MYSTERY CHAOS THEATER
by Dallbun
Episode 9: Moonlight can't die, no matter how hard you try.
Original fanfic by Yami Nocturna (i.e. Usagi Tsuki Malfoy, Hell Fighter
Usagi 17, Demon of Chaos, Hecate)

Visit the website:
http://aglick.web.wesleyan.edu/Dallbun/

All referenced works the property of their respective rights-holders.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 the property of Best Brains.

Spoilers contained for Bishojo Senshi Sailormoon, particularly the fifth
season, Sailor Stars (Though the continuity used in this MSTing is a mish-
mash of the manga, anime, and musicals). And for Star Wars, I guess, but
who doesn't know the plot of Star Wars?

-----

In the not too distant future
Somewhere in time and space
Galaxia's Sailor Animamates
Are caught in a nasty place

Destroyed and revived by their cruel ex-boss
An evil gal possessed by Chaos
From her starry throne, she sees her empire grow
And contents herself by punishing her serfs who were too slow!

"I'll send them cheesy fanfics,
Dug from the Pit of Voles!"
(La la la!)
"Though I could kill them at a whim
I'd rather crush their souls!"
(La la la!)

Now keep in mind they can't control
What Galaxia wants to send
(La la la!)
They'll try to keep their sanity
Though their torture never ends

SENSHI ROLE CALL
Mouse (Utinni!)
Nyanko (Give in to the Dark Side)
Siren (Beep boop)
Croooow (Let the Wookie win)

If you're wondering when this all takes place
Or where some riffs are from
(La la la!)
We suggest you brace yourself, instead
For the fanfic yet to come

It's Mystery Chaos Theater 3000

-----

   [In some black, featureless void, four phone booths zoom in a single
direction, at an indeterminable speed. The ANIMAMATES are inside them.
They are still transformed, and are all hanging out in their own phone
booths, in silence.]
   ALL: ...
   [Suddently, NYANKO begins blinking quickly, as if an idea just struck
her.]
   NYANKO: Heh heh.
   ALL: ...
   NYANKO: Heh heh...
   ALL: ...
   NYANKO: [pointedly] MWAHAHAHAHAH!
   CROW: [irritated] What is it, Nyanko?
   NYANKO: Clearly, I just got a great idea. Didn't you hear my maniacal
laughter?
   SIREN: An idea?
   NYANKO: That's right! An idea of sheer, mind-numbing,
unadulterated *brilliance*. Possibly the best idea I had in my life.
Except maybe that time I killed Crow by breaking the restraining container
on her own portable black-hole. Now *that* was a good idea.
   ALL: ...
   NYANKO: You guys could show a *little* bit more interest, you know.
   CROW: Fine, fine. What's your stupid idea?
   SIREN: It doesn't involve killing Crow-san again, does it?
   NYANKO: Unfortunately, no, though I might be able to work it in later.
Anyway, I'll share my new idea with you... But first, a moment of dramatic
silence for the occasion, please.
   ALL: ...
   NYANKO: Good enough. Do you guys remember Hotaru, from that one fanfic
we read?
   MOUSE: You mean the fanfic without a name?
   NYANKO: Yeah. Something she said stuck in my mind.
   SIREN: [curiously] "My cunt"?
   NYANKO: ...no. Dear Galaxia, no. I'm talking about her whole spiel on
how Mistress Nine possessed her because she was denying her true nature.
Well, I got to thinking about it, and I realized something.
   CROW: That it made no freaking sense?
   NYANKO: [ignoring her] I realized that Mistress Nine *kicked ass*.
Seriously, you remember all that cool crap she did? Like making a portal,
extending her arms through it, and grabbing Sailor Moon right around the
neck! That was awesome! And the unrelenting hordes of somewhat-corporeal
ooze monsters were pretty cool, too. So I thought, "hey, maybe I can get
*myself* possessed by an evil daimonic entity!"
   CROW: ...right. And you're going to do that how?
   NYANKO: Obviously, I'm going to do it by denying my true self!
   ALL: ...
   MOUSE: Huh. Cool.
   NYANKO: Isn't it?
   CROW: Okay. Even assuming that would work, which I *sincerely* doubt,
won't you be too, you know, *possessed* to really enjoy your unholy powers?
   NYANKO: Nah, I'll just have to enjoy them vicariously. You know, as a
willing prisoner in my own *ass-kicking* body. Besides, I figure that
possessed-me might be able to break out of here and escape. Then, when I
want to regain control again, I'll just make like Hotaru and flex my
Senshi powers. The symbol of Mau will appear on my forehead and my
possessed form will be destroyed in an awesome spiraling disintegration
effect.
   SIREN: Gee, what could go wrong?
   NYANKO: Yep. So now all I need to do is act all nice and shit long
enough to build up some deep-seated angst about it, and I'm set.
   CROW: Wait, you're going against your true nature by acting *nice*?
   NYANKO: That's the plan. It's painful, but necessary.
   SIREN: I'm not sure you'll be able to do that, Nyanko-san.
   MOUSE: Yeah, seriously.
   NYANKO: What? Why not?
   SIREN: Umm... not to be insulting, but I don't know whether you'll be
able to keep up being... nice.
   NYANKO: What? Where the hell do you get off saying... uh...
   ALL: ...
   NYANKO: [carefully] I mean, I respect your opinion and thank you for
the advice, Siren. I thank you most... nicely.
   SIREN: Why, thank you, Nyanko-san!
   CROW: [muttering] I can tell this is going to be just *loads* of fun...
   [Suddenly, the phone booths teleport to the bride of GALAXIA's
satellite. The huge viewing screen is on, displaying a happy-looking
SAILOR GALAXIA.]
   GALAXIA: Aloha, my acerbic associates! Today is going to be a fun day.
A fun day... indeed! MWAHAHAHAHA!
   [She laughs maliciously.]
   SIREN: That was a nice evil laugh, Galaxia-sama.
   GALAXIA: Thank you. Now where was I...? Oh, right. A fun day.
   MOUSE: [hopefully] You conquered a planet of full of delicious cake and
summoned us to share in the spoils?
   GALAXIA: Ha ha ha, no. Fun for *me*, not fun for *you*. [to herself]
You'd think I wouldn't need to make that distinction...
   CROW: What's up, Galaxia?
   GALAXIA: *I* am on my way to a party hosted by the United Alliance of
Evil.
   CROW: ...there's a United Alliance of Evil?
   GALAXIA: Yep. It's sort of a social organization for interplanetary
warlords.
   SIREN: Gee, Galaxia-sama, I wouldn't have figured you as a team-
oriented person.
   GALAXIA: Well, it's not like we work together or anything... I mean, we
are all trying to conquer the universe for ourselves... but we do hold the
occasional mixer on this little place called the Cimmerian Planet. It's
stained red with the blood of the former inhabitants. Beautiful place.
Also, we have a secret evil handshake.
   MOUSE: Sounds classy.
   GALAXIA: Oh, it is! It's a mark of honor to be invited in. There are
some very respected evil entities in the group. Real old-timers. People
who've forgotten more about being defeated by small bands of dedicated
heroes than I'll ever know.
   [She considers this.]
   GALAXIA: Not that I'd want to.
   NYANKO: [reciting dutifully] Galaxia, I am happy for you. Let me add,
however, that I cannot condone your evil, life-destroying conquest of the
galaxy, nor those of your social peers. All life should be preserved
except those of ugly monsters. [whispering to SIREN] That *is* the Good
credo, isn't it?
   SIREN: I think so.
   GALAXIA: [looking at NYANKO oddly] ...are you all right, Tin Nyanko?
   NYANKO: [firmly] I have embraced the light.
   CROW: Galaxia, Nyanko is trying to achieve greater heights of evil
power by embracing the cause of good.
   GALAXIA: Ah, I see. Well, that makes perfect sense. Now if you'll
excuse me, I think I'll go freshen up for my party by rolling around in
some disgusting mud.
   ALL: ...
   GALAXIA: That was sarcasm, you twits.
   MOUSE: Oh. We were wondering.
   SIREN: It's hard to tell with you, Galaxia.
   GALAXIA: Well, I need to get going, so it's time to introduce you to
your fanfiction for today. It's called "Moonlight can;t die, no matter how
hard you try." I'm going to have to assume the semi-colon wasn't
intentional.
   CROW: One would think.
   SIREN: Who is it by, Galaxia-sama?
   GALAXIA: It's one of several fanfics by this one author that I ran into
years ago on fanfiction.net. It was back when I was just starting to think
about executing this little torturous plan. Good thing I salvaged them,
too; the author was quite prolific, but she had a tendency to take down
her old fanfics pretty routinely. I have quite a few in the vault that
aren't up online anymore. Also, she changed her name, like, a gazillion
times. Usagi Tsuki Malfoy, Hell Fighter Usagi 17, Demon of Chaos, Hecate,
Yami Nocturna...
   CROW: Hold on a second. Back up. Did you say you were planning this
fanfic torture thing *years* ago?
   GALAXIA: Well, yeah. It takes time to track down "quality" stuff to
send you, you know.
   CROW: Did you, perchance, plan it *before* you sent us all on suicide
missions to Earth and killed us for failing against insurmountable odds?
   [GALAXIA averts her gaze and begins whistling innocently.]
   MOUSE: Hey! I always *thought* you were pretty eager to kill us off!
Were you just *looking* for excuses, so you could then revive and torture
us for our failures?
   SIREN: My, this explains so much.
   GALAXIA: Uhh... no comment.
   CROW: Why, you arrogant, backstabbing little...
   NYANKO: Now, now. That's all in the past. We should put such grudges
behind us.
   CROW: I'm surprised you're taking this so well, Nyanko. I'd expect a
revelation like this to shake your saintly resolve.
   NYANKO: No, of course not. There's no use in getting angry at Galaxia
*now*. After all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
   SIREN: What?
   NYANKO: I said... that... "it's all the same once we've grown old".
   SIREN: That's a very constructive way to look at things, Nyanko.
   GALAXIA: Ahem. So, your fanfic is "Moonight can;t die," by the author
then known as Hell Fighter Usagi 17. In case you’re too dumb to figure it
out, ‘/’ marks indicate the bounds of the italics that existed within this
formerly-HTML text. Oh, and be nice; English isn't the author’s first
language.
   MOUSE: Wait, it *was* the first language of the other authors?
   GALAXIA: Hell if I know. Now stop stalling and go be tortured or
something!
   [Resignedly, the ANIMAMATES exit the room through the double doors.]

