"These haughty words of hers have batt'red me like roaring cannon shot, And made me almost yield upon my knees." Duke Of Burgandy, *I Henry VI* ======================================================== Presenting "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER NIGHTS" by Nightbreak (The Master-MSTer Triple Feature) Ranma « was created by Rumiko Takahashi. Viz Video and a bunch of other companies distribute it. Any other anime characters mentioned herein are the property of their own creators, distributors, parents, and tennis partners. You know the routine. Power Rangers (Gak!) belong to Haim Saban. He can keep them! Mystery Science Theater is the property of Best Brains Inc. and other people who work with that show. All copyrights are respectfully theirs. I don't have any money, anyways. So I doubt they would get anything out of suing me. "Knight on the Town" belongs to Tim McLees, "Three Pages Long" belongs to Megane 6.7, and "The Sometimes Self-Conscious Nerima Rangers" belongs to J-Boogie. Three stout MSTers in their own rights who are about to get blindsided, J-Boogie for a Mach 2. On The Record: This is my *17th*MSTing. It's my hope to soon pass Megane 6.7. :) For the sake of continuity, it follows my 16th, which was the first chapter of Jamie Jeans' "Samantha Jones" fanfic. The Chaosfics are the brainchildren of the Fanboys. They are truly horrible crossovers and do not exist as of yet. If you wish to write one, stop by Greenbeans' home page and visit the Fanboys poll. *SATELLITE OF LOVE, 1800 HOURS* *2100 HOURS ON THE NET* *AND THEY'VE LET ALAN EAGLESON OUT OF JAIL ALREADY* *DARNIT. . . * Soi stepped into the guest room on board the Satellite and slowly closed the door behind her. Thus hidden from the outside world, she allowed her proud, erect posture to relax. She dropped her travel bag on the floor and proceeded to remove the leather armour and clothes she had come aboard in. At nineteen, she had had quite the career in the "Fushigi Yuugi" anime. Now, with the series over, she spent her time doing bit parts in assorted fanfics. As well, being able to call lightning at will made her an occasional test subject for meteorologists. As she tugged on a pair of jogging pants and pulled a black T-shirt over her head, Soi glanced down at the box switch that was lying in her bag. It had been given to her by some of the geniuses of the Anime world, in order to counteract the horror that was bad fanfiction. She was to use it to save the sanity of Joel Robinson and his two robot pals, which she had done once already. Back on Earth, fanfics were being sought to replace the ones Dr. Forrester would be sending. Giving a stretch, Soi sighed and threaded her long brownish-red hair through a hairband. She guessed that she would be in for a long haul with the guys. Well, the fanfic circuit had been slow lately. And her sarcasm could use sharpening. She picked up the switch and headed back out to the bridge. Idly, she wondered what Joel, Tom Servo, and Crow did to keep busy up on the Satellite of Love. "Crow, could you pass me the azure, please?" "Sure thing, Joel. Just let me get a little peacock blue for my palette here!" Joel Robinson and his two robots were. . . painting. Tom Servo, French beret perched on his bubbledome and paint-stained smock draped around him, wielded his brush attachment. "Ah. . . ze Muse is upon me! Oh-oh-oh! " Joel peered around the edge of his easel. "Crow, where did you find all these painting supplies, anyway?" "Oh, in the theatre projection room. They were next to those gold bars that Dr. F.'s hiding from Interpol." Crow leaned back and studied his own easel critically. "I still say Soi should have posed for us." "And _I_ say that there's still time to destroy this little black box," the woman in question said sweetly as she walked onto the bridge. "Eep." "Good Crow," Soi told him, patting his head net as she passed. "So, when am I going to get to see the final results?" "Just as soon as we're done." Joel looked up. "Did you get your suitcase okay?" "No problem," Soi grinned, "Kiyone used her transporter cube to beam it up to me. Good thing, too. Another day in that armour and I'd be smelling like my grandfather. All old leather." She looked around the bridge. "So, is this what you guys do in your spare time?" Joel shook his head. "Not at all. We just can't do the same thing more than once. When you're trapped on a Satellite and supposed to be being tortured until your will breaks, your capacity to entertain yourself is enhanced." "Yeah, you become a trillion times more powerful than Sailor Moon." Tom commented, leaning heavily on the sarcasm. "Huh?" "You missed that series. Be grateful." "Oh, okay. See, Soi, if we get bored, that's the cue for Dr. Forrester to gear up and send us something really nasty. That's why we have to keep busy finding new things to do. Or else. . . ." The bridge lights suddenly began strobing a deep red. "Cool! I've got a radically different colour scheme all of a sudden!" "Calm