MSTing: The Ko Ryu 18 Steps Part 1 Script: John Schugard Improvement: John Kardel & Andraya Begley This is out first MSTing, and we had fun. Send any comments, questions, or love letters to ambrose@ns1.ptd.net or kardelj@haven.ios.com. Don't forget, if you mention this post, the kids read free! <--------------------------CUT HERE---------------------------> [Turn down your lights, and you won't be able to read this.] [Insert theme music and credits here.] (Our scene opens with Mike standing alone on the SOL.) MIKE: Oh, hi, everybody. Things are a little tense on the Satellite of Love since we've run out of some supplies and Dr. F. decided to take a little vacation. (Crow appears with a clothespin on his beak.) CROW: Yeah, Mike hasn't been able to shower for weeks.... (Tom Servo appears wearing a gas mask.) TOM: or brush his teeth. Geez, Mike, can't you stay in the lode pan bay or something until we get some more soap up here? MIKE: Hey, I thought robots weren't able to smell. CROW: Shows what you know, don't it? MIKE: Thank you, Hoggle. What makes you guys think Dr. F. is going to send more supplies up anyway? TOM: Well, you could start sending your dirty laundry down the umbilicus until he agrees. (The infamous red light flashes.) MIKE: That's not a bad idea...oh, look out, you guys, Avon's calling. [Deep 13] (Dr. F. is seen crawling out of a suitcase covered with travel stickers.) DR. F.: Oh, hello, Mary. Gotten a little low on the supplies, have you? Well, not to worry. I could never let you go without the necessities to clean yourself. After all, cleanliness is next to godliness and godliness is next to.......ME! Ha, ha! [SOL] MIKE: Gee, thanks, Dr. Forrester, I guess. Where have you been, anyway? TOM: Mike, don't encourage him. MIKE: Huh? [Deep 13] (The entire room is littered with souvenirs as Dr. F. searches through the suitcase.) DR. F.: Hmmmm? Oh, just wandering......studying different religions, different cultures, new forms of evil....AH! Here it is! (Dr. F. stands up, holding a small notebook.) [SOL] ALL: The soap? [Deep 13] DR. F.: No, today's experiment. It's a stinky little fanfic I found on rec.arts.anime.stories based on Ranma 1/2, a Japanese manga about a boy who becomes a girl when he is hit with cold water. Don't expect that to happen in this story, of course, but that's what the manga is about. (Turning back to the suitcase.) I did buy some soap while I was in China; it's got to be in here somewhere......Oh, well, I'll send it up while you suffer. I hope you can accept the pain, Michael-san.......... [SOL] (Stuff happens involving lights, sirens, and a Boston Cream Pie.) ALL: Arrgh! We've got Usenet Sign! [6...5...4...3...2...1...] > Reply to: Dave Gao TOM: Tell him you love him; he needs the support. > > RANMA 1/2: THE KO RYU 18 STEPS PART 1 [FANFIC] > CROW: Does this mean there's going to be 18 parts to this? MIKE: Oh, thanks, Crow; why don't I just go and slit my wrists now? CROW: Geez, it was just a thought. > > Netcom > Wed, 17 May 1995 00:57:56 GMT MIKE: Where were you when The Ko Ryu 18 Steps Part 1 was uploaded? CROW: The same place I was when Kurt Cobain died. TOM: The same place I was when John Lennon died. CROW: The same place I was when Jack Kennedy died. MIKE: Guys, that's really dark. Stop it. TOM: (whining) But you started it. CROW: (whining) Yeah. > Newsgroups: > rec.arts.anime.stories TOM: It may not be Hell, but you can smell it from there. CROW: Mike, that reminds me.... MIKE: I know. > > ------------------------------------------- > !Ranma 1/2 ! > ! ! > !The Ko Ryu 18 Steps - Part One-- ! > ! !-----------------------! ! > ! ----------------- ------! > ! ! ! !-- > ! ! ! !--- > !----------------! !---------------!ANMA (FANFIC) > MIKE: Come to Billboards'R'Us for your fanfic title needs! >Disclaimer: TOM: I didn't really write this; it was four other guys. > (To Ms. Rumiko Takahashi) > The characters are all yours... I am just borrowing > them for a little side-winding narrative that kinda > has to do with the plotline of Ranma 1/2... > *All rights belong to Ms. Rumiko Takahashi who has > created the Ranma series characters. > (To Viz Comics) > Hey is there only one person who is working in the > translation of Ranma 1/2? I mean, does it really take > 32 years for the 32 Ranma manga vols. to get > translated in English? Seriously, nobody is going to > rob your copyrighted stuff because right now people > read more fanfic than manga and it is not our fault > either. MIKE: Does this guy really think any of those people are going to read this thing? CROW: Does this guy really expect anyone to understand it? MIKE: Good point. > (To the rest of the readers) > Well, screw the message above... I do not know what > I am talking about anyway... ALL: Bingo. > > [NOTE: You probably wonder why I write in formal > English. TOM: as opposed to informal Swahili. > Actually my Microsoft Office is zapped and > now whenever I write something with an apostrophe > the word after it becomes invisible... but I can > probably find a way around this...] CROW: Oh, sure; blame Bill Gates for *everything*. MIKE: Why not? It's what the Macintosh users do. CROW: You have a point. >*Take this a little easy, guys... this is my first story. MIKE: OK, guys, got your aspirin? CROW & TOM: Check. MIKE: Demerol? CROW & TOM: Check. MIKE: Cyanide capsules? CROW & TOM: Check. MIKE: Then we're ready. On with the story. > Send all comments, praises, and flames to davegao@ix.netcom.com > -Dave CROW: But take it easy; don't tell him what you *really* think. >:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) TOM: (Ricardo Montalban) Smiles, everyone, smiles! >COMING SOON: > >KO RYU 18 STEPS PART 2 > (RANMA 1/2) >THERE'S A HUNTER TOKNIGHT > (BGC & CITY HUNTER!!!) >KYOUSUKE'S WURST NIGHTMARE EVER > (KOR & NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET) CROW: Smoking is not allowed in the theater! MIKE: and don't forget to visit our snack bar. >:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) MIKE: If Jesse Helms has his way the entire Internet will look like this...... TOM: Think about it, won't you? Thank you. > > - PROLOGUE - > > >I---------- > He has been around for too long, his highness decided. CROW: (The Tick) It's been two months and *already* I'm bored. > Watching the > filth cycling in the lives of humans and witnessing > the defeat of his own heir was too much to bear. And that was > the purpose of the cleanse. The cleanse before the age of > Maneki and Maneki alone. > MIKE: Remember, kids, Maneki only cleanses with Ivory soap! TOM: Uh, Mike.... MIKE: I know. >With a blink he tore away part of his paralyzed limbs, freeing > himself from the burden that has been cast upon him for all > these centuries. TOM: Powerful, isn't he? MIKE: Yep. > He screamed, roared with a voice that would > soar above the clouds and make the strongest eagles drop > down to the ground dying. CROW: See what happens when you don't brush your teeth? TOM: By the way, Mike... CROW: He knows. MIKE: Thank you, Crow. > >Condensing his strength into one point he tried once more, and > this time the building shook, bent, and finally gave way under > its anger. CROW: So, he's really powerful, then? TOM: Could be. MIKE: That's what I'm guessing. > The columns that supported the hallow fell, breaking > down to shambles. But he was still not free. CROW: Cheap? Yes. TOM: Easy? You bet! MIKE: But never, never free. > >Finally, with a cry that would petrify the heavens, he pulled > himself free... What was there in his place before had become > a shell. MIKE: So he put his ear to it and listened for the roar of the ocean. > >Nu did not know. CROW: So, he's powerful and stupid? Great combo. > Should he rest and regain his power? Or > should he simply start towards his goal? TOM: Maybe he should stop at Al's for a hot dog and some coffee. MIKE: He could always switch on the radio for some light jazz and the weather forecast. CROW: Dear Diary, I may be all powerful and stuff, but this morning I'm confused. > >And he decided to act. > TOM: So he enrolled in the Lee Strasberg School for Demigods! CROW: and then the scene faded out. > >II---------- > Mint and Lime MIKE: The latest taste sensation from Baskin-Robbins! > rushed in through the grandiose main gates, > barely able to catch their breath. > CROW: You know, some people really shouldn't try to catch their breath. TOM: Mike, that reminds me.... MIKE: Guys, the next one to do that has a time out coming. >"M...Masterrrr the inner t. temppple of the holy Jakou-Maneki > palace i...is coming dddownnn in pieces!!!" TOM: Is Torgo in this story too? MIKE: (Torgo) i'M IN SucH deMAnd THEse daYS I haD To stART mY OWn teMPLe CLeaNIng SeRVicE. > >Seeing their great potent master not responding, CROW: What does *that* mean? MIKE: Don't ask. > they quickly > splashed icy cold water on the dozing figure. > >"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Herb-chan sprinted five feet high > into the air, and came back down on the water bed head-first. MIKE: She didn't come out of her tuck in time and the Russian judge gave her a 3. > >"WHATTHEHELLAREYOUTWOIDIOTSDOING!!!" She > smashed the water-bucket across their faces, sending them > sailing to the end of the room. CROW: GETTINGBEATENUPBYAPSYCHOPATHWHY??? TOM: Hey, how'd she get the bucket away from them anyhow? MIKE: Go easy, Tom, it's his first story. TOM: Oh, right, like that explains *everything*. > >"Ti...titties......" MIKE: Guys.... CROW: We weren't gonna say anything, were we, Tom? TOM: Nope, not a thing. MIKE: Good. Let's move on. > Was all they managed to mumble with their > feeble voice. MIKE: So, I guess they weren't very big ones, were they? CROW & TOM: MIKE!!! MIKE: Sorry, guys. Had to be done. > >Herb, with her instincts, immediately noticed something > different. MIKE: We've secretly replaced Herb's temple with Folger's Crystals. Let's watch. > There seemed to be some sort of eerie aura that is > lingering around the sacred circle in the heart of the Maneki > palace. CROW: It could have been the new incense that is burning in the temple, but Herb won't be able to tell. TOM: *This* is formal English? > >"Hey what had HAPPENNNNE...?!!!" She was suddenly > thrown off balance and was sent flying into Mint and Lime who > were just about to get up. CROW: Mike, were you ever sent flying into Mint and Lime? MIKE: I'll tell you all about it when you're a bit older. CROW & TOM: Awwwwww..... > >The three saw a semi-transparent shadow hovering the room, TOM: over a Stuckey's..... CROW: Mike, how do you hover a room? MIKE: No idea. > and, with a movement even too fast for Herb to tell, dissolved > into the surrounding air. MIKE: Shadows dissolve into thin air, but not in your hand! CROW: I never eat the green shadows. TOM: I like my shadows with peanuts. > >What they didn't see was that the shadow reassembled itself in > the air just six inches above their heads. > CROW: and we don't get to see it either because *this* scene is fading out. MIKE: Boy, just when you think something's going to happen.... > > >Step I - Hi-Ryu-Sho-Ten-Ha > TOM: The first step on the road to recovery! MIKE: Recovery from what? TOM: I don't know; pick something. > >"Hi Ryu Sho Ten Ha has been one of the most mysterious and > powerful moves in the history of Anything-Goes Martial Arts... > when combined with a precise timing, the flying-dragon- > ascension defeat produces a shattering cyclone that proves to > be quite deadly. Being technique has been lost for over two > thousand years, legend only recorded it having some relation > with a difference in temperature..." > > -Compendium of Chinese Kensu, manual excavated in > 1932 near the south-east region of Tibet > MIKE: Voice over by John Chancellor. TOM: or James Earl Jones. CROW: or Patrick Stewart. MIKE: Now all this fanfic needs is an Albert Glasser soundtrack. CROW: I wouldn't go *that* far. > >I--------- > The winter in Nerima was as harsh as it had been during the > preivous year. The weatherman reported over half a foot of > snow, though no one doubted him this time. MIKE: Remember when he tried to tell us it was raining cats and dogs? TOM: Or the time he wanted us to believe that the yen was becoming more valuable? CROW: Or the time he told us that the bomb had been dropped? MIKE: Some people think they can get away with anything. > Akane sighed, > delicately rubbing her mittened hands in front of the heater. TOM: So, it's cold at the moment? CROW: I'm not sure. > The old family heater glowed, emitting friendly waves that > embraced Akane in a big warm hug. MIKE: That's how she knew it was a Coleman heater! Other heaters may emit heat that coats you like a glaze or covers you like a shroud, but only Coleman heaters hug you with friendly waves! CROW: Mike, are you feeling okay? MIKE: Sure, Crow. Why? > After all, New Year was > only a couple of days away. TOM: Akane was really looking forward to putting on the saki goggles and dancing on the tables! CROW: What does this have to do with the way the old heater worked? MIKE: Go easy; it's his first story. > >Ranma slided the door open and walked into the living room. CROW: Sure, it's his first story. Like that's an excuse! TOM: Maybe he'll try to blame that one on Bill Gates. > Though it was below freezing, he was still training every > morning against Genma. There was still some sweat on his > body, and that it shone against the light. CROW: The sweat was frozen on his body, that it was so cold outside and all. MIKE: There's got to be something else to riff on besides the spelling and grammatical errors, guys. TOM: How can there be, Mike? Nothing has *happened* yet! > Outside, a panda was > trying desperately to get up - clenching its paws, attempting to > make some friction against the glasslike ice so that it could > climb out from the pond. > >Suddenly, Akane felt so hot. TOM: She realized it was because her clothes were burning. MIKE: After all, she was in the warm embrace of a Coleman heater. CROW: Enough with the product placement already! > She had never been like this > before, especially when Ranma was within her sight. But then > she was itching all over and her soft skin seemed to be allergic > to her clothes. CROW: Is this a new form of cooties? TOM: I think so. > Dressing seemed... unnecessary now. In truth > it