Mystery Science Anarchy 3000 Episode #108 "Parasite Eve: Mating Call" MSTed by the Anarkist (Discord999@aol.com) Original Story By PJ DISCLAIMER: This is a MSTing of a fanfic written by another author. The fic itself is property of PJ, and he's welcome to it. Aya Brea, the Ultimate Being, and other characters are the property of Square Soft, Inc. Mike, the Bots, the Mads, the SoL, etc, are the property of Best Brains Entertainment. Anything else mentioned is the property of its respective creator(s). DRIVE-IN TOTALS: 23 Dead Bodies 5 Sex Scenes 1 Masturbation Scene Horny Teenagers Exploding Fetus Gratuitous Groin Itch Gratuitous Usage of a Lizard Man Gratuitous Paul Bearer Intestine Fu Mitochondria Fu Bishonen Fu Deadly Vagina Fu *** Stars ***PREVIOUSLY, ON MYSTERY SCIENCE ANARCHY 3000 ...*** (SoL. Mike and the Bots emerge from the theater, victorious yet again) Mike: Well, that was ... odd. Tom: Yeah. I mean, it was pretty short ... Crow: ... No beastiality scenes--always a plus ... Mike: ... No really glaring OOC-isms ... Tom: Of course, there was still the Thinker-level typos ... Mike: Still, not so bad. Seen a lot worse. Crow: If this is the kind of stuff Dr. Forrester's stooped to sending us ... maybe we're nearing the light at the end of the tunnel! Maybe Dr. F's already sent us the bottom of the fanfiction barrel! Tom: Maybe ... Mike: Maybe ... (MADs light flashes) All: Maybe ... (D-13. Dr. Forrester has reappeared, and he and T.V.'s Frank and cackling maniacally) Frank: You were right, Dr. F! Dr. F: Of course I was, fool! By raising their hopes like this, I can merely heighten the pain caused by their next experiment! Which, come to think of it, will be ... *NOW!* (SoL) All: WHAT?!? Mike: But ... you can't do that! Crow: Yeah! It's in the manual ... somewhere ... Tom: Besides, you've never done it before! (D-13) Dr. F: Then what better reason would I have to *do* so? After all, what are these fanfics but *experiments?* Your next fanfic will be yet another PJ lemon entitled "Parasite Eve: Mating Call." And if you survive *that*, there's more where that came from. Send them the lemon, Frank ... Frank: Yes, your poofiness. *pushes the button to send the fanfic* (SoL) Crow: God ... not him AGAIN ... Mike: C'mon, guys, stay frosty ... we can do this ... (Lights and klaxons) Mike: ... especially since WE'VE GOT LEMON SIIIIGN!!! ***AND NOW, ON WITH THE SHOW!*** (Door 7-A Dog Bone, of course) (Door 6-It's Doug Herzog. You kick him in the groin, laugh at his pain, and leave.) (Door 5-It's an ad for Scream 3. Depending on your preference, you either tear it to shreds or bow down and worship it, then move on) (Door 4-You walk into a chat room right in the middle of a huge, incomprehensible roleplay. Confused, you walk out, shaking your head) (Door 3-An ad for the Author Avatar Association. You note the shameless plug and move on) (Door 2-A solid wall of ice. You grab a flamethrower and melt an entrance) (Door 1-Death stands before you. He points beyond him, and you hurry by.) (Door .69-A black hole opens in the fabric of reality, sucking you into the theater) (As usual; Crow, Mike, Tom) Mike: Another day, another PJ lemon ... Crow: Well, hey, look on the bright side ... Tom: What's that? Crow: It's a Parasite Eve lemon! We get to see Aya Brea gettin' it on! Tom: Joy ... >PARASITE EVE: MATING CALL Tom: Oh, goody, now it's gonna turn out to be nothing but holograms and ten-page introductions ... Mike: That's 'Mating Season', Tom. >by PJ Crow: If anybody deserves to be a SVAM Usual Suspect, it's this guy ... Tom: I'll say ... anybody who writes 80+ lemons is just begging for a spot ... >--- Mike: (singing) It's one, two, three strikes you're out ... >(I) Tom: (The Phantom Menace) > >Jill Tom: Went up the hill with Jack, to fetch a pail of lemons. >snuggled closer to Steve as they both sat near the crackling >bonfire. Mike: Hey, looks like Steven Regal's been doin' pretty good for himself ... Crow: Now if he can just keep from urinating on her ... >The black ocean Tom: African-American ocean ... Crow: Eh, looks like another oil spill ... >crashed against the beach to their right, Mike: *makes sounds of tires squealing, then an explosion* >the sky overhead clear and filled with stars. Mike: Yeah, there's Clint Eastwood, Pamela Lee, John Travolta ... Tom: Oh, look, Orion's bankrupt again. Crow: And hey, there's Uranus! >Tammy and John sat on the other side of the campfire, Mike: *singing* Has anyone here, seen my old friend John ... >passing a bottle of whiskey back and forth, Crow: I didn't know Eastern Kentucky had an ocean? Tom: (John) I like my women like I like my alcohol: straight and tasting like pig vomit. >then groping each other clumsily. Mike: And Mitchell is there. Tom: Unfortunatley, they were so clumsy in their groping, they both rolled into the fire and burned alive. The end. Crow: Either that, or they put on black and red costumes and joined the WWF. > >"Let's go a little further down the beach," suggested Jill, Tom: (Jill) Let's go walk right into the obvious monster attack that awaits us! >licking Steve's left ear teasingly. Crow: (Jill) Nyah-nyah-nyah ... Mike: (Steve) Jee, let me think ... doiiii ... > >"Okay," agreed Steve quickly, Mike: Called it. >draining the last of his beer in one large gulp. Tom: Unfortunatley causing him to choke and pass out. No lemon scene for *that* boy. Crow: So *this* is what Sting's been doing since he got down from the Satellite of Nitro ... (Thunder rumbles in the background) Mike: Watch the fourth wall, Crow ... > >Steve staggered to his feet, Crow: Ahhh, the drunkeness of youth ... >grasping Jill's outstretched arm and pulling her up. Tom: Unfortunately pulling too hard and ripping the thing clear out of its socket. Mike: Man, someone's dark today. Tom: Riffing fics back-to-back will do that to a guy ... >Jill wrapped her right arm around Steve's waist, clinging to him tightly. Mike: (Jill) My binky! Yay! Crow: (Steve) Can't ... breathe ... >The couple moved south Tom: Already? Go Steve! >along the beach until the fire was out of sight. Mike: Y'know, they didn't start the fire. It was always burnin' since the world's been turnin'. >Steve staggered to the sand, his eyes clouded by alcohol. Tom: Not to mention the Black Oil Alien that had just possessed his body. >Jill knelt down next to Steve, Crow: (Jill) Eh, that's my drunken lout of a boyfriend ... >reaching out towards his belt buckle. Mike: (Jill) Oooo, shiny! >Steve smiled dreamily Tom: (Steve) Huh-huh, girl funny ... Mike: (Jill) He's SOOOO dreamy ... >while Jill unbuckled his pants and pulled them down several inches. Crow: (Jill) Holy ... man, I've seen circus peanuts longer than that! Let me get a pair of tweezers ... >She rubbed up and down Steve's crotch, leaning down to kiss her drunken >boyfriend. Mike: (Jill) Mmmm ... you taste like Samuel Adams ... Tom: (Steve) Huh? Who the hell is that? You been two-timin' me? Mike: (Jill) No! No, I ... > >"Suck it, baby," whispered Steve. Crow: (HHH) ARE YOU READY?!? Tom: *apathetic* Yay. Crow: (HHH) LLLLLLLLLLLET'S GET READY TO SSSSSUCK IIIIIIIT!!! > >Jill kissed Steve one more time, Mike: (Jill) Once more, for the ladies ... >then moved her head to Steve's hardening cock. All: *groan* Crow: I think that just broke my pun sequencer ... Tom: She moved her head to give head. Makes sense. >She pulled down his underwear, lowering her face to his cock, Mike: Y'know, she really shouldn't be lowering herself to his level ... Crow: Mike, in a PJ lemon, all the girls are *already* at his level ... >licking it with her tongue. Tom: (Jill) I scream, you scream, we all scream for Steve's ... Mike: Tom, NO. >Steve moaned, placing his hand over Jill's blonde head. Crow: A blonde slut? How original ... Mike: Thanks for alienating a significant portion of our audience there, Crow ... Crow: Anytime, Nelson. > >Jill licked the head of Steve's member, Tom: Man, everyone's ripping off Al Snow these days ... >then placed it between her lips. She nibbled on the engorged tip, Mike: (Steve) OW! Watch the teeth, there, I'm kinda sensative ... Tom: (Jill) What? That doesn't turn you on? Mike: (Steve) About as much as a Rottwieler biting my ass ... >her tongue stimulating the flesh just beneath it. Crow: They