Mystery Octagon Theater: Episode 111 "Karnal Kombat" Original by Oni With a short: "One Destroys All," by Blue9Eagle MiSTed by the original members of Dingoes Ate My Baby: Alicia Ashby the Black Snotling Gerald "sven" Deo Nicholas Eckert James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight Brad "Mr. Fluffypants" Lawson Mua Mark Poa S.D. Ryukage John Stoddert TOKEN NEWBIE ----> Phil Vanciel <---- TOKEN NEWBIE Scott "W4" Watson Edited with a water knife by Thomas Wilde Additional surgery by James Howard Aided and abetted by Zrith =========== DISCLAIMER: =========== Once again, it's Mystery Octagon Theater 3000, that crazy crew of self-insertion MiSTers. We're strong enough for your mom, but made for a woman. Wait. That didn't come out right. Anyway, this is, as always, a decidedly non-standard MiSTing, so if you don't like that sort of thing, take the train. This MiSTing is rated R for demonoid phenomena. If you've got something to say about this MiSTing, take it to: http://network54.com/Hide/Forum/80982 ======== There was silence in the lightless hall. The air had a tinge of destiny and a pinch of expectancy floating amongst it as it lay still in the pitch-black atmosphere of the environment. Inside the darkness was what seemed to be an even darker shadow. The lightless figure's footsteps were nearly inaudible as it paced silently to the middle of the theater, adjusted the floppy brown hat atop its head, and crossed its arms behind its back as it held its gaze on the possible location of an unseen object. "That is one big screen," it said aloud. "HOW CAN YOU TELL?" the six hidden loudspeakers in the room boomed at him. "*Jesus*!" the dark figure blurted, holding its hands to its ears. "TOO LOUD?" the speakers boomed. "*Yes* you're too loud!" the shadow screamed upwards. "Turn the speakers down!" "I CAN'T FIND THE VOLUME KNOB," the speakers boomed. "Turn the lights on, then!" the shadow shouted upwards into the darkness. "OKAY," the speakers boomed. "JUST A SEC." The sound of footsteps became audible through the speakers. The sound gradually decreased in volume, stopped, and increased again. The sound of something bumping a microphone shot from the speakers and rang through the hall, a massive pound against everything in the room. "I CAN'T FIND THE LIGHT SWITCH," the speakers boomed. "Oh! *Swell*," the dark figure said. "IT WAS YOUR IDEA TO TURN ALL THE LIGHTS OFF," the speakers boomed. "Well, yeah!" the shadow shouted. "Because it's spooky! I need to get my whole 'spooky' vibe going. I'm, you know, a spook." "A SPOOK." "Or *whatever* the hell I am!" "AH AH AH AH AH." "*What*?" "NO FIRST-PERSON," the reminder boomed from the speakers. "Oh," the lightless figure said. "Right, right. Shit, this is *hard*." "HEY, I OFFERED YOU THIS PART." "I'm not saying hard's *bad*!" "FIRST-PERSON." "Shit. I'm sorry." The silence returned for a brief moment before being startled away again by the shadow's voice. "*It*'s sorry. That should have been, *it*'s sorry." "YOU AREN'T SAYING IT RIGHT," the speakers chastised. "Saying what?" "IT." "What's it?" "YOU'RE IT. I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE POINT." "*That*'s right," the shadow said. "Sorry." "NO PROB. LOOK, YOU HAVE TO SORT OF SAY IT WITH AN INFLECTION AT THE BEGINNING, YOU KNOW?" "Like... it?" "IT," the speakers boomed. "it." "IT." "It?" "LIKE THAT! YEAH!" "Like... It." "YEAH! EXCEPT SPOOKIER." "I'm *working* on that!" the shadow yelled upwards. "That's why the *lights*--" "FIRST-PERSON." "Crap!" Silence received a momentary reign over the theater, which still remained completely dark. "THESE SPEAKERS ROCK," the speakers boomed. "Damn right!" the shadow yelled upwards. "Hey, do the watts thing again!" "YEAH! THE WATTS THING!" the speakers boomed. "READY?" "Go for it, man!" the shadow cheered. "Fifty thousand-FIFTY THOUSAND-*FIFTY THOUSAND WATTS OF *POW-WAAAAAAH**!" the speakers boomed deeply. "Ha ha ha ha!" the shadow laughed. "This theater *rules*!" "YEAH, IT DOES!" the speakers boomed. "Just look at this piece of work we have at our fingertips, selfriend!" the shadow proclaimed as he gestured around in the dark. "This is our playtoy. Pain personified. The ultimate in sadistic technological majesty." "ESPECIALLY THE CUP HOLDERS." "Especially the cup holders." "THE CUP HOLDERS ARE A NICE TOUCH." "Hey, your idea, too." "IT'S TRUE!" "It's true. And it all collaborates to form the single most potent force in feral fear fathomable!" "YOU'RE GETTING BETTER AT THAT ALLITERATION STUFF." "Yeah! Spooky, huh?" "WELL, NO." "Hmm. Crap. Nonetheless, my friend, I'm--" "IT'S." "--*It's* positively ecstatic over this newly-bred masterpiece of masochism! Hunter, It's friend, *feast*! Your *eyes*! Upon the TORTURE! THEATER! TWO! THOUSAND! AND *ONE*!" Silence was granted a second of hold over the theater. "I CAN'T," the speakers boomed. "TURN THE *LIGHTS* ON FIRST!" the lightless figure shouted upwards. "HANG ON, I'LL TRY TO FIND THE SWITCH AGAIN." The speakers again broadcasted the sound of a microphone being bumped and the rhythmic footsteps walking around an unseen room. "It is *displeased*," the shadow in the theater remarked to itself. ======== Shadow Dragon Ryukage mumbled and turned over in her sleep. "Is she dead?" a small voice asked. "No, Snot, she's *not dead*," a female voice responded crankily. "Stop *asking*." "There has to be *some* way to get her up," a male voice said from above her head. "Race, no suggestions." "Hey!" another male voice said. "You shut the hell up! I wasn't even thinking anything *like* that! Yet." "Maybe if we took her shoes and stuffed extra socks in them so that her shoes didn't fit," a voice said with a slight cybernetic buzz. "How would that help?" another male voice asked. "Hey, it's a keen idea. I didn't say it would *help*." "Snot," the female voice said, "put the cattle prod down." "It'll work! I swear! Watch!" "Put it DOWN!" "HEY! OW! LEGGO MY ARM! VIIIIIID!" "Tiffa, let go of him." A zapping noise sounded. "OW! Oh, THAT'S *IT*!" the female voice yelled. A small motor gave the sounds of sputtering and roaring to life. "I'm sorry! It was an accident! No! NO! AIEEEE!" S.D. rolled onto her side and blearily opened her eyes. "Wuzza?" she mumbled, taking in her surroundings. "wwwwwWWWWWWWWHAH!" the Black Snotling yelled, his scream giving S.D. an example of the Doppler effect as he raced past where she lay. "GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE, SNOT!" Tiffa yelled at him, bounding after the fleeing Snotling. "Hey, she's up!" W4 called, pointing to S.D.. "About time," the Vidstudent said. "Aren't *we* quite the sleeper," Racewing said. "Whuzz." S.D. sat up and rubbed her eyes. "Hey, guys. I--" She shook her head and looked around at the people around her. "What the *hell*?" she blurted out. "Exactly," Zrith said. "Homefree!" Snot called, hiding behind the table S.D. was lying on. "Hey!" Tiffa yelled. "No fair!" "It looks *sort* of like the lobby of Torture Theater, doesn't it?" Racewing asked, looking around the theater. "Torture Theater fell *down*, man," Snot said from behind the table. "It fell down *on* me." "Torture Theater is dead, Jim," W4 piped up. "I'm just saying," Racewing said. "You know." "It *does* look like it, too," Vidstudent said. "A little. The same features, I mean." "Yeah!" Racewing said. "Like the color scheme, or the snack bar, or that... *screen*," Racewing finished, pointing at the screen. All eyes turned to the large television screen taking up a large part of the wall it was built into. For a couple seconds, nothing happened. The screen suddenly flickered to life, revealing the familiar image of a light-absorbing nemesis. "A.o.D.!" Zrith blurted. "Aw, *shit*!" Racewing yelled. "Language," Vidstudent chastised, still staring at the screen. "There are children present." "Hey!" S.D. yelled. "You were two point three five nine seconds late on the entrance cue, whelp," A.o.D. said to someone offscreen. "ęt deems that unsuitable." "You still aren't saying It right," the offscreen someone said. "Oh? Really?" It buzzed sarcastically. "Bite ët. Ah, hello, fleshies," It greeted, turning to the screen. "What the hell, exactly, *is* that?" S.D. asked Snot, pointing to the image of A.o.D.. "Yeah!" W4 contributed. "What the hell *is* that? Hey, you kids! Get away from that thing! You don't know what that thing is!" "That's A.o.D.," Snotling answered as Tiffa thwapped W4 one on the back of the head. "He's a bastard." "*ět* is a bastard, you mean," A.o.D. corrected. "And you are about to find out exactly how much of one ít can be. You see, the six of you are about to... to..." It trailed off and, via body language, gave the appearance of squinting at the screen. "Hunter," it said finally. "Yeah?" Hunter's voice asked from offscreen. "Łt believes that you have made a mistake," A.o.D. said. "Łt sees Racewing and Tiffa. Łt should *not* be seeing Racewing and Tiffa." "Racewing? Tiffa?" Hunter's voice asked. "Hang on, I'll be right there." Gavok walked onscreen, stood behind A.o.D., and peeked over Its shoulder. "Hey, it *is*, too," Hunter's voice said, matching Gavok's mouth perfectly. "I will be damned." "You will be much worse than that, ground slog," It threatened, not turning around. "Gavok?" Snot asked. "*Gavok*?" Race asked. "GAVOK?" Tiffa blurted. "Gavok?" A.o.D. asked. It turned around, coming face to face with Gavok. "Aw, hell. Gavok?" "Yeah?" Hunter's voice asked via Gavok's mouth. "*Where*, might |t ask, is your Hunter costume?" "I kinda put it somewhere," Hunter's voice answered, Gavok rubbing the back of his head. "Now I can't find it." "You are *so* dead," A.o.D. grumbled. "Gavok, what the *hell* are you doing?" Tiffa asked. "Why do you sound like *Hunter*?" Vidstudent queried. "Where's MMK?" Snotling asked. "Oh my god! Oh my GOD! You ATE him to SURVIVE, DIDN'T you!" A.o.D. and Hunter turned to face the screen. "Dude, that could be taken many different ways," A.o.D. said in a buzzless voice as he turned to look at the screen. "Hey!" Zrith yelled. "Your voice!" "What?" A.o.D. asked. "Oh. Crap!" "What," Vidstudent asked, "is going *on* here, may I ask?" A.o.D. sighed. "Yeah," It said, "may as *well* tell them *now*, huh?" "I guess," Gavok's voice said, matching Gavok's mouth. "'Now I can't find it,'" A.o.D. repeated to Itself. "Great." The blackness surrounding A.o.D.'s head unwrapped itself and disappeared from view like a symbiote, exposing the head of the MultiMediocre Knight. "*MMK*?" Tiffa blurted. "I'm lost," W4 contributed cheerfully. "Hey, MMK," Snotling said, waving. "Hey, Snot," MMK said, waving. "How's tricks?" "Low and a little to the left," Snot answered conversationally. "I hear that," MMK said. "MMK," Zrith yelled, "*what* the *hell* is going on? Where did this *theater* come from? *Why* are *you* guys *running* it? How did we get *here* in the *first* place?" The blackness appeared and wound itself around MMK's head. "All will be reveeeeealed," MMK said ominously. The mask again unwound and disappeared, revealing MMK's grinning head. "Hee hee. Gavok?" "Yeah?" Gavok asked. "Get the flipchart in here." "Right-o," Gavok said, walking offscreen. "You see," MMK said, pulling a laser pointer out of the floppy brown hat he was wearing and waiting for Gavok to produce the flipchart, "Gavok and I had been stuck in Torture Theater ever since the beginning." "Not quite," Gavok called from offscreen. "Okay, not *quite*," MMK agreed. "Gavok wasn't trapped in until after the first fic. But the fact remains that we were stuck in there for--how long, do you think?" MMK called to Gavok. "Damn long," Gavok supplied from offscreen. "Yeah. We were stuck in there *damn* long. Now, after the destruction of both Torture Theater--*and* the Voice's Apartment, when we were trapped in there after escaping the aesthetically disinclined--Gavok and I were, to wit, free." "So was I," Snot said. "Yeah, you too," MMK said. "Why *were* you guys running, anyway?" Race asked. "I mean, what did you do?" "Gavok?" MMK asked. "Come here and tell him what we were doing." Gavok walked over and leaned onscreen. "DADA!" Gavok said sternly, pointing at Race. "Exactly," MMK said as Gavok went offscreen again. "Now, we know a shrewd business opportunity when we see it. Two major torture facilities had been demolished, meaning that the market was open. And, with our newfound freedom--" "FREEDOOOOOOOM!" Gavok shouted helpfully from offscreen. "--we were able to build our venture into the wide and prosperous field of literary sadism." "Where is it?" W4 asked. "You're standing in it," MMK said. "Oh!" W4 said. "Sorry." W4 took a step to the right and scraped his shoe on the floor a couple times. A beat of silence followed. Tiffa thumped W4 one on the back of the head. "Moron," she said. "Hey! None of that," MMK said sternly. "Now, as I was saying, you all are standing in our masterpiece of pain, the Torture Theater 2001. Equipped with the finest in technology that IMAX threw away, Torture Theater 2001 is constructed entirely of 100% recycled materials!" "'Recycled materials'?" Vidstudent asked, quirking an eyebrow. "That wouldn't happen to mean 'leftovers,' would it?" "Hey, the stuff from Torture Theater was just *sitting* there, man," Gavok said as he carried a flipchart onscreen and set it down. "Yes. We kept the design as faithful to the original as possible," MMK said. "Except for the giant screen and six hidden speakers." "And the cup holders!" Gavok said cheerfully. "Cup holders!" Snot said gleefully. "Hooray!" "Wonderful, Marge!" W4 piped. "So... wait," Zrith said, holding a hand up. "You mean to tell me you guys brought us here to--" "Damn *right*, boy! PH34R!" Gavok shouted happily, pointing at Zrith. "You guys are going to be the guinea pigs in testing our new theater," MMK said. "'Guinea pigs'?" W4 huffed indignantly. "Did he say 'guinea pigs'?" Gavok said. "He meant 'lab rats'." "Oh," W4 said. "Well, all right, then." "Noooooo!" Snot wailed. "After all we've been through together! You guys have *always* been here for us! *Why*, guys? *WHY*?" "H-eeey!" MMK grinned. "Glad you asked! Gavok!" "Right!" Gavok said. Gavok flipped the first page of the chart back, revealing a sideways bar graph written in Japanese. "We," MMK said, posing with his fists on his hips as he addressed the screen, "are *extremely* popular in Japan." Gavok hit the Play button on a nearby stereo and flipped to the next page of the chart, a nicely-drawn Japanese sun. The stereo began blaring Tom Waits' "Big in Japan" as MMK and Gavok stood in front of the rising sun and waved large Japanese flags. "*What*?" Tiffa blurted. "Dankeeee, Japan!" Gavok said in his best Japanese accent. "Domou arigatou! Kawada non da lariato!" "Oretachi wa MUTT ACHY DA!" MMK said, pointing his Japanese flag at the screen. "COUNTO THREE!" Gavok said. "This is ludicrous," Vidstudent said as MMK and Gavok began waving the flags again. "'We are dogs in pain'?" W4 asked. "You heard me!" MMK said. "This doesn't explain anything," Zrith pointed out. "Well, you see, my friends," MMK said, laserpointing at the chart as Gavok flipped back to the Japanese bar graph, "the television put out by the torture sessions we've been through has been a hit in many markets of the world. A recent poll in Japan asked the populace who they would like to see take the helm as the Mad or Mads for the next exciting episode. And *as* you can *clearly* see," MMK said, outlining the largest bar with his laserpoint, "a whopping *sixty-seven* percent of voters chose 'MMK & Gavok' as their dream villains!" "Oh, come *on*!" Zrith blurted. "Who was second?" Racewing asked, curiously. "Second, as you can see," MMK said, "was the team the poll organizers *thought* was *supposed* to win--'The A.o.D. & Hunter Dream Team 2001 Vote for This One,' with twenty-one percent. So we figured, hey, if 'MMK & Gavok' were to *be* 'The A.o.D. and Hunter Dream Team 2001,' that'd be *eighty-eight* percent of the fanbase solidly behind us! Great idea, isn't it?" "Here's a hint--yes it is," Gavok suggested. "Well," Racewing asked, "who came *third*?" "Raiden from Fatal Fury, seven percent," Gavok said, pointing to the chart. "They like him a lot in Japan," MMK explained. "Uh," Racewing said. "Hey!" Gavok said brightly. "Would you guys like to know how 'Racewing & Zahid' did?" Racewing paused. "...no," he sighed. "Are you sure?" Gavok asked. "Come on! It's *really* funny!" "*No*," Racewing said. "Fine." Gavok pouted. "Wait a second!" Tiffa blurted. "MMK, what was that you said about me and Racewing earlier?" "Oh, that wasn't me," MMK said. "That was ŕt." "It," Gavok corrected. "1t," MMK attempted. "*It*," Gavok corrected. "iT," MMK attempted. "Whoa! *Yeah*! Like that!" Gavok said. "*That*'s spooky!" "Spooky?" MMK asked hopefully. "Yeah! Do it again!" "iT is DISPLEASED!" MMK roared, grinning. "Yeee!" Gavok squealed. "Perfect!" "Okay, just a second," MMK said to the screen. The black mask wrapped itself around MMK's head. "As iT was saying, it was not MMK who said that, but MMK.o.D.. Now, spirochete, iT believes you had a question?" "Uh, yeah," Tiffa said. "You said something about how you shouldn't be seeing me or Racewing." "That is because iT *shouldn't* have been seeing you two," MMK.o.D. explained. "You see, another Japanese poll taken dictated that a very special guest star should be in the theater for our trial run. Tell 'em, Gunter." "'Gunter'?" Zrith asked. "That's the best name we could think of," Gavok said in a perfect mimicry of Hunter's voice. "Anyway, my little Verve Pipes, the polling concluded that a very special guest star would be in the theater." Gavok flipped the chart two pages, revealing another Japanese bar graph. "However, seeing that they want a Ratio 4 riffer and you two are Ratio 2 riffers... well," Gunter said, flipping a switch, "as they say in Japan... 'adios!'" Twin lightning bolts enveloped Racewing and Tiffa, transporting them out of the theater and back to where they had originally been before the theater had picked them up in the first place. Another lightning bolt struck down in the theater, dissipating to reveal Lynxara rubbing her eyes. "Lynxara!" Snot called. "Gaaah," Lynxara grumbled, rubbing her eyes. "What the *hell* was that...?" "That, sir, was the magic of special effects," W4 said. "You can explain it to her later," MMK.o.D. buzzed. "Because it's almost time to enter... THE TORTURE THEATER 2001." MMK.o.D. waved iTs arms at the screen spookily. "And tell 'em what they'll be seeing, Johnny!" Gunter said. "You may *not* call iT Johnny," MMK.o.D. said to Gunter before turning to the screen. "Let iT tell you a story, worms. iT and iTs lowly sidekick felt that the ignorant masses, such as yourself, did not appreciate the effort that is put into the intelligent and thought-provoking humour provided to you by us during our stays together in the Torture Theater. Therefore, iT wanted to show you how appreciative you should be of the Loons who serve to brighten your day. And to do that, iT would show you comedy with no intelligence. No nuance. No effort. No *soul*. And that is when iT came across the 'Dave and Dyne Saga.'" "And... that's what you're showing us?" S.D. asked. "Well, no," MMK.o.D. said. Gunter flipped another page of the flipchart, revealing another Japanese bar graph. The graph had two bars, one of which was just a bit longer than the other. "We got outvoted," Gunter complained. "So," MMK.o.D. said, "instead of the valuable lesson iT had planned for you, iT will instead have to show you a feature that is classifiable under the genre of 'icky demon pr0n.'" "*What*?" Zrith said. "Uh-oh," W4 said meekly. "Dude!" Snot yelled. "*Harsh*! Come on!" "Hey, we didn't *want* to do this," Gunter said. "I mean, there's *children* going into that theater." "Hey!" S.D. shouted. "Don't make me come up there!" "And so," MMK.o.D. announced spookily, "prepare your fleshy selves for the terror that is 'Karnal Kombat,' a crossover so insipid that iT isn't going to tell you what's being crossed over until it's on the screen." "But first," Gunter added, "our feature short, 'One Destroys All'! A nugget of pain about a game everyone has and nobody plays, this Microsoftian mulch just may murderize you before you *make* it to the nookie! Into the theater, Quarterflashers, because it's GO TIME!" The six captives gloomily began shuffling through the theater entrance. "They're very convincingly in-character," Snotling said. "You have to give them that." "Shut up, Snot," Zrith grumbled. ======== > Blue9Tiger@aol.com LYNX: Hey! Isn't that a Miles Davis song? [TBS hums "Eye of the Tiger."] LYNX: I said *Miles Davis*. TBS: That *was* Miles Davis. LYNX: ...we're one line in and I feel the need to slap you. That has to be some sort of record. TBS: Pleasure and a privilege, ma'am. > Legal Stuff: Minesweeper is copyright to.....Windows? W4: My operating system owns the game? ZRITH: Operating system nothing. My french doors own Solitaire. > I don't know! Don't ask me! W4: Ask him! [W4 points to TBS] TBS: No, ask him! [TBS points to W4.] W4: Him! TBS: Him! W4: Him! TBS: Him! W4: Snot season! TBS: Woofer season! W4: Snot season! TBS: Woofer season! W4: Snot season! TBS: Woofer season! W4: Woofer season! TBS: Snot season! W4: Woofer season! TBS: Snot season! Fire! [MMK.o.D. leans out of the projection booth, floppy hat and coat flapping dramatically in the ventilation fans, and shoots TBS with the railgun. TBS's head explodes.] S.D.: ... [brushes Snotling bits off her clothes] ZRITH: *That* never happened when I watched that show. VID: What, only his head? [TBS begins reconstruction of his head. He eventually succeeds.] TBS : You're dethpicable. GUNTER : Huhhuhhuhhuhhuh! LYNX: Sigh. This will be a long, long, afternoon. > This is ameteur and nonprofit, TBS: So it'll capture that certain niche market in the adult rental demographic. > and I don't think anyone's going to accuse me of plagirism with > THIS fic VID: Who would want to? S.D.: Well, if PJ has his Alex Gordon, then... [ALL but S.D. scream. S.D. smirks.] > ...sheesh.....Heh. This is my shortest EVER...hahahaha..... LYNX: He hasn't started yet and he's already giggling maniacally? S.D.: That's *never* a good sign. VID: If Luca Blight ever wrote a fanfic, it would start something like this... W4 : HOO HOO ha ha ha ha HA HA HA! DIE, PIGS! > Rated: PG [ALL sigh loudly.] > startd: 9/29/00 LYNX: Ended: 9/29/42. W4 : Hey, look, I finished this puzzle in only six months! S.D. : ...so? W4 : The box said 3-6 years! [TBS rimshots.] > One Destroys All W4: Wasn't One a cyborg in the Algo Star System that helped Chaz and his friends destroy the Profound Darkness? LYNX: No. That was Wren. W4: Oh. Then One was the freaky old lady that joined the Liberation Army that fought against Golden Emperor Barbarosa. S.D.: No. That was Onil. W4: Ah. Then One must be the journalist from Taiyo High School whose camera fires deadly spikes! VID: No. That's Ran. W4: ...oh. I got it! One is a card game-- ZRITH: Oh, for crying out loud... Let me handle this. [ZRITH pulls out a remote control, points it at W4 and clicks on the "Power" button. W4 slumps in his seat, utterly unconscious.] LYNX: That was odd. TBS: [pokes W4 with a stick] Is he dead? ZRITH: Unfortunately, no. He'll reactivate on his own in a moment. > by Blue9Tiger [LYNX hums "All Blues."] > As the Sun sets once again, and darkness dives onto land ALL: KERSPLASH! > and sheilds it with its absence of light, TBS: What's that mean? ZRITH: It means it's dark outside. TBS: Then why doesn't he just say-- ZRITH: I don't know. Shut up. VID: And, for that matter, *please* note that it is 'i' before 'e'-- S.D.: Do it yourself. I'm bitter. > a bold group of idiotic thrill-seekers ventures LYNX: --into the dark forest to make a documentary about the legend of the Blair Witch. > onto the dark land where there is no hope for returning. S.D.: TRAP! It's Degenerator! Level -1. TBS: You hear that, returning? No hope for you! VID: It's a figure of speech. TBS: That's not the *point!* > ------------------------------------------------------------------ S.D.: Oh, look, the token GNDN line. VID: GNDN? S.D.: Goes Nowhere, Does Nothing. VID: Ah. Fodder. S.D.: Well, maybe. > Where one mine exploded, the rest would as well, and it would be > impossible for anyone to survive it. S.D. : It doesn't faze me when Sephiroth hurls a galaxy-smashing comet at me. But land mines... THOSE terrify me! TBS: You have no chance-- [VID shoots TBS several times. With rockets. TBS's smoldering body lands somewhere in the back of the theater.] S.D. : Nice distance. ZRITH : Mah god! How much can one man take? VID: Oh, don't worry. He'll be fine. TBS: Yup. Had worse. [TBS walks down the isle back into his seat.] Z-BOT: Nobody ever wants to sit back here with me. It's no fair! What did I do-- [ZRITH presses the button on his remote, and the Z-BOT collapses.] LYNX: You didn't say it was universal. ZRITH: I didn't know. Hmmm. > But the human mind is ambitious, W4 : It has the look of ambition! LYNX : Let me have minds about me that are fat... > and three minds that were very much human decided > to conquer that land--the land of Minesweeper. ZRITH: If they pull out light cycles, I'm leaving. W4: Ditto if the aliens come down and take them away to fight a whole alien fleet. > The trip to the actual field was long and weary, S.D. : As they climbed up the taskbar, through the Start Menu, into the desolate swamps of Programs, and finally into the city of Games in the nation of Accessories... > but their energy was replenished at one TBS: --of them spinning dodecahedron things that can change into a coffin. W4: HP/MP restored! ...but you're still hungry. > glance at the enormous field of land mines. VID: So *that's* where the Silent Scope developers got the idea from! LYNX: Ah, springtime. When a young man's thoughts turn to those of land mines. > The goal of those men was to simply avoid the mines VID : Player 1 should *avoid* mines! > while stepping on places that they might be, almost a chase: TBS: If Fire Marshall Bill organized a game of "Hide And Seek," it would go something like this. LYNX : "Chase the Landmine?" I HATE YOU, MILKMAN DAN! > being chased by the lethal mines. ZRITH : Land mine, ma'am. W4 : Oh, do come in, and... AAAUUUGGHHH! > "1, 2, 3! 3 there!" LYNX : Crap. I only got one pair! VID : Gorilla! RIGHT THERE! > "We 'gotta be careful. Don't do anything stupid." S.D. : Too late! I just invested millions in a dot-com company! ZRITH : And I just drank Drano. > "Are you kidding? This place is swamped with mines!" W4 : And yours, too! [ZRITH bonks him on the head with the remote.] W4: Ow. > Their tread was barely audible above the intangible beating of LYNX: --the bass drum. Fatboy Slim decided to play today. TBS: Along with his friends Jeffrey Jey, Maurizio Lobina, and Gabry Ponte! > apprehenisve hearts. S.D: The megaphones strapped to their chests were, upon sober reflection, a bad idea. TBS: I thought the Appre Henisve was everything north of the Equator. VID: Snot, that... I'm not even going to bother. > Each step brought new uncertainty, or to be more precise, new terror. TBS: Then one of them threw away the map. LYNX: Things got hairy after they threw away the map. > Why they were even attempting this no one could > know, and no one at the present knew. S.D.: Because it's there. ZRITH: That would be impressive if it wasn't overused. S.D.: How about "because they're fucking nuts?" ZRITH: That works. > Night set in: the world was shrouded in total blackness. W4: "Afro-Americanness." TBS: Did he mention it was a *watermelon* shroud? [A pause.] W4: Huh? TBS: Uh, I'll explain that later. > Not a star shone its light face, VID: ...except maybe a mouse. W4: Shine on, you crazy not-a-star. > and it was the time of the New Moon, VID: But after extensive testing, it was decided that Moon Classic was preferred by consumers. > where that pale glow was swallowed by the blackness of space. W4 : Tasty, too! > Spectres seemed to appear, TBS: They launched their homing missiles, and drove off. > the ghostly announcers of death W4: Now, see, that'd be a good tag-team. TBS: I wouldn't be surprised to see something like that in WOW. > that lay on the horizon, ready to efface the trespassers. ZRITH : AH HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT! > What was worse, not the horror of suddenly stepping on one, > but the strange and vague prospect of the mines having their > own brains, W4 , LYNX : Braaaaaaiiiiins... > and actually moving under the crust, S.D.: Wow. I thought *cheese* in the crust was amazing. ZRITH : Damn it! This happens every time I try to bake a pie! > trying to make themselves more accessible LYNX: ...to the handicapped... [ALL stare.] LYNX: ...a bit insensitive, perhaps? [ALL nod.] > and forefit someone's life more easily. W4: Because their lives are forfeit, don't you know. > They might not only have had brains, but tiny eyes, those > sharp=pupiled ones S.D.: Aw, crap. I *hate* word problems. VID: I used to know how to do ones like this. > that cut into the object as if it were really doing so, and the > eye was as sharp as a blade, LYNX: Mine's eye! S.D. : With its piercing green eyes-- W4 : Hey! Careful with that! You trying to kill me? LYNX: It slices! ZRITH: It dices! VID: It even makes julienne fries! LYNX: But wait! There's more! TBS: Order now, and we'll throw in Big Mouth Russo! Big Mouth Russo detects your movement and comes to life, moving its head and telling you about angles it didn't get to do! W4: This offer valid in 49 states. Sorry, Tennessee! > and the object it was eyeing no harder than an eroded stone. TBS: ...okay. This was definitely written by Hutchins on his off day. LYNX: Nah. Or else Gryphon would pop in, steal all the mines, and use them to blow up the evil empire's capital, netting him fame, wealth, and anime girls in the process. TBS: Yeah, but still... MMK.o.D. : Well, after all, You Know You're A Pompous Ass When-- GUNTER : Hey, your popcorn's ready. MMK.o.D. : Damn it! Not now! iT's being spooky! GUNTER : Do you want it in your Little Mermaid bowl? MMK.o.D. : iT is disspookified. [The intercom shuts off. S.D. shakes her head.] > "1, W4 : He yells "check one" 'till his face turns blue! TBS, S.D. : BIG! FAT! ROOOAD MANAGER! W4 : Don't you wish he could count to two? > 2, 3...... LYNX : Four. VID : I knew that! Shut up! > damn, how many could there be?" asked one of > the men, eyes darting around the deceptively > serene area, that could easily become a place > of agony and grievance. ZRITH, W4 : Wal-Mart. > "Keep calm...there's three to our left, three to our right. LYNX : Here I am, stuck in the middle with you! > Up ahead looks safe." > > The first man snorted, having a pesimistic air. W4: What's that, some kinda Italian dish? TBS : And there's a 78% chance of rain today despite the low humidity, due to a record high of 98% Air Pessimism. Back to Frank with the sports. > "Yeah..sure..LOOKS safe! Safe as Hell!" VID: Interestingly enough, Hell has a lower death rate than Earth. It's just more unpleasant than anything else imaginable. > Another mine was spotted, leaving the intruders of this waiting > trap to walk only in one direction: S.D.: Backwards. > north. S.D.: That works too. LYNX: Maybe they could Stand in the place where they are. > The third man was a sort of dreamer, TBS : EEE-CEE-DUBBAYUUUUU! VID: Snot, sit down. > someone who was spaced-out S.D.: Commander Keen? > and never seemed to be on the same planet as the ones who > kept their minds to the present. TBS, LYNX : Zoner. TBS: Told ya. > He was busy looking at the Sun-shaped globe, shadowed by > the night, yet providing a very small amount of light, and S.D.: It was good. W4 : And the peasants rejoiced. > that alone kept them from straying from the safe path and setting > off one of those explosives. ZRITH : Good morning, Mr. Sun! W4 : It's always a good morning with two scoops of raisins! [Giant raisins fall from the ceiling, burying the six riffers.] GUNTER : Sorry! MMK.o.D. : iT *told* you not to *touch* that. > But that yellow globe persisted in its warm light, VID: And players gained about 10 HP. W4: *Pray*, Paula! *Pray*! > and it drove the third man to insanity, that there was a Sun > during night. TBS : I am crouching in the corner out of sight of the view screens as I write this... S.D. : ...well, maybe it's a frigging *moon*, then! *That* ever cross your mind? > He couldn't help his instincts: to head towards it. TBS : I welcome the sun! LYNX : Hey, Mister! This is a Stairway to Heaven. Did you know that? W4 : ...damn annoying frog. > Slowly, his muscles moved him foward, blindness provoked by the > night somehow pulling him from the mines. S.D.: So this is what a moth's last moments are like. [TBS stands up, paints a sun on the wall, and flies directly into the wall.] W4: Lemme guess: night blindness? TBS: How'd ya guess? MMK.o.D., GUNTER : Point. TBS: Thanks. MMK.o.D., GUNTER : Welcome. [S.D. shakes her head and rubs her forehead.] > However, his comrades did not approve. VID : Fool. > "What the hell are you doing?! You'll step on the mines!" > > "There's one to the north! Right in front of the Smil--" S.D.: Silmarillion? > He was interrupted by the unbridled cries of his companion, TBS : You slept with my *wife*? VID: If you don't bridle your cries, they'll graze the grasslands until they're nothing but arid soil. > who was still counting the mines, and possibly, the minutes > they had left, to see this dark night, the night that was > laughing at them because they couldn't track where the mines > were, LYNX: No. The night was laughing at them because they were utter boneheads. VID : "Hey! Let's go out in a minefield in the middle of the night! And we just *have* to take the stoner with us!" What the *heck* was I thinking? ZRITH: Maybe the night's laughing because it hid the tools they need to *end the sentence*. > and driving the latter insane. LYNX : Drive me cra-zay! And I woooon't let you goooo-hoo-hooooo... ZRITH: Okay, see, Marvel vs. Capcom 2 music *will* drive me insane. TBS: Oh, come on! I wanna take you for a ride! ZRITH: Stop that. TBS : I wanna take you for a ri-i-ide! I wanna take you for a ri-i-iide! I wanna take you for a ri-i-ide! I wanna ta- [ZRITH hits TBS with the remote.] > "Ahh! 1, 2, 3, nowhere to go, now!" ALL : 1! 2! 3! You can't hide from me! 1! 2! 3! Just you wait and see! 1! 2! 3! You can't hide from me! S.D. : No matter what you do, I'm going to FIND YOU! > He was cut short, for the third man had finally seen the yellow globe > in full view. ZRITH : ...Pac-Man? > It was not a sun, S.D.: *See*? A moon! *Thank* you! ZRITH: That's probably not what he meant. > but a humongous face, with a broad smile, rapidly drooping. VID : No longer! > Its face was hidden by fire, dust, smoke, S.D.: Wind! W4: Heart! ALL: CAPTAIN PLANET! > and all the debris of a terrible quaking din arose, VID: So it was the beginning of a rock concert. TBS: Or a LAN party. VID: It said quaking *din*, Snot, not quaking *den*. TBS: Oh. ...there goes my Amish joke. > flew into the heavens, blocking out the circular smile, which had > turned into a depressed frown, seeing the inevitable failure of > not one, but three. VID : The failure of one... [ALL beat him senseless] VID: ...erk. Right. No Pokemon music. I understand. Ow. > THE END LYNX : As we know it... it's the-- VID: You know, Lynxara, Micheal Stipe isn't a food group. LYNX: Eh, screw you. > Comments, Questions, Flames? LYNX: No, no and yes. In that order. > Yikes! That was the worst thing I've ever concocted! Remind me to not > write any more! [VID loads his Furstenburg.] TBS: I think the author was joking. VID: Ask me how little I care, Snot. S.D.: No, no, it's, "Do I *look* like I care?" ======== > Karnal Kombat > A La Blue Girl/Mortal Kombat Crossover ALL: ... S.D.: I am now paralyzed in helpless fear. VID: So how come Mortal Kombat gets all the goofy cross-overs? LYNX: It's the only fighting game with video captures, I guess. W4: So what about the Jackie Chan game? Huh? How come it's not Chan getting beaten about by flailing tentacles-- [ZRITH hits the button. W4 becomes unconscious.] ZRITH: Trust me. It was a mercy zapping. LYNX: At least he didn't mention Shaq-Fu. S.D. : Oh ma-hn...ohmanohmanohman...*flashback*... > By Oni LYNX: Oh, how appropriate. VID : Oni you... can take my breath away... TBS : Sayonara barbarian dogbreath! > Huge gothic double doors made from the bones and > flesh of his many victims opened before the Emperor of Outworld S.D.: Kenneth Starr. VID: Michael Eisner. > with the painful groan of the undead. W4: Most people are content with "Hail to the Chief," but, nooo... ZRITH : Back, Birkin! *Back!* > Empty eye sockets looked upon Shao Kahn pleadingly. S.D. : Trick or treat? LYNX : Can we PLEASE get some Visine? VID : ...or perhaps some aspirin? > Mouths upon the surface worked with a hiss of > creaking bone and rotten flesh. TBS : She choose down? W4 : She choose... down? S.D : She choose down! TBS : She choose down! S.D : SHE CHOOSE DOWN! TBS, W4, S.D : SHE CHOOSE DOWN! AHAHAHHAHAHAAA! VID: You people are scary. > Begged for true death W4 : I'm not dead yet! ZRITH: As opposed to partial death. LYNX: Well, there's Half-Life, right? ZRITH: Yeah, but that's a completely different thing. LYNX: Not really. It's just the same as the glass of water. Half full, or half empty? ZRITH: Whoa. W4: It's half full. Wait--half empty? Wait--dang! S.D.: Hey, *I* ordered a cheeseburger. TBS: Right, enough of that. Back to the movie! > as he crossed the threshold without regard-- ZRITH: Please leave your regard at the door, thanks. LYNX : Lousy corpses. Give 'em an inch, and they want the sweet embrace of eternal sleep. Wankers, the whole lot of 'em. > save for a hint of a smile from under his skull half-mask. TBS: Shao Kahn in... Phantom of the Outworld! W4: Not, and I repeat *not*, the Phantom of Krankor. VID : Ah, ha, ha, ha... >Beyond lay a cavernous chamber S.D.: Ezekiel Krahlin's head. > that devoured the illumination cast by torches set in the walls > and by the doors. [W4 and TBS take out decks of brown-backed cards.] W4 : I use three red mana and cast Illumination! [W4 throws out a red card.] TBS : Aha! I tap my Black Lotus to use the spell Devourer, which counters Illumination! [TBS takes out a brown card, puts it to the side, and then takes out a blue card.] W4 : Damn! I hate denial. [W4 and TBS put away the decks of cards.] S.D.: You fanboys unnerve me. > A kind of disjointed, mindless chat greeted his entrance, VID: Now entering #Capcom. > reverberated from the walls and shadow hidden ceiling. LYNX: Decorating by Jim Henson circa "The Dark Crystal." TBS: I cast shadow hidden ceiling. ZRITH: It is eaten by a grue. TBS: Fuck! > Drowned out the low wail of the doors [S.D. stands up next to W4.] W4 : Straaaaange daaaays... have found uuuuuus... [S.D. begins walking away from W4. ZRITH uses the remote to slowly turn down W4's volume as S.D. walks away.] W4 : Straaaaaange daaaays have draaaaaged uuuus dowwwwwn... [S.D. walks back over and sits down. ZRITH puts the volume back up.] > as they closed behind him. ZRITH: OK, I already don't like this guy. LYNX: Hmmm? ZRITH: That's the second time in the last paragraph that he used a verb to start a sentence. No subject or anything. LYNX: ... ZRITH: What? These things irritate me. LYNX: Whatever. > The room was VID: --thirty by thirty feet. Doors exit to the north and the south. You came in by the east. TBS : How can we tell compass directions underground? VID: ...I hate people like you. W4: Must be one of those new plastic models. ZRITH: Now available from a Radio Shack near you! > a kind of torture chamber, [TBS opens his mouth.] > but the voices were not the sounds of suffering TBS: Oh, Never mind. S.D.: What? TBS: No, I was just going to say that he was describing this theater. S.D.: But...? TBS: We've had screams of suffering in the past. S.D.: ...whee. TBS: Just here to serve, ma'am. > he noted, but words of power. ALL : Sarah got juice! Sarah got juice! Ooooh SARA GOT JUICE! W4 : I HOPE I DON'T GET... HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURT! LYNX : Needs work. TBS : Love and... PEACE! Love and... PEACE! > Words of binding... and something else... ALL: Rhubarb rhubarb ad-lib rhubarb ad-lib peas-and-carrots rhubarb... > A shrouded eyebrow rose in surprise at recognition at the somewhat alien > tone. W4: Aaaah! _Close Encounters of the Third Kind_ flashback! > He moved with a slightly displeased stride to the center of the room. S.D: Well, you can tell by the way he walks. He's a evil overlord, with no time to talk. > Eight of his spell eunuchs [ALL MALES shudder.] TBS: Nothing deserves that loyalty. > sat naked and paled skinned GUYS: Aaaagh! VID: For once, I agree with Snot. ZRITH: There was a sucide machine lying around here somewhere, wasn't there? TBS: Yes. Stand up and open this. [TBS hands out a small locket. Confused, ZRITH stands and takes the locket. He opens it up and fireflies fly out.] ZRITH : ...Fireflies? Wh-- M.M.K.o.D.: That light! What was that? Fire! [M.M.K.o.D. and GUNTER, leading a troop of State Army archers, bounce rounds of nerf ammo directly off of ZRITH and eventually bury him under a pile of floppy foam arrows.] ZRITH : Erk. TBS: It's not *really* a suicide machine, but you work with what you can get. ZRITH : Erk. > in lotus position about a column chanting the binding hymn. S.D., LYNX : This is the way we bind and trap! Bind and trap! Bind and trap! This is he way we bind and trap so early in the morning! TBS: Hey, this has to be the first ever lemon where the author points something out that is completely incapable of having sex. ZRITH: But they still have tongues. [A beat.] TBS: Fuck! > Like the door, it was made of the bodies and wasted souls LYNX: If they're being used in that thing, they're not wasted, are they? TBS: It's like the carpet in the lobby. It'd look so much better in the store room. LYNX: I crown thee, "King of Non-Sequiturs." W4 : Whoa, man, I mean... whoa. > from realms the Emperor had conquered and ravaged in his endless quest > for power. S.D: Translation: Shao Kahn is one *mean* Risk player. TBS : "Outworld Monopoly." New, from Milton-Bradley! > But unlike the portal, these festering corpses still > retained an ember of life-force. W4: Will Eisner! ZRITH: Quiet, you. > A soul. The darkest, dirtiest remains, but a soul nevertheless. VID: This is why it failed its audition for "Baywatch Nights." > A Soul Furnace burnt away the purest, strongest parts > of a soul to power Shao Kahn's empire. LYNX: Before you criticise him, just think of what *you'd* do to save on a power bill as large as his. W4 : Ah need moor soahls, cap'n! > This one was no different from the others, save for > the fresh log--victim-- S.D.: Or both. We're not picky. W4 : It's LO-OG! It's LO-OG! It's big! It's heavy! It's wood! It's LO-OG! It's LO-OG! It's better than bad! It's good! VID: They're still talking about a furnace here, right? TBS: Heh heh. "Log." > that had been cast upon its pyre. [LYNX and S.D. come in carrying Darth Vader and Hitler's bodies.] LYNX : Hey, uh, boss, where should we put these things? ZRITH : Eh...whatever. Throw 'em on the flaming pyre, or something. LYNX, S.D. : Will do. > The woman's body was lovely, full and clothed only in its own sweat ZRITH: The label clothing line that failed. LYNX: Thank God. W4 : Let's get another one, shall we? > as it was held against the pillar--the shaplely lathe pink form TBS: Sounds like a bar of soap. > stuck out from its surface like a veritable jewel trapped in offal. VID: There's an image I didn't need. > Bones wrapped in blackened skin clung to her, > fondling her smooth pale flesh. LYNX: Author watching too much _Candyman_ before writing. TBS: Clive Barker brings out the worst in me, too. VID: Wait a minute... I thought the author just implied that she wasn't wearing anything. > Bound her. Held her legs apart and arms over her head. Still more > hands cupped shapely and firm heavy breasts TBS : Get the bag. GUNTER : Will do. [ALL turn.] GUNTER : Whoop. Sorry! Automatic reaction. MMK.o.D. : We have *got* to get you a more independent personality. GUNTER : Yes, sir! MMK.o.D. : Okay, that one was on *purpose*. [TBS turns back to the screen.] TBS: Hey! There's a movie on! [ALL throw things at TBS and turn back to the screen.] > with greedy molesting attention. W4 : Aw, crap. My soul furnace is broken AGAIN. ZRITH : Well, it beats "Survivor." LYNX: Actually, "Greedy Molesting Attention" sounds like a good title for a "Survivor" rip-off. VID: Well, kind of. > Heads detached from the mound of rot and fought the hands for space, VID: But they were unsuccessful since they did not have any opposable thumbs. ZRITH : Ouch! Quit *biting* me, you idiot! > lapping at the woman's nipples and skin with black tongues. LYNX : Hey! Vanilla! > Exchanged the sweat about her body and a flood of > golden juices VID: If PJ tried to make orange juice, it'd go a little something like this... TBS: He'd try to use a blender. > that ran down her thighs for their own vicious LYNX : ...Vicious. > secretions. Between her legs was a thick shaft TBS : You're too late... my Lord Count Dracula will be reborn! > that looked to be made up of many festering members. S.D. : I was a festering piece of wretched crap before I bought this book. Thank you, Birdy Brand! > It moved punishingly in the woman's sex: LYNX: Had a black rubber suit on with a white skull on it. > grinding in deep and slow, pulling out and changing form slightly as a > tendon or bone was added or taken from the mass before going back in. W4: So what the author is saying is that she's being boned. Hell, I could have told you that. S.D.: First "boner" joke I hear, and I start shooting. TBS: Really? You know submission holds? S.D.: What? > From his vantage, Kahn saw a second, smaller, malformed > pole working in her ass at a different rhythm. LYNX : I devour souls and kill needlessly. And even *I* think this is some fucked-up shit here. TBS: Pun intended? > Her body rocked in pleasured agony as it was violated. [TBS and W4 open their mouths simultaneously. VID points his Furstenburg at TBS. ZRITH points his remote at W4. TBS and W4 close their mouths simultaneously.] > A bout of spasms sent her silver blonde hair VID: *Silver* blonde hair? ZRITH: It'd look kind of like platinum blonde, I guess. > cascading about her shoulders as she fought a losing battle. S.D.: And now, a GamePro Protip: do not fight Queklain while being forcibly violated. >Her breath came in staggered bouts as TBS: ...Lancelot jousted with the black knight in her lungs. > her sighs and moans melded W4: Like Vulcans! > into the eunuchs chanting. Then Kahn noted a figure that stood > apart from the perverse scene, looking on seemingly unmoved. LYNX: Ah. The conscientious objector. TBS: With our track record, that could be any one of us. ZRITH: Ho hum. More monster sex. I wonder what's playing at the theater down the street? > "From the expense of this operation sorcerer," Shao Kahn said > displeasingly to his lackey, "I expected far more than a whore > for your impudent pleasures!" W4 : I specifically asked for *ALE AND WHORES*! LYNX : I tried my best! All they had was a whore and a six-pack of Sprite! >"While her suffering does indeed bring some degree of enjoyment my lord," > Shang Tsung offered as he turned to his emperor and gave a court, > near-non discourteous bow, TBS: That's one important court if they created a bow specifically for it. VID: Snot, shut up. > "The meager cost for this "whore" will give us access to the Earth > Realm!" W4: Then why all the fighting? >"By screeching no doubt," Kahn commented as the woman let out a rather > sweet note. ZRITH: A rather *Matthew* Sweet note. VID : Dear Kahn... Dear Kahn... by the time you read this fic, I'll be gone... > Surprised that he would think of the female's suffering in such a manner, > his eye wondered back to her. TBS: Yup! Still there. > Traced her body from flustered, exhausted yet exquisite face to oozing, > stuffed vessel. W4: I get it! She's a calzone! [ZRITH baps W4 with the remote.] > He growled malevolently TBS: Ooooh, *big* word. [TBS does the Kevin Nash finger-wiggle at the screen.] LYNX: Hey, cut that out. > to the sorcerer as he extended his senses to wash over the prisoner, S.D.: Shower scene already? VID: No; bloodbath first. > "I should put you in her place for...what is this?! TBS : What's this? What's this? There's nookie in the air! What's this? Those spiders over there? > A mortal of Earth realm? With a demon's heart?!" W4: Bill Brasky? LYNX: He isn't that endowed. >A corner of the deceptively young and muscular sorcerer's mouth VID: Because, as we all know, muscle tone is most obvious in the mouth. TBS : Flex those lipceps! One, two! > curled in a smile. "This is Lady Maria, my Lord. S.D.: *Ave*, Maria! > Of the Shikima realm." > "Shikima?" The Emperor repeated. ZRITH : That's a car battery, isn't it? W4 : All right buddy, Shikima! This is a robbery! > What little of his features that showed hid some of his > perplextion, VID: ...