SVAM Productions Presents "A Little Earlier" a Ranma 1/2 tale The Online MSTing! Original work by Stephen Ratliff MSTing edited and compiled by Tim McLees Riffers (In no particular order): Glazius Falconar Seth Triggs Antaeus Feldspar Rotty Steven Savage Steve "EchoAlbarn" Sulzer RJak Maiku Amanda Van Rhyn Thanks to the other citizens of #C-Ko'sChatHall and #MSTing in particular! ******************************************************************** [The scene pans across a rather small and modest apartment. A messy but functional kitchenette is in one corner, a standing lamp is placed randomly along the wall, and several posters litter the basewood walls. Crow sits on the floor by the coffee table humming as a familiar jumpsuit-wearing man walks through the door.] MIKE: (looking up) Oh, hi Cambot! Great to see you've dropped by. I see Crow let you in. Just got back from my new job as Sanitation Engineer at Gypsyco! CROW: (looks over, speaking in a notably feminine tenor) Still say you're way to enthusasic about that, Mike. MIKE: (continuing, oblivious) At least I have a job, Crow. Anyway, we've been-- [Mike suddenly registers and bolts upright from the couch, gawking at the nonchalant gold robot.] MIKE: SWEET MONKEY JESUS! Crow, what happened to-- CROW: Oh, my voice? Well, it *is* time for my routine vocal system change, ya know? MIKE: That's not what I meant! CROW: Oh *that...* It's kinda funny, even though I've had a mostly male AI all these years, Joel never actually bothered to give me an actual gender setting. (shrugs) It was just bound to happen eventually I suppose. MIKE: Huh... CROW: (turns suspiciously to Mike) You *don't* have a problem with this, right? MIKE: Not really. CROW: Oh, *I* get it... you're threated with a female presense around aren't ya? MIKE: Crow, that's not it at all. CROW: --Don't deny it, I've seen you checking me out! You've wanted to run your hands along my golden carapace for years! MIKE: Now you're just being silly... [Suddenly, the door opens up to reveal Tom Servo, sporting a miniature collared shirt as he enters the room, unsuspecting of the strange conversation...] SERVO: Hey guys! Just got off my shift at Books-A-Plenty and... CROW: Dammit, admit it, Mike. You Know You Want Me, Baby! MIKE: Look, dude, you're just not sexy! [Mike and Crow abruptly pause, now noticing Servo...] SERVO: ...and if anybody wants me, I'll be hiding in my room, screaming. [There's a knock at the door, and Mike and the Bots turn to check it out.] MIKE: Huh... wonder who that could be. [Mike opens up the door to reveal a somewhat stocky black man with a familiar cap with a 'GD' insignia on it. He edges into the apartment carefully.] Hey! It's Antarctic Press' wise-cracking Fred Perry! BOTS: Who? FRED: No time for introductions, fellas, you've gotta help out my boss... [A pair of men can be overheard in the hallway...] MAN #1: I don't know Ben, renaming the Invisible Woman's name "Sioux"?... MAN #2: Look, Joe Q, if you want a fully authentic anime flavored alternate world, you need to tweak some minor conventions. Just take Squall Leonhart for example. MAN #1: True, true... CROW: (peeking out into the hall) Say... isn't that-- FRED: It sure is, Crow. Now, you all might be wondering what kind of weird tripped out scene Ben's into this time. Well, ever since he got this sweet deal with Marvel, he's fancied himself some Secret Master of Fandom or something... JOE Q: (Off Screen) I don't know... Iron Girl kinda looks like that B-Ko character I saw in one of your books a while back. BEN: (Also off screen) See this is what's called in anime circles as a 'homage'. JOE Q: Ahh... FRED: (whispers) Don't go in too deep, Joe! SERVO: Okay... that doesn't explain why you're here, or how you found us. FRED: Actually, I got this package that was accidentally delivered to us. (hefts up a small cardboard box) Any of you guys know a Stephen Ratliff? [Mike and his robotic roomies look to each other in awkward silence.] FRED: Well, whoever he is sent us this weird Ranma 1/2 thing and, frankly, Joe doesn't need anymore anime wisdom right now-- BEN: (OS) Hey Fred! Great news! Joe just approved the new character designs. Now I can draw Namorita the way I've always wanted to: without a stitch on! FRED: (turning slowly to Mike, whispering) HELP ME... MIKE: Right... (takes the package before Fred sneaks back out of view) Good luck! (closes the door) Well... that was weird. SERVO: And he gave us Ratliff... CROW: It's like he's haunting us or something. .. MIKE: It's not Marrissa at least, right guys? [Mike walks over to the VCR and pops the unmarked tape in, then drops down into the couch behind him, the Bots moving over to flank him as the screen comes to life.] > Title: A Little Earlier SERVO: Subtitle: Un Peu Hier MIKE: Is that the prequel to "Right Now"? > Part 1: An Earlier Meeting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .3 MIKE: (enthusiastic) Hey, it's in book format or something! > Part 2: Add Ryoga and a challenge. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .6 CROW: Add Ryoga and a challenge. Stir vigorously. Simmer for 30 minutes. > Part 3: Gymnastics. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .8 MIKE: Actually, these may be the pre-reader death tolls. SERVO: Boy, I know I overuse ellipses, but I'm not as bad as *this*. > Part 4: Nabiki. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11 CROW: Nabiki goes to *11*! > Part 5: An Ending and a New Page . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14 MIKE: Wait a minute, he waits to part 5 to start a new page? He must write *really small*... SERVO: Wow, Steve-O must've discovered the leader command in MS Word! > Part 6: Fathers and Mothers. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17 MIKE: Part 7: Illegitimate Cousins CROW: Joe Bob's doing the drive-in totals! > Part 7: Mother and her sword . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 CROW: Part 7: Phallic Symbolism plus > Part 8: Changes. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24 ALL: (singing) ~~Ch-ch-ch-ch-chaaaaanges.... > Part 9: First Day Living at the Tendos.. . . . . . . . . . . . 27 > Part 10: Sunday Morning. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30 SERVO: Part 11: Sunday Afternoon. Part 12: Sunday Evening. Part 13: End Of Time MIKE: Is there an actual story, or just a listing? > Part 11: Making Lemonade.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 > Part 12: Opening Moves . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36 CROW: Part 13: Queen's Gambit Declined. MIKE: Part 14: Black Castles. SERVO: Part 15: How many people are still paying attention to this . . . . . . . . 0 > Part 13: Marriage. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39 > Part 14: Departure . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 42 MIKE: Part 15: Miscellaneous.... CROW: Part 16: More chapter listings > Descriptions MIKE: Part 17: Index of Chapter Listings. SERVO: Part 18: Map of Middle Earth. > Part 1: Akane meets Ranma at age 12. They spar. Akane > walks in on Ranma MIKE: The hell?! He's started over! > Part 2: Ryoga first appears. Ranma shows off in Gym class. > Ranma is challenged to teach the class gymnastics. Ranma walks > in on Akane. > SERVO: Part 3: Spot walks in on Akane. Poor Spot! CROW: Part 4. Ranma meets a cop who doesn't play by the rules! > Part 3: Akane teaches the uneven bars. Sensei Ogawa has an > agenda. Nabiki takes a picture. Ranma walks in on Akane. MIKE: So he gives us a bungload of spoilers right at the beginning. Thanks Stephen! SERVO: ...If this is the fic, I'm killing something > Part 4: Akane finds the picture. Akane and Ranma eat away > from Nabiki Ranma and Akane pull a joke on Nabiki that gets > Akane a kiss. Ranma and Akane talk in the bath. > CROW: Ranma and Akane get Zestfully clean. SERVO: Maybe it's a Canterbury Tales fusion and they talk _in_ Bath. MIKE: The Uncutte Tomboye's Tale... CROW: No, Ranma gets really baked and talks TO the bath. > Part 5: Ranma and Akane finish teaching gymnastics. The > betrothal document is found. Kasumi walks in on Ranma and Akane. > Kasumi talks to Akane. CROW: Part 6: Make incredible profits from Dick and Jane books. SERVO: THRILL at the synopsis of chapters gone by! > Part 6: Genma learns of Akane. Soun cries. Akane and Ranma > walk on fences. Nodoka appears. > MIKE: It's the Amazing Short Attention Span Fanfic! SERVO: Part 7: The Meaning of Life Explained. Really Not All That Important, But Frogs Figure Prominently. CROW: Every chapter includes "X walks in on Y". > Part 7: Nodoka plays sword master. Nabiki finds out what is > planned for her. Nabiki and Akane spar. Nodoka waits for Genma. > Part 8: Ranma has breakfast with his mother. Akane and > Ranma talk about his parents. Nabiki is teased during a lunch > interrupted by Ryoga. Ranma's move to the Tendos announced. > Ranma finds out that Akane is ticklish. > MIKE: Part 9: Ranma makes full recovery in OR. SERVO: Part 9: Ranma and Akane do some more stuff. Ratliff gets more anal about it. We make fun of it. CROW: Man, just imagine if he started the Marrissa stories this way. > Part 9: Ranma moves in. Kasumi talks with Nodoka. Soun > evaluates Ranma. Akane and Ranma fall asleep watching TV. SERVO: For the love of God, tell me this is not the fic! MIKE: These are just the Cliff notes. SERVO: Cliff needs to get to the story... > Part 10: Soun stops Genma from waking Ranma and Akane up. > Ranma and Akane engage in pillow fight. Ranma and Genma spar > over pond. Soun decides to reopen the Dojo. Nodoka talks Akane > about sex. > MIKE: Part 11: Author realizes articles are part of English language too. CROW: This was transliterated from Latin. SERVO: Maybe Stephen convinced the Pope to write the synopsis. > Part 11: Akane and Ranma are interrupted by Kasumi. Kasumi > chastises Akane. Ranma asks Nodoka if she'll help him buy a ring > for Akane. SERVO: Ranma and Akane buy a ring? Doesn't that spoil the proposal scene? > Ranma and Akane do it. MIKE: "Ranma and Akane do it." Well, do we really need to read the fic now? CROW: ...Wait, a Ratliff Lemon...I'm really frightened now... > Nabiki talks to Akane about > what she just did. CROW: Look, if you're going to be all vague like that it'll never sell. > Part 12: Ranma and Akane wake up together. Ranma proposes. > Soun starts to teach again. Akane informs her father, and a good > look at the family photo album is given. > SERVO: Part 13: In Which Lemuel Gulliver Enters The Story For No Adequately Explored Reason, And Leaves Just As Quickly. > Part 13: Akane learns about the cat fist training. Akane > prepares for the wedding. Ranma and Akane get married. Genma > tries to depart with Ranma right after the ceremony. > Part 14: Ranma departs for training trip. MIKE: Part 14B: Ranma Comes Back, Picks Up His Wallet, Laughs Nervously, And Departs For Training Trip Again. SERVO: Part 15: There is no way out of here. It will be dark soon. There is no way out of here. CROW: Part 16: You are in a maze of twisty little author's notes, all alike. > Part 1: An Earlier Meeting ALL: AHHHHHHHHHHH! SERVO: It's a Mobius Strip! > Today was Akane Tendo's first day of seventh grade, and > first day at MacArthur. MIKE: And we have PROSE!!! BOTS: YAAAAY! > MacArthur Junior High was a remodeled > former high school, which was just reopening to solve an > overcrowding problem at the school Nabiki and Kasumi had gone to > the previous year. SERVO: o/~ MacArthur Junior High is melting in the dark... o/~ CROW: MacArthur. And of course, who can forget Hirohito Academy in New York . . . MIKE: Well, I did attend King George the Third Junior College... ten of the best years of my life. > It was an unsettling day. Before when she > went to a new school Nabiki and Kasumi had been there before her. SERVO: Now without the presence of a profit-driven bitch and an airhead, she felt alone! CROW: Here, there would be no pre-existing betting pools, and the halls might be slightly dusty! The horror! MIKE: Poor Akane; she gets hand-me-down *schools*. > They would be able to put her fears at ease. This was also the > first year she had started without her mother's special lunch and > trip to the store for new clothes. SERVO: But... but... how will I face the world without my Thermos of anchovy soup and peanutbutter/liverwurst sandwich? > A tear rolled down Akane's cheek > as she looked down at her red and blue school uniform. > MIKE: People