"These words will cost ten thousand lives this day." Prince Edward, "3 Henry VI" =================================================================== Presenting "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER NIGHTS" by Nightbreak (A MSTing of a Power Rangers fanfic) Sailor Moon is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and those who distribute it. Any other anime characters mentioned herein are the property of their own creators, distributors, parents, and tennis partners. You know the routine. Mystery Science Theater is the property of Best Brains Inc. and other people who work with that show. All copyrights are respectfully theirs. I don't have any money, anyways. So I doubt they would get anything out of suing me. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (and all their incarnations) are property of Haim Saban (last I checked) and he is most welcome to them. (Please, keep them!) And, for the record, this is my first MSTing, fourth chapter. This is not meant as a slur to Joe Rovang. I really like the guy, even though I have yet to meet him. Simply put, volunteers were needed for a serious job. I volunteered. *evil cackle.* *SATELLITE OF LOVE, 2000 HOURS* Tom Servo looked up at the ceiling. "Gypsy, are we all set? Is the SoL in place?" Gypsy's voice came over the intercom: "Everything's ready, guys. Have fun, and good luck!" "She said it." Crow T. Robot chuckled. "Because this is gong to be a really difficult hole-in-one." Tom waggled his new 1-wood attachment and affected an accent. "Sir, for this hole, may I recommend the new rocket-powered driver? It has a range of up to. . ." He peered out, trying to calculate the distance. "Oh, who cares? This is going to be fun!" "Right. Shall we tee off?" The two 'bots took their positions. "Let's see . . . Head down, left arm stiff," Crow looked up. "Fore!" *WHACK!* The small white pellets soared up and away through the forcefield of the cargo bay, into the vast regions of space. "Fore!" *WHACK!* ` Ahead of them, the Earth spun slowly as the Satellite of Love matched its orbit exactly. "Fore!" *WHACK!* These were special golf balls, carefully designed to withstand the heat of re-entry into the Earth's atmosphere. "Fore!" *WHACK!* And they were all aimed at one specific target. "Fore!" *WHACK!* Finally, Tom and Crow paused in their barrage and leaned on their clubs. "So, when do you think we'll see the fallout?" Tom asked. Just then, the Mads light began flashing. Crow laughed and teed up another shot. "I'd say. . . right about now. Fore!" Up on the bridge of the Satellite of Love, Joel was setting up his latest invention. Idly, he wondered what his two robot creations were up to. He had seen them earlier, heading for the cargo bay in an incredibly good mood. He hoped they weren't getting themselves in trouble. . . He looked up in time to see the red light flashing. "Guys!!!" he called, "Better come up. Kid 'N Play are calling!" *DEEP 13* D. Forrester growled in annoyance at the banging on the outside of Deep 13. He had no idea what was hitting them, but he also had a sneaking suspicion that Joel's little friends were involved. Then he blinked as a white blur shot past his face. "Frank! Shut the door!" "I can't, Dr. F.! The motor's jammed! Oh no. . . Duck! Another missile flew by, ricocheting around the laboratory. Then a loud *CRASH* echoed as it smashed into Dr. Forrester's new invention. In shock, Dr. F. reached into the twisted mass of metal and glass and plucked out. . . a golf ball. Shaking with rage, he turned it over in his hands, ignoring the heat. There, on the pockmarked surface, was a small red "T". With a whimper, Dr. Forrester stumbled backwards. It had been his finest invention to date. One that would most have certainly put him in the Mad Scientist Hall of Fame. He whirled and stalked towards the button. "So, they like fun and games, do they? Well, I can play as dirty as anyone in this type of game. Frank! Hold off on that door for a minute and break out the Sequel files! It's time for Joel and his Bargainville 'bots to get another taste of pain." He stabbed the button with a vengence. "Come in, Joel, and bring those two scrap-metal collections that you're so fond of!" *SATELLITE OF LOVE* Crow and Tom arrived on the bridge, chortling gleefully. Then they stopped as they saw a beet-red Dr. Clayton Forrester on the viewscreen. "Hey Doc., how's the weather down there?" asked Tom, hovering up to face level with the viewscreen. Dr. Forrester stepped back from the camera. "Oh, things are just fine." He smiled briefly. "By the way, did one of you boys perhaps drop this?" *This* was a golf ball, which he was tossing into the air and catching again. Crow shrugged. "Can't really say. There's a lot of those up here. We might have misplaced a few." "I see. So you enjoy golf? Putting or driving?" The two 'bots looked at each other. "Depends." they