down, Tom. It's just the Mads." Soi grinned. "Oh, I see. Nip and Dip are calling, are they? May I?" Joel gestured at the button. "Be our guest." "Put your patience to the test." muttered Crow. *DEEP 13* Even through the dim lighting, the scene was eerie. Vines covered the walls of Deep 13, obscuring the mad scientist equipment and the giant vault doors. Flowering plants covered every available surface and the floor of the laboratory looked to be piled high with topsoil. A giant fern rose up from the ground. "Ah greetings, Rembrandt, Picasso, Renoir," it sneered, "And I see your guest is still with you, too. Homesick yet, my dear?" Dr. Clayton Forrester popped out from behind the potted plant. "Check it out, peasants! My entries in this year's Annual Fraternal Order of Mad Science Flower Show. I promise you, nobody has ever seen beauties like these!" Then he glowered at the viewscreen. "And what, pray tell, is so funny?" he growled at a hysterical Satellite of Love crew. Not receiving a reply, Dr. F. whirled around. "Frank!! Did you put glow-in-the-dark putty in my mustache wax again?" *SATELLITE OF LOVE* Catching his breath, Joel sat forward. "Dr. F., what's with the floppy sun hat? You look, well. . ." "I'll say it, Joel," Soi offered. "Goofier than a Sailor Moon crossover." Tom and Crow chuckled. *DEEP 13* "Hardy-har-har," Dr. Forrester snarled, "Keep on laughing, guinea pigs. Wait until you see my invention for this week! And since you've insulted me, I'll go first." Setting the plant down, he picked up a package of cigarettes. "Here we have the scourge of the free world: Smoking. Millions are spent each year on promoting and selling them, then dishing out to pay all the health costs for the smokers who suck themselves silly. "My invention strikes directly at the root of smoking. Namely, the *smoke*! Observe. . ." Casually, Dr. Forrester lit up and inhaled deeply. "Just like Canadian snowboarders," commented Crow on the viewscreen, amidst more laughter. Frowning at them, Dr. F. proceeded to blow a perfect smoke ring. In red. Another puff later, a blue one followed. Then a black one. "Get it, boys? My invention uses coloured smoke! With different powders in each cigarette, my Smoky Shades brand will make smoking more popular than ever! Thousands more will light up, placing such a strain on health care until the whole system collapses. Then everyone still breathing will look to me! BWAAAHAHAHAHAHHHHHH *hack, hack*!!! Ouch. . ." *SATELLITE OF LOVE* Tom and Joel exchanged glances, then both of them looked at Crow. "Well, sir," Crow started, "It looks like we were thinking along the same lines this week. Our invention also deals with smoking. Joel?" Cambot panned over to show him with a cigarette of his own. "We've come up with a way for non-smokers to fit into a crowd of their smoker friends, while at the same time avoiding those dangerous side-effects of second-hand smoke." Joel inhaled deeply, just as Dr. Forrester had, then exhaled, but nothing came out. "You see, we've taken a cancer stick and made it into an oxygen stick! That's right, sir, every smoke in this pack contains no nicotine, no tar, but it does contain a small tube of pure oxygen! Just break off the tip and you can inhale to your heart's content. It comes with a tiny indicator to let you know how much is left. And, best of all, you never have to ask anyone for a light! What do you think?" *DEEP 13* "Well," Dr. Forrester wheezed, "It's not _evil_ mind you, but not bad. Now, allow me to blow a little smoke in your eyes! It's the end of Anarchy and the beginning of Chaos! The first of the Chaosfics for you, "Sailor Scream!" Soon you'll be screaming! Frank! Let's. . . . *COUGH, COUGH!* Let's. . . . *HACK!!* One second, Joel." Fighting for breath, Dr. Forrester closed the channel. *SATELLITE OF LOVE* Before anyone aboard the Satellite could say anything, the mail light flashed and the instant messaging printer began churning out a letter. Joel leaned over and retrieved the piece of paper from the Inbox. "Soi, it's for you." Soi frowned as she read the message. "It's from Kiyone and Washu at the Club. "Guys, Samantha's vanished into thin air and we can't find the second part of Surprises All Around for you. However, some of the other MSTers down here have volunteered their own fanfics instead. We suggest you accept their deal. Anything is better than a Chaosfic. Trust us and throw the switch"." She looked up. "Boy, they're fast down there." "Take it," Tom muttered, "If I have to sit through a Scream/Sailor Moon crossover, my head will explode." Just then, the Mads light reactivated. *DEEP 13* Dr. Forrester leaned heavily on the main console, athsma medication in one hand. "As I was saying, Joel, here's your hit of pain for today. Frank! Smoke them out!" "Stoking the fire now, sir. . ." *SATELLITE OF LOVE* Smoke began filling the bridge as the roaring sounds of a fire echoed. Everyone stumbled around blindly, bumping into things as they tried to find the entrance to the theatre. All: OHHHHH, WE'VE GOT CHAOSFIC SIGN!! Soi: (Flips the switch, changing fanfics in midstream.) Begin Power Ranger Door Sequence. . . Door 6: *DragonZord!