are gonna try and bounce bullets off my chest but they won't bounce because I don't really have super powers! CROW: And worst, I don't have on my Lucky Kitty gym shorts! > "Something wrong?" a boy Akane's age asked. > "Just thinking about my mother," Akane said. "And I can't > find room 204." > "That's because you're on the third floor," the boy said. CROW: ...that would explain all the 300's on this floor. MIKE: Oh, she's at Kotter's school? Zepp was wrong, there's no stairway to the second floor! > "Come with me, that's where I'm headed. I'm Ranma Saotome." > "Akane Tendo. You're in seventh grade too?" SERVO: Should I point out Japanese schools don't number like that, or would it be a waste of breath? > "Yeah, and I'm really going to have to do lots of catch up > work," Ranma said. "My dad and I just got back from a two year > long martial arts training trip." > MIKE: Wow, two years. He shouldn't even be in the same grade. CROW: Oh, and please say you don't have any Hello Kitty stuff where I can't see it... > "That must have been fun. I'm a martial artist too, but my > Father would never do that," Akane said as they entered the > stairway. > "Not all of it's fun. Dad has some strange ideas about > training. What style do you do?" > CROW: Yell Really Loud And Smash Perverts Fu. I made it up myself! MIKE: This is kinda stupid. Ratliff expects to go from when they "first meet" all the way through to marriage IN ONE FIC? SERVO: Maybe this is the second level of outline. MIKE: ... SERVO: The third go will be more detailed. [Mike whimpers] > A small school of Unrestricted Martial Arts. Dad says that > we are one of two families that practice it." > "I guess I must be from the other," Ranma said. > MIKE: ...OK, this is stretching coincidence a *little* far. CROW: We have something in common! Let's score! > "Can we spar sometime?" Akane asked, as they reached the > second floor. She really needed someone to practice against. > Nabiki was beginning to complain that Akane was taking out too > many practice dummies and venting her anger out on too many > bricks. Plus, a real partner was always better. SERVO: Yeah. Straw dummies just break when you hit 'em, but with real people you get *blood splatters*, which is wicked kewl. > "Dad hasn't been > up to much practice lately." That had been an understatement. > If Dad spent an hour not crying, it would be a miracle. > "Sure, if you'll help me with my homework sometime," Ranma > said. > "We can work on it together," Akane smiled. MIKE: ~o We can work it out! We can work it out! o~ SERVO: Wow, the gripping slice-of-life drama... > Akane was seated by her sister Nabiki in the cafeteria. > Today's lunch didn't look very appetizing. CROW: It's DAKAbeast... MIKE: It looked worse than *her* cooking, which is saying something. > Apparently Kasumi > needed a little more help in the kitchen. Not that she'd tell > Kasumi that. Kasumi didn't get much time with her friends, and > Akane wouldn't interrupt one of those times. SERVO: Ah, Generic Nice People. > At least she had > friends. Akane had the misfortune to be the lone student from > her class to be sent to MacArthur. CROW: So the Japanese name schools after people who kicked their asses? > What in the world did Kasumi > put on this sandwich? MIKE: Mmmm... peanut butter and arsenic! > A look over at Nabiki's revealed that > Nabiki hadn't noticed, but then she was too busy trying to get in > on the new school's rumor market. SERVO: Meanwhile, a young Tatewaki Kuno is looking over a map of the Nerima school districts and laughing evilly. > Sometimes Akane wished she > could do something for the family. CROW: So she started doing mutual funds. > Kasumi cooked, Nabiki handled > the money. That just left Akane to carry on the family's martial > arts tradition, and that didn't seem like much. > MIKE: Without tradition we are . . . sorry, Fiddler on the Roof flashback SERVO: Yes, it's only a true symbolic representation of the family's progress through time. That means *nothing*! > "Is this seat taken?" Akane looked up. It was Ranma. > "Go ahead, Ranma," Akane said, as she tore off the burnt > edge of her bread. > MIKE: This is just brimming with sexual tension... well, actually, it isn't... > "Is there a problem with your lunch?" Ranma asked. CROW: Rice balls and vegetables are easier than a sandwich, y'know... > "My oldest sister made it. I think she needs some help," > Akane said, before taking a tiny bite. "It doesn't taste bad, > but its looks leave something to be desired." > SERVO: It doesn't taste bad so much as horrible. MIKE: It's *looks*. What the hell is this, Yan Can Cook? > "At least you have someone to make your lunch," Ranma said. > "I had to make my own this morning." > "I rather if my mom could make it again," Akane said sadly. CROW: Wow... making lunch seems like it's so difficult. Maybe they need Sushi Lunchables > She missed the special touches that her mother had always put > into her lunch. The letter A carefully cut into the sandwich, > letting Akane know her mom had made it just for her. MIKE: I'm not getting preferential treatment anymore! My lunchtime is RUINED! > The special > desert made just for her, always different from what her sisters > got. Akane felt a tear begin its journey down her cheek. > SERVO: And a drop of fluid begins the Hero's Journey. CROW: Then it had to detour down the nasal-labial trough due to construction. > "Don't cry Akane," Ranma said. "I hate it when a girl > cries." MIKE: "So... can I have your Jell-O?" > "I'm sorry. Things just keep reminding me of my mom. It's > been almost a year since she died. You would think I'd be over > it by now." SERVO: ...so her mother made a year's worth of lunches ahead of time? Wow, that's pretty impressive planning. MIKE: Now thats a woman who cares > "I didn't know." They ate in silence for a while. > CROW: So...you wanna hear how my mom died then? > "Yuk, cherry pie," Akane said, opening her dessert > container. MIKE: I'm just going to accept this as a freaky Japanese-American hybrid culture and move on. My brain's starting to hurt. CROW: This is a universe where we REALLY imposed ourselves on Japan after WWII. > "What's wrong with cherry pie?" Ranma asked. > "Nothing, but Kasumi keeps making it," Akane said. "I think > it's the only dessert she knows. After a year, I'm tired of it." > SERVO: Cherry pie. Lemon-fresh foreshadowing? YOU make the call! CROW: They're discussing desert. "BA-DA- BA DAAAAAAHHH!" > "Trade you for this packaged chocolate pudding?" Ranma said. MIKE: How many kids say "packaged chocolate pudding?" CROW: Without laughing? SERVO: "Hi, I'll trade you my reconstituted mustard and animal by-product pattie between bread for your cultured milkfat! > "Homemade cherry pie has to be better than the packaged stuff Dad > buys." > "Okay," Akane said as the exchange was made. "Mmmmm > chocolate." > MIKE: ...no, that's the plastic cup. But whatever works for you, I guess... > "Chocolate, where did you get chocolate?" Nabiki said, > suddenly turning toward her sister. "I didn't get chocolate > pudding?" CROW: No one will be seated during the gripping PUDDING SCENE! > "I traded for it, Nabiki-chan," Akane said. "Surely a deal- > maker like yourself find a similar deal." > SERVO: Akane Tendo's Deal-a-Meal. MIKE: Yes, but several million yen doesn't taste as good going down, you know? > "Who is your friend?" Nabiki said. > "This is Ranma Saotome, Ranma, my sister Nabiki, the ice > queen," Akane said. She couldn't resist adding the last comment. > After all, as a little sister she was suppose to tease her older > sisters. > CROW: Shion Nys? MIKE: Only in this case, it was the terrible TRUTH! as a young Soun Tendo, lost in a winter storm, found himself awake and unharmed in a crude hut and a baby showed up on his doorstep nine months later. > "Akane, I thought I told you to never call me that," Nabiki > said. "A pleasure to met you, Saotome. Do you have another one > of those puddings?" SERVO: "A pleasure to have met you in the past tense!" > "I gave my only one to Akane," Ranma said. "Maybe > tomorrow." > MIKE: Wow... he's a pudding hoarder! SERVO: I've got some black pudding from Asia, but it's kinda corrosive to unprotected skin. Pop used it for agility training. CROW: When's Ratliff going to start describing their hair? > "Darn," Nabiki said. "I guess I'll have to get to you > earlier tomorrow." > "Not likely," Akane said. "He's in my class." SERVO: Look people, just BUY some damned pudding! Does Genma have exclusive access to the grocery store? CROW: There's a pudding cartel in Nerima > Akane looked up at Ranma. He was following her on the > fence. MIKE: Ranma, please stop stalking me. They had agreed to spar after school. He had really > challenged their teachers. SERVO: Action so EXCITING! it would scar you forever to actually show it. MIKE: See Akane look. Look, Akane look. Akane is a boring girl. > She especially liked his challenge of > "what goes up must come down" in science. CROW: Universal constants? Look, mister, I walked into a temple and came out two weeks sideways. MIKE: What about BALLOONS, teacher man?!? HUH? YOU CAN'T FOOL ME! > She suspected that the > Sensei was beginning to regret his first lecture on the > importance of asking questions. > SERVO: Wait.. if *they* agreed, why is he challenging the teachers? MIKE: She was pissed because he doesn't believe in gravity, then. > "Ranma, why are you walking on the fence?" Akane finally > asked. CROW: He has to walk on the fence in order to get the support of both Houses. > "Dad's training, it teaches balance," Ranma said. "One of > Dad's saner ideas. You should try it sometime. It works." MIKE: Certainly not to avoid panty shots! > "I'm not trying it in this skirt," Akane said. "Does your > Dad train you a lot?" > SERVO: Nah. He gives me hour breaks every week. > "I think Dad believes that his life's work is training me," > Ranma said. CROW: It certainly doesn't explain why my dad hits me with sticks all the time. > "He makes everything training. Fortunately he's got > to work two jobs right now so he can get enough money to go on > the next training trip, so I get to spend a year actually going > to school and learning something else other than martial arts." MIKE: Just one year, then back on the road so I can lose more education! Yay! SERVO: Then again, there's this little man who teaches Martial Arts Penmanship, so maybe I *won't*. > "I thought you liked studying martial arts," Akane said. > "Yeah, I want to be the greatest martial artist of my > generation," Ranma said. "But it's like you and cherry pie. CROW: Why's he comparing her to cherry pie? Is that foreshadowing? MIKE: Oh, wait, ego, right. I AM the greatest martial artist of my generation, and I want to expand my almighty horizons elsewhere. > After a while you want something else for dessert. I want to > learn about more than just martial arts, at least for a while." SERVO: I want to learn... the LAMBADA! > Akane and Ranma entered the Tendo home. "I'm home!" Akane > shouted. As she did, she silently prayed that her dad wouldn't > break down crying and embarrass her in front of her new friend. CROW: Hi, I'm Ranma Saotome, and I'll become the focus of your life for the next skrillion years for no good reason. I get random marriage proposals from cute girls on a monthly basis, and I have an ego the size of Poughkeepsie, Maine. MIKE: ...oh, good, she's brought home a *normal* friend. > Soun Tendo entered from the garden. "Welcome home Akane," > he said. "Who is your friend?" > SERVO: It's a boy. WAAAAHHHHH!!!! ALL: [Sitcom-style applause] > "This is Ranma Saotome," Akane said. So far so good. "I > asked him if he would come home and spar with me. Excuse me for > a moment, Ranma, I've got to change into my gi." > "So your name is Ranma Saotome," Soun began. "Any relation > to Genma Saotome?" > CROW: Does he owe you money? MIKE: ...no. CROW: Why, yes I am! > Ranma gulped. In his experience, this was not a good > question. Still, he wasn't going to lie. "He's my father." > "Your father and I studied under the same teacher," Soun > said. "It's been so long since I saw him last. It must have been > shortly before my wife had Akane . . . Oh why did she have to > leave me . . . " Soun broke out in sobs. It took five minutes > for Akane to change. Ranma suffered though Soun's sobbing the > whole time. > CROW: Geez, you know how hard it is to get saltwater out of these