MYSTERY CHAOS THEATER 3000 by Dallbun Episode 8: The Masters of Anything Goes Original fanfic by silverwing1 Visit the website: http://aglick.web.wesleyan.edu/Dallbun/ All referenced works the property of their respective rights-holders. Mystery Science Theater 3000 the property of Best Brains. Spoilers contained for Bishojo Senshi Sailormoon, particularly the fifth season, Sailor Stars (Though the continuity used in this MSTing is a mish-mash of the manga, anime, and musicals). And Ranma 1/2, maybe? ----- In the not too distant future Somewhere in time and space Galaxia's Sailor Animamates Are caught in a nasty place Destroyed and revived by their cruel ex-boss An evil gal possessed by Chaos From her starry throne, she sees her empire grow And contents herself by punishing her serfs who were too slow! "I'll send them cheesy fanfics, Dug from the Pit of Voles!" (La la la!) "Though I could kill them at a whim I'd rather crush their souls!" (La la la!) Now keep in mind they can't control What Galaxia wants to send (La la la!) They'll try to keep their sanity Though their torture never ends SENSHI ROLE CALL Mouse (Spring of Drowned CUTE) Nyanko (Let me help you learn the Neko-ken...) Siren (Roasted chestnuts are yummy!) Croooow (Bury my heart at Phoenix Mountain) If you're wondering when this all takes place Or where some riffs are from (La la la!) We suggest you brace yourself, instead For the fanfic yet to come It's Mystery Chaos Theater 3000 ----- [In some black, featureless void, four phone booths zoom in a single direction, at an indeterminable speed. The ANIMAMATES are inside them. They are still transformed. MOUSE, SIREN, and NYANKO look like they're sleeping. CROW is writing intensely in some kind of notebook.] CROW: ... [Suddenly, CROW throws down her pen in triumph.] CROW: FINISHED! [NYANKO jolts awake in surprise and panic at the loud noise.] NYANKO: [reactively] GALACTICA PUPPET! [In confusion, NYANKO summons her magical attack, and it hits MOUSE's phone booth, which shakes wildly, throwing MOUSE painfully against the side.] MOUSE: [yelping] Chuuu! [SIREN raises her head.] SIREN: [automatically] Bless you! [Chaos erupts. Eventually, however, everyone fully awakens and order is restored.] NYANKO: [irritated] Crow, what the hell are you thinking, shouting and stuff while the rest of us are trying to rest? MOUSE: Yeah! I need my beauty sleep! NYANKO: [under her breath] You sure do... CROW: Oh, uh, sorry about that. I was just really excited... [gesturing towards her notebook] you see, I finally finished my fanfic. ALL: ... NYANKO: Your fanfic? CROW: Yeah. You know. Remember how, back in the mists of unrevealed flashback, we all decided to write our own fanfics to stand as examples of the *right* way to... NYANKO: Yeah, yeah, I know. But we all finished our fanfics *ages* ago. CROW: ...you did? MOUSE: Yep. SIREN: We assumed you'd given up, Crow-san. Or gotten writer's block. CROW: No, of course not! How could I have given up when my fanfiction novella, "Dancing Mistress," remained incomplete? I have a duty to my fans, after all. NYANKO: You don't have any fans. CROW: That's easily remedied. No doubt they'll soon be knocking down my door. So to speak. MOUSE: Yeah, most fans can't really teleport between dimensions. SIREN: "Dancing Mistress"? Is your fanfic about a dancer, Crow-san? CROW: No. Rather, the title refers to several "dances": a half-remembered traditional dance from my main character's long-lost home, the celestial dance of the stars in the night sky (which is to her a symbol of trancendence and ultimate beauty), and the dance of political intrigue which, in the end, she cannot escape from. It... you know... operates on multiple levels. SIREN: That sounds deep, Crow-san. CROW: Thank you. MOUSE: So what series is your fanfic based on? CROW: "Little Snow Fairy Sugar." ALL: ... CROW: I think I expand upon the canon to great effect. NYANKO: ...right. So, is there any action or stuff? CROW: Not really. NYANKO: A cool plot? CROW: Well, it's really more of a character study than... NYANKO: [cutting in] Yeah, uh, Crow? Your fanfic sounds almost as boring as a staring contest between Brock from Pokemon and Xellos from Slayers. SIREN: Hey, that's what *my* fanfic is about! NYANKO: [grimacing] I know... I had to proofread it. SIREN: [cheerfully] I like the plot-twist I put in at the end! Where it turns out they were both asleep the whole time! [NYANKO shudders.] CROW: [stung] Hmmph. Well, what's *your* fanfic like, Nyanko? NYANKO: Heh heh. My fanfic is awesome. It's a mega-crossover, the likes of which has never before been seen! I call it "Conflict on Innumerable Worlds." The premise is that an immensely powerful being takes one warrior from every different dimension and decrees that they have to fight each other to the death for the fate of their homes. Only one dimension can survive. CROW: ...isn't that just an excuse for senseless violence? NYANKO: Exactly. SIREN: So who wins, Nyanko-san? NYANKO: It comes down to Goku versus Superman. Goku wins by forcing the conflict deep into space, far from the light of any yellow suns. Then, when Superman weakens, Goku throws him into the red sun of Krypton. You know, for extra irony. Then the being kills Goku and destroys all the worlds anyway. CROW: Words... fail me, Nyanko. SIREN: That sounds... exciting? MOUSE: Man, don't you guys know anything about fanfic writing? Character introspection, gratuitous violence, cheap laughs... none of that stuff is what people *really* want to read! If you want success, you've got to be able to describe your fanfic as a series of romantic pairings, like Usagi/Seiya or Shinji/Touji! CROW: And your fanfic has no dearth of romantic pairings, I'd imagine. MOUSE: Sort of. Like Nyanko's, my fanfic is a big crossover. But my story focuses on one character: a solitary traveler, cursed to forever be thrown between worlds by forces beyond her control (though how long she has in any given place, she never knows). So she gets involved in all kinds of stuff... it's sort of episodic, but the overarching plot is really about her growth as a person. SIREN: That's really neat, Mouse! CROW: Yeah, that actually doesn't sound half bad. So what's your cursed traveler like? MOUSE: [excitedly] Oh, she's a great character! She's a petite but strong-willed woman with striking white hair. She's extremely agile and dexterous, a master with her pair of curved daggers, and skilled in a variety of magics she's picked up during her travels. And she has a charismatic aura that exerts an undeniable attraction upon men. ALL: ... NYANKO: Mouse, you wrote a self-insertion fanfic, didn't you. MOUSE: No, of course not! I mean, sure, Mouselle Chuan bears certain *superficial* resemblances to me, but I certainly wouldn't call her a *self- insertion*. CROW: Wait a minute... I think the structure of your fanfic is starting to become clear. Mouselle travels between dimensions so you can have her hook up indescriminately with hot guys from all sorts of different shows, am I right? MOUSE: [defensively] She just gets so lonely... she accepts whatever transient happiness might come her way, though she knows that, due to her curse, she can never stay long with any one lover. CROW: Uh huh. MOUSE: Her tryst with Duo Maxwell really touches her deeply. [Suddenly, the phone booths disappear in flashes of bright light, reappearing on the bridge of GALAXIA's spaceship. On the viewscreen, GALAXIA is on her throne, her head resting on the palm of her hand with an expression of boredom.] GALAXIA: Well met, my miserable moppets. MOUSE: Umm, hi, Galaxia-sama! GALAXIA: So, have you been keeping yourself amused? CROW: Yeah, sort of. GALAXIA: I see. Unfortunately for you, I have not. Today is a very slow day... none of my minions report anything in the least bit interesting. I don't know, maybe I'm running out of enemies to oppose me or something. SIREN: You could always create a servant race of super-warriors that would invariably revolt and turn against you, Galaxia-sama! GALAXIA: Hmm. Yes, I suppose I could. But for the moment, I think I'll just inflict a bad fanfic upon you. NYANKO: Man, *another* one? GALAXIA: There's not exactly a shortage, Nyanko. SIREN: Fun! A fanfic! CROW: Great. What is it this time? GALAXIA: Oh, another little gem fished from the black morass that is Fanfiction.net. It's called "The Masters of Anything Goes," by silverwing1. MOUSE: Huh. So it's a Ranma 1/2 story? GALAXIA: Well, it's really a Sailor Moon fanfic. I mean, I suppose it *must* be a Ranma 1/2 crossover... but I skimmed all five chapters, and I didn't really see much Ranma 1/2 stuff in any of them. Some ki, maybe. And a lot of talk about Nerima. But definitely no Ranma. SIREN: ...Is there any 1/2? GALAXIA: No. Anyway, this fanfic may not be the absolute worst you've ever read, but it's fairly boring and irritating, which matches my mood perfectly. SIREN: You feel boring and irritating, Galaxia-sama? GALAXIA: No, you dolt, I feel bored and irritated! And you're going to feel *de-boned* and *irradiated* if you don't get going fast! NYANKO: Alright, alright, already... [The ANIMAMATES quickly leave the room through the double doors.] ----- [Inside the viewing room, where four movie-theater style seats face towards a large screen. The ANIMAMATES enter and take their seats. From left to right are SAILOR IRON MOUSE, SAILOR ALUMINUM SIREN, SAILOR LEAD CROW, and SAILOR TIN NYANKO.] CROW: By the way, I've decided not to post my fanfiction on the internet. NYANKO: Yeah? Did you realize how completely lame it is? CROW: No, I don't want to expose it to the unappreciative eyes of thousands of idiotic philistines like you. NYANKO: Ah, don't be sore just because my fanfic kicks your fanfic's ass. MOUSE: Well, I'm definitely posting mine! Maybe people will send me some Mouselle Chuan fanart! }The Masters of Anything Goes CROW: The Anything-Goes School of Fanfiction Writing, no doubt. SIREN: I think all the authors we've read have been students of that! }silverwing1 } }(Chapter 1: Default Chapter) } >Silverwing: Hey people. Wuz up. NYANKO: The sky. >I decided to start my R½ /SM fic instead of my GW/SM. I'll probably start >writing that one after I finish the first part of my DBZ/SM fic. SIREN: [cheerfully] Looks like she has her "To Do" list all planned out! NYANKO: Yeah, uh, how about she changes it to a "To Don't" list? >I've never even seen Ramna and I don't know all that much about them > ALL: ... CROW: I have a really, really bad feeling about this. SIREN: Don't worry, guys! She may not know much about Ramna, but surely she knows a whole lot about Ranma! >Disclaimer: I don't own SM or Ramna sad to say. If I did Mamoru wouldn't >even exist. > SIREN: Poor Mamoru-san seems to be really reviled by some fans. MOUSE: They're just jealous of him. They want Usagi all to themselves. >The Masters of Anything Goes: Prologue > >/Flashback/ > >"Dad." yelled 16 yr. old Soun Tendo. CROW: Soun Tendo, gifted with the amazing power to yell with periods. >"Me and Ikuko wanted to talk to you about who is going to own the dojo." > NYANKO (Soun): See, we were talking about murdering you in your sleep, but we wanted to make sure our inheritances are... um, I mean, we were just curious. >Mr. Tendo turned to his children. " Well I have decided that you can both >run the dojo. There is plenty of space for both of you to live here and it >will be easier having more then one martial artist running it." CROW (Ikuko): Uh, dad, I don't think we're on the same page here. We don't want to *run* the dojo. Real-estate is worth a lot of money these days, you know... >Ikuko looked at her father. " But what happens when we have kids of our >own?" "Well that will be up to you two. You can do what I'm going to do or >you can choose by which ever child is the best martial artist." SIREN: How about choosing the child that's the better teacher? CROW: And this is assuming that Mr. Tendo's grandchildren will want to spend their lives running the place. > >/End Flashback/ > >Usagi sat in a chair in the living room. MOUSE: Just one of the many thrilling activities that occupy her day! >She remembered when her mother had talk to her about NYANKO: ...how she squandered her youth sitting in chairs in the living room for no good reason. >what her grandfather had said. She sighed. < I won't be the one inheriting >the dojo. All because I had to live in this stupid city. CROW: I'm not sure I follow her reasoning. MOUSE: C'mon, Crow! Running a martial-arts dojo is totally a youth sport! If she doesn't start training now, she's never going to hit her peak in time to be competitive! >I wish I could though.