Not Ranma ½ volume 1 part 3: By Andy Wennersten MST By Daniel Nelson Part 4: Once more into the breach dear friends. I think I have about thirty more pages to go. Luckily, no sex in this one. Sibling sex just does not sit well with me, especially when you consider Ranko has the same curse as Ranma. Oh well, let’s get this over with. Legal: All characters belong to whoever made them up. Ranko is Andy’s, and the MSTiers are mine. I’m doing this without permission for nonprofit. Please don’t sue me at drnelson@ucdavis.edu. Pretty Please? Note: I’m feeling lazy, so I think I’ll skip the intro for this one. <><><>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> KANI: (entering) Hi guys. MAD COW: (seated in left Lay-Z-Boy)Hey Kani. THE FLIP SIDE: (seated in left side of couch) Hi Kani; MAXIC: (seated on right side of couch) What’s up Kani? VOICE: Is everyone here? MAXIC: No, I think we’re waiting for someone. Oh, never mind, we’re here. (Kani sites in right Lay-Z-Boy) VOICE: Very funny. Today is the fourth part of Not Ranma One-Half. Start Experiment. FLIP: And on the eighth day, He created incest. And it was good. Or bad, He was not sure. Ranko was the first to wake the next morning. KANI: To the sound of her body being crushed in an industrial car compactor. MAXIC: Starting things off on a dark note? KANI: Yes. Have a problem with that? She was about to wake Ranma when she remembered that Nabiki had given her instructions on how to wake him up. FLIP: (reading) First, insert Pantera CD into player. Second, turn up volume... She got up and searched through the pile of clothes on the floor for Ranma's boxers. After putting them on, she searched through the backpacks for one of the muscle tee's that she and Ranma normally wear to bed. Once she put that on, she reached behind her head and untied her pigtail, letting her red hair cascade over her shoulders and down her back. She stepped into the bathroom to check her appearance. Satisfied that she looked like Nabiki said she should, Ranko returned to standing by her brother. She bent over Ranma and in her most seductive voice whispered the phrase that Nabiki had given her. "Awake, my love. Awake." MAXIC: Hey, I wonder if this is just a bad dream, and I can wake up some how? (starts chanting) wake...up...wake...up KANI: (smacks Max) Stop. Ranma's eyes snapped open. "Yeeaaaa!!!" he screamed and jumped straight up, clinging to the ceiling. MADCOW: (Ranma) Damn the Law of Gravity! "That's not the response I was expecting." Ranko said, floating up next to him. MAXIC: Floating? Oh yeah, she’s a *magical* nymphomaniacal bisexual b*tch. "S-stay away!" Ranma shouted and dropped from the ceiling, taking up a fighting stance. KANI: Yes! Ranma finally has the right idea. "Is that any way to treat your sister?" Ranko asked. FLIP: I would if that was my sister. "Sister?" Ranma said. "Ranko?" MAD: (Ranma) Night of hot passionate incestual sex I shared with my twin sister? "How many other amazingly built redhead sisters do you got?" MAXIC: (Ranma) Besides myself? "Sorry, Sis." Ranma said. "I guess I over reacted." FLIP: (Ranma) Maybe the machine gun was a little over the top. "Well, you can explain later." Ranko said. "Right now, you need a shower." KANI: (Ranko) Damn Ranma, what were you doing? Sleep-shadow boxing? As Ranma entered the bathroom, Ranko took a few minutes to lay out the clothes that they were going to wear. Then, once she heard the shower running, she striped and entered the bathroom. MAXIC: Which she had converted into a strip joint/bordello. Inside the bathroom Ranko saw the outline of Ranma's body through the shower curtain. Without a second thought she pulled the curtain back and climbed in. KANI: (Ranko) Wait, I forgot the toaster to electrocute myself and Ranma. "Ranko!" Ranma shouted. MAXIC:(Ranma) For the last time, don’t bring your dildos into the shower! "Relax, I just figured it would be quicker if we took a shower together." Ranko said. "I promise not to do anything sexual unless you ask." ALL: NO! "Well I ain't gonna ask. I'm only having sex with you because you'll die without it." Ranma replied. KANI: You get the feeling Spike Lee shoulda made 'She’s Gotta Have It' about Ranko. "Spoil sport." Ranko said as she grabbed a