things? MIKE: And then our mentor told us to steal panties... SERVO: I'm gonna take a vote. Anyone think anything interesting will happen? Raise your hand. > "Not again," Akane said, coming down the stairs in her gi. > She had had so high hopes. > "I'll take care of Father," Nabiki said, as she entered the > house. "Kasumi should be home in a half-hour. You can go spar > with your friend. Try not to go too hard on the Dojo." MIKE: And Ranma, don't you get hard AT ALL on ANYTHING. > Ranma relaxed in the furo. SERVO: the Furo? CROW: Man, this thing would *own* if there was actually water in it. > Akane had been a good sparring > partner. She was a little rusty, but she acknowledged that. > Akane also didn't like to lose. That was a problem, but with a > little work, he could see Akane making the matches truly even. SERVO: With someone else, of course. Nobody comes even with the great Ranma Saotome! > She had thrown him, and only his father had managed to do that > recently. Of course Pops was too tired to spar after work > lately, which was why Ranma was glad he'd found Akane. It was > time to get up though. Ranma stood and reached for his towel. CROW: Ah, he's been naked the whole time! MIKE: Ewwwww... > It was then that Akane opened the door. She was also in a > state of undress. She noticed Ranma, and blushed. "Excuse me," > she said, backing away. SERVO: Ah, time for shameless parody scene... eh?...well, nuts. CROW: Literally MIKE: Geez, a little cold and they DO shrink right up. > Ranma covered himself and moved to the door. Trying to > sound indifferent, he said, "The bath is yours, Akane." > Akane retreated into the bathroom, as Ranma entered the > changing room. > As he put his clothes on, he murmured, "she's cute." MIKE: Even though I'm too young to know what that means and haven't seen any other girls for two years now! Cuteness is an inherent survival trait of the human species! > ---------Next Part---------- > Part 2: Add Ryoga and a challenge SERVO: Then simmer for 5 minutes CROW: Stir, add gin, serve MIKE: Serves a room of riffers. > The next morning, Akane lingered in the school yard, waiting > for Ranma to arrive. Just a couple minutes before the bell, > Ranma appeared at the gate, dragging another guy along. MIKE: This is Bryce, I'm going to marry him instead! > The > newcomer appeared to be in the same grade as Akane and Ranma. > He was rather stocky, and wore a rather big backpack. > SERVO: In fact, the only thing he wore was a backpack. CROW: Oooh, I go for a guy with a big... backpack. > "Hurry up, Ryoga, I don't want to be late," Ranma said. > "And pay attention, you don't want to be lost again." MIKE: Yeah, I may drift into a good fanfic > "Good morning, Ranma," Akane said, coming up beside him. > "Who is your friend?" CROW: He says he's a 4th-level dwarven warrior. You two'll get along *great.* > "Hi ya, Akane," Ranma said. "This is my friend Ryoga > Hibiki. He lives next door to me and has a real problem with > finding places." SERVO: Well, that's one solution to Ryoga's directional problems... take the humor out of them entirely. MIKE: I have trouble finding myself! CROW: Stilted Dialogue and Characterization, Go! > "I do not!" Ryoga said. > SERVO: Uh, London is only a couple kilometers from here, right? > "Then explain why you ended up in the closet when you were > trying to leave your house by the front door," Ranma said. SERVO: ... If you must know, I was trying to get to Narnia. CROW: I think we BOTH know why I was in the closet, Ranma-chan. > "The doors were too similar," Ryoga replied. > (SERVO *rimshots*) MIKE: ...It's in character. I'll give it that. > "A pine plywood sliding door verses a solid oak swinging one > . . . really similar, Ryoga," Ranma said. CROW: Nice, traditional Japanese house he lives in. > Ryoga slumped. "We > better get to class." > CROW: So . . . Ryoga is now blind, stupid, and boring. MIKE: Except that Ryoga never even figures out how he got lost, and he would have taken out his anger at the closet by smashing through its back wall. > "Right," Akane said. "Say, Ranma, do you have chocolate > pudding again today?" > "If you've got cherry pie, it's a trade," Ranma said. CROW: Insert absurdly tasteless joke about Akane's cherry. SERVO: She can bake a cherry pie, fast as a cat can blink her eye, charming Billy... MIKE: ...Before making him keel over from the awful taste. > Akane watched in awe as Ranma did a set of maneuvers on the > parallel bars. CROW: I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! MIKE: He's *so* femmy! How does he manage it? SERVO: ...And he landed on the ground, facefirst. > Sure she'd fought Ranma in the Dojo, but the > grace and difficulty he accomplished in Gym were amazing. MIKE: I perform with grace and difficulty! CROW: Though I wonder if he realizes those short gym shorts are only for girls... > She > hadn't been impressed with the balance beam, his walking on the > fences had shown that would be a breeze for him. SERVO: Behold, I am a master of Anything-Goes Rhythmic Gymnastics! > The rings were > expected. They were an air-born kata. But something about the > splits turns and twists captivated Akane. CROW: She felt a burning in her loins she had never felt before! MIKE: He's Gymkataing his way into my heart! > Her attention was > centered on Ranma to the exclusion of all else as Ranma made his > finish, a double flip with a quarter twist, so he ended up facing > the teacher. > SERVO: And then after school, she tagged along to his job and was impressed by his double flip with a Quarter Pounder. MIKE: ...This plot is as gripping as a pair of JNCO pants > "Was that the demonstration you wanted, Sensei?" Ranma asked > with a smirk. CROW: Ranma *Is* ArrogantMan! MIKE: And now watch as I synchronized-swim with myself! > The teacher had caught him talking to Ryoga and > suggested that if he believed he had no need to learn how to use > the equipment, perhaps he would demonstrate. So he had done > three excellent routines, to which his class had given him > spontaneous tens. SERVO: Except for the Romanian judge, but Ranma was learning to ignore him. > This time was no different. CROW: Actually, it WAS different, but for plot purposes we shall embellish the truth. > "I believe that will be enough for now, Saotome," the > teacher said. "You may return to your place. Mr. Hibiki, perhaps > you would like . . . " SERVO: ... Gee, dealing with authority figures by demonstrating that you are already superior to them... Who else employs that style? > The bell rung for class change, cutting off whatever the > teacher was going to say. MIKE: And all the students left, since we know that students must always leave exactly at the bell, regardless of whether the teacher's speaking. > There would not be much time for the > class to change and get to their next class, but they spent > almost all of it gathered around Ranma asking questions. CROW: "You do know that 'gymnos' is Greek for naked, don't you?" SERVO: "Are you gay?" MIKE: "What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?" > As > Akane waited for him, making both late for lunch. SERVO: As Akane's thoughts formed incomplete sentences. > Akane was enjoying her chocolate pudding, but she really was > enjoying Nabiki's expression of desire. MIKE: Uhhh... CROW: ...Um. SERVO: I wish I had *pudding*. CROW: Hey! It's the subtext in Cardcaptor Sakura! MIKE: ... Nabiki's into keepin' it in the family? > Akane had finally found > Nabiki's weakness, and it was chocolate. MIKE: So Ratliff just inserted Troi's personality into Nabiki? CROW: There was room. SERVO: Well, it's not like Troi's personality takes up that much space. And thanks to Ranma, > she had a big bowl of chocolate pudding in front of her. > CROW: Sadly, she then discovered It Wasn't Pudding MIKE: ...Dammit, Crow. SERVO: ... this is TOO easy. > "Ranma, are you sure you don't have any more pudding?" > Nabiki asked for the fourth time. > "No, I gave Akane the last pudding," Ranma said, as he ate > Akane's cherry pie. CROW: ... giving her pudding and eating her cherry... SERVO: . . .Stephen, you're handing these to us MIKE:: Many stories attempt to hint at a budding sexual dynamic. This is the equivalent of a *large* neon billboard. On the front dash of EVERY CAR IN AMERICA! > "There won't be any more until Dad buys food > at the end of the week." > CROW: What? Soun can't buy food... he's too busy bursting into fits of weeping tears... MIKE: Dad, there's nothing to fix for dinner! SERVO: Damnit, you know I only go to the market on Saturdays! > "Darn, can't I have even a taste, Akane?" Nabiki asked. > "Okay, you can have a taste, Nabiki, but I get to choose > what to watch on television tonight," Akane replied. > CROW: Someone left the pudding out in the rain, and we'll never have that recipe again. Appropriate for McArthur Jr. High... SERVO: . . . I sense a Ratliffian repeat of the boring Ten Forward profit scene > "It's a deal," Nabiki said. "So, Ranma I heard about Gym > today. How long have you been into gymnastics?" > "I just remembered what I saw on television once and > modified some of Dad's training methods," Ranma said, as he > finished the pie. > MIKE: Training? Who needs it? CROW: I scoff at you puny athletes! SERVO: Ranma can do anything he's seen on television. What would William Bennet say? > "You never have done the balance beam, rings or parallel > bars before today?" Nabiki said. "Pardon me, if I find that > unlikely. The descriptions I've been hearing have been most > impressive." > MIKE: "Like that trick you do with your thumb." SERVO: ... Nabiki's turned into an Informed Attribute Dispenser. She's going to spend the entire story talking about how beautiful, smart, and talented people are... CROW: She's Ranma's PR Agent. > "Well, it's the truth," Ranma said. "The balance beam is > just like fighting on the fences or on logs. The rings . . . > well I've never fought in that type, but holding your body in set > positions is a foundation for several styles . . . CROW: (coughs) Holding your body in set positions... I don't want to *think* about what that's foreshadowing. > not that I'd > get stuck in any one style. As for the parallel bars, I had to > fight in a tree once. The bars are a lot easier." > MIKE: "Those squirrels are ferocious!" CROW: And the parallel bars don't try to cop a feel. Damn that ent... > "I still think you shouldn't have shown up the Sensei," > Akane said. SERVO: Respect my teachers? Why should I do that? > "Hey, she was asking for it," Ranma said. "With at least > three martial artists, and that champion gymnast, Kuno what's her > name . . . " > "Kodachi," Nabiki supplied. > SERVO: DUM DUM DAAAAAH!!!! MIKE: Why, could this possibly be a Plot Point[tm]? CROW: Well there hasn't been any plot YET > "... In the class, she should know better than to say that > none of us would be considered good gymnasts at the end of the > month," Ranma said. "Give me that month, and I'd have most of > the class up to Kodachi's level, at least." > MIKE: Level as in, equally psychotic CROW: ... It's official. Ranma's Marrissa. My God, even *canon* Ranma isn't this much of a braggart... > "And you'll get that chance, Mr. Saotome," the gym teacher > said, as she poked her head between Ranma and Akane. "We'll see > if you end up eating your words." SERVO: Yes! Month paid vacation! MIKE: Hey, guys? Has anything actually happened? CROW: I'm waiting for Ranma to dump pudding on someone now. > Akane relaxed in the furo. ALL: Jumpcut! SERVO: Fur-O the newest Thundercat. CROW: Maybe a furo's a dojo for furries? > The sparring today had been on > balance. Akane had little trouble with matching Ranma on the > rings, in their after school practice session. MIKE: Now watch, the gym teacher is going to end up with the words "I was out-performed as a teacher by a kid" burned into her butt. SERVO: Wow, I really have a shot at the big time! Now I've just got to develop an eating disorder... > The uneven bars > hadn't been that hard either . . . but for some reason, she > couldn't stay on that beam. So, Ranma had set up a two by six > over the pond in the garden, after the school closed. CROW: Set it up... with his mind! SERVO: Is there anything Ranma *can't* do? MIKE: Be likeable? > Akane had > spent the next half an hour falling into the shallow pond, until > finally she had sent Ranma into the pond. MIKE: ...why, precisely, did Ranma set up this over a water