<< << << << << Ep.10: Netnoise Triple Feature >> >> >> >> Not much to add as far as an intro for this one. I must say that the first two parts of this trilogy put a dent in my faith in humanity - seeing as how these two scams have (apparently) raked in the bucks. As for the third part... Let's just say that the Usenet is a weird, wild place. Any and all comments/C&C/flames/death threats can be directed to mysterysciencefreezer@yahoo.com And on with the disclaimers... Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and all related characters are the property of Best Brains, Inc. "Dying Millionaire Whispers Secrets," "TOP CONFIDENTIAL OFFER," and "AND ANOTHER KB CARTOON ENDS WITHOUT ROMANCE" are all property of... Whatever spamguarded Hell spawned them, and they're welcome to it. NOTICE: This MSTing contains riffs referring to, inspired by, and/or ripped off from: The Running Man, Marvel Comics, pro wrestling, John Lennon, Foriegner, "The Devil's Advocate," Tammy Wynette, The Bloodhound Gang, and Megane 6.7. << << << << << Ep.10: Netnoise Triple Feature >> >> >> >> [Season 3 Theme Song. Sing along! You know the words!] {We open with CROW sitting in front of a small TV. Tom Servo is on top. He keeps glancing between the TV and Servo and blurting out wisecracks.} CROW: Umm... Umm... [Salaciously] Hey, baby! How much for that pie? TIME! TOM: Eight minutes, twelve seconds. Keep going! CROW: Oh... Umm... Iiiii'd buy that for a dollar! TOM: [Severely] C'mon Crow! You gotta say it like you mean it! CROW: Okay! Okay! Uhhhh... Hey, you got fries to go with that shake. TOM: You used that one ten minutes ago! CROW: Ah man! JOEL: [Appearing in the foreground] Hi, everybody. And welcome to the Sattelite of Love. My name's Joel Robinson. Behind me are my little robot companions Crow T. Robot, and on top of the TV is Tom Servo. Guys, just what's going on here? CROW: It's like this... TOM: You! Riff! I'll explain. CROW: ARGH! Time? TOM: Twenty-six minutes, ninteeen seconds. Run with it. Anyway, Crow's been reading some of the fan mail. He saw that some of our fans think that he goes to the off-color commentary way too often. Crow - of course - overreacted and decided to kill the off-color thing completely. CROW: Time! TOM: Seventen minutes, fifty-seven seconds. And - again, being Crow - decided to use aversion therapy instead of any sort of self-control to break the habit. JOEL: Aversion therapy? TOM: That's when you try to associate a certain habit with pain by performing said act thrity minutes past the point of comfort. JOEL: I know what it is. But isn't that used on sex offenders and stuff like that? TOM: Yes. And it's also proven to be pretty ineffective. Not to mention that - despite what Crow seems to think - one session won't cure what ails him. But here he is, babblin' away like an autistic Dennis Miller. CROW: [Sounding anguished] TIIIME! TOM: Twenty minutes, thirty-six seconds. Stay with it, buddy! JOEL: Uhh, Tom? TOM: What? The time thing? Hell, I stopped paying attention after fifteen minutes. I've been shouting out arbitrary numbers for at least an hour. But Crow, bless his metal heart, was too determined to finish to notice. JOEL: That's awfully mean and pointless isn't it? TOM: Sure! That's what makes it fun! JOEL: Folks, I may be a minute straightening this out. We'll be right back. {Commercial - Apple: Because you're stupid.} {We come back to Crow standing between Joel and Tom. He's got an icepack on his head.} CROW: Oh, man! Who knew breaking a bad habit would be such hard work? TOM: Ah, that would be... Everyone but you. CROW: HEY! Ow... JOEL: So, do you feel any less off-color? I mean, are the urges gone? CROW: Well, I won't really know unless I get the right source material in front of me, but I feel confident that my hentai days are over. TOM: So if I was to show you... This? CROW: I would... I would... *SIGH!