*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS* (And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain) (The future isn't what it used to be....) "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON THREE) EPISODE 23: RANMA KILLS! PT. 1 (A Ranma 1/2 MSTing) MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering my own ass here folks.... "Ranma 1/2" is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the distributors of her work. "Ranma Kills!" is the property of Sir Asayogure and he's welcome to it. I do not intend to offend him for making fun of his work like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of this as another form of C&C. ;) Warning: This fic contains scenes of extreme violence. (Cue "Mystery Science Theater 6.7 Love Theme" in 5....4....3....) It's the not-too-distant future, Last sunday BC There was this guy named Joel Not so different from you or me He worked at Gizmonic Institute Just another guy in a red jumpsuit He did a great job cleaning up the place, But his bosses really hate him So they shot him into space!!!! Joel: (OH....MY....GODDESS!!!) Crow and Tom: (IT'S MEGAMI-SAMA!) (Instead of holding messed up video, Frank's holding a computer printout) We'll send him crappy fanfics The worst we can find (lalala) He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind (lalala) (Instead of where it shows the guys watching the movie, it shows them ducking behind their seats for 'Artemis's Lover'.) Now keep in mind Joel can't control When the fanfics begin or end (lalala) Because he used those special parts To make his robot friends; ROBOT ROLL CALL: CAMBOT: 'Text only'? Gypsy: 'Oh, my!' Tom Servo: 'Sweet-o!' CROOOOOOOW!!! 'I'm not a hentai!' If your wondering how Joel eats and breathes And other science facts (lalala) Then repeat to yourself *It's just a MiST* You should really just relax for MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7!!!! * * * THE SATELLITE OF LOVE THEATER Crow: Come on, guys! Shake a leg! (Joel emerges from the light into the theater with Tom in his arms while Gypsy enters the theater from the left and rests her body on the back of a chair to Crow's left.) Joel: Hold your horses, we're coming! Gypsy: Has the show started yet? Crow: Nope, you're just in time, Gyps! (Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his own, Joel placed Tom down on one of the theater seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right.) Tom: Tell me again why you dragged me away from my underwear collection to come in here? Crow: Huh? Why? I already told you the reason! (Tom tilts his head in your direction a few times.) Crow: Oh...OH! Yeah! I guess I should explain it again just in case you didn't understand me the first time! *ahem* I called you all in here to check out the script for my new horror movie trailer! Joel: You wrote a horror film trailer, Crow? Crow: Yep! And with any luck, some producer with deep pockets is going to hitch his engine to it and make me one rich robot! Tom: Uh-huh. And are the words 'Vs. Soup' in the title? Crow: Geez, you're NEVER going to let that go, are you?! No, this is a film about something far more frightening. If all goes well, this film may very well make people forget that 'Blair Witch' thingy completely! So prepare yourself and behold the unholy terror of....'MONEY'! Joel, Tom and Gypsy: Money? Crow: And remember, no riffing on my trailer! You promised! *** Caption: "A CROW T. ROBOT PRODUCTION" Caption: YOU USE IT EVERY DAY.... (Shot of a nerdy looking guy looking down at the counter as he counts small stacks of money behind a teller's counter.) Caption: YOU NEED IT TO SURVIVE.... (The guy finishes counting the money and quickly, professionally, wraps rubber bands around the individual stacks and places them neatly in the drawer.) Caption: IT MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND.... (The camera slowly zooms away from the piles of money.) Caption: BUT NOW.... (The camera abruptly stops) Caption: IT'S FINALLY SICK OF YOU PEOPLE.... (The stacks of money suddenly burst forth from their rubber bands and charge towards the camera, shattering the lens.) Caption: THIS HALLOWEEN..... (Shot of a guy opening a jar of pennies and gagging as the pennies shoot up out of the jar and into the guy's mouth, suffocating him.) Caption: DON'T OPEN YOUR WALLET.... (Shot of a girl screaming as a bunch of 5 dollar bills leap out from her wallet and cling onto her face and hair.) Caption: DON'T DO YOUR TAXES.... (Shot of a guy walking into an H & R Block and looking shocked as the building is filled with dead bodies, bleeding from multiple papercuts.) Caption: AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.... (Shot of a woman looking up as a massive shadow looms over her.) Caption: DON'T CASH IN