue after dinner that night. Neph: When he entered Sonic's private room, what Joseph saw shocked him. Tom: Which was what? Playing the new Green Day CD? Neph: Of course not. He was with Sally, engaging in s- Mike: OK, Neph. >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >- - - - - - > >After Knothole had been fed, Joseph wandered the village, >looking for Sonic. He finally encountered the blue blaze >sitting quietly by the power ring pool, looking into the sky. Crow : The colors, man! THE COLORS! >Realizing that Sonic was observing the >three moons of Mobius, he allowed him a few moments of silence >before he finally piped up. Neph: Joseph hated silence. >"Where's Sir Charles, Sonic?" Joesph was always direct in his >questioning. Tom: Making people secretly loathe him. >"My unc's in Buttnikville, Joe." Sonic said, quietly. Mike : He is? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You poor, pathetic sap! I suppose ole' Chuck is having fun rotting in hell there! Say, are you going to finish that chili dog? >"Why is he there? I thought you'd try to get someone as >brilliant as...I heard he is...out of Robotnik's clutches." Crow : Naah, too much work. >"He's our spy, Joe. He hangs out, acts like a drone, but tells >us all about what happens there." He glanced at his hands, >dusting them off. Tom : Hands... too... DIRTY! >"Oh," Joesph said. "Wait a minute, I thought everyone in >Robotropolis was roboticized." Neph : Nah, some just wear costumes. >"They all are." Sonic spake. Mike : We all are. >"Well, how does your uncle spy on Robotnik if he doesn't have >free will?" Crow : Well, in this fanfic I have no free will, and I'm talking to you pretty well, right? >"He's got his brain," said Sonic, turning toward him. Neph : Now, we fight to the death! >"I don't understand." Tom: HE SAID THAT CHARLIES STILL HAS HIS BRAIN! >"Look," Sonic said, "My unc's been snapped out of Buttnik's >control 'cuz I waved a power ring in front of his face. It >somehow rewired his 'ol head back to where it should be, and now >he's cool." Mike: Yes, through the magic of plot contrivances! >He looked back to the >moons. "And someday," he whispered, "he will be totally cool >again." Crow : Ah, who cares? Don't forget, I question directly! >"Now I understand," Joesph said, "but it's too bad he's in >Robotropolis. I'd like to meet him." Neph : Then rip his heart out. >Sonic smiled. "Well, Joe, you'll be able to see him tomorrow >night, when he sneaks out of Buttnikville and gives us the >weekly gossip. You can chew his ear off then, 'kay?" Tom: I suppose you know a lot about that, eh Nephie? Neph: Actually, I prefer to eat the genitalia first. While they're alive. [Tom backs away. A LOT.] >"Sure." Joseph said, smiling. "Thanks a lot." > >"No prob," Sonic said, and went back to staring off into space. Mike: Yes, the contemplative, peaceful Sonic. Crow: Actually, I like this guy better than the real Sonic. >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >- - - - - - - > >The next morning, Joesph went about his training as usual, but >the whole while was thinking of how to explain to Sir Charles >his prediciment without alerting the rest of Knothole about it. Neph: Especially with his "direct questioning." >Surely if they knew they had been >visited by aliens for several months without being told, they >would become somewhat alarmed.He knew the Ur'thaen governments >wouldn't like it, Tom: Carrying your allegiance to a government of a planet that blew up? Mike: Now THAT'S devotion. >so it >was without a stretch of the imagination that the Mobian >government (the real one) wouldn't appreciate it, either. Crow: Just like when they disapproved National Orgy Month. >No, he did not want them to >know anything about his father, the message he left, and the >mission he was given until it was time. Tom: He would tell them right before they all died. >Charles would understand. He was sure of it. >They were fellow scientists, after all, and he felt that Charles >might have done the same thing if he was in his father's place. Neph: Espionage? Sure! >He spent most of the day meditating on what he would say to >Charles. He wanted to be sure he knew exactly what had >happened, and would therefore be able to make an informed >decision about what to do about it. Mike : So, the hamster was STUCK in the accordion? Crow : Yup. Mike : I say we cut the funding to the shop. >He mentally >composed a rather simple, logical essay on the whole situation, >and translated it into a speech that Charles could easily >understand. Neph: I. Joseph. You. Charles. My. Father. Stole. Your. Technology. That. Okay. With. You? >Then, he >reviewed it, looked for possible misperceptions, and altered >them into a more logical structure. Tom: Wow. Joseph would be great for writing papers. >When Charles arrived that night, Joseph was ready. He let the >aged metallic hedgehog inform Knothole of what had been going on >over the past several days in Robotropolis, focusing mainly on >something called Doomsday. Mike: Bum-bum-bummmmmmmm! >Joe stayed out of it, hoping to avoid becoming involved for as >long as possible. He knew that one day his powers would be >called upon, but he did not want to get mired in this world's >mess unless he knew that he would have to remain here. Crow: You do. But don't show off for OUR sakes. Please. >After Charles had finished, and the Knothole gang was involved >in planning, the eldest hedgehog politely excused himself, and >began the long trip back to Robotropolis on foot Neph: Well, what could he do? Take the bus? >(Sonic couldn't zip him back, due to the amount of >security that had been placed around the area as of late.) >Joseph began following him. Tom: Joseph, your friendly neighborhood stalker! >Finally, after they had gotten out of visual range of >Knothole, he made himself visible to the kindly cyberhedgehog. Mike: Not the wording I would have used, Joseph... urp. >"Excuse me, but I need to tell you something." Crow: Your fly is open. >Charles lept back, startled. "Oh!" Tom : HELP! POLICE! >"Please excuse my abrupt appearance, sir. It is my custom to >remain silent unless absolutely necessary." Neph: Just like his direct questioning? Mike: Let's face it: Joseph's "customs" are just an excuse for him to be rude. >Charles quickly regained his composure, and his eyes took a more >pleasant shade of red, if that was even possible. After shifting >around a bit, he spoke. Crow: Could you turn that teleporter off? It's starting to move my genes around. >"Well," Charles said, "if it isn't our star-travelling newcomer. >I'd be happy to talk with you, son, but I really need to get >back to Robotropolis before Robotnik misses me..." Neph : It's almost time for his sponge bath. [Tom shudders] >"This is important. It involves you, Sonic, and your >invention." Tom: And 34 puppies. Mike: And the world supply of artichokes. Crow: And Sable. Neph: And 45.673% of the energy diffusers. >And then Joseph told him what he knew. Tom: Which would be... not much. >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >- - - - - - > >Charles could only blink. "So, what you're saying is that your >father -- uh,David, right? -- was the one who allowed the >Roboticizer to be `perfected'?" > >Joseph nodded. Mike : Yup, caused doom for your world. I bet you feel pretty stupid, right? >"And that the power ring generator is something beyond even your >technology, and you want to study it in order to further advance >your dead world's science? You think it can help to >deroboticize people?" Crow : Nah, I just want to see if I can get it to microwave my burrito faster. >"Yes." > >Charles began to lose his composure. "Do you honestly expect me >not to be angered by this?" Neph : Why would you be? All my father did was just cause suffering for millions of your people! Personally, I'd like to thank him. >"No..." Joseph uttered, becoming somewhat nervous. Tom : H-hey! I'm Joseph! You can hurt me! >"Good," Charles snarled, "because I am." Mike: Uh-oh, Charles has rabies. >He balled his metallic hands >into fists, and shook them at Joesph irritatedly. Crow : Dang whipper-snapper! >"Your father brought >a curse upon this world by `helping' me create that damned >machine! Neph: Hey look! Joseph is looking like an idiot! Tom: Don't expect it to last too long. >Millions perished because of its power! Only a few hundred >remain untouched by its evil, and we lose more every day!" He >spat upon the earth, and angrily pointed toward the distant >outline of Robotropolis. Mike : Hey! I can see my house from here! >"Is *that* what your world was like, Joseph?!? A oligarchial >`government' ruled by madmen, and supported by millions of robot >slaves? Crow: Wouldn't be surprised. >Is *that* >what your superior world was like? A souless, callous factory, >existing only to rape and loot your world?" Neph: Y'know, this sounds sorta like my race. But he's putting us in a bad light. I prefer to think we're "reprocessing" them. >His eyes shrunk to slits, and turned >bright crimson. "Is Robotnik merely a different version of your >*father*?!?" Tom: Wrong member of the family, Charles. Look further down the family tree. >Joseph could withhold his rage no longer. He had taken most of >Charles' outburst, but