was too burdensome. TOM: In fact, Akane could see an entire new career stretching before her. MIKE: Tom, I'm warning you... TOM: What? I'm not making fun of this guy's "formal English", am I? > >Ranma came along and sat in front of her. MIKE: Right on top of the heater. TOM: YYYOOOOOWWWWWWCCCCCHHHHHH!!!!!! CROW: (falsetto) Gee, I thought you had to be a *girl* for your voice to get that high. > For a while time > seemed to pause, the two just stared into each other's eyes. MIKE: The Harold Pinter School of Love Scenes! > Akane blushed as she felt an overwhelming desire to be held. CROW: In fact, she suddenly wanted to be forcibly restrained! MIKE: Crow.... CROW: What? What did I do? > Ranma looked so... different, she thought. So... mature... > and... se...sexy. Her thoughts were coming in spasms. MIKE: We don't need to say much about that, do we? TOM: Where's the stock footage of a train going through a tunnel? > >"How...what is going on?' She asked. > "Don't say anything, my love." Ranma replied. TOM: (Ranma) You know how I *hate* it when you talk. > >She heard the words "my love" and thought she was in fact the > pitiable Juliet whose lover Romeo had just arrived, that the > two had justly reunited at last... MIKE: So she grabbed a knife and killed herself on the spot. CROW: Is that really what Juliet did? MIKE: Well, in a sense. > >Ranma lowered his head and it seemed like the inevitable was > going to happen... > TOM: Hey, you two! CROW: Watch it..... >SMMMMOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUCCCCHHHH!!!!!! TOM: Oh. MIKE: So, it was a long kiss, then. CROW: Not by some standards. MIKE: How do *you* know? CROW: (whistles) > >Akane woke up feeling herself in parts. TOM: How do you think she did *that*? CROW: Bet it was fun to watch. MIKE: (falsetto) Every morning I wake up in a different contortion. > When she got up she > could only wake up three of her toes along with her. Akane > waited a while so that blood could circulate through her body > and give her her senses back. MIKE: Come to your senses, Akane, and get out of this fanfic! > But then she found out she was > holding onto something tight when her fingers regained > consciousness. MIKE: It was...a half eaten sandwich! TOM: The latest Stephen King bestseller! CROW: The severed head of a horse! MIKE: Oh, yuck.... > She had somehow, in her sleep, stuffed half of > her pillow into her mouth and her nails were buried deep, > grabbing on to the pillow as if she still wanted more! CROW: In fact, she had choked to death about 45 minutes ago and rigor mortis was already setting in. TOM: Either that or she has a *really* big mouth. MIKE: I think we've said all we want to about this. CROW: I think you're right. > >She looked about franctically and felt something squirm against > her butt. TOM: Oh, no, please..... > She lifted the drool-stained blanket and found P-chan > almost dead as it was squeezed forcefully all night long. CROW: How did she drool all over the blanket if she had a pillow stuffed in her mouth? MIKE: Go easy, guys.... CROW & TOM: (monotone) it's his first story. > In fact > P-chan looked more like a thin piece of paper than a pig. She > tried to pick it up but P-chan inflated itself and sprinted out > the room in horror. MIKE: P-chan is actually Akane's self inflating pet toy balloon. CROW: New from BLAMMO! > Akane sat on the futon alone. > >What the hell kinda kinky dream was that, she reflected while > pulling out the pillow from her mouth with a "pop" and spitting > out some of its cotton-feathers along the way. Akane was > struck with both shame and anger, and she furiously stomped > about just to wake everyone else up. > >She busted open the door to Ranma's room just in time to see > Ranma sprinting 9 feet high into the air. MIKE: So, who's your favorite in the bedroom gymnastics competition? TOM: Akane's feeling herself in parts was interesting.... CROW: I'm rather partial to Herb's water bed tumbling. > >"G..Geez what a nightmare" Ranma said with his lips closed, > his head buried deep in the ceiling. MIKE: (Ranma) I dreamt that some 20 foot monster was stomping around in the hall! > >Ranma thought he had dreamed that he was confronted by > Pansuto Tarou again, TOM: Ranma knows who that is, folks, just take our word for it. > but this time the panty-hose maniac > dipped himself so that he'd have those hair-like flagella of a > jellyfish, the claws of an falcon as his forehands and the legs of > a tiger as the hind. Ranma had to rescue Akane from the > terrible fate of wearing a special dress designed by Pansuto. > The dress, surprisingly, was solely made from panty-hoses > discarded by people who had athelete's foot or other diseases > with their feet. CROW & TOM: Ewwwwww.... MIKE: I could have gone my