ANY CHECKS AT THE BANK! (An enormous monster, made entirely of coins and bills, leans in close to the woman from the previous shot and roars with the force and volume of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.) Caption: "MONEY" It's the root of all evil. (Shot of a beggar on the street.) Beggar: Could someone please give me some change? (A huge pile of quarters drop from above, crashing down upon and burying the beggar up to his neck.) Beggar: T-Thank you. Caption: Crow T. Robot's "MONEY" Starring BEN FRANKLIN ALEXANDER HAMILTON GEORGE WASHINGTON ABRAHAM LINCOLN And LEONARD NIMOY as the Canadian Five Dollar Bill. Producer Executive Producer TBA See: 'Producer' Cinematography Screenplay By By Scrooge McDuck Crow T. Robot Copyright 1999, All Rights Reserved. *** Crow: So, guys? What'd think? Is it the next 'Friday the 13th' or what? (Tom, Joel and Gypsy look at each other.) All (except Crow): BWAAAAAAAAHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! (Crow can only stare at his friends as they collapse into peals of laughter. Joel actually falls off his chair from his mirth.) Crow: Hey, you're laughing! It was supposed to scare you! Gypsy: O-Oh yeah, Crow, I was really terrified. Tom: Y-yeah, I c-can't think of anything more terrifying than the attack of the killer DOLLARS! HAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Crow: You....you guys wouldn't know horror if it jumped up your butts! Joel: Okay, okay, Crow, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to laugh at your work. It may not be scary, but it works great as a parody of those types of movies. Crow: R-really? You really think so! Gypsy: Are you kidding! It was a laugh riot! Tom: Yeah! You could be the third Zucker Brother! Though I guess that'd make them the Zucker Triplets....not really a show business name. Joel: Tom! Nice job, Crow. Crow: Gee, thanks, Joel! Thanks, guys! (Suddenly the Theater's P.A. crackled to life) Theater P.A: THIS IS SIMON. REPORTING THE TRANSMISSION OF A DR. CLAYTON FORRESTER AND T.V'S FRANK. YOUR PRESENCE IS EXPECTED. Joel: Wellllll, time to see what Ash and Pikachu have in store for us this week. Let's go, Crow. Gypsy: Can I watch the trailer again, Crow? Crow: Huh? Oh sure! But isn't it dangerous to keep Simon on-line for too long? Gypsy: No problem. I've got him on a special timer. If he doesn't shut down after an hour, his program is instantly deleted. Joel: Isn't that a little harsh? Gypsy: Tough love, Joel. Tough love. (Joel shrugs and follows Crow out of the theater....) * * * DEEP 13 "Well, well, if it isn't Sharon, Lois and Brahm. Let's cut to the chase, shall we?" Dr. Clayton Forrester smirked at the viewscreen while T.V's Frank strolled in to stand beside him, snacking hungrily on what appeared to be a lemon snow cone. "You may remember from our last experiment that we had some....technical difficulties with our homemade icebergs and thanks to that little IDIOT, Sasuke, we ended up with more ice and snow than we knew what to do with!!" Dr. Forrester snarled angrily. "So....rather than wait for all the ice to melt and DROWN that little pip-squeak, we decided to recycle it into....CRUSHED SNOW CONES OF DOOM!!!" Dr. Forrester proclaimed triumphantly. "It comes in many fabulous flavors, including Hawaiian Tropic Hydrochloric Acid....Pineapple Strawberry Banana Strychnine Blend....Tutti Frutti Eboa Surprise....and of course....everyone's favorite, Yellow....Snow...." Frank abruptly stopped eating his ice cone and put a hand to his mouth before rushing off-screen. The sounds of Frank ralphing in the background did nothing to diminish Dr. Forrester's grin. "What do you think, Smoel?" * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE "Huh? Oh yeah, you're just too evil for the room, Dr. F.," Joel replied as Cambot pulled back to show him putting on what appeared to be a pair of snowpants. "Well, sirs, my invention this week is for people who feel they have to constantly buy the latest fashion in pants, skirts, shorts and anything else that makes their lower body more enticing. "So I invented these, I call them 'Hot Pants' cause all you have to do is light them up like this...." Joel pulled a matchbook from his pocket and struck a match. "Oh yeah, these pants shouldn't be worn by anyone under eighteen by the way...." Joel added before touching the match to his pants. Immediately, they caught fire and traveled up Joel's legs only to stop at his beltline. "As you can see, the belt for these pants prevents the fire from going any higher than your waist and special padding inside prevents your lower body from getting burnt or sweaty. When you wear 'Hot Pants', it's almost impossible NOT to be noticed for your fashion sense! And if you like jogging late at night, these pants will let cars and