-----

[Inside the viewing room, where four movie-theater style seats face
towards a large screen. The ANIMAMATES enter and take their seats.
From left to right are SAILOR IRON MOUSE, SAILOR ALUMINUM SIREN,
SAILOR LEAD CROW, and SAILOR TIN NYANKO.]

CROW: So how exactly are you going to apply your self-denial strategy to
the process of riffing bad fanfics, Nyanko?
NYANKO: Well, I guess since I'm normally bitter and angry, I'll try to be
supportive and upbeat. How hard can it be?

}Moonlight can't die, no matter how hard you try.

NYANKO: And believe me, we'd like to try.
ALL: ...
NYANKO: Wait, was that bitter and angry?
MOUSE: Yep.
NYANKO: Damn! Let's try that again.

}by Hell Fighter Usagi 17

NYANKO: Uhh... [tentatively giving the thumbs up] You go, Usagi?
[CROW puts her face in her hand, rubbing her forehead. MOUSE winces.]

>
>Chapter 1
>Revelations, fights, jobs, search begins

SIREN: Travels With Usagi: In Search of Japan.

>
>Star Wars/ Sailor Moon/ crossover

CROW: Myself, I think the title should be, "Star Seed Wars: The Death
Phantom Menace."

>with DBZ elements
>
>The only couple that there is right now is:
>
>Anakin/Usagi

MOUSE: So does that mean the story will end with Usagi dying in childbirth?
[NYANKO tries to stifle a chuckle.]

>
>Of course you may vote for
>
>Obi-Wan/ Haruka, Makoto or Minako.

SIREN: Um... I thought good Jedi didn't get involved in relationships.

>
>Hotaru is out of the votings, She will have the major part in the sequel.
>Only two of the Senshi (the one that will be paired up) will survive.

NYANKO: [supportively] I have to say that I really admire the amount of
reader feedback and participation the author is bringing into this fanfic!
CROW: Yeah, even I have to admit that there's something appealing about a
story where I can order the deaths of any characters that displease me.
MOUSE: Don't worry, that will probably be the next step in reality
television.

>Hotaru will be reborn in another dimension. And two other good Senshi can 
>be reborn also.

CROW: They can only accept a limited number of reincarnation applications.

>
>Prologue.
>
>“Usagi-chan, is that true? You got 100% on your test? I guess your real 
>side is kicking in finally!!”

MOUSE: Uh, she's only half real?
SIREN: [cheerfully] *My* real side isn't just kicking, it's kicking it
back!

>exclaimed Hotaru, running to Usagi Tsukino, who was walking to the Hikawa 
>Jinja (sp)after school.

SIREN: The Hikawa Jinja (sp): it's like the Hikawa Jinja, but smaller and
with a backlight.

>
>“Yes, I did, what about you? Did you really get 100% on P.E. ?” asked 
>Usagi.

CROW (Hotaru): Yeah! It's graded on a curve, so all I had to do was hire a
guy to bust the kneecaps of all my classmates!

>
>“Yes, so how about we tell them the good news, sis?” asked Hotaru.

SIREN (Hotaru): ...that Jesus Christ died for our sins?

>
>“Yeah, they will be *so* surprised.” Said Usagi giggling.

MOUSE (Usagi): I *still* can't believe that we're going to have a baby!

>
>/Flashback:/
>
>/Silver Millennium:/
>
>/The Empire Supreme Computer:/
>
>/Data files:/

NYANKO (Computer): 01010010001011011110101001010010

>
>/Selena Princess (AN, Moon is sometimes called Planet Selena)/

CROW: Uh... the Moon isn't a planet. It's a moon. Because it orbits a
planet.
SIREN: Well, the Earth-Moon system is a double planet according to Isaac
Asimov's "tug-of-war" definition...
CROW: Which is why we call it THE MOON, right?

>
>/Name: Serenity Usagi Tsukino,

MOUSE: Wow, the Tsukinos are really an old and venerable line. The name
dates back to the Silver Millenium!

>the 14th Princess of Selena, and the 1st Princess of Vegeta-sei./

ALL: ...
CROW: Great.
NYANKO: Aww, *man*! What is it with main characters turning out of to be
freaking half-Saiyans? Do the authors somehow get *kicks* from taking
people who are *already* the most powerful, central, *unbeatable* characters
in a given series, and then giving them freaking *insane* combat power?
SIREN: I thought you were going to be supportive and upbeat, Nyanko-san.
NYANKO: Screw *that* shit! We're reading a fanfic with a saiya-jin Usagi!
All bets are off, now!
CROW: Your dedication does you credit, Nyanko.

>
>/Relations: half-sister to Prince Vegeta of Vegeta-sei, half-sister to 
>Princess Hotaru of Saturn/

SIREN: ...and half-sister to Wicket of Endor!

>
>/Titles: Selena Princess, Sailor Moon, Sailor Cosmos, Sailor Eclipse,
>Sailor Vegeta-Moon,

CROW: Sailor Crystals *stack*?
NYANKO: So with several hundred years of forced, selective breeding, you
could come up with Sailor Moon-Mercury-Mars-Jupiter-Venus-Uranus-Neptune-
Pluto-Saturn? Awesome!
SIREN: That would certainly make Sailor Planet Attacks more convenient!

>Princess of Vegeta-sei,

MOUSE: ...Grandmaster of Go Fish...

>Supreme Empress of Silver Millennium/

MOUSE: *Princess* Serenity is the Supreme Empress? What's Queen Serenity?
SIREN: Dictator of the Empress's bed time and allowance?

>
>/Blood: ½ lunarian, ½ saija-jin/

CROW: ...positive.
NYANKO: Man, it must be a bitch getting donors for blood transfusions.

>
>/Saturn Princess/
>
>/Name: Persephone Hotaru Tomoe, the 18th princess of Saturn and the 2nd 
>Princess of Vegeta-sei/
>
>/Relations:

MOUSE: Carnal.

>half-sister to Prince Vegeta of Vegeta-sei, half-sister to Princess Usagi 
>of Selena/

NYANKO: Wait. How the heck does this family tree work out?
CROW: ...Okay, if she's half sister to Usagi, and they're both half-sister
to Vegeta, and if Senshidom has to be inherited from their mothers, then...
that means King Vegeta slept with Queen Serenity, the previous Senshi of
Saturn, and an unnamed saiya-jin woman to give birth to Usagi, Hotaru, and 
Vegeta, respectively.
MOUSE: Woah, and they didn't string him up for it?
CROW: Well, the Silver Millenium was a matriarchy. They're probably used
to using men for their bodies and then throwing them away.
MOUSE: Yeah, fair enough.

>
>/Titles: Saturn Princess, Sailor Saturn, Sailor Death, Sailor Silence, 
>Sailor Vegeta-Saturn,

CROW: ...Sailor Goth, Sailor Lolita, Sailor Polearm, Sailor Fan-
Favorite...

>Princess of Vegeta-sei,

CROW: In monarchies, are bastard children usually given claim to the
throne?
SIREN: I guess Vegeta-sei is just really progressive that way.

>Supreme advisor to Supreme Empress of Silver Millennium/

NYANKO: Oooh, *twice* the supremacy.
CROW: Don't forget that this is on the Supreme Computer.

>
>/Blood: ½ saturnian, ½ saija-jin/

MOUSE: And ½ halfling.

>
>Flashback End
>
>“We are so lucky, that we decided to take a trip to Selena without the 
>other Senshi.” Said Hotaru

MOUSE (Commercial): The moon! The ideal new vacation spot! Sure, we don't
have beaches... or hotels... or food. Or beautiful vegetation. Or
interesting native animals. Or a habitable atmosphere. But by god, we have
rocks! And craters! Lots of them!

>
>“I know, oh we are here, come on let’s go in!” said Usagi happily.
>
>/10 minutes earlier:/

SIREN (P.E. Teacher): Hotaru, congratulations. You got 100% in P.E.!
NYANKO (Hotaru): Score!