chorused. "Well, I like driving myself. And what I like driving most is all of you completely insane!" He tossed the ball carelessly over his shoulder. "Thanks to your two Tiger Woods wannabees up there, Joel, I'm afraid I'll have to cancel the invention exchange for today." Joel looked down. "But sir, what about my rainbow bread, with all of the colours?" "You'll have to save it for next time. Ah, Frank. . ." Just then, Frank trod on the golf ball that was still rolling across the floor. With a backflip followed by a twist and a half, the fanfic went up and Frank went down. The papers sailed gracefully through the air to land in Dr. Forrester's hands. As he read the title, another small smile flickered across his features. "If you though you were stuck in a sand trap before, this little piece will make it feel like a quicksand trap! It's part 4 of RANGER MOON by Joe Rovang. Your eagle awaits, my dears!" The channel closed. Joel eyed his creations. "And what were you two doing to make him so mad today?" he asked quietly. The 'bots were saved from answering. Loud applause started coming from all directions. The usual orderly chaos ensued. All: Ohhhhhh, we've got ROVANG SIGN!!! Crow: Bogey, bogey, bogey! Door 6: *Snap, Crackle, Pop!* Door 5: *I've Fallen, And I Can't Get Up!* Door 4: *Ping!* Door 3: *Clunk!* Door 2: *Cha-Ching!* Door 1: *Let Us Pray. . . * Carrying Tom in his arms, Joel enters the theatre. Crow follows, taking the seat on the far right. Joel sits on his left and puts Tom down on the third seat from the right. Joel: Hey, anyone want a sandwich? Red and Green bread is quite festive. 'Bots: Uhhhhh, no thanks. ROLL 'EM! RANGER MOON by Joe Rovang (jrovang@mindspring.com) Crow: "Com"e on down to the Mindspring and get a free brain! Joel: Our fanfic authors don't use them, anyways. (Please see the introduction for disclaimers and such.) Joel: Such? Crow: "Such". An adjective, meaning "of that kind." Tom: Maybe he means "SUCKS" as in "This fanfic. . ."? Joel: Tom, be charitable. Ranger Moon #4 All: On The Floor. - "Secrets Revealed" Tom (reverb): Secrets (secrets). . . Of (of ). . . The Universe (verse). . . Deep within Queen Rita's castle on the moon, Joel: No one could breathe. a small, dark chamber served as the personal quarters of the Netherverse general known as Barite. Tom: Next door was the personal quarters of the artist formerly known as Prince. As Barite paced up and down the length of the chamber, he Joel: Wore a hole in the floor. cursed Ranger Moon under his breath. Tom (Barite): Rassa-frakin' kid. Stupid, cute teenager with attitude. "If I never see that abominable brat again, it will be much too soon. Will I ever get her out of my hair? Joel: Have you tried using a medicated shampoo? Just as I think I have her, that Whitelight Knight shows up and saves her! He's always coming to her rescue! I'll bet she would do anything for him..." Crow: Well, almost _anything_. Suddenly, the general stopped dead in his tracks Tom: Whoops. Darn cheap pacemaker. and grinned wickedly beneath the darkness of his hood. "Oh, wait, this is perfect!" Crow: No, no, wait. Tilt it a little more to the left. There. _Now_ it's perfect. He gave a hearty laugh. Joel: Arrr, me hearties! "All I need is a favor from Pyrite..." Tom (sarcastic): Oh yeah, like you're going to get that anytime soon. The sun shining on Kimberly's face through her bedroom window slowly Crow: gave her skin cancer. brought her back into the waking world. She groaned and stretched. Kat, curled up at Kimberly's feet, was still asleep. Joel: Geez, cats sleep like 23 hours a day! Kimberly rubbed her eyes and sat up. As she opened her eyes, she saw kleenexes everywhere. Crow: Must've been one big honkin' sneeze. On the floor was an empty kleenex box, and on her bed the phone was off the hook. Tom: Either that, or the phone's got a cold. She had been up quite late on the phone, crying to Billy until late at night about Tommy standing her up. Joel: Then she cried about him lying her down and. . . 'Bots: JOEL! Joel: Whoops. I'll have to discipline myself later. She gently hung up the phone Tom: Cradling it carefully. (Joel and Crow groan.) and looked at her digital clock, only to find the display blank. "The power must still be out," Kimberly thought. Crow: That's a plus. No power, no Power Rangers. Still not quite fully awake, she got up and walked over to her desk. She opened a drawer and pulled out a pink wristwatch and checked the time. Kimberly gasped. "Oh my gosh!!" she squeaked. "I am sooooo late!!" All: I'm late, I'm late! As she began to get ready for school at an unprecedented rate, she told herself, "I'll be lucky if I'm on time for lunch!" (All chuckle) Tom: Can't miss that, now can we? Joel: Must be the Monthly changing of the Meatloaf. Kat slowly lifted her head and watched Kimberly prepare for school. She was quite impressed Crow (Kat): I didn't