bikes see you coming from five hundred yards away. What'd think, sirs?" * * * DEEP 13 "I think I'll pray for everyone at a party YOU get drunk at," Dr. Forrester replied sardonically. "Anyway, it's that time again, Joel. Your experiment this week is a case study on what happens when a fanfic writer thinks he's the next Stephen King and decides to drastically alter the character of one Ranma Saotome and stick him in a bad fanfic with the cast of 'The Hellcats,'" Dr. Forrester held the fanfic up to the viewscreen. "I bid you pain, Joel, with 'Ranma Kills!' by Sir Asayogure. Send them the fanfic, Frank..." Frank walked back over to the console, his face an unhealthy shade of green and looking ready to lose it again at any moment as he fed the fanfic into the console. * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE Crow was busy putting out Joel's pants with a fire extinguisher when alarms wailed and multicolored lights flashed. "OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!" Joel cried out, as he struggled to remove the 'Hot Pants' and rush into the theater. (Door 6: It slides open on both sides..) (Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you move on..) (Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.) (Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..) (Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and touches the door. The door vanishes.) (Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.) (Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor. You walk into it.) Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right. >[FFML] [Ranma 1/2][RAGE FIC/dark][C&C][draft] >From: Rnmalvsakn@aol.com >Message-ID: <496fc4fd.3598d66f@aol.com> >Date: Tue, 30 Jun 1998 08:13:33 EDT >Ranma Kills!_________________________________________________ Tom: ....his entire character. Joel: Yes, available now from the makers of such wonderful exploitation films as 'Human Guinea Pigs' and 'When Nature Attacks', comes 'Ranma Kills!' Crow: Must be a reader's participation thing. Fill in the blank of the person YOU'D like to see Ranma kill the most! >Authors pre-note: Joel: Wait! They're not ready yet! Give me a couple more minutes will ya?! >First of all I apologize for any spelling grammar errors as well as any >formatting errors, Crow: ....such as the ones seen above and the ones sure to follow. >if you are on AOL you will probably have to DL this thing >*shrugs* that's AOL for ya Tom: Yeah, when will AOL learn that people want their stories magically sent to them without having to lift a finger. I mean, really, get with it! >This takes place in a series of mine, Tom: .....numbing stories that'll you head spin off your shoulders, through the roof and into a low earth orbit. Crow: And no, you can't borrow it! It's MINE! MINE! MINE! Joel: This little series of mine....I'm gonna let it shine.... >this will be in part two of my as yet unnamed WAFF fic. series, Crow: Whatever. Tom: Warm and Fuzzy Fanfic? Heyyyy, did we accidentally get beamed over to the Satellite of Hate or what? Joel: Maybe it's a Care Bears Crossover with Pokemon and Furbies? Crow: Don't go there, Joel.... >since I know the WAFF thing kinda get's overbearing I had planned this >scene from the beginning. Joel: Aha! You had this all planned out from the beginning, didn't you?! Didn't you?! >As sort of a mushy relief/emotional outburst, this fic. Joel: ....could make Richard Simmons weep. Tom: Ooh, *there's* an accomplishment. >can stand on it's own though you do not have to read the previous parts. Crow: Yeah, but without the crutches, the fic's pretty much screwed. >WARNING, WARNING, WARNING!!!!!!! Tom: DANGER, JOEL ROBINSON! SUCKINESS OF FANFIC ALREADY APPROACHING CRITICAL LEVELS! WARNING!!!! Joel: Well, that's it. We were warned, guys. Crow: These stupid disclaimers have worn out their welcome.... >EXTREME VIOLENCE!!!!! Crow: Yeah, this fic does kinda make me want to hurt somebody.... >What follows contains adult language and situations it is no where near a >Lemon since as for right now I refuse to write one, Joel: Thank goodness for small favors. Tom: Again, may I offer my most sincere and humble apologies for the numerous grammar errors in the above sentence. I am filled with the utmost shame. >it contains scenes of VERY graphic violence and descriptions of a graphic >nature.... Joel: Show *and* Tell! Cool! Tom: Not as VERY graphic as the violence, mind you, but pretty darn graphic all the same! Crow: So this fanfic has actual pictures to go along with the text? >young readers ABSOLUTLY SHOULD NOT read this! Tom: But feel free to go on a murderous CAPS LOCK spree anytime! Crow: Take away the word 'young' and you have my feelings.... >This fanfic deals with what is to me, the single most disgusting thing any >man could