Natsumi the Magical Girl MSTified Misted by Timothy McLees Original by Richard Beiubird. This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Ranma 1/2 is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the distributors of her work. Cambot opens on a smoldering underground cavern. Steam rises from beneath the camera view. From the left enters Mike & the Bots. A grey-colored Fabio Chest Plate (tm) as well other steel- colored shaped plastic pieces, cover his black jump suit. Tom sports a crimson vest and a black wig, and a toy sword attatched to his hand. Crow is draped in decorated robes and a pointy hat. They approach a rusty bronze lever and begin looking around nervously. Tom: Well, guys, this is it. Crow: Got you Golden Sword of Whup-Ass? Mike: Check! Crowtikus, Rod of Ludricous Mana Points fully charged up? Crow : (Ash) Groovy. Mike: Right! Thomas, have you got Cleaver's Blade of the Wombat. Tom: Yessir! Let's get it on! (Mike cautiously approaches the lever and pulls it. Steam erupts around them, pan to the left. A large foam boldier splits open and spews out smoke. Mike and the bots pose, ready for action! From out of the smoke comes a demonic being (Paul Chaplin in a suit similar to his devil from "Santa Claus" only with a loin cloth and *lots* of muscle padding) Demon: SALUTATIONS, MORTALS!!! You dare enter the realm of ARCHDEMON MURRAY?!? Your puny artifacts and cheat codes will not defeat me. PREPARE TO FACE THE WRATH OF THE NINE HELLS!!! Mike (yelling): All right, everyone! We take him on three! ONE! TWO!--- Female voice (off-screen): SHINEEIIII!!! (A flurry of sparkling, white Nerf (tm) balls fly over Mike & the Bots.) Mike (dodging): Whoa!-- Crow (waeving): Gyahh!- Tom (ducks): What the--- (As the balls hit Archdemon Murray, A series of pyrotechnic bursts go off. When the smoke clears, Murray (now withou his padding), stands smoking and burnt) Archdemon Murray: Ohh poopie...(collapses) (C-Ko, prancing on screen in a snug green & brown tunic, ala Deelit) C-Ko (cheerful): Hiya, guys! I thought I lost you! Tom (frustrated): Jeez...Magic Voice, exit game! (Cavern desolves into the framework of the Holocabana) Mike (impressed): That was...C-Ko, how'd you do that!?! C-Ko (in thought): Well, I've had this Spirit Missle spell I haven't used since the zombie encounter and figured it might help. Crow (in shock): Archdemon Murray...defeated by a 1st level spell... Tom (upset): But do you know how long it took to doctor up all our items and stats!?! And you just waltz in here and blast it safely from accross the cavern! Geeezz! Mike: Well, it *did* work. C-Ko (notices Cambot): Oohiyo gozimasu!!! Welcome to Satellite of Love! Everyone knows Mike and the Bots. I got shot up here by some disgrunteled MSTies. Apparantly they mistook me for some other blonde character. Tom: Check it out, Lazurus and the Blacksmith are calling... (Deep 13) Frank:Oh, Hi guys! The good doctor has found an interesting Ranma/Magical Girl story for ya... (SOL) C-Ko (Now in a T-shirt and sweats): YATAH! Magical girls, awesome! (The rest are dressed normally, too) Tom: Sailor Ranma? Neat! Mike: I don't think that what he has in mind. Crow: What's the catch, Doc? (D13, Doc Forrester walks in from the left) DrF: Yes, Knights of the Square Table, this is a bittersweet tale of Kasumi, as she receives a gift from beyond the grave and becomes a champion of justice. (SOL, Everyone looks at one another, confused) C-Ko: Kasumi... Mike: Elder Tendo sister... Crow: Sweet, courteous, quiet... Tom: Cooks, cleans, the housewife de facto. All (Turn to Cambot): That Kasumi, right? (D13, Doc Foresster is obviously giddy with excitement) DrF: You are correct, sir! No lean back and enjoy "Natsumi, the Magical Girl". I'll get it! (walks to the back door/vault, opens it slightly) Who is--- Deep Demonic Voice: Ahh...fresh meat!!! DrF: (Doc Forrester quickly closes the door, nervous) It's for you, Frank! It's the 12 Cds for a penny club. Frank: Splendid! (Cut to SOL as Frank approaches the back door, sirens and chaos run amuck, a-muck, a-muck....) Mike: We've got FAN-FIC SIGN! C-Ko: Whhhheeee! Richard David Beaubien *Mike (sings): Mr Beaubird on my shoulder... *Crow:Suddenly I feel like poisoning pigeons in the park. Natsumi, *Tom:We've got a vicious Natsumi blowing of the Florida coast. Take shelter immediately The Magical Girl Tokyo, Japan: Nerima district. Sometime in the past... *C-Ko:Dinosaurs roamed the Earth... *Tom:Nice & vague ain't it? It was a beautiful spring afternoon. A bell signalled the end of another school day. Just within the school gate, Mrs. Tendo waited for her eldest daughter to come as she normally did each schoolday. *Mike:Hyper as a jackrabbit *Tom:Too much Dr Pepper. Sad, really. She had no reason to believe that anything would be wrong; *Crow (falsetto): Yo-de-do, hmm, wonder what all the National Guard soldiers are doing here? oh well, hmm-hmm-hmmm. any moment now little Kasumi would be running into her arms, happily presenting her with what she had made in school today. *Mike (Mrs. Tendo):What a lovely giraffe you made Kasumi-chan. *C-Ko (Kasumi-chan): It's a dog, mommy. But instead, Kasumi was crying. Concerned, Mrs. Tendo picked her daughter up. "What's the matter, Kasumi-chan?" *Tom (falsetto, sobbing): I'm an overlooked bit character! Kasumi sobbed. "Everyone made fun of me at school today, Mommy..." "Why would they do that, Kasumi-chan?" "Because I said I wanted to be a magical girl! A warrior for justice! *Crow (Kasumi-chan): I wanna be the winged scourge that pecks at evil's doorstep! Like the girls in Mahou Senshi Stardust... and everyone just laughed at me!" *Mike: At least she doesn't want to be a Beetleborg *Tom: Gack! Mrs. Tendo hugged her daughter, running a hand through Kasumi's long brown hair. "There, there," she spoke soothingly. "It's all right. Don't listen to those kids. You know, you can be anything you want if you put your mind to it." "I can?" *Crow (Kasumi-chan): Even become