*Parte the Thirde* Crow and Tom peeked up from beneath the control panel. "You think it'll work?" Servo whispered. "If it doesn't, they're goners." Crow replied. "You think Joel would mind if I borrowed his self-cleaning toenail clippers, then?" "Why would you want those? You don't even have feet!" "Well, you know . . . sentimental value." "Ah." Just then, a scuffle broke out in one of the corridors, followed by a loud shriek and the sound of electricity lashing out. Crow quavered and ducked behind the panel again. "Ohhh, I knew it! They're goners!" Tom looked down at him. "Don't worry about it!" he hissed. "I've got a backup plan, just in case something like this happened!" "Really? Tell me it's a good one!" "Well . . . ." Joel strolled into the room then, tossing something up in the air and catching it. "Well, that takes care of that." Soi followed him, her face red. "Yes, but did you *have* to wait until he groped me before you shut him down?" Joel opened his hand and half a dozen AA batteries tumbled onto the counter. "Sorry. Took me a while to find the slots." He glanced down at his two robots. "You two can get up now. Dr. F.'s project just had its power supply cut." "And I had my entire brassiere rearranged," Soi grumbled, adjusting her sweater. "Excuse me while I go and shower." She flounced off the bridge. "Pardon me, Joel . . . but we've got some sort of transporter attempting to beam onto the SoL. Should I tell Gypsy to let it through?" Joel frowned, then nodded. "Sure thing, Magic Voice." The blue and white sparkle of a Star Trek transporter beam coalesced onto the SoL bridge, reforming into . . . "I am Commander Spock, of the Federation Starship Enterprise. We received a distress call originating aboard this station." Crow looked over at Tom. "The backup plan', Servo?" Since he had no shoulders, Tom couldn't shrug, but he managed his best impression of it. "So I had Gypsy send an S.O.S using the Mars Polar Lander that got stuck in the Satellite's solar collectors last month. Who knew?" Joel raised his hands. "Ummm, the problem's been taken care of, sir. Sorry to bring you all this way for nothing, really." Spock merely arched an eyebrow and kept his phaser out. "Perhaps. My ship will return for me in a short while, however, so I may still be of some service." He cast a quizzical look at the flashing red light on the control panel. "Are you at Red Alert?" "What? Oh no, no! This is just . . . well. . . ." Words failing him, Joel simply slapped the button. *DEEP 13* "Joelsie-poo! You're being very persistant today! And I see you've managed to find yourself a guest. Well, we'll just have to roll out the welcome wagon for him, won't we? FRANK! Bring me another one! Bring me another FANFIC!!" *SATELLITE OF LOVE* Spock blinked a couple of times as Dr, Forrester disappeared from the viewscreen. "How . . . fascinating." "He's not usually this abrupt." Tom butted in, "There's usually more ranting, raving, and mad drooling, but he seems to be in a very short mood today." "I . . . see." Crow hurried over. "Okay, here's what's going to happen. In a moment, there's going to be sirens and lights and the whole place shaking. Don't ask what's going on, just follow us, take a seat, and give the movie your full attention." On cue . . . "WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIIIIIIGGGGNNN!" [Begin Wrestling PPV Door Sequence!] Door 6: *Royal Rumble!* Door 5: *Wrestlemania!* Door 4: *King of The Ring!* Door 3: *SummerSlam!* Door 2: *Survivour Series!* Door 1: *HalfTime Heat!* *Joel carries Tom to his fourth seat, while he sits in the third. Spock takes the second seat, while Crow takes the first.* ROLL EM ONCE MORE! > The Budakai Fighting Grounds... Crow: Home of the World Champion "Wedgie Contests." > "The newly formed Author Avatar Association has proven to > be the Tom: Cheesiest idea since Ted DiBiase had an evil Santa Claus ambush Bret Hart. > definitive battleground for many of fan-fiction's most notorious > self-inserted personas..." Spock: Ah, the finest examples of human ego. Wonderful. > Michael Cole's voice begins as slow motion footage of Team > Foxfire swaggering to the ring cues up. Joel: Makes sense. A weenie team needs a weenie announcer. > "It is a proving ground where egos are tested and endurance > is pushed to its limit..." Team Foxfire's antics Crow: Who knew they could pull off that Evening Gown match? Spock: I'll assume that you were joking. Crow: Fine, don't believe me. > dissolve to Nav, struggling after his brutal match with Oscar. A split > shot of David "Foxfire" Kintobor and Oscar appears. Tom (Announcer): One's a foxy guy with an ego and a Teleprompter. The other sports dual equipment and has a thing for fur and tails. Will they go ahead with their wedding? Crow: Ewwww. > "Tonight, two bitter rivals, David Kintobor and Oscar, will face each > other to determine who will become the first AAA Virtual > Champion!" > The spectacular maneuvers of Soulstone, Adam Chris Leigh, and > Wolf are shown, Joel: Okay, we've got a gender-bent Scout, a fake descendant to the Jurai throne, and a rat with an overkill problem. Spock: On the Enterprise, that was what we would consider a normal day. Tom: Touche. > as he continues, "Over the past few weeks, these Avatars have dazzled > us with their prowess and pageantry..." Crow: But I did think the re-creation of the Sack Of Rome was a bit much. > Cut to the demented face of Pippkin, triumphant after his assault > against Sting and the rest of his WCW associates, Spock: A rabbit? How dangerous could that be? Crow: You've never seen Monty Python, have you, Antenna Ears? > "But a sinister force has cast his gaze over the AAA, Tom: Bill Clinton took one look at Samantha and just. . . Joel: Tom, stop right there. > and has used it as the center stage for his personal agenda!..." Joel (Pippkin): All right. First on the agenda. . . general looting and pillaging. Think everyone can manage that? > Clips of a mind controlled Bret Hart, Aron Scythe, and the unveiling > of Pippkin's host, Samantha Jones, roll in slow motion. Crow: I f-e-e-l a-s i-f I-'m r-e-a-l-l-y t-h-e-r-e. > "The demented Pippkin has claimed the AAA as his to rule, using > any and all as his pawns." Tom: One would think he at least would have taken a bishop or a knight or two. > The intro closes with a focused Oscar and Kintobor gazing > around, with a faded shot of Pippkin lurking in the background Spock: I believe I'm starting to understand this. Yes, this is all a dream. Joel: Wishful thinking, sir. It's no dream. Spock: Ah, perhaps it's a nightmare, then. > as Michael Cole finishes, "Tonight, not only is the title on the line, > but perhaps the safety of the Multiverse, as well..." Tom (Michael Cole): So this is Weenie-Boy, reminding you all to buckle up for safety, look both ways before you cross the street, and to never watch a match involving Hacksaw Jim Duggan. > Capsule Corporation presents... > OTAKUMANIA!! Spock (raising an eyebrow, deadpan): Can you smell what the Corporation is cooking? Crow (looking thunderstruck): So *that's* where they got that from! > The camera pans the outdoor arena. Joel: Find any gold? > The capacity-filled colosseum encircles a sparring ring with a polished > stone floor. Crow (contestant): Oh, great! Somebody waxed the floooorrrrr! *CRASH!* > Turnbuckles and ropes have been added to the stone ring. A grand > pyrotechnic display signals the beginning of this monumental event. Tom: And now, for an encore, we're going to put down some carpet! > "The Budakan has been the home of several legendary fighters: Spock: Kahless the Unforgettable, Genghis Kahn, Colonel Green . . . Crow: Ah, quit plugging your show, Spock. > Picollo, Krillin, Vegeta, and Goku. It's only fitting that the most > spectacular, greatest fan-fiction fighting event in history be staged Tom (muttering): Key word. . . . staged. > here... Otakumania, the World Series of Self-Insertion!" a tuxedo-clad > Jim Ross begins. Joel: Oh, look. Gorilla Monsoon's weight-replacement announcer got himself a new tuxedo! > "Good evening, everyone! It's been quite a ride to this event, but > we've finally arrived." Spock: And I'll be willing to bet that their luggage didn't quite make it. > "That's right Jimmy," an also-tuxedo-clad Ric Flair added > enthusiastically. "That sick bunny Pippkin did his worst, but the show > has gone on! Tom (Jim Ross): So, what's up next? Joel (Flair): Carrot eating contests. > And I've heard that the *former* head of security, Detective Kiyone, > has something special planned for Mr. Pippkin! WHOOO!" Spock: Should we call an ambulance for him? Crow: Nah, that *was* his ambulance call. Next he'll do a fire truck. > "Very true, Ric," Professor Mike Tenay finished. He too was > in formal gear. "Kiyone knew well enough that villain would be too > much