FINAL FANTASY VII, Chapter Two: A Night at the Gold Saucer WRITTEN BY: Q Earth MSTIED BY: Jamie Jeans a.k.a. JOLT!!! CO-MSTIED BY: John Felix JAMIE: And back to the goofiness that is this series! I am really glad that JFelix invited me in to riff this lemon series, because I am having the time of my life with this! It's just so plain goofy and funny one can't help but laugh at it! That and the fact that it's always great to toss Alexander to the wolves... or in this case, Precious. ^_^ JOHN: It took me awhile to finally get this out, but Jamie's been very good with the process. Which means he was chained to the radiator as I sat around and watched movies, drank cola, then pranced around to ABBA records. ...Okay, the last part wasn't real, but the rest was Anyways, Enjoy part, We're sure the next few parts will come around faster! LEGAL STUFF: Alexander Misamoto belongs to Jamie Jeans and cannot be used without permission. Precious, Dio, and Azure belong to John Felix and cannot be used without permission. The concept of Mystery Science Theater 3000 belongs to Best Brains Inc. The fanfic series "Materia" belongs to Q Earth, who gave us the OK to riff it. Thank you! We are only borrowing the fic and the MST concept and making no claim to it. And now... on to the show! _______________________________________________________________________ Azure sat on the edge of the stage, dressed in a casual set of clothes: jeans, sneakers, and a T-shirt. He held his guitar in his hands and thrummed the strings with a swipe of a guitar pick. He listened to the reverberating sounds and then reached up to adjust the strings on the head of the guitar and repeated the movement again. After a few minutes, he strummed a few notes and smiled as he listened to the echoing sounds. "There we go... tuned to perfection." He then strummed a few more times, then proceeded to smash the guitar on the floor repeatedly until it broke into large chunks. After the psychotic episode, Azure walked offstage and grabbed a new guitar from the closet, and proceeded to tune it. "And about time... you've been working on that since before I left," Dio said as he walked in the door, carrying a large paper bag in one hand, the smell of cooked rice and chicken wafting from it and filling the air. "Hey, you know me, can't have anything unless it's perfect," he replied, setting the guitar aside and embracing Dio, kissing him deeply and then working his way down his throat, nibbling at the soft skin. "Happy to see me, or are you in it for the steamed vegetables?" Dio sighed, his eyes closed. After a few seconds, he opened them and looked around. "Say, where is our young guest? It's awfully quiet..." Azure smirked and nodded towards the dressing rooms beside the recording equipment. "Well since Alexander is effectively Precious' prisoner, Precious decided that he needed a little touching up..." "Touching up..." Dio threw a glance at the dressing room door. "My, My we're looking pretty!" Precious shrieked in utter delight, his creation was nearly complete. Sitting in front of him, bound by handcuffs, with tape over his mouth was Alexander, decorated in elaborate makeup and fantastic leather clothing. "And now for the final touches..." Precious said, as he rummaged through his purse, then pulling out a tube of blood red lipstick. Alexander's eyes widened as Precious approached him with the makeup. "Really now, you've been doing that EVERY time I've come near you, I'm not going to harm you..." Precious trailed off as he uncapped the tube, "...unless you struggle! Then I might have to put something else to your lips!" At this point, Alexander looked like his eyes were going to pop out of their sockets. "Just kidding, dearie! Now if you promise not to scream, and take this like a man, I will remove the tape. Are we in agreement?" Alexander nodded his head, and the tape was removed. Precious proceeded to apply the lipstick and after a minute of painstaking application, he stopped. "Oh, you're wonderful! You look just like a whore in training!" "...I'm not a whore, darn it," Alexander muttered. "Of course you're a whore," Precious said. "It says so on the shirt I gave you!" Alex looked down and there it stated in big purple 70's psychedelic funk font lettering- WHORE. Seconds afterwards, Dio and Azure managed to knock the door down. "Thank god you're here! This madman... mad woman... This INSANE PERSON--" Alexander went silent as he heard the obvious sounds of a camera clicking in the background. He cringed at Dio, who was holding the portable camera. Dio pointed over to Azure. Azure was holding the video camera. Dio and Azure waved to Alexander. Alexander nearly cried. Precious waved to the camera. "I'm done!" Precious chimed, "Now lets