then had a enlightening discussion about the future of modern literature. >Jill let Steve's cock slide down into her throat, Tom: It wasn't too big, just about a mouthful. Mike: Tom ... Crow: (Steve) Over the lips, across the gums, look out stomach ... Mike: Crow! >her lips caressing the sides of the shaft. Crow: Before you blow, Caress ... Tom: That is one bad mother- Mike: Shut your mouth. Tom: I'm just talkin' 'bout Shaft ... Mike: I can dig it. > >Jill slid her right hand underneath Steve's shirt, caressing his >muscular chest while her head bobbed up and down, Tom: Brings a whole new meaning to the word "headbanging" ... >her mouth sucking intently upon his pole. Crow: Y'know, all things considered, this is a damn good lemon scene ... Tom: And you know what that means ... Crow: Yup. PJ'll contrive some way of turning this into a sicko-fest ... > >Both young people were too engrossed to notice the blue amorphous mass >emerging from the water. Crow: Told ya ... Mike: Man, Greenpeace is gonna have a field day when they find out about this ... Tom: (Mass) Hello, I'm a tentacle demon. You wouldn't happen to know where I can find Amano Jyaku, would you? >It slid silently towards the lovers, creeping ever nearer with >outstretched pseudo pods. Crow: Jeez, "The Terror from the Year 5000" moved faster than this thing ... > >Jill was moaning as she sucked on Steve's large cock Tom: (Mankind) MMMMMM ... BEEEFY!!! Mike: THAT'S an image I could've done without ... >when the blob wrapped a tendril around her neck Mike: (Blob) Heh-heh ... I'M your boyfriend now ... >and yanked her head back. Crow: (Blob) Now, now, now ... what did the Pope tell you about oral sex? >Jill didn't even have time to scream Tom: Eh, that's alright. I never liked Courtney Cox anyway. >as a slimy limb entered her open mouth and flowed down her throat. Mike: (Blob) Hey, now ... how's about a little lovin' for the blobster? >Steve opened his eyes in a daze, unable to comprehend the sight of a >blue slime disappearing inside his girlfriend's mouth. Crow: (Steve) Duh ... uh ... girl, you OK? >The main body of the blue mass flowed towards Steve, Tom: (Blob) You thought THAT was a good pipejob, just wait'll you get a load 'a me ... Mike: *sickly* Tom ... >shooting out sticky tendrils to trap his legs and arms. Crow: Ah, fly paper. Always a deadly weapon. > >"What the fuck?" gasped Steve before Jill screamed, Tom: (Jill) My makeup! It's ruined! >her flesh bubbling like hot wax, Mike: *sadly* The horrible effects of *not* wearing Coppertone Suntan Oil. >her arms contorting into new, weird positions. Crow: (Jill) Here's a bunny ... and a dog ... and Abraham Lincoln ... >Steve's skin began to burn painfully, the touch of the blue mass like >acid. Tom: The itching. The burning. Try Crulex. >Steve looked down at the mass, struggling vainly in its grip just as a >tendril punched up into his gaping mouth. Mike: Odd ... I've never seen a GUY be tentacle-raped before ... Crow: No no no ... c'mon, PJ, cut away, cut away ... > >*** All: *breathe sighs of relief* > >"John…not here," protested Tammy while John single-mindedly pulled up >her blouse Tom: (John) But I wanna see bouncy happy fun fun bags! >and squeezed her generous tits. Mike: Yeah, Tammy's breasts give a hundred dollars to United Way every Christmas. > >"But you look so hot, baby," growled John, licking Tammy's mouth, Crow: I get the idea that PJ's trying to portray John as a dog ... Tom: (John) Screw man's best friend, I wanna be *her* best friend ... >then moving to her right breast, Mike: Because property tax was a lot lower there and was closer to his workplace. >sucking contentedly on her nipple. Crow: (Steve) Mommy! > >"Umm," purred Tammy with a smile, closing her eyes from the pleasant >sensation. Tom: Easily Influenced Theater 3000. >John gently pulled her bra down, exposing both breasts to the very cool >air. Crow: Wait ... if they were clothed before, how did he suck on her nips? Tom: Uhm ... very carefully? >He fondled the smooth mounds, licking them like ice cream. Tammy >caressed John's crotch, groaning softly with ecstasy. > >John kissed her hungrily, Mike: Hey, don't make a meal out of it ... >their tongues fencing. Crow: (Tongue) Thrust, thrust, parry, parry ... good. > >"Fuck me," giggled Tammy, Tom: (Tammy) STDs are FUN! >her eyes burning with lust. Crow: Eh, Visine'll clear that right up. > >John had Tammy's jeans down to her knees when he stiffened abruptly. Mike: "Abruptly?" He spend ten minutes playing with her boobs and he just now got it? Tom: Maybe the Viagra just kicked in? >Tammy stared at her boyfriend with worry, Crow: (Tammy) Uhm ... what happens when it gets all stiff and hard like that? >then gasped when he burst into flames. Mike: *sadly* If only he'd drank his Pepsi ... Crow: Hey, what's the whiny kid from "The Final Sacrifice" doing behind him ...? >She yelped in pain, quickly crawling backwards away from her burning >lover. Tom: (Tammy) When I said I liked hot guys, this was *not* what I meant ... >He reached out weakly towards her before collapsing, Mike: (John) I regret ... I have but one life ... to give ... for this lemon ... >his body swiftly reduced to a cloud of ash. Crow: Hmmm ... Self-Disposing Lemon Character. Neat. >Tammy's head shot up All: Ewwwww ... >when she spotted Jill and Steve shambling towards her. Mike: (Jill and Steve) Join us, Tammy ... join the legions of Carrot Top ... >She screamed in horror when the light from the campfire revealed her >friends melted, mutated bodies. Tom: Yes, it's the Incredible Melting Lemon! >Tammy struggled to her feet, turning to flee, All: (British) Run away! Run away! >when a glistening intestine burst from Steve's belly and wrapped around >her legs. Mike: (Scorpion) GET OVER HERE!!! Tom: That boy's got guts, I'll say that much ... >Tammy fell onto her stomach, yelling for help while Steve reeled her >towards him, Crow: (Steve) Boy, caught a big one this time! I think I'll mount her on my fireplace ... Mike: Crow ... >his face emotionless as extremely long fleshless arms reached out Tom: Cher? >to embrace his prey. Crow: (Steve) I will kiss her and love her and call her George ... Tom: Gorgeous George? > >Steve's claw-like hands grabbed Tammy's arms, lifting her into the air. >He pressed her close against his writhing chest as a second pair of >arms grew from his torso and ripped her clothes off. Mike: Oh, he's turning into an Alien Queen. How fun. > >"Steve, please!" begged Tammy, her dark blue eyes wet with tears. Crow: (Tammy) That was a $200 blouse! > >Steve's face didn't react at all Tom: Dean Malenko IS Steve in "Parasite Eve: Mating Call". >when his huge pulsing cock Crow: Sure, he was horribly melted and mutilated, but at least he got a big tool out of the deal ... >slithered up between Tammy's bare legs and rammed into her pussy. Tom: *sigh* Only PJ could turn a lemon scene between four horny teenagers into a monster-rape scene ... >Tammy grunted loudly, her crotch instantly numb as Steve ejaculated blue >jism into her uterus. Mike: Hey, he's a living deposit of Novacain! >Tammy became limp in Steve's embrace, Crow: (Tammy) Oh, go ahead. Just wake me up when it's over. >her face took on his expressionless cast while she shook with each pump >of Steve's cock into her cunt, Tom: (Steve) I want to pump ... you up! >his member continuing to squirt Crow: Give your thirst a squirt! Mike: I'd rather not ... >a constant stream of blue goo into her body. Tom: When Gak goes horribly wrong. >After several minutes of mute humping, Crow: Mime lemons? >the bodies of Tammy and Steve began to meld together, combining to >form a new, obscene creature. Mike: Pauly Shore? Tom: Adam Sandler? Crow: Rush Limbaugh? > >*** Tom: I'm seeing stars ... no, wait, it's just the divider. > >Detective Aya Brea stepped out of the cab, All: *make whistling sounds* Crow: (Aya) Stop da music! >paying her fare before approaching the small police building. Mike: Yes, it's the First Midget's Police Brigade! >The air around New Haven was cold, but not as cold as New York had been >when she had left. Tom: (Sleazy porn voice) And it's about to get a LOT hotter ... Crow: Well, I see it's recovering well from the Tommyknockers invasion awhile back ... Tom: Yeah, now it's