> SIREN: Wow, everyone seems to want to run a dojo! I had no idea it was such a popular career! > >" Hey odango amata I'm ready." CROW: Isn't it kind of weird for Chibi-Usa to call Usagi 'odango atama', considering she has the same hairstyle? MOUSE: But Chibi-Usa's are pointy! If Usagi is "dumpling head," Chibi-Usa is, like, "beet-head." SIREN: Stop it... you two are making me hungry. >ChibiUsa shouted in the doorway of the livingroom. SIREN: Indoor voices, please! She's in the same room. >" Okay lets go head over to the park so we can start our picnic." NYANKO (Chibiusa): Why can't we picnic here, where the TV and air conditioning are? >Usagi stood up and her and ChibiUsa headed for the door. When the two >arrived at the park they spotted Minako, Ami, and Makoto setting up the >sight for their picnic. MOUSE: They were putting on glasses? >They walked towards them. > >" Hey minna." "Hi Usa, hey ChibiUsa." CROW (Senshi): ...hello ChibiChibiUsa, greetings ChibiChibiChibiUsa. >They smiled. Usagi looked around. " Where's Rei and Mamoru?" >She didn't notice the scouts give each other a knowing look. MOUSE: Woah, did they kill those two or something? NYANKO (Ami): Oh, don't worry, Usagi... you'll be joining them shortly. >Minako looked at her. " Rei said that her grandfather needed her to do >something at the temple before she left so she's going to be late. CROW: Shrine. Shinto has shrines. Temples are Buddhist. SIREN: Or Catholic! >Darien CROW (Usagi): Dammit, Minako, I don't care about this "Darien" person! I'm asking about Rei and Mamoru! >has to study for test his test remember. SIREN: [confused] "Test his test"? MOUSE: "Test His Test!" The thrilling new game show where competitors attempt to top each other's performances on popular standardized tests! NYANKO: That sounds about as thrilling as Sailor Moon destroying the monster-of-the-day. >He said he's going to try to make it. "Oh." After they all finished setting >up Ami sat and read while the others decided to play a card game. MOUSE: Specifically, strip poker. SIREN: Well, playing that in the middle of the park would sure give them incentive to win! > >" Hey Baka Usagi lets do something else this game is getting boring." Usagi >pulled a frisbee out of her bag. MOUSE: Uh... did she just say that to herself? CROW: Baka Usagi! Frisbees are for kids! >"You want to play frisbee. SIREN (Chibiusa): Uh... no, I don't... NYANKO (Usagi): [Threateningly] You *want* to play frisbee. Unless you'd rather argue the point...? >It'll help when you throw your tiara." CROW: But... Chibi-Usa doesn't throw her tiara. NYANKO: C'mon, Crow, what are you expecting from these fanfics? Consistancy? >"Okay." They walk to a clear spot a couple of feet away and started to >throw the frisbee back and forth. CROW: Unfortunately, since they were only two feet away from the others, Usagi accidentally tripped over them on her first receive. >"ChibiUsa here let me show you how to throw it really far." MOUSE (Usagi): First, you climb Mt. Fuji... >After a couple of tries the frisbee sailed into the trees. "I did it." NYANKO (Chibiusa): Heheheh... now, once I learn to use Moon Tiara Action, those trees will *pay* for mocking me. >"That was good. I'm going to go get it." Usagi jogs over to the trees to >look for the frisbee. She picks it up and turns around to head back when >she hears a noise. CROW: You know, I read this paragraph and I wonder why the tenses suddenly change to present instead of past. NYANKO: I attempt to explain to Crow that the tense-changes follow logically from the fact that the fanfic is terrible. >She starts to walk away when she hears someone moan. "Mamoru." MOUSE: Oooh, so she knows *exactly* what Mamoru sounds like when he moans? SIREN: Bad Mamoru-san! I thought you were more of a gentleman than that! > >Usagi walks behind the bushes and there is Rei and Mamoru practically doing >it against a tree. SIREN: What's "practically doing it" mean? MOUSE: They're "doing it," but they're being very practical about it? CROW: I don't know... "doing it" against a tree in the park sounds fairly impractical to me. >She gasps. "Oh my god." she said in a low voice. Rei turned her head. "Did >you hear that." CROW (Rei): If your soul hasn't given up entirely, you should be able to hear that sound, running about the Ends of the World... >"No." Mamoru starts to kiss her again when he hears a familiar voice. "You >bastard." NYANKO (Mamoru): Hey, leave my unverifiable parentage out of this! > >Mamoru and Rei turn their heads to see a very angry Usagi. "Usako...um >we were just-" SIREN (Mamoru): Practicing mouth-to-mouth? CROW (Rei): Exorcising an evil spirit by sucking it directly out of his body? MOUSE (Mamoru): Uh... oh no! I'm possessed again! Oooh... I am Evil Endymion... it is the will of Metallia that I make out with Rei... >He was cut off by a punch to his stomach. MOUSE: Wow! This fanfic is really laying on the sex and violence! SIREN: o/ In olden days a glimpse of stocking o/ o/ Was looked on as something shocking o/ o/ Now heaven knows, o/ o/ Anything Goes! o/ >"I know what you were doing Mamoru. CROW (Usagi): I know what you did last fanfic. >Why?" "Usako let me explain." NYANKO: Bah. If he can still speak coherently after a vengeful woman punches him in the stomach, Usagi must be a pretty pathetic puncher. SIREN: She should carry some mace, instead. >"I want to know why." she yelled. MOUSE (Mamoru): Uh... because she's hot? >Her eyes were fierce and cold. Rei's eyes narrowed. "I'll tell you why. You >wouldn't give him any. SIREN: o/ Love is like a magic penny o/ o/ Hold it tight and you won’t have any o/ >You were being selfish SIREN (Rei): ...and you wouldn't share him with me, either! MOUSE (Usagi): Fine, fine. We can have a ménage à trois. Are you happy now, Rei? >and you didn't care about his needs so he came to me." CROW: You'd think that if he had wanted sex, he would have kissed Usagi more than three or four times in the entire series. MOUSE: He's... uh... subtle. CROW: You call *this* subtle? >Usagi turned her head and stared at her. "You damn tramp. I can't believe >you." She turned to Mamoru. "And you. You couldn't respect me and my >feelings so you decided to go behind my back." CROW (Mamoru): I'm so sorry, Usako. Next time I'll be sure to *tell* you when I'm cheating on you. >she was yelling and screaming. Mamoru stared at her then he started to get >angry. "You wouldn't give me what I needed so I went to a person that >would." MOUSE (Mamoru): You know I can't live without my shoujo manga, dammit, and Rei has a larger collection than you! > >Now Usagi was pissed. NYANKO: Ooh. Watch out. The princess is *pissed* now. MOUSE: She probably has a Sailor Moon Kick with his name on it! >"I'll give you what you need." She ran at him and punched him in the face >then kicked him in the stomach. MOUSE: Hey, I was right! NYANKO: Yeah, and considering how much the last punch hurt him, he's probably starting to get a *bruise*! >Mamoru hunched over in pain. Usagi reached down, grabbed him by his wrist >and threw him over her shoulder. CROW: Does anyone else find this slightly surreal? NYANKO: Actually, the sheer random violence is starting to win me over! I think I like this fanfic! >Rei gasped. "Mamoru-kun." She turned to Usagi. "How could you do that." >Usagi walked over and slapped her in the face. "How could YOU do THAT to >ME?" MOUSE: Catfight! [NYANKO raises an eyebrow.] MOUSE: Uh, no offense intended. >She watched as Rei turned around and ran in the direction Mamoru had flew. SIREN: He can fly! CROW: He can fly. MOUSE: He can fly! ALL: o/ He can fly, he can fly, he can fly, he can fly, he can flyyyyyy! o/ >She steadily walked after her. She wasn't done with them yet. NYANKO: She's going to beat them until they cry, "Lovely!" > >ChibiUsa and the scouts MOUSE: That sounds like a crappy teen idol band. SIREN: "ChibiUsa and the Scouts - Dianarock"? >were all talking waiting for Usagi to get back when Mamoru landed near >them. CROW: Okay, wait a minute. If Mamoru and Rei were going to have an affair, wouldn't they be smart enough to NOT do it in a park where they know the others are going to be? I mean, Mamoru *does* have an apartment! MOUSE: Ah, but it's the risk of discovery that gives their liaison its special flavor! >They stared at him and saw the blood coming from his mouth and prepared to >transform. SIREN: "Prepared to transform"? What are they waiting for? CROW: Obviously, someone has to say "Minna, henshin yo!" first. >Mamoru landed hard on his back. He cried out in pain. Ami ran over to him. >"Mamoru what happened?" He couldn't answer. He was in too much pain. NYANKO (Silverwing): He gasped in pain, thinking painfully about the immense pain in his pained pain-receptors. >He turned his head at the sound of his name and saw Rei running towards >him. He looked past her to see a still very pissed Usagi. ChibiUsa turned >to Usagi. "What's going on?" "Mamoru and Rei have been sleeping with each >other." ALL: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! >ChibiUsa gasped. The other scouts didn't say anything. CROW: Is this a good time to point out that if the author isn't using the dub continuity, they aren't *scouts*? SIREN: As good as any, I suppose, Crow-san. CROW: Ahem. THEY'RE NOT SAILOR SCOUTS! >Usagi looked towards them and they turned away. "You all knew didn't you?" >Makoto looked down at the ground. "They made us promise not to." MOUSE: They made them promise not to know? NYANKO (Makoto): So, we all had voluntary frontal lobotomies so we wouldn't know any more. >"So decided that it was better to go behind my back instead of breaking a >promise." MOUSE (Makoto): And, uh... you didn't ask? >They didn't say anything. Usagi ground her teeth and her hands tightened >into fist. Soon her knuckles turned white. NYANKO: You might say her knuckles were thirsting for blood. CROW: Indeed. > >ChibiUsa stared at Usagi. She saw that her eyes were glassy. SIREN (ChibiUsa): So *that's* where the marbles I lost went! > ChibiUsa turned her head >to stare at the scouts then she glared at them. "How could you? Usagi is >your best friend. She risked her life for you guys so many times and THIS >is how you repay her. I use to like you guys, but now..." SIREN (Chibiusa): Now I'm seriously considering using Pink Sugar Heart Attack on you! That'll teach you a lesson! >She shook her head. Mamoru limped towards her. He grabbed her wrist. NYANKO: [hopefully] And threw her over his shoulder? >"ChibiUsa." He whispered. She pulled her arm back. "Don't touch me. How >could you do that to my Mamma? MOUSE: Yo' mamma! >Your not my father. CROW (Mamoru): No... I *AM* your father! MOUSE (Chibiusa): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NYANKO: Frankly, if I was Mamoru, I'd be more concerned about the fact that Chibi-usa was my *daughter*. >I don't want you to be." Tears were streaming down her face. With that she >ran off. Usagi watched her leave. Her gaze softened as she watched her >retreating form. "ChibiUsa." She turned her gaze to the scouts and it >hardened. SIREN (Usagi): See if I ever buy cookies from you again! >"From now on we are no longer friends. When you see me on the street don't >talk to me, don't sit with me, MOUSE: [confused] She's going to sit on the street? >don't even look at me or you just might regret it." NYANKO (Rei): Yeah, I'd regret it. Because you're so UGLY. MOUSE: Oooh, burn! >Rei glared at her. "Yeah right Usagi. What are you going to do klutz out >and fall on us? CROW (Usagi): Keep up that attitude and I just *might*! >We're not scared of you and we have no reason to be." Usagi looked down. >Rei smirked in triumph. does. The big baby.