Episode 503 of SFT1B Turn down your lights (But don't take my word for it) In the not too distant future In the depths of outer space Mike Nelson and his robot pals Have received a saving grace. They've finally goten away from Pearl A woman who now controls the world. So now they're free to do their will That is, if they can just manage not to get themselves all killed! ALL: GET US HO-O-OME! MIKE: We'll use the Auto-Return To get us back to Earth (lalala) I can't wait to get home again... And be back on my old turf! (lalala) Now keep in mind Mike doesn't know When their journey home will end. (lalala) He'll have to sit and wait it out With his company of robot friends! ROBOT ROLL CALL CAMBOT! "Panning left." GYPSY! "Let's roll!" TOM SERVO! "Are we there yet?" CROOOOOOOOOW! "You know you want me, baby!" If you're wondering just why this show's plot Is changing every year (lalala) Just repeat to yourself, "Best not to ask," And there are no worries here. On SCIENCE FICTION THEATER 1,000,000,000! 1...2...3...4...5...6... [SOL] Mike and the 'Bots are behind the counter. The wall behind them is covered with a very poor patch job dealing mostly with duct tape. MAGIC VOICE: Last time on Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000: MIKE: Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson today, guys. SERVO: And that was...? MIKE: Never settle for low-quality paper towels. CROW: Oh, I can see why you would...huh? *Mads' sign* [Castle Forrester] PEARL: Hahahaha! That Evangelion fanfic was right up their alley! Oh, I guess it wasn't. Which is why that's good for me! HAHAHAHA! [Observer rushes in holding a telephone] OBSERVER: Pardon me, Pearl, there's a call for you. A Mr. Bill Gates? PEARL: Really? Give me that! [grabs the phone] Hello? [Muffled high-pitched babbling can be heard from the receiver.] PEARL: A business proposition? Yes, I'm listening... [fade to black] MAGIC VOICE: And now, the conclusion. [fade in on SOL bridge] MIKE: ...and that's why Bounty is the quilted, quicker picker-upper. 'BOTS[fascinated]: Ooooh... [Gypsy rushes in.] GYPSY: Mike! There's a strange sensor reading coming from Castle Forrester! MIKE: What? What is it? GYPSY: I'm putting it on the main viewer! [Everyone looks at the main viewer, which is located directly behind Cambot's view.] MIKE[shocked]: Oh, dear goodness! SERVO: She wouldn't! CROW: She would. GYPSY: Oh, it's too horrible for my sweet, innocent eye! MIKE: This is bad...very bad! [Dramatic music and fadeout.] [SFT1B bumper logo] [commercials] --- [SOL] Fade in on the previous scene. MIKE: Are those what I think they are? SERVO: I'm afraid so, Mike. *Mads' sign* MIKE: Pearl, have you gone insane?!? What are you doing with *those*? [Castle Forrester] Pearl is standing outside the castle. The camera angle is tilted upwards so we can also see a wall of the caslte and the sky above. Giant gundams, transformers, evangelion units, and Big-O are walking around the property aimlessly. PEARL: Ah, Nelson. I see you've noticed my giant robot army. [SOL] CROW: Sch-yeah! [CF] PEARL: Well, thanks to those loveable geeks at Microsoft, I am now the proud owner of these giant robots you see behind me. They'll be part of my worldwide army to keep peace and order. [SOL] SERVO: You know, Pearl, as anime has shown us countless times before... MIKE: ...giant robots can only lead to gargantuan battle scenes and everlasting war between giant factions bent on worldwide destruction. GYPSY: By ushering in an age where large battle machines can do the work of man, war will become a sport, played out on a galactic battlefied that has no feelings of what is right and wrong...of the injustice of endless battle, and of the value of the fighting human spirit. CROW: The endless waltz of war, peace, and revolution will continue until mankind has been eliminated from the surface of the Earth! [CF] PEARL: So what's your point? [SOL] MIKE: The world is doomed. *movie sign* ALL: MOVIE SIGN??? MIKE: Don't tell me we're not finished with "Neo Evangelion" yet! CROW: Okay, I won't. SERVO: D'OH! ALL: AAAAAAAAAAA!!! [the usual panic] 6...5...4...3...2...1... [Mike, Servo, and Crow enter the theater.] MIKE: Lousy fanfics and their never-endingness. >Shinji: Last time, on Neo Evangelion: > >The energy beam emitted by the orbs exited the tree and struck the ground. There >was a flash of light and two figures stood. They were both in their early teens, >clad in different color jumpsuits. One was a boy with short brown hair and brown eyes. >The other was a girl with crimson hair and green eyes. > >The boy was Shinji Ikari and the girl was Asuka Langley Soryuu. CROW: Oh, no, Mike! The last episode is starting all over again! MIKE: This can't be happening... > > >They turned and saw the giant tree. > >Asuka: What the hell is that? > SERVO: You are CORRECT, sir! >Ritsuko points to the tree. > MIKE[Ritsuko]: If you were were a tree, which kind would you be? I'd be that one. >Ritsuko: The Tree of Sephiroth. It was foretold in the scrolls that the tree would rise. > > CROW: ...and block out the sun and destroy