* Door 5: *Mastodon!* Door 4: *Pterodactyl!* Door 3: *Triceratops!* Door 2: *Sabre-Toothed Tiger!* Door 1: *Tyrannosaurus!* Joel enters the theatre, carrying Tom in his arms. He sits down in the third seat from the right and puts Tom in the fourth. Crow and Soi follow behind them and take the second and first seats respectively. Tom: Did it work? Soi: I think so. ROLL EM!! From Washu and Kiyone to Soi and the Crew of the Satellite of Love: The Chaosfic Dr. Forrester sent you is a long one. So, to keep the illusion that you're watching it, we're sending you three MSTers' fics in return. Enjoy. . . . > >A Knight on the Town All: Whoo! Tom: Nighty-night, knight? >A Goldar Story Crow: Lemon? Others: CROW!! > by > Timothy McLees Joel (awed): One of the Powers That Be! Tom: I feel so in-Tim-idated. Soi (impressed): Man, do they know what they're doing down there or what? > > The woman stood at the base of the tower on the grey dusty ground. Soi (woman): Geez, the Eiffel Tower could sure use some paint. > The comely, athletic Oriental woman had just teleported here. Tom (news anchor): And now, on the scene with his live report, is our author. Tim, take it away! > She looked up into the starry sky at her former home: Joel: Eekum Seekum. > Earth. A planet that her patron, Lord Zedd, had been attempting to > conquer for the past few. Crow: Otherwise known as the ancient minority. > She has grwn weary of his costant complaing and his incompetant yes-men. Soi: How many spelling mistakes can I make? Let me count the ways. . . Tom: You want to be here all night? > Yet, grudgingly she has returned, but not to return to her employer, Joel: But to collect welfare and accuse him of sexual harrassment! > but more to visit an old friend. But she was greeted by neither. Tom: Instead, she was forced to deal with that rude receptionist who called security. > > The sharp squaks of crows turned her attention back to the tower. A > quintet of anthropomorphic birds surrounded her. Crow: And they had brought their instruments, ready for the recital. > The woman heard legends of these creatures, crow-demons known as tengu, > in her land. Joel: Uh, did she go back home all of a sudden? Soi: No, Tim just forgot a tense somewhere. Nothing to worry about. > Their ebonys feather covering their hide and showed their talons. All: . . . Soi: Forget what I said. This is going to HURT! > The tengu were anxious to dine on what was, to them, a stranger. Crow (maitre d'): Tonight's specials are cream of leek soup, stranger steak skewered with strawberries, and cherry cobbler. > In unison they let out their war cry and prepared to decend. The woman, > unimpressed, Soi: Maced em all. > casually drew her weapon, a curved silver blade. Tom: Unfortunately, someone forgot to add a hilt and she cut her hand to ribbons. > After twirling it once, she gracefully threw her blade. Two tengu hit the > ground with a resounding thud All (singing): Another one bites the dust! Hey, hey! Another one bites the dust! > before the others even landed. > > Two of the beasts swooped down upon her. Crow: Like wolves on the centerfold. Tom: Personal experience there, Crow? Crow: Bite me. > After several misplaced slashes, The woman Soi: Was immediately granted godlike status. > assaults one with a flurry of kicks. A crack was heard Crow: Someone tell her to fix her pants. Joel: Crow. . . > on the fifth, maybe sixth blow. Tom: Hey, but who's counting? > She turned to face her remaining foes, holding her left hand out. Crow (woman): See, you vultures? I'm married. Now go and chase cars or something. > Her blade, now coated with a bluish-green goo. Joel: What about the blade? Come on, Tim, don't leave us hanging on sentence fragments! Inquiring minds want to know! > She gets into a defensive stance and, with a smirk, urges her foes to > continue. Crow (woman): Come on, boys! My sword's bigger than yoooours! > The two birdmen gawked at the woman and turned to each other. Tom (tengu): Listen, _you_ saw her, _you_ take her home to meet Mom. > The squaked at each other Soi: Tim must've lost his spellchecker in cyberspace. > and held one arm out to each other. Joel: Time to form a support group, guys. > > "Jan...Ken...Po!" They screeched at each other hitting their open claw > each time. Crow (Bob Barker): You now have five Plinko chips! Tom: Urrggh. "Sailor Moon on the Price is Right" flashback. All: Brrrrrr! > After this odd display, one tengu patted the other misgruntled tengu, Tom: Ah, they're postal workers! Joel: Either that or on strike against GM. > apparantly cawing encouragement. The woman, for the first time since she > first arrived here, chuckled. She then charged the incoming beast. Crow: Monica Lewinsky, eat your heart out. > "SCARLET...STINGER!!!" She bellowed holding her free hand in a > "crane fist". > The tengu screeched and fell to the ground Tom: Insane with laughter at the cheesy attack? Soi: Beats using a Star Gentle Uterus. All: (snicker) > after receiveing a series of rapid-fire crane strikes. Soi: Ah, the Origami Paper Cuts of Death. > She began wiping the tengu blood of her hand with a cloth. Crow (Freud): Obsessive-compulsive behaviour by wiping your own blood! I recommend full psychoanalysis. > "These are the new minions Edsel-face has hire?" She said, Tom : Soon to be filleted minions. > "Shit, it's no wonder we lose all the time. Come on, bird-brains, get up and > try this again." Soi (woman): Now, shuffle, step, ball, heel, step, tap, toe. Got it? > Despite caws of protest, the practice kata continued. Tom (Tae-Kwon Leap Instructor): Ed Gruberman, you fail to grasp Tae-Kwon Leap. Approach me that you might see. Crow (Ed Gruberman): All right, finally some action! Tom (Instructor): Observe closely, class. . . . Boot to the Head! *KATHUMP!* > From the balcony, a massive,winged figure stood. Like the woman, he > was Crow: Missing something. Joel: Ouch. > growing tired of his constant defeats and the constant put-downs from his > boss. Joel (boss): That's the ugliest face I've ever seen! And _I've_ got a mirror! > The fierce Gryponsai warrior had been anxious over the return on this female > warrior. Tom: The government had promised him a _big_ return! Crow: And he was hoping for something in silicone. >In all his years, she was the only fighter to match his skill. Soi: She could touch her nose with her tongue better than anyone else! >He had missed her fierocity in battle, her weapon skill, her cunning. A gentle > smile crossed his furry face. Joel: Tim McLees: Vault Maintainer, Review Council member, and closet furvert. Bots: GYAH!! > Her jet black hair, her sparkling green eyes... > "And those..." He said out loud, cupping his clawed hands. Soi: Shoulderpads! Crow: I'm going to be sick. > He stopped in mid-sentence as he noted that not only had he speaking > out loud, Tom: Which was a remarkable talent in itself. > but that he had an audience. Joel (Goldar): Thank you! Now, for my next Freudian slip. . . > Flanking him was Finster, an eccentric scientist, thoughtfully stroking his > beard, Crow (Finster): Wait a . . . I don't remember eating that! > and Baboo, a slender bat-like creature. Baboo, drinking some tea, was > looking very sternly at his superior. Soi (Baboo): Lucky me. A boss who doesn't appreciate the fine points of Earl Gray. > "Um, Ut, Uhhhh...SWORD!" Goldar said with a bashful grin. Crow (Goldar): Ooga-ooga? Tom (Baboo): Not buying it, boss. > "Goldar, I know that the "New Light" festival is beginning on your > home world, but Joel (Baboo): We just can't go bobbing for piranhas! > can you at least TRY to keep you hormones in check. This is a family story, > after all!" Baboo exclaimed. Soi: Well, there went the fourth wall. Joel: And as quietly as a jackhammer. > Goldar motioned at Babon to be quiet, Crow: While Bada-bing and Bada-boom merely stood by. > fearing that Scorpina might have heard him. > "Look Baboo," he said in a whisper, "It's not totally instinct." Joel (Goldar): It's the Pam Anderson figure, too. > He heald his head up proud like a lion, Crow: And another letter escapes this fic. Tom: Someone get him a spellchecker! Or at least a dictionary! > and continued. "I respect her, as a warrior and a friend. It's just that..." Soi (Goldar): As a man, I want to do the Dance of LOVE! > "That what..." Finster intruded coldly, "Surely there are no biological > problems. Crow (Finster): No ink left in the fountain pen? Tom (ditto): The old admiral won't salute? Joel (ditto): No more spring in your step? Soi (ditto): Or haven't you gotten out of the dugout yet? > Why, I've seen several documentations of Gryphonsai hybrids throughout the > galaxy that are ju..." Tom (Finster): I mean, the zoos will pay a bundle for them these days! > "I'M SCARED, OK!!!" Goldar quickly clasped his hands over his > mouth. > The reek of burning flesh is smelled by the trio as Joel: Goldar swallowed that cigar he had forgotten about. > their boss, a massive man entwined in metal, teleports onto the ledge in a > flash of fire. Soi (boss): Mind if I smoke? HAHAHAHAHAH! > This huge, red creture Crow: Was born on the Isle of Crete. > towered even over Goldar. He looked like the Shredder after a fiery car > accident. Soi: How did a cheese grater get in a car accident? Joel: He's referring to an American cartoon. Now ruined by Saban. All: BOOOOOOO! > "WHAT THE HELL'S ALL THE NOISE ABOUT!?" Zedd bellowed, > "I'm trying to sleep in there and..." Joel (Zedd): I was having this _wonderful_ dream about Jello! > his attention turned from his minions toward the sound of Scorpina > "training" his Tengu. Crow (Tengu): Oh yeah, babe! Train me harder! Push me! Whooooo! Soi: Zip it, Crow. > He turned to Goldar, his eyes blazing. "Ohhhhhh, your girlfriend has > returned." Tom (Zedd): Did she bring that yak meat I asked for? > "She is not my girlfriend." He replied quiety. Soi (Goldar): Oogie-poogie