for her staff. Tom: Especially since they were all wearing red shirts. Spock: Are you mocking our show? Tom: Why don't you just play a funeral march on your way to the transporter pads? Saves you a lot of time later. > I've heard she's gotten the help of a special "enforcer" to maintain > order..." Joel: However, I don't think she had "Tinky-Winky" the Teletubby in mind. > Mike is interrupted as the rocking sounds of "Head Cha La" > begin, much to the thrill of the sold-out crowd. Tom: Going to get up and boogie for us, Spock? Spock: Bad back. > Mike's eyes went wide in amazement. "That's the Dragonball Z > theme!" > "Oh my..." JR breathed. "You don't think..." Crow: I'm almost tempted to see an Avatar try and write himself into the Dragonball world, just to watch the pain. > Ric smiled gleefully. "Oh, if that's a hint to who the new > enforcer is, ol' Pippkin is in a whole world of hurt!" Joel: What, Goku performed that Fusion trick with Dean Malenko? > Down the center aisle, Detective Kiyone strode to the ring. > At her side, in a fine dress suit, is the famous Saiyan warrior, > perhaps the most powerful character in existence... Son Goku! Spock: I wonder if he could stand a Vulcan neck-pinch. Crow: Only if you do it down where the shoulder meets the neck. > He greeted the cheering crowd with rather boyish enthusiasm. Tom: Now, if we could just get him to stop tossing Lego blocks to the ringside spectators. > They got into the ring, and Goku took the mic. Joel (typical Diamond Dallas Page interview): Blahblahblahblah . . Scum! BlahBlahBlahBlah . . Hogan. . . BlahBlah . . . BANG! > "I've heard that Miss Kiyone has been having a few rodent > problems," Crow (Kiyone): Smartass mice keep holding sock races. > Goku called out to a joyous cheer. "She told me of the carnage that > this Pippkin has caused. I swear that his madness ends *tonight!*" Tom: Just shove him between your massive pecs and squeeze, Goku. > The fans gave Goku a thunderous ovation as he handed the mic > back to Kiyone. Joel (Kiyone): Thank you, Goku. Here, have a cookie. > "I understood why the Powers That Be took me off as security > head, and was really concerned about my replacement. I'd have to say, > I am *definitely* impressed. Crow (Kiyone): Care to KameHameHa later, Goku-babe? > One major point of concern was the appearance of Marissa Picard at > last week's event. Spock: o_O. Joel: You all right? Spock (quickly composing himself): Logic is the foundation of reason. Reason is an element of control . . . I *am* in control. Logic is the . . . > Now, since she starred in the Sailor Moon crossover "Moondusted", > she can *technically* be here." Tom: Painful memories resurfacing, eh? Spock (calmly): I have never met her. Yet, the rumours do precede her. > This drew a mixed reaction from the crowd. > "Say what you will about Marissa, but she did grind Pippkin's > reign of chaos to a halt last week..." JR notes. Joel: I hear she gave him a speeding ticket and confiscated his beer. > "Yeah, but what if she just replaces it with one of her own?" Mike > replied with a shudder. "You *do* remember what she did to the > Tracke." Tom: Of course we do. We were there! (aside) Which subjugated race were they again? Crow: Wore ribbons in their hair. Made the mistake of attacking her Royal Ice Queeness at the wrong time of the month. > "Plus, from the stories I've heard of Ms. Picard, I think even > Goku here would be pressed to keep her in line," Kiyone continued. Joel: Come on! A fifteen year old girl against a Super-Saiyan? Even Trekkers have some sense of decorum. Spock: I bring up the existence of alt.startrek.creative.erotica. in reply. Joel: Good point. > Goku arched an eyebrow at her teasing. > "But enough announcements," Goku proclaims, "Enjoy the show!" Joel: Sailor Goku says, "Have fun, or else!" > The fight theme from "Project A-Ko" cues up, signaling the > beginning of the opening match-up. > "These two individuals have had an ax to grind since the opening > rounds," Tenay commented. Spock: Ah, I believe this is what you would call a "lumberjack match." Tom: Ever been smacked silly with a herring? > "Both these men have taken quite an interest in young A-Ko > Megami, but their actions in the ring have just intensified their rivalry..." > JR explains. > "And the poor boys actually think that winning this match would > impress her!" Flair cackled gleefully. Joel: Flair? Pot. Kettle. Black. Crow: Come on Joel, that's not fair to Flair. > He learned a long time ago that feats of strength don't impress a > woman who can kick your butt. > Footage of the ending of Myles and Tuxedo Chris's ambush on > Nav after his fight with Craig Vincent rolls as JR notes, Joel (JR): Note to self: Have Michael Cole face Chris in a Tuxedo Match. > "Myles made his feelings toward Bane clear after helping Tuxedo > Chris Caldwell in a blatant assault on Nav." Crow: Nav, however, would have preferred to have been ambushed with a bit more in the way of heavy artillery. > Cut to the following match, Myles vs Takei, where Bane > throttles Myles and delivers the Knightsbane Shoulderbreaker. "And > Bane repaid Myles, and then some!" Flair added. Tom: Just give the change to General Patterson. > As Myles approached the ring, Tenay said, "It appears that > Myles is still feeling the effects of that injury... Spock: Will he be allowed to use that wheelchair in the match? Crow: No, but that's never stopped a single wrestling match in history. > his shoulder is bandaged up." Myles struggled even to get in the ring. > Then the familiar rums of Bill Goldberg's WCW music cued up... > but they announced the entrance of a very different fighter. Crow: Someone who knows more than two moves and a bodyslam? Joel: Someone who doesn't need an armed escort to the ring? > Bane, dressed in his namesake's costume sans mask, strode > purposefully to the ring. > "MAH GOD! Look at him! He's huge!" Ross marveled. All: (look at Tom) Tom: What? All: (wait) Tom: No, I am *not* going to say it! > "Poor Myles is also going to be in the proverbial world of hurt," > Flair chuckled. Spock: I've been there and I've done that, as well. Tom: Did you get a T-shirt while you were there? > "Once again, I feel I have to remind everyone NOT to sell Myles > Buchanan short. He has amazing superstrength..." Crow: Hand him the phone book and he will tear it. Tom: (makes tearing sounds) Crow: And now the second page. > "SHUT UP, TENAY!" Ross and Flair yelled back at him in unison. Joel: Someone get Jesse "The Body" Ventura on the phone. Wrestling needs him! Tom: And there, in the governor's mansion, a lone light still burns. Governor Ventura is meeting with his advisors: Plato, Socrates, and Rugged Ronnie Garvin. > GRUDGE MATCH: > Myles Buchanan vs Bane Crow: All right! Place your bets! Tom: Umm . . Bane. Joel: Bane. Crow: Ditto. Spock? Spock: Vulcans do not . . . gamble. Crow: Okay then, next round. > "Bane's definitely dominating this match..." Ross began, > wincing with each strike Bane made to Myles' wounded shoulder. > Flair, however, seemed very quiet and pensive as he watched. > Eventually, he broke into a rueful smile. Joel (Flair): Yep, it's time I retired forever. And this time it'll last more than a month! Crow: Joel, you're not being fair to Flair. > "... and to think that old trick fooled *me*..." he laughed Tom (Flair): Yep. I'm getting old. Guess it's time to job to Hogan again. > as Bane put Myles into an armbar submission hold. Myles was > wailing pathetically in pain. Joel (Myles): I give! I give! Crow (Bane): But I haven't even finished putting the hold on yet! Joel (Myles): Who cares? I can't stand it any more! > The other two announcers glance quizzically toward each other, > but then resume calling the match. Tom (JR): Got your list of moves there, Tenay? Crow (Tenay): Depends. Does the Huracanrana come before or after the Shooting Star Press? > "Now Bane sends Myles to the ropes... Bane's telegraphing a > back drop..." Ross commented. Spock: *Beep* Joel: Let me guess . . . Spock: I'm telegraphing. *Beep* > "Myles stopped short!" Tenay suddenly exclaimed. Crow: Hey, that's not good for the old equipment there, Myles. > The two announcers gaped as Myles unleashed a flurry of > punches... even with his *bad* shoulder! Tom: What'd he do, rip his own arm off and beat Bane with the shoulder bone? > "Boys, we should've seen that coming from a mile away," Flair > smiled nostalgically. > "That's one of the greatest dirty tricks of all time: the faked injury!" Spock: So? I once took part in the faked *death!