> > >Usagi looked down. She was really mad. It was getting really hard to keep >her battle aura under control. CROW: Because, of course, we all know the incredible fury and killing rage of Usagi. [ALL nod sagely.] >She didn't want to hurt them to badly. Killing them wouldn't be a good >thing. NYANKO: Hey, go for it, Usagi! SIREN: Now, now, Nyanko-san. Two wrongs don't make a right. NYANKO: How do you know? Have you ever *tried*? > >Usagi looked up at the scouts. They were shocked. Rei especially. They had >all expected her to run away, but she didn't. SIREN: o/ She bravely ran away... o/ CROW (Usagi): I didn't. SIREN: o/ When danger reared it's ugly head, o/ o/ She bravely turned her tail and fled. o/ CROW (Usagi): No, no, no! >She was looking at them with a look that said she wanted to do some >violence and had a malicious smirk on her face. MOUSE (Usagi): Heh heh... man, you guys are standing high and mighty now, but I'm sure that sometime tonight I'll think of a witty comeback so *devastating* that it will leave you curled in a fetal position for weeks. *Then* you'll be sorry. >(AN: Think Vegeta.) NYANKO: "What Would Vegeta Do?" It's a question we should never stop asking ourselves. GALAXIA'S VOICE: It's so true. >She stared at them. Then made eye contact with Rei. Rei took a step back at >the look Usagi was giving her. CROW (Rei): Stop! Stop looking at me with those sympathetic eyes! You must hate me! Dislike me! Hate me! NYANKO (Usagi): Okay. >What she said next really surprised them and the way she said. "If only you >knew Rei. If only you knew." SIREN (Usagi): o/ Nobody knows... the troubles I've seen... o/ >She said it in a deathly low whisper. Then she walked up to Rei and punched >her. NYANKO: ...Okay, even I think that this "Usagi hitting things" stuff is starting to get a little old. >She took a step back and let her aura flare to life. The scouts gasped and >took a step back. Usagi smirked again and the aura disappeared. SIREN (Usagi): Pretty cool, huh? I can also do some really nifty card tricks! >She turned around and started walking away. "Don't cross me like I said or >you'll really regret it. It's over between you and me Mamoru. You can sleep >with that 2 dollar ho all you want." MOUSE (Mamoru): Really? Whoo-hoo! >They watched her walk away. Minako shuddered. "That was creepy." >They all nodded and walked to Ami's house to get Mamoru cleaned up. Rei >stared at the sky. She's gotta be with an aura like that. We'll get rid of her just like the >rest of the negatrash.> CROW: "Negatrash"? [She puts a hand to her head and groans.] SIREN: It's negatime to negatake out the negatrash! > > >(AN: What do ya think. If this sounds familiar to your story in anyway I'm >sorry. I didn't mean to. PLEASE don't sue me. SIREN: Well, since you asked so nicely, I guess we won't sue you after all. NYANKO: [grudgingly] I *guess*... >Didn't you just love the part between Usagi and Mamoru. I know he didn't >get beat up that badly, but just wait. He will. CROW: Now *there's* a promise sure to draw in readers. >Mwahahahahahhaha. Sorry. I just really hate him. Gotta go. Oh yeah. Review >or the whole Nerima crew will come after you. Ja ne. ALL: ... CROW: She *threatens* people into reviewing her fanfic? GALAXIA'S VOICE: Actually, it's not as uncommon a practice on fanfiction.net as you might think. MOUSE: Good thing we're "reviewing" it, then! SIREN: [worried] But we're not posting it in the 'reviews' section of fanfiction.net... do you think it counts? > > }(Chapter 2: Goodbye ChibiUsa) > >Silverwing: Hey fanfiction readers. I probably won't be updating for a >while because I'm joining the track team and I'll probably want to sleep >more because I'll be tired from practice. NYANKO: Look, girl, we didn't ask for your entire life story! MOUSE: I dunno. I'm kind of more interested in that than in the fanfic. >I'll try to stay on top of it as much as possible. > >Disclaimer: I don't own em blah blah blah. You know the drill. SIREN: Wouldn't it be cool to write fanfiction for your own series? Then you could be all like, "I actually *do* own all the characters, thank you very much." MOUSE: But then it wouldn't be *fan*fiction. SIREN: ...how about if you're your own biggest fan? > >The Masters of Anything Goes: Goodbye ChibiUsa > >Chapter 2 > > >"ChibiUsa where are you?" SIREN: o/ We got some work to do now! o/ GALAXIA'S VOICE: Bah. We would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids and their cats. >"I'm over here Usagi." Usagi turns to the sound of her voice and sees >ChibiUsa sitting on a rock next to the lake. SIREN: o/ Sitting on a rock by a lake o/ o/ Watching the whole time-stream break... o/ >Usagi walks over to her and sits down. ChibiUsa looks at her. CROW: One does not use "her" in congruent sentences to refer to different people. >"I'm sorry Usagi." Usagi looks at her. "It's not your fault ChibiUsa. You >didn't know about it. I'm just sorry you won't be born." ChibiUsa looks >down. "Don't worry Usagi. I'm not mad at you. I wouldn't want you to be in >a relationship with someone that hurt you just because of me. NYANKO (Chibiusa): You should be in a relationship with someone who hurts you even when I'm not around! MOUSE: Wait, what? >Besides I might even still be born no matter who the father is. If that >happens then I'll just look different." CROW: Well, I guess we know this author's view on the "Nature versus Nurture" debate. She stands in the little known *third* camp: Predestined Personalities. >Usagi looks into ChibiUsa's teary blue eyes that are exactly like hers SIREN: [interested] Exactly? Is Chibiusa a clone? >(AN: I made her have eyes blue because those red eyes are just...freaky.) MOUSE: Man, she has no respect for the works that her fiction is based off of, does she? NYANKO: If she did, she wouldn't be crossing over a series that she's never *seen*. >and her eyes start to water. She gives ChibiUsa a weak smile and hugs her. >"Thank you." ChibiUsa hugs her back and then pulls away. " I'm going to >disapear from the time stream." "How much time do you have left?" "I have a >half hour before I disspear." CROW: Uh... it takes *time* for temporal paradoxes to kick in? MOUSE: Hey, it happened at the beginning of the Sailor Stars anime. CROW: I always thought that Chibi-usa's existential wavering then was more about fluctuating probabilities than about... time limits. SIREN: What I like is how she immediately knows how much time she has left! She must have a *lot* of practice with messing up the time stream! >"Lets head to the outers house so you can say good bye." ChibiUsa nods and >takes Usagi's hand and they go to see the outers. NYANKO: Feh. *That's* how she wants to spend her last half-hour before retroactive non-existence? C'mon, Chibi-usa! Wreak some havoc! MOUSE: Yeah! She could have sex with Mamoru like she's always wanted to! This Mamoru probably wouldn't mind! > >/A couple of blocks from the outers house/ > >ChibiUsa looks at her hand and her eyes widen. She looks at Usagi with a >terrified look. "Usagi its happening." Usagi looks at her and her eyes >widen. She watches as ChibiUsa's hand starts to dissapear. SIREN (Usagi): Oh, no, Chibiusa! Time is changing so that your right hand will have never existed! >"We gotta hurry >ChibiUsa if you want to say goodbye." ChibiUsa stares at Usagi with tears >streaming down her face and she sadly shakes her head. CROW (ChibiUsa): Actually... I didn't want to say goodbye. I was just following along with you to be polite. >"I won't make it." Usagi looks down. "I'm sorry I couldn't get you there in >time." MOUSE (Usagi): I guess we shouldn't have taken that left turn at Albuquerque... >"It's okay >Usagi. Can you tell everyone I said goodbye?" Usagi looked at her with sad >eyes and nodded. ChibiUsa looks at her arm and sees that everything from >her elbow and down is gone. She turns around and picks up Luna P. NYANKO: With what? Her non-existent hands? SIREN: With her teeth! >She turns >to Usagi. "Can you give this to Hotaru for me? I want her to remember me." SIREN (ChibiUsa): o/ ...once in a while, please promise me she'll try o/ MOUSE: Well, they never said their love was evergreen, or as unchanging as the sea. SIREN: That's true. >Usagi gave her a small smile and nodded. "Okay, but she won't forget you >and neither will I or the other outers." ChibiUsa smiles and gives her a >hug. CROW: Of course, lacking arms, this basically involved ChibiUsa leaning on Usagi. >"I love you mamma." Usagi starts to cry. "I love you too my daughter. >I'm going to miss you." They both started to cry harder. "Don't forget me >odango." NYANKO (Usagi): I won't, ChibiUsa. MOUSE (ChibiUsa): You promise you'll remember me? NYANKO (Usagi): Yes. MOUSE (ChibiUsa): You really promise? NYANKO (Usagi): YES. WE'LL FREAKING REMEMBER YOU, YOU WORTHLESS PINK SPORE. MOUSE (ChibiUsa): So... you won't forget about me? >Usagi looked at her arms that were holding the little girl moments >ago. NYANKO: Suddenly, they began to disappear as well... SIREN: Temporal instability is contagious! >She looked up at the sky. CROW (Usagi): KHAAAAAAAAAAAN! >"I'll never forget you Small Lady." [NYANKO twitches.] >She felt the tears slip down her cheeks and watched them hit the ground. >She silently stood up and picked up Luna P. MOUSE (Usagi): Well... at least I got a free soccer ball out of all this. >She stared at the magical ball that looked like Luna SIREN: Oh, I don't know... Luna might be getting a little plump, but she's not *that* round yet. >and that caused more tears to come to her eyes. She hugged it to her chest >and walked the rest of the way to the outers house. She looked at the >ground as she walked and didn't even notice the rain. NYANKO: Nor did she see where she was going, I'd expect. > >/The outers house/ > >Hotaru looked away from the TV at the sound of the door bell. MOUSE (Hotaru): Aww... something *always* interrupts "The X-Files." >She looked at the table where Michru and Haruka who were playing a game and >stood up to get the door. CROW: Okay, so the Outer Senshi are living in a house together and Hotaru is grown up, but Chibiusa and Mamoru are still around, so this must be... in between episodes 172 and 173? NYANKO: I take comfort in the fact that Galaxia will be arriving soon to cleanse the planet of life. >Hotaru reached for the doorknob and shuddered. She had a bad feeling. SIREN (Hotaru): Saturn-sense... tingling. NYANKO: Woah. I *totally* want to be bitten by a radioactive Saturn. >She opened the door and saw a drenched Usagi hugging Luna P to her chest >with tears streaming down her face. Her eyes widened. Usagi looked at her. >"Haruka-papa come quick." MOUSE: Hey, what's Michiru? Chopped liver? >Haruka and Michru looked up NYANKO (Haruka): Well, what do you know. Gullible *is* written on the ceiling. >and ran to the door. They stared at Usagi and then brought her inside. >Haruka looked at her eyes. "Koneko what happened?" SIREN (Usagi): I [sniff] tried to get Luna-P to make me an ice cream sundae and... [eyes watering] IT WAS TOO MELTY! Waaaaaaaaah! >Usagi looked at Haruka and then to Hotaru and slowly walked over to her. >She handed her Luna P and Hotaru stared at Usagi with a pleading look. >Usagi looked down. "I'm sorry firefly, Hotaru. CROW: ... But... she's speaking in Japanese, and Hotaru *means* firefly. Did she just say, "I'm sorry hotaru, Hotaru?" MOUSE: Nah. In Japan, Engrish is in. She really said "FAIYAFURAII". >* sob* She's gone." Hotaru looked at Usagi and felt tears spring to her >eyes. "No. She can't be gone." She slowly sat on the ground and cried. >Usagi sits next to her and pulls Hotaru into her arms. "I tried to get her >here to say goodbye, but we didn't get here in time." SIREN (Michiru): Usagi... Maybe you should have made a phone call or something, instead of using up your extremely-limited time by walking here? CROW (Usagi): Oh, uh... right. I'll do that next time. > >Haruka and Michiru watched with tears in their eyes. "How did this happen? >She couldn't have just...the future must have changed." CROW: I find the absence of Sailor Pluto telling. Looks like *someone* harbored a secret hatred for Small Lady... >Michiru said in a low voice. Usagi stood up while still embracing the >crying Hotaru. "It did change." They all turned and listened as she told >them what happened in the park. Haraku was pissed. "Those bastards. MOUSE: Oh my god! They killed Chibiusa! Those bastards! NYANKO (Haraku): They spelled my name wrong! I *will* have revenge... >How could they do that to you and the other three to not tell you..." >she growled deep in her troat. SIREN: [confused] Her troat? CROW: To troat is to "emit a cry intended to attract other animals." Especially at rutting time. SIREN: Oh... I guess that... uh... makes sense? >" I'll kill em. Especially that asshole Mamoru." NYANKO (Haruka): I'll kill him especially well! He'll be pretty damn dead when I'm done with him! Even more dead than the others! >"Haruka as much as I want to see you use a world shaking on him I think NYANKO (Usagi): ...that a Space Sword Blaster would be *so* much more painful. >a sprained wrist, two black eyes, a bruised stomach, and back are enough >for now. MOUSE: Wait... didn't the author say at the end of last part that Mamoru *didn't* get beaten up that badly? CROW: If those were *light* injuries, I wouldn't like to be Mamoru later in this fanfic... >I want to talk Pluto about ChibiUsa on Saturday" Haruka sighed. "Alright." SIREN (Haruka): Let's see... she has a Saturday free in September, 752, Post Crystal Tokyo. Is that a good time for you? > >Usagi looked down in her lap at the sleeping Hotaru. "I feel terrible. She >lost her best friend." "I know. ChibiUsa was her first true friend. She's >never going to get over it." Michiru said in a sad voice thinking about how >upset Hotaru was. NYANKO: Oh, yeah. She's so incredibly upset, it took her about five whole seconds to fall asleep. SIREN: It's, um, comfort