* I would start the clock again... JOEL: Maybe later for that. Lenny Bruce and George Carlin are calling. [Cut to Deep 13 - and a close up on Dr. Forrester.] DR.F: Why Crow! I'm disappointed in you, throwing away a perfectly good bad habit. The world would be a much better place if more people had more vices. And speaking of vices, let's dispense with all the pleasant chit-chat and get to the invention exchange. You first. NOW! [SOL] TOM: [Offscreen] "Pleasant chit-chat?" Since when? JOEL: Well, sirs. Our invention involves taking a classic board game and giving it more of an adult feel. CROW: [Close up] Y'see, we combined Guess Who - the fun-filled, logic testing guessing game, with the gritty realism of the world of cop dramas. And we got... ALL: N.Y.P.D GUESS WHO! {Joel sits down at a table with Tom at the other end. Each has a Guess Who board set up} JOEL: Does your skel have a prior felony? TOM: Yes. < Joel flips some tiles down > Does your skel have facial scars? JOEL: No. TOM: You're skel must be Pookie! JOEL: You got it! CROW: Neat, huh? [D-13] FRANK: Say, change those slides to mutations, we could use that as the parlor game for the next mad scientist shindig! DR.F: Maybe, maybe. But as for right now, get the invention, Frank. [Turns to the camera] You know the old saying "The devil's in the details?" Well, thanks to the magic of steganography... FRANK: [Popping in] That's the art of hiding pieces of information within other media. DR. F: ...You can make that literal. We present The Microsatan Steganography kit. Y'See, Joel, all you need to do is scan in an image of some demonic object of agreement - your favorite evil parchment or goat skin scroll for instance... FRANK: Or use one of our included prefab pacts... DR. F: Then use our steganography software to hide it in some unassuming document... FRANK: For some reason it only works with Microsoft Word documents... DR. F: Print the whole thing out, have your soul donor - be it yourself or some poor patsy - sign with our special goat's blood ink, and voila! One genuine secret pact with Lucifer for anything you want. FRANK: Fame? Fortune? The painful destruction of those who've wronged you? Yours for the asking! [SOL] JOEL: Gee, sirs! That's actually pretty evil, but... TOM: But, isn't this a bit exotic for you guys? CROW: Yeah, you're into mad science, not the dark arts! [D-13] DR.F: Usually that would be true. But recently, I've decided to take a cue or two from one of the icons of the mad science biz - Victor Von Doom. He treated the black arts as just another field of study. And I don't have Reed Richards or the big orange guy to deal with! FRANK: And Dr. Doom didn't have a willing test subject like me, either. DR.F: It does make testing a bit easier when you only have to strap down your subject half the time... [SOL] TOM: Hmm... Appropriate and ironic, given that half the time, Doom's schemes were often foiled by his intense overestimation of his plan's infallibility. CROW: And his gross, ego-driven underestimation of his opponents. [D-13] DR.F: Bah! You just fear my genius and awsome power, Rich... Er... *AHEM!* You're just saying that to keep me from trying this out on you! But I'll save your souls for just the right time. For now, I think I'll soften you up with this. Tell 'em what's in store Frank! FRANK: Today, we've got a three-course meal of Net crap! First course, getting rich quick without getting actually told how appetizer! Second course - A big steaming bowl Nigerian Bank Scam soup! And topping everything off, we'll give the night a pleasant spin with a loopy little rant from rec.arts.animation. Bon appetit! DR.F: Oh, and as you come in and out of the theatre, don't be afraid to sign any... Documents you may find just lying around. Send them the posts, Frank! FRANK: Smoke 'em if you got em! [Pushes button] [SOL] ALL: WE GOT NET NOISE SIGN!!! [All scurry off] [ 1 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 6 ]...