the world's crops, all for the purpose of yeilding one single fruit that would make anyone the strongest fighter in the universe-- SERVO: That's the Tree of Might. CROW: Oops. My bad. >Kiel: In case you have forgotten, the threat of the Angels is over. The Evangelions >are no more so it won't be long before the Japanese Government decides that NERV is >useless and shuts them down. MIKE[SEELE member]: But what if NERV starts producing an impressive line of hentai manga, sir? >In the mean time, we should start "helping" the citizens >of Tokyo 3 rebuild their lives from the trouble the Evangelions caused. NERV will fall >in all good time. > > >Fuyutski: Certain NERV scientists always feared that the Evangelions would fail in >our battle against the Angels. The Pocket was supposed to house the backup to the Evas. SERVO: Instead a bunch of these monster things got into the Pocket, and out came Pikachu, Snoorlax and all the Pokemon that we know and loathe today. > >Shinji, Asuka, Misato, Ritsuko, and Maya looked out the window. Down in the cargo >bay were several large machines shaped like cars, tanks, and other assorted vehicles. > MIKE: We have taken those cheap, imported American Saturns and created from them the ultimate fighting vehicle! >Asuka: They're machines! > > >Yui: My name is Doctor Yui Ikari. This message contains basic outline for the E2 >Project. SERVO: You mean NERV controls the Electronics Entertainment Expo? MIKE: No, that's E3. SERVO: Oh. >This is an extension project of Operation E which my husband, Gendo, has >initiated. They are formerly titled Fully Artificial Vehicular-Humanoid Conversion >Assault Force. Or its alias, MechEVAs. One of the features that make them different >from the Evas designed by Doctor Akagi is that they have a conversion process. For a >long time, I had a feeling that the intentions of Seele were CROW[Yui]: Blah, blah, blah, Shinji. Blah, blah, sucks, blah... >self-inspired. I knew that Seele does not care about evolving humanity, only >themselves and establishing themselves as the governing power of Earth. > MIKE: But "Heil SEELE" just doesn't have a good ring to it. They should consider a more worthwile goal. > >Kiel: I'm surprised you were willing to betray your friends like this. You must >kill Shinji Ikari. > > >Asuka: Die. > SERVO: You know what's sad? The fact that I'd love to. > >Ender Publishing Company > >In association with > >Gainax Productions > >Presents > CROW: ..."Topless Anime Chicks 3: The Revenge!" MIKE: NO. > >Anime Revival Series > >Neo Evangelion > MIKE: Which is starting to seem more like transformers right now... SERVO: TRANSFORMERS! [Crow starts "ba-da ba-pa"-ing the Transformers theme] MIKE: More than meets the eye... > > >Starring the voices of: SERVO: TRANSFORMERS! MIKE: Robots in disguise. > >Mark Hammill >As >Shinji Ikari CROW[Gendo]: Shinji, I am your father! SERVO[Shinji]: NOOOOO! > >Kirsten Dunst >As >Rei Ayanami > >And >Alicia Silverstone >As >Asuka Langley Soryuu > > >Also starring: > > >Elizabeth Berkley >As >Maj. Misato Katsuragi > >Gates McFadden >As >Dr. Ritsuko Akagi > SERVO[Ritsuko]: I would come on to you, Gendo, but I have a thing for *bald* men. >Leonard Nimoy >As >Cmdr. Gendo Ikari MIKE[Nimoy]: My character doesn't seem to behave in any logical manner, captain. > >Susan Blu >As >Maya Ibuki > > >With >Raymond Burns >As >Prof. Kozo Fuyutski > >And >Harrison Ford >As >Chairman Kiel > CROW[Ford]: We will *not* give in to those terrorists' demands! Oh, wait, we're the ones controlling the terrorists... >And introducing >Steve Cardenas >As >Vice-Chairman Mendoza > SERVO: ...and George W. Bush as the Beaver. > >Written by >Stephen Frey MIKE: This guy has one *big* fist coming for him once we get back to Earth. 'BOTS: Hear, hear. > > > >Title: Episode 2: Retribution > SERVO: What we're planning to do to the aforementioned writer. > Open up on a gunshot. For a long moment, everything is frozen in time. MIKE: Shinji uses the Matrix to stop the bullet and get out of the way. >Suddenly, Asuka drops the gun and falls onto her front. Gendo is shown behind her >holding a smoking pistol. > >Shinji: Father. > >Gendo pockets the pistol. CROW[Gendo]: Youse didn't notice nuthin', see? > >Gendo: Tell Fuyutski to ask Doctor Akagi to bring a stretcher for Asuka. Explain >that she was trying to shoot you and shot herself instead. SERVO: That's an obvious lie. Everybody knows Asuka doesn't have a concience. > >Shinji didn't understand why his father wanted his roll in this to be a secret >but didn't question his orders. > >Cut to the Infirmary. Asuka is laying on a bed, a mask over her mouth and an >I.V. dripping fluids into her blood stream. Outside, Ritsuko is talking to Shinji, >Misato, and Gendo. MIKE[Ritsuko]: She's dead, Gendo. > >Ritsuko: We're lucky the shot only penetrated her digestive tract. Any higher >and it would have been fatal. > >Misato: Will she survive? CROW[narrator]: Find out in our next exiting episode! Same Eva-time, same Eva-channel! >Ritsuko: Considering the fact that she almost literally ate a bullet? Yeah, >she'll