sleep? I guess? >"Haruka what time is it? NYANKO (Haruka): Time to *take over the world*! MOUSE: Time to get a new watch, apparently. >I need to get home." "It's 5:30. You should probably head home. You can >borrow as umbrella since it's still raining." "Arigato Haruka- >chan." CROW: [grinning] Oh, so it's "Haruka-chan" now? SIREN: Now, now. It wouldn't be very nice for Haruka to hit on Usagi. She's on the rebound. >She slowly lifts up Hotaru careful not to wake her. "I'll see you guys >tomorrow okay." They both nodded as Haruka handed Usagi the umbrella. "Be >careful Koneko." MOUSE (Hakura): ...I really like that umbrella. >Usagi gave her a sad smile and walked out into the rain. > >/Usagi's House/ > >A still damp Usagi walked into the house. She took her shoes off and >sighed. After she left Haruka's house she had took the long way home. CROW: ...East, cutting across North America, Europe, and Asia. >She had passed some places that had brung back passed memories which >had caused her to cry again. SIREN (Usagi): o/ When I think about the first time, o/ o/ I thought I found someone who cared for me, o/ o/ But things were not as they appeared to be. o/ CROW: [dubiously] DiC dub songs? SIREN: Look, I *like* Rainy Day Man! >Usagi wiped her eyes as she heard footsteps coming towards her. She looked >up to see her father. "Usagi dinners ready. MOUSE: Usagi dinners? NYANKO: They're having rabbit stew. SIREN: Awww... >Go upstairs and get cleaned up." Kenji was about to walk away from his >daughter when he saw her tear stained face. NYANKO: What? He saw the tear-stains on his daughter's face just after she came in from the rain? SIREN: Maybe he just thinks she's been crying a whole lot? On her own head? >He walked up to her and wrapped a arm around her shoulder. "Usagi what's >wrong? Why are you cryin?" Usagi turned to her father and saw the concern >look in his eyes. "Dad, some of my friends betrayed me, and MOUSE (Usagi): ...on top of that, I found out that they have better sex lives than me! >because of what they did a little girl that I was friends with left." As >she said this tears started to form in her eyes again. "I'm sorry Usagi. >But why did your friend have to leave?" "Umm...because her parents said >that if she couldn't make friends here then they would move back to where >they use to live." CROW (Kenji): Wait a minute. Because some of *your* friends betrayed *you*, a little girl had to leave because *she* couldn't make any friends? Why wouldn't this little girl have made friends within her own age-group? MOUSE (Usagi): Ummm... look, dad, a distraction! >Kenji noticed the hesitation, but just figured that it was because she was >upset. SIREN (Kenji): Well, it's a shame about your unidentified friend, Usagi. By the way, where's ChibiUsa? >"Dad. I want to move back home. I tried to get use to it, but I can't trust >any of these kids anymore. They are all fake, and I don't know who is my >friend and who isn't." CROW (Usagi): It's pretty embarrassing when I go up to random people in the street and act all friendly to them, and it turns out they weren't a friend after all! > >Kenji watched as his daughter turned away and walked up the stairs. He >started thinking about what she had said. He walked back to the kitchen and >saw his wife and son. "Shingo do you like it here?" "Do you mean in this >house or in Juuban?" SIREN (Kenji): I mean here in the kitchen. I think you might have a career ahead of you as a chef! >"Overall in Juuban." MOUSE (Shingo): Do you mean right at this moment, or over the whole course of our time here? >"It's okay I guest, but it's nothing compared to Nerima. I miss all my old >friends and a lot of these people can be annoying." SIREN (Shingo): Unlike Nerima, where the people aren't irritating in the slightest! I can't wait to see Nabiki, Azuza, Mikado, Tsubasa, Shampoo, Mousse, Gosunkugi, Kodachi, Tatewaki, Principal Kuno, Happosai... NYANKO: Wait a minute, who in Nerima *isn't* annoying? SIREN: Hmmm... >Kenji nodded. "Shingo can you go eat in the living room so I can talk to >your mother?" Shingo picked up his plate and walked out. "Kenji what's >wrong?" "I'm starting to think that moving to Juuban wasn't a good idea." CROW: Wow. I don't know many families that move because their daughter's friends "betrayed" her. NYANKO: Yeah, well, I don't know many super-powered martial artists who work as magazine editors. >"Why not?" He told her what Usagi had said and she frowned. "I guess the >kids never did get use to it here. Do you want to move back?" He sighed. >"I'm getting sick of these smart ass kids. At least in Nerima most of the >people have the strength to back up the crap they say. CROW (Kenji): Of course, by "most," I mean the couple dozen people who are super-powered martial artists. Everybody else doesn't count. >Here everybody is a chicken. NYANKO (Kenji): Here, *nobody* tries to kill each other as a way of settling arguments! Everyone's so peaceful! I want some good, old- fashioned attempted murder! >Talking about people behind each others' back. Usagi's right. People here >are fake. MOUSE (Kenji): I mean, half of them are actually disguised youma or droids or aliens or witches or whatever. >I think it would be a good idea if we moved back to Nerima. CROW (Kenji): Where everybody is completely up-front about their emotions! Incidentally, I can't wait to see our niece, Akane, again! >I have to see if I can get a job there first, but if I can't then may be we >could send the kids there until I can find one." Ikuko smiled. "That's a >good idea dear. That way we'll all be happy. We can be around our friends >and family again." SIREN: Hasn't Ikuko made any new friends in Juuban? CROW: I guess she's just been standing around in the kitchen for years, waiting for someone to burst in and attack her. She probably doesn't know any other ways to meet people. >She watched as Kenji stood and went to the phone. Usagi and Shingo will be happy to go back home. I miss my nieces too.> >Smiling to herself Ikuko cleared the table. > >/Usagi's room/ MOUSE: Where the action is! > >Luna was upset. "I'm sorry Usagi-chan." "It's not your fault." CROW (Luna): Well, actually, I'm the one who set them up to... um, I mean, of *course* it's not my fault! Eheheh... >"You beat Mamoru huh?" "Yeah. He deserved it. He wasn't even thinking about MOUSE (Usagi): ...the fact that *I* wasn't getting any, either. >ChibiUsa. And he was calling ME selfish. That bastard." "Don't worry Usagi. >You only have to see them when there is a youma." NYANKO: Great. Is Juuban still infested with Generic Youma? CROW: In bad fanfics, it always is. >"I'm not helping them at all. Rei said they ddn't need me so lets see how >they do with out me. I'll fight along side the outers from now on. SIREN: Umm... don't the Outer Senshi fight the same monsters the Inner Senshi do? MOUSE: It's all about what clique you're in, Siren. >Only when the final battle comes will I ever fight along side them again." NYANKO (Usagi): After all, just because I don't like them, it doesn't mean they're not good cannon fodder. > >/In the future/ SIREN: ...there will be flying cars and cute house-cleaning robots! CROW: No, that was the future in, like, 1940. These days, the future is a post-apocalyptic nuclear wasteland. SIREN: W... with cute robots, right? > >ChibiUsa looked around. She was in the royal gardens at the palace. NYANKO: She was locked in a cage next to a sign that said "Temporal Anomaly." >She looked up at the earth and frowned. She looked back at the palace and >ran inside. She turned a corner and saw a dark hair man with a black cape >bellowing behind him as he walked. MOUSE: Hey, would you quiet down your cape? It keeps on bellowing! >She ran towards him. "Papa." she cried. CROW: Uh... did Mamoru come up with a *really* good apology or something? MOUSE: After ChibiUsa's disappearance, he probably guilted Usagi into having sex with him again. >The man turned around and picked her up. SIREN (Chibiusa): Pa*pa*! I'm nine hundred years old! Stop treating me like I'm a baby! >He stared into the eyes of his daughter and smiled. They were so much like >his, but then again him and his wife's eyes are very similar. "Welcome >home, rabbit." NYANKO: And with that, he dropped the illusion, revealing himself to be a member of the Black Moon Family. Small Lady didn't even have time to scream. >Noticing the sad look in her eyes he frowned. "What's wrong? Did someone >hurt you?" MOUSE (Papa): Would you like to move to Nerima? CROW: Clearly, that's the correct course of action whenever your daughter is sad. >She shook her head she opened her mouth to respond, but someone else spoke. >"She's upset because she couldn't say goodbye to Hotaru, and she knows what >the inners did to me." She looked behind her and saw her mother. She >climbed out of her father's arm SIREN: Yea, she springs forth from her father's arm like Athena from Zeus's brow! >and ran to her mother and hugged her. She looked at her father. MOUSE (ChibiUsa): Eh... I'd give you a seven out of a ten. Sorry, but my last father was hotter. >"I know why you don't like them now and I think that you're right papa." He >stared at her and then smiled. "Go see Akina. She's waiting for you in her >room." NYANKO (Papa): ...with a knife. > >ChibiUsa squealed in delight. Akina was her favorite cousin. They always >had fun together. CROW: Oh, I'm *sure* they *do*... MOUSE: Amara and Michelle have lots of fun together, too! >(I made the name Akina up. If it is a real name and it means something then >please tell me what.) CROW: Well, *everything* means something if you use kanji. >She started to run to her room, but she suddenly turned around. "How come I >had to come home like that?" NYANKO (Serenity): You mean in the way that looked exactly like you were being erased from existence? That's because you're really dead, or rather were never born, and this is all some kind of strange, un-life hallucination. Sorry, kiddo. >Serenity looked at her. "Dear you know that the Tendos have no cousins that >are your age." CROW: ...What? That's a stupid reason! The closest person to Chibi-Usa's age in the Tsukino household is Shingo, and it's not like she ever hung out with him! And even if she did, he's going along to Nerima, too! SIREN: I'm sure it makes sense to the author. >"Oh. Will I be able to go back soon?" "Yes. You have to wait a little while >though." ChibiUsa nodded in understanding and ran to her room to see her >cousin. SIREN: You know... now that I think about it, where's Diana in this fanfic? Wouldn't she have been back in time with ChibiUsa, too? MOUSE: She and Pluto are probably working overtime at the Gate of Time-Space trying to stop the space-time continuum from collapsing because of all this. > >"I wish she didn't see what that bastard did to you. I don't want her to >think that all guys are like that." NYANKO: So, when something happens in the past to make you never have been born, you reappear in the future with a new father? That makes *no damn sense*. MOUSE: I'm telling you, it's a testament to the great time-stream management skills of Sailor Pluto! >Serenity smiled at her husband and lightly tugged on his braid. (I wonder >who that could be....) SIREN: Oh no... he broke up Akane and Ranma, too? CROW: She'll probably end up having cheated on him with Kuno or something. >"Stop sounding like such a baka. CROW: FANGIRL JAPANESE'D! >She wouldn't get that impression seeing that you didn't do that to me." MOUSE (Ranma): ...uh, right... heh heh... Of *course* I didn't... SIREN: Actually, if my father was Ranma, I probably *would* have grown up thinking that men are jerks. >He smiled and then kissed her. > >AN: I've done it. MOUSE: Oh, so have I! SIREN: [sadly] I haven't. >I'm going to start writing the next chapter to the DBZ/SM story tonight so >it should be out soon. PLEASE REVIEW. If you don't I might not write >anymore. NYANKO: Well, that would be a real tragedy, now, wouldn't it? >Ja ne. CROW: "Fun With Dick and Ja Ne." MOUSE: See "ja ne"! See "ja ne" end the chapter. End the chapter, "ja ne", end the chapter! > }(Chapter 3: Good News) NYANKO: I do *not* think the existence of another chapter is good news. CROW: Agreed. > >Disclaimer: Don't own SM or Ranma1/2 SIREN (Silverwing): o/ ...I re-e-ent! o/ > >Silverwing: Hey everybody. Thank you so much for all the reviews. If you >haven't read my DBZ/SM fic yet then please do. GALAXIA'S VOICE: Now there's an idea... ALL: *No*. >I just updated it. Enjoy. > >Masters of Anything Goes: The News SIREN: Do you know? Do you know? Have you heard the news? > >Chapter 2 > >Usagi sighed and read over the letter that she was writing to all her >friends in Nerima. She reached in the desk drawer and took out an