know mace cans came in pink! - she thought only cats could move that fast. Tom: Nah. Only when they're being chased by something big, ugly, and with lots of teeth. Crow: Or Oscar in a strange mood. Joel: Crow, don't say that name again! Kimberly bolted out of her bedroom and dashed toward her front door, grabbing her pink bookbag on the way out. Joel (Announcer): And welcome to the 100 metre dash for people who are Extremely Late for School. Ready. . . Tom: Set. . . Crow: GO! "Bye, Mom!" she yelled, reaching for the front door. Joel (Announcer): This is amazing! She's already inches away from the finish line! We could have a new world record, folks! "Where are you going, honey?" her mother asked from the living room. Kim's hand hovered over the doorknob. Tom: While the rest of her body was still in the bathroom. "I'm late for school!" "No you're not," Mrs. Hart replied. "School's closed until the city gets the power back on." Crow: Ladies and Gentlemen, the impossible has just happened. A high school has closed because of a lack of electricity. The end of the world is at hand! Tom (Deanna Troi): I sense . . . great sarcasm. Kimberly sighed and dropped her bookbag where she stood. Joel (Announcer): Oh! And with that move, Kimberly Hart has eliminated herself from the race! Give her a big hand, though, folks. "Then I got ready for nothing," she groaned. Tom: Not true. You got ready in order to move a slow story along. Crow: She's moved it about an inch. She walked into the living room, where her mother was sitting with a battery-powered radio. "...And in other news," the reporter on the radio said, Joel: A man and two 'bots were seriously bored. "the city of Angel Grove is without power for a second day. Crow (reporter): Therefore, since everything at this station is run by electricity, this broadcast is not happening. According to employees at the Angel Grove power plant, an attack on the plant by a mysterious figure in a green cape Crow: It was some enviro-freak wacko! was foiled by a man-and-woman duo whose identities remain unknown. Joel: It was the Bodydonnas! ('Bots snicker) After chasing away the would-be terrorist, the mysterious heroes 'flew into the sky', witnesses claim." Tom (reporter): Police do not believe a word of this and the management of the power plant is conducting extensive drug tests on its employees. The reporter continued, "For the citizens of Angel Grove, this story is all too familiar. Joel: Sure is. They finally got rid of those annoying Power Rangers, only to suffer an infestation of Ranger Scouts. Tom: Must be a Scout Jamboree in town. Late Saturday night, a similar incident occurred in the middle of downtown Angel Grove. Crow: The witnesses were a crowd of drunken fraternity boys. When an individual described as a large man in a suit of gold armor began ransacking buildings and vehicles in the city's business district, Crow: The Loony bin had a field day rounding up people with nets. a young woman calling herself 'Ranger Moon' saved the day by chasing the vandal away. Tom: And she turned the hose on him for good measure. There was only one eyewitness to this event, a young man by the name of Crow: Chris P. Lettuce. Tom: Marshall Artz. Joel: Dee Jenrette. Jason Lee, grandson of the founder of the Lee School of Martial Arts. Lee was questioned by the police concerning this occurrence and has been Crow: beaten cruelly until he confessed to anything they demanded. released as statements from power plant employees add credibility to his story. Tom: This is. . . "The Edge of Credibility". Power plant officials state that Angel Grove could be without power until Thursday." Joel: Better get that meat out of the freezer. "Goodness," Mrs. Hart remarked. Tom: Goodness? Your power's out, you've got a maniac loose that rips up cars like tissue paper, and your daughter's heartbroken, and all you can say is "GOODNESS"?? (Begins to shake) Joel: Whoa, Tom! Calm down, little buddy. We've barely started! There was a knock on the front door. Kimberly went to the door and shoved her bookbag aside with her foot. Joel: Boot to the bookbag! 'Bots: NYAHH NYAHH! Joel: Boot to this fanfic! 'Bots: NYAHH NYAHH! She opened the door to see Crow: Ahhh! Death! Tommy. Tom: No, Grandpa. That's Tommy. Crow: Oh. Ahhh! Death! Tom: Grandpa, that's only Kat. He wore a white T-shirt and white jeans with tennis shoes, Tom: What's up, white boy? and he held a bouquet of fifteen white tiger lilies. Tom: White Tiger Lilies. Pay up, Crow. Crow: No way! He smiled weakly. "Hi, Kimberly." Joel (Tommy): Whatever you do, don't order today's special at the Roadkill Cafe. Kimberly stared at him, not knowing what to say. Tom: How about "You stood me up, forced me to go whining to Billy, and now you want everything to be okay? Forget it! *SLAM!