ever do to a woman, Joel: Force her to watch an all night Stooge-A-Thon? Tom: Introduce her to the joys of blood soaked, bare breasted, gun toting, low budget, T&A action movies? >Rape. Joel: Oh. Crow: So this fic stars Sailor Venus then? >It also deals with the raw emotions that I hope would surge through the >minds of any human being if exposed to this, Crow: Emotional SURRRRRRRRRRGE!!! Tom: Yeah, fanfics like this tend to have that kind of effect on people. >and how Ranma deals with that. Joel: .....you don't wanna know. >Consider yourself warned. Crow: What? No WARNING! WARNING! WARNING?!? >C&C is not only needed but begged for! Tom: No, it hasn't. When I read an actual description of you begging on your hands and knees, pleading for us to give you our comments and criticism.... Joel: But then it'd be a self-insertion fic. Is that what you really want? Tom: Ick! Never thought about that! Never mind! >I need to know if I should tone this down a little since it will be going into >my WAFF series, or if it is fine as is, Tom: Uh....are those my only two choices? Crow: Nah, with a name like 'Ranma Kills!' how violent could it be? >also any help with spelling and grammar would be appreciated, All: We second that! >I have spell check but the dang things are not all that bright I tells ya! Joel: Cool, we're MSTing a fic by Popeye! >Flames will be printed out and fed to the fireplace monster ^_^ Crow: Just feed him this fanfic, that should finish him off. Joel: Come on, Crow, let's give it a fair chance. >_____________________________________________________________ Tom: There goes the last line of defense. We're on our own now. >*start* Crow: .....screaming. Tom: Surrounded by stars....must be an upstart. Joel: Nice of him to tell us that this was the beginning of the fic. Tom: Yeah, we'd certainly never have figured that out on our own. >Walking home after his second successful date with Akane, Crow: Whew! We nearly used up the 30 minute time limit that time! I don't think I could afford to pay the love hotel's hourly rate.... >Ranma was in a cloud of euphoria all to himself. Tom: Was it good for her? Who cares! It was good for ME! Crow: Sadly, it was only a matter of seconds before the cloud grew dark and burst forth rain that triggered Ranma's gender change. >She had , had to go back to the school to pick up some books she had forgotten, >so he had headed home to wait for her. Joel: He HAD to, man! He just plain HAD to! Tom: Little did Ranma know that Akane HAD simply made up that excuse because she HAD to secretly meet her other lover in another hotel. Though deep down she loved Ranma, there was no buts about it. She simply HAD to have them both! Crow: You don't mean....! Tom: Yep, Ranma's been HAD. Crow: D'oh! >Sauntering down the way, he was casually walking Joel: As well as strolling along, stepping lightly, moving steadily, you know, locomotion and stuff? >across fence tops mere inches wide. Tom: And the height could be measured in centimeters! >The day was just turning to night Joel: That's it. I'm outta here. I ain't sticking around for this.... Crow: This fic was shot day for night then? >with the sun sinking low in the west. Tom: ....thus setting Hollywood ablaze and frying all its inhabitants to a crisp. Joel: Burn, Hollywood, BURN! >Ranma decided to take a detour from his usual route and to walk through the park Crow: Ordering the hintbook as Ranma was too lazy to figure out how to get through the park maze by himself. >and breathe in the sweet Sakura scent Crow: Ah....Ah....ACHOO! Damn allergies! >and see the promise of the beautiful sunset. Tom: Isn't this a little OOC for Ranma? Crow: Well, maybe his *date* with Akane has put him in a more receptive mood, if ya know what I mean..... >Casually leaping over to the opposite side of the water duct over water that >had to be 30 feet apart Tom: 30 feet apart? What, did Moses pass through this duct recently or something? Joel: H-Hey! Hurry up and finish your damn description so I can land already! I can't hover in mid-air forever, ya know!?! >he landed on the opposite sides fence top. Crow: Thanks, but now I have no idea where I am! >And headed in a westerly direction. Joel: Damn compass needle...IT WON'T STAY STILL!!! >Ranma could barely feel his feet hitting the fence top he felt as light as >a feather. Tom: It wasn't until he looked down and noticed the fence a quarter mile below him that he began to panic.... >Finally reaching his turning point Tom: This fic could use one of those about now.... Crow: Time to start insulting my fanbase and wrap steel chairs around my best friend's heads! >He jumped to the nearest roof top in this way avoiding all Nerima traffic and the >associated stress that went with it. Joel: ....only to have the front wheel of Shampoo's