>
>/Hikawa Jinja/
>
>/“Usagi and Hotaru are the weakest in out group!! We should kick them out” 
>said Rei./

ALL: ...
CROW: This is wrong on SO MANY LEVELS.

>
>/Everyone looked at her in disbelief./

SIREN: Wow, so near to the beginning of the fanfic and I'm already
starting to really identify with the characters!
MOUSE: Yeah, I'm in disbelief too!

>
>/“Rei-chan, now that you mentioned, I agree with you, besides Usagi is 
>keeping me from my beloved Mamo-chan” said Michiru./
>
>/Haruka looked at Michiru is disbelief./

NYANKO: But nobody else had any trouble believing it?
MOUSE: Hey, they all saw the writing on the wall.

>
>/“I agree, Hotaru is weak and Usagi is stupid!” said Ami./
>
>/Haruka and Makoto turned their heads onto Ami./

MOUSE: ...and looked at her in disbelief!

>
>/“I can’t believe what you said Michiru!” exclaimed Haruka./

SIREN (Haruka): Why, one might even say that I'm in disbelief!

>
>/“ME too, Ami, Rei, you should be ashamed!” said Makoto./
>
>/“Well, truth to say, I killed Chibi-Usa!” said Setsuna/

CROW (Makoto): Setsuna, please. Let's try to stay on the topic at hand.
Ami and Rei, how *dare* you two talk that way?

>
>/“WHAT?!!!” exclaimed Minako./
>
>/“So you three are still on their side!” said Mamoru hugging Michiru./
>
>/“Yes, we are and we will be!!! Uranus Eternal Power, Make-up!” shouted 
>Haruka. She transformed into Eternal Sailor Uranus./

NYANKO: Cursed to suffer "your anus" jokes for all eternity.

>
>/“Me too!! Venus Eternal Power, Make-up!” shouted Minako!

SIREN: An exclamation mark! The author is really getting into this!

>She transformed into Eternal Sailor Venus/
>
>/“I am with you!! Jupiter Eternal Power, Make-up!” shouted Makoto. A flash 
>of lighting, and Eternal Jupiter was ready to fight./
>
>/“Dark Mercury!” shouted Ami./

SIREN: And years before the live-action series, no less!
CROW: This author is a real innovator, all right.

>
>/“Dark Mars” shouted Rei./
>
>/“Dark Pluto!” shouted Setsuna./
>
>/“Dark Neptune” shouted Michiru./

CROW: We present Dark Sailor Neptune, with her bad fanfiction attack,
"Deep Hurting."

>
>/“Dark Earth!” shouted Mamoru transforming into Dark Endymion./

MOUSE: So does that mean that none of the other Dark Senshi actually
transformed?
SIREN: Well, since the author didn't *say* they did...

>
>/Just then the door opened/

SIREN (Norm): Afternoon, everybody!
ALL: Norm!

>
>Revealing Hotaru and Usagi.

NYANKO: That conversation took a whole *ten minutes*?
CROW: Hey, transformation sequences take time.

>They gasped.
>
>“So the prophecy was true!” said Hotaru angrily.

MOUSE (Mamoru): Hey, look! A three-headed monkey!
SIREN (Hotaru): [gasping] So the prophecy was *true*!

>
>“You will pay, traitors!” said Usagi clutching her brooch.
>
>“Ready?” asked Hotaru.
>
>“Yes!” answered Usagi,
>
>“Eternal Moon Power, make up!” shouted Usagi. A flurry of feathers and
>Eternal Sailor Moon was ready to fight.

NYANKO: That's right, folks... to transform into Eternal Sailor Moon,
Usagi must kick a chicken.

>
>“Eternal Saturn Power, make up!” shouted Hotaru. In a swirl of violet 
>ribbons and feathers her outfit appeared. And Eternal Sailor Saturn was 
>ready as well.
>
>“You will not be able o defeat us, in your puny Eternal Forms!” said Ami 
>sneering.

CROW: "Puny Eternal forms?" Man, this is like Dragonball Z power level
inflation, isn't it? What was once inconceivably powerful is now par for
course.
MOUSE: I think what they really need are big combining robots.


>
>“We have out tricks too! Ready Hotaru?” asked Usagi.
>
>They both lifted their hand into the air and shouted
>
>“God of Vegeta, lend us your power!”

NYANKO (God of Vegeta): No. But I'll rent it to you for very reasonable
rates.

>
>Dark blue aura surrounded them both.
>
>Their outfits changed.

CROW: Always a sign of true POWER.

>
>Violet wings appeared on Hotaru’s back. Her short skirt changes into light 
>violet spandex shorts.

CROW: Who likes short shorts?
MOUSE: [pointing to Hotaru] She likes short shorts.

>A white top appeared on her.

SIREN: And began to spin!

>The symbol of Saturn and Vegeta-sei (click here) glowed on her forehead.

SIREN: Hey, how do we click on the symbol?
CROW: I'm sure we'll survive this fanfic even without the whole multimedia
experience.

>
>Silver wings appeared on Usagi’s back. Her skirt changes into blue spandex 
>shorts. She also had a white top, but it had golden trims. On her forehead 
>the symbol of Selena and Vegeta-sei glowed

SIREN: I still wonder what that symbol is...
NYANKO: A tiny representation of the saiya-jin wiping all life from the
face of the moon and selling it to the highest bidder.

>
>“Can I introduce myself?

SIREN (Usagi): o/ I'm a man of wealth and taste             o/
               o/ I've been around for a long, long year... o/

>Watashi wa Sailor Vegeta- Moon!” said Usagi

MOUSE (Usagi): I yam what I yam!
CROW (Usagi): I'm the best at what I do... and what I do is *pose*.

>
>“Watashi wa Sailor Vegeta-Saturn” shouted Hotaru.

CROW (Hotaru): [shouting] I AM SAILOR VEGETA-SATURN!
MOUSE (Ami): Okay, we believe...
CROW (Hotaru): [shouting] I AM SAILOR VEGETA-SATURN!

>
>“The only princesses of Vegeta-sei, yet to be born!” said Hotaru and Usagi 
>together.

CROW: "Yet to be born?" Back to the womb with you, then! Back, I say!
NYANKO: They're certainly big for their negative age.

>
>“And in the name of the Selena/Saturn and Vegeta-sei, you will be 
>punished!”

CROW (Mercury): Shouldn't that be, "we'll punish you"?
MOUSE (Vegeta-Moon): Well, you *will* be punished! We just won't be the
ones doing it! 'Bye!

>
>“What is that? Your new outfits? Oh well, they won’t help!” said Mamoru.

SIREN: Aww, but fashion *always* helps!

>
>“Really?” said Hotaru sarcastically, “well watch this!” she cupped her 
>hands creating a small ki blast, she threw it into the wall, destroying it.

NYANKO (Mamoru): Now I *am* impressed, Hotaru... by your terrible aim.

>“Well? What do you say now!” said Usagi appearing behind Ami.

CROW (Ami): I say... ni! Ni!
MOUSE (Usagi): Aaaaah!
CROW (Ami): Now depart or I shall say "ni!" at you again!

>Ami looked at Usagi in shock.

MOUSE: Or, perhaps, disbelief!

>
>“How come! You were over there a second ago!!” she said
>
>“Easy, my speed is far to superior to your eyes!” Usagi said.

MOUSE (Badly dubbed): Ah ha ha! You see power of my mighty kung-fu!
NYANKO (Badly dubbed): I now reveal ultimate technique... Author Bias
Strike! I am mighty author avatar! I can not be beaten!

>
>“Back up, Dark Senshi!” said Michiru. She opened a portal and jumped though 
>it, the rest of the Dark ones followed her.
>
>“Follow them!” said Usagi as she jumped also.

SIREN (Michiru): Darn, I totally forgot that they might *follow* us!

>
>/Another dimension:/

NYANKO: A world in which Usagi was killed when she was young by a panther-
demon...
CROW: Which happened to be marked with a crescent moon?

>
>/Star Wars dimension:/

MOUSE: So, uh, I guess nothing happened in "Another dimension."
SIREN: Hey, I thought Star Wars was just a long time ago, in a galaxy far,
far away!

>
>/Coruscant:/
>
>The ten Senshi appeared.
>
>“Ha, now you can’t follow us, your teleportation and Senshi powers have 
>faded here! Ours won’t cause we are on the evil side, and it allows us to 
>use that what is not allowed in this dimension- magic!” said Rei 
>snobbishly.

CROW: Surrendering to evil lets you ignore the laws of physics?
NYANKO: Oh, that's just one of the *many* perks!

>
>“Oh, we still can beat you, thanks to Planet Vegeta!” said Hotaru.
>
>“We will be long gone!” said Setsuna.
>
>She waved her staff and they disappeared.
>
>“Damm!!” exclaimed Usagi.

MOUSE: Hey, I thought her speed was far to superior to their eyes.
CROW: Yeah, but it's far to inferior to Setsuna's hands.

>
>“What now, koneko?” asked Haruka, now detransformed.
>
>“How will we survive!! We can’t use magic!” cried Minako.

