Middle-Earth Science Theater 3000, Episode 103: "The Quest Resumes" With short "A Short, Serene Thought" Original stories by Rachel Aaron and Allen Gainsford MiSTing by Amanda Van Rhyn All further legal grot at the end of the MiSTing And now, with no further ado... TURN DOWN YOUR STAR-GLASS (and give yourself a severe case of eyestrain) In the not-too-distant future, Several Sundays from now, A.D., Mike Nelson and his robot pals Are living high fantasy! They finally got a vacation, But Pearl and the gang had to have their fun, So they got some guys from the planet's face; They bribed 'em with some pipeweed and they shot 'em into space! ("BAMF!") "We'll send them cheesy text files - The worst we can find! ("Na na na!") They'll have to sit and watch them all, And we'll monitor their minds!" ("Na na na!") Now keep in mind these guys aren't sure What to do with text so inane - ("Na na na, and all that jazz...") They may get some good riffs in, Or they may just go insane! (Funky sound effect) GIVE ME ROLL CALL #9! CAMBOT! ("Twiki, eat your heart out!") ROSIE! ("Life support maintenance, bed-making, mission statement meetings - when's lunch again?") FRODO! ("The rumors of my being a Christ figure have been greatly exaggerated.") SAAAAM! ("Must... find... coffee...") If you're wondering, "Why the dumb pastiche?" And other MiSTing facts, ("Like, na na na, or something?") Just repeat to yourself, "It's just plain text, I should really just relax..." For Middle-Earth Science Theater 3000! [The MEST3K Door Sequence. It goes something like this: - 1 is the standard vault door, but with the Lidless Eye in the center. - 2 is a band of orcs. They run away as you get closer. - 3 is the Gates of Moria. They open with the magic password thingy. - 4 is a cheesy pasteboard version of Smaug. One punch and it's down. - 5 is a stone troll. A talc one, to be exact. It crumbles. - 6 is the door of Bag End, complete with Gandalf-vandalized paint job. - 7 is the normal dogbone door (d'oh!). And our scene opens to...] [Scene: SoL. Strider, who appears to have actually combed his hair for once, and Rosie (who, as usual, looks about as immaculate as her workload will allow) are standing near center stage. Rosie is carrying an old-fashioned wooden pointer, and behind her is a tripod and mounted posterboards. Strider turns to face the camera.] STRIDER: Hi, everyone. For those of you who are just tuning in, this is the Satellite of Love, and I'll be your zookeeper for today. My name's Aragorn, son of Arathorn, heir to, and now possessor of, the throne of Gond - [Rosie cuts Strider off with a swift, artful *THWAP* to the shins with her pointer. We can't see it from our viewpoint, but the sound effect and the expression on Strider's face are enough to convey the message.] ROSIE: But you can call him Strider. Right? STRIDER: Uh, right. You can indeed call me Strider. (He laughs nervously for a moment.) Anyway, today we're beginning what we hope will be a long-running feature here on the SoL. In the interest of bettering your experience, we're going to instruct you on the very nature of the universe! ROSIE: Well, to be more specific, I am. (She speaks the next line in fast-paced Hobbitish, but Cambot helpfully subtitles it at the bottom of the screen: "*Someone* here doesn't know enough about the nature of the universe to get himself out of a one-room smial with a map and a torch!") STRIDER: Um... what was... ROSIE: Anyway, let's begin today's topic: The Sun. (She unveils the first posterboard, displaying a labeled picture of the sun. She begins gesturing with her pointer at the picture, following her train of thought as she speaks.) The sun itself is a mass of incandescent gas - in fact, it's a giant nuclear furnace! Inside, hydrogen is turned into helium at a temperature of millions of deg... [Her presentation is abruptly interrupted when Sam and Frodo run onto the bridge from the left. They're not wearing their normal costumes, aside from the headpieces; instead, they're dressed as Team Rocket, Sam as James and Frodo as Jessie. Frodo looks thoroughly mortified. With no further ado, they launch into the chant.] FRODO: Prepare for trouble! SAM: And make it double! FRODO: To protect the world from devastation! SAM: To unite all peoples within our nation! FRODO: To denounce the evils of truth and love! SAM: To extend our reach to the stars above! FRODO: Jessie! I feel stupid... SAM: Just go with it. James! FRODO: Team Rocket, blast off at the speed of light! SAM: Surrender now, or prepare to fight! And, um, we don't have a Meowth, so that's about it... [There's a moment of silence, with everyone confused. Then, Rosie breaks into laughter.] SAM: What?! ROSIE: (stops laughing and catches her breath) Frodo... I had *no* idea soap green was your color... FRODO: Hey, this isn't my fault! It was all Sam's idea! STRIDER: We'll be right back, folks. Assuming, of course, nobody kills anyone during the commercial. (He glares at Frodo and Sam as he hits the commercial-sign button.) [Kibology - the Opposite of Beer! Visit the center of the insanity at http://www.kibo.com . (Hey, would you rather I fill the space with another commercial parody?)] [SoL. Rosie has left, leaving Strider alone with Sam