I guess. Anyway, hope you enjoy! Insane Fanfiction Theater #6 1/2! Love Hurts Written by: Melanie MSTed by: Justin Golden AKA J-Boogie. On: 6/22/98 Disclaimer: Could be the very first time a MSTer has gotten permission to MST a story before it's written. Wonder how? I'll explain down below. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Theme Song: In the not too distant future, In fact it's at the present date, There was a boy named Ryan, Who was going to meet his fate, He was to read fanfics his captor said Who turned out to be Oscar but wasn't he dead? And it seems that old Oscie is touched in the head Because Ryan was teleported to a place called Hentai Space.... (Argh! What now?!?!) Oscar'll send him crappy fanfics, the worst he can find(Lalala!) In order to find the exact one that will send him out of his mind(Lalala!) Now Ryan just can't control when the fics will begin or end(Lalala!) But to keep his sanity, he has the help of some Anime friends.... NIBUNOICHI ROLLCALL!! Ranma!! (I don't belive this!) Akane!! (Oscar no Hentai!!) Ryouga!! (Where am I--Oh.) Ukyou!! (This just sucks.) Now you're probably wondering how they'll eat and sleep and other science facts (Lalala!) but just remember it's just fiction so you should really just relax!! On Insane Fanfiction Theater 3000! (Twang!) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Our intrepid band of MiSTers were sitting in the lounge, recovering from the Koopa-fic they had just seen, when all of a sudden a message popped up on the monitor: "Greetings! Before you ask, this isn't Oscar. I've got a special request from a person who wants their story riffed. So, I ask you to do this. And I assure you, it could be worse. Signed, JB." They paused for a few minutes after the message disappeared. RYAN: Ok, we've got a mysterious message from somebody named JB. Do we know ANYBODY named JB? RANMA: Not to the best of my knowledge... UKYOU: So, what do we do? RYOUGA: I say let's do it. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? AKANE: One word: Tentacles. RYAN: Well, I'm in. What about you guys? AKANE: Well, I guess so. RYAN: So... WE'VE GOT SPECIAL FIC SIGN!! Everybody else: TIS A FIRST!! And off they go, into the theater! They take up their normal arrangement: Ukyou Ryouga Ryan Ranma Akane. > Author’s Notes: Before our story begins, I must RYAN: Prostrate myself and apologize. AKANE: Ryan! We haven't even started yet! RYAN: Sorry, those previous stories have warped me... UKYOU: If you ask me, you were already warped. RYAN: Hey! > give credit where credit > is due. RANMA: Alright, I've got the crystal vase I bought from Tiffany's, the Gucci dress, those purchases from Victoria's Secret... > All characters in this story are creations of Rumiko Takahashi. ALL: TAKAHASHI-SAMA!! RYAN: A name that can never be uttered enough. RYOUGA: What's a cow got to do with anything? RYAN: (groans) Riff the story, not me, alright? > To all the loyal Ranma 1/2 fans out there... RANMA: I spit in your general direction! And if you dare flame me, I'll taunt you for a second time! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries! Ptui! > I’m sorry. I hope you can > find it in your hearts to forgive me after you read this. ALL: We'll see... > "Love Hurts" RYAN: ~And everybody hurts... sometimes...~ > "C’mon, fight BACK already!” Akane Tendo was NOT happy about the > decision that Ranma was going to be HER fiance, RYAN: Yes. How could they expect her to marry a BOY... AKANE: I shall assume this takes place when we first met... RANMA: Uh oh... I'm in this too, aren't I? RYAN: (grinning) Looks like it. > but she had decided that > if he was here, she might as well use him for target practice. RYOUGA: Stand still! *BOOM* How can I *BOOM* aim this rocket launcher *BOOM* if you keep *BOOM* -- ooops, never mind. RANMA: You wish, P-chan! RYOUGA: And who're you calling P-chan?!? RANMA: You! You poor-cine excuse for a mammal! RYOUGA: Graaaahhh.... RANMA!! DIE!! And as it so happens every so often, Ryouga leaps out of his seat and tackles Ranma to the floor. > Problem > was, he was too fast for her to hit, UKYOU: Ranma *IS* the Flash! > and he refused to strike back. RYAN: Yes, for after the Fiancee Wars, it would be *SOUN* who would Strike Back, which would bring up the Return of the Baka. AKANE: I don't know whether to smack you or congratulate you for that riff. > It > was infuriating, to say the least. > > "I told you, I don’t hit girls." UKYOU: They hit me. Spank me, baby! RANMA: (climbing back into his seat) Ukyou! How could you?! UKYOU: (giggles) Sorry, I couldn't help it. > Ranma Saotome wasn’t happy that the > decision on whom he was going to marry had been taken out of his hands RYAN: Ah, so Ranma was into autoeroticism. Everybody else: What?! RYAN: I ain't saying... AKANE: Oh yeah? (pulls out a dictionary from hammerspace) RYAN: Uh-oh... AKANE: Oh... (giggles) That was funny. RANMA: What?! AKANE: (smiling) Oh, nothing. > entirely, but he had to admit, Akane wasn’t a bad choice. She wasn’t > exactly CUTE, but she did have spunk, RYAN: Yes, for she kept it in a jar after a previous date. *THWAP* OW! AKANE: Be glad you made me laugh with that last riff, or else it would've been the mallet! > and she wasn’t a bad fighter. Even > if she couldn’t lay a finger on him. UKYOU: Wow, one fic your tongue is lustful, now in this one your finger wants to get laid... AKANE: (groans) > Still, it was going to be tough > having a fiancee who apparently hated his guts. AKANE: I guess I'll do this one... I hate your stomach, I hate your intestines, and I ESPECIALLY hate your liver! Now as for the rest of you... > Akane’s temper was rising. RYOUGA: (singing) ~The punches were flying, her temper was rising, and everyone who's who knows... Ranma will fly... high high high in the sky...~ > The harder she tried to score on him, RYAN: Wooowww... and in the dojo of all places! I never knew you were into exhibitionism. *THWAP THUD SMASH* Ite... AKANE: Shut up. > the > easier it seemed to be for him to dodge. She was actually getting winded, All blow at the screen. > and sweaty. She, who fought off dozens of boys every morning before > school, without breaking a sweat at all! Something was definitely wrong > here. RYOUGA: Yeah, on one hand she's fighting off a bunch of hormonally driven guys and on the other she's trying to fight a guy who's been trained in the martial arts ever since he could walk. No, I don't see anything wrong there... UKYOU: Careful Ryouga, too much sarcasm and you'll never know when you use it. > Akane paused RYAN: *GONG* (singing) ~Ranma!~ RANMA: What in the world was that? RYAN: She paused, so that's the sound that signals pause has been activated. RANMA: You are very weird... RYAN: Thank you! > a moment to think things through, straightening her gi- > top so it wouldn’t look like she was beaten. AKANE: I didn't mean for you to spank me THAT hard. (breaks into a fit of giggles) RANMA: (thinking to himself - This is not a good sign.) > {The harder I try...the > harder it is to even get CLOSE to hitting him. So, I’ve got to stop > trying so hard. I’ve got to look for a weakness.} UKYOU: He flusters when around girls so... AHA! Open up the gi-top and... AKANE: For the sake of our friendship, please stop right there... > She gave him a good, > careful look while moving back into attack stance. RYOUGA: Here, I don't need this look. I like mine bad and dangerous... > {Let’s see...good strong legs, narrow hips, flat stomach, muscular > chest...} RANMA: I never knew I had narrow hips... though the rest of it's correct! RYAN: Warning! Ego growing too huge to be contained! > Akane mentally blushed AKANE: Wow, you can actually mentally blush? RYAN: Yeah, it's when you blush... but it doesn't show up on your face. AKANE: So how can you tell? RYAN: Uh... I don't know... > as she realized that she was actually > enjoying the view. It didn’t seem like it was going to help her find a > weakness. {Focus, girl...} UKYOU: -side seems uninitiated in the ways of... AHA! Oh Ranma, can I show you something? AKANE: (groans again) > Ranma, leaning casually against the wall of the dojo, couldn’t help > but notice her looking at him like that. {What now? Is my fly open or > something?