whole life without seeing that. > Thus to avoid marrying an uncute bride who > was not only an accurate and fatal cook, a brutal manipulator, > a crazy baka, a short-circuited-brain and flat-chested girl, but > also an uncute bride who stinked sky-high, Ranma had to act > quickly before Pansuto successfully kidnapped Akane away. MIKE: God knows he couldn't let this dream become *coherent*. CROW: Here I thought "Design for Dreaming" was bad... MIKE: "Design for Dreaming" *was* bad. TOM: He's got you there, Crow. > However, problems arose when Pansuto tied Akane to a stake > guarded by giant cats whose eyes could stun the very gruesome > cannibals themselves... and that's when he woke up. TOM: Since his head was buried in the ceiling, he felt much better and immediately calmed down. > >Genma and Soun proved to be in no better shape as they woke > up with their hazel eyes. They had been dreaming that the > women whose undergarments had been stolen ganged up on > them instead of their master... CROW: So, everyone's having bad dreams? TOM: Yep. > >In the other room Nabiki shrieked as she woke up from a > horrible dream of paying tips to all the waiters in the most > expensive restaurants she had gone to for a repentance and > atonement of her past stinginess. Even Kasumi sweated as she > imagined her food tasted like Akane's cookies in her dream. MIKE: Bad dreams, I guess. TOM: Pretty much. CROW: Freddie Krueger-san is going to show up any minute now... > >Happosai similarly had the worst night in his life. TOM: ENOUGH WITH THE BAD DREAMS! WE GET IT; OKAY? > He dreamed > that all his precious collections suddenly grew out pairs of > wings and they all flew into the sky leaving the poor old man > their sweet scent behind... CROW: Um, what's he talking about? MIKE: Don't worry about it, Crow. > >"This cannot be... all of us having bad or erratic dreams? Does > that mean something bad is gonna happen...?" CROW: Like another Judd being born? > Soun calculated > carefully. CROW: He counted on all his fingers and toes! TOM: Guys, we gotta go. CROW: Dibs on the shower. MIKE: Sure, you two can go first.... [1...2...3...4...5...6...*] [A computer animated polar bear is doing martial arts exercises with a samurai sword. He chops through a concrete pole, kicks through a steel plate held by another computer animated polar bear, and leaps into the air to turn a perfect somersault. Unfortunately, the ice cracks beneath his foot as he lands, causing him to fall forward onto the sword and die a horrible, painful death. Oh, by the way, Coca-Cola is a very refreshing drink.] (Back on the SOL, Mike is brushing his teeth. He rinses out his mouth and spits a green slimy liquid into a glass.) CROW: (offstage) Shower's all yours, Mike! MIKE: Thanks! (Exit Mike and enter Crow and Tom, both with towels wrapped around them.) CROW: So, run this by me again. Ranma turns into a girl when he's hit with cold water and back into a guy when he's hit with hot water? TOM: Yep. That's what it says in my anime database. CROW: Wow, that's pretty goofy. Hey, I wonder how much water it takes to make Ranma change. TOM: What do you mean? CROW: Well, would Ranma change if somebody spit on him? TOM: What, like this? (Tom spits on Crow, who instantly turns into a model attack helicopter.) TOM: AAAAAHHHHHH!! MIKE! GYPSY! HELP! (The front mounted watergun on the helicopter strafes Tom Servo, who instantly turns into a 5 speed blender filled with cranberries and milk. As the blender's motor revs in consternation, Gypsy enters.) GYPSY: Oh, my. I guess you boys will need some hot water. (Gypsy exits, followed by the helicopter. The blender bounces off after them.) (Mike enters, still in the process of drying himself off.) MIKE: Hey guys, what's all the fuss? (When there is no answer, he shrugs and continues to dry himself. As he turns his back to the camera and stretches out his towel in true "Zest-fully clean" fashion, we see the words "Jusenkyo Magical Spring Soap" embroidered on the towel.) (Crow and Tom, now their normal selves, enter.) CROW: Mike! You're never gonna believe this! MIKE: What? TOM: Yeah, it was really incredible! MIKE: What was incredible? CROW: I can't wait to tell you.... [Lights flash, sirens wail, and mylar prices skyrocket.] ALL: We've got Usenet sign! [6...5...4...3...2...1] > > TOM: You're never gonna believe it, Mike. MIKE: Well, now you'll have to tell me later. >II------------ > The Tendo living room was suppressed with a dark aura. MIKE: That's what happens when you watch too much of the OJ trial. > Everyone was lost in the thought of some imminent evil that > had lurked around the dojo and caused all the nightmares. CROW: What's Newt Gingrich doing in Japan? > What exactly had happened to the once very peaceful... well, > rather