bar of soap and started working up a lather on her body. It took a lot of will power for Ranma to keep from getting hard as he watched Ranko wash herself in front of him, but he managed. Luckily, since she looked like his girl form, he was used to seeing her naked. "Here." Ranko said, handing Ranma the soap and turning around. "Wash my back." MAXIC: (Ranko) With this Brillo Extra-Harsh metal scrubbing pad. As Ranma washed her back, he noticed that her skin felt strange. After he rinsed her off he leaned forward to take a closer look. When he got within a few inches he saw several scars running across her back. "How did you get all of those?" he asked. MAD: (Ranko) A girl with really long, sharp nails. "The last boarding school I was in was big on corporal punishment." Ranko said. FLIP: Five bucks says she got in trouble on purpose. MAXIC: I’ll take that. I don’t think Ranko is a masochist. MAD: (soft voice) I’m a bad, bad girl... KANI: Shut up Mad. That’s kinda freaky. "They're whip marks?" "Most of them." KANI: (Ranko, crying) All right. I have bad skin. Are you happy now? "No wonder you ran away." Ranma said. FLIP: (Ranko) I told those bastards to use the riding switch, but they just insisted on the whip. "Oh, I liked that part." Ranko replied. "It was the solitary confinement that made me leave. I'm terrified of being alone." FLIP: I win. MAXIC: Damn. MAD: (soft voice) I’m a bad, bad girl... KANI: Don’t do that again Mad. "You're weird." MAXIC: (Ranko) Hey, that’s what my shrink said after I screwed him. Then I killed him. "Normal is boring." Ranko replied. After they both rinsed off completely, Ranko turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. "Stay there. "I'll put some towels on the floor so we don't slip." she told Ranma. Once the towels were down she reached in the shower and twisted the cold water faucet. MAD:...the way she twisted my sense of decency into broken pretzels last chapter. "Cold!" Ranma-chan yelled as the cold water hit her. She turned off the cold water, but Ranko grabbed her arm before she could turn the hot water on to change back. "Don't." Ranko said. FLIP: (Ranko) ...have sex with me. "Why not?" Ranma asked. FLIP: (Ranko) Because we’re siblings. "Well, two cute girls might be able to scam a free lunch off of somebody." "Good point." Ranma replied. "Boy, that didn't take a lot of convincing." Ranko said. "Nabiki was right, you will degrade yourself for free eats." MAXIC: Actually, in the anime series he does that a lot. "Hey!" Ranma yelled. "I didn't mean that in a bad way." Ranko replied. KANI: (Ranko) Now your practice of shooting puppies with a rifle, that’s another story. After drying off, Ranko started to get dressed in the blue skirt and blouse that she set out for herself. Ranma, however, was not getting dressed. "What's wrong?" she asked. MAD: Those bastards in the House didn’t pass the newest environmental bill. FLIP: Been watching CNN lately? "I'm not wearing that!" Ranma shouted and pointed to the clothes Ranko wanted her to wear. On the bed was a yellow blouse with matching skirt and a white bra and panties. KANI: (Ranma) I only wear black bras and panties. "What's the problem?" Ranko asked. "I got that outfit out of your closet." MAXIC: (Ranko) Right next to the leather dominatrix outfit and the whips, wait, that was my closet. "Ranma looked closer and remembered that that's the outfit that she wore to play tennis with Akane when they were trying to catch Happosai. "Well, the bra and panties ain't mine!" she yelled. MAD: They belong to the other girl that changes into a guy when wet that Ranko picked up. "Fine, you don't have to wear the bra." Ranko said. "But you are wearing the panties." KANI: (Ranko) For no other reason then I say so! "No way!" Ranma reached for her boxers, but Ranko grabbed them first. "Hey! Give me those!" "Get them yourself." Ranko said and held out the boxers. Just as Ranma was about to grab them, she used her hammerspace implant to make them disappear. MAXIC: The Space-time continuum implanted a black hole in Ranko, causing her to implode and saving us from the rest of this fic. "Where did they go?" Ranma asked. FLIP: (Ranma) They got out of this fanfic. Do that to me! "I ain't telling." Ranko said. "So