envelop. NYANKO: It enveloped her and she suffocated and died. The end. >She placed the letter inside and addressed it to the Tendo residence. Usagi >lifted her head at the sound of tapping CROW: "...as of some one gently rapping, rapping at her chamber door." >and saw that it was Luna outside the window. CROW: "'Tis my advisor," she muttered, "tapping at my chamber door- "Only this, and nothing more." >She walked over to the window CROW: "Whoops!" said she, "Oh, Luna, truly your forgiveness I implore; "But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping, "And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door, "That I scarce was sure I heard you"- here she opened wide the door;-" >and let her in. CROW: "Open here she flung the shutter, when, with many a hop and scuttle, "In there stepped a stately moon cat of the saintly days of yore; "Not the least obeisance made she; not a minute stopped or stayed she; "But, with mien of noble lady, perched above her chamber door- "Near a bust of Sailor Pallas just above her chamber door- "Perched, and sat, and nothing more." > >"Hey Usagi. How are you?" CROW: "Then the cat said, "Nevermore." SIREN: That was very nice, Crow! MOUSE: It's a shame that Usagi wasn't pining for her lost Mamore. >"I'm better I guess." Luna slowly walked over to the desk and looked at the >letter. SIREN (Luna): No kanji, again? >"You miss them don't you?" Usagi nodded. Luna knew all about Usagi's life >in Nerima. It was hard not to CROW: Yes, it *would* be very hard to miss something like that. [CROW coughs pointedly.] >since the fact that Usagi, her brother, mother, and sometimes her father >would wake up extremely early in the morning and would spar in the >backyard. No one knew the truth except Pluto, Luna, Queen Selenity, her >family, and herself. MOUSE: ...what about the neighbors? NYANKO: Oh, after about a week of living there, the Tsukinos didn't have any neighbors left. > >/Downstairs/ > >"They're going to be so happy. Thank you Soun. I love you too. Bye." >*click* Ikuko hung up the phone. Kenji loodke up. NYANKO: I'm suer he did. MOUSE: I think that man should be locdke up for good! >"Did he say yes?" "Of course he did. They have always wanted us to come >back." SIREN (Soun): I would just *love* to cram another four people into my already-crowded home! > >Kenji nodded. "Usagi, Shingo come here, please." Kenji yelled upstairs. >After a couple of minutes his kids came running downstairs. "Hai, tousan?" >"Your mother and I want to talk to you." They all walked in the living >room and sat down. CROW (Kenji): Kids, your mother and I think it's about time we talked to you about "the birds and the bees"... > >"Your mother and I have discussed the fact that you two don't like it here >and we have come to a decision." They Shingo and Usagi exchanged a glance >and then looked back at their parents. "We are NYANKO (Kenji): ..kicking you out of the house. After all, it's not like you're getting good grades or anything, and we don't see any reason to keep supporting you. >moving back to Nerima." At this their eyes widened. Shingo looked at his >mother. "Are we really going back?" "Of course dear. We would never joke >about something like this." They all watched as Usagi stood and begin to >jump around the room. MOUSE (Ikuko): Hahah! No, actually, we *were* just kidding. But we had you going for a moment there, didn't we? > >"Yes. We're going home. Yes." She ran t oher parents and squeezed them into >a big hug. "Thank you kaasan, tousan." She ran over to Shingo and they >began to discuss old times. NYANKO (Shingo): Remember that time we got drunk and destroyed the school? > >"Remember Kasumi's cooking?" MOUSE (Shingo): Yeah, it tried to eat me once. ...Oh wait, I'm thinking of Akane's cooking. >"Yeah. Remember how Nabiki use to try to charge people for everything." CROW: Saying that Nabiki "tried" to charge people for everything implies that she *failed* to charge people for some things. NYANKO: She was younger. Probably not as skilled. >Usagi nodded. "I can't wait to go back and see them all again." [CROW sighs.] SIREN: What is it, Crow-san? CROW: I'm not sure this author has a good grasp of Tokyo geography. Minato-ku, the ward where Juuban is located, isn't that terribly far away from Nerima-ku. They're certainly within visiting distance. > >Ikuko and Kenji watched their children as they happily talked about going >back home and they smiled. "How about I make a pie to celebrate." SIREN (Kenji): Oh, Ikuko! You're such a party animal! >Kenji smiled and nodded while Shingo and Usagi gave each other high fives. > >/an hour later/ NYANKO: Woah! Those were some loooong high-fives! > >Usagi ran upstairs to tell Luna the good news. Once she got in her room she >ran over to the bed. MOUSE: Once she got to her bed she looked for Luna. Once she saw Luna she started to speak. >"Luna guess what." "What?" "Kaasan and tousan said that we're moving back >home. Isn't that great." "I'm happy for Usagi, but what about negeverse." CROW (Usagi): What the hell is a "negeverse"? MOUSE (Luna): It's, well... a universe where everything is negetive. >"The outers will be here SIREN: But the Inner Senshi won't? NYANKO: I guess the implication is that she's going to murder all the Inner Senshi before she leaves. >and if they really need me they can call. Since we're moving I'm going to >be my real self from now on." SIREN: Umm... I don't understand. Why couldn't she be her "real self" in Juuban? CROW: [tired] Apparently, because as a Martial Artist, she wouldn't have fit in. SIREN: Umm... she couldn't even have told her friends, the reincarnated magical heroines...? CROW: APPARENTLY NOT. > >"Okay Usagi-chan. When are you moving?" "In three days. Luna I'm sorry, but >you-." Usagi frowns. She looks at Luna. NYANKO (Usagi): Luna, do you... have fleas? >"Negavibes?" CROW: AAAAAAAARRRRRGH! SIREN: There, there... CROW: But... "Nega... vibes..." >Luna nodded. She watched as Usagi stood up and took out her white gi. "You >aren't going to fight as yourself are you?" NYANKO (Usagi): Nah, I think I'm going to fight as Nightmare. It's the big Soul Calibur tournament, so I'll hold nothing back! >"Usagi nodded. "Don't worry. I'll be okay. Go on without me Luna. I'll >catch up. I'm only going to fight if they really need me anyway." CROW: [ominously] Usagi Tsukino: SECRET WEAPON. > >Usagi watched as Luna jumped put the window. She changes into her white gi. >(AN: Just like Goku's, but where it's red it's white and where it's blue >it's black. She has black boots too.) CROW (Usagi): Well, looks like a horrible monster is attacking the Earth. Better change into my gi before I go, and maybe put on some boots... I'm in no hurry. MOUSE: Martial arts boots? >Usagi walks to the window then jumps out. Running on the roof tops, >she heads to the fight. SIREN: o/ Up on the rooftops, danger looms o/ o/ There goes an angry Sailor Moon! o/ o/ Beat down the youma with martial arts o/ o/ Nerimans don't fit in around these parts! o/ NYANKO: Ho ho ho. This fanfic blows. > >Usagi looked at the scene around her and she frowned at what she saw. they said they didn't need me. They can't do anything without me.> MOUSE: Well... maybe they're just *toying* with the youma! Did you ever think of that, Usagi? >She watches as Venus is thrown into a wall. NYANKO (Generic Youma): Take *that*, wall! And *that*! Bwahahaha! >Mercury is down. MOUSE: ...with her homies. >Jupitar, [ALL blink.] SIREN: Jupitar? >Mars, And Tuxedo Mask are beat up pretty bad and they don't look like they >can last much longer. She >jumps off the roof and lands behind the youma. CROW: Attack of the Generic Youma 2: This Time, It's Impersonal. >Everyone turns and stares at her. > >Jupitar's eyes widen when she sees what Usagi is wearing. MOUSE (Jupitar): Oh my god, Usagi, what happened to your fashion sense? >"What the heck are you doing. You're going to get your self killed." SIREN: Good! Many people say that the death of the self is the first step towards true enlightenment! >Usagi looks at her and smirks. "Why don't you worry about yourself." Then >she launches herself at the youma with powerful kicks and punches. SIREN: o/ Everybody was kung-fu fighting! o/ MOUSE: Huh! Whoo-ha! >The youma tries to dodge and block them, but it doesn't do much. The youma >jumps backwards landing a couple of feet away from Usagi. NYANKO: So... still within arm's reach of Usagi, then? CROW: I think when this author says "a couple of feet away," she actually means quite a bit further. SIREN: Maybe she just has really big feet? >The scouts stare at Usagi with shock written on all of their faces. SIREN: Oh, that mischievous Skuld! >Amy looks at the youma. MOUSE: What happened to Mercury? CROW: What happened to *Ami*? >"Usagi, how did you move so fast with out transforming?" "If you really >knew me then you would know, wouldn't you?" Amy looks down in shame. NYANKO: Wow, did Usagi just make Ami feel guilty for Usagi's own deception? That's some *smooth* guilt-tripping. > >Usaig looks back at the youma with a smirk. CROW (Usaig): My name is misspelled, and I'm gonna take it out on *you*. >"It's time to dust you." MOUSE: She pulled out her feather duster and went about her brutal work... >The youma glares at her. "I'm not afraid of a stupid human. Your stupid >Sailor Senshi couldn't defeat me, SIREN (Generic Youma): ...and neither can these Sailor Scouts! >what makes you think that you, a pathetic human can?" NYANKO (Usagi): Hey! I thought we humans were stupid, not pathetic! Make up your mind! >"I'm not really human." MOUSE (Usagi): Why are you smiling? CROW (Generic Youma): I know something you don't know. MOUSE (Usagi): And what is that? CROW (Generic Youma): I'm not really a youma. >Usagi raises her hand in the air. SIREN (Usagi): Moon Eternal... Make Up! NYANKO: Hah hah, of course not, Siren. That would make too much *sense*. >"SHI SHI HAKODAN" NYANKO: Huh... not quite a Shi Shi Hokodan, not quite a Hadoken... what is that? CROW: Man, this is so wrong. The Tendo School of Anything Goes Martial Arts doesn't teach ki blasts, not even ones based on depression. And you don't raise your hand in the air when doing the Shi Shi Hokodan. >Everybody watches as the ki blast speeds toward the youma and listen as it >screams MOUSE (Generic Youma): DEPRESSING! >before it turns to dust. CROW: I just realized something. Usagi just threw a powerful ball of pure life energy at a *youma*. And it destroyed it. Does ANYONE see something wrong with this? [The OTHERS shrug.] NYANKO: See, your problem is that you think of ki as life energy. I'm just thinking of it as concentrated author-avatar energy. CROW: Hmm. Maybe that *is* the best perspective to take. >"Never underestimate your enemy." Usagi whispers in a low voice SIREN: Aww, Usagi... how are you going to give the moral of the fanfic if nobody can hear you? NYANKO: Sailor Moon Says... [low voice] never underestimate your opponent, or you'll end up like this Generic Youma. Remember, kids: always shoot to kill, and give no quarter. If they die too easy, it's their own fault for messing with the wrong person. >and turns toward the senshi. > >Usagi looks at Mercury's ankle and sees that it's twisted. "You guys should >get to a hospital." Mars glared at her. "We didn't ask for your help." >"Well you obviously needed it because all of your kis are extremely weak." CROW: With this level of arrogance, I think she's more suited to the Mouko Takabisha than the Shi Shi Hokodan. >She turns her head to Luna. "I'll see you later." MOUSE (Usagi): ...baby. My room, tonight. >With that she jumps on the rooftop of a nearby building and heads home. > >Venus turns to Luna. "How can she do all that when she's not transformed?" CROW (Luna): Minako-chan, you roof-hopped untransformed back in episode 78. MOUSE: Hahahah! You're right! Well, you know me, always ditzing out on stuff like that! >Luna looks at all the scouts and sees that they all want to know. MOUSE (Luna): It's because, like she claimed, Usagi isn't human... she's actually a WERE-RABBIT! SIREN: Please, Mouse. I believe the proper term is "lagothrope." >"Everybody in Usagi's family are skilled martial artists including Usagi >herself. SIREN (Luna): It's just that they decided to never show it until today. NYANKO: But they've run into monsters *several* times and they never busted any of this stuff out. Doesn't Anything Goes teach that it's a martial artist's sworn duty to fight demons? SIREN: Umm... the Tsukinos follow the reform school of Anything Goes Martial Arts. >If you talked to her you would already know this, and you would know that >the Usagi that everybody in Juuban knows isn't real. NYANKO (Luna): The truth is, she's ALL IN YOUR HEAD. CROW (Usagi): I want you to hit me as hard