Not Ranma 1/2 volume 1 part 3: by Andy Wennersten MST: by Dan Nelson I was going to do about fifteen pages of this thing at once, but luckily my sanity had the final say, so I cut it down to about six. This segment isn't even that bad, but nothing really happens. Oh well. Legal: Ranma, Akane, and all other characters of Ranma 1/2 owned by whoever was creative enough (and weird enough, if you think about the plot of the anime) to think of them. Ranko by Andy, and he is welcome to her. The MSTiers are mine. I'm doing this without permission for nonprofit. Sue me at drnelson@ucdavis.edu, although I'm in college so you'll get a few beer bottles and a milk crate coffee table. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> KANI: (Enters the room to see Mad Cow and MaxiC deep in a debate) Hi guys. MAD COW: Yes, Final Fantasy has been getting more sci-fi ish. Good. I don't see how you guys can complain. If Square just kept releasing the first one over and over with different dungeons, every one would be complaining on how boring it would be. MAXIC: I was just saying that they shouldn't be called *fantasies* any more- oh, hi Kani. KANI: Don't you guys talk about anything else? MAXIC : Are you kidding? FF 8 was just released in Japan. MAD: Yeah, sorry Kani, but you'll be hearing about Final Fantasy for a long time now. KANI: Whatever. (sits in the left Laz-E-Boy) Who else will be here? Flip or Shaw? (The Flip Side enters the room and plops on the left side of the couch.) FLIPSIDE: Hi, sorry I'm late. VOICE: Your tardiness has been noted on your timecard Flip Side. FLIP: What? Screw you Voice, the fic hasn't even started yet. VOICE: Please be on time from now on. Begin Experiment. MAD:(deep voice) Let there be Fan Fic. Ranko noticed her brother's reaction. "C'mon. It wouldn't be that bad." MAD: Oh, s***! KANI: Ranko?! Oh Hell No!, it's that lemon again! MAXIC: Flip, are you alright? (Flip has suddenly turned white.) FLIP: Oh, no, I don't want to watch this. KANI: Don't worry Flip, you made it through one, you can do it again. MAXIC: Yeah, don't worry. I have my trusty remote control right here. FLIP: Well, alright, I'll try to do it again. she said while trying not to laugh. "Well, I didn't take you on this trip so you could learn about Shampoo's love life. I want us to get to know each other." FLIP: First person to make an incest joke gets my shoe a half foot up their ass. "Sure." Ranma replied and they started to exchange stories of their travels. Ranma's with Genma, and Ranko's with Yoiko. Ranma was in the middle of telling about his gymnastics match against Kodachi when the bus arrived at their destination. KANI: Who's Kodachi? MAXIC: Beats me. I haven't seen that many episodes. "You know, that's the only one of your admirers that I haven't met." Ranko said as they got off the bus. MAD: (Ranko) And then bagged. "Trust me, you don't want to." Ranma said. FLIP: (Ranma) She's a ball breaker. MAXIC: (Ranko) Just the way I like 'em. "Why not?" Ranko asked. "She couldn't be that bad." MAD: (Ranma) Well, she's fine in the sack, but she always wants to be on top. "She is." Ranma replied. "She's violent, obsessive, underhanded, homicidal..." KANI: She moonlights as a Hollywood paparazzi photographer. "The same thing has been said about me." Ranko broke in. MAXIC: Yeah, but they were joking about Kodachi. MAD: You forgot nymphomaniacle, magical, and unrealistic. "Yeah, well..." Ranma didn't want to think about the similarities between Kodachi and his sister. "The main reason you want to avoid her is that she doesn't know about the curse." FLIP: (Ranma) Damned if I know how she misses that voodoo witch that follows me every where. "You mean she thinks there really is a pigtailed girl?" Ranko asked. MAD: Well, somewhere in the world there has to be one. "Uh, huh." Ranma replied. "And to make it worse, she thinks that my girl side is in love with me, so she'll probably be pissed at you." KANI: His girl side is in love with himself? Is that a typo? MAXIC: I think he means his male self. "Oh, that's easy to fix." Ranko said. "I'll just tell her the truth." MAD: (Ranko) I'm a magical nymphomaniac bisexual bidrogynous character Andy made up to have sex with every one. FLIPSIDE: Is 'bidrogynous' even a word? MAD: Yeah, you know, opposite of androgynous, instead of having no sex having both sexes. "I've tried telling her that I turn into a girl, but she just won't listen." FLIP: Huh. She won't believe that her true love changes into a girl when wet. Funny. MAD: Caution: Contents grow breasts when wet. "Not that, moron." Ranko said. "I mean, tell her that I'm you're sister. Then she can't consider me competition." MAXIC: Considering what we've seen of Ranko's sex life, I don't think that statement is accurate. Ranma thought about it for a minute, then his eyes lit up. "Hey, we could tell Kuno the same thing to get him off my back." KANI: (Ranko) And then onto *my* back. "Exactly." Ranko replied. "Ranko, you're a genius." Ranma said. MAXIC: (Ranko) Yeah, well tell that to the Harvard entrance board bastards. "All in a days work for a love goddess like me." FLIP: Aphrodite later contracted Athena to take out Ranko for calling herself a 'love goddess'. Ranko's statement reminded Ranma of one of the things he wanted to ask her. "How did all this goddess stuff start, anyway?" MAD: (Ranko) Ol' Zeus knocked up my mom. "I'll tell you over dinner." Ranko said as they reached the hotel. "I hear that the hotel restaurant is great." After checking in and having the bellboy take their bags to their room, Ranko and Ranma got a table in the restaurant. MAXIC: I wonder what kind of *tip* the waiter is going to get. Ranma looked at the menu and his eyes bulged as he saw the prices. "Ranko, do you know how much this stuff costs?" MAD: (Ranko) Yeah, I looked at the menu. FLIP: I bet they're in a McDonalds. KANI: That reminds me, I'm hungry. Voice, you guys better have restocked the frig.(leaves for the kitchen.) "Relax, I can afford it. Order anything you want." Ranko said then directed her attention to the waitress. "Escargot, please." FLIP: Hold on. They have a French restaurant in Tokyo? Ranma wondered what Ranko ordered, then decided that it didn't matter since it wasn't his order. "Steak." he told the waitress. MAD: Does he even know what steak is? "Where are you getting the money for all this?" Ranma asked. MAXIC: Any chance it's from a respectable, well paying job she held that had no connection in any way to sex? FLIP: Considering this coming from Andy, no. "Monster hunting is pretty profitable." Ranko answered. "And me and Yoiko made a lot of money when we were in Hong Kong." "What did you do there?" Ranma asked. FLIP: (Ranko) I sold my body. "I was a prostitute." Ranko answered offhandedly. KANI: (returning from the kitchen) Nice call Flip. FLIP: I was joking! MAXIC: Hey, I pointed that out first. "You were a WHAT!?!" Ranma yelled. KANI: Stop whining Max. "Calm down." Ranko said. "I worked for an exclusive sex club. Members only. It's not like I was a street walker or anything." MAD: (Ranko) Of course, I had a pimp to bitch-slap me and supply crack, but other then that... "That's not the point!" Ranma yelled. "Damn it, Ranko. What were you thinking?" MAXIC: (Ranko) ...sex...sex...sex...sex... "It was too good an opportunity to pass up." Ranko replied calmly. "Not many of these places cater to both men and women, so when they offered me a job, I said I would take it. Provided they hired Yoiko too, that is." MAD: They were the most popular girl-girl/guy combo ever. "My God." Ranma said. "Ryoga's gonna kill you when he finds out you made his sister a prostitute." MAXIC: Either that, or ask for a ten percent cut. "I didn't." Ranko said. "She got a job as a bouncer so she could keep me safe. Now, could we change the subject. People are starting to stare." KANI: Honey, look at the nympho over there. Ranma looked up to see that there were a lot of people looking at them. "Sorry." he said. FLIP: (Ranma) I never meant to clear cut the last remaining spotted owl habitat. A few minutes later the waitress returned with their orders. Ranma's mouth watered when he saw his steak. Then he saw Ranko's order. MAXIC: (Waiter) I'm sorry, but the kitchen ran out of hot beefcake buns. Would you like a side of steamy good lovin'? Ranko noticed her brother looking at her plate with a funny look on his face. "Want some?" she asked. "Ranko, are those snails?" Ranko asked. FLIP: The Society for Humane Treatment for Slimy Garden Animals later sued Ranko. "Yes." she answered. "And you're actually going to eat those?" he asked. MAD: Actually, escargot is rather good, but it's usually served as an appetizer. KANI: Mad, shut up. "Urd fed me a lot weirder stuff when I lived with her." Ranko answered and started eating. MAXIC: I wonder if Urd is male... FLIP: Max, I'm warning you, one