*what*? > "I know not of this realm..." W4 : Well, she's about ten, her weapon's a paintbrush, she can use her Sketch power t-- [ZRITH goes upside his head.] > "It is a quasi realm, my lord..." Shang Tsung bowed slightly as he > explained, LYNX : Everyone in it feels kinda sick. VID: No, that's *queasy* realm, Snot. TBS: Oh. My bad! Sorry. [VID visibly has to restrain himself from attacking TBS.] > "A demon realm that is part of the Earth realm. S.D. : It's kind of like the 'Burbs of the place. > It was created by excess spiritual energies: in this > case the sexual frustrations and perversions of the Earth mortals." LYNX: We're talking one HUGE freaking quasi-realm, then, aren't we? TBS : When in Shikima Territory, be sure to visit beautiful downtown Greyarchivia... > Kahn's attention was back upon the woman as she writhed with the > column's violations and penetrations. W4 : Yeah, it's a wonderful realm. They got some nice malleable subjects and...sir? SIR? Stop looking at her and listen to me! > She was a most exquisite creature. VID : Violated woman, I will date thee! LYNX : Oh, the bowels of Hell? And on our first outing? Shame on you! > Then Tsung's words found his ear W4 : Found'ya! You're it! TBS : Dang, again? > and he turned to him with a slow start. ZRITH: He looks a bit low on antifreeze. > The sorcerer smiled to his master. > "As you know my lord, LYNX: Lord Bob is in the hizouse. > a quasi realm can only be reached from its home--or prime-- S.D.: Just hand him the Planescape boxed set, okay? > realm or from an adjacent one. ZRITH: If all else fails, try any neighboring Pep Boys. > Recently, the Shikima was invaded by a neighboring demon kingdom, > the Innma. W4: Innma? Isn't that where heroes and their parties stay to regain their hit points and magic abilities? ZRITH: No. That's an inn. W4: Then Innma is Ranma's father who turns into a panda when splashed with cold water. ZRITH: No. That's Genma. W4: Oh? Then an Innma must be a procedure where water is shot up a patient's-- [ZRITH quickly clicks the MUTE button. W4's mouth moves, but no sound comes out. When his mouth stops moving, ZRITH clicks the MUTE button again and thwacks W4 with the remote.] VID : Say, where can *I* get one of those? > It failed, but a rift was opened. I commissioned spies among Earth > realm's mages LYNX : But then they saw all those naked women and HAD to stay. S.D.: Out of *all* the prime vacation spots... > in hopes to find the Shikima heart: the manifestation of that quasi > realm's center. TBS: They say that the fastest way to the Shikima heart is through the Shikima stomach. > They found and managed to capture this demon concubine instead." > Shang Tsung sounded pleased at the failure. W4 : Yay! I'm a failure! TBS , S.D. : If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. [ALL stare. S.D. and TBS stare at each other. After an awkward pause, all resume watching the movie.] > Kahn did not. "Two thirds of the men I gave you did not return from your > little operation. LYNX : Jeez, Shang! How hard is it to "Remove Wrenched Ankle?" S.D. : Well, they kept touching the sides... TBS: Maybe they all failed because one was drawn towards the sun and stepped on a mine! VID: Shut up, Snot. > And all you have to show for it is some whore? W4 : Okay! So she's second hand! Geez! TBS : She's all the harlot had left! C'mon! > A vessel for some demon's soul?" LYNX: She is a lot cuter than Jason Blood, though. >"No my lord, not just a common demon's whore. S.D. : You should see what she's going for on eBay! > But the whore to a demon king!" Tsung waved a hand to the pillar, > "The Lady Maria is wife to Lord Seikima, King of the Shikima realm! ZRITH : Let me get this straight. You captured the wife of a demon king. W4 : Yeah! ZRITH : And when he finds out what we've done with her, he'll march in here with his army of demons and slaughter the lot of us. [A long pause.] W4 : Um... yeah? ZRITH : Shang... you're a bloody lugan. > He has given his heart quite latterly to this mortal. [TBS moves back a row. W4 rips out his own heart and throws it back to TBS . They both then return to their seats.] LYNX: The fact that this does not shock and disgust me shocks and disgusts me. TBS: Welcome to the theater. W4 : We've got your disease... > Merged it with her soul. ZRITH: Again! There it is again! VID: The merger allowed the company to fire another twelve thousand people. > And since the King's heart is that of his realm..." VID : We can give his realm heartburn! TBS : Watch what happens to his realm when we try to difibrulate her! S.D.: Y'know, this is is starting to sound like a cheap video game. [TBS pokes S.D. in the ribs.] TBS: Shh. > Kahn looked again to the woman, the Queen, with a different--yet > older--kind of lust. W4 : You're older then you've ever been and now you're getting older! And now you're getting older! And now you're getting older! TBS : Iiiiii know! It's only a Shikima ho! But I like it! [VID locks and loads on TBS.] TBS: ...I'll be good. > "Once the furnace has destroyed her soul, LYNX : SHE WILL BE mah acolyte... > the heart of the Shikima realm will join with Outworld. A link will > be made with Earth realm!" W4 : A winner will be you! > "Not only that sire, but a near limitless store house of energies will > be made available to you. ZRITH: He might even get a belt sander out of it! LYNX : *And*, this BRAND NEW CAR! > Only a fraction of Earth realm proper, but more than enough to > launch an attack and take the rest!" S.D. : We eat tonight! W4: I'm gonna say it! ZRITH: Woof, NO. W4: I'M GONNA SAY IT! ZRITH: NO! W4: EVERYBODY SHANG TSUNG TONIGHT! [Everybody pelts W4 with various movie snacks.] > The Shikima queen squealed a sighing scream as fluids > seeped anew from between her legs with a spasm. TBS: She's sprung a leak! W4: I can't believe they didn't make that the name of a Pokemon yet. S.D. : Spasm? Spasm Spasm Spasm. Spasm Spasm! LYNX: I see how that may work. VID: It would match with the current storyline quite well. > Drawn to the column in the wake of the woman's aftermath, ZRITH: That's what they call it now? W4: See, there was M.A.T.H., and this is *After*M.A-- [ZRITH mutes him.] > Kahn lifted her--the Lady Maria he reminded >himself for some unnecessary reason--head by the chin >and examined her features. LYNX : I'm no doctor, but I'm guessing that the cause of her problems are that she's on fire and being forcibly violated. > Given her disheveled, aroused and flustered state, she was indeed > a charming creature. VID: First one to make a "glowing" or "radiant" crack gets an unhealthy dose of napalm. TBS: As opposed to a medically advisable dose? [VID shoots TBS.] VID : Skinnny bayou. > He might even admit ravishing W4: Here? Now? > --possibly more so because of the reactions being forced upon her. VID: That always does it. S.D.: He noticed. 'Bout time. ZRITH : You know, I really wonder why she looks so lovely right SWEET JESUS! WHAT ARE THEY *DOING* TO HER? > She looked wantonly at him TBS: She must be hungry. VID: Did you even *read* anything besides 'wanton,' Snot? TBS: I could sure go for a wanton right now. VID: Rrgh. > with tearful, half-closed blue eyes. Her heated breath tingled > against the dimensional tyrant's cheek. ZRITH : AUGH! Bad breath! My one weakness! W4 : Evil Legions of the Dark Mouthwash! Attack! > "Rather a waste..." he spoke in a whisper. > "My Lord?" Tsung asked attentively. TBS : I SAID, "RATHER A WASTE!" What are you? Deaf? VID : I don't know, m'lord. You're yelling too loudly for me to hear. > Shao Kahn pulled himself away with a slight effort. > Strode for the doors without looking back. [ZRITH turns a bit red.] VID : But don't look back in anger, I he-- [He is again beaten senseless.] VID : Right. No Oasis either, then. > Tsung followed a few steps behind. "Have the troops prepared > to move on this "Shikima realm" and then upon Earth. ZRITH : We will destroy the "Shikima realm" with a "la-ser" unless we are given... "one million dollars." [ZRITH puts his pinky to his lips.] > I want assassin squads moving against the Earth realm > defenders as soon as possible!" S.D. : And don't make them all look alike despite pallet swaps this time! > A thought made him stop. Pause. [ZRITH vibrates.] VID: Rewind. TBS: !elbissop sa noos sa srednefed mlaer htraE eht tsniaga gnivom sdauqs nissassa tnaw-. VID: Stop. [TBS stops.] VID: Slow motion. TBS : waaaant assaaassiiin squuuaaads moooviiing- VID: Fast forward. TBS : movingagainsttheEarthrealmassoonas- VID: SAR. TBS: --muy possible! Andale, amigos! >"What of these Shikima? Do they pose any threat?" VID: What? Demons? NAAAAAAH. S.D.: I just hope that you have your realm fully insured. >"None my Lord." Tsung replied a little confused, "Once the woman's soul > has been consumed by the Soul Furnace, the Shikima heart will meld with > Outworld. W4 : So nothing will go wrong as long as, oh, say, someone doesn't remove her from the Soul Furnace for forcible violation. ZRITH : Perish the thought... furthest thing from my mind... [whistles innocently] > The Shikima will simply become-" ALL : INCOMPLETE! INCOMPLETE! INCOMPLETE! INCOMPLETE! > "That is not what I asked! Would a true king, a husband, simply sit by > while his wife, much less the vessel for his soul, is stolen? TBS: Aw, yeah. Easily. > He must know why she was taken by now. S.D.: Meanwhile, in the Shikima realm: LYNX : Dude. Where's my wife? > Knows what her fate, as well as his kingdom, is. VID : Talk like Yoda I must! [ZRITH begins to shake.] ZRITH : Serenity now, serenity now... [He slows down a bit.] > How will he respond?" LYNX : He might trump our spades. TBS: I'd wager something along the lines of, "AGAIN? Jeez..." > Shang Tsung spared a mild chuckle. S.D.: For the poor. > "He can do nothing my Lord! W4 : HE WILL GET NOTHING! > The limits of his quasi realm means that neither he nor his minions > can venture to Outworld, and even if he did, he would be as weak as > Raiden. Weaker!" ZRITH: As weak as a GOD. Now THAT'S reassuring. W4 : And his attacks would be only as painful as HALF an atomic bomb! LYNX: I see someone majored in both geography and physics. > "And what of Raiden? Will he not send an Earth realm > defender to at least try and stop us?" VID : Probably not. He's still recovering from being that guy in _Annihilation_. > Shang Tsung laughed fully at this. "As I have said; LYNX : The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand, or so I have read... > the Shikima is a realm of the futile sex energies of > Earth realm. A place of demons. TBS: But a nice place to shop. > Can you imagine the high god Raiden, or his defenders, coming > to the aid of a demon lord? He will do nothing!" LYNX : Hey, Raiden. My wife got kidnapped by Shao Kahn, and I was wondering if-- S.D. : YOU WILL DO NOTHING! LYNX : ...damn. > The Emperor rubbed his chin in amusement at that. TBS : Are you ticking yourself, Kahnnie-wannie? Are you tickling yourself? You're so precious! Yes, you are! Yes, you are! > "No, Raiden would never lower himself so. > Nor would his puritan champion, his "Guardian of the Light" > act on the behest of a demon king to rescue his whore. TBS: The proper term is "sexual worker." ZRITH: This may be a torture theater, but *by grape*, we'll be a politically *correct* one! W4: That-is-politically-correct-sir! >"Yet still, it is an uncertain link in your scheme. The Shikima realm > must have some influence on Earth. LYNX: So THAT'S where lawyers come from! VID: Really? I thought it was MTV. LYNX: C-Span. ZRITH: VH1. S.D.: PBS. TBS: Discovery. W4: Playboy channel. TBS: No way. This is the kind of crap that gets *banned* from the Playboy channel. > Perhaps even mortal champions who can act for it." LYNX: Perhaps even *Eternal* Champions. > The sorcerer laughed long and loudly at that comment. > Then, noting his master's look, apologized for the > outburst. Explained still chuckling, "Forgive me my > Lord! The Shikima do in fact have mortal allies, ZRITH : And... get this... they're going to kick our asses! TEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE! VID : ...I don't get it. > a clan of ninja who use sex to gather the demon's needed > energies. S.D.: Is that what Sub-Zero does now? > But they are nothing more than prostitutes! The Miroku are a > joke among Earth realm fighters! W4 : Knock knock! LYNX : Who's there? W4 : The Miroku! HA HA HA HA! LYNX : HAW HAW HAW! > If they even managed to get to Outworld, LYNX: Boy, that would be one hell of a kegger. > they could never penetrate your palace's defenses. They > would do better getting into a brothel!" W4: That's right! If you're an inhuman who's hankerin' for a wankerin', call the Miroku Escort Service For The Romantically Confused! TBS: We take cash, credit card, money order and souls. Sorry. No C.O.D. > Kahn thought about it, then laughed himself. ZRITH : BWAA HA HA! ...I still don't get it. > Turned his head to look at the woman one last time. S.D.: ...yup. Still there. > She writhed submissively against the column. VID: She also slept maniacally. > She would not last long. Even if Liu Kang himself mounted > a rescue mission, ZRITH: ...he'd probably die of a nosebleed when he saw her. > Kahn's troops would be hunting him down before he > left Earth realm. Yet... LYNX : I have to make sure I consider the O'Reilly Factor. > "Have the perimeter guard doubled." Kahn ordered as > the doors screamed opened before him. S.D. : Oh, my aching hinges! W4: Outworld. Bleak. Empty of sane life. And torture land for all damned doors alike--the WORLD WITH NO WD-40! > "My Lord-?" > "Do it!" > Kahn bellowed, then growled, "Lu TBS :...lu, skip to my lu! > Kang will come. LYNX : Kangy is coming. Kangy is coming. Kangy is coming. > If not to save that fouled woman, then to save > his precious Earth realm. S.D. : You know. Again. > You are a fool to think otherwise!" VID : You're a stupid poopy-headed frooty boot! > "M-My lord-?" ZRITH: I'm sorry, does Shang Tsung not have ANY OTHER DIALOGUE? HUH? > "Have it done Shang Tsung! Now! And turn up the Soul Furnace! LYNX : It's frickin' FREEZING in here! > I want my forces marching on Earth realm as soon as possible! > If--when-- S.D. : Who--why--where? I don't know. [VID holds up two fingers.] S.D. : Two words, okay, two words... > the Earth realm defenders come, TBS : They'll be comin' down to Outworld when they come! VID : They'll be comin' down to Outworld when they come! LYNX : They'll be comin' down to Outworld! S.D. : They'll be comin' down to Outworld! ALL : They'll be comin' down to Outworld when they come! TBS : They'll be ridin' six bare eunuchs when they-- [VID coughs loudly, and switches his gun from one hand to the other. TBS stops singing.] TBS: Um, nevermind. > they will not only find themselves too late, but returning to > a trap as my forces secure positions on Earth! W4: Aw, for--these damn Outworlders! They come *over* here, they take our *jobs*... > That is, if they escape Outworld..." LYNX : Okay. WHEN they escape Outworld! > A protest showed on Tsung's face for a brief moment, ZRITH: ...so the Seattle police tear-gassed him. > then he gave a deep bow, "It will be done!" > And the Lord of Outworld stormed down the hall. S.D. : I am lightning! Crackle crackle crackle! ZRITH : Somehow...I don't think that Shikima is gonna be worried. > Shang Tsung crossed his arms and smiled. LYNX: Then he remembered that he's not Sagat and moved along quietly. > He would gather his master's forces for the assault on Earth realm, ZRITH: Then he would get a Slurpee. > with the Shikima a simple stepping stone. W4 : And you keep usin' me, just like a step-piiiin' stone! You keep usin' me, just-like-a-step-piiiiin' stooone! > And double the guard at Kahn's request. These signs of > open loyalty where necessary for his plans. ZRITH : I shall be... THE BEST TOADY EVER! > But the Furnace would stay as it was. If he was to > wrest the throne of Outworld from his 'beloved' > master, he needed a flawless gem. W4: But that series was cancelled in 1986. VID: Wrong gem, dude. > Not a lump of rock the Emperor would pile among his others. When the > time came, LYNX : *If* the time came! > Tsung would use the energies of Earth realm to > burn that fool of an Emperor to nothing. Even if it > was the filthy energies of Earth's sex. W4 : I've heard that premarital sex will blow your legs off, but this is ridiculous. >****** > > Maria spared herself TBS: That's gotta be pretty hard. W4: That's "spare", Snot. TBS:...Oh. Damn. I would have liked to see that. >only the briefest of moments to gather herself. This pillar-- VID: Gen Fu! How could you! *Ick*! > this Soul Furnace-- S.D.: It's the new and improved _albadon_. Collan Rosvenir thanks his Name Saint they redid it *after* he left. > took no respite, grinding into her sex and anus relentlessly and > without mercy. TBS: There's a No Mercy joke right here. VID: Which you will not make. TBS: True dat. > The hands and mouths went at her hungrily, > trying to devour the flame of her soul. LYNX: Whoa. _Beloved_ flashbacks. W4 : Hey, this flame-grilled soul really *does* taste better! > Take it's warmth for it's own. TBS: Y'see, the Soul Furnace never heard of something called a sweater. ZRITH: Grrr... W4 : Down, boy! [ZRITH shoots a don't-you-even-start glance at W4.] W4 : Yes, ma'am. > The master sex craft ninja LYNX: --named Ben Hutchins... TBS: --with incredible CHEE POWERZ... ZRITH: --who killed Sephiroth with one attack... S.D.: --and then took over Shadowloo... VID: --in *space*... > and demon Queen's S.D: I get it! She's a killer queen! VID: She's dynamite with a laser beam! > heart was filled with sympathy for the withered remains of > souls that comprised the horrid device. It was this, and > her training, that were her only hope, ZRITH: "Her training were her only hope?" TBS : Star Wars or Zero Wing... hmmm... > for the shadow W4: Just what we need. "Stan the Stunner Makes Love Like No Other." > souls felt her compassion TBS: Among other things, of course. > and did their deed with some minor degree of shame and sorrow. TBS: Dude, but they still did it. W4 : Oh, this truly hurts me on the inside so very, very much... Ah, I'll live. > Some even lent her their remaining strength, fell into oblivion as > they did so. TBS : I'm so embarrassed. Excuse my premature damnation. LYNX : Let me guess. "This has never happened before," right? VID: Let me get this straight. They're giving up their last remaining bits of life...? Why? So that Maria can just suffer longer? S.D.: Apparently, the author had us in mind... > She could only thank them, and focus her will on her captors. S.D.: If it makes you feel any better, they were after Death, not you. LYNX : Sakura, when I get out of these cards, you're so dead! > She was also grateful that Shang Tsung and his Emperor had gone, W4: They both had terrible BO. TBS : Never mind anal rape; dark outworld lords ruling unheard dimensions of evil who *stink* really gets to me. > for she'd dare not try and escape with them > watching. Still, she had tempted Kahn with the most > subtle--and yet most obvious--forms of sex craft in the > slim hope that she could at least be removed from this > machine for a time. LYNX: Otherwise, they might forget to add the fabric softener. ZRITH : Oh no! I forgot to add the fabric softener! > Even if she was raped by the titan. W4: This is NOT why we're supposed to Remember The Titans. ZRITH: GrrrrRrRRrrr... > But he had a massive willpower TBS: Is that what they call it nowadays? VID: Roll Willpower, difficulty 8. > and she had been lucky not to tip her hand. W4 : They're master sex ninjas... and they're playing POKER! > Tsung seemed immune to her skill and gave > off an aura of true death. A void that only consumed. S.D: Your villains for this story: Rupert Murdoch and Monsanto. LYNX: Thank you, politico lass! > The eunuchs that held her with their spell, however, were > a different story. ZRITH: The first little eunuch made his house of straw. The second little eunuch made his house of sticks, and the third little eunuch made his house of bricks. LYNX: In that order? I hope they're not architects. > Though Shang Tsung held the Miroku, and sex craft, in > contempt, he still took no chances. ZRITH: So let me get this straight. He stripped the Tantric sex adept--or fundamental equivalent thereof--and stuck her on a pillar of hot pseudorape luvluv because he's not taking any *chances*? Isn't this like keeping prisoners in your armory? > The castrated things that chanted the spell that bound her to the > pillar till she was consumed and a part of it, had had their eyes > as well as their manhood removed. S.D. : And the final part of the spell is on page forty-tw-- oh, crap. ZRITH: And they'll never play football again. TBS: They should, though! It'd be *really funny*! VID: Shut up, Snot. TBS: Like that one Snapple ad with the giant fruits and vegetables on legs that-- VID: Shut *up*, Snot. > The slits had been sown shut long ago, perhaps even at birth. S.D.: Dammit, it's the Magdalene. This was lemon *enough* already... > Branding marks S.D: "Tommy Hilfiger?" What the hell? > tattooed their all too pale skin with wards LYNX : ... > that not only gathered the power they called forth, but offered some > protection from outside spells. VID: After all... if you can't see it, it can't hurt you. ZRITH: ...so if I just clooose my eyeees, then the biiig monster will gooo awaaayyy... > Where their earlobes should have been were only nubs of callused flesh. W4: Look, Kahn *told* them. No earrings until they were at least twelve. So when they went ahead and got 'em anyway... LYNX: He's tough, but fair. TBS: He could have taken the *ears* off, I'd have understood *that*, sure, but why the *earlobes*? I mean, what's *that* for? > She wondered for a precious moment how they learned their > spells: most likely taught as children, then had their > ears removed she thought darkly. They must have been bread > for that one sole propose, LYNX: They gave into the dark side of bakery. > living parchment W4 : Living Parchment is My Favorite Black Heavy Metal Band. > with only one function: to mindlessly recite their > incantation. VID: It's like high school Spanish. > Never knowing even the poorest quality of life. VID: It *is* like high school Spanish. > It made what she had to do to save herself all the more bitter a > task, but if the sorcerer and his master got their way, ZRITH: There would be no more fast-food combo meals. TBS : Maria-chan *likes* fast-food combo meals! Wai! > many more would be condemned to that fate. Her husband and beloved > children might even join her in this pillar. LYNX: Family concession fee, I guess. > She had no choice. W4 : I was born with the gift of a golden voice. > She concentrated on the eunuch before her. TBS : Square... no! No! Circle! W4 : Sorry. TBS : Aaah! Damn you! > While the poor wretches lacked sexual, and many of their > sensory organs, though they may have once been male or > female--or even if they had been deigned that simplest of > pleasures, that knowledge of self--they were still living > beings. ZRITH: And while this sentence lacked structure, and it digressed and ran on--and on--and on--or even rambled, it was still--read. VID : Say, what's wrong with-- TBS : I don't get why Zrith thinks this kind of writing style is bad. VID : --that type of writing style? > Deep down in each was something that could not be removed, LYNX: Cellulite. > locked away or made to be forgotten for the > simple fact they had never known it. TBS: It was an undeniable love of cheese. > And if the last was true, it would make her task somewhat easier > and possibly rewarding. W4 : "Make it to Sajah in under twenty hours," huh? I can do that. > While sightless and deft, the thing before her had a sense > of her presence. > Was aware of her if only as an object. LYNX: And that makes him different from any other male how? ZRITH: Beats me. TBS: He has no eyes. ZRITH: Yes, thank you. > Maria could feel the weak, wasted sliver of it's primal > mind behind the chant that had become it's being. VID: That should be "its." In both cases. ZRITH: Yes, *thank* you. M.M.K.o.D., GUNTER : You're welcome! ZRITH: What? TBS: British people fight dragons so they don't get all firey. [TBS nods, sagely.] > She reached out with her aura to caress that dead ember, to > give it her warmth. S.D. : Ye must desire respite from thy empty existence... thou shalt have it! Celestial Star! > To seduce it. TBS: So she's going to give that sliver a woody? VID: Shut *up*, Snot. > It cost her at once. VID : I want my two dollars! TWO DOLLARS! TWO DOLLARS! > The pillar was trying to do just that, to hold onto a > moment of life, no matter who's. The dregs of soul energy > had felt pity upon her for her gentile heart, TBS : I see she's a goy. VID : Oy gevalt! > now saw that she was giving away what they were fighting for. LYNX : Why do we do this, what are we fighting for? You are my brothers, each one I would die for... W4 : It wasn't the Soul Furnace that screwed Maria! It was *Maria* that screwed Maria! ZRITH: Yes, *thank* y-- W4, TBS: You're welcome! ZRITH: Aigh! TBS: Monkeys learn sign language so they can tell dolphins they love them! [TBS nods, sagely.] ZRITH: Cut that out! > The shafts of flesh within her moved faster, deeper than > before. TBS : The faster and faster and faster you get, another day deeper and deeper in debt... > The hands about her breasts and body began groping > and pinching ZRITH : Tickle tickle! LYNX : Hee hee hee hee hee! > in a punishing manner. A tongue worked it's way along the > shaft in her pussy below while teeth bit at her clitoris above. S.D.: And, strangely enough, other hands manipulated her right arm to make armpit fart noises. > She gasped, then cried out at the escalation. TBS: She must be fun to watch on elevators. VID: Shut up, Snot. > With an effort, her mind stayed fixed on it's target. > > But a war waged within the pillar. W4: But, finally, the Squirrel High Command prevailed over the vile Tediz, and peace was restored to the land. VID: Y'know, that's probably something you won't hear ever again, or anywhere else. > While most of the souls fully hungered for her, ZRITH : Deep-fried Maria! W4 : Teriyaki Maria! S.D. : Glazed Maria! LYNX : Maria Al Dente! VID : Maria A La Mode! GUNTER : Burnt Maria! M.M.K.o.D. : Scalloped Maria. TBS : Maria sashimi! S.D.: AARGH! 'Tenchi on a Plate of Sashimi' flashbacks! > others still felt her love and compassion, and even a few suffered > from heroism, giving of themselves so that she had her chance. TBS: I have to give this credit. I'm not completely offended yet. > In a way, this > made things worse: the shafts would move faster, then > slower. Sometimes they stopped and shuddered. S.D. : Bloody thing's on the fritz again. ZRITH: And sometimes, they'd release mushrooms that allowed Mario to become SUPER MARIO! W4 : I WANT MY NINTENDO BREAK *NOW*, PLEASE! > Regardless, it was a losing battle for her on that front: those who > gave of themselves, also faded to nothing, leaving the > selfish, hungry soul fragments to have their way. ALL: What? LYNX: No, see. They give her their strength, but they disappear afterwards, so they aren't there to serve as counterbalancing agents against the other souls. It's not *that* hard to understand. TBS: ...your fu is strong. LYNX: Well, I work out. > Her other battle, was another story. VID: One day, Maria White was wandering through the forest when she discovered the house of the Seven Dwarves... > Cold ember now a living, burning spark of it's own, S.D.: Narration by Tori Amos. While *drunk*. > the eunuch's chat TBS: Was mobbed with spammers and moders, so he left. > fell into discord with the others. It wasn't > lust that she gave him, but passion. LYNX : Passion... the fire within us all. > Passion for wanting, passion for doing, passion for being. VID: Passion. By Calvin Klein. ZRITH: This is why they don't let Spike Jonze do commercials. > In short, passion for life. LYNX : Must... play... board game! ZRITH: I'm just waiting for an anti-drug pitch to pop up next. W4 : Passion. THE FRESHMAKER! > The poor creature's head looked from side to side, trying > to see without eyes, hear without ears. It touched itself: TBS, W4 : I don't want anybody else! When Maria controls me, I touch myself! [They receive a good bapping.] > first rubbing fingers together, then running a hand across a thin arm. LYNX: Its modeling career began almost immediately. > Reaching down, it touched the floor, felt the > dry dust of dead earth. It cherished it, tasted it. S.D. : Yum! This dead earth is GREAT! LYNX: Talk about being easy to please. > Then it began sniffing the air, took in the dank, rotting odor > as if it was full of honeysuckle rose. ZRITH: And so the Dustmen were founded. > It no longer sang it's chant, but barked as it had > discovered it's voice might be able do other things. LYNX : Here, boy! Here, boy! Fetch the sense! Fetch the sense! VID : Arf! Woof woof! Grrrr! LYNX : That's a good eunuch! You're a good eunuch. Yes you are! You... wait, fuck, it can't hear me! > Then it looked--became aware--of the chant and of the others > who spoke it. ZRITH: ...but it. Can't. Hear! > It reeled in horror, shivered and flinched at the runes burned into > it's skin. TBS : "Kick Me?" *FUCK*! > Realized what it was and let out a mournful wail. ZRITH : What I am, is what I am! Be what you a-- VID: Oh, shut up. > Then at last it became aware of Maria. ALL : I just met a girl named Maria! > She couldn't meet it's sightless gaze and shied away as > the pillar went into a fit of speed. LYNX : Aaaigh! Spin cycle! > She wept silently at what she had done, W4 : ...couldn't take the pill that lets things stay as they were, no, *I* had to fucking take the pill that lets *me* see the *Matrix*, *great* idea... > what she was doing with those feelings. > As the shafts tried to drive her to base lust, she used > her sorrow as a shield to strive it off. S.D. : Not tonight, dear. I've got a headache. > But then she asked herself if she had the right to feel this, > and it crumbled. ZRITH : D'OH! > A second mental barrier replaced it. M.M.K.o.D. : That is why I had a SECOND barrier installed! [ALL turn to look at the projection booth.] M.M.K.o.D. : Crap! Did we leave this *on*? [The intercom cuts out with a burst of static. TBS turns to the screen.] TBS: Oh, hey! There's a movi-- VID: *Shut up*, Snot. > Seikima, Miyu, Fubuki and even Nin-Nin, their memory, and her love > for them gave her the right. TBS: To censor! W4 : This gratuitous unconsensual demon rape scene is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE! > But most of all, it was Miko, as a new born in her arms, that > protected Maria and gave her the strength. VID : You can't harm me! I have a BABY! > Gave her the right. ALL : TO PAAAAAARTY! TO PAAAAAARTY! > Shang Tsung's furnace could not burn her soul away, it's fire was > too much for it. ZRITH: It can't *burn anything*, because there's *too much fire*. Makes *perfect* sense! VID: Matlock would have never thought of that in a *million years*! Wow! It's *brilliant*! > For now at least. She held no raised beliefs about her > abilities. S.D. : Crap! I suck. > She could feel the worn souls of this machine, > other mothers where inside. LYNX: That's "were", Author. ZRITH: Maybe it's supposed to be phrased as a question. Like "Other mothers? *Where* inside?" VID: Maybe he just sucks and I hate him. LYNX: Hey! Not nice! TBS: Yeah! It might be a she! VID: Snot, *shut up*. > Mothers who had also used the memory of their children as shields. > But in the end they had failed, as would hers. It was only a matter > of time. TBS : The clock is ticking! W4 : He puts up the J! > A pleading yelp brought her back to the eunuch. S.D. : ...and now, back to our regularly scheduled eunuch. > It was looking at her like a believer seeing an angel. The > corners of it's mouth curled, tried to smile but it simply > did not know how. S.D. : The facial expressions that resulted from this action cracked Maria up for five solid minutes. > It--he--was thanking her in the only way > he knew how: trying to use what he had learned. ZRITH : Did you know that Spock could live to be three hundred years old? Did you know that Captain Janeway once shook Captain Picard's hand? S.D. : I'm doomed. > But this knowledge had cost student as well as teacher. > The eunuch had been made for one purpose, all of his > energies had been bent to that one task. In changing this, > he had spent himself. VID: This is why I hate dealing with the Bank of Asmodeus. S.D.: They nail you with that free checking gimmick, and then turn right around and repossess your soul for eight months. > Slowly but surely, he wound down like a clockwork toy. He had not > moved from his lotus position: he had no strength to. He simply > leaned forward, crumpled into a pile of flesh and bone, then lay still. TBS : Mmmph mmmph mmmph! LYNX : What was that? TBS : Mmmph mmmph, "MMMPH MMMPH MMMPH!" > Before the end, he managed an actual, '...Ha...' and a > grin. ZRITH: Except, remember, it *couldn't smile*. > "Gomennasai..." Maria breathed. > > The pillar chose that moment to pull out of her sex > completely, TBS: Fall back! Move out! Retreat! VID: We must build up our already massive willpower! TBS: Yo, man. You been feeling all right lately? > change it's shape to something with an oversized ball melded > with a shaft, TBS: Regroup! Reform! > then rammed her full and deep. TBS: Charge! [W4 plays the bugle.] > Changed again inside her. She came at once with > a scream and the shaft went into turbo. W4: It's Super Street Shafter II Turbo! ZRITH: If Night Creeper had created "Transformers," I think it'd go a little something like this... LYNX: At least the Power Rangers never went in *this* direction. > Maria actually recovered quicker than before. Began > working on the next eunuch with a heavy heart. The spell > that held her was weakened, still she had little time. The > pillar was learning her body. W4 : See? SEE! I TOLD you it was a good idea to buy "Maria's Body For Dummies!" > Yet oddly, she felt stronger. VID: Anyone who makes a Britney Spears reference dies. > She had to believe she was going to free herself > and extract revenge on Shao Kahn and Shang Tsung. VID: Anyone who makes that damn Parappa reference *again* dies. TBS: You aren't exactly leaving us a hell of a lot of options here, man. > She had to. For herself. For her family... and now, for the jailers > that held her. VID: For Freedom! Z-BOT: For The Baddies! ZRITH: FOR THE FUTURE! S.D.: For Might! LYNX: For Right! W4: For my picket fence, for my long tall glass of lemonade! For my VCR, my stereo, my TV show! TBS: For the children! My God! What about the children? > But once that was done, once she was out of her bonds, how > would she escape this prison. She did not fear rescue, LYNX : Bring it on, rescue! Lessee you *try*! > Seikima would come for her. Send someone for her. > > Unfortunately, she had a good idea who... TBS: Demi Moore. M.M.K.o.D. : Ding. [ALL turn.] M.M.K.o.D. : Don't think the standard rules aren't still in effect, wormlings. [ALL turn back.] W4 : And, the, eh, light appears, and, eh, it makes, the, eh, noise, like, eh, 'Ting!' ZRITH : When we get out--*if* we get out--I'm moving to Las Vegas. Period. > Outworld is a desolate, bleak landscape. TBS: At least before the beautification campaign. VID : Outworld is like a storm raging inside of you. > More of a trash heap for realms LYNX: Next on Cartoon Network: The Brave Little Shikima. > that its master has rung dry than a true realm of its own. ZRITH: All Shao Kahn really wanted was a realm of his own, with a trimmed lawn, a white picket fence and 2.25 kids... W4: But he's always got to keep up with the Jonses in Dimension X. TBS : Here, meet Gary and Sherman, our 1.5 children! > The skys of this dead realm are filled with swirling ash clouds raining > only lightning. ZRITH : On second thought, let's not go to Outworld. It is a rather silly place. > Its surface is a flat plain, littered with debris from an > untold number of civilizations, W4: Hey, they're gonna have to pay a fine for that. TBS: Didn't they see the "No Dumping" sign? Huh? > cultures and worlds piled atop one another. VID: Not especially clean civilizations, but civilizations nonetheless. > This forms a mockery of a city to the horizon: a constant map of ruin > save for the Emperor Shao Kahn's towering, grotesque, W4: DUDE! Don't give us an opening like that! > fortress place. W4: [blinks] Oh. ZRITH: What did you think it was going to say? LYNX: Don't ask. VID: ..."fortress place?" LYNX: What did I just say? > Made of bone, an untold number of lives were spent in creating it. VID: I'd hate to see the Outworld Bureau de Change. TBS: Hey, it's the evil lairey type place from the Dungeons and Dragons movie! ALL:... LYNX: You actually *saw* that? TBS: Errrrrr...no, I just sorta, you know, read about it in a magazine! Yeah, that's it! A magazine! ALL: ... TBS: *What*? > Centuries to bulid. S.D.: Aeons to laquer. LYNX: Because even Outworld has Union breaks. > Yet surrounding this monument of death and decay, within > the maze, was life. Of a sort. TBS: Eunuchs aren't considered the full product, if you know what we mean. VID: "You mean," you mean. TBS: You're guilty by association. > The citizens of Outworld were as beaten and drained as their realm. W4: Shao Kahn has to get up 4:30 every morning to milk his citizens. ZRITH : We just went through Daylight Savings Time, too, so now they're all screwed up again. > Scurrying as cockroaches, they fought for any meager scrap of food they > found. LYNX: It's like Wal-Mart. S.D: Pain, torture, and eternal damnation, aisle 7. > Be it mold, scavenger beast, or themselves. S.D. : I want to eat Johnson. ZRITH : He's not kosher. S.D. : Depends on how we kill him. ZRITH : Fight you for it. > Any pleasure they knew of was brief, > and usually at the cost of another... W4: They watch Lifetime original programming too? LYNX: See, I can sympathize with these people. I know if *I* could spend all day eating myself, I'd basically never want to stop. [A pause.] TBS: Ahem. LYNX: What? TBS: That could easily be arrang-- [VID begins punting TBS around the theater like a soccer ball.] > The guard patrol had first spotted the street urchin at an > Outworld excuse for a market place. VID: What really caught their eye was that she was marked down thirty percent. > Hidden under a poncho made of rags and covered in filth, they still > made out the smooth, perfect skin of her legs, the curve of her body. TBS : Dibs on the leg. LYNX : You got the leg last time! ZRITH : I want my baby back, baby back, baby back... > Caught sight of a wisp of sensuous, long purple brunette hair. LYNX: Like a scarlet emerald? W4: And she has green azure herringbone plaid eyes, too, right? S.D.: Seemingly, Manic Panic is plentiful on Outworld. > Others had seen this too, and as she had begged for > food, had it offered to her in exchange for her body. ZRITH: This was rather awkward considering she needed her body to eat. TBS : C'mon! My appendix is practically in mint condition! > The soldiers of Shao Kahn had no need for commerce, S.D: Or "barter" or "trade," for that matter. TBS: This could be why they never get paid. S.D: And then they complain about it. Sheesh. > and had decided to take what they wanted. GUNTER : Hey yo you dealin' wit' the X-Factor! [The theater is suddenly bathed in pink light. TBS and W4 stand up.] TBS , W4 , M.M.K.o.D. , GUNTER : I GET EVERYTHING I EVER WAN-TED, AND I'LL NEVER GIVE THAT BAAAAACK! TBS : You know you hate that fact, but- TBS , W4 , M.M.K.o.D. , GUNTER : YOU AIN'T GOTTA LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! W4 : I'm singin'-- TBS , W4 , M.M.K.o.D. , GUNTER : YOU AIN'T GOTTA LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! [TBS quickly ties on a black bandanna and does a very silly dance with his hands in the air.] TBS : Whatcha lookin' at! Whatcha lookin' at! [The pink lighting disappears. TBS and W4 settle back into their seats, and TBS pulls the bandanna off and throws it behind his seat.] ZRITH: ...*fuck*. VID : Language. ZRITH: Sorry. VID: Anyway, what? ZRITH: I just realized: the Mads are on *their* side. S.D.: ...this didn't occur to you earlier? LYNX: He's a little slow. ZRITH: Hey! > If the girl had cooperated, she might have lived to beg again. Learnt > the value of her body. LYNX: Which was "two dolla' cheap." S.D.: Learnt sentence fragments. Learnt choppy, heavy-handed prose. TBS : You are a dirty two-dollar! No! A *dime*! *No*! A *nickel*! NO! A TWO-CENT! *NO*! A ONE-SEVENTEENTH-OF-*ONE-CENT*! TRASH-BAG *SLUT*! > But she had ran, and once caught, TBS: PokeWhores! Gotta catch 'em all! LYNX: Snot. There's limits, and then there's *limits*. > would pay for the trouble she had caused them. She led them a stumbling > chase that ended in a blind alley. TBS : Want a pencil? W4 : Not now! > Cowered and begged in a corner as the five men approached her. TBS: Jesus Christ, they're going to rape Hulk Hogan. > Lesson learned too late. ZRITH: Grammar lesson, that is. > Their leader stood over her grinning as he undid his > pants and reached for her. VID: Then his pants fell down. LYNX: Poor schmuck'll end up having to spend an hour and a half trying to figure out how to get her bra unclasped, though. > It was over quickly. W4: Either the guard stopped time, or he must be REALLY lousy. > As the first guard stumbled back clutching his throat and smashed windpipe, TBS: I've heard of autoerotic asphyxation, but this is *ridiculous!