survive. SERVO: Eating bullets? Asuka shouldn't take those frat dares. >Shinji: What I want to know is why did Asuka try to kill me? What did I ever >do to her? MIKE[Misato]: Remember when you and Toji raided her panty drawer? >Misato: She didn't seem like this while we were fighting the Angels. A little >trigger happy but not enough to murder someone in cold blood. > >Gendo turns to Ritsuko > CROW[Gendo]: Ritsuko, your Dr. Crusher impersonation is turning me on. >Gendo: Were there any signs of narcotics or other substances? >Ritsuko: No, her body was clean. >Misato: What about mind control or brain washing? >Ritsuko: The instruments picked up no alteration in her brain waves. SERVO[Gendo]: What about the media? Did they create this homicidal behavior? MIKE[Ritsuko]: No, sir. SERVO[Gendo]: How about violent video games? MIKE[Ritsuko]: Not a chance, sir. SERVO[Gendo]: Maybe it was mind control? MIKE[Ritsuko]: You already said that one, sir. >For all we know, she really wanted to kill Shinji. >Misato: But why? CROW: Why not? > >Ritsuko shakes her head and leaves. > >Gendo turns to Misato. CROW[Gendo]: Misato, your-- MIKE[Misato]: Stuff it. > >Gendo: Major, when she's well enough, I want you to take her up to the Geo Front >and dump her there. >Misato: But Commander, we need pilots for the MechEVAs. With Rei gone and Asuka >in her... >Gendo: I will not allow her to damage the E2 project. She will receive substantial >food, water, and money until she can establish her own income. Shelter, clothes, >and other resources will be her responsibility. SERVO: So Gendo is just going to throw a teenage girl on the street and feed her table scraps and tap water. MIKE: Man, talk about tough love. > >Gendo leaves. > >Cut to an executive boardroom. Chairman Kiel sits at the head of a table. His back >is turned to the others. MIKE: Chairman got back. SERVO and CROW: Yuck! CROW: Don't say that again, Mike. MIKE: Sorry. > >Kiel: Has our operative succeeded in killing Shinji Ikari? >Director 1: No, sir, not yet. >Kiel: I didn't expect the task to be completed anyway. How are productions of >our new MechEVAs turning out? SERVO: Huh? >Director 2: Finding the necessary resources was tough. We had to resort to using >parts from the old EVAs. >Kiel: Hmmm.... Cyber-EVAs. ALL: No...TRANSFORMERS! > Interesting concept. Very well, continue. >Director 1: We've received word that the Second Child, Asuka Soryuu has been put >in the hospital. We've also received word that she'll be discharged from Nerv. >Kiel: Hmm... Interesting news. Thank you, gentlemen, that is all. MIKE: Jeez, this guy is so unmoved by everything. You could tell him he was about to be crushed by a giant wearing a polka-dot speedo and it still wouldn't faze him. > >The Directors leave. > SERVO: Wait, come back! Phoey, now the fanfic will *really* lose focus. CROW: If I was the director, I'd definitely be wising up to the fact that the fanfic is beyond saving at this point. >Vice-Chairman Mendoza appears behind him. MIKE: BOO! >Mendoza: Thinking of gathering yourself an ally? >Kiel: Asuka Langley Soryuu is an excellent EVA pilot. And after NERV denounces >her, with her personality, she would want revenge. And being the nice people we >are, we should let her have it. SERVO: But, he already tried to recruit her and it didn't work. MIKE: Don't think. It will only waste brain power. > >Mendoza smiles evil-like. CROW[Mendoza]: I'm picturing her naked. > >Cut to a hospital room at The Pocket. Asuka lays there, her condition unchanged >in the past two days. Shinji sits by her side, staring. SERVO[Shinji]: I'm picturing her naked, too. > >Shinji (thinking): Why, Asuka? What did I ever do to you? Whatever I did, I'm sorry. SERVO[Shinji]: Is it the picturing-you-naked thing? Because I can't help that. You anime chicks were *made* for that, after all. > >Maya enters carrying a laptop. MIKE: Wow. What a get-well-soon gift. SERVO: I want to get shot so she can give one to me! CROW: I'd like a DVD player, Maya! > >Maya: No change, huh? >Shinji: None. >Maya: Don't worry, she'll come around. >Shinji: That's what I'm worried about. MIKE: D'oh! >Maya: Shinji, there's something I want you to look at. >Shinji: What's that? > CROW[Maya]: I can tell that you've been picturing me naked, and I thought I'd... MIKE: Okay, that running joke stops right here and now! CROW: Sorry, Mike. I couldn't help it. MIKE: Understandable. >Maya opens her laptop, and types some commands. She inserts a micro disk into >the CD-ROM drive. > >Maya: I discovered this while going through the database in the control center. >It was addressed to you personally. >Shinji: Me? > >Maya hits the enter button. Yui Ikari's face comes on the screen. SERVO[Yui]: Dear Shinji, I regret to inform you that Gendo is not your real father. CROW[Shinji]: Oh, *whew*! That's a relief. SERVO[Yui]: He is, in fact, your brother. CROW[Shinji]: NOOOOOO!!! > >Yui: Shinji, if you are listening to this recording, it must mean that something >so catastrophic has happened that Professor Fuyutski was forced to reveal the >E2 project to you and