This is a test of the Emergency Misting System (EMS). If ever an unmisted fanfic crosses into the internet, it will automatically be misted for your protection and enjoyment. STEVE: What is this, a birth control commercial? JAYNE: Don't even think it, Steve. We would appreciate it if the misting staff would not riff during their own introduction. JAYNE: Blow me. STEVE: You might want to rephrase that, considering I'm the one who wrote it. JAYNE: ... STEVE: Right... Anyway, you should know the deal. Normal folk shot into space, forced to view bad media, thanks to the evil Dr. Forrester, BOTH: Boooooo! who is using these "experiments" in order to find the one piece that will break our heroes' spirits. STEVE: Back-Door Boys? JAYNE: N'Suck? STEVE: Zero Degrees? JAYNE: Britney Deers-in-the-headlights? Ahem... STEVE: Pauly Shore? JAYNE: Rosanne? STEVE: Leo DiCaprio? JAYNE: Gallagher? STEVE: Hey, I like him... Guys... JAYNE: C-Span? STEVE: H.G.T.V.? JAYNE: Gap Commercials? STEVE: "Ellen" Reruns? Hello? JAYNE: Ratliff? STEVE: Dr. Thinker? JAYNE: M. Llave? STEVE: Oscar...? JAYNE: BOTH: GUYS!!!!!!!!!! BOTH: ... That's better. Now, since we're done with the introduction, shall we get on with the story? JAYNE: Only if we have to. STEVE: Might as well, considering I'll never shut up if we don't. ------------- AUTHORS- STEVE (Steven Sulzer): The Main Author of this series. Unstable, yet stabilizes friends. Thickly Bespectacled. Odd. Clinically Twisted Sense of Humor. Extrememly knowledgable about Music. Moderately knowledgeable about Anime (no internet and no money sucks!). Completely unknowing when it comes to turnip carving. JAYNE (Jayne Wenner): The Red-haired demon, has mood swings like Akane. Has list of boytoys as long as Ranma's fiancee list (or longer). Vegetarian, New Age Freak. Mind resides in the same gutter as Crow's. *** The authors have known each other for years, friends, but never romantically involved. (If you ask for a romance like Chris Carter gets bugged about Mulder & Scully, I'll kill you.) This was before they were ripped from their senior year in high school, and sent to the recently vacated Satellite of Love. Needless to say they'll _never_ sign up to be exchange students again. ------------- EMS Systems: Episode 1 Ran Wars, by Epsilon & Blade ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 1. Ranma 1/2, and all stuff associated with it, is property of Rumiko Takahashi. 2. MST3k, and all stuff associated with it, is property of Best Brains, Ltd. 3. Star Wars, and all stuff associated with it, is property of Lucasfilm. 4. Ran Wars is a work owned by the aforementioned Epsilon & Blade, whomever they are. This misting is just for kicks. I'm not trying to be mean. If you don't like the fact that I've MSTed you, tell me. It will be removed from the internet ASAHP. (Even though I have permission) 5. Any mention of random stuff is not an attempt to infringe on copyrights held by other people. 6. It's just parodies and fanfics anyway, lighten up! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Jayne sat. She sat and thought of her boyfriend Chris. Thinking of him was becoming more and more of a habit, as she realized daily that she was going to be stuck up here for a long time. She sighed. Steve came on to the bridge partway through the sigh. "Whawastha? Who's high?" "No, it was a sigh, you imbecile." "Still missing him, aren't you?" "YES." Realizing that that topic would get them nowhere, Steve changed the subject. "I still can't figure out why they call this the Satellite of Love. It's like the fates are conspiring agianst us to stick us together." His choice of subject was not a wise one. "Why aren't you constantly depressed about leaving your friends on Earth behind?" "I have friends?" "Dammit! Frank! Frank, where are you?" "Coming, boss." TV's Frank waddled up to Dr. Forrester, handing him a 3 1/2" disk marked "Frank's Favorite Fanfics". "Frank, what did I tell you to do?" "You told me to go get the worst fanfic we had onboard, so we could give the new kids a run for their money." "AND..." Frank shrugged. "We ran out." Dr. Forrester's mouth dropped open. "We RAN...OUT? How?" "Blame those "Shinji's Vault"-people. Joel's already seen our entire stock, and I can't seem to find anymore." Dr. F turned a shade of green similar to that of his lab coat. "But what about all those fanfics on the internet; people like... Ratliff?" Frank shook his head. "He's M.I.A., & alt.startrek.creative won't let me back on." Dr. F thought a bit. "What about," he said with a slight shiver, "Oscar?" "I haven't seen him on any website. Police reports of missing cats are kind of hard to find..." "Good Lord, what's a Mad Scientist to do?" "Anything he can, sir. That's why I found this disk of good fanfics, and picked one from there." "Frank, have you been using your brain or something?" Frank nodded. "Yes, and it hurts like crazy." Dr. F rolled his eyes and sighed. "I guess since you didn't find a fic to rot their brains, I'll just have to give them a *good* fic, won't