WARNING: This misting contains shounen-ai/yaoi. If you're under the age/maturity level of 16, I wouldn't continue reading this, at least not past the host segment. The fic is called Junon cannon, and it contains sexual scenes between a male and a female. Keep in mind that if you read this and get offended, it's not my fault, because I warned you. Flames will not be tolerated. Read at your own risk. Thanks. In the far and distant future Somewhere far away There is a Turk named Reno And his life was real okay He worked for the Shinra Institute Just another Turk in a dark blue suit He did a good job slouching 'round the place But Palmer didn't like him So he shot him into space! "WHERE'S MY BEER?!" He'll send him cheesy fanfics The worst that he can find He has to sit and read them all And he monitors his mind Now keep in mind Reno can't control Where this $#!+ begins and ends. Because he used those special parts To bring up a few close friends SHINRA ROLL-CALL: Rufus (O_o) Reeve (^_^) Tseng (@_@) Ruuuuddddeee! (~_*) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe And other science facts Keep in mind this is just a spoof; Perhaps you should relax For Shinra Fanfic Theatre 5000 (twang) Episode #7- Hi! I'm Scarlet, and I'm a skanky whore! -or- OH MY GOD!! I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY DID THAT!!!! Rude glared. He really didn't want to do this. He hated it, and he had a feeling that they hated him too. The pile of dishes from dinner glared right back at him. Sighing, Rude picked one up, rinsed the food off of it, and was about to stick it in the dishwasher, when long slender hands, removed it from his. Strong arms wrapped around his waist, and he turned around. It was Reno, standing there in a dark blue robe, and blue bunny slippers. "Reno!" Reno gave Rude his cutest smile, and slipped his hands into Rude's. "Aw, c'mon darling, it was just a joke. He saw Rude's glare crumble. Grinning, he pulled him into the living room. "Dr. Dolittle's waiting." Rude groaned. As they stepped into the living room, he saw Tseng, Reeve and Rufus conversing in front of the monitor. When everybody was in the room, Tseng reached over and pushed a cheerful little smiley-face button. On the screen, a chubby bald guy was bouncing around cheerfully in the background, and an evil mad scientist-looking guy stood in the front, finger a mako-gun. "Y'know," said the evil mad scientist-looking guy, "I'm going to kill Palmer one of these days." He glanced over the quintet he had captured and smiled. "Aw, how cute. All in your bunny slippers and robes. Too bad you won't have time to change before the fanfic starts." "That's okay!" Reeve replied cheerfully. "We're all quite comfortable, really." Rufus grinned at the annoyed look on Professor Hojo's ugly face. Rufus swore that man had fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down when he was younger. Hojo changed the subject. "Are you ready for today's invention exchange?" The others groaned. "Aw, c'mon, Hojo, it's too late at night for that..." "Very well then. I'll just be twice as evil as I was going to be. The fic I'm sending you is a HORRID little lemony-type-thing, called 'Junon Cannon'. It involves Rufus and Scarlet," Hojo made a face. Rude could be heard throwing up, Reno, Reeve, and Tseng had gone white. Rufus blushed. Hojo laughed maniacally, but then the sirens came on, and he was drowned out as everyone except Rude rushed towards the theatre. Rude dashed onto the bridge, to monitor everything that went on. [Door Sequence] >FINAL FANTASY VII >Chapter Six: Junon Cannon Rufus: Why do I have a bad feeling about this? Reno: Does the phrase "Typical Night at the Station" mean ANYTHING to you? Reeve: (Dr. Evil) No, Scarlet, we do not hump the "Junon Cannon". Perhaps you and the "Junon Cannon" would like a room. >* * * Tseng: Ice dancers! >Tifa slapped her opponent down easily. The head of Shinra's Weapon Department was furious. Rufus: Since when is Tifa with Shinra, Inc? Tseng: Since when is she an executive? Reeve: Hell if I know. >She ordered her two soldiers to shoot Tifa. Of course, they fired numerous shots from a close range and >missed horribly as Tifa easily escaped onto the Highwind. Tseng: That has to be the OLDEST cliche` in the book. Reno: What would that be? Rufus: RPG/BOOK/MOVIE rule #93852; all troops of the bad guys cannot hit the broad side of a barn. Reeve: No, no, no! That's rule #724! Rufus: Then what's rule #93852? Reeve: I have no clue. >"Damn that bitch!" yelled Scarlet. "You stupid soldiers couldn't even hit her!" She kicked them both >into the ocean in anger. "Kya ha ha! That's better." Avalanche had escaped from the hands of Shinra >yet again. The President wasn't going to be too