get back and finish what we started!" Dio grabbed the chair-on-wheels that Alexander was chained to and rolled it over to the couch. >FINAL FANTASY VII >Chapter Two: A Night at the Gold Saucer Alexander: I've never been so humiliated... Dio: Oh, you're fine. And you're very pretty, see? (Dio holds up a mirror for Alexander) Alexander: ...I hate to admit it, but... >* * * > >Cloud finally finished relating the story to all the others in the >lobby of the Ghost Square hotel. Alexander: Meanwhile, Barret's gone off on a suicide mission to take out Shinra, Yuffie's made off with everyone's materia, and Tifa and Aeris are cat fighting over Cloud... Dio: It's like a Scooby Doo episode! ...minus the hardcore psychedelics. >After waking up Cid, they proceeded upstairs to their >rooms. As was usually the case, there were few customers here, Precious: The fact that the food served here was comparable to the stuff from a Jack in the Box didn't really help to draw in the business. >so each member >of the party received a separate room for the night. Cloud was looking >out the window someone entered his room. In his foolishness he must >have left the door open. The bright green-eyed flower girl entered his >room. Azure: *GASP* It's Kamijo and his laser eyes! Noooooo!!! Dio: Absolutely NO ONE is going to get that joke, and he has BLUE eyes. (Dio hits Azure) >He hadn't treated her too badly, though he made no special effort to >impress her either. Precious: So Cloud's Golden Saucer date will be Barret?! Eek. >Though they were strangers at first, they had come to know each >other fairly well. Alexander: She was carrying his child and he was wearing her underwear. Quite a change from when they first meet. >Aeris now forced Cloud out on a date. Cloud was rather ignorant. >The main thought on his mind was chasing after Sephiroth. Nothing >else mattered much to him. Alexander: Whoa, I never knew Cloud swung that way! Precious: Are you kidding? He was a total slut! Why do you think his hair was always a mess, and he was confused? Dio: Horrid character design and characterization? Precious: No, other than that! >Even as Aeris talked to him during the Round Square's free tour of >the Gold Saucer, Cloud could think only of following Sephiroth. He >failed to take notice as Aeris tried to understand him. Azure: She tried to understand him with a butcher knife. You know, that deep-boned trashing bloody kind of understanding... The OJ Simpson kind of understanding. >He didn't understand, though. >He didn't really care either. >He didn't even look when Aeris began unbuttoning her dress for him. Alexander: (Aeris) I got this new sports bra, wanna see? Precious: Actually, that's a leather corset. I have one, you wanna see? Alexander: Umm... no thanks... >"I want to meet the real you," she said, removing her bra and >revealing her full and splendid breasts. He paid no attention to her >at all. He stared out from the vehicle, focusing only on the mission >and Sephiroth. Aeris' failed attempt to seduce Cloud had her feeling >quite upset. Azure: (Aeris) *Screams* Damnit Cloud, pay attention! I want to meet your crotch-puppet! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?! >She quickly put her pink >dress back on as the ride ended. She and Cloud caught sight of Cait >Sith. This had to do with Cloud's sacred quest. Suddenly Cloud was >quite aware of everything. Aeris was unhappy. She had worked so hard >to charm Cloud, and Cait Sith was now the object of his attention. >How humiliating. Dio: I think at that point, it's time for you to stop the dick scavenger hunt. Alexander: ...if he's paying more attention to the stuffed moogle and cat, I think it's time to run as far away as possible. >Aeris felt rather >jealous as Cloud talked endlessly with Cait Sith, for he had >snubbed her completely. > >After listening to the rather annoying conversation between the >ignorant man and his favorite stuffed toy, the rejected Aeris >returned slowly to the Ghost Square hotel. Precious: (Aeris) *Sigh* Vincent, I could understand... But a stuffed moogle?! This calls for alcohol. >Cloud rushed ahead of her back to his room. As she stomped in anger >up the stairs, she saw a door open. At the top of the stairs, she >saw someone come step out from the open doorway. Aeris could easily >identify her. In her light white pajamas, her extremely healthy chest >literally stuck out. Dio: -hitting Aeris on the head and sending her flying back down the stairs! Alexander: Can I be the doctor who examined her chest for infection and disease? >"Hi, Tifa," said Aeris, >shyly. Aeris was embarrassed to be seen alone at this time of night. > >She didn't want to tell Tifa about her failed date with Cloud. > >"Aeris, what are you doing?" asked