an overpowered Starfleet officer *Tom: Now that's a weird image... *Mike (Marissa): Oh my! I just blew up a Romulan ship, didn't I? Sorry *C-Ko (Kasumi-Chan): Did I do something evil? *Crow: Big suprise. Kasumi abruptly stopped sobbing. "Even a magical girl?" Mrs. Tendo looked into Kasumi's inquiring eyes. "Yes. Even a magical girl." *Crow (Kasumi-chan): Can I have a rainbow striped horse and hyper-glycemic music? *Mike (Mrs Tendo): Of course, dear *C-Ko:Hyper-gla...whaaa? *Tom: Cute, hon. "All right! Can I have a magical brooch, too?" "Of course, dear." She set Kasumi down. "Yahoo!!" *Crow (Kasumi-chan): I'm going to get my own series! Yesss! *Mike (ditto): Just don't expect a 10% split, mommy. Kasumi exclaimed, as they began to walk home. There wasn't a trace of sadness left within her eyes. With a little help from her mother, she could do anything. *Tom: Even direct. Including being a magical girl. Richard Beaubien Presents Natsumi, the Magical Girl *Mike & C-Ko (sings): Fighting evil by moonlight--Winning love by daylight... *Tom: Knock it the hell off, you two. (wildly and quickly embellished by Mike Koos) Episode 1: Shock! Can Kasumi Save The World? *Crow (SPC Announcer): Well, If she couldn't, it would be a *really* short series, now wouldn't it? Nabiki was busying herself with closely studying the business news in the daily paper. It wasn't quite the trade papers, but for Nabiki's purposes it would do. For the moment, anyway. *Mike (Dan Akroyd): Hmmm, pork bellies. I knew it. The day's news offered a note of interest to her - the BFC, an *Mike: Big Flippin' Cannon? *Crow: Hail to the king, baby! *Tom: Aaaiiiieee... up-and-coming major corporation was building a branch office in the area. *Crow (old): Lookie, one o' 'em new fangled corperate building? *Tom (old): 'Twern't there yesterday. Always on the lookout for a good business opportunity, Nabiki wondered if there wasn't some way she could profit from this particular bit of information. That was when Akane screamed. *Tom: Typical *Mike (falsetto): Get my agent on the phone! *C-Ko: I'm sending you to Prisoner's Island!!! Everyone in the house rushed to Akane's side in the foyer. "What's wrong, Akane?" Nabiki thought to ask. Akane was holding a small package, her hands trembling. "This just came in the mail," Akane said, her voice distant. "It's addressed to me, Nabiki and Kasumi." *Crow: And it's ticking... *All: Tick,tick,tick... She offered the package to Kasumi. "It's from... from Mom..." *Mike: Mrs Tendo should have used FedEx Kasumi reluctantly took the package and tore away the brown paper wrapping. "Oh, my..." *C-Ko: There's a cat in here. *Mike: Meow! *Crow: Actually it's "Nya!" *C-Ko: Not bad, Crow. *Crow: Well, some of my parts are from Japan... she started, examining the box's contents. Inside were three items carefully wrapped in cloth. Nabiki's curiousity got the better of her. "What is it?" *Tom: It's a box, you dolt! *C-Ko: That was harsh, wasn't it? Akane peered into the box. "There's a letter," she said, fishing out the folded piece of paper. "Let's see what it says." *Mike: Shakespearean insult of the week...Na Ni? "To my beautiful daughters, Kasumi, Nabiki and Akane," Akane read aloud. "By the time you read this letter, I will likely have passed away. I have known well in advance that I cannot prevent this, and thought that these gifts were the least I could do to help you remember me as you continue on your journey into adulthood." *Tom (Orsen Wells): When you are old enough to read these words, their meaning will unfold... "To this end, I have arranged for this package to be sent to you once the three of you come of age. I hope this package does not arrive before that time, but if it does, promise me that you will always remember me in your hearts." "To Akane, my youngest daughter: *Tom: A boot to the head. *Mike: Mrs Tendo Predicts!... I believe you are the one most likely to follow in the family tradition of martial arts *Crow: I also believe in Yoshi and the Mushroom Kingdom, but that's another story. and make your dear father proud. For you, I have made this training gi. I do hope you like it." "Don't tell your father this, but I have envisioned you becoming a talented cook as well as a martial artist." *Mike & the Bots begin snickering *C-Ko: What? Ranma snorted, and Akane caught it, pausing to glare at him. Meanwhile, Kasumi removed Akane's gi from the package and set it aside. *C-Ko: Everyone's always so hard on Akane's cooking! She taught me everything I know. *All turn to C-Ko *Tom: Now *that* explains a lot! "To Nabiki, I leave *Tom: An esteemed...boot to the head. this junior business set. *Mike: Corprate Barbie phone and a Laughing Dogbert doll. *Tom: Gyah, it's vibrating! *Crow: The phone or Dogbert? *C-Ko: Crow, that is *so* wrong! Even though as I write this, you are but a little girl, I can see that you have a fondness for business. *Mike: Hocking Tamagochis at double the retail... *Tom: Arranging "inconvieniences" for those who didn't give you their lunch money... I am reminded of the time your teacher told me you had been cheating all of your classmates out of their money. When I took you into my lap and asked you about it, you told me you were hoping to make it big with an investment on the stock market." *Crow: Uh-Huh *Mike (Nabiki-chan): Barney is up today, hmmm... "I can only imagine you now, helping everyone keep the finances of the Tendo Dojo and household in proper order." Kasumi handed the business set to Nabiki, who almost seemed not to know what to do with it. *Tom (Nabiki): Y'know I could probably get some trade-in at Office Max with this. "Finally, to Kasumi, my eldest daughter: *Tom: My prized, antique...boot to the head. *Mike: That's plenty, Master Li. *Crow: You don't even have feet. *Tom: Smeg off! I leave you this heirloom brooch and a reminder... *C-Ko: Stay in School *Crow: Just say no to dubs *Mike: And never throw dead batteries into the fire. Remember, you can always