bike flatten his nose as she dropped from the sky with a cheery 'Nihao!' Crow: Nerima has traffic? I've read all thirty-eight volumes and you see motorized vehicles something like twice. >He was not however bounding from roof top to roof top but simply walking >across them admiring the world and using all of his senses to their fullest. Crow: *THRILL* as Ranma WALKS around Nerima! Tom: INTENSE....STEPPING....ACTION! >Smelling the crisp late summer breeze Joel: .....Ranma gagged as the scent of a recently deceased skunk made its presence known. >and hearing the birds beautiful songs Crow and Tom: Haven't you heard about us? Don't you know that we're the word? >and seeing the world through the eyes of a man in love. Joel: You know, it may be slightly OOC, but this is kinda nice. Crow: Yeah, it's giving me a warm and fuzzy....uh oh.... Tom: Yep, ladies and gentlemen, we've struck WAFF! >Jumping down off the last roof-top Ranma hit the ground walking Joel: I'm walking....Yes, indeed....I'm walking.... Crow: Enough already, Ranma! We believe you're a man! You don't need to walk like one all the time! Tom: Anybody got any broken glass? >and continued to his favorite secluded part of the park an area very beautiful >and not very well known. Crow: That would explain how it's stayed very beautiful, at least. Joel: Is it just me or does EVERYBODY seem to have a place that's really beautiful but somehow nobody's ever stumbled across it? Tom: Well, beauty IS in the eye of the beholder, Joel.... >Almost there, he slowed down a little as something in the air >just felt, well wrong. Tom: It must be wrong if he's finally stopped walking. Crow: All right, who's the wiseguy that replaced the oxygen in this park with *helium*?!? >He could sense a fear, no not fear, terror someone nearby feared for their life! Joel: But isn't terror, technically, a form of fear? Crow: Nitpick, nitpick, nitpick.... >At least he thought so.....he heard no noise and saw nothing. Tom: Must be all in his head then. >To get a better look he jumped into the nearest tree All: Watch out for that....!!! Joel: AAAAAAHAAAHAA....*CRASH!* Ooooooh! All: .....treeeee!!! >and looked around, unconsciously heading to the same secluded area he >had been heading towards. Crow: Does that mean he's walking again? Ah, geez.... Tom: How does someone do something unconsciously, anyway? I mean, I've heard of sleepwalking but come on! >Everything seemed okay except for one detail, Joel: The sky had turned a blood red color and a gigantic gash had been ripped open along it, spewing forth unholy demons of hell.... Crow: Ah, why sweat the small details? >the birds were getting quieter the closer he came to his secret spot. Tom: Suddenly we're reading a Alfred Hitchcock script. >Almost to the rise of the hill that sheltered the area he slowed his progress, Joel: So he's just shuffling at this point? Tiptoeing, maybe? Crow: Maybe Ranma's ventured into Silent Hill? Tom: Great. And me without a Duel Shock Controller.... >quite annoyed that his good mood had left him so quickly to be replaced with >this feeling of dread and terror that something was telegraphing into him like >live electricity. Joel: Geez, did somebody strap Ranma into an electric chair or what? Crow: I thought it was someone else that had the feeling of dread and terror? Tom: I think we've all reached that point by now. >Unnoticed Ranma's fists started to clench and unclench on their own. Tom: Suddenly, they began pummeling Ranma with his own Chestnut Fist Technique! Ranma had no choice but to saw them off with a chainsaw and replace them with a spatula and a wooden bokken.... Joel: Come get some. >Reaching the crest of the rise still in the dense treetops Ranma's breath >caught in his throat. Crow: Unable to receive precious oxygen or release the carbon dioxide that continued to expel from his lungs, Ranma quickly died of asphyxiation. >There in the small clearing where the definition of what sprang to mind >when one thought of gutter trash of the dregs of society. Tom: A live taping of the Jerry Springer show? > Five of them, huge disgusting creatures, one could not really call them men >simply because to be called one, one must at least resemble one. Joel: Desperate to reclaim their former glory, The New Kids on the Block prepared to take Japan by storm.... Tom: Y'know, Joel, somehow I get the hint that whoever these guys are, the author doesn't want us to like them. >It must have been 90 degrees outside and Ranma was sweating in his light >weight Chinese silk shirt and the two layers of pants he wore of one water >proof the other light cotton. Crow: Mr. Saotome's wardrobe provided by Frederick's of China. Tom: And while this information does absolutely NOTHING to give you more information on the five creatures, I