his slap at his father was unforgivable. >Raging, he grabbed Charles by the throat, and lifted him high >above his head. Mike: Thrill as Joseph, our valiant hero, abuses harmless robots! >As Charles >desperately tried to escape his grasp, and get some shots in, >Joseph went into a total spaz fit. Crow: Brain Freeze will do that to you. >"Do you THINK I'm *happy* about what has happened >here?!? Do you BELIEVE that my father MEANT to ruin this >world?! He wanted to *HELP* you, you dottering old fool, Neph: Hey, the random *ACCENTING* is back! Tom: AH, what *a* time to *LIVE*! >by teaching you how to >overcome the weaknesses of the flesh; without losing its >advantages! Mike: Plus keep its insurance rate steady! >Your >society would be as it was 15 years ago if it wasn't for the >fact your PATHETIC bodies weren't wired so TOTALLY different >from ours! [All chuckles] Crow: Yup, all bodies are *PUNY* and *WORTHLESS* compared to Joseph! >It's not >MY fault, or even my FATHER'S fault that this happened! Nobody >is at fault here but Robotnik!" Neph: But... David gave the information! He should be blamed partly! >He looked toward the smoking, hazy industrial >hell, and shook Charles vigorously. Tom: Breaking his neck, and killing Charles. Joseph was executed two weeks later. >"Don't you SEE?!" he cried, "It was >a tragic MISTAKE that the roboticizer was miswired for this >world's inhabitants, Mike : It's not your fault that you're weak! >and the drive of that sadistic egg-sucking simian that made >it the menace it is now!!" Crow: "Robotnik" and "egg-sucking" just SHOULD NOT be used in the same sentence. >Having exhausted his venom, he glanced over at the creature he >had captured. His eyes watered with the cybernetic equivilent >of tears. "Boy...I'm sorry. It's just that--" Neph : I just tend to go psychotic with no warning. Oh wait, here it comes ag-*SNAP* >Joseph lowered him to the ground, becoming suddenly calm. "You >don't need to apologize, sir. I understand why you would have >so much hatred for my father...it's just that, well, he and I >were very close. [Tom retches] >Ever since >I woke up here, I have had to deal with the grief of losing him, >my friends, my world..." He fell silent, and wiped tears from >his eyes. Mike : Oh well, I have you pathetic people to bother! >"I don't want it to happen here, sir. I'd never wish what >happened to me on anyone...not even Robotnik." Crow: So, he smashed the robotic octopus in psychotic glee OOC? Hey, that rhymed! >Somberly dusting himself off, the robotic hedgehog sighed. "I >lost control. I shouldn't have snapped at you. Neph: Yes, no one can repel Joseph's Aura of Cool. >We both know that neither of us >are really at fault for what's happened here. It's Robotnik who >is to blame. He stole the plans, and he threw the coup. Tom: Wow, Robotnik's really strong. Able to throw a whole chicken coop? Mike: Obviously, he's been working out. >Not me, not you, not >your father, but Robotnik." Crow: And Martha Stewart also deserves some blame. >"You must have lived with so much guilt...." Joseph whispered, >"having to have lived for so long with the assumption that the >device was all your own. Neph : Must have felt like a real dork, huh? >I can relate to your feelings now, but there is no time for >therapy now. Your world will be decimated unless we can find >some way of reversing the effects of roboticization. I want to, >and must help." Tom: Joseph's such a boy scout. Maybe one of those needles on the merit badges can pierce his heart. >He looked >toward a certain star. "This is my home now." All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! >They stared into the sky for an eternity. Mike: And rusted. The End. Crow: Can we go now? >"I will give you whatever you need, and assist you in any manner >that I can," said Charles, "and I promise you, none shall know >of this until you feel it is time." Neph: We know. >"Thank you, Sir Charles." Tom : I won't kill you now. >"It's no problem, son." They shook hands, nodded, and went >their separate ways. Now both had a new variable to deal with; >and some new hope. [All hum the Star Wars opening theme.] >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >- - - - - > >Over the next few days, Charles would sneak out to the edge of >the Great Forest, and give Joseph as much information as he >possibly could about the roboticizer Robotnik had as he could. Mike : Well, I'm sure the Roboticizer is in Robotropolis! >Diagrams, circuits, anything that >might be important to the process, Joseph had by the end of a >few days. Crow: Plus the world's biggest storage of