The Story Thus Far: Joel and the bots were subjected to "Sailor Moon Hentai" by Dr. Forrester. During the course of this, they used the self-inclusion energies suffusing that fanfic to transform themselves into Senshi, one by one. Eventually Dr. F unveiled an evil device called the Omnifactor that drained their energies through the fics. He had apparently developed it with aid from a third party, as yet unknown. Finally, the SOLer Senshi and a surprising show of courage from TV's Frank destroyed the Omnifactor. Dr. F revealed, however, that this action had consumed all the self-inclusion energy built up by watching Sailor Moon Hentai. Confused? Don't worry. So am I. Joel: Look, Tom. It's very simple. Next time he sends us a self- inclusion fanfic, we transform ourselves into Senshi again and escape! Tom: I don't know, Joel. Somehow I have a feeling that it won't be that easy.. Crow: (walking on) Yeah, Joel. Knowing Dr. Forrester, he's probably got something up his sleeve to block our transformation. Joel: Well, we'll see. They're calling now anyway. Dr.F: Hello, Kingston Trio! I see you're feeling fresh and perky today! Good, good.. the first step to madness is excessive good cheer! Tom: Say, where's Frank? Dr.F: Far be it from me to disturb said good cheer by telling you. You all ready for the invention exchange? Joel: Well.. can you go first? I need to set this up. Dr.F: Certainly, Joel. Everyone loves the classic wargame "RISK", right? There's just one problem.. there's no risk in it! It's with this in mind that I have developed "RISKY". (Dr. F moves to reveal something that looks like a RISK board affixed to the top of a metal box. Wires lead out of the box and into what appear to be four pairs of boxer shorts.) Dr.F: It plays exactly like RISK, with one difference. Any time your army loses a battle, it'll deliver a three-megawatt shock to the shammies! How'dja like _them_ apples? Tom: Yeah, whatever. I've found things more evil than that while cleaning out the loadpans. Right, Joel? Joel: Uh.. right. Anyhow, we've got a nifty little device to help folks out on their morning commute. Crow: Don't you hate it when you get stuck behind someone chatting on his cell phone first thing in the morning? Don't you wish you could get.. REVENGE? Tom: (cheerfully) Sure you do! It's only a healthy primate urge to want to squash those who obstruct your path to food and mating privileges! Joel: Thus, this little baby. (Joel holds up a black box about the size of a graphing calculator. It has two big buttons; one red, one green.) Joel: A simple touch of the red button will suddenly cause "Another One Bites The Dust" to blare at maximum volume from any portable phones within half a mile. To shut it up, you just tap the green button. Tom: We like to call it "Call Me Queen". Dr.F: I take it, then, that you haven't yet thought about all the accidents that'll occur when this thing is used? All the mayhem and fatalities? Joel: Well, yeah. But since most cell phone abusers are people in positions of some kind of power or another, and power corrupts.. We figure we'll still be lowering the world's overall evilness level. Dr.F: Quite a rationalization, Joel, almost worthy of myself.. but on to business. Your experiment this week is the prologue to a fairly banal piece of self-inclusion with occasional flashes of the truly bizarre. Enjoy, powderpuffs. All: AAHH! We've got fanfic sign!!! Joel: I've got a bad feeling about this.. > -------------------------- > |Dark Kingdom in Montreal| > -------------------------- Crow: Uh oh, guys. Brace yourself for plot contrivances ahead. > Prologue Tom: Well, I'd never trust an amateur to do my logueing for me. > >Hi everyone!! All: Hi! > This is my first attempt at a fanfic, so I would >like lots of critism on how it is and stuff. Tom: Okay, here's my first piece of "critism".. spell check. > Recently, I read >a fanfic called Sailor Scouts visit Canada, and I was very >dissapointed. So I decided to take it