about to be invaded by Aya's knockers ... Mike: You guys ... Bots: *snicker* >Taking her right hand out of her leather jacket's right pocket, Aya >opened one of the station's doors, Crow: (Val Venis) Helllllooo, ladies ... >glad to enter the heated entrance. Aya walked up to the desk officer, >flashing him her New York P.D. badge. Tom: Among other things ... Mike: Settle down, Tom. > >"Chief Ramirez is expecting you, Detective Brea," said the desk >officer. Tom: (Officer) He's recovering well from that beheading the Kurrgan gave him, by the way ... > >Aya followed the officer's directions, Crow: (Officer) See, first you take a right at the water fountain, then take a left when you see the fat guy, then go straight until you find the "End is Near" poster ... >finding Chief Ramirez's office on the western side of the building. Mike: Unfortunately, he was busy in a meeting with Conner McCleod, so she had to wait outside. > >"Detective Brea! Glad you could make it!" smiled Victor Ramirez, >offering his right hand. Tom: (Aya) No thanks, already have one. Crow: (Ramirez) No, I mean I'm REALLY glad you could make it ... > >Brea shook it firmly, then took a seat facing Victor's paper strewn >desk. Mike: (Ramirez) Just ignore the porn here ... > >"I've heard good things about you, Det. Brea. Crow: (Ramirez) NAUGHTY things ... Mike: Crow ... >I'll get right to the point. I've read about your encounter with a bio- >form named Eve. Tom: (Ramirez) You know, red hair, big arms, nice rack? >I think we have a similar problem here in New Haven." > >"What happened?" inquired Brea, removing a small notebook and pen from >the inside of her jacket. Crow: (Aya) How'd these get here? Mike: Inquiring minds want to know. > >"Four teenagers were reported missing about a week ago. Tom: We didn't care too much about that, but then their body parts began showing up in our doughnuts ... >We combed the town and the beach, Mike: (Dark Helmet) You guys find anything yet? Tom: (Soldier) We ain't found SHIT! >until we found the remains of a campfire and what appeared to be one of >the male teens. Crow: *sadly* If only they'd listened to Smokey the Bear ... >The body was completely consumed by fire, only trace amounts of ash >were discovered. Tom: (Ramirez) We brought Kane in for questioning, but so far he's not talking ... >A normal fire couldn't do the job so thoroughly. Mike: (Ramirez) We suspect fart-lighting as the cause. >I read that Eve could make humans spontaneously combust. > >"Yes, she could, but Eve's dead." Crow: (Aya) I mean, for her to come back would take a completely stupid and trite plot device! Wait a minute ... > >"What about this Ultimate Being that she gave birth to?" Tom: Oh, he got his own book deal and a Barbara Walters special. > >"I saw it die when the ship it was on exploded." Mike: (Aya) Yup, I blew it up real good. > >"Did your department ever recover any remains?" Crow: Of what? It was a liquid mass! It would dissolve in water! > >"No, sir." > >"Then it's possible that it may have made its way here." Tom: (Ramirez) But then, it's possible that pigs may fly out of my butt into a frozen hell, so ... Mike: Would that make the Ultimate Being the Blob That Wouldn't Die? > >"It's…possible," agreed Brea reluctantly. Crow: (Aya) I'm sensing a really sick lemon scene coming up ... > >"You were the only one who could fight and kill Eve. Tom: (Leia) Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope ... >I want you to take over this investigation. Mike: (Ramirez) Even though you're not licenced in our juristiction, do it anyway. >Find this Ultimate Being, if it is responsible for the deaths of those >four teens, and destroy it before it can kill anyone else." Tom: Well, seeing as how it was able to kill Aya with a touch at the end of Parasite Eve, I kinda doubt she'd be too effective against it ... > >"What do I have to work with?" Crow: A pile of Play-doh and an assotment of Mr. Potato-Head accesories. > >"I'm assigning an officer to act as your back-up. Mike: Y'know, just in case her hard drive crashes. >You can have complete access to any supplies or hardware that you think >you might need." Tom: (Aya) OK, I'll need 3 dildos, 5 vibrators, a strap-on, a dominatrix outfit ... oh, yeah, and a really big gun. > >"I brought everything I thought I might need already. Crow: How'd she get a thermonuclear weapon through customs, anyway? >It's at the hotel I'm staying at," replied Brea. "Who's the officer you >assigned me?" Mike: (Ramirez) Eh, some burnt-out homicide cop called Martin Riggs. You'll be fine. Tom: (Aya) I'm too old for this shit ... > >"Officer Leana Burley, she's been with the department one year." Crow: (Ramirez) Yes, we're giving you a wet-nosed rookie who can be slaughtered and raped at the Ultimate Being's leisure! > >"One year? Can't you assign me someone more experienced?" Mike: (Aya) I'm tired of playing schoolteacher. I want to be the naughty student for once ... > >"Sorry, she's the only officer I can spare right now. Crow: (Ramirez) All the others are too busy going on strike to protest their involvement in this lemon ... >I've increased patrols around town and added extra security to the >hospitals and city buildings." Tom: And as we all know, human police did *so* well in stopping Eve's rampage the last time ... > >"Alright, I guess she'll have to do," sighed Aya. "I better get >started." Crow: (Aya) Got places to go, things to see, people to do ... > >"Thank you, Det. Brea. Mike: (Aya) And don't call me Det. Tom: Det? That her middle name? No wonder she goes by Aya ... >I know you'll take this monster down," smiled Victor, shaking Brea's >hand again before watching her depart. Crow: (Ramirez) Either that, or you'll die a horrible, painful death after being raped multiple times ... but hey, that's a risk we gotta take, right? > >Aya stopped short when she saw the pony-tailed redhead waiting for her >in the hall. Tom: So when did Sam Jones join the New Haven PD? >Leana smacked loudly with her chewing gum, smiling at Aya in greeting. Mike: Alicia Silverstone IS Leana Burley in "Parasite Eve: Mating Season." > >"Hey! Welcome to New Haven!" said Leana, stretching out her hand. Crow: Cameo appearance by Mr. Fantastic. >Brea shook it politely, immediately walking forward after letting the >girl's hand go. Leana kept up easily, regarding her new partner. Tom: Doesn't catch on too quickly, does she? > >"I hear you killed some monsters in New York. Crow: (Leana) BOY, was John Gotti pissed ... Mike: Monsters, not mobsters ... >They trashed the Statue of Liberty along with a whole Naval fleet. Mike: Well, actually, it was *Aya* that destroyed the Statue of Libery with an atomic bomb ... Tom: Details, details ... just get to the sex already so we can go home! >You must be pretty hot stuff!" Crow: That she is ... *drools* > >"I don't like to brag," replied Aya, trying to remember the way out. Tom: (Aya) Let's see ... where'd I leave that butcher knife ... > >"So, do you have rocket launchers and assault rifles with you >somewhere?" Mike: Considering that would suggest PJ's being true to the game, not bloody likely. > >"Nope, just a pistol, a combat vest, and me." Crow: Yup, she's packin' a pair of .44s ... and I DON'T mean guns. > >"You're kidding!" Tom: (Garth) No way! Mike: (Wayne) Way! > >"I never kid," said Aya, stabbing Leana Tom: She killed her? Already? Mike: Alright! One less annoying character to deal with! >with an extremely sober look. Crow: Yeah, killing someone is always a pretty sober experience ... > >"Oh," retorted Leana, Tom: "Oh?" She just got stabbed, and all she has to say is "oh"? Mike: Uhm, guys, I don't think that was the kind of stabbing PJ meant ... Bots: DAMN! >chewing her gum, watching the blonde woman warily. Crow: (Valley Girl) Like, sha, what-ever-er! Like, suicide missions are SO last week ... > >"Do you have a patrol car?" asked Aya, zipping up her jacket as she >walked back out into the cold late afternoon air. Tom: (Aya) I love the smell of lemons in the afternoon ... > >"Yeah, I'll go bring it around front." > >"Thanks," said Aya, stuffing her hands into her jacket pockets for >warmth. Crow: I can think of warmer places to put them ... Mike: Oh really? Like where? Crow: Uhm ... her jeans