be anything you want to be if you put your mind to it. *Mike (sings): She's a wild one, with an angel's face... I have always had complete faith in all of you. Please remember that I love you, and I'm sorry I couldn't be here to give you these gifts in person." *C-Ko: It's so touching... *Tom: Pu-leeze! *Mike: At least Kasumi didn't gain her powers from a furball... *Crow: Or a video game. *Tom: Or a vending machine. As Akane finished reading the letter, she risked a glance in her father's direction. "...Otousan...?" But Soun was too wound up to answer, flooding the small room with his tears. *Crow: Yikes! He's more emotional than you C-Ko *Mike: Guys, it's an emotional heart-tugging scene. It's supposed to be melodramatic *Tom: We just work here, Mike. Akane felt as though she might cry a little, herself. Ranma and Genma were off to one side now, silently watching. *Tom: Must...not...emote. *Mike (Genma): Ho-tee-dooo, not in this scene, can't see me... *Crow (Ranma): I don't have to act if I don't want to. Akane carefully folded the letter and placed it back into the box. That done, she unwrapped the gi her mother had meant for her. Sewn in great detail on the back was a small work of sewing art... a landscape depicting the mountains that were once fully visible from the Tendo yard. *Crow: Heh. She copped it from the Karate Kid set *C-Ko sighs, leans behind the seats, searching for something... It was beautiful, and surely must have taken a long time to complete... Nabiki was still looking at the business set in her hands. She was determined not to let anyone see her cry. That would be a sign of weakness. *Mike: Ah, she took the Lilith Crane self assertion course. Wordlessly, Kasumi pinned her new brooch to the front of her blouse *Crow: PNK! *Tom: Ouch! Oh, geez, did I hit an artery? Man, its all over... *C-Ko : Where is that thing?... and headed up the stairs, the brooch catching a bit of the light from upstairs as she did so. "Well," Nabiki spoke into the silence, chuckling uneasily. "I've got business to do! Later!" *Mike (Nabiki): Sure these memories are painful & all but I've got things to do. She hurried upstairs to her room and locked the door. The junior business set rested on her desk. Why was she feeling this way? She had already bought more expensive versions of everything in the set, long ago... Nabiki fell backward onto her bed and cried. "Mom........." *Crow (Nabiki, sobbing): She owed me five dollars. *C-Ko sits back up with a *very* large drill *C-Ko:Mike, is this the Sarcasm Adjuster? *Bots: GYYYAHHH!!! *Mike:No, but it seems to working just the same. *Bots: We'll be good! We'll be good!!! *C-Ko: Okee-doke! (puts drill down, bops about in her seat) *Mike: Wow. *Crow: Mood swing... *Tom: Fweeew! ***** "Mother?" Kasumi repeated the call, though she wasn't sure why she was making it to begin with. *Crow (Kasumi): Can I go to Ashley's slumber party? She stood in an open field, her vision nearly obscured by a strange, thick fog hanging in the air. She could almost feel the grass under her sandals; that alone was comforting. *Mike: She's in a field of poppies. *All: poppies, *POPPIES*, poppies... Straining, she made out the shape of someone approaching through the mist. *Tom: Batman? *Crow:Spawn? *C-Ko: Dark Schneider? *Mike: The Shadow? *Crow: Darkwing Duck? Who could it be? But then, why was she here? She was beginning to worry... "Kasumi-chan... Remember, you can be anything you want if you put your mind to it. You can do anything you want..." *Tom: Drat! the records stuck. "Mother!!" cried Kasumi. *Crow (falsetto): Gotta run, got an Avon party to attend. "You must use the brooch. You can do it... I have complete faith in you." "**MOTHER!!**" Kasumi yelled. She tried to will the tears out of her *Mike (Kasumi, whining): Come *ON*, Dad said I could go! eyes as she ran toward the mysterious figure. But the figure receded into the dark fog and vanished. All that remained was Kasumi, on her knees, calling out in desperation... Kasumi instantly sat up in bed, her pulse racing. Had it all been a nightmare? "Oh, my..." *C-Ko (Kasumi): No more pizza and bananas before bed, ever again. ***** "Hello! I'm the official Nerima representative for BFC," the spokeswoman gushed. *Tom: Big whoopty S#!+ Wha!?! *Mike: We've got children present! *Crow: Just how old *are* you anyway? *C-Ko: 16 *Tom: Oh, in that can I can understand why I shouldn't--(stops abruptly, slowly looks toward C-Ko and shudders) The company had apparently spared no expense to announce their arrival in town. "You'll be glad to know that we plan to work with the community's best interests in mind. Your successes are our successes, after all! *Mike: BigHugeCo, working for a better tommorow. In fact, to kick off our 'grand opening' here, we're hosting a search for models for our new line of products. If you happen to be a skilled martial artist, *Tom: Here's tha set-up... then drop by our talent contest at the community center tomorrow at nine and prepare to become a star." *Crow: And the pitch... The spokeswoman smiled to herself. This was going to be easy; soon phase one of the master plan would be complete. *C-Ko: Will the mystery youma sign in, please? *Mike: Not ones for subtely are they? ***** Nabiki thought, looking for her two favorite assets - Ranma and Akane. *Mike: *OH* and she failed to dodge the plot hook! *C-Ko: But I was tumbling! *Tom: I'd like to parry the plot hook, please. She finally found them arguing away in the dojo as per usual. "Hey, have I got some news for you..." she announced cheerfully. "What is it, oneechan?" Akane studied her sister. *Crow: Say!... *Mike: Crow, that's not what he meant. *Tom: Suddenly its an AMG lemon dojinshi. *C-Ko: Could be worse, could be an Ikki-Shun dojinshi. *All: Gyuuu... (shudders) *Mike: How do you know about?... *C-Ko: I accidently saw it at a con. Whenever Nabiki was this happy it often meant she had some sort of scheme in mind. Akane had no intention of