peaceful, household? MIKE: OK, let's face it; this household was never peaceful. TOM: Two things could have happened....no *three* things...FOUR things could have happened to this household. > >"I think I have a way to ward off the evil spirits." Genma said > plainly. CROW: Tell them about your dreams. > >"I think I do too." TOM: (Soun) My way's better than yours. CROW: (Genma) Is not! TOM: (Soun) Is too! > Soun joined in for the echo. > MIKE: A Japanese barber shop quartet echo! >"We'll make Akane and Ranma marry tomorrow so that their > marriage brings luckiness and good aura to cancel out the bad > aura!!!" CROW: Mike, did you ever do something just to bring luckiness to your household? MIKE: I never even did anything to bring *luck*. CROW: See where that got you? > Within half a second Ranma and Akane rammed their > dads into the floor. > >"If you're so eager about marrying then marry each other!" > TOM: (Genma) Ranma, my boy, I've been meaning to talk to you about that.... MIKE: Stop it this instant. >After about ten more minutes the ruckus was at last mercifully > over and every sat down again discussing what to do next. All > of a sudden a huge explosion occured and there was a huge > hole on the ground of the Tendo backyard. > >"Ryu-Chi-Zan!!!" MIKE: Can I interest you in our fine line of garden tools? > A voice shouted as all the windows were > violently broken and glasses showered the entire dojo. > TOM: Glasses? MIKE: Never mind that, it - TOM & CROW: It's his first story. >A gale wind blew into the yard from no where and formed into > a shadow floating in the air as the group came running. > >"I shall take Akane Tendo as my bride. If the rest cooperate > their lives may be spared. I am the spirit of the dragon of the > Jakou-Maneki dynasty and I claim Akane Tendo as my > bride!!!" The shadow announced. > > >III------------- > "Never!!! I have defeated Herb already so get your fat ass > back to China!" CROW: So, when did Ranma defeat Herb? MIKE: In an earlier story, Crow. You should go a bit easier; this is his first.....hey! > Ranma stood on the roof alone, away from > the rest of the Tendo family. TOM: Since no one else in the family liked to jump onto roofs. > >"Ranma!!!" Akane cried out anxiously. "Be careful! He seem > to be no common person!" MIKE: Seeing as how he are a talking shadow and all. CROW: Where did this guy learn formal English, anyway? > >"Bwahaha...Herb? He was only fit to be my lowest servant! I > shall make myslef clear once more... ALL: Booga boogada blah blah ha boom boom ha! > I am the dragon whose > descendants became the Jakou Maneki dynasty lines! TOM: The best railroads in the entire Orient! > I was, > am, and will be the sole governor of the world!!!" CROW: What *is* Newt Gingrich doing in Japan? TOM: Well, he said he wanted to take America back. > >In the flash of a second Ranma jumped down from the roof and > was now standing in front of the shadow. "I know what you > mean... MIKE: Hey, Ranma, could you explain it to *us*? > what I don't understand, however, is why you chose > Akane as your bride. You see, I care about you. CROW: I want you all to myself! MIKE: Crow, I've already warned Tom....... > I don't want > you to get stuck with this snobby tomboy... why, you won't > even know when you'd get poisoned! I say, if you marry > Akane the line of Jakou-Maneki will be completely ruined! It > will end right here with her hazardous food and temper!" > Before he had a chance to add another commetnt Ranma got > slammed with a mallet that had a mark "1000 ton." carved into > its surface. TOM: (English accent) This is the proper technique when you are attacked by a man wielding a banana! MIKE: (ditto) What if you are attacked by a man with a pointed stick? TOM: Shut up! > >"You just love to talk, huh?" Akane gritted her teeth. CROW: (Ranma) Hey, it beats semaphore! > >"Enough of this stupid conversation! I WANT AKANE!!!" > He bellowed. "Yo! The old man over there! Prepare the > dowry! Within 24 hours I want Akane in a lavish wedding > dress and I want a renovated dojo as the dowry or else no one > leaves here alive!! Also, I want that panda there captured and > roasted on the wedding banquet!!!" > >Soun froze into ice and shatters as Nabiki turned to stone when > they heard the demands of the dowry. CROW: Don't you have to be hit with water to change in these stories? > They could really care > less about the panda but the dojo was important. "Ha...Haha... > you are not serious...See, I'm just a regular panda who is > peace-loving and always strive to entertain others." Panda held > a sign high above its head, pleading for its life. TOM: Wow, this panda carries a really big sign. MIKE: So, when did someone turn into a panda? TOM: (nasally) Go easy; it's