} RYAN: No, because if it was she would've pounded you for being a pervert. RANMA: Says who?! AKANE: Yeah! Who says I'd do *That*?! RANMA: Yeah! Uh... wait, what *would* you do? AKANE: (smiling) My secret. > Nervous under her stare, he looked down to make sure it > wasn’t. RYAN: Little Ranma making an appearance, eh? AKANE: Hey! It is not little! Er, I mean... RANMA: (blushes) > An opening! Akane struck, fast as lightning, UKYOU: Tendou Akane, The Fury Lightning of the Tendou Dojou! > as Ranma took his eyes > off her for a moment. WHAM! UKYOU: Bam, thank you ma'am. Boy, quickest sex scene yet. RYAN: There was a crappy band named WHAM!, I think... > Her fist slammed into his jaw. A ferocious > joy overtook her, AKANE: I'm so happy, I could destroy you! Yeeeee! > and before he could recover from the shock of actually > being HIT by a GIRL, she had landed several kicks and punches on various > parts of his body. AKANE: Boot to the head! Boot to the rear! Boot to the... no wait, I want that intact. (giggles again) > "Hey...stop...OW!" RYAN: Mommy! She's hurting me! RANMA: Hey! Shut up! > Ranma finally recovered from the shock enough to > start dodging again, but he was blushing from embarrassment. He’d NEVER > been hit by a girl before. It just didn’t feel...right. RYAN: Yeah, he only likes it when guys beat on him. RANMA: Hey! AKANE: Ohhh... so that's why you fight Ryouga all the time.. RANMA: (splutters) Wh-what?! I-- RYOUGA: I knew you were sick Ranma, but that's just perverted... RANMA: ARGH!! > When Ranma started dodging again, Akane stopped. She brushed a > strand of hair off her face and stood there, panting. It had felt GOOD to > hit Ranma! AKANE: It always makes me feel better to hit him! > Then she realized how good it had felt. She wasn’t just > feeling the joy of the victor in a fight. There was also an unfamiliar > heat in her loins. RYAN: (looking down) HAPPOUSAI!! GET THAT PIPE OUT OF THERE THIS INSTANT! AKANE: Urk... (holds her stomach) as soon as I feel better, you die... > This time her blush was not just mental. The warmth in her loins and > the tingle in her breasts was not something she could ignore. UKYOU: Oh damn... ah well, hands... do your stuff... AKANE: Et tu, Ukyou? > Seeing > Ranma there, rubbing his bruised jaw and glowering at her, was just too > much. Without even thinking about what she was doing, she took his face > in both her hands and kissed him, hard. RYAN: How hard? RYOUGA: So hard, her face was melding with his. RYAN: Remind me to never count on you for a punchline again, Ryouga. > {What?} Ranma eyes bugged out in surprise. {She’s...KISSING me! > But...I thought she HATED me!} RYAN: Boy, if that's what she does to people she hates, I wonder what she does to people she likes. Heh... AKANE: (smiling) Ryan? RYAN: Yes? AKANE: I *really* like you. (pulls out her mallet and proceeds to smash Ryan into his seat) > As wrong as the hitting had felt, though, > the kissing felt right, so he mentally shrugged and wrapped his arms > around her, kissed her right back. RYOUGA: Instead of kissing her wrong back... so she's a humpback? > Akane closed her eyes in pleasure as Ranma gave in and kissed back. > {Maybe he’s not so bad a choice for a fiance after all...} She pressed her > body close to his as if the closeness would wick UKYOU: What's a candle got to do with this? RYAN: Ranma be nimble, Ranma be quick, Akane's about to get some--*THWAP THUD SMASH ZIP POW CRASH CRUMPLE* And if anybody is wondering about those special FX, it goes something like this: Akane backhanded Ryan upside the head, Ranma then punched him in the head while Akane's mallet impacted with Ryan's skull, Akane then proceeded to punt him into the air, where Ranma dropped kicked Ryan into the wall, where he collapsed to the floor unconscious. UKYOU: Now THAT was cool... > away some of the heat RYOUGA: If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen... > that was building within her. {Hey...what’s that poking....OH.