[SOL - Mike is at the bridge console, carefully writing something in a large, leather-bound book] MIKE: [Speaking as he writes] "...ten different kinds of cheese." Fantastic! Boy, this is a lot easier than I thought! [Crow and Tom enter] CROW: Hi Mike. Whatcha doin'? MIKE: Oh, hey guys. Nothing much, just working on my book. TOM: Oh. CROW: Ah. [pause] TOM: No, c'mon, seriously - what're you up to? MIKE: I *am* serious, Tom. I'm writing a book. CROW: [guffaws] *You*?!? An *author*?!? TOM: Get real, Nelson! MIKE: No, really. And not to sound too immodest, but I think it's a darn spiffy little book! When we finally get back to earth, it'll make me a fortune. CROW: Hmmmmmm - [to Tom] Y'think? TOM: Hell, why not - stranger things have happened. So what is this breathless literary work, the great American novel? CROW: Something cashing in on the "Harry Potter" craze? TOM: Another dreary "Star Wars" novelization? CROW: A text version of "Where's Waldo"? TOM: "Chicken Soup for the Doofus's Soul"? CROW: A guide to really bad movies? MIKE: Nonono, it's a book of poetry. CROW: Poetry? MIKE: Well, haikus, actually. TOM: Haikus. MIKE: Right. And they're all about Wisconsin. CROW: Wisconsin. MIKE: Yep. Neat, huh? TOM: Let me get this straight - you've written a book that's nothing but haikus about the state of Wisconsin. MIKE: Uh-huh. CROW: [pause] Mike, that - that - that is the most BRILLIANT idea for a book I've ever heard! TOM: Outstanding! You're a true visionary, my friend! MIKE: Really? Y'think? CROW: Absolutely! We'll make a mint off of this! MIKE: Thanks, I really - wait, what do you mean "we"? CROW: Well, you gotta have an agent, y'know. TOM: And, of course, a publicist. MIKE: Guys, I... CROW: No, please, Mike, I know you appreciate it, but I couldn't possibly take any more than 50% of the gross. TOM: The same goes for me. Not a penny over half. MIKE: Ummmm, well... CROW: Great! Now, let's hear some of your work, you mad genius you! TOM: Wisconsin haikus! Man, those hack writers Clancy and Grisham and King are gonna kick themselves for not thinking of this first! MIKE: Okay, here's my first one. *ahem*: Under serene starlight, I dream of verdant dairy fields. Wisconsin! Woooo, Packers! TOM: Huh. CROW: Well, then. MIKE: Whattaya think? Great, huh? CROW: Hmmmmm, not bad, but - I dunno, something seems... TOM: Off. CROW: Yeah, off. MIKE: Really?! CROW: Maybe it's just me. Try another one. MIKE: [flips pages] Okay. Ummm - ah! This is one of my favorites: Milwaukee fills my soul Like a rerun of "Happy Days". Hail, UW-Stout! CROW: I dunno - I mean, it's nice and all, but there's still something not quite right about it. TOM: [mumbling] hail-u-doub-le-u-stout. Uh-oh! MIKE: What? TOM: Mike, I hate to pick nits, but you *do* know what a "haiku" is, right? MIKE: Sure, it's a form of Japanese verse with a 6-8-6 syllable form for a total of 18 syllables. TOM: Okay, first, you *do* know 6+8+6 equals 20, not 18? MIKE: [Uncertainly] Well, I admit I didn't quite understand that part, but I figured it had something to do with Synergy or something. CROW: Just out of curiosity, Nelson, where did you get your information about haikus? MIKE: I found this whole big article about them on our computer - that's what inspired me in the first place. TOM: [sighs] You mean the computer with the bug, right? The one the Nanites still haven't got around to fixing? MIKE: Yeah, but that shouldn't affect this... CROW: Mike - do you remember what that particular bug does? MIKE: Sure, it adds one to every number it displayed. That's why I don't use it for - math - problems... D'OH!!!!! [As Mike begins swatting himself in the head with the large leather- bound book, the message lights begins to flash] TOM: Poor sap. CROW: Once again, technology sabotages the artistic process. TOM: Uh-oh. Heads up, fellas, it's Elizabeth Barrett and the Brownings. [CASTLE FORRESTER - Pearl & crew are wielding what look like portable leaf blowers. Various small objects (spoons, books, clocks, a Pokemon ball, a Furby, etc.) are floating around their heads, and eerie moaning and groaning can be heard in the background.] PEARL: Mike - hate to