his first story. > >"IN YOUR DREAMS!!!" Ranma suddenly interrupted. CROW: NOT MORE DREAMS!! > "Moko Takabishyaaaaaa_________!!!!!!!!" Energy blasts > glowed around Ranma's hands as he brought them together for > the ki-fireball. > >"Kiddie stuff." Nu replied nonchalantly. "Aan." A sound > escaped his throat as he drew a huge circle in the air with his > right index finger and the fireballs were dissolved in mid-air as > they approached Nu. TOM: Any idea what's going on? MIKE: I think they're fighting. CROW: You sure? MIKE: Nope. > >"Dumb ass, I'm back here!" Nu turned his head just to see > Ranma closing in for attack. "Tenshin Amaguriken!" His fists > went bezerk as he pounded on his target. > >"I see you have a hard-on for chestnuts... TOM: What does *that* mean? MIKE: I don't want to know. > very well. Here you > go!!! Combo--Scale Shield!!" With a move as fast as > Ranma's, Nu blocked each of his opponent's hit with a > chestnut. > >Ranma exploded when he realized he was in fact helping Nu > cracking his chestnuts and Nu gladly went about lunching on > the shell-less nuts. MIKE: You know, it's really rude to eat during a fight. CROW: Doesn't George Foreman do it? > >"Boy these are delicious!!! They still taste good after I brought > them all the way from China!" Nu happily pigged away his > snack. "By the way is this the best you can do, Ramen... I > meant Ranma?" > >Ranma froze. Never had he met such an enemy before. MIKE: Most of Ranma's time was spent fighting against cybernetic squirrels. TOM: ....and pandas. > His > chance of victory seemed almost completely out of reach. > Ranma looked crestfallen, his confidence failing him more as > time went on. CROW: (Ranma) Now I'll never be able to make this story interesting! Boo hoo! > >"Now it's time to say good-bye." MIKE: (singing) "Good night, sleep tight." TOM: Thank you, Ringo. > Nu said calmly, bringing his > hand up above his head.. "HEI-SEN-KI-ZAN!!!" The > atmosphere condensed as his left hand pointed towards the sky > in an odd manner. > >Ranma was totally alarmed. TOM: and mildly excited. > This shadow...whoever he was... > could control ki with such skill that they forced the > surrounding air to form semi-translucent blades! > >"Die." The blades cut through the thin air, spinning towards > Ranma. Crap... there's gotta be a way to handle this, he > thought. CROW: Couldn't he just get out of the way? TOM: Naw, way too easy. > >Within a fraction of a second Ranma tore away part of his > clothes and inserted all his ki into it. The piece of cloth > hardened like steel as the blades were within a foot away from > Ranma's body. Ranma quickly used the piece of cloth as a > shield and finally had enough time to duck as the blades' tracks > were slightly altered when they contacted the ki-shield. The > steel-like cloth was sniped into three segments like a piece of > paper. MIKE: Remember, kids, don't try this at home. These are trained professionals. > >"Damn... you're tough." Ranma said, panting. CROW: Observant, isn't he? TOM: That's what we like about him. > >"Hmmm... I see that you are worthy enough to be killed. > Being dispatched from this world by my own hands is the > highest honor a human being can be bestowed..." CROW: Better than lunch with Morrissey? WOW! > Suddenly > flames lit up around the shadow's figure. The incredible > dragon aura blew everyone back ten meters. > >"Panda leaving for zoo and bamboo now." The panda > scrambled to its feet and started sprinting like there's no > tomorow. MIKE: Eventually the panda got a job with Adam West on the old Batman series..... CROW: I'd always wondered how those fight scenes were done. > >Nabiki swooned as she saw herself spending the weekend > repairing the roofs of the dojo instead of feeding herself in a > romantic French restaurant at her new date's expense. > >Akane and Ranma alone remained and refused to lose ground. MIKE: You know, this is the kind of thinking that kept The Creeping Terror fed for a whole movie. > >"None that disobey shall leave alive!!!" Nu screamed. He > lifted himself higher in the air, his entire shape opaque and was > turning fervently red. "I summon the fire dragon now... > Dances of hellfire!!!" Nu charged up all his flames and dashed > down aiming Ranma, but then Ranma finally saw what he > could do. CROW: Take our word for it; Ranma understood what was going on. > Nu's ki increased tenfold as he closed in. Ranma > began to retreat in steady paces, drawing Nu into a rotating > circle. > >"You have nowhere to run!!!" Nu shouted. Ranma started to > feel his fingers getting numb. His muscles then followed, > giving a delayed reaction caused by a significant temperature > drop in his body. Ranma could feel his blood boiling inside his > veins, under his