I...?" Frank stopped thinking. "Well, that makes sense..." *WHAM* "What'd you have to hit me for?" "Because, Frank, you are an idiot. Get Ranma and Akane onscreen." "It's Steve and Jayne, sir." "Whatever." "...and we'll never see any of our friends again...Wahh!" Jayne was crying hysterically. "N-n-n-never! We're never going to get off..." Steve was also in hysterics. [a red light starts blinking] "...Steve?" "...Yes, Jayne...?" "What's that light mean again...?" "...Dry up, Starsky & Hutch are calling." " Don't you mean Dr. Forrester & that creepy Frank guy?" "Whatever." Steve pushes a button. Dr. Forrester appeared on the viewscreen. "Well, what have we here? A crying party? And I haven't even sent you two anything yet!" "What do you want, Forrester?" Steve was trying his best to look defiant. "Well, I'm just calling to tell you that the experiments are starting today." Jayne stood up. "Whoop-de-fricking-do. What's your point?" Dr. Forrester grimaced. "Look, did we not go over this a million times already? I give you bad media. You view it. I monitor your mind. It's evil, yes, but it's also my fricking job. I'm the mad scientist around here." He paused. "Today I'm going to go easy on you. You can all thank Frank later. But, as you will see, he has gotten you a fanfic to appeal to both your tastes. It's a crossover between Ranma 1/2..." Steve's face brightened considerably. "...and Star Wars..." Jayne's face brightened considerably. "...stuck in a blender set to Liquify." Both Steve's and Jayne's faces went pale. "It's called "Ran Wars, Episode 1/2", by Epsilon & Blade. You might enjoy this one. Might. Toodles!" Forrester turned around. "Punch it, Frank." "Sir, why do you want me to hit the fic...OW!" "It's so hard to find good help these days..." Steve turned to Jayne. Jayne turned to Steve. Silence reigned over the satellite for a few seconds. Then suddenly, every light onboard started flashing, accompanied by the sound of sirens all over the place. A small sign flashed, "fanfic" "AHHHHH! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!" Door 6: It's a model of Mt. Everest. You stick a toothpick flag on top, and it crumbles beneath you. Door 5: It's a High School Locker. Your combo doesn't work, so you kick it a few times till it opens. Door 4: It's the MCP from Tron. You kill him by sticking a frisbee in his neck. Door 3: It's a life-size version of the game Operation. After pulling out the guy's organs, nothing happens. You yank on the nose, and the game falls to the ground, permitting entrance. Door 2: It's the front door of a New Jersey video store. After waiting an hour-and-a-half, Randal shows up and unlocks the door. Door 1: You attempt to enter the theatre, but all you find is scaffolding, and several workers laying about. After berating them for being lazy, you find the unfinished door behind the port-a-potties. Jayne enters the theatre first, sitting near the middle, slightly to the left. Steve enters behind, and sits on her right. >From: chmcneil@upei.ca STEVE: Someone actually has internet access on Prince Edward Island? God help us all... JAYNE: U won't pei a lot, but u'll get a lot! >(We see space, JAYNE: Hate to break it to you, but you can't *see* space. >a dark, cold, lifeless mess STEVE: Oh, my room? >filled with twinkling stars. As we watch, the scene is suddenly filled by a gold shape. JAYNE: Gold...FING-ah! STEVE: Wah-wah-womp! JAYNE: He's the man! >We are too close to distinguish it, but it moves slowly >away from us until we can make it out as two words) > > RAN STEVE: Wasn't that a Kurosawa flick? > WARS > >(The logo fades away and we begin to see text scroll up from the >screen on an angle.) > > Episode 1/2 > An Old Plot JAYNE: 'An Old Plot'! Who'd a Thunk? STEVE: Make up your minds! Is it episode one or two? > The rebel alliance has suffered a major defeat with the >destruction of the planet Nerima at the hands of Darth >Saotome. JAYNE: I like men with big hands! STEVE: Jayne... > Now, the leader of the Rebellion, King Soun Tendo, >fights desperately to save the Alliance from the dreaded >Imperial Navy. STEVE: In the Navy... JAYNE: Don't drop your soap-on-a-rope! > In an attempt to place his daughter, Princess Akane, out >of danger, King Soun has sent her to the planet Tokyo >where she will meet the boy that Soun STEVE: Hey! It's *King* Soun, I'm not royalty for nothing! >arranged for her to marry long ago. > However, Darth Saotome has learned of this, and he is angry. JAYNE: I am Angry. STEVE: Hi, Angry, how are you? >He has his own plans for Princess Akane... JAYNE: And they included many long nights together. STEVE: Jayne... JAYNE: What? >(The words disappear into the distance. When they are finally >gone, a ship comes into view. It looks like a standard >Corvette STEVE: Wait, isn't a Corvette a car? JAYNE: Hey nimrod, they mean a Corellian Corvette... STEVE: So in Corellia, Corvettes are boats? JAYNE: No, a SPACEship. >except for the large dojo-like structure on top. JAYNE: Note that it's not a dojo, only dojo-like. STEVE: That means it LOOKS like a dojo, but no training goes on inside. >As we watch, the view zooms into the structure. STEVE: Help, we're being attacked by annoying talk-show hosts! >Inside, the place is decorated like a traditional Japanese home. We see a teenage girl, about sixteen years old, wearing a green >martial arts gi. JAYNE: Genius, there aren't any other types of gis. STEVE: Why Green? I've never heard of Green Gis before. JAYNE: STEVE: What? 