[ * ] [All take their seats] JOEL: I never understood why people hate spam so much. I mean, it's no chunk bologna... CROW: At least it's not potted meat. I mean, what IS that stuff? . "Dying Millionaire, Gasping For Final Breath Changes Mind JOEL: [Millionare] Screw 'em all! I'm leaving it all to the cat! . About Taking Biggest Money Making Secret To His Grave... TOM: He decided it'd be more fun to spout some gibberish and let 'em twist over what he actually meant. . What He Whispered Will SHOCK You!" CROW: [Whispering] *HAN* is Leia's brother! JOEL: [Whispering] Montreal was actually *BRET'S* idea! TOM: [Whispering] There are *twelve* herbs and spices! . (Hint: It's NOTHING like what you might think) CROW: This crap might actually work! Imagine . . . TOM: ...There's no spam mail. JOEL: It's easy if you try! A once strong and very powerful multi-millionaire CROW: Strong enough for a man, powerful enough for a woman! TOM: So powerful we don't even have to give you his name! It should burn itself into your mind! lies dying in a hospital bed with only a single kind nurse, Amber, by his side. CROW: Amber: Age 47. Never married. Addicted to the Lifetime Channel. Has cats. Lots of cats. JOEL: The fact that he has active leprosy and B.O. that could stun a yak might have something to do with that alone thing... At the last moment, he changes his mind about keeping his most closely guarded secret to himself. JOEL: [Millionare] Amber... I'm your father. TOM: [Same]The money's in the... Urgh...! CROW: [Same] I'm a closeted heterosexual! It was Amber's lucky day. He motions Amber to come closer. Closer still. Amber puts her ear right up to his mouth. With the last minutes of life he has left JOEL: He did something with his tongue that would spawn nightmares for years to come. he manages to whisper his secrets to her. TOM: [Amber] "Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right?" The Hell?!? But that's not the end of the story. See, Amber made him a dying promise she would use his secret responsibly and immediately. A few short weeks later, CROW: THE POWERPUFF GIRLS WERE BORN! Amber pulls up to her retirement party in a brand new Lexus Convertible as her EX-coworkers scratch their heads in complete and utter awe. TOM: [Co-worker] Isn't that the boss' car? JOEL: [Co-worker] Yep! Looks like Amber's off her meds again. CROW: [Ditto] *SIGH!* I'll call the psych ward... The secrets dropped in Amber's lap quickly made her a small fortune. What if YOU where in Amber's shoes? JOEL: Then she's got pretty big feet! Would you have listened to the dying millionaire? TOM: Yes, we should all listen to the old, DYING, *COMPLETELY ALONE* millionare... If so, where would your life be right now? CROW: I'd be dancing among the Yum-Yum trees in Candy Land! Hell, I don't know! Dear Friend, JOEL: [Author] Can I call you Friend? Buddy? Old Chum? Snookums? Have you ever wanted to make big money, TOM: Sure, we all do! maybe even become a millionaire? CROW: Ever wanted to take a 2x4 to Regis' head? I always did. As hard as I tried though, I could never figure out their secrets. JOEL: [Author] The fact that I'm intensely stupid didn't help! After all, how do YOU become a millionaire unless you can get one to share his secrets? TOM: [Quickly] Umm... Lottery! JOEL: Inheritance! CROW: Lawsuits! TOM: Hard work and smart investing? JOEL: Huh? CROW: What? That's just crazy talk! Finally, I got a millionaire to open up to me. TOM: [Author] The sight scarred my psyche forever. When I used the secrets he shared, the results were astounding. I quickly became a millionaire myself. JOEL: [Author] I never knew slave trading paid so well! Using this millionaire's strategy, I launched a new business on the Internet. BAM! Big money rolled in. CROW: BAM! Emeril sued you! TOM: BOOM! So did John Madden! JOEL: BIFF! And Adam West! Again, using this millionaire's strategy, I launched another Inter.net business. BAM! More money. In fact, incredible amounts of money were rolling in. CROW: [Author] Did I mention that I'm being paid in pesos? I make about $3.50 an hour, American. My Internet businesses now generate over 3 million dollars annually. Yes, I'm now a millionaire because of one nice millionaire who shared the simple secrets. JOEL: [Millionare] Two words - Internet porn! Now, I've decided to share the secrets with a select few people. TOM: Thousands and thousands of randomly selected select few people, but hey! You're in the loop! I don't have the space here to explain all this. CROW: [Author] Actually, I do! But I can't squeeze money out of you in an email. Just click on the link below now to get all the info. http://www.e-clk.com/e/c.cgi?j=20020914_77&e=1159820007&r= u16050&d=90&p=1 