feel better knowing that you know what Ranma was wearing in this fanfic. >These creeps, they had to be in a gang, Joel: After all, what are the odds that five huge disgusting creatures would just HAPPEN to meet each other on the same night? Crow: Hey, I've heard those FCC guys do EVERYTHING together! >were all dressed in heavy denim pants and sporting black leather boots >as well as heavy leather jackets to go with the boots. Underneath their jackets >they all had on to various degrees of filth a torn or tattered white shirt. All of >them had unshaven faces and their greasy unwashed hair clung to the backs >on their necks. Tom: You know what the author is doing here? He's telling us that it's OKAY to hate these guys. Joel: I think it's more like he's telling us 'You MUST hate these guys!' I guess he expects us to cheer when Ranma uses his super-martial arts to rip their heads off. Crow: Yes, today's thugs, crooks and bandits wouldn't be caught DEAD in anything less than the finest leather garments, skinned from bad-ass cows and sewn lovingly into clothes with STYLE *and* ATTITUDE.... >All of these observations flew through Ranma's mind in half a second as his >mind assessed them. Joel: Um, shouldn't Ranma be more concerned with their fighting abilities than their appearance? I mean, it's not like the leather jackets and boots are going to fly off the gang and attack Ranma separately like a bunch of Pokemon.... Tom: Heavy Denim Pants! I choose you! >While they looked unskilled at any fighting art, most of them overweight or >not carrying themselves with any poise or grace they were heavily armed with >clubs and chains and other assorted weapons Crow: Wait! I've got it! It's the biker gang from Road Rash! >and their ring leader had what looked like a katana strapped to his back, Tom: Blade's here? Shouldn't he be hunting vampires? >they must be Mafia he thought to himself. Joel: Or vampires.... Crow: Wouldn't they be Yakuza? I mean, this is Japan, right? >Again these observations were flying through his head in mere split seconds. Tom: Hey, why not? They're plenty of room in there! Crow: Split seconds? Is this the same Ranma from 'Stellarcraft'? >They were all crowded around something and he couldn't quite make it out. Tom: ....a bar? Crow: ....big screen TV? Joel: ....bathroom? >Their smell was wafting up through the tree tops and Ranma was about to leave >for somewhere more pleasant ..." Crow: Yes, it's Smell's Angels! >They must have been the source of that feeling I got earlier.." he said to himself >unconvinced. Joel: If he can't convince himself, who can? >Turning to leave Ranma heard something, sort of a whimper. Joel: (author) What have I done? *whimper* What have I created? >Turning back he saw one of the guys bend down and raise his right arms, Joel: I pledge allegiances to the flags.... Tom: Evidently, this gang likes to hang around Nuclear Reactors as well. >fist clenched and then he slammed it into something, Crow: Uh oh, you don't think he.... Joel: No, Crow. >it had to have been something soft for Ranma heard no noise, only a low groan. Crow: Are you sure, Joel? Joel: Get your mind out of the gutter. >Curious now he turned back and was about to call out to them when his heart stopped. Tom: Ack! Damn....cheap....mail-order....pacemaker.....ugh. Joel: Geez, first his breath catches in his throat and now this. Does this author hate Ranma or something? >One of the gang members moved and the ring leader spoke. Crow: Hi, I'm Wally! You're in big trouble now, by golly! Joel: Cute, Crow. >"Are ya gonna give it up easy bitch or do we hafta do this the hard way?" >he sneered. Tom: Why are you even asking me? My powers are useless and my will to fight has been totally sapped! Geez, is this your first role in a lemon or what?!? Joel: B-but this isn't a lemon! Tom: Really?!? Well, in that case....VENUS POWER MAKE UP! VENUS CRESCENT BEAM! VENUS LOVE-ME CHAIN! DIE DIE DIE!!! BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! >Ranma's mind froze. All: Crow: ARRRRRGH!! ATE....ICE....CREAM.....TOO....FAST.... Tom: What's next? Ranma's spleen explodes?!? >There lying on the ground was a girl, couldn't have been more than 16-17. Crow: ....body piercings. Joel: Unfortunately, it took Ranma several years to process this information due to the aforementioned brain freeze. >As Ranma watched horrified, the man reached down and tried to >slip down the girls skirt, Tom: What is he think she is? A water slide? Crow: COWABUNGAAAAA!!! >dazedly she struggled with him still. "oooh look guys we have a tough one today!" Joel: Break out the monosodium glutamate! >He spat and reached into his pocket and pulled out an object... Crow: I hope it's a hanky to wipe the saliva on his chin. >a knife! "She won't be so tough once I cut off one of