as you can! >Usagi isn't really like that. MOUSE: Then she's actually an incredible actor! I'm not even joking! SIREN: She has *my* Emmy nomination! >If you were her true friends then maybe she would have told you the real >reason she's always tired is because she wakes up at 5:00 in the morning to >spar with her brother every day, but you're not her friends so you wouldn't >know that would you?" CROW: I'm starting to really hate this author. If Usagi didn't *tell* the other Inner Senshi, and didn't exhibit *any* sign of fighting skill in one hundred and seventy-two *freaking* episodes and three movies, how *exactly* were they supposed to find out? NYANKO: It's obvious, Crow. *Real* friends would spy on each other's houses at five in the morning. >Luna turns around and begins to walk away. "Luna, wait what are you >talking about? They are friends aren't they." Luna turns around to see >Artemis. NYANKO: Way to hide until the battle is over, Artemis. >"You don't know?" He shakes his head no. Luna tells him what happened. > >Artemis glared at Minako. "Why didn't you tell me? Is it because you're >ashamed because you sure as hell should be." MOUSE (Minako): Fine, you want me to tell you tell you the truth about these things? Then why don't I tell you *all* about Luna's secret, long-running affair with Rhett Butler... >Jupitar, Venus, and Mercury look down. NYANKO: ...but Jupiter got tired of all this snootiness and fired a Supreme Thunder at the cats. CROW: Wouldn't "Jupitar" use "Supreme Thundar"? >Luna glares at Tuxedo Mask. "I hope you're happy." MOUSE (Tuxedo Mask): Well, I've caused severe fighting and disunity to break out among previously extremely close friends... but on the upside, I am having sex with Rei. So yeah, I'm feeling pretty happy here! >Luna turns her glare to Mars and then walks away with Artemis. > >/At the temple later/ > >(It's like 10:00) SIREN: Very much like it, in fact! >The inners sit around the table. Rei looks at everybody. "Usagi is evil and >we have to get rid of her before she makes everything worse." SIREN: Umm... "everything" being what, exactly? NYANKO: [Gesturing vaguely] You know. Everything. MOUSE: Before she makes the fanfic worse, I guess. NYANKO: Well, it's too late for *that*. >The others stare at her in shock. "Rei, what are you talking about?" "I'm >saying, that Usagi is our enemy. We have to get rid of our enemies because >they try to disturb the peace on Earth." CROW: Huh. Is it just me, or does that causal relationship seem a little bit screwy? >Mamoru Looks Rei in the eyes. MOUSE: Oh. My. Galaxia. NYANKO: Uh, what? MOUSE: That's our new band name. Forget "Ash's Pikachu." We should *totally* be called "Mamoru Looks Rei." ALL: ... MOUSE: Man, don't you guys see the *awesomeness*? And then when we're playing somewhere, the fliers will be all like, "Mamoru Looks Rei... in the convention center!" CROW: Mouse, no! Just... no! MOUSE: But I... CROW: No! >"Are you saying that we have to kill Usagi?" She nodded. NYANKO (Mamoru): Oh, okay. I just wanted to make sure. > >Makato, SIREN: Ma... kato? NYANKO: Great, it's Makato: Sailor Jupitar. >Minako, and Ami stare at her. "Rei, your crazy. Usagi isn't our enemy. >She's just mad because of what we did and she has every fight to be. SIREN: Indeed, she will probably be angry at every fight! >We were her best friends and we betrayed her. Usagi isn't evil. She's to >pure hearted for that." [ALL burst out laughing.] >Ami stated and the other two nodded their heads yes. Rei glared at Ami. >"She had a pure heart at one time, but she doesn't have one anymore. MOUSE (Ami): How do you know? NYANKO (Rei): Well, I had some salvaged Death Buster guns squirreled away... so I shot her and checked. >Did you see that aura today in the park. It was evil. Look at all that >stuff she can just do suddenly without transforming. She joined the side of >evil. CROW: Well, of course she has. I mean, even setting aside the sudden aggressiveness and previously-undisplayed magical powers, she out-and-out said that she wasn't human. She's obviously been possessed. MOUSE: Nah, it's not *that* certain yet. I'd wait until her head starts spinning. >I'm the leader and I'm telling you she is." SIREN: How can they argue with that? > >Minako glared at Rei. "Listen Rei, I don't care if you use your stupid ESP >on Usagi. SHE IS NOT EVIL. MOUSE: Nope, this is clearly a case of Good versus Neutral! >I don't have to listen to you because you are not even the real leader. I'm >the one that suppose to be the leader when Usagi is gone and I say we are >not attacking her." Minako yelled. NYANKO (Rei): Okay, fine. How about this: we flip a coin. Heads we kill Usagi, tails we don't. SIREN (Minako): Well... that *does* sound fair... >"I'm sorry you feel that way Minako. I guess the rest of us will defeat her >wit CROW: Heh. That's not too hard. >out you. Right?" She looks at the others. Makato stands up and walks next >to Minako. "No, Rei. Usagi isn't evil, SIREN (Makoto): ...she's just misunderstood! >and I feel bad enough for lying to her. I refuse to attack her." "Same goes >for me. Usagi was my friend and I will never attack her." NYANKO (Rei): Hey, she was *my* friend too, but I'm not letting it get in the way of my bloodlust. >Ami said as she stood up. Rei stares in shock as she watches them leave. >She turns to Mamour. SIREN (Audrey II): o/ Feed me, Mamour! o/ o/ Feed me all night long! o/ >He looks at her with sad eyes. "I can't attack her Rei. I know in my heart >she's not evil and that I still love her. I'm sorry." CROW (Mamoru): What I mean to say is, I think that something's changed about our relationship. And by that, I mean that you aren't giving me enough sex. >He kisses her cheek and leaves. Rei sinks to the ground. "They all left me. MOUSE (Rei): Not just Mamoru, but *all* of my numerous sexy beaus! >Everyone always likes Usagi best no mater what I do." SIREN (Rei): Maybe... maybe if I throw a party? > > > > >An: How was it? CROW: Let's put it this way... I have yet to see *any* similarities between the Tsukino Usagi in your fanfic and the Tsukino Usagi in Sailor Moon, other than their names. SIREN: But Crow-san, isn't that what fanfiction is all about? Exploring possibilities and putting one's own spin on the original work? [CROW grimaces.] >I know it took a long time, I'm sorry. You have to review or there won't be >anymore. NYANKO: I think the Nerima-crew beating was a lot more threatening. > > }(Chapter 4: Telling Everyone) MOUSE: Oh? Is she coming out of the closet? > >Silverwing: Hey everybody. I know I haven't updated in a while, but I >couldn't figure what to do with this chapter. I had major writer's block. I >don't have as much time to write either. SIREN (Silverwing): So instead, I just gave the keyboard to a monkey and posted whatever he came up with. > > >The Masters of Anything Goes: Telling Everyone NYANKO (Usagi): Hey, everyone! I'm actually a Master of Anything Goes! ...Just so you know! > >/Monday morning/ > >Usagi slowly walked to school with Luna and Artemis walking next to her. >She had out of bed when her mother had first woke her up and she was still >a little tired. She looked up at the sound of running footsteps to see Naru >running towards her. > >"Hey Usagi-chan. You're early. Hey what's wrong?" Naru noticed. "Nothing >Naru. MOUSE (Naru): Hey, that's Naru-CHAN to you. >I just never woke up and stayed up." Naru nodded. "Hey look it's Minako, >Makato, and Ami. Hey you guys over here." The scouts looked at Naru and >smiled. When the saw Usagi walking next to her they hurriedly walked away. NYANKO: Usagi: she makes schoolgirls and small children cry. >Naru frowned. "I wonder what's buggin them." CROW: Your English slang. MOUSE (Naru): I wonder why they don't want to hang with us. We usually kick it back all the time! They're totally trippin'. SIREN: Word! > >Usagi looked up and glared at the senshi when she saw them and watched as >they left. "Don't worry about it Naru. I've got something to tell you, but >I'll tell you later." Naru nodded and went to her seat. NAYNKO: ...Did she just switch the scene from the street to the classroom? CROW: Unless Naru-chan has a seat on the sidewalk, it looks that way. I wonder where Luna and Artemis went. SIREN: And Diana! >Usagi sat down as soon as the bell rung. Miss Haruna (Don't know if that's >how you spell it, but oh well.) walked into the room. CROW: ...But... Usagi is in high school now, so Haruna-sensei isn't her teacher anymore! And Naru-chan isn't in her class, either! SIREN: Maybe Usagi got held back a year? MOUSE: I could believe that. But Naru-chan? NYANKO: It must be an evil plot by the Generic Youma. I think Usagi should kill her, just to be safe. MOUSE: Who, Haruna-sensei or Naru-chan? NYANKO: Both. >She began to take attendance. "Usagi." "Here" Miss Haruna stares at Usagi >with wide eyes. "You're on time." Everyone in the room gasps. MOUSE (Flying Pig): Hey, you didn't pay that much attention to *me*! >Usagi stares at them. "Stop looking at me like that. Can't a girl change >once and a while?" CROW: If it's done in a believable way, yes, you can change. Otherwise, NO YOU MAY NOT. >Miss Haruna faints and everybody stares. A boy stands up. "Umm...I guess >class in dismissed." Everybody cheers and runs out of the room. SIREN: Umm... don't they have other classes? In the same room? > >As the kids run out of the room Usagi hears someone yell. "You should've >started coming to school early a long time ago, Usagi" NYANKO (Student): Or, hey, even better... we should just knock out our teachers every day and leave! It's foolproof! >Usagi frowns. She didn't get up early to get out of class. She did it to >show people her true self. MOUSE: She needed to get there early to set up her "True Self" multimedia slideshow presentation. >She turned to Naru and Gurio. NYANKO: Gurio? That's that Umino guy, right? CROW: Yeah. The author must have gotten her Japanese names from online... otherwise she would know that everybody calls him Umino. >"Come on guys lets go to the park." They walk to the park and Usagi tells >them what happened. MOUSE (Usagi): ...and then I beat him up, see, and we left, but then Chibiusa disappeared because she would never be born, and then I didn't see them again until they were being attacked by this youma, and I killed it with my l33t martial arts skillz because they were all pathetic, and... SIREN (Umino): Okay, Usagi-chan... now why don't we go somewhere with some nice, soft walls? >"How could they do that?" "Yeah I thought they were your best friends." "I >thought so too, but I guess I was wrong. You guys I have something else to >tell you. I'm...moving." "What? Where?" They both said in unison. ALL: Who? When? Why? >"I'm moving back to Nerima. That's where I came from." > >Naru looked down. She was sad that her friend was leaving, but she was >happy that her friend would be happy when she moved. "Oh. When are you >leaving?" "In a couple of days." > >Gurio grew sad. Usagi was his first real crush and if it wasn't for her >he wouldn't be with Naru. NYANKO: Yeah, because Naru would be dead about twenty times over. SIREN: Poor Naru-chan, always getting attacked and stuff! CROW: Hmmph. Naru's bad luck is completely exaggerated. By my count, she only gets energy drained or assaulted by a supernatural entity in about *half* her appearances in the anime. SIREN: Gee, is that all? CROW: ...Well, maybe 55%. >He looked at Usagi with a sad smile. "I hope your happy at your new home, >Usagi." Naru nodded in agreement. Usagi smiled. "Thanks you guys. I promise >that when I move I'm going to write you as much as I can. MOUSE (Usagi): ...though since I can't really write, I guess I won't be keeping in touch after all. >Hey, since we don't have classes why don't we go to the crown?" > >Gurio shook his head. "No Usagi. Video games are bad for the brain SIREN (Usagi): Are you kidding? "Sailor V" made me what I am today! NYANKO (Umino): Point made. >and I can't risk losing brain cells trying to kill a monster that will >never exist. NYANKO: Hey, how does *he* know that those monsters will never exist? I mean, playing a game like "House of the Dead" could teach him skills that would be very valuable in the event of a zombie apocalypse! CROW: He must be too busy killing monsters that *do* exist. SIREN: Yeah! Obviously, he's secretly a super-powered martial artist, and his geekiness is all just an act! >I will not let you do it either." MOUSE (Umino): I am holier than thou, violent peon! >Usagi rolled her eyes at him. "I wasn't talking about the arcade baka, I >was talking about the parlor." Gurio blushed. "Oh." > >Naru giggled at Gurio. It was one of the few times he was wrong and she >found it hilarious. CROW: Hey, he was wrong about shrimp being