* > A few swift kicks toppled the mammoth to one knee. Crow: I didn't know Bane was that hairy. Tom: Well, his nose hairs are long enough to be considered tusks. > "Myles with a flying clothesline, and Bane is down!" JR exclaimed. > "The big man's staggering." Spock: While on his back, apparently. Joel: Either that or he fell on some of the midgets. Crow: Chibi-Kintobor and Chibi-Tuxedo Chris? HAH! > "Myles is charging up..." Tenay said expectantly. Tom: And now we wait twelve hours for the batteries to reach full power! > "... and the HOWLING WOLF BLAST!!" > Bane was sent flying into the turnbuckle by the amazing force of the > blast. Crow: And DJ Croft has entered the fray with his AT Field! > Myles, grinning proudly, played to the crowd... and received > only a chorus boos for his efforts. Tom: Second verse, same as the first. Spock (squinting): What is that sign in the crowd? "Will pump egos for cash"? > "It's too bad that dirty trick won't save Myles," Flair sighed. > "You never, EVER turn your back on somebody that big." Joel: Well, unless you're doing the Flair strut. > Myles began charging another blast as Bane struggled up. Tom: Keep scarfing that cauliflower cheese, Myles. > "A *second* Howling Wolf Blast? Could *anyone* take that?" JR > asked in shock. Spock: We could experiment. Just allow me to retrieve my phaser . . . Crow: Sit down, Spock. You leave when we do. > Myles launched the Howling Wolf Blast, but this time... Joel: Bane had broken out the marshmallows and the weenies. > "Bane took that shot right on the chest! But he's NOT EVEN > PHASED!!" > Tenay screamed. Tom: "The AAA. Good Fighters, Bad Batteries." > After the attack, Bane beat his chest and yelled a mighty war cry. > "It's time to say 'Good night', Myles," Flair grinned. Crow (George Burns): Say Good night, Gracie. > Bane charged and delivered a devastating punch to Myles' stomach, > then whipped him over with a power slam. Spock: Hook the tights. Tom: What? Spock: I said, "Don't get caught tight." > With relative ease Bane hoisted Myles into an Argentian > Backbreaker (a.k.a. the Torture Rack). Joel: And somewhere, Flex Loser is now looking for another finisher. > "Well, you have to give Myles credit... at least he's persistent," Ross > commented as Myles steadfastly refused to submit. Tom (Miles, blandly): Ow . . . quit it. Ow . . . quit it. > "Either that, or the Piggyback Ride of Doom is a stupid move that > doesn't really work," Tenay growled bitterly. Spock: Myles could bring a drink, a good book . . . stay for the day. > Frustrated with the Backbreaker's lack of efficacy, Bane finally > lifted Myles up in a Gorilla Press and, with an impressively light toss, > flipped him around and delivered the Knightsbane Shoulderbreaker for > the victory! Crow: Hole in one! Tom: Steeerike! Joel: And it's outa here! Spock (with tiny pennant): Yay. Crow: Where did you get that? > "Good night, Myles!" the announcers chorused as the three-count > was made. Joel: Just toss McMahon's teddy bear in the ring for him! > "We've got trouble!" Flair announced as the camera cuts to a > furious A-Ko. Tom: Now *there's* a contender for the Women's Title! Crow: Once she's had about ten breast implants. > She leapt the rail and left the VIP area, and looked quite angry. Spock: The ushers must have given her seat away while she was at the concession stand. > Goku stood resolutely in her way. Bane, grinning and confident after > his victory, maneuvered around Goku to greet his red-headed goddess. Joel: Commence ass-kicking, A-ko! > A-Ko, determined to get to the ring, absentmindedly punched Bane out > of the way (and halfway across the arena), Crow: FORE! Spock: It's a good thing he landed in the cheap seats. > and grabbed a mic. > "I want those bastards that kidnaped C-Ko out here *NOW*!" > she shrieked. Tom: *Please* say you want to hold a parade in their honour! > Goku insistently stayed in her way. "Think about what you're > asking, A-Ko-chan!" he pleaded. Joel (Goku): You want a delicious hamburger topped just the way you like it for 99 cents?! We don't have that here! > But her call is already answered as Pippkin, now in his usual > male, well-dressed form, appeared at the entrance way. Crow: If he begins singing "Putting on the Ritz," I'm going to scream. > He held the hand of a rather pretentious-looking (and disturbingly hollow-eyed) Samantha, dressed in a long indigo dress. Spock: Our model Samantha is wearing the latest in the "Evil" (TM) line. > Flanking the duo is Agent Q and Aron Scythe. Goku firmly stood > ground between A-Ko and Pippkin's minions, too much of a > roadblock for either of them go through. Tom: He'd be more intimidating if he didn't have that flashing red light on his head. > "Bring it on, monkey boy!" Aron Scythe hollered frantically. > "Please, Aron, be courteous," Samantha scolded smugly. "The > young dear wants to talk with us." Crow (Aaron): Yes, Mum. > "Oh, just look at that! That's... that's completely disgusting!" Ross > spat angrily into his head set. Joel: Yeah, green pumps do not go with that dress, I'll agree. > "Her eyes... Just look at her eyes!" Tenay breathed in horror. > "She looks like she's dead inside." > "She probably *is*. This had got to be a sad day for Jamie Jeans," > Flair said, showing a rare display of true emotion. Tom (Flair): Well, enough of that. Someone get me another beer! > In the crowd, a green turban-wrapped head popped out of the > crowd. Spock: I think something just fell out of the crowd. Tom: What is this, Eight Heads in a Duffle Bag? > The Namek warrior Piccolo was in a rage, utterly shocked at what > Pippkin had done to his co-MiSTier. It took Vegeta and Krillin to > hold the berserk Namek back. Crow (Piccolo): Don't hold me back! Don't hold me back! Guys, you're not holding me back hard enough! > "By all means," Pippkin called gently as he approached A-Ko, > "What do you wish to know? I am in the business of enlightenment, > after all. Joel: The meaning of life? Crow (Pippkin): 42. Joel: How they get the Caramel inside the Caramilk bar? Tom (Pippkin): Oh, too easy. Joel: Where fanfic authors go after getting their stories half-done? Spock: A small village on Mars just outside the capital city, Awooble. > I released Miss Jones from a purgatory of fiendish fiction. When > his "best friend" deserted him in Hong Kong two years ago, I *alone* > saved Agent Q and gave him safe passage back to America. Tom (Pippkin): Along with another mouse named Fivel. > And sweet Mr. Scythe... he was constantly played like a puppet by his > conniving hag of a manager, Anne Brandies! Crow: One more crack like that about Ms. Brandies and she'll play your head like a gong with a steel chair. > So you see, Miss Megami, I am merely here to help." Spock: He will shovel your driveway, vacuum your pets, and scrub your floors. Joel: Does he do windows? Spock: Why, yes. Yes, I believe he does! > "Just liked you *helped* Samantha and C-Ko!" A-Ko cried. > "And what about all the people you've hurt?" Tom (Pippkin): Oh, that impeachment thing was all a misunderstanding! As for bringing 60's TV shows to the movie screen, perhaps that *was* a bit hasty. > "My dear, I must beg forgiveness for such loathsome actions. > Violence seems to be only language that those in control can > understand. Crow (Pippkin): Please see a map of Eastern Europe for further reference. > Those such as the Powers That Be..." > "I don't believe this!! Pippkin just insulted the forces that > oversee this dimension!" JR fumed. Spock: I believe the phrase is, "Do not taunt happy fun PTB." Crow: Otherwise they will become the Righteously-Cheesed-Off PTBs. > Flair shushed him, wanting to hear the rest of Pippkin's speech. > Whatever it was, Ric was sure it wouldn't be good. Joel (Flair): Note to self: Try to steal at least one evil catch phrase in preparation for my next heel turn. > Pippkin smiled as he looked entrancingly up to A-Ko. "... and > B-Ko Daitokuji." > A-Ko gasped in recognition, and suddenly seemed more attentive > to Pippkin's soothing words. Tom (Pippkin): Good, good. Now, all of you should take some notes on this dazzling multimedia presentation, as I'll be quizzing you later! > Goku looked very, very nervous. > "I've heard the tales, A-Ko. All the fights, all the property destruction > as a result of your rather frivolous feud with B-Ko. Spock: What are they feuding over? Crow: Another girl. One that whines all the time, cooks badly, and is as annoying as fingernails on a chalkboard. Spock: That would appear to be . . . illogical. Tom: Yeah, but that's anime. Don't you just love it? > Just once, wouldn't it be nice to enjoy a normal, peaceful day, like any > teenaged girl would? I'm sure you would give...*anything*, for such a > privilege." Joel: Tell you what, Pippkin. You keep C-ko and we'll call the whole thing even. > A-Ko was absolutely enthralled by the rabbit's tone and soft blue > eyes. Tom: Awww, look at him twitch his little nose! Crow (Cadbury Bunny): *buwk buwk buwk buwk buwk bawk!