JOEL: Click and find... TOM: [Web Page] 404 Error: This account has been terminated due to violations of gulibility limits. Yours in success, Shawn Casey CROW: There is no joy in email. Mighty Casey has spammed you. P.S. I know it's hard to believe that I'm sharing these secrets. JOEL: [Casey] I can't stress enough that these are REAL SECRETS! SECRETS THAT WILL MAKE YOU MONEY! In fact, I'm really making some of the Internet "insiders" mad at me. They want to keep this info private and keep all the money for themselves. TOM: And we know how successful all those internet insiders have been. CROW: Hey, I'll have you know that the internet millionare who made my burger yesterday was _very_ competent! I'm passing these secrets on because I have been so successful personally that I'm ready to give something back. JOEL: [Casey] DID I MENTION THAT THIS IS THE SECRET TO MAKING MILLIONS!!! Click here now for the info. http://www.e-clk.com/e/c.cgi?j=20020914_77&e=1159820007&r= u16050&d=90&p=2 TOM: And also to sign up for three million offers for insurance, loans, software, and HOT LESBIAN ACTION!!! Time to boogie! DR.F: [Offscreen] Not so fast, lab rats! I don't think this little toilet log and the next are long enough to merit a break. So just settle back in like good little test subjects: J&TB: [At the same time] What? Aw, MAN! No fair! TOM: This bites, man! I complaining to my congressman! JOEL: Look at it this way - at least it'll all be over faster this way! TOM: Well, there is that! Mr. Joseph Johnson Zenith International Bank Nigeria Ltd, JOEL: Offering a free big-screen TV with every account. Lagos, Nigeria. Direct Tel: 234-803-3034960 CROW: Point 6462... Private E-mail: josephjohnson@accountant.com TOM: A Nigerian bank exec with a generic e-mail address. Nope! Not suspicious at all! ATTNENTION: PRESIDENT/C.E.O CROW: Or the 17 year-old who stumbled across this... JOEL: What's ATT-NENTION? TOM: I think it means "Act fast or AT&T will merge with it." STRICTLY A PRIVATE BUSINESS PROPOSAL JOEL: So private it ended up on Usenet. CROW: Well, sure! I mean how many people could possibly be reading those "newsgroup" thingies? Dear Sir, TOM: [Quickly] Or Madam! I am Mr. Joseph Johnson, JOEL: [Johnson] And I'm a pathalogical liar. BOTS: Hi, Steve! The Bank Manager of Zenith International Bank Nigeria Ltd, Lagos, Nigeria. TOM: [JOhnson] Note my obviously Nigerian surname! I have urgent and very confidential business proposition for you. CROW: So urgent they can't stop to add in all the prepositions. On January 6,1998, a Foreign Oil Consultant/contractor with the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation, Mr. James Herbert JOEL: Yet another native Nigerian... made a numbered time (Fixed) Deposit for twelve calendar months, valued at US$20,000,000.00 (Twenty Million United States Dollars) in my branch. TOM: It was the biggest (largest) deposit we've ever had (received)! Upon maturity, I sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month, we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers, the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation that Mr. James Herbert died from an automobile accident. CROW: [Joseph] Of course the fact that it took a month to discover our biggest customer was dead doesn't say a heck of a lot about us... On further investigation, I found out that he died without making a WILL, and all attempts to trace his next of kin was ruitless. JOEL: [Joseph] And we looked really hard! I swear! therefore made further investigation and discovered that Mr. James Herbert did not declare any next of kin or relations in all his official documents, including his Bank Deposit paperwork in my Bank. TOM: [Joseph] My *COMPLETELY LEGITIMATE NIGERIAN BANK!!!