MOUSE (Minako): And by "magic," I mean my parents' credit cards!

>
>“We will fight our way through!” said Makoto.

NYANKO: Fight their way through what? Is there some kind of imminent
threat the author hasn't told us about?
SIREN: They'll fight their way through the bad writing!

>
>“That’s the right way Makoto!” said Hotaru
>
>“But, what about me?” whimpered Minako.
>
>“I will train you.” Told her Usagi.
>
>“Thanks!!!” shouted Minako.
>
>“Ow, my ears” exclaimed Usagi and Hotaru

NYANKO: ...clutching the sides of their head, as the blood flowed freely
from their sensitive half-Saiyan eardrums...

>
>“Ok, let’s see, me and Hotaru can fly, Hotaru will stay with you three, and 
>I will go looking for a city or something.” Said Usagi after she thought 
>for a while.

NYANKO: They're on Coruscant, and they don't see a *city*? The entire
*planet* is a city!
MOUSE: I guess they're in a really big public park? Or something?

>She floated up and took off.
>
>“So now what we do?” asked Makoto.
>
>“Play poker!!” said Minako.
>
>“You have cards with you” exclaimed Haruka.
>
>“Always!” said Minako proudly.

CROW: Through her true-to-life dialogue, the author subtly reveals hidden
depths of character, masterfully building upon what we already knew in
order to create a true work of art.
SIREN: Not to mention she's just so gosh-darn hilarious!

>
>To Usagi

SIREN: "Dear Usagi... How are you doing?. I and the other Dark Senshi are
living it up on Tatooine. It's pretty cool and I got to learn how to fly a
podracer. Wish you were here. Love, Mamoru."

>
>“Oh there’s a city, hmph, but I do not have any money nor my magic. What 
>should I do?” she landed in a fair. The technology was advanced kinda like 
>on Vegeta-sei. She heard shouts.
>
>“Step up! Fight our greatest fighter- Zen, if you win, you will get 1 000, 
>000, 000 p.p” said the announcer.

CROW: The Star Wars currency is platinum pieces?

>
>One guy said, “No one would dare to fight *that* guy”
>
>Zen was a tall alien, he had a nose like an elephant’s.

NYANKO: Woah! It's a tall alien with a *trunk*? Well, that *is*
intimidating! I'm shaking in my boots over here!
SIREN: [soberly] It's like the author drew her inspiration directly from
my darkest nightmares.

>
>“I will fight him!” said Usagi.
>
>“Ma’am, you’ll be also fighting under the gravity 10 x normal.” Said the 
>announcer.
>
>Usagi just shrugged.

NYANKO (Announcer): And ma'am, you'll also be fighting blindfolded, with
both hands tied behind your back. Also, we're going to cut off your legs.
And Zen is going to have a blaster.

>
>She steeped into the ring.

SIREN: And they let her soak for a while before drinking it.

>Immediately she felt gravity change.

MOUSE: Suddenly, everything seemed to be revolving around her.
SIREN: Didn't that happen a while ago, though?

>
>“Fight!!!”
>
>Zen ran at her launching punches and kicks. Usagi on the other
>hand was blocking them with one hand.

CROW: Pretty handy.
MOUSE: Let's give her a big hand!

>
>“Enough of fooling around!” she said
>
>She stretched her hand forward and a force threw Zen into the wall knocking 
>him out.

SIREN: *A* force... or *the* Force?
NYANKO: God, I hope not. Being force-adept is the last thing this Usagi
needs.

>
>All people (and aliens) stares at her.

SIREN: Hey, aliens are people too!

>Usagi went to the announcer, grabbed hr money and left the arena. She 
>started walking away, when a hand grabbed her own hand and pulled her into 
>a car. A man told her

CROW (Man): Hey, little girl... want some candy?
MOUSE: Remember, kids: don't go on car rides with strangers!

>
>“Imagine, a Jedi apprentice, fighting with force to earn money! Wait till 
>your master hears this!”
>
>Usagi stared at him.
>
>“You are more worse than my apprentice, Anakin!” he said

CROW (Obi-Wan): What's more, you are *less better* than my apprentice,
Anakin!

>
>Usagi had only such a face 0.0

SIREN: Oooh! Oooh! I have only such a face: :D

>
>They landed in front of a temple-like building; the man dragged her inside, 
>up to the highest floor, to a green creature.
>
>“Master Yoda! This Padawan has been seen on a fight using force.

SIREN (Yoda): *A* force, or *the* Force?

>
>The green creature tuned to Usagi.

MOUSE: Oh, is she broadcasting?

>
>“Well what do you have to day for yourself?” he asked “And what on Earth 
>are you wearing?” he said pointing at Usagi’s royal blue spandex outfit.

CROW (Obi-Wan): Uh, Master Yoda? What's this "Earth" you're talking about?

>
>Then Usagi snapped out of it.

MOUSE: And it *only* took her a short car ride and about fifty gazillion
floors.
SIREN: She *does* seem a little bit slow to react...

>
>“Who the hell do you think you are? Dragging me into who knows where, 
>insulting my royal training suit!” she shouted angrily glowing silver.

NYANKO (Usagi): NOBODY disses the royal sweat-pants!

>
>“Young jedi! Stop speaking non-sense!” exclaimed the man that dragged her 
>here.
>
>“Obi-Wan, stop. Not a jedi she is. Me remember her not. What your name is?” 
>asked the green creature.

CROW: Approve, I do not. Fanfic Yoda's speech patterns, inconsistant they
are, mmmm?

>
>“Why should I tell you that? But you can call me Sensou, that means war in 
>*my* language,

MOUSE: Her language is fangirl Japanese?
SIREN (Usagi): [eating a carrot] Of course you realize... 'dis means war.

>because that is what I represent!” she laughed and broke the window by
>jumping out of it.

CROW: She also represents needless property damage.
NYANKO: Hey, that's a cause I can respect!

>The two guys ran to the window to see nothing since Usagi was on the roof.
>
>“Master Yoda, where is she? WE are very high,

SIREN (Obi-Wan): ...man. Woah. Totally righteous escape from death that
chick just pulled. Wanna light another joint?

>and even she was falling still we should have seen her!” said the man.
>
>Yoda, the green creature said thoughtfully

MOUSE (Yoda): Full of hot air, she is. Rise above the skyline, she might.

>
>“Me not know.

NYANKO: It's Caveman Yoda!

>Something strange about that girl is. Her appearance and characteristics 
>not normal are, Obi-Wan Kenobi.”

CROW (Yoda): In fact, kind of ugly, she is.

>
>‘So, these are Obi-Wan Kenobi and Master Yoda, I’ll keep that info’ thought 
>Usagi

NYANKO (Usagi): Usually, when I learn anything, I just throw the info back.
SIREN: Well, catch-and-release learning *is* much more humane...

>
>‘Now I need a vehicle, but were?’ she thought/ She looked up and saw
>
>*.:. Best vehicles for 4-persons, 5 person and more .:.*
>
>She sweatdropped

MOUSE (Drumroll): Ba-da-bum.

>
>/Back to the other good Senshi:/
>
>“I won again!” shouted Minako running around stupidly.

SIREN: Minako: The Other Good Senshi.

>
>“I hate this game!” said Haruka slamming her fist into the ground.
>
>“It is because you never win,” said Makoto grinning.

MOUSE (Haruka): Well... yeah. I thought that was implied.

>
>“Shut up. All of you! I am trying to find out where Usagi is! Oh yeah here 
>she comes!” said Hotaru.
>
>“Did you sense her?” asked Mina-chan.
>
>“No, it is because there she is, on a hover car. Her cursing about heir 
>stuck in the window while she closed it is heard even here.” Said Hotaru.

CROW: Uh... her heir?
SIREN (Chibiusa): What are you doing, Usagi?
NYANKO (Usagi): Driving with your head stuck in my window. What do you
think I'm doing?

>
>“Oh,” said Minako.

CROW: This author really knows how to take a joke and kill it.
NYANKO: Nah, she never had a chance. This joke was stillborn.

>
>“Yo guys! I found a vehicle and rented hotel rooms,” said Usagi.
>
>/In the hotel:/
>
>“So what took you so long?” asked Minako from Usagi.

NYANKO (Minako): I mean, last time *I* scouted out a potentially hostile
alien world for food and shelter, it only took me about ten minutes!

>
>“Err…I was searching for a hotel” she said.
>
>“You sure, it wasn’t a bishi?” asked Makoto.

CROW (Makoto): I hear there's quite the bishi infestation problem in
crappy fangirl stories!

>
>“No, no, no!” said Usagi

SIREN (Usagi): A thousand times "no"!

>“I am going for a walk” she added.

NYANKO (Usagi): And did I already say "no"?

>
>She went out and sighed from relief.
>
>‘Idiotic bishi’ she said.

MOUSE: Oooh, a plot twist!
SIREN: I never saw it coming!

>
>Flashback

CROW: Wait, now that I think about it, is this still the prologue? She
never said it had ended.

>
>/In a club:/
>
>/Usagi went in for a drink. Many stares were directed at her (mostly from 
>guys).

MOUSE: But not entirely!
SIREN: It's good to have options.