an effective weapon against youma... >She turned to Usagi. "Okay Usagi, but I'll meet you there, I want to go >talk to my mother about what happened in school. I don't want her thinking >I deliberately cut or anything." SIREN: But she *did* deliberately cut! When the teacher fell unconcious, she quite deliberately left the building. >Usagi nodded. > >"Sorry Usagi, but I'm not going to go. I'm going to go back to school, >maybe I can learn something new." Naru and Usagi sweatdropped. "Gurio, it >won't hurt for you to miss one day of school. It's not like you don't >already know the stuff we were going to learn." NYANKO (Usagi): After all, you were held back a year, just like us! > >Gurio scowled. "At least I know what I'm going when it comes to school." MOUSE: Gee, Umino, what *are* you going? SIREN: He's going bananas! >Usagi smiled and gave him a raspberry. SIREN: Or, um, he's going raspberries? >She waved to them. NYANKO (Usagi): "Shi Shi Hakodan!" CROW: The kind, gentle thing to do. Put them out of the misery of being in this fanfic. SIREN: We'll call her Sailor Kavorkian! >"I'll see you guys later." They waved back, and went there separate ways. > >************************************* > >Usagi sighed as she walked into the parlor. She smiled a small smile as she >saw Motoki. She walked over to him. "Hi Motoki." Hey Usagi, why aren't you >in school?" "Something happened with the teacher so we left." NYANKO: Boy, are they ever going to be embarrassed when it turns out Haruna- sensei had a heart attack but everyone went home instead of calling for help, resulting in her untimely death. SIREN: *I'd* certainly be a little bit red in the face! >He smiled. "Hey did you see Mamoru today?" Usagi's eyes hardened at the >thought of Mamo-baka. "No, I didn't. Why?" She said through gritted teeth. >"Because he was all beat up. Someone really kicked his ass good. I didn't >have time to find out who though." SIREN: Ah, what a sad world we live in, when a man can see his best friend limping down the street, horribly beaten up, and won't stop to help him because it would make him late to his part-time job. MOUSE: That is a little bit... uh... weird. > >Usagi smirked at this. "Do you want to know who did it Motoki?" He nodded. >Usagi leaned towards him and whispered in his ear. "It was me." Motoki >stared at Usagi in disbelief. "No you didn't." Usagi nodded. "Yes I did." >Motoki stared at Usagi. CROW: Then he called the police and had her arrested for assault and battery. >"Why?" She told him the story. > >Motoki grew angry towards Mamoru. He was suppose to be his best friend, but MOUSE: ...the author didn't think that best friends would try to hear both sides of an issue before making judgment. CROW: ...ESPECIALLY not when the person telling them about the situation is a vengeful ex-girlfriend who admitted to beating said best friend into a pulp. >Usagi was like his family NYANKO: ...an annoying adolescent teenage girl. MOUSE: Yep, that sounds like Unazuki, all right! >and he would never forgive Mamoru for what he did. SIREN (Motoki): For breaking the heart of a young girl, I will not forgive you! In the name of the rabbit of the moon, I will punish you! >He didn't even want to think about the others. MOUSE: Or about purple elephants! He *really* didn't want to think about purple elephants! >What they did was just wrong. SIREN: What exactly did they do again? CROW: They didn't tell Usagi about Rei and Mamoru's affair. SIREN: And Motoki thinks that that's a worse crime than participating in the affair yourself? CROW: Apparently. SIREN: Okay... > >Usagi turned towards the door as she felt the ki's of Minako, Makato, and >Ami enter the parlor. NYANKO: She didn't have time to dodge, and was utterly obliterated by the triple ki-blast... CROW (Ami): You would have *known* we could do that if you were *really* our friend! Ha! Ha! Ha! >She watched as they sat down. She saw Minako slowly get up and walk \ >towards her. "What Minako?" MOUSE (Minako): This Minako, of course. Do you know any other Minakos? > >"U-U-Usagi can we talk to you?" Usagi frowned, but nodded. They walked over >to the table and sat down. Ami spoke first. "Usagi, we are ssssoooo sorry. NYANKO (Usagi): "Ssssoooo"? Nope, you're not sorry enough. Get up to seven of each letter and we'll talk. >We didn't tell you because we didn't want to get caught in the middle of >the whole thing. We wanted to tell you, but we didn't know how to without >losing one of you." CROW: Now that I think about it, the fact that Minako didn't try to meddle in this little affair may be the single most out-of-character thing in this fanfic. > >Usagi let everything Ami said sink in. In a weird way she understood what >she was talking about. SIREN: That weird way in which you understand it is called "empathy," Usagi. Most people have some! >She sighed. 'Usagi, you are to pure hearted for your own good.' MOUSE: And she's modest, to boot! >"I guess I understand. I'm still upset. Give me a little time." > >************************************ > >Silverwing: I finally got this chapter out. NYANKO: Wow, I didn't know you actually could have constipation for crappy fanfics. SIREN: Well, now you do! >I'm sorry but I had writers block. Man, I had to force myself to write >this, but that's because I had no idea how what to do before they went to >Nerima, but don't worry it won't take as long next time because I have an >idea. NYANKO: Gee. It's inspiring that she didn't let little obstacles like "not having an idea" stop her from writing. CROW: [shrugging] On fanfiction.net, ideas are anything but mandatory. >Please review. Sorry you guys. Ja. > > }(Chapter 5: Usagi's Meeting) > >Silverwing: Wuz poppin. ALL: ... CROW: Our brains. MOUSE: Hey, what's wrong with her slang? I think it's phat! >I've added a chapter to everyone of my fics. I'm so happy school is over. >No more finals or projects or just hearing stupid teachers talking about >things you don't care about. CROW (Silverwing): ...like how to write good fiction. >Anyway here is the next chapter. Enjoy the fic. > >Disclaimer: I don't own either anime so don't bug me. SIREN: In fact, she's extra safe! Not only does she not own Ranma 1/2, she's never even seen any of it! CROW: I'm not convinced she's ever seen any Sailor Moon, either. > >******************************************** > >Makato looked over at Usagi. "So we're cool?" NYANKO (Usagi): No, *I'm* cool. You still suck. >Usagi nodded and the others gave a sigh of relief. > >"I want you guys to meet me in the park at 9:00 tonight. I'm calling a >scout meeting. Tell that bitch Raye and Mamo-baka. CROW: I still don't understand how this author can use dub-spellings and "Mamo-baka" in the same sentence without feeling shame. SIREN: Maybe she *does* feel shame, Crow. Deep inside. In the middle of the night. When all the ghosts of her past come back to haunt her dreams. CROW: Uh... right. >The outers will be there too so you guys might want to watch your back. >Understand?" NYANKO (Usagi): Remember, if you see a wild Outer Senshi, back away slowly and don't make eye contact... it will only provoke them. >The three nodded. "I'll see you guys later." > >Usagi walks over to the door. Then looks back. "Bye Motoki." He waved back >and then she left. MOUSE: Wait a minute, was Motoki standing there that whole time? Even during the talk about "scout meetings" and "outers"? CROW: It's okay. Good bartenders don't talk about their patrons' secrets. > >******************************************* > >Rei sat on the steps to the temple. They deserted her, all of them just >like they had done to Usagi. SIREN: Wow! They all had secret affairs with Mamoru, too? MOUSE: Hey, who wouldn't? >It hurt. > >Rei shook her head. What was wrong with her? She had really liked Usagi >before ChibiUsa had come. She had just picked on Usagi to toughen her up. NYANKO (Rei): The traps, the beatings, the breaking of kneecaps... it was all for her own good! She would have thanked me in the end! >The truth was she had never stopped having feelings for Mamoru after they >found out that he was the prince, she couldn't. She couldn't just drop her >feelings like that. CROW: Oh, come on. She was fourteen years old. It was a schoolgirl's crush on a handsome guy. She couldn't get over that? MOUSE: Yeah, she didn't exactly fall for his charming personality. >She had always felt jealous towards Usagi for the way she was, caring, >always happy. It made her jealous that she couldn't be like that, but she >had been happy with Usagi as her friend. Rei had been hurt when she found >about Usagi and Mamoru, but she told herself she could deal with, but the >appearance of ChibiUsa had ruined it. MOUSE (Rei): *That's* their future daughter? It's practically my *duty* to seduce him before they can conceive! > >When they found out that ChibiUsa was the child of Mamoru and Usagi she had >began thinking how she should have been queen of Earth and how she should >of been the mother of ChibiUsa CROW: ...she thanked God that she had avoided that fate. >and she should of been Mamoru's wife. (EEWWW why would anyone want to be >Mamo-bakas wife? MOUSE: Yeah, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? NYANKO: ... >That's just nasty. Sorry. Continue.) That's why she did what she did. > >She sighed. She had hurt Usagi all because of her selfishness. Why couldn't >she be like Usagi? To be unselfish no matter what happens. SIREN: Umm... are we talking about the same Usagi that's in this fanfic? > >She reached in her pocket when she heard the beeping of her communicator. >"Rei here." She said looking at the face of Amy. CROW (Rei): Amy, what are you doing? I thought I told you only to call me at night! If anyone found out I was communicating with dub characters... > >"Rei, meet us in the park at 9:00 tonight. We're having an emergency >meeting." SIREN (Ami): Nobody ever goes to the park, so clearly it's the best place to talk about Senshi business! >"Alright." "Call Mamoru, okay?" "Sure." "Bye." > >Rei sighed again and contacted Mamoru. > >******************************************* > >/The Park and 9:00/ MOUSE: Wow! Both at once? > >The inners stood by the lake waiting for everyone else. > >Makato whipped her head around as she saw the outers walking up with the >two cat guardians and their princess. NYANKO: Ha! Foolish humans! *Bow* before the princess of the cat guardians! > >The outers glared at the inners, but they stopped when they caught the look >that Usagi was giving them. MOUSE: ...then the Inners shot a glance to the side, but saw that Luna was fixing her gaze in their direction... SIREN: This is like a game of look-and-glare dodgeball! >Usagi stepped forward. "All of you sit down, this is going to take a long >time." She said in a demanding voice. They all did as she asked MOUSE: "Did as she ordered," really... > >"I never told anyone this because my mother told me not to, SIREN: Her mother also told her to brush her teeth or she would get cavities, and did she listen to that? >but the truth is I was born in Nerima. CROW: Uh... most of the martial artists in Ranma 1/2 weren't. Since when did Nerima become this martial arts homeland? MOUSE: Maybe it was a United Nations mandate? SIREN: It's good that the martial artists have their own country. Maybe now they can finally be free from all that anti-martial-arts-itism. >My uncle and my mother are the children of a great martial artist. They >both lived and ran the dojo that was passed down to them. NYANKO: I thought that Happosai founded Anything Goes Martial Arts, and taught it to Gendo and Soun. CROW: Yeah, that's what they *want* you to think. >My uncle had three children their names are Kasumi, Nabiki, and Akane. When >I turned 4 my mother took me to meet another dojo that their friend ran. SIREN (Ikuko): Usagi, this is the Saotome Dojo. Saotome Dojo, this is Usagi. >His name was Genma Saotome. (I forgot how to spell it so I guessed.) MOUSE: Her keen, name-spelling instincts are completely correct! CROW: Heh. Tell that to Makato. > >"He had a son named Ranma, he is the same age as me. After we got there we >went on a training trip. NYANKO (Genma): Great! Now that our pack mule is here, we can finally leave. >It was hard work to. Ranma's father was training him to become one of the >greatest martial artists, a man among men. I was there to learn so that if >I inherited the dojo I would know a lot about martial arts. I trained with >them, but my mother didn't want me to do everything Ranma did and I'm glad >she didn't, NYANKO (Usagi): If I had gone through all the training Ranma did, I might have ended up with a sense of honor, like him! And then I wouldn't be able to beat up defenseless people! And lord knows I want to be able to hit Mamoru even