porn. >Comparing it to the roboticization process he was familiar with, >he was able to understand how far he had to go in order to >reverse the process sucessfully...in theory. Neph: But how could you stick five cows into a phone booth? >However, he needed one of the power rings. He couldn't just >take one; they'd ask what he wanted it for, and he didn't want >to tell them yet. Stealing one was out of the question. Tom: C'mon Joseph! You've already alienated your readers! Stealing some power rings isn't going to affect us! >He pondered this for a while. >Eventually, he simply moved on with his experiments by running >simulations, but they didn't have the important x-factor he >needed calculated in; Mike: Taco-Bell Burritos? Crow: Dancing Hamsters? Neph: An energy source? Tom: A plan? >the >potential energy of a power ring. All: Oh. Mike: Could have fooled me. >He moped around the power ring pool whenever he wasn't working, >dismally looking down toward the generator. Charles couldn't >help him build a replica of it, because he had to destroy the >plans when Robotnik took over. Crow: Plus his toothpick sculpture. >Thus, he was just going to have to wait a bit longer...but he >hated waiting! Lives were at stake. Neph: You know, I sure there's a Zen phrase concerning this... >One day, he just snapped. Tom: That implies he was normal before. >He timed the exact generation of a power ring down to a second, >and prepared himself to grab it. As it began its ascent, he >heard Sonic coming. Mike: Joseph had not included this in his hypothesis! What was he to do? >Quickly, he positioned himself in front of the pool, so Sonic >would have to go through him to get it. When the ring crested >the surface, he grabbed it just as the hedgehog arrived. Crow: *Brilliant* timing, Joey. >"Hey, Joe!" he shouted, "Gimme that ring." > >Joseph looked at him blankly. [Neph chuckles slightly] Tom : Sorry... had to replace my brain with a 486... it's loading up now. >"Well? Give it." He began to tap his foot impatiently on the >ground. Mike: Sonic's in character, everyone! Give Joseph a hand! >Joseph was in a rough spot. He needed the ring. Sonic wanted >the ring. He couldn't deny him it; it was his birthright. Yet, >he needed the ring in order to complete his experiment. Crow: Joseph decided murder would be best. >Would it be better to tell him now or >later? What to d--? Neph: Or just cut off the text. >"Be that way, then." Quickly, Sonic jumped up and wrapped his >hand around the ring, and attempted to snatch it from his >hand... > >And then, something quite unique happened. Tom: Something happened. >The nova effect covered both Sonic and Joseph. Levitating them >both into the air, it glowed brighter than it ever did before. >Lightning crackled from the bubble as the wind began to be >sucked into it, and a low roar was beginning to be heard around >the area... All: Oooo. Ahhh. >There was a bright flash of light. Mike: So, was everyone nuked? Crow: Hopefully. >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >- - - - - - > >[Joseph's internal chronological record of the next day or so is >somewhat fuzzy. The following log was given to the historial >record from Joseph's own auditory reception. Neph: A historical record for Joseph? Tom: Maybe as a warning to other people. >No visual records of this period exist. >Time has been estimated to the nearest minute.] Mike: Or hour. >+00 hours, 02 minutes > >"Sonic! Sally's look--oh muh stars! HELP!!" Crow: That's...um...Bunny! Neph: Very good! You get 50 points! >Static. > >+00:03 > >"C'mon, help get him up, Rotor." Mike: "That's a good one, Bunny. Say, let's put him back in the mine. I think Robotnik replaced the octopus." >"Boy, he's heavy." Crow: "He's a load. What do you think?" >Static. > >+00:10 > >"Do you think he'll be okay, Aunt Sally?" Neph: "I hope not." >"I don't know, Tails. Maybe he just needs to rest." Tom: "Taka-whacka-boom-bang." >Static. > >+00:45 > >"Joe! C'mon, Joe, wake up!" Mike: "It's time to die!" >Static. > >+01:25. > >"...he's got his eyes back..." Crow: "He has the eyes... of his father." >Static. > >+02:00 > >"Ah cain't get into his house, Sally. Bob's got it locked >down." Neph: "I think my head's been shot off." >"Can't you explain to it what's happ--" Tom: "ARGHHHHHHHHhhhhhh....the pain." >Static. > >+02:56 > >"See what I mean? Every once in a while, his eyes wi--" Mike: "wink?" Crow: "Whiten?" Neph: "with?" Tom: "Wig out?" >Static. > >+05:15 > >"He still hasn't moved, Sal. I think he's de--" Mike: "Demonic?" Crow: "Derelict?" Neph: "Deaf?" Tom: "Dense?" >Static. > >+08:02 > >"And there it goes again!" [All