* This sum of US$20,000,000.00 has carefully been moved out of my bank to a security company for safekeeping. No one will ever come forward to claim it. CROW: So the government claims half for debts and taxes, you grab the rest. So this involves anyone else HOW? According to Nigerian Law, at the expiration of 5 (five) years, the money will revert to the ownership of the Nigerian Government if nobody applies to claim the fund. TOM: Lessee... January 1998, it's late December 2002 now... Yep. You're screwed! Sorry! Consequently, my proposal is that I will like you as a Foreigner to stand in as the owner of the money. CROW: [Joseph] Because it's "URGENT" you see. JOEL: I swear we're not playing "Head Games" with you! TOM: I've been waiting for a girl - or boy - like you! CROW: C'mon! "Say You Will!" I deposited it in a security company in two trunk boxes though the security company does not know the contents of the boxes as I tagged them to be photographic materials for export. JOEL: So you just dragged two boxes full of currency out of your bank, through your security, and just shoved them into a storage locker? CROW: I didn't know Enron had a Nigerian branch... I am writing you because I TOM: [Joseph] ...Am not a crook! Seriously! as a public servant I cannot operate a foreign account or have an account that is more than $1m. I want to present you JOEL: [Joseph] John Q. Sucker... I mean "Trusted stranger!" as the owner of the boxes in the security company so you can be able to claim them with the help of my attorney. JOEL: An associate of Dewey, Cheatam, and Howe. TOM: And just why - pray tell, Joseph - would I not only want to trust any amount of money to a bank that won't demand to see a $20 million depositor in person, but trust the whole transaction to YOUR lawyer? CROW: [Joseph] Well, um, uh... LOOK OVER THERE! _YOINK!_ All these are to make sure that the fruits of this old man's labor will not get into the hands of some corrupt government officials. TOM: They should go into the hands of corrupt banking officials, where they belong! This is simple. JOEL: [Joseph] And so are you. Hence, this message. I will like you to provide immediately your full names CROW: You and all your personalities. and address so that the attorney will prepare the necessary documents, which will put you in place as the owner of the boxes. JOEL: And on the list of possible al-Quida moneymen for every law enforcement agency on Earth. CROW: A small price to pay for "US$20,000,000.00 ( Twenty Million United States Dollars )!" The money will be shared in the ratio of 70% for me and 25% for you and 5% will take care of all expenses. TOM: [Joseph] Did I mention the entire 5% is coming out your pocket? Well it is! There is no risk at all as all the paperwork for this transaction will be done by the Attorney JOEL: [Joseph] Pay no attention to the fact that he looks like Al Pacino... and this will guarantee the successful execution of this transaction. If you are interested, please reply immediately via my private email: josephjohnson@accountant.com and my telephone number Phone Tel: 234-803-3034960. CROW: [Joseph] Please ignore the fact that this number leads to a Pakistani bordello. Upon your response, I shall then provide you with more details and relevant documents that will help you understand the transaction. TOM: [Joseph] Step one - Send me money. Step two - I run away laughing. Please observe with utmost confidentiality, and be rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of us because I shall require your assistance to invest my share in your country. JOEL: Yes, please help in committing embezzelment and grand larceny! The world needs more white collar crime! Awaiting your urgent reply via my private email to indicate your interest. CROW: [Joseph] That whole phone thing? Forget it. Never happened. Figment of your imagination. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. LOOK JUST MOVE ON! THIS IS NOT A SCAM!!! Thanks and Best Regards. MR. JOSEPH JOHNSON, DIRECT Tel: 234-803-3034960 TOM: Just in case you forgot the fake number the first time. Let's split, guys! DR.F [Voice only] Wrong again, Gumball! Stay put! CROW: Aw, come ON!!! JOEL: This is so unfair! DR.F: And what do we say to that, boys and girls? ALL: [Downcast] What do you want? I'm EVIL! TOM: [Muttering] Vengance shall be mine! Oh yes! There will be a reckoning! From: WEBLUCKY@webtv.net (.................. ..................) CROW: Remember that's "dot-dot-dot *AT* dot-dot-dot *DOT* dot-dot-dot" Subject: AND ANOTHER KB CARTOON ENDS WITHOUT ROMANCE JOEL: What's a KB Cartoon? TOM: Klink