Joel: ..out on us? Thanks. > upon myself to do it the >right way. Hope you enjoy this!! Crow: Well, at least he seems nice enough. Maybe this won't be so bad! Tom: Don't count on it, Crow.. by that standard, Ratliff's fics "aren't so bad", either. > >Sailor Moon is copyright of Naoko Takeuchi/Kodansha, Toei Animation. >English Language Adaptation is copyright 1995 DiC Entertainment. >This story belongs to me, David Lapkovsky (katarn@openface.ca) Joel: Katarn a Hot Tin Roof? I loved that! > >----------------------------- >|Setting: Juuban High School| >----------------------------- Tom: I love watching the setting Juuban High School from here.. don't you? > >Usagi and Ami are walking down the halls on their way out to the next >senshi meeting Crow: (Usagi) My name is Tsukino Usagi and.. I'm a senshi. Tom & Joel: Hi, Usagi! > when they are stopped by Umino. They try and make an >escape but its too late. Tom: (Usagi) Oh no! Now he'll make long boring rants and turn me into a hermaphrodite! > >Umino looks up at them, "Hey.. guess what I heard!!!!" > >Usagi sighs, "What is it..." > >"My friend Ten'ou David from Canada All: (burst out laughing) Joel: Okay, he's officially Not Even Trying! > says that there have been monster >attacks where he lives, the descriptions are a lot like the Youma's >that were attacking when we were in junior high." He says as the blood >drains from Ami and Usagi's face. Crow: Oh no! Umino's a vampire! Tom: AAH! _Bad_ "California Dreaming" flashback! (All shudder.) > >"Are you absolutely sure they your source can be trusted Umino?" Joel: (Umino) Oh yeah.. this is the _good_ stuff. > Ami >asks when she gets her breath back. > >"Oh sure.. I've known him on the internet for years, why do you care >so much anyhow?" Umino responds. Crow: Nothing against Umino here, but _I_ wouldn't believe that if I heard it over the Internet. > >"Oh nothing!!" Usagi says as she grabs Ami's hand and walks off with >her. When they are out of range, they look at each other and say the >same thing, "The Dark Kingdom" Joel: Jinx! > >------------------------ >|Setting: Hikawa Shrine| >------------------------ Tom: Xanadu! Stately home of Charles Foster Kane.. > >"Sorry we're late!! But we have some interesting news!!" Usagi says >as she and Ami run up the temple steps. Crow: (Usagi) And we remembered to bring the exclamation points! > >"It better be good news Odango Atama!" Rei says as they sit down. > >Usagi looks at Rei seriously and says, Joel: (Usagi) I've always loved you. > "I think its important enough >to call the Outers.." > >"The Outers?!" Rei says with mixed surprise and disgust. Tom: (Rei) Do we have to? They always leave such a mess.. > >"This must be important.." Makato says.. "Damn.. I was really enjoying >this little vacation.." Crow: ("Makato") I wanted to see Wallyworld.. > >"This is important Mako-chan.." Usagi responds. > >"They're on their way" Ami says as she looks up from her communicator. > >As the Outers arrive in a speeding car, Tom: *CRASH!* Joel: (Rei) Do you have _any_ idea how much that wall costs to have fixed? > Luna and Artemis arrive as >well, they have dark looks on their faces. Crow: (Haruka) I _thought_ the road seemed a little bumpy today.. > >"Everyone! We have some important news!!" Luna says as she walks up, >"It appears the Dark Kingdom is back!" Everyone but Ami and Usagi >have surprised looks on their faces. Tom: Um.. why? Given that they already know there's something bad enough to call in the Outers on.. > >"Way ahead of you Luna!! We even know where they're attacking!" Usagi >says with a grin on her face. > >Luna has a look of disbelief on her face, so Ami takes the floor, Joel: (Ami) Wahaha! It's my floor, and you can't have it! >"It's true Luna, Umino's friend Ten'ou David on the Internet told >about attacking monsters that resembled the Youma's that we're attacking >3 years ago, and since you seem to have come to the same conclusion as >Usagi and me, it appears that you're