* > a near invisible wire fell about the shoulders of one of his comrades. ZRITH: Right, right, and then the Elfman score cues up and we see the big bat-shaped shadow against the alley wall... [S.D. starts looking intently at the screen.] TBS: What're you looking for? S.D.: Balinese. Didn't they just mention him? TBS: Who? S.D.: What do you *mean*, "who"? TBS: How am I supposed to know who Bally-hoo is? S.D.: Did I say Bally-hoo? TBS: What did you mean to say? S.D.: Was it... Balinese? TBS: You mean Wire Guy from Ninja Scroll? S.D.: Why would I mean Wire Guy from Ninja Scroll? TBS: Because it gives me an excuse to say "My best hat!" S.D.: Statement! TBS : I don't care. [From the projection booth, a near invisible wire falls about TBS. It suddenly jerks towards him and back before recoiling back into the booth. TBS' hat splits perfectly in the front.] TBS : My best hat! GUNTER : Ding! VID: ...kill me. Just... kill me. > It tightened around his neck as he was propelled upward W4 : Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! > and his hangman dropped to the shoulders of the man next to him by > the knee. VID: Wow! I have absolutely no idea what the hell just happened, but it sure was *action-packed*! LYNX: Nah, see, this is one of those fanfics that doubles as a critical thinking puzzle. See, you've got to use logarithms to figure out whose knee it is. S.D.: My best guess is that Rolento's making a surprise cameo. W4: Rolento *who*? S.D.: Rolento-- M.M.K.o.D. : SCHUGERG~! W4: Oh! Okay! [VID begins twitching.] > This girl's naked legs were as smooth as the urchin's, LYNX: She must come from the same batch. TBS: Be *nice* to Blow Up Bessie, Lynxie. LYNX: Give me three reasons. > lacked the grudge makeup, W4 : Hey! Gimme back my eyeliner! VID: So she's not Goth. Huh. > and clamped to either side of his head > in a vise grip as she flipped back and turned. His neck > and vertebrae snapped with a sickening crunch. TBS: Ah, at least he died with a smile on his face. W4 : You must want another Headscissors! > The two remaining, their uniforms not needed, TBS: ...took them off. Hilarity ensued. ZRITH : Men... Strip! > had several throwing stars in their chest before they even thought > of their weapons... LYNX : Poor dopes thought they could just stand still, not get involved, and ride the vigilante attack out. ZRITH : Why don't they look? > ****** W4: : And look! There are the throwing stars! TBS: Is that my signal to take off all my clothes? [A Pause.] W4: Lemme explain this again. [W4 points.] W4 : And look! There are the throwing stars! ZRITH : Great. Killer street urchins leaving behind deadly throwing stars. Wake me when the excitement is over. [ZRITH gets out of his seat and lays down on the theater floor. The 'fic freezes.] VID : Huh? What gives? M.M.K.o.D. : iT gives you nothing, you pathetic baitbox. It has temporarily halted the 'fic due to lack of... participation. LYNX : You mean... we're free? M.M.K.o.D. : What? No! That'd be stupid. GUNTER : We just thought, hey, as long as we've got people trying to take a nap, we'd show off this cool new thing we've got! Hold on a sec, okay? S.D.: O... kay. [The theater is silent for exactly five seconds. Then, the room explodes into a combination of searchlights, bullets, and occasional radio static. Masked men in black shock uniforms rappel down from the ceiling. They team up and kick ZRITH in the side.] TROOP 1: YOU! ON YOUR FEET, *NOW*! ZRITH : Huh? Is it New Year's Eve *already*? TROOP 5 [shoving ZRITH>: NO TALKING! TROOP 3 [waving his gun>: Mista Zrith, you are under arrest by the Dream City Police for illegal use and conduct of and within this abandoned theater. We're taking you in now. You, have the right to shut up and pretend like we love you, care for you, and have nothing but your utmost best interests at heart. [ALL TROOPS snicker.] TROOP 4 [shoving ZRITH into the wall>: Up against the wall, punk! [The TROOPS lay into ZRITH, beating him mercilessly with nightsticks and pepper spray. That done, the TROOPS rappel back up into the ceiling, leaving behind silence and a severely beaten ZRITH.] GUNTER : Oh *man* that was cool! M.M.K.o.D. : See, the theater was specially prepared in case Ratio-2 riffer sven ever ended up in here. GUNTER : Yeah! We hired some out-of-work Dream City cops, and now we have a Torture Theater 2001 Bright, Effacing and Troubleshooting Anti-Sleep Squad! M.M.K.o.D. : B.E.A.T.A.S.S. for short. GUNTER : Damn right. VID : *Greaaaaaat*. Anything *else* we should remember? [An elephant falls on VID.] GUNTER : Hee hee hee hee! S.D.: In all fairness, I saw that coming a mile away. VID : Oh, shut up. [A crane lowers itself from the ceiling and retrieves the elephant, leaving VID to collect his bearings.] > Miko, Fubuki and Yaku made their way to Shao Kahn's place with > Nin-Nin going up ahead to scout. TBS: What about Wakko and Dot? VID: ...this *ISN'T* "Animaniacs," Snotters. W4 : Nin-Nin and the Brain. Nin-Nin and the Brain. [VID and ZRITH aim at W4.] W4: ...I'll be good. > They avoided other patrols, not only because their off number might > arouse TBS : And sex ninjas aren't supposed to do that? > suspicion, but they also didn't know any passwords or signs. VID: I mean, it's not like the signs were everywhere, talking and singing and breaking my mind. > In addition they had to move quickly, ALL: INTENSE MOVING ACTION! > time enough had been wasted getting these smelly disguises and > traversing this dead land. All worried of Maria's fate. VID: And Richter's being mind-controlled into taking over Dracula's castle was bad enough. W4 : Can you help me, doc? TBS : Well, what happened? W4 : I think I fractured my sentence! [S.D. does a rimshot.] > But still, as the four reunited and lost their guises to scale the > horrid keep's wall, ALL : We're free, we're free! > the Shikima Queen's second daughter surprisingly thought more of the > Thunder God who had helped them get here. VID: Thor? ZRITH: If she's thinking of a Raichu, I'm going to go completely batshit. > Raiden manifested unannounced in her father's throne room and took > everything LYNX : ...even the kitchen sink. W4 : ESPECIALLY the kitchen sink. [A pause.] OTHERS: ...huh? W4 : Why, he even took the last can of Who Hash! S.D.: Okay, you don't have to *dumb down* the references. > over as the group argued about leaving for Outworld. S.D.: Just like gods - have to be in charge of everything... VID: Well, sometimes they have a point. M.M.K.o.D. : Oh, definitely. "Evil cannot be forgiven" is a good example. VID: Kim Kaphwan *doesn't count*! M.M.K.o.D. : He died for your sins, you know. VID: Argh! > They had just finished arguing the circumstance of Maria's abduction, LYNX: I'm telling you! It's the Magic Bullet Theory all over again! There was a second shooter! TBS: If we find the mastermind behind GTV, we'll find the man who kidnapped Maria. W4: It was ELVES, I tell you! Elves and Bob Vila! > it's probable cause and the King's limitations. S.D.: He can only move one square in any direction. TBS: King's limitations, to King's limitations four. ZRITH: It is eaten by a grue. TBS: *Fuck*! > Not to mention how--if Miko did go off to save her--the woman would kill > her husband for allowing her to do so! S.D. : Thanks for saving me. Now pardon me while I kill your daddy. Oh... and by the way, you're grounded. > Shinto seal spells were W4:...barking and balancing balls on their noses for paying Sea World customers. TBS : I am Shamu! > waiting back on Earth to send them to the damned realm, but the > King was adamant LYNX : Two shoes, two shoes, goody-goody two shoes! > and was even willing to attack the temple to keep them from going: ZRITH : BURN IT DOWN! Teach THEM to take off for the weekend! Ha HA! > a group of his demons had surrounded it and were waiting for word to strike. LYNX: They can calm down now--the airline's reached a tentative agreement. > Then the Thunder God had intervened. VID : Ultron. We would have *words* with thee. > His help had not been asked for yet he gave it. Forced it > upon them. To hear him talk, he had summoned them! VID, TBS, W4: It's SUPER DARAVON! > They had two separate conversations: his in which his people > were already on their way to Outworld to save--his actual > words--"the demon's whore!", LYNX: How un-PC! S.D.: "Netherworldly being's concubine," Raiden. > and how the King's--not that he had bother to address Seikima as > such--meager attempts were pointless. TBS : Let's be frank, shall we? Your opponents aren't short-skirt wearing schoolgirls this time. Pun intended, but you're screwed. > He should send Miko and her friends back to the brothel he had called > them from. TBS: Well, I wouldn't go as far as to call it a brothel... W4: Dude, they're selling sex. [A pause.] TBS: True that. But *still*! > The other consisted of Miko telling the--well, she hated > using those kind of words-- LYNX : I can accept sex with demons, but cursing is unforgivable! > and her Father S.D.: --who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name... > being held back by several of his guards while blasting a stream of > similar, "niceties". VID : Kindly shut up and let us go, you insignificant piece of electrostatic eternal! LYNX : Yeah, what he said! Go find a hole of your wastes and baptize yourself in them! ZRITH: I'm not asking. S.D.: I'm writing this down. > The God had left as suddenly, and as rudely, as he had come once > he had finished. TBS : Hmph! He even shorted me on the tip! And I got down on-- > The King had not only sent them off with his blessing, TBS : Baruch atah Adonai, elohanu melech ha-olam... > but had asked if they could bring a few of Raiden's > "champions" back as guest... small pieces preferred. W4 : Kano and bits and bits and bits. Kano and bits and bits! TBS : You can't touch my champions! You don't know JAX, suckers! > Once in Outworld, she had to admit no matter what she > though of Raiden, his people were damn useful. LYNX : They know how to cook! That's something they didn't teach in ninja school. > The ninja girls had stumbled across several of them and had tried to > join up. TBS: Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. > But they were of a similar mindset as Raiden and told them to go home. ZRITH : Miko phone home! LYNX: Not surprising, considering the common fashion sense. W4: Like Sonya's spandex suit? LYNX: ... TBS: Or Johnny Cage's spandex shorts? LYNX: ... S.D.: Or Goro's thong? LYNX: POINT FRICKIN' TAKEN ALREADY! > It was that--and the fact that the American who wore sunglasses kept > staring at Yaku's chest-- ZRITH : "If you can read this, you are too close." TBS : Pardon me, but I think it would be breas--er, b-best if you jugs--erk, j-just went ho-ho-home! W4 : These breasts are not Silky Marquee! M.M.K.o.D. : Ding! W4: Thanks! TBS, M.M.K.o.D. , GUNTER : You're welcome! ZRITH: SHUT UP! > that the trio had decided to make use of the fighters regardless > of their attitude. Or at least Fubuki had. W4 : While the American stares at the enemies' chests, we attack! > Dresses as a normal citizen of Outworld, S.D.: And pants as tourists. > the girl had pointed a patrol or two in the direction of the lumbering, > noisy group against Miko's limited and subtle protest. LYNX : Hey, patrol guys! Go that way! ZRITH : I protest this. But only mildly. LYNX : Coo'. I said *that* way, you morons! > They now occupied most of Kahn's troops and elite guard VID: Yeah, but they still haven't destroyed Kahn's Battle Labs and Construction Yards. > as the army scoured the waste looking for them on the > opposite side of the tower. But even with the > impromptu--not to mention cruelly devious--distraction, ZRITH: There was still a troublesome time getting tickets. > their own group still had had to get uniforms to get past > the remaining soldiers and sneak into the castle. TBS: Schoolgirl uniforms would workggl-- VID : No they wouldn't. > Now their real problems were beginning. ZRITH: Let's forget that they were trapped in a realm filled with bloodthirsty-- W4: --and lust-thirsty-- ZRITH: --soldiers. And let's forget that they're outnumbered forty-seven billion to four. Now they're REALLY in trouble. W4: And why would that be? S.D. : I BROKE A NAIL! WAAAAAAAAH! > While they had known where Maria was by the spiritual link she shared > with her husband and daughter, LYNX: Remember, kids, if your parents don't share a spiritual link with you, it's because they never really loved you anyway. > Outworld's negative energies made it so Miko only had a general > idea of where her mother was held captive. TBS: Specifically, on Outworld. > She did know that her mother was suffering greatly. VID: The big tipoff was when she heard Maria scream, "Oh, the pain!" "AGONY!" and "Will you knock that off? That HURTS!" > Before, she could contain her feelings. W4: ...they sprang free and ran for the border. > Yet this close but still so far, and no idea > where to look... she began to sob quietly on the balcony > all now hid. LYNX : Why do *I* always have to be 'it'? W4: There, there, Miko. Don't worry your purple brown head over it. Every cloud has a silver orange lining. > "Miko-chan..." Fubuki whispered. Yaku put a comforting > hand on her friend's shoulder. > > "They're tearing her apart..." Miko uttered, started to > tremble with the effort to contain herself. TBS : I KNEW putting dotted lines on Maria was a bad idea. > She wanted to wail her sorrow. And unwillingly betray their position. W4 : Yeah, betrayal, you ruined my life, betrayal, yeah, you're twisting the knife-- ZRITH: Oh, shut up. > Before Yaku or Fubuki could offer more solace, TBS: ...that should take them... [looks at wrist] oh, ten minutes. LYNX: Of what? TBS: Obligatory "comforting" nookie scene. > Nin-Nin was suddenly upon his mistress's upper leg W4 : Mmmm... thighs! My favorite! > as she clung to a shadowed wall. "Don't worry Miko-sama, we'll save her..." TBS : Even if we have to hump your leg and take a nap! LYNX : How will THAT help? TBS : It couldn't hurt! > But as the little imp offered his thigh hug, a hand > gripped at the crotch of Miko's green leotard. It crunched > up her panties and clung to her... TBS: He shoots, he... [VID takes a bead on TBS' head.] TBS: Shutting up. > "YOU ASSHOLE!!" Miko whispered in a tearful hiss as her > fist caught the heartless pervert across the head and sent > him skidding across the floor of the balcony they now > occupied. ZRITH: Replace your divots, Miko. Sheesh. > "How dare you play around at a time like...!" > she trailed off as she felt the anger for her servant, VID: Well, damn. Gain a Dark Side Point, Miko. > then realized she was no longer crying. LYNX : My tears... they're gone! I lost them! W4 : I'm sorry, Mr. Director. I need some more eyedrops. > She tried to hold on to it, but Nin-Nin's ploy was too > easily seen through, S.D. : I think he was COMING ON to me! > the anger was dissipating in a wave > of shame at her action. Then she thought of the hate she > felt for her mother's kidnapers, but knew it wasn't right. ZRITH : Lemme see that map again... > If she felt her mother, then she could sense her. VID: Don't even *think* it, Snot... TBS: What are you talking about? [VID stops, then blushes.] TBS: Hehehe. W4: I'm just wondering how she started to think about it after she got squeezed in the crotch. ZRITH: Guys... TBS: It's the Wise and Powerful Crotch of All-Knowing! ZRITH: *Guys*... [TBS darts behind LYNX.] LYNX : My mother! We have to find her! What do we *do*? [TBS mimes squeezing LYNX' crotch.] TBS : HONK! LYNX : Oh, *right*! *I* remember! Hey, I can track her within *seconds* now! *Thanks*, Wise and Powerful Crotch of All-Knowing! W4 : Wise and Powerful Crotch of All-Knowing should not be used while under medication. Located in all reputable hardware stores. [W4, TBS and LYNX sit down. For an encore, an elephant falls on VID.] VID : HEY! [The crane retracts the elephant and VID fumes.] > Right now her mother was enduring all the rancid, perverted > energies of this horrid place. She needed no more negative > emotions. W4: Hence, she reached out surreptitiously and touched Fubuki on the back of the neck. [ZRITH hits the button on the remote control. W4 shuts down.] VID: We're going to have to do this repeatedly, aren't we? ZRITH: I'm afraid so. > Miko leaned against the wall, closed her eyes and clasped > her hands together. ZRITH : Ommmmmmmm. > She thought of the first time she had seen her mother in the Shikima > realm and knew her for what she was. VID: She was a lean, green mother from outer space and bad. TBS: Big, green, bad. > Remembered how they held each other TBS: Ewwww. > and how the woman's eyes shown with love every time she saw her > daughter, even when angered at her. LYNX : I love you, you bitch! S.D. : I love you, too, Mom! You whore! LYNX : Skank! S.D. : Trollop! > Miko felt it warm her being, flow about her body, ZRITH: ...burn her to a crisp. TBS: *Melt* her to a crisp! ZRITH: Yeah, yeah. VID: What? TBS: Hee hee! > then pour out of her to her mother. > > It suddenly came back ten fold. VID : The soul you are trying to reach is no longer in service. Check the aura and then dial again. > "Miko?" Fubuki asked again. Her face was awash with > concern and compassion, as was Yaku's when she looked at > them. W4 : My God, Fubuki, Yaku! What did you guys do to your eyes? LYNX : Washed 'em. Why? > She took Yaku's and Fubuki's offered hand and closed > her own about them. TBS: *CRUNCH!* S.D , LYNX : AAH! TOO TIGHT! > Friend and adopted sister seemed shocked for only a moment > at the odd warmth they felt, VID : It feels like... *burning*. > then closed their eyes and let their love pour out of them. ZRITH: Care Bears... STARE! > A white aura flared about the group for the briefest of > moments. W4: Hey! I didn't know they had a Unite attack. LYNX: No one would use them otherwise. > "Arigato..." Miko breathed after a time and broke the > huddle, "Okasan's all right now. I can feel it." ZRITH: At this point, we cut to the celebration, complete with fireworks dropped by Z-95 Headhunters. > The two nodded in assurance, then Yaku said, "But we still > have to find her and get her out." LYNX : ...on second, thought, to hell with her. Let's go home and get smashed. > Miko gave a soft grunt with her replying nod. Smiled lightly. TBS : ...began to sound more and more like PJ with every sentence. Found unable to stop. Send help. > "You two go on ahead and check out this floor." > Another nod of compliance from the pair, S.D , LYNX : [bowing] Yes, mistress. [W4 does the Psycho Bitch Laugh (tm Naga the White Serpent).] ZRITH : I should have shut him off beforehand. > and they where gone. TBS: *Where* they gone? > Miko waited only a moment, then walked to where she > had smashed Nin-Nin. W4 : I'm going to have to use a five-iron for this next shot. > The poor thing was slumped against the opposite wall, his eyes spinning > swirls beneath his cowl. VID : See, 'cause he's FUNNY. Laugh. LAUGH! > She knelt and kissed him gently on his bruise. > "Arigato Nin-Nin..." LYNX: "Thanks for being a horny bastard." THAT'S a new one. [TBS and W4 grin conspiratorially.] > He came right out of it. "Miko-sama!" he crooned and > groped for her chest. Her fist came down hard to stop him. TBS : Here's somethin' I learned from my old friend Ayumi! > "Baka!" Miko yelled sternly, "We don't have time for your > fooling around! Yaku and Fubuki are leaving us behind! S.D. : But they'll soon learn that no one leaves Miko! NO ONE! [ALL scoot away from S.D.] ZRITH: You're just a little too good at that. > Lets go!" and she was gone. W4 : Yep, she's gone. > "You're welcome, Miko-sama..." The imp said to himself > happily and with a grin. He took a moment to make a piece > sign TBS: So, he's deaf and he's signing that he wants a piece of cake? > with his three digit stubby fingered hand to no one > in particular, then followed lovingly after his > mistress... [ZRITH takes out a cell phone, calls someone, looks up, smiles, and flashes the peace sign. An elephant falls on VID. ZRITH blinks a couple times.] > ****** ZRITH: Sorry. VID : Shut up. > Maria knelt down and cradled the head of the last eunuch in her lap W4 : Rock-a-bye, eunuch, on the tree top. When the wind blows the cradle will rock... [The crane retrieves the elephant.] VID: Zrith, I'm hopin' you've left some aspirin in there. > as its--her-- S.D.: Wait a second. A *female eunuch*? Author, girls don't have the parts to *lose* to become eunuches, unless they're transsexuals or hermaphrodites, in which case they aren't *female*. A woman can be infertile, have her tubes tied, whatever, but she can't be a fucking *eunuch*. [A pause.] TBS: Isn't 'fucking eunuch' an oxymoron? S.D.: Shut up. W4: And couldn't they, I guess, fill her with cement or something? LYNX: Okay, now I have to *kill* you. W4: I'm *asking*! > body died. VID : You cryyyyy as my body dieeees, all that you despiiiised is gone away... > Ran a soothing hand S.D.: I thought she was a school reporter? ZRITH: Different girl. > over the placid skin. W4 : I'm rooting for the alligator. > The girl had almost done her in but the Shikima Queen couldn't > stop feeling sorry for her. S.D.: She never once saw a rainbow. > With each eunuch's death, Maria's connection with the > remaining became stronger. VID: Which is just a fancy way of saying, "After she killed a few, she got better at it." > She could feel their gratitude, their longing and sorrow at a taste > of life they never had or could really comprehend. TBS: To Hell with Mikey. Eunuchs like it! > This only made her task all the more harder as they took bits of > her as they died in their frustration. W4: Whoa. "Ukyo Kuonji in Lemon Sherbet" flashback. *Again*. > And the column had begun to truly devour her. LYNX : Needs salt. > Its surface no longer held her, but was seeping into her flesh, > slowly drinking her essence. S.D.: But it never did figure out where to insert the straw. > As veins of corruption bored into her, she was S.D.: --gradually metamorphosing into a politician. ALL: The horror! > being overcome by a false elation. A final orgasm that would > have shattered her soul. S.D. : La petite morte. VID: You're awfully... well-versed in the world for a twelve-year-old. > She knew if she gave into it, she was lost. It was then > that her heart reached out to the girl. ZRITH : Now listen up, girlfriend... [snaps fingers three times] > She was unlike the others. S.D. : I'm a *freak*. > She had been sold to Shao Kahn by her mother soon after her > realm had been taken by the warlord. LYNX: And her mom got a Dodge Dart out of it. ZRITH: Hey, that *is* a pretty sweet deal. > Her heart and mind closed with unspeakable > tortures, her soul shaped and deformed. TBS: ...and after appropriate soulforging, voila! It's an ashtray! > As her true self woke, she damned the Queen with all the hate > of an unloved child for a mother. S.D. : You never took me rollerskating! LYNX : You never cleaned your room! S.D. : You never bought me new shoes! LYNX : You never did your homework! > Overwhelmed, Maria teetered over the abyss... TBS : And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you. > It was then that Miko's love poured into her. VID Pouuuur some suuuugar on maaay! > Hers, then Fubuki's and Yaku's. There was even a hint of Miyu's, > praying somewhere in a temple on Earth. W4: Let's not forget the millions of perverts playing along at home! LYNX: Wrong kind of love. I hope. TBS: If you want Maria to survive, audience, you need to wa-- [VID locks and loads.] TBS: --sh your soul free of impure thoughts. [VID stands down. TBS flashes cyan for a moment.] W4: Tardy Counter! TBS: I am a Ka-rah-tay Masta! > Of her husband, Seikima, his heart was always with her... ZRITH : It's on my keychain. Wanna see? > As all of this flooded into her being, she focused it and > gave it to the machine. LYNX: But it *still* demanded Maria's password. > And when the shriveled, drained souls within feasted on the pure > emotion, TBS : Hey! Butterscotch! > they woke to their true selves one last time. Flaring with light, the > pillar quivered as shades of memories burned out of the souls. W4: Get it! The memories burn! Because they're IN A FURNACE! That's FUNNY! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Hokay. It wasn't funny at all. [sobs] ZRITH: [pats W4 on the shoulder] There, there. W4: I'm cold. ZRITH: There, there. > Memories of when they themselves lived. > > As she had cried out in orgasm, TBS: She enjoyed the experience. Does that make her a necrophile? W4: But the furnace is a machine, so that makes her a technophile. TBS: She's a technecrophile! [TBS and W4 are promptly hurt very badly.] > Maria dropped to the floor, freed and whole. VID: Landing on her head, unfortunately. > It was still an effort in recovering, LYNX : I fell on my keys! > and when she looked up, the pillar was so much ash crumbling in > upon itself. ZRITH: And THAT'S why you should wear a condom. > Now she cried wells of tears which fell to the dying > girl's face, crying for her as well as herself. VID: If the girl hadn't died, she would have drowned. > "Poor child," she sobbed, "of course your mother loved > you... She could do nothing but." S.D.: ...SING! > The girl's claw of a hand trembled, and Maria took it with > loving gentleness in her own. LYNX : I might need this later. *SNAP* S.D. : Hey! I was still using that! > "When she gave you to Kahn, it was with a hope > that you would have a life she could not give you... She > couldn't have imagined this." LYNX: Hell, *I* couldn't imagine this. > Maria knew the girl could not hear her, TBS : I SAID, "WHEN SHE GAVE YOU TO KAHN..." Oh, to Hell with it. > but she was feeling her words, her heart. "I too surrendered my > children to fate. W4 : Sur-render... W4 , TBS : Sur-render... W4 : But don't give your-self awaaaay-ea-ay... aaaay-ea-ay... W4 , TBS : Aaaaaaaay-ay-aaaaay! > I could see them in their joy, their sadness, LYNX: ...their underwear... > but I could not be there for them and it only hurt more. S.D. : If it makes you feel any better, I put one in a car seat and drove him into a lake. It was funny at the time. > Your mother wasn't given such a luxury so I > can't imagine the pain of her shattered heart. Mine didn't > mend till my were returned to me." VID: ...Till what? > the demon Queen suddenly went blind from the water in her eyes, ZRITH : AUGH! I'm drowning! > "...and I hope your mother waits for you now... go in peace > little one..." > > The girl looked with missing eyes, not at Maria, but > beyond. She smiled. > > "ma...ma..." she said in a whisper, and then was still... [W4 perks up visibly.] ZRITH: No. W4: You know what? This reminds me! ZRITH: *No*. W4: Snotto! Guitar! [TBS whips a guitar from out of nowhere. A microphone extends from a panel in W4's hand.] TBS: Ready! ZRITH, VID: *No*! [TBS pulls a pick out of his pocket and frenetically plays a 1950's-style rock and roll riff.] TBS : Now put these kids to sleep, will ya'? W4 : MA MA *MA* MA MA MA *MA* MA MA MA *MA* *MAAAAA* MA MA MA! [TBS jams frantically on the guitar.] W4 : PA PA *PA* PA PA PA *PA* PA PA PA *PA* *PAAAAA* PA PA PA! [TBS jams frantically on the guitar. A panel opens in the theater's ceiling, letting loose hundreds of brightly-coloured three-foot-tall hollow rubber balls bouncing around. LYNX and S.D. hold on to their seats as the balls sweep VID and ZRITH away like twigs in the Hoover Dam. The balls inexplicably circle rapidly around W4 and TBS, never once coming near them.] W4 : GIMME SOME *MIIIIIIIILK*, GIMME SOME *FOOOOOOOOD*! [TBS jams frantically on the guitar.] W4 : GIMME THE *CAAAAAAAAAR*! ONE THAT GO *VROOOOOOM*! [TBS jams frantically on the guitar, plays the opening riff again, and finishes with an end riff. The pink, yellow and light blue balls part for TBS and W4 as they return to their seats, then scurry out of the theater through a door in the wall. A dazed and dizzied ZRITH and VID return to their seats, holding their heads.] S.D.: That was actually pretty cool. LYNX: Eh. The first game was better. TBS: But we aren't *allowed* to make that damn Parappa reference again, so there it is, then. Right, Nick? VID: Shut... up... > Maria let out a wailing scream of anguish, [S.D. makes fire engine noises.] > bent over the body with heaving sobs...then moved as a blur as a > weighted chain came down where she had been. TBS : Hey there, pretty mama, how's about a date? > Eight ninjas clad in black dropped from the ceiling before > her. S.D.: ...twitching. LYNX : Ungh... can't stand...too much...saccharine... need...insulin...must...stop...Shatnerizing... > All held their weapons menacingly--yet the assured air they tried to > claim was disrupted by wet spots about their uniform's cotch areas. W4 : I soiled my armor, I did. TBS: No, then it'd be *crotch* areas. VID: It *said*... that... shut *up*, Snot! > As the one who had thrown the chain reeled it back and > began to twirl it, the warrior next to him said, "Careful > fool, you nearly killed her! VID: They're kinder, gentler ninjas. TBS : Prepare to BE HURT A LITTLE! > Kahn will do worse than that to us if that happens! VID : What's worse than death? TBS : He'll make us watch "Saved By the Bell" reruns. VID : Even the "New Class?" [TBS gravely nods.] VID : Holy sweet petunias, no! > However..." he stood upright and held his soiled pants. ZRITH : First we must drop by my dry cleaners'. > His member was still hard under the fabric. "I don't think he'll > mind if we have a little fun? W4: Oh, GOD! They're not gonna-- ZRITH: Yes. Yes they are. W4: SHIT! They're going to form a circle and sing "Skip to My Lou!" NOOOOOOOOOO! [ZRITH pulls out the remote, points it at W4, pauses, and hits himself with it.] > What do you say bitch? Want some real men one last time?" S.D. : [looks around] Where? LYNX : Oh, it's on now, bitch. > Maria was in a striking crouch before them a short > distance from where the weight had struck, her eyes fixed > on the spot. [A 7-Up Spot walks onto the corner of the screen that Maria is staring at, adjusts its sunglasses, and walks off the screen again.] S.D.: Hee hee! TBS: Cool! ZRITH : I didn't see that. VID: I think we had it better when we had Mads *without* senses of humour. > There had been no time to think, only react. > The blow would have indeed killed her, no matter what > these men intended to do to her now. TBS : C'mon, lady. This blow is pure and solid. And it's yours for a K a kilo. Whaddaya say? > She wished it had landed on it's intended target... > > The eunuch. The girl. The child who had been treated to > every possible unkindness none would dare imagine and had > embodied every fear Maria had held for her daughters had > been given one more: the weight had smashed in her bony, > shriveled and scared face... VID: And she was still. LYNX: No, no, no. She was sent to another dimension. TBS: No. She was sent back to the beginning of the stage. S.D.: No. She found herself back in the king's throne room missing half her gold. W4: What's the big deal? She was already dead anyway, wasn't she? VID: That's not the *point*, and you know it. > The ninja as a group were mistakenly relaxed, still > chuckling at their comrade's comment when she regarded > them with a look. W4: Ninjas courtesy of "There Is No Funny Reason." > And, as a group, they fell silent and took a fearful step > back from the naked and weaponless woman... LYNX: She's naked! Ph34r! TBS : With these breasts I condemn you all to death!! > ****** > > Meanwhile, Miko and her group, had become lost in the maze > that was Kahn's fortress. W4 : I know that the power pellet is around here SOMEWHERE... VID : Eh, stone walls? Drat...I guess the old cut-through-the-hedges trick won't work on this one, guys. S.D. : What did he say about mazes? Keep one hand on the wall? > The nightmarish, vast halls stretched on forever, W4 : ...and ever and ever. It means to you what it means to me! So from this moment on... we *know*! > with connections of the same features of twisted, burnt flesh. VID: On the wall was hung an authentic Salvador Dali. > Doors to chambers they dared tried lead to horrors that > would hunt their dreams long after they left this > place-- LYNX : I mean, their bathrooms didn't have any *tissue paper*, for Kami's sake! TBS : And their master bedroom... S.D. : Teletubbies... and Barney... wallpaper. [shivers] > if they ever got out. Miko's vague sense told her to go up, VID : Go up. [TBS climbs an invisible ladder to the ceiling. VID gapes.] TBS : Now what? VID: ... S.D. : Build an Ark. TBS : An Ark! [TBS waits a beat.] TBS : Riiiight! S.D.: Hee hee! > so at the first stairway they came to, upward > they went when possible. None went straight up, so at each > new floor, a new search was begun. LYNX: Karnal Kombat Episode IV: A New Search. > Losing the uniforms had been a mistake no matter how > much they reeked. LYNX : Where's the Soul Washing Machine when you really need it? > While not as heavy as outside, patrols still > wondered the halls LYNX : Wow, these walls are cool! ZRITH : I wonder... how do you get the bone to shape itself like that? > and many of the floors were populated by soldiers and slaves. W4: The others were patrolled by soldiers in thongs. > Fubuki, dressed as a slave girl, > had managed to guide the group through these areas S.D. : And here we have Shao Kahn's private petting zoo. Careful now. They tend to bite when petted. LYNX : We're walking, we're walking... > as they hid in the palace's ever present shadows. W4 : Hi! LYNX : Hello. W4 : Follow me. LYNX : Okay. > She was accosted twice by guards, W4 : She looks suspicious. We better frisk her! TBS : All right, girl! Spread them! [VID grinds his teeth audibly.] > and at one point had to give head to an obese slave master, LYNX : But I won't elaborate on that because the thought sickens me as well... TBS : What does everybody want? VID: Snot... TBS: Uh, Vid, that's not the line-- VID: I know. [TBS swallows hard.] S.D.: Wouldn't the slave master *know* she isn't really a slave, though? ZRITH: Probably. TBS: But might I remind you that thinking isn't a good idea? W4 : AIIGH! S.D.: Yeah, yeah. > but she endured. LYNX: HOW? > Yaku had volunteered for another section, but been refused > by her friends. Fubuki had gone out of her way to make > herself look as plain as possible and had still been > attacked. LYNX: Actually, in the author's world, the guards would attack anything with legs and a hole. W4: And a heartbeat? LYNX: Maybe not. > Yaku most likely would have been made a personal slave. W4 : Who's your special friend now, bitch?!? ZRITH : For the last time. THIS. IS. NOT. ANIMANIACS! W4: But the narrator said-- ZRITH: GODDAMNIT, NO IT ISN'T! W4: ...whoa. Okay, then. ZRITH : Where'd I put that trade-in-by-phone catalog...? > And since Miko was in no shape to put up a front, > Fubuki went again. Suffered a backdoor quickie from a > guard. S.D.: Can't they just *kill* those guards? I mean they're *ninjas*, aren't they? VID: [Sighs] Tenchu: Stealth Assassins these gals ain't. > But these were only minor hazards compared with the less > traveled halls. VID: I don't know whether it's fitting or disturbing that unprotected casual sex is classified as a "minor hazard." > Not only did booby traps abound, which Nin-Nin seemed drawn to, W4: Heh heh..."booby"... TBS : Oh, my...booby trap... Your pitfalls are so...*deep*... > but Shao Kahn's own ninja hid in > wait for ones such as they. After two surprise encounters, > in which they literally bumped ZRITH: ...and grinded... > into the hidden ninjas S.D. : Ow! LYNX : Sorry! S.D. : Dammit! Now I'm not hidden anymore, you bitch! > and dealt with them before they could sound an alarm, Yaku > decided her talents were needed. W4 : My specialty: using two paddleballs at once! [ZRITH points the remote at W4 and clicks. W4 is unconscious.] VID: What's he run on? Windows ME? > Her runaway, torn dress slave girl in heat act, if failed to > ferret out a hidden guard, gave away their position [ZRITH's head begins visibly weaving. ZRITH holds his head with both hands in a desperate attempt to keep it steady.] ZRITH: ...whaaaaaaaaAAAA? [S.D. joins in on trying to hold ZRITH's head steady.] S.D.: Guys, I think I need help! [VID joins S.D. in trying to hold ZRITH steady. W4, on a whim, grabs the remote away from ZRITH.] VID: Hey! ZRITH : Gnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! [W4 points the remote at ZRITH and clicks a button. ZRITH's head stops weaving and he slumps down, unconscious.] TBS: Dude! VID: It... buh... that... that was a coincidence. [W4 presses a couple buttons on the remote, with no visible results.] W4: Well, damn. [W4 nearly gives ZRITH back the remote, then thinks again and keeps it.] > as they huffed with panting breath or spilt seamen upon the floor. S.D.: Ewww... all those spoiled marine commanders sprawled on the floor... > Nin-Nin rather liked her performance as well... TBS : It was better than "Miss Saigon." Sorta. > But of course all of this took time. S.D. : But loooooove... is timeless... loooooove is timeless... LYNX : And we're not always given time, time for yours and time for mine... W4 : It's one o'clock and time for lunch, hum-de-DUMMMMM-de-dummm... > And while they did not feel the need for urgency as before, LYNX : Shouldn't we, y'know, hurry up and save your mother? VID : Eh. No rush. LYNX : Well, all right then. Nin-Nin, get away from that. TBS : *Pretty*... lever... > they knew it was only a matter of time before they, and the bodies > they were leaving behind, were discovered. S.D. : Hey, Joe, was Frank dead when he clocked in? > Then it came as almost no surprise, that as they entered what > looked like a meeting hall, the doors slammed shut at either > end and laughter echoed malevolently around them. LYNX : The memories burned! Because they were in a furnace! THAT'S FRICKIN' *CLASSIC*, MAN! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! TBS: At least they weren't melted to a crisp. > A light shown on a ledge high above, and on a raised > throne of skulls sat a massive human figure. VID: Brian Thompson in a vaguely surprising cameo. [ZRITH stirs.] S.D.: Well, finally. VID: Are you feeling better? ZRITH: Mir ist schwindelig. [ZRITH's eyes cross as if he is trying to look at his own mouth.] VID: *What*? [TBS' eyes grow very wide and his head whips around to stare at W4.] TBS: *Dude*! W4: What? [W4 scratches his neck with the remote, then blinks.] W4: Oh! [ZRITH, outraged, begins advancing on W4.] ZRITH: Geben sie mich der unterst, tzt! Sie sollten mich kennen, esel! W4 : Okay! Okay! ZRITH: Du bist mir *ein* feiner Freund! [W4 hits a button on the remote. ZRITH's eyes cross momentarily.] W4: Did it work? ZRITH: Give me that back! W4 : No. > Save for a armored garment about his waist, a cape and > a grotesque half mask that hid his features, S.D.: Shuten, *no!* > his skin was bare. LYNX: Sounds like your normal Super Bowl fan... > Even from where they stood, TBS : And from where *I* sit... > the three girls could see powerful muscles ripping and awaiting action ZRITH : Muscles ready and waiting, sir! W4 : All right, men. Abdominal Crunch! Hup, two, three, four... > as the body reclined regally. The sight gave them no pleasure and made > Nin-Nin cling to Miko's leg in true fear. TBS : Und how long haff you been afraid of zee bodybuilders, Miko? W4 : Gee, I dunno, doc. Say, where's that nurse of yours? [ZRITH makes a quick grab for the remote, which W4 deflects.] > Next to this imposing figure, almost unnoticed, was a man > of normal size, but still of imposing build. S.D.: And what was he built out of? ALL: Legos! [ALL laugh.] > He stood with arms crossed beside his master, and in further > contrast to the giant's leisure posture, seemed agitated and > impatient as the other laughed. S.D. : It wasn't THAT funny. Jeez. LYNX : They burn! In a furnace! It's just... HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! > "So what is this sorcerer," the giant bellowed, > "more whores for my amusement?" W4 : I thought you were giving me a Playstation 2, instead? TBS : Or a Dreamcast... that's nice, too. > As the man stepped forward to answer, his features took a > more subservient appearance. All of the sex craft VID: If Blizzard makes *that* game, I quit. > ninjas noted at once that not only was this false, but the man > was ready to explode. TBS: DUCK AND COVER! [ALL hide behind their seats.] > Yet he said calmly, "Indeed my Lord. > These are Miroku ninja for your entertainment. The one > with the purple hair is S.D.: If he says Kayura, I'm calling 'incest.' > Miko Mido, S.D.: Good. > daughter of the Shikima Queen." LYNX : I thought she was the Chinese Amazon that couldn't talk right. ZRITH : Wrong anime, my lord. > "Indeed," [S.D. nods, sagely, and hands a microphone to TBS.] TBS : You see! It matters *not* that you are a daughter of the Shikima Queen! Because *we* are the sons... of EEEEEEE-VIIIIIIIIIIL! *HA* HA HA HA HA HAAAAA! [TBS hands the microphone back to S.D..] S.D. : In-DEEEED. [S.D. puts the microphone back on the floor where she found it.] > The giant--the Emperor Shao Kahn, all four corrected-- W4: Yet none of them got a grade higher than D- in Outworld History. > leaned forward, "I see no family resemblance in > her. But the green hared one... TBS: [looks around, confused] Wendy? Where? > Yes, she has much of the whore queen's qualities!" he chuckled at > his own joke. ZRITH: This guy laughs at anything, doesn't he? LYNX: He's his own Ed McMahon. S.D. : TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! I GET IT! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! > "Where's my mother?!" Miko yelled as she stepped forward, > "Give her back now!" ZRITH : Stealers, keepers! TBS : Miko... Miko...I *AM* YOUR MOTHER! BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA! > Kahn stood and stepped to the edge, "Ah, yes. I see it > now, the fire in the eyes. LYNX : Tell me, girl... have you ever heard of eyedrops? > You have done well for once, she will make a fine concubine..." > he turned to the man. VID: Wow. Shao Kahn can make vocal sounds by walking towards the edge of a platform. TBS: And they say Mortal Kombat doesn't require skill. > "Hey! I'm talking to-" Miko yelled as she prepared to throw a star. LYNX: And in the blink of an eye, we go straight from "Mortal Kombat" to "Mickey Mousecapade." [ALL shudder.] > Then she, and the others, jumped out of the way as the > Emperor of Outworld sent a bolt of energy between them > with a contemptuous wave of his hand. W4 : Abra Kadabra! TBS : Abra? Abra? VID : Kadabra? Kadabra? W4 : ...I shouldn't have listened to that Magician Ketchum. > The resulting blast still sent them all reeling. As they recovered, > Kahn conferred with Shang Tsung unhindered. W4 : I really shocked them that time! Shocked! Get it? Hee hee hee... ZRITH : Oh, shut up. > "...Once she learns her place. TBS : Barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen fixin' me a sammich. VID: Shut up, Snot. TBS: I like sammiches. VID: Shut *up*. > But tell me sorcerer: how did she come to be here? LYNX : She flashed a roll of Mentos. We all let her in. I dunno. > My forces still hunt Liu Kang in the waste, yet this girl > and her friends wonder about my palace. VID : I know my troops wonder about it at times, but outsiders like *them*? Unthinkable! > I must come to one of my lesser throne rooms to > receive them?" his hand was suddenly about the wizard's > throat, VID : Cootchie cootchie coo! S.D. : Gasp...err...THIS throne room? Eh heh heh...gasp... TBS : AaaaaaaaaaAAAAHTHECHOKESLAAAAM! > "You dare insult me in such a fashion?!" ZRITH : Well, I could've just told the truth and said, "Hey, how did they get here?", but, then, you would have killed --*urk*! LYNX : Say WHAT?! > "An indulgence for you my Lord!" Tsung explained > hurriedly, "I saw your interest in the Queen and hoped > this would be proper compensation! W4 : You know! A four-for-one deal... TBS : And the furry thing? W4 : ...an extra? > My spies reported her arrival and gave her escort and entry to > the palace! I knew that you would want the pleasure of taking > her unharmed!" TBS : I was only following orders! I don't recall! My dog ate my homework! > Kahn released the sorcerer, sent him stumbling back. "A > most poor explanation, but I will excuse it... for now." VID : However, the 200-page report on the Code of Hammurabi is still due at five this afternoon. TBS : CRAP! VID : Hehehe... I love being evil. > he turned back to Miko and her group, "This is the > hallmark of a great victory Shang Tsung, it must be > celebrated properly... Whores! Entertain me!" S.D. : You didn't say "Simon says." > "We aren't whores you fucking ape!" Fubuki bellowed. S.D. : We, sir, are *sluts*. LYNX : Yeah! Sluts! > Leapt to a wall and launched herself to rebound at the ledge > with a sickle weighted chain in hand. LYNX: That's one WNBA player you *don't* want to steal from. VID: Failed English by forgetting when you use commas instead of periods. Failed again for starting sentences with past tense verbs. > As she was midway W4: And aren't *they* tearing out their hair over this one? > through her second jump however, and as Yaku made to copy > her friend, VID : But alas, she could not, for the machine had run out of toner. > a shadow erupted from the darkness and intercepted Fubuki. W4: INTERCEPTION! > A knee fired into her midsection and she curled around it. W4: Y'know, they really should enforce seven-day waiting periods for those. ZRITH: Woof, Woof, Woof... knees don't crush peoples' midsections. *People* crush peoples' midsections. W4: He should at least have a license for it. > Then as she hung in mid-air for a fraction of a second, LYNX: Guest director for this sequence, Guy Ritchie. > the wind knocked out of her, TBS: Hey! She's any given character in a "Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat" action sequence! > a hard blow to her back sent the girl crashing to the ground. VID: Shao Kahn knows the Flower Hurricane? [scratches head] > "Fubuki-chan!" Yaku screamed as she looked on in horror. > Missed the flash of yellow suddenly by her side. TBS: BIG BIRD! NOOOOOOOO! > An elbow caught her in the kidney and sent her tumbling close > to Fubuki. Trembling with pain, she leaned on her good side. VID : Ma'am, I don't *own* a good side! If you loan me one, I'll pivot! > Miko's wave of stars were already flying to Shao Kahn LYNX: Swift attack! W4: I suppose that makes the chamber a THROWN room now. [ZRITH reaches for the remote and realizes he doesn't have it.] ZRITH : Shut up. > even as the shock of seeing her friends beaten so easily took > hold of her. It deepened still further as the Emperor > caught the projectiles in his naked palm. VID: Hah! That move doesn't work on ghosts! LYNX : What? No green clovers? No purple horseshoes? No red balloons? THIS IS A GYP! > Crushed them as if dry leaves. TBS : Sentence-fragment. S.D. : "Sentence fragment" is also a sentence fragment. [TBS pauses and his eyes shift from side to side.] TBS : Lingual-must-shut-down-to-conserve-battery-power. > "Pathetic..." the Emperor commented letting bits of metal > clatter to the floor. "I hope your skills in bed are better." ZRITH: She's not that kinky. > Two figures stood in the arena--for that's exactly what > the room was--with them now. TBS: ...even though it was mentioned that this is a friggin' *throne* room. VID: By that logic, if the room was filled with airline pilots, it'd be a hangar. > Both men were dressed in > padded ninja armor, one colored yellow, the other blue. S.D.: No... _Power Rangers: The Movie_... urge to kill... rising... > "Scorpion and Sub-zero," Kahn announced, "my best warriors > when not at each other's throats. ZRITH : And when ignoring canon. > They will entertain your friends." W4 : They do magic tricks, party games, and country music. They're available for birthday parties, weddings, and bar mitzvahs. LYNX : ...kill me... > "Damn cheap-shots!" Fubuki cursed TBS : You may have won this round! > as she struggled to her feet and Yaku did the same, already > recovered from her attack. Both fell into fighting stances, S.D.: *FWUMP* ZRITH: They've fallen, and they can't get up. TBS: Can they, perhaps, trip like I do? > "Lets see how you do now!" > > Shao Kahn chuckled, "A ninja complaining of sneak attacks? How amusing. ZRITH : Red, hurry... LYNX : Try and stop me! Yahahahaha! > Humiliate them, then turn them over to a brothel or some such. TBS : We don't want any overdue charges. > The proper place for whores. S.D. : Oh. Working for Hooters, then. ZRITH : Well, pretty much. > And as for you my royal bitch ..." his midsection was suddenly in > Miko's face. VID : CLEAN MY BELLY BUTTON! > "It's time for your first lesson in > obedience." His fist came at her belly. TBS: Ha! Her Cotton Belly can stop any blow! > The blow sent her rebounding against a wall. S.D. : Wing Chun Fist! TBS : Noooo! > "Miko!!" Fubuki and Yaku screamed as one. Fubuki went to > help and slipped on a sheet of ice that was suddenly > underfoot. LYNX : On any other day this might seem funnnnyyyy... > She skidded towards Sub-zero. Yaku spared a > glance at the ronin ninja... W4 : Robert Deniro? > "GET OVER HERE!!" LYNX : But I don't want t-- TBS : GODDAMNIT, JUST DO IT! LYNX : Okay, then. Sheesh... > Something grabbed at her throat and yanked her sailing W4 : Sailing, sailing over the bounty main, where many a stormy wind shall blow and Jack will come again! > right at another of Scorpion's elbows. > > "I doubt there will be much left of your friends when they > are done with them." Kahn noted as he walked over to Miko > and picked her up by her hair, "But my soldiers have > gotten less." [ALL blink.] ZRITH : Wow. Not even *I* get that joke. > "L-Let go... of my... mother..." Miko gasped with a fire > in her stomach. TBS: Sheesh. They haven't even done anything yet. > "Poor little bitch... still crying for your mother? I > see-" his head turned as his free hand caught a sickle > blade. S.D. : Hey! You kids stop that! You'll put someone's eye out! > "Put Miko-sama down!" Nin-Nin pulled against the chain, > rage was on the imp's mask. LYNX: *There's* a brand that you won't find at Wal-Mart. > "Do not worry little one," Kahn actually grinned, "I even > have a partner for you... Sheeva!" W4: Oh, great. The Sheeva animation *again*. ZRITH: He could've at least summoned Cactuar. > As the little ninja made ready for a new attack, the > ground underneath him shook as a great impact crashed > behind him. Suddenly, two-toed feet where at either side > of him, they connected to muscled calfs, thick thighs > and... TBS : A brand new car! ALL: YAAAAAAAY! > Even in this situation, his little wee-wee [ALL blink] S.D. : ...wee-wee? VID: Oni *is* PJ. W4 : My ding-a-ling! I want you to play with-- [ZRITH begins grabbing for the remote, which W4 continues to keep away from him.] > couldn't help but get somewhat erect. VID: At which point, *everyone* in the room stopped what they were doing and gave him a stomping! S.D., LYNX: Hooray! > The four armed giantess looked down at him with contempt as he stared > at her red leotard covered crotch. TBS : Psst... uh... camel toe. S.D. : Oh, for Christ's sakes! > "You insult me my Emperor, this is nothing!" she growled. S.D. : I mean... a leotard? Jeez! Can't I at least get a body suit? Or maybe a nice cape and-- > "Consider it a punishment for your husband's failure." TBS : No new clothes until you kill something! > He tossed Miko against the wall again as she produced a > weapon. Changed his hold to around her slender neck, "If > you wish to take his place, then remove that flea!" He > turned his head as a dagger fell from the girl's hand. "I > have a new pet to train and don't need the distraction." LYNX : Just send her to haul water! It'll raise her Strength! > Snarling, Sheeva's raised a foot and brought it where > Nin-Nin would have been. He then nearly missed a sweep VID: But the Red Wings still prevailed, continuing on to the Stanley Cup finals. MMK.o.D. : Dream on. VID: No, *you* live in Winnipeg. *You* dream on. MMK.o.D. : Well, that's where your little argument helps me. You see, after the Jets broke up I began following the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Quebec Nordiques. VID: Ha! MMK, you fool, the Nordiques are the Colorado... Avalanche... now... [Snickering is audible over the intercom.] VID: Shut up! They won't win *next* year! MMK.o.D. : Well, no. The Leafs will. VID: Hey! MMK.o.D. : I do so like the Leafs. GUNTER : Ha! Morons! Devils *all the way*, baby! MMK.o.D. : Well, yes, that's what happened last year. Until, you know, they lost to the Quebec Nordiques. GUNTER , VID: Shut up! MMK.o.D. : Heh heh. TBS: ...hey, look! There's a movie on! ZRITH, VID: Shut up, Snot! > of her leather tanned spotted arm and follow through of the > second on the same side. With a chain of narrow escapes, VID: --quite popular with Resident Evil fans-- > a chase was underway. TBS : Missed me! Missed me! Now you gotta kiss me! LYNX : Why you... > As Miko watched with watery eyes, W4: Hey, it's a family thing! LYNX: Those Mido people sure have large tear ducts. > Nin-Nin ran for his life, Fubuki blocked a series of blows only > to miss the one that counted, and Yaku was being knocked around > like a rag doll. S.D.: It's because she's scared of Sergio. > She looked into Kahn's skull mask and saw the > eyes underneath glowing with evil glee at her pain. W4 : Oh, how I love being eeeeee-fil! > "O...Okasan..." she whimpered. S.D.: Where does her aunt come into this? > "Your mother is dead!" Kahn spat, "her soul is shattered! LYNX : Her ship is sailed! Her goose is cooked! Her oil is low! > And with her oblivion, your father and his kingdom are mine! You > are mine!" ZRITH : This chair is mine! This cup is mine! Those tapestries are mine! It's all mine! MINE! MINE! MINE! GIMME GIMME GIMME! TBS : Aaand...oh. Shao Kahn. Hmm...nothing for *him* this year... > He dropped her, caught her against the face with an open palm as she > fell and sent her sailing. She skidded to a stop on the ground. > > She just lay there, let his words beat her as did his hands. LYNX: Whoa. The saying is wrong. Words WILL hurt you. S.D.: Well, yeah. Just look at 'Nerima By Night'. > Was what he was saying the truth she asked herself. > Was mother dead? She had felt her in her soul, was warmed > by her love. But had she misunderstood? Was what she felt > her mother passing on? VID: And what happened with Daisy and her grandkids, anyway? S.D.: And just where did 'Rover' the mystical dog-companion run off to? > Shao Kahn was strong, stronger than possibly even father. Kahn had had > Miko's mother for a long time, she herself had seen the ruin he caused. TBS: He returned video tapes and deliberately didn't rewind them. ZRITH: He removed the tags from mattresses. W4: He swam five minutes after eating. LYNX: He mixed Regular and Diet. > He destroyed worlds. Realities. ZRITH: The part of Shao Kahn will be played by Randall Dowling. > What was one life to him? VID: About a hundred coins, usually. > "Okasan..." > > "Amuse me bitch!..." The warlord bellowed, "Or join her!!" S.D. : Why did the chicken cross the road? [TBS giggles helplessly.] > ****** > > The normally reserved Shang Tsung ZRITH: That's a bit harsh. They let him play quarter-back most games. > sprinted down the hallway towards the torture chamber where the Shikima > Queen was being consumed. W4: It's not enough to just listen to Queen anymore. It's got to be consumed. TBS: I know what you mean. It used to be that one could derive aesthetic joy from a Freddie Mercury song, but now the hype and marketing has just taken it over. VID: What are you two babbling about? W4 : I like to ride my SHIkiMA Queen! I like to ride her-- [ZRITH wrestles the remote away from W4 and, mercifully, hits the mute button. W4 snaps his fingers in an "Aw, shucks" motion.] > He had to act now that the Emperor was having his fun. S.D: This was his last chance to get a free set of steak knives with his order! LYNX : Mwahahaha! Soon, the George Foreman Lean Mean Grilling Machine will be ALL MINE! > It wouldn't be long till he was missed. ZRITH: Awwwww. LYNX : Oh where, oh where has my traitorous bastard gone? Oh where, oh where can be be? > The sorcerer had counted on Liu Kang to distract the fool, LYNX: There's an image: Shao Kahn, in the Waite tarot, walking off the edge of a cliff. TBS: With Nin-Nin doing something to his ass. W4 : I don't know what it *is*, but he's *definitely* doin' *something* to *his ass*. LYNX: I could have, you know, *left out* that part. > but he was lost in the wastelands. Shang grimaced: he > couldn't count on his most hated of enemies for the > simplest of things! VID: ... and you're surprised by this *why*? ZRITH: Ha, ha! That Liu Kang! What a crazy guy! TBS : Please tie my shoes buddy! Pretty please? LYNX : Ha. No. > The sight of the Miroku witches had been a compete surprise to him. W4 : Well, not REALLY... > It had been pure luck, and an intercepted messenger who he had killed, W4: So not 'pure luck' so much as 'premeditated homicide,' then. TBS : Things to do: Walk dog, go shopping, take over Outworld, kill the messenger. > that had alerted him to their presence before his master. The effort > he had made to make it look like he was presenting hearded cows had > stressed him to the limit, VID : And don't EVEN get me started on trying to find three cow suits around here... S.D.: Anyone else having a _Top Secret_ flashback? W4 : Get along, li'l sex ninjas, get along li'l... > and he was tempted to stay around and watch the young women take > their beating. TBS: Note the sexual innuendo. ZRITH: There's no sexual innuendo. TBS: There isn't? > But then he would have been next. W4 : SPEAR! JACKHAMMER! RAAAARH! > Though a fool, Shao Kahn was far from stupid! LYNX: ... so, you're saying he's not *really* a fool... W4: Look, the more you think about it, the less sense it's going to make. S.D. : Extended warranty? How can I lose? ZRITH : Scratch that. Shao Kahn was dumber than dirt. > Kang had not made it past the portal boundaries, yet those > sluts were all but taking a guided tour? Impossible!! W4: Two words: Im-possible! TBS: That's one word. [W4 looks at TBS blankly.] S.D. : ...And then you'll kill several guards, get molested a bunch of times, and be handed a humilating defeat by Shao Kahn's minions. Oh, I'm sorry, but due to lack of imagination on part of our author, we were forced to cut the guided tour. > The chamber doors lay just ahead and he smiled. VID: The sweater was blue it's raining outside I'm hungry. W4: ...It's almost as bad as switching topics halfway through a sentence I like cheese. [ZRITH takes a deep breath, and slowly exhales.] > If his plan had worked as planned, Tsung's treachery wouldn't > have been discovered until the aftermath of a battle > between Kang and Kahn. S.D. : KAAAHHHHNNNN! TBS: Whoa. Easy there. > The distraction was needed to mask the missing energies of > the Shikima heart as it failed to merge with Outworld. LYNX: So the Shikima heart will go on and on? VID : Dude... where's my heart? > This chamber was not linked to Shao Kahn's other furnace rooms and was > the sorcerer's greatest secret. The woman was long dead now and the > heart waiting to be taken. LYNX: Oh, so Shao Kahn's a little Shikima heart taker and heart breaker instead. TBS: Contrary to popular belief, the fastest way to a woman's heart is *not* through her stomach. MMK.o.D : Which is not connected to the vagina. TBS and VID: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! VID: Don't *do* that! TBS: Hey, that *is* a spooky voice. MMK.o.D. : Hee hee hee. > The doors didn't open fast enough for his liking, and he struck out > at them. S.D. : Why did you knock the front door down? LYNX : It was being insolent. > Wailing in protest as well as their constant pain, W4 : One door leads to the center of the labyrinth-- TBS : And the other door leads to-- W4, TBS : CERTAIN DEATH! LYNX: Are you certain? > they flew apart. He strode in. > > And froze at sight before him. LYNX : MY OWN McDONALD'S! W4: Hey, I just. Noticed that he's doing. The sentence thing again. > The furnace was dead in the truest sense: it was a pile of spent ash. W4: The furnace! It BURNED TO DEATH! That's FUNNY! That's IRONY! IT WAS-- ZRITH : Melted to a crisp. W4: Aww. > The spell eunuchs were also dead though that > was of no consequence: most died after a single casting. > They were easily replaceable. ZRITH: Cast all you want; we'll make more. > It was the sight of one of Kahn's death squads laying about the room > that gave him pause. VID: Looks like the 'death squad' misinterpreted their job description. S.D.: Kind of like the suicide squad from Life of Brian. > The fact that all were bloody lifeless heaps on the floor was only a > bigger shock. S.D.: It wasn't the blood that shocked him. It was the blatantly fake way it sprayed over half the room. LYNX: Look, so you didn't like Ninja Scroll. S.D.: Vampire Hunter D. LYNX: Whatever. > He thought quickly, rushing for the furnace's remains. LYNX: Tsung, dude, your copy of Tattoo World is long gone. Just let it go, man. TBS : No man, it's not that... I'm fairly certain Shao left a Playboy in here somewhere... > If Kahn had found him out, this would be his way: wait till > the sorcerer was at his most confidant, then take it all away. S.D: Or not. He's *that* evil. > The squad would slow him down, long enough for > others to move against him and steal his prize. But he had > planned too carefully, taken all the needed precautions. W4 : See, I *meant* to walk in here and find all the guards dead! Yeaaaaah! *That*'s the ticket! > Besides, all were dead. LYNX: Consider: these were men; they had 'lives,' 'dreams,' ambitions. And now they are corpses: Their bodies still exist. But to what aim? Do corpses hope? Who wants these bodies, this offal, now? No; just more existence, cluttering up an already cluttered world. [Pause] TBS: What's offal? LYNX: I dunno. > If this was Liu Kang's work, the Guardian of the Light was > his equal in evil: W4: Oh, for crying out quiet! TBS: What? W4: I misplaced my guide on military intelligence again for the first time. TBS: Hmm, is it not under your chair? W4: Yes, I didn't check there. > using women as a distraction, sacrificing them to Kahn's whims as > he stole in here and took the gem. TBS: And he always takes up two parking spaces. > Coming upon Kahn's men and killing them before making well his escape. S.D.: Not wiping his feet on the welcome mat. LYNX: Drinking straight from the carton. VID: Dating your girlfriend's mother. > Nonsense Tsung thought. ZRITH : I like caterpillars! My nose is made of crystals! Iron donkeys make sweaters tingly! W4 : Some dinosaurs ate meat! While others ate gravy! W4 , TBS , LYNX , MMK.o.D. , GUNTER : You're welcome! ZRITH: ...Jesus *Christ*. VID: Hey! ZRITH: Sorry. > Even if that were true, there was no way into the room save the doors. S.D.: Teleport *outside* the doors and break in. Is it *that* hard? > None could enter or leave the sealed and warded room unless he allowed it. VID : I'll allow it! ZRITH: ...and then there's Gordon Freeman. What he would do is kill the guards, run around the entire building, collect a lot of ammo, break into the air ducts, sneak into the teleportation labs, transport to Liu Kang's hideout, ask *Kang* to transport him into the chamber, and then steal the gem. W4 <^_^ing>: ...and you didn't even outline his escape! > Not even Kahn. Anyone teleporting in, even if they past the > wards, would die horribly. And Indeed, that had seemed the > case with these fools. TBS : Poor dead telefragged bastards. ZRITH: Yes, story, it's been a whole twelve lines, we might have forgotten about the guards being dead by now... > Kahn had other wizards, none Shang's equal, which is why the Emperor > returned him from the Nether realm after his failure in Mortal Combat. ZRITH: But not Mortal Kombat. S.D.: If he failed in mortal combat, wouldn't he be dead? > But not after an all too long taste of true hell. S.D. : Needs catsup. > One of those braggarts must have made the attempt. LYNX: Damn Democrats! > The backblast from Shang's protective spells would have killed > the caster as well as transportees. That would explain why > he had yet to be set upon by more guards: such a foolish > wizard would be in charge of the attack. W4 : I cast AMUT! ZRITH : Newbie. > His men would be in disarray at his death. But could the invading > spell have corrupted the wards about the furnace itself, however > improbable? If that were true, the Shikima heart could have been > destroyed along with it! S.D: And during all this time, Maria's saying, "I am stone wall. Move along." TBS : Hey, naked lady! Could you pipe down? You're stepping on my internal monologue! > "NO!!!" He screamed and dived into the pile of ash. VID: I won't watch any more Marmalade Boy! I won't! > Scampered in the dry muck on all fours like the desperate > creature he was. TBS: JUNGLE BOOGIE! W4: Chicka-wow-wow, chicka-wow-wow. TBS: JUNGLE BOOGIE! W4: Getting down and busy now. > He had done all this, and now all his plans were for naught? ZRITH: Or for naughty? > "Where is it!?" he cried as he tossed up plumes of dust searching, > "Where is the heart!?!" VID: Under the floorboards. S.D.: You have to find his Chamber and run into the fireball room. The pedestal's all the way on the other side of Bright Crucible, though. LYNX: Little does Shang Tsung know that it's actually the wooden sleigh the queen had when she was a little girl. > "Right where it belongs..." a woman's voice said with > loathing, "And I see you found your place too... wallowing > in shit!" ZRITH : They're *ashes*, you stupid whore! Stop laughing! VID : Look, dammit, I don't care what Mileena says, I'm not into that! LYNX: C'mon, lady. The friggin' bathroom's down the hall, to the left. > The Shikima Queen more than managed to look menacing in > her nakedness from where she stood, katana in hand and > ready to strike. VID: Aaah! She's naked! And scary! LYNX : She's got BOOBIES! RUN! > "Impossible..." the sorcerer muttered covered in filth and > on his knees, "No one has ever escaped a Soul Furnace. ZRITH: It can't BE! You're invisiBLE! VID: Um, excuse me, but she's STANDING RIGHT THERE, MEATHEAD! > Not even me..." W4 : You're in SERIOUS TROUBLE, YOUNG LADY! Dealing drugs will get you KILLED! And *I* know because I WAS... killed... once. > "Then let me send you to hell and see if you return monster..." S.D.: Return monster only void in Vermont and Maine. ZRITH: Some restrictions apply. VID: See stasis-tube crate for details. > the sword swung at his neck. > The simplest of gestures shattered the blade. LYNX : ...aw, for *fuck's sakes*. ZRITH : Behold the power of ME GIVING YOU THE FINGER! LYNX : I spent *ten minutes* thinking that speech up, you dick. > Another sent Maria flying. TBS: Blast schtick! S.D: But Maria's got Signature Weapon: Nekkid. > Utter, desolate shock shown under the ash > that covered Tsung's face. "No thank you... I've been many > a time there already..." S.D.: No, no, it's, "Been there, done that, got the fucking T-shirt. Your turn." VID: Uh... is mild boredom really the emotion you were going for with Shang Tsung here, author? ZRITH : Been to Hell and back. Got the pictures to prove it. > They stood at the same time, then Maria made to attack him > again. VID: But Tsung took her leg and twisted it up like silly putty! ZRITH: The fact that it was fine in a couple of seconds wasn't the issue. > A wave of arcane fire from Shang Tsung's > outstretched hand met her half way and haltered her. VID: Oh, now *come on*-- [A large cannon suddenly pops out of the wall and belches a cloud of fire on VID. The fire dissipates instantly to reveal VID wearing a halter top on top of his Ohio State jacket. VID looks down in stunned silence.] TBS: Heh. Vid got haltered. VID: Shut up! [VID stands up and begins struggling out of the top.] W4: You know, there's probably a lesson in this. VID : I said *shut up*! [VID finally succeeds in getting the top off himself.] VID : Ha! *There*! [An elephant falls on VID. VID whines. The elephant is retrieved and VID returns to his seat with a look of bitterness on his face.] > Maria stood her ground as it washed over her body. "What is > this?" LYNX : It's a halter top. All that bouncing looked painful. VID : Shut up. > Tsung asked her in a hush, "Who are you to do this to me?" W4 : How *dare* you duck when I throw things at you! > wisps of lightning crackled from his finger tips > as the fire continued to pour out, lashed at the woman's > naked body. TBS: Oh, it's turning into *that* kind of fic, isn't it? > His voice grew louder. "I have lived for thousands of years! I > have feasted on the souls of untold warriors! LYNX : I'm really bad! Really, really, really! I am I am I am! MOMMY! WAAAAAAH! TBS: Yes, yes, you're Charles Foster Kane, we know. W4: La Blue Girl meets Mortal Kombat: the Movie! Now casting; inquire within. > Unlimited power, power that is mine by right, > that is at last within my reach, and you dare to ruin my > accession to godhood?!" TBS: Dialogue by Rob Liefeld. W4 : I am damn unsatisfied to be insulted in this manner. > He suddenly bellowed, "You worthless whore!!" S.D. : Live your life in disgrace! Go! Whore! Your life's a lie! LYNX : Jeez, it's bad enough that you burn me with eldritch fire, it's bad enough you use corny dialogue, but insults are just going *too* *far*. > Maria slowly stood erect within the fire, took the lash > strikes without flenching. "I, you abomination, am life, > love and everything you wish to control or destroy." TBS: Pop tarts? VID : I am SAILOR MOON! ZRITH : I am DISNEY! > She met his gaze, and suddenly his rage faltered, "You say you > have lived for millennia? In a place such as this, what > know you of life? W4 : I know that a cell dies if it's surrounded by less than two or more than four other cells-- TBS : Wrong life. W4 : Oh. Then I know that Mikey likes it. TBS : Wrong again. W4 : Oh. Then I know that it's a board game with a spinner-- TBS : Nope. W4 : Magazine? TBS : Uh-uh. W4 : You're right. Oh, well. Want some more Hellfire? > You have fed upon souls? ZRITH: You've never once had an Arby's roast beef sandwich! > Where is your own? You say you are power?" her will reached out > and shattered his spells with the slightest of pressures. "You > are nothing!" S.D. : You're the same loser that you were before! And nothing more! > She walked towards him, and Shang Tsung found himself > stepping away. "If you and your master spend an eternity > in hell for each life you've taken, VID : ...your meat bills would be enormous! > perverted, it won't be enough to atone for your sins! S.D. : I've got an idea that will please everybody. ZRITH : What's that? S.D. : Hang 'em all. > But before I send you back to where you truly belong, I want you to > know just how insignificant you truly are!" LYNX : You're a tiny speck, about the size of Mickey Rooney! > He was against a wall with her face close to his. Eyes simmering > hatred, her hand reached down and caressed his crotch. TBS : ONE CENTIMETER? That's pretty damn insignificant! W4 : Shut up! I've got some shrinkage right now! ZRITH: *Guys*... S.D.: It's better than thirteen...inches... [twitches] > And to his horror...he got hard! TBS : Good Lord! And all these years I thought I was gay! ZRITH: Not that there's anything wrong with that. W4: Ann Landers, would you *please* shut your mouth already. [ZRITH swings the remote to point at W4 and W4 grabs it out of his hands.] W4: Yoink! ZRITH: HEY! > "I want you to know the power of this 'whore'..." VID : I will show you the power of the *Slutty* Side of the Force! > In his barely restrained terror, a desperate through came to Tsung's mind. W4 : I'm gonna score. Dude. > He half grinned with an effort. "S...So this is what a mother does as > her child dies..." VID: She then balled her hand into a fist. ZRITH : Just kidding! > Her body froze. "What..." W4 : --what WHAT? LYNX : ... what? Mothers don't usually give evil sorcerors handjobs as their children die? Why didn't anybody *tell* me this?! VID : For one thing, I don't think that you needed to know. > Shang's smile grew slowly from ear to ear, "Your child woman. ZRITH : Oh. [A beat.] ZRITH : My *what*? > Miko. She is here. Surely with your power you can > feel her?" He leaned close. "Concentrate. Feel her pain? LYNX : You mean like THIS pain? ZRITH : Something like that. Yeah. > Even now the Emperor Shao Kahn's having his fun with her. > And from what I understand, he's a very hard lover..." W4: ... Shang, buddy, I *don't* want to know how you found this out. TBS: How else? The hard way! [^_^s] W4: ... see, that's exactly what I didn't want to know. > Her hold over him shattered and she turned away. "MIKO!!" S.D. : I'm kinda busy right now... > His power lashed out and sent her reeling to the floor. As she > crumpled into a ball, W4: She's gonna drop a bomb! Move! > he hit her again and again with waves of black energy. To his joy, > she wept her daughter's name. LYNX: Instead of doing something useful. Cause she's, y'know, a woman. S.D.: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and perverts are from Outworld. > He tore off his shirt and the souls he held in thrall poured out. VID : ...oops. [falls over] LYNX : How did THOSE get there? TBS : OooooOH yeah! This is a LOT easier than collecting bottle caps! > Shades of warriors long dead grabbed at the woman's arms and legs > and pulled them apart. She lay spread eagle before him and he laughed. S.D. : Time to make a wish! > "So, that is a whore's power? LYNX: To make twenty dollars an hour for unskilled work? Yeah, pretty much. > I must admit, I am impressed! I have underestimated you for far > too long! It's time I correct that mistake, and gain the power > I need to best Shao Kahn! But don't worry, barren whore, LYNX: ... but if she's barren then what about her daughter and the-- ZRITH: You're thinking about this again. > you're going to like this!" TBS : With one centimeter? I doubt it! W4 : I *said* there was shrinkage, woman! > He opened his pants, and more bound souls spilled out. TBS : Are those lost souls in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? W4 : Oh... My... Your souls are so...*bound*... > They hovered over her as if taking in a feast, then dived into her > through her sex. ZRITH : CANNONBALL! > Maria's body spasmed and she screamed at the penetration. TBS: I've heard of getting eaten out, but *this* is *ridiculous*! ZING! [VID thwaps him on the back of the head.] TBS: Ow. > Shang Tsung's laughter mixed with her pain as his head shot skyward. LYNX: Rock-'em-Sock-'em Shang Tsungs. Oh joy. > And then, snapping back to look at his latest prize he bellowed, TBS: RED LIGHT SPECIAL! AISLE THREE! LYNX: IT'S A CHARMANDER, YOU IGNORANT FUCK! VID: TROUPE! ABOUT FACE! W4: HEY EVERYBODY, IT'S ALL YOU CAN EAT NIGHT AT MARIA'S! > "YOUR SOUL IS MINE!!" TBS: Close. LYNX: I want bonus points for a non-sequitur. VID: Fair enough. W4 : I still think I should have had it. [The doors open, allowing everyone to exit.] ======== [The group is outside the theater. All the while, VID, TBS, and ZRITH are searching through the concessions stand conveniently placed in the center. They are not especially happy.] ZRITH: I am not especially happy. VID: Well, I dunno. I think MMK and Gav knew what they were doing. They wanted to give back some of the hurt they suffered. ZRITH: But... but... Mexican candy? [LYNX and S.D. walk on.] LYNX: This Tamarind really sucks. S.D.: I think you're supposed to take the wrapper off first. LYNX: Would that improve the taste? S.D.: I dunno. Never touched the stuff. Is that creme-filled toast? VID: Don't touch that. It's been standing around a while. ZRITH: I'm surprised it hasn't crawled away yet. [TBS jumps out from the pile holding what looks like a chocolate man.] TBS: Wow! I only heard rumors about this! LYNX: What IS that? TBS: It's the Nestle Easter Special Jesus Bar with Stigmata action! There's only five hundred of its kind! ZRITH: Stigmata? [TBS takes a big bite from the figure's side. Raspberry syrup oozes from the bitemark, as well as the hands and feet.] TBS: Mmmmm-MMMMM! Sacrilicious! VID: Great, Snot. Now you've given me another reason to kill you and your entire family. TBS: You sure you don't want a bite? VID: NO! S.D.: Say, has anyone seen W4 anywhere? LYNX: The bot? I think he was searching for a place to clean out his connectors. TBS: His what? VID: Bathroom. TBS: Oh. LYNX: I'll look for him. S.D.? S.D.: Might as well. TBS : Just a bit! You'll like it! VID : No! Git! [LYNX and S.D. go off. While the group searches for something vaguely edible, we hear a scream. W4 runs full steam into the lobby.] W4: Guys! Guys! It... it... VID : Hi, W4. ZRITH: Jarritos soda, W4? W4: No, no! I was... they... it... TBS: Dude, the bathrooms are just around the corner. You just needed to... W4: I'm serious, man! They came... I saw... LOOK! [The group turns just in time to see a small group of palette-swapped MK ninjas saunter into the room.] ALL: Ooh. SCORPION: My brothers! We seem to have come across the denizens of this vaguely large entertainment complex. SUB-ZERO: They do not look particularly threatening. SCORPION: But what about the one who has a gun? [The group looks at VID, who smiles.] REPTILE: He does not look like Bernie Stolar. SCORPION: Rain, you fool! You said this was downtown Seattle! RAIN: Maybe I underestimated the map, brother. ERMAC: KILL HIM! KILL HIM! SUB-ZERO: NO, Ermac! Violence is not the answer! REPTILE: It isn't? ZRITH: Erm...excuse me... [The group of ninjas stop arguing and turn to ZRITH.] ZRITH: I'm sorry I have to butt in, but what are you doing here? [There is silence. The ninjas look around.] SMOKE: I do not remember. SCORPION: We have been travelling for miles, and we are still undecided if our mission was to assassinate Bernie Stolar or go around to Vermont to get copious amounts of ice cream. SUB-ZERO: Yes, it was equally divided between the two. Yet we have no Bernie or ice cream. So, we are saddened. [The NINJAS sigh.] TBS: You guys want a Jesus Bar? [The ninjas perk up.] SCORPION: Yes! We would enjoy a Jesus Bar! NINJAS: YAAAAAAAAAAAY! TBS: But I only have one. [The ninjas pause.] SUB-ZERO: How do we rectify the situation so all of us will be satisfied? ERMAC: KILL HIM! KILL HIM! SCORPION: Ermac, violence is not the answer. REPTILE: How about we seperate it in equal portions? SUB-ZERO: YES! Division and rationing shall provide the answer! NINJAS: YAAAAAAAAAAAY! [The ninjas divide up the Jesus Bar among themselves.] VID: Excuse me. Mister Scorpion? SCORPION: You speak, fellow citizen? VID: Yes. I was wondering. Since you don't know your mission, would it be possible to set up a new one? [A pause.] SCORPION: Fellow brethren? ERMAC: KILL HIM! SCORPION: It is a yes or no answer, weenie. ERMAC: Well, which one allows us to kill him? SCORPION: None of them. ERMAC: I abstain then. SUB-ZERO: I say we hear this new mission so we gain purpose. SCORPION: Well spoken, colleague! We accept a new mission and forget about Bernie Stolar and the ice cream! RAIN: But I was looking forward to the ice cream. SUB-ZERO: We will get pints on the drive back! NINJA: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! [By this time, LYNX and S.D. come back. They blink.] LYNX: What the hell is this? SUB-ZERO: Zounds! REPTILE: Zounds! SMOKE: ZOUNDS! It is females! SCORPION: Calm down! We have seen females before! Remember Sheeva? NINJAS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! SCORPION: Okay. Bad example. [to VID] Now, sir, if you would give us-- SUB-ZERO: What about the females? I am nervous! ERMAC: KILL THEM! SUB-ZERO: Ermac, you know better than... RANDOM NINJA: Cover them in whipped cream and eat them! [A shocked silence.] SCORPION: RIGHT! Who said that?! [The ninjas point at a small brown-clad ninja in the back. He comes forward ashamedly.) SCORPION: What is your name, ill-mannered one? BOB: Bob, sir. SCORPION: Bob, you have dishonored our clan with your sexist remarks. Go and apologize. BOB: Yes, sir. [walks over to LYNX and S.D.] I apologize for the whipped cream remark. It was foolish of me. Besides, you're not that good looking. [S.D. and LYNX look at each other and smile evilly.] VID: Um... let's take my proposal over by the ticket stand. SUB-ZERO: Agreed. [The ninjas and the MOT group walk off as LYNX and S.D. start wailing on the brown ninja.] TBS: We'll be back after a quick product placement. ======== [SCENE: a living room in suburban America. Two anime women are sitting on a couch, having a conversation, as we fade in. They will be referred to as ANIME MOM and ANIME GIRL, respectively.] ANIME GIRL : Mom? ANIME MOM: Yes, dear. ANIME GIRL : Do you ever get that... "not so fresh" feeling? ANIME MOM: Oh, yes. All the time, in fact. That's why I use-- ANIME GIRL: Well, how about that "way too moist" feeling? ANIME MOM: Excuse me? ANIME GIRL: And what's up with that "soaking my pants" feeling? ANIME MOM: Oh. Oh, dear. [ANIME SPOKESMODEL steps in front of them, holding a box.] ANIME SPOKESMODEL : Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever had a typical reaction to sexual stimuli that's just gotten completely out of control? We can help. [She holds up a box of "Sorbiderm."] ASM: That's where we come in--no pun intended. Sorbiderm Panty Liners can help absorb unwanted, unneeded, and unwarranted moisture. [Someone pours that strange blue stuff onto a maxipad, then moves to the right and repeats the process with a "super-absorbant" maxipad. Both absorb the weird blue stuff fairly well.] ASM : Sorbiderm Panty Liners are over *five thousand times* as absorbent as our leading competitor. [The same mysterious hands produce a Sorbiderm. The Panty Liners resemble an ordinary pair of bikini panties, although they're made out of triple-ply cotton and have the texture of paper towels. [The hands toss a Sorbiderm into a nearby ten-gallon tank full of weird blue stuff. The tank empties almost immediately, while the Sorbiderm becomes blue and swollen with moisture. A handy bit of text tells us that this has happened in real time.] ASM : Sorbiderm Panty Liners can comfortably absorb more fluid than the human body is capable of holding, and still remain moderately comfortable.* *[In small text: personal definition of "moderately comfortable" may vary.] [Back in the living room, ANIME MOM has handed ANIME GIRL a box of Sorbiderms.] ANIME MOM: Here, honey. These should take care of your... little "problem." ANIME GIRL: Wow! Thanks, Mom! ANIME MOM: Don't mention it. Don't mention it *ever again*. [They beam at the camera, and ANIME GIRL holds the package of Sorbiderms towards the viewer. ANIME MOM shudders.] ANNOUNCER : Sorbiderms. Your Cup Needeth Never Runneth Over Again. ======== [We return to the theater. The ninjas are gone except for Scorpion, who is listening to VID, and the brown ninja, who is now an unrecognizable hunk of flesh.] VID: ...and as soon as you deliver the message, tell them to get over here and bust the door open. They can decide what to do with MMK and Gavok later. SCORPION: A cunning plan. I will tell the ninjas and will depart on our sacred mission. [pauses] But one thing. Where do we find this so-called A.o.D.? TBS: Check the Bleeding Basilisk on Harvey Avenue. That's his new coffee shop. SCORPION: Do they serve espresso? VID:I dunno. Just get him. Time is something we don't have. SCORPION: Very well! I shall depart and we will get the strike team you requested posthaste! Do not doubt our courage, for-- W4: Shut up and go. SCORPION: I am going. [SCORPION leaves. LYNX and S.D. come back on, wiping the blood off their hands with towelettes.] TBS: Was it good for you? LYNX: Don't you start. [Z-BOT enters.] Z-BOT: Your asses and your souls are required back in the theater, please. ZRITH: About time. [The group walks back.] ======== > ****** > > The battle in the arena was still going badly for the > visiting team. TBS: Man, the Cubs just can't get a break nowadays. > Scorpion and Sub-zero going back to back as a transformed > Fubuki and Yaku circled them, trying as best they could to > stay out of reach. Things had changed slightly but rapidly > as the magical ninjas W4 : Goemon! NOOOO!! TBS, VID : Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee's a magical girl! [TBS air-guitars.] > let the two girls recover from the > beating they were getting. Yaku took her lupine form S.D.: And *how* is looking like a blue flower going to help in this situation? VID : Your lupines or your life, chancellor. > just as the yellow clad Scorpion had commanded yet again to, ZRITH : Roll over! VID : Play dead! LYNX : Wanna cookie? > "GET OVER HERE!!" ZRITH : Maybe if you'd consider being just a little bit more *polite*, Mr. Bossyboots.... TBS : GET GET GET GET GET GET GET... GET GET... GET... [TBS breaks down snickering.] > A claw swipe had removed his stinger ZRITH: Story, just because he's both yellow *and* black-- W4 : Scooo-orpa! Scorpa the Bee! [ZRITH glares at W4, who mutes him as he begins to talk.] W4: Hee hee! [W4 presses the mute button again. ZRITH glares at him.] ZRITH: Jerk. > and when her increased speed and agility couldn't dodge his > fireballs, it gave her healing ability the chance to fix > the damage. W4: ... so who's winning? S.D.: Not us. > Sub-zero had missed the obvious possibility that her > partner might be similarly gifted and had went to deal > with this new threat. He was right of course: Fubuki > wasn't a lycanthrobe as Yaku. VID: ...so she's not scared of wolves. Good to know. > She was a mortal with demon's blood coursing through her veins. VID: And a big stupid cape and a sentient costume, yeah, we know.... > And her demon form could not only take harsh rigors such as cold, but > breathed fire as well. S.D.: ...you see, this is why *no* one in their right mind uses *anything* on Zanzibar's page. Criminy. > But still the fight was uneven. The ninjas had years, > centuries, of experience over the monster girls. LYNX: And yet, somehow, they're still pretty stupid. > When they had an opening, one would hit a nerve cluster on one of > the two friends and follow through with a series of blows. ZRITH: Nerve cluster? Isn't that a cereal? > Only the changed pair's increased constitution's and > support for one another kept them from succumbing and > taking a fatal hit. TBS: Well, friendship's nice and all, but it doesn't replace decent STR and DEX stats. By itself, high CON's just not that great. > But it was only a matter of time before one fell, and then the other. S.D. : We all fall down. ZRITH: Then Scorpion and Sub-Zero would go clubbing with Ermac. > And then the two friends realized something: that indeed > they were friends. LYNX : So *that's* why we spend so much time together! > And that Shao Kahn talked too damn much... thankfully. W4 : And what was that waiter's name again? W4 , S.D. : ... JEAN-LUC! > Now, as the two forced allies where forced close together, > positioning for the best angle in which to strike, they > bumped into one another casually. ZRITH : Hey, Phil. W4 : Hey, Steve. > Attacking and reforming, W4 : Aku wa yurusan! ZRITH: Whoops. Wrong channel. > an elbow managed to be in a place it should not have been. S.D.: Namely, it was stuck in a wall. > Then a toe was stepped on. A face came at a fist with > blinding speed and barely missed. VID: I think one of these guys seriously misinterpreted the concept of the headbutt. ZRITH : And in other sports news, tonight's football scores are 17-3, 24-21 and 14-0. > Slowly but surely, a second fight was breaking out, that if > unchecked, would have left Fubuki and Yaku as spectators as the > two enemies turned their attentions to each other. TBS : Hey! I just remembered something! VID : Yeah? What? TBS : You killed me! GET OVER HERE! VID : MEEP! > But then Shao Kahn had put his hand into it. W4 : Dissension? I'm soaking in it! LYNX: Which is disgusting, because none of them had *any* idea where Shao Kahn's hands had been. TBS: Well, he *was* just with Miko... right? I think. > Retreating to his throne with his new plaything, a simple > wave from the hand of the Emperor of Outworld set a stream > of fireballs at all the combatants. VID : Feel my flames! W4 : Do you MIND? I'm trying to have a private moment here! > Some landed between the quarreling ninja, reminding them who their > master was. ZRITH : WHO'S YO' DADDY? W4 : Um...the man who is pelting us with fireballs? ZRITH : CORRECT! Have a cookie. > The remaining caught the pair of ninja girls unaware and > sent them senseless to the floor. TBS: I like how fire doesn't actually burn anything in this story. ZRITH: Yeah, but it sure does a great job of knocking shit over. > Concentration broken, both reverted back to now naked and scarred > human forms. LYNX: Okay. I'm completely lost. Who's supposed to be naked and scarred here? ZRITH: Yaku and Fubuki. W4: No no no. Scorpion and Sub-Zero. TBS: No. Scorpion and Yaku. VID: No. Sub-Zero and Fubuki. S.D.: No. Shao Kahn and Shang Tsung. LYNX: Abbot and Costello? ZRITH: Laurel and Hardy? W4: Pinky and the Brain? TBS: Beavis and Butthead. [TBS nods, sagely.] ZRITH: But that's-- TBS: Ah ah ah ah! I *said*: [TBS nods again, sagely.] > Shao Kahn laughed well at the scene as his other hand > worked its thick fingers in the wet sex of his new slave > roughly and clumsily. LYNX: ...wait. Is Shao Kahn sitting, or standing, and how the hell is Miko positioned, and-- W4: There's that pesky 'thinking' thing again... LYNX: ...right, right, sorry. > She clung timidly to the thick arm and cried silently against > it. Miko's eyes stared hopelessly into the darkness. TBS: The darkness was arrested a few days later for breaking the "Good Samaritan Rule." > After swatting her around a few more times, he had decided > she was placid enough for his attentions. S.D.: 'Cause ninjas don't get mad when you kick the crap out of 'em, no sir. > Tearing off her poor excuse for clothing, his hands crushed at > her breast, his fat tongue slobbered over her body. VID: Why am I thinking of Odie right now? ZRITH: Why do I not want to know? > He took her as a only a man of true, naked power could take > a woman LYNX: Ineptly, with no thought to her pleasure? > and was rewarded with her begging, dripping cunt. VID: He'll teach it how to fetch and heel next. S.D.: How does one's--ahem--cunt "beg," precisely? > His hand came up to his mouth to suck at a finger: TBS: Hey, he's seeking the Salmon wisdom. Cool. > the girl's juices were actually sweet! VID: If the narrator says that it tastes like honey, I'm going to open fire on EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. > In a moment of generosity, he offered her the hand, a chance to > taste herself. Like the child she was, W4: I would've thought you'd have to at least gone through puberty before becoming a *sex* ninja... > Miko doefully put her hand upon his and licked at her own wetness > with dainty flicks of her small tongue. ZRITH: Oh, yeah, we're heading deep into fetish territory now. TBS : Hey! Strawberry! LYNX: ...I'm probably gonna get smacked for this, but I don't remember Miko ever being this generally useless in the OAVs. > And then she began suckling his smallest finger. ZRITH: The razor blade she carried under her tongue was about to come in handy. > "Truly a whore princess." the tyrant breathed. Then a > pained noise from below drew his attention. LYNX: Turns out he'd ended up sitting on the whore princess... well, whore princess pancake by now... > Sub-zero was kicking Yaku to a struggling Fubuki with contempt. W4 : Sub-Zero! You do not understand the concept of foreplay! ZRITH : I am a dangerous assassin! I do not *need* to know the concept of foreplay! > Scorpion stood by with dark glee as the two came together, TBS: ...then they got the bottom and went for a ride, and they felt okay, yeah yeah yayyy... VID: Hold still. This won't hurt much. TBS: BEATLES REFERENCE! That was a *BEATLES REFERENCE*! VID: What? S.D.: It is, Vid. VID: Oh. I stand corrected. TBS: Damn right. > hugged one another in final, fearful comfort. > Then for one time, the hated enemies looked to the other > with a common understanding. TBS : Slurpee? VID : Why... damn! YES! How did you know? > A shared goal. W4: A beam of light. The great friendship. > One prepared to burn Fubuki to cinders while the other flash > freeze Yaku. LYNX : Okay. I'll freeze Yaku, and you burn Fubuki! S.D. : Makes sense! > The imbalance of such temperature extremes would > send the remains of both scattering about the arena, never > to touch again. W4: Kinda like that three-headed boss in Link to the Past. VID : Then we have the slurpee? TBS : Does Coke flavor suit you, fellow colleague? VID : With no doubt! > A most ironic end for two who had managed to humiliate the warriors. S.D.: It's an ironic end for physics, too. VID: Oh, physics got nuked waaaaay back in this story... ZRITH: Well, maybe the author's a Ranma fanatic. > "No!" Kahn commanded. As one, both turned in surprise and > rage to their master. W4 : If you're going to make a mess, take it *outside*! > The Emperor smiled down at them as the girl on his lap > cooed softly, S.D. : Hey! Get me! I'm a bird! Miko want a cracker! [whistles] ZRITH : Ho ho ho! What *else* would you like, little girl? TBS : It better not be a Slurpee. VID : Yes. We called dibs on the Slurpee. > "Are you fools blind?" He said with an odd > laugh in his voice neither had ever heard before. LYNX : Miko needs to have burpies and her diaper changed, posthaste! > Their master's free hand waved in their victims direction, "The > whores are surrendering to you!" [ALL blink.] TBS : I do not get it. ZRITH : It's a sexual euphemism, you blockheads! TBS , LYNX : Oh. > Both looked, taking little note of the girl's trembling bodies. VID: ...no no *no*! Shame on you, Shao Kahn! If not for you, we would've gotten out of this scene without seeing Pallette-Swap Sex! > The sweat running down their wounded, yet lovely, forms. W4 : Sweat! Runnin' down their chests! They're lovely, and oversexed! > Nor did they see the thick moist cream caking their > inner thighs and gushing down their legs. S.D.: So if you were ever curious where Elmer's glue came from... > Confused, they looked back to their Emperor. TBS : I still do not get it. VID : Should we forfeit our Slurpees in exchange for them? What? > "Leave them if you do not want them then! ZRITH : Take all you want, but please, eat all you take. > I will tire of this one in a few days, may want more of these Miroku sluts! Look, even now they beg for your poor attentions!" ZRITH : Their fear of dying is obviously a cry for help! > One last desperate embrace was turning to something else. W4 : Most people who are about to die want to fuck their best friend first if at all possible. > As the two girls at their feet kissed each other > passionately, their bodies began to intertwine. ZRITH: MORTAL TWISTER! TBS : Spin the spinner and call the shots! Twister ties you up in a knot! > Merging in a way no fire nor ice could unlock. TBS: Whoa. _Evil Lives_ flashback. > In full incomprehension now, they looked again to Shao Kahn for > some kind of aid. LYNX : Aw, never mind. Get your damned Slurpees. TBS, VID : YAAAAAAAAY! > But by now he had his new plaything by either leg and upside-down > facing them with anguish on her face. S.D.: That's not how you do the wheelbarrow. W4 : *urp* Getting... dizzy... > His own was between her parted legs and buried > against her pelvis. TBS: Dr. Kahn, at your cervix! > Loud slurping noised and sighing breaths drifted down to them. VID : Uh...you want a napkin or something, or...uh, should we just leave you alone right now? You look kind of busy.... > Totally weirded out now, W4: Cunnilingus? You're soaking in it! > Sub-Zero and Scorpion went back to the subdued girls who where > acting anything but as they ate other in a sixty nine as if it > was indeed the last time. TBS : Oy. You ever see that before, colleague? VID : Never. > Then to their feasting Emperor, S.D.: ...urk. > and back again. LYNX: ...urk. ZRITH : Maybe they're really thirsty. W4 : There's a Soul Water Cooler right down the hall... > And so on and so forth. Till they looked to each other for > some kind of understanding. VID : If I am not mistaken, we should start doing something along the lines of sexual foreplay right now? What say you? TBS : ...erp. VID : I will take that as a no. > And again, their eyes meeting, they came to one... TBS , VID : Okay. Slurpee. ZRITH: I call that joke over... [VID points his gun at ZRITH.] ZRITH: ...as soon as we're done... VID: Wise man. > ...And as for Nin-Nin and Sheeva...there was no sign... W4 : Alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone-- I'm thinking... > ****** > > In the burnt out Soul Furnace room, the one-sided, underhanded TBS: Ew. [VID dents his rifle cracking it across the skull of TBS, then looks pityingly at the dent.] > conflict between Shang Tsung and the Shikima Queen ended as only > it could. TBS : This will end in fire. W4 : What he said. > Maria had endured many hours of the furnace's torture and > was already weak TBS : *And* pathetic, fool! > when she had confronted Shao Kahn's hidden guard. S.D: Shao Kahn is the only man in the world with an adamantium cup. > Though technically an immortal, W4: Only technically. LYNX: Well then, if they're going to be all *technical* about it. ZRITH : Well, *technically* I'm an immortal, but-- [VID mimes shooting him in the head.] ZRITH : AUGH! [feigns death] > the still young former ninja/sex craft master S.D.: Now *that*'s something to put on the ol' resume. > was yet a gleam in time when compared to Shang and his near eternal > cunning and treachery. W4 : NIGH eternally cunning and treacherous! > That was already proven. LYNX: They cut each other open and counted the rings. > Shang Tsung on the other hand had been fully rested VID: After a few seconds of sleep and the playing of a little jingle. > in preparation for his confrontation with Kahn. TBS : Okay, Shang... you can do this... you can do this... no you can't, he's going to kill you. Oh boy. [ZRITH stands, facing TBS. TBS stands, his left side facing ZRITH.] ZRITH : Why don't you face me like a man? TBS : Yeah, well, why don't *you* do things *your* damn way and *I*'ll do them *mine*? > The timeless sorcerer had dealt with such trifles many times before. VID: I don't know about Shang Tsung, but if I had dealt with naked women trying to kill me many times, I'd think a re-evaluation of my life would be WAY overdue. S.D. : I am naked! You will die! W4 : Oh, sure. *This* again. > Who else but a worthless whore would see the love for her offspring > as a strength? S.D.: Holly Lisle? LYNX: Birds defending their nests? ZRITH: Guidance counsellors? W4: Californian punk fans? VID: Every responsible mother in North America, if not the *world*? TBS: Well, it *is* kind of useless. She can't hit him with it or anything. > Had it not been that strength that had so easily made her drop > her guard and allow him to defeat her? LYNX: That, or the Hostess Fruit Pies. > The woman and her whelp had caused him too much trouble, simple > oblivion was too lax a curse for the bitch. ZRITH : I should give her... A GOOD KILLING! > As an addition to his collection of souls, he would > revel in her despair till the end of time. LYNX: But only until the End of Time. 