snuggle bunny, yes. Girlfriend, no. > "Not yet, at least." Baboo added, in between sips. > > "SHUT UP!" Joel (Goldar): Go suck on your teabag, Baboo. > "You're kidding right?" Zedd shouted at Goldar, Tom (Goldar): No! Either he shuts up or I rip his head off! > "You honestly think she would see something in a giant furball like you? > BWAH! HA! HA! HA! Soi: Oooh. Fragmented Evil Laughter. I'm impressed. > You have your'e far-fetched dreams, Goldar! I'm going back to bed." Zedd's > grating laughter faded into the hallway. Crow: That cheese grater image is making more and more sense for some reason. > Goldar's wings sunk to the floor. "He's right though" he broods, Joel: Tenses: Past, Present, Future. Only one of these three can be used! > gazing at the stars. "We're so different and not just by race. Tom: I'm in the 100 metres, she's in the marathon! > What could she ever see in me?" > "I don't know," a female voice behind him replyed. Crow (reciting): When adding a suffix to a word ending in "y", you drop the "y" and use "ie" instead. > "Your commanding spirit, your skill in battle. Nice, firm tush..." Soi: (gags herself) > Goldar turned to see Scorpina teleporting in a golden mist. All: (hum theme for Goldust) > Finster looked at the stars and began to whistle, hands behind his back. > Baboo finished his tea and walked in side. All: Step, slide. . . Step, slide. . . > "At, ah, ya didn't..." Goldar stammered. > > "It was hard not to with the boss yelling." Soi (Scorpina): He really didn't mean that gelding crack, did he? > she replyed with a smile. "There's nothing wrong with it." Crow (Scorpina): Lots of men your age have that problem. > Goldar continued to babble as she walked up to him and then stopped > less than a foot away. Tom (Goldar): Urrrr, grrrr, wurrrr, Rhubarb! Rhubarb! > "Tell you what, there's a great new Earth resturant that has opened up. Joel (Scorpina): Everything seems to taste like it's fried, though. Even those . . . McWraps? > I've got some friends there.I'm not busy now." She turned breifly All (monotone): I before E except after C. > at the unconcious Tengu on the groun. Crow: How long has Tim known Dr. Thinker? Tom: Way too long, it looks like. > "We can even go tonight if you want. It'll be fun." > > "Uh, huh, um...Fun!" Tom (Goldar): Urrrr, grrrr, wurrrr, Rhubarb! Rhubarb! > "Then it's a date." She turned and walked toward the doorway. Soi: Or a prune, depending on how you look at it. > "I can understand why you'd be worried. Our peoples have different ways of > doing this. But, hey, I don't bite." Joel: Oh, please don't say the other half! Pleasepleaseplease! Tom: You know she's going to. > She slowly turned her head over her shoulder. "That is, not unless you'd like > me to." All: Cliche!! > she said as she entered the tower. Goldar stood facing the doorway, mouth > wide open, for a good five minutes. Crow: Someone want to turn on the bug zapper? His breath's attracting flies. > "I can't figure out what's wrong with him," Finister said Tom: Finister the Prime Minister? > as he continued to examine him. "He's been standing here as if frozen." Joel (Baboo): Well, remind me to defrost him in the morning. > Babon, smoking a cigarette, said,"To use an archaic Earth phrase, Soi: Hail Caeser! Crow: Not _that_ archaic. > I believe he's been twitter-paited." > >****** Tom: Okay. This is where I draw the line. SIX stars? Nuh-uh. > That evening, the couple arrived outside the Silver Swan, a ritzy new Joel: Kennel to put Goldar in while Scorpina went on vacation. > restraunt in Angel Grove, named for the large silver swan statue outside the > entrance. Soi: I don't care much for swan myself. I find it rather stringy. > To their amazement, they weren't the most unusual guests arriving. Crow (maitre d'): Table for two, Mr. Saint Bernard? > The restraunt's grand opening had brought in a menagerie of fighters, aliens, > and critters. Tom: Critters? Whoo, those little hairballs are going to eat everything in sight! Joel: Not to mention everyone. Crow: Maybe Leonardo DiCaprio? Tom: We can dream. > "Brilliant," Goldar grumbled, "For years we've been trying to invade this > city, and by doing so it's now an intergalactic tourist trap! Crow: Hey, all of California's a tourist trap. > I look ridiculous, too!" He tugged at the sleeves of his tux. Soi (Goldar) *RIP!