right, Haruka.. are you feeling >alright?" Crow: Whoa! Calm down and pause to inhale, Ami! > Everyone turns and looks at Haruka, who's face was white and >had a look of shock on it. Tom: (Haruka) I just realized that we're in a bad self-insertion fic! > >"What was Umino's friends name again?" She asks after a few seconds. > >"He said it was Ten'ou David.." She slows as realization dawns on her >face, "Any relation Haruka?" Joel: (Haruka) No.. I was just wondering. > >"Yes.." she replys, "He's my brother.." Tom: I take it, then, that he ain't heavy? > >The senshi all look at her in shock.. "Your bother?!?!?" All: (start snickering) Joel: Should we correct them? Crow: What's to correct? > >"Yes.. my brother," she says starting to get annoyed. Joel: Hey, I wouldn't be too happy myself if I suddenly sprouted a brother! > >Michiru looks at Haruka, "How could you keep something like this from me? >I thought you loved me!" she says to Haruka with tears in her eyes. Rei >looks away in disgust. Crow: (Rei) Oh yuck! Her eyes just tore! > >"Michiru.. you know I'll always love you.. its just that.. well.. its >from a long time ago.. and I didn't really want to tell you.." Tom: Oh, _great_ save. It's all okay because you didn't want to tell her! > She says >as she gives Michiru a hug. > >Luna speaks up, "Well.. I think it would be important for you to share >all the information about this Ten'ou David that you can, for instance >why's he in Canada if he's your brother.." Joel: We'd love to know that ourselves, actually.. > >Haruka tenses up.. Crow: (Haruka) My spider-sense.. tingling! > she didn't want to talk about this, but she had a >responsability to the rest of the senshi, even the Inners.. "He's >actually my half brother.. Tom: (Haruka) I bisected him when we were five. > as you know, my parents were divorced when >I was young, I don't remember when exactly.. but I do remember that my >mother always blamed me for him leaving," She says with tears in her >eyes. Crow: Oh, no! Haruka's eyes tore, too! > Michiru rubs her shoulders in support. Haruka continues, "2 years >later, my father had remarried and moved on to Canada, Montreal to be >exact, and start a new life, even had a new son, I've only met David >once, he seemed nice enough.." Joel: (gruff) Run-on sentences don't conclude.. they just fade away. > >"Do you think he can be trusted?" Luna asks. No one notices as Setsuna >gives a small smile at the question. Crow: (Setsuna) I am _so_ baked. > >"I don't know.. like I said.. I only met him once.. and that was years >ago." Haruka responds. > >"I think we should contact him.." Minako suddenly speaks up. They all >look at her and she blushs. Tom: Geez, this guy's Aura of Smooth extends across the Pacific! > >"I agree, if the Dark Kingdom has decided to make attacks on a different >part of the Earth to avoid us, we must show them that we will not allow >such a thing to occur, in the name.." Joel: Oh, great.. Will someone wind up Usagi so the plot can continue? > >Rei speaks up before Usagi can slip into another of her speachs, "I >agree with Usagi," The other senshi look at her in shock, "We can't >allow the Dark Kingdom forces to think that they can avoid us!" Tom: (Rei) We can whine and get our hinies kicked anywhere on Earth! > >"Ami.. can you pinpoint the co-ordinates of a place in Montreal where >we can teleport to without being noticed?" Setsuna asks. Crow: Since when has _that_ bothered them? Everyone knows the Senshi have funky powers; what's the problem with people knowing they can teleport? Besides that.. isn't the whole _point_ of this exercise to let the Dark Kingdom know they're coming? Tom: Not bad.. I could've done better. Crow: Yeah, right. Put your money where your mouth is. I'll bet a juicy RAM chip that by the end of this series, my best rant'll have been better than your best rant. Joel can judge. Tom: You're on, sucker. > >"No problem," Ami starts working on her computer, "I've located an area >where there are no