pockets, maybe? Tom: Nice save, Crow. Crow: Bite me. > >Leana brought the patrol car to the foot of the police building's >stairs. Mike: (Building) AAAAHHH!!! You ran over my foot! >Aya climbed in, strapping on her Crow: A lesbian scene already? Tom: Hell yeah! Whip out the double-headed dildos and whipped cream! Mike: *sighs* >seatbelt Bots: D'OH!!! >and opening her mind to any strange sensations. Crow: (Aya) Electrified nipple clamps? Sounds kinky ... >She detected an anomaly almost immediately, a wrongness somewhere to >the north. Mike: I'm detecting a wrongness right in front of me ... and it's got this lemon written all over it. > >"Are there any warehouses or abandoned buildings to the north?" Tom: (Leana) Well, there's that place where we used to store all our Hamdingers ... Crow: (Aya) Nah, it couldn't be that ... nobody likes Hamdingers ... > >"Yeah, there's some old apartments that way." > >"Take us there." Mike: (Aya) Calgon, take me away ... > >"Sure," nodded Leana, blowing a small pink bubble with her gum, Tom: That's not the only thing that's going to be blown in this lemon, I'm guessing ... >accelerating down the street towards the north side of town. Crow: Leana pops the clutch and tells New Haven to eat her dust! > >*** Mike: *singing* One, two, three strikes you're out ... > >"Nnoo!" screamed the naked girl Mike: (Girl) I don't WANT to be in this lemon anymore! >just before her belly exploded in a cloud of blood and entrails. Mike: (Girl) Thank you! Crow: Great Red Serpent, this is your life! Tom: Exploding fetus, HOOO!!! > >The fetus trembling on the floor quickly grew to manhood, Tom: (Fetus) Boy, that 2 1/2 seconds of puberty was pure hell ... >his skin dark and scaly, his arms and legs throbbing with distorted >muscles. Mike: *ominously* For he had become ... Hollywood Hulk Hogan. Tom: God, no! Anything but that! >The Ultimate Being nodded in satisfaction, Crow: (UB) It stinks! >another soldier for his army had been born. The large humanoid >negligently stretched out a huge right hand, Tom: (The Rock) The Ultimate Being, he is gonna take his huge right hand, raise the Ultimate Eyebrow, and lay the smack down on this lemon's candy ass! >his fingers stretching forward to entwine a naked fifteen year old >girl. Crow: (UB) For me? Oh, you shouldn't have ... Tom: (UB) Mmmm! Two more of these, and I get my official Dark Sonic merit badge! >She screamed in terror Tom: (Girl) Please don't make me have sex with the evil CGI effect! >as the Ultimate Being slowly absorbed her into his glowing, transparent >body mass. Mike: Well, that's a relief, I suppose. >Her flesh melted and dissolved within him, Mike: *burps* Ulp ... I was wrong. >bringing him a moment of pure sensual bliss. Tom: (UB) Ahhhh ... Seinfeld. > >Baring long, razor sharp fangs, the naked Ultimate Being rose from the >broken couch, Crow: Rise and Bang, young Ultimate Being ... >walking over to a glass-less window. Mike: Ah, I see the guy from Virtuosity's been through here ... >He stared out into the dusk, smelling the life waiting to be absorbed, Tom: (UB) I love the smell of life in the evening ... >waiting to feed his limitless hunger. Crow: Fortunately, they had an All-You-Can-Eat buffet of life at the local Sizzler ... > >"Brea," growled the Ultimate Being with pleasure--his mate had finally >arrived. Tom: For Paul Hogan had come at last ... > >*** Crow: Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, finally read a story that doesn't bite ... > >"Are you okay?" asked Leana with a frown. Tom: (Leana) Do you usually rotate your head 360 degrees and spew pea soup everywhere? > >"I feel hot," panted Aya as she lowered the window on her side, Mike: ... then stuck her head out of it, her nose twitching as she took in the smells ... >the cold air a welcome respite as it washed across her perspiring skin. > >"Maybe we should hold off until tomorrow, Crow: Never put off 'till tomorrow who you can screw today ... >it's getting dark anyway." > >"Yes. Take me to my hotel room." Bots: WHOO-HOO!!! *begin dancing around the theater* Mike: Guys, calm down ... it's not like you've never seen lesbians before. Crow: Yeah, but never THIS good-looking ... > >Leana drove in silence, following Aya's whispered directions. Tom: (Aya) Put your finger here ... then suck on this ... yes, that's just right ... Mike: Calm down, you guys ... Crow: But it's lesbians, Mike! Lesbians-lesbians-lesbians! >She let the woman off in the parking lot, promising to come back in the >morning. Bots: ... NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Mike: I told you guys ... now c'mon, sit down. We can *do* this, guys. (The Bots take their seats, reluctantly) >Aya didn't wait to watch Leana depart, Crow: (Aya) I'm glad to see you go, but I hate to watch you leave ... >she quickly entered her room and locked the door behind her. Tom: To keep those pesky Tommyknocker people out, no doubt. >She tore off her clothes, Crow: O_o Mike: Crow, you OK? Crow: Yeah ... seeing Aya in the buff almost gave me an aneurism of the fuel pump, though ... >her skin burning intensely, Tom: (Jim Ross) MAH GOD! Aya has just been set on fire! >her crotch itching so much it drove her crazy. Mike: Well, hey, we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy ... >Aya turned on the shower as high as it would go, stepping inside and >sliding the plastic drape in place. Crow: (Aya) Well, hello there, Norman Bates. How are you doing tod-URK! >She sighed as the ice cold water washed over her naked body, somewhat >cooling the fire burning over her. Tom: I do believe ... yes, Crow, we have conformation of T.H.O.! Bots: WHOOO!!! Mike: You two ... >She pressed her left hand against the tiled wall, lowering her right >hand to idly scratch her quivering pussy. All: O_O Crow: Well, I guess she just got tired of singing old jingles in the shower ... >The moment her fingers touched her labia, she gasped as the fire washed >over her again. Crow: (Aya) Fire Whack With Me ... Mike: Crow ... >She leaned heavily against the shower wall, her fingers rubbing up and >down her cunt desperately. Bots: *singing* You put your finger in, you take your finger out ... > >"Feel…so hot," gasped Aya, sliding two fingers into her slit, Mike: Boy, are Quinn and Rembrant going to be surprised where they pop out THIS time ... >pumping them back and forth energetically. She placed her right cheek >against the cool wet tile, her mouth open and panting, her right hand >dancing inside her vagina, Tom: She's a maniac, maniac, in her vagina! Crow: And she's masturbating like she's never masturbated before! >stroking the throbbing pink walls of her tunnel. Crow: *Roman captain* STROKE! STROKE! STRO- Mike: OK, Crow ... >Aya sat down on the floor of the shower stall, Tom: (Aya) Man, these masturbation scenes wear you out ... >leaning back against the far wall, spreading her slim legs wide apart. Crow: (Police) SPREAD 'EM! >She let the cold water pound her melting pussy, Crow: Yes, it's Liquid Vagina 2: Melting Boogaloo! Mike: Uhm, Crow? That was a bit obscure ... Crow: So's half the riffs we make. Why stop now? >she pried her cunt lips apart, Tom: (Aya) *grunts* Damn, I better get the pliars ... >letting the water stream wash into her vagina. Crow: (Motherly) I'm going to wash your vagina out with soap, young lady! >She grasped her left breast, squeezing it while she rubbed her cunt, Mike: Jeez, I can't even rub my stomach and pat my head at the same time ... >the itching overpowering every other sensation on her body. > >"Make it stop," groaned Aya, Tom: No thanks ... I'm actually enjoying this part ... >her lips trembling, her pussy moist with her juices as she re-inserted >two fingers into her cunt, Tom: And yet another self-insertion occurs in the land of fanfiction ... >shoved them deep into her hole. She rammed her fingers as far as they >would go, Crow: (Scottie) I just canna go any further anymore, captain! I don't ... have ... the power! >then increased the number to three. Tom: Well, three's company, I suppose ... Mike: *singing* I've been playing with my pussy, all the live-long day ... Bots: ??? Mike: What, you think I can't be hentai when I wanna be? >Her pussy shivered helplessly, Crow: (Frank N. Further) With mastur- (Long pause) Crow: -bation. >warm honey gushed out, covering her hand and her dripping inner thighs. Tom: I would make a Winnie the Pooh joke, but those are already getting old ... >Aya's breasts heaved with strain, All: HEAAAVE!!! >her nipples so hard they hurt. Crow: (PJ) Yeah, those things were hard all right! I mean HARD! You could cut glass with those suckers, buddy! They were ... Mike: Alright, Crow, we get it. Crow: Sorry ... >Aya looked down at her glistening pink cunt, Tom: (Aya) Here, kitty kitty kitty ... >she opened the petals of her labia, driving her fingers again and again >into her narrow slit. Crow: (Aya) Dammit, I KNOW I left my keys in somewhere ... >She felt the orgasm approaching, a rumbling explosion like nothing she >had ever felt before. Mike: Then she realized that was just the atomic bomb testing facility down the road ... >She screamed when the climax burst in her brain, Tom: So masturbating caused her to have a "stroke". Thank you! (Mike silently whaps Tom on the back of the head) >her whole naked body shaking as cum sprayed out of her pussy Crow: Good lord! She's a Super Soaker! Tom: THAR SHE BLOWS!!! >to splash against the far wall of the shower stall. Mike: Behold, the earth-shaking power of Aya Brea and her MIGHTY CUMS!!! >A second orgasm followed the first, Crow: *singing* Second verse, same as the first ... Tom: (Orgasm) Hey! Wait up for me, man! >Aya writhed against the water slick wall, Mike: She's having convulsions! Call 911! Tom: Yeah, PJ has that effect on me, too, sometimes ... >she bit her lower lip Crow: (Aya) Hmmm ... tastes like chicken! >so hard she cut it, blood trickling down her chin to mingle with the >water and cum pooling beneath her on the shower floor. Crow: Blood and water and cum, oh my! > >The itching slowly faded away, Tom: For Aya used extra-strength topical cream for her jock itch. >leaving Aya exhausted and weak. Mike: ... and about to dehydrate, since she'd just spent 94% of the liquid in her body in that geyser a little while back ... >She staggered up from the stall's floor, turning off the freezing >water, then limply climbing out. Crow: (Aya) Must ... get to ... Jolt Cola ... >She stumbled out into the bedroom, falling on top of the bed, Tom: MITCHELL! >her naked body still damp with moisture. Already she could feel her >pussy yearning again, Mike: For it wanted it's Whiska's, and would not stop until it was fed! >hungering for something she couldn't comprehend. Crow: What's so complicated about it? She's been driven to horniness by the all-consuming Lemon Field surrounding this story! Tom: (Aya) I must have more Ratliff technobabble! > >Aya had a hunch about what was happening, Tom: (Aya) Damn. I'm in a lemon again, aren't I? >a hunch that frightened her more than when she'd faced the deadly and >beautiful Eve. Crow: With the stipulation "loser gets stuck on the bottom ..." Mike: Crow ... >She had to kill the Ultimate Being, Tom: Yes, friends act now, destroy the Ultimate Being! Kill the Grand Poo-bah! Eliminate even the TOUGHEST stains! Mike: Tom, you've been watching too much Transformers. Tom: Do not mock the mighty Junkions, fleshling! >had to kill it before she became what it was, a monster. Crow: Before she, too, was forced to become part of the evil Gates Empire. > >----- Mike: Guys, I think PJ has just crossed the final line ... > >(II) Tom: Boys II Men? Crow: Girls II Girls? Mike: Girls II Tentacles? > >Leana left the convenience store Crow: (Leana) That Abu is such a DARLING little man ... >with two steaming cups of coffee in hand. Tom: She then spilled both cups on her lap and sued PJ for a million dollars. >The morning was unusually warm, the sun blazing in a perfectly clear >sky. Mike: *singing* The hillls are aliiive with the taaaste of lemooons ... >Leana got into her patrol car, setting the two coffees on the passenger >seat before igniting the engine and Tom: ... setting off the pound of C-4 that had been left in her engine compartment, blowing her into many tiny bite-size pieces. >easing out of the small parking area. Crow: Man, even the parking lot's scoring! Tom: I wonder if they have DJ Ran up in their area? >She hadn't had a lot of time to read up on the case, Mike: ... so spent it reading articles in "Seventeen" instead. >although she had found out that over a dozen teenagers and young women >had disappeared in the north side of town. Tom: Good thing it didn't happen on the West Side, or they'd have to deal with Master P ... Crow: Then maybe he'd get killed and we wouldn't have to put up with him on Nitro anymore ... >When she had reported in early that morning, Ramirez had begun >concentrating Mike: (Ramirez) Quick! It's Leana! Look busy! >more patrols in the north, hopefully that would turn up something. >Leana didn't completely believe that some monster was responsible for >the abductions. Tom: Instead, she only 89% believed it. Crow: The other 11% believed that the aliens from X-Files were behind it. >Oh, sure, something had happened in New York Mike: ... the Stay-Puft Marshmellow Man, Godzilla attacking, the aliens blowing it up ... >that killed all those people, but it couldn't have been mutants Tom: When X-Men go bad. >driven by insane mitochondria. Crow: Ignorance, anyone? Tom: Insane in the membrane ... insane in the mitochondria! > >Leana drove into the parking square of the hotel where Brea was >staying. Leana killed the engine, Mike: And did 5-9 years in the State Penn. >waiting in front of Brea's room, picking up her own coffee and sipping >it before it got cold. Tom: Ignoring the fact that in all likelihood it would have spilled all over the upholstry ... >The young officer waited for over twenty minutes, then finally gave in >to impatience, Tom: (Palpatine) Give into your anger ... Crow: (Yoda) Impatience, anger, hatred ... the Dark Side are they. Being in a lemon, the result is. >getting out of her car and marching towards the hotel room door. Mike: (Leana) Hup-two-three-four, who is it that we explore? > >The moaning coming from inside the room alerted Leana at once. Tom: (Leana) Someone's getting laid? And I wasn't invited? >She quickly readied her M84F pistol, chambering a round Crow: Yeah, I always hate it when the load isn't ready to fire ... >before trying the doorknob. Mike: Cue the awkward walk-in scene. >The door was unlocked, allowing Leana to slowly push the portal >inwards. Tom: Man, Damocles is gonna be pissed ... >Leana's eyes widened at the sight before her: Crow: (Leana) Frames only?!? NOOOOOO!!! >a naked Aya sitting astride an extremely ugly, obese man. Mike: Paul Bearer? Tom: Fat Bastard? Crow: Rush Limbaugh? Mike: Santa Claus after being hit by a truck? Tom: Vader? Mike: Yokozuna? Crow: Hump-ty Dumpty? Mike: Crow ... Crow: Heh-heh-heh ... >Aya's body was drenched in sweat, Mike: (Aya) Never try to do Tae Bo before sex ... >her hips thrusting violently forward, shoving the fat man's cock Tom: Oh God ... it IS Paul Bearer! All: NOOOOOOOO!!! Crow: I don't know how, but I think I've just been rendered sterile ... >into her cunt. Aya seemed completely oblivious to Leana's presence, a >strange expression of rapt ecstasy lay across her face. Mike: The Lemon Field must have dissolved her brain already ... >The fat man was wheezing loudly, Tom: (Fat Man) My heart ... >his pudgy hands holding tightly to Aya's shapely hips. Aya had her >hands pressed against her lover's hairy chest, Crow: (Aya) Damn, you have bigger tits than *I* do ... Mike: *sickly* CROW ... >her breasts jiggling, All: *singing* Jiiiiigglyyypuuuuuuffff ... >sweat dripping from her nipples as she moaned deeply, an orgasm >overcoming her All: *groan* Tom: Jeez, even *I* wouldn't use that pun ... >flushed body. The fat man gasped with his own climax, his small cock >spitting All: *PTOOIE!!!