'Cause once they *get* there Spekkio's gonna *whomp* his ass. > And with her soul, TBS: ...and *his* groovalicious riffs, he would soon be the RULER OF ALL FUNKYTOWN! > the Shikima heart was his as well: a wellspring of > the limitless energies of Earth realm. VID : Spring up, oh wel--gushgushgushgush--within my soul... LYNX: I don't think Shang Tsung's ready to become the first ambulatory perpetual motion machine. W4: Yeah. I mean, has he even looked into the patent issues? > He chided himself for going with his complicated > subterfuge with the furnace and not simply taking her > soul in the first place. S.D. : "Soul Furnace..." What was I THINKING? ZRITH : Why *did* I install that damn thing in the first place, anyway? > Living so long under Shao Kahn's thumb had made him too cautious. > Besides, it had been a very long time since he had enjoyed the > pleasures of a woman. W4: Oh man, sleeping on the couch and eating take-out for a thousand years? Poor guy! > The last slut he had raped was a heardman's daughter TBS: Must have been one loud guy. LYNX: You *know* that's supposed to be "herdman," damn it. TBS: Then shouldn't it be "herdsman" to begin with? LYNX: Shut up. > when those who would form the first dynasty of China were but > nomads. VID: Which means, sadly, that the statue of limitations passed several centuries ago. > And while his last partner had not enjoyed his > attentions much before he slit her throat, this one VID: ...had learned to kick the groin when the guy least expected it. ...right? Right?!? S.D.: It's okay, Vid...it's okay... VID: NO, IT'S NOT! > could do nothing but. TBS: Despite my deepest mental blocks, I am so getting Anne McCaffrey flashbacks here. W4 : Oh, Jaxom, tell me you love me! > As each of his legions of souls exited his body and > entered the Queen's through her vessel, ZRITH: Her what now? W4: This must be how they launch ships in the Outworld, or something. > her body was driven to orgasm. TBS: Unfortunately, it forgot to set the parking brake and rolled back into boredom. VID: That's... actually a pretty good metaphor. > The enslaved sprits then left her spasming form as it writhed on > the floor in unbearable ecstasy through her mouth, TBS : When did I eat *that*? > flying back into Shang's chest. W4 : *oof* Hey! Watch it! > He would take her soul one grain at a time S.D.: Well, now, that's a bit *inefficient*, isn't it? > making her suffer in pleasure. Make her body burn itself to ash. ZRITH : Maybe the Soul Furnace would have been the better option after all. > He normally took the souls of his victims after subduing them > in combat, but the irony of taking hers in this fashion > was too amusing to him. VID: I just want to say, if I hear the word "Irony" one more time in this story, I will puke. W4: Especially since that's not really irony. I mean, this is her only combat skill, meaning the only way she can compete, right? Therefore the way a person in her profession would *usually* lose a battle, and consequentially her soul, is in this manner. So it's not *ironic*, or anything, because *irony* is the *opposite* of the expected happening in a humorous or bizarre fashion-- [ZRITH grabs the remote and frantically turns W4's volume down.] > He smiled: she should feel honored he was giving her such special > treatment! LYNX: "She wanted it." How typically male. TBS: I am damn unsatisfied to be insulted in this manner. > By the time he realized his mistake, it was far too late. ZRITH : Oh! My underwear goes UNDERNEATH my pants! Oopsie. > Shag Tsung's W4: Austin Powers movies can really screw with your head. > seemingly limitless legion of souls came from hardened warriors. TBS : If y'know what I mean. > Men who had conditioned their minds and bodies to near perfect weapons. LYNX: Good lord! Steve Blackman? ZRITH: Ick. *That*'s a bad image. > Men who had lived in base times: VID: Which is, interestingly enough, one of the most complex counting systems ever devised. > when one did as they willed, took what they wanted. TBS: SCENE! [TBS quickly stands up and gets an empty crate of Jolt. He turns it upside down, gets W4 to sit on it, and throws on a fur cloak.] TBS : Woofernan! Tell us; what is good in life? W4 : To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women as they realise they have no one to bring the firewood in anymore. TBS: END SCENE! > Men who only knew the passion of battle, blood and hate. ALL : We're men! We're men in tights! TBS : TIGHT tights! > There was no time for anything else. VID: He'd just opened up the new track, after all. S.D: They had only four seconds left on the clock to get to the next check-point. LYNX : And we're not always given time, time for yours and time for m-- W4: I think we did that one already. LYNX: Well, shit. > Maria was trained in the art of sex craft: ZRITH: You just *try* teaching that at your local community hall. > a skill which, while using ones opponent's own lust against them, > also focused the user's as a tool in which to breach any > possible defense. S.D. : DE-FENSE! *stomp stomp* DE-FENSE! *stomp stomp* VID : Let's see. Bullet-proof, armor-proof, shock-proof... sorry, pal. We're fresh out of nookie-proof armor. > It could be used as the deadliest of weapons, ZRITH: It also serves as a terrific home gardening tool! VID: And *watch* as it slices clear through this tomato - no mess! TBS: Hey, all of a sudden, 3 Sister's Story doesn't seem all that implausible any more... > or the greatest healing tools. S.D.: Oh. Like Elena. > It greatest strength, and at the same time, it's weakness, was that > someone using it had to put their own heart on the line. VID : Sooner or later, it'll all fall in line, if we give it one heartbeat at a time. > Their own passions. TBS : Can make it happen! You can have it all, now I'm dancing fooooor my life... > One poorly skilled in it's techniques could do untold damage: > turn themselves or another into hapless slaves of their own bodies. TBS: Or... even worse... CROSSOVER LEMON WRITERS! ALL: AIIIIEEEEE! > But Maria was a master... W4 : And you? > True, she had endured TBS: They use *that* word a lot, too. W4: What, "endured?" TBS: Yeah. W4: So "endured", and... "irony." TBS: There must be a connection. W4: Like what? TBS: *I* dunno. > the Soul Furnace, an admonition comprised of the darkest remains > of a soul, designed to strip away ones higher self to fuel Shao > Kahn's black empire. VID: And *not* "Afro-American empire," Snot. TBS: Aww. > But she had endured it. TBS : There's that word again. VID: Snot... > More than that, she had conquered it by giving it just what it > wanted ZRITH : STEPPENWOLF TICKETS! EEEEEEEEE! > and cleansed the dredges of the damned. S.D. : And Clorox removes more stains from your dredges of the damned than ordinary bleach! > Not only that, they had thanked her in their one brief moment of > returned life. LYNX: And they gave her chocolates. > And one who so easily could have been her own W4: If only she had signed up for the "Adopt-a-Eunuch" program! > had forgiven her with her last ember. The experience had tempered > her soul in a way she never though possible. LYNX: Guys, that's *thought* possible. TBS: Is not! LYNX: That's what's *meant*. TBS: Then why didn't he just type it as "thought?" LYNX: I'll come over there, damn it. Don't make me. > If Shang had indeed tried to take it before, TBS: He would have had to buy her dinner and a movie first. > he would have done so easily. W4 : So FRAGILE THAT IT FRIGHTENS ME! ZRITH : A painful possibility! > Now... S.D.: ...it's *personal*. W4: Time to settle this... IN THE RING! TBS: In a no-holds-barred Flaming Nookie Match! > As Shang's enslaved souls did indeed drive Maria to sexual madness, > they touched her higher self and were changed. W4: All I'm saying is, if driving my new fuel cell car could be *this* exciting, the idea will catch on like wildfire. > Saw possibilities of joy and pleasure they never knew > possible in their short, savage lives. ZRITH : Ooh! Ooh! Hey! Look! S.T.U.N. Runner! > No longer hearing the voice of their master, S.D. : Tra la laaaa! I can't hear you! I'm not listening to you! Tra la laaaaa! > the warrior souls still went back to their cruel host. For they > knew, that no matter how strong her soul had become, TBS: Her fu was still weak. LYNX: That, and all Shang would have to do is mention her daughter again, and she'd fold like a napkin in a goddamn typhoon. > even Maria's body could not withstand such sensations. As warriors, > they knew of sacrifice. VID: That had been John Lithgow's rationale for killing them all. > But such a final price was unnecessary. ZRITH: 20% off and an extended warranty will do them fine. > The new warmth of the heightened souls quickly spread to the others > still trapped. VID: I call no HIV jokes. W4: Call 'em as you see 'em, Viddler. > They too became deft to their enslaver's voice. S.D.: Apparently, sex leads to hearing loss. TBS: National health and safety advisory bodies all recommend using hearing protection during intercourse. > The stream of souls stopped LYNX : Red light! [ALL freeze.] LYNX : Green light. Red light! > but Maria's body was still rocked TBS: Rocked, 'till she dropped. [rubs his chin, nods] > by climax upon climax, their passage had been so > intense. Her sex was an open wound from which her cum > gushed in a flood. GUNTER : Clean up on aisle three. [TBS opens up an umbrella. W4 puts on a poncho.] > Her hands suddenly freed, clamped over her vessel, and > drops of her juices splattered about everywhere. TBS: Want an umbrella, Vid? I got an extra-- VID: NO, SNOT. TBS: Just trying to be helpful. Sheesh. > They subsided after a time, and Maria just lay there as still as > possible. LYNX : I... huff... am hedge. Huff... huff... move... huff... > Her chest heaving as her tired lungs took in the foul, dry and > welcome air of the chamber. > > Shang Tsung screamed. LYNX : HIIIIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI! LYNX : MY CARPET! I just had it cleaned yesterday! > The exhausted Shikima Queen looked up to see S.D.: The *ceiling* collapsing, what with all the walls being knocked down by that freaking *flash flood* of hers a second ago... > Shang staggering back, his hands covering his eyes and light > pouring out of his mouth. W4: Hey, Neil must've found his grave. > The sorcerer dropped to his knees and cried out again as > fountains of light poked from the cracks between his fingers. LYNX: A thousand of them, probably. S.D: And pools of radiance came out of his armpits. > Writhing in agony, he tried in vain to close his mouth, but bleach > white, luminescent fingers pulled them apart from the inside. W4 : I reach out, from the inside... ZRITH: When your inner child tells you that it needs a potty break, you damn well better listen to it. > His mouth aimed to the ceiling in a silent scream, it > stretched impossibly wide and a near angelic figure burst forth. LYNX: Is that anything like that person in _It's a Wonderful Life_? TBS: I think they mean Tia Carrere in "Relic Hunter." LYNX: Ah. But you can understand my confusion. TBS: Most certainly. LYNX: Maybe it just *wants* to be an angel. S.D. : YUUUUUUUSU-KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! > Lacking wings and dressed in ancient leather armor, > he regarded the prone woman. W4
: I'm going to need a metric ton of sawdust to clean THIS up. > His rather rough features managed a smile and he bowed, as a warrior > might bow to another. VID: He then proceeded to kick the crap out of her, as a warrior might do to another. LYNX: WARRIORRRRRRRR! [puffs her cheeks out, flexes] [A door opens in the wall as GUNTER runs into the theater and falls to his knees, openmouthed, in front of LYNX.] GUNTER : Marry me. [A long hook slides out from inside the door, snags GUNTER by the neck, and whisks him back out as the door closes behind him.] TBS: Heh. Well! LYNX : ...uh? > Then another translucent fighter emerged from > Shang's locked body and did the same. Then both flew up > and through the chamber's ceiling. TBS
: Hi, naked chick! Bye, naked chick! > This was repeated ten, twenty, fifty, a hundred times. ALL : Hi, naked chick! Bye, naked chick! Hi, naked chick! Bye, naked chick! > And with each, the sprit of the next warrior moved faster. VID: It's like Ruby Heart on crystal meth. > Soon it was a quicksilver procession of figures, bleeding into > a column of light. TBS : Hinakedchickbyenakedchick HINAKEDCHICKBYENAKEDCHICKHINAKEDCHICKBYENAKEDCHICK-- > Bending just so at a point as the passing warriors paid their respects > to the one who had freed them. Streaming from Shang Tsung's chasming > mouth and into the ceiling. > > It was rather obvious he was none to happy with this. TBS : Come back, guys! I'll show you my stamp collection! > As the souls vacated their former master, his body > changed. Fair skin turned black and rotted. Defined > muscles melted to nothing under the festering flesh. He > turned into just what Maria though he truly appeared. ZRITH : A computer scientist! EEEEEEEK! LYNX: And he *still* means "thought," god *damn* it. > At last the trail of souls ended, and S.D.: --Hansel and Gretel proceeded to get *really fuckin' lost*. > his wasted remains, now little more that bone covered in sagging, > festered rot. Fell to lay on it's back. It moved... LYNX : It's ALIIIIIVE! [VID shoots TBS.] TBS: Aaaaagh! S.D.: The hell was *that* for? VID: Whoops. I thought they meant him. TBS: ...apologize? [VID shoots TBS again.] TBS: Ow! Christ! > As with her trail with the furnace, Maria stood with great > difficulty. Only where she had stumbled and crawled to > comfort the girl, she walked tall and proud to her beaten > foe, picking up another sword on the way. TBS: FORM BLAZING SWORD! > He did move, and was still in his perverse way, alive. VID : You... call... this... living? ZRITH : Fell... on... keys... > But all his strength had come from his captive souls. Whatever > passed as his own barely had enough to allow his cadaver to > squirm. As she came near, he hissed at her. W4 : Once... I was... a man... > "It seems I was wrong Shang Tsung," she said with a > seductive tone, "You aren't nothing..." LYNX : But a hound dog... > she stood over him, straddling his waist, [ALL squirm.] ZRITH: Isn't that always the way? Women always go for the guy that mistreats her or neglects her or decomposes in front of her or-- LYNX, S.D.: AHEM. ZRITH: ...sorry. > "Do you wish your reward... slave?" TBS : I know that I am not worthy of your attention, Master, but I feel that this is something which I should bring to your attention... > Legs spread, she parted the lips of her labia with > two fingers. A drop of urine fell to his chest. TBS: Special guest writer: Clay. W4: You mean Hard, right? TBS: Oh, yeah, right. Hard. > His horrid features looked incensed, and then... he > smiled... > > "Mis...tress..." he crooned barely above a whisper. > > She smiled as well. "I thought so. You seemed the type." W4 : This page called off due to WRONG. VID: [depressed sigh] If only. > Her sword hand came up and rage flared on her face, "Take > that thought, and this sight, back to hell monster!!" > Maria snarled as she brought the blade across his neck. > Sparks lit on the floor. > > Then she peed on him, not that she had the moisture to > waste. W4 : I'll kill you! And I'll cut you up! And I'll bury you! And I'll piss on your grave! > She was a compassionate human being after all. LYNX: Oh, yeah. That's plausible. Let me show how compassionate I am by peeing on you and chopping your head off, evil man who just raped me! S.D: I've heard of Porn Logic, but, still... VID: Well, she could have made him listen to a toy ice cream scoop clicking for the next couple of years. > Deflating, Maria walked a few paces from the body when a > cracking sound made her turn in dread. VID: It was then, she knew, that she had to get the tiling seen to. > The floor beneath Shang Tsung's body split with a blood red light, > and a puff of flame erupted forth. TBS: She never saw _Nightmare on Elm Street 4_, did she? Peeing on evil corpses *revives* them! > A second consumed the corpse, and for a long instant, Maria > thought she saw the sorcerer as he had been being dragged down. > Clawing and screaming all the way. LYNX: Like a little child that wants to stay up to watch "Mission: Impossible." > She blinked, and the illusion--along with the body--were gone. ZRITH : Duuuuuuude. > There was however, an extra stench of brimstone in the air. A new > mound of ash on the floor. [S.D. and LYNX pull out cans of air freshener and spray.] TBS: Damn it, Nightcrawler, clean up after yourself! > Then, dropping the sword, she fell to her knees completely exhausted. > > Miko was here, she could feel it clearly now. ALL : ...the rain has gone...I can see all the obstacles in my way... > As well as the danger her child faced. But Maria was spent and could > do nothing. She didn't even have strength for tears anymore. ZRITH: Strength, Hell. She doesn't have enough *fluid* for tears. TBS: This is probably a good way to teach the theory of Opportunity Cost. > "Congratulations... Fatality." S.D : No, my name is Maria, but thanks all the same. > A ninja clad in dark red stood in the open doorway flanked > to either side by four simpler dress men in black. He gave > a mocking bow. LYNX : Hey, how's it going. > "The Emperor may even reward you with an extra day of life." > > Before total despair could settle it's fatal weight on > Maria's heart, a blue ball shot through the man's legs and > sent him tumbling. [TBS and W4 open their mouths.] VID, ZRITH: NO. TBS, W4: ...? VID, ZRITH: NO. [TBS and W4 look at each other and share a confused shrug.] > It stopped itself before her and uncurled into a familiar little > three fingered ninja. W4 : I *love* being a turtle! > "Nin-Nin!!" she cried. Suddenly found she had a few tears > after all. > > "M-Maria-sama! I've found you!!" S.D. : Hi, Sandy! I won! > "What the hell is that?!" The red ninja bellowed as he was > helped up. "Squash that little bug and bring me that > bitch! NOW!!" VID : And somebody get a mop and a gallon of Lysol! > In the darkness of the corridor, a very large shadow came > up behind the lead ninja. LYNX : Want to see a coin trick? > His men made to let it pass instead of following his orders. > > Nin-Nin looked to the door in terror, turned back to Maria > and squeaked, "Help me...!" S.D [Maria>: Sorry, Nin-nin, but you're far beyond help. VID : ...help, help me...! Help me...! Help, help me...! > ****** > > Miko now faced the warlord, straddling the front of his > lap and grinding her hips with an index finger close to > the size of a dildo in her sex. W4 : LOVELY mental image there. Thank you SO much! ZRITH: So Shao Kahn has gotta be... what, twelve, thirteen feet tall? S.D.: Giantism is a sadly common condition among fighting game final bosses. ZRITH: ... ow, yeah, don't even want to think about what Apocalypse's girlfriends go through. > She rested with back arched and hands steadying her motions on > his knees. TBS: Midway writes the Kama Sutra. Now *there's* a scary thought. W4: B, F, High Thrust. > Her juices ran about his hand and down upon his throne. This > had been going on for some time. S.D.: And it was getting boring. > She had yet to come. TBS: She spent most of her time going. [A pause.] TBS: Uh...aren't you supposed to hit me, Viddo? VID: Leave me alone. I'm brooding. > She looked off to the side with that same beaten > expression on her bruised features. His free hand took her > chin and Kahn made her look at him. W4 : Behold my eye boogers, mortal! TBS : Wanna have another...heh heh...match? [A pause.] TBS: Um, Vid-- VID: Shut UP! > She was terrified, but continued to move her hips. He smiled and > let her look back into space. > > Yes, he thought feeling his erection under its armored > protection, ZRITH: That's a fancy name for a condom. W4 : Price check on isle 2 for iron-plated condoms! TBS : His erection... has armored protection. I manipulate... to recreate... > there was the look he had seen on the Shikima Queen. S.D. : That naked, unclothed look. LYNX : I like purdy naked girls. Hyuk. > That look of pain and defeat. Trying with all she > had to keep from giving up hope, but knowing it was > pointless. W4: Which would sort of imply she's already given up hope and stuff, but whatever you say, story. TBS: That happens to me all the time on dates. > But above all, knowing that if you dared take the one ray > of salvation you did see, things would only get worse. VID: There's the whole story of Windows in one sentence. > His free hand stopped her movement by gripping her hip and > he pulled his finger from her cunt. He held it to her > mouth, batting away her hand when she went to touch it, ZRITH : And this hand's going out of the park! TBS : Get your iron-plated Shao Kahn hot dogs right here! W4 : Peanuts! Get'cher Outworld-Peanuts riiight over here! TBS : Aww shucks, mister! All I got's a twenty... Fight ya for it! W4 : You're on! [W4 reaches under his seat and grabs a vendor tray, which he empties out and slings over his chest to look like a breastplate. TBS jumps straight up out of his seat and graces the ceiling before landing in a spiffy martial-arts poise.] TBS : Bring it on, lowly vendor! Soon, all your hot dogs belongs to me! [Everybody else groans audibly.] W4 : Very well! But!: you shall soon face the wrath buried in my drink cups! BWAAA!! [W4 charges at TBS, who does a frontflip over him and lands on the stage. W4 plows through two rows of seats.] TBS : Ha! Fool! It will take more then obviously dominant force to take down the likes of-- [The shape of TBS's head changes dramatically as it is hit by a rail gun round. TBS stubles around for a moment, falling off the stage, and finally plunking back down in his seat.] MMK.o.D. : Hee HEE HEE! Aw, *man*, was that priceless. TBS : Yeah, sure, for *you* guys! GUNTER : Well, yeah. Duh. [W4 pulls himself out of the pile of destroyed seats, and wanders back over to his seat.] > and made her lick his finger clean. Once done, he traced > the still slick, long digit down her body. Put it to her > slit again. LYNX: Put a stamp on it. Mailed it. W4: Sadly, Shao Kahn never paid any attention to the size limit, so it was rejected by the postal service, and Marie decided to go pos-- [VID and ZRITH cock their fists waaay back and face W4.] VID: ... ZRITH: Don't. VID: Complete. ZRITH: That. VID: Thought. > Then he put it, and two other fingers, into her sex... Slowly. ZRITH: Slowly shattering her pelvic bone and ripping her apart from the inside. VID: After all, it wouldn't do to have the plot go anywyere. W4: Plot? What plot? VID: ...good point. > Face contorting in concentration, the girl's head leaded forward TBS: As opposed, of course, to unleaded forward. VID: Shut up, Snot. > as she bit her lower lip. She tried squirming > away, but he held her fast. Parted his legs, thus pulling > hers out even more. Once his fingers were in deep, his > hand on her waist came away. With rasping breaths, she > began grinding anew, but at a far slower pace. LYNX: Yeah, nothing takes it out of ya faster than the daily grind. ZING! TBS: And somewhere, a Time Mage giggled. W4 : Oooooooh. Heeeeeelp meeeeeeee. Iiiiiii caaaaaaan't taaaaaaaaake thiiiiiiiis aaaaaanyyyyyymooooooore... S.D.: Humph. Probably took her purse, too. > It wasn't to Kahn's liking of course, S.D.: That insensitive bastard... TBS: He probably killed Kenny, too. > so his hand went to her hip to help her move properly: fast and deep. W4 : Eekyou'regoingtoofastandit'sallhotandithurtsandstuff-- --whatnodinnerandamoviefirst-- [ZRITH uses the remote to turn W4 off. LYNX and VID, both off-key, hum "The Sound of Silence."] > Her head snapped back, and she let out a scream as her > cunt muscles quivered about his fingers. TBS: 'Cunt muscles.' It's little touches like that which let the reader know just how much painstaking research our author did for this fine story. > They did this for some time and she tried to stop moving, but he wouldn't > let her. VID : No conservation of movement for you, young lady! > Then at last it subsided without her going over > the edge. She even went back to her old rhythm. TBS : This is the scene that never ends, it just goes on and on my friiiiend.... ZRITH: You know, it takes an author of exceptionally craptacular skill to make sex the most boring thing ever. S.D.: Would it be because most of this ends up sounding like cut-and- paste, cut-and-paste, cut-and-paste? ZRITH: You know, *just maybe*. > So she learned the game fast, he thought parting his > fingers inside her just so. LYNX: That is NOT how to play marbles, and you know it! W4 : I'm never going to the Grey Archive to find out about *anything ever again*. > She gasped again, yet still didn't come to climax to Kahn's delight. > She knew she'd be punished if she did. One beating had been good > enough for her. ZRITH: Yes, story! We GOT the idea that Shao Kahn is an abusive control freak! Thank you! You REALLY didn't need forty thousand lines of bad, repetitive prose to hammer this point home! VID: You know, as soon as I'm out of this place, I'm just gonna organize some people to go over to the Grey Archive and have them lecture on intergender relations. W4: I want Bruce Lee to be one of those people. VID: We'll see. > Yes, she would make a fine addition to his harem. May even > last a year. TBS : Bathe her and bring her to me. She pleases me. LYNX : Harem...yes. Zoo...maybe. > The long hair had to go though... > > Suddenly, someone banged on one of the sets of doors > leading to the arena floor. W4: Candygram for Mongo! VID: Open up, Ipkiss! We know you're in there! > Kahn paid little attention as he began flexing his fingers in time > with Miko's downward motions. His other moved to her hip again as > she slowed and her insides quivered in pre-release. W4 : I put my hand upon your hip! When I dip *you* dip *we* dip! [VID, of course, shoots him repeatedly.] > On the second knock, which sounded like a battering ram, he did look > away as the girl leaned forward and tried to uncoil her > legs from around his. VID : Could someone GET THAT, please? ZRITH : Do you mind? I'm trying to have some quality time with the Missus here! LYNX : Define "quality time". TBS : Well... LYNX: Shut up. > He pushed her back, spread his legs--and thus hers--as far as his throne > allowed, and jammed a fourth finger in on the next plunge. LYNX : Ahahaha! Look! Painfully detailed, slow, pointless, improbable pseudo-fisting! Yes, this is the GREATEST STORY EVER WRITTEN! I want to have hot, steamy dog sex with this WONDERFUL STORY! W4: ... you're being sarcastic, right? LYNX : ... no. W4: Well, that's kind of weird, don't you think? LYNX: ...never mind. I'll just sit quietly over here until my soul dies. S.D.: ... shouldn't be too long. > Miko gave a loud cry. TBS: And we're supposed to be surprised by this? > The doors smashed open and a body flew into the arena. TBS: GASP! It's the Kamikaze Avon Lady! S.D. : Avon calling, you son of a bitch! > His pet forgotten in this outrage, Kahn tossed Miko upon > his throne as he got up and stepped to the ledge's edge > and looked down. A ninja in red dress-- VID: Ermac IS Mrs. Doubtfire. S.D. : ...AL?! > Ran, one of his many lieutenants he noted at once-- TBS: Since he had the camera and the kilt on too. VID : My favorite cross-dressing lieutenant! My *only* cross-dressing lieutenant. > lay at the broken entrance. LYNX: Red Ninja Ran *is*... the *Shockmaster*! > He made a feeble attempt to crawl, then went still. ZRITH: ... wow. A redshi-- er, redskirt in the truest sense of the word. > "Liu Kang!" Shao Kahn uttered under his breath. His fist > cracked with energy, boiling away the sex juices of his pet. S.D. : Ow ow ow ow OW OW OW OW *OW*! *JESUS FUCKING CHRIST*! > He spared her a glance as Miko at last cried out an > orgasm. She lay across the wide seated throne half curled > in a ball and shaking with a spasm, both hands at her > crotch. S.D. : You can stop that now. We're at a fight scene. LYNX : Awwwwww...do I HAVE to? TBS: ... wait, wait, having the equivalent of a superheated red-hot telephone pole shoved up her crotch makes her get off? Whafuh? VID: I think she's just happy that the fisting scene is over. Like we are. S.D.: ...hey... VID: What? S.D.: I don't know why...but I just got this urge to start chanting. > Once the Earth realm guardian was dealt with, he would see to her > in time. W4 : In the meantime... anybody got any sawdust? > He turned back to face the Earth defender. > > And found Sheeva walking in... W4 : My, Liu Kang. You've changed. > Kahn wasn't shocked because it was the multi-armed > giantess. And he was far more stunned than angered to see > her making such an entrance. The real surprise was seeing > her VID: With that tutu. > carrying the Shikima Queen in her lower set of > arms--with the small blue insect riding on one of her > shoulders! ZRITH: They're all good guys, they all hate you... man, who'd have thought they'd be on the same side, huh? LYNX : Hey! Get me! I'm a crazy taxi! Vroom vroom! S.D. : Take me to the throne/arena room! LYNX : Okay; don't freak out on me. > "What is the meaning of this Sheeva!?" he pointed to the > downed Ran, "Were you responsible for that!?" > > "I've come for my child monster!" TBS : I'm not a monster! I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not! W4 : I'm a child *woman*! TBS: Ha ha! > the Shikima Queen demanded as she was gently put to her feet, > "Where is she?!" ZRITH: Naked, quivering, unable to stand on her own... the very picture of regal dignity. TBS : [shakily] Umm...look, mom...I can explain everything... > "O-Okasan?...Okasan!!" Miko called behind him as Kahn > decided she would not live a moment longer. He turned > ready to kill her on the spot only to find her gone. He > turned back in time to see mother and daughter embrace. VID : Friendship? FRIENDSHIP? S.D.: This is a *very* strange author that we're dealing with, here. TBS: ... wow, Miko has a teleport in this game! Cool! W4: Yeah, but she's cheesy as Goldibus when the computer plays her. > "Miko..." Maria wept as she hugged her child, S.D. : From far away/I hear my mother crying/The sky is gray/ They say the earth is dying/I hear her voice/And still I make a choice to stay... > held her to her as tightly as possible. S.D. : Wake me with your dark embrace/And make me open in your arms/I want to lose myself within/Leave the person I have been/Let me enter- VID: Yes, we get it, thank you. > "Why did you come here?" Miko only sobbed into her mother's shoulder. S.D. : [sniffs] You smell bad. LYNX : [sniffs] You too. VID : I'd perform a fatality on myself for a pair of nose plugs right now. > Being ignored was an odd sensation to Kahn, seeing as it > had never been done before. TBS: Ah, so that's Shao Kahn's problem. A need for attention causes him to act out and display negative behaviors. > Still not recovered from the entrance, LYNX: That's a nice way to put it. W4 : Someone... help... me up? ...*anyone*? > much less the mere appearance of the Shikima > Queen--no matter that one of his own lieutenants had > brought her in--he let this little drama play out. LYNX: What a nice, caring lord of the Outworld. ZRITH: So, he did nothing, because it'd be inconvenient to the story for him to be in character right now. > Maria pulled away to look at her daughter and immediately > turned pale as she saw the bruises on her face. She ran a > hand fearfully over Miko's cheek and her daughter took it > and held it close. W4 : We've been through this before. My hand is NOT a bandage. > "M-Miko-chan..." Maria's voice was a whisper. TBS : ... Mom, why's your hand so sticky? > "I'm okay Okasan," Miko replied with a soft smile, "I'm > just glad I found you." ZRITH : [sniffling] That's... that's so sad! W4 : [sobbing] I love you, Shao Kahn! ZRITH : [sobbing] I love you, Shang Tsung! [They embrace.] > Shao Kahn was no longer ignored... VID: You would think that the emperor of the Outworld might get some respect now and then. > "You did this to my child!" Maria asked up at him as she > stepped forward gesturing to Miko who was suddenly calm > and ready to fight. S.D. : Commas are your friends, author. Slow. Down. > Kahn laughed down at them TBS : Haw haw! > and held up the hand he had used on the girl. LYNX : Talk to the hand, because the mask isn't listenin'! > "I did more than that sow, TBS: I did that lion over there, and the dog, and-- [S.D. unsheathes her Masamune and slices TBS in two in one smooth motion.] S.D. : No. Bestiality. Period. TBS: What if it were *yaoi* bestiality? [S.D.'s face begins convoluting.] TBS: Hee hee! > I look forward to giving you a sample!" He stepped back, sat on his > wet throne. ALL: SQUISH! ZRITH : Crap. Third time this week. I gotta find a new spot for this. > "But that will wait another night. You and your brat begin to boar me. W4: Does that mean that Fubuki's a meercat, and the three of them are going to sing "Hakuma Matata?" S.D.: I thought we talked about this. W4: Well, it's... > And since you still live, I can only assume that > Shang's little plot has totally failed. W4: Actually, it's only partially failed. 67 and a half percent failed, in fact. TBS : It's not quite failed yet! > This is a new level of incompetence, even for him! TBS : Screw this whole 'evil overlord' crap, "The Man Show's" about to come on! > "But enough!" He bellowed, "Scorpion! Sub-Zero! TBS : Johnny Cage. Liu Kang. [ALL hum the Mortal Kombat movie theme.] > Deal with them and execute the traitor Sheeva!" > > All waited. Nothing happened. ZRITH : They'll bore them to death! How brilliant! > Kahn looked about casually, then yelled, "Scorpion! > Sub-Zero! Attend me!!" W4 : But we do not swing that way, leader! > Miko sniffled TBS: Inadvertently revealing her secret habit. > and a kneeling Sheeva made and odd cooing > sound. The grunts and groans of the two ninja girls as > they rutted out of his view had been ever present. TBS : I didn't entirely forget that they're still supposed to be in this scene. Really! S.D. : Now let's see... where did I put that list of all my characters that are scheduled to be ignored? > They had become so lost in what they thought was their last > act, the entrance of the traitor and the Queen had gone > unnoticed Kahn thought casually. ZRITH: Funny how Kahn's thoughts automatically cover the author's butt. VID: That's a load of hogwash, story! The adrenaline accompanying one's last moments of life dulls sexual interest, story! > And then the dark Emperor further noted that the cried of > the girls were more... more... masculine?!? S.D. : This story is suddenly looking up... [ALL give her odd looks. S.D. smirks.] > He stood up slowly, almost with a dread awareness, S.D. : In fact, even a Judge Dredd Awareness. [The screen suddenly shifts to a shot of Judge Dredd shooting someone, then goes back to Shao Kahn.] ALL: ... MMK.o.D. : Cut that out. GUNTER : Hey, you put Spot up there! It's only fair! > and--with a surprising timidness--walked to the edge and > looked below. W4 : ...ewww. Somebody call housekeeping. TBS : Okay, we lied. We DO swing that way... LYNX : The things we do for a Slurpee. > There were indeed two ninja entwined and lost in each > other to the extent they were oblivious to all else. They > were indeed of the same sex... TBS: And there were indeed cameras around them labeled "Fox Television Network." S.D. : Tonight, on "When Sex Ninjas Attack..." > They...just weren't...the ones...he expected...to find... ZRITH: ...um...heh, story? We were joking about this before. Really, I appreciate the thought, but you don't need to do this... W4: ...I have to give this author credit, he made the Pallette-Swap Sex even more horrifying than I initially imagined possible. ZRITH : Do I *HAVE* to watch this? MMK.o.D. : Take a guess. S.D. : What's the problem? It's just yaoi... MMK.o.D. : Oh, hey, good idea. Gunter, you like altering screens, go get me that over there. GUNTER : Right. [ALL glare at S.D..] S.D. : ...what? > "I think they're rather cute." Maria commented with her > arms folded under her chest. LYNX : Can I take them home with me? I'll water them and bathe them and clean up after their dookie! > "Okasan," Miko asked her mother, not sure what to make of > the scene, "What's that guy doing to the other with that > thing from his--Eww!" TBS: And Miko speaks for us all! W4: Well, actually... yeah, yeah she does. S.D.: Not for *me* she doesn't. ZRITH: Can I look now? > Kahn took a step back without saying a thing. Sat on his > throne then immediately stood up again, suddenly realizing > a wetness his ego had ignored before. ZRITH : For Pete's sake, Miko! Get a mop! W4: Apparently Shao Kahn's mother never taught him a few basic things. > Two shadows shot out of the darkness at Kahn TBS: Cheech and Chong? W4: Banjo and Kazooie? S.D.: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid? ZRITH: Noob Saibot and Shaft? [ALL stare.] ZRITH: ...what? > and were gone before he could register them or even act. TBS: Augh! Shadow Skill crossover! Augh! Augh! > One landed by Maria, the other Miko. > > "Maria-sama!" Fubuki cried as she hugged the Shikima > Queen. S.D. : And she wonders is this real/Or does she want to be the Queen/And he fights the way he feels/Is this the end of the dream... > Seemed surprised and embarrassed at her own tears > but let them fall happily. S.D. : I don't mind being a sex toy for Outworld guards, but CRYING embarasses me! VID: Unfortunately, Fubuki and Maria's mutual stickiness was so great that it took fifteen minutes and a crowbar to pry them apart. LYNX : ...why would you want to do that? > "Musume..." Maria crooned, held the ronin ninja S.D.: Hold it. I call foul. 'Ronin,' in the sense likely being used here, refers to a lordless *samurai*. A ninja is *not* a samurai, therefore, a ninja cannot be a ronin. A 'ronin ninja' is like a 'square triangle.' It's missing the thing that'd make it a square. 