now you got two choices. Wear the panties or wear nothing." "You tell anybody about this and you're dead." Ranma threatened and put on the panties. She may have her pride. but she didn't want to flash anyone if the wind blew her skirt up. "Quit complaining." Ranko said. "If it rains, you'll still be a girl wearing girl's clothes. I, on the other hand, will look pretty stupid as a guy in girl's clothes." MAXIC: As opposed to how she looks now. "I guess I see you're point." Ranma said as she put on the skirt and blouse. She didn't have to change her wardrobe much after she got cursed because girls didn't look bad in boy's clothes. She hadn't considered that Ranko probably wore dresses more often before she got cursed. KANI: We all have our cross to bear. And right now mine is this damn lemon. "You look great." Ranko said as she lead Ranma out the door. MAD: (Ranko) In sulfuric acid. "You gonna leave you're hair like that?" Ranma asked. FLIP: Why is this bringing up images of the hair gel scene in “Something About Mary.”? "Yeah. This way we don't look too much alike." Ranko replied. "People won't stare that way." KANI: Honey, look at the twins living in incestual perversion. "Where are we going, anyway?" Ranma asked. FLIP: (Ranko) Where else? To a house of sex and torture. I thought you knew me better. "To the tennis courts out back." Ranko replied. Ranma grinned. "I'm gonna beat you so bad." MAD:(Ranko) Can you use that red whip? It’s my favorite. "Aren't we confident." Ranko said. "Besides, even if lose, what's the worst score I could get?" "Love." Ranma replied. "Exactly." Ranko said with a big smile. MAXIC: I’m never playing tennis again. "Do you know you've got a one track mind?" Ranma asked. FLIP: And luckily for us, there’s a freight train bearing down on her right now. "Yep." After a quick breakfast in the restaurant, Ranma and Ranko went to the tennis courts, only to find them all being used. KANI: Ranko had booked a huge orgy session for the tennis courts. "Maybe we should come back later." Ranma suggested. "I can get us a court." Ranko said. She lead Ranma over to a court where two men were playing. "Excuse me, sir?" she called to one of them. MAD: (Ranko) Your house is on fire. Just thought you’d like to know. "Yes?" the man answered. MAXIC: (Man) I am a tool. How did you know? "My sister and I were going to play tennis today, but all the courts seem to be occupied. I was wondering if we could use this one." Ranko explained. "Well, I don't know..." the man said. "Would you do it for a kiss?" Ranko asked. She ignored the shocked expression on Ranma's face. "From such a pretty girl? How can I say no?" the man said. Ranma placed her hands on the sides of his face and gave him a long, slow kiss. MAD: This is how you say no. ‘NO’! "Hey! What about me?" the other man asked. FLIP: (Ranko) You’re ugly. You don’t get one. "Don't worry. We haven't forgotten you." Ranko said. "Ranma, give him a kiss." "I will NOT give him a kiss!" Ranma yelled. MAXIC: (Ranma) I can’t. I’m not related to him. Ranko sighed and shook her head. "I apologize for my sister's rude behavior. Her father picked her fiancee without asking, and she's a bit antisocial." MAD: (Ranma) Only when I’m around Ranko. "You're not engaged, too, are you?" the man asked. FLIP: (Ranko) No. I don’t have any more sibilings. "I was, but he was sleeping with my best friend, so I'm off the hook." Ranko answered. She grabbed the guy and gave him a kiss a kiss a lot more passionate than his friend. "I...I...I..." The guy was shocked beyond words. His friend lead him off the court. KANI:(guy) I’ve never been kissed before. MAD: (guy) I’m feeling a little randy, baby. MAXIC: (guy) I feel so...dirty. "Do you have to get in a lip lock with everyone you meet?" Ranma asked. "Hey, I like kissing." Ranko said. "Besides, I don't kiss everyone." FLIPSIDE: (Ranko) Just anyone who looks at me. "What about Shampoo, Mousse, and Ryoga?" Ranma asked. KANI: (Hairstylist) So what’dya want today? MAXIC: (Customer) I don’t know. How about a quick Shampoo, then some Mousse. "Shampoo kissed me first, I kissed Mousse because I thought he was a jealous boyfriend, and I kissed Ryoga to see if he'd get a nose bleed, which he did." Ranko answered. MAD: I can