* >a thin stream of cum into Aya's belly. Tom: Is that anything like a jet stream? Mike: I should hope not ... Crow: (Vaguely foreign) Vhy am ah covered in goo? > >"Finished?" inquired Leana, leaning against the doorframe, her pistol >back in her belt holster. Mike: (Leana) Oh, you lovable slut, you ... Tom: (Aya) Why, Leana, is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? > >"Aw, shit!" exclaimed the wide-eyed fat man, Mike: (Fat man) The Undertaker'll kill me if he finds out about this ... >crawling out from under Aya and grabbing his discarded clothes. > >"Don't worry about the bill. Tom: Ah, it's President Clinton. That explains it. >You can stay here free as long as you want," stammered the hotel >manager before he waddled out of the musky bedroom. Mike: Not a joke, but an incredible simulation. Tom: Can I stop vomiting now? > >Leana glanced at the departing manager, Tom: (Leana) Damn, he gainaxes more than I do ... >then turned her icy gaze upon Aya, who lay lazily upon the wrinkled, >sweat damp sheets. Mike: (Leana) WHAT am I to do with you, young lady? Crow: (Aya) Punish me? Please? > >"I'll wait in the car while you hose off. Tom: I thought the fat guy already did that for her? >Some more people disappeared last night, Mike: (Leana) Apparently, they just couldn't stand to be in this story anymore. >we should really check out the north side," said Leana before she >disappeared Crow: Whoa, nice trick! Can she make PJ disappear? Tom: No, but I hear Joe Pesci can for a price. >back to the patrol car. Mike: And then she went back ... to the FUTURE! > >Aya appeared a short time later in the doorway of her room, Tom: (Aya) Helloooo, me ... >locking the door, then walking casually to the passenger door to let >herself in. Belting herself to the chair, Crow: Whoa ... they have a portable electric chair? Tom: ... she then belted herself across the face for being in this lemon. >Aya opened her coffee cup and drained the cold liquid Mike: (Aya) Decaf?!? DIE!!! >in a few massive gulps, desperate for the caffeine. Tom: Jamie Jeans, in a role that will disturb the hell out of you. >Leana shook her head, starting the car and gliding back out into the >late morning traffic. Crow: Damn that Ator and his stupid hang-glider ... Tom: She was promptly sideswiped by a gasoline truck, which overturned and incenerated half the town. Mike: *sadly* Why don't they look? > >"What was that all about?" began Leana, keeping her eyes on the road. Tom: Instead of in her head, where they belonged. Crow: (Aya) Eh, the author just had to have his little DSI fun ... Mike: Crow, you'll get us flamed ... > >"I'd rather not say." > >"I figured a girl like you would be more picky." Crow: Forget picky ... she could go out on the street and find someone better than Paul Bearer there... Mike: (Leana) But then, I never met a girl like you before ... > >"Let's just try to concentrate on the case," replied Aya, Tom: Parasite Eve lemons; not from concentrate. >not looking at Leana at all. Crow: For fear that she would see the passion burning in her eyes ... > >"Sure," said Leana, lapsing into a cool silence. Mike: As opposed to a hot, steamy one. > >They reached the north side without mishap, Tom: Well, other than that busload of nuns they ran off the road, and the kindergarden class they mowed down, and the mime ... >Aya scanning the streets and buildings with her enhanced senses. Crow: (Data) I'm detecting a bad lemon scene ahead, Captain. >She felt the Ultimate Being's presence almost at once, Tom: Since there was a huge sign that said "Secret Hideout of Ultimate Being, 5 miles" ... >her skin becoming hot as they drew closer. Crow: (Aya) Whew! I'm gettin' hot flashes! > >"He's close. Slow down," ordered Aya tersely. Mike: Tersely? Looks like someone's been reading the Warrior's thesaurus ... > >"Should I call for support?" Tom: (Leana) My double-underwires just aren't enough anymore! > >"No, they won't be able to help," replied Aya with a shake of her head. Crow: Just in case Leana was suddenly stricken deaf. > >They drove down several more blocks before Aya instructed Leana Mike: (Leana) Ooo, we're playing school now? Kinky ... >to park in front of an abandoned apartment building. Crow: Since all small towns just have dozens of those just lying around ... >The apartment was built from faded red brick, Tom: Hey guys, it's a brick ... HOUSE! >five stories high with boarded up windows and no sign of occupation. >There was no pedestrian traffic at all, the entire block seemed >deserted and lifeless. Crow: Since abandoned apartments are usually such hot teen hang-outs ... > >"Stay sharp," warned Aya, Tom: (Joel) Stay frosty ... >leaving the car Crow: (Aya) You just can't satisfy me anymore. It's over! Mike: (Amanda Berman) CAAAARRRR!!! >and climbing up the short flight of steps to the apartment's main >doors. Tom: Passing Doug E. Doug as she did so. Crow: (Doug E. Doug) Hey, mon, this my stoop! Get cho own! Mike: You guys think anybody will know what you're talking about? Tom: Don't know, and don't care, either. >She peeked between several boards that sealed the broken doors shut. Crow: A lovely police detective endulges in her secret desires in the voyeur story, "Pair of Site Eve" ... >Detecting no one on the other side, Mike: (Aya) Yo! Mark Calloway! You there? >Aya grasped a board and snapped it away easily. Tom: AYA SMASH PUNY BOARD! > >Leana stood a short distance down the steps from Aya, her right hand >clasped over the butt of her pistol. Crow: (Pistol) Hey, that's harassment, lady! >Aya tore enough boards away to get through the right hand door, she >crouched low as she carefully entered the consuming blackness. Tom: And then found herself staring at a strange man with pins in his face ... >Leana followed Aya reluctantly, Crow: (Leana) Oh, all RIGHT ... I'll go in to my probable rape/murder ... >but she steeled her frayed nerves and entered the building after Brea. >The interior of the building was hot, almost muggy, Tom: ... partly cloudy, and with a slight chance of rain. >as Aya and Leana made their way across the empty first floor to a >single staircase that went up. Crow: Resident Evil, this is your life. >All of the interior walls had been smashed down, Mike: Ah, I see Motley Crue used to stay here. >the entire floor was one single dark chamber. Tom: Man, Banshee won't be pleased when he finds out Jono's been doing lemons ... >Leana wiped sweat from her face, the air hot as it entered her nose and >mouth. Crow: (Air) Does this bug you? I'm not touching you. Does this bug you? >Aya seemed unaffected by the sweltering heat, she glanced quickly from >side to side, her pistol held tightly in both hands. > >Aya led the way upstairs, to a long hallway with numerous doors on >either side. Mike: A bumbling detective then walked by, entered one of the rooms, and was shot dead. Tom: *shudders* Bad flashback there, Mike ... >When the young women had traveled halfway down the hall, Tom: In a car that read "Ultimate Being or Bust" ... Crow: I'd pick the busts, myself. >doors smashed apart around them, disgorging tall, muscled creatures Mike: Yes, for the Ultimate Being had subjugated the World Wrestling Federation to his will! >with scaly skin and long, sharp claws. Mike: Well, maybe not. >The monsters roared as they attacked, two smashing into Aya and >propelling her into one of the apartments. Mike: Dino, NOOOOO!!! Crow: (Leana) That little slut always gets all the guys ... Tom: (Monster) Allow me to show you this apartment ... it's got a wonderful view, cable attatchments, and free DEATH! > >Leana spun around Mike: ... in a complete circle, causing her to fall down and get her head ripped off. >to face the three scaly things racing towards her. Tom: It's the Golden Girls! NOOOOO!!! >She gritted her teeth as she fired her gun, Crow: (Leana) This is my BOOM stick! >bullets slapping wetly into one of the monsters. Tom: (Bullet) I'll HARM you!!! >The lizard man screeched in pain, Mike: (Lizard Man) All I wanted was a Klondike Bar ... >but it barely slowed its charge, even as green blood poured from its >wounds. Leana fired four more times, Crow: (Leana) Eat hot chocolately death, or something ... >finally hitting the lizard man in the throat. He choked on his own >blood, falling to the floor Tom: (Dr. Smith) Oh, the pain, the pain of it all ... >while his two comrades kept advancing without thought. Mike: Ah, they're Microsoft employees. >Leana whimpered involuntarily while she emptied her mag Crow: (Leana) I hate these stupid magazine inserts! I hate them! >into a second lizard man, blasting his skull apart, Tom: (Lizard Man) I've SUCH a headache ... >coating the walls and her face with dripping green gore. > >Aya stuffed her pistol into the gaping