her ears. Tom: Hey, it worked on Van Gogh. Crow: Oh no! He's gonna give her the 'Mick Foley!' >Ranma's world froze. Joel: Oh good, now Ranma's brain won't feel so self-conscious. >Sound slowly filtered out as blood rushed to his head. Tom: So his ears filled up with blood? Ewww.... >His breath caught in his throat Crow: Again?!? Joel: Breathsavers may be a good investment at this point. >and a burning sensation started to flame in his chest and was rapidly >spreading through out his body Tom: When heartburn goes terribly wrong. Crow: Gee, I wonder if Akane's curry has something to do with it? >He was so horrified he couldn't move. Joel: Well, duh! His breath's caught in his throat, his heart stopped, his mind and world froze and his body caught on fire, what did you expect?!? Crow: Is it just me or is this Ranma kind of a wuss? >Everything went in slow motion next, Tom: Should the author save that technique for when Ranma does a spectacular stunt or delivers a particularity brutal blow to his opponents? Joel: Nah, it just doesn't work that well with text. Crow: This fic is rrrrrrrrreally.....rrrrrrrrrreally.... sssssssssssssssssloooooooow.... >the man raised his hand, Joel: Will this be on the test? >the knife glinting in the sun as his cohorts cheered him on, All: Yay.... >grasping the almost unconscious girl's hair with his free hand he turned >her head to cut her, bringing his arm down he moved to strike. Tom: Woah! Wait a minute! Which hand from which arm did what? Crow: Cut her, Mick! You gotta cut her, Mick! >Ranma had never moved so fast in his entire life, Joel: Shampoo-Neko picked the worst possible time to show up.... Tom: Fortunately, with the fic still in slow-motion, Ranma had plenty of time to get there before it was too late. Crow: All this scene needs now is the Blue Danube.. >barely registering the strange noise screaming in the background Tom: SAOOOOTOOOOMEEEE!!! GGGGGIVE MEEEE THEEEE PIGGGGG TAILEDDDD GIRLLLL ORRRR IIIII WILLLL SMITEEEE THEEEEE!!! >he leapt into the middle of them. Crow: *snap* Joel: ....accidentally landing on the girl's back and breaking her spine. Tom: Aw, nuts. >The man's arms was stopped short held painfully tight in Ranma's grasp. Joel: I learned that move from Frank Costanza! >The rest of the gang members had been knocked backwards as he leapt past them, >they lie stunned on the ground. Crow: That's what the gang leader gets for hiring the Neptune Men. Tom: Oh man, did you get a whiff of that guy?!? >Suddenly Ranma's world focused again, Tom: Great! So from this point on, the rest of this fic should be totally IC and canon, right? Joel: Hey, there's always hope, right? >he realized that that strange screaming noise had been himself , Crow: Ranma should lay off the Pee Wee's Playhouse reruns. >what had started out as the word No! Tom: That's not what I meant to write! Wait! Give me another chance! >Hard sort of lapsed into a primal sound like death itself. Joel: Wha....? Tom: You know, these analogies would be a lot more entertaining if the author had the slightest idea of what he was talking about. >He quickly shut up. Crow: Uh, sorry, I just realized that last sentence made, umm, no sense whatsoever. T-tell you what, I'll just....heh....write the fic, okay? >Ranma was, furious! Tom: That's right! If one more thing goes wrong with my body, I'm going to start kicking some butt! >Shaking with rage a new color of battle aura was forming around him, Joel: It was a nice shade of puce. Crow: Remember, it's not the size of the ki-blast, it's the color that makes the difference. >black as ebony it shut out light, and on it's rippling edges a crimson red >like blood was flicking wildly about like flames from a fire. Crow: Wow, this fic must have quite a budget for special effects like that. Tom: Yeah, 'Ranma Kills' is the 'Waterworld' of fanfiction. >Ranma was livid! All: Joel: I'm sensing some hostility from you, Ranma.... >Again this had all happened in a matter of seconds. Tom: So, what are we? 8-10 seconds into the fanfic now? >The would be attacker just stared stupidly at Ranma, Crow: He would be an attacker if he wasn't so dense. Tom: Duh.....tell me about the rabbits, Ranma? >the boy looked angry , Joel: The boy is dangerous....They can all sense it, why can't you? >not that he really cared he would kill this arrogant little punk in a minute. Crow: So I guess that means I've got about 40 seconds left of staring stupidly at him. Dum de dum dum.... >The boy was just staring at him grasping his knife hand tightly, Tom: Knife hand? Ranma doesn't use a knife that often, does he? And why is he gripping his own hand? Joel: I think he means the attacker. The fic changed perspectives abruptly. >so shrugging mentally Crow: Wow, his brain is so flexible! >he reached onto his back with