* > "I can make a life without B-Ko a reality. I... can set you free." Spock: Yes, but can you bring peace to the galaxy, fix a teleporter while in the midst of a space storm, and fight off a dozen alien warships at the same time? Joel: Any one of the kids in the back there could do that and still find time to make a pot of damn good coffee. > Pippkin had been slowly moving forward the whole time, now directly > beside of Goku. The rabbit extended a hand gingerly to the > bewildered girl. Tom: Good gravy! Goku's been fixed! > A-Ko was hesitant at his offer, and as she was about to take his > hand... Spock (priest): I now pronounce you married, you may kiss the bride, and enjoy the salad bar. > "Girl, I know a guy called Raven who spouts the exact side kinda > CRAP!! It's all lies from *him*, and it's all lies NOW!!" Crow (A-ko): But it's really GREAT crap! > The crowd exploded into a thunderous roar as they recognized the > peculiar Jersey/Southern accent of the unseen speaker. > The outburst broke Pippkin's spell, and A-ko backed hastily away > from the rabbit, holding her head. Joel (A-ko): Must resist . . . Easter commercialism . . . > "No!," Pippkin growled in choked anger. "Not him, not now..." Tom (Elmer Fudd): Found you, you wascally wabbit! > The crowd thundered in cheers as a very familiar pro-wrestler > stepped literally out of nowhere to stand behind Pippkin's minions, > smirking smugly. Spock (Lenny Henry): That's not a human being; that's a smirk on legs! Tom: Since when were you a comedian, Spock? > "MAH GOD!!" JR screamed. "That's Diamond Dallas Page!!" Crow: And his sidekick, Super Folding Chair! > Samantha and Aron were so totally under Pippkin's control that > the demented rabbit didn't even have to command his minions to > attack. Joel: Although he was forced to ask politely and promise them a wage increase. > However, the two newcomers were forced stop short when a pair of > shimmering pink energy orbs slammed down right in front of them. Tom: It's the Attack of the Everlasting Gobstoppers! > The orbs exploded spectacularly, kicking up a huge cloud of dust. > When the dust finally settled, yet another familiar figure had emerged > out of nowhere to stand beside Page. Spock: Look, it appears to be that man who drives a Nissan in those ancient Earth commercials. > "Sweet Jesus! IT'S BRET HART!!" Tenay cried joyfully. Crow: Wrong-o, Spocky-boy. It's the man who's forced to flog crappy pizza to boost his flagging ego in those ancient Earth commercials! > "And what the hell is he doing?!" Flair exclaimed, suddenly jumping > out of his seat to get a better view. Tom (Flair): He's waving a slice of Pizza around! > "Mah God..." Ross breathed. "Hart's learned how to contrive > super-powers too!" Joel (JR): As well as extra pepperoni! How does he do it? > Samantha and Aron broke and ran towards Pippkin as Page and > Bret began to charge up their power auras (blue and hot pink, > respectively). Tom (Page): I'll bet you're gay! Spock (Hart): No, I'm not. > Goku had made a point of shielding the shocked and confused A-Ko, > but had not otherwise tried to interfere. Joel: Well, no way is this professional wrestling, then. Tom: Hold on, I'm still picturing A-ko dating Goku. > "Feel the noise!" Page called out as he formed his hands into the > famous Diamond Cutter symbol. "DIAMOND EXPLOSION!" > A crackling blue bolt of energy shot out from the 'diamond' formed by > his hands. Crow: Fire phasers! Spock: I sense great sarcasm. > "And the Excellence of Execution!" Bret added as he charged > another pair of neon-pink energy orbs in his hands. "SHARP SHOT!" Joel & the bots: (laugh themselves silly.) Joel: Face it, Bret. Not everything sounds good in the ring. Crow: Like the time Owen bragged about kicking his leg out of his leg? > He flung the shimmering blasts of pink energy, which swerved > unerringly towards his foes. > "God, that sounds so *dumb*," he muttered tiredly to himself as he > began trying to summon up the strength for a third attack. Crow: About as dumb as claiming Canadians tune in to the WCW to watch you whine, Bret. > "Well, you have to yell *something*," Page replied. "Just > concentrate on keeping them pinned down!" Joel (Page): Here, take this hoe and this large glass of water to help you! > Samantha and Aron were almost cowering behind Pippkin as the > energy attacks exploded around them. "Q!" the psycho-rabbit yelled > angrily. Spock: Oh, no. Not *him.* > "We've got some nuisances to deal with! Go...GYAH!!!" Pippkin > couldn't help but scream as he saw his bodyguard felled by a running > tackle from none other than Wolf! Joel (Pippkin): Where the hell is Kevin Costner or Kevin Nash when you need them? > "Now where the hell did *he* come from?" Flair exclaimed in awed > confusion. Tom: The mind of a fanfiction writer with no originality. Next? > Wolf, who was inexplicably wearing a headset now, was already > beating the sinister super-soldier rodent into the ground. Crow (Wolf): You like cheese, do you? Here! Stuff yourself with it! > Then Wolf grabbed Q and set him up for a familiar maneuver... Spock: The Dreaded Rear Admiral? > "He's not going to...MAH GOD!" JR hollered. Spock: I take it this Jim Ross person says those words a lot. > "Wolf just bounced him off the *stone* floor with his AK-47!!" > Ric exclaimed gleefully. "WHOO!!" Crow: Now, Ric's a thinking man. He's already giving the ambulance call. > Wolf put a hand to his headset and uttered something into it. > Two "doors" of energy immediately unfolded in the air, Joel: Look, it's the doorway to fanfic heaven! Spock: You mean, a world where everything is written by Peter David? All: (look at Spock oddly.) Spock (raising one eyebrow): What? > one behind Wolf, the other behind Bret and Page. All three attackers > disappeared through the portals, leaving a dazed Samantha and Aron, > a *very* unconscious Agent Q, Crow: He's even got little wedges of Swiss Cheese spinning around his head. > and an enraged Pippkin, who was yanking his own ears in frustration! Tom: *YANK!* (Pippkin): Hey, where'd all my chest hair disappear to? > "What was that? Who was Wolf talking to?" JR looked expectantly > to Tenay for answers. > "Umm... the language was Japanese, but I don't know enough to > tell you what he said," Tenay said with a shrug. Joel (Tenay): I'm sorry, JR, but the contract between our two companies says that I can't tell you anything important, only useless information. > "In any case, it looks like Wolf has acquired some powerful allies." > Kiyone casually approached the disaster scene at the entranceway. > "Is there a problem?" she asked with a smirk. Crow (Kiyone): If so, gimme a Hell Yeah! > "HELL YES, THERE'S A PROBLEM!" Samantha shrieked, > "We just got attacked and Q is down! We need help!" > "Right, fetching medical help...immediately," Kiyone responded > with a knowing grin, as she and her cadets strolled into action. Tom (Kiyone): All right, first you have to fill this form out in triplicate, then have it taken back to Earth and validated, then come back here for the proper postage, then mail it to Galaxy Police HQ . . . > An outraged Pippkin ran to confront Goku. The Saiyan stood > solidly and fearlessly in front of the mad rabbit. Crow (King Arthur): Where's the monster? Behind the rabbit? Joel (Tim the Sorceror): It *is* the rabbit! Crow (King Arthur): You silly sot! > "What the hell was THAT!?" Pippkin swore. "You didn't do > *anything*! You're here to *prevent* attacks like that!" Pippkin > shoved Goku in frustration, Spock: Goku immediately performed the "Twisted Mister" routine in response. > with no results. His voice's volume increasing in rage, he punctuated > his next tirade with finger jabs into Goku's broad chest. Tom (Goku thinking): Oh, just for appearances' sake. *Ahem* . . . "Ow." > Pippkin got into Goku's face and yelled "You're *supposed* to > *stop* this *kind* of--" At the forth jab, Goku grabbed Pippkin's paw > and began slowly squeezing it. Crow (Paid Program Host): Introducing the *new* Pulp-o-matic! How much would you pay? > Then the mighty Saiyan lifted Pippkin casually off the floor until he > could glare into the rabbit's eyes without looking down. Joel (Goku): Be vewy vewy quiet. I'm gonna wip your head off! > Pippkin winced in pain as Goku locked his cold stare on the little > fiend. Tom: Any bets on how far Pippkin's head would roll if Goku did knock it off his shoulders? > "Well, I guess they just slipped through." Goku coldly noted, > as he released Pippkin's wounded hand and dropped him to the floor. Crow (Goku): I'll go and get some chicken wire. Would that help? > Pippkin nearly went into another tantrum as Goku turned away to > escort A-Ko back to her seat. Joel (Pippkin): IT'S NOT FAAAAAIIIRRR! I'm the one who's supposed to strike fear and loathing in people's hearts! > But the rabbit regained some composure as he shot hateful looks at > the retreating