>She frowned and drank her drink up.

NAYNKO: ...making her drunk.
CROW: I feel like we should be able to work in "dronk" and "drenk"
somehow...

>Then she hurried out. On the doorway she bumped in with a guy.

MOUSE: Oh, I know how *that* is! I've "bumped in" with a lot of guys on
the doorways of bars after having a drink!
NYANKO: Mouse, I'm hoping that someday, I'll stop being routinely
horrified by you.

>She fell flat on her butt. He offered her a hand to help her up./
>
>/“I am sorry! I didn’t mean to run into you,” she apologized./

MOUSE (Usagi): I meant to run into that much hotter guy behind you!

>
>/“No problem, especially if it is a babe like you!” he said as he leaned 
>forwards and her a quick kiss./

SIREN: You know, there are studies that show that better-looking people
tend to be treated better in all aspects of life, compared with those who
aren't as attractive!
CROW: Amazing. I'd never have guessed.

>
>/Flashback End/
>
>She let out a frustrated sigh and continued walking on the hotel grounds.

MOUSE (Usagi): I'm so frustrated... all I got was a lousy *kiss*?

>
>/Jedi Temple:/
>
>Anakin entered the temple. He had a goofy expression. He had just kissed a 
>cute girl.

CROW: He had just broken several laws relating to rape and sexual
harassment.
NYANKO: All in a day's work for a noble member of the Jedi Order!

>He was started when Obi-Wan shouted “Anakin, where have you been? I have 
>been looking for you! Come!

NYANKO (Anakin): Damn, I totally forgot I was a member of a devout order
of peacekeepers who must take care not to be distracted by worldly
pleasures!!
SIREN: Easy come, easy go.

>You and I have a mission! We have to find a person, come let’s see a video 
>of her.”
>
>/10 minutes later/
>
>“Ha! I saw that girl in a club!” exclaimed Anakin.
>
>“What were you doing *there*?” asked Obi-Wan sternly.
>
>“Err…I went for drink?” suggested Anakin.
>
>“/Sure, /you went” said Obi-Wan,

CROW (Obi-Wan): You think I'm going to *believe* that you went to a *club*?

>“Anyways, we have a mission- capture that girl!”
>
>“Oh, man!” whined Anakin.

NYANKO: Geez. And I used to think *canon* Anakin was annoying...
SIREN: [cheerfully] Fanfiction.net: demonstrating that things could always
be worse since 1998!

>
>/Back to the girls:/
>
>“I hacked into identity database and everything about out fake identities 
>is done, now choose your names.” Said Haruka while typing on a computer.

MOUSE: Haruka just easily hacked into Coruscant's central archives without
any previous knowledge of advanced computer technology? And created their
fake identities without any knowledge of the culture they relate to?
CROW: See, this is what happens when you take the "Outer Senshi do
everything well" thing just a *little* bit too far.

>
>“Mine will be Aphrodite Orion!” said Minako.
>
>“Juno Sagittarius” said Makoto while reading a book.

CROW: Now that Ami isn't with them anymore, the "always-reading-a-book"
mantle has apparently passed on.

>
>“Persephone Zeta” said Hotaru.
>
>“Serenity Zeta” said Usagi.
>
>“I will have the same name” said Haruka, “it suits me better”
>
>Everyone sweatdropped.

NYANKO (Haruka): Not that I have anything against your guys's new names,
though! They're very... *coughpretentiouscough* ...interesting.

>
>“Ok girls, we should split up and find us jobs!” said Hotaru.

CROW (Haruka): But we already have a lot of money from Usagi's little
competition. Shouldn't we look for a way home, instead?
MOUSE (Hotaru): Oh, stop being a spoilsport, Haruka.

>
>Minako:
>
>Minako walked through the city. Then she saw a huge line. Mostly the line 
>consisted out of blonde girls.
>
>“What is going on here?” she asked.

NYANKO: This sounds like the set-up to a blonde joke.
SIREN: I'll bet they all dye their hair, and they're in line for bleach.

>
>“They are shooting a movie- /Cosmic Orion/. The main character is a girl. 
>We are all here for an audition.”
>
>Minako blinked and got into the line as well.

CROW (Minako): Hey... the main character is a girl... *I'm* a girl...
MOUSE (Minako): It's the part I was born to play, baby!

>
>/30 minutes later:/
>
>It was Minako’s turn.

MOUSE: Well, I guess it wasn't *that* huge a line after all.
NYANKO: Lines go away fast when you start killing people ahead of you.

>She was given leather boots, leather gloves and leather leotard. Her weapon 
>was a blaster and an electrical whip.
>
>She thought ‘This will be easy’

CROW (Minako): I have *lots* of experience with whips and leather!

>
>“Ok you name please?”
>
>“Aphrodite Orion” she answered.
>
>“Well now you are Cosmic Orion, you’ll pass if you do 10 backflips, ten 
>direct shoots into that bull’s-eye and whip your whip around that dummy”

SIREN: Wait, what about acting?
CROW: It's an action movie. The lead doesn't need to act.

>
>‘I knew hat it will be easy; thought Minako

NYANKO: Can I have a 'T,' please, Pat?
SIREN: Yay for hats!

>
>Makoto:
>
>Makoto was passing several restaurants. Suddenly a sign attracted her 
>attention /Cook Needed./ She entered the restaurant. It was quite messy and 
>dirty. She noticed also /The cook will be the admin of this restaurant/.

[ALL glance at each other.]
CROW: Is that... usual?
SIREN: Well, just because the cook is busy cooking doesn't mean they can't
also run the business! It's called multitasking!
MOUSE: Apparently, the cook is also going to have to be the janitor.

>
>A man ran out and gave Makoto a cook’s hat.
>
>“You are the admin now, I’m leaving.”

ALL: ...
NYANKO: Why did he even bother putting up the sign?

>
>Makoto looked and around, put sign /CLOSED/ on and started cleaning. Usagi 
>gave her money and she was going to re-do this restaurant.
>
>/Haruka:/
>
>She was walking though the city.

SIREN: There she was, just a'walking down the street, singing "Doo wa
diddy diddy dum diddy do!"
NYANKO: Well, I *have* nearly lost my mind...

>
>/Model /she saw a sign.
>
>‘No’ she thought ‘I won’t be caught dead wearing a dress’

MOUSE: But models don't necessarily model *dresses*...

>
>Dancing
>
>‘No way’

SIREN (Haruka): I won't be caught dead dancing a waltz.

>
>Machine fixing
>
>‘Hell”
>
>She went further, but stopped and read the sign again.
>
>Machines fixing, needed help

CROW: Uh... that sign just changed since the first time she looked at it.
MOUSE: Droid signs. They know how to reel in the customers.

>
>“That’s the job for me” she said going inside.

NYANKO: Sorry, Haruka, you're too late. They *needed* help, but apparently
they don't any more.

>
>/Hotaru:/
>
>Hotaru already had attended to several places. But all said
>
>“We don’t need a gothic bad ass chick.”

SIREN: Looks like civil rights has another fight ahead of it!
NYANKO: Yeah, there obviously need to be better laws in place to prevent
employer discrimination against gothic bad ass chicks.

>
>Finally she was in front of an art school. The sign said Need a model.
>
>She thought ‘Might as well try’
>
>When she walking upstairs she saw a lot of other girls walking down crying.

CROW (Girls): That art teacher... makes us stand in a display... with so
many onions...!

>
>She gulped.
>
>When she entered the office, she saw a man turned to a window.
>
>“If you are another blonde idiot you can leave, I need a gothic girl” he 
>said.

MOUSE: Geez. First the Cosmic Orion audition, then this? Apparently
Coruscant is infested with blondes.
SIREN: I like how black hair equals gothic.

>
>Hotaru coughed and he turned. He looked her over and said “You are hired”

MOUSE (Man): "Because I am a pedophile"

>
>/Usagi:/
>
>Usagi walked through the gardens when a blinding flash startled her. A man 
>made a photo of her.

CROW (Man): I call it, "Girl Being Startled By A Blinding Flash."
SIREN: He's on the cutting edge of the art world!

>
>“What the fuck!” she exclaimed.
>
>“No, no, stand still, my dear, *you* will be my new model”

MOUSE: Huh. Three of these five jobs involve the girls standing around and
looking pretty while men record them somehow.
SIREN: Yeah, the author must be making some kind of pointed attack upon
Earth's appearance-glorifying culture. It's really kind of nice.
MOUSE: What the heck are you talking about? I'm so jealous! Why couldn't
*I* have gotten a job that involved men swarming around me, appreciating
my beauty?

>
>Usagi was about to say something.
>
>When he added “you will be swimming in money.”

CROW: Uh... is Usagi being propositioned by Scrooge McDuck?
NYANKO: ...I think I'm going to be physically sick.

>
>/That evening:/
>
>Haruka was all dirty.
>
>Makoto was tired *and* dirty.

SIREN: ...and Minako's porridge was juuuuust right.

>
>Hotaru was numb from standing while modeling.

NYANKO: Heh. She's a martial artist Saiya-jin who can fly and shoot ki
blasts, but *standing* for a few hours really takes the wind out of her
sails.