interrupt your little bout of self-flagellation, but we got a situation down here. OBSERVER: It appears, all application of logic to the contrary, that the ancestral abode of the Forrester family is home to some sort of malevolent ephemeral disembodied intellect. PEARL: In English, what the Brain means is, we're haunted! [SOL] CROW: Haunted?!? MIKE: By who? TOM: Or... by what? [CF] PEARL: How the hell should I know?!? I think... FURBY: [vague cooing sounds] PEARL: GAAAH! [swatting the Furby away] Blasted little beast! Anyway, my first instinct was that it was just Apeboy snoring again. BOBO: Hey! I don't snore! Do I? PEARL: But since it's apparently not, if I *had* to guess, I'd say it's likely great-great-grandmother Mehitabel Forrester - she never liked having company over. Plus, she snored like a buzzsaw, too. BOBO: I don't *really* snore, do I? I mean, my upper respiratory tract is as clean as - Aaaaaaahh!!!!!! It's - it's horrible! Simply HORRIBLE!!!! PEARL: What?!? Where? OBSERVER: Did you see the ghost?!? BOBO: [rubbing his shoe up and down his leg] No no, it's this blasted foot fungus I have - it itches something terrible! PEARL: [Solicitously] Ooh, poor baby. Maybe it would help if you tried a Dr. Shoal's brand PROTON PACK!! [Pearl whaps Bob's foot with the leaf blower] BOBO: OWOWOWOW - say, that does seem to help, Lawgiver. Another please? PEARL: Save it! Anyway, while we figure out what's going on down here, we're sending you your own little mystery to plod through. Tell 'em about, Brain Guy. OBSERVER: It's a semi-coherent Scooby-Doo/Superman crossover story, written by one of Pearl's favorite fellow mad scientists, Doctor Thinker! PEARL So here's slime in your eyes, Satellite-Boys! POKEMON BALL: Pika pika! ALL: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (All three begin discharging their "proton packs", which are full of what appears to be semi-gelatinous goop, at each other in panic] [SOL] All: Ewwwwwwwwww!!!! [lights and buzzer] OH NO! WE GOT THINKER SIGN!!! [Chaos, doors, etc.] [6] {5} (4) <3> |2| O [All enter] MIKE: How'm I gonna chop a syllable out of each line? CROW: With an ax, I'm guessing. >################################## > Scoody-Doo/Superman [All pause for a second] CROW: So - *Scoody*-Doo, then, not *Scooby*-Doo. MIKE: Maybe Scoob's out on strike, and this is his fill-in. TOM: Nah, in that case, he'd be *Scabby*-Doo. MIKE: So soon with the bad puns, Servo? TOM: Hey, it's a defense mechanism, okay? Deal with it! > In > "The Case of the Beast With the Red Kryponite Vest" MIKE: The Night of the Bloodbeast With the Red Kryponite Vest? TOM: No, it's more like the War of the Colossal Beast With the Red Kryponite Vest. CROW: Actually, it's the Track of the Moonbeast With the Red Kryponite Vest. > by Dr. Thinker > TOM: Hey Doc, it hurts when I do this. MIKE: Take two mismatched series, write a confusing fanfic about them, and call me in the morning. >For this to work following the must to know. CROW: For this to read word structure the must to decipher try. > This story >takes place in the Sliver Age, 1972. CROW: I thought the Sliver Age was when Sharon Stone lived in a building full of peeping toms. TOM: Hey! CROW: Nothing personal. > Scoody-Doo has yet to >Scrappy-Doo. TOM: Ah, this *is* the good old days! > (I know a lot of people hate his mutt, CROW: Um, was that a pun? MIKE: Mmm, dunno. It's kinda hard to tell with Doc. > but I >like him.) TOM: Great Rao! He *is* mad! > Superman has all of his powers CROW: Even the silly ones, like super-mapfolding and graphite vision. > and stills works >at the "Daily Planet". > MIKE: "Old Perry White" brand moonshine - a few drinks and *you'll* be seeing Great Caesar's Ghost, too. >The Sliver SUPERMAN and related charactersis owned by DC. CROW: Proudly 100% Mutant-Free since 1939! >Hanna-Banana ownes Scooby-Doo and his friends. ALL: [singing] Yes, we Hanna-Bananas, We Hanna-Bananas today! > > > > ################ > CASE 986120 ALL: HIKE! > FILE BY VELMA DINKEY CROW: It's the V-Files! MIKE: [Mulder] This I just refuse to believe! I'm outta here! TOM: "Dinkey"? > MYSTERY, INC. > MIKE: Coming up next: "Jabberjaw" and "Hong Kong Phooey"! >I thought our team-ups with Batman and Robin were strange. TOM: And they kind of puzzled the Dynamic Duo, too. >Our strangest case stated a Superman ask on air for us to >help a mysterious mysterious that even stumped. CROW: Then station management fired Superman for broadcasting while inebriated. > Scoody-Doo >and Shaggy jumped into the car. TOM: The *car*?!? What happened to the Mystery Machine? MIKE: They traded it in for an AMC Pacer. Much better gas mileage. > Fred and Daphe were shocked >as Scoody-Doo, TOM: Daphne was so shocked she dropped her "n". CROW: And when she bent over to pick it up, in that miniskirt... MIKE: Oh no - that's not Daphne - it's SHAGGY!!!! ALL: EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! > and told them it could be a monster that has >Kryptonite eye or a magic wizard's ghost. TOM: Or maybe even the magical ghostly eye of a monstrous Kryptonite wizard! CROW: Don't scoff. This is vintage 1960's Superman we're talking about here - it could be *any* of those! > Scoody-Doo laugh >and tell even those those creature could and might excusie, MIKE: Well, they might be hideous, terrifying monsters, but at least they're *polite* hideous, terrifying monsters. >Superman could kick then from the Earth to Pluto in lest >then 10 nano-second. CROW: Boy, how would *that* come out, I wonder - "Rurerman rould rick ren rom Rearth ro Ruto in rest ran ren raroreconds"? > I laughed. > MIKE: I cried. TOM: I fell in love all over again. >Later that day, they was a huge ray. TOM: But ya doesn't has ta call them Johnson! > It blasted right under >the bridge we were traveling on. We thought our lives we >been others, CROW: Ah, they've been pre-reincarnated. MIKE: The life of Alan from "Josie and the Pussycats" flashed before Fred's eyes. > but then we started to float. TOM: Hoist the mains'l! Cast off lines! Set sail for the new world! > We landed right >in a park lot of a Dinner in Metroplis, MIKE: Hi, will this be dine-in or float-out? > then a creature >paw come out. TOM: [Hillbilly] Whut is it, Paw? CROW: [Hillbilly] Fetch ma shotgun, Maw! Them durn kids'n their dog is back agin! > Scoody-Doo and Shaggy jump on Fred, MIKE: Then they pantsed him and snickersnagged on him. > but it's >turn out the paw was a white dog with a yellow collar and >red cape with a familar S sheild. CROW: [Velma] Okay, so we thought it was a really huge, swollen, misshapen paw. > Scoody-Doo chat-chat with >the dog. MIKE: Maybe the chat-chat will help solve the mysterious mysterious. TOM: Yeah, but only if you're from Walla-Walla or Pago Pago. CROW: In the meantime, enjoy these musical selections from Duran Duran, Mister Mister, Talk Talk and The The. > Scoody-Doo told us the dog is Superman's pet dog, >Krypto. TOM: Good thing he did, otherwise they might have mistaken him for one of the many *other* dogs flying around in Superman capes! > Scoody-Doo hand him a few Scoody-Snacks for a thank >you note, but Krypto didn't take it. > TOM: And it's today's Very Important Message! CROW: Remember, kids - if a strange dog offers you something called a "Scoody-Snack", just say no! >Just then Krypto was called by female voice in the air. MIKE: Okay, when your *dog* starts hearing voices, it's time to just sell the house and move! >It's turns out to Supergirl, TOM: Doesn't it always? > who tells us that she assuemes >that we got lucky on all of cases, and she even doubts that >we could save the caper that been puzzles Superman. > CROW: I knew there was a reason I liked Supergirl. MIKE: You mean besides the fact that she's a gorgeous blonde in a miniskirt who could crush you into a tiny little ball of molybdenum with one hand? CROW: Well, yeah. >Just as we about to start a arguement with a famous >superheroine, TOM: On the left, the Scooby Gang! On the right, Kara Zor-El! And you're in the CROSSFIRE! > two reporters from the "Daily Planet" >arrives. Jimmy Oslen and Lois Lane come in. MIKE: Hey, two accomplished, well known journalists are here! Oh, wait - never mind, it's just Superman's *pal* and his *girlfriend*! TOM & CROW: [Sounds of derision] > Superman is >waiting at the "Daily