* Crow: Sounds like fun. Do it, Kim! "Hi ... Tommy..." she finally stuttered. "These are for you," he said as he handed her the bouquet. "I'm so sorry I Crow: Haven't committed suicide yet. Tom: We're sorry, too. couldn't make it to our date." She looked down at the flowers. "Thanks," she said softly. "Can I make it up to you?" he asked. She looked up into his eyes. Joel: Back through the retinas, up the optic nerves, and straight into the brain. "I was thinking we could take a walk in the park," he told her. Crow: Feed the ducks, throw stones, throw stones at the ducks . . . Joel: Crow. . . A smile began to form on her lips. She answered, "Sure. Just lemme put these flowers in some water." Tom: Whitewater? Joel: Don't go there, Servo. She opened the door the rest of the way. "Come on in." He walked into her house and looked around. Crow (Tommy): Let's see . . . Wall safe, hidden cameras, bear traps. Nice place. As Kimberly shut the door, Mrs. Hart walked in from the living room. "Oh, hello..." Mrs. Hart said to Tommy. All: Helloooo! "Hi," he replied. "Mom, this is Tommy," Kimberly said. Tom: Howya doing? Crow: Pleased to meetcha. "Tommy, this is my mom." Crow: Pleased to meetcha. Tom: Howya doing? Tommy smiled and nodded a hello. Mrs. Hart thought of the previous morning, Joel: When the fridge was still working. how Kimberly had been so excited about her Crow: Spice Girls audition. date that afternoon. Then, when Kimberly had come home late in the afternoon, she was awfully upset about something, but she didn't want to talk about it. Tom: Her Ranger skirt wasn't short enough to make the cut. Tommy had done something bad, Mrs.Hart guessed. Tom (Game Show Host) *DING!* That's correct. Do you wish to continue playing? And now he brought flowers. He must have screwed up royally. Tom (Host): *BRRRRING!* Yes, you're a winner! Enjoy your trip out of this fanfic! "Nice to meet you," she said with a smile. Crow: I am Mrs. Hart. You hurt my daughter. Prepare to die! "We're gonna go to the park, okay, Mom?" Kimberly asked. Joel: Since there's nothing else to do in this one-park town! "Oh, sure," Mrs. Hart replied. "Just don't stay out too long. Crow (Mrs. Hart): Or I'll have to send my "boys" out to bring you home and break Tommy's arms. You don't want to get sunburned!" Joel: Or else you really will be the "Pink" Ranger Scout. Kim smiled. "I'll be right back," she told Tommy as she headed down the hallway and stepped over Kat, who sat in the middle of the hall staring at Tommy. Joel (Kat): All right! Someone who's allergic to cat hair. Come here, sucker. He looked at the cat and smiled. Joel (Jacques Clouseau): Does your cat bite? Crow (desk clerk): Nope. He approached Kat and crouched to pet her. Joel (Clouseau): Nice kitty. As he extended his hand, Kat hissed and retreated into Kimberly's bedroom. Joel (Clouseau): Ow! I thought you said your cat did not bite! Crow (desk clerk): That is not my cat. Tommy stood up and smirked. Joel: Must be that new cologne of his: Eau De Rottweiller. In her room, Kimberly took the single flower the Whitelight Knight had given her on Friday night out of its vase and inserted the bouquet Tommy had given her. All: (Deep Breath) As she slipped the first flower into the middle of the other flowers so that it stuck up a bit higher than the others, Kat jumped onto the bed. Tom: Causing it to collapse. Crow: Time to put fat Kat on a diet. Kimberly turned around and asked her, "What's wrong with you?" Joel: Too much catnip. Excuse me, I've got to visit my sandbox. "I don't like that guy," Kat told her. "Kat, did you see what he gave me?" Kimberly asked. Crow: He slipped me the tongue! Joel: Crow! "Albino tiger lilies. It's the Whitelight Knight, don't you see? Tommy's the Whitelight Knight!" Tom: Pay up. Crow: Bite me. Kat grumbled. 'Bots: Grumble, grumble, grumble. Joel (singsong): I hear grumbling! 'Bots (louder): Grumble, grumble, grumble. Kimberly threw up her hands in disgust. All: EEEEEWWWWWWWW! Crow: Next time she should just order finger foods. "Are you still dwelling on the fact that he stood me up? Crow: Against a wall and had a firing squad nearby? That means nothing! He's the Whitelight Knight! Tom: Pay up. Crow: Show ain't over yet. He was probably off fighting a forest fire, or getting a cat out of a tree!" Tom: Or accepting the Nobel Peace Prize. "Well, maybe the cat _wanted_ to be up there," Kat said. Kimberly sighed. "Bye, Kat," she said as she walked out of the room. Joel (Kim): Catch some mice while I'm gone, okay? Make yourself useful. Tommy smiled as Kimberly returned. Crow; Tommy boy is sure smiling a lot today, considering what he's done. He must've had some night. Joel: . . . "Bye, Mom!" Kim called out and she opened the front door. Tom: And ran smack into the screen door. "Bye, sweetie!" was the response, and Kimberly and Tommy left. Joel: Sign. Tom: Countersign. Crow: You may pass! As the couple walked down the driveway and onto the sidewalk, Tommy said, "Your cat doesn't like