getting caught up in another one of her sister's plots. "You know that company, BFC? *Crow: Boring fictional charcters? They're looking for martial artists to be their new spokespeople and I bet you two would be perfect for the job." "Sure," Ranma replied, "but what's in it for you?" *Tom: Just your souls, Bwahahahahah. *Mike: Feeling dark today, Tom? Nabiki sighed. They were finally starting to wise up to her schemes. *Crow: She's only been at this for 60 *million* episodes... She would have to be a bit more subtle if she wanted to get any money out of them, and subtlety just happened to be a skill of hers. *Tom: Among other things... "I'll be your agent and take a mere sixty percent off the top to help pay off your debts to me, Ranma." "Wait a minute," Akane countered. *Tom: Denied! *C-Ko: I counter that with Sensitity (Tm)! *Mike: Tap to annoy target fanboy! "Why can't we do the job by ourselves and pay off Ranma's debt to you without you getting even more money out of the deal?" "Simple," *Crow: I'm smarter that you, so NYAH! Nabiki said in a voice that told them she'd already made all of the decisions. "You need an agent to look out for your best interests. *Tom: 50 soliloquies for cliche buisnessmen on the go. After all, show business is a vicious business!" Ranma had to laugh at Nabiki's feigned sincerity. "Don't you mean, 'look out for *your* best interests?'" "Why, I'm shocked, Ranma-kun! *Tom (Nabiki): Am I being snide enough for you? I wouldn't do a thing to hurt my own family!" Nabiki said in her best hurt voice. She looked across at the pair she was trying to con *Mike: COOOONNNNNN! and found she was making no progress. "Oh, all right - a seventy-thirty split in your favor." "We'll take it!" Akane exclaimed before Ranma could object. *Mike (Ranma): Remind me not to play poker with you. *Crow: Poker? I don't even... *C-Ko: Bad Crow! It was a rare occasion when she could claim the better part of one of Nabiki's deals. If, in fact, she had a choice in the matter. "Okay. Here are the papers; just sign on the lines and you're in." *Tom laughs evilly *Mike (Akane): Wait a second, do I know an agent named Mojo? Well I guess he's a nice guy... Nabiki made sure to hide the sly smile on her face while the two martial artists signed the contracts. "Thanks a lot, oneechan!" Akane yelled, dragging Ranma out of the dojo. *Crow: Akane's been drinking Surge apparently. *C-Ko (hyper): WonderfulMarvelousScatterZooooommmm!!!.... Nabiki could see the small smile on her younger sister's face. So, Akane thought she had the upper hand, eh? She quickly scanned through the contracts to be safe and allowed herself the luxury of a sinister laugh. *Tom (Nabiki) What can I say, folks, I'm evil. True, she had given up a good portion of the short-term profits, but she now held the exclusive marketing rights to Ranma and Akane's images. *Mike (Mel Brooks) Merchandizing! That's where the real money comes from! *Tom (ditto): Official action figures, official lunch box, offical flame thrower! *Crow (ditto): The kids love this one! She knew from keeping an eye on Hollywood that marketing was the real driving force. In fact, not many people knew it, but Nabiki had had the foresight to invest in _Jurassic Park_... *Tom: Golly, I'm sure a 16 yr old has more buisness savvy than, Oh, Playmates Mattel, Toy Biz, Bandai... Besides, if she truly felt like being compassionate, she could give Ranma and Akane a decent share of the money - after she took BFC for all she could. Nabiki laughed. This might be a profitable week for her after all. ***** The spokeswoman examined every last detail of the community center closely. The trap had to be properly set. *C-Ko: A lasso and a carrot, that should do it. Her leader definitely would not accept failure. She had no desire to fail her leader. *Mike: Sooo, she didn't want to fail then? "*Report!*" a loud voice snapped curtly from a nearby television monitor. *Mike knocks against his chair. *C-Ko: I'm *in* here!... *Crow: It's *ME!* It's Jesus! I have a message for you: Quit play--(Mike reachs over and grabs Crow's beak) Mrrpph! Murr-hr-ph! *Mike: I'm stopping that joke right there! The youma spokeswoman stood at attention in front of the screen. "Yes, my Lady?" "How goes the preparation for project Z?" *Crow (dubbed Vegeta): We're a hit nationwide, but we had to take out all the deaths. Real lame if you ask me, but hell, I just work here. "All is in readiness." *Mike (spokeswoman): The keg's ready to go! *Tom: "readiness"? "Excellent! Continue the good work!" The voice became silent. The youma smiled, inspecting the trap one more time. If this plan fared well she would be well rewarded with more responsibility, more power, *Crow: More doughnuts! *C-Ko: Yummmy! Doughnuts! *Mike (Homer): Ohhh...Aaaaa.... plus a good stock plan and maybe even a tax attorney. ***** Kasumi found herself meandering through the fog again. *Crow: She's on the Pod People set *Tom (distant): Watch out for snakes. This time, when the mystery figure approached, she was too frightened to speak. She simply stood rooted to one spot, trying to listen to what the figure said. *Mike: Jabberkooky, zaju kanople... Unfortunatly, Kasumi awoke before the dream ran its course. The dream faded back into her subconscious. ***** "C'mon! Aren't you two ready yet?" Nabiki banged on the stair rail. "Don't worry! We'll be down in a minute!" Akane called back. Nabiki frowned, tapping her foot impatiently. *C-Ko: C'Mon! We're missing "Friends"! Time was money, and they couldn't afford to be late. If any of the other 'real' martial artists in town decided to look into the talent contest... "We're ready, oneechan!" Akane beamed as she and Ranma descended the stairs. *Mike (falsetto): I'm ready for me close-up, Mr DaVille. They were similarly dressed in matching stylized outfits much like the ones they had worn while facing off against the Golden Pair, Mikado Sanzenin and Azusa Shiratori. *Tom: Richard either liked the Golden Pair