and Frodo (still in Team Rocket costumes).] STRIDER: All right, Sam, explain this again... SAM: Well, I've been studying the feedback, and it seems a lot of our target audience are fans of this sort of thing! I thought it would be audience-appropriate! FRODO: Still, couldn't we have done something audience-appropriate *without* me having to cross-dress? SAM: Well, I'm sorry, Frodo! The skirt fit you, is all... FRODO: Well, yes, but you're missing the point! The point is - STRIDER: Well, I hope we've all learned a lesson about transvestism today. (He glares at the hobbits again.) Now, boys, I'd suggest you go and change costumes. [The three trudge offstage to the left as Rosie enters again from the right.] ROSIE: Hmm, the Sackville-Bagginses are calling. Might as well answer. (She hits the Mad Light.) [Deep Under 13. The Mads have set up a fairly elaborate device on center stage; it appears to be a Plexiglass box about seven feet tall with an overhead compartment holding several hundred Ping Pong balls. Saruman is standing inside the box, holding his Jell-O mold brain and looking thoroughly bored. Lobelia and Pearl are standing by the box, and Lotho is nowhere to be seen.] PEARL: Greetings, guinea pigs! How are things in Electric Merryland? [SoL. Rosie is still alone on the stage. She tries to look nonchalant.] ROSIE: Oh, the usual. Where's Thain-in-the-Neck? [Deep Under 13] LOBELIA: (coughs) If you're referring to Lotho, he's out doing errands - you know, picking things up. Popcorn, laser cannons, nothing out of the ordinary. Meanwhile, we've really been making progress down here. PEARL: Yeah, we've finally come to a truce on who's in charge around here! We're splittin' duties from now on - it makes the evil machine run so much cleaner, you know. And to celebrate - [They both strike poses, gesturing at the Plexiglass box.] BOTH: We've got an invention! [SoL] ROSIE: Oh, so *that's* what that is. And I thought you'd redecorated! So... what do you do with it? [Deep Under 13] LOBELIA: Finally. I thought you'd never ask. This little beauty combines the best features of two products of Earth pop culture - PEARL: - Namely, the Jusenkyou curses from _Ranma 1/2_ and the hail of Ping Pong balls from _Captain Kangaroo_! LOBELIA: As you can see, the tank here has been specially fitted with a Ping-Pong-dropping feature. However, these are no ordinary Ping Pong balls! PEARL: They've all been filled with water from the Spring of Drowned Young Girl and, of course, will break apart on contact. LOBELIA: Let's try it, shall we? [Lobelia takes a small remote control out of her pocket and presses the big red button on it (every evil device has a big red button, and this one is no exception). The trap door between the Ping Pong ball compartment and the main box opens, hailing Saruman with the balls - and, once the hail has cleared, leaving him a young girl form of himself.] SHARKEY-CHAN: I'm relatively sure this isn't in my contract... PEARL: Well, those are the breaks, Brain Gal. (She smirks.) Now, onto the story. LOBELIA: Actually, I've picked out two short stories for them today. One's a piece of sentimental sludge, and the other? Well, it's what you could call an alternate history. Be nice twits and go insane, won't you? [SoL. The Fanfic Sign goes off.] ROSIE: Oh, boys... you've got Fanfic Sign... [The Door Sequence. In the background, we hear S&TH rushing to get into the theater.] [Theater. Everyone is already seated.] STRIDER: Well, that was a close call. SAM: Might as well strap ourselves down - the "fun" is about to start... > Ok, This is my first fanfic, so go easy on me. STRIDER: Oh, great... the kiss of death. > I always loved the character Neo Queen Serenity but thought it would be > interesting to get her nice and shaken up. FRODO: Why? Because I'm EVIL! BWAHAHAHAHA! > I felt sad one day and wrote this. SAM: And we're feeling sad today because we have to read it. > Normally when someone in Sailor Moon dies FRODO: ... they come right back to life, because they're cartoon characters? STRIDER: Frodo, anime doesn't work like Western cartoons. FRODO: Oh... > there is a huge, tragic death scene where they get to say good-bye to all > their friend, lovers, etc., STRIDER: Tell... Hello Kitty... that I... love her... > but the whole point of my story is that it all happened so suddenly and > Serenity has to deal with this by herself. It's not a long story, SAM: Woo-HOO! > the whole thing takes place within an hour. STRIDER: A two-page story is going to take us an hour to read? Uh oh... > Any way, enjoy my story, I had some fun writing it, maybe I'll do another \ > some time. FRODO: Oh, don't bother on our account, Fanfic Author! > Love Ya! > Rachel Aaron STRIDER: Oh, wasn't that sweet. It almost makes me sorry to rip this thing to shreds. SAM: Feral, aren't we? STRIDER: Oh, a tad. > ----Visit my page! FRODO: All that sweetness, and now we get a shameless plug? > "The Shrine Of Luna, and the Sailor Who Loves Her"---- SAM: Must... not... say... anything... > -------------------http://www.mindspring.com/~raaaron--------------------- FRODO: Remember all the hyphens! > A Short, Serene Thought STRIDER: Well... it's short. FRODO: One out of three ain't bad. > Neo Queen