me." Crow (Kim): Oh, sure she does. She always tries to claw people's eyes out. It's her way of being friendly. Kimberly smiled. "Don't have hurt feelings. She's just weird." He chuckled. "Your mother's nice," he told her. Tom: She didn't throw you out on your butt for making her daughter cry. "Yeah," she said. "You didn't meet my little brother Sammy, though. Be glad." "Why's that?" he asked with another chuckle. Joel: Didn't she tell you? He turns into a werewolf on moonlit nights. "Oh, it's just he can be a major pest," she told him as they walked to the end of the cul-de-sac. "Where's your dad?" he asked. Crow (Tommy): I wanted to challenge him to a football game, mano a mano! She looked at him with a slightly startled expression. Tom (Kim): Funny, he was asking about you, as well. Only he was taking practice swings with his baseball bat. After a moment, she replied, "Well, he and my mom got a divorce a few years ago, and he moved to Florida." "Oh," he said Joel (Tommy): Okay, I'll shut up now. as they stepped onto a trail that led them through a lightly wooded area. They crossed over a wooden bridge Crow: Oh, please don't use those words! Tom: "Wooden bridge"? Crow: "Cross over". that was built over a stream tiny enough to step over. Crow: But was still stocked with killer piranhas. Tom: Sweetness barometer is rising! Joel, if we don't get some action soon, I'm going to lapse into a coma! The trail opened up into the park, and Kimberly and Tommy walked along the stone path that twisted Joel: reality. Like this fanfic. through the park. After a few minutes, they arrived at the lake. Crow: And proceeded to go skinny dipping. Joel: Crow! Tommy stopped and faced the sparkling water, Joel: Evian or Perrier? and Kimberly stood close to him. He looked at the water and said, "Y'know, Tom: I'm feeling a little thirsty. ever since I saw this place for the first time, I've wished that I could have someone special to see it with me." Crow: Nudge, nudge, hint, hint? She looked at him, eyes bright and a smile on her face. Tom: Look out. She's got measles! She hooked her arm around his and leaned her head against him. "I think I'm going to throw up," came a deep voice from behind them. Crow: Ah, a man after my own taste in fanfics! They twirled around and gasped as they saw Joel: Their marks for artistic impression. Pyrite. "What do you want, you gold goon?" Kimberly shouted. The beast grabbed Tommy by the wrist and jerked him away from Kimberly. "Just your little friend," Pyrite growled. Crow (Tommy): Not _my_ little friend! Joel & Tom: CROW!! He got behind Tommy and wrapped his arm around the teen's neck. Tom (Ring Announcer): Oh, he's got the dreaded Netherverse sleeper on Tommy! This looks bad for the Earthlings. Tommy's got to make a tag! "Ow, take it easy!" Tommy choked. Joel: Hey, bud? How about using some of that karate stuff you're supposed to know? "Tommy!" Kimberly cried out. Tom: Yes? Before her eyes, Tommy and Pyrite vanished in a burst of dark energy. "No!" she screamed, All: YES!! dropping to her knees. Just as tears began to well up in Kimberly's eyes, Tom: Or as Kimberly's eyes began to tear up wells. Barite appeared infront of her. She stood up angrily and growled, "You!" Joel: Are we going to spend the rest of this fanfic speaking in one word sentences? "Hello, Kimberly," he said. All: Hello! "Why don't you go ahead and transform into Ranger Moon?" Crow (Barite): I'll stand here and watch to see if DIC does a cheap nudity coverup. Kimberly scowled defiantly at him but then realized that she should probably follow his suggestion. She looked around and touched her Zeo Shard. All: Ouch, owie, owie, ouch!! "Moon ... Zeo ... Power!" Crow: Joel, can we? Joel: Go ahead. 'Bots: WONDER TWIN POWERS. . . ACTIVATE! Pink light transformed her into the pretty skimpy-suited warrior Ranger Moon. Tom: Before, she was just the ugly, pink sweatsuit-wearing student Kimberly Hart. "What have you done with Tommy?" she asked the general. Crow: Dig a hole six feet deep and you'll find him. "He's in the Netherverse now," he answered. Joel: He's in the Army now! "His only hope..." He waved his hand, and a swirling black hole in reality Joel: Otherwise known as a Power Rangers fanfic. opened beside him. "...is for you to go in after him." He told her, "The choice is yours, Ranger Moon," (All hum the theme from Jeopardy.) and stepped into the portal. Kimberly clenched her fists. There was only one thing she could do. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, Tom: And began screaming her head off. and jumped through the portal. A dimension away, Crow: Which is close to a hop, skip, and a jump away. Kimberly collapsed onto a hard, rocky ground. Joel: Look out, guys. We're back in Rockyland. She groaned and looked around. She was in a long tunnel which curved downward in the distance, Tom: Looove the decor. Early Earthworm? and behind her was the portal through which she had passed. An eerie light dimly lit the passage from no direction in particular. All (ghostly noises): OOOOOOOO! OOOOOO! Kimberly weakly stood and began to walk down the dark tunnel. Crow (Kim): Just my luck that the people mover is down today! After she had walked for several minutes, she stopped, getting the feeling she was going in circles. Tom: That might explain the dizziness. As she looked around, she felt a faint pressure beneath her boots. Joel: Oh, a foot massage. How nice. Suddenly, something burst forth from the ground, and Kimberly jumped forward. As she landed on her face, Crow: Good thing her makeup doubles for a protective mask. there was a thunderous crash behind her. She looked back to see an enormous spike of solid ice jutting from the ground, impaling the ceiling. As Kimberly scrambled to her feet, the spike slowly sank back into the ground. Kim ran further down the tunnel. Joel: What is this, Super Mario Rangers? She suddenly stopped as she caught sight of somebody coming toward her. The figure did the same. Tom (imitates sound of spurs clinking): It's high noon, Miss Kimberly Kim tilted her head and tried to see who it was in the dim light, and the figure tilted its head as well. Crow: Around here, it's monkey see, monkey do! Kim sighed with relief as she realized it was her own reflection. She walked closer and examined it. Joel (Kim): Hmmmm. Skirt's a little short. . . WHOOPS! It was a flawless mirror, Kimberly thought. Tom: No messy streaks or unsightly fingerprints. If it weren't for her reflection, she wouldn't have known there was a mirror there. Tom: Uh, if she hadn't seen her reflection, would that have meant she was a vampire? Kim reached out to touch the mirror. Crow: Don't get too close, it may bite! Her fingertip made contact with the fingertip of her reflection. Suddenly, the reflection's hand grabbed Kimberly's wrist. Kimberly shrieked in terror, and the reflection pulled her forward through the mirror that wasn't there, Joel: Huh? sending Kim crashing to the ground. Tom: Just like Windows '95 Kimberly looked up at the duplicate Kimberly standing over her to see Crow: Right up her skirt. Joel: Crow! the duplicate aiming the Crescent Moon Bow down at her! Tom: Hey, no fair! She didn't call out "Crescent Moon Bow!" Kim rolled aside just as the duplicate released the arrow, striking the ground inches from Kimberly's head. Kim looked over at the arrow, but both it and the duplicate were gone. Joel: Freaky. She stood up and brushed herself off. Crow: Make sure to get all the sand out of . . . Joel: Crow. . . Crow: . . . your boots. (Looks at Joel) What? In the main chamber of Rita's moon castle, Barite stood before the queen. "Barite," she sighed, "why are you toying with her?" Tom: Because, it's fuuuuun! "I'm wearing down her resistance, your majesty," he answered. "Once she is physically and mentally exhausted, it will be child's play to Crow: Get her to date me! Tom: Has anyone passed this info onto Kunou? make her surrender the Moon Zeo Shard." Far ahead, a red glow could be seen. Joel: It's a bonfire. Break out the weenies and the marshmallows. Tom: Well, we've got one weenie already: Billy. As the light intensified, Kimberly could hear a distant rumbling that sounded like Tom: Indigestion? an angry dragon. The temperature began to climb, Joel: It wanted to scale Everest, just like the rest of the world. and the entire passageway soon covered in a red light. Crow: Cover in red light and bake for fourteen minutes at high heat. Far off in the distance, Kim saw a flickering light that was slowly growing brighter. Joel: Hey! Could someone replace that broken neon light out there? The air had become thick and heavy, and the heat began to sting Kimberly's eyes. Tom: Oh, a sauna. How nice of them. As the light in the distance grew closer and the rumbling sound grew louder, she realized she was in big trouble. Crow: Yep. The 11:20 is right on time. Realizing there wasn't much she could do, she turned around to run and slammed into the Whitelight Knight. She gasped. Crow (Kim): You're as solid as a rock! Joel: CROW!!! "Get down!" he told her as he covered her in his white cape. Tom: Well, if you insist. (Both 'bots get up and start to boogie.) They both crouched down, their backs to the oncoming danger, sheltered beneath his cape. Joel: An asbestos cape. How convenient. The rumbling suddenly increased exponentially, shaking the passageway. Kimberly felt a sudden burst of heat all around her Crow: Uh-oh. Hot flash. Joel: Crow, you're almost at your quota of sick comments.. as an enormous ball of flame washed over the two teens. Then, all was silent. Tom: Except for the snapping, crackling, and popping as they roasted slowly. Joel: Guys, don't go dark on me. They stood and emerged from the protection of the cape, looking around. Joel: So, this is what the