Gendo. CROW: Looks like Yui has planned a video confessional for almost every worst- case scenario. > >Yui's face minimizes to a bottom-left hand corner of the screen. The diagram of >a spaceship-like vehicle comes up. > MIKE: Oh, no, don't bring Star Trek into this... >Shinji: This is Mech-EVA Unit 01, also called Archangel. It is the fastest and >most powerful of the Mech-EVAs. I want you to pilot it. Hopefully, by the >time you hear this message, you are old enough to understand what has been going >on. If an Angel attacks, you will be able to use the Mech-EVA's firepower to >confront and destroy it. If things get too tough, you can always activate the >humanoid conversion sequence. SERVO: The...what? MIKE: Uh-oh... CROW: It's...oh, god, it's horrible! > >A simulation of Mech-EVA Unit 01 going through its transformation sequence begins. ALL: IT'S POWER RANGERS IN SPACE!!! [Mike and the 'Bots hide under the seats] > >Yui (continuing): The thrusters become the leg units for Archangel. The cockpit >area is actually a solar-powered blaster, completely detachable. It should already >be on full power but in case it isn't, turn the solar panel on top of it toward the >sun. Archangel possesses other attributes such as flying abilities and a wrist-mounted >laser-guided energy weapon. It's powerful, but it will only happen when your mind is >in perfect synchronization with Archangel's circuitry. PEARL[over loudspeaker]: Hey! Get back in those seats before I turn off your oxygen! ALL: Yes, Pearl... [They stand up and return to their seats.] CROW: What a bitch. PEARL: I heard that! CROW: I know. Phbbbbt! SERVO: Good one! CROW: Thank you. > >Yui's face maximizes the screen. > SERVO[Yui]: I'M HUGE! >Yui: I realize that some of this may seem strange, even terrifying at first, but you >must have strength and believe in yourself. CROW: Do you believe? > >Yui pauses and looks off-screen, then looks back. > >Yui: Shinji, I'm very proud of you for taking this step, and even your father is >although he may not show it. Always remember Shinji that no matter what happens, >I'll always be by your side, even in death. MIKE: Uh...that's a little creepy to me. >I love you. > >The image stops. For a while, the room is quiet. [silence] CROW[village idiot]: Hey, what's everybody so quiet for? MIKE and SERVO: SHHHH!! > >Maya: You want to get some lunch. Might help you take your mind off of things. >Shinji: Sure. > >As Maya and Shinji leave, they are unaware that Asuka's eyes were open the whole time. > SERVO[Monty Python]: She's not *quite* dead... MIKE: Let's blow this joint. CROW: I second the motion. [Mike, Servo, and Crow exit right.] 1...2...3...4...5...6... [SOL] Mike and Servo are on the bridge. MIKE: So...we've got transformers and megazords up the wazoo. SERVO: Yup. MIKE: But we haven't seen any of the original Eva units yet. SERVO: Well, that can be explained, Mike. You see, the Evas were outdated. MIKE: What do you mean? SERVO: Allow me to show you using this simple diagram... [Crow pulls in a graph showing two lines, red and blue. Both lines start at the zero position and slope higher and higher as the x-axis value increases. The red line is slightly higher than the blue line through the entire graph.] SERVO: The red line indicates the Power of the Bad Guys, and the blue line indicates the Power of the Good Guys. Please note, the Bad Guys will always have a slightly higher Power. MIKE: ...Okay... SERVO: The horizontal axis indicates the plot of a particular action/anime series. Notice that, as the show goes on, the power of both sides increases. CROW[otaku]: That's right, 'cause like in DBZ everybody gets a higher and higher ki. SERVO: ...uh, thank you, Crow. Anyway, to keep viewers interested in the series, writers must introduce stronger villians to overpower. They "raise the bar," so to speak. MIKE: And so the bad guys increase in power first, and the good guys rise to face that new challenge. SERVO: Exactly! The bad guys in "Neo Evangelion" have risen above the power of the conventional Evas, so newer models must be created. MIKE: Hence Transformers. SERVO: Now you've got it, Nelson. Boy, I didn't think a simple country man like you could understand this sort of high-tech plot theory. MIKE: Hey! *commercial sign* CROW: So, why don't the really strong bad guys that show up at the end come earlier? They'd clean house! SERVO: If they did, the show would be over. It's a whole "convenience" thing. CROW: Oh. MIKE: We'll be right back. [Commercials] [Mike and the 'Bots enter the theater.] >Cut to outside Asuka's room. Maya and Shinji are walking down the hall. >Maya has her arm on Shinji's back, CROW[Maya]: And *this* is how you perform the Neo-Heimlich. > leading him away. They are unaware of a shadow (Gendo) watching them. SERVO: He's not technically a shadow... MIKE: We get it, Servo. > >Cut to the former Geo Front. Misato is going through rubble. CROW: What, so all of a sudden she's Shadowcat? > >Misato: Come on, come on, where are you, you piece of... > >Misato throws a slag of rubble off-screen. A cell phone lies