except Neph snicker] Mike: "You know, in foresight, that cattle prod WAS a good investment." Crow: "I was infatuated by him? Damn, it's small." >"He's not dead. He probably wishes he was, tho." Neph: Wha? Is Mr. T talking? Tom : I pity the foo' that messes with Joseph! >Static. > >+20:35 > >"Still there?" Mike: "Yes, unfortunately." >"I guess so. Look at him twitch." Crow: "Just like one of those carp we catch. Cept' I think the carp are smarter." >"Wait! Don't pus--" Neph: "How did you know about my skin condition?" >Static. > >+40:00 > >"I'm not goin' in there, Sal, and you can't make me." Tom: "You know, I bet a certain beaked one would like to say something right now." Crow: "Bite me." Mike: "Guys..." >"But Sonic..." Neph: "SOMEBODY has to change his diaper." >Static. > >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >- - - - > >+47:00 > ><<"Reboot completed.">> Tom: "Glitch, rifle!" >"Sally..." Mike: "I'm becoming seduced by Joseph and I'm a male." ><<"Self-diagnositic cycle commencing.">> Crow: <<"Begin flushing of waste from internal systems.">> >"What is it, Rotor?" Neph: "I think the poison's taking effect." Tom: "About time." ><<"Repairs complete.">> Mike: <<"Beginning smug utilizing.">>> >"Uhh...it's alive." All: "DAMN!" ><<"Sensor reacclimation complete.">> Neph: <<"Initiate Techno-babble.">> >"Tails! Get out of here, now!" Crow: "Sonic and I were just studying the mission plan VERY closely." ><<"All systems at 100%.">> Tom: <<"Interest remains at 0%.">> >*sounds of people rushing out of the room* Mike: "Forget Joseph! Sears has coats at 75% off!" ><<"Visual systems reactivated.">> Crow: <<"Begin boring description.">> >Suddenly, all he saw was white as his visual sensors came back >online. Neph: Whoops, guess he DID die! >In >a few seconds, they had properly reacclimated to the >environment, and he took some time to examine where he was. Tom: Wow. A description. That's original. >It was a hut, plainly decorated and felt somewhat sterile. It >was empty, save for a bed and the small cloud of dust that was >drifting around...obviously, from the rapid departure of several >parties. Mike: Or so Joseph hoped, since he was deathly allergic to pollen. >He felt >no offense by this; they were being cautious. Crow: He wanted to directly question them some more, though. >He hopped out of bed. Standing upon the ground, he assumed that >his sensors were still malfunctioning; he felt about half his >original height. Tom: It wasn't until he tried to walk that he discovered his legs had been cut off... >Activating his homing beacon, he began to follow the signal back >to his home, where he could do the necessary repairs. He >stumbled out of the hut, and quickly did a scan. Nothing. Neph: Are we describing the suspense in the fanfic? >They were all inside. Seeing no >threats, he wandered back toward the trail that led back to his >dome. Mike: Joseph had had too many margaritas, I see. >As he stumbled back up the sidewalk that led to his home, he >noticed he had a lot of excess energy. He wanted to run up the >sidewalk, rather than safely walking. Crow: But he didn't, because Scruff McGruff said it was wrong to run up stairs. >He pushed those strange thoughts out of his mind as he >opened the portal and walked into his home. Neph: What? No false conclusion? No scientific stuff? >A few minutes later, he was in his laboratory, and standing in >the diagnostic tube. Activating the scan, he wondered what >exactly had happened to him. Tom: Turns out, he had changed genders! Mike: Joseph 1/2. >"Joseph, sensors indicate a change on the subatomic level." Crow : You're made of chocolate now. >"Is it damaging?" Joseph was startled by the sound of his own >voice. It sounded a lot like Sonic's. Neph: Oh... I see what is happening. I hope not, though. >The mimicry software was obviously still not >at 100%, he thought, and readjusted his voice (with some >difficulty) back to the default. Tom : OK, adjust the hyperwoofers to 43%, delete the polytechnic transmitters... there! >"Negative. It has, however, increased your speed by 10,000%." Mike: Huh. >Joseph was surprised. "Wow, that ring packs some punch." he >uttered, returning to his usual tone. "What other changes have >occured?" Crow: Joseph isn't fazed much, is he? Neph : You're also dead. Tom : Oh, that's interesting. Anything else? >"You have also begun to take on the characteristics of the >entity called Sonic the Hedgehog. Mike: Entity? This reads like AD&D. Crow: You've never even played that game, Nelson. Mike: Well, it SOUNDS like it would come from the game. >However, your internal systems are counteracting the >effects, and will have you internally back to default settings >in another day." All: Yay. >Bahb paused briefly, and beeped. "However, the visual effects >are going to require additional power to counteract." Neph : But I'm too lazy. You're on your own, vulpine boy! >"What do you mean?" Tom: Bahb means, THE VISUAL EFFECTS ARE GOING TO REQUIRE ADDITIONAL POWER TO COUNTERACT! >"A visual apprasal has concluded that you appear to be Sonic." > >Joseph was shocked. This was why everyone was so frightened >before! It wasn't just a sensory error... Mike: Joseph knew there was another reason people were running away! Everybody usually loved Joseph... >"However, several things about you are far different than him. >Your quills are orange. Your eyes are silver, with no pupils. >You're wearing boots." Crow: Yes, boots also are part of biological makeup! Neph: Perhaps they're symbiotic. >Joseph was still in a daze. "How...?" Tom: ...is this interesting to us? >"Unknown. Hypothesis suggests that the power ring, being suited >for Sonic's DNA, caused your biological systems to take on his >genetic code when he activated it. Mike: So, in that episode on the USA Sonic series when Robotnik stole that power ring from Antione and used it to power a Sonic tracking missile launcher... Crow: Wrong. Joseph knows all. >You were knocked mostly unconscious during the >shock, and your internal cybernetics rushed to keep up with your >physical mutations." Neph: That made no sense. >Joseph nodded, still in shock. "Do you think I can ever return >to original form?" Tom : Not if I can help it! BWA-HA-HA-HA! >"Unknown. Your inital transformation put a heavy strain on your >internal robotics. It is very improbable that they could take >such a strain again." Mike : So let's try it, shall we? >Joseph decided to get away from generalities, which were >beginning to frighten him, and get back to specific problems. >"Why are my eyes silver and pupilless, as you said before?" Crow: Well, Joseph obviously has no soul, so... >"When the intial blast occured, it blasted your original eyes >from your sockets, being that you were at ground zero. Tom: Ah... I found my happy thought. >It took exactly one hour >twenty minutes for new eyes to be created, and for them to fill >up your new eye sockets. Neph: Just like that? >Unfortunately, they are not visually pleasing yet, because >your nanite repair system is still finishing up your primary >systems." [Ned the Nanite's voice can suddenly be heard.] Ned: Heynowthat'sdiscriminationyou'llbeseeingmeincourtbuddyyou won'thavealegtostandonyou'llbelivinginskidrowwiththedogshahahaha. Mike: That was interesting. >"This concerns me, Bahb." Crow : I'm not as cool now! WAHHHHHH! >"Affirmative. However, it is a logical conclusion that you >should probably learn to cope with this form, because it's going >to be yours for a while." Neph : Ever think of crossdressing? >Joseph mulled this over. "Yes, I suppose so." Tom: Begin sulking! >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >- - - - > >A few more days went by. Every once in a while, someone from >Knothole would come by, and try to see if any movment from >Joseph's dome was detected. And every time, they noted nothing. Mike: Except for the screams and chainsaw noises, but that was all. >All anyone could hear was a >low hum. Since no communication had been heard from the dome, >they were beginning to wonder how he was. Sonic felt especially >guilty, since he appearently caused it. Crow: You know, Sonic needed his ego to be drained, but not by feeling sorry for Joseph. >"It's my fault he went all haywire," he would tell Sally at >length. "If I wouldn'tve been in such a hurry, he'd still be >around. Now he's messed up big time. I wouldn't be surprised >if he never came out again." Neph: That's a *bad* thing? >And, for a while, he seemed to be right. Nobody could get in, >and nobody had left. They mused on his status. Some said he >had gone in there to die. Tom: And I hope those "some" are right. >A few clung to the belief that he was creating a new body to >return to his original form. Most people, however, couldn't >come to a conclusion at all. Mike: They were stupid, low worms before the great angsting Joseph. >Then, when they had almost lost all hope, the portal opened. Crow: The carnage began. >A figure >left the dome, starting slowly, and then speeding up. He went >faster and faster, and faster still. Tom: Faster and faster and harder and harder until... Mike: Tom! >When he reached the center of Knothole, a sonic >boom went off, and he roared through the forest toward the Great >Jungle. Neph: Next to the