aftermath of a nuclear holocaust looks like. Neat. The rock of the tunnel had been scorched by the intense heat of the fireball. As Kimberly patted out a smoldering patch on the Whitelight Knight's cape, she said, "Whitelight Knight, how did you...?" Crow (Whitelight Knight): Keep us cool? I used Degree antiperspirant. "I sensed you were in trouble," he said, "so I came after you." Tom: What is he, her Imzadi? She froze as she felt her hair begin to lift up. Her skirt developed a severe case of static cling, Crow: Whooooo! Joel: One more, Crow. Then you call a halt or we use "therapy". as did the Whitelight Knight's cape. "What's going on?" she asked. Joel: You forgot to add the fabric softener. A crackling sound behind them answered her question. Tom: *FZZZT POP BZZT!* Joel: What'd you say? Tom: I can't translate it. You wouldn't understand with your limited human brain. Joel: Oh. . . . HEY! They looked back to see pulses of electricity hopping along the rocky walls. In the direction from which the fireball had come, a white light was now slowly building up. The Whitelight Knight held out his hands. Tom: Take these for safekeeping. I won't be needing them. "We've gotta get out of here!" he told her. Crow: Hey, you're the Whitelight Knight. _That's_ a white light. Do something! No sooner than Kimberly had placed her hands in his, they flew off down the tunnel, soaring two feet above the ground at a blinding speed. Tom: *static* This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard Whitelight Airlines. We will be travelling at a height of about two feet today. Our destination: Outta here. Please fasten your seatbelts and have a nice flight. *static* . Over the whistling of their flying, Kimberly could hear the air being ripped apart behind them. She looked back to see a bolt of lightning tearing its way toward them and gaining fast. Crow: Cool lightning. Wonder if it's greased? "Brace yourself!" the Whitelight Knight yelled. Joel: This is your captain speaking. We're all going to die. Thank you. She turned her head forward just as they plunged through the dark portal at the end of the tunnel and returned to Earth. Tom: You know, I have this strange feeling that they forgot something. Kimberly saw a flash of sky as their momentum threw them through the air. She let go of the Whitelight Knight's hands and spun around in midair. Crow: Yeah. Now that you mention it, so do I. Weird. As she saw the ground come up to meet her, she extended her legs Joel: Go-go Gadget Legs! and planted her feet firmly into the earth. Crow: And watered and fertilized them. A perfect landing! (All hold up signs: Joel: 10, Crow: 10, Tom : 9.8) Joel: Tom, why the deduction? Tom: She sank up to her knees in dirt. Just as the Whitelight Knight made a similarly impressive landing, a bolt of lightning exploded from the portal and struck Tom: The clock tower with 1.21 jigawatts of electricity, enough to power the flux capacitor. a nearby tree with a deafening crash of thunder. Then everything was peaceful again. Crow; Except for the whizzing splinters of wood. The Whitelight Knight tossed a tiger lily into the portal, collapsing the gateway into the Netherverse. Joel (Kim): Wait! I left my lipstick in there! Tom: I still think that they're forgetting something important. "Until next time, Ranger Moon," he said and flew off into the sky. Crow: Please, don't let there be a next time. As Kimberly brought her hand up to her tiara to revert to her normal form, Tom: And much more comfortable clothes. Barite appeared. "Yet another of my plans ruined," he said. Crow: You gotta start making better plans. "You have wasted my time and effort, Ranger Moon." Joel: So I'm withhold your vacation pay. Kimberly assumed a martial arts stance, and the general removed his dagger from his cloak. Crow: Oh, stick around. Here comes the big fight scene. Joel (Kim): Ummm, Whitelight Knight? Now would be a good time for "next time!" As the ornate weapon gleamed in the sunlight, Kimberly could see that the design etched along the blade was that of a dragon. Tom: Amazing how you notice the smallest details when you're about to die, isn't it? Barite told her, "This is your last chance, Ranger Moon. Joel: You have three, no, four last chances! Hand over the Zeo Shard!" "Get real!" she replied. Tom: Ouch! More witty dialouge. Crow: "Get real", Californese for "Get bent." "Then farewell," he said calmly as he drew back the dagger to throw it. Tom: And bon voyage! Kimberly took a step back and shouted, "Crescent ... Moon ... Bow!" Crow: If I were her, I'd speed that up a bit right now. Tom: Nah. "CrescentMoonBow!" doesn't have the same dramatic flair. She aimed the weapon at the general. Just as he threw the dagger at her, Kimberly released the arrow. Crow: They both die. End of story. The two projectiles met in midair, and there was a brilliant flash of light as the dagger shattered