trap? Was he *trying* for wacky slapstick hijinx? > She really didn't > understand why her sisters looked so horrified every time she > fell into the pond. > CROW: Two words, Akane; panty shots. MIKE:: And wet T-shirts... SERVO: Wow, teaching you is tougher than when I brought peace to the Balkans... all I had to do then was just lock all the diplomats up in a small room... > Akane looked forward to gym the next three weeks. The > Sensei was giving Ranma nearly free reign in teaching the class, > and Ranma had said she would help with the girls. MIKE: Oh, yes. This is Bizarro Japan, where insubordination to teachers is *rewarded* by them letting you take over... SERVO: I think it's safe to say that Ratliff has never left the US. CROW: . . . > She was going to have so much fun! CROW: ...Guys, I think my Double-Entendremeter just melted. SERVO: ... this is like shooting a mutated frog in a barrel with an AK-47. > Akane noticed that her fingers were beginning to get a > little wrinkled, so she rose to exit the furo. Just as she > picked up her towel, the door opened to reveal Ranma, also naked. > ALL ...KOMEDY! MIKE: Ah, so *that's* what Ranma can't do! He can't remember to *knock*! > "Sorry, Akane, Nabiki said you were done," Ranma said, as he > blushed and began to retreat. SERVO: . . . so that's why they call you 'acorn' CROW: Hey, want to do a broadway adaption of a Robert Heinlein story? > "I am now," Akane said, blushing as she took in the view > Ranma was offering. MIKE: Enjoy the majestic view of my package, wench! SERVO: . . .Votes, who finds this wrong somehow? CROW: I vote twice. MIKE: Not me. "Somehow" implies that there's some way it *isn't* wrong. > "It's all yours." Ranma entered the bath, and > Akane exited, neither remembering to cover themselves. SERVO: Roman Polanski is in the corner grinning. CROW: You know, this could be construed to be a marvelous example of how one event - to wit, Kuno's challenge - can drastically change one person's views on sex. ...or just bad characterization, whichever. > As Akane > dressed, she thought, "I've got stop Nabiki from doing this... > still, it does have it's advantages." MIKE: Uhh... Ewwwwwww SERVO: AAAAARRRRGHHHH! CROW: ...she set it up!? MIKE: ... so confused. > Then blushing at the last > unbidden thought, she exited the changing room to find Nabiki. MIKE: ... and her vibrator SERVO: I wish I was Catholic, so I could go confess! [COMMERCIAL BREAK, After the Selective Apocalypse that killed all of humanity over puberty, only Luke Perry and Malcom Jamal- Warner can save society from itself! Tonight on JEREMIAH!] > ---------Next Part---------- > Part 3: Gymnastics. CROW: Ifya.... nah... too easy MIKE: If there's even the *slightest* mention of 'one-on-one tutoring'... > Akane stood bellow the uneven bars, spotting for her friend > Yuki. Today's task on the uneven bar, was to switch between the > bars. SERVO: Beneath the spreading Uneven Bars, the village bitch-queen stands . . Nothing fancy, just switch back in forth between the bars. > Well, Akane had thought it was simple. Yuki missed again, and > Akane caught her, breaking her fall. > CROW: ..And her back! > "You can do better, Yuki," Akane said, as Yuki climbed out > of her arms. > "Sorry, Akane," Yuki replied, returning to the side, so the > next girl could try. > SERVO: You miserable little normal person! You *could* be a super-martial artist if you just cared... MIKE: We leave you with girls jumping on the parallel bars! > "Problem, Akane?" Ranma said, coming over from his station > by the rings. > "Yuki can't seem to ever make the switch," Akane said. > "Yuki, try again," Ranma asked, motioning his classmate to > the bar. Once again, Yuki missed the bar. CROW: ...And got kicked out of Law school. MIKE: And in a nearby school, Sakura caught a baton with her face SERVO: Yes, the only way to teach gymnastics is to repeat your mistakes until you cause yourself great injury... > "I see what's wrong. MIKE: Girls, you're really getting weighed down by those unitards... > Yuki, you need to grab the moment you feel that bar. If you > wait, you'll just keep falling. Try again." This time Yuki was > successful. > "Good job, Yuki!" Akane said, as Yuki finished. Ranma had > already moved to the next problem. SERVO: Suspense, suspense... hmm. Nope, no ideas how to make it, sorry. CROW: Let's see... if only I had an engineer with an imaginary friend... > Sensei Ogawa relaxed in her office. MIKE: She was on her fifth bottle of sake, with no signs of stopping any time soon. > Every once in a while > she'd look out at her fourth period class. In the past week > Ogawa had gradually retreated as Ranma showed his talent at > teaching. SERVO: What kind of loser needs a degree and certification, anyway? MIKE: ...THIS IS FRIGGING MARISSA! CROW: Hurts, don't it? MIKE: Sorry, I may need a lie-down. > She had expected the young boy to quit and declare > that he couldn't do anything with the class. After all, this > class had some of the worse students she'd ever seen. But when > Ranma had taken over, he was getting more out of them, somehow. > He still had lots to learn though. > CROW: 'He was getting more out of them'... I think this prose came out of the Entendre-O-Matic 3000. SERVO:- Patented by Jim Theis! > Ranma said that he wanted to become the best martial artist > of his generation. MIKE: Um, no Ranma wanted his dad off his back, to deal with his emotions, and to hang loose and have a life. > Ogawa was fine with that, but she had other > objectives for the young boy. After all, what good is being the > best martial artist if you can't pass it along? SERVO: (shaking) ...Tell me that DOESN'T mean what it seems to! Tell me it DOESN'T! CROW: It does! I can't lie to you! *sob*... MIKE: Now, if I surprise him in the showers after class, I *think* I can get that sample and pass it on to the bureau... > She knew Ranma's > father from back when he was still dating Nokoda. CROW: Know his father I did! > How Gemna > Saotome had managed to teach Ranma up to this point was a mystery > to Ogawa. Gemna Saotome had to be the craziest teacher she knew. SERVO: Because Ranma only learns when he's going to die otherwise! Sadly, this technique did not fare very well applied to his classmates. > Well, aside from Mr. Kuno. > As she had required of him, Ranma entered her office after > class. "Reporting as ordered, Sensei," Ranma said. > "How did you think class went today, Saotome?" Ogawa asked. > CROW: It went smoothly once they learned to worship me. MIKE: I'm still disappointed that you can't get up off your lazy old ass and do my job, which is yours. But since I'm better anyway... > "Pretty good," Ranma said. "Yuki had some trouble on the > uneven bars, but Akane seems to have solved the problem. SERVO: With some hot preteen lesbian luvluv. The usual. > Hitoshi, Takeshi, Naiki, and Norio were awful on the pommel > horse. Rintaro is simply amazing on the rings, I'm going to have > him start helping out at that station. MIKE: (sighs) . . . and we have introduction sequence. CROW: Bets these folks won't appear in the story ever again? > Kodochi reports that Mayo > and Sakura show promise on the floor exercise." > SERVO: "Bufu and Koko report that Jojo and Lola are outpacing Kokomo and Omaha." MIKE: But what about Banjo, Bingo, Clef, and Pooter? > "I've noticed that you don't tend to compliment your > students when they do well, Saotome," Ogawa said. "Why not?" CROW: *gasp!* Positive reinforcement instead of ostracization and beatings! > "Dad never does," Ranma shrugged. "I've never thought of > it." > "Try it," Ogawa said, turning back to the window. "You may > go." MIKE: Wow... this fic's in realtime. SERVO: See, if you write something, you should get as much mileage out of it as possible -- why "show, not tell" when you can "show, tell, and tell again"? > Ranma was sparring with Akane in the Tendo Dojo. Akane had > lots of power, but very little finesse behind it. She tended to > follow the forms a little too closely. Ranma was trying teach > her a little more variety. > CROW: Anything Goes Vaudeville Comedy! We'll be a sensation! > "Akane, if you try that combination one more time, I'm going > to put you on the floor," Ranma said. MIKE: ... dammit, can we have one sentence in this story that isn't clumsy innuendo? Please? > "Oh? Let's see you try," Akane replied, launching the > combination. > SERVO: A double burger with fries! MIKE ... that answers my question. > Ranma slid down, launching a kick at her feet. Akane fell. > She rolled out of it, knocking the hand that Ranma had used to > balance himself for the kick out from under him. As a result, > Ranma fell on her. CROW: And now, a dramatic reenactment of the rolling scene from "Giant Spider Invasion!" MIKE I meant to do that! Really, I did! > It was at this point that Nabiki made her > presence know, with a flash of her camera. The picture she took > would later make it appear that Ranma was just about to kiss > Akane. Akane's gi had opened up as a result of her roll, and > Ranma had chosen to practice in just shorts. CROW:: Hey, it's like that scene where Shinji meets Rei in her apartment, only not awkward... SERVO: ...or *plausible* or anything... MIKE: ... > They separated quickly. CROW: It was best for the children that way. MIKE: ... my brain. MY BRAIN... SERVO: Wow. Lots of coincidences there. > "I see martial arts isn't the only thing you two are > practicing," Nabiki said, as she leaned against the Dojo > entrance. SERVO: Nabiki *IS* the Living Plot Device! > "We fell, Nabiki," Akane said. "I hope you get a boyfriend > soon. You need something to take up more of your time." > MIKE: I can't help it; I'm being controlled by some strange force that's forcing me to try and meddle to get you two bumpin' uglies! CROW: Master! Master! Where's the dreams that I been after? ... and I'm doing my best to get them to a sex type thing, really... > "A boyfriend is a waste of time," Nabiki said, turning to > leave. > "Great," Akane said in a dull tone. > "What was that about?" SERVO: "A boyfriend is a waste of time. Haven't you been listening?" > Ranma asked as they resumed their sparring. MIKE: VERBAL sparring. They're the new hosts of "Crossfire". > "Nabiki likes to embarrass me," Akane said, beginning a new > attack "She takes embarrassing pictures of me then says she'll > spread them around school." > "You shouldn't let her do that," Ranma said, dodging, and > returning the attack, before Akane got a hit in > "That was good. You can get her to stop." CROW: ...but I am a weak and easily manipulated woman, and would never think of harming others to further my own aims. > "Not really," Akane said, building on her success with a > flurry of attacks. "She's really sneaky. I liked it better when > she practiced the art a couple years ago. Then a sparring > session could settle it." MIKE: Would it be fair to say at this point that everybody was kung-fu fightin'? CROW: Yes, but we'd kill you. > "Was she any good?" Ranma asked, turning the battle back in > his favor. > SERVO: The innuendo was fast as lightnin', sadly, it was not done with expert timing. MIKE: But it is a little bit frightening. > "We were about equal," Akane said. "It wasn't Nabiki's > favorite thing to do, but she wanted to impress Dad." > "Why doesn't she do it anymore?" Ranma said, suddenly on the > defensive again. > CROW: I dunno, maybe it didn't provide any immediate possibilities for making people naked. > "Dad lost interest in teaching when Mom got sick," Akane > said, concentrating more on pressing her attack than what she was > saying. MIKE: Is it supposed to be witty that the dynamic of the conversation is opposite the dynamic of the fight? ...cause if it is, it's not working. > "I don't think Dad noticed when she stopped practicing. > Nabiki took over the money matters, so she still gets some > attention from Dad, not that he does much more than cry now." > SERVO: So, Dad lives in severe depression, and his pre-teen daughters are being forced to take on adult roles like managing the household finances... oh, but it hasn't made *me* dysfunctional at all. Hey, why don't you fall on top of me again? My gi might 'accidentally' fall open again. > "Well, if she publishes the picture, let's invite her for a > little sparring session," Ranma said. "Time to stop." > "Agreed," Akane said. "Who gets the bath first?" > "Your turn," Ranma said. "You're getting