more like that... "Why do you want to be a goddess, anyway?" Ranma asked, directing his attention to his own meal instead of hers. "Mainly because I want to get cured." Ranko replied. KANI: (Ranko) I've had these stupid crabs since that guy back in '92. "Changing into a guy doesn't seem to bother you that much." Ranma said. "It didn't bother me at all when I first got cursed. I figured that it was a way to get more women who wouldn't sleep with me otherwise." Ranko's face became grim. "Of course all that changed a month later." "What happened?" Ranma asked. "Nothing happened." Ranko replied. "Huh?" "I missed my period." Ranko said. "Haven't had one since." MAXIC: Maybe she can steal one from the end of the sentence. FLIP and KANI: SHUT UP MAX! "That's a bad thing?" From what Ranma remembered from his health class, he figured that menstruation was a pain in the ass. Thankfully that was one part of female biology that he didn't possess. MAD: As opposed to his breasts, which he was rather fond of. "Yes it's bad, you insensitive bastard." Ranko said, her voice quivering. "If I don't have a period, I can't have kids." KANI: Yikes. Having that nympho as a mom? No thanks. "Oh." Ranma could tell that having children was very important to Ranko. MAD: Can I do an incest joke here? FLIP: Go ahead and try. You'll find out if the light in the refrigerator does turn off if the door is closed. "Anyway," Ranko perked up a bit. "While looking for a cure, I ended up at Keiichi's place." "Who's Keiichi?" Ranma asked. "Oh, sorry." Ranko forgot that Ranma didn't know very much about her past. "Keiichi is Belldandy's boyfriend. Urd and Skuld live with them. Anyway, I get blasted with some weird spell that changes my body so I can use magic. Next thing I know I'm on the phone with the Almighty and he's offering me a job." MAD: Uh, I think I missed something there. Did she say the "Almighty"? MAXIC: I think that's just Andy's pathetic attempt to explain why Ranko has magic and no one else does. "Wait a minute, you had a conversation with the Supreme Being?" Ranma asked. KANI: So now Andy is dragging God into this thing? FLIP: In the news tonight, an anime fan and lemon writer was struck by freak lightning. "That's what they tell me." Ranko answered. "So, one thing leads to another, and I end up being Urd's pupil." "What about the cure?" Ranma asked. "I figure that once I'm a full fledged goddess, then finding a cure should be easy." "You'll cure the rest of us too, right?" Ranma asked. "I can understand why Dad and Ryoga want to get cured, but what's so bad about being a girl?" Ranko asked. MAD: Morning sickness... MAXIC: ...hot flashes... MAD: ...PMS... MAXIC: ...menstruating... KANI: ...multiple orgasms... MAD and MAXIC: ...damn. "Hey, I'm a guy!" Ranma shouted. "Besides, Shampoo and Mousse are cursed, too." FLIP: They got dragged into this fanfic. "Really? What do they change into?" Ranko asked. MAXIC: They change into the editors from hell who trash the hard drives of anime fans who write lemons. "Well, Mousse turns into a duck and Shampoo turns into a..." He mumbled the last word. "What was that?" Ranko said, holding her hand by her ear. "I didn't hear you." "a...cat..." Ranma asked. MAXIC: Well, there's your bestiality Flip. FLIP: Shut up Max. "Well, I can see how that might affect her love life." Ranko said. MAD: Considering the amount of catgirls in anime, it probably wouldn't. After dinner Ranma and Ranko went up to their room. KANI: Hey, I think this thing's over. MAXIC: Are you sure? The white coat weirdoes may be just fooling with us. KANI: Who cares. I'm outa here. Guys, until next time. FLIPSIDE: Bye Kani. Jessica Banton relaxed as she drove down the highway. When she left, the asian girl, Flip Side, was getting her coat, and those two game geeks, Mad Cow and MaxiC were deep into a debate about some game that was starting to resemble political mudfight. "Funny Shaw hasn't been around lately." she mused, remembering she hadn't seen her fellow guinea pig since the first session. The weird thing was she could have sworn she glimpsed Shaw at the end of another hallway as she was leaving. "Doesn't matter, anyways." <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Workin' in a mineshaft... Goin' down down down... Workin' in a mineshaft... Whoops...don't wanta slip doowwn, to drnelson@ucdavis.edu "I've tried telling her that I turn into a girl, but she just won't listen."