'Ronin ninja' only works if you're assuming said ninja is a modern-day college student, and even then it shouldn't be used because the *logical* assumption is that the speaker is referring to the samurai definition. Which doesn't make sense. VID: Have you ever heard of someone named Arlieth? S.D.: He got mad at the fic. I'm not mad. I'm just pointing out the sheer impossibility of things. VID: There are *reasons* people have aneurysms. S.D.: ...point. > with no less love than her flesh and blood daughter. LYNX : Moooooom... > "Miko-chan!" Yaku took her friend in a quick embrace then > pulled away. Seemed ashamed of herself. "I'm sor-" TBS : Oh, that's all right. I was really sticky anyway. > "It's okay, Yaku-chan," Miko interrupted with a grin, > "it'll heal. Just not as fast as yours." ZRITH: HA HA! Sexual assault is funny! [whispers] Kill me. > Fubuki looked to her elder sister while still against > their mother's chest, "Miko..." sounded just as apologetic > as Yaku. S.D. : I'm sorry I'm in this fic! LYNX : Me, too! W4 : Now let's turn to the Wheel of Morality to find out what we have learned! > "SILANCE!!" Shao Kahn roared VID : It needs work. TBS: Well, at least the lambs shut up. > as he recovered somewhat. S.D.: I was *wondering* when the tearful family reunion would come to an end. > He chanced another glance over the edge to see if his men > had... no... they were still at it... [VID pulls out two heavy books labeled "Mortal Kombat Canon" and stands up. He lets the books drop with a loud thud.] VID : Well... I guess we won't be needing THESE anymore. S.D.: Hmm. Male ninjas have a lot of stamina, apparently. TBS: ...was that meant as a riff or a statement of fact? S.D. <^_^ing>: The latter. I'm actually enjoying this part. TBS: ...you're a scary lady. S.D. <^_^ing>: Thank y-- MMK.o.D. : NOW! [The screen warps. Instead of a shot of Scorpion and Sub-Zero, the role of Sub-Zero is replaced so that Scorpion is now sharing a passionate position with Porky Pig.] ZRITH: AIEEEEEEEEEEEE! VID: MY EYES! MY EYES! [TBS hides under his seat.] TBS : Hi, Lynx. LYNX : I'm going to be very ill. TBS : I'm going to move a bit over here. W4 : Gah! I think chips in my head just melted! [W4 notices S.D. on the floor, her head rotating 360 degrees rapidly as she throws up.] W4 : I think the same thing just happened to her! LYNX : What? SWEET JESUS! VID: Hold her still! ZRITH: These are my good clothes! *You* fucking hold her still! MMK.o.D. : All right, 'nough of that. Gunter? GUNTER : Right-o! [Porky Pig disappears, restoring the image of Sub-Zero that was covered up. S.D.'s head stops spinning as she stops vomiting, and ALL help her to her seat as tiny robots with hoses roll out and begin cleaning the floor.] LYNX: Holy fuck. VID: You okay, S.D.? S.D. : Ick. [ALL return to their seats.] VID: You're going to pay for this, Knight. MMK.o.D. : Yeah, yeah. S.D. : ...ick. > He cringed and stepped back, realized at last he was > losing control of the situation. ZRITH: To quote the rustic, "That there Shao Kahn is about as fast as sweet molasses on a frozen January morning." VID: Thankfully, he's not rolling uphill. > "This is not some family reunion!" he yelled, TBS: Unless you're a redneck. > through with little assurance and none of the menace he normally > possessed. "You are all my prisoners! You live or die at my whim!" TBS : So die, already! Die! DIEDIEDIE! Die, die, die, die, die, die, die! [A pause.] TBS : Please? > "Got him good." Fubuki noted with a smile. VID: Wow. Shao Kahn sounds like my dad when he was going through his mid-life crisis. > "It's the two guys," Marai said as if critiquing, "they > really must shock the hell out of him. Or turn him on." VID: Let's not explore that avenue any farther, okay? S.D. : ...ick. TBS : You hear that, Shao Kahn? You're a pooftah! > Nibbled with an absent grin on a fingernail showing her > own level of interest. ZRITH: None whatsoever, right? Right? W4: Just like us! S.D. : ...ick. > "They gave us a real time," Yaku explained, "Kahn gave us > the hint on how they hated each other, S.D.: Ah. That explains everything. ZRITH: Huh? S.D.: It's the Rule of Anime/Manga Couples. "They hate each other; it must be love!" ZRITH: By that logic, say, Kyo and Iori-- [ZRITH abruptly turns an interesting shade of green. S.D. smirks, then shudders.] S.D. : ...ick. > but we didn't put the rest together until it was almost too > late. They're damn good fighters!" VID: Apparently, in this strange, sad little world, fighting ability is directly proportional to libido. S.D. : It's a good thing we had our Make Out With Each Other technique to fall back on, or we would have been done for! LYNX: I've seen that on DBZ before, haven't I? S.D.: I would certainly hope not. ...ick. > "Hello?" Kahn asked as attention was stolen away from him. > Again. TBS : You're stepping all over my lines! > "Yeah, Yaku's 'tit attack' had no effect on them!" VID: Wow. That was...both subtle and amusing. Thank you, Mr. Author-type Person! W4 : Somehow, they dodged the Yaku Missiles! S.D.: Thankfully, that never made "Pokemon Gold." > "Well, the way you shoved that ass of yours in their > faces, you'd think they go right for it! It looks like it > belongs on a boy!" ZRITH: Yes, let's NOT go down that avenue. S.D.: I'm cold. W4: There, there. > "Is...are any of you listening to me?" Shao Kahn asked > sheepishly. ZRITH: Five bucks says Shao Kahn starts crying like a baby. TBS : ...I just...I could really use a hug right now... VID : Um...hi, my name is Shao Kahn-- ALL [bored>: HI, SHAO KAHN. VID : --And I've been raping young ninja girls for a while now. [LYNX sniffs, and W4 offers her a tissue.] VID : It got to the point where there was this-- *sniff*-- [eyes quivering] big...family...*reunion*... [VID covers his face and hands his head. TBS gets up, walks over, and pats him on the shoulder.] TBS : Hey, it's okay, man. We're all here for you. [VID sniffles for a moment, then resumes taking.] VID : Thank you, thank you all...So anyway, my two ninjas began ignoring me, and then no one would acknowledge my presence! It's enought to make a big ol' mean overlord of death like me just want to hide away in a dark corner for a long long time and become a *good* overlord of death. Thank you all for your time. [VID bursts into tears, amidst the resounding applause and cheers of his peers.] ZRITH: That was...that was *beautiful*... S.D.: So sad, yet leaves room for self-improvement... W4: I think I'm going to cry too! LYNX: I'll never riff you again, Kahn. Much. *sniff* GUNTER : [crying] I...That...Wow... MMK.o.D. : Yeah yeah yeah. Very cute. Now resume suffering, or you shall feel the true feelings of the beastly Outworld overlord, as interpreted by iT in a fresh new line of lemons (out later this month from 4painYourPain Inc.). iT shall explore the varied, complex, and largly unknown world of Shao Kahn in this detailed yet stunning new series. To match your mood, shall iT put on a small preview this moment? [ALL grumble and turn silently back towards the screen.] MMK.o.D. : No, hey, come on, iT worked on these for a long time. GUNTER : Later this month, huh? You gotta show me those sometime. MMK.o.D. : *Thank* you. Man, we should have *kept* Racewing. > Fubuki's tongue shot out as she made a rude face and Yaku replied > in kind. S.D.: --NO! No Sailor Moon! Dammit, this was just getting goo... [shudders] ...ick... VID: Snot, wipe that smile off your face. > Maria hushed them both then gestured Miko forward. W4 : HEY come on come on! > Caressing a bruised cheek, she smiled at her child while still holding > Fubuki. They shared a look and nodded as one. VID: Y'know, if *I* were Shao Kahn, I'd...y'know... DO SOMETHING! S.D.: Hey, Shao Kahn! Your projectile attacks would be just great against targets that stand around and hug and make fun of each other! > Naked, Miko walked before the Emperor of Outworld as if an > armored legion was behind her. ALL: ... TBS: The part of Miko will be played by Tiffany Lords, ladies and gents. > The mighty Emperor of Outworld won against an urge to step > back... ZRITH : Oh *man* this chick could use a bath... > "We're leaving now bone top! And if you don't want your > little secret out, you'll never bother us again!" TBS : I TOLD YOU, THERE WAS SHRINKAGE! > He was suddenly himself again. "Insolent Bitch!" no one > talked to him in such a manner. Especially in his own > palace! And much less whores. ZRITH : Call girls, maybe, but definitely not whores! > "You dare make demands upon me! Four naked cows and..." He looked to > Sheeva and lost his train of thought. S.D. : ...and, uh... and one cow with, uh, six legs... and... well, fuck. LYNX : ...I forgot my line. W4 : Cows, sir. LYNX : Actually, I was thinking of titti...I mean kitties. > She sat on her knees with the little blue ninja's head > between her thighs. TBS: ... Nin-nin and Sheeva. Wow. Nietzche's right, God is *so* dead right now. ZRITH: Along with light, justice, beauty, hope... S.D. : "...and we're not doing too well ourselves." ALL: ENT! > The insect looked up at him with a > cum-soaked mask and flashed him two fingers in a 'V' sign. S.D.: What the fuck? > Then the turncoat warrior gave a moan of protest and > forced him back to work with a push to the back of his > head. For what little good it did, Kahn tried to shake his > own clear. W4 : File this under "Never." > Then he remembered Miko's words. S.D. : And always wear sunscreen. > "What secret could you possibly have against me that would > make me let you all go?!" He demanded with fearful > curiosity. VID: One word. Plastics. > Miko walked to the center of the arena and held her arms > out wide. "It's pretty damn obvious! W4 : I know about the eleven herbs and spices! > Here you are, BIG emperor of a BIG empire that gobbles everything > he can get his hands on. ZRITH: Oh. It's an eating disorder. TBS : I'm a growing boy! > You live on a flat plain in your BIG black tower that stretches > straight up forever. What might we be compensating for?" [ALL mumble confusedly.] TBS: ...no idea... ZRITH: ...what's she sayin'... VID: ...maybe a bad car... S.D.: ...if this works, I am gonna *kick your ass*, story... LYNX: Wow. Not even the Emperor of Outworld can stand up to the gratuitous power of wackiness. > Miko gave him a chance to answer, than tired another angle. ZRITH : Put the tires on at, like, *forty-five* degrees. That'd be cool. > Putting her hands on her hips, she said accusingly, > "Lets try it this way. W4: He has a small dinky? ZRITH: NO! > You knock the shit out me to show how powerful you are. Then you > finger fuck me for over an hour getting ready to hit me if I so > much as look like I'm enjoying myself. W4 : That's really stupid! ZRITH : Look, I know! I'm not the one that wrote the script, lady! > And yet not once do you try to stick it > in me! Most asses in that kind of situation have the girl > biting down on their meat, LYNX: And she knows this... how? TBS: She's a SEX NINJA! Weren't you listening?!? > but I didn't even see you reach under your iron boxers to > jack off!" LYNX : I'm insulted. TBS : This was only our first date! I didn't want you to think I was easy! W4: ...well, in Mr. Kahn's defense, I'd think a girl biting my meat off would be rather painful and unpleasant... > She closed one eye, and looked at him through a pinched > thumb and forefinger. W4 : I'm crushing your head! Crush crush crush! Take THAT, Emperor Flathead! > "What's the matter? Too much trouble trying to find it...?!" W4 : Look, I misplaced it somewhere! S.D.: This is smart. LYNX: This can only end in fire. TBS: Whoa. Deja vu. LYNX: Huh? > Thunder exploded about the room and lightning arced > between the enraged Emperor's fists. VID : YEAH? Well, so what if it IS? > "HOW DARE YOU!!!!!" > > "Miko..." Fubuki gasped. Yaku made ready to help her but > Maria put a restraining hand on her shoulder. Covered > Fubuki's eyes as she herself turned away. TBS: ...wait, wait, are we supposed to buy this as the beginning of Miko's noble battle against Shao Kahn? ZRITH: Pretty much. TBS: ...I hate this story. > "You've done all that you can, the rest is up to her..." > > "Insolent, worthless whore!! I have taken enough of your > prattle! You would mock my power?! TBS: I have to say it. VID: No, Snot. TBS: I can't help it. ZRITH: Resist, boy. TBS: I...I can't... LYNX: Oh no. TBS : WHY MUST THEY LAUGH AT MY MIGHTY SWORD? > Feel it now as I send you all to hell!" He raised his burning hands > above his head, "DI-" W4 : -ANA, PRINCESS OF WALES! TBS : -DI, ANU, DIANU DIANU! > His armored loin protection bounced to the arena floor > with a clank. VID: This is one beam super I DON'T want to see. W4: It's Captain Cockshooter to the rescue! > The higher abilities of martial arts such as projecting > chi, like the arcane arts, not only require the power, but > the strictest form of concentration to use. TBS: It's like seeing something in those Magic Eye pictures, but different! > If this is not present, then even the most potentially potent > become the opposite. S.D.: The opposite of 'potent' is 'impotent'... [beat] Shoot me. [VID obligingly chambers a round in his Fuerstenburg.] S.D.: ...I didn't mean that literally. > And since concentration translates to willpower, > and willpower to confidence, any disruption can unhinge > this delicate balance of power and will. LYNX: Oh, sure. NOW the author worries about credibility. ZRITH : See? This isn't just mindless sex! It's a martial arts thriller! > An example of this would be the sudden revelation of a hidden secret... TBS: ...so Shao Kahn loses his superpowers when you point out that he has a small weenie. W4: We should see if that works on Bill Gates. > No matter how small. [S.D. rimshots.] > The elriched energies Kahn had gathered fizzled to nothing > as he felt a sudden breeze... [TBS reaches up as a crane lowers an acoustic guitar to him. TBS takes the guitar and begins to play.] TBS : The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind... the answer is blowin', in the wind. VID: ...I don't know whether to hit you or congratulate you. ZRITH: Or both. VID: Or both. > Also of note are the many techniques of sex craft. ZRITH: No arguments here! > As stated before, it's use can lead to the most devastating > of results. And while Shao Kahn's mental control was > shattered, it was only temporarily. If physically attacked, TBS: Are we talking about the same thing here? > his need for survival would supersede his > current humiliation. LYNX: Unless said physical attack were aimed you-know-where. TBS : So, as you can see, I'm clearly explaining why bathroom humor is utterly defeating Shao Kahn, and that makes it not stupid at all. NOT-AT-ALL. > What was needed to defeat him now was a psychological assault, one for > which it would take days for him to recover. If ever. Unfortunately, > there was no such sexual skill in the sex craft arsenal. W4: Well...so much for THAT fighting art. S.D.: Can't even take down a nerd, let alone an Outworld Emperor. Sheesh. > There was never a need for one. TBS: So... Miko and friends are pretty much screwed, then. > Though the long ago creators of sex craft had wished, like the > Karma Sutra, TBS: "Karma" Sutra? W4: For those that want to practice "yin"tercourse. TBS: Anything for a "chi"ip thrill, I suppose. > the act was far too old for them to take credit for. And > they had never tried to imitate it. One did not fix what > was not broken in the first place. TBS: One did not let the audience know what one was talking about, for that made one's bullshit seem cool and mystical. > It was refined however. > > Miko's laughter began as a simple snicker, then a poorly > restrained giggle and finally erupted about the echoing, LYNX : [snickers] I get it now! It should be "All your bases belong to us!" How silly of me! > sound favoring chamber as a guffaw as she pointed a finger to Kahn. ZRITH: ...and then Kahn roasts them all to nothingness, right? Please? > Maria, Fubuki and Yaku soon supplied a background > giggling chorus that only sharpened the edge of Miko's > retorts as they cut into the Emperor with a visible > effect. Zrith: He then kills them, right? *Right*? > His shoulders collapsed in a slump as Nin-Nin > joined in. Even Sheeva added her voice, stopping in the > throws of tongue induced passion, to snort. TBS: POINT! AND! LAUGH! W4: And then... Shao Kahn wet 'em. > Upon hearing this most foreign of sounds in this, the > heart of the most foulest of domains, Scorpion and > Sub-Zero halted in their act to see what was the cause. VID : They are laughing at Shao Kahn and his tiny thingy? S.D. : Pretty much. VID : Perfect time to get a Slurpee! > Their uniforms had been reduced to scarves about their > necks, and save for that and their masks which they still > wore, LYNX: Well! Kinky. > the pair's well muscled frames were bare for all to > see. Gleamed with the sweat of their passions. VID: I, for one, am grateful that we were spared the intimate details of their carnal tryst. ALL (except S.D.>: ENT! S.D. : ...ick. > "Boy, even just out of the freezer I'm not that small!" TBS: Ha-ha! See, 'cause it's Sub-Zero and an ice joke and... and I feel like crying right now... > "Oh behave! Get over here... big boy..." > > "whatever you say... hot stuff..." [VID blasts the books labeled, "Mortal Kombat Canon."] TBS: Man, Tobias and Boon are rolling in their graves right now. ZRITH: Dude. They're not dead. TBS: Well, let's bury them, then. S.D. : You know what? I'm starting to feel better. GUNTER : Thaaa-bibbitabibbitabibbitabib-that's all, folks! [S.D. screams and her head begins to go around in full circles again.] MMK.o.D. : Hee hee! ZRITH: Aw, for fuck's *sake*. [LYNX clamps her hands on either side of S.D.'s head, holding it steady. S.D.'s twitching eventually subsides and she slumps down in her seat, clearly very unhappy.] > With an effort, Miko stopped laughing thankful of the > newfound lover's unintended assist. She detested the idea > of her finishing move: rolling on the ground and laughing > so hard she''d pee. TBS : Hmm...uhh... Aah! ...Nope. That one's not listed as a valid move. ZRITH: I remember that was a finishing move in Primal Rage. [Silence.] ZRITH: The peeing, guys! The PEEING! W4: It's also her mother's finishing move. [Silence.] VID: Let's never speak of this again. TBS: Yes. Let's halter this line of thought. VID: Snooooooot.... > But was still tempted. Only the fact > that the act would have gone unnoticed by her target made > her collect herself. There was such a thing as overkill. VID: Like... for example... oh, I dunno... THIS ENTIRE STORY? S.D.: I've heard of overdrive for guitarists--which can be good --but this is nuts. > Shao Kahn was less than a shadow of his former self. While > his body was whole and untouched, still the same mass of > muscles, TBS: So that's what it's called now. > it now looked an ill fitting suit on the tyrant. > Jaw slacked, shoulders hunched with drooping arms and bent > out knees, he looked deflated and gutted. TBS: He may be a heartless, tyrannical bastard, but he still needs love. W4: If you prick Shao Kahn, does he not bleed? [TBS snickers.] W4: What? TBS: Nothing. > More a jester than an emperor. His head jerked mechanically down to look > to his groin then up again to Miko and the others. LYNX: Should we be feeling any sympathy any time soon? Guys? > Then he fell back in the direction of his throne, missed, and > landed on his ass. W4: Which he had brought in for the purpose... of... Oh, come ON! Where's the remote? ZRITH: I'm not in the mood. W4: Well, give it here, then! ZRITH: No. > Now from on high, he was a despondent > toddler as looked down upon from over a crib's rim. S.D.: Does Shao Kahn want his blankie-wankie? W4: I gotta give this guy some credit. He takes a stand and doesn't care how he writes about people, nor what they're doing. TBS: Bet five bucks that he'll be the first one against the wall when Outworld conquers Earth. W4: ...bet. > "..." he whimpered in a mumble. LYNX: Well, now, *that's* certainly a phrase that you won't hear anywhere else. > "Sorry," Miko asked as a parent might a child who had said > an ill word. Soap ready to wash out their mouth, "I didn't > hear that..." ZRITH : I said, "...!" S.D. : Ooh, you just keep talkin' like that, if you don't want to play with your friends tomorrow! > "Go!" Kahn huffed sounding as though near tears, "Leave my > realm and never return!" he head fell from sight with a thud. LYNX : Curse this detachable head! VID : I'd lose my head even if it WERE attached! S.D.: Shao Kahn would have been a real problem for French revolutionaries. > Miko lowered her head in exhaustion then dropped to her > knees. Maria came up behind her silently, knelt and W4: Ah, shoot. Here it comes again, guys. > put her head to her daughter's. "Miko-chan," she asked > softly, "Lets go home? Ne?" Miko nodded and Maria helped her up. > > Then she herself stumbled. S.D. : I hurt my ankle! Eeek! > "Okasan!" Miko cried with concern. Fought to keep both her > and her mother on their feet. Fubuki came up and took the > weakened Queen from under an arm. ZRITH: So she cheats at cards, too. She's cheaper then I thought. > Miko went under the other. Steady now, she smiled to both. VID: ...at the same time? What a feat. > "I'm okay musume," Maria's smile glowed, "I'm just glad > that I found both of you. Again..." VID : I'm so happy to see you, I could just pratfall. > Sheeva came like a banshee. Nin-Nin chuckled. Then burped. TBS: In some cultures, burping after a meal is a compliment to the chef-- [A pause. VID looks at TBS half-heartedly.] VID: And? TBS: ...and this is the point where you should be shooting me. VID: Don't want to. TBS: Please? VID: Do it yourself. GUNTER : I think this means we're winning. VID: Shut up. > "Nin-Nin!" Miko chided then asked anyone in general, "How > did that happen?" W4: Silly girl. And you're starring in a lemon? > "Clitoris pinch attack." Maria answered, [LYNX and S.D. wince noticably.] > "The creature chased him out of the arena and into a number of > rooms, as Nin-Nin tells it. At one point she had him cornered and > was about to crush him when he used it." ZRITH : Cootchie cootchie COO! LYNX : !!! > "But it's suppose to make you come so hard it knocks you > out. A master can kill with it." LYNX: Killing someone with sex. Kinda ironic, don't you think? VID: First person to make the same bloody Alanis Morrisette reference *again* will die. ZRITH: And, personally, after this fic I could die a happy man if I never heard the word "irony" *ever* again. > Yaku commented. Then added, "Plus it's a top-level skill, how did he > learn it?" ZRITH: A Game Shark? > "Mother's notes probably. TBS: Eeee-YEWWWWWWWW! Bleh! LYNX: I don't see what the problem is. TBS: Can you imagine reading something like that and knowing that your *mother* wrote it? [A beat.] LYNX: Okay, I see what the problem is. Eee-yew. > And he didn't. Either he got it > wrong, or she hasn't had sex in some time. Regardless, he > put her in heat and she''s fallen in love with him." TBS : Well, if you translate "love" into "incessant wave of horniness" and take away the commitment and devotion thing. VID: I'll bet *he* feels privileged. > The Imp''s arms and legs flailed about madly as the > giantess attempted to shove his head into her sex. > > "Lust anyway..." Maria corrected herself. W4 : No difference. Same thing. > "It was a good thing too. S.D.: Martha Stewart, Sex Goddess. TBS: Eee-yew. > I doubt I could have gotten Kyoko, much less > myself, past the guards or found you three." > > "K-Kyoko?" Yaku asked as she replaced Miko at Maria's arm. TBS: That poor school nurse doesn't get any breaks, does she? W4 : Wait your turn, Kahn. > Gesturing to a small bundle that quietly lay by Sheeva and > had gone unnoticed, Fubuki''s adoptive mother looked to > her, and then to Miko and announced, "She''s your sister. TBS : Yeah, well, and I'm your father! [sticks tongue out] S.D. : She doesn't move much. Just kind of ignore that. > We're taking her with us..." LYNX : I'll take it with me, when I go. > The two silently absorbed this news for a moment, then > smiled warmly. ZRITH: That's right! You, too, can hold your family reunions at Flynt Enterprises! LYNX: ...co-sponsered by Outworld Co. > "Konnichi wa, aisuru imoto," Miko addressed the bundle > with a gentile, soft voice and gave a delicate bow, "I''m > your older sister Miko." ZRITH : Buenos dias, bambino! TBS : Pamplemousse! > "I''m your older sister Fubuki." She said duplicating > Miko''s gesture as Maria stood on her own. Tears in the > corner of her eyes, "It''ll be nice to have someone to push > around for a change..." ALL: FRESH BLOOD! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA! > Yaku' paltered to the floor and she gave her respects. > "And I''m Yaku... I know we'll be the best of friends..." VID: GET ON WITH IT! > Introductions made, Sheeva was calmed down, a grateful > Nin-Nin gave them thanks, and they made to leave. VID : We have got to get-- TBS: --THE FUCK! VID : --out of this trap! > Then Maria stopped, put a hand on Miko''s shoulder. > Daughter looked to mother. > > "Miko-chan... Finish him." > > Miko looked up to the ledge and the ego-whipped Emperor. > Through unseen, she could hear him grumbling. S.D. : I told them to stop after "Mortal Kombat 2," but they INSISTED that their run button would revolutionalize the game... Idiots... VID : ...mumble...mumble...unappreciated...mumble ...mumble... unloved...mumble mumble...underpaid...mumble mumble...no control of my fighting lifestyle... > "Okasan... there is nothing left to finish. Killing him > now might be a mercy." ZRITH: He'd get out of this fic. VID: That's all he can ask for, really. > Hands upon Miko''s shoulders, Maria looked about the arena > and it's grotesque walls made from the dead. Shao Kahn''s > limitless victims. VID: This is the room of the IRS building that they hope you never see. > Unwilling symbols of his impudent might. > > As was the horrid spire it rested in... LYNX : Let's kill his interior decorator instead. ALL : Aye. > Miko did as her mother and when she finished, looked to > her again. TBS, W4: She DID HER MOTHER? VID: Guys, you're not even trying anymore. TBS: Oh, yeah, as opposed to *your* inspiring show of sticktoitiveness. VID: Shut up. TBS: You're not even trying anymore. VID: Shut *up*. TBS: That's a bit better. > Maria''s eyes were now on Miko''s youngest, and > late, sister. Her remains were slung under one of Sheeva''s > many arms without care or reverence by an impromptu strap. LYNX: Boy! I wish *I* had a sister that didn't move at all and could be carried home in a bag! S.D. : This is my sister, Corpsey! She's so fun! Yippie! > Daughter saw her mother's pain at currently lacking the > strength to carry such a light load. ZRITH : Shut UP! It's HEAVY! > When Maria looked to Miko again, tears where silently running down > her cheeks. Miko smiled in understanding. TBS: They have GOT to be gulping Gatorade between paragraphs. That's the only way to explain all these fluids coming out of them without them dehydrating. W4: Yeah, and people are always complaining about how they don't have enough to drink... but if we have anime women that can remotely produce large quantities of-- [VID shoulders his gun and coughs audibly. W4 shuts up.] ZRITH: Thank you. VID : What? I have a cold. > Maria caringly cradled her daughter's face with her hands, > softly kissed her on her forehead, then walked to Fubuki, > Yaku and the others. The two ninja girls, with knowing > glances to each other, guided Sheeva and themselves into a > protective couch. S.D. : I'm sorry. We're all out of protective couches. ZRITH : It's okay. I'll just JUMP INTO THE NEGA-X ZONE! > Made her reposition the bundle she > carried to her lap while Nin-Nin snuggled between the > monster''s breasts. LYNX : Happy happy comfy couch... > With a mystified, put content look, the > giantess hooked an arm round each of the women''s waists. > Maria gave Miko a nod of approval. S.D. : Nope. Ain't no way this could get goofier. > "SHAO KAHN!!" Miko shouted as she strode back to the > arena''s center, "Emperor of Outworld! Face me!!" W4 : BEHOLD MY MONSTROUS EYE BOOGERS! > Slowly, a skull helmeted head poked over the ledge's side. LYNX : ..Oh, and to your right--if you look quick-- you can see a rare, one-of-a-kind Shao Kahn! Please, don't feed him negative or derogatory remarks, but you can take all the pictures you like! > An exposed bottom lip quivered. "A... are you still here?? > I said you may leave... So begone!... please?" S.D. : I have a really big gun and I'm oozing a really contagious airborne death spore out of my skin. Just so you know. > "Monster!" she yelled as a hand shot up to the pink bow > that held her long purple hair in a tail, "This is for > Kyoko!...BLUE WIRLWIND ATTACK!!!" ZRITH: Spelling be damned! She's ANGRY! TBS : And this is for Jill Valentine! And Lara Croft! And Mei Ling! And especially for Joanna Dark! W4: And what about Scarecrow's brain? S.D.: And where in the world is Carmen Sandiego anyways, huh? VID: And who invited Ash and his little pocket monsters here in the first place? > ****** > > Liu Kang dropped into a leg sweep that felled two of the > advancing soldiers. TBS: It's like a vidcapture version of Tekken Force! > As he came up, the momentum of his > quicksilver movement S.D.: Meaning mercury which is, in itself, slow as molasses. ZRITH: Are you thinking again? S.D. : Nonsense! > poured into a backhand strike > that met the cowled face of a third. W4: Liu Kang IS the T-1000! > The remains of his > shattered nose exploding into his brain, Shao Kahn's > minion died instantly. VID: Then his body sort of shimmered in the air and faded away. > As the two downed men rose again to > fight--one meeting Kang's knee in the chin to put him back > down for some time-- W4: TIGER KNEE! > two more soldiers rushed to replace the dead third. VID : Quick! Please kill me! TBS : Yeah! The yaoi scene is almost upon us! STRIKE NOW! > "This is getting us nowhere!" Kang yelled the obvious to > his friends. LYNX: So they don't know where they're going... S.D: But they know where they've been? > Going into a spin kick that all but decapitated his current foe, W4: So it tabled him, barfed him, ejaculated him, emancipated him, mutilated him, contained him, refrained him, encountered him, based him, accessed him, wired him, verbed him, electrocuted him, mortified him, read him, talked him, exploded him, imploded him, searched him, transferred him, downloaded him, and barbecued him... ALL: --BUT DIDN'T DECAPITATE HIM! > he loosened a ball of chi ZRITH : Huh. He has chee powerz, just like me. Oh, and BTW... > that sent the new comers scattering. TBS: Tee hee! VID: What? TBS: Oh, there's just this drink called Chi where I'm from. VID: Zrith. Get the Glock. ZRITH: What Glock? > "At this rate, Kahn will be in Earth realm! S.D: And he won't have signed the visitor's book either! > And that girl's mother will be long dead..." > > Johnny Cage shadow TBS: Boxed with him, and scored a knockout in the third round. > kicked a guard into an advancing group, LYNX: A record *seventy* yards, beating the record set by the immortal Jack Dempsey. > bought enough time for a breather and to comment on the > odd note he heard in his friends voice. LYNX : Why, Liu Kang! Have you been taking singing lessons? > "Sounds like someone has a crush! Go for it dude!" TBS: Dude? W4: The part of Johnny Cage will be played by Ernest Reyes Jr. VID: Actually, that'd be pretty cool. W4: It would? VID: Yeah. Think about it. > As Liu Kang planted a foot into the groin of a solider who > believed himself sneaking up on the Earth defender, [All the guys cringe.] > he replied a bit testily, "It's not like that! I don't have > lust for children, like some people!" S.D.: That's not what Sakura told us, Liu Kang. > "Hey, what can I say!" the movie star responded as he > rather arrogantly tossed a curved ball of chi into the > recovering group of guards. W4: Ball four! Take a walk! LYNX : Man with four balls cannot walk! > Who promptly fell on their collective asses again. "I do > anything for my fans! TBS : All both of them! > Did you see the way that green hared chick looked at me?" S.D. : Yeah. A tint of disgust with a hearty dash of "fuck off and die." TBS : Yeah. She digs me. > Sonya Blade dropped into the hapless group of men and > finished them off with a flurry of merciless blows. W4: And then she returned to Conan so they-- ZRITH: That's Red Sonja. W4: Oh. So then she went back to the Russian prison to give Raskolnikov spirital strength to survive his prison term-- ZRITH: That's Sonia. W4: Oh. So then she joined the Liberation Army even though its leader killed the man she-- ZRITH: That's Sonja Schuled. W4: Oh. Then she released the PlayStation-2, and everyone made fun-- [ZRITH pulls out the remote and deactivates W4 again.] TBS: We never had that when Gavok started into it. VID: Call that an evolutionary advantage. GUNTER : By that reasoning, we're the highest form of life up here. [VID glares at the projectionists' booth and opens his mouth to protest.] MMK.o.D. : Yeah. We can drop elephants. [VID shuts his mouth.] GUNTER : And throw fire! [VID quietly turns back to the screen.] TBS: Call that an evolutionary advantage. VID: SHUT UP, Snot. > "Yeah," she commented going into a handstand and locked a > lone soldier's head between her legs, [TBS sighs dreamily.] > "I could see, 'harassment suit', all over her face!" There was a > sickening crunch TBS:...as the engineer pressed the red button, smashing the bagpipes. > as she flipped, then righted herself. > "God Cage, the poor kid has enough problems without you > hitting on her!" ZRITH : But I've got her in jinx! She should stop talking! > A rumbling sounded as a mountainous black man VID: Barret? ZRITH: Viscera? W4: Mr. T? TBS: Mark Henry? LYNX: That guy that hosts 'Big Shot?' S.D.: He's not all that mountainous. LYNX: Well, he's *kinda* tall. S.D.: Right. TBS: Now, his *mother*, on the other hand, was mountainous. S.D.: True enough. > brought a steeled fist of a metal arm LYNX: ...and a metal foot of a steeled leg... > down hard to the soft dead earth. VID: And if it wasn't dead before, it probably was now! [TBS plays a rimshot.] > "Lighten up Sonya, it's just Cage talkin!" Two > guards caught in the shockwave stumbled towards him. One > took an uppercut that sent him flying, while he grabbed > the other roughly by the face. "But you have to admit: > blonde was a totty!" LYNX: Since when is Jax British? TBS : Tea and crumpets! That blonde lass was quite the looker as sure as jack's-a-doughnut. W4 : I am a Real American, fight for the rights of every man... guv'nor! > "Jax!" > > "C'mon darlin'," Sonya's Special forces partner said > jokingly as he smashed the back of the man's head into a > nearby wall while looking at her with a grin. The skull > made a burst stain as it cracked open. "You know I only > have eyes for you!" VID : In a jar. > The body of a guard sailed by him suspiciously close. ALL : Sail cat! Sail cat! > "Hey!" > > Kitana's bladed fans danced in the air shredding an > unlucky soldier. One of her thigh high booted long > sensuous legs came down from a promoting kick. LYNX : Oh no, she isn't the next victim. Really she isn't. > "We have > other concerns than talking of childern!" she growled as > she fell into a stance and prepared for yet another wave > of attackers. TBS: They'll just keep on coming until you defeat the mothership, you know. ZRITH: And don't walk backwards then forwards again. That'll just bring all the dead ones back to life. > "It is a good thing you sent them home Liu > Kang. They are not even here, and still they distract us!" VID: They're doing a pretty good job of distracting themselves if you ask me. LYNX : And *smack* when we're done *punch* with this, I *kick* need to go to *slap* the grocery store to *slice* pick up some eggs and honey. > The princess of Outworld caught herself. Blushed. ZRITH: Killed. Sentence. > Even now she thought of the yellow hared child she had tried > and--to her surprise--failed to ambush. An odd uncertainty > swam in her mind as an even stranger warmth built in her > insides. VID: It's called acid reflux, Kit. Happens to us all. W4 : Wait... *that*'s not uncertainty... *BLARGH*! > Embarrassed at these feelings, she looked to the > others, especially to Kang, to see if they had noticed. LYNX: Oh, yeah. They were *all* staring. It's like a third head. > He too was getting ready for the new fight. ZRITH: Or as new of a fight as cut-and-paste allows for, anyway. > And like the others, he too thought of the strangely > tantalizing ninja girls. But not in the same way as his > friends. TBS : ...I wonder if they like margarine. > He had not sent away the girls because they might > prove a distraction--through they were that. S.D.: He had sent them home because they didn't have permission slips signed by their parents. > Indeed, they had proven themselves as warriors, and ninja, > by not only sneaking up on the veteran warriors, but > holding their own till the mistake was corrected. LYNX: That was never mentioned in any ninja movies I've seen. > Raiden had told him that the Demon Queen had a daughter, W4: And no, they could not go out with her. > a half breed on Earth with locks of purple hair, but he had not > expected to see her on Outworld. > > Nor to find the Thunder God so wrong... TBS : For the last time, two plus two is five for *very large* quantities of two! > She, as her companions, were the most lovely, charming and > oddly the most na•ve girls he had ever seen. In truth he > felt an attraction to the little demon princess almost at > once. LYNX: Positive and negative magnetic polarities will do this, yes. > But to hear Raiden speak of her: she was a base > creature who surrendered herself to anyone. TBS: Which is flowery author talk for "she's damn easy." > He knew his mentor to be heighty in his attitudes, but never > prejudiced. That would cost him some of his follower's > respect. VID : See if I worship *him* anymore. Stupid God. > It had already cost Liu Kang some allies. S.D.: And his record collection. W4 : NOT MY LOVIN' SPOONFUL ALBUMS! NOOO! > Apparently, Raiden had spoken to the girl's father in her > presence with the same air he had described the demon lord > to Kang. That along with Cage's leering glances and Jax's > off comments had jaded the girls attitudes: TBS: Oh, JADE! That's who they forgot! > They were more likely to fight them than the forces of Shao Kahn. > He had no choice but to send them away. And soon after, the > patrols began to find them. LYNX: But the patrols didn't have a search warrant, so they couldn't hold them. VID : Send them over to the apartment again. And this time, no toothpicks! > Besides, he held slim hope of saving the girl's mother. > What would it have done to her to see the woman's body > after being under the merciless care of Kahn's chef > lieutenant, Shang Tsung, after enduring so much? TBS: Besides ripping off his clothes and asking for seconds, that is. [A pause.] TBS: Oh come ON, people. VID: I'm brooding. Leave me alone. > Kang had seen the dark sorcerer's work far too many times. LYNX: Meaning, you know, once. > Nightmares of it woke him regularly. ZRITH : Only pushing will protect you from the terrible secrets of space! > Liu Kang cursed himself: It had not been his decision to make. VID: Of course not. He was only the leader. Who cares what he says? > She had made the journey to Outworld, that had said > even more about her abilities. W4: For she had obtained... A BUS PASS! > It had pained him to talk to her in such an insulting manner to make > her leave--he had even used some of the words Raiden had in describing > her--but he had done it anyway. TBS : Go away you demon whore scowl menacingly. S.D. : You're not supposed to read the stage directions! > Now, with this new onrush,he had seen not one, but two mistakes. ZRITH : Wow! I got mail from the Columbia House Record Club! VID : Well, there's one. ZRITH : Johnny, pass me your credit card for a second. LYNX : Sure, here. VID : *There* we go. > Not only could he have used three extra bodies--no, four, > he corrected. W4: No! No! Five! LYNX: Three, sir. W4: Three. Right. No! Four! S.D: And so on and so on. > The very strange little boy had introduced > himself in a rather shameful manner by jumping out of the > darkness and hugging Sonya by the chest and giggling after > introductions had begun. ZRITH: It wasn't the glomping of women that disgusted him, but... Sonya? [shivers] > The incensed woman fighter had quickly put him down with a > hard fist to the head. W4 : HARD KNUCKLE! > And though stunned, he had recovered quickly--apparently he > took many such blows. VID: Oh great. Now we got RyogaMKN in the mix... TBS : Nin-nin took the blow and flew into a pillar. He had the wind knocked out of him. > In apologizing for her servant, Liu Kang had seen the one > and only act of humility from the half demon princess in > their meeting. W4: Liu Kang apologized for her servant? LYNX: Maybe he's a she? TBS : Liu Kang is Einkhorn! Einkhorn is Liu Kang! [mocks vomiting] > When she had left, her soft brown eyes burned only with anger... W4 : Ooooooh la la... my soft-brown-burning-only- with-anger-eyed girl. SHA na na na na NA- VID: Yeah, yeah. > And resolve. He could see that if the Elder Gods > themselves had told her to go home, she would not. LYNX: And the Dream-quest of Unknown Kadath be *damned!* > And Liu Kang had sent her back out to wastes infested with Shao > Kahn's troops. TBS : Bring a scooper. > He and his comrades had already dealt with > many of the dreaded Emperor's elite warriors, but there > were still many to be faced. ZRITH : Hey! Abe Vigoda! > What chance did the girl's smaller party have against such > encounters? LYNX: Offhand, I'd say "Every chance in the world." S.D.: They had... [S.D. powerposes with a silver hammer.] ALL: THE SLEDGEHAMMER OF PLOT! > He may as well of cut their throats himself ZRITH: "May as well of." [ZRITH begins twitching.] TBS: Easy there. > than let Kahn's men have them. If they were lucky, they had died > quickly. If not... W4: Then they probably guessed that the plan was a favor, mutinied, and went to the Tenchi Muyo universe where they could have lesbian encounters with-- VID: Okay, brooding over. W4: ...I'll be good. > Liu Kang let out a primal frustrated roar and lunched himself TBS : SPLAH! VID : *Snot*... > at the suddenly terrified group of men before him. > In seconds, he had reduced them to nothing with such > ferocity, even his friends were stunned. The last unlucky > guard was rained upon by blow after blow. > > "Damn!" Jax said voicing the question of them all, "What > got into him?!" LYNX: This'd be where he flashes a can of spinach. > Bout of berserker rage subsided, Kang looked to Shao > Kahn's palace. It was still far away. W4 : And I was like, "fuck that, man." S.D. : ...what? W4 : Too *far*. > He gave the guard's broken body still more useless blows, [VID begins glaring angrily around the theater.] TBS: Heh. He's getting paranoid. > stopping only when the black giant put a hand to his friend's shoulder. > > "Hey Lu old pal, save some for the main event, huh?" S.D. : Can't talk. Pummeling. > Kang gave his comrade an accusing look that the big man > shied away from. Kneeling as if in defeat, he then looked > back to the castle. TBS: Yup. Still there. > "I'm sorry Miko. Looks like I can't even save your > mother..." ZRITH: Liu Kang is... WASTE-OF-FLESH MAN! > As if in reply, a section of the craggy spire exploded. W4: REWIND! GUNTER : Can do! [The screen goes backwards a bit.] ZRITH: W4, *what*-- W4: Watch this, watch this, this is gonna be cool. > "I'm sorry Miko. Looks like I can't even save your > mother..." W4 : "Mother?" That's our SECRET WORD FOR TODAAAAAY! [A large panel near the door lights up, reading "MOTHER," as flashing lights go off and everyone starts screaming.] ALL: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! > As if in reply, a section of the craggy spire exploded. TBS: Hee hee hee hee! W4: Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! TBS: Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! That *was* cool! W4: Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee heeeeeee! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. ZRITH : ...fast-forward. [The film progresses as normal.] MMK.o.D. : Dumbass. GUNTER : "That's our secret word for today!" Hee hee hee hee hee hee! > A sound not quite thunder reverberated across the ruined > cityscape plain as a mild wind came to life. The visible > distortion of a whirlwind wrapped itself about the gaping > hole and grew to swallow the entire fortress. LYNX: And God takes writing duties again. [ALL applaud.] > Like a sand castle hit by the coming tide, it began to crumble, > with a piece here or ledge there being ripped from it's > foundation. ZRITH: I call incorrect usage. S.D.: Well, you would. > And then, after what seemed an awe inspiring > eternity, the whole structure toppled in upon itself. The > impossible tornado then shrank and moved away from the > settling debris. VID: Now there's something you don't see everyday. LYNX: What are you talking about? Bad guys' castles collapse when they're defeated all the time! VID: But this one was self-cleaning. LYNX: [nods] Oh. > Something seemed to be still at it's center and was gently > coming down. TBS: Dorothy is in the hizouse! > "What the hell's that?" Johnny Cage asked in a low breath. W4: Special effect, dummy. > "I don't believe it!" Sonya exclaimed TBS : The way you look sometiiiiiimes! TBS, W4, LYNX, S.D. : Like a tram-pled flag on a city streeeet, oh yeah! > as she looked through small yet powerful binoculars she somehow > kept hidden on her tight formfitting uniform. > > "What? Let me see." Cage demanded reaching for them. [TBS shoves W4 and ZRITH aside.] TBS: I wanna see, too! [LYNX pulls him back and covers his eyes.] LYNX: Sorry. You're too young. TBS: Wha-! But S.D.'s-- LYNX: Shhhhh. There, there. > "Not in your dreams pervert!" Sonya growled as she yanked > away from his reach. Looking through them again, a rare > smile lit her face. "Lu, you aren't going to believe this!" TBS : I think it's Snoopy. ZRITH : I love Snoopy! > "What!" VID : WHAT?!? W4 : Whatchoo' talkin' 'bout, Willis? > "Beat it looser!" ALL: Ew. > The two soon argued like siblings over the device. TBS : You aren't leaving here. LYNX : And will you stop me, sister? I think not. You are weak. > It was obvious by Sonya's unheard of jovialness, that whatever > it was she had seen, it was good news. ZRITH : The password is 1692. Let's go. > And a redemption for a sin they all shared. VID : Next time a serpent offers us forbidden fruit, gang, we all say no. Got it? > Jax rubbed a cybernetic hand under his chin. ZRITH : Dude. Where'd the hell this come from? > "I have a feeling we're all going to be eating a good helping of > crow!" [A golden robot built from sporting equipment darts across the theater floor.] CROW: AH! HE'S GOING TO EAT ME! IT'S A COOKBOOK! IT'S A *COOKBOOK*! AAAUUUGGGHHH! [CROW runs off. LYNX puts an icepack on TBS's head.] TBS: What was that for? LYNX: We seem to have developed a new strain of the Crow Syndrome. > He looked to Liu Kang. "Got your appetite on my friend?" S.D. : Yes. W4 : Well, get it off her, then! [S.D. rimshots.] > The warrior smiled briefly. "After playing around here all > this time? Yes. I'm a bit peckish!" Then he stood adding > in all seriousness, "But I have a felling they're going to > need our help... if we are worthy enough to give it. Will > you two stop playing around!" > > "Oh-my-God!" Cage uttered as he at last had the > binoculars. Sonya made an attempt to get them back, then > gave up knowing it was a lost cause. "That's the mom?!?" VID : It's Florence Henderson! S.D. : No! It's Barbara Billingsley! TBS : Sandy Duncan! > A club from behind caught the lust-stricken action star on > the back of the head and put him out like a light. W4 : And that's another thing. Why is it, "*out* like a light?" Shouldn't it be, "*off* like a light?" > Later, Kitana would clam that one last thug had tried to > attack him and that she had intervened. But unfortunately, > his weapon got away from her. She couldn't apologize > enough for her lackness of skill... really, she couldn't... TBS : And no, that wasn't a veiled sexual encounter between the two. Get that thought out of your head. [ZRITH twitches.] ZRITH: ...