Tifa. Precious: (Aeris) Doing what anyone does when they talk to you: stare at your chest. Azure: (Aeris) Removing my pants! This is a lemon for crissakes, no need for exposition! >As Tifa talked, her large breasts bounced up and down a little. Aeris >saw this and liked it. Alexander: (Aeris) It's like a lava lamp! >"Oh, I'm just going back to my room. That's all," said Aeris quietly. >"You seemed angry walking up here. Do you want to talk about it?" >asked the compassionate Tifa. Dio: "Sure," replied the now horny lesbian Aeris. Precious: (Aeris) Sure, Lot's of... talking. We'll be up all night... talking. You know I can't get enough of... talking. >Aeris had planned on going back to sleep, but seeing Tifa's >bouncing breasts invigorated her. Alexander: So bouncing breasts have the same affect as a bottle of Gatorade or Jolt? Dio: Maybe lesbianism is like going through a long drought in the desert. >She couldn't help herself as her underskirt >became wet. "Sure, I'd love to talk," said Aeris. "Come on in," said >Tifa. Aeris gladly obeyed. > >She cleverly hid her current emotional state from Tifa. Azure: I didn't know 'hot' and 'wet' could be described as an emotional state. >"Here," said Tifa. >"Sit here, next to me." Aeris sat on the bed next to Tifa, her >underskirt still wet. Though the two had not met long ago, Aeris and >Tifa were already very good friends. Aeris spoke timidly. "Tifa..." >"Yes?" Tifa genuinely wanted to help Aeris. >Aeris calmed down and told Tifa the truth. "I took Cloud on a date >tonight." Alexander: Aeris had only a glimpse of steel before the knife was embedded in her chest... Precious: (Tifa) DIE DIE DIE DIE DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE! MWAHHAHAHAAH! >Tifa >was clearly disappointed. She had feelings for Cloud. Everyone but >Cloud himself could see that. "Oh..." Aeris quickly clarified the >outcome. > >"Nothing happened. He didn't even pay attention to me. He seemed >distracted by something else." Dio: His stuffed hump-toy, Cait Sith. Azure: Ick... I'm sure it's a platonic plushie relationship. >Tifa was secretly thrilled by this. She thought Aeris was talking >about her. Tifa lied in kindness. "Oh, I'm sorry." Aeris was overcome >with grief over Cloud. "It doesn't matter. He's not even worth it >anymore. Alexander: Just because he stabs you in the forehead once or twice with his hair does not mean he doesn't like you, Aeris. >There's no getting through >to him. I think it because..." Tifa anticipated the rest. "Yes?" Aeris >needed a plausible excuse. "I think I'm coming between you two." Tifa >knew it. Cloud wanted her, the way she wanted him. Alexander: -in a bed of chocolate sauce with sprinkles and a bag of marshmallows. Dio: ...and those little cherries that come in a jar of juice >She was very happy at the news. She was so glad that she became >excited. Her breasts, unrestricted by her tight daytime wear, expanded >beyond their usual size. Alexander: The Absent Minded Professor's expansion of flubber into plastic surgery had horrible consequences! Precious: What, did she have Dan Ackroyd as her cosmetologist?! >Tifa folded her arms across her chest to hide them, but it was too >late. Aeris had seen Tifa's breasts grow, and she too became excited. >Aeris concluded her thoughts. Azure: (Tifa) That's right, I needed a jug of milk and a can of tuna at the grocery store! >"Even though I won't ever make it with Cloud, I still want to be a >part of both of you. The three of us have something special." Aeris >wet her underwear again as she stared longingly at Tifa's chest. Alexander: (Aeris) Can I borrow one of those? The pillows on my bed are too flat. >Tifa was puzzled. "What do you mean, Aeris?" Aeris began >thinking unusual thoughts. "Cloud isn't worth it, Tifa. You can do >better. We can both do better." She remembered how well the two >knew each other. Dio: They knew their compatibility rate was close to zip, but that wouldn't stand in their way of forbidden passion! Precious: Their passion for vertical sandwich. Alexander: Oh ick! >"Find someone who understands you." Aeris began breathing heavily. >Tifa saw how excited Aeris was. "Who could be better then Cloud?" came >the open question. Aeris repeated the idea. "Who?" She began breathing >quicker and more nervously. "Who?" she asked again. Azure: Cripes, Aeris, an owl, or is this just a sly reference to Dr. Seuss?! >Tifa could see the >excitement intensifying in Aeris. "Aeris..." They stared into each >other's eyes for a few seconds. Tifa saw a gleaming light in the >bright green eyes of Aeris. Alexander: (Aeris) SLEEEEEEEEEEEP! Dio: (Tifa) How am I supposed to sleep with you screaming like that? >Tifa's brown eyes suggested to Aeris a longing that could be satisfied >in only