better." > "Thanks, but I don't think I'm pushing you yet," Akane said, > as they walked to the bath. > MIKE: . . .now they bathe together? SERVO: And Nabiki walks *out* of the bath, naked! CROW: No, Ryoga turns out to be in the bath! > "Akane, I spent the last three years in intensive training," > Ranma said. "You shouldn't be doing as well as you are against > me." MIKE: My Korarrushi Sushi time is 45 minutes, infidel! > "I have a good teacher," Akane said, entering the changing > room. SERVO: I have no idea why he keeps wanting me to bend over so much... he's balding and kinda short, but he knows a lot. > Ranma was doing a kata when Akane's voice called out, "Your > turn, Ranma." It had only been five minutes. He quickly entered > the changing room and undressed. He opened the door to discover > Akane just getting into the furo. CROW: More luvluv! Whee! MIKE: Again with the furry place! > "Nabiki." SERVO: No, me, silly! Teehee! If I get pregnant, I'll feel good about myself as a person, so c'mon, you stud! Teehee! MIKE: You know, all they need now is a beer and the wockachicka music. > "I'm going to kill her," Akane said. "This is what, the > tenth time she's done something like this." > "Sorry," Ranma said, embarrassed. > "Go ahead and shower, Ranma," Akane said. "It's not like we > haven't seen everything thanks to Nabiki." > MIKE: ... SERVO: Nudity is funny! CROW: Nabiki must be queen of her own little monetary world and concealing it behind a terrible pudding addiction... > "We really should do something about her," Ranma said. > "What can we do?" Akane said, relaxing in the furo. > "Well, we can make impossible for her to pull this trick on > us again," Ranma said. "Whose place do you want to study for the > Math test?" > "Yours," Akane said. MIKE: That'll allow for more unfulfilling innuendo CROW: Why the heck would they study the Saotome residence for a math test? SERVO: You've got pudding! Or at least pudding in potentio. MIKE: Pudding In Potentio is so a band name. > ---------Next Part---------- > Part 4: Nabiki. > Warning, this part is a Lime. MIKE: Well Stephen, they've all been sour. CROW: "A Little Earlier" is a satisfying lemon/lime sports drink. > Nabiki Tendo should have known that pasting a blow up of > Ranma nearly kissing Akane, carefully cropped so they appeared to > be nude, on Akane's English book was going to cause problems. SERVO: Gee, what was her first clue? MIKE: ... Stephen Ratliff, master of subtlety. CROW: She made 100 copies and sold them to middle-aged businessmen. > Ranma was red with embarrassment. And Akane, well... Akane didn't > know the picture was there. (although some of her classmates had > spotted it when she pulled it out of her backpack.) MIKE: ... didn't I see this plot on Family Matters? CROW: I hope not. Naked Urkel. (shudders) > So, she > could be excused for not hiding it when she was called to read > before the class. MIKE: Of course, since she was standing thirty feet away from everyone, nobody saw anything. > It was fortunate that the piece was rather > humorous, otherwise the teacher might have suspected something. > SERVO: ...This is JAPAN, that would go over like a Hiroshima Memorial Merry-Go-Round. MIKE: ... and dammit, why was I never in an English class that'll let me pull stuff like this? > It was a good thing that class ended after her reading, > because it gave Ranma a chance to tell Akane about the picture. > "Ah, Akane, remember that picture Nabiki took a couple days ago?" > he asked. Akane nodded. "Well, she pasted it to the back of > your English book." > SERVO: AND everybody else's. > "I'm going to kill Nabiki!" rang out in the hallway, as > Akane ran towards Nabiki's fourth period Economics Class. MIKE: ... And wackiness sues. Not ENsues, SUES to have its name taken off this fic. CROW: It's a fun-time sexual harrassment revue! > Ranma, after a pause, followed. > MIKE: Just don't try and jump out the window for a shortcut! It never... works... ooh, she's gonna feel _that_ in the morning. > "Akane, this isn't going to help," Ranma said, pulling along > side her. "You'll just end up getting in trouble. Come on, > we've got Gym. You can get your revenge later." > They had just reach Nabiki's classroom. Inside, Nabiki > could be seen in a terrified cringe. SERVO: And now, a cameo by Prince Adam's pet tiger. CROW: Nabiki. Pre-Cringing, For Your Beatdown Convenience. > "Plus, revenge is a dish best served cold," Ranma said, turning > Akane from her target. "Now, it's the girls' turn to do the > vault this week. How would you like to run that?" > MIKE: No, Revenge is a dish best served with fava beans and a light Chianti. > "What about the uneven bars?" Akane asked, as Ranma kept a > firm grasp on her, steering her to the gym. > "I'm checking people there today," Ranma said. "I'm sure > they'll be better than the pommel horse. That was a disaster." CROW: I mean, the way those girls were grinding against it and gasping, you'd think they were *trying* to rub against it... SERVO: I still wish I knew why the hell this was happening. > Generally Akane sat with Nabiki at lunch, and Ranma joined > her. But today, she rather mad at her sister, so she had found a > quiet corner, away from Nabiki. > CROW: Go 'way. Angsting. Angst angst angst. > Ranma arrived slightly late. He placed his lunch bag down > next to Akane. "Hi Akane," Ranma said. "I almost didn't find > you. Why aren't you eating with Nabiki today?" > MIKE: ... he has to *ask.* CROW: She put a nude picture of us on my English book! Weren't you paying attention to what you told me? SERVO: Ranma has the memory of Ronald Reagan. > "I'm still mad about that picture," Akane said. "What did > Sensei Ogawa want?" > "She's critiquing my teaching methods," Ranma said. "Says I > need to give more compliments. I don't know why. My Dad never > does." > MIKE: Because it's Japanese society and compliments mean jack squat unless you're really, really, good? ...say. CROW: That's because your dad is a huge prick who eats bamboo all day. > "Ranma, your Dad has the craziest training methods I've ever > heard of," Akane said. SERVO: So the training next week with fish sausages and hungry cats is right out, then? > "I think Sensei Ogawa may know more about teaching than he does." > SERVO: Gasp! A teacher knowing about teaching?! MIKE: Yeah, I mean, weren't you paying attention to Sensei Ogawa's internal monologue? > "She does have all those degrees and certificates on her > office wall," Ranma said. "Some of her Senseis were even > famous." CROW: Wow. Guess I'm better than *all* the authority figures, then, huh? > "She even has two 'Best Teachers in Nerima' plaques," Akane > noted. > MIKE: Does it matter that her name's not on them? SERVO: ...you know, I'm not sure. > "You know, Akane," Ranma said. "Dad's brought me to study > under many senseis, but he's never taken me to see his. He's > refused to even name him." > "Daddy's never told me his either," Akane said. "It should > be in the Dojo registry though." > CROW: "Hmm. Sensei... NEVER, EVER, SAY HIS NAME YOU STUPID, STUPID SCRIBE!... then it sort of trails off." > "Can we get a look at it?" Ranma said. "Dad said he once > was in residence at your Dojo." MIKE: Then they'll find out that Happosai is a scheming, evil, sex-obsessed lech who'll humiliate and embarrass them! ... and it'll still be better than life with Nabiki. > "I'll ask Daddy," Akane said. "I've got a plan to deal with > Nabiki now, though." CROW: It involves long mechanical tentacles and skimpy clothing. SERVO: ...for Nabiki, right? CROW: No, silly, for you! You'll be the distraction! > "I've got to hear this," Ranma said. MIKE: Yeah, it may resemble a plot. > "Are you sure this will work?" Akane whispered. She and > Ranma were both in the bathroom, waiting. > "It's your plan," Ranma said, listening. MIKE: What's their plan, synchronized bowel movements? CROW: ...I would have preferred the mechanical tentacles and skimpy clothing to the images I'm getting here. > Outside of the changing room, Nabiki was wondering where > Ranma was. He wasn't in the Dojo, the kitchen, or Akane's room. > Maybe he was in the changing room? SERVO: Hey, he's due for more sexual harassment! CROW: Damn, why can't he ever be in predictable places for these candid photo shoots? ...err, wait, something wrong there. > The changing room door's latch was easily heard by Ranma and > Akane. They looked at each other, and Akane giggled. Then they > took up their positions. MIKE: AKA 'the Monica'. SERVO: So, the plan involves nothing happening? At least it follows the rest of the story... > He wasn't in the changing room. Wasn't that Akane's giggle? > And the water wasn't running. There was no sound of splashing > water. What was going on in there? Nabiki opened the door to > the bath. CROW: And cue pre-teen porno wackiness... > There was Ranma. Naked. With her little sister in his > arms. Who was also naked. Both kissing passionately. All > semblance of consciousness left. ALL: ... CROW: ... I hate it when I'm right. MIKE: (shakes his head) Agidaagidaagida... SERVO: ...wow, what a plan. I don't know exactly what it's supposed to *do*, but it's one heck of a plan. > Hearing the sound of someone collapsing, Ranma and Akane > stopped kissing and turned to see Nabiki laying on the floor. > "It looks like it worked," Akane said, reluctantly pulling away. MIKE: Tell me again why he agreed to go through with this? ...Er, wait, don't answer that, tell me how she came up with this... CROW: Um, exactly how does this plan do anything more to *Nabiki* than it does to *us*? SERVO: Ha! The costs of developer fluid for all the prints will *bankrupt* her!! > "Yeah, it did," Ranma said. "What should we do with her?" > "Put her in her bed," Akane said, turning to pick up her > robe. > MIKE: Akane will use any excuse to get into Ranma's pants, won't she? CROW: And then stage the tableau with the K-Y and the cucumber... SERVO: Then the fun *really* starts... *wockachickawockachicka* > Ranma put on the one he'd brought from his place when it had > became apparent that Kasumi wouldn't let him leave until he > bathed. Together, they carried Nabiki up to her room. CROW: And then put *you* in her bed, then you call her "dear" when she comes around, then I walk in with the strap-on and say how wonderful group marraiges are... MIKE: This plot is getting goofy even by porno flick standards. > "By the way, Ranma," Akane said, as they entered Nabiki's > room. "That was a nice kiss. It felt really good." > "It was," Ranma said, as they laid Nabiki down. "I liked > it." > "I could tell," Akane giggled. > SERVO: By the way, Ranma, that stiff thing throbbing against me? That was nice; I liked that too. MIKE: All in favor of sudden suicide? BOTS: Me! > It was to that giggle that Nabiki awoke. "How did I get > here?" she asked. > "You fainted," Akane said. "So Ranma and I carried you up > here. If you're okay, Ranma and I will return to our bath." > Nabiki nodded and Ranma and Akane left the room. > CROW: And when she wakes up, she'll tell Dad, and I'll be grounded until I'm 30! Brilliant! > Images of what she had seen flooded back into Nabiki's > brain. It appeared that her sisters were beating her at > everything now. MIKE: Oh, so now it's BDSM. LOVELY. SERVO: And remember, competition rules them all, they hate each other and must dominate. CROW: Yeah, we know that having to work together to hold a family together will make sisters compete against each other brutally. > Akane was better at martial arts (not that > Nabiki really cared about that). Kasumi was a better cook. And > now Akane was ahead in the boyfriend category. Apparently way > ahead. SERVO: Apparently GIVING h-- nope, not gonna do it. MIKE: I cannot take competition. I must kill them both, make it look like an accident... > Sure Nabiki had some guys check her out. At thirteen her > figure was filling out nicely, but Akane had gotten a kiss, a > very romantic kiss from a guy when both were nude. CROW: ... oh, yes. *So* romantic. SERVO: Yes, what may have been a hideously unfullfiling grope . . . MIKE: Oh, c'mon. That was a "You're single and I'm not!" jealousy make-out. Nothing less sexy than that. > It probably > would have gone further if Nabiki hadn't interrupted. The worst > part was, Nabiki felt that she had caused the whole thing. CROW: Is this going to become a comparison of breast size and hair color in a cave? > She > had been continuing her teasing