*lackness*? > Nor could the others as it happened with regularity on the > way home once they met up with Miko and her family... > > ****** W4: Episode I does *not* deserve six stars! S.D: That's Epilog I, Woofer. W4: Then I withold judgement until Leonard Maltin sees it. > Fubuki and Yaku sat in the living room of the Mido > apartments recanting their tale to Miyu TBS: They denied their tale ever existed. > as she severed them tea and snacks. S.D.: With a knife. W4: Now showing on HBO, "Mortal Kombat: The Culinary Arts." > "So what happened when you met up?" the young TV actress > asked TBS : Well, he'd always insisted he was a twentysomething IT consultant, but... > as she set a fresh pot on the small table between > them. Sat down herself. ZRITH: Say *what*? TBS: You know! Like, "sit yourself down!" [Silence. ZRITH stares flatly at TBS.] ZRITH: ...thanks. TBS: Oh, don't mention it! > "We didn't meet up right away." Yaku explained, VID : ...there were the e-mails, the chat sessions, a couple of phone calls... > "People came to scavenge and found us. LYNX : However, we were under the legal limit, so they threw us back. > Got us some clothes and offered food." ZRITH : So the scavengers just gave you food and clothing? VID : I never said they were *good* scavengers. > "Yeah," Fubuki snorted. Poured herself a cup. "They helped > us after Nin-Nin's girlfriend smashed some heads!" TBS: Yeah, but they started it. > "They were trying to rescue us from her!" Yaku defended. TBS: ALPHA COUNTER! [YAKU, onscreen, glows briefly.] TBS: Whoa. > "As it turned out, there were rebels in the group. TBS: Rebel scavengers! W4: Watch me ignore this junkyard! LYNX: Swap meets are for sissies! TBS : "HECK!" said The Rebel! > They're the ones who gave us aid and told Princess Kitana > where to find us. She leads them." LYNX: Like dogs on a leash. TBS: I can see that working. > Miyu took a sip of her tea before asking, "I thought this > Liu Kang was in charge?" VID: What? That pansy? What gave you that idea? > "No," Fabuki said biting a cookie, "He's the defender of > Earth in some contest that happens a century or so. S.D. : He mentions his "animality" every five minutes. It freaked me out. > Kitana's some weird adoptive relation to Kahn he used to > get Outworld. ZRITH: Even in Outworld, stepchildren are treated like outsiders. > She wants him dead so she can fix everything." LYNX : I only wanted to fix everything. > "And now that's he's gone, she can do that, right?" TBS: After she does Dallas... VID: Snot, you're asking for explosive, injuring pain. [TBS gulps.] S.D.: There's another type? VID: Yes, but I didn't bring my toy ice cream scoop with me. > Yaku shook her head. "According to Kitana, he's not dead. S.D. : Liu Kang! I just saw Shao Kahn! W4 : Yes, dear. You saw him in your mind. S.D. : No, no! I saw him on the street! W4 : Yes, dear. The street in your mind. S.D. : Why don't you believe me? > She'd know. Besides, Miko's attack was focused on his > castle, not him. TBS : Maria told her to finish *him*, but did she listen? Noooooo... S.D. : Teenagers. They think they know *everything*. > He and his men got blown away. ZRTIH: Literally. > Probably buried under his palace. And we had to get out as soon as > possible." ZRITH: It was the little LCD style counter in the bottom right hand of the screen that tipped them off. W4: And the big head in the upper right side was nearly completely red. > "Yeah," Fubuki took over, "with Kahn missing, all of his > generals were looking to take his place. TBS : OOH! OOH! I want to be the short-willied blowhard who gets my butt kicked by naked chicks! > The fighting had already broken out by the time we got back > to the portal home." S.D. : I *told* them to keep out of the refrigerator until I got back, but noooo... > "Liu Kang had a time of convincing Kitana not to stay. > Said she was too vulnerable as a target right now." W4: Actually, Liu Kang's Christmas present was to blame. S.D.: The Royal Air Force T-shirt was a *real* bad idea. TBS : Bummer of a birthmark, Hal. > "But you could see the real reason he didn't want her to > stay," Fubuki leaned forward in conspritial gossip, "he's > sweet on her TBS: Translated from Sex Ninja speak, that's "he wants to shag her crazy." > but hasn't told her yet!" LYNX : I can't help it! Those long-distance bills are crazy! W4 : I've... just... gotta get a message to you-ouououuuu... > "The way she was looking at you," Yaku hid a smile with > her cup, "I'd say he has a problem." S.D.: [smirks] Oh-ho, she swings that way, huh? > Fubuki glared at her friend. "She was also giving him the eye! TBS : Hence, the melon baller! > She's got the real problem: she's suppose to be ten > thousand years old, LYNX: No big deal. Hook her up with Mel Brooks. > has virgin written all over her and > seems just now to have discovered men and women! [ALL wince.] TBS: Ten thousand years of cold showers. Erk. > Which reminds me," the ronin ninja [S.D. twitches.] > smiled evilly to her friend, "how was your movie star? W4 : He was a bit too well-done. I prefer them rare. > Did he use a stunt double or special effects?" TBS : He had Brad Pitt on speed dial. I didn't stand up for *days!* S.D. : I haven't been fucked like that since grade school! [Everyone gets very quiet.] S.D.: ...what? > "Movie star?" Miyu asked surprised, "Yaku-chan, I didn't > know you were dating someone new?" TBS : What happened to the old rich one? Or the one-armed one? Or that guy with the perpetual woody? LYNX : You forgot to mention that guy with the chronic sleeping disorder and the one with the wooden leg. TBS : Oh, yeah, Fubuki. Yaku certainly had weird dates. VID : ... I hate you guys. LYNX : Eew! Ugly naked guy! > "She's kidding!" Yaku answered with the cup still to her > mouth and an eyebrow cocked in irritation. "One of Kang's > friends-- TBS : --the warthog-- > -one of the Earth defenders--is that action star > Johnny Cage. You know the one: W4 : He was in _1941_, _Heaven's Gate_, and _Ishtar_. > they say he doesn't do his own stunts." S.D.: Yet, he *does* defend the Earth entire from extradimensional madmen. Let's *prioritize* here, people! [slaps fist into hand] TBS: Feh! Jackie *Chan* does both! > "Yeah... But Yaku-chan would do 'anything' for him!" her > friend giggled. VID : I'd lie for you, and I'd try for you, walk a mile for you, yeah, I'd die for you... > Yaku put her cup down and scowled. "So I use to like his movies! W4 : I especially enjoyed those films he made with Alan Smithee. > Damn leach! TBS: Yeah! *Damn* Robin Leach! He's a *punk bitch*! > It wasn't bad enough he kept pinching > me, but then he offered me money to..." LYNX : ...do what you usually do for free? > suddenly realizing what she was saying, the girl went silent > with burning cheeks. W4 : Boy, I'm glad he didn't see us in the emperor's court! TBS : Oh, dear. Please don't *mention* that. ZRITH: The part of Yaku will be played by either Jenna Jameson or Kasumi Tendo, depending on the scene. > A flash of sympathy crossed Fubuki's face, "You didn't > tell me that! TBS : I did, but I was sorta talking around your clit at the time. [A solid *click* sounds from right next to TBS.] VID: Die. TBS: Oh, dear. [A Church Key missile sends TBS flying to the back of the theater.] LYNX: Does *he* do all his own stunts? S.D.: Where would he find another short green guy? LYNX: Point. TBS : ...yay... point... > So that's why..." she looked to Miyu, and let the sentence die. ZRITH : Such inhumanity! That sentence could have been saved! Where's your compassion, people?! > "What? What happened?" Miyu asked anxiously now that some > real gossip was on the table. W4: And it was staining the tablecloth. > Then caught herself, put a closed hand to her mouth and coughed. > "Gomen..." she said embarrassingly. TBS : MYSTICAL NINJA~! LYNX : I just realized that I'm allergic to gossip. *coughcoughcough* > "He had an 'accident' walking down the steps from the > temple." Yaku said by way of confession. VID: Let that be a lesson to you. When confronting a demon lord, always go to the bathroom before hand. > Head lowered. "He broke his leg." W4 : Went to a vet. Got put down with the other horses. Was made into glue. > "You didn't notice what his friend's were doing?" [ZRITH shakes his head a couple times as if to clear it.] ZRITH: I think I need an eye test. LYNX: Me too. ZRITH: I mean, we *couldn't* have just read that. > Fubuki told her in way of comfort, "Every time he tried to hit on > Maria, 'someone' came out of nowhere, tossed something at > the back of his head, and 'disappeared'. LYNX: So Noob Saibot appeared in this after all. > He got the hint after bits of buildings started coming his way!" ZRITH: It's got to be God, trying His darndest to ensure that Johnny Cage doesn't breed. VID: Our Lord is a wise Lord. > Yaku, not use to true acts of vengeance, simply played > with her cup. TBS : Huh? I used to be a C, but now-- ZRITH: [blinks] Now... what? TBS: What? > "So they treated you with some respect?" Miyu asked trying > to change the subject. LYNX : Once we changed our names to DJ Deep, yes. ZRITH: So much respect, it was *burning!* > "I don't think they ever stopped. W4 : Rocked rocked 'till they dropped, rocked rocked to the top, they did. > I mean, once we got to know them, they where okay. Aside from Cage > that is." TBS : I mean, Sigil's got no idea of town planning! > Fubuki went on to describe Sonya and Jax. ZRITH : Sonya's the token hot babe that every fighting game has. Jax is a "skill" character, and... > While rather rigid, the woman seemed a kind soul. S.D: Like a triple-colour ice block. > And as for her black American partner, he just had a habit of > running his mouth. W4: And he was hu... no, too easy. ZRITH: Chris Tucker has a lot to answer for. S.D. : Which one o'y'all kicked me? > When Liu Kang's group had been told of Kyoko, Jax > had taken the duty of carrying her body from an unfeeling > Sheeva at once. VID: What that has to do with him running his mouth is beyond me. ZRITH : So, lil' kid, you dead now, huh? Well don't you worry, 'cause you goin' to a better place now, where you don't have to worry about parking meters no more. VID: Forget I asked. > He, as Sonya and Kang, had even introduced themselves to her. LYNX: You know, in his off hours, Jax is a member of an improv troupe. S.D.: That'd explain a lot. > Miyu smiled at the memory of seeing the strangers at the > child's funeral. ZRITH : Heh heh. That was cool. > Kyoko's ashes had been laid somberly in the Mido family plot with clan > elders in attendance as well as her new family and friends. LYNX: Which must have been a confusing affair, since no one knew who Kyoko was until AFTER SHE WAS DEAD. W4: Eh, you know how those things go. Most people just show up to get drunk and carry on old feuds. > While it was unknown what fate had truly befallen her mother, and > her old name unknown, for now and for ever she was Kyoko Mido, beloved > daughter of the clan. TBS: That's sorta sweet, actually. Nice touch. VID: ...not that it *excuses* anything, mind. > That had been this morning, only three days after their return. > > For a long moment, the three--hours ago changed from > funeral attire-- S.D.: Now they were in nightgowns. Later, they would bake brownies and talk about boys. TBS: Then they argue about hockey teams, flip hats off of each other, and start lightly wrestling. Then I vomit. LYNX: Well, if you have a plan. TBS: Formatted through experience. LYNX: Uh-huh. TBS: No, I mean *really*. > sat in silence around the coffee table. VID: Then Chandler, Joey, and Ross walked in. > Then Miyu noted that their story was not complete. ZRITH : ...and there... hanging off the door handle... was a HOOK! [LYNX and S.D. shriek in delighted terror.] > It had been hectic for all till her new but unknown youngest > sister had been put to rest, and there were facts still > missing. TBS: Colonel Mustard in the Library with the... um... the revolver! [TBS mimes checking an envelope.] TBS: Well, crap. > With only a hint of guilt she asked directly, > "Why is Maria still here?" ZRITH: Because she's here. Roll the bones. W4 : She hasn't met her "violated by nasty shit" quota for the week. > As part of her pledge of love to her King, and her duty as > the Shikima Queen, Maria was supposedly never allowed to > return to Earth. S.D.: Pfft. Titania never lets that one stick. VID: It's Shikima, not Faerie. S.D.: Whoops. > Even the portal spell from the temple had > been bent by this promise: Both rescue parties had found > themselves not only in the realm of the Shikima, but > before King Seikima in his throne room! TBS: The part of the Seikima King will be played by Dwayne Johnson and two million dollars' worth of CGI. W4 : Nobody invited *me* to host the MTV Movie Awards! > "It was actually tense for a couple of minutes." Fubuki > explained, "I mean, Liu Kang and his friends were > followers of Raiden, and the Thunder God had done nothing > but talk shit to the King's face! TBS : Excrement excrement excrement! LYNX : What are you- TBS : EXCREMENT? Excrement excrement? S.D.: ...you know what? That'd be a *bitching* Pokemon. VID: No, it wouldn't. Shut up. > His guards were looking for payback!" W4: Tell them not to bother. It's not one of Mel's best works. ZRITH: He shouldn't've deviated from the director's original vision. > Yaku was recovered from her guilt. "But Miko spoke up > before anything happened. You should have seen her > Miyu-chan! She was every bit a clan leader and a princess! VID : Specifically, she waited in a castle for an Italian plumber to rescue her. S.D. : But by the time he got there, she was in another castle. > By the time she was done, enraged guards were kicking at > pebbles for not showing Liu Kang proper respect for what > he and his friends had done for their Queen!" S.D.: There were pebbles in the throne room? TBS: Shao Kahn had an arena throne room. Seikima has an Eastern garden throne room. W4: Personally, I have an Olive Garden throne room. I get all the minestrone I can eat! > "And then to cap it off," Fubuki let in, "Liu Kang stepped > up to apologize for Raiden!" LYNX : And that's when Raiden shot lightning into Liu's ass! It was funny! > Miyu's tea, as was the others, was now cold and ignored. TBS : I feel so... lonely. > "I bet this Raiden would have been pissed to hear that!" > > Both girl's looked to her, smiled and said as one, "He was!" LYNX : Can we play "Truth or Dare" now? > Liu Kang had not even started to bow to King Seikima when > the Thunder God exploded into existence. VID : Holy spontaneous conception, Batman! W4 : Sweaty clothes plus wheat equals... MICE! ZRITH: You better believe that Raiden's a supporter of the Big Bang Theory. > Trying not to admit he had been listening, Raiden showed no anger > at Liu Kang, S.D. : You and I are going to have a *talk* when we get home, young man... > but at the Shikima King. Accusing him of trying to > steal and corrupt his follower, he let into a tirade. ZRITH : He's MINE to thrash! MINE! > Insulted not only the King, but his Queen and daughters. ZRITH : Bored not only the audience, but casual readers and MSTers alike. TBS : EXCREMENT EXCREMENT EXCREMENT! > With descriptions of bolts being tossed about the chamber, > both Yaku and Fubuki drifted off to melodramatic silence. TBS : Crackling electricity! Blue electricity! > "AND!" Miyu almost screamed. W4 : Will you quit trailing off, mister narrator sir? > Liu Kang stepped between the Thunder God and the Demon > King before they came to blows. VID : All right! I want a good, clean fight! ZRITH : None of this! Or this! Or this! Or this! Or this! > "That is," Yaku grinned, "He stepped before the Demon King > and faced the Thunder God..." ZRITH : Dude... your hat. It's so twelve dynasties ago. > If Raiden had been angry, Liu Kang was furious. He had > seen what the so called higher god had called whores were > capable of. TBS : Look, they can do the Cambodian cigarette trick. You do *not fuck* with the Cambodian cigarette trick. > Fighting with them--fighting beside them back > to the portal had shown Kang that he would be proud to > have anyone of them by his side. W4 : ...or in his bed. TBS : ...or on his desk. LYNX : ...or right there, on the floor. > By themselves, they had not only done what they had set out to do, but had TBS: ...done everyone-- VID: Don't try me. TBS: --out of their life savings through Amway. VID: You sorely vex me, child. TBS: And you know you love it. [He ^_^s.] > all but shattered Shao Kahn's empire. If he and his friends had > been with them, they certainly would not have endured the > hardships they had. S.D.: What about our hardships? ZRITH: We get a snack bar. S.D.: Point, that. > They may even have ended Kahn's evil > once and for all. LYNX: Sadly, the full weight of Freudian psychiatry stands against the likelihood of *that*. > Shame crossed Fubuki's face as she said, "Kang was calming > down enough for Raiden to get a word in, so he dropped a > bomb: W4 : I'm pregnant! > he had seen the whole thing! He not only told Kang > that we--I--had set him up with the patrols, he showed > him..." LYNX : Let me call your attention to the Titantron... > He had gone on to show the highlights of what Miko and her > friends had done to save Maria. TBS : *Step* right up, watch these *lovely* ladies take on all comers in a no-holds-barred display of the arts of love! You must be eighteen, pay at the door. > He had even showed Miko's molestation by Shao Kahn. LYNX: ...which was released to video a week later to Shuttle Japan. > "Cage was drooling right along with most of the court!" > Fubuki commented. VID: The rest of the court being Alaskan huskies. W4: Then Buck and Spitz started fighting. It was messy. > Raiden had finished with a summary that only voiced his > first opinion: ZRITH : I have GOT to deal with my porn addiction. > the Shikima and the Miroku were nothing but whores... TBS : Doin' it like they do on the Dis-cov-er-y... uh... pores, lores, doors... *fuck*! W4: But if they don't charge for it, wouldn't that make them simple, humble sluts? [scratches head] > And Liu Kang replied by hitting him across the jaw! LYNX : This is for the last three _Highlander_ movies! > He had known all of this, save Fubuki's dangerous prank, > because Maria had told him! VID : Tattletale! Tattletale! LYNX : I don't think Shao Kahn's right for my daughter. TBS : Well, I don't know. He's an evil overlord. That's a job with some serious perks. > She had told him of Kahn's plot, Shang's tortures and S.D.: ...Scorpion's special recipe for barbequed chicken. > the technique her daughter had used to beat the Emperor. W4: Rock-paper-scissors! Winner takes all! > She had done so without shame > (Yes, he chuckled at the loin bit...), ZRITH : Ha ha! He has a small weenie! > and while shocked, he had listened without judgment. W4: What a swell guy. ZRITH: He must be very understanding to not be jealous. VID: He must be very strong-willed to not be nauseous. LYNX: I envy him. [Pause.] TBS: And yet this is the same man who indulges in frequent animality. VID: Will you *drop* the animality jokes already? > Commenting that the Thunder God must have been pleasuring > himself at their torment at that time, ZRITH : Beano comics and old Enid Blyton! Oh, joy! > Kang added that even the trick was easily forgiven because > the cause had been their own prejudice. Prejudices HE had > given them! TBS: Religion leading to prejudices? Nawww! Perish the thought! VID: HEY! > If Miko and companions had been lesser warriors, their blood > would be on his hands as well as Raiden's. S.D: As it was, they only got a few flecks of spit and some pus on their hands. ZRITH: And some... other liquids entirely. > Not only that, but the Shikima realm would have been > lost, with Earth to follow. LYNX, S.D. : They saved Earth with the Nookie! TBS, VID, W4, ZRITH : Yeah! LYNX, S.D. : The Nookie! TBS, VID, W4, ZRITH : Yeah! LYNX, S.D. : The Nookie! TBS, VID, W4, ZRITH : Yeah! LYNX, S.D. : So you can take that Raiden-- TBS, VID, W4, ZRITH : Yeah! LYNX, S.D. : And blow him out your-- TBS, VID, W4, ZRITH : Yeah! LYNX, S.D. : Blow him out your-- TBS, VID, W4, ZRITH : Yeah! LYNX, S.D. : Blow him out your-- TBS, VID, W4, ZRITH : Yeah! > All because Raiden, Guardian God of Earth realm and Liu > Kang's mentor, who had told him many a time to look beyond > appearance and follow your heart, was a purist bigot! VID: This was a bad thing, mind you. TBS : Ahh! Ahh! You're persecuting me! Help! I'm being persecuted! I'm going to be forced to move to America and have dinner with the natives! > "Ouch!" Miyu winced, "I wonder what it feels like to be a > god and have your number one disciple tell you off?" TBS : You never let me borrow the car, Dad! W4 : Let there be groundation. > As humiliating, and insulting, as it sounded. VID: Before the sentence found a predicate, the author. > "It was Shao Kahn and his little wee-wee all over again." > Fubuki answered. "Almost..." LYNX : But without Shao Kahn. TBS : Yeah. LYNX : And without Shao Kahn's penis. W4 : Well, yeah. LYNX : So it really wasn't at all like Shao Kahn's little wee-wee. TBS : It was a perfectly good analogy until you killed it! LYNX : Like Shao Kahn and his little wee-wee all over again. TBS : Yeah, well, screw you too. > Several levels past anger, VID: He used his Super Art and got thirteen hits. > the truth and near cost of his crime hit him harder than Kang's > punch. Still too arrogant, he made an attempt at a round about > apology to all concerned. LYNX : Fine. I'll just blame it on Kabal 'cause he wasn't in the story. S.D. : Come ON! I was in the shower! > Began giving King Seikima a level of respect. Somewhat. VID : Now apologize to King Seikima, Raiden. ZRITH : Fine. King Seikima, I'm sorry that your wife and children are whores. VID : Now that's bet--HEY! > And to the shock of everyone, the Shikima King accepted > the meager offering! TBS: And he went away with a new chicken. > All but bowing and scrapping as bread crumbs of gratitude > were thrown at his feet, Seikima gave better than he got, > feeding Raiden's ego TBS : Who the god, man? Who the *god*?! You the GOD! W4 : Stop that, you're making me blush. > and getting chummy with him. W4: So he cut him up into little pieces and fed him to sharks? VID: No. W4: But they said... VID: No. W4: But doesn't chummy mean...? VID: NO! W4: Meanie. > While most of the court seemed ashamed at this kow-towing, his > closest advisers knew better. So did Maria, who got Miko, > as well as the others, out from ground zero. W4: HE'S A BOMB! TBS: HE'S GONNA BLOW! W4: FIRE IN THE HOLE! [W4 and TBS hide behind their seats.] > "Let's just say the God of Thunder lived up to his > name..." Hinted Fubuki. ZRITH: 'Twas the beans. > "I only thought people flew that high in cartoons!" Added > Yaku. LYNX: ...Okay. I missed something. S.D.: We all did. ZRITH: I think Lina Inverse snuck on set and hit him with a Dill Brando. TBS: Or maybe they used the Raiden-apult they were saving for a special occasion. > "And when he came down..." Fubuki grimaced. Rose up in her > sitting position a bit and left it at that. W4: So when he came down he stood up? Is this a mime round? VID: And why is Rose in this fic? > "What?" > > "And they say I'm a screamer..." Yaku added. TBS : Well, yes. You are. W4 : Hush, dear, not in front of guests. > "What!" LYNX : I SAID, "AND THEY SAY I'M A SCREAMER DOT DOT DOT!" > "You are a screamer Yaku-chan. You know how I love to hear > you 'sing'!" Yaku stuck her tongue out in reply. TBS: I hate it when the story pre-empts my riffs. W4: After-emps in this case. TBS: I still hate it. > "Will one of you two tell me what happened when Raiden > came..." comprehension dawned on Miyu's face. "You don't > mean...?" S.D : Yep! He came around the mountain wearing pink pajamas while riding six white horses when he came! > Both nodded as Miyu's cheek's blushed. Then Fubuki added, > "The King was up and ready to catch him." TBS : The little King was up... *way* up! S.D. : He had this giant marshmallow that he also used to catch Peter's puppies and cans of worms. > "Ech!" Miyu sat up in sympathy. Then said, "So Seikima and > this Raiden are... W4 : I didn't know Seikima swung both ways. TBS : They're getting hitched in the fall. [A pause.] TBS : Hehehe, fall... [Others groan.] > you know... so Maria got some time off?" > > No. VID: No, no, I see this as being painfully *wrong* up ahead... TBS : For I, the narrator, forbid it! ZRITH : No yaoi for you! [S.D. shudders.] S.D. : ...ick. ZRITH: Oh, right. Sorry. > With the applause of the court still sounding at the > King's lancing skill, S.D.: It's like skeet shooting, 'cept not. > A bowl-legged and humbled Thunder > God departed in search of a snow capped mountain. TBS: Nine out of ten male anal same-sex rape victims prefer snow-capped mountains. W4: A further sixty percent prefer katanas to chainsaws. > While displeased at the act of retribution, the open minded Liu > Kang let it go S.D. : ...not that it's a bad thing, mind you. > while both Cage and Jax wished they had had > something for that photographic moment. VID: I'm uncomfortable with the concept of one's God being buggered qualifying as a Kodak moment. > Sonya was strangely silent and giving a smile Fubuki was > jealous of. TBS : Can't forget the ghost... of your smile... > The Earth realm defenders were sent home with Yaku and > Cage's misstep had happened soon after. VID: Um, author, are you actively taking writing lessons from the SNK USA translation department? W4: All your base-- VID, LYNX, ZRITH: THAT JOKE'S OLD ALREADY! W4: Awww. > Miko spent time with her parents and helped introduce Kyoko > to her Father who received her with sincere warmness. LYNX : Dad, meet our dead imaginary sister. W4 : It doesn't faze me when you have sex with demons, but THIS is freaky. > Fubuki got reacquainted with some old 'training' partners and when > she got back after exhausting them, Maria was making ready > to return home with her three daughters. S.D: But they couldn't go back to Earth. LYNX: They mean their home in Seikima. S.D: That isn't a home. That's Hugh Hefner's wet-dream holiday land. > Kahn had her for almost two days, the longest she and > Seikima had been apart. But in her absence, the King could > only feel her closer to him. ZRITH : You tortured my wife and damn near killed her. [sniffles] God DAMN, how I love you, Kahn! TBS : Now bend over! ALL: Snooooooot! S.D. : ...ick. > He had felt her pain and TBS: ...her chest and... VID: Snot, before I waste you and ammo... > sorrow as well as Miko's. Had learnt of the love a mother > held for a daughter, knew it to be something different > than her love for him but that it was just as strong. VID: It was the . > And though she could see Miko, Miyu or Fubuki, it was nothing > like being with them. TBS: They needed all the *quality* time they could get... [VID cocks his gun.] LYNX: It certainly makes for great mother-daughter *relationships*. [VID reholsters his gun and sobs.] > In his selfishness, the King had unintentionally caused two > who he loved deeply great pain. TBS: To atone for this, he promptly launched himself in the air and buggered himself. W4: Now *there's* a party trick! > "Heartfelt mush aside," Fubuki smirked, "I think the > backlash from that constant stream of orgasms when those > souls went through her wiped him out!" ZRITH: It was funny at the time. > "But right after Seikima and Raiden," Yaku paused shyly , > "he and Maria went off and..." S.D. : ...talked about pretty flowers! There's nothing to fear about this harmless little creature! No sirree! VID: Thank you, S.D. S.D.: You're welcome. [She ^_^s.] > The girl went silent at her > recollection and conclusions. Fubuki smiled to both her > and Miyu as she confessed her own. Added some facts. LYNX : A baby whale can gain up to two hundred pounds a day. ALL: Ooooooooh... > "I think if it were any other place or time, Onesan would > have enjoyed watching those two guys making out in front > of Kahn." S.D.: ...iiiiick. VID: Maybe it's better this way. I save ammo. S.D.: Shut up. > "Fu-Fubuki-chan!" Miyu chided in defence of their mother. > The girl gave a shrug. TBS : Hey, can I help it your mother is a-- [VID coughs while cleaning his rifle.] TBS: ...well, she is. > "She wasn't holding you when that one guy shoved that > snake-thing that came outta his hand up the other's butt." ZRITH: Yes, that's...what? > Fubuki caught herself just a little late: third daughter, > the ronin [S.D. twitches.] S.D.: That settles it. This story is trying to kill me. TBS: I've heard *that* before. > had spent the most recent amount of time with > Maria than even Miko. Both far more than Miyu. VID: And far less than Bob, the cheap clown tailor from Essex. > It was all too easy to see how mention of that effected > her. No matter the circumstance. ZRITH: Let me guess. She read one of PJ's Lara Croft fics? W4: After that, Indiana Jones now has one more reason to be afraid of snakes. VID: After that, Indiana Jones now has *twelve* more reasons to be afraid of snakes. > "Go-Gomenasai..." > > Right now Maria and Miko were out sightseeing in Sendai > and would stay at a hotel tonight. W4: Pretty Paul's Hotel of Love. TBS: Ask for it by name. > In a few days Miyu would have free time S.D. : I'm gonna take my time... I have all the time in the world... > to join them with Fubuki. She held > up her cup smiling at the thought of spending some time > with her mother. Then put the bitter cold tea down after > taking a sip. W4: She promptly passed out and was robbed by Ledon and Krin. > "Damn, look at the time!" Fubuki said looking at her watch > and making to escape. VID : The warden's allowing the prisoners to escape from Strike again? W4 : Gotta find that rune quick! LYNX : If I don't make it to Radat within twenty hours I'm gonna be *very fucking pissed!* > "I'm gonna be late!" She got up and rushed to the door. Yaku > seemed concerned. > > "Late for what?" W4 : My period! [Rimshot.] > Fubuki slipped into a trim red and blue biker jacket that > matched her form fitting pants. "A date of course! New > friend... You know her!" TBS: We don't. ZRITH: Ignorance is bliss, Snot. > "Not Kitana?" > > "Course not! I'd like to help her out, but I'm not getting > near a love triangle." > > "Love triangle?" Miyu repeated. TBS: Yeah, it's page 243 of the Whitman edition "Karma" Sutra. > "Yeah, her, Liu Kang... and Miko! He's young, but very old > fashioned. LYNX: "Old fashioned" meaning "not adulterous" or "not randy as a rabbit," apparently. W4, ZRITH : We're two WIIIIIILD AND CRAZY GUYS! > He was talking to Maria about Miko! I think she > told him that stuff to let him down gently, but it > backfired! Miko's virgin aura strikes again!" VID: Don't you have to be a virgin to have a virgin aura? LYNX: Are you thinking again? VID: No, ma'am. > "You eavesdropped!" Miyu and Yaku said as one. > > She gave them a look: dumb question... W4: I'm supposing that looks like this... [He ?_?s.] S.D.: [blinks] How the hell did you do that? W4: Practice. > "Well miss noisy, you know how Miko feels?" TBS: Besides bouncy? > "Yaku-chan! You know her, she goes dreamy eyed over a boy > for weeks without even talking to him, then just when it > even looks like he's about to say good morning, she's > looking at the new male teacher! TBS : Especially if the teacher is a seven-foot-tall tentacle monster with three horns sticking out of his forehead! > "Besides... he's going back to Thailand tonight. That > still doesn't mean Miko won't get letters from him now and > then. LYNX : Of course, the fact that he doesn't know our addresses might crimp that aspect... > And Kitana's setting up a resistance front in Kahn's > power vacuum: she's not even on Earth anymore." ZRITH: She took the brown acid. > "But if it's not her..." the door bell rang and interrupted. VID: That's one annoying doorbell. LYNX: Tsk, tsk. It doesn't even finish what it's saying. W4 : Moo. > Yaku came to the logical conclusion. S.D. : I should start my 401k right away! > "I am ready!" Fubuki announced in accented english as she > opened the door. Sonya Blade in a snug green and white > biker one-piece walked in fuming. [TBS suddenly stands up.] TBS: The nerve of those people! Don't they wonder how many bikers were killed to make that suit?! Have they no shame? [ZRITH tugs TBS down to his seat.] > "And I've been waiting downstairs for over five minutes!" > The American special operative retorted before noting Miyu > and Yaku. LYNX : One busty TV actress and one busty sex ninja, check. > "I hope you race quicker than you get dressed! > Oh! Mi-Miyu-san! Yaku! I'm sorry! Umm...Uh...Gochisosama?! > Ohio-goes-on-my-shoe?!?" LYNX: No, Ohio goes on your head. What were you thinking? VID: : I'm Ohio born, and Ohio bred, and when I die I'll be--Ohio dead! W4: She must be the one who left her heart in San Francisco. TBS: Nonono... she has road maps on her feet. Her calluses represent large bodies of water. VID : Rah rah rah rah rah, Ohio Ohio, rah rah, Ohio Ohio, rah rah, Ohio 4-H *4*-*H*! [continues] Well, in Ohio there's a team that's known throughout the land... [Bapping ensues.] VID: Hey, can I help it if I'm patriotic? Ow ow watch it... > The young Japanese women held looks of perlextion as the > foreigner thanked them for snacks she had yet been offered > much less eaten. ZRITH: And the second--the very second--a person enters the room with language difficulties, the author feels this urge to make the story drag. VID: Moreover, as the sentence demonstrates, the author isn't exactly the one to talk. > Yaku considered her American geography > and wondered what it had to do with shoes--if that was the > right word for foot apperal--as Miyu began to understand > what Sonya was trying to say in a tongue unfamiliar to her > at an awkward moment. ZRITH: So they all started speaking Scandinavian. S.D. : And here I thought everyone in the fanfic spoke Japanese. Didn't they understand each other fine in the Shikima realm and Outworld? > Grinned in apologetic mirth as Fubuki tried not to laugh at her > obviously embarrassed new friend's mistakes. Failed. TBS: POINT AND LAUGH! [ALL point at Sonya and laugh. Someone in the projectionists' booth grafts a big ol' frown on Sonya's face for a second before taking it away again.] > "Fu-Fubuki-chan!" her sister admonished shoving her > playfully after standing and walking over. Addressed Sonya > with a polite bow before ushering her further inside. LYNX: Unfortunately, she fell, and forever more this faux pas became known as "the Fall in the House of the Usher." ZRITH: That's Sonya Blade, not Sonja Blue. W4 : And down Sonya went, another victim of the La Brea Carpets. > Said in passable english, "All right. Uh... I make mistake > in class. Un-der-stand better than speak." TBS : Me love you long time, G.I. Joe. VID : Thank you, ninja hentai girl. Where stupid peeping tom ninja boy? > "Ha-hai..." Yaku echoed though she really understood > little. Sonya's look was less than her battle-hardened > normal. TBS: And yet so much *more!* > "God, I'm really sorry--uh...Gomenasai. Barely know enough > Mandrin and Cantonese to get me through a movie. And I > just started with Japanese. Good thing Lu knows english." S.D. : Gosh darn it! When I'm visiting your country, I expect you to know my language! W4 : And you all better start talking in a language that I can understand! > Miyu smiled at her. "That is all right Miss Blade. Really." S.D. : You can put the knife down now. Niice and easyyy... > "Uh...Please, just call me > Sonya...Kudasai...na-me...Sonya-san desu?" W4: Okay, Sonya Kudasai Name Sonyasan Desu. TBS: Let's call her "Stinky" for short. VID : I'm gonna call you "Grovite." > "Sonya...chan. It means we better friends. Thank you come > to funeral. Kyoko really appreciate." S.D: Dead people are oddly appreciative of these things. > "It was the least I could do." > > As this trade in pleasantries dragged on, W4: ...and on, and on, and on, and on, and on... [ALL tilt their head back and start snoring. A railgun lowers from the ceiling and starts firing. ALL wake up.] > Fubuki skipped about both with a slight impatience. LYNX : Cultural exchanges are so BOOOORING! > All too ready now to feed the other biker exhaust from her > Panther before suggesting some other kind of fun. TBS : I *will* defeat you in table hockey! > Yaku too seemed slightly peeved as well as nervious as she > looked through a window at the Tokyo night. Clouds hid a > bright, luminous and well known globe. S.D. : It's the Technodrome! > The busty girl pressed a closed hand > to her chest before casting worried eyes downward. TBS: She forgot her pants. W4 : Dang! I *knew* I forgot something. > A fully bored Fubuki meanwhile spied a packet sticking out > of Sonya's suit pocket as she and Miyu's conversation > threatened to become a English/Japanese lesson. ZRITH : One more sentence, and people are going to start learning! It's going to get ugly! > Hoped it contained some Top-Secret death-ray plan or special > agent UFO information. VID: Or first-season "Voyager" scripts. ZRITH: Can't be. Those need to be kept in special lead vaults. > Not the baby or wedding pictures she knew it had to have as she > made a play for it. TBS : So, packet. Those are nice shoes. They'd look even better under my bed. > "H-Hey!" Sonya growled nearly saving her envolope from the > rude act. It tore and it's contents spilled upon the > floor. "You little brat! Look what you did!" LYNX : I was... um... just trying to cop a feel! S.D. : Oh. Okay. Nevermind, then. > "FUBUKI!!" Miyu angerily agreed. The girl made a guilty > retreat as her sister knelt to pick up her mess. > > "Um...Sumimasen..." Yaku excussed herself shyly as she > stood, "I...uh...need to go to the toilet ." TBS: This happens every time someone drops their photographs. > No one noticed her weakly put announcment. Sonya gave Miyu a look > like she was indeed going for classified material. > > "No, please! I've got that, really! > Um...uh...Chotto...Chotto Matte!!" TBS: And mine's a double espresso, thanks. > "Eh...?" Miyu breathed dully as she stood up. A few photos > in hand. As Fubuki lent over her sister's shoulder to > look, she realized they were shots of a vaction. A recent > business trip really. Both sisters looked to the owner and > photographer of the pictures with blank faces. S.D. : Hey! Get me! I'm a character from an 8-bit Konami game! LYNX : And I'm Cobra Commander! "Once... I was... a man..." > A caught Sonya Blade gave them both a look like a male > American congressman coming out of a washroom with a male > aide, who had yet to wipe 'soap' off his chin, right into > a crowd of reporters who were just lucky enough to be > passing by. During an election year. VID : Oh. That happens *all* the time. LYNX: Barney Frank notwithstanding? VID: He isn't that big of a slut. ZRITH: Similes tend to work a wee bit better when they're at least partially grounded in reality. W4: Or not as long as a stinking paragraph. > Both found the expression boring and went back to looking > at the pictures. TBS: Yes! I knew it! These sex ninja are Kender, too! > Meanwhile Yaku was pinned by the light of an exposed > fullmoon and rooted midpoint to the bathroom. W4: Oh! I get it! She's a Supox! ZRITH: NO, Woof. > Her own sweet features held pleasured torment as she hugged her > waist with one arm and crushed her gifted firm cleavage > diagonally with the other. A thick liquid not soap ran > down her inner thighs as the lucious limbs gained further > tone and a dark tanned hue. [TBS and W4 open their umbrellas.] > Unaware of this Miyu looked to the photo of her demonic > step-father once more clentching her firm and rounded > derrire. ZRITH: HOOOOOOONK! > Only before where it had been in sympathy, her > feelings now were something she would have been hard > pressed to admit. Even to herself. TBS : My psychiatrist said I was in denial... what did that jerk-off know? > The fact that this Raiden, no matter what Miyu's sister and > her friend had said of the incident, looked to be enjoying his > 'punishment' for his crass behavior did not help her. LYNX : He's an arrogant, close-minded bastard, but he's an arrogant, close-minded bastard with feelings! > He was indeed a blessed immortal. LYNX : He's an arrogant, close-minded, well-hung bastard with feelings! > Fubuki's mischivous expression became less so as she > looked to her sister's flustering face. Noted that Miyu > possess a trait common with Maria. > For some reason it made her feel uncomfotable. VID: Cue Oedipus overtones in 3... 2... 1... > Sonya meanwhile only hoped neither of them would notice an > added odd slickness to photographs that had been taken in > jest but had quickly become something else. LYNX: They became litmus paper. > Unfortunately for her modesty, the envelope that had > contained them was well stained. S.D.: For the last time, Sonya. Photographs aren't food. Stop dipping them in barbeque sauce. > She brushed it under a boot as she tried to > think of a way to get her pictures back. VID: Let's see...if I run in and do an auto-combo on Miyu, then a quick sonic ring blast on Fubuki, I should be able to grab them; then, a dash back to the bike... > A cry from Yaku snapped at the attention of all. W4: SNAP! TBS : Ow! My spine! ZRITH : Attention. NOT spine. TBS : Oh. [pause] Ow! My span! > The gasping, panting werewolf was on her knees now. Half > changed with a hand under soaked panties and a raised > skirt. A clawed hand fondled a tight yet fat tit past a > shirt and bra now turned to torn ruins. VID: Many years later, it was discovered by a group of German archaeologists... > Lust crazed, Yaku screamed to the ceiling with foamed spittle > running down a side of her mouth. W4: OHMIGOD! She's rabid! LYNX: Oh, man, I *hate* Orochi Yaku. Cheap bitch. > Her hidden masturbating digits worked with little true control. ZRITH: Great. The only thing worse than a werewolf is a werewolf who's Rubbing her own Bones. > "Wh-What the hell!?!" Sonya gasped as she fought to accept > what she saw. TBS: It's furry porn! Run for your life! > Went into a fighter's stance stepping in front of Miyu fearing some > curse or contagion from Outworld. "It-It must be posion or > something! Fubuki stay away from her! I said get back here!!" LYNX : Nononono... it is "GET OVER HERE!" S.D. : And leave us alone! It is our Slurpee break! > "Cho-cho- W4 : --Rocket, ta roc-ket wa su-GO-I! TSUBABABA*BA*! VID: Presenting: Fubuki as the Little Train That Could. ZRITH : CHOOOO!!! [makes moving train motions] Chuga-chuga-chuga-chuga choo-choo! > chotto! No! It is all right! She is all right!!" S.D. She moves, in mysterious ways... > the girl assured as she backed towards her friend and away > from a shocked Miyu and Sonya. "It is just the moon!" TBS : I've seen the moon before, and I can say without any shadow of a doubt that the snarling, masturbating werewolf in front of us is NOT the FUCKING MOON. > Beside Yaku, the ronin [S.D. quietly burns a small doll in effigy.] > knelt and reached underneath her friend to replace her > ineffective hand with her ZRITH: ...three aces and two kings. VID: The cheater... hmph! > caring, talented own. The wolfgirl gave a sweet moan going on all > fours for a moment, then turned on her back to give her > friend more freedom. LYNX: It's like the "skritch" reflex on your household dog gone horribly wrong. > Fubuki looked humbled and apologetic as she finger fucked her friend. TBS: One just can't look good when committing bestiality. W4: Finger fuck your friend. Let them know you care. [Ding!] W4: What was that? VID: Limit break. TBS: Seen it. > "Gomenasai Yaku-chan. I just forgot. I've never seen you > this bad before! You weren't trying to hold it in were you?!" LYNX: So in lieu of silver bullets, handjobs stop werewolves. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight. > Supple flesh a mix covering of sweat and whitish fur, the > panting wolfgirl let out a long, charged, cry. The orgasm > hit her in force as she bit at a finger. TBS: I think I saw this in a Judge Dredd comic once. VID: NO, Snot, you didn't. TBS: Oh. All right, then. > Back arcing with a quiver. But in it's aftermath as her > conflicting form regained a degree LYNX: Body-heat activated, even. > of it's beautiful human stature, the others in the room caught > a glance from her tearful eyes. > Saw her need. LYNX : Tears? S.D. : Check. LYNX : Need? S.D. : Check. LYNX : Chest? S.D. : AND HOW! > Fubuki used the rasping pause to slip Yaku's > panties off before she removed her own jacket, shirt and > bra as they stood by with mouths agape. > > Miyu was slightly prepared for this having spied on sister > Miko as she practiced her sex craft. VID : It's still sick, gross and wrong, though. > Was aware Fubuki and > Yaku did such things together, but was too wary of the > wolfgirl's nose to 'check in' on them as Nin-Nin sometimes > did. Had no real reason of their friend's over night stays > till now. Still her fluster was fueled by more than just > embarrassed shock. VID : I'd say that outright disgust played a huge part in it. > Sonya Blade meanwhile was totally caught off guard. S.D.: So...I take it the date's off then. TBS: Undoubtedly. LYNX : Well! Uh... look at the, uh... [gestures to watch] W4 : Yes! The, uh... the *time*! ...Is... what, she's... indicating... > Her thoughts had been of the photos and what they > depicted. How she was going to get them back without > revealing what the sight of the Thunder God being violated > by the Demon King had done to her alone when she might > have laughed it off with her friends. TBS: I don't care who you are. If you tell ANYBODY that you get excited by pictures of Raiden getting buggered by a monster, you're going to get some bad stares. > The majority of which were sculptured males who liked to walk > around bare chested. LYNX: Sonja did part-time work at the Guggenheim. TBS: As a porter. > Alone in her bed she had imposed the faces of Jax, Liu > Kang, even Cage, into those pictures. The result had been > quite surprising and overwhelming. ZRITH: That $99 she had spent on Photoshop was the best investment of her life. S.D.: It's okay, Sonya! Yaoi is beautiful and natural! [ZRITH, TBS, and VID look at S.D., confused.] S.D.: I'm getting better. > She had wanted to talk, joke, about it to another female friend > but only had Kitana. TBS: And everyone knew that she had a thing for sheep, so-- VID: Stand by. TBS: Eep. [*BOOM*] > Who tended to be even more hardened with her > feelings than she. She had hoped Fubuki was someone she > could confide in. Only the sixteen year old's age made it > awkward dispite her supposed knowledge. S.D.: Hey, I don't mind. Talk to me. [ALL stare.] S.D.: What? Aren't you all *happy* I'm better? > But as this 'girl' slipped down her pants to expose a > supple and exquisite waist and pelvis, a penis sprang from > the folds of her labia with a little teasing. TBS: AIEE! I'M BLIND! W4: IT'S CARTMAN'S MOM! VID: This explains a lot of things. ZRITH: Such as? VID: Well, most of them have to do with Jenn Dolari... > Her needful friend was again going insane, begging in a > hushed voice for help. ZRITH: So Sonya shot her in the forehead. S.D: Sonya shouldn't have played Duke 3D so much. > The tone made Sonya's cheeks burn, as well as her groin. W4: *FWOOSH*! LYNX : Damn these spontaneous combustion panties! > Yaku's cry as the cock entered her > in penetration made the combat veteran shiver with an odd > feeling of pleasure. Step back releasing a hot breath. VID: Use predicates as sentences. [grumbles] > Her arm brushed Miyu's. ZRITH: And the Walker Charter School in Walker, Michigan promptly expelled and arrested her for the accidental elbowing. S.D.: Elbows don't elbow people. *People* elbow people. > "..." Sonya gasped looking to the other young woman. Could > not think of what to say in English much less Japanese. TBS: Any suggestions, people? W4: "Hot-diggity-dang! A mutant werewolf and a hermaphrodite are getting it on!" S.D.: "Damn! That last batch of weed was some fine shit!" ZRITH: "I really should get out more." LYNX: "My libido is just shot to hell." VID: "I am damn unsatisfied to be watching this horror." > Miyu as well was at a loss for words as she held Sonya's > photos of a sodomous act to her breast with a blush. > Looked timidly away. ZRITH : Say it ain't so... say it ain't so... > Their eyes met as Fubuki fully joined her voice to that of > Yaku's. W4: They've hit the halfway point of any given Iron Maiden song. LYNX , TBS : YOUR TIME WI-ILL COME! > Then the Japanese woman took the hand of the American. VID: *POP*! ZRITH : Hey! Give that back! I'm still using it! > As she was lead to a bedroom, [S.D. gets up and walks around dropping pennies. W4 gets up, looks at a penny, picks it up, and sees another penny in front of him. W4 follows the trails of pennies behind a prop door, which S.D. slams shut. S.D. sits back down.] LYNX : And the best part is, she doesn't seem to mind. W4 : Hee hee hee hee! I'm rich! > aware of a dampness in her biker suit, she found it a bit > odd that she'd think of Jonny Cage. How much he'd pay to be > here right now. See her and Miyu become better friends... TBS : One pepperoni pizza! LYNX : But we didn't order pizza! TBS : Here's the pepperoni pizza... Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot my pants! > ****** > > ZRITH: ... VID: I need a drink. ZRITH: You don't drink. VID: I do *now*. > The Emperor of Outworld strode down the halls of his > rebuilt fortress with with his normal regal aloofness. W4 : And a big hello to all of my friends here in the United States! [W4 holds his hands up and does the Queen's Wave.] > Unlike the other, this had been built nearly overnight > with the most powerful magics Shao Kahn had available. LYNX: And Bob Vila was in town. > It was needed as a symbol if he was to regain his full might. ZRITH: He's going into sumo. VID: *There*'s an image. > It had taken days for him to free himself from the remains > of the old and his absence had cost him dearly. S.D.: The teacher wouldn't let him retake those missed spelling tests. > Or rather, it had taken days for the beaten Kahn to find > the strength to want to dig himself out! W4: Oh come on. He only got beat up by a girl. ZRITH: A naked, unarmed girl. TBS: And had his tiny weenie exposed to all. > What did those Miroku bitches do to me?! he thought as he > stomped down the hall. ZRITH: Well, we just *gave* a list. > The girl had been submissive and weak as he jammed his fingers > into her twat--oh, to gut that whore barehanded if I had her > now! VID: He can do that? W4: When was the last time he *clipped* those fingernails? *Damn*! > --but had recovered the instant her mother appeared. LYNX : This isn't what it looks like! I can explain! S.D. : I *know it looks bad*! > Had she been pretending the whole time!?! ZRITH: You mean was she faking it? Yes, Kahn. Yes. > Impossible! Not only was she wet, but her muscles kept > contracting, going to orgasm but striving it off. S.D. : BeGONE, sins of the flesh! > When he had released her, she had climaxed at once from > the strain he had given her. The thought of someone > having that level of control over their body made him pause. ZRITH : Naaaaaaaah...she couldn't be Linda Lovelace... > He killed the train of though as ruthlessly as any enemy, VID: You know, Mussolini only shot the conductor. > which is what he would do to that cow [W4 mimes eating a large stack of hamburgers as TBS and S.D. watch intently. S.D. looks at her watch.] W4 : Urp! [TBS and S.D. watch W4 closely.] W4 : Moo. TBS : Ha! I knew it! Cough up my fifty bucks. S.D. : No way! We agreed she'd have to grow an udder. > and her mother the next time he had them. He continued on. VID : Unlimited continues are an *option*. > In his absence his more ambitious generals and lieutenants > had attempted to seize the rains of power. S.D. : Ow! Let go of me! VID : Seize him! Seize him! TBS : NO, Ermac! Fondling is not the answer! > Once he had returned, the more foolish had surrendered and been > executed for their disloyalty. ZRITH : Well, *that* worked! VID : Ahhhhh, shaddap. > The remainder now either hid or joined Kitana's rebel faction. W4: A lucky few actually joined Kitana. > That had been the most frustrating aspect of this debacle. > Once all but crushed, the rebellion lead by his traitorous > adoptive daughter was now flourishing. VID: Funny how an army's morale plummets when its leader is defeated in a humiliating manner. TBS: Well, *shit*! So *that*'s why I suck at Romance of the Three Kingdoms! > If she was not needed, her crucified body would have long ago been set > beside her true parents on his castle's rafters. TBS: But...you know, sadomasochism wasn't Kahn's bag back then. > His old castle's rafters, he reminded himself bitterly... > > Of Sub-Zero and Scorpion, there was no sign. ZRITH: Because no one would ever notice a guy with a fiery skull and a guy who froze everything he touched. No sirree. > His network of spies had last placed their whereabouts on Earth realm > in a place called... LYNX : Downtown... > San Francisco? VID : I do not see any Slurpees here, colleague. ZRITH : RIGHT! Off to Malibu! > They would die slowly for their insolent act and behavior. > He froze, shook with odd uncertainty--revolution?-- W4: DANCE DANCE! > and continued. VID : Never give up. > And as for finding the Miko bitch on Earth and having > assassins either delivering her back to him or taking > revenge there... Shang Tsung had called the Miroku Ninja > clan a den for whores. TBS: "Brothel," Shang Tsung. > The joke of Earth's marital artist. VID: You mean MARTIAL artist. TBS: No, it's marital. This is a lemon. VID : Oh, REALLY? > Of Shang's joking whores Kahn's spies could not only find > a sign that they even existed, many of them never returned! S.D.: Yup. One track minds, those spies. W4 : We're going to need more time. And oil. TBS : LOTS of oil. > At this time when he must again build an empire, ZRITH : An empire! ...riiiight! > he could not waste such resources. Once Earth realm was > his, the girl's body and soul would be his to torment again. TBS: With his small penis. ZRITH: Was that necessary? TBS: Damn so. > The sorcerer could rot for all eternity in the Nether > world for all Kahn cared. LYNX: Shao Kahn *is* either Zoner or Gryphon in "Undocumented Features!" > This had all been his doing. He had stolen the Shikima Queen > in his poorly laid scheme to take Outworld. TBS: Heh heh. "Poorly laid." ZRITH: Oh, shut up. > Kahn had known of the sealed furnace room as well as Shang's > plot to use the Shikima heart. LYNX: And he found about Tsung's recipe for chili con carne. VID: : Worcestershire sauce! Why didn't I think of that before? > In his arrogance the fool had even let Kahn enter the room, a > novice wizard could teleport a squad past the most potent > of wards once the caster himself had opened the gate! The > men would have died holding the sorcerer at bay till Kahn > himself arrived to take the stone and kill Shang truly for > his disservice. ZRITH: Shao Kahn is a hands-on tyrannical bastard. > But they too had failed utterly under > mysterious circumstance. > > And the accursed Queen!! VID : God save the Queen! ALL : Because no one else will! > The holder of the heart had not been consumed, but had stormed > into his arena W4 : Do you MIND? I'm trying to violate your daughter here! > --with no less than Sheeva in thrall!--and demanded > her child's return! TBS : I mean, the GALL of her! I wasn't even finished with her yet! > Reports had said that she had been responsible for > returning Shang to hell, but he dismissed them. S.D.: With a "Feh." > The woman was so weak she had had to be carried. Shang Tsung was > many things, but to be beaten by such a weak woman? W4 : Well...you got beaten by a girl. ZRITH : That's TOTALLY different! > Sheeva's treason would forever be a mystery. The giantess > had left with the Shikima witches and thus into their > oblivion. S.D.: "Oblivion" meaning "Love Shack." TBS : I've got me a clan that's as big as a whale! And it's about to set sail! LYNX, S.D. : The Shikima Shack is a little ol' place where we can get together! > The rift in the Shikima realm was sealed and the > domain beyond his reach. Most likely she was there > enjoying a whore's life. LYNX: Then Shao Kahn remembered she was damn ugly, so that was out of the question. W4 : Me love you *long* time. ZRITH : No. [pauses] On second thought... HELL NO. > An image of a little blue insect at her lap smiling at him > faded from Kahn's mind. Pushed into the darkest corner and > hidden away TBS: Damn. Shao Kahn's a smart man. VID: Wish *I* could do that. > along with others, all atop the sound of the girl's forever > accursed laugh! LYNX: And Naga's double-barreled whooping bitchlaugh seizes more ground. > This whole thing was best forgotten even thought it's aftermath > might plague him for centuries. W4: And everyone will know that Shao Kahn had a small penis. > What was needed now was a master stroke A well > of power to crush all who stood before him. TBS : Yes. I need stroke. Stroke. Just like that! Oh, yeah! GIMME STROKE! ZRITH: Damn it, Snot, shut *up*. > As always, what was needed was Earth realm! LYNX : Oh, *yeah*! Shit, I *forgot* about that! > And only Raiden and his pathetic Liu Kang stood in his way. TBS: Maybe he should try throwing them up into the air and sodomizing them. VID: You're on thin ice. TBS: Well, he *should*! > At the end of Kahn's long walk was a war room and his > remaining loyal generals. With those who had been too weak > willed or clever enough to move in his absence would be > discussed the making of his shattered empire whole again. > As well as the taking of Earth realm. W4: The good news: ZRITH: Earth girls are easy. W4: The bad news: ZRITH: Earth girls are psycho warrioress sex fiends. VID: That sounds like every third B-movie in existence. > That thought was sour to him. LYNX : "And tangy, too!" What a load of shit. > The doors leading to this chamber were of the same make > and substance of the Soul Furnace chamber. Still contained > the tortured souls and flesh of victims that he himself > had dispatched, there was an endless supply. S.D.: He really didn't know what to use it for, anyway. TBS : What would Martha Stewart do? > They opened before him... > > He paused before them. He looked at them. He almost waited > form them... > > He stormed into the room barely checking his anger. The > Earth realm was nothing! Raiden was nothing! Liu Kang was > nothing! VID : And everyone else who's ever triumphed over me is nothing! ZRITH : I, my own self, think you are all full of Grade-A prime baloney! > Once Earth was his then so was the Shikima realm, > and with it, his revenge could begin! Mido Miko would know > nothing but pain!!! LYNX: Shao Kahn's BRINGIN' THE PAIN! > Behind the all mighty, all powerful and at one time > undisputed master of the desolate and black realm TBS: "Afro-American realm." ZRITH: ...uh-huh. > of Outworld, the huge doors closed as silently and without > protest as they had opened before their master. As they and > all the doors of this dark fortress would do for as > long as it stood. TBS: Which will be until a stripper stumbles across it. LYNX : Not the Candygram! ANYTHING but the Candygram! NOOOOOO! > THE END VID: Thank you. ZRITH: Heh. Pretty crappy ending, there. VID: Now... > ****** VID: GOSH DARN IT! TBS : I'm SOOOOOOO sorry! I'll send in the Special Opps! > The Shikima guard took a long drag from a cigarette as he > stood lazily at his post. S.D.: Meanwhile, in Metal Gear... W4 : I FEEL ASLEEP! > The tall skinny red demon savored the taste as nicotine and > carcinogens filled his lungs. Released smoke out his nose in a > slow, relishing exhale. VID: Keeled over and died. LYNX: These are the types of commercials that the Truth would *dearly* love to put on television. > "Those things a' kill yea." His short, barreled shaped > blue skinned partner caroused. Then exchanging a look, > both laughed at the joke as he took the offered burning > weed. ZRITH: Even *Outworld* knows it's stupid to keep pot illegal! > Before taking a toke, he examined it and sniffed the > stalk. Made a displeased face. "American?! Where'd you get > this crap?" [ALL mumble confusedly.] TBS: Perhaps in Columbia... ZRITH: ...the Ukraine has... S.D.: ...gotta be Canada... MMK.o.D. : Please note that American products are made fun of in *other dimensions*. VID: Shut up! > "Off the main portal keeper of course," he spat on the > ground, "Asshole! You don't wanna know what he charges for > the good shit!" W4 : You mean we're smokin' dogshit, man? > The blue demon blew smoke rings. "He gets them from the > demons that get to go to Earth right?" > > Red snorted. "They bribe him to get some mortal pussy, W4 : Liu Kang. Raiden. Scorpion. Sub-ZE-ro. Kano. Johnny Cage. Kano. Sonya. MORTAL PUSSYYYYYYYYY! [VID shoots him in the head twice.] W4: Ow. TBS: Hey, he ain't dead. VID: I don't understand that at all. > then he charges us through the ass for the stuff they > bring back. TBS: Swings both ways, eh? > Ask me he's getting good at both ends!" TBS: That's odd. Usually, the demons are on the other side of-- [VID shoots him in the head.] TBS: Ow. VID: Anyone else would die when I do that, you know. S.D.: What, like Gavok? W4: Like me? TBS: Like *anyone* you've ever shot? VID: Well, no. > Blue shifted uncomfortably as his Root of Lust stirred > under his armor. "Hey dude... watch the 'P' word! I don't > get some Earth time for three hundred years and I itch > every time I think about it!" VID: That's not lust. That's jock itch. > "I hear yea." Red took back his cigarette and took a very > long drag. Among the ingredients that had been added, the > cancer sticks contained something that effected a > Shikima's Root. While not fully suppressing the magical > erotic organ, it made life manageable for the lesser demons. TBS: Legalize pot. Keep demons less horny. > "But if you're so hard up, you can always check > out the Fujin." S.D. : REFUSAL. > Blue gave a chuckle. "I wanna die of pleasure, not > exhaustion!" he couldn't control his erectness any longer > and his demon dick rose from under the flap of his armor. > It would take days of masturbation to get it back down. S.D.: Too... LYNX: Much... ZRITH: Info... W4: God... TBS: ...DAMN it. > "Speaking of which, I heard Fubuki was back a couple a > days ago. You get a piece of that twat?" he jacked off > without shame or regard. [TBS and W4 pull out their umbrellas again.] > "Shit no! Bitch was a ball buster before she became a > she-demon!" Red looked down, flicked his cigarette away in > irritation. "Bastard! Now you got me hard!" > > More laughing. ZRITH: Sexual frustration is funny. TBS: No, it's not. ZRITH: ...okay, it's not. > "If you were at court when they brought > Maria back, you'd be cutting diamonds! Not only was Fubuki > there, but Miko too." > > "Oh yeah, I want a piece of the King's daughter. I'd lose > both my heads for that!" LYNX: Shouldn't we be going right now? I mean... the story's over and all... > "Aside from them, they had this other ninja with them. > Damn! She was just about as stacked as the Queen!" he > stroked himself faster at the mental image of his root > being between those melons. S.D.: I never was that attracted to fruit. VID: So you think that yaoi is okay, but there's something wrong with produce? S.D.: Yeah. So? W4: You know who likes produce? Porky Pig. S.D.: You shut the fuck up. > "Watch that homeboy! You even think about the Queen when > you touching that, you in deep shit!" TBS : They say that masturbation causes blindness. W4 : [eyes closed] Who said that? > "Who's gonna know? Besides, there was so much puntang at > court, you couldn't help it! TBS : I mean, nobody kicked it any further than forty yards, but it was nice to see everybody trying. ZRITH: What? [ZRITH stares at the screen.] ZRITH: Snot, that doesn't say "punting." TBS: Oh. > Maria and the others were covered so you couldn't see much. But > damn! These two chicks: a blonde and a brunette! One word: speedos!" VID: I thought it was plastics. > Now Red was jealous. He leaned close. "And they were tight?" > > "Fuckin' painted on! Didn't leave nothing to the > imagination--and I swear I smelled virgin!" ZRITH : ...olive oil! I don't know why I brought that up, but it makes me horny! VID : You need help, man. > "Virgin?! TBS : You can't *smell* *"Virgin"*, you fuckwad. W4 : What? I thought that was a figure of speech! > No shit! And you just tellin me now?! You prick!" VID: Meanwhile, invaders sacked the castle because no guard could possibly do his job while BEATING OFF. TBS: Remember the Arl-amo, Vid. VID: [grumbles] I know. I know. > "I thought they were gonna get shared around the court as > a celebration. S.D. : Celebrate! Celebrate! > But after Raiden showed up and got his gift from the King," > Both chuckled, word had gotten all over, "They went back to > Earth! But that wasn't the worst part--that selfish little shit!" TBS : I wanted to bugger Raiden too! > "What?" > > "Nin-Nin got-" TBS: Back! > As if calling his name was a summons, the imp in question > rounded a corner screaming. He streaked past them in a > cloud of dust. Recovering quickly, excitement lit on > Blue's face and he stood in the middle of the path. ZRITH: PLEASE tell me that Blue isn't attracted to Nin-Nin. S.D.: Yay! Yaoi! > "Yata!! Come to papa babe!" > > "What the hell is your problem!" Red asked his partner. TBS : Nobody's fucking named "Yata!" > "Nin-Nin came back with this big piece of ass he can't > handle himself!" LYNX : No one knows what happened to the rest of the ass, let alone the rest of the body. But you know Nin-Nin... > "So? He's an imp. Can't handle a needle hole much less > a... waitaminute... you mean?" > > "The bitch is still here! Been chasing him for days! I > think she should get a taste of a real Shikima!" [TBS pulls out a crystal ball, waves his hands eerily over it and gazes into it.] TBS: I see strawberry and blueberry jokes in our futures. > "Move over!" W4 : Four in the bed, and the little one s-- [W4 blinks.] W4: ...wait... *ew*. > Sheeva turned the bend at speed. Exploded on the guard > post with calls of, "Darling!", "Honey!" and, "My lapper > of love! Come back!" W4: Lapper? Oh! That aqua Pokemon that Ash used to maneuver around the Orange Islands! VID: No. That's Lapras. W4: Oh. Then Lapper must be the police mouse that bounces on trampolines and recovers stolen goods from a gang of thieving cats. VID: No. That's Mappy. W4: Oh. Then Lapper is a mouse that guards Mink's party and inadvertently killed Damaramu. VID: No. That's another Mappy. W4: Then Lapper must be a bartender that-- [ZRITH pulls out the remote and deactivates W4.] VID: Thank you. [ZRITH twirls the remote and sticks it in his pocket.] > She paid them less than no mind... ZRITH: What, *negative* mind? > After the giantess's passing, the two demons pulled > themselves out of the craters they now occupied. Spat out > dirt. Foot imprints were in their chest plates. Red looked > to Blue bitterly. S.D. : Hey! You got Blue on my Red! LYNX : Hey! You got Red on my Blue! > "Next time, you wanna tell me HOW BIG a piece of ass?!?" W4: Rimshot please. [S.D. rimshots.] > "Oh shut up and give me a cigarette!" > > On the plus side, they weren't hard anymore... TBS: On the minus side, they were castrated. VID: That's a minus? TBS: Well, it... [pauses] no, actually. > ======== As the weary theatre patrons made their exit from the screening area to the lobby and the snack bar, Lynxara idly discussed the situation. "So, the fic's over - what now?" "Back to my trailer for pot pies and Mountain Dew!" W4 piped. Zrith fluidly skipped his remote off of W4's head and caught it on the rebound. "Well, hopefully," Vidstudent said, "those ninjas will hurry up and get A.o.D. here before those two milkduds get any more ideas... or fiction-that- should-not-be, for that matter." He glanced over and grimaced at the Black Snotling and S.D., who were locked in a heated discussion. "Growth hormones," S.D. finished, crossing her arms. "That's how they do it." "Oh, no *way*, man!" the Black Snotling said. "You start messing around with growth hormones, you're going to end up some big fat ugly *blimp* of a sex ninja!" "Not if they're, um, labia growth hormones," S.D. Ryukage countered, scratching the back of her ear. "Oh, right, sure, they're going to just manufacture an artificial serum to make labias *magically* grow to the length of your average penis." "I'm sure that McDonald's would buy a lot of it," S.D. said. "Hey, yeah!" The Snotling hopped up onto a nearby bench. "Sheds a new light on their milkshakes, for one thing. But lemme tell you *my* theory." "My ears are agape with curiosity." "Well, you know that thing Mike Myers had at the end of the first Austin Powers movie?" "Was that the one with the fat guy and bad Star Wars jokes, or the good one?" The Snotling paused. "The one where Scott doesn't do much." "That narrows it down. But continue." "Well, my theory states that the sex ninja in question carry that device upon their person and whenever any hot shemale action is recquired, they whip it out and--fwoomp!--pump up their labias." Ryukage grimaced at the thought. "You do realise that's easily twice as digusting as several different parts of 'La Blue Girl'?" "I was aiming more for three-fourths." "It's also impossible. You saw the tape. There were no cuts, no trick photography. And it wasn't CGI. And I already tested the popcorn for high- powered LSD traces." "You mean your popcorn didn't--anyway, all right," Snot said, "so that's out." "So it only leaves one answer," the shady dragon person said. "But *what*?" Snot asked. They both clicked their fingers and pointed at the other, speaking simultaneously. "Circus clowns!" "Bleah," W4 interjected. "It *would* explain why so many people are afraid of clowns," Zrith offered as he busied himself oiling and fixing remote-shaped dents in W4. "Can we *please* get off the topic of clown labias?" Nick pleaded. "Even clown labias that become big floppy clown shlongs?" Snot asked. "*Especially* clown labias that... Zrith, you're closest. Hit him for me, will you?" "Little busy, here." Zrith said, looking up and catching a glimpse of the lobby's large screen. "Do it your own damn se--*he*llo." "Back at you, sandshrew," MMK.o.D. buzzed, posed jauntily on the screen with his floppy hat covering one eye. "What did you think, fleshlings?" "Which wrong, explicit act would you like me to start with?" said Lynxara. W4 piped up. "My memory could be wrong, but since when were Sub-Zero and Scorpion hired to work *for* Shao Kahn?" Zrith nodded. "Yeah, last I knew, Sub-Zero's job was to assassinate Shao Kahn, or somesuch." "What, really?" W4 asked. "*Yes*," Zrith said impatiently. "Gee!" W4 said. "Well, now it makes even less sense." Zrith sighed. "I've heard of an Achilles' Heel before," Snot said, "but I've never heard of an Achilles' Tiny Wang." "S.D., you're closest. Hit him," Vidstudent said. S.D. complied. "So exactly what English teacher is letting this person get away with sentence fragments left and right?" "And there's also the Wrong Factor," Lynxara said. "We'd have measured it, but *the scale broke*." "Hey, I'm not finished!" Nick butted in. "Sentences come with *both* a subject *and* a predicate. Even if she wrote... well, in the last sentence, 'Sentences come,' it might be an invitation for Snot to ask me to shoot him, but it doesn't make me want to shoot the *author*." "Not a bad assessment." MMK.o.D. nodded to Gunter, playing with a machine in the background. "iT's sidekick will take it all down." "Your input is valued!" Gunter called with a snicker. "No! *Really*!" Vidstudent, gritting his teeth, went over to the wall. He tapped a rhythm on said wall and whispered something impossible to make out over the din of the others. It was hard to tell, but it almost seemed like iT cringed. "What's wrong?" asked Gunter, suddenly. "Well! Hell," MMK.o.D. said, twitching a bit. Now the others noticed, as Nick had gone over to the wall next to the projection booth. "Vid, what are you doing?" asked Zrith. "Can I help?" asked W4. "No," said Vidstudent, pointing the gun at W4. "Hmm...once more, I'd say." Everyone hushed to see what, exactly, Nick was doing. Gunter tried to hold his partner back. "Dude, what's the deal?" "Gavok," MMK.o.D. said, now twitching a little bit more as the symbiote around him unfurled slightly, "you know the bar scene from _Who Framed Roger Rabbit_?" "Yeah," Gunter said, then blinked. "Oh! Hell." "It's obscure enough, y'see," MMK.o.D. explained. "To some, maybe," Nick said. Then, on the wall separating the lobby from the projectionist's booth, Nick tapped the rhythm once more, whispering, "o/~ God had a plan to end all my schemes I had a dream He said to be... o/~" Suddenly, the wall exploded and MMK.o.D. jumped forward through the wreckage. "EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEMMMMEEE!" he sang. "OHHH, *YEAHHHH*!" Gunter blurted, jumping out through the wall with a pitcher of M.M.Kool-A.o.D.. Everyone except Nick applauded. "GRAB THEM!" Nick shouted. "Not yet! Not yet!" W4 said. "Do it again!" Snot said appreciatively. Gunter hopped back through the wall. W4 and the Snotling helped M.M.K.o.D. set some bricks back up in the hole, and the three of them stood back. Gunter burst through the bricks, brandishing the picher of M.M.Kool-A.o.D.. "OHHHHH, *YEAHHH*!" Gunter growled. Everyone except Nick again applauded. "OKAY!" Nick yelled. "NOW *GRAB TH*--" "Do it in Spanish!" W4 piped. Gunter hopped back through the hole in the wall and W4 and Snot went about piling the bricks back up. A purple vein began visibly pulsing on Vidstudent's forehead. Gunter, wearing a large sombrero, burst through the bricks and held the pitcher of M.M.Kool-A.o.D. out in front of him. "OH~! ĄSI!" Gunter said in a deep and completely different voice. Everyone except Nick applauded vigorously, whistling and hooting. "ENCORE!" W4 yelled. "*NO*!" Vidstudent blurted. "OKAY, THEN!" W4 yelled. "*GRAB THEM*!" "AWAY!" Gunter proclaimed. M.M.K.o.D. and Gunter took off running, with the angry theater patrons following. M.M.K.o.D. and Gunter led their chasers up, down and around the theater, at one point leading them in a perfect figure-eight, before Vidstudent, at the back of the line, stopped in his tracks. "RIGHT! THAT's it!" Nick snapped, reaching back into his bookbag and pulling out a handful of 5MM's. Nick slammed the machine gun ammo into the Fuerstenberg and held it in front of him. "DUCK AND COVER!" Snotling screamed, he and the other four still chasing the Mads. The five came to a stop and Zrith quickly overturned two nearby tables to hide between, with Lynxara and S.D. quickly joining him. "Where did they go?" W4 yelled in a panicked tone. "JUMP!" Snot yelled. W4 and the Snotling jumped for the tables, landing between them just before Nick opened fire. "Quick!" Gunter yelled. He and M.M.K.o.D. jumped behind a couch overturned near a large flat green circle on the ground, dodging Vidstudent's rapid short bursts of fire. "Well," Lynxara said dryly to the others. "Big day." "COME ON OUT!" Vidstudent yelled, continuing to fire. "COME ON!" The Fuerstenberg clicked several times to indicate its need for ammo, and that's when M.M.K.o.D. leapt out from behind the couch and dashed towards the green circle. "Whoa," S.D. said as she peeked over a table. "MMK's gonna *die*." "HAH! I HAVE YOU *NOW*, PUNK!" Nick yelled, flipping the Fuerstenberg to Pulse Cannon mode and firing away. The IG-88 energy shots flew past M.M.K.o.D. in all directions as iT dove into the air, coming down on the green circle with a giant "B" marked on it and turning to face Vidstudent. "Hey," Zrith said. "Didn't see *that* there earlier." "The hell's that thing?" Lynxara asked. "I mean, what's it for, you think?" "The circle?" W4 said. "It's probably--" That was when M.M.K.o.D., moving in Woo-style slow-motion, reached under iTs coat and produced twin railguns. "Yow!" S.D. quickly ducked her head back behind the table as rapid-fire rail slugs flew above and/or past the table towards Vidstudent. "Hey!" Vidstudent complained, barely dodging the rounds of metal flying past his body. "That does it!" Nick looked up to the sky and caught the Space Gem that materialized from thin air, holding it above his head. The words "SPACE GEM" floated past, stopping in front of him and continuing on, and a power suit materialized around him. "Ha HA!" Nick gloated. "Time for-" The Mind, Soul, Time, Power and Reality gems all bounced painfully off of Nick's head as they, too, materialized from thin air. "Gah!" Nick complained, scrambling for them. Unfortunately he was wearing a power suit at the time, not helping his mobility any. "Guys! GUYS! GRAB THEM!" "No!" W4 yelled from between the tables. "They have guns!" "He means the Gems!" Zrith yelled from between the tables. "I know!" W4's voice yelled. "Well, let's GO!" Zrith's voice yelled. "No!" W4's voice yelled. "They have guns!" Gunter chose this as the time to dash out from behind the couch and get to the green circle. Gavok stood right in the middle of the large "B" and turned to face Vidstudent and M.M.K.o.D. over on the other side of the lobby. "GUY-EEEES!" Nick yelled. "COME *ON*! DO YOU WANT *THEM* TO GET THE GEMS?" S.D.'s head popped up over the table facing Nick and M.M.K.o.D.. "Well, no, not really," she said. Sunglasses and a black trenchcoat materialized around Gavok as he drew two Uzis from behind his back and leapt, sideways, into the air. "Well, come ON! GET them! I'll stall him!" Nick threw a punch at M.M.K.o.D. and felt the powersuit's fist connect powerfully. Then he felt something in front of him explode. M.M.K.o.D. dropped down from the rafters, landing in front of the now cheese- coated and immobile powersuit. "You will get nothing," iT buzzed. "MMK!" Gunter yelled from across the room. "Mooove!" M.M.K.o.D. turned around to see Gavok floating through the air in a slow-motion cartwheel six feet off the ground, holding two Uzis out with intent to fire. Bullets shot very slowly from the twin guns and flew very slowly with neat spirally air trails behind them towards M.M.K.o.D., who was standing directly in front of Vidstudent. M.M.K.o.D. moved. The bullets v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y f-l-e-w t-o-w-a-r-d-s t-h-e f-r-o-z-e-n V-i-d-s-t-u-d-e-n-t, p-l-o-w-i-n-g i-n-t-o h-i-s c-h-e-e-s-e c-o-v-e-r-i-n-g a-n-d h-i-s s-u-i-t o-f a-r-m-o-u-r a-n-d s-t-o-p-p-i-n-g b-e-f-o-r-e h-i-t-t-i-n-g N-i-c-k h-i-m-s-e-l-f. Vidstudent burst out of the cheese covering, looking very angry. "THAT WASN'T FUNNY!" he yelled. G-a-v-o-k-'s a-r-c o-f f-l-i-g-h-t b-r-o-u-g-h-t h-i-m b-a-c-k t-o t-h-e g-r-o-u-n-d a-n-d h-e exited his slow motion, reloading his Uzis over his shoulders in a very stylish manner. "Dude!" Snot called, standing up and jogging over to Gunter. "That was *cool*!" "*How* the *hell* did he just do that?" Zrith blurted. Gavok threw the Uzis away over his shoulders and dashed for the five remaining Gems on the floor. The black symbiote-like coating unravelled itself from around M.M.K.o.D. and tucked iTself away, leaving behind MMK as he scrambled for the Gems. Vidstudent started walking his powersuit towards the Gems, but wasn't going very fast. Everyone else continued to hide between the tables in their makeshift bunker. "Do they still have guns?" W4 asked. "*You* wanna check?" Zrith asked. Gavok made it to the Gems first, grabbing the Mind Gem. MMK made it second, scooping up the Reality Gem and sprinting away as Vidstudent grabbed the other Gems and spirited them back to where they came from. "*Now* then!" Nick yelled as he raised the Fuerstenberg and drew a bead on Gavok, who was standing approximately two feet away. "Erk," Gavok said. "MIND GEM!" Gavok held the Mind Gem over his head. The words "MIND GEM" floated past, stopping in front of him and continuing on, and nothing happened. "Aww, *man*," Gavok complained. Nick pulled the trigger, sending the pulse cannon bursts hurdling point- blank towards Gavok. As each burst hit him, every one of them became a fluffy bunny. The bunnies bounced off of Gavok's chest, landed with cute little "whumf"s, and hopped away. Vidstudent blinked several times. The two tables serving as a makeshift bunker suddenly flew into the air, leaving behind the people hiding between them. The tables stacked themselves upright, one on top of the other, and spontaneously ignited. "Hey, *cool*," Gavok said. "I was just thinking about that!" "That *is* cool!" Snot commented. Zrith facepalmed. "Pretty cool, all right," MMK said. "Now," he added as he turned around, "where were w--" Vidstudent, who had walked up to MMK, grabbed MMK with his large hulking power suit and activated the jets. "Aw," MMK said. "Damn." Vid, carrying MMK, flew directly over the tables and then straight up through the ceiling, leaving rubble behind him that fell around the table. S.D. walked over to the flaming tables and looked up through the enormous hole in the ceiling. "And I thought I'd seen everything. Can you see what's going on?" Lynxara asked. "They're still flying upward," Ryukage reported. "Wait! I think MMK just stuck his leg out--" The words "REALITY GEM" floated past the flaming tables, stopping by and then continuing on past the unnoticing Shadow Dragon. "No, wait, it was his arm," she said. "Whoa! He just grew big angel wings!" "*What*?" Zrith blurted, walking over to look up through the ceiling. "Well, I'll be damned." Everyone crowded around to look up through the ceiling, witnessing two tiny specks flying around firing large beams of energy at each other. "I didn't know he could fire energy beams," Snot said. "Usually he can't," Gavok said. "As far as I know." "Which one is he?" W4 asked. "He's the one WITH THE WINGS, IDIOT!" Zrith snapped, slapping W4 upside the head. "Oh," W4 said. A knock on the door drew W4's attention. "I'll get it," W4 said. "Mm-hmm," S.D. said as she and the rest of the group continued to watch the fight going on way above the theater. The door opened by itself. "Oh, hey! It was open anyway," W4 said. "Hi, guys! Hey, R. Jak." "Yeah, hi," Ryan Jakobi said, lumbering through the door in the Kanazuchi power armour he was wearing. "This the new theater?" "It seems familiar, for some reason I cannot pinpoint!" Reptile said. "I believe we've already been here before today, my brother," Scorpion suggested. "Ah," Reptile said. "Hey, Jakko," Snot said as R.Jak and the Ninjas gathered around the flaming table. "Guys, where's A.o.D.?" Zrith asked. "Who?" Sub-Zero asked. "My gosh! Brothers!" Smoke said. "We forgot to report the situation to the small business owner we were sent to find!" "But now we know the way there and back!" Sub-Zero said. "Yes!" Scorpion said. "Let us return to the coffee establishment and finish our mission!" The Ninjas quickly skittered back out the door, closing it behind them. "Huh," Lynxara said. Zrith grimaced and rubbed his forehead. "I have a headache." "What are *you* doing here, anyway?" S.D. asked R.Jak. "Well," Jakobi said, "the Ninja guys told me about their mission, and I figured, hey, A.o.D.'s gonna be busy until at least eleven tonight, so I think he'd really appreciate it if I took care of the situation for him." "What?" Zrith asked. "Why?" "I'm kinda hoping he'll take me on as his new sidekick," R.Jak answered. There was a moment of silence as everyone watched the two small dots continue to battle in the air with short blasts of ammo and beams and things. "Why?" Snot asked. "I mean, he treats his sidekicks pretty bad." "I'm hoping I'll end up like Burghy," Ryan answered. "I mean, I haven't told A.o.D. yet that I want to be his sidekick, but I'll get to it." "But Burghy went through physical and mental torture every waking moment he was a sidekick to A.o.D.," Gavok pointed out. "Burghy made four million by the time he was done," R.Jak said. There was a moment of silence as they continued to watch the fight. "*Damn*!" Snot said. "I wish *I* had four million dollars," W4 said. "Well, yeah," R.Jak said. "So do I. See?" "Yeah, we see," S.D. said. "So what are you gonna do?" "Is MMK up there?" R.Jak asked, pointing at the air battle. "Yup," Lynxara said. "What about him?" R.Jak asked, pointing to Gavok. "I'm up there too," Gavok said. "Oh, okay," Ryan said. "Guess all I can do is take the fic away and destroy it, then." "Guess so," Gavok said. "Projection booth's that way," S.D. said helpfully. "Nice armor, by the way." "Thanks," R.Jak said, lumbering up the stairs to the booth. "One or two?" W4 asked, handing out sticks. "What?" Zrith asked. "One," S.D. said as W4 opened a bag of white marshmallows. "Two, please," Lynxara said. "I'll have two and then one," Snot said. "I brought my own," Gavok said, pulling out a bag of coloured marshmallows. "Okay," W4 said, sticking two marshmallows on his stick and eating a third one raw. "Eww, you eat them raw?" S.D. said. "They're good," W4 said. "Seeya, guys!" R.Jak called, walking out of the theater with the reel of film tucked into his power armor. "Bye!" Snot called to him. "Four million," Zrith said to himself. "Christ." Everyone stood around the flaming tables in silence, watching the fight and toasting their marshmallows. The third marshmallow on Snot's stick slid off, landing with a plop in the center of the table. "Aww, man," Snot complained, pulling his stick out. He blew on the marshmallows to put the fire out and began biting off the black surface. "Wait a second," Zrith said. "What?" S.D. asked. "Does this mean the front door's been unlocked the whole time?" A moment of silence followed. "Well, *damn*," Snot said. "I feel silly," W4 said. "'Course, I always feel silly." "Shut up," Zrith said. "Come on." "Bye, guys!" W4 called, waving and munching on his marshmallows as Zrith dragged him out the doors by his collar. "Seeya!" S.D. called to W4. "I'm gonna head off too. Lynx, I'm sorry we had to meet like this." "I'll say," Lynx chuckled. "We should get together for coffee sometime. But not in the restaurant I've been hearing about today." "Yeah," S.D. agreed. "Somewhere respectable." "Okay, great," Lynx said. "See you, then. Bye, guys." "Yeah, bye!" S.D. said as the two of them left. "'Night, ladies," Snot called. "Well, 'Vokkers, it's been fun, man. I'm going to Hugbees. You coming?" "Nah," Gavok said, "I'm gonna watch the fight, wind down the theater, y'know." "Coo'," Snot said, heading for the door. "Later." "Later!" Gavok waved, turning and watching as Snot exited. Gavok's cellphone went off. "Oh!" Gavok said, reaching into his pocket. "Hello?" "Hey, man," MMK said. "Just calling to let you know." "Lemme know what?" Gavok asked. "Azuntos," MMK said, and hung up. Gavok hung up, closed the phone and put it back in his pocket. "Azuntos," he said, leaning on the corner of the table that wasn't burning. "Huh. Wonder what that means-" MMK's Strike Heads drove himself, wings and all, and Vidstudent, power armor and all, through the two flaming tables at a force usually reserved for eighteen-wheelers going 140 on a straight highway. Gavok, who was unfortunately leaning on the stack at the time, was clipped by the fall and experienced the unfortunate effects of being landed on. There was silence as MMK, Gavok and Vidstudent lay in the smouldering wreckage and ceiling debris. After two minutes, Gavok let his head fall to one side to stare at MMK and Vidstudent. "Oh," he said weakly. "Azuntos." "I'm so going to kill you guys when I can move, I'm not kidding," Vidstudent said weakly. "Well," MMK said weakly. "Good show, everyone." The three continued to lie there for a very long time. Vidstudent's power armor and MMK's feathered wings faded away eventually as the Gems powers ran down. "I fell on my keys," Vidstudent said weakly. ======== The bruised and battered bodies of MMK, Gavok and Vidstudent were able to crawl or limp away from the scene several hours later. Vidstudent crawled back to his apartment and slept for a week, and MMK and Gavok's whereabouts were unknown. This displeased the demonic entity who arrived at the theater at around eleven-thirty PM to find nobody there, a hole in the ceiling, a large pile of destroyed property in the center of the lobby, and no film reel of pain as had been claimed. "It will give you a few seconds to explain yourselves," It told the nearly-identical ninjas standing behind him, all of whom were holding Slurpees. "It is unfathomable to me!" Rain said. "Brothers?" "This is the correct location!" Smoke agreed. "I personally am very sure of it!" "We have failed in our mission," Sub-Zero said glumly. "Then," It began, "It must decide what is to be done with you. What is to be done with ninjas who cannot properly follow directions?" Ermac's head snapped up. "KILL THEM! KILL THEM!" Ermac yelled. "Ermac, he means us!" Scorpion quickly corrected. Ermac became silent. "It has accepted your advice," A.o.D. informed, whipping out a rail gun. The Ninjas turned to one another. "Ermac," Noob Saibot finally spoke, "you *stupid fucking bastard*." ======== "Your coffee, gentlemen," A.o.D. buzzed a week later as It dropped two mugs on the table. "Thanks!" W4 piped before sticking his nose back into the paper. Zrith looked idly over the table to the front page of the open paper, which read "PILE OF IDENTICAL BODIES FOUND NEAR THEATER STILL UNRESOLVED," and shook his head as he drank his coffee. "Ratings fly up 350% for cult TV favorite in Japan," W4 read in the Entertainment section. "Neat! Wonder if they're talking about Puni Puni Poemi." Zrith, taking his cup upward for another sip, stopped short and paused for a second. He put down the cup and was about to inquire about the article when W4 interrupted his thoughts. "Ooh!" he said. "The crossword puzzle!" Zrith stared at W4. W4 peered over the paper. "What?" W4 asked inquisitively. Zrith shook his head, picked up the remote, muted W4 and went back to his coffee. ======== Edited by: Thomas "Wanderer" Wilde storyteller@msc.net http://www.dimfuture.net/elsewhere/ James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight multimediocreknight@yahoo.com http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Battlefield/4281/ Leave feedback on this MiSTing at: http://network54.com/Hide/Forum/80982 Writing Staff: Alicia Ashby lynxara@bad-candy.com the Black Snotling Snotter@sluggy.net http://jupiter.spaceports.com/~Snotling Nicholas Eckert, the Vidstudent vidstudent@hushmail.com http://www.fortunecity.com/campus/law/44/ Mua LUIGI8888@aol.com http://mua4.tripod.com/MuaLand1/index.html Nippy eo_sako3006@yahoo.com SD Ryukage dragon48@ptd.net http://fly.to/sd_nexus John "Ripper Jak" Stoddert WYVERN5555@aol.com http://members.xoom.com/RipperJak/ Scott "W4" Watson woofersan@home.com http://indiemadnesse.sandwich.net Opening sketch by the MMK. Intermission sketch by R.Jak. Commercial ("Sorbiderms") by Thomas Wilde. Ending sketch by Vidstudent, the Black Snotling, R.Jak and the MMK. "One Destroys All" and "Karnal Kombat" are the property of Oni and Blue9Tiger, respectively. All Mortal Kombat characters are property of Midway; all La Blue Girl characters are property of whoever they're the property of, and their usage in this document isn't an attempt to steal them. All rights preserved. Mystery Octagon Theater: http://www.dimfuture.net/elsewhere/mot.html > "..." he whimpered in a mumble.