into tiny fragments. Joel: Better break out the scotch tape. The arrow struck the ground by Barite's feet and dematerialized. "Nooo!!!" the general screamed at the top of his lungs, Tom: Meanwhile, at the bottom of his lungs. . . falling to his knees. He sobbed as he ran his fingers through the grass strewn with debris. He gently held several pieces in his hands. "No, stop..." Tom: Yes, stop the fanfic. Stop the hurting. As Kimberly watched in silence, she realized for the first time that Barite's hands were human. Not green and scaly, not purple and gooey, but flesh and blood. Crow: Just without the skin. Joel & Tom: EEEWWWW. "Don't make me remember!" he shouted. "It's too painful!" Joel: Please, no more Ratliff fics! No more! He clutched his head. "No!! Mom! Dad! Rita killed them!! She killed them! Everything Rita's told me is a lie! I don't belong to the Netherverse!" Tom: I'm a free agent. I work for the highest bidder. "Barite... can I help?" she asked. "My name is not Barite!" he shouted. "My name... my name is..." Joel: Wait, wait. I know this one. . . Don't tell me. He lifted his hands and began to pull back the hood which hid his identity in darkness. Suddenly he vanished in a flash of dark energy. Tom: Who was that hooded man? Crow: The executioner? The debris scattered in the grass flew together into a dagger-shaped mass suspended in midair and then vanished without a trace. Kimberly stared at the afterimage of the general which lingered in her eyes. She touched her Zeo Shard, and her outfit transformed from the Ranger Scout uniform back into her normal clothes. Joel (Kim): Well, another day, another death-defying adventure. I hope someday someone will write my story down. She sat in the grass and looked to the sky. Tom (Kim): You know, I still have this feeling that I'm forgetting something. . . Clouds slowly came and left, and a gentle breeze blew across the park. Crow: Oh, wait! I just figured it out. Joel & Tom: What? Crow: Think back. Why did she go into the Netherverse in the first place? Joel: Uhhh, she went to rescue Tommy, didn't she? Tom: Whoopsie. She left Tommy to the mercy of the Netherverse. Time passed. After nearly an hour, Joel: Kimberly suddenly realized what she had done. Tom: No, wait. Tommy's the Whitelight Knight. He's already escaped. Crow: No, he's not. And I say he's still in there! Joel: Guys. . . Kimberly stood and walked away in silence. Crow: As do we. Joel: Let's move out, guys. THE END. . . FOR NOW Joel picks up Tom in his arms and the three exit the theatre. *SATELLITE OF LOVE, 2150 HOURS* A lone spotlight shone on the bridge. Beneath its glow stood Gypsy, wearing a bow tie. "Introducing first, in this corner, representing Earth. . . They weigh in at a total combined weight of 75 pounds: Servo Moon and Ranger Crow, the Ranger 'Bots!" As Magic Voice piped in the simulated applause, the two robots danced in, Tom Servo dyed in his Ranger pink, Crow wearing his blue visor and waving his silver-wrapped staff. Both of them posed for Cambot. "And," Gypsy continued, "In this corner, weighing in at 190 pounds, representing the Netherverse: They call him "The General", Joel Barite!!" Joel entered, hands clasped in the air. Over his head and shoulders was a green blanket. Pointing at Tom and Crow, he sneered and drew a rubber dagger from his belt. "You're going down, Ranger Brats!" Tom and Crow looked at each other. "Double Team!" Crow swung his fake staff at Joel, who ducked underneath the blow, only to have Tom land on his head and knock him below Cambot's range. "PILE ON!" "AAUUUGGGHHHH!" *DEEP 13* Dr. Forrester grinned to himself. "Doesn't that look like fun? Well, enjoy it while you can, boys. You'll all bow to my evil genius soon!" "Uh, Dr. F.?" came Frank's voice, "You want to ease up a bit on that headlock a bit? I'm feeling kind of dizzy." "Oh, sure thing, Frank. Here, let me show you my new finishing move. I call it "The Lucky Stars". "Huh?" "You see, by the time it's over, you'll be lucky if you're only seeing stars." With that, Dr. Forrester proceeded to bounce Frank's head off the console a dozen times. On the twelfth hit, Frank landed on the button. *BZZZZZZT!* =================================================================== "O horror, horror, horror! Tongue nor heart; Cannot conceive nor name thee!" - Macduff, "Macbeth" =================================================================== Part 4 down. And watch out for new company on the SoL in the next chapter! As well, thank you to Best Brains Inc. for having the compassion not to drop a rock on everybody's hard work out in the Internet MSTing world. Very much appreciated. Comments, criticisms and such can be sent to cadz0001@algonquinc.on.ca. Bombs, Flames, and Power Rangers rants can be sent to me as well, but do carefully consider your actions before engaging in such practices. That's it. Have a nice day. Nightbreak