enforcer. > "This is *quite* inconvienient," Pippkin growled. Tom (Pippkin): Call City Hall and get me the mayor. I want another 7-Eleven closer to my house! > "Samantha, you have a match to prepare for. After that, if such > *inconvieiences* continue..." Pippkin glares out into the audience, and > then smiled wickedly. Spock: Let me guess, he will disrupt every kind of tense known to man? Crow: Yeah, I heard something about an isomiatic flux stream. Or was that a quantum energy beam? So many weapons, so little technobabble. Spock: Very humorous. > "Then we switch to Plan B..." Joel (Pippkin): Get the sheep and the cranberry jelly ready. > CUT TO A COMMERCIAL... Tom (Announcer): DO YOU WEAR DENTURE PLATES? > [Scene Shows a Self-Instertion Soda in the background and David > Kintobar in the foreground] Crow (Announcer): Your choices are: Self-Insertion Soda, David Kintobor, or the Tardis disguised as a Porsche. Now, what will it be, the food, the sex, or the travel? Joel: Uhh, the Tardis! Crow: That's right! > Kintobar: Hello, Good folks! I'm here to tell you about Self-Insertion > Soda. Spock (standing): My name is David Kintobor and I was a self-insertion character. All: Hi David! > It's packed with 3 gallons of nutrasweet and TASSTTTEES GREAT!! Joel: And another cereal mascot is weeping at the ripoff of their tag line. >And plus, when you drink it, you get Ego points! Here's what you can > get with the Ego Point System. Tom: A boxing score that makes Don King look honest in comparison? > [Scene Switch: Crystal Tokyo. Shows Oscar.] > Oscar: I drink Self-Insertion Soda Everyday! Crow (Announcer): Tom, your choices are: A Sprite soft-drink, Artemis, or a pair of tennis. What'll it be? Tom: I'm going to say . . . Sprite! Crow: Exactly! > And with the points I collect, I can get my own book, "Oscar for > Dummies", printed for *only* 30 points! But you must the "Gloating" > skill first. Spock: I would love a book on the Academy Awards. > [Scene Switch: Tuxedo Chris with Sailor Moon and Mars. He is > hugging them both.] > Chris: I used to be a loser until I had Self-Insertion Soda! Crow: Spock, your choices are: Sushi, Sailor Mars, or an airplane. Do you want the food, the sex, or the car? Spock: . . . . I don't want to eat, mate, or drive any of those things. Crow: *BUZZ* I'm so sorry, but that's wrong. The right answer is, of course, Sailor Mars. > Now that I collect points from it, I can get another gal for *only* 50 > points! Joel: Since when is Gainax just giving them away? > [Scene Switch: DJ Croft from Neon Exodus Evagelion with EVA-01 > behind him] > DJ: I used to be a loser until I had Self-Insertion soda. Tom: Crow, your turn. You have: Instant Ramen, Misato, or EVA-01. What will it be? Crow: Ooh, ooh! Misato! Tom: *BUZZ* No, the answer is EVA-01. Crow: Oh, come on! > Now I am a subject of the British Crown and NERV's top EVA pilot! > Also, with the points I collect, I can get Asuka to myself for *only* 40 > points! Tom: Asuka is not going to be happy to hear that she's been sold for so cheap. > [Scene Switch: Back to first scene] > Kintobar: So there you have it. Spock: A waste of carbonation? > I drink Self-Insertion soda and now I can make even LONGER > speeches!! Crow (Kintobor): And when the bad guys fall in a coma, I *kill* them until they die from it! > And then I can have a automatic word speech maker of my very own > for *only* 70 points! Drink Self-Insertion Now!! Tom: It goes down smooth, but boy, does it come back to haunt you! > Disclaimer Dude: You get .0000000001 point per can. May harm your > self-ego. Joel: Or cause untold suffering to millions. Your choice. > The show returns to the commentator's booth. JR drops back > into his seat, awe-struck. Spock: Is that a can of Self-Insertion Soda by his elbow? > "Folks, after the Bane/Myles bout, the most effective assault... > hell, the ONLY effective assault I've seen on Pippkin's forces > occurred!" JR said, utterly amazed. Crow: But I don't think a smacking about the head and shoulders with something wet and soggy was what was called for. > Ric was thrilled as he added, "It's about time somebody finally > got to that rabbit-bastard! Pippkin got a taste of his own medicine! Tom: Buckley's cough syrup. "Open your mouth and say, @#!$!" >It was a brilliant sneak-attack that made this Horseman proud! > WHOOO!" Joel: Somewhere in the crowd, a bull moose is looking for the source of that mating call. > "Indeed, Ric!" Tenay agrees, "It looks as if the ever-persistent > Wolf orchestrated this attack, and I, for one, hope that he has more > tricks planed for Pippkin!" Spock: Once you can tear him away from his carpentry. Tom (Wolf): Yep, just building a box to saw that bunny in half! > The announcers were interrupted as Helmet & House of Pain's > "Just Another Victim" fired up over the system... Crow (singing): Just another victim / of the system . . . > JR noted with a hint of sarcasm, "It looks like we're in for > another visit from the *lovely* Anne Brandies..." > "I don't think so, JR," Ric interrupted. "She looks like she's > ready for a fight!" Joel: Either that or ready for a date with George "The Animal" Steele. > A focused Anne Brandies (better known as Anne Arky to the > NPWA fans) slowly maed her way down to ringside. Tom (cowboy): Betty Mae, get me a ringside seat for tonight's heavyweight championship of the world. > She was dressed in her ring gear, wrestling boots and a black singlet > (much like Owen Hart's pre-NOD outfit). Joel: Oh, before he became the walking street sign. > Anne grabbed the microphone and began to speak... > "Listen up fans! Now in case you didn't notice, I ain't dressed > for guest commentary tonight! I'm dressed for a FIGHT! Spock: Excellent call, Mr. Flair. Did you read the script beforehand? > Ya see, Samantha, after your match with Adam Chris Leigh, I'm callin' > you out. You and me are gonna have the bloodiest, toughest, most > hardcore street fight in history! 'Bots: Oh please! Crow: More hardcore than Mankind? Tom: More hardcore than Al Snow? Crow: More hardcore than Hardcore Holly? Tom: Crow, *ice cream* is more hardcore than Hardcore Holly. > That's right, Sammy! If you're up to it, and not a coward > like your new *boss*, you an' me are gonna get jiggy wit it!" Spock: Does that mean they're going to fight? Joel: I understand that she's dressed for it. > Tenay buried his face in his hands and moaned in agony. "I can't > believe she used that *phrase*..." Joel: No worse than hearing the Undertaker start a speech with "Klaatu, Verata, Nikto." > "Sorry, Samantha, but if this is the only way to knock some sense > into ya... well, then that's just how it's gonna be," Anne finished. Crow (Jack Nicholson): What if this is as good as it gets? > Then she dropped her microphone and headed into the back, a > confident grin on her face... > "That was a major bombshell, guys!" Tenay exclaimed. "A > challenge! Tom: No, Sable is a major bombshell. Joel: One without an ounce of actual wrestling talent. Crow: And your problem with this is . . . ? > We might see Anne "Arky" Brandies and Samantha Jones face > off *tonight*!" > "But before that, though, we've got a special tag-team match," > JR noted. Spock: Please, let it not be the midgets again. > Ric sneered as he said "Yes, that *fine gentleman* Tuxedo > Chris has decided to team-up with *The Mally Award Winning God* > Taruchi--" Joel: Well, at least that's one title Flair won't be able to win. Crow: Now, that's just not fair to Flair. They should give him an honorary one! > "What's with the title?" Tenay asked, for once the clueless one. > "Apparently, the faster-than-light god feels like he hasn't been > getting enough attention," JR answered. Tom: If he'd slow down long enough for us to see him, we'd gladly pelt him with garbage for you. > "Anyway, T-MAWG Taruchi and Tux-boy will be going up > against Soulstone and her mystery partner. Joel: Known only as T-REX. Crow (Scott Hall): Is it the Immortal Huckster?? Heh. . . > And Soulstone is a lady who's been through a world of pain > recently..." Flair trailed off. Spock: That would be the world where Al Gore writes fanfiction. > Cut to footage from the opening round, where Soulstone is > transmogrified. "Well, her troubles began when she *became* female > at the hands of Tuxedo Chris during his fight with General Patterson" > JR's voice-over commented. Tom: And the trouble from having to switch over from boxers to panties just really didn't ride well with her. > "Over the past week, Soulstone seems to have grown > accustomed to her new form, Joel: Rei Hino's been teaching her how to kick butt while wearing red pumps. > and has used her newly-gained feminine wiles as an effective weapon." > Tenay added as footage showed Soulstone distracting Tuxedo Chris > with a revealing clothes, causing him a loss to