never understand how in anime if a character is sexually exited he’ll get a nosebleed. KANI: That does sound weird. All the guy’s blood should be heading downward, not up. "And what's with that story about you being engaged?" Ranma asked. MAXIC: (Ranko) That was the only way that prom queen would sleep with me! "It's true." Ranko said. "The guy who taught me how to use a sword engaged me to his grandson, Tenchi. Yoiko lost her virginity to him, so the engagement was called off. Not that I would have married him anyway." MAXIC: Damnit, does he have to cross Ranko into every other anime series that ever existed? MAD: What? MAXIC: Tenchi is a character in an anime called Tenchi Muyo. A good one too. In fact, now that I think of it, Skuld and Belldandy are from Oh My Goddess also. KANI: So dear old Andy really likes anime and can’t think of ideas for his own character’s background? MAXIC: Yup, looks that way. "Well, I wouldn't let Pop hear about this. It might give him ideas." Ranma said. FLIPSIDE: (Ranma’s Dad) How can I kill Ranko and get away with it? Think, think... "I can handle him." Ranko said. "Now, lets play tennis." MAD: Yeah, the same way she handled Ranma last night. Ranma went into the match expecting to win. After all, they both knew who the better athlete was. Unfortunately she wasn't having any luck. Every time she served the ball, it went straight to Ranko, and every time Ranko served, Ranma would miss the ball by less than an inch. It was almost as if Ranko was using magic to win. "Ranko!" Ranma yelled. "Are you using magic to cheat?" "It's not cheating." Ranko answered. "You can use magic if you want." KANI: Wait a sec. She’s using magic to win at tennis, even though using it kills her? Great sense of conservation there. FLIP SIDE: And you’re complaining? "I don't know any magic!" Ranma shouted. "Is that my fault?" Ranko asked, then saw the dirty look Ranma was giving her. "Okay, I won't use any more magic to win." "How do I know you're not lying?" Ranma asked. "Goddesses can't lie." Ranko replied. "It's against the rules. The Almighty is pretty strict about it." KANI: Oh yeah. Ol’ Andy wrote God in to explain Ranko’s magic. MAD: You know, if I wasn’t atheist, I’d be offended. FLIP: And in the news today, a tornado touched down today, destroyed a single house, and then dissipated. "If you say so." Ranma said. The next few matches were better. Ranko turned out to be very good even without magic, but at least Ranma had a better chance of winning. After a while they stopped for a breather, and noticed that several men and a few women were around the court watching them. MAD: Once again, there seems to be a rather large percentage of lesbians in this story. "Hey, Ranko?" Ranma said. "I thought you said that if we had different hair styles then people wouldn't stare at us." "They're not staring at us." Ranko said. "They're staring at you." "Huh?" "Watch the crowd." Ranko said. She got up and bounced on her toes a few times. KANI: On the tightrope suspended across a pool of hungry crocodiles. "They didn't do anything." Ranma said. FLIPSIDE:...besides staging the entire production of Shakespeare’s 'Hamlet'. "Now do what I just did." Ranko said. MAD: (Ranma) Okay. So I have to: Sleep with my brother’s fiancee’s sister, kiss everyone I see, then have sex with my brother to fend off death. Got it. Ranma repeated her sister's actions and noticed that the crowd's eyes were going up and down, following her movements. "You should have worn the bra." Ranko said. Ranma blushed as she realized that they were watching her breasts bounce up and down. MAXIC: Ranma was doing an imitation of Tifa. "C'mon, let's break for lunch." Ranko said. A little while later they were in a diner down the street eating hamburgers. MAD: In Japan. "Are you going to tell me why you freaked out this morning?" Ranko asked. "After all, that's no way to treat the girl you lost you're virginity to." "Um...don't take this the wrong way, but I wasn't a virgin." Ranma replied. MAXIC: (Ranma) There was the redhead at camp. And that blonde also. Then the orgy on the first day at school followed by weekly visits to Mrs. Robinson... Ranko choked on her hamburger. "You weren't?!?" FLIP SIDE: YES! Choke and Die! Choke