*SATELLITE OF LOVE* "Well, that was certainly. . ." Joel motioned helplessly as they made their way back through the doors. "How would you describe something like that?" "Original?" Soi offered, "I mean, fix up the spelling and we have quite a decent story here." "I'll agree with her." "Tom? You would?" "What would you expect from a Power Rangers fanboy?" "Shut up, Crow. Come on. No cheap self-insertion, no one horribly out of character, no painful crossovers. . . . If anything, it ended too soon!" "Not for me." "Nobody asked you, Crow!" Soi shrugged. "I liked it. Short, sweet, and to the point." "Hey, our paintings are dry!" Tom exclaimed, hovering onto the bridge. "Check them out!" Soi turned Joel's easel around. On it was a valley landscape from Earth. "Nice," she commented, "Any particular part of the planet?" Joel shrugged. "Not really. It's a bit like the area around my old home, but I didn't have the mountain range in the background." "I see. Tom, what'd you paint?" Reaching over, she turned over his easel. "Ummmm, interesting." Painted in garish rust and bright pink colours, a gigantic Tom Servo filled the canvas, bubbledome and all. In one corner, against a black background , was a tiny blue and green planet, looking a great deal like Earth. In all, the painting had a surreal quality to it. "Like it?" Tom asked, "It's me! I'm HUGE!!" Soi stifled a grin with her hand. "So I see. Fits. Crow?" He turned his painting to display it. Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank beamed at them all. "Nice work, Crow. Uh, why do you have them in a barrel? That's not particularly vengeful." "Not now. But it will when I paint them going over Niagara Falls in it," Crow chortled. "Hmmmm. Make sure to put plenty of nice sharp rocks at the bottom, will you?" "Will do. Oh, look. Lip and Flip are calling again!" *DEEP 13* "How goes it, Howard Johnson and Friends? Ready to surrender your pathetic little wills to me yet?" "Two words, Doc. . ." "Crow, can it." Dr. Clayton Forrester wagged a finger at his test subjects. "Ah, ah. No fighting, boys. Not unless Frank and I have a chance to place bets first." "Hey, Dr. F., speaking of Frank, where is he?" "Oh, he's tending to some of my . . . larger entries in the Flower Show this year. Last I saw, he was taking my man-eating dandelion out for a walk." Just then, Dr. Forrester looked up to see his six-foot tall dandelion slink past. Part of a leg and a shoe was kicking furiously from the edge of its mouth. "Oh, poopie. Excuse me for a second, lab rats. And while I'm away, GET BACK INTO THAT THEATRE!" He slammed his palm down over the button. *SATELLITE OF LOVE* All: OHHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!! Begin Ranma « Door Sequence. . . Door 6: *Nihao!* Door 5: *I Am The Blue Thunder Of Furinken High!* Door 4: *Oh, My!* Door 3: *Where Am I Now?* Door 2: *Kawaiikune Tomboy!* Door 1: *Ranma No BAKA!* Soi sets Tom down in the fourth seat from the right and goes to sit in the first. Joel moves past her and takes the third seat, leaving the second for Crow. > >"What's the message I'm conveying? Can you tell me what I'm saying?" > >- "Weird Al" Yankovic Tom: Hey, this might not be so bad. The author likes Weird Al! >"THREE PAGES LONG" All (singing): Three pages long! This fic is just Three Pages Long! >(A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic) > >From the Desk of Megane 6.7 Soi: And edited by the Refrigerator of Megane 6.7. Crow: Hang on. Megane. . . 6. . . point. . . 7? (Silence) All: WE'VE GOT A GOOD FANFIC! (Balloons fall from the ceiling and everyone gets up and does a happy jig, with Soi tossing in the occasional hip bump.) >This is a work of Fiction. All Characters and Landmarks are the > property of Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan Video, Kitty Films, > Viz Video, Shonen Sunday, and anyone else who legally owns the rights. Joel (sitting back down): Hey, someone's been doing their research. Soi: That just means he knows what he's talking about. How rare. >THE TENDO DOUJOU > 8:25 A.M. Tom: My name is Ranma. I'm a hunted man. > And the skies were filled with the sound of screams, screams > that