happy about this. Reno: That and Reno had forgotten his doughnuts again. That always made him angry. >Scarlet walked back into the local Shinra base. On the top floor, Rufus, Heidegger, and a few soldiers >were waiting. Reno: One, two, three, turn. One, two, three turn. Reeve: Huh? Reno: Pacing. >The man in the white trench coat spoke first. Rufus: (singing) They're coming to take me away, ha-ha, they're coming to away, ho-ho, to the funny-farm... Reno: Well, I'm not surprised. *ducks* >"There you are, Scarlet. We're all lucky to have survived the Weapon attack. At least Avalanche is no >longer a threat." Tseng: That's what youuuuu think . . . >"Um, sir?" questioned Scarlet. "We have a small problem." Rufus: (Hades) You're forgetting one itsy-bisty, teeny-weeny, minor little detail! >Rufus could see in her face a hint of worry. "Hmmm... Heidegger, get these soldiers out of here. Scarlet, >follow me into this room." Reeve: Hey! They're trying to escape this fic! Rufus: (Scarlet) C'mon, let's get out of here! >Rufus led Scarlet into a small but private chamber. Here Tifa and Barret had waited for seven days >while Meteor advanced toward the Planet. Rufus had caught a glimpse of Scarlet's face. "What's wrong, >Scarlet? You're not laughing the way you usually do." Rufus was rather observant. Reno: In the way that noticing a neon yellow cow with no legs is sitting in the middle of your living room singing "Wannabe" is observant . . . Tseng: (Qui-Gon Jinn) The ability to observe does not make you intelligent. >"Well, boss..." Scarlet sat down one of the two beds in the center of the room. She was horribly >ashamed. "Avalanche escaped." Reeve: Run away! RUN AWAY! >"What!?" Tseng: They're real smart. >Rufus was pissed. "How?" Reno: Where? When? Why? Tseng: Who? Rufus: Ugh! >"They took the Highwind," said Scarlet softly. Reeve: No, they didn't. It's merely missing at the moment. >"Damn!" yelled Rufus. "It was that Cid, wasn't it? We should have killed them all when we had a >chance." Tseng: (Rufus) Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! >"I'm sorry, boss," whispered Scarlet as she looked into Rufus' narrow eyes. Rufus: So hard to squeeze through... >"Well..." Rufus was interrupted by a thought of the distant past. Reno: (singing) In the far and distant future... >"Yes?" inquired Scarlet. Reno: So now she's turned into that receptionist on the 39th floor. >"Oh, nothing. I just thought of something from a long time ago." Rufus: Was it from a galaxy far away? >"What is it, boss? You can tell me. You can tell me anything you want." Reeve: Well, alright. *girly voice* My name is Scarlet, and I'm a skanky little whore. >Rufus remembered the event clearly now. Tseng: He can see clearly now, the rain is gone. Rufus: You mean the brain . . . > "Well, okay. I remember the day Dad hired you. It was almost ten years ago." Reno: A long, long time ago... in a Shinra building, far away... >Scarlet nodded in recognition. "Yes. Your father was a good leader. It's too bad he was killed. But >now Shinra has a far better master. Kya ha ha! That's you, boss." Reeve: No friggin' duh! I thought it was Dark Nation . . . silly me . . . >Rufus was rather impressed. "Thank you, Scarlet, but you may call me Rufus." Tseng: Hi, I'm Rufus Shinra and I'm here to fire you! >Scarlet wanted to hear more. Reeve: Tell her more! Tell her more! >"Oh, okay, Rufus. What else did you want to say?" Tseng: Oh, just random stuff. >Rufus continued. "I remembered when Dad said that you were hired. I was glad that he had hired you. Rufus: We needed another skanky little whore around here. Reeve: (Christina Aguilera) Hi, I'm Christina, and I'm a skanky little whore! >After you left the office, I asked him if there was any way in the world I could be your boss. He asked >me why, and I told him. He said no, that company business and personal pleasure didn't mix." Tseng: He only screwed on the couch. Rufus: How do you know? Tseng: Well... I...um... hey! >The President of Shinra bowed his head down after revealing the truth to his trusted employee. Reno: He says a little pray for you. >Scarlet was astonished at the truth. "I didn't know that..." The head of the Weapons Department felt >quite flattered. "I've been here for ten years, and I've let Shinra... I've let you down, Rufus. Reeve: (Rufus) Put me down!!!! Reno: (Scarlet) Are you sure, sir? Reeve: Of course I'm sure! Reno: Okay, you're the ugliest son of a bitch I've ever known! Rufus: Hey! >"No you haven't, Scarlet." said Rufus sadly. >The unemotional leader of Shinra took a seat next to his employee on the comfortable mattress. Rufus: How can one be sad and unemotional at the same time? >He gently put his right hand around her right shoulder. "I'm a