And Die!! KANI: Flip, think bunny rabbits. Fuzzy pink bunny rabbits. "Not exactly, I..." Ranma stopped when he noticed Ranko giggling. "What?" "Nabiki said that there was no way you could have done the deed without the whole world knowing." Ranko said. "I can't wait to tell her." MAD: (Ranko) Honey, you know your sister’s fiancée? Guess what? "You can't do that!" Ranma shouted. "If you tell her then the whole world WILL know. My life would be over." MAXIC: (Ranma) Stupid Red Cross people. Hang up on them once and they really get pissed. "Relax. She already knows about us. I made her promise that she wouldn't use you're sex life to blackmail you." Ranko replied. "So, who beat me to the punch? It was Shampoo, wasn't it? Damn, what I wouldn't do to get a piece of that." FLIPSIDE: A piece of Shampoo? Couldn’t she get a bottle of the stuff at a supermarket? "It wasn't Shampoo." MAD: (Ranma) I haven’t used shampoo since that incident with the acid rinse at school. "It couldn't have been Akane. Was it Ukyo? Kasumi?" "Kasumi?!? You don't think she'd actually do something like that." Ranma was shocked. FLIP: You think you know someone, but then damn, they go and register Republican. "You'd be surprised." Ranko replied. "Well, who was it?" MAXIC: You would be surprised. At the fact Kasumi likes the Doctor and not Ranma! "It was me." Ranma said. KANI: You know, considering everything else that’s happened, I actually believe that. "Huh?" Ranko was confused. "Masturbating doesn't count as losing you're virginity." "It didn't happen that way." Ranma said. "Okay, a while back Happosai used some weird incense to separate my girl side from my guy side. She disappeared, but came back on the following nights." MAD: (Ranma) Nine and a half nights, to be exact. "So, was she good?" Ranko asked. FLIP: (Ranma) Not bad as long as we didn’t wear the same clothes. "I thought so at the time, but when we had sex she would drain off some of my energy." Ranma said. "She was sort of my evil side come to life." MAD: (Ranma) Actually, she was a lot like you. "Is that why you freaked this morning?" Ranko asked. MAXIC: (Ranma) No, that was because I woke up in the wet spot. "Yeah. The long hair. The clothes. The way you woke me up. All of it was the same." Ranma replied. KANI: (Ranma) Actually, it was the realization that my sister had just given me a blow job. "Well, you don't have to worry about me sucking away your life-force. The energy I get comes from the act itself, not from you personally." Ranko said. "And you're not the only one who has been seduced by evil." MAXIC:(Ranma) Yeah, but Bill Clinton hits on everyone. "What do you mean?" Ranma asked. "Well, there's a demoness out there who want's to do a whole bunch of nasty things to me, and she'll do just about anything to achieve her goal." Ranko answered. KANI: Great. We just have to get these two together. "Are you saying that we have to worry about a demoness attacking the dojo?" Ranma asked. "Mara usually spends most her time bugging Belldandy, so she shouldn't bother me now that I don't live there any more." Ranko said. "At least, I hope so." FLIPSIDE: Do I detect a note of foreshadowing? MAXIC: No, that would mean this fanfic actually has a plot besides sex. Just then the waiter came buy and placed two hot fudge sundaes on their table. MAD: Which were loaded with nitroglycerin and exploded, killing Ranko and Ranma and ending the fanfic. "We didn't order these." Ranko said. KANI: (Ranko) We ordered the banana-C4-split. "It's on the house, since your boyfriends aren't here to get them for you." the waiter said. "Gee thanks, mister." Ranma said cutely and started to devour her sundae. FLIPSIDE: (Waiter) Yes! Eat the poison like a good girl. "We don't have boyfriends, though." Ranko said. MAXIC: (Ranko) We have each other. KANI: That’s gotta be illegal. Even in Alabama and Texas. "Really?" The waiter asked. "Well, maybe you could get together with me and a friend of mine later." MAXIC: (Man) Meet my friend, Mr. Happy Grenade. Why’s he happy? Because his pin is pulled. KANI: You know, I’ve noticed the last few riffs were on the dark side. FLIP: So? KANI: Nothing. Just pointing it out. "I don't think you're up to it." Ranko said, then turned to Ranma. "Ranma, you've