Planet" office. We run there at once. TOM:[Shaggy] Like, shouldn't we ride over in the van instead, fellas? MIKE: [Fred] No time for that, ya drugged-out freak! Now run! CROW: [Scoob] Rooby-Rooby-Rooooooo! >Superman was standing on the wall. TOM: [singing] All in all, he's just another stiff on the wall! > It's seems that it had a >few holes in. Scoody-Doo asked why the holes. MIKE: They make the wall lighter and fluffier. > Superman >remarked that Supergirl tried to lightly lean against the >wall last week, but the city builder are having a long talk >in Metroplis City Hall and new zoning and hieght relation. > MIKE: Hah! I was wondering when someone would mine the untapped comedy well of zoning regulations! CROW: Nice to know Supes goes around casually insulting his cousin like that. >Superman told that recently appears of a strange creature >that start a week ago. CROW: He tried to get in on the IPO, but Flash beat him to it. > It also had a Red Kryptonite vest >that she could control it. TOM: Not only that, it could also control the TV, DVD player and the Waring Blender, too. MIKE: The Universal Vest - the latest Tommy fashion line! > If Superman comes with 2 inches >of here, she will give a few months of Scoody-Dooites (Very >cowardfully). MIKE: Okay, time to dive into Thinker's Well of Context again. TOM: Maybe he means if Supes arrives and brings 2 inches of, um, of the place he's at now, Supergirl - or Lois - will join the Scooby Gang for a few months? MIKE: Or it may mean that if Superman gets within 2 inches of the wall, Daphne or Velma moves in with him for a while. Crow? CROW: Sorry, Nelson, I'm very cowardfully not touching this one. > Superman asked us to save the Mysterious >depistes opionision from Supergirl doesn't think us had the >abbilties to sovle the mysterious, including me. Supergirl >takes off. Superman > [All stand and applaud] TOM: Brilliant! Absolutely smashing! MIKE: Best use of dadaism I've seen all season! CROW: Evocative of "Finnegan's Wake" at its most confounding! >Just then Perry White enters. He's tells everyone, he found >the Beast. MIKE: Wisely, he had refused to take its mark on his hand or forehead. > It was wrecking the printing press. Scoody-Doo >did a hit and run on the best TOM: The part of Scoody-Doo will be played by Halle Berry. > and we follow. It's turns out >the beast know the "Daily Planet" almost as well as >Superman did, CROW: Except he can never seem to find the sports section. > and expect via a roof. CROW: Well, that's only fair, I think. MIKE: Yeah, you should expect a building the size of the "Daily Planet" to have a roof on it. TOM: Especially now that the city builder is having a long talk and new zoning and hieght relation. CROW: Good point. > I dscover a beats on >the helicopter planet by the lower. > TOM: [Velma] They were good beats, and I could dance to them. I gave it a 94 >I decide on swip. To I want with Lois and Daphe to check 1- >5. TOM: Sa-a-a-a-a-ay... *wockachickawockachickawockachicka* CROW: Oh, wow! Doc may have just written the BEST FANFIC EVER! MIKE: [chuckling] Don't get your hopes worked up, guys. > Scooby-Doo, TOM: Who? CROW: Yeah, what happened to Scoody-Doo? > Shaggy, and Jimmy want to check up on the 5- >9. MIKE: They must've taken the morning train. TOM: Or maybe they just tumbled out of bed and stumbled to the kitchen. > Fred and Superman check the last twice on clses. We >didn't find any more clues, until Superman heard a noise. CROW: But it was just a leaky faucet on American Samoa. MIKE: [Supes] Sorry 'bout that - I forget to turn the old super-hearing down sometimes. >It's turns out to be Jimmy's signal decive, CROW: Once again, Olsen deceives the Man of Steel. > and we found >Scooby-Doo, Shaggy, and Jimmy trying to get away from that >Beast. MIKE: They ran all the way to Yucca Flats. TOM: Scoob on the moon. How did he get there? > The last group since to familar to Superman, a >strange red rock. CROW: Kal-El and John Tesh, appearing live at Red Rock West, 7:00 PM Thursday Night! > "A freak version of Red Kryptonite. I >give me the power to dislike a group of people. MIKE: He's Super-Bigot! CROW: John Rocker *IS* Clark Kent *IN* "Superman V: The Quest for Whiteness"! TOM: He fights a never-ending battle for truth, apartheid, and the Confederate Way! > The people were >those at the 'Daily Planet'. I'm thought I tooked his to the Fortess." > MIKE: Krypto hocked it to get quick cash to feed his debilitating 6-bag-a-day "Beggin' Strip" habit. >I ask for Superman to hubble with us. TOM: So they built a faulty yet repairable space telescope. CROW: Which Mike promptly killed. MIKE: Oh, c'mon, I replaced it, didn't I? TOM: You attached a transistor radio to a pair of bifocals, Mike. MIKE: Well, I did the best I could with what I had, okay? > Scoody-Doo didn't >decide to join us until Krypto brought him Scooby Snacks. CROW: And that's the ultimate lesson of Scooby-Doo - nothing's worth doing unless someone bribes you to. TOM: Later, Scooby-Doo was elected to Congress. >All us hubbles up. MIKE: [Fred] Wow! I can look *all* the way down Daphne's dress now! CROW: [Shaggy] Like, I can see my favorite pizza place from here! TOM: [Superman] And I can see clear out to the edge of the galaxy! Oh wait, that's no big deal - I can do that anyway. > Of course, the pain was simple. TOM: Oh no, my friend - this pain is decidedly complex! > The bait >was Lois, Jimmy, Shaggy and Scoody-Doo. CROW: They'd been hung on hooks, and smeared with Purina Beast Chow. > Just as the beast >meet the bait, Superman used his super-breath to blow the >beast 5 rooms acroos, MIKE: And since Superman's lunch was sardine and limburger on a garlic Roll, the Beast really *is* down for the count! > where Fred, Daphe had set green >Kryptonite net. > TOM: GreenKryptonite.Net - 100 Megs of FREE webspace to qualified supervillains. CROW: E-mail webmasterlex@GreenKryptonite.Net and sign up now! >"LET ME OUT OF THESE NET FOOLS!" the beast growled at us. CROW: Net Fools?!? Oh no, They've trapped him in the "User Talkback" section of AICN! MIKE: What a horrible fate - even for a monster! >Fred replied "As soon as I'm removed your fake head. MIKE: Tragically, it turned out to be the monster's real head. TOM: Fred is now serving 5-20 in the state pen on a conviction of second degree beasticide. > It >turn out to be Supergirl, who was glowing a bit green. CROW: I know how she feels. > Fred >removed the Kryptonite net, and >Supergirl stand up. TOM: [Supergirl, a la Jerry Seinfeld] And I mean, what is the deal with this Kryptonian Spaceflight food? Is it food? Is it Kryptonite? I mean, *I* can't tell a difference! > "What happen? Last thing I remind was >beening explosed to Red Kryptonite." > CROW: Tragically, her speech centers had been severely damaged by Red K radiation. >Superman and Fred told Supergirl what happen TOM: And if we're lucky, maybe someday someone will do the same for us. > but why did >Supergirl pick us to dislike. MIKE: I think she was just tired of seeing you on the Cartoon Network 18 hours a day. > Supergirl told us she watch a >newscast that ended with a special reported on Mystery Inc. CROW: Cartoon Network foists lame Scooby Clones off as entertainment! Film at Eleven! >We jumped into the Mystery Machine and >roll off as the sun raises. > [All hum "Happy Trails"] > ##############################THE >END##################### > TOM: Whoops! Looks like Doc's put on a few pounds on the old backside there, heh heh! MIKE & CROW: D'oh! > Ok! I know his sounds silly, TOM: His *what* sounds silly? CROW: Superman's "Pee-Wee Herman" impression. It always breaks 'em up down in Kandor. > but hey, Scooby-Doo's >shows are not know for being very serious. MIKE: Except in France, where they're considered the epitome of high drama. > > Signed > Dr. Thinker > The Worst Writter On the Web. > MIKE: Oh, that's a bit harsh. CROW: Yeah, *John* Ritter's webpage is much worse than this. TOM: Let's roll off as the sun raises, guys. [All leave] O |2| <3> (4) {5} [6] [SOL - Bridge - Mike is again writing in his book] MIKE: [Speaking as he writes] "...ten different cheese types." Hmmm - I don't know, it just doesn't have the same ring to it. TOM: [OS] Rooby-rooby-ROOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! [Tom & Crow zip