there. >Misato rips open the cell phone and takes a microchip out. She runs off. SERVO: Wow, she found the proverbial needle. MIKE[James Earl Jones]: And now Verizon gives you powerful new technology that allows you to destroy a cell phone to retrieve a computer chip containing top-secret military information. > >Cut to the control center. Misato is entering commands into the computer. >Profiles began appearing on the screen. > >Computer: Name: Ayako Fukui. CROW: Hey, is *that* how you say f-- MIKE: CROW! CROW: --k in Japanese? >Military rank: Lieutenant, Japanese Defense Force. Race: Japanese. >Age: 35. Sex: Female. Abilities: Hacking. SERVO: Sure, she can slice 'em up with the best of them, but she's no Bruce Campbell. >Current location: Kyoto, Japan. >Misato: Next. >Computer: Name: Harvey Bennett. Military rank: Sergeant, U.S. Marine Corps. Race: American. >Age: 28. Sex: CROW: Yes. MIKE: That was so old it's pathetic. CROW: Oh, shut up. >Male. Abilities: Genetic research. Current location: Nevada, United States of America. >Misato: Next. MIKE: Jeez, she's just dismissing every aplicant today. CROW: It's not one of her good days. >Computer: Name: Esteban Garcias. Military rank: Lt. (jg), New Scotland Yard. Race: Spanish. >Age: 19. Sex: Male. Abilities: Program writing. Current location: New London, England. CROW: Great. A computer whiz with a Brittish accent. SERVO["Q"]: Now pay attention, Mr. Ikari. >Misato: How many are left? >Computer: 2. SERVO[Misato]: Well, those don't make the cut either. I'm done. >Misato: Next one. >Computer: Name: Paul Jargon. Military rank: None. Race: French. Age: 25. Sex: Male. CROW: Wait, he's not a cool teenager. He's out. >Abilities: Hand-to-hand combat. Current location: New United Soviet Republic. >Misato: Why is he there when he was French? MIKE: Because he wasn't Sweedish yet. SERVO: Oh, I see...huh? >Computer: In the year 2008, under new democratic government, France was invited to >take residence in New United Soviet Republic. CROW: The whole country? SERVO: Well, they certainly have enough room. >Misato: And the last one? >Computer: Name: Li Kwon. Military rank: Ensign, Chinese Air Force. Race: Chinese. Age: 20. >Sex: Female. Abilities: Aircraft piloting. Current location: ICS Yang, South China Sea. >Misato (thinking): Looks like we found our crew. MIKE: Oh, I see, she's trying to recast Star Trek: Voyager. CROW: Any change would be a good one. > >Maya walks in drops her laptop down at a desk and leaves. MIKE: Uh...okay. >Misato watches. SERVO[Misato]: What an odd person. > >Misato (thinking): Poor Maya. She, Hyuga and Aoba made a pretty good team back when we were >fighting the Angels. It was like those three could read each other's minds. CROW: Yeah, but a couple times they didn't do a very good job helping the Eva pilots because of a few really nasty telepathic arguments. >Now, Hyuga and Aoba are gone. I guess some people didn't survive this weird >reincarnation. Let's hope these new people can do the job just as effectively >if not more so. > MIKE: What an inspired yet heartless sentiment. >Fuyutski enters. > >Fuyutski: It's official. The United Nations is declaring this year 0 A.T.I. >Misato: A.T.I.? >Fuyutski: After Third Impact. SERVO[Fuyutski]: They're restarting the calendar just to create panic over Y2K again. >Misato: Swell. What now? >Fuyutski: SEELE is trying to make accusations about the how useless NERV is. CROW[SEELE]: You never take out the trash when mom says! MIKE[NERV]: Yes I *do*! CROW[SEELE]: Nuh-uh! MIKE[NERV]: Yuh-huh! CROW[SEELE]: Nuh-uh! > >Misato stares sideways at Fuyutski. > SERVO[Misato]: Hee hee, you're standing on the wall! >Misato: Don't they know that NERV doesn't exist any more? NERV died with the Third Impact. CROW: Wait...doesn't this mean the bad guys actually won? MIKE: Um...yeah. CROW: Cool! >Fuyutski: Well, perhaps we should let SEELE and the UN know that. > >Misato looks at Fuyutski with a questionable look. > >Ritsuko runs in. > MIKE[Ritsuko]: Oh, the horror! I just found out we're characters in a cheap Anime fanfic! SERVO[Gendo]: I had always known it would come to this... >Ritsuko: Asuka's gone! > >Misato whips her head towards Ritsuko. SERVO[Ritsuko]: Ow! > >Misato: What? > >Cut to Asuka's hospital room. Gendo is staring out an open window. The window >leads out into the bay where the Mech-EVAs are. Fuyutski and Misato run inside. > >Misato: Commander, what happened? CROW[Misato]: I know it's painfully obvious that Asuka ran away, but I need you to tell me! > >Gendo (still staring out the window): I just got here myself, Major. > >Ritsuko, Maya, and Shinji run in. SERVO: ..to a black hole and are never seen again. MIKE: In your dreams, Servo. > >Maya: What happened to Asuka? >Misato: That's what I want to know. >Gendo: Just as well. She would be of no use to us anyway. MIKE[Gendo]: Little bitch always caught me watching porn in the command room. >Misato (outraged): Commander, Asuka is a human being, not a weapon like the MechEVAs. >She just can't be shrugged off like that. SERVO[Gendo]: Yes she can. [shrug] See? >Gendo: In case you have forgotten, Major, Asuka tried to kill Shinji. Would you >rather have her here where she can accomplish her act of revenge? ALL: Yes. >Misato: You're treating her like she's less than human. >Gendo: Anyone who tries to kill another human is less than human. >Shinji: No. CROW[Shinji]: They're just sort of semi-human. > >Everyone turns to look at him. Shinji has his head facing the ground. > >Shinji: Asuka is not less than human. > MIKE: Her hate is real. But she is not. >Shinji looks up. > >Shinji: You are less than human. You think everybody is something you can use >and throw away when you find no need or use for them anymore. SERVO: Human facial tissues: Now available in a handy pocket pack. >Even when we were fighting the Angels, you didn't care about anybody. Not the >citizens of Tokyo 3, not Misato, not Asuka, not me, not even Rei. >You were and still are a heartless bastaard! > >Gendo look at him with a look none of them have ever seen before. MIKE: Gendo's face became an internet smiley. CROW and SERVO: GASP! >Before, it was just a "you stay on your side, I'll stay on mine." Look. But now, >it was a look of pure disgust. MIKE: Now, it was more of a "Come get some" look. >There was even malice in his eyes. SERVO: Don't worry, that washes right out with cold water. >Gendo turned away and continued staring at the window. > >Shinji gives him a look of defiance, which the others (except Gendo) saw and >almost took a step back. CROW: Oh, boy, Shinji's gonna go Super Sayjin. > >Shinji: Well I'm going to look for her. And to hell with you. > MIKE: But he was already there! >Shinji runs out of the hospital room. > >Misato: Shinji, wait! Maya, we have to catch him. > >Misato and Maya run after him. Ritsuko and Fuyutski turn to Gendo. > >Ritsuko: You're not going to try to stop him, aren't you? >Gendo (without turning): He'll be back. >Fuyutski: And if he doesn't? SERVO: Doesn't what? >Gendo: He'll be back. SERVO: ...'k. > >Cut to: Shinji running through the halls. He makes it to the hallway that leads from the >entrance of The Pocket to the elevator shaft. MIKE: Unfortunately a giant button was fastening the Pocket closed, and escape seemed hopeless. >He looks around and sees a ladder. He begins climbing up it. > >Shinji (thinking): Hang on, Asuka. I'm on my way. > >Cut to: Vice-Chancellor Mendoza's office. Two SEELE soldiers are escorting Asuka >inside. Asuka is wearing her plug suit. SERVO: ...which she pulled out of a plot hole on the way there. >Mendoza: Thank you, gentlemen. That will be all. > >The soldiers leave. > >Mendoza: Miss Soryuu, welcome to SEELE. CROW[Mendoza]: Would you like to browse our line of posturepedic mattresses? >Asuka: What am I doing here? >Mendoza: We were able to rescue you from your fate. >Asuka: Rescue? Fate? SERVO: Able? MIKE: From? SERVO: Pudding? MIKE: Chief? CROW: McCloud? >Mendoza: I'm surprised you didn't see it before. NERV was planning on throwing >you out into the street. MIKE: "Into"? >Asuka: What? Why? CROW: Because you make very good roadway blacktop. > >Mendoza shrugs. > >Mendoza: Asuka... Do you mind if I call you Asuka?... NERV is afraid of a pilot >such as you. Because you aren't afraid to disobey orders. You're willing to do >what's right even though Commander Ikari may not want you to. >Asuka: But... Shinji... Misato... >Mendoza: Rest assured, they will soon see the truth. MIKE[mad scientist]: Even if I have to brainwash--um...I mean... >In the mean time, let me tell you why you're really here. SEELE needs a pilot like >you to help test out our latest... creation. > >Mendoza slides a file across his desk. SERVO[Mendoza]: We call it... a "manilla folder." > >Asuka: Creation? MIKE: Is she just going to stand there and repeat choice words back to him? >Mendoza: You'll find the operating system is one that you're used to. > >Asuka opens the file. Her eyes widened. > >Asuka: How? >Mendoza: SEELE and NERV were once partners, Asuka in the HIP. CROW: Uh...the Homeless Instability Paramedics? MIKE: The Holland International Pie? SERVO: No, it's got to be Evangelion-themed. It's the Hopelessly Illicit Perdition! >Whatever files they had at the time, we also had, including the operating systems. MIKE: So it was a Steve Jobbs/Bill Gates relationship, then? > >Mendoza comes around from his desk. > >Mendoza: Asuka, SEELE are not the villains. We are simply a group trying to >express our feelings and beliefs. SERVO: ...using interperative dance. >Unfortunately, not everybody wants to hear what we have to say. >Asuka: NERV. >Mendoza: Right. You're just as smart as your profile says you are. MIKE[Mendoza]: See? Read right here... "She is just as smart as this profile says she is." > >Mendoza placed both hands on Asuka's shoulders and starts rubbing them. SERVO[Mendoza]: Ooh...you're tense. > >Mendoza: Asuka, I want to help you. SEELE wants to help you. But we can't help >you unless you want to be helped. CROW: Hot Anime Babes Annonymous. >You need a friend, Asuka. Let me. Let me be your friend." >Asuka (quietly): Friend? >Mendoza: Yes. Friend. MIKE: And everybody breaks into a Barney-style song and dance! > >Asuka closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. Mendoza keeps rubbing her >shoulders for a little bit. > CROW: Hey...he's-- MIKE: Yes, yes, Crow. Don't talk about that. >Asuka: Yes. Yes, I do. All right, I'll do it." > >Mendoza strokes Asuka's hair. > CROW: --! Mike, we have to stop this! MIKE: If you don't acnowledge it, it's not happening. So just stop. >Mendoza: Thank you, Asuka. Trust me, this will be one of the best decisions >you'll ever make. CROW: But Mendoza looks like he's about to-- > >Cut to: The ruined Geo Front. CROW: --Never mind. >Misato and Maya, gasping, pull themselves out of the elevator shaft. > >Maya: Maybe we should put an elevator in or something. MIKE: What an excellent idea. >Misato: Oh, quit complaining. When was the last time you exercised? >Maya: A few hours ago when we were running from SEELE soldiers. SERVO: It's only been a few hours since that part? Feels like months! MIKE: Yeah, it has felt like a few months since we read that first part... [All look at You.] MIKE: ...nah. >Misato: Oh. Well worry about your health later. Right now, we have to find Shinji. >Maya: Look, there he is. MIKE: That was fast. > >Maya points to the far cavern wall. Shinji is trying to climb up a pile of rocks. > CROW[Shinji]: Oh, why the hell didn't I take that rock-climbing course in gym class? >Misato: Shinji! > >Misato and Maya run up and each take hold of one of Shinji's arms. > >Shinji: Let me go. I have to find Asuka. >Maya: Shinji, we want to find her as much as you do. But we wouldn't know where to look. SERVO: Just follow the line of drooling Otakus. > >Shinji calms down. > >Shinji: Then how do we find her? > >Maya and Misato are quiet. > >Misato: Shinji, I... MIKE[Misato]: ...stole your Backstreet Boys CD the other day, and it was destroyed in the armageddon. Can you forgive me? > >Suddenly, the rubble in front of them starts to move. A giant erupts from >the ground. Except for the color, which was a dull gray, it was a remarkable >resemblance to Evangelion Unit 2. > >Shinji: Asuka? > >Cut to: the cockpit of the Unit 2 replica. Asuka sits there, eyes almost like >she was in a trance. CROW: Look! See? I bet you anything Mendoza-- MIKE: Crow, it's best not to think of such disturbing things. CROW: BUT THIS WHOLE DAMN SERIES WAS DISTURBING! MIKE: Sit. Stay. Calm down. SERVO[Mendoza]: Oh, yeah... just like that... MIKE: SERVO! Don't start! > >Cut to: Outside. The Cyber Eva makes a fist and thrusts it at Shinji, Misato, and Maya. > >Misato: Oh shit! > >Caption: To Be Continued SERVO: Well...on that note... CROW: Uh, yeah. > >Voice Cast >Shinji Ikari Mark Hammill MIKE: The next episode won't have him, though. He's working on Time Force now. SERVO: And he has to be the Joker in that new Justice League show. >Asuka Langley Soryuu Alicia Silverstone >Misato Katsuragi Elizabeth Berkley >Ritsuko Akagi Gates Mc Fadden >Maya Ibuki Sarah Brown CROW: Why even have voice credits? SERVO: At least we don't have to hear a Japanese woman singing Frank Sinatra. CROW: Good point. >Kozo Fuyutski Raymond Burns >Gendo Ikari Leonard Nimoy >Chairman Keel Harrison Ford SERVO[Indiana Jones]: Those Dead Sea Scrolls belong in a *meuseum*, damn it! >Vice-Chairman Mendoza Steve Cardenas > MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, Misato has left the building. [Mike and the 'Bots exit.] 1...2...3...4...5...6... [SOL] Mike and Crow are playing Dreamcast. The Stony television is on the counter. MIKE: So *this* is why our author took so long to write this episdoe! This game is really addicting! CROW: HAH! I'm using the ring dash to go faster than you! MIKE: Yeah, well I know the shortcut. SERVO[from offstage]: I'm telling you, Gypsy, you'd look a lot better in a plug suit! [Servo enters] SERVO: What's happening, people? CROW: Nothing. I'm just kicking Mike's ass in Sonic Adventure 2 race mode! MIKE: Yeah, well we'll see who's ass gets kicked when I use...Chaos Control! CROW: Ow! You creep! *Mads' sign* SERVO: Say, I wonder how Pearl is doing with her giant robotic army? MIKE: I'm guessing by now they've gained minds of their own, have run amok, and have become more powerful than ever before. [Castle Forrester] Exterior shot, as before. However, Pearl is a little bit ragged, and assorted sounds of all-out war can be heard close by. PEARL: MIKE! You're exactly right! Things are going crazy down here! [The Talgeese II falls onto the castle] PEARL: Hey! I just got that sided for the SECOND TIME! [to Cambot] You've gotta help me. Please! [SOL] The Dreamcast and TV have dissappeared. MIKE: Allright, Pearl, we'll help you out. [CF] PEARL: Oh, thank you, Mike! I had a feeling that you would out of the kindness of your own heart... [SOL] MIKE: ...IF...! [CF] PEARL: I KNEW IT! Alright, what's the catch? [SOL] MIKE: You have to promise that, when we get to Earth, you'll leave us the hell alone! CROW: Yeah! We don't want to go all the way back there just so you can trap us in orbit again. SERVO: We've had it up to here watching movies and