got ice cream all over your face." she said. She leaned over the table, and in an extremely erotic gesture, proceeded to lick the ice cream off of Ranma's face. "..." Both Ranma and the waiter were stunned into silence. "You're drooling." Ranko told the waiter. MAXIC: (Ranko) Onto me. Could you do that a little off to this side? Thanks. "Um...well...I...gotta go." the guy said and stumbled into the kitchen. "I love doing that." Ranko said. KANI: I love pretending I’m boiling Ranko alive. I really love that. "What was that all about?" Ranma asked, looking angry. "Don't tell me you didn't enjoy that." Ranko said. MAD: He enjoyed it about as much as we enjoyed this entire section of the fanfic. MAXIC: You mean, bored and wishing the TV was traveling near the speed of light so that time dilation effects would shorten the apparent time we spent watching it? MAD: Yeah, basically. "That's not the point." Ranma said. "Were both girls right now. I don't want people thinking I'm a pervert." KANI: He says this after screwing his sister? "So I'm a pervert because I like girls?" Ranko asked. FLIPSIDE: No, you’re a pervert because you screwed you brother. How’s that? "Oops. Sorry." Ranma said. "That's okay." Ranko said. "I am a pervert. But not because I'm gay." FLIP: No, that would because You Have Sex With Your Brother!! KANI: I think the last episode really hurt poor Flip Side here. "What ever." Ranma said. "Just try to keep the show of affection to a minimum. It's embarrassing." MAD: Much like this entire fic. "You're no fun." Ranko replied. MAXIC: (Ranko) I want to use the whip, too! VOICE: Congratulations. KANI: (bored) Yay. MAXIC: Amazing. A lemon with character development. MAD: You’re assuming we actually *want* to know more about that nympho Ranko. KANI: Whatever, at least it’s another pay check. See ya (leaves) FLIP: I wonder how much there is of this thing left? MAXIC: Who knows. MAD: Umm, probably the Dr. Frankenstein and Igor running this thing. MAXIC: (getting up) Funny Mad. Of course they know how much there’s left. Good luck getting them to tell us, though. FLIP: Yeah, security sure seems tight around here. MAXIC: Oh well, like Kani said, it’s a paycheck. Bye (leaves). MAD: Hey Flip, do you need a ride somewhere? FLIP: No, I’m fine walking. MAD: Walking? Oh come on, at least let me give you a ride. FLIP: Hmm, I don’t know...I usually don’t take rides from people I don’t even know. Besides, don’t you usually bike here? MAD: My sister’s gone, so I’ve got her car for a few weeks. But you’re right, I hardly know you, Kani, or Max. I can’t even think of their real names. FLIP: You don’t remember my name? I’m offended. MAD: Your name is Amy, I remember that. FLIP: Good. Don’t forget it. MAD: Yes ma’am. So about that ride? FLIP: Sorry, I need to go by a friend’s house, and it’s only a few blocks from here. MAD: Alright. (gets up and hands Flip Side her coat) See you next time Amy. FLIP: See ya Rob (leaves) "I have to remember to get that new lock" Rob mumbled as he tried to coax a rusted shackle to open on his bike lock. "If you please Mr. Manul, just a moment of your time." Rob turned to see a old man holding a pair of gardening shears and wearing white overalls. "Yes, what do you want? And it’s Robert, or just Rob." "See Sir, I want to talk. About the other Subjects. I’ve talked to the others, they don’t think I should but I want to." the old man said. "Alright," Rob said, "but who are the others." "They don’t want to tell you, but Madame Raven, keep your eye on her." Rob just looked at the old man. "Uh, huh." "You don’t have to worry about yourself, you are a Sir and a Key, you are wanted. You and the other Sir are Keys. They wouldn’t do anything to you. Nor Madame Sapphire, she is wanted. But Madame Raven may not be. So watch her." The old shackle finally clicked open. Rob quickly wrapped the chain around his bike and snapped the lock shut. "Thanks. I’ll be sure to tell her that. I need to go now." "Goodbye Sir." <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Four down, four more (probably) to go. I’ll finish this thing yet. Gotta question? Mail me at drnelson@ucdavis.edu, but expect a completely bs’ed, fabricated answer. I don't want people thinking I'm a pervert.