Serenity SAM: Yes, new Neo Queen Serenity! Just like your old Queen Serenity, but with 20% less fat and all the Silver Millennium flavor you crave! > knelt by King Endomins FRODO: King Endorphin? STRIDER: Well, that would be a nice picker-upper. > grave SAM: Lemme outta here! I'm alive! I'm... oh, never mind. > inside the royal vault. > Her vision blurred and she scrubbed furiously at her face. FRODO: AGH! These new contacts suck! I'm gonna sue MaiarCrafters! > Stupid tears, they just wouldn't stop. STRIDER: One less rose dart to pull out the wall... one less Crescent Shooter to polish... > Why was it so hard to say good-bye? SAM: Thtupid retainer! I can't thay anything with thith thing in my mowth! > It had been three years sense his death, STRIDER: No thanks. I think we've already sensed his death enough for today. > even Chibi Usa had come to terms. FRODO: Wow, that's cruel! This story sure doesn't like Chibi! SAM: Yeah! It's as if she were an *anteater* or something... > Yet that day was still fresh in her memory. > It was the annual Harvest Moon festival. STRIDER: After all, we all know how agriculture-based the society of futuristic Neo-Tokyo is. > Chibi Usa, Endomin, and herself had presided over it, same as every year. > They never figured out how the sniper got in, SAM: Well, maybe if they hadn't done their annual visit to the Neo-Tokyo grassy knoll... > they never found him afterwards. STRIDER: They also never checked the book depository, but I'm sure that's just a coincidence. > One minute she had been standing on the platform, then there was a shot FRODO: It was a dark and stormy Harvest Moon Festival! A shot rang out! The maid screamed! > and Endomin had thrown himself in front of her. Then they were on the > ground, SAM: Ewwww! Don't you think we should wait until we're back at the palace? > there was noise and confusion every where FRODO: Another shot rang out! The maid screamed again! > but she heard none of it, her eyes were on those of Endomin, which were > already beginning to gloss over. SAM: Eat... brains... > The bullet had been fired by an old fashioned hand gun, originally aimed > at Serenity's head. STRIDER: Nav strikes again! > It had entered at the base of his neck. He died instantly, no pain, no > long good-byes, not even a recognition of what had happened. FRODO: Say, I remember that snuff fic I was supposed to star in! I wonder whatever happened to tha - AAAAAGH! > After all they had gone through, to have it end like this, it was to much > for her to bear. He was just, gone... SAM: Y'know, this fanfic is giving me the vague impression that maybe "Endomin" is dead and Serenity is in mourning. But I could be wrong... > Serenity sighed, he was gone, really gone. STRIDER: Yes, we know he's dead blah blah this was all so sudden blah blah she's a nervous wreck blah blah blah. Get ON with it! > She wondered why that shocked her, FRODO: I'm pretty sure there's a Pikachu joke here, but after today I'm not going anywhere near Pokemon. > she had known that for three years, but she hadn't believed it until now. > Serenity allowed her eyes to drift from his marker to the rest of the > vault. STRIDER: Insert obligatory Shinji's Vault of Anime MiSTings plug here. > Next to him was a place for her, a place for the Princess and any other > family that was still to come, places for all the Shenshi. Some day she > too would be here, FRODO: "Pretty Soldier Sailor Corpse?" > all things end. SAM: Well, in that case, what's keeping this fanfic going? > After three years of crying she accepted this fact in silence. FRODO: Well, some people will surprise you with their hidden depth of feeling. SAM: And others still will shock, shock, shock you with all that they're revealing... STRIDER: Where *have* all the merrymakers gone? SAM: The Harvey Danger sketch, ladies and gents! > Then she did the hardest thing she had ever done, she let him go, FRODO: Seeing as he's probably rotted all over by this point, that might be a good idea. SAM: My, you're dark today. FRODO: Can you blame me? > she said good-bye to Endomin. All the screaming and all the tears ended in > silence. STRIDER: Then all the people bowed and prayed to the neon god they made. The words of the prophet were written on the subway wall. The End. > Then she rose, brushed off her dress, FRODO: Yet again, my search for the Elder Gods has left my garments with the eldritch stink of the corpses of hideous rugose beasts! Tee hee! SAM: Um... Frodo... are you all right? FRODO: Perfectly. I just like saying "rugose", that's all. > and stepped outside to where the other Shenshi were waiting for her. STRIDER: Who are we waiting for this time? Godot or Minak... oh, that's right, Neo Queen Serenity! > She was still Serenity of the Moon and Queen of Crystal Tokyo, her destiny > did not end here. SAM: But, luckily enough for us, the fic did! FRODO: Yay! > --------------------------------------------------------------------------- > ------------------------------- STRIDER: Whoa, some critic gave the fic *that* many minus signs? > I tried not to make the ending to sappy, but what can I say, I like sappy > stories. FRODO: Saying this story is sappy is like saying Mirkwood has a pest problem... > Anyway you