ripped into the soul, Crow: As someone discovered yet another Thinkerfic. > like a hot samurai's sword through a tub of cheap margarine. Soi: Actually, that would pass through, not *rip* through. Joel: The little Parkay margarine tub opened his mouth once too often. . . > Amongst this chaos, stood one man, watching the evening sky as it turned > the color of blood.... Tom (Bill Gates): Go Windows 98! Wreak havoc across that puny world that I already own! BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! > "Damn, I wish I'd slept in today." exclaimed Ranma-Chan Crow (Ranma-Chan): Then Akane wouldn't have forced me to watch the Smurfs! > as she watched a cockroach lying on the cracked pavement in it's > death throes. Tom (cockroach): This. . . isn't over. . . . We're. . . everywhere. . . > "I never should have let Genma set my alarm." Soi (Genma): Ah, the Extra-Loud Emergency Sonic Boom setting! > Ranma-Chan slowly rose to his feet Joel: Uh-oh. Here we go with that crazy mixed-up gender again. > and shielded his eyes from the bright glare of the morning sun. Crow: Wait a minute. . . Wasn't it just evening? Soi: Megane obviously did a quick scene change. He'd never make a mistake like that! (nervously) At least. . . I don't think so. > "Another day in hell...." he sighed as she rose to his feet Tom: He wouldn't, huh? Then why am I starting to get a headache? > and walked back inside the Nekohanten. Soi (Mousse): SHAMPOO! *GLOMP!* Tom (Ranma): (sounds of subsiduary violence.) Crow (bored): We've run that into the ground, haven't we? Tom: Yeah, so? It's still fun! > Nobody else was awake yet. Not surprising considering Joel: Their "Passion Spice Blue Plate Special" was the hit of the evening. > the conditions of the Ut-Chan. Crow: What's wrong with the Ut-Chan? Did they have a Martial-Arts Bake Sale the night before? > There was a thick layer of dust covering the wooden floor as Ranma made > his way across it. Joel: I guess Mousse never really gets much cleaning done. Soi: Strange, though. Shampoo usually cleans the floor with Mousse. Literally. Tom: (imitates rim shot.) Soi: Thank you! > "Shit! I broke another nail." Kasumi cursed out loud. Tom (quickly): Oh! It's one of those alternate universe Ranma things! _Of course!_ How silly of us not to notice! Heh heh heh. . . Crow: Mommy. > "Like I care." Ranma-Chan replied as she sat down at the counter and > ordered an okonomiyaki. Joel (Ranma-Chan): Mrow! Soi (Kasumi): Hisss! > Kasumi glared at him for a moment before returning her attention to the > fried eggs that were burning. "Damnit to hell, why can't I cook right?!?" Tom (scared): Guys, this is *the* Megane 6.7, right? Others: Right. Tom: And Megane's cool, right? Others: Right. Tom: Then what's he trying to do to us? > "What'ya say, Nabiki?" Joel (Nabiki): Your money or your life! Crow (Ranma): Oh, all right. Here. Joel (Nabiki): Darn. I'm always doing this. Did I say: Your money or your life? Crow (Ranma): Yes. Joel (Nabiki): I'm sorry. Your money AND your life. Crow (Ranma): AIEEEEEE! > Nabiki climbed through the window, Soi: Ranma uses the roof, Shampoo uses the walls, now Nabiki uses the window? Silly me. I use the door. > wincing as her naked body was cut on the broken glass. Crow (desperate): Maybe Megane's come up with a post-apocalyptic Ranmaverse! Tom: Like War 6.7? Crow: Well . . . sorta. > "You know, even though I sold all of my clothes and worldly possessions > to charity, I still think I could do more!" Tom (Nabiki): I don't need blood! I can sell that! Hey, who wants an arm? It's Kunou's, really, but I ripped it off his shoulder when he wasn't looking! > "Then sell your body to Joel: Medical science so that they can discover the gene for greed. > those who would normally never have a chance in hell of getting laid." Tom: I can just see the lineup: Melvin, Kunou, any MSTer. . . Voices: HEY!! Joel: Nice one, Tom. Get the Powers That Be mad at us. Tom: We already riffed one. The second should soon follow. > Ranma suggested while applying his Preperation-H. Crow: You know, I saw an ad for Preparation-H the other day. It said, "Kiss Your Hemorrhoids Goodbye." Tom: Not even if I could. > "Great idea! Thanks!" Akane replied as she jammed the Soi: BF Mallet straight up his. . . Joel: Soi. . . Soi: What? She would! Well, if she was acting in character, maybe. She really is a sweet person, except when she has to watch crappy fics like this. Tom: Her, too? Soi: You'd be surprised how many of us do this. > ring just above her eyelid. "There! How does it look, Ranko?" Joel (Ranko): Ah, the wimple suits you, Akane! Tom (Akane): But it completely covers my face! Joel (Ranko): Exactly! Tom (Akane): BAKA! *CRUNCH!!