Sorta Large Desert. >Nobody had to say anything. They knew what it meant. Sally, >after glancing once at Sonic, knew exactly what was going to >happen next. Crow: A star-studded celebration! >Seconds later, a second sonic boom went off, and both supersonic >hedgehogs were gone. Neph: Both are dead, the end. >They raced around Mobius, over water, land, and chasm. All: Ooo. >They burrowed deep >into the earth, swung on vines, and lept high into the air. All: Ahh. >Finally, they >reached the summit of the highest mountain, Tom: The Mountain of Joseph's Ego. >and stopped their relentless >pursuit of each other. Mike: Then, the loving began... >Joseph took a few breaths. "You are fast." said the orange >blur. Neph: Wha? Are they still running? >"So are you." said the blue. Crow: THRILL as they complement each other! >"I suppose you'd like an explaination." Tom: NO! DON'T! >"Yes, that would be nice." Tom: NOOOOOOOOO! >Joseph explained the entire preiciment to Sonic as best he >could. Mike : Well, it turns out my DNA could handle your PATHETIC bodies, and I changed into you, of all the sad things. Say, have you and Sally done it yet? >Trying to dumb it down enough for the relatively non-technical >hedgehog, he tried to explain about his father, Sonic's uncle, >and the power ring effect. Crow : In conclusion, you are an idiot. >"So that's why you tried to steal that ring..." Tom : Actually, no. I wanted it so I could pierce my butt. >"Yes," Joseph whispered, "that is why." Neph : WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! SPEAK LOUDER! >"I can see now why you wouldn't want to tell Sal and I about >somethin' like that. Way past uncool." Mike: Like this fic? >"Yes, it is." > >"We wouldn't have hurt you for what your father did, Joe." Crow : We would have TORTURED him. >"I could not know that for sure," he gasped, taking in more >oxygen. Neph: Wait, I thought Joseph was a robot. Why would he need air? Tom: Because he's an android. Neph: Then how come R. Daneel, in Asimov's robot novels, can breathe without oxygen? Tom: Just accept it, Neph. >"You couldn't have, could you?" Sonic mused. Mike: "Sonic" and "musing" do not go together. >Joseph nodded, and moved on to the next thing on his mind. "I >hope the blast didn't injure you." Crow : Because I want to do all the injuring myself. >"Nah," Sonic said, "it's cool. Used up the whole ring, tho. >But I got another one this morning." Neph: So, when does something happen? >"That's good." > >"Yeah." Tom: ARGH! This makes Manos seem fast-paced! >The wind whistled through their quills, but neither of them >seemed to mind. Mike: ....no. >"Whaddya gonna do now, Joe?" Crow : I dunno... maybe go into real estate... write some books... get a wife, have some little vulpines.... >"I don't know. I certainly can't help your world until I get my >head together. I've seen too much in the last few days...I >gotta go off and think. You can understand why." Neph : Although it might be a far stretch, considering your PATHETIC bodies. >"Yes," he nodded, "I can." > >"I must go." Tom : Then go. Mike : You see- Tom : Yes, yes, I understand. Go. Mike : It must be very difficult... Tom : Just GO! >With that, Joseph rolled into a ball, and shot down the hill. >Sonic just stood there, looking out toward the horizon, >wondering... Crow: Would Joseph hit the mines he had placed around the mountain? >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >- - - - - > > EPILOGUE > >Sonic returned to Knothole a few hours later, after he had >gotten his own head together. Neph: Using E-Z head fix-it! >He realized how very confused Joseph must be at that >moment, and put together a proper fabrication to tell the rest >of Knothole about it. Tom : Duh... Joseph was captured by aliens, and they said not to follow him. >He walked back to the edge of Knothole, where Sally was the >first to confront him. "Sonic? Where's Joseph? What >happened?" Mike [Rattled]: N-nothing hap-pened.... >Sonic looked plainly back at Sally. "He needs to be alone for a >bit." Crow : Joseph must pity himself! >Sally gave Sonic a wicked look. "I *knew* that, Sonic. What I >mean is, what happened? Where did you guys go?" Neph : Strawberry Fields, where nothing is real. >Sonic leaned up against the wall. "Oh," he said, "we just ran >around for a bit." Tom : Grabbed a quick shake. >"For three hours?" > >"It's a guy thing, Sal." Mike: Then how come I never did that? Crow: Because you were never a "man", Nelson. >Sally started to become cross. "Look, just tell me whether or >not he's coming back." Neph: I dunno, it'd be pretty hard for a mammal to retract after that occurred. Tom: Thanks for giving me eternal nightmares, Neph. >"I don't know, Sal. He said he's all messed up, and he's gotta >juice around until he knows what time it is." Mike: It's time for BOZO! >She sighed. "Well, I hope he comes back before something major >happens." Crow: Don't worry. This is an S-I fanfic. Nothing major EVER happens to the other characters. >Sonic got up from against the wall, and put his arm around her >shoulders. "He will, Sal. He just needs to be alone for a >while." Neph: As mentioned the past 43 times. >"But what if Robotnik captures him, and his technology falls >into the wrong hands?" Tom: His technology is ALREADY in the wrong hands, Sally. >Sonic suddenly began to smile. "'Butt-nik isn't gonna catch >him, Sal. He's the 2nd-fastest thing on Mobius." Mike: Next to the car salesman we met a few years ago. >Sally shot Sonic a faux-questioning look. "And what, pray tell, >is *the* fastest thing on Mobius?" Crow: Antoine? >"Want a hint?" > >"Antoine?" Neph: Hm. You were right, Crow. >Sonic acted shocked. "Oh, c'mon, Sal." Tom: Nothing like light-hearted humor to destroy your soul! >"But who could be faster?" > >"A slug is faster than Antoine, Sal." Mike: Heck, a tree sloth could surpass Antione! Crow: So true. >Sally giggled. "Well, I suppose you're right. C'mon, we better >get back to Knothole and explain what happened." Neph : Leave the lying to me. >They wandered back to Knothole, wondering of their friend's >fate. Tom: Sure. At least, I hope not. >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >- - - - - - > > THE END? (of course not) Mike: Well, thanks for ruining our hope. >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >- - - - - - > > > -- That cyberpunk. > >-- >Send $1.00 or more The SubGenius Foundation >and a SASE on over P.O. BOX 140306 >to this address -> Dallas, Texas 75214 > Tell 'em >"Bob" sent ya! Crow: Uh-oh, this is going to freak out Zeke Wadd. Mike: Well, let's go. Neph: OK, let me just... [Neph tries to get up, but ends up falling on Tom with most of his body. Don't ask how.] Neph: Oops. Mike: You OK, Tom? [No answer] Crow: Well, guess he's dead. Dibs on his stuff! Mike: Crow! Neph, can you handle this? Neph: Of course. [All leave] [Note from Mr. Catbert: In interest of sarcasm, I've decided to show Tom's record during the operation. Enjoy. Or don't.] +00 hours, 2 minutes "Blimey, I guess I don't know my own strength." "Can you fix him?" "Probably not." "Hey, guys, The Super Mario Brothers Super Show Marathon is on!" "Wait for me, Crow. Stay frosty, OK Neph?" "Su-" Static. +00:12 "Look at all those extraneous parts. And the immovable arms! Now I HAVE to change your body." +00:21 "Mr. Catbert?" "Yes, weak one?" *Sounds of fighting can be heard* "What's going on?" "Oh, Katone's fighting the boss. And Katone is winning. Obviously." "Ow!" "You downed THREE Cap ships, you idiot! THIS is for the carrier you destroyed!" "Ohhh...my sensitive spot." *Collapse.* "Sounds like home." Static. +00:43 "Hm, so let's get the supplies...rocket launcher, flamethrower, hydraulic legs, tentacles, artificial skin...yup, all here. Now, time for Operation!" +02:34 "Now, why does Mario make those sounds?" "It's one of the mysteries of life, Crow. How's Tom doing, Neph?" "Fine, just f-oh dear. You have a washcloth, Nelson?" +06:12 "Whoops, snapped off another vital part. Damn, this is hard. Of course, with your pathetic bodies..." Static. +11:57 "Wow, that was fun. Bowser was an inspiration to m-Neph, what have you DONE?!" "Nice, isn't it? I was about to boot him up." "Neph, you made Tom into a Nephilim cyborg. What did I tell you about this?" "It's just the body." "Neph, Tom hates you. He'd kill you in an instant with the weaponry." "Oh, he wouldn't" "Do I have to show you the pictures, Neph?" *Ruffling can be heard.* Static. +12:03 "Wow. How could someone draw so much violence, if their arms can't work?" "Don't ask." "Very well, I'll shut Tom down. Good night, humans. I'm going to steep in the ductwork." *A click can be heard, then endless static...* FIN Keith's notes: Gah... my hate for Joseph is rising. I have a feeling I'll go feral after this is all over. Oh well. Alicia provides me with enough support for now that my sanity remains. Anywho, e-mail me at sir_katone@hotmail.com for comments! I'm outta here! Alicia's Notes: Good lord, this story was... um, Joseph. I don't do too much on these besides assemble Keith's riffs together and help keep him sane in the face of frightening Agar speeches. So, I hope you all enjoyed my, er... formatting, and I hope to have the privilege of helping present Keith's work to you next time. Ciao!