maw of her first attacker Mike: (Aya) Chew on this, dino-boy ... >and fired, exploding the back of the creature's skull. All: WA-TAK!!! >As the corpse spasmed and fell aside, she kicked her second attacker in >the crotch, All: SWEET GROIN MUSIC!!! >propelling him away with an outstretched right leg. While the lizard >man jumped to his feet to prepare for a second lunge, Crow: Uhm ... not quite ... Mike: Yeah, being kicked in the jewels isn't something you can really recover from all that easily ... >Aya fired twice more, her bullets blowing huge holes in his thick >chest. Tom: Almost as big as the huge holes in the plot. > >Breathing heavily, Aya ran back out into the hall, just as two lizard >men pounced on Leana, knocking her gun away and ripping into her >uniform. Mike: Aw, no ... please tell me we're not gonna have another monster-rape scene ... >Aya leveled her pistol with both hands, Tom: (Roland) I do not shoot with my gun; I shoot with my mind. >aiming carefully before squeezing off one shot. Crow: Because if she spilled any, there would be hell to pay. >One of the attackers jerked All: ACK! Tom: Dammit, PJ! The Aya masturbation scene was good, THIS is not! >as the bullet rocketed through his head. Mike: I dunno, I can't see a bullet smashing through my brain as putting me in a very sexy mood ... >As he fell, Aya fired once at the remaining monster, opening a neat >hole in the front of his neck. Crow: Well, at least she didn't make a mess. >Steaming green blood spurted over Leana's already dripping form. Crow: Then again ... > >"Gross," moaned Leana, flicking blood off of her hands. Tom: (Leana) Ewww! Blood! > >*Come to me, Aya,* whispered a voice in Brea's mind. Mike: (Voice) Let us finish this lemon, once and for all ... >She spun to look down towards the end of the hall, where a beautiful >nude man floated in the air, Crow: (Aya) Oooo ... a bishonen! >beckoning for her to join him. > >"What is it?" asked Leana, Tom: (Aya) A lemon scene waiting to happen. >wiping more blood off of her face with her shirtsleeve. Mike: I never thought of Leana as one to do the wetwork ... > >"Nothing, we better keep moving," said Aya, ejecting her pistol clip >for a fresh one. > >*** > >Aya and Leana reached the fifth floor All: WHA?!? Crow: But ... but ... he was RIGHT THERE! Why the hell did they go all the way back up there? Tom: Doooi ... it make no sense ... *begins smoking* Mike: Hang on, guys! Stick together, we can make it! Bots: *nod shakily* >without being attacked by more monsters. Crow: For they had the Moogle Charm equipped. >The heat became more intense as they climbed higher, Tom: ... as HHH came out and challanged the Undertaker to a title match. >Leana had to unbutton her shirt halfway, her cleavage gleaming with >perspiration. Bots: ^_^ Mike: Heh ... see, guys? I told you to hang on ... >Aya looked almost joyful as she climbed each level, Crow: (Aya) I'm going to my possible eminent death! Huzzah! >she licked her lips, her eyes burning with hunger. Tom: She better get some Visine for that. > >"You better wait here, Leana. Mike: (Aya) We've got a lemon scene coming up, and you're not invited. >Eve could kill people with a glance, you'll be safer here." Crow: (Aya) Where you can be violated by lizard men instead. > >"What about you?" > >"I was… Tom: (Aya) ... really drunk when I agreed to this lemon. >resistant to her attacks. I'll be okay." > >"Be careful." > >Aya nodded briefly, Crow: Not knowing that that was the signal for the guerillas in Guatemala to begin the invasion ... >Leana forgotten as she climbed the last staircase to the fifth floor. >She opened the door slowly, Tom: *ominously* What waits Behind the Green Door? >her pistol ready in her right hand. Crow: And her condoms ready in her left ... Mike: Crow ... > >Brea narrowed her eyes Tom: (Aya) Ah, PJ. I find you at last ... now, you shall pay for your crimes! >against the musk-filled air. The huge room was almost foggy with heat >and an overwhelming sultriness. Crow: Ah, Debra must be on. >Aya closed the door, leaning against it when her legs shook with >weakness. Tom: She's about to fall apart! Crow: Maybe then the lemon will end! Huzzah! > >"Aya, you've come to me," purred a strong, masculine voice. Mike: Artemis? > >A man emerged from behind a fluid carved pillar, Tom: Exactly how do you carve fluid? Crow: By freezing it, maybe? How should I know? >naked and perfect in every way. Mike: Curt Hennig lemons? Ughhh ... >Aya's eyes traveled up and down the man, Crow: (Aya) Hellloooo, nurse ... >soaking in his massively firm chest, bulging arms, and huge erection. Crow: Ah, I see the Ultimate Being's been using Vanilla Ice's formula ... Tom: Say what? Crow: Some guy wrote a yaoi lemon about Vanilla Ice where he had a potion that made his dong grow over a foot in length ... Others: *turn an interesting shade of green* > "Join me," smiled the Ultimate Being, his voice a song in Aya's blood. Mike: For he sings whenever he sings whenever he sings ... >Aya stumbled towards him without thinking, Tom: (Aya) Yes! I SHALL buy the new Hanson album! >reaching out to clasp his hand. > >"No!" shouted Aya, looking away from the Ultimate Being, Crow: Look away, look away, look away, from the lemon ... >fighting the craving that throbbed within her pussy. Mike: Horny? Why wait? Snickers! > >"Join me and you will be complete. Crow: (UB) And together we will rule the uni-oh, wait. >You can never be an ordinary human. Mike: Neither can Pamela Anderson, but she gets along OK ... >You are better than them, you will be a queen." Tom: (Aya) CALL ME QUEEN!!! OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO ... Mike: *slapping his hand over Tom's mouth* Do that again, and I burn your signed pair of Madonna's panties. Tom: Oooooh ... > >"I killed you before," moaned Aya, hugging herself, Crow: (Mankind) I am afraid ... of what I might do ... when I no longer ... have control ... of my mind ... >shaking with shame and confusion. All: *singing* I don't know if I am real without you ... > >"I cannot die. Tom: It's the Lemon That Wouldn't Die! >I exist in all forms of life, without me there can be no life. I am >power, power that you can have." Crow: (UB) If you only knew the power of the Hentai Side of the Force ... > >"I don't want it!" hissed Aya, Mike: (Aya) Stupid *power*. God, I hate it. >turning her back to the tall, handsome man. Crow: Oooo, anal sex. Kinky. Mike: ... > >"You do, I can feel your body calling to me," grinned the Ultimate >Being, Tom: (UB) And it's NOT calling 1-800-COLLECT! Crow: Her mouth says no, but her body says yes ... >placing his large hands on Aya's upper arms. "We will be one." Mike: *singing* Darkness, imprisoning me, all that I see, absolute horror ... Tom: Well, you got the last part right ... > >"No," whispered Aya, falling back against the Ultimate Being's body, >relaxing in his hot embrace. Crow: Talk about mixed messages ... she says no right before she jumps on top of him? > >"I love you," murmured the Ultimate Being All: Awwwww ... Tom: This would bring a tear to Stone Cold's eye ... >in Aya's right ear before he kissed the side of her neck. > >Aya shuddered when his lips touched her skin, Crow: (Aya) Ewww! Cooties! >her entire body ignited into an inferno of lust. Tom: She then put on a leather mask and called herself Kane. Crow: Aya in spandex ... *drools* >She turned around to face the Ultimate Being, she kissed him roughly, >eagerly. Mike: Looks like they took their Smints ... >He grasped her buttocks tightly, returning her embrace, Crow: And turning her into a Ravnos vampire. >caressing her tongue with his own. Aya violently tore off her clothes, Tom: Hot damn! She IS eager! Crow: Uhm, Mike? Remember that comment I made about being sterile? Mike: Yeah? Crow: No need to worry about it, I think I'm cured ... *sighs blissfully* >wanting to remove all obstacles between her and her mate. Tom: For Crocadile Dundee 2 WOULD be hers! >The Ultimate Being moved his hands up and down Aya's bare back, every >touch making Aya shiver with bliss. Crow: (Frank N. Furter) And shudder with antici- Tom: You've done that one already, Crow. Crow: DAMN! >The Ultimate Being pushed Aya onto the wood floor, Mike: (UB) Where my money, ho? >kissing her lips, her