reading fanfiction for thirteen years! We're sick of it! MIKE: So we'll stop your uncontrollable mechanoid terror if you agree to call of the experiment when we get home. [CF] Pearl is silent for a moment. A large bomb goes off in the distance, destroying a Megazord. PEARL: All right! You win. [mumbles] I'll calloftheexperimentwhenyougetback. [SOL] Gypsy has joined the gang on the bridge, wearing Rei's plug suit. ALL: We didn't hear you! [CF] PEARL: I'LL CALL OF THE EXPERIMENT WHEN YOU GET BACK! [SOL] ALL: HORRAY! CROW[chanting]: No more fanfics! SERVO[chanting]: No more spams! MIKE[chanting]: No more mechanoid tin cans! GYPSY: Hip! Hip! Horray! [Everyone stops celebrating to look at Gypsy.] MIKE: Uh... CROW: Lookin' good, Gypsy. SERVO: See? I *told* you! GYPSY: You sure it doesn't make me look fat in the chest? MIKE: I...think that's the intention... SERVO: Uh, Mike. The, um, war thing. On Earth. MIKE: Oh! Right...um... Hey, I know! [Mike pulls out the Nanite scope.] MIKE: Nanites! [Nanite World] NED: Yello! Long time, Nelson! [SOL] MIKE: We've got a situation on Earth! If we get Brain Guy to beam you over there, do you think you can stop those mechas? [Nanite World] NED: Oh. I see how it is. You don't even TALK to us for two years, then go and ask us to travel halfway across the quadrant and stop some big brothers of ours from destroying your planet without so much as a "Hello! How 'ya doing?" [SOL] MIKE: Well...yes? [Nanite World] NED: Okay. I'm cool with that. [turns around] Hey, guys! Mobilize the attack squads! We've got some Bigs to break! [SOL] MIKE: -whew- SERVO: Hey, Brain Guy, send the arsenal over there! [CF] Observer is now beside Pearl. OBSERVER: Certainly. [Observer sound effect. Within seconds, all the robots in camera view fall apart.] PEARL: Ooh! That was *awesome*! OBSERVER: So, once again, the day is saved. Thanks to... PEARL: Yeah, yeah, put a lid on it, White Man Group. OBSERVER: Yes, ma'am. Should I beam the nanites back now? PEARL: No...not quite yet...I have an idea... OBSERVER: Oh, no. We're not going to have one of *those* again. PEARL: Just trust me on this one. If you'll excuse me, I need to make some arrangements...Ha ha ha ha...BWA-HAHAHAHAHA! [Pearl walks toward the castle gate.] PEARL: [motioning toward the Talgeese II] Oh, and clean that up, will you? OBSERVER[huffing]: Yes, madam. [sigh] [fade to black] [Mighty Science Theater] written by: Jim Whaley "Neo Evangelion" written by: Stephen Frey featuring: Mike Nelson: Michael J. Nelson Crow: Bill Corbett Tom Servo: Kevin Murphy Gypsy: Patrick Brantseg Magic Voice: Beez McKeever also featuring: Pearl Forrester: Mary Jo Pehl Observer: Bill Corbett Professor Bobo: Kevin Murphy and: Ned the Nanite: Kevin Murphy All MST3K characters and situations are trademarks of Best Brains, Inc. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. No insults are intended to anyone refered to in this MiSTing. Any alteration or reproduction of this MiSTing without permission or credit is not appreciated. Please contact the author at the e-mail address provided below. based upon MST3K created by Joel Hodgson special thanks to: all present and former employees of Best Brains, Inc., wherever they may be Stephen Frey Japan the authors of the First Amendment and last but not least, You, the reader This MiSTing is dedicated to anyone who loves to laugh. e-mail tjats@aol.com for comments, etc. c2001 by Jim Whaley >Ritsuko: You're not going to try to stop him, aren't you? >Gendo (without turning): He'll be back. >Fuyutski: And if he doesn't? a Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 production http://wsn9.mistings.org ----------------- Read over thirty episodes of Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000 at http://members.aol.com/tjats/tjats.html 501: Wheel of Something 502: Neo Evangelion part I 503: Neo Evangelion part II 504: The Cartoons Combined: The Last Episode Most of my MiSTings can be found easily on Web Site Number Nine, located at http://wsn9.mistings.org Or go to my web site, The MSTerminal; http://members.aol.com/tjats/tjats.html http://sft1b.mistings.org ----------------- On the next episode of Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000: ***SERIES FINALE*** Mike and the 'Bots riff their last fanfic, the sequel to their first fanfic... --- >THE CARTOONS COMBINED >The Last Episode --- >"I want those heroes out of existence now!" demanded Magnet-o. CROW: There's an original battle cry. MIKE: KAAAAAAAHHHHHHHNNNNN!!! *cough* *cough* ow. --- > "I sense evil on the beach," said Professor X-Ray. CROW[Prof. X]: Quick, my X-Ray Men! Put on sunblock! The ultraviolet rays are intensifying! --- PLUS! A special short, BE ORDAINED NOW! --- >What a special way to welcome a child of God. MIKE: ...until he turns seventeen, rebels, and joins a pagan cult! --- Whatever you do, don't miss the SERIES FINALE of SCIENCE FICTION THEATER 1,000,000,000! Episode 504: "The Cartoons Combined: The Last Episode" A Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 production. For more details, visit http://sft1b.mistings.org