his free hand unsheathing his razor >edged katana Tom: I'll bet he shaves with it too. Crow: Mach 3? Not for me! Joel: Wow, his wrist must be really LONG for him to reach behind his back while Ranma's still restraining his ARMS.... Tom: Maybe the gang leader's related to Reed Richards? >and in a fluid motion he brought what he thought would be a death blow >to the boys neck. Joel: Death from a hickey. What a way to go. >Ranma saw the movement, All: Viva la Revolution! >but his mind was still locked in his rage, Tom: For some reason I'm getting the feeling the author is confusing Ranma with Ryouga.... >he could feel the hatred and passion Tom: Passion?!? Crow: Yes, first I'll kill him then I'll make him my own! >and need to kill this piece of shit burning within him. Joel: Try stewed prunes. That always works for me. >As the katana bore down something long repressed in the expert fighter >shut down Crow: I think Ranma's long overdue for his yearly physical. Tom: Okay, what is it!?! My lungs?!? My liver? My butt? What's gone wrong with me now?!? >.......his reluctance to kill. Crow: Oh, now it's my characterization, huh? Well, that's just PEACHY.... Tom: Urge to kill....rising. >Ranma screamed. Joel: Let the blood sports begin. >He had caught the blade in his free hand. The edge had cut into his >palm and cleaved right into the bone. Tom: It's in the bone! IT'S IN THE BONE!!! >Furious his aura flared and he squeezed! Crow: .....the sharmin? Joel: Behold! A secret technique of the Amazons, passed down from generation to generation of amazonian warriors and recently taught to me by a master of the technique, Shampoo! Take this....GENOCIDE GLOMP!!! Tom: Wow! To think I've lived long enough to see that technique! >The blade snapped in two, both edges where broken had traces of blood on them, Crow: So this lousy fanfic ruins a perfectly good katana. Tom: We've got a bleeder here! >the other hand squeezed too Joel: GENOCIDE GLOMP!!! Tom: Man, all this squeezing, no wonder it's labeled a WAFF fic.... >and Ranma not only broke the mans wrist but crushed the bone into >almost a powder, Joel: Just keep that powder away from the author....he's had enough. >that sort of injury was very hard to fix. Crow: So remember, kids! Even though it may look like loads of fun and impress the hell out of your friends, crushing wrist bones into powder is *NOT COOL*! So don't do it! Oh yeah, and stay in school, don't use drugs, etc, etc.... >Whimpering the man fell down. Tom: Oh no! My wrist has been injured in such a way that it will take a very fine doctor indeed to repair the extensive damage that has been inflicted upon my person! >Ranma was about to finish him off when he sensed danger from behind. Tom: Oh no! It's that Aztec guy! He finally tracked me down! Keep that belt away from me! Joel: Finish him off? His wrist is a pile of powdered bone! Crow: Well it does seem silly to leave the other one untouched. Otherwise it ruins the matching set. >Twirling on his heel he managed to duck just as a heavy length of chain >whistled where his head would have been. All: >A blow that would have seriously wounded him or killed him. Tom: Gee, you think? Crow: And here I thought it would just give him a love tap. Joel: It's rare to see a fanfic that goes into detail about the consequences of inflicting injury *during* the actual fight scene. Crow: Hey, yo! That last punch that Clubber Lang threw at me didn't connect, but *if* it had, my teeth would be in my throat right now! >Rage possessed Ranma now. Tom: Yes, that's been ESTABLISHED! Crow: But despite all his rage, Ranma was still just a rat in a cage. >It owned him. Joel: All right! I got male-type Ranma! Now all I need is female-type Herb and the Dojo Master to complete my collection! Tom: Gotta Gotta Gotta catch em all.... >Giving his body in to the malicious impulses surging through him Tom: Here's my body, malicious impulses. Do what you will to it. Crow: Soon Ranma began fantasizing shamelessly about Kasumi in a sheer negligee, a most sexy and shy smile on her face as she slowly walked towards him, a cure for his curse in one hand and a champagne glass filled with ram chips in the other.... Joel: Crow! Snap out of it! Those are *lecherous* impulses! And they're *yours* to boot! Crow: Oh! Right! Sorry about that! >he began to fight. Joel: Oh, thank goodness, I thought he was going to start walking again.... Tom: Uh-oh.....Aw, SHOOT! Crow: What? Joel: What's wrong, Tom? Tom: The Daylight Savings Time function on my internal chronometer is off today by a few minutes.... Crow: Meaning....? Tom: Meaning, we've got about 5 seconds before we're supposed to come BACK into the theater after a break! Joel: Five seconds!? That won't even give us enough time to.... TO BE CONTINUED IN 'RANMA KILLS!' PT. 2....