>
>Usagi had aching eyes from flashes.

MOUSE: Yeah, if Uncle Scrooge had flashed me, *my* eyes be aching, too!

>
>Only Minako was still happy-go-round.

SIREN: "Happy-go-round"? Yay! That's my new favorite expression!

>
>“So where are you now working?” asked Hotaru while Usagi massaged her 
>shoulders.
>
>“I am now in a movie- /Cosmic Orion./ I am the main character. I am working 
>three times the week, Monday, Friday, Sunday,” said Minako.

CROW: Three days a week? It's going to take them *forever* to shoot that
movie.

>
>“I am working in an art museum as a model for gothic development; on 
>Tuesday and Thursday.” Said Hotaru.

NYANKO: A model for gothic development? What the hell does that mean?
MOUSE: It means she gets to stand in a display with a little sign next to
her that says "Goth".

>
>“I am working in a repair shop from Monday till Friday.” Said Haruka.

SIREN (Haruka): They're gonna let me fix the *toasters*!

>
>“I am the admin of the restaurant /Cosmic Food,/

NYANKO: Cosmic Orion, Cosmic Food... everything is "cosmic" for these
people, isn't it?
CROW: A long time ago, in a cosmos far, far away...

>I work Monday-Wednesday and Saturday, Sunday” said Makoto.

MOUSE (Makoto): Our working theory is that on Thursday and Friday, people
don't eat.

>
>“I am a model,

SIREN (Usagi): A *cosmic* model!

>I work on Monday only from nine o’ clock in the morning till ten o’ clock 
>in the morning.” Said Usagi.

SIREN: Why, who knew that Coruscant had such a plethora of great job
opportunities for incoming aliens with no career training and no
experience with the modern world or its technology?
CROW: It certainly does have a thriving economy, yes.

>
>“Ok since Makoto is the most tired, we will each work at her restaurant at 
>least one day a week” said Hotaru “I’ll work on Monday”
>
>“Then I’ll work on Tuesday” said Minako.
>
>“I will work on Wednesday,” said Usagi.
>
>“I will work on Sunday and Saturday” said Haruka.

CROW: This fanfic reads like a novelization of someone's "The Sims" game.

>
>“Thanks girls!!!” said Makoto.
>
>/To Anakin:/
>
>“We will never find her!” whined Anakin.

SIREN: Aww, Anakin. You should cheer up and be more happy-go-round!

>
>“Stop being a baby!” said Obi-Wan, “of course we won’t find her that was, 
>it’s not like she is on city neon signs”
>
>They continued their search. Above flashed a sign.
>
>“Welcome to our new summer collection, out model is *Serenity Zeta.*

MOUSE: Alright, Miss Author. We applaud your mastery of situational irony.
YOU CAN STOP IT NOW.

>
>Pls R&R, I need your reviews, and if you won’t review I will send Draco, 
>Trunks, Vegeta, Goten and Gohan out to get you.

NYANKO: Oh, well, if it had just been the uberpowerful DBZ characters, I
might have considered disobedience, but add in *Draco Malfoy*, and it just
becomes *so* much more intimidating.
CROW: Man, I really hope Galaxia isn't going to pull the same stunt
twice...

>
>
>-----
>
>Chapter 2
>day of chatting 1
>
>Hey, I am back, with a new rap ::

NYANKO: Good, because we *hated* the old one.
MOUSE: Well, you have to admit that it's partially our faults. We *have*
been giving her a bad rap.

>Stop, cut, back!:: (AN This was lame)

CROW: Yeah, thanks, I wouldn't have caught that.

>Usagi: Hey fans, I am back, with a new chap!

SIREN: I thought it was a new rap. Is it a new chap rap?
NYANKO: Or is it just crap?
MOUSE: Oooooh, snap!

>17 sweatdrops: Are you high on sugar again? Usagi: Maybe! !7 groans a
>Why-of-all-the-people-me-groan

CROW: One word: karma.

>
>Chapter Two
>
>Usagi was alone at home.

SIREN: Except for the two bumbling burglars attempting to break in.
MOUSE (Usagi): [clapping her hands to the sides of her face] AAAAAAAAAAAH!

>Makoto and Minako were working in the restaurant. Hotaru was modeling

MOUSE: Modeling her goth?
SIREN: Hotaru's got some good goth.

>and Haruka was in the repair shop again.

NYANKO (Usagi): She just breaks so easily!
SIREN: I hope they have Haruka insurance.

>She laid her eyes on the computer and decided to chat.

CROW (Usagi): Hello, computer. How are you?
NYANKO (Computer): GREETINGS, PROFESSOR FALKEN. SHALL WE PLAY A GAME?

>
><Enter Universe Chat> <Members List> IwillStompMoby ChosenONE NabooSenator 
>IgotElectraLightSaber MustKill

MOUSE: What, is that all the people on chat in the entire universe?

>
>MoonSaiyan enters> MoonSaiyan>> Hi! ChosenOne>> Hi IwillStompMoby>> hi

CROW: Looks like in the future, chatrooms will be EXACTLY THE SAME.

>NabooSenator>> a/s/l? MoonSaiyan>> 17/f/Coruscant ChosenONE>> 18/m/ 
>Coruscant, wanna hook up, Saiyan??

NYANKO: ...please tell me this isn't happening.
MOUSE: [musing] You know, shouldn't they say "a/s/r/l" or something? You
know, to cover race? For all ChosenOne knows, he could be trying to hook
up with an errant Jawa.

>IwillStompMoby>> ChosenOnem stop acting that way!! 32/m/ Coruscant

SIREN: IwillStompMoby>> Thar she blows! The great white whale!

>NabooSenator>> 17/f/Naboo IgotElectraLightSaber>> 38/m/ Coruscant
>MustKill>> 22/f/Coruscant

SIREN: Wow, everybody's in Coruscant! What a coincidence!
CROW: Yeah, it's so very unexpected.

>NabooSenator>> WAAAH, I am the only one from Naboo

MOUSE: MeesaYousaMassa enters> MeesaYousaMassa>> hidoe!
NYANKO: NabooSenator>> Dear merciful god, forget I said anything!

>
>LuvFreak enters> LuvFreak>> Hi!! MoonSaiyan>> Hi!! ChosenOne>> hi!

MOUSE [turning to CROW]: Hi!
CROW: Hi.
SIREN: hi!!

>LuvFreak>>MoonSaiyan are you by any chance Odango Atama?

CROW: LuvFreak>> Or are you just some other Saiyan from the Moon?

>MoonSaiyan>> grrr.baka, get back here!!! Moon Saiyan chases Mina> 
>IwillStompMoby>> You two know each other? LuvFreak>> Yeaf, we are cousins!

[CROW raises an eyebrow.]
MOUSE: Ooooh, they're "cousins". Gotcha, wink wink, nudge nudge.

>LuvFreak hugs MoonSaiyan

CROW: MoonSaiyan caresses LoveFreak

>LuvFreak>> G2g, Mako-chan says we have customers

SIREN: Uh, is that the first time it's happened or something?

>NabooSenator was kicked out for cursing LuvFreak. ChosenONE>> hahhahahah 
>IwillStompMoby>> Behave!!! ChosenOne>> Windu are you going to chat 
>IgotElestraLightSaber>> it is Master Windu for u boy

NYANKO: IgotElectraLightSaber>>> Elestra, please. I can talk for myself.
MOUSE: I think there's some kind of S&M relationship going on here between
Anakin and Windu.

>ChosenOne>> Saiyan, wanna hook up? MoonSaiyan glares at ChosenONE 
>ChosenOne>> Must kill was quiet for sooooo long MustKill>> must kill, must 
>kill ChosenOne>> Whatever

SIREN: Darth Maul is dead, so who's this MustKill guy?
NYANKO: Yoda, duh.

>SaturbnSaiyanGoth enters> MoonSaiyan>> hey sis SaturnSaiyanGoth>> hi 
>ChosenOne>> you two are sisters?

MOUSE: SaturnSaiyanGoth>> Well, actually, we're "cousins".

>IwillStompMoby>> well what does it look like, oh Great Chosen One 
>IgtElectraLightSaber>> hahahahahah Lightning Juno enters> 
>SaturnSaiyanGoth>> hey mako-chan

SIREN: Lightning Juno>> Who's Mako-chan? I'm a wookie from Kashyyyk. a/s/l?

>MoonSaiyan>> he dis is me, Usagi

CROW: LightningJuno>> What's that, Usagi? Some guy is dissing you?

>ChosenONE>> so your name is Usagi, wanna hook up MoonSaiyan glares at 
>ChosenONE again LightningJuno>> anyhow, 18/f/Coruscant SaturnSaiyanGoth>> 
>14/f/Coruscant KonekosGuardian enters> SaturnSaiyanGoth>> if I am right, 
>that's Ruka MoonSaiyan>> hey Ruka!! LightningJuno>> hey!!

NYANKO: Geez, look at this awful formatting. Don't they have carriage
returns on Coruscant?

>ChosenONE>> MoonSaiyan, wanna hook up? KonekosGuardian>> get away from her 
>*glares at ChosenONE*

CROW: KonekosGuardian>> If you don't, I'll emote that I'm beating you up!