vs Ranma/Akane story... *Crow: Or he couldn't come up with an original costume. "Wow, you two look cute!" "Oh, *right*, Nabiki. I feel like an idiot. Why do we have to wear these costumes, anyway?" *C-Ko (Nabiki): It was either this or the Power Ranger outfits, so quit complaining! "I really don't care what you feel like, as long as you get that part. Got it?" "Oh, all right," Ranma muttered, resigning himself. *Tom: Sorry, boy. your stuck it this fic 'till the end. "Let's just get this over with." They headed out the door. Kasumi caught a glimpse of the trio as they left the yard. She hoped that things would turn out for the better. *Mike (announcer): Kasumi was at a quandry... After all, if they landed the part, Akane and Ranma stood a chance of becoming big stars. Yet, why did she have an odd feeling something would go wrong? *Crow: The ominous music blaring in the background? *C-Ko: The random cuts to the BFC buisnesswoman acting evil? *Tom: Na, she just read the script. Kasumi suddenly decided she ought to pay a visit to the community center. *Crow: Now *that's* a quandry! It was on the way to Tofu-sensei's clinic, where she would be headed in about an hour or two, anyway. *Mike: How convienient. *Tom: Off to the character-meeting place! *C-Ko: To the Kasumimobile! * Doodly-Oodly-Ooooo... ***** There was certainly nothing about the community center that looked out of place - but then again, didn't all sterotypical evil monster traps tend to look perfectly harmless before they were triggered? *Crow (Jadelite): Sheesh, just give away all our trade secrets! Why did I hire you again? Nabiki wasn't interested in the surroundings however - she was busy sizing up the competition, which didn't amount to much in her opinion. Apparently most of those who had come to be 'discovered' were would-be idol singers. *C-Ko: I see TJ Roberts, Amy Jo Johnson, Austin St John... *Tom: They must *really* need work! Anyone who actually looked like a martial artist paled when she compared them to Ranma or Akane. *Mike (Tick): We *are* a justice sandwich!!! Now, all Nabiki had to do was get the BFC to sign her papers... and poof! *Crow: Ala-kazaam! she would be on her way to controlling one of the most powerful corporations in Japan. The youma watched the people assembled in the hall. Only two of those people truly carried themselves like martial artists, which, amazingly enough, pleased the youma. *Tom: You find me pleasing? This might make her job easier to do. She walked casually up to Nabiki, who had already established herself as the agent of the pair of martial artists. *C-Ko (Nabiki): Why is there a large "X" painted on the floor here? Oh well... Once she dealt with these three, she would proceed with phase two of the plan. "So, you're their agent, *Crow (announcer) Agent Nabiki: International Woman of Mystery! *Mike (Austin Powers): Yeah, baby! are you? We might be interested in making a deal... What's your price?" Nabiki had a wry smile on her face. *C-Ko (Nabiki): I know some kids from Zeo Rangers that need a job. She figured she had the advantage, and decided to press it. "You'll like it. Here, take a look for yourself." Nabiki handed the contracts to the youma. "I guess we can live with this deal," the youma was satisfied. *Mike: Your Aura of Smugness is as powerful as mine. *Tom (Vader): Impressive... As Nabiki, Akane and Ranma watched, she signed the papers. Nabiki thought, *Crow (Orsen Wells): Are you thinking what I'm thinking? *C-Ko (Pinky): I think so, Nabiki, but curlap chafs me so. "We have our models!" the youma announced. "Thank you all for coming. We'll let you know if we can use you." The assembly left the building, grumbling to themselves. The youma spokeswoman *Tom: For those playing at home the mystery youma is the BFC spokeswoman, now back to the show. finally turned to the pair of martial artists and their agent. "Now, what we need from our martial-artist spokespeople isn't just skill, but a good likability factor. *Mike: Strong cheekbones, *Crow: Housebroken. *Mike: Um, no, Crow. *C-Ko: And a nice firm tush! *Mike & bots turn to C-Ko *C-Ko: Heh! Sorry! :) We need someone who can sell Dark Kingdom pogs to the general public!" "Pogs? You're using martial artists to sell *pogs*!?" Nabiki asked in disbelief. *Tom: So, an invasion of Dark Kingdom fiends doesn't phase her... *Mike: But promoting pogs does? *Crow: I guess after living with Happosai, it takes a *lot* to phase you. "Why, of course we are. Well, let's get you two into our little training arena so we can test your skill..." "Okay!" Akane started toward the testing arena. *C-Ko (Akane): Right! Off to our deaths we go, wheee... Looking back, she saw that Ranma hadn't budged and decided to drag him into the arena instead. Nabiki shook her head; she was going to have to teach her stars how to behave around their clients. At least all the contracts had been signed. "And now, for you, Nabiki Tendo..." *Tom: One day, Ms. Tendo, you will learn that their are two sides to each deal. and my lone wish is to live long enough to see your decapitated head so I may look upon and wave like this... *C-Ko (edging away, uneasy):Errr...You feeling OK, Tom? *Tom: Just fine, C-Ko. Laughing, the youma turned her back on Nabiki. She was going to handle this agent wanna-be personally. Whoever said she wasn't allowed to have some fun before the actual plan was underway? She revealed her true youma form. "I think we should close this deal with a *bang*!" *Crow: You now face the full power of *SHO'NUFF*!!! *Mike: "By any means necessary! HO-WAH!" *Tom: Mike, that's Faroooq, not Sho'Nuff. *Crow: Eh. One ethnic stereotype's as good as the next. *C-Ko: "Ho-wah"? All Nabiki could do was scream. It was, after all, cliched dialogue. *Mike (Nabiki): I'm trapped in the USA network, Nooooo! ***** Meanwhile, Kasumi was enjoying a walk home after completing her errands *Tom (Kasumi): Sure, demons are on a rampage but I must get the shopping done. and a quick - yet always interesting - visit to Tofu-sensei's clinic. She'd taken pleasure in the fact that everyone who noticed her couldn't help but admire her new brooch, as well. *Crow (dumb): Shiny, pretty... It was a beautiful day to be outside... yet Kasumi felt that she had forgotten something. *Crow: Her pants? *Mike: For some reason, I don't think so. *C-Ko (Kasumi) Did I miss a plot hook? Oh, where is it? Perhaps it had something to do with the community center, where Nabiki, Akane and Ranma were supposed to be. She hadn't been able to get the thought out of her mind all day long. *Tom (Kasumi, panicing): Get the plot point out of my head! She couldn't quite put her finger on what the sensation meant, although she was sure something was wrong, somewhere nearby. *Mike:There's a disturbence in the force. Determined not to worry too much about it, she looked up - and was surprised to find herself standing at the base of the steps leading up to the Convention Center's front doors. *Crow: Uncontrolled Teleportation is a wonderful thing, eh guys? *Tom: Enough wandering! Get to the main fight scene already! She stared at the large sign above the glass doors for a while, reassuring herself that nothing was wrong. *C-Ko (frightened): There's no such thing as ghosts, there's no such thing as... In the end, her premonitions won over. Oh, well, it wouldn't hurt to take a quick look around. Even if there wasn't anything wrong she could always sign up for some swimming lessons... *Mike: Underwater basketweaving, perhaps? ***** In the Testing Arena, Akane and Ranma found themselves completely surrounded by a wide variety of strange monsters. *Crow (Rita Repulsa): Get them my Putty Warriors! *Tom: The tengu were cooler... Not that I watched the show, of course, Heh... But these weren't the ordinary garden-variety brand of monster... no, these were the type that appeared in sentai shows. Mike: *It's *anime*! you don't have a costume budget to worry about! "Isn't this a bit much for people expected to sell pogs?" *C-Ko: Yes, it's slowly seeping through the thick layers... "Idiot!" Akane swung a monster into a convenient wall. "I think they're trying to kill us! *Crow: We have comprehension!!! *All: Huzzah! Did you make those BFC guys mad or something?" "Me? Why does everyone always point fingers at me?" *Mike (elderly): You brought the birds. You're *evil*. *Tom (Hecubus): I ate a bunch of Oreos and didn't brush my teeth. *All: EVIL! Ranma ground two monsters into a pasty - er, rubbery pulp. *Crow: Minty fresh *DEATH*! "Maybe Dad did something... The first I heard of this company was when Nabiki told us about it." *Mike: So it *obviously* must have been legit. "We'll worry about it later." Akane steamrolled another group of monsters. They couldn't keep this up forever... "We've gotta do something!" She and Ranma stood back-to-back now. *Tom: 'Kay. Hold still, we need this shot for the movie poster. Beautiful! *All others cry in shock. *Crow: Whoooa! Warn us before ya do that, why don'tchya! *C-Ko : Ouchie-koo... Still more monsters appeared out of thin air *Tom: Ba-boom! *Crow: Ach! It is Seigfried! *Tom: 'Allo Roy! to surround and attack them. The odds didn't seem to be in their favor. "I guess we keep fighting," Ranma shrugged. ***** The youma had cornered Nabiki. Like Akane, Nabiki did have a fair amount of martial-arts experience under her belt. *All stare in puzzlement *Crow: Since *when*!?! *Tom: Come on, she's got the brains of the Tendo sisters. She's never been in a fight in her life *C-Ko: But she won against that dogman. *Crow: She just let it beat the snot out of Kuno, then lured him out a window sill with a bone. Hardly melee combat! But Akane was the one with all the practical experience though. And nothing Daddy had taught her covered fighting a youma at close quarters. *Mike: I don't know. Leecherous geriatrics couldn't be any worse. What was a youma doing here, anyway? The whole mess sounded to Nabiki like it was lifted from the plot of a television show... *Crow (TV announcer): Next fall on Fox! After having lived through the craziness that always seemed to find its way to Ranma, this turn of events didn't surprise Nabiki one bit. Now, if she had only come prepared for a youma... *Tom: Should of had my twine and swiss army knife. Nabiki took advantage of the youma's attacks to throw herself beyond a nearby corner. "Where are you, little girl? *Mike (Youma): I've got some stock options I want to talk to you about... Come on out, I'm waiting..." the youma laughed. She stepped into the hallway Nabiki was trying to hide in. "Ah, there you are! PRESS RELEASE *ATTACK*!!!" Crow: *CLICHE YOUMA STRIKE!* Several steel-hard press releases shot through the air to imbed themselves into the wall behind Nabiki, outlining her body. *Crow: She's apparently never heard of the Macarena of Death. * (steady sing-song) Ya-dada-da-Ya-dada- Yada-YA-DA... *Mike: Ooo...GODS! *Tom: We're going to kill you for that, you know. *C-Ko (sits down): Bite Me. *Tom:Wh-Whaaa!?! *Crow: You go girl! Heh he he... thought Nabiki. A youma with a corny attack? What, had she slipped into an episode of _Sailor Moon_? *Tom: The blatent plug has arrived, wouldn't be a fan-fic without it... Maybe a ridiculous-looking magical girl would even come along at the last possible instant to save her... *Crow: Whoa, what a twist! *Mike: Really? *Crow: Well, no. A doorway down the hall opened. The youma turned in time to see Kasumi step out into the corridor. "Oh, my goodness..." "*Run*, Kasumi!" *Tom: Faster Kasumi, *Kill!*,*Kill!