can e-mail me at raaaron@mindspring.com SAM: Should we do the tired old mailbomb riff here? FRODO: Nah, not today. > or VISIT MY PAGE!!! > _The Shrine Of Luna, and the Sailor Who Loves Her_ > http://www.mindspring.com/~raaaron > A shrine to the cutest creature on 4 legs LUNA! Tons of pictures, links, a > Sailor Moon trivia Challenge and tons of other stuff. So come and see me, > I'm making big Puppy-dog eyes! STRIDER: Urge to kill... rising... > Love Ya! > Rachel Aaron @^_^@ FRODO: So, the fanfic ends with a clump of punctuation gibberish? SAM: You say 'gibberish'; I say 'positive writing improvement'. > __ STRIDER: Luckily, the story's got one of those "Do Not Resuscitate" tattoos. > From: macspon@ihug.co.nz (Angus MacSpon) FRODO: Well, I don't know about anything else, but the author's got a cool name! SAM: I am... MacSpon. *Angus* MacSpon. > Subject: [Ranma][Xover][Fanfic] The Quest Resumes FRODO: "The Quest Resumes?" What quest? Did we miss something? STRIDER: Poor Ryouga is *still* looking for his umbrella... > ... Frodo FRODO: Wait a second! We have to read *another* story about us?! SAM: Well, "Tail" didn't involve us at all... thank Eru for small mercies. ALL: Huzzah! > gave a cry, STRIDER: Hi-KEEBA! SAM: No, no, no, Strider... a bit higher, more nasal... FRODO: HEY! > and there he was, fallen upon his knees at the chasm's edge. SAM: DEEP hurting! See, more like that... > But Gollum, dancing like a mad thing, FRODO: "The Quest Resumes: Electric Boogaloo." > held aloft the ring, STRIDER: Yay! 99 more of these and I've got an extra life! > a finger still thrust within its circle. FRODO: Owie owie owie... SAM: This shot filmed in Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome Vision! > It shone now as if verily it was wrought of living flame. STRIDER: No, actually, I think that was all the blood... FRODO: Owieowieowieowie... > "Precious, precious, precious!" Gollum cried. "My Precious! O my > Precious!" SAM: Wait a moment - what's my motivation here? I'm sensing something about a Precious or something... > And with that, even as his eyes were lifted up to gloat on > his prize, STRIDER: Hehehe! Ring! Ring! Ringringringring! Hehehe... SAM: Shut UP, Gollum! (makes *THWAP*ping noise) > he stepped too far, toppled, wavered for a moment on the brink, and then > with a shriek he fell. STRIDER: Actually, I think he slipped on all the b... FRODO: YES! We get the IDEA! There was a LOT of BLOOD! Now STOP it! > Out of the depths came his last wail _Precious_, SAM: Well, that was utterly original. > and he was gone. STRIDER: But the Gollum came back, the very next day! Oh, the Gollum came back, we thought he was a goner, but the Gollum came back - he just couldn't stay away! SAM: Yeah, now he takes care of the Ring while the Master is away... FRODO: No Master jokes, OK?! My psyche hurts... > At that moment, there was a solar flare, or something. SAM: Um... OK. Sure. Whatever, story. STRIDER: And we have plot contrivance! > Several hundred metres down in the chasm, Gollum struck an outcropping, > bounced, bounced again, SAM: Boingy boingy boingy... > and finally smacked down on a heap of smoking ash, right next to a pool of > boiling lava. FRODO: What?! You mean he somehow managed to *miss* the volcano? STRIDER: Well, not the volcano. Just... um... all of the lava... oh boy. > He suffocated in short order. ALL: Huzzah! STRIDER: We're sitting here cheering at the pitiful death of a mentally ill individual? My, we're cruel. SAM: Oh, come on! It's *Gollum!* STRIDER: Point taken. Huzzah! > The ring was left buried. > > The Dark Lord Sauron was not destroyed. FRODO: Um, excuse me, but WAH?! Shouldn't we all be dead right now?! SAM: Don't worry! He wasn't destroyed by the Ring, but Aeolus got to him soon afterwards. FRODO: Phew - that was a close one! > But with the One Ring returned to the place of its making, pretty nearly, SAM: Well, you know, close enough. It's only saving the world, after all. > the greater part of his power was lost, and he was much reduced. STRIDER: He was forced to take a cameo role in "Attack of the Eye Creatures." FRODO: Gah! He may have been plotting the slow, painful destruction of all we know and love, but that's just *cruel*! > His forces wavered and were defeated by the hosts of Gondor. STRIDER: Huzzah! SAM: MEST3K or RenFest - you decide... STRIDER: Gentle on the fourth wall, *Samwise*. SAM: Oh, shut up. > Sauron fled from Barad-dur and roamed the world thenceforth, wreaking > petty mischief wherever he went. In time, he became rather eccentric. FRODO: Ah, those Lidless Eyes. They're kooky! > In Gondor, nobody knew that the Ring had not been destroyed. SAM: Due to the aforementioned Mordorian Plot Contrivance? > Aragorn was crowned King. STRIDER: And the peasants rejoiced! Yay for me! FRODO: Oh, look who's Mr. Ego-Stroking... > The hobbits went home. SAM: After a few years of relative peace, they got shot up into a satellite and... well... you know the rest. > Centuries passed ... FRODO: Gah! You mean we've got hundreds of years of fics to worry about? STRIDER: Hey, I'm the one who has to worry. You stupid Ring-Bearers and your stupid immortality... FRODO: Feel lucky! *You're* the one who gets to die! > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ SAM: It's the Leonard Maltin Backlash - after years of giving all those crappy films three stars, he went negative, and HOW! > "The Quest Resumes" > by Angus MacSpon FRODO: I'm Angus MacSpon... private eye. > Based on characters and situations created by J R R Tolkien SAM: Look, it's Ron the Historian! ALL: Hi, Ron the Historian! > and Rumiko Takahashi. Please don't sue me, or I'll cry. STRIDER: Aw, is da widdle author gonna cwy? SAM: Be quiet. I have a big enough guilt complex as is... > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ FRODO: I don't know about anyone else, but I think it's the secret Hyphen Graveyard! > It was a peaceful day at the Tendou Dojo. STRIDER: And, just coincidentally, a sunny day in Knothole Village... > Kasumi was in the kitchen, humming happily. Happousai was ironing his > collection of panties, also humming happily. FRODO: In local news, the recent Prozac dump into the Nerima water supply has proven to be a great success! > Nabiki was listening to the radio, trying to ignore all the damn happy > humming. SAM: I like her already. > A special news report came on. "And new discoveries were announced today > by the team excavating under Mount Fuji. FRODO: Because, you know, they're always discovering ancient civilizations under the bases of volcanos that haven't moved for millions of years... STRIDER: Maybe they're looking for Yithians. FRODO: Yithians! Yay! > The team, sponsored by the government's Department for Excavating Under > Holy Mountains, SAM: Ha ha! Those wacky bureaucrats! FRODO: Look who's talking, Mr. Mayor of Hobbiton... SAM: Ixnay onay uhthay imelinetay-akingbray eferencesray! FRODO: Oh. My mistake. > stated that they had found a slightly singed gold ring, embedded in a pile > of petrified ash. STRIDER: So, they chipped apart random igneous rocks until they found a ring that should never have been there and that should have been destroyed by the obvious *huge* *pits* *of* *LAVA* anyway? FRODO: But remember, it *missed* the lava! STRIDER: Must... not... think... > When asked to explain how the ring could have gotten there, the team > leader said, 'Who knows? SAM: After all, I'm pulling a blank on these fiery letters too. > But I've got first dibs on any finder's fee.'" STRIDER: Wow, watch Nabiki break into a blind sprint at the mention of "finder's fee"! > Happousai looked up quickly. "Gold ring?" he said, astonished. "They > _found_ it?" An look of unholy glee appeared on his face. SAM: Um... when they said Sauron got a little eccentric, they *meant* it... FRODO: I have just one phrase for you, story: NONONONONONONO! (Steam starts pouring out of Frodo's fishbowl.) FRODO: Sam, remind me to thank Rosie for the ventilation holes in this thing. I think I'm going to need them. > "At last! I'm coming, my pretty!" He sprang up and raced out of the room. STRIDER: Looks like *someone* had his Melkor Flakes this morning... > Seconds later he raced back in, turned off the iron, and snatched up his > pile of panties. "Can't just leave you lying around, can I, my dears?" > he muttered. SAM: I'd say something, but this really is in character for Happosai, so I won't. > He stared at the underwear in his arms, and then across at the radio. > "Ring or panties? Ring or panties?" he dithered. "How can I choose > between them? FRODO: Folks, if you want to play along at home, this would be an excellent time to begin. > Ah! STRIDER: Megami-Sama! > I know! I must have them _both_!" FRODO: Both yummy peanut butter and creamy nougat in one candy bar! There must be both! > He raced into his room, carrying the panties with him. SAM: Nobody will be seated during the climactic HappoSauron Packing Scene! > "Gonna need some help for this one," he said to himself, rummaging through > a pile of junk. STRIDER: Where is that dang Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs battery-powered propellor beanie? > "Now, let's see. Where did I leave them? FRODO: Well, HappoSauron, did you check the Barad-dur junk drawer? > Ah! Here we are. 'Nine for mortal men doomed to die ...' SAM: And seven for the dwarves... STRIDER: And the five golden ones my true love gave to me... FRODO: Wah?! Oh, never mind, I'm spoiling the joke... three for the Elven-Kings... SAM: And one for us! STRIDER: Figures. The Ring was the bane of Isildur, and you two are swiftly becoming the bane of Isildur's heir. > One, FRODO: ... is the loneliest number that you'll ever know. > two, SAM: ... can be as bad as one. It's the loneliest number since the number one. > three, STRIDER: And three shall be the number of thy counting, and the number of thy counting shall be three. Thou shalt not count to four, and thou shalt not count to two unless thou proceedest to three. Five is right out! > four, five, FRODO: Five! Five rings of the Nazgul! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! > six, seven, eight ... STRIDER: What do we appreciate? ALL: Not this fic! Not this fic! Yay! > hey, where's the ninth damn ring? STRIDER: Listen, old pervert, is that ninth ring worth 5000 yen to you or not? > Oh, well, too bad. Now, which suckers should I pass them off to this > time?" > > The answer didn't take much thought at all, really. FRODO: Ooh, cliffhanger. > --------------- SAM: I think all the minus signs are really the story's way of taunting us. STRIDER: OK, story, who does HappoSauron give the rings to? Hiroshi and Daisuke? Pinky and the Brain? The Sailor Scouts? Answer me... > "Truly, it is elegant, and well-suited to one of such stature as myself," > mused Kunou, STRIDER: The Kunous. Oh. FRODO: Aw, come on! Kunou musing about his stature is like me musing about my height! > admiring the ring. "But I fail to see why you would offer it to me, > ancient one." SAM: Don't question the contrivances, Kunou. You *do* want to survive the fic, right? > "Indeed, most charming," murmured Kodachi, "though I suspect that a rose > design would have been more appropriate. STRIDER: Then again, few know of my secret double life as Tuxedo Mask! FRODO and SAM: Ugh... > But for once in his life, my brother has a good point. What's the catch, > old pervert?" SAM: Well, your father said he'd help me get lei'd... FRODO: Argh! That's BAD! Besides, puns are *my* department. > "There's so little trust in the world today," mourned Happousai. STRIDER: It turns out Cologne locks her underwear drawer! > A look of cunning came into his eyes. "Tatewaki, m'boy, I've long been > holding that ring in trust for the, er, the most noble youth in Tokyo. FRODO: So, you'll tell me if you see him, right? > You obviously qualify." Kunou preened visibly and put his ring on without > hesitation. Instantly he stiffened, his eyes rolling strangely. Well, > more strangely. SAM: *SQUISH* Oh, sorry, Kunou... let me pick up the other one for you. > "And you, Kodachi my dear, just think -- this ring has certain magic > powers that will give you a clear advantage over all the other suitors > for Ranma's hand!" STRIDER: When it comes to the rest of Ranma, though, you're on your own. > Kodachi raised her eyebrows. "Oh? Why didn't you say so?" she snapped. > Then she hesitated again. "But still, why are you offering it to --" FRODO: It's in the script, you idiot! Go with it! > "Oh, for heaven's sake." Happousai goosed her, snatched the ring while > she was squawking, and jammed it on her finger. She, too stiffened. > After a few moments, both siblings came out of their trances. STRIDER: HEY! Who are you, and what have you done with my mental sense of iambic pentameter? > "Come, sister," ordered Kunou. "For some reason, I feel an inexplicable > urge to don black robes." FRODO: They go with *everything*, you know, and I just got the *cutest* little handbag... > "Hai." Wearing slightly glazed expressions, SAM: We had Jell-O today! > the two tottered away. STRIDER: Those Kunous - they may wobble, but they won't fall down. > --------------- > > Meanwhile, FRODO: ... back at the ranch... > in China -- FRODO: Oh. > "Where am I _now_?" demanded Ryouga. SAM: Oh, just a weird fanfic. Why? > "Oh, sir, you come to ancient legendary training ground of cursed springs," > burbled the Guide. STRIDER: Hmm... looks like the Guide's taken a little dip in Spring of Drowned Boozer lately... > "Each spring have own oh-so-tragic legend -- oh! Wait! Sir has been here > before! We get so little return business --" SAM: Oh, a group of open, slippery springs that all bestow any number of silly curses? That should be a family vacation wonderland! > "Jyusenkyo? FRODO: Not Jusenkyoo, Jusenkyou, or Jusenkyo? Woohoo! > I've gotten back here? Great!" gloated Ryouga. "Now, I'll be cured at > last! STRIDER: Sure, it's failed in the last 1573 fanfics, but maybe this time it'll work! > Then just watch out, Ranma! I can't wait to see the look on his eyes next > time he tries to call me 'Pig-boy' ..." SAM: As in "Squeal like a..."? (S&TH begin humming, in various keys, "Dueling Banjos.") > "Oh, you want to find Nannichuan sir? Right this way," said the Guide. STRIDER: Hasn't it ever occured to these guys that they could sell bottled Nannichuan water in the gift shop and make a killing? > As he led the Lost Boy out among the springs, the Guide wondered FRODO: ... when Peter Pan was going to show up? > what to turn him into this time. What nobody who came here realised was > that the springs weren't cursed at all. SAM: Ooh! Look, a plot point! Catch it before it gets away! > The Guide was simply the latest in a long line of sorcerers. Sorcerers > with senses of humour. STRIDER: But, strangely, the guide always got very angry when anyone mentioned monkeys... FRODO: See! I'm a Wizard! I've got my "Wizzard" hat and everything! > (The family legend was that they were descended from a pair of blue > wizards who'd come this way a long time before, but really, who believed > that stuff?) SAM: Istari breeding with humans... I'll leave the joke to someone with more time on their hands. > Picking a pool at random, he said, "Here is Nannichuan, sir, spring of > drowned man. You jump in, be man again." FRODO: So, he's not a man now? STRIDER: That's not what Kasumi said... SAM: Strider! STRIDER: What?! SAM: Oh, nothing. I've just wanted an excuse to turn the tables, that's all. > Ryouga dropped his pack and took a mighty leap. The Guide waited until > he was in mid-air before shouting, "No! No, sir, I make mistake! This > not Nannichuan! You not jump, sir!" FRODO: Sir, I suggest