* Oops. Joel: Nice monkey suit. Tom: Nice monkey. > "You look wonderful," Scorpina comforted. She had traded her usual > battle gear for a sleek green dress. I'm amazed you fit into that." Crow: So, Tim thinks that Scorpina's fat? Joel: Dead man. > "I'm suprised, too, it's Finster's! He has a molecular whozi-whats-it on > the cuffs that adjust the size. The things he comes up with..." Soi (Goldar): I won't even mention that couch with Artificial Intelligence. > "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, GOLDAR!?" a voice bellowed > behind him. > He knew who it was before he turned around. Joel (Goldar): Zordon! Out for a late evening float? > he was someone he worked with before. An athletic male in a white tux > stood before him, his waist-length brown hair tied back. Crow: Who let Yanni in here? Soi (begins swooning): Yanni. . . . Tom: Oh, please. > He held a gleaming silver scimitar in his right hand. Part of his arm was > already armored. Goldar's instinct, and the hollers of some of the guests in > line, were telling what he should do. All: Go for the cash! The CASH! > Something he really didn't want to do. Tom: Better not be the Macarena. > "We're here for the same reason you are, Thomas. To enjoy an autumn > evening, some fine food, some wine..." Soi: May I recommend the Chateau Libido? Just ask for the bottlecap. Crow: Nice one. Joel: Crow, you're a bad influence. Crow: Don't blame this one on me. She was like that before she got up here. > Scorpina replied as he took Goldar's arm with a slight tug. Tom: "He"? That had better be a typo. > "You're kidding, right?" Tommy asked as he relaxed his fighting stance. > "AIEYA! THAT'S SO COOL! They're eating here, too?" A syrupy > sweet, female voice piped from the distance. Crow: It's Autumn! The Canadians are attacking! Maple Bombs! Syrup! I'm hit! > An perky teenaged girl, in a pastel pink dress and a white rose corsage, > came up to greet them. "I can't believe you two are here,too," Kim said as > she threw one arm around Tommy's neck, Soi: And put him in a headlock to stop that Y chromosone behaviour. > "But ya know, I always had a hunch th' two of you would get together. > ISN'T IT ADORABLE, TOMMY?" Joel (Sheila Copps as Kimberly): D'hear me! I THINK IT'S ADORABLE! > "Peachy." He stated, not taking his eyes off of Goldar's red glare. Crow: Oh, go ahead, Goldar. Kick his spineless, wimpy butt. > "So," Scorpina intervened after recovering from Kim's saccirine display, Tom: Doesn't saccharine cause cancer? Joel: "Strawberry Shortcake" and "My Little Pony" fans are really done for. > "Why not the four of us have a truce. Just for tonight, of cource. Soi: They make truces big enough here that you need a doggie bag! Oh, sorry Goldar. > "Yes...a truce." Goldar repeated with a fanged smile down to Tommy. Crow (Goldar): Sissy. Soi (Tommy): Vampire. Crow (Goldar): Weakling. Soi (Tommy): Twinkiebrain. Crow (Goldar): Stickboy. Soi (Tommy): Dubbie. Joel: Enough, you two. Tom: Nah, keep going. I want to hear what comes next. > "I'll be keeping an eye on you." His sworded dissolved Joel: Sworded? SWORDED? Isn't that like the details of Zippergate? Crow: Actually, that's "sordid", but nice try, Joel. > into a silver mist and his gauntlet reverted to a sleeve. > "Come along, children. I know the doorman here. He'll let us in > quickly." Tom (Scorpina): But we have to throw ourselves out. > Kim bounced along behind the couple All: POGOBALL!!! > with Tommy trailing cautiously behind them. Before they reached the door, > a huge man moved in between them. Soi (Lurch): You Rang? Tom: Soi, how do you get your voice that deep? Soi: Don't ask. > His formal suit bareley covered his hulking frame. His hair was messy, > unusual for such a formal resturant. Tom (Incredible Hulk): HULK WAITER FOR EVENING! WINE LIST GOOD! > At the end of his sleeves were gold cufflinks shaped like a longhorn bull's > head. > Folding his arms he looked Goldar in the eye, emitting a deep, low laugh. Crow (Bouncer): Care for a cookie? > Goldar smiled, exposing his fangs, and laughed as well. Tom (Goldar): Peanut butter! My favourite! > "Oh knock it off, you two!" Scorpina jokingly interrupted, Soi (Scorpina): Or I'll cut "it" off! > "Al, these are...associates of mine. Show them some good tables, will you?" Joel: Something with a nice view of the dungeon and torture chamber, hmmmm? > The man bowed graciously before Scorpina. "Right this way, Lamia." All: Lamia? > "Lamia??" The other three asked. > "Hey, everyone needs an alias these days." She reasoned. Tom (Scorpina): It was either that or Fluffy. > ****** Crow: Maybe it's only three stars and I'm seeing double. > "It is a privilege to welcome you two to the Silver Swan," The waiter > introduced. Joel (waiter): May I have a drumroll, please? > He was a tall, odd-looking man, almost elf-like, with long lavender hair. "I'll > be your matre' de for tonight. Tom (waiter): I will tell you that there is a fifteen minute wait for a table and refuse to serve you until you bribe me. > My assisstants will be out to serve you in a few minutes." > "I'm very proud of you, Goldar," Scorpina said, "You've been amazingly > well behaved." Crow (Scorpina): You didn't chase any cars in the parking lot, bite the chef, or attach yourself to anyone's leg! > "Thank you, madam." he replied with a slight laugh. He carefully > followed Baboo's advice in ordering, ettiquite and even drinking. Joel (Goldar grumbling): What does he mean I can't crush and eat the beer cans? > "With the exception of Tommy and Kim's arrival the evening has gone > suprisingly we..." His ears then caught a conversation in the kitchen, Tom (Goldar): Hmmmm. Don't order the Anything