Kintobor. Crow: I hear Chris tried to do the same thing at her last match. He came out in a thong and all oiled up. Spock: What happened? Crow: He slipped on the grease halfway down the ramp and knocked himself out. > "But the lowest shot was after her Blue Thunder loss to our > Tux-Boy wannabe," Ric growled, as shots of Chris "redressing" > Soulstone for their date played. Tom: No, the lowest shot was when the Godfather added her into his Ho Train. > "We all got a good glimpse at what ploys that *gentleman* uses to > win the ladies. Joel: Mr. Spock, how do you win the ladies? Spock: I simply stand around and look disinterested. Crow: Much like you're doing now, except you're sitting. Spock: Precisely. > Fortunately, the one and only Destroyer stopped his perverted plan." > The backstory ends with shots of a paralyzed, terrified Soulstone > in the arms of Tuxedo Chris, just as Nav ambushes him. Tom (Nav): Merry Christmas, Moonies! Napalm for everyone! > "Even worse," JR interrupted, "That letch had the gall to > confront Soulstone and her creator at Club Anipike after the > match-up!" Crow: Thankfully, the kitchen staff knew enough to serve Chris the Western "Special". > As the trio discussed the upcoming match, a young > anthropomorphic mouse woman approached the booth. Joel: Maybe she's here to protest the sponsorship by the Mouse Trap game makers. > She stood roughly 4 feet tall, and wore a conservative dark blue dress > with her blonde hair pulled back. > Ric greeted the young lady with true Nature Boy style. Tom: He did a Flair Flop, right? >"Ah, it seems we have a guest...namely the scene-stealing Miss Gadget > Hackwrench of 'Chip n' Dale's Rescue Rangers'. It's a pleasure to > have you here!" Crow: Now I've seen everything. JR commentating with a mouse. Tom: Hey, I've seen a Gorilla do commentary with a Weasel . Crow: Good point. > "Gee, thanks Mr. Flair," Gadget smiled shyly at him. "I've been > assigned to help you guys commentate, though I haven't done this > before." Spock: And I have never engaged in certain . . . indiscretions, but that does not stop the fanfiction authors from writing about it. Crow: But you're not bitter. > "Don't worry, Gadget," Tenay comforted her. "It's not really a > hard job. Heck, JR and Ric manage to do it..." Tenay trailed off > as he felt his fellow announcers glaring at him. Tom: Witty dialogue like this makes me long for Bobby "The Brain" Heenan to resume his old ways. Spock (mildly): Humanoid. > "Ahem, ah... right now, though, I'm going back stage to find some > info on the Pippkin situation." > Tenay cordially offered his chair to Gadget, and then took off for > the back. Crow: If we're lucky, he'll annoy David Kronos and get himself moondusted. > JR asked, "Well, I'm sure a lovely young girl like yourself has had > some problems with unwanted attention during your stay in > Neo-Tokyo, right Miss Hackwrench?" Joel: Aside from being chased by Luna and Artemis? > "Oh, definitely!" she replied with a sigh. "And I thought Chip and > Dale were bad! That weirdo Oscar hit on me my first night here, Tom: I hope she stuffed him in a trash can with some elephants and banged the lid on tightly. > and don't *even* get me started on Jonathan Brisby..." > Ric interrupted, "How about Wolf? He seems to be pretty solid." Crow: Someone put quick dry cement in his moisturizer. > "Mr. Flair, when he first joined our team, he was on this > aggressive, super-soldier kick for weeks. He got much better after we > and the gang got to know him. Spock: And after keeping him away from movies starring Kurt Russell, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Sylvester Stallone. Joel: How do you know so much about 20th-century movies? Spock: Mandatory course. "Why the Century Sucked." > He's a nice guy, but the whole commando trip... it just isn't my thing." Tom: She prefers those trips to Hawaii! > The Tuxedo Chris version of "I'm Too Sexy" began to play, and > the audience rained boos (and trash) down upon Tuxedo Chris as he > entered. Crow: *BONK* (Chris) Ow . . . hey, two for one coupon at the Tie Rack! > He is flanked by Taruchi, wearing blue flowing robes and clutching his > Silver Mally, and a much less enthusiastic Sailor Molly. Tom (Molly): I'm supposed to be the Silver one! What's Mally got that Molly hasn't? > Soulstone's orchestrated theme comes on to a thunderous > ovation. She strode with purpose to the ring, but... Crow (Costello): She jumped into the ring, tossed her robe off, and the crowd let out a terrific roar! Spock (Abbott): What happened? Crow (Costello): She forgot to put on her pants. > "It looks like Soulstone and her manager General Patterson are > having an argument," JR noted as the camera zoomed in closer to hear > what was said. Tom: You don't zoom in a camera for better sound. You send a mic in for better sound! > "I can't believe you chose him! I know you're upset, but *surely* > there was a..." Patterson stopped as Soulstone turned her intense, > steel blue eyes to him. Joel: Go chokeslam yourself into a locker, Patterson. > "Patterson," she sneered, "After what that bastard did to > me..." Soulstone had to stop, practically trembling with rage. Tom: No thanks to Patterson, if I remember correctly. > "After what he *could have* done to me last week, I *will* see him > go down tonight!" Crow: Not on you, hopefully. Spock (blinking): What was that? Joel: Ignore him. It's better that way. > With that, she marched to the ring, a dumbstruck Patterson > returning back to the dressing rooms. Tom (Patterson): Ah well, gotta go and keep Happosai away from her stuff. > Chris has gained control of the mic by the time Soulstone > entered the ring. Joel (Chris): Let's see . . . I, uh, hello? *WOOOOO!* Darn feedback. > "So tell me, where *is* this shining knight that will best > myself and the Light God? Just who is this *brave* soul who you have > chosen to 'regain your honor'?" Spock: He is simply known as, "Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Fic." > Tuxedo Chris taunted, receiving a series of insults from around the > colosseum. > Soulstone, unperturbed, took off her trenchcoat and laid it over a > turnbuckle. Joel: It was then immediately stolen by Keanu Reeves for his ever-growing collection. > Then she turned toward Chris and Taruchi. She leaned casually > against her corner, and looked up with a knowing grin... Tom (Ringside waiter): Can I get you anything? Some fresh-squeezed orange juice, perhaps? > Then the distinctive sirens and guitars played, and the > crowd erupted in wild cheers. > Gadget and JR glanced at each other, absolutely astounded. > Ric just looked on, beaming a beatific smile. Joel (Flair): God bless you all, in the name of the Suplex, the Slam, and the Figure-Four leglock! WHOOOO! > "No way..." JR uttered. > "Oh my..." Gadget gasped. > "Oh, *yeah*," Ric concluded with a sly grin. Crow (Flair): Hendrix, baby, Hendrix! > Signs like "The Destroyer: Who's Next?", "The People's > Champ!" and "Super-powers? Gimme a f'n chaingun!" sprouted up as > Nav strode down the ring. Crow (Secrets Revealed): What actually happens is, before the night begins, the producers leave the signs on the chairs for the audience to pick up. > Along with his usual ring attire (camo pants and tank top), The > Destroyer wore a black plastic knee brace and carried an aluminum > bat in his arms. Tom: So he's got Stone Cold's knee brace and Sting's bat. Who does this guy think he is, Chris Jericho? > "Golly! He's still injured from his last match!" Gadget exclaimed. > "Should he be fighting?" > "Probably not, but sanity has never really played a large role in > Nav's life," JR replied. Spock: It never played a part in popular entertainment, for that matter. > Flair grinned even wider. "Nav's just proving how tough he is... > even when he's injured, he won't stay out of the ring!" Joel: The cleaning crews just have to mop around his cot and campstove. > Tuxedo Chris and Taruchi scrambled out of the ring, as Nav > (completely ignoring his partner) walked by and climbed a turnbuckle > to play to the crowd. Crow (Nav): Nothing up my sleeves . . . Presto! Tom (ChibiChibi): Chibi! Crow (Nav): *KABOOM* Wrong hat. > His raised his arms as he silently grinned down at the fans, who > immediately broke out into a thunderous "NAV! NAV!" chant. Joel: Off in a dark corner of the arena, one lone voice could be heard singing the Moonlight Densetsu theme song. 