you find way to reverse gravity, otherwise my malpractice insurance bills skyrocket again! > He just had time to enjoy Ryouga's horrified expression before the boy hit > the water. STRIDER: Ooh, belly flop. That's gonna cost him points with the Russian judge for *sure*. > Carefully wiping the grin off his face, the Guide thought about what to > make the boy. Hmm, how about something from the book he'd been reading? FRODO: Hmm... that wouldn't happen to be a *red* book, would it be? I'm getting a really bad feeling here... > That could be fun. SAM: I love ruining the lives of young Japanese people! It's so much fun! > He concentrated for a moment. FRODO: Ooh, look at the pretty smoke plumes coming from his ears... > Ryouga broke the surface, then looked down at himself in horror. SAM: I'm getting hair in places I never had hair before! STRIDER: Sam, was that strictly necessary? SAM: I meant his feet, you ninnyhammer. What did you think I meant? STRIDER: Oh, nothing. > "Oh, sir," the Guide told him sadly. "So sad. FRODO: Oh, wait, that my stage direction! Sorry, sir. > You fall in spring of drowned hobbit. STRIDER: Um... I should say something here, really I should. FRODO: Bad feeling... growing... SAM: Hmm... sympathetic or cruel? I think I'll go for cruel! FRODO: Aww, great. Sam... > Very tragic legend of hobbit who drown here two thousand six hundred year > ago." SAM: Yes, sir, you fall in Spring of Drowned Drogo! FRODO: *Sam*... SAM: Very tragic legend of Baggins drowning in boating accident many years ago! FRODO: *SAM*... STRIDER: We get it, Sam, but knock it off. Frodo's building up steam in his dome again. SAM: And over this way is Spring of Drowned Primul-AAAAAGH! (Frodo's choke hold manages to surprise Sam and knock him to the ground, where the fight noises commence. Strider sighs.) STRIDER: Never say I didn't warn you, Samwise. Cambot, hold up the fic for a second until the Wonder Bozos down here finish. (The fight goes on, briefly, but soon the hobbits sit back in their seats and brush themselves off.) STRIDER: OK, kids, did we learn anything? SAM: I learned Mr. Giant-Emotional-Scab over here can be very fast when you're not looking. FRODO: Making cheap jokes about other people's dead parents isn't funny... SAM: Hey, one day you'll look back at all of this and laugh! FRODO: Bloody likely... > "H-h-h-h-hob-hob-hobbit?" stuttered Ryouga. STRIDER: Let me guess: "in a quavering voice." FRODO: Tsk, tsk, cursed hobbit always get this far but fumble at the fiery letters... being Istar these days not as easy as it looks... > "Ancient legend say, hobbit must find special ring and throw into volcano. SAM: And *not* miss lava this time! > Is only way to break curse. Very strange legend, I thinking." STRIDER: Of course, fact that I thinking at all a miracle! > The Guide wondered how much more of this he'd be able to get through > before cracking up. FRODO: Because, you know, it's all very funny. Ha ha ha ha ha. > An entirely new horror spread itself across Ryouga's face. STRIDER: Self-spreading Vegemite! Gah! > "You mean I've ... I've got to _find_ somthing?" he said ... ALL: Wahh, wahh, wahhhhhh... > Probably not to be continued ... ALL: Huzzah! STRIDER: And, on two sound effects, we end our latest strange trip. SAM: No, wait... > ----------------------------------------------------------------------- STRIDER: "When Roger Ebert Took His Downers: A Cautionary Tale." > Angus MacSpon Allen Gainsford FRODO: Aww, you mean he isn't really named Angus MacSpon?! I've been living a lie! > http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/ http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/ SAM: That's all, folks! STRIDER: BWEE! [They exit.] [Door Sequence] [SoL Bridge. Frodo is alone.] FRODO: Well, today has only been moderately painful. I guess that's an improvement. Anyway, I hope the replicator is working again; I'm dying for some nice Hamdi - [He is interrupted by Ryouga, of Ranma 1/2 fame, walking onto the bridge from the left. The eternal lost boy stares about at his surroundings in awe until he notices Frodo.] RYOUGA: Ah! Excuse me, but do you know the way to Furinkan High - ROSIE: No! Elanor, honey, don't play with that bucket! It's full of - [Before anyone has time to say anything else, a bucketful of cold water hits Ryouga square in the head. He transforms into Drogo-Ryouga, a hobbit about twenty years older than Frodo. Since they're standing so close together, it's easy to see that there's a strong resemblance between the two.] DROGO-RYOUGA: - School? Water! Why does it always have to be water? You wouldn't happen to have any hot water handy, would you? FRODO: Well, um, I'm not sure, but I'm sure we could - Wait a second! I have a question for you! DROGO-RYOUGA: Hmm? What does that have to do with anything? FRODO: Everything! It's just, uh, I mean, how did you - why did you - why ARE you... DROGO-RYOUGA: Um... FRODO: Look, I know I'm not being very clear, I just can't put it all together! Why now? Why you? Why me?! It just doesn't make sense, and I was hoping maybe you'd know what was going on! DROGO-RYOUGA: Well, um, that's all very interesting, but I've really got to get to Furinkan High School so that I may utterly destroy the cowardly