failure, Rufus. I don't know if I can go >on..." cried the dejected Scarlet. Reeve: Oh, boo-hoo. Get over it. >Rufus was now unusually compassionate. Reno: Compassionate as a rock. Tseng: So he's sad, compassionate, and still manages to be unemotional? Rufus: I'm so talented! > "You've done a fine job so far, remember? You've allowed Mako to spread throughout the Planet. >You've found two Huge Materia and erected the Junon Cannon. You should be proud of yourself." Reno: Pride is of the devil! >Scarlet buried her head against Rufus' chest. "Is that really enough? Is it worth it go on knowing that >I've failed? I couldn't even kill that stupid bitch!" Though she was sad, Scarlet felt a great comfort in >Rufus' arms. He was being kind and gentle. Rufus: Aw... how sweet. Reno: I think I may throw up. > She had never seen this side of him before. Reno: What side's she lookin' at? Reeve: The inside? Rufus: I'm Inside-Out Boy! >Rufus could no longer stand to see his top female employee like this. Reno: (as Rufus) Out! Now! Shoo! >The memory of his father the day Scarlet joined Shinra continued to plague his mind. "Please, Scarlet, >you can't give up. If you leave, I... I don't know what I would do without you." Tseng: There's a joke in there SOMEWHERE... I know it! >Scarlet was charmed by the President's kind words. Reeve: What can I say? He _is_ quite the charmer. >She remembered Rufus' accomplishments. The spread of Mako, the two Huge Materia, the Junon >Cannon... All were results of her hard work. Rufus: Yes, that's right!!! Even though I didn't do anything, I should still get all the credit! >"Thank you so much, Rufus." As she thought more about Rufus and Shinra, she suddenly realized how >important she was to the organization. She felt a great sensation building in her heart. Reeve: Earth! Rufus: Fire! Reno: Wind! Tseng: Water! Reeve: Heart! All: GOOOO PLANET! She couldn't >resist. She gave Rufus a long, hard kiss on the lips. Reeve: Hey! Get off 'im! He's MINE!!! >"Scarlet..." said Rufus quietly. Scarlet began sucking and licking at his neck. Reno: 'Cause the lady is a vamp/She's a vixen not a tramp . . . >"Stop... We can't do this... It's not right..." Tseng: Or left. Rufus: Then what is it? Reno: Oh, that's easy. It's disgusting. >Scarlet looked up at Rufus. He was being weak. She now had the upper hand. "Kya ha ha! What's >wrong, Rufus? Aren't your dreams finally coming true?" Reeve: (Rufus) Don't make me sick. >Rufus' genitals enlarged as he held Scarlet close to him. She was right. He caught a peek down into >Scarlet's red dress. He became Reno: Sick. >excited and gave her a wild kiss on the lips. Their tongues wrestled together for well over a minute. She >gently pulled away and caught her breath. Reeve: I'm just gonna go twitch now... *twitches* >Scarlet was enjoying their private time together. "Rufus..." Tseng: (Scarlet/Vader) I am your mother's sister's fourth cousin's best friend's fiancé's former roommate's fake tree. Rufus: So what does that make us? Tseng: Absolutely nothing. Prepare to die. >She pushed him away and off the bed. She knelt down at his feet and hugged his knees. Looking up, >she said, "I want you, Reeve: . . . to bow down before me! I am the god! I am the god! KYAHAHAHAHA! >Rufus." Rufus: I think I'm gonna be sick. >Rufus stood tall and proud as Scarlet slowly and delicately pulled down his pants. "Scarlet... What are >you doing?" Reno: Y'know, that was a stupid question to ask. >Scarlet laughed. "Kya ha ha! What do you think? I'm doing exactly what my job has required." Scarlet >was proud of her accomplishments at Shinra. "I'm finding your two Huge Materia, erecting your Junon >Cannon, and allowing you to spread Mako all over me..." All: (laughing hysterically) >Rufus was initially silent as Scarlet began sucking on his Junon Cannon. He had never been treated this >way. He unleashed a stream of his Mako into her mouth as she continued sucking and licking every >little portion of his pulsating penis. Rufus: Y'know, twitching sounds like a good idea... *twitch* *twitch* >She tasted his warm, sweet fluids as she moved her tongue faster around his genitalia. Reeve: Got milk? Tseng: Ew... >After a few minutes, Rufus pushed Scarlet away from him. Scarlet felt rejected. "Am I doing a bad >job?" She could still feel the sticky residue of her boss in her mouth. Rufus: SHE TRIED TO EAT ME!!!! Reno: Nobody's gonna get that... Rufus: I don't care. >Rufus was kind to her. Reno: Sheesh, Rufus... how much candy did you have for breakfast... > "No, not at all Scarlet. It's just that..." He held her dress at the shoulders with his two hands. With a >gentle touch that nobody could ever expect from him, Rufus removed Scarlet's red gown from her body >and dropped it