one way. Alexander: Hagan Das, and LOTS of it! Dio: Don't forget the Midol. >Aeris could no longer hold it. Dio: Her chest exploded, sending her entrails flying into the air like party streamers! >She grabbed the neckline of Tifa's shirt with >both hands. With one strong motion, she tore the shirt in half and >threw the parts onto the floor. Azure: Suddenly it's "The Naked Gun". >Aeris quickly ripped the bra from Tifa's beautiful bosom. Before Tifa >could say a word, Aeris forced her back down onto the surface of the >bed. Tifa felt a great pleasure as Aeris began sucking delicately on >her right breast. Aeris gently massaged her left breast with her soft >right hand. Precious: You put your right hand in, you take your right hand out, you do the hokey pokey and you shake it all about... This is pretty damn hokey. Alexander: This is a pretty intimate version of 'Twister'. Azure: Right hand Nipple! Left foot clitoris! >Tifa let out a long groan as she wet herself. She continued to >moan in joy as Aeris continued caressing her breasts, alternating >mouth and hand between the pair. > >"Oh, Aeris..." cried Tifa. "Oh... Oh... Aeris... " Dio: (Tifa) I'm laying on my keys! >Tifa could stand it no more. She flipped Aeris down on the bed and >tore her way down Aeris' pink dress. The buttons flew and hit the >walls of the hotel room. (Alexander drops to the floor, inadvertently dragging Precious on top of him.) Alexander: Ack! Get off! Azure: It *IS* your fault, you know. >Tifa tossed >the shreds of the dress on the floor. Aeris was naked, and she was >beautiful. (Precious gradually rights Alexander back up and resumes his seat on the couch.) Precious: ...if you would call a red-assed howler monkey "beautiful". >Her full breasts had finally been freed from that horribly >restraining dress. A single drop of clear liquid seeped from her >pussy. Tifa quickly swooped down and caught the drop in her tongue. Alexander: The Tifa is a predatory bird who swoops down on her prey once sighting them from on high... >She rolled her tongue around in front of Aeris, savoring the drop of >cum. Tifa lay down, her face at Aeris' vagina. Nothing could have >prepared Aeris for what came next. Tifa skillfully maneuvered her >tongue through the wall of skin into Aeris' tender pussy. Dio: What the hell is that supposed to mean? Is she a bulldozer?! >As Tifa moved her tongue in deeper and deeper, Aeris' bodily >secretions streamed into her face. Azure: (Tifa) Help! I'm drowning! All: *glub, glub, glub* >Tifa's nose was tingling. Her face was warm, wet, and sticky. Aeris >had peaked. She clutched the edges of the bed to maintain any control >she had left. "Tifa! Oh, Tifa..." Aeris' speech was quickly replaced >by howls of pure sexual ecstasy. Precious: All I ask is that she explodes. Is that too big a request? >After some time, Tifa removed her >tongue from Aeris' sweet vagina. She tore off her damp pants and >quickly advanced up the bed. She sat on Aeris' face. Aeris lashed her >agile tongue into Tifa's juicy pussy. Azure: Meow. (Dio smacks Azure in the back of the head) Dio: I hate that overused so-called joke. >She swirled her tongue around in >circle while advancing up Tifa's vagina. Tifa climaxed, releasing a >great stream of fluid into Aeris' face. (Alexander pops open an umbrella, Dio then takes the umbrella and starts hitting Alexander with it.) Dio: AND I *SMACK* hate *THWAP* this *FWAP* overused visual gag! *CRASH* Alexander: ...medic! >Tifa could only press her pussy down harder against Aeris' mouth to >control herself. She let out a series of loud, joyful groans as Aeris >continued to lick inside her. Tifa jumped up and threw her legs toward >the bottome of the bed. Precious: Limb Tossing! Coming soon to ESPN! Azure: It's EXXXXXXTTTTREEEEMEEEEEEEE! AAAAAAAAAAH! >She rested her own body against >Aeris. They wrapped their arms around each other and held on tight. >Their breasts were in direct contact. They rubbed their pussies >together. Dio: Tifa then gave Aeris a good shock on the ass when she grabbed onto it! >They could each feel the other's fluids on their skin. >Tifa darted her quick tongue into Aeris' mouth. Aeris, enjoying >the sample of her own cum, played with Tifa's tongue in her mouth. Alexander: Unfortunately they played tiddly winks and nearly choked on the plastic pieces. >The full body contact was too much to bear for the two. > >Their arms continued to squeeze tighter and tighter around each other. >Their two volcanoes erupted simultaneously and poured a translucent >lava over them. Aeris and Tifa eventually separated. Azure: The Court Battle was long and hard, leaving everyone bitter and disappointed. Precious: Who got possession over the vibrating sex toys? Azure: Joint custody. >Both