Dead in Bread Special. > of two boys plotting about earning quick money and impress "space babes" Soi: From the people who brought you "Earth Girls Are Easy,", it's "Earth Boys Are Infantile"!! > He shuddered as the matre de' argued with them. His evening with Scorpina > was about to turn real ugly. > "Oh God, not them..." he groaned to himself. Soi: "Them" who? Crow: Don't look now, but the comic relief has arrived. > As if pushed telekeneticly, the two waiters were shoved out of the > kitchen. Joel & bots: (imitate tubas "oom-pahing", mimicking Bulk and Skull's music.) > Even Tommy, who was sitting with Kim a few tables away, was suddenly > uneasy Soi: Must've been the garlic bread. > as he heard Bulk and Skull's innane bantering. Tom: That should read "insane" bantering. > The two punks, wearing ill-fitting Armani suits, made their way to Goldar's > table. After they recognized the two, Bulk and Skull exchanged > mischievious grins. Joel (Bulk): VOILA! Les victimes! Tom (Skull): GADZOOKS! Also, SHAZAAM! > "Ahhh, mons-sewer" Girth began with a bad French accent, Soi: Who are these guys? Tom: The Supreme Chuckleheads of Haim Saban. And quite possibly the only good actors in the show. Joel & Crow: Amen. > "I zee you have chozen tha steak. Vould you like that well-done or raw, > ummm, rare." Soi: Ooooh! Steak Tatare! I've _got_ to get some for Ashitare! > Girth tried to stiffle a chortle. Goldar growled softly. Crow: You know, Bulk and Skull's actors are really nice people. Tom: Do tell. Crow: Remember Joe Rovang's series? His chat line went to a Power Rangers convention and hung out with those two at Bulk's house. Tom: Cool. Anyways, back to the fanfic. > Skull was giggling maniacly as well when he noticed Tommy and Kim, Soi: Making out in their pasta and grossing everyone. > waving furiously trying to shut them up. Joel: I recommend an Uzi, personally. > Skull waved "Hi" back. > "...Perhaps some vintage blood. Tom (Goldar): Good idea! How's yours? > Ah recommend the 1650, excellent year." Bulk continued. Crow: Ah, the year Cologne was born! Soi: She's older than that, Crow. > "CAN YOU SHUT HIM UP!?" Scorpina shouted at Skull who was still > giggling. > "Oh, bite me! It's--" Joel: Crow, have you been giving classes again? Crow: Not me. > Skull then noticed Goldar's eyes growing more and more crimson, his growl > a bit louder. Skull, too, motioned at him to Girth to end his innane puns. Crow (Skull): Bulk? Tom (Bulk): Not now! Crow (Skull): Uh, Bulk. . . we're gonna get. . . Tom (Bulk): Wait for it! > "...Or maybe we should skip directly to..." Bulk paused for dramitic > effect. Soi (Bob Barker): The Showcase Showdown! > Tommy and Kim were already out of their chairs. Crow: And out of their clothes, on the floor. Joel: Crow. . . > "...The doggy bag." Bulk finished > Goldar lept with a roar from his chair. Joel: Dead men. Soi: Popcorn? > His wings ripped out of the back of his suit. He grabbed both Bulk and Skull > by the collar and raised them to his eye level. Tom (Lenny Henry): *Gastons*, if you don't hop it *toute suite*, I will *frappe*, smack, yank your teeth, and bop your gourd; you'll be able to *manger* *avec* your *derriere* as well as *parle*ing out of it! *Comprez- vous?!!!* Others: (applaud) > "I'm going to hurt you now..." He growled, his snout just an inch from > their faces. Soi (Bulk): Um, what kind of toothpaste do you use? > He looked around long enough to see that many of the guests and the band > were now bearing weapons, waiting for his next action. Joel: Who'll pay five RAMchips to see Bulk and Skull get brained with their own theme tuba? Bots: (cheer wildly.) > This, briefly, shocked Goldar. > "Just you try it, furball!" The saxaphonist, now weilding a polearm, > shouted. Soi: I before E . . . Oh, forget it. I'm past caring about spelling riffs. > "Actually, some of us would applaud if he..." Tommy pondered, but was > abruptly inturrepted by a wooden mallet from Kim's purse. Tom (bored): And Hammerspace once again rears its ugly mallet. All (ditto): Yay. > Goldar looked around rapidly at all of them, and then back down at > Scorpina. Crow (Goldar): What're they looking at? My fly's closed, isn't it? > In her eyes, he saw embarrasment, disgust and concern, all at once. Crow (Goldar): It isn't, huh? > The cheers in his head, voices from his homeworld, were telling his what he > should do, All: Take what's in the box! The BOX! > what he wants to do. Tom: I would like. . . I would like? I would like a trip to Europe! > He ignores them. Soi: And joins us in the present. > Girth and Skull land with a thud at Goldar's feet. Tom (Goldar): NOW SPIT-SHINE THEM!! > After panting for a few moments, the punks regained their senses. Joel: You mean, what little they began with. > "Good one, Bulk!" Skull scolded, "Ya blew our tip!" Crow (Bulk): I'll blow your tip in a second if you don't _shut up_!! > They were then quickly thrown for distance out the door by Al the doorman. Tom (Al): Thank you and COME AGAIN! > The other warriors in