on the floor. Scarlet removed Rufus' white shirt for him as he undid her lingerie, >exposing her spectacular breasts and juicy pussy. Reeve: *runs to the back of the theatre and throws up* >Scarlet snuggled closer to Rufus. "I love you, Rufus." Rufus: *runs to the side and pukes* >Rufus finally admitted his feelings. "I love you too, Scarlet." Tseng: (Rufus) Aw, I love you, you stupid bitch. >The President of Shinra followed the head of the Weapons Department as they both fell onto the soft bed. >Their arms held around each other in a passionate embrace. Rufus felt Scarlet's glorious pair of chest >cushions compress and toughen against his heart. All: *laugh* >Scarlet spread her legs out Reno: She really IS a Spice Girl! Rufus: Slutty Spice! Tseng: But aren't they all? >as Rufus moved his cannon into uncharted territory. His low grunts of happiness were masked only by >her joyful moans of sheer erotic pleasure. He shot his Mako around her entrance as she unleashed a >flood of pure, orgasmic ecstasy in response. They held each other tighter as they continued acting out >their passions. Reeve: Charades? >An large yet insignificant amount of time passed before they were done with each other. The two got up >and redressed themselves. They kissed once more before they left the room together, the signs of their >sin hidden from all. Rufus: How Scarlet can get dressed and leave while hanging out the window, I'll never know. >Heidegger was looking out the window in the next room. Reno: (Heidegger) Do-de-do-de-do... > He observed Weapon's wrath upon the city. He turned as Rufus and Scarlet entered the room. "The >plane is ready to take you to Midgar, sir." Rufus: That's cool. >Rufus jumped a bit when Heidegger spoke. Rufus: Reno, don't say it. Reno: ... Okay, I won't say... (Rufus) Eep! *WHAP!* > "All right, then. We're headed back to Midgar. We have Meteor to deal with now." Tseng: And some paperwork stuff too! >Scarlet resumed her usual attitude. "Kya ha ha! That stupid Meteor stands no chance against the forces >of Shinra, Inc." Rufus: Yeah! >Heidegger laughed in agreement. "Gya ha ha! We'll win, as always." Reeve: Always? >Rufus turned on Heidegger. Reno: Rufus, have you had your shots? > "Stop doing that stupid horse laugh, tubby." Tseng: Yeah! Laugh like this! BWAHAHAHAHA! >Heidegger was enraged. "But Scarlet..." Rufus: No... I'm Rufus. >Rufus continued bugging Heidegger. Reeve: (Rufus) Does this bug you? Does this bug you? I'm not touching you. Does this bug you? >"Never mind Scarlet. Just do what I tell you." Tseng: Go die a horrible bloody death. >Scarlet laughed as the three walked to the plane. A long time ago, she didn't think she could work for a >company like Shinra. She was very proud of her accomplishments. Now she had gone all the way with >the President. Her wet underskirt was evidence of her act. She longed to once again see, feel, and enjoy >his powerful Junon Cannon. Reeve: *falls out of his seat twitching* Reno: *throws up* >* * * Tseng: This didn't even deserve a NEGETIVE 3 stars! >This is a story that will have a tragic outcome, as neither Rufus nor Scarlet will survive the war against >Sephiroth. Rufus seemed so lonely; his job always interfered with his personal desires. He's a pretty >cool guy, thanks in part to his funky trench coat and massive shotgun (a real gun, not that kind). All: PERVERT! > And Scarlet? Well, she's usually viewed as a dumb whore (come on, you know it's true). I wanted to >show the deep and hidden emotional sides of both of these characters. Reno: No dice, pal. Reeve: Yeah. Rufus: At least he TRIED to show me as a human with feelings! Tseng: Tried is the key word here, is it not. Rufus: ... >I was wondering... Did Heidegger and Scarlet die with the Proud Clod? I'm assuming they did, but >there's no definite proof. Reno: Yes, thank God! >You can e-mail me at sailor_terra@hotbot.com with any ideas on your mind. Tseng: Heh. Heh. Heh. Rufus: Well, that wasn't so bad... Reeve: C'mon guys, let's get out of here! Tseng curled up in his bed, trying to ignore the noise from the couple in the next. Namely, Reno and Rude. Giving up, he grabbed his blanket and pillow, and padded of to the living room, where he met men with guns. Big guns. Slowly he raised his hands, and was escorted off the ship, and back to the Shinra HQ. Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, Squaresoft does, and I don't own the fanfic. The MSTing is unofficial (c) 2000, Royal Mouse Production. All references to movies, jokes not made up by me, etc, belong to their respective creators. No dolphins were killed to make this production. Batteries not included. No substitutions, exchanges or refunds. This side up. Feedback is appreciated. twm@ididitmyway.com