} Akane > blushed some more. UKYOU: She blushes anymore and she'll be a beacon for any passing planes... > She could see where this was heading...and she liked > the idea. RYOUGA: Of course the actual act of doing it... > She tore his shirt open, running her hands down his chest. RYAN: (crawls back into his seat) Five bucks says the left hand makes it to the finish before the right. > {This can’t be happening. First she hits me, then she kisses me...now > she’s ripping my clothes off. And...EEEP!} Suddenly her hand was > somewhere he had NOT expected it to be anytime soon, if ever. RANMA: Er, if you don't mind, could you let go of my spleen? > Not that he > MINDED, precisely, but his head was reeling from all the shocks he was > getting today. UKYOU: Intern! RYOUGA: Yes, Doctor? UKYOU: He needs some more shock therapy! RYOUGA: Yes, Doctor. I'll pump it up to 2000 volts. UKYOU: Make it 8000. RYOUGA: Er... right-o, doctor... > {Hey, wait a minute...after today, she may very well kill > me for this. RYAN: You let me seduce you. This proves you're easy! For this you must die! *THWAP* Ow. > But right now, she wants me...maybe I should go ahead and > take advantage of the situation... Heck, she IS my fiancee, after all!} RYAN: Those are some VERY weird assumptions you're making, Ranma. RANMA: Hey! That's not me!! Or at least not ME me! > He followed her lead by tearing her gi off, and allowing his hands to roam > her body. RYOUGA: And here we have the hormonally driven male showing his affection by idly trying to grope her. And here she shows him how it's *correctly* done... > Their lovemaking was wild; passionate and uninhibited. RYAN: And, it seems, short. > Akane pinned > Ranma to the floor UKYOU: 1! 2! 3! And new RTWF Champion, Akane Tendou! AKANE: RTWF? UKYOU: Rumiko Takahashi Wrestling Federation. > and had her way with him, quenching the fire within > her...for now, at least. RYAN: Sir! We've got the fire under control! RYOUGA: Good, good... oh no, wait... she's walked in on him in the bath... UKYOU: Oh no! Sir! We've got a backdraft!! RYAN: Maybe you should've cut down on the beans, Akane. *THWAP* Ow. > The next morning, however, things were back to normal. Akane barely > spoke to Ranma at breakfast, and on their way to school, Ranma walked > along the fence instead of next to her. RYAN: But, he always walks on the fence... > He WANTED to walk next to her, > hold her hand, do SOMETHING to recognize what they’d shared last night, > but she presented her usual cold exterior. UKYOU: Easy to fix. Melt her down. RYAN: I don't think that's a very good idea. That's probably likely to get you arrested... RANMA: Shaddup!! > Akane noticed a shop she’d never seen before and paused to look in the > window. {Ooh, look at that leather!} RYAN/RYOUGA/UKYOU: Rawhide! AKANE: (perks up) Leather? RANMA: (glances nervously at Akane) > "Ranma, come here a second!" RYAN: (whiny) But Akane... I did that so many times last night... *THWAP* OW! > Curious, he walked over, then mentally > groaned at the window display. Outfits of leather and chains, stiletto- > heeled thigh-high boots, handcuffs, and whips were on display. AKANE: Ooooh... RANMA: (tries to edge away from her) > Ranma had > the uncomfortable feeling he knew why Akane was interested in this stuff. > He had a sudden vision of Akane standing over him in one of those > dominatrix outifts, cracking a whip over his naked body...and cringed. RYAN: (looks at the vision) Leather DOES accenuate curves... *THWAP* Ow! AKANE: Hey! No looking! Only Ranma can do that! > "How do you think I’d look in THAT outfit?" Akane just about purred RYOUGA: AAAHHH!!! She's learned the Neko-ken!! > as > she slipped a hand into his back pocket, giving his butt a little pinch. > Just thinking of what she could do to Ranma with one of those whips...or > the heels of those boots...was making her all warm and tingly inside, just > like she had felt when hitting him last night. RYAN: Aha! So *THAT'S* why Akane carries around all of those mallets! (pauses) I probably should have kept that to myself. AKANE: Nice thinking, but too late. *POW!!* RYAN: Ouchies. (passes out) > "I...uh...um..." Ranma squirmed and scratched his head. {Just my > luck, I’m engaged to a girl who likes to inflict pain...But...it was worth > it...I think...