'Bots (singing): Gomei nei sunama jama kunte... > "WHAT IN ODIN HAVE YOU GOTTEN ME INTO!?!" > T-MAWG Taruchi hollered, throttling Chris by his tuxedo collar. > "You didn't say *he'd* be here!" Tom (Taruchi): Do you realize that he won the *Nav* award last year? > "There's no way he could have, after what Oscar did to..." Chris' > explanation was interrupted as Soulstone and Nav, after springing off >the ropes, leapt out of the ring and crashed onto the two hapless > Avatars! > "MAH GOD! Beautiful double suicide dive!" JR marveled. Crow: Yeah, Chris is sucking guardrail right about now. > "I know Nav is a good fighter, but is going to be able to work with > Sailor Soulstone? She's a moonie, right?" Gadget asked. Spock: I believe the saying is, "Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows." Tom: Careful. Tuxedo Chris means just that. > "The enemy of my enemy is my friend, at least until he's my enemy > again," Ric sagely replied. Joel: Hey, Flair just said something wise and un-self-promoting! Crow: Yep, you're looking at the REAL World's Champion there. > TAG-TEAM CHALLENGE: > Soulstone and Nav vs Tuxedo Chris and The Mally Award-Winning > God Taruchi Crow: Okay, bets! Tom: Nav and Soulstone. Joel: Ditto. Crow: Okay, me too. Spock, if you disagree, we could win some money. Spock: I believe I will restrain myself. > Outside the ring, Nav began stomping down on Tuxedo Chris, > while Soulstone launched Taruchi into the railing. Joel: Yes, and Tuxedo Chris is doing a fine impersonation of a heap of clothes left out for the Good Will truck. > "This is completely bizarre! Nav is holding Tuxedo Chris and... > high kick in the face from Sailor Soulstone!!" Ross said. > "Now the fight's goin' into the ring... Tom (muttering): Unlike most of the fights in the WWF. > it looks like Taruchi and Sailor Soulstone to start," Flair continued. >She attempted to launch several strikes at him, Crow: But the launch codes were being fought over by George Clooney, Jackie Chang, and Jean-Claude Van Damme. > but Taruchi was a blur as he nimbly dodged her blows, then grabbed > her and launched her across the ring with a monkey flip throw. Tom: Hey, the Powers That Be are "launching" a lot of stuff! I think they're about ready to "Blast off!" Joel: And what does that mean? Tom: Got me. It just sounded really rude. > "Taruchi's much better than I thought he'd be! If Oscar beat him so > easily, then there's no way Kintobor can win!" Gadget commented, > quickly getting a feel for her new job. Joel: Ahh, dear Gadget. It all comes down to one thing in the AAA. Ego. > "Tuxedo Chris seems to be very happy with his partner's > performance... Spock (Chris applauding): Author! Author! Crow: Trying to coax the author out of hiding? Spock: It would help to have a clean shot. > and Sailor Soulstone just made the tag to Nav! Now there's > something I never thought I'd hear myself say," JR said. Tom: How about, "Do you have this in a small?" > "Come on, Nav! You can do better than that!" Flair said markishly > as even the Destroyer was overwhelmed by Taruchi's speed. Crow (Road Runner): Meep Meep! > A swift dropkick from T-MAWG sent Nav flying into a neutral > corner. Taruchi followed with a brutal combination of strikes. > "Good thing the robo-ref is making Taruchi back away from > Nav! He looks hurt!" Gadget said. Joel: All the better for Tuxedo Chris to choke him with a foreign object, my dear. > "But it'll take more than some sissy PAIN to stop HIM!! WHOO!" > Flair cheered as Nav suddenly pulled himself up and launched into > Taruchi with a spear-style takedown. He proceeded to pound on > Taruchi. Tom: Now show him he's number one and shout that cookie recipe at him, Nav! > "Now Nav with a German suplex... and another... and another!! Crow (Biker): Hold it, hold it. Wanna try this side? Joel (Burt Reynolds): Sure. *CLANK!* > And now a Dragon Suplex for a two count! Who knew Nav could > wrestle?" > JR marveled. > Flair looked a bit teary-eyed as he watched all this. "Chris Benoit > would be proud." Crow: Then again, Benoit did make that cameo appearence in Oscar's "Sailor Moon Vs. The WWF." He's probably been training the Avatars. > "Now Taruchi is tagging in Tuxedo Chris, while Nav tags in Sailor > Soulstone! They're finally in the ring together!" Gadget enthused. > Flair and JR couldn't help but stare at her; she was actually GOOD at > this. Tom: I suppose after Tony Schiovane, Jim Cornette, and Jerry Lawler, we'd love to have anyone do commentary. > "Now these two bitter foes are in the ring nose-to-nose..." Ross > began as Chris and Soulstone taunted each other. Joel: But. . . Soulstone really *does* wear combat boots! > "... and Soulstone with an uppercut! Hit him again! Hit him again!" > Flair cheered. > Soulstone whipped him into the ropes and delivered a swift > dropkick. Spock (with game controller): Now, how do I bounce my own wrestler off the other ropes? I tried pushing the "run" button . . . Crow (leaning over): Well, you have to hold down the direction you're running in, then push this button to do a running clothesline. . . . > "MAH GOD!! Now Soulstone with a powerslam! A *good* > powerslam! That's incredible strength!" Ross said > Then she launched Chris into the ropes and attempted a clothesline. > However, Chris narrowly sidestepped. Spock: See? I can't seem to do a clothesline properly. I've tried everything. Joel: You just need some more practice. We'll look at the manual later, all right? > "What?!" Gadget exclaimed. "He's pulling her hair! That can't be > legal!" > "It may be legal, but it's sure as hell not *right*," Flair growled in > reply as Chris used his advantage to force Soulstone to the ground. Crow: As Bobby Heenan used to say, "It's only cheating if you get caught!" > JR glanced at his co-commentator, and saw a very dangerous glint > forming in the Nature Boy's eye. Tom: Go on, Flair. Get in that ring and show us what the oldest guy in wrestling can still do. You were champion even before Hogan began losing his hair! > "Soulstone is enraged... who wouldn't be? But Chris still has > the advantage, and he's backing Soulstone into the corner with an > absolute flurry of punches and kicks..." Ross began. Joel: Now this is what wrestling is all about. Two athletes at the peak of physical perfection, trying to outwit each other in a ring of combat. > "Eww! He just copped a feel! And again, he did it again!" Gadget > screamed. Joel: *Or* it can just be a big pile of crap, such as now. Tom: Or when Terri Runnels is around ringside. > Ross groaned as he saw Chris take opportunities to 'touch' > Soulstone with every punch and kick he delivered. "That is absolutely > disgusting!" he exclaimed. Crow: Therefore Vince MacMahon will immediately steal the idea and use it for himself next Monday night to boost his ratings. > Ross glanced over to see Ric's face slowly turning red in silent rage. > "Well, Soustone is down, and I'm not sure if it's pain or shock," > Ross continued. Spock: And . . . what is that mouse doing? Tom: Oh, that's something the Anime world calls Hammerspace. Looks like they got a new shipment of mallets in, too. Boy, the BFMallet 9000 is popular with the ladies. > Tuxedo Chris backed away from Soulstone, grinning hugely, and > began charging up a final spell. > "Oh, it can't end like this!" Gadget protested. "The bad guys can't > win!" Joel: Oh, but they've already made plans for a lovely victory banquet afterwards. I have tickets! > "Wait a minute! Nav is in the ring!" Ross shouted. > Nav simply stepped in between Chris and the downed Soulstone. > Coldly meeting Chris' eyes, Nav drew something from a pouch on his > belt. Spock (Nav): Ready . . . aim . . . Crow (Chris): Wait a minute, wait a minute, stop the execution! Spock (Nav): What is it this time? Crow (Chris): Um, I have to go to the bathroom? > In his hand is... > "Is that *candy*?" Gadget asked incredulously. Tom: So Nav also worships the Everlasting Gobstopper? > Nav calmly tossed a couple of the bite-sized mints into his mouth as > he waited for Chris to finish casting. Joel: Maybe it's Maxair gum and Nav's going to breathe Tuxedo Chris out of the ring. > Both Chris and Taruchi glowed faintly, almost imperceptibly. > Chris' spell fizzled with a pop, Crow: While Chris usually fizzles with something like a whimper. > while Taruchi barely managed to remain standing, as if suddenly > drained of strength. Chris and Taruchi look at each other, horrified as > they realized what was happened. Tom (Chris): Someone's been screwing with the grammar again. Joel (Taruchi): Damn! That's disappointing. > "Just evening out the odds..." Nav sneered, proudly displaying > his secret weapon: the unholy power of Mentos. "The Freshmaker!" > he added with a devilish grin. Spock: Perhaps four giant men in coveralls will come and remove him from this arena. > "I have nothing to say to that," Ross uttered in shock. Joel (JR): Other than to say that M&M's are the milk chocolate that melts in your mouth, not in your hand. Crow: Didn't The Great Red Serpent tell Sailor Mars something like that last time? > When Soulstone recovered, she was almost berserk. She charged > the now powerless Tuxedo Chris, who promptly ran from the ring. Tom (Chris): Dry cleaning! Dry cleaning! Joel (Soulstone): Come back! I'll use your shirt to clean the other shirts! > "It looks like Chris is leaving Taruchi to the *mercy* of his > opponents," Ross said dryly. > "Of course... leave it to the little coward to run when the odds > are *even*," Flair spat. Spock: Perhaps Tuxedo Chris should invest in some Wrigley Juicy Fruit Gum. I understand wonderful things happen when you chew it. > With that, he threw down his headset and charged in Tuxedo Chris' > direction. Tom: Look out! The REAL World's Champion is on the move! > Chris staggered backwards toward the rampway. "This isn't over > Nav, not by a *longshot*!" Crow (Nav): Shot? If you say so! *KABLAM!