* > "Spiffy. Simply Spiffy." Ranma replied as she spilt her cup of coffee > on her shoes. Crow: Then it hit her Odour-Eaters and the chemical combination killed them all. The end. Soi: Ooh, innovative, Crow. Very original. > After a long moment, Ranma-Chan rolled her eyes up at the ceiling and > sighed. Tom: Snake eyes. Too bad. > "What's your problem?" Genma demanded Joel (Ranma): Women, mainly. > while styling his full lush head of hair. Tom: Geez, even Genma's hair is a lush! Lay off the sake!! > "Who gives a shit about honor and the school? Just go out every night and > have fun like I do!" Joel (Ranma): Cow tipping. Whoopee. > "I was just thinking about Happosai and how much I would love to > cling tenaciously to his buttocks right now." All: Powdered Toast Man!! Bots: (begin humming the Canadian Kilted Yaksmen Theme Song.) > Ranma-Chan replied with a wistful look in his eyes, Crow (Ranma-Chan): Making sure, of course, that I'm directly over the shark tank when I let him go. > a single tear spilling down her face and coming to rest on her lips. > > "e....excuse me." Kodachi asked in a whisper of a voice. Soi: I told her to stop using her fingers to clean her vocal cords. >"is...is my date ready?" Crow (Kasumi): I don't know. Let me check. Akane! Are the prunes ready? > "Soun is ready to take Kodachi to date!" Soun replied All: (facefault out of their seats) Joel: Ow. Megane. . . that was _not_ funny! > as he glomped onto Kunou and began to make out with him. Tom (on the floor): OW! OW! BAD IMAGE!! Crow: There's a lemon scene I bet Caroline Ann Seawright didn't think of. Soi: Thank God. > "Make Soun, Kunou's own!" Soi (climbing back into her seat and imitating Kunou): My long-haired old man! I will allow you to cry on me! > P-Chan! Be a good cat and get into the pot! We're starving > and we need the meat!" (All get back into their seats) Joel: Oh, another P-Chan being eaten fic. How droll. Crow: I still think it's one of those post-apocalyptic fics. > Akane warned as she pushed and shoved P-Chan deeper into the boiling > water. Tom (Akane): Let's see. . . one cat, a dozen eggshells, spam, some uranium. Where's that plunger? > "Excuse me, could you tell me where to find a chicken cannon?" > Ryouga asked Tom: Hey, we've got one, don't we? Joel: Sure do. Prepare to fire! (All scramble out of their seats. From the back, Soi and Joel drag the Chicken Cannon out and aim it at the screen.) Crow: Tonight's target: This fic's author, Megane 6.7! (In the background, a steady drumbeat can be heard as the recitation starts and the cannon is loaded.) Tom: Our ammunition: Broken Light Bulbs (*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*) Balsa Wood (The Holocabana) Assorted Doorknobs (Door Sequences) Drain Plugs (Blatant Plugs) and, of course, a Silver Mally Award. (You know why) Joel: And. . . when ready, Soi. . . . . All: FIRE!!! *KABOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!* (The mass of stuff impacts against the fanfic screen, doing no damage, and falls to the floor. Soi gives the Cannon a shove back into the shadows and everyone takes their seats once again.) > as he walked in from the pouring rain, taking a moment to pat his red locks > back into place. Tom (Ryouga): Anyone seen my red keys? > "G....G.....Genma!!!" Soi (Genma): Crap! Nodoka! *SPLASH!