>ChosenONE>> g2g ChosenONE leaves> IgotElectraLightSaber leaves> MustKill 
>leaves> IwillStompMoby leaves> KonekosGuardian leaves> SaturnSaiyanGoth 
>leaves> LightningJuno leaves> MoonSaiyan leaves>

MOUSE: Uh... wow. I guess once Anakin leaves, the party is really over,
huh?

>NabooSenator enters> NabooSenator>> hello????

NYANKO: Ah, everyone hates Padme. And that’s *funny*.

>
>Oh yeah this story will be: Obi-Wan/Haruka

[Everyone stares, mouths agape.]
ALL: ...
[CROW shakes her head violently, as if to clear it.]
CROW: Uh... yeah. Let's... move on.

>Anakin/Usagi

MOUSE: That's a nice pairing. After all, she dies often enough that he'll
have lots of chances to shout "Nooooooooooo!"

>Oh yeah and I know where Minako and Makoto will be reborn.

CROW: Well, good for you.

>You will know it in the next chapter. And about Hotaru I dunno. I need 
>ideas where she will be reborn.

SIREN: In Acapulco!
MOUSE: Uh, why Acapulco?
SIREN: I don't know. Why not?

>Because for me it is this way: When a Sailor Senshi is reborn or revived 
>four times she becomes immortal.

[ALL glance at each other.]
CROW: Uhh...
SIREN: I guess it makes sense. Your body just needs a chance to build up
some antibodies against death!

>Usagi was reborn twice, and revived twice as well.

NYANKO: Or the Grim Reaper decided that it just wasn't worth taking her to
the other side, since she would just be sent back anyway.

>Haruka won't become immortal, but she will be reborn, when
>she dies after she has married Obi-Wan and had kids.

[CROW twitches.]
MOUSE: C'mon, Crow, it's not that bad. I'll bet Obi-Wan will make a great
mother.

>Minako and Makoto will be reborn and then they will be immortal.

NYANKO (Author): They shall forever be caught within my childish
machinations, and even the sweet release of death shall be denied them.

>Hotaru was reborn three times, so like in this story she dies and then 
>becomes immortal.

SIREN: She'll finally get off the divine see-saw of mortality.

>
>So the votes are open for, where to send Hotaru and Haruka after they die.

NYANKO: Hey, I have a suggestion: it's four letters and starts with an "H".

>Haruka will be definitely not in the same dimension as the other Senshi) 
>And also since Anakin is not immortal, after he dies Serenity will be sent 
>away too, to the same place as Hotaru, then they both will travel to the 
>dimension where Haruka is, after Hotaru gets her memories, then they will 
>all, and maybe with their boyfriends go to Minako and Makoto, and maybe 
>Usagi will get a new guy there.

CROW: Does this plot strike anyone else as needlessly complicated?
SIREN: You don't think it could use a couple more reincarnations, Crow-san?

>
>17: I am confused Usagi: I am too, but I am the author- Hell Fighter Usagi 
>and I create the story!

SIREN (Author): o/ I write the songs that make the whole world sing! o/
                o/ I write the songs of love and special things.     o/
NYANKO: She writes the songs that make the young girls cry, to be sure.

>
>So it will go this way:
>
>1. Moonlight can't die no matter how hard

MOUSE: No matter how hard what?
SIREN: Umm... no matter how hard the moonlight is?

>2. Fireflies always learn to fly (Hotaru's story)

CROW: Do they?
SIREN: I'll bet we just never hear about the ones who don't.

>3. Soft wind (Haruka's story)

NYANKO: The story of Haruka, and how she suddenly and unexpectedly
produced a Soft Wind.

>4. Flaming love and thunderous passion (Mina's and Makoto's story)

NYANKO: Wow. That gets my vote for *worst title ever*.
MOUSE: I've seen quite a bit of flaming love. At gay bars.

>5. Learning to love again (Serenity's and the other Senshi's story's)

SIREN: Well, that sounds interesting! I want to hear about how "the other
Senshi's story" learned to love again!
CROW: A real storybook romance, huh?

>
>Also there will be a prequel about how the girls met their real destined 
>ones.

MOUSE: Funnily enough, it was at a police station in Milwaukee.

>
>I have already decided for Haruka, Serenity, Minako and Makoto their 
>destined ones, but not sure about Haruka and Serenity. Also vote for 
>Hotaru!

SIREN: For '96!
NYANKO: The Tau Party slogan: "We'll Silence All Opposition."

>IS it: Haruka/Mirai Trunks Hotaru/Gohan Serenity/17
>
>Or
>
>Haruka/Mirai Trunks Hotaru/17 Serenity/Gohan

SIREN: [distressed] Oh, author! Don't make us shoulder this great
responsibility! How do you expect us to sleep at night with such a burden?

>
>Or Haruka/17 Serenity/Gohan Hotaru/ your own character

CROW: Hey, Mouse. How about a little Hotaru/Mouselle Chuan pairing?
MOUSE: No way! Mouselle is an enlightened and open soul when it comes to
sexuality, but there's no way she'd get together with an underage, skinny
little pigeonholed Goth girl! Especially not when Mirai Trunks is around!

>
>Or
>
>Haruka/Gohan Serenity/17 Hotaru/ your own character

MOUSE: How about Gohan/Mirai Trunks Serenity/Haruka 17/16?

>
>Oh yeah e-mail about the REAL destined ones me on e-mail 
>ssj4sailorcosmos@hotmail.com Oh yeah do not vote for Makoto nor Minako

NYANKO: Offenders will be shot.

>Do not vote for Trunks or Mirai Trunks to be with Serenity or Hotaru, it 
>would be gross marrying your own nephew.

MOUSE: Um. I'm less scared about the nephew thing than the implication
that someone might vote for Serenity or Hotaru to be paired with NON-Mirai
Trunks.
NYANKO: I'm with you on that one.

>
>17: you repeated some thing many time Usagi: shut up, I am not through 
>yet!!!\

NYANKO: I hate my life.
CROW: Don't worry, Nyanko, I hate your life too.

>And also here are short previews of the 5 stories that will come: (the 
>numbers are like the ones I used above)

CROW (Author): That is to say, numerical.

>2. Holly didn't understand why was she different from all other kids.

CROW: Because all other kids may eat either leavened or unleavened bread;
but Holly, only unleavened bread.
MOUSE: Huh?

>Unlike her brother who was a failure she was brilliant.

NYANKO: And unlike her brother who had friends, Hotaru was universally 
hated.

>Unlike other kids she had somehow a red four-pointed star with a purple h- 
>mark on her forehead.

SIREN: An 'h-' mark?
NYANKO: Heh. She got such bad grades, the teachers decided to tattoo it on
her head for all the world to see.

>She also had a purple tail.

MOUSE: ...unlike the other kids, who had green tails.

>Somehow she could heal other people only by touching the, but she also 
>could damage them by touching them too.

SIREN: Hotaru giveth, and Hotaru taketh away.
CROW: She also stealeth some of manga Mamoru's psychometry powers.

>She was walking through the schoolyard when she bumped into a boy.

MOUSE: How do you accidentally bump into someone else while walking
through a large, open schoolyard?
CROW: You have to be brilliant like Hotaru.

>He hurt his knee. Holly said- Wait I'll help you-

NYANKO (Holly): You can't hurt it enough by yourself!

>She placed her hands and a soft violet glow surrounded the boy's knee 
>healing it. -I guess you think I am a freak now- she said

NYANKO (Boy): Yep.

>-No, you are cool!!!- said the boy-

MOUSE (Boy): By the way... I, uh, also hurt my crotch. Can you lay hands
on that, too?

>My name is.-

CROW: [confused] What?
MOUSE: [clarifying] "My name is."
CROW: [frustrated] Who?

>
>3. Haruka was the loneliest girl of the school in one way. Girls liked to 
>be friends with her, she was cool, she had a motorcycle, but boys stayed 
>away from her, because from the early age she began hating boys.

NYANKO: That's a smart attitude to have, Haruka! Now you just need to
start hating girls, too, and you're set for life!

>She saw them only wanting from a female one thing- sex.

CROW: Heh. It takes one to know one, Haruka.

>She hated them for that.

SIREN: Umm, lesbians are actually just bitter misandrists?
MOUSE: Ha! I always *knew* it!

>She was walking home from school and as in a dream she came to a park.

NYANKO: Doesn't she walk the same route home every day?
MOUSE: [confused] Why is she walking home, anyway? I thought she had a
motorcycle.

>There she found a strange item, which came familiar to her- a pen with the 
>symbol of Uranus on the top of it. She picked it up and painful memories 
>came to her.

CROW: If this is *actually* a dream, I feel like I should be referencing
Freud right about now.
SIREN: Would you begin with the phallic pen, the repressed memories, or
the symbol of Uranus (a planet named after the male progenator in Greek
myth)?
CROW: I dunno. I think I'd need to know more about Haruka's relationship
with her parents.

>She was Sailor Uranus!

NYANKO: Gee, what a surprise!
SIREN: This author really knows how to keep us on our toes!

>She was caught into a sandy-
>yellow light and disappeared. But what Haruka didn't know, was that she 
>didn't get all the memories back, she got only about being Sailor Uranus 
>and Princess Haruka.