onstage. Tom is outfitted as a dog, much the same as he was for the "Dog & Bear" skit, except he looks vaguely Great Danish. Crow is wearing a Superman outfit.] TOM: Rello, rolks! CROW: Great Krypton! We've got to - got to - Mike! MIKE: What? TOM: Geez, Nelson, go get the vest on! MIKE: *sigh* I'm afraid to ask, but *now* what are you two on about? CROW: Look, the story is over, right? MIKE: Thankfully, yes. So? CROW: So it's time for the big post-story Production Number. TOM: Right. I'm Scooby Doo, Crow here is Superman, and you're the Beast in the Red Kryptonite Vest. CROW: And we all sing a song parody based on Disney's "Be Our Guest". [singing] Beast with vest, beast with vest, he never uses Crest... MIKE: First off, we've already parodied that song - *twice*, if I recall correctly. Secondly, if you guys wanted me to do a big production number, you could've at least asked first. Thirdly, your lyrics don't scan all that well to the tune. And lastly - no. Just no. CROW: C'mon, Mike, you gotta! MIKE: Actually - no, I don't. I don't even like vests. They make me look chunky. TOM: Look, how about if we let you be Superman? CROW: WHAAAAT?!? MIKE: Hmmmmmmmm... CROW: Hey, *I* called dibs on Superman! TOM: Crow! Ix-nay! CROW: B-b-but... MIKE: Naw. I appreciate it, but I'm really just interested in getting these corrections done here. TOM: Oh! Um, heh, okay, ho-o-o-ow about a quick game of chess? MIKE: No, I'm - CROW: Croquet? Monopoly? TOM: Risk? AD&D? CROW: Fizzbin? TOM: Calvinball? MIKE: Look, guys, I don't know what the deal is, but I really, really want to work on my Wisconsin haiku book, okay? TOM: (sigh) I guess we should tell him. MIKE: Tell me what? CROW: We checked the Best Seller's List at amazon.com a few minutes ago. Guess what the top best sellers are? MIKE: I dunno, "Harry Potter and the Beast in the Red Kryp-" TOM: Potter's old news, Mike. Take a look at this. MIKE: [pulls a printout from beneath the console] The number two best seller - wait, where's the number *one* best seller? [The bots just stare at Mike] Oh, yeah, the bug. Okay then, the number *one* best seller is - oh no! TOM: Oh yes. "The Trial of the Wisconsin Haiku Jamboree" by John Grisham. CROW: Followed by "The 5-7-5 Haunting of Eau Claire" by Stephen King, "Techno-Cheese Haikus" by Tom Clancy, "The Haikus of Milwaukee" by Robert James Waller, and "Leonard Maltin's Movie, Video and Wisconsin Haiku Guide". TOM: Looks like you missed the fad boat again, Nelson. CROW: Yeah, I hear King's already signed a movie deal for his book. MIKE: Great! The only time I'm ahead of the culture curve, and I get sabotaged by a kludgy computer. CROW: Not to mention being stuck in space. MIKE: [Groans and buries face in his book] CROW: Oh, buck up, Mike - it's not that bad. TOM: Yeah, snap out of it. Read 'em the thing, that'll cheer you up. MIKE: [Not even looking up] No. I don't feel like it. CROW: Aw, c'mon, ya big huge baby!! [British] It's your duty, man! MIKE: [With his head still buried ] *sigh* Fine. To join the MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send e-mail to "majordomo@pinky.wtower.com" with the message "subscribe dibslist" in the message body. Read the FAQ at "http://www.masemware.com/mst3k/faq.shtml", don't work blue, and don't even bother writing any haikus about Wisconsin. TOM: Wow. Kinda depressed, ain't he? CROW: Yeah, maybe we should try to - [stares off into the distance] Great Scott! Terra-Man's at it again! Looks like it's up to me! TOM: Oh, gimme a br- CROW: UP, UP AND AWAAAAAY!! [Crow lifts his arms and flies off] TOM: Hmph! Show-off! [Lights flash] Oh, um, hey Mike, Pearl's calling. [Without looking up, Mike lazily lifts an arm and hits the call button] Oooh. [CF - The moaning and floating and stuff is still going on. Pearl & Brain Guy have been joined by Patrick Brantseg (in a blonde toupee, blue polyester slacks and white shirt with a yellow Ascot), Paul Chaplin (in a green pullover shirt with a fake chin beard), Bridget Jones (in a purple minidress and a red wig), Beez McKeever (in a big orange sweater, knee socks, sensible shoes and thick glasses) and big giant stuffed toy dog vaguely resembling a Great Dane.] PEARL: Aw you wimp! Kwitcher whining, Nelsgor! You think *you* got problems?!? These four weirdos showed up an hour ago, claiming they were here to help "solve the mystery"! And now they *won't go away!