of Akane just like she had for > years. It had always been fun to get Akane embarrassed. She > always gave a satisfying reaction. This time, it just made > Nabiki depressed. SERVO: Finally, we can identify with someone. MIKE: It made her want to paint entirely in shades of blue. CROW: Y'know, this is reaching a dangerous level of quasi-plausible characterization. He'd better take this half a dimension away from Nabiki soon. > Ranma and Akane relaxed in the furo, the warm water > relieving the strains that their work out had given them. The > two weeks of constantly interrupting each other in the bath due > to Nabiki's tricks had made them give up on separate baths. CROW: Oh, of *course*. It wouldn't be because they were secretly horndogs themselves... it was *just* the bad habits Nabiki got them into... > Still this was the first time they had relaxed together in the > furo. So they were a little nervous. > MIKE: Uh, where's Mr. Tendo while this is going on? CROW: He's upstairs, crying, too depressed to take care of anything, while his daughters sexually harass each other and get naked with classmates of the opposite sex. MIKE: No wonder these girls are so screwed up. CROW: But this is Ranma 1/2, so that makes it Wacky Fun! SERVO: "Ranma 1/2. Putting the 'fun' in 'dysfunctional.'" > "Ranma, do you really think that our plan will stop Nabiki?" > Akane asked. MIKE: ...So, basically, they're letting Nabiki win. CROW: Pretty much. > "I don't know, it was your idea," Ranma said. "Plus, it's > not like she can do it now." > "What do you mean?" Akane asked. > SERVO: What exactly is stopping Nabiki from taking pictures of them in this situation? MIKE: The author. > "Well, we can't exactly walk in on each other if we are both > here," Ranma said. > "Right," Akane said. Then she got a glimmer in her eye. > "And this time, I get to tell her how it felt." > "What do you mean?" Ranma asked. > CROW: ...aw, god, no. SERVO: I mean I've been using you as a way of making my sister jealous, of course! I hope you didn't think I actually liked you! MIKE: Actual human intimacy is icky! > "Well... When Kasumi went to the dance last year, Nabiki and > I spent hours questioning her about it," Akane said. "Today, I > did something neither of them have done. I got a romantic kiss > from a handsome guy." MIKE: "Romantic" in the sense of "not romantic and entirely planned as a cruel practical joke." > "Who?" Ranma said. > CROW: ...you know, for a stud, you're pretty damn clueless. SERVO: She was kissed by Doctor Who? > "You, you silly boy," Akane said, splashing him. > "Silly?" Ranma said returning fire. > The bath quickly dissolved into a water fight. MIKE: Oh no, the bath is made of liquid metal! SERVO: And we need baths too! Ick... CROW: Unclean, unclean... > Part 5: An Ending and a New Page SERVO: Unfortunately, a page already highlighted all over by the previous owner. MIKE: Followed by Part 6: Another Paragraph Break > It was the last day in the Gymnastics section, so Ranma was > writing up notes on everyone as they did their final run though > the stations. CROW: And an A-Flat for you... a quarter B-sharp for you... > Sensei Ogawa was making her own notes from her > office. MIKE: Assets: Hard Pecs, Strong Biceps..Long.... Friend.." > Ranma was finding that his notes were revealing a > depressing story. SERVO: Yes, a depressing story, THIS one > There was no way he could consider even a > fourth of the class as good as Kodachi, overall. Most students > were good on at least one section, though. CROW: Needs to improve her rose-throwing and bitchlaughing, though... MIKE: Kodachi is good in sections we can't talk about > Sakura was up on the vault. She was one of the students he > believed had real talent. SERVO: Except this dumb floating teddy bear kept dragging her off to "Capture cards" > Kodachi had been singing her praises > on the floor exercise, CROW: ... with that voice, is Kodachi singing your praises a *good* thing? > and on the vault... well, no one else was > attempting a flip with a half twist. CROW: No one else was that dumb SERVO: No one else *liked gym class*. MIKE: HOT ACROBATIC ACTION > In order to provide some > fun for the last day, Ranma had gotten judges from other gym > classes that period. Five judges for each event. MIKE: Oh, he's appointing justices or something? > So far, no one > had gotten straight tens on any event. If Sakura didn't change > that, he'd be surprised. CROW: If I can't make someone a gold medal gymnast in a month, I'm suprised. SERVO: Yes, peer evaluation is a sure way to reaffirm self-esteem! > Flip, half twist, perfect landing with no hop. And the > judges say, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10. MIKE: The Bulgarian judge was currently tied up in the equipment locker. Ranma wasn't leaving *anything* to chance. > Sakura graciously accepted the applause of her classmates. SERVO: Tee hee. I sure do look *hot*, don't I? CROW: "Kero-chan Gymnastics CHECK!" MIKE: ...Whoo. Hoo. > The bell for the end of class and beginning of lunch ran, > but before they could leave the gym, the Sensei called for > attention. "Very good everyone," Ogawa said. "I need to see > Saotome Ranma, Kuno Kodachi, Tendo Akane, and Mori Rintaro in my > office." MIKE: Bring the whips and the Jello! > That was the lead members of Ranma's core assistants, all > the ones that had helped on multiple stations. Ranma expected > the worst. His evaluations didn't indicate that he'd done as he > had boasted. SERVO: But of course, since he isn't even a teenager yet, any shortcomings are cheerfully overlooked, and Ogawa has the tanto ready. > The four followed the Sensei to her office. The Sensei took > her seat behind her desk and the students stood in a lose semi > circle on the other side. CROW: Ah, it wouldn't be Ratliff without seating charts! > "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to > thank you all for teaching my class the past three weeks," Ogawa > said. MIKE: You've freed me from the prison of lesson plans and allowed me to become self-actualized! ... I'm ditching town. Have fun, suckers. > "Mr. Mori and Miss. Kuno, I'd like to extend a invitation > to join the school gymnastic team. SERVO: "Ranma, I'd like you to be the pigeon in a skeet shoot, but unfortunately I can't seem to arrange that." > Your performance has been > most impressive. Miss Tendo, I'd like you to serve as one of my > assistants for as long as you are in one of my classes. CROW: You'll start as an Assistant Gofer, but you can work your way up to Vice-President of Gofer Affairs. MIKE: So they have Teaching Assistants in junior high over in the Ratliffverse? SERVO: It's the Kids' Faculty! > Mr. > Saotome, while you did not meet your boast of getting most of the > class to Miss. Kuno's level, the whole class, with the lone > exception of Mr. Ishibashi, who refused to participate, did > improve. MIKE: So even though you suck, you don't suck as much as we thought you would. > I did not expect you to succeed with your boast, and I > didn't expect you to do so well. SERVO: Actually, for you, I had no expectaions whatsoever. > I'd also like you to serve as > my other assistant. I expect you and Miss Tendo to meet me > before class Monday. Dismissed." CROW: Oh, great! Akane, we get to do her busywork for a *whole year*!!! > As Ranma exited the office, he released a breath he hadn't > been aware that he had been holding. MIKE: Then he also realized his heart was working on its own. > "Were you worried Ranma?" Akane asked as they walked to the > cafeteria together. SERVO: What, me worry? CROW: Nah, I was just thinking of this crazy dream I had last night where I kept turning into a girl and Dad turned into a panda... > "Nah, if I was doing something really wrong, Sensei would > have let me know earlier," Ranma said. "Are we still sitting in > the dark corner, or have you made up with Nabiki?" MIKE: Ooh! Should I taunt her with the luscious, beautiful pudding, lying just outside her grasp? CROW: ... sure. > "Both of my sisters are getting on my nerves," Akane > replied. "Let's sit away from Nabiki." SERVO: The concept of Kasumi getting on someone's nerves is so far away from reality you'd need a malfunctioning warp drive to get there... > "Still bothering you about the kiss?" Ranma asked. > "They keep asking for details," Akane said, as they took a > seat in a quiet corner of the cafeteria. MIKE: Oh, my! So, did you guys get to third base yet? > "I thought you liked being ahead of them for a change," > Ranma said. He handed over the usual pudding, and Akane gave him > her cherry pie. CROW: Blazing Symbolism! SERVO: And Ranma gave Akane his ripe fruity banana. > "I know, but you can only describe it so many times," Akane > said. "It was only two minutes long." > "If you want a longer one, you only have to ask," Ranma > replied. MIKE: ...why *are* we here? SERVO: Pass that long-necked ketchup bottle, dripping its thick contents, will you? CROW: Sure... pass that heavily glazed donut with the creamy filling, will you? > "Pervert," Akane said. > "Hey, you were the one to suggest it," Ranma said. "And > don't tell me that you didn't like it." SERVO: But you have cooties! > "I did," Akane replied. "And it was easy to tell that you > did to." MIKE: "So, I really don't *know* why I called you a pervert. Boo hoo, forgive me, Ranma! My cognitive dissonance is driving home to me just what a horrible person I am to you! Please let me show my forgiveness with lots of gymnastic affection!" SERVO: Whatever you do, don't let "Focus on the Family" see this. > "Of course," Ranma said. "Have you found the Dojo registry > yet?" CROW: ... erm, cognitive link between dojo registry and hot hot preteen action, story? > "I asked Dad for it," Akane said. "He said he would have it > in my room when we got home." SERVO: Cut to Soun Tendo, dripping teriyaki sauce on freshly inked pages to give them that "aged" look. MIKE: (looks under the couch) If anyone finds a sequitur lying around, I think we're missing one... > Nabiki stared across the room at Ranma and Akane. She > wished she had an friend like Akane had found in Ranma. CROW: And now she wanted someone she could huggle naked with. SERVO: Yes, she was a *very* naughty Neriman, and she *had* to be punished... > Two > interests had dominated her life so far, money and mischief. MIKE: And chocolate pudding. Can't forget the chocolate pudding. > She had taken over the family finances when her mother had gotten > really sick, and as for mischief, well, that had been a constant. MIKE: Was it "The Only Constant"? > Her father had once said that she specialized in the sneaky > tricks branch of the Tendo School. CROW: Sneaky tricks branch? MIKE: Well it IS Anything Goes SERVO: Yes, Genma's the Craven Coward branch, Kasumi's the Oblivious Domestic branch, Akane's the Piledriver branch, and Ranma's the Godboy branch. > Now, she wanted something that money couldn't buy. SERVO: But for everything else, she had Nerima Express. MIKE: I know! I'll find a guy in serious debt and loan-shark him until he loves me! ^^ > Nabiki > had no idea where she would find a friend, or perhaps something > more. She had been the center of the rumor mill and the person > to go to for a loan since she had been in the third grade. CROW: And anyone who didn't pay on time found a "My Little Pony" head on their mat when they woke up from nap... MIKE: "Moonglow Pony! NOOOOOOOOOO!" > Both > of those were positions that made it hard to make friends, but > until now, she had never regretted it. MIKE: I REGRET NOTHING! CROW: ...wait, why am I regretting this now? I have absolute power! SERVO: I'm regretting why this was made. > The heavy dojo registry sat on Akane's desk. The dusty > volume listed every master, student and visitor to study in the > Tendo Dojo for over eighty years, carefully recorded under the > master of the dojo's hand. SERVO: Two solid lead covers pressing one sheet of paper flat. MIKE: Unfortunately, masters of Anything Goes tended to have really crappy handwriting... > "Why did you want to see this, Ranma?" Akane asked, as Ranma > gingerly opened the book. > "I want to find out who studied here and what schools they > were from," Ranma said. CROW: Hmm... oh, look, there's some master's grocery list... > "And perhaps who our fathers' master > was. Dad won't tell me." SERVO: Something about some terrible curse and a little demon who steals underwear. I don't even *wear* underwear... CROW: ... now what's this about a Circle of Masters...? > "Neither will mine," Akane said. "You know, that's a little > strange." CROW: ... Uh-oh. Happosai entering the picture; this *can't* be good. > Ranma turned the page, and found a document pressed between > the pages. "I wonder what this is?" he said, unfolding it. > "Contract of arranged marriage, dated 1976," Ranma read out. MIKE: Ranma and Akane have the Spirit of '76. SERVO: Better than the spirit of 69. > "This can't be real." MIKE: We are having the same reaction, Ranma CROW: Dad would have disposed of the evidence long ago when it became inconvenient. > "Let me see," Akane said. Ranma handed her the paper. SERVO: Indeed, it was *anti*real, and Ranma quickly became just a rapidly dwindling energy body, leveling half of Tokyo. MIKE: ... a happy ending! > "Saotome Gemna and Tendo Soun hereby pledge in marriage their > children, Ranma and Akane to marry when they reach maturity.... > Well that's Dad's signature." CROW: What kind of maturity are they talking about? If it's emotional, they'll probably be senior citizens by the time they marry. > "And it look's like my Dad's beside his," Ranma said. "I'm > going to kill Dad." SERVO: So it's OK for them to have luv luv when they're not mature? MIKE: How *dare* he force me to marry a girl I like kissing while naked! ...erm, wait... CROW: Dammit! You mean we're actually going to have to get married and consummate our attraction for one another? > "What, you don't like me or something?" Akane said, showing > her temper. > "No, it's just that he made this decision when we weren't > even a year old," Ranma said. "Nobody arranges marriages any > more." MIKE: I hope I never see another arranged marriage as long as I live! CROW: And look, WACKY FORESHADOWING! SERVO: Tradition being such a flimsy part of the Japanese culture. > "Apparently, our fathers do," Akane replied. "I wonder when > they planned on telling us?" MIKE: Oh, they practice just-in-time matrimony. CROW: Like just-in-time railroad repair > "If your Dad is like my dad, just before the wedding," Ranma > replied. SERVO: Genma's assholism is wacky! CROW: You know, I don't think the whole "kissing naked in front of them" thing will work on them. MIKE: It's the Anything Goes School of Wacky Romantic Dialogue! > "We should let them know we know," Akane said. > "Wanna have some fun with it?" Ranma asked, with a > mischievous grin. > "What do you have in mind?" Akane said. She knew the signs, > and this looked like Ranma had come up with an interesting idea. MIKE: The little lightbulb was a dead giveaway. CROW: Unfortunately, Ranma had only a 15 watt bulb. SERVO: It involves this shop called "Furedoriko's of Nerima"... > "Nothing much, just a version of your trick with Nabiki," > Ranma said. SERVO: We're going to foil their evil plans by eloping. > "We'll need more kissing practice," Akane suggested. MIKE: ... I'm pretty sure that kissing practice is a sign your romantic chemistry just isn't there. > "Schedule it in the furo," Ranma remarked. CROW: But if we schedule it in the furo, my day-planner's going to get all soggy. MIKE: Tomorrow we practice petting! SERVO: He wants to be the greatest make-out artist of his generation. > "Right now, we > have some sparring to do." MIKE: ...So that's what they call it. CROW: Beat each other up, make out naked, repeat! > It was a rather high stack of towels that Kasumi was > carrying. She had been putting off washing them in order to > finish a paper for her History Class. SERVO: Kasumi, putting homework above housekeeping?? Shaaaame! CROW: I have to write a 500 word paper on how mean the Americans were to us. > The stack blocked her view > as she entered the bath to hang them up on the towel rack. But > when she began to place them on the rack, it no longer blocked > her view. MIKE: ...It's a moving rack, then? CROW: Well, there's got to be at least *one* moving rack in this picture, Mike. SERVO: If something else were in front of her, it would block her view! Unless it was the thing she was looking at, in which cause it would not block her view, because her view would be of the thing that was not blocked from view! I, Mojo Jojo, will establish what Kasumi was seeing for you! > And she noticed that the furo was occupied with her > sister and her friend. Her sister was getting a lot more romance > than Kasumi. MIKE: That was *my* Harlequin novel that I carefully hid beneath the loose boards in... the... dojo. Oh dear. Note to self: find better secret hiding place. > "Oh my," Kasumi stated. SERVO: Oh my. I had no idea that wasabi could be used as a lubricant... [MIKE screams] > This broke Ranma and Akane's passionate kiss. "Can't a girl > have any privacy around here?" Akane asked, as Ranma moved to a > neutral corner of the furo. > "You really shouldn't be so forward," Kasumi admonished, CROW: However, feel free to continue! I'll be over here... stacking... towels... need boyfriend... > trying to fit into a mother role, and doing quite well. "Taking > baths with a boy isn't appropriate." MIKE: Despite the fact that Japanese families bathe together, making them by definition mixed-gender? SERVO: Kasumi, you need to get out more. > "He's not 'a boy,' he is my fiancee," Akane said. "Anyway, CROW: Oh, that's all right then. o/` hmm hm hmm hmm hmmm... o/` ::hang towels:: > we're done now. I'll be at Ranma's tonight." > "I'll meet you out front, Akane," Ranma said, exiting the > bath. > "Questions, older sister?" Akane asked to Kasumi's blank > stare. MIKE: ... one. Has someone explained to that boy the meaning of "foreplay"? > "Fiancee?" Kasumi sputtered. SERVO: Kasumi's got to be in an ethical dilemma now! > "Apparently Dad arranged it shortly after we were born," > Akane said. "Ranma and I found the document in the Dojo > Registry." > "Oh my," Kasumi replied. CROW: Heavens, there will be much kicking of ass. MIKE: I knew Father was severely depressed, but I had no idea he was that much of a dumbass! Oh, my! > "I'm not sure I really want to go though with it all," Akane > began. "I'm only twelve, it's not time for me to make decisions > like that. But I'm not happy about Dad taking the choice from > me. I mean, who arranges marriages anymore. SERVO: What were you looking for in the Dojo Registry, by the way? CROW: Um... Ah... I'm sure we were looking for *something*... > Still, Ranma's not > too bad, and I really want to get to know him better. MIKE: ...so you have a bunch of ambiguous feelings that you can't really sort out right now. SERVO: Basically, yeah. CROW: Wow... this all of a sudden turned into the Lifetime Movie of the Week. > I better > get going. Ranma hates to wait." MIKE: ... erm, why is Akane already acting like a submissive housewife? CROW: Turning stereotypically Japanese, turning stereotypically Japanese... > "Akane," Kasumi said softly. > "Yes." > "Try not to rush things," Kasumi advised. "Be careful." > "Yes... Mom," Akane said, touched by the sentiment, but > rather tired of the comment. SERVO: How dare she try to give me responsible and sensible advice! CROW: Even though you are only five years older than me, you are a grownup and therefore STUPID! > ---------Next Part---------- > Part 6: Fathers and Mothers MIKE: And My First Cousin That I Married. SERVO: By D.H. Lawrence. > It was quite late when Genma Saotome got home from his > second job. CROW: Now, see, this is utterly out of character... It strains credibility for Genma Saotome to have *one* job, but *two*?? > Usually, he would find Ranma already asleep on his > futon. Today was different. MIKE: He was on he couch! > His son was awake on the couch with > a girl. And they were kissing quite passionately. Ranma had his > hand under her shirt, and the girl had her hands under his. SERVO: He's trapped between second and third... caught in a rundown! > "What's going on, boy!?" Genma asked. CROW: ... at what point did Genma turn into Homer Simpson? > Ranma ended his kisses, and turned to look at his father. > "I'm kissing the fiancee you were kind enough to provide me," >Ranma said, MIKE: And she came with optional extras. SERVO: Genma provides quality fiancees at wholesale. THAT'S his second job! CROW: Come on down! It's a street-corners' worth of savings at Genma's!" > then looking back at the girl, he continued. MIKE: Damn you for engaging me to a girl I like! Adults SUCK! ... now, back to makin' out with my fiancee... CROW: Yes! See, doesn't *that* make you feel silly; don't you realize that arranging a marriage for me relieves me of all obligations to think about the consequences of my own behavior? > "Akane, > I think we let the time get away from us. Perhaps I should walk > you home?" > "I'd love it," Akane replied. CROW: Perhaps we should stop by the drugstore and pick up some latex objects along the way! ^_^ MIKE: Yes, and some Bubblicious! ^_^ > Genma Saotome looked at the two sitting on the sofa. SERVO: ...tell me again exactly what warning sign this is going to touch off in Genma's weird little mind? > His > son was supposed to be studying martial arts, not marital arts. CROW: wub wub wub MIKE: Martial arts? Marital arts? Let's do both! > Though the study of that would help him prove to Nokoda that > Ranma was a man among men. Still, can't let the boy know about > that. SERVO: Uhhh... I think he just found out, Genma. MIKE: ... see, that's why I'm watching. Research. Heh heh heh. > "Take her home, boy, and we'll have a long talk when you get > home," Genma said. CROW: Jesus, Genma, use a proper noun for once! MIKE: In my day, we didn't neck in our front parlours, we had to go all the way out to Make-Out Bayou, down 'round Route 50 there. > "Yes Father," Ranma said, in a much more respectful tone > that he usually used with his father. Ranma and Akane got up and > walked to the door. > "And Ranma, I want you back here quickly," Genma said. SERVO: Old man Tendo doesn't like smoochers on his property! MIKE: We're going to have a good long talk, Ranma Elmer Saotome... full of juicy confidences and helpful pointers... CROW: ... I knew Genma was bad. But bad enough to name a child "Elmer?" > Ranma and Akane walked hand in hand down the street towards > the Tendo Dojo. Akane had never been out this late before, well > awake at least. CROW: Though that wonderful night out sleepwalking to battle demons at the Tokyo Tower would stay in her heart forever. > There had been a couple times she had been taken > home asleep from her mother's bedside, but she'd rather forget > that. Ranma's presence made that surprisingly easy. MIKE: Mmm... nothing like being felt up to let me forget my dead mother... > "That went better than I thought it would," Ranma commented, > now that they were safely out of earshot. SERVO: Yeah, I thought feeling you up in front of my old man was gonna go over *badly*! > "Too well," Akane said. "It can't last." > "I hope it does," Ranma said, pulling her closer, so he > could place his arm around her. CROW: But I thought you didn't like the marraige thing. SERVO: ...you know, I'm beginning to wonder about that myself. MIKE: Wow... there's like... Soultaker levels of ju-ju in this fic... > Soun Tendo was worried about his little girl. CROW: Now let's go be exhibitionists in front of *your* dad! We can watch him plunge into a near-suicidal depression right before our eyes! > She was > supposed to be home from Ranma's an hour ago. He was searching > the table by the door for Ranma's phone number when he heard the > sound of rustling clothes from outside. MIKE: ... ooookay, right in the *street*... SERVO: Unknown to anyone, Soun Tendo had been exposed to a radioactive rice cooker at an early age and would don samurai armor and a ski mask to use his fearsome powers of super-hearing and spear-throwing, defending the streets against evil as WEEPING RONIN! > He looked out the > partially open door to see his youngest daughter kissing a boy > that could only be Ranma just outside the door. CROW: Let's see, we've been caught naked by Kasumi, naked and huggling by Nabiki, and heavy petting by your father! Now let's dryhump in front of my dad! Teehee, he's so funny when he powercries! > His eyes began > to fill with tears. Akane was growing up. MIKE: My daughter is a slut, I'm SO PROUD! SERVO: Apparently Truman also nuked the Japanese sense of decorum. CROW: Apparently Bizarro Japan's an ecadyiast utopia where exhibitionism solves *all problems!