* *C-Ko: Now who's doing the plugs? Nabiki yelled. But the youma was already leaping to strike the newcomer down in a blinding flash of light. Before she connected, the youma saw the brooch Kasumi wore and stopped cold. "It can't be possible!" *C-Ko (Youma): I've got a brooch just like that. We must shop at the same store! No way! *Mike (Youma): It's a deux ex machina, amazing! Nabiki drew herself up. If she was fast enough she could get Kasumi out of here while that thing was stunned. Where was Akane and Ranma? Instead, a strange glow enveloped her sister, *Tom: A Hi-Pro glow? originating from Kasumi's brooch. *All: Bionics...ON! on..on..on... Kasumi's outfit dissolved away as the energy swirled about her, *Mike & Bots: Gratuitous Close-Up! OOOooooo.... *C-Ko: Boys. Go Fig. forming an entirely new and unexpected outfit for her. A lemon yellow skirt formed around her waist, and a lime-green top appeared above it. *Crow: Gyack! *C-Ko: Never let surfers design your sailor fuku. *Tom: C-KO!!! *C-Ko: It's just the suit, Tom. What did you think I said? *Mike: Ummm, nevermind. A bright yellow bow, boots of the same color and white gloves finished off the ensemble while Kasumi's brooch settled into place in the center of the bow. *Crow: What, no magic rod? Can't be a magic girl without a phallic baton... Nabiki blinked. Yet, this particular magical girl just happened to be her older sister... "Our community center is a place for relaxation and recreation, not evil! *C-Ko (Yohko): I have no remorse for those that toy with the hearts of Man... Prepare to face the 86th Magical Girl of Tendo!... *Tom: Not nearly the same ring... And I won't have you ruin the good name of show business! In the name of love, I will make sure you suffer for what you have done; *Crow: In the name of the moon, will you punish me? *Mike: That's really odd, Crow. *Tom: When a problem comes along, you must whip it. I'm the magical girl, Natsumi!!" Nabiki blinked again. Had Kasumi actually said THAT!? She even spoke perfectly like one of those 'magical girl' characters. Natsumi wondered where in the world her speech had come from. *C-Ko: Carl Macek, perhaps? How had she known what was going on here? "The magical girl, Natsumi?" the youma mockingly echoed in a hollow voice. "I don't care WHO you are - I'll just destroy you!" She rammed Natsumi into a wall like an angry bull. Natsumi, stunned, rose only to be hit into the opposite wall by a drop-kick. *Mike: Rider Kick! "You're a magical girl? Well, I'm not impressed." The youma drew both her arms back. "PRESS RELEASE ATTACK!!" Nabiki wanted to scream but she couldn't. She had to save Kasumi from the deadly press releases. Nabiki didn't want to see her sister die... *Mike & C-Ko: Ummm, Nabiki. That's not... *Crow: Psst Nabiki, she's got super powers... didn't want to lose another person she cared for! She ran like she had never run before, *Mike & C-Ko*: That might not...you're not as.. Tom: She can probably take an attack better than... and managed to push Kasumi out of the path of the press releases in time. Nabiki took the full force of the attack and was thrown into the wall, hard. *Mike: Aw Jeezzz, nevermind then! *C-Ko: Sheesh! "*Nabiki*!!!" Natsumi yelled as Nabiki hit the wall and slumped to the floor. She ran to Nabiki's side and saw that her sister was unconscious. *Crow: She'll have to go to the Intesive Unconsciousness Clinic. "How dare you... you'll pay for this!" "Oh, I'm really SO scared. What in the world could you possibly do to me?" "This!" *Tom (Natsumi):Cooked Ramen Attack!!! *Mike: That would actually fit... Bright green energy flared around Natsumi as she prepared to attack. Her brooch flared with power - the power of Natsumi's anger. *C-Ko: The rage of underappreciated cooks everywhere! Natsumi wanted to make this youma suffer for hurting her sister. "Love Power Strike... *NOW*!" *All begin groaning *Mike: Oh, wait...how about Fluffy Bunny Wave. *C-Ko: or Kitty Stampede Strike. *Crow: Or Happy Monkey Dance. *Tom: Naw, that's just goofy. Natsumi's Strike completely engulfed the youma. It was only a matter of time before she phased out of existence. Natsumi, exhausted, sat down next to Nabiki and buried her head between her knees, *Crow: Ah-ha---ummm, naw, can't do it. *C-Ko: That's kind of odd, isn't? *Mike: I think you're too young to be watching this scene. crying, hoping that Nabiki would recover. ***** Akane and Ranma, too, were exhausted. For all their strength and skill they had never had to face off against an endless horde of monsters. But somehow, that horde finally began to dwindle. *Tom (British): Bu-bye, now. *C-Ko: Toodles! Soon there was nothing left in the room but two martial artists and the smell of burning rubber. *Mike: They got sprayed with Dip apparently. A security camera relayed the picture to an observer, far away. The observer was none too happy. *Crow: How about Observer and Observer? "Mine! *Tom (Ren): It's *MY* ice cream bar!... What is the reason for this failure?" "I'm sorry, my Lady," Mine appeared, bowing. *Mike (Mine): We stuffered from a barrage of cliches. "The youma we sent to handle the plan was defeated by a magical girl who called herself, 'Natsumi.'" "We must have those two martial artists under our control, magical girl or not. They will make excellent new 'recruits' for our youma army. *C-Ko: Since when did the Negaverse *recruit* humans? That seems counter-productive. With the quality of martial artists in this area alone we can take over this world, which will make our chairman extremely happy. *Crow (Mine): We'll be able to create cheap Fox sentai for years to come! Mine, it's your job to bring me those martial artists. Remember, I will not tolerate failure." Mine paused. "Yes, my Lady." *Tom (John Cleese): Yes, *my lady*. I'm doing it, *My lady*. How can I get anyting done with you checking up every three bledding minutes, you cow! She respectfully bowed once more before her leader. She knew the price of failure... *Mike: Spending a night with the Observer's weird cousin. *All shudder She would capture Ranma and Akane, and get Nabiki as well... she respected Nabiki; Nabiki was as dangerously cunning as many of the youma she knew. Shrewd enough to bleed money out of a major corporation. *Crow: She'd make an excellent defense lawyer... And besides, Nabiki would be the perfect bait to use for luring Ranma and Akane into