Ranma Saotome and capture the heart of the beauteous Akane Tendo... you know, the usual. [He backs away off left, eventually exiting.] FRODO: Wait! You can't just walk out... ... Dad. Look, Cambot, it's been a long day. I'm going to go lie down. [He exits to the right.] [A few moments after Frodo leaves, Strider and Sam enter from the left. In marked contrast to Frodo, they appear to be in pretty good moods.] STRIDER: Well, you have to admit, it could have been worse. I mean, the writing quality was good, and we really weren't involved at all. SAM: Point taken. Still, now I'm kind of feeling sorry for Fr - wait, where's Frodo? STRIDER: (shrugs) How should I know? [The Mad Light goes off.] SAM: The Clod Squad's calling. I'll get it. (He hits the light.) [Scene: Deep Under 13, in what appears to be the basement. Lobelia is facing towards the camera, while Lotho fiddles with something out of camera view.] LOBELIA: Greetings, outer-space zamboni racers! As you can see, we're working on a devious plan! LOTHO: Hmm... turn this knob that way... yeah... [SoL] STRIDER: Well, if it's so devious, why are you telling us? [Deep Under 13] LOBELIA: (scoffs) You ninnies should know it's not *really* devious unless someone knows about it. Anyway, at this very moment, Saruman is upstairs taking a shower. A nice, hot shower... LOTHO: Push that button... and twist... there we go... LOBELIA: And, while he's taking his shower, Lotho here came up with something utterly evil to do to him! Aww, honey, I told you that you had a natural talent for evil! LOTHO: Aww, Mom... LOBELIA: Lotho's little evil plan should be going into effect and wreaking havoc as soon as he finishes - LOTHO: There! Got it! That should turn the water heater off! Now, let's see... [There's a moment of silence, and then suddenly:] SHARKEY-CHAN: AAAAAAAAAAAH! LOTHO and LOBELIA: *There* we go! [They break down into snickering as the screen goes black.] LOTHO: Mom, am I evil yet? LOBELIA: You're getting there, honey. You're getting there. [The Love Theme begins, and we fade to...] BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! THERE'RE CREDITS! Middle-Earth Science Theater 3000, Episode 103: "The Quest Resumes" With short "A Short, Serene Thought" Original stories by Rachel Aaron and Allen Gainsford MiSTing by Amanda Van Rhyn "Mystery Science Theater 3000" created by Joel Hodgson "The Hobbit," "The Lord of the Rings," "The Silmarillion," and all other things pertaining to Middle-Earth created by J. R. R. Tolkien This MiSTing was done by the permission of both of the original authors. Thanks, guys! I recommend that the readers of this MiSTing visit the sites of the authors, the URLs of which were mentioned in the stories - there's some good stuff there. The Semi-Quasi-Pseudo-Hemi-Demi-Offician MEST3K page is located at http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Lair/1868/MiSTings/mest3k.html Special Thanks: - As usual, thanks be unto everyone who's waited so long for this dang thing to get finished. I'm a slow author, I know, but it's finally done. Hopefully it's worth it. - Spider gave me the wording of the Team Rocket Chant. It appears basically as he told it to me, with few edits of my own. If it's wrong, it's his fault. ;) - Katie Simpson was of great help throughout the process of MiSTing this, whether it was by offering her art services to a yet-theoretical MEST3K graphical MiSTing series, letting me use her scanner, or contributing sarcastic remarks about the phrase "For some reason, I feel an inexplicable urge to don black robes." Without her, this MiSTing would probably be here; it'd lack, though. - Finally, I'd like to thank Austi for making his valiant effort to combat his handicap, namely, an inability to reply to e-mail. Keep fighting! Be strong! [Disclaimer: "Mystery Science Theater 3000" and all characters, settings, situations, or anything thereof is (c) Best Brains Inc. All stuff Middle-Earthy is (c) J.R.R. Tolkien and/or his estate and/or whoever owns the copyright now. Ranma 1/2 is (c) Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan, Inc., and Viz Communications, Inc. All other copyrighted stuff is (c) its owners. All rights reserved. No copyright infringement is intended: I don't own any of these things and never will. Please don't sue me; you wouldn't get anything. No offense is meant to anyone. This was done in the spirit of fun. All characters, places, or situations mentioned anywhere in this MiSTing or the fanfics themselves are either fictitious or used fictitiously. All resemblance to reality is coincidental. Do not read this MiSTing while operating heavy machinery.] [Legal Stuff: This MiSTing of "Tail" is (C) Amanda Van Rhyn and Fevered Little Minds Productions, 1999. This MiSTing can be freely distributed provided you give me, Rachel, and Allen the credit we're due, contact me beforehand, and don't mutilate it. Meta-MiSTing isn't mutilation if you ask me first. Post this at any archive, anywhere; I couldn't care less about your Web site host or ISP. Do not fold, spindle, or submerge in water.] > He stared at the underwear in his arms, and then across at the radio. > "Ring or panties? Ring or panties?" he dithered. "How can I choose > between them?