* FRED: Well, gang, we've split up, gotten chased by a hologram, fed Scoob and Shaggy some Scooby-Snacks, broken and fixed Velma's glasses, and had a musical interlude... OBSERVER: You called *that* music?!? SHAGGY: Yeah! Like, it was really groovy, man! DAPHNE: Fred, can't we - you know, "split up" again, hmmm? FRED: Not yet, Daph. First we have to have to see who's *really* behind this haunting! Guys? [Shaggy and Velma go retrieve a frantically squirming giant burlap sack] PEARL: [irritated] Don't tell me you twits actually managed to find something! VELMA: Yes ma'am! Your moaning is coming from this! [Holds up a reel- to-reel tape player, which she turns off. The moans stop] DAPHNE: And here's the culprit now! [Fred pulls open the sack to reveal the head of...] ALL: PROFESSOR BOBO?!?!? SHAGGY: Like, zoinks! VELMA: He's just an impostor. We found the *real* Professor Bobo bound and gagged down in the basement. OBSERVER: Ah. But then - where is he now? VELMA: He's right h- uh, Shaggy? Didn't you untie him? SHAGGY: Like, I thought *Fred* was gonna untie him! FRED: No, I thought - PEARL: Never mind the chimp, you chumps! If this ain't Bobo, then who *is* it?!? FRED: Let's find out! [Fred pulls the "Professor Bobo" mask off the figure, to reveal...] ALL: KEVIN MURPHY?!?!?!? KEVIN: Yeah, and I woulda gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for you mangy kids and your meddling dog! SCOOBY: ROOBY-ROOBY-ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! KEVIN: Oh, shut up! OBSERVER: Very clever. But how did you get all this stuff to float? KEVIN: I - I didn't. I thought you were doing it to try and smoke me out. [Long pause] SHAGGY: [picking up the stuffed dog] Like, *ZOINKS!* FRED: Looks like we have *another* mystery to solve, gang! PEARL: The only mystery I want solved is how to get you bums out of - POKEMON BALL: PIKA PIKA PIKA!!! ALL: YAAAAHHHH!!! [The group gathers around Kevin's sacked-up form, clutching each other for support. As the scene fades out, we hear...] VELMA: Jinkies! KEVIN: Heyheyhey!!! No group hugs! ---------------------------------------------------------------- "THE CASE OF THE BEAST WITH THE RED KRYPONITE VEST" BY: Dr. Thinker MiSTING BY: Bill Livingston MiSTING DIBS LIST MAINTAINED BY: Michael Neylon SUPER FREAK OUT BY: Ohio Arts MULTIPLY BY: Line 12 to get the total number of deductions BAD ANDY: Good Pizza SPECIAL GUEST STARS: Patrick Brantseg as Fred, Paul Chaplin as Shaggy, Bridget Jones as Daphne, Beez McKeever as Velma and Kevin Murphy as Kevin Murphy. THANKS: to MiSTies, MuSTies, the teachers of America, Julius Schwartz, the cast of "Whose Line Is It Anyway" and the first ten people to send me $100,000 in small unmarked bills. Superman, Supergirl, Krypto and all associated characters and situations are trademark of and (c) DC Comics, Inc. All rights reserved. Kids - don't use your heat vision at home without parental supervision! Scooby-Doo and all associated characters and situations are trademark of and (c) Hanna-Barbera, Inc. All rights reserved. Bringing Lame Cartoons to Life since the 1960's. ` Oddly enough, DC Comics and Hanna-Barbera are both divisions of Warner Brothers, which is a division of Time-Warner, which is a division of Time-Warner-Turner, which also owns the Cartoon Network, which shows both "Scooby-Doo" and "Superfriends". This is known as "synergy". "Mystery Science Theater 3000" trademark of and (c) Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Home of the Icky Elf! Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by others is intended or should be inferred. No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or should be implied. All characters in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Check us out on the web at www.NoPersonalInsultsImplied.com! Diabolik! Keep circulating the posts. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > Of course, the pain was simple.