were breathing heavily in sheer joy. The Ancient spoke >first. "I told you we could do better than Cloud." She licked her own >cum from Tifa's face. It was sweet and sticky like honey. Tifa smiled. > >"Yeah, who needs him?" Alexander: You know after saying that, they'll be rushing into his arms in about 30 minutes. >Tifa licked her cum from Aeris' face now. Meanwhile, she also fondled >Aeris' tender breasts with her soft hands. "I told you I was coming >between you two," remarked Aeris. > >"It doesn't matter. I love you, Aeris," said Tifa. She had never >confessed love to anyone. Precious: Not even chocolate? Sweet, sweeet chocolate? >"It's odd. I thought I was saving myself for >Cloud." Aeris was surprised. "Yeah, me too. I guess there was no point >in waiting any more, though. He just ignores both of us. At least >we'll always have each other. I love you, too, Tifa." Tifa couldn't >agree more. As she squeezed Aeris' breasts, Dio: (Tifa) Hey, these are real! Azure: (Aeris) Just because they're not the size of my head doesn't mean they're real! >she saw the sun rising over the Gold Saucer. "It's >almost daytime. You'd better get back to your room... and sorry >about the dress." Precious: (Aeris) I'll just get it dry-cleaned. It's not like I'm Monica or anything. >Aeris didn't mind. "Don't worry. It was worth it. Besides, I have >another one just like it in my room." Tifa was slightly worried. "We >don't want anyone to see us here like this." Alexander: Yeah, you might want to consider handi-wipes, or something. >Aeris agreed. "Right, >Tifa. Another time, then," concluded Aeris, licking her lips as she >got up and left the room naked. > >Tifa sighed. Aeris was not only her best friend, but her passionate >lover as well. They had fought over Cloud. How foolish they were. This >was her first time ever, and she loved it. Tifa would keep the Night >at the Gold Saucer with her forever. Alexander: Or at least until she ran into Riona Heartilly from FF8. Dio: I smell bad crossover lemon fanfic! Azure: It smells like feces, blood and latex. >* * * > >I, like many of FF7 fans out there, thought that Aeris and Tifa spent >too much time bickering over Cloud. This was the obvious solution to >that rivalry. Alexander: Lesbianism is how women solve fights? Wow, Marta and Ling Ling must fight A LOT! Precious: ...so that's why Anne Heche wound up in the hospital >Questions or comments? E-mail >sailor_terra@hotbot.com By the way, how can Cloud get Barret or Yuffie >for his date at the Gold Saucer? I would be rather humored to see >Cloud and Barret on a date (Not that there's anything wrong with >that-- Seinfeld). Azure: Of course there is! It's *BARRET*. Dio: Nobody wants to date Barret. With good reason! >Also, as a guy, I have no problem visioning lesbian >sex, yet I am not thrilled at the prospect of two guys together. >What do girls think about gay guys and lesbians? Alexander: I dunno... I'm not a girl. Precious: Not thrilled at the prospect... Bend over, and I'll help you change your mind, Mr. writer man! Azure: Feh! "Sailor Terra" is such a *GAY* name. "So, now that we're all done, what shall we do?" Precious spoke aloud in a bored voice, giving Alexander a wink. Alexander gulped nervously and began to wheel himself away from the couch as fast as he could, but only managed a few feet when Precious stopped him. Holding him still, he dropped down into Alexander's lap and wrapped his arms about his neck, leaning close to him. "You know what I think we should do?" Precious whispered into his ear. Behind them, Dio and Azure worked furiously quick as they slipped the tape of Alexander in his new outfit into an envelope and mailed it off. Alexander's only response was to shake his head. "Another wardrobe change!" And with that, Precious jumped off him and pushed him into the dressing room, leaving Azure and Dio alone. Alexander almost seemed relieved at the thought of a new wardrobe over the *other* possibilities that had come to mind. "So how do you think he'll handle it?" Azure asked. "Dunno... depends on who she tells," Dio replied. "Now... we were in the middle of our lunch if I remember correctly." ***** And at the Club Anipike, in one of the private rooms reserved for the regulars who frequented the place, Samantha Jones laughed. She rewound the tape and watched it again, laughing so hard that the beer she was drinking came up through her nose... "HAHAHAHAHA! BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHA- ...Damn, I dropped my beer." _______________________________________________________________________ >Her breasts, unrestricted by her tight daytime wear, expanded beyond >their usual size. Please send any C&C to: Jamie Jeans: jolt.caffiene@home.com John Felix: oderusu@charter.net