the resturant returned their weapons to...wherever > they got them Joel: Someday, I'd like to plan a vacation to Hammerspace, maybe take the guided tour. > and continued eating, dancing, and playing. Soi (Klingon warrior): What do you mean, I cannot buy Boardwalk, Ferengi? > The matre de, Crow: Okay, I'll say it. Tim, it's spelt "Maitre d'." > after helping the doorman with his "trash" passed to Goldar's table. He was > recovering from his near-rage resting his head in Scorpina's lap. Tom (Goldar): What's that poking the back of my head? Joel: Tom! > She heard a message in the back of her mind: Soi: "We're sorry, your call cannot be completed as dialed. . ." > "You do choose the most interesting companions, don't you Lamia?" Crow (voice): First that transvestite rodeo clown, now this guy! > It was the voice of the matre' de. She looked over her shoulder at him but he > had already returned to the kitchen. Joel (maitre d'): Hey, Hans! How's that cat souf. . . I mean, special dessert coming? >****** Tom: Okay, who straightened out the Big Dipper? > Much time later, the couple returned to Zedd's tower. Crow: With apologies to Mike Surbrook, "Zedd's dead, baby." > "I'm very proud of you. The Goldar from years ago would have ripped > their heads off without hesitation." Soi (Scorpina): And I would have juggled them for you, along with their. . . Crow: Don't go there. > Scorpina said looking up at her companion. > "Perhaps I've grown soft in my years." He replied with a shy grin." Tom: That's age and gravity catching up with you, Goldar. Joel: In case anyone's wondering, we've all taken a vow not to do any Viagra jokes. Soi: Hey, I like the waterfalls! Crow: Soi, that's "Niagara", not "Viagra". > "That's perfectly fine with me." She then leaned next to him and put her > arms around his waist. Goldar, taking great care, gently placed his hands on > her side and shoulder. Soi: Hmmmmm. I miss my boyfriend. Tom: Nakago? Soi: Nope. That's just in the Anime. Tom: Who, then? Soi: None of your business. > They looked at each other for quite some time. Crow (Scorpina): I can't believe it! He's got a whole stalk of celery in his teeth! Joel (Goldar): What's with her perfume? Did she take a swim in it? > Then, he leaned down slightly and...tried to pucker. Tom: Then she slapshotted him in return. Thank you! > He never realized how hard it is to kiss with a snout. > "Humans make this looks so easy." he said. Soi: Hey, it's easy enough. Joel, come here. Bots: (wolf whistle as Joel shrinks into the corner of his seat.) > They both began to laugh loudly. He smiled one last time at his > comrade-in-arms. His best friend. His lover. Crow: His late night snack. Soi (giggles): Crow, you want to be deep fried again? > "See you tommorow?" He asked. Tom (deified Goldar): We can toss a few lightning bolts at the heathens. > "Of course." she replied blushing slightly. > Goldar stetched his wings and flew graceful back to his quarters. Joel: Just take the "steches" out later. Crow: And what exactly was Grace full of? > Scorpina continued to look on after he flew off. > "Ahh, my dear Scorpina," Baboo's voice said behind her, "Have we been > off making kittens?" Soi (Scorpina): How'd you like a Scarlet Stinger where the sun don't shine? > "This is a private matter, bat!" she answered harshly, "How long have > you been here?" > "Long enough." Tom (Baboo): I didn't know human legs would bend that way. . . > He landed nimbly from the ceiling, and carried a wine glass in his hand. "He > is an interesting fellow, Joel (British accent): How about tea and crumpets tomorrow? Three-ish? > but how can you "relate" with him. Isn't the fur weird." Crow (Baboo): _I_ should know, since I'm only commenting and not asking a question. > "Babon, it's no big deal. Soi: Is it just me, or does everyone act like Baboo has a split personality? Tom: It's just the fanfic. Relax. > He's very warm and soft. He feels like the lion cubs I had as a child." Joel (Scorpina): And he's got breath to match! > As Scorpina began to leave the balcony, Baboo noticed some odd wounds > along her back and side. Tom (Baboo): What's with the killer tomatoes? > "And the claw marks" he asked with a sly grin. Soi (monotone): Must. . . refrain from . . . using question . . . marks. . . > Scorpina turned around slowly, examining her fingernails. "Claw marks? Crow (Scorpina): Oh, those came from the stapler! Joel: I don't want to know. > They don't bother him too badly." She replied with a grin. Soi: Oi vey. It's like Disney's Hercules all over again. Tom: I loved James Wood as Hades. > Baboo eyes widened Crow: And Widened smacked him for it. > and, in a sudden fit of clumsiness, fumbled his wine gobblet to the floor. Joel: You know, that image of Scorpina and Goldar just sunk in for me, too. Tom: And? Joel: Ow. Soi: Ite. . . THE END! Crow: Oh, thank you! Joel: It's break time, guys. Soi and Crow scamper out of the theatre as quickly as they can, while Joel picks up Tom and walks out. Part 1 ends here. Proceed to Part 2.