Brothers? CROW: [Col. Klink] How would you like to spend your Saturday mornings on the Russian Front! Content-Disposition: Inline CROW: Anne Robinson-Disposition: Bitch Newsgroups: rec.arts.animation I dont know about you but TOM: [Weblucky] I really like pie! i was sad to see that alot of kids wb cartoons ended without a romance between the main charaters,including freakazoid,and pinky and the brain, JOEL: So that's why those shows got canceled! Lack of sexual tension! I taking a vote on how many people out there think the brain should of got a romance with a female mouse one that would love BRAIN and stand by brain no matter what. TOM: o/~ Stand by your mouse! Those he is small and freakish! o/~ and also how many of you out there think that warner bros. should of made a episode on brain getting his 1st kiss by a female mouse before the series ended. CROW: Okay, I'll bite. All those in favor of seeing Brain with a girlfriend say "Aye!" TOM: All those wondering what kind of weirdo thinks seriously about that sort of thing. ALL: AYE!!! Im sorry if this may sound weird and strange to you but JOEL: [Weblucky] The Dog said it sounded okay to him! I really wanted to see the BRAIN GET KISS BY A FEMALE MOUSE FOR THE 1ST TIME AND I WANT TO SEE A ROMANCE BETWEEN BRAIN AND A FEMALE MOUSE LAST THROUGH OUT THE WB CARTOON, TOM: MOOD SWING! DUCK!!! CROW: [Rising] I think we spotted when his meds wore off! call me a hopeless cartoon romantic JOEL: Or at least leave off the "cartoon romantic" but isn't this part ofthe reason why some kids,teenagers,and adult watch am i right,let me prove that this kinda stuff gets peoples attention including adults, TOM: Whoa! Take it down an notch, Lucky! JOEL: Tonight on Dateline - Netkooks on speed! if you watched the pinky and the brain episode to russia with lab mice you know exactly what I mean, CROW: I saw it and I still don't. i know this may sound hard to believe but when that episode air I had some of my friends over for a celabration breakfest in honour of their hard work that they did for me TOM: ...The absolute destruction of grammar on the net! and everyone at the time was watching tv and as soon as the part came up when brain and anne mousey were sitting on the couch real close to each other, CROW: [breathy voice] It made me feel all funny! TOM: o/~ You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals! So let's do it like they do it on the Disney Channel! o/~ looking like the brain was about to get kissed for the very frist time in his life by a female mouse, JOEL: They were going to do it Bill Frist style? CROW: KINKY! all of a sudden 17 PEOPLE INCLUDING MY DAD AND 2 OF MY FRIENDS DADS AND MOMS, TOM: Your friend has more than one mother and father? me and my friends stoped what we wre doing and all of us stared at the tv just waiting for brain to get kissed, CROW: You and your friends are some weird mammajammas! it came close but still no kiss, at that moment everyone got disappoined because brain didn't get kiss, there was 7 people out of the bunch at my house that all said in there own way man I was really looking forward to brain getting kiss by that female mouse anne mousey WARNER BROS. JOEL: [Weblucky] Especially Goxor the Luzmanian embassador. TOM: Is it possible to transcribe a fever dream? CROW: After today, I'd have to say yes. SHOULD OF LET THE BRAIN GET KISSED BY THAT FEMALE MOUSE ANNE MOUSEY,this complaining over brain not getting kissed last for 1 hour and 37 mintues, TOM: [Weblucky] We were *REALLY* flying that day! can you believe that, ALL: NO! this sensation and desire of seeing the brain get kissed for the frist time really got to people do you see my point. JOEL: You lost me around "i was sad when." THESE ROMANCES IN CARTOONS MEAN A LOT TO ALOT OF PEOPLE, CROW: [Weblucky] The voices won't leave me alone until they kiss, darn it all! after all if people look for a romance to start between the 2 charaters in disney movies and regular movies what makes you think that people wont look for it in other cartoons or KIDS WB! CARTOONS like pinky and the brain and many others. TOM: Because it's *PINKY AND THE FREAKING BRAIN!