though he can't possibly fight back on my level. >but I always felt bad for Ranma. His father could be very mean at times and >he never seemed to think of his son's welfare." MOUSE: Now that I think about it, I'm surprised that Usagi came out of this training trip without Genma engaging her to anybody. NYANKO: Who said he didn't? > >"Ranma and I became best friends along this trip and we still are. Ranma >had told me along time ago that he was going to master The Art of Anything >Goes Martial Arts CROW: ..."The Art of Anything Goes Martial Arts"? SIREN: At least it's not the *Martial* Art of Anything Goes Martial Arts... >and I believe he can do it." > >" After my mom and I came back to Japan I tried to keep in touch with him, >but it was hard seeing that he was traveling all over the place. After that >my dad got offered a job here in Juuban and we moved here when he excepted >it. CROW (Usagi): Normally he wouldn't have taken a job like that, but in this case he made an acception. >I was only 10 yrs. old MOUSE: So wait, she only trained with Ranma and Genma for about six years? Then how can she perform these ki-techniques that even they don't know? SIREN: Like Ryouga, she must have met the happy construction-worker man! >and I wasn't happy seeing that it meant leaving my friends, family, CROW: Man, who are these vaguely-defined "friends" that she keeps mentioning? SIREN: You know, her really close friends! Like Betty the Human Skeleton! >and the constant workout of fighting in Nerima behind." MOUSE (Usagi): In Nerima, for instance, they didn't just *give* you lunch at school! No, you had to challenge the lunch-lady to a duel before she'd serve you! And then you had to challenge the food before it would allow you to eat it! > >"No matter how many friends I seemed to make I didn't like it here. I acted >the way I did because my mother told me to. NYANKO (Ikuko): Usagi, now act like a dog. SIREN (Usagi): Woof woof! NYANKO (Ikuko): Heh heh. Parental authority kicks *ass*. >She said that the people wouldn't be use to a person who is constantly >fighting for no real reason, so I had to change my image. MOUSE: [ominously] Martial Artists. They live among us in secret, infiltrating respectable society. They could be your neighbor... your co- worker... or even your BEST FRIEND. >I made everyone else think that I was some klutzy ditz that would let >people walk all over her, but I'm not. NYANKO: Man. Usagi apparently has these infallible acting skills, and presumably could have changed her image to whatever she wanted, and she chose to act like a *klutzy ditz* for, like, five years? What is *wrong* with her? SIREN: These method actors pride themselves on their ability to take on difficult roles! >I may have a pure heart and I may be unselfish, MOUSE (Usagi): ...but then again, I may not! >but I have a limit and if you cross it then you'll pay for it." SIREN (Usagi): Oh, I'm just too pure-hearted for my own good! > >"I always kept up with my skills. NYANKO (Usagi): My mad, l337 skillz. Ph34r my mad 5|Being an artist of Anything Goes Martial Arts was never easy, SIREN: An artist of Anything Goes Martial Arts practices the Art of Anything Goes Martial Arts! CROW: Yeah, I think we got that. >so I made sure to keep the skills I had and to get new ones. SIREN (Usagi): In particular, I trained in Martial Arts Crying, Martial Arts Clumsiness, Martial Arts Video Games, and Martial Arts Acting Irrationally. >I always wake up at 5:00 in the morning to spar with Shingo, but ever since >I moved here I use to always go back to sleep after. Now that I'm moving >back to Nerima I am going to get back into my old habits." CROW (Usagi): Trust me, if you lived in Nerima, you would use drugs too. > >The scouts stared at her wide eyed. "You're moving?" They all said. She >nodded. MOUSE: They cheered. > >Hotaru frowned. "Usagi-chan, you can't leave. I'll be losing my second best >friend." NYANKO (Hotaru): ...right after my glaive. >Usagi gave her a sad smile. "Don't worry Hota-chan, CROW: Sheesh. Is "Hotaru-chan" really too long for you to say, Usagi? MOUSE: Pretty soon Usagi will be shortening it to just "Ho-chan." And then she'll probably just start calling her "Ho". >I know it's not the same, but you can always write me and you can come over >anytime you want." CROW: Oh, but Nerima is such a faraway, mystical place! > >The outers and the inners were upset they were losing someone else they >cared about. SIREN (Inners and Outers): Awww... Luna is probably going to go with you! > >Mamoru walked up to Usagi. "Usako, I-" "Don't call me that." "Usak- >Usagi, I'm sorry. I know I was being selfish and not thinking of you and >Chibi-Usa, but I couldn't help it. Usagi please go back-" NYANKO (Mamoru): ...to the Hell you came from! > >Everyone stared at him in disgust. He was about to beg her to come back to >him. > >"Mamoru you may be the prince of earth, but CROW (Usagi): ...you're going to have a damn hard time proving it to the current leaders of the world! >the only reason I haven't really done anything to you was because I just >don't think you are worth my time. NYANKO (Usagi): I mean, I could be in Nerima beating up Kuno right now! SIREN: I'm glad she has something productive to do with her life. >Don't try to get me back because you just look pathetic and it makes me >sick to see a man beg like that. Have some pride for god's sake. Suck it up >and move on." CROW: Heh. I understand now why she ends up with Ranma. MOUSE: Yeah, Usagi will *never* have to worry about Ranma admitting he was wrong! >She turned and began to walk away. She stopped and looked over her >shoulder. NYANKO (Usagi): By the way... did you all notice how REALLY COOL I am now? > >"If you guys find yourselves in real trouble call me and I'll come help you >guys out, see you later." SIREN: o/ When there's something strange o/ o/ in the neighborhood o/ o/ Who you gonna call? o/ ALL: o/ U-SAGI! o/ > >************************************************* > >Silverwing: I know it was short, but I didn't know how to continue this >chapter. MOUSE: I thought she said before that the hard part was thinking up what to do *until* they got to Nerima. Isn't Usagi all set to go to Nerima now? CROW (Silverwing): I'm not sure how they should get there! Bus, plane, car... just how far away is Nerima, anyway? >Sorry. I thought since school was over I would be able come up with more >ideas, but I never knew that my creativity level dropped just like my >memory of things I learned during the school year. Don't worry I'm going to >watch movies and other things to help me get ideas. NYANKO (Silverwing): Okay, how about this: "Usagi Vs. Predator." >Sorry again about the shortness. SIREN: That's okay... we didn't notice! CROW: Yeah, I'll say. Let's split, guys. ----- [The ANIMAMATES leave the theater. GALAXIA's televised visage is waiting for them.] GALAXIA: [drumming her fingers on her throne] Well? MOUSE: That fanfic made feel empty and tired. Sort of like I've been energy-drained by a youma. CROW: Yeah... I mean, even setting aside the badness of the fanfic itself, the fact that someone tried writing a Ranma 1/2 crossover without having seen any Ranma 1/2 is profoundly depressing. GALAXIA: What did you think, Nyanko? NYANKO: Bah. She promised us more Mamoru-maiming! She *lied*! GALAXIA: Siren? SIREN: Yarr! I'm Makato, mighty pirate! I'm going to transfarrrm into Sailor Jupitarrrr! GALAXIA: Right. Well, it seems my mission to annoy was a rousing success; I believe I've taken another modest step on the path towards utterly crushing your spirits. MOUSE: Well, at least it's over now. Go ahead and send us back, Galaxia- sama. GALAXIA: Not so fast, my irreverent rodent. MOUSE: Huh? GALAXIA: You have some visitors. CROW: ...visitors? You mean here on this theater-satellite thing? GALAXIA: That is correct. They're waiting in the lounge. NYANKO: We have a lounge? I didn't know there was anything on this satellite other than this room and the theater! GALAXIA: Of course there's a lounge! If there wasn't one, where would your visitors wait? SIREN: Your logic is impeccable, Galaxia-sama! GALAXIA: Yes. Yes, indeed. Anyway, I'll tell them they can come in now. Just a second. [GALAXIA's screen goes blank.] CROW: Visitors? Who could possibly... [Over on a side-wall of the bridge, a door slides open. RANMA pokes his head in the room.] RANMA: Uh... hey. You guys done with the fanfic now? ALL: ... SIREN: Why, yes, we are! RANMA: Ah. Cool. MOUSE: Wow! [to SIREN] That guy is hot! Now I see why he has so many fiancées! CROW: Okay. I have to ask. Ranma, why the hell are you here? RANMA: Oh. Isn't that pretty obvious? I'm here to beat the crap out of you for not reviewing the first chapter. Didn't the author warn you or somethin'? ALL: ... CROW: ...of course. NYANKO: [sneering] Yeah? You think you can take us ALL on? RANMA: Yeah, probably, but I don't really like hittin' girls. CROW: So how do you expect to... RANMA: ...that's why everyone else is here. C'mon in, guys! [A procession of martial artists file out through the door, including AKANE, KUNO, RYOUGA, SHAMPOO, MOUSSE, UKYOU, KODACHI, TARO, and many more besides. They are that nebulous group often referred to by some fanfic authors as THE NERIMA CREW.] ALL: ... SIREN: See, I *thought* we should have reviewed the fanfic! MOUSE: ...Oh, wow. Look at all that beefcake. NYANKO: Shut up, Mouse! SHAMPOO: [hefting her bonbori] So, who want to be beaten first? [The ANIMAMATES glance at each other in fear.] CROW: [hastily] Uh... look, I'm sorry you guys had to come all the way out here to the middle of the Sagittarius constellation and everything, but clearly this is all a big misunderstanding. RANMA: Yeah? CROW: Yes. You see, I know that Silverwing said we needed to review back at the end of the *first* chapter, but we were enjoying the fanfic so much that we just couldn't bring ourselves to take a break from it. We were *just* about to post a review. [MOUSE, SIREN, and NYANKO chime in with a chorus of eager affirmations.] CROW: Here, look! [She strides over to a small keyboard located somewhere on the control panels below the viewscreen, quickly navigates to fanfiction.net, and begins to type. The text is displayed overhead.] CROW: "Dear silverwing1... We enjoyed your fanfic. We thought your punctuation was very good. Please continue. Also kill Mamoru because I do not like Mamoru and therefore he should die. lol bishies. Sincerely, The Sailor Animamates." [turning around] That's more or less how these fanfiction.net reviews go, right? RANMA: Yeah, pretty much. SIREN: I think you should add a :D in there, Crow-san. And maybe a >:( or a XD. CROW: Oh, right, emoticons. Good call. MOUSE: [raising her hand] Hey, while you're at it, could you suggest that she write a Sailor Moon/Dragonball Z crossover where I end up with Vegeta? NYANKO: Yeah, and could you ask her to choke and die? MOUSE: Ooh, ooh, and could she make it a lemon? CROW: No, no, and HELL no. [CROW hits the enter key.] CROW: Alright, we've posted a review. Now can you get out of... [noticing at the screen] Woah, look at all the other reviews for this fanfic! There's more than a hundred! And they're all highly positive, too! RANMA: [ominously] We do good work. Galaxia? [Black phone booths suddenly form around the NERIMA CREW, and they disappear.] GALAXIA: [her viewscreen coming back on] Now, wasn't it nice to meet some new people for a change? NYANKO: I hate you, Galaxia. GALAXIA: [chuckling] Heh heh heh... you people should have seen the looks on your faces when Ranma walked in. That was brilliant. It was *definitely* worth bringing them here. In fact, I do believe I've shaken myself out of my doldrums! SIREN: Wait, so that was all just a joke? GALAXIA: No, no. The Nerima Crew really *do* go around threatening people who don't review this fanfic. All I did was teleport them here into the depths of space. Still, that was pretty funny, don't you think? [The ANIMAMATES glare at GALAXIA.] GALAXIA: Come on, you have to admit it was funny. CROW: Are we done yet? GALAXIA: [sigh] Fine, fine. You can go. [The ANIMAMATES are also telepored away via phone-booth.] GALAXIA: Sheesh. I go to the trouble of setting up a little joke, and nobody appreciates it. Maybe I should find a way of bringing my incomparable wit to a wider audience. Like writing a fanfic, or something... [The scene fades out.] ----- >She stared at them. Then made eye contact with Rei. Rei took a step back at >the look Usagi was giving her. What she said next really surprised them and >the way she said. "If only you knew Rei. If only you knew." She said it in >a deathly low whisper. Then she walked up to Rei and punched her. ----- Release 1.0: First complete version; sent to Everything What is Crap April 25, 2006