} RYOUGA: But I'm gonna have to do something about welts on my butt... RANMA: Damn you, Ryouga... > " I think you’d look...very...sexy." He winced at his own words, > KNOWING he was in for trouble later. UKYOU: You stuttered while giving your answer. Twenty lashes! Assume the position! AKANE: (giggles some more) > Akane grinned. "I was hoping you’d say that. Why don’t we stop back > here after school...and then we can go home and have some fun?" RYOUGA: Onee-chan... what's that screaming from Akane's room? UKYOU: Oh, just Akane playing around with Ranma. RYOUGA: Oh. Can we play around like we always do? UKYOU: (grinning) Why Kasumi, I thought you'd never-- They both shut up as they notice Akane glaring at them both. > "Um....OK..." Ranma mentally sighed. Loving Akane was fun, but man > was it going to be painful! > This story is dedicated to my boyfriend, RYAN: (wakes up) You're kidding me, she has one? AKANE: Ryan... no insulting the authors anymore... unless they deserve it. > whose MSTings of other lemons > inspired me to write this story for him to MST. RANMA: Wait... AKANE: This story... RYOUGA: Was written to be MSTed... UKYOU: And that's exactly what we just did... RYAN: ... nah, probably a coincidence. Everybody else: Yeah. > And for those of you > wondering if Akane's tastes and mine are similar...::Smirk:: Don't even > think I'm gonna tell one way or the other. Get your minds out of the > gutter, OK? RYAN: Or else I'll have to smack you. RANMA: Let's get out of here, guys. And so they all run out. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- It is night-time in Hentai Space, and our heroes are sleeping peacefully. Until a scream rings out among the halls. Ryouga, Ukyou and Ryan poke their heads out of their rooms to see what the hell is going on. Nothing seems out of the ordinary at first... until Ranma zips by in a pair of boxers, Akane trailing behind, wearing a leather bikini, carrying a whip, and crying out "Oh come ON Ranma! You haven't even tried it yet!" Ukyou suddenly looks pensive. "Say, Ryouga, what do you think of my spatula?" Ryouga, panicing, runs off screaming "OH NO! I'm out of here!" Ukyou sighs then chases after him. All Ryan could do was blink. "Looks like I'll need earplugs to sleep tonight. Sometimes I REALLY hate not having a girlfriend." And with a sigh, he went back into his room and fell back into the bed. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Alright, I'll explain now. Remember at the end of the story where she said this story was written to be MSTed? Well, I'm the boyfriend! Yep, that's me! She wanted to test out my riffing skills, so she drew this up to be MSTed. Just thought I'd point that out. And if anybody asks me about certain riffs and name placement... those are on purpose. Oh! And before anybody asks, Autoeroticism = "Self Love". You figure it out. To view my MSTings and many other excellent ones, Go to Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings at http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Temple/4007/MSTings.html You'll be glad you did!! This MSTing is dedicated to Melanie, my girlfriend who has given me much help in pre-reading my MSTings and stories, a whole bunch of friends who I throw these on and they still have yet to tar and feather me (I guess they like them! ^_^ Emoticons are our friends! When not overused that is... ), and to the GOOD fanfiction writers out there! These people prove that one can take a series and make a good contribution to it. I salute thee and the net thanks you for your wonderous work! You can all reach me at WHolden535@AOL.COM to tell me how I'm doing. And if you're interested, catch my website at http://members.aol.com/WHolden535/wacky1.htm! It hasn't been updated since around January, but I'm going to break down and update it... one day. MST3K is copyright of Best Brain's inc. Ranma 1/2 is property of Rumiko Takahashi. Sailor Moon is property of Naoko Takeuchi. And Darkstalkers is property of Capcom. Jaa na, minna-san! "Their lovemaking was wild; passionate and uninhibited."