* That's why! And dont try to tell me that you didn't cry when you saw that QUASIMODO GOT HIS HEART BROKEN BY ESMERALDA, AFTER YOU WANTED AND WAS HOPPING THAT QUASIMODO GOT THE GIRL. CROW: Okay. I won't. JOEL: Wasn't really "hopping" to do anything, either. TOM: Considering the original story, Quasi made out like a bandit. IN THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRA DOME, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT PART OF THE MOVIE RAISED AN ISSUE AMONG MANY PEOPLE. ALL: No! ANYWAY IM JUST saying that people care about seeing the 2 get together or get kissed in cartoon as much as liking the cartoons in it's self. TOM: Alright, Lucky! Just who the hell are these "people" you keep talking about? JOEL: And the voices in your head don't count. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO SOME KIDS WB! CARTOONS MAIN CHARATERS THE BETTER OFF WITHOUT LOVE AND ROMANCE OR GETTING KISSED. TOM: I thought his point was "All toons need love?" CROW: You're looking for logic here?!? LIKE ANIMANICS YAKKO,WAKKO,AND DOT DONT NEED A LOVE A ROMANCE OR A KISS BECAUSE THEY LOVE AND KISS EVERY BODY, JOEL: Well, that's a bit... AND LIKE ROAD ROVERS HUNTER DIDN'T NEED A LOVE A ROMANCE OR A KISS HE WAS FINE ON HIS OWN, CROW: Okay, but... I JUST LOVE THE WAY WARNER BROS. TOM: Could you at least calm down a... AND TOM RUGGER ENDED WARNER BROS. ROAD ROVERS THE WAY THEY DID WHEN COLLEN FOR THE FRIST TIME ASK HUNTER IF HE WANTED TO TAKE A WALK IN THE MOON LIGHT WITH HER, CROW: But I don't... AND JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT A KISS WAS IN STORE FOR HUNTER,HUNTER TRANSFORMED HIMSELF INTO HIS DOG FORM SO COLLEN JOEL: Could you just... WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DO WHAT SHE HAD PLANED FOR HUNTER, TOM: But what the... YOU COULD TELL SHE WANTED TO KISS HUNTER WHEN SHE LOOK AT THE SCREEN AND SAID THIS IS NOT EXACTLY WHAT I HAD IN MIND. CROW: STOP YELLING, ALREADY!!! AS FOR ME HUNTER NOT GETTING KISSED WAS EXACTLY WHAT I HAD IN MIND. GOOD FOR WARNER BROS. JOEL: Uh... Yeah. Good for them. PRODUCERS AND WRITTERS,AND ARRANGERS ON THAT CARTOON SERIES AT LEAST ALTHOUGH IT LASTED 1 SEASON AIRING ONLY 13 EPISODES CROW: [Mumbling] Damn you, Jaime Kellner... I THINK WARNER BROS.ENDED WARNER BROS.ROAD ROVERS REALLY GOOD. NO LOVE NO ROMANCE NO KISS GREAT JOB! JOEL: Wasn't the point of this that he wanted more romance in cartoons? TOM: I think he just wanted to see Brain get it on. CROW: That's... Just so _wrong_! WARNER BROS.ANIMATION. YOU SEE HUNTER DIDN'T NEED NO ONE BECAUSE HUNTER WAS A STRONG MAN THAT COULD LIVE HIS LIFE TILL THE DAY HE DIES WITHOUT LOVE,ROMANCE OR GETTING A KISS FROM A FEMALE DOG. CROW: Hunter's also a blockhead who probably wouldn't think of what he was missing. TOM: Well... He is a dog so I can see the not missing the kissing. But then... JOEL: Let's just leave it at that. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO BRAIN AND FREAKAZOID THEY NEED A LOVE A ROMANCE AND A KISS. JOEL: Didn't Freakazoid have a girlfriend? KJA CROW: "KJA?" JOEL: TOGG?? CROW: TIM-MAH!! TOM: You see folks? This is what happens when cartoons, mind-altering drugs and the internet mix. JOEL: If you must, choose one or two, but never all three. [Pause] CROW: So... Can we leave now? TOM: Wait for it... [Pause] CROW: Tom? TOM: Just a second... [Pause] JOEL: Now? TOM: Now! RUN FOR IT!!! {All scurry off} [ 6 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 1 ]...[ * ] {Back to the standard shot of Joel and The Bots} TOM: All things considered, that could've been worse! CROW: Yeah, three of those things back to back to back! It's like The Mads are trying to break our wills or something. [TOM and Joel pause and stare at Servo] CROW: What? JOEL: Anyway, now that the experiment is over with, now's as good a time as any to read some letters! We've got this one from... TOM: Hold off on that, Joel! We've got something on the Hexfield View Screen! {The Hexfield opens up to reveal a horned, light red woman, resembling Pearl Forrester. She appears to be wearing a telephone headset.