* (holds up sign): "I'm just a cute panda!" Tom: One cookie if you can name which fanfic that sign's from. > Dr. Tofu glasses fogged up Crow: Get your Dr. Tofu glasses here! Guaranteed to render you blind when you see the girl of your dreams! > and he accidentally stabbed Kasumi with a five inch nail. Joel (dying Kasumi): I regret . . . nothing. . . Well, maybe being so predictable and empty. . . Crow (ditto): And never going the distance with Dr. Tofu. Soi: Don't you believe it, Crow. > "Oh my! Let me get that gosunkugi out of you!" Ryouga offered Tom (Ryouga): Nerd-piercing is so out of fashion these days, you know. > as he tried to pull Hikaru off of her. "Damn! I wish I were stronger!" Soi (Ryouga): I *am* strong! Hand me the phone book and I will tear it! *RIP* And now the second page. > "Hey, fuck off! I saw her first!" Gosunkugi growled Joel: Gosunkugi's been taking aggression therapy, I see. > as he returned his attention to his partner. Tom (Gosunkugi): Oh yeah. Go Fish. > "Now where were we, Cologne sweetie?" Crow (Cologne): Well, I remember at about that time, a nice young boy called Jesus was born. This was about the time I hit puberty. . . > "About one step from boredom!" Cologne sighed as she > worked Mousse with her long slender fingers, Soi (Cologne): Ooooohh, Alberto . . . > her 7' 5" frame making Mousse feel like a smurf. All: (snicker) Tom: So Mousse is feeling blue and goofy right now? Joel: Cologne _is_ Gargamel! > "Can you hold this for me?" Kasumi handed her head to Mousse. Crow (Mousse, looking inside her head): Hmmmmm. Empty. Tom: Explains a lot. > Mousse fanatically looked for space in his cloak. Joel (Mousse): Gotta be some space! Gotta be some space! Number 1! Gotta be some space! > "I can never carry anything!" he complained. Soi (Mousse): Hey, where'd my closet organizer get to? > "What's the date for today?" Tom: Anyone notice all these date references in this fic? Joel: Yeah, so? Tom: It's a pattern. A cry for a meaningful relationship by Megane, I believe. Soi: Really? Tom: Or it's just an incredible coincidence. > Azuza asked as Happosai spread honey garlic sauce on her tongue. Crow (drooling): And the rest of her. . . Mmmmmm. Joel & Tom: CROW!! Soi (smacking him): What *are* you thinking? Crow: Wha? Oh, sorry. I was thinking of Azuka. You know, the redhead in Neon Genesis Evangelion? Soi: Oh. Well, that's perfectly understandable. Joel & Tom: (eye them both) > "Mousse looked at the calendar in the next house across the street > through the far window. Tom: And your narrator tonight: James Earl Jones. > "April 25, 1974!" Joel: Ah, the 100th anniversary of the birth of Marconi, the inventor of the radio. > "Beg your pardon?" Sasuke asked as he twirled his white polyester > jacket around his head, spun around in a 360 circle and did the splits while > pointing his finger in the air. All: (fall out of their seats in hysterical laughter.) Crow: Oh! The image! I can see it! PAIN!! Soi: It hurts, but it's just too funny! Ha-ha-haaaaaa! Tom: A little bald guy in a leisure suit! It fits! Joel (gasping): Sasuke *is* Leisure Suit Larry! > "I said, April 25, 1924!" Soi (calming down): Ah, the year Genbu was called. > "That's what I thought you said! Ok kittens, let's swing! Tom: Yes, hang them all. Joel: Tom, don't go dark. Tom: And this fic wasn't already? > Oh ain't she sweet, driving it down the street" Soun and Genma sang Soi: You know, every time those two harmonize at Karaoke, everyone claps their hands. Tom: Really? Soi: Right over their ears. > while dressed in identical zoot suits. Bots: AHHHHH! IT'S PIPPKIN! RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!! > "23 Skidoo!" Ryouga snapped his fingers to the beat. Joel (Ryouga): *POP* Hey, my fingers don't bend like that! > Ranma-Chan couldn't take any more of this. Tom: And she decided to pay the author a little "visit." Joel: If she can stand the cold in Winnipeg. > He sat back down on the stool and walked up the stairs to the patio. Crow: So he's barstool hopping? Soi: Well, we do have races on slow nights. I tell you, if you can't have a good time with your legs wrapped around the legs of a barstool and hopping across the floor, you're just not trying! > There, she quickly ripped off all of her clothes Soi: If you start drooling again, Crow, you're cleaning it up. > and jumped into the pond. The piranha Joel: Hey, leave Conrad Black out of this! > were swift and chewed on his flesh Crow: Must resist urge. . . to