her trap... *Mike: Magic Girl Cliche #13... *C-Ko: Nabiki's been demoted to Girl Hostage, oh well... ***** "Are you sure you're all right?" Kasumi asked as she walked Nabiki toward Tofu-sensei's clinic. The concern was quite evident in her voice. "I'm fine," Nabiki said. *Tom (Nabiki): I'm sure I can just walk off this compound fracture. Hopefully no one would see her in this moment of weakness... Kasumi, thankfully, was back in her normal clothes now. Natsumi's outfit would take a while to adjust to. "I just have one question." "Yes?" *Mike: What's the fastest land mammal? *Tom (Catankerous, British): What is your favorite color? *Crow: What are you doing after the battle? Lunch, perhaps?... *C-Ko (whips out a foam bat and bops Crow) Bad Crow! *Crow: Owie! Knock it off, kid! "Would you mind letting me have the exclusive marketing rights to Natsumi?" *Mike (Mel Brooks): Official Natsumi Posters, Natsumi action figures *Crow: Action figures? *Tom: Sure why not? Kasumi's pace slowed. That's right, she was Natsumi! A magical girl! Just as Mother had promised... If Nabiki was trying to negotiate for marketing rights, she must be feeling better already. It was a pity Kasumi couldn't feel the same way. She wondered - what if there were more youma attacks? *Crow: They'll be in the series. Our associates are ironing out the final contract with the network. Was it entirely up to her to defend the power of good and the lives of people everywhere? She had never thought of herself as the 'action hero'-type *Mike (sarcastic): I *wonder* why... *Tom: Cuz she's been the housewife de facto up until this point. *Crow: Or the complete lack of *any* combat abilities... *C-Ko: I don't know. Sasami doesn't have many exceptional powers and she can--YATAH! What a *COOL* idea!!! *Mike: Oh, dear... and wondered if being Natsumi wasn't going to be too much for her to handle... She looked down upon her brooch and heard her mother's voice. "Kasumi-chan... Remember, you can be anything you want if you put your mind to it. You can do anything you want..." Mike (Tasuki): Feh! She's either pure or stupid. Tom: Gee, why not both? C-Ko whispers something to Crow Crow: Uh-huh, umm well I'm not sure...(C-Ko stands up) To Be Continued... *Tom (announcer): Same Kasumi-Time! Same Kasumi-Channel! *C-Ko (skipping off screen): Come on Crow! It'll be fun! *Crow (starting to leave): Well, I haven't worn that in a while, but sure. Ja ne!! Richard Beaubien ---------------- Mizuno Ami-chan forever!!! *Mike (picks up Tom, leaves): Starring Jim Carrey, Val Kilmer... *Tom: And Alicia Silverstone as Leathergirl! (SOL. Mike and Tom are lounging on a leather, comfy looking couch, drinking hot tea, on the bridge discussing today's fic) Mike: It started out promising. Tom: I agree. The gift receiving scene pulled quite a few heart-strings. Shame it dissolved into a plot from any Sailor Moon episode. Mike: I particularly liked Richard's unique view of the Tendo family. Tom: Oh, like the fact that *Nabiki* is now a proficient martial artist, too. Yeah, when I size up power levels of the Ranma characters, Nabiki ranks way up there. Mike: I had two major beefs with the plot point: Where did they find the "magic girl brooch" and the big question: Why *KASUMI*? Tom: But say, Nabiki, with her cunning and some super powers. That would be neat--- (Fast paced Japanese idol music fills the SOL bridge) Mike (gets up from his chair): The hell!? C-Ko's voice: Those who would dare corrupt the souls of men, women, children, and pets must face... (C-Ko springs from the left side of the screen. She's dressed in a yellow body suit with red flame designs on her gloves and leggings. A tiara with a round topaz inset rests on her head.) C-Ko: Solar Girl Sekungi C-Ko!!! Yatah! Tom: Wow, that's a bright suit you're wearing! C-Ko: I've found my calling guys. I'm going to be a magical girl. Heck, if that perky twerp Sasami can do it, so can I. Mike: Sounds like a plan! You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you? C-Ko: Uh-Huh! (displays a yellow foil covered staff) I've got my magical rod... Tom: Frued would have a field day with that... C-Ko: And I got a *kawaii* familiar. Check him out! (Crow moves next to "Solar Girl' C-Ko, He's covered in a Killer Shrew type outfit, only without fangs, well groomed and brass rings around the ears. Crow (Ryo-Ohki-esque meowing): Ni-YAH! nya, nya, nya! Mike: Crow, you're adorable! Crow: I feel so ashamed. Tom: Wait, everyone Mad's are calling. (D13 Frank and Dr Forrester strain to hold back the force behind the door. Smoke is pouring from the seams.) Frank: Can't...hold him...back. (The door swings wide open sending DrF and Frank flailing to the floor. Dr Forrester scrambles up) DrF: Run for your lives Frank we're not going to make it. Dr F: I don't have to out run it, just you! (Dr F & Frank shove each other as their sprint off screen. A muscular figure stands in the door. As he steps to the console, we see Kevin Murphy in a butcher's outfit, his white apron with a few faded blood stains. He's caring a hearty package of sliced turkey) Butcher (Bronx accent): Come on guys, it lean! Good, thin-sliced!...(sigh) People don't appreaciate good service these days. (sets the "fresh meat" on The Button) Blip! Fwwooooooshhhhhh--- Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Special Thanks to FFML, who original carried a MSTing-style critique of this fan-fic, It looked so goofy I did my own take on it. Coming Soon: The Mihoshi Incident! Sailor Moon is back on the air! Check it out on USA 8:30 EST Apologies to any Diablo-ites who are offended by me mocking the use of patches, cheat codes, Player Killers and what-not. Earn your XP like the rest of us! Laughing, the youma turned her back on Nabiki. She was going to handle this agent wanna-be personally. Whoever said she wasn't allowed to have some fun before the actual plan was underway? She revealed her true youma form. "I think we should close this deal with a *bang*!"