} DEVIL LADY [Monotone]: Hello? Am I speaking to the man or woman of the house? JOEL: Umm... I suppose? DEVIL LADY: Great! I'm calling from Conhugeco Distribution, a divison of Megalocorp. And I'm calling to offer you one of our huge number of offers from out giant array of products. CROW: Oh, joy! Satan's telemarketer! DEVIL LADY: Today's special offer is a 20-year subscripiton to Cat Fancy for only $500, plus shipping and handling. TOM: But we don't have a cat! DEVIL LADY: Then how about our long-term health and dental insurance package? CROW: Umm... I don't have teeth and Joel takes care of all our health needs. JOEL: And Dr. Forrester makes sure I'm in tip top shape so he can eliminate health as a factor in his failed experiments. DEVIL LADY: Need a credit card? TOM: Nope. We're set on that end. DEVIL LADY: Then I'm sure you'll want our collection of premium steak knives. CROW: No, we don't! Look we're hanging up now! {Hexfield won't close} TOM: Umm.. Joel! Do something! DEVIL LADY: [Speaking normally] It won't help, dear. It says in your contract that you can't break the connection until I've given you the full array of product choices! JOEL: Huh? What "contract" DEVIL LADY: This one! It seems one of your little rumble robots there sent in a magazine subscription card that had one of our telemarketing contracts steganographed onto it. [JOEL turns towards the bots] CROW: It wasn't me this time! TOM: But... But it was Entertainment Weekly! For only $9.99! JOEL: Wait a minute! "Steganograpy?" You mean... DEVIL LADY: Hey, don't look so surprized! You think Forrester came up with that little innovation without some "inspiration?" As far as we're concerned, he's our number one beta tester! JOEL: *SIGH!* Alright, Ms. Telemarketer from Hell. Just how many items do you have for us? DEVIL LADY: One million! ALL: ONE MILLION?!? DEVIL LADY: We are Hell's marketing wing after all! Now just settle in and we'll take these suckers in alphabetical order! Now, first up - a years supply of Abalone! JOEL: Oh, man! It looks like we're going to be busy for... Ever, actually! You may want to scratch us off your list for a while, sirs. [D-13] DR. F: Normally, that might anger me, Joel. But right now, we've got more important fish to fry. [Pan over to TV's Frank, who's wrestling with Pitch the Demon] FRANK: Get OFF me, you hooved freak! PITCH: Look, you signed the contract! It's not my fault you didn't read the fine print! FRANK: What fine print! You used steganography to hide the whole thing! PITCH: Hey, when the pizza delivery guy made you sign for the pizza made you sign for a medium cheese with crazy bread, and you DIDN'T get suspicious, you deserve whatever you get! NOW MAKE WITH THE SOUL!! FRANK: NEVER! DR.F: Hang on, Frank! Just let me get the exorcism kit out of storage! *SIGH!* Why do I suddenly feel like Wile. E. Coyote and I'm surrounded by winged dynamite? {Pushes Button} \ | / \ | / \ | / << FWOOOSH >> / | \ / | \ / | \ Mystery Science Freezer [http://www.geocities.com/mysterysciencefreezer] Ep. 1: WWF Smackdown recap Ep. 2: Scooby Did [Lemon] Ep. 3: Voyager: S-Space, part 1 Ep. 4: Voyager: Stealth Wedgie Ep. 5: Violence Aimed Even At Preschoolers Ep. 6: Brightheart The Cub Sitter [Lemon] Ep. 7: Sweet Beginnings [Lime] Ep. 8: Life's Surprises Ep. 9: School Girls [Lemon] Ep.10: Netnoise Triple Feature Mystery UGoS Theater (Wrestle-centric with saltier language) [http://dccmm.com/dccmm/wilfmst3k.html] Ep. 1: Judgment Day 2000 Rant by Scott Keith Ep. 3: Chris Hyatte's "And Another Thing" 9.25.2000 (Collaboration with Maple Leaf Mickey and The Big Fred Machine) Ep. 4: Danielle Fishel & Lacey Chabert At Smackdown! Group MSTing: (Available on WS9 {http://www.masemware.com/mst3k/}) Love Bites - (Edited by Rebo Valence, written with half the free world) {Will Joel and the Bots submit and sign up for $50,000 in life insurance? Can Frank wrestle his soul back from Satan's minion? Will the steganography gag make a return trip? Find out on the next episode of Mystery Science Freezer!} [[AND I WANT TO SEE A ROMANCE BETWEEN BRAIN AND A FEMALE MOUSE LAST THROUGH OUT THE WB CARTOON]] ===== ____ My name is: _ / ___| | | | |__ _ __ ___ ___ ____ ___ _ __ | | | __|| '__/ _ \/ _ \/_ // _ \| '__|| | | | | | __/ __/ / /| __/| | |_| |_| |_| \___|\___||___|\___||_| (_) And my anti-drug is porn.