make chicken joke. > while Ranko searched the surface of the warm water until she found what > she was looking for. Tom: Warm water. . . wouldn't that mean that Ranko would be Ranma in boy form unless this fic is an alternate universe where the original laws don't apply and nothing is what it seems and my head is about to explode. . . . (His dome begins to smoke) > Then she broke the surface of the pond and started to climb out only to > have the bank Joel: Foreclose on the dojo and take Akane and Shampoo as collateral. > crumble under her fingers. He fell back into the pond and then fell through > the bottom. Crow (Ranma): Hey, there's Jimmy Hoffa! And the Bermuda Triangle! And Atlantis! And. . . Soi: Shut up, Crow. Crow: Make me. Soi: (cracks her knuckles and electricity arcs from one hand to the other.) Crow: Oh. Okay. > She quietly whistled to herself as she fell thousands upon thousands of feet Joel (singing): I'm falling and I'm falling and I guess you know the rest! Bots (singing): We're stuck in a theatre with a crappy fic, oh yeah! > only to stop an inch above the hard ground. Crow (Earnest P. Worrell): Air brakes. Heh heh heh. > >* * * > Soi: Forget what the critics are smoking. Give some of what Megane has. > "ARGGHHHHHH!!!" Tom: This scream of anguish was made possible by the continued support of Fanfic Readers Like You. > Ranma sat up in his futon, covered with sweat. Crow (Ranma): Was it good for you too, Shampoo? Soi: (swats him and giggles) > He waited a long time for his heartrate to return to normal and then glances > at the empty tray next to his pillow. Tom (Ranma): Why is my mouth so dry? And where's my napkin? > "Oh man....That is absolutely the LAST time I have triple portions of > Akane's squid surprise. Soi: I've had that. Crow: What's the surprise? Soi: How much you can drink afterwards. > Another dream like that will kill me!" Tom (Ranma): That is, if Akane or her food doesn't get me first! > Ranma slowly rose to his feet and gazed out into the sky. Crow (Ranma): Hmmm. A little early in the year for Fatso and his eight tiny reindeer. > It was a peaceful night, the stars were bright and shinning. Joel: Repent, Hugh Grant! Repent, Michael Jackson! Repent, all you shinning celebreties! Soi: Nice try, Joel. It was almost funny. > Ranma smiled to himself before walking to the door to go to the bathroom. Tom (Ranma): Time to mark the old territory. > "Hello, father." Nabiki bowed politely to Ranma as she passed by. All: AUUUUUGH! It's the Neverending Dream Sequence! > "Like I care." Ranma Hibiki replied Tom: You'd better care! It's my head on the line here. > as he climbed the rope ladder to the treehouse, being careful to bribe the man > with a sharp pointy stick.... Crow (quietly): You are going to get such a poke. . . > THE END. All: WHEW! Soi: Or is it? Joel: Soi! > > What the hell was I thinking when I wrote this? Tom: Shouldn't that read, "drinking"? A nice glass of Moosejuice, maybe? Joel: Tom, remember who you're talking to. > I have no idea. If you find symbolism and deeper meaning in this story, it > was.....uh.... Crow (Megane): Probably something *you* were drinking. Send me a glass, will you? > completely intentional, really, I swear...heh.... Soi (Megane): Flatter myself, then run. . . yeah. >Maybe I wrote this to get something off my chest, maybe I wrote it out of > pure boredom, Crow: Maybe none of it really happened? Joel: We wish. > but I did write it in 30 mins, scary huh? Tom: Uh, yeah. Can we go now? > C&C is welcome as always. Soi: That stands for Corn Chips and Cookies, last I checked. (smiling) Mmm. Chocolate chip. . . > If you really want to have fun, Joel: Find a panel discussion on TV, turn off the volume, and add your own dialouge. > try and find all of the mistakes and OCC references in the story. Tom: OOC: Ootchie-Coochie-Coo. Others: (giggle) > The first person who finds them all can pat himself/herself on the back and > say "Damn I'm good!" Crow: Shall we? Soi: Why not? All: DAMN WE'RE GOOD! Joel: Break number two, guys. The four of them get up from their seats and run for their lives out of the theatre. Part 2 ends here. Proceed to Part 3.