* > She had met her > fiancee and apparently was falling in love. SERVO: ... soon my little girl will be gone from me forever, and then the world will be so dark and so... cold... so cold... > He'd despaired of > the day she'd met Ranma for the first time, and find out about > her engagement. CROW: And in retrospect, he probably should have removed the incriminating evidence of the engagement before letting her see it, but ah well... MIKE: But now they're playing "hide the unagi" *right out on the front lawn*! Everything's going *swimmingly*! > Akane had been a hot headed and rebellious > child. He'd tried to temper that by engaging her in the > discipline of the art, and for the most part he'd been > successful. SERVO: No no, you go potty THAT way! > However, Akane still didn't do anything he wanted to > her to do if he asked directly. CROW: But now she's doing things I want her to do *without* asking her! Hmm... perhaps if I forbade her from ever seeing him again... > He had really been worried when > he'd spotted Akane and Ranma's betrothal agreement on Akane's > desk, but it looked like everything was working out. MIKE: Heh, those wacky kids, completely disrespecting their elders in a society built on tradition and respect... > His > daughter seemed to be enjoying her kiss with Ranma. SERVO: But a kiss IS just a kiss. MIKE: Soun must remember this. CROW: Give this one a miss. MIKE: Ooh, diss! SERVO: Play it again, Soun. > "Good night, Ranma," Akane said, opening the door fully. > "See you tomorrow." > "See ya, Akane," Ranma said, then turned and ran home. > Soun's tears obscured his vision as he embraced his youngest > daughter. > "You're growing up so fast," he wailed. MIKE: You've become a tramp even before puberty! I'm so proud! > "Daddy," Akane admonished. "It's just Ranma, and I really > have to get ready for bed." She disentangled herself from her > father and headed upstairs. SERVO: Next time, could you not do it right in front of me, though? Or at least give me some warning? > At the top of the stairs, she was ambushed. CROW: Your pudding or your life! ... I'm not playing, Akane! I'm jonesing *bad*!! > Both Kasumi and > Nabiki were leaning up against the wall, trying to act like it > was normal for the two to wait up until 9:30 for their younger > sister to get home. > "So, Akane, how was your date?" Nabiki asked. MIKE: Oh, I just made Dad cry! SERVO: ... Dad cried tonight at dinner when Kasumi was a minute late serving. What *else* happened? > "It was not a date," Akane said, trying to sound bored. CROW: I am *appalled* by your suggestion that we were doing exactly what we really WERE doing! > It > was not easy, her heart was still beating fast from a kiss Ranma > had given her. "It was a study session." She tried to walk past > her sisters, but they blocked the way. > "Basic Human Anatomy," Nabiki guessed. SERVO: Ooh, wacky repartee! MIKE: He was helping me study for a test! CROW: The pencil test? > "You're taking that, Akane?" Kasumi said. "If you need > help, you can borrow my books." > "I think Akane is taking a more physical course," Nabiki > said. "With Ranma." > "That's not really proper," Kasumi said. CROW: Well, she can still borrow my books! ^_^ .oO(Just different books...) MIKE: ...you know, I'm expecting a laugh track here. Really, I am. > "For your information, we were studying English, Geography, > and History," Akane said. SERVO: Geography, huh? Find Uzbekistan on a map, then. > "Are you sure you didn't study Ranma?" Nabiki asked. > "No," Akane said, then smiling. "I did that before we left > for his house." MIKE: Oy... (buries his face in his hand) CROW: No, see, the point is to blushingly deny our accusations of perversion, not go *through* them into something even more depraved and wrong! > "Akane!" Kasumi admonished, stepping back, and providing an > opening for Akane. > "If you don't want to hear about it, why did you wait up?" > Akane said, slipping by her sisters and heading toward her room. > "If you weren't denying it, we would be hearing about it," > Nabiki said, following. SERVO: If there were world enough, and time, your coyness, lady, were no crime! -- er, oh, my! MIKE: Look, is Ranma boffing you or not? CROW: It depends on what your definition of "is" is.... > "When I want to talk about it, I'll tell you," Akane said, > pausing at her door. "Right now, I just want to get some sleep." > "We should let Akane sleep, it is way past her bedtime," > Kasumi said. "Come on Nabiki, you can weasel out information > from Akane tomorrow." MIKE: ... I prefer the term "ferret," Kasumi. It's cuter. > "When do I weasel out information..." Nabiki said, as Akane > closed her door. CROW: Kasumi, help me! I don't WANT to be a caricature... SERVO: Come, let's let her sleep... I need to sharpen my killing axe, anyways ... oh, my! Did I say that out loud? > Akane put her backpack down on her desk. For some reason, > the Hello Kitty emblem on it made Ranma nervous. MIKE: He must have something against white blobs with yellow dots in the middle... maybe he grew up eating fried eggs? > She'd have to > ask about it sometime. CROW: That must be from when Genma tried to teach him the Hello Kitty Fist. SERVO: This story may not be the best place to have something called "cat fist"... > The Dojo Registry sat beside it, still > open to where the betrothal agreement had been found. They'd > have to look for their fathers' master later, but Akane was > sleepy, so she got ready for bed, wondering what Ranma was doing. CROW: Establishing peace in the Mideast? SERVO: Carving "I was shown up as an educator by a kid" in Ogawa's buttcheek... MIKE: Gee. You think he's cueing a scene change, folks? > Ranma wasn't doing that much. MIKE: He was... *doing a crossword puzzle!* BOTS: DUN-DUNNNNN! > His father was busy giving > his usual martial arts is the only thing that should be in your > life speech. CROW: "Martial arts is the only thing that should be in your life"? Did Genma take parenting classes from Ambassador Bashir? SERVO: ... if he doesn't want his son's life being polluted by emotional attachment, why'd he get him engaged, again? > Ranma was nodding at all the right places, and > generally ignoring most of the speech, while musing about the > topic in his mind. MIKE: Does my pigtail look better up or down? CROW: Well, this is realistic for a teenager > You'd think he could alter the speech a little in all these > years. And it's not even true. You can't live on martial arts. SERVO: Man shall not live by whoopass alone. CROW: Well, unless you beat people up and take their stuff. That works pretty well. > He's always saying that I must carry on the school. To do that, > I have to know how to teach, and Dad is far from a perfect > example for that. If I'm going to model my teaching on anyone, > it will be Sensei Ogawa. MIKE: Uh-huh. CROW: So he'll let small children boss him around? SERVO: Sensei Ogawa knows how to acknowledge her inadequacy and submit humbly to a superior! I'll do that too, in the unlikely event that I ever find anyone who is even capable of challenging me! > And he's really big on this heir to the > school thing, so shouldn't he be encouraging me to go out with > Akane? Oh, he's to the "You must carry on the traditions of the > Saotome School of..." MIKE: So I should feel up pretty girls and steal their underwear? CROW: Exac... oh crap. > Time to put on the respectful face and > response. I wonder... SERVO: ... I really do have to give him realistic behavior here. > "I understand, Father," Ranma said, in a very respectful > tone, which Genma expected. While Ranma had lost some respect > for his father over time, he hadn't lost it all yet. But that > loss of respect, was enough for him to not let the speech go > without question. "However, I do have one question." MIKE: Who put the bop in the bop-shi-bop? CROW: How *do* they get the Caramilk in the Caramilk bars? > "What?" Genma asked. He was a little surprised by the > request. > "If I am to carry on the School, shouldn't I learn how to > court my girl so that I can be sure of many heirs?" Ranma said. > Genma nodded. "Then you won't object to me spending more time > with her." SERVO: Spending more time in which your hands do not go under each other's clothes will do just as well, boy. CROW: ... you can't honestly expect me to carry on a conversation with her!! > The next morning, Ranma met Akane outside the Tendo gates. MIKE: Tendo Gates, Japanese software mogul. > They were to arrive at School early, as Sensei Ogawa >wanted them to meet the new sword instructor. SERVO: Ranma would later send the sword instructor away, as weapons were a limiting crutch. > Ranma had convinced >Akane that her gym attire would be a good thing to wear for their >early morning meeting. So now, he was trying to teach her to run on > the fence. MIKE: Okay, pick yourself up and try *again*... no, the concussion's normal! Both of them! CROW: No no, I said straddle the fence! You'll never get the 270 electoral votes without it! > "The key is to not look down," Ranma said, as he followed > Akane. "Trust that the fence will be as you saw it before it got > below you." > "I think I'm getting it," Akane said, concentrating on her > walk. > "Then it's time to go faster," Ranma said. SERVO: Raise your hand, if you want to go faster! > By the time they reached MacArthur, Akane was almost gasping > for breath. Sensei Ogawa was waiting for them outside her > office. The Sensei looked at the two, dressed in the blue shorts > and red t-shirt, MacArthur's gym uniform complete with the five > star logo of MacArthur Junior High. MIKE: ...in retrospect, we *really* shouldn't have made them more transparent when wet... CROW: Old junior high schools never die, they just fade away. > "I take it that you're doing that fence walking training I > heard you talking about last week," Ogawa said. "Very > commendable." SERVO: Here at McArthur High, we reward stupid risk-taking! > Ogawa knocked on her office door. A woman about > Ranma's father's age opened it. "May I introduced, the school > district's wandering sword instructor, Saotome Nodoka." > "Hello, son," Nodoka said. SERVO: ... okay, so this just happens by Wacky Coincidence? MIKE: Has anything in this story *not* happened by Wacky Coincidence? CROW: ...you're walking together with a cute girl in tight gym shorts... my husband HASN'T failed me! > - end part 6- > ain't I evil. [Mike and his robotic friends sit silent for a while until the closing credits of the episode run, before turning to one another...] MIKE: Well... Ratliffian WAFF. SERVO: Terrifying, huh? MIKE: Terrifying, eh? CROW: Just to make sure: is this supposed to be before Ranma goes to Jusenkyou? MIKE: I think so, if it's preteen Ranma and Akane, it'd be a few years before that... hence "A Little Earlier" CROW: Thus the lack of Wacky Curses. SERVO: Or any scrap of their original personalities... CROW: Just makes me wonder what other Ratliffian anime beerslams we can expect now. MIKE: Jay Gordan ends up in a wacky love triangle between the Essex princess Marrissa and roguish engineer Clara in... No Need For Jay! SERVO: Throw in Isabella as a perky spirit girl and you've got fan-fic gold. CROW: Maybe Marrissa can get some form fitting body armor to fight off aliens. SERVO: Perhaps some angst with Jay over having to pilot a giant robot to fight off Cardassians? MIKE: Or Clara can be in stylish swordfights in the honor of her Rose Bride! [The bots look cautiously over to the smiling Mike Nelson.] CROW: ...freak. MIKE: Gyah WHAT!? Just sayin'... SERVO: As fun as this is, we might want to take a break before delving into the second tape to clear our senses. MIKE: No kidding, this brainstorming's what caused Sailor Marrissa... [They all share a collective shudder of revulsion before heading to the kitchenette as the scene fades to black] ***************************************************************************** This has been a SVAM Production! Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all associated memes are the property of Best Brains, Inc. and are used without permission. Ranma « and its characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi. No Antarctic Press artists were harmed in the making of this MSTing. > "Trade you for this packaged chocolate pudding?" Ranma said. > "Homemade cherry pie has to be better than the packaged stuff Dad > buys." > "Okay," Akane said as the exchange was made. "Mmmmm > chocolate."