people at this time, hold on.. I'm detecting a youma >attack nearby those co-ordinates," Joel: Awfully convenient that a youma's attacking near their _isolated_ _area_, isn't it? > >All the senshi speak at once, "Lets go!" Crow: (falsetto) YOOSH! Switch-ON! > >Then Usagi speaks up, "Shouldn't we call Mamoru?" > >Rei speaks up, "I just did, he's on his way," > >"What were you doing talking to my Mamoru?!?" Usagi screams at Rei >redfaced. Tom: Wow! Rei is the heir of the E'Kieron line! Crow: Huh? > >"Relax Odango Atama, it was nothing hot, I just told him to come as >fast as possible," Crow: Jesus, Rei! What _would_ you consider hot?! Joel: Uh, I don't think she meant _that_.. > Rei says with a grin. Usagi just growls at her. > >"We have no time for this!! Hurry up and transform!" Artemis yells. > >The senshi finish transforming as Mamoru arrives as Tuxedo Kamen. Tom: (Church Lady) Well, isn't that conveeen-ient. > >They all get into a circle and shout out their respective planets: All: CAMILLE! > >Moon Crystal POWER!! Joel: It's Sheep Sheep in disguise! >Mercury POWER!! >Venis POWER!! Crow: Egotistical Wrestler POWER!! >Mars POWER!! >Jupiter POWER!! >Saturn Planet POWER!! Tom: Why do the Outer Senshi get an extra word? >Uranus Planet POWER!! Bots: (start giggling) Joel: Cool it, you two. >Neptune Planet POWER!! >Pluto Planet POWER!! >Sailor TELEPORT!! Joel: Seriously, though.. is the narrator a Senshi or something? > >The Senshi, Tuxedo Kamen and the 2 cats teleport away in a flash >of light into unknown territory to fight an old enemy. Crow: And.. there you have it. The plot of this episode. > >--------------------------------------------------------------------- Tom: There's a thin line between bad fanfiction and pure authorial ego- stroking.. and we're looking at it right now. > >Well.. I'd say this is a good start. Tom: Can I call 'em or what? > Tell me what you think and stuff. Joel: Olives. >My E-mail address is katarn@openface.ca > >David Lapkovsky Crow: ..freelance hack writer! Tom: Let's motor. Joel: I'm with ya. <1,2,3,4,5,6,G> Tom: Y'know, while I naturally dislike the clumsiness of David's method of self-insertion, I find myself gaping in awe at the free and easy way he screws around with the continuity of Sailor Moon! Crow: Yeah! He didn't even have to bother with coming up with a rationale for being in the story like Gonterman or even Chris Caldwell did.. he just declared himself Sailor Uranus' brother and it was so! Frankly, I'm being tempted to write my own story about Crow T. Kuonji! Joel: Well, it's natural to be a little jealous of those who contrive the fabric of the universe to their will.. but there's an easy way to resist the urge towards clumsy reality hacks. Tom: What's that? Joel: If you ever find yourself tempted to do that, just remember.. This guy wrote himself into the story as the Outer Senshi equivalent of Shingo. Tom: Oh. Crow: Ew. Joel: (looking directly at camera) Whaddaya think, sir? Dr.F: Hmm.. Clayton Masaki.. I like the sound of that.. (Dr. F absentmindedly hits the but-) | \ | / \ | / \ | / \ | / \|/ --------O-------- /|\ / | \ / | \ / | \ / | \ | Wow.. My 13th MST (or the beginning of my 4th, depending on how you count such things). I'm starting to wonder if anyone reads these things.. If you want to joyously, enthusiastically, and unequivocally pronounce your loyalty to my MSTings (or just give me C&C), do it at (bensan_arizona@yahoo.com). Tell me my life was not lived in vain! "Dark Kingdom in Montreal", "Ten'ou David", and related goofiness belong to David Lapansky. "Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon" and the people, events, and characters therein belong to Naoko Takeuchi. MST3K and all characters and locations therein are copyright Best Brains. This MSTing is mine, all mine! Bwahaha! Um.. please don't sue me. I'm broke. --Ben-San Arizona bensan_arizona@yahoo.com > This is my first attempt at a fanfic, so I would >like lots of critism on how it is and stuff.