MOUSE: For instance, she didn't get *any* of her memories of being a
destitute but spunky orphan on the streets of Depression-era New York City.

>The memories of silver Millenium, Juuban District and life in a dimension 
>with Obi-Wan would be not revealed for a long time.

NYANKO: Heck, if we're lucky, they'll never be revealed at all.

>
>4. Minako and Makoto had just moved to this place.

NYANKO: Wait, what place?
SIREN: You know... This Place.

>They were enrolled into the best high school around.

NYANKO: [flatly] The best high school around This Place.
SIREN: It sounds very prestigious!

>Minako attracted many stares of boys.

CROW: No boys in particular, just Stares of Boys Around This Place.

>Makoto glared at them and a cold stare told them all 'You are not good 
>enough for her'

MOUSE (Makoto): You aren't female and brown-haired enough!

>Than Makoto saw the man of her dreams.

CROW: And that's supposed to be somehow noteworthy?

>He was reading a book.

MOUSE (Makoto): That book is just like the one my sempai used to have!

>He soft looking hair was tucked behind his ears. He looked up at her with 
>his soft baby blue eyes.

SIREN: He smiled at her with his soft lips, while closing the book with
his pale soft hands.

>He smiled. Then another boy came out. Just then Minako came

MOUSE: They're all coming together!
NYANKO: ...

>-Hey Mako, who's the hottie?- she asked -The blue eyed?- she asked mentally 
>wishing it wouldn't be so. -No his friend, duh!- said Mina

NYANKO (Mina): I mean, the guy with blue eyes is really, really ugly. I
can't imagine how *anyone* could ever be attracted to him. And he looks
like a *total* loser.

>-I am...

SIREN: ...the very model of a modern Major-General?

>
>5. hell no I am not going to give away the plot
>

ALL: ...
CROW: And on that note, let's book it.

-----

   [The ANIMAMATES leave the theater, looking rather drained. The bridge
is silent and empty; the viewscreen is dark.]
   CROW: Huh. I guess Galaxia isn't ready to meet us yet.
   SIREN: She must not be back from her party.
   MOUSE: Yeah. Maybe she expected the fanfic to go longer? It wasn't as
long as a lot of the others.
   [They wait around for a little while. NYANKO sighs.]
   NYANKO: Man... I'm depressed.
   MOUSE: What? Why?
   NYANKO: Oh... it's just that my plan to act good in order to provoke
Daimon-summoning angst failed.
   CROW: Nyanko, you gave up after about five minutes.
   NYANKO: I know! Why, oh why, am I cursed with such a lack of dedication?
The soul is willing, but the other part of the soul is weak! [eyes
brimming full of tears] Fie, fie upon my tragic humanoid weaknesses! Shall
I never achieve my dreams?
   [Dark energy begins to gather around NYANKO, swirling in awesome
patterns.]
   ALL: ...
   NYANKO: Score! Looks like I mustered up enough angst to get me some
DARK POWER! See you all in hell, bitches!
   MOUSE: Wait, I thought it was denying your true self that was supposed
to get you possessed, not angst.
   CROW: Whatever. I'm just not going to think about it.
   [NYANKO's body begins to glow, and she grows into a more mature, evil-
looking version of herself dressed in a black dress. A black star appears
on her forehead. Her hair unravels from its braids and grows to an even
greater length. Finally, floating in the air, she laughs evilly.]
   MISTRESS NYAN: And now, mortals, ALL shall cower before the might of
MISTRESS NYAN! Your SOULS are FOR... [clutching at her hair] OW! Hey,
these stupid bells got stuck in my hair when it grew!
   MOUSE: [to CROW and SIREN] I can't say I'm as intimidated as I probably
should be.
   SIREN: Nice to meet you, Mistress Nyan! I'm Sailor Aluminum Siren!
   MISTRESS NYAN: [trying to work the bells out] Charmed. Anyway, I'm
possessing the body of your friend to do the nefarious bidding of my lord,
Master Pharoah 90. Remember that, if you attack me, she will suffer
equally. Also, your souls are now forfeit. I'll take them as soon as I get
my hair in order. [muttering to herself] Who the heck ties bells to the
end of her hair, anyway?
   [The OTHERS glance between themselves.]
   CROW: I'm not sure where to begin.
   MOUSE: Umm... first off, evil daimon lady, Nyanko isn't our friend, and
we'd be happy to see her reduced to a charred smoking crater.
   SIREN: [shocked] Why, Mouse! What a thing to say!
   MOUSE: Okay, fine. Siren *excepted*, we would be happy to see Nyanko
reduced to a charred, smoking crater.
   SIREN: Oh, I would too. But it's really not nice to *say* that.
   MOUSE: Ah. Right.
   CROW: [to MISTRESS NYAN] Secondly, you won't be finding any souls in
this room. We don't have any.
   MISTRESS NYAN: What? But people don't just walk around without any
souls!
   MOUSE: It's true. We already forfeited our souls to our own evil tyrant
a long time ago.
   CROW: [pointing at her wrists] These golden bracers are all that keep
us from shuffling off the mortal coil.
   MISTRESS NYAN: Outrageous! I demand to know the identity of this person
who DARES to interfere with the work of the children of Silence!
   [Suddenly, the viewscreen comes on, revealing SAILOR GALAXIA. She looks
happy, and is sipping at the remnants of a tequila sunrise.]
   GALAXIA: Rejoice, servitors! Your dedicated dictator has returned.
   MISTRESS NYAN: So, YOU are the being in charge of these foolish thralls?
I shall DESTROY you for your insolence!
   GALAXIA: [absently] Not now, Nyanko. So, the party was pretty awesome.
And, guess what unstoppable, gorgeous, wonderfully ruthless future ruler
of the universe is going to be a finalist in this year's Miss Evil
competition?
   CROW: Going out on a limb, I'd guess that it was you, Galaxia.
   GALAXIA: Heh! You'd be right!
   MOUSE: There's a Miss Evil competition? Hey, why hasn't anyone told me
about this before? I'd be a shoe-in!
   SIREN: Oh, you didn't know about it, Mouse-san? I entered one year, but
they disqualified me for *not* trying to rig the results.
   GALAXIA: [waving her hand dismissively] Not to worry, Mouse. This
year's contest is now a foregone conclusion, anyway.
   MISTRESS NYAN: Umm... excuse me?
   GALAXIA: What is it, Nyanko?
   MISTRESS NYAN: Actually, I'm not Nyanko. I'm a daimon from the Tau star
system possessing her, and now I'm going to unleash my nigh-unspeakable
wrath upon you. Just so you know.
   GALAXIA: Really? You're a daimon? Hey, I was just talking to your
master earlier!
   MISTRESS NYAN: Uh... Is that right...?
   GALAXIA: Yeah, I was sitting at the bar and old Nine-O... that's what
we call him, "old Nine-O," I think Nehelenia gave him that nickname... he
turns to me and he says "So, I just engulfed another star system and
brought the Silence to the myriad races dwelling within," and I was like,
"That's great, it will save me the trouble of doing it myself when I
conquer your planets for my glorious dictatorship," so he went "Maybe you
should Silence your mouth," and I shot back, "At least I *have* a mouth,
Mr. Amorphic Darkness Entity."
   MISTRESS NYAN: Uh...
   GALAXIA: That reminds me, could you go tell him that I'll return his
Abba tapes *next* week? I know he's been bugging me about them, but I'm
enjoying them, so tell him to be a dear and hold off for a while. Or else
I'll tear his stomach equivalent out through what passes for his neck.
   MISTRESS NYAN: Yeah, uh... I'll do that. I guess I'll just... be going
now.
   [A dark force rises up out of NYANKO's body and vanishes. NYANKO begins
to shrink back to her normal size and shape.]
   NYANKO: What the... hey! Come back! [waving her fist at the air] You
didn't even *do* anything! What about the havoc? What about the
destruction? What about the *long-range strangulation*!?
   GALAXIA: Well, I'm feeling a little bit tipsy, my animalistic
assistants, so I believe I'll be bowing out for the night. Ready to be
sent back into the void?
   NYANKO: [muttering to herself] Stupid daimon idiot could've broken out
of this stupid place and killed a whole planet if she hadn't gone on
talking and talking those three stupid idiots...
   SIREN: There, there, Nyanko-san. I'm sure you'll have other chances to
be possessed by wrathful spirits.
   NYANKO: [petulent] Not like *this* one!
   GALAXIA: I'll... take that as a yes.
   [Black phone booths form around the ANIMAMATES, and they vanish.
Galaxia surveys her domain with satisfaction, then finishes her drink.]
   GALAXIA: [suddenly] Oooh! Before I forget.
   [She picks up a black rotary telephone which conveniently appears
nearby and dials a number.]
   GALAXIA: Hello? King Cold? You have *got* to tell me where you got your
recipe for fudge brownies. They were by *far* the high point of the night...
   [The scene fades out.]

-----

>“Anyways, we have a mission- capture that girl!”
>
>“Oh, man!” whined Anakin.

-----

Release 1.0: sent to Everything What is Crap
August 31, 2006