* > "And especially, for *you*, you tease!" Chris hollered at Soulstone, > still backing up. Joel: Someone cue Nicole Bass or her Triple A equivalent to make Tux-boy's life a living hell, please? > Soulstone perched on a turnbuckle matching his insults... until > suddenly her face broke out into a grin. At about the same time, > Tuxedo Chris felt himself bump into something. Crow (Chris, whirling around): Why, I oughta . . . > Chris turned to see himself staring one of the announcers in the face, > an older man with bleached-blonde hair. Tom (Flair): You oughta what? Crow (Chris): I oughta be a little more careful . . . heh heh . . . Mommy. > Chris never had a chance to say anything. The minute the angry man > looked at him, he lashed out a hand and felled Chris with a > knife-edged chop. Tom: Now strut around, Flair! WHOO! To be the man, you've gotta beat the man! > The man (who was none other than Ric Flair, of course) glared down > at Chris as he clutched his chest in pain. > "So you think you're a real ladies man, don't you, Tux-boy?" Flair > sneered. Joel: Well, I hear he managed to sneak into the Annual Sailor Senshi Reunion this year. *That* was carnage. > Then he grabbed the near-helpless Chris by his collar. "WELL, I'VE > HAD MORE WORLD TITLES THAN YOU'VE HAD PIECES OF > ASS!!" Flair screamed angrily into his face. Spock: I was unaware that humans needed to put themselves together like a jigsaw puzzle. Joel: Figure of speech, Spock. > With that, Flair dropped Chris to the ground and applied one of the > most painful wrestling holds in existence... the Figure-Four leglock! Crow: Oh, for the days of Flair, Greg "The Hammer" Valentine, and Tito Santana, when people actually knew when to submit! > Soulstone began laughing and cheering as she saw Chris flail > helplessly on the ground. > "Ooh," Ross winced as he looked on. "I think Ric is out to do > some damage." > "*Good*," Gadget said darkly. Tom: Is it a private beating or can anyone join in? > While all this was going on, Nav was gleefully throttling Taruchi in > the ring. Joel: I'm afraid it's invitation only, Tom. > As Chris flailed and screamed, a massive figure in black power > armor and a cape suddenly appeared on the rampway. Spock (Alex Trebek): Mr. Michael Keaton, what was your answer? Crow (Keaton): "Val Kilmer sucks." Spock (Trebek): I . . . see. And you wagered? Crow (Keaton): "George Clooney sucks." Spock (Trebek): Ah . . . yes. Crow (Keaton): I'm Batman! Spock (Trebek): No you're not. > He looked down at Chris contemptuously. > When Sailor Molly came charging up the aisle to break Chris out of > the leglock, the dark figure stepped resolutely in her way. Joel: Oh, look at this! Someone called the fashion police! > "Who is *that*?" Gadget asked. > "Wait a minute... I saw him in a promo... MAH GOD!! That's > Ankoku!" Spock: Who? Tom: Annoying Avatar who took part in a Transformers/ Sailor Moon crossover. Joel: Well, at least he beat up Darien a lot. That's in his favour. > Ankoku took off his helmet as he faced Sailor Molly. He was a very > handsome man, with silver-grey hair and pale blue eyes. Tom: This guy would give Val Venis or Rick Rude a run for their money. Crow: If he starts bumping and grinding in that armour, it's gonna chafe. > In a stern voice, he told Molly, "You see your *beloved* now as he > truly is: a braggart, a pervert, and a coward. I see the *true* Molly in > you, not the stereotypical senshi *he* has tried to make you into." Spock: And how is that? Crow: Long legs, short skirt, flops down onto her back whenever any guy looks at her. The usual. > Sailor Molly was utterly mesmerized by his soothing words. > Blinking, she glanced around at her surroundings and attire as if for > the first time. > "Oh mah gawd! Ewwww!!" she whined. "Wha...what am I doing > in this... ewww..." Joel: *sigh* Look who's back to normal, guys. Tom: Well, it was nice while it lasted, even if it was a bit freaky. > Ankoku approached the now-disenchanted Molly, gently took her > head in his hand, and grinned. Crow (Al Snow as Ankoku): Why don't you all give me a little head? Joel: CROW!! > "Oh wow..." Molly gasped as, with a flick of Ankoku's cape, the > two vanished in a swirl of magic. Spock: There is no such thing as "magic". It is not logical. Tom: Neither are half the Avatars here. It's all pure ego. > Back in the ring, a powerless and desperate Taruchi fell to a > flying knee bash from Nav. > "Now Nav is going to the top... and the Desert Eagle Moonsault!!" Crow: We can thank Owen Hart for that. He was doing moonsaults back in '88, before they even came up with a name for it. > "One... two... three!!" Gadget counted along with the referee. > "Yes! Nav and Sailor Soulstone win!" Joel: And for an encore, the Ministry of Darkness will resurrect Pat Lee! > Bewildered by the scene with Ankoku and Molly (but quite happy > about Chris' ongoing torment), Soulstone regained her senses and > turned coldly to Nav below. Tom (Soulstone): You know, I just thought of something. But I can't quite remember what. . . Oh, right. Anti-Moonie scum! > He met her glance, and pulled a large pistol from its holster. In > response, Soulstone summoned the Eternity Blade. Spock (dryly): I have a shotgun. You have a frying pan. > "Uh-oh... it looks like we're going to have *another* fight here..." > Gadget breathed. > "I had a feeling this wouldn't last," Ross added. > They stared each other down for a few moments. Crow: Well, don't just do something! Stand there! > Her blade glimmered, and Nav took aim. Soulstone flipped into the > ring as Nav fired, dodging the stunner blast. Joel: At least she didn't catch it in her teeth, chew it up, then spit it back at him. > She landed squarely in front of Nav, and lowered her sword. > "STASIS BLADE!!" she called out. Icy winds suddenly flowed > around Nav, freezing him in place. Tom: The Pigeons of Doom are circling! Yes, they've landed! They've landed on Nav! MY GOD, what a crushing defeat! > Soulstone smiled slyly at the incapacitated Destroyer, leaned in close > and whispered "As you said, 'All in due time'." To add insult to injury, > she placed a kiss on his cheek before she left the ring. Crow (Soulstone): I'll be waiting for you in my dressing room, covered in bandoleers and live ammo cartridges, dear! > Flair released Chris from the leglock as he saw Sailor Soulstone > charge down the aisle. It was Ric's turn to laugh as she chased the > gasping, limping Tuxedo Chris into the back. Joel (Soulstone): Get back here! I'm not through demeaning you yet! > Ric returned back to the announcer's table as arena security > arrived to thaw out Nav. Spock: I can't quite recall ever seeing a hairdryer that large before. Crow: Wait until you see the size of that miracle defrosting tray Mihoshi ordered from the Home Shopping Network > "Are you happy now?" JR asked him. > "You have no idea," Flair grinned. Tom (Flair): Just let me duct tape Bret Hart's lips together to stop him from whining and I'll be ecstatic! > A dark-haired female mouse roughly Gadget's size and age > approached the announcer's booth as well. "How was it, Gadget? > Are you all finished?" Crow (other mouse): They've started serving the wine and cheese in the back! Of course, the cheese is all in the fanfics, but still . . . > "Oh, yeah," Gadget replied. She took off her headset and turned to > Ric and JR. "That was really fun!" she exclaimed brightly. "If you > ever want me to come back, I'll be happy to do it! Joel: I want to see her build a new Spanish announce table that can fight back when someone tries to break it! Tom: The scary part is, she could probably do it! > But now, Caprice and I have to go thank Marta and Ling-Ling for > inviting us to that great party last night." > Flair and JR exchanged a very bemused glance as Gadget and > Caprice headed off. Crow (Flair): Damn, even the furries are getting more than we are, JR. > END HOUR ONE Spock: And someone begin making some sense out of all this. Joel: Follow us, Mr. Spock. We'll try and fill you in on stuff. *All four of them exit the theatre, Joel carrying Tom in his arms.* *Part 4 to follow*