icy skin. > >You've asked for it, bastard... Ranma thought. To everyone > else the two moved so fast that all they could tell were traces > of dazzling light rays, one of them bloody red, the other being > slightly blue. MIKE: ESPN presents full contact PKA kaleidoscope karate! > The two waves blended and mixed in harmony, > and the air violent swirled into a whirlpool shape. > >"HI-RYU-SHO-TEN-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA......." MIKE & TOM: (singing) "and a partridge in a pear tree." > >Ranma stood firmly as the cyclone rose and pierced into the > sky, taking Nu back up into the air at least a hundred meters > off the gruond. > >Nu disappeared. > >Ten seconds later Nu re-assembled in front of the Tendo dojo, > a small trickle of blood ran down between his lips. TOM: How can anyone see lips on a shadow? MIKE: Oh, the shadow is Nu? CROW: (old lady) I just had my shadow replaced, don't you think it's much nicer than the old one? > Ranma's > eyes bulged. No one could have survived that hurricane!!! > Not even Herb!!! > >Nu suddenly teleported to the back of Akane and grabbed her > waist. MIKE: Teleport to Akane's back today and see the world! > >"Ranma!!!" Akane screamed. > >"Akane!!!" Ranma yelled, sensing that Nu had got Akane. TOM: How do you think he sensed that Nu had got Akane? MIKE: He probably used his eyes. TOM: Is that fair? > >"Dragon-ascension-defeat, huh?" Nu whispered with an evil > smile. TOM: Next time do it in time with the music. CROW: Didn't Albert Glasser tell us that move was lost for thousands of years? MIKE: Go easy on him, Crow, it's.....oh forget it. > "I see this is getting more interesting than I thought." > >"I'll tell you what. This is the first time I have ever been > injured by any human on earth and I think you may be more > than you seem." TOM: (Nu) I'll bet you're a wonderful cocktail waitress! > He paused, wiping off the blood from his > mouth. "I shall set up a challenge then... I will come back at > the next full moon and hold a death-match. Everyone can > come. Whoever wins take Akane back." Nu vanished into the > air with Akane. > >So it comes down to a simple challenge. Ranma mused. Go > ahead. I just want to see how cocky you can get... > >"Next full moon..." Soun interrupted. > "That's tonight!!!" Genma shrieked. > >"Well, I meant the following new moon." Nu re-appeared with > an apologizing look. TOM: (Nu) Sorry, everyone, I'm too powerful to think. > >"You asshole!!! After all these junk you're still here?" MIKE: Ranma! Language! CROW: Syntax! TOM: Basic grammar! MIKE: That wasn't what I was complaining about. > With a > yell Ranma kicked him back into the atmosphere. > >"That means..Ranma has only 15 days to train!!!" Kasumi said. > >"Correct." Replied a crooked voice. MIKE: (singing) There was a crooked man, and he had a crooked voice. >Everyone turned around just in time to see Cologne's venerated > visage. > TOM: Why would Cologne be venerated in Japan? MIKE: Well, it is a very important part of the Japanese psyche to carry a pleasant scent. CROW: Oh, Mike, that reminds me...... > > > TOM: Stay tuned for Step Two: The Major Martial Arts Belch! [1...2...3...4...5...6] MIKE: So what were you guys so excited about before? CROW: Well, we're not sure we can tell you. TOM: Yeah, we don't think you'd believe us. MIKE: Come on, guys, you can tell me. I mean, if you can't trust me, who can you trust? CROW: Well, you showered with that new soap Dr. F. had sent up, right? MIKE: Yeah? So? TOM: Weeeelllllllll......I don't think we can tell you, Mike. CROW: (snickers) Yeah, maybe it would be better if we just *showed* you. (Crow ducks behind the table, reappears with a bucket of water and splashes Mike with it. Mike instantly becomes Nuveena, Woman of the Future and starts to dance around the SOL.) CROW & TOM: Aaaarrrggghhh! Gypsy! Mommy! Senator Packwood, HELP! (Crow and Tom exit quickly while Nuveena continues to dance. She faces Cambot just as the red light flashes behind her.) NUVEENA: (singing) Dr. F., what have you done to me? Just how big an idiot can you be? [Deep 13] (The Deep 13 camera shows an empty room for about a minute. Then a rubber frog bath toy bounces across the room, up to the keyboard, and somehow manages to push the button.) ORIGINAL SCRIPT: John Schugard IMPROVEMENT: John Kardel & Andraya Begley SANDWICHES: Scott and Jessica Werbin BUS SCHEDULES: That guy in the Blue Jacket DEFENDANT: O.J. Simpson SPECIAL THANKS TO: The Authors of the First Amendment Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. This MSTing is intended as pure fun and is not intended as a personal attack on the author in any way. After all, it's his first story, and we would never do that. >:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)