neck, her breasts. Tom: Uhm ... how'd he do this if he's still standing up? Crow: Maybe he has really, really big lips? >Aya groaned loudly, spreading her legs apart, offering herself to her >nemesis. Mike: (Aya) Go ahead, let's get this lemon scene over with ... >The Ultimate Being crushed Aya's tits in his hands, Tom: Ending up with only bloody mush. Crow: Oh, just ruin it for me, why don't you? >his mouth pressed over hers while he rubbed the tip of his enormous >cock Mike: *sighs* And we have monster phallus ... >up and down Aya's quivering slit. > >"Take me," begged Aya Crow: (Aya) To Sears! I need new clothes ... Mike: (UB) Gee, let me think ... uhm, sure. Tom: Does he know about her affair with Paul Bearer earlier? Crow: Urk ... don't remind me ... >before she kissed the Ultimate Being, Tom: (Aya) Just bang me instead of kissin' me to death! >his mouth quenching the fire that burned all over her flesh. Tom: The Ultimate Being; living embodiment of mitochondrial evil, and part-time fire extinguisher. > >The Ultimate Being thrust into Aya's pussy, his hips moving smoothly >against hers. Mike: Smooth as sandpaper, that is ... >Aya moaned ecstatically, Tom: (Aya, apathetic) Oh, *yay*. God help me contain my joy. >her arms wrapped around her lover's neck. Aya's eyes began to glow with >a bright violet light. Crow: (Aya) HEAT VISION! Mike: No, this is purple. I think she's doing the Omega Effect! >She shoved her crotch against the Ultimate Being's, Tom: Thus doing the Time Warp again. >propelling his shaft even deeper into her stomach. The Ultimate Being >extended a tendril Crow: Oh, is *that* what they're calling it these days? >that wrapped gently around her neck, caressing her graceful throat. Tom: And then breaking her graceful neckbone. The end. >Two more tendrils emerged from the Being's chest, Mike: Didn't we already see this at the beginning? Tom: I think so. The lemon's lapped itself! >encircling Aya's sweat slick tits. He grasped Aya's smooth hips, >raising her crotch into the air Crow: For some reason, I'm getting a twisted version of that monkey raising Simba into the air ... >so he could ram her pussy easier. All: RAMMING SPEED! >Aya's mouth hung limply open, Tom: (Aya) Duuuuh ... I like muffins ... Mike: *attempts to push Aya's mouth closed again* >she panted as the Ultimate Being pounded into her vagina, the walls of >her hole clutching his member greedily. Crow: I always knew Courtney Love was a greedy little ... Mike: Stop it right there, Crow. Tom: (Aya's vagina) My member! Mine! You can't have it! > >Aya's eyes were still violet when she orgasmed, Mike: Then she took her contacts out, and they turned blue again. >her cunt dribbling honey over the Ultimate Being's throbbing shaft. The >Ultimate Being trembled with pleasure, Crow: (Macho Man) OOOO YEAHH, dig it! >then staggered away, his cock slowly dissolving from Aya's juices. All: O_O Crow: Holy ... now THAT'S what I call a potent pussy! Mike: *attempts to rebuke Crow, but can only clutch his area in sympathy pains* > >"What? No!" exclaimed the Ultimate Being Tom: (UB) Killed by a Plot Contrivance ... what a way to go ... >as Aya's mitochondria devoured his, Crow: And then bellowed, "Mmmmmm ... BEEEFY!!!" >invading every cell of his body, disintegrating him. Mike: Thusly, he was removed from the game entirely. >He stumbled to the far wall, collapsing into a pile of ash. Tom: He then went on to film three Evil Dead movies. > >Aya lay on the floor, breathing deeply. The fire was gone, Mike: 'Cuz, y'know, she didn't light it, but she tried to fight it ... >her body was her own again. > >She got back into her clothes, Tom: Despite the fact that she'd ripped them to shreds earlier ... >finally noticing that the pillars decorating the room were really the >melded bodies of the missing teens, Crow: Mr. Spock was arraigned in Superior Court this afternoon for Abuse of the Vulcan Teen-Meld. In a moment, the results of that trial. Tom: Not too swift on the uptake, is she? >gradually collapsing into puddles of steaming goo. Frowning in disgust, Mike: (Aya) ICK! Smells like Detroit in here! >Aya left the stench filled chamber, descending weakly down the stairs >to where Leana stood waiting. > >"What was all that noise?" Tom: Oh, AC/DC had a concert across the street. No big deal. > >"I found the kidnapper. He won't be a problem anymore," said Aya, >continuing down the stairs. Crow: Not a joke, but an incredible simulation. > >THE END All: WHOO-HOO!!! Tom: Another one down! Mike: He shall never break our spirits! Hah! > >***************** Crow: (Private) Sir! The enemy is firing! Mike: Let's blow this joint ... (All exuent) (.69 ... 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... 7) (SoL. Mike and the Bots look somewhat haggard, but still sane) Mike: Man, two fanfics in a row ... that'll put a hurtin' on you, alright. Crow: Yeah, but we went right through it. Heck, it didn't work with Trapped/Oscar Toon, and it didn't work now! Tom: Yeah! You'll never smash our souls, Forrester! NEVER!!! Mike: Alright, settle down there, guys. We've got some more fan mail to read. Crow: You mean someone ELSE bothered to write to us? Man. Mike: Yuppers. Anyway, QHDF98B@prodigy.com writes: "Hi. Um....Im Jillian," All: Hi, Jillian! "and I was wondering how I could....contact, Mike, Crow, or Tom: The people who made comments on the text of FF7:The Quest for Aeris ....contact me at QHDF98B@prodigy.com for more information if you need me to be more specific.... Thank you SOOO much..... C-Ya!!! Jillian" Mike: Thanks for writing in, Jillian. The answer to your question is ... you just did! Tom: Just in case we need to be more specific, you can write to us with your comments and questions at Discord999@aol.com (shameless plug, shameless plug). Crow: And if you want to send a nude picture of yourself, that's more than OK, too. Mike: Crow, quit propisitioning the audience. *MADs light flashes* What do you think, sirs? (D-13. Dr. Forrester looks disappointed, but undefeated) Dr. F: Ah, so "Mating Call" failed to break your souls, hmmm? Ah, well. If TWO fics in a row won't destroy you, maybe THREE will! Frank, send them ... "Silly Minako". Frank: Sure thing, Ste- (Suddenly, the fic-sending machine explodes violently) Frank: AHHHHH!!! Oh, the humanity! (SoL) Crow: Mike ... did I just see what I thought I saw? Mike: I think so, Crow ... you know what that means? Tom: Yup! No more experiments! All: *begin dancing and singing* No more experiments, no more experiments ... (D-13. Dr. F and Frank seem singed, but otherwise alright) Dr. F: Damn foreign parts! I knew I shouldn't have hired that non-union team ... *turns to Mike and the Bots* Well, looks like you've escaped my wrath for now, Nelson. But rest assured, you WILL read this lemon, and I WILL hold your quivering soul in the palm of my hand! GYAHAHA- HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Push the button, Frank. Frank: *coughs, but pushes the button* (FWOOSH!) THE ANARKIST'S NOTES: Hard to believe that I'm already almost done with the first season! I've got some big changes lined up for the guys, and two big, ripe fanfics, ready for the riffing. The first, and the one I'm tackling next episode, is "Silly Minako", a bizarre Sailor Moon lemon that turns Sailor Venus into an evil dominatrix. The one after that ... well, can you say Steven Ratliff? DEDICATIONS: To everyone who bothers to read my MiSTings, and especially those who send me E-mail about them. It's good to know I can put a smile on someone's face every now and again; you guys are the reason I do this. Well, that, and to silence the voices in my head... MSA3K EPISODE GUIDE -------------------- #101-Lady Death: The Summoning #102-Warrior Sisters #103-Warrior Sisters 2: The Flesh Is Weak #104-Pfil's Spider Troubles #105-Decency Patrol #1 #106-Final Fantasy 7: The Quest For Aeris #107-New Powers? #108-Parasite Eve: Mating Call OTHER PROJECTS -------------------- Mystery Wrestling Theater 3000(w/ Malissa Thomas) #-101 Religious Spam #-102 Urusei X; The Yatsura Files Part I Group MSTings Sailor Moon VS Tickle-Me Elmo(w/ John Hurst) The Fist KILLS Everyone(w/ Akodo X) >The Ultimate Being trembled with pleasure, then staggered away, his >cock slowly dissolving from Aya's juices.