'Green Gis' is funny? >Her blue-black hair is tied back in two donut- >like curls on the side of her head. JAYNE: Cinnamon Buns, dammit! >She has a rather pretty >face which is currently wearing a scowl.) STEVE: Well, it's obviously Akane, she'd be the only black- haired, gi-wearing, 16-year-old in the story. JAYNE: Her face picked out the scowl to wear today, tomorrow it might go for the look of confusion. >Girl: Stupid father! STEVE: Stupid Father! Stupid Mother! Stupid People! They're all going to pay, you hear me? You'll all pay!!!! JAYNE: Whoa...calm down, Steve... >(She karate chops a group of three bricks in front of her, they >break, sending chunks flying away. JAYNE: Girl Power! STEVE: Eww, gross, she flew chunks! >The girl begins to set up more bricks STEVE: All in all, you're all just bricks in the wall! >when a droid enters. It is designed to look like a young Japanese girl. STEVE: Where's the Knight Sabers when you really need them? >Her face is attractive, despite its metallic shine. JAYNE: The authors are racist against droids! >She has a large spatula attached to her arm. STEVE: She must be related to Ash. JAYNE: What's Pokemon got to go with this? STEVE: Nothing at all. >On the spatula is a steaming object that looks something >like a pancake. She approaches the girl-who looks up, still >scowling.) JAYNE: So the author is a one-eyed smiling person? >Girl Droid: Please, Princess Akane, you should be more calm. JAYNE: Whaddaya expect, she's a princess, and as we all know, princess equals brat. STEVE: Considering we *worked* with one in band, we should know... JAYNE: Mpfft! >Akane: Calm!? How am I supposed to be calm, Ukyou? My stupid >father has engaged me to some...some boy! STEVE: I wouldn't be so sure about that last bit... >Without even bothering to ask me! JAYNE: Sentence Fragment! >(She crushes another brick.) STEVE: Crush me...with those...things... >Ukyou: It is not uncommon among royal families for marriages to >be arranged without consulting the children... STEVE: Good money says that line does nothing for her mental state. >Akane: I don't care! This is stupid! We're the only royal >family left in the whole universe, STEVE: Told you. JAYNE: What about the *Empire*? Emperors are royalty, too! >so that shouldn't apply! Besides, I've never even heard of these Skywalkers! > >Ukyou: Nobody has. JAYNE: It's a cover-up! STEVE: Where's Mulder & Scully when you need them? JAYNE: Mmmmm...David Duchovny... *WHACK* JAYNE: Ow... >The family was supposed to have died on... >(slight catch in her voice)N-Nerima. STEVE: The Family...was highly displeased with their lack of respect... >But your father >has located a living relation on Tokyo. > >Akane(softly):You're still sad about Nerima, aren't you? > >Ukyou(wistfully):My old master lived on Nerima. I guess >I'm still hoping we will be reunited. JAYNE: Fat Chance, Ukyou! STEVE: Someday...my prince will come... >Akane: Hmph! Sorry Ukyou, but I'm too angry to console >anyone right now. JAYNE: Oh, who called it? >Ukyou(sadly): That's okay. (Brightens) Here, eat. I made it >special for you! >(Akane picks up the pancake and begins to munch on it.) > >Akane: You always make okonomiyaki. STEVE: Yeah, why did you make a pancake this time? >Ukyou: Blame it on my programmers. BOTH: Damn you, Bill Gates! >If they can mess up my >emotion chip so much that I fall in love with a human, JAYNE: Wow. Maybe Data should get in touch with these guys. >then they're probably responsible for any odd cooking >preferences. (Pauses thoughtfully, then smiles.) But you have >to admit I make the best okonomiyaki of any chef droid around! > >Akane:(smiles) You sure do. (finishes the okonomiyaki.) You >always cheer me up, Ukyou. Thanks. JAYNE: 30 seconds ago, she was in a murderous rage, and one plate of okonomiyaki settles her down? STEVE: And I thought that Akane & Ukyou were rivals... >Ukyou:(Exaggerated bow.) Just doing my duty, your highness. >(Akane laughs. STEVE: How right you are, slave! >Just then, there are several loud bangs from >outside. JAYNE: Lemon Alert! >After a moment, the door opens and a second droid >enters. This one is designed to look like a Chinese teenager. >Everything about him is a perfect-if metallic STEVE: Anti-Roboticism runs rampant! >-replica of a >boy, from his white robe to his long black hair. On his >face are two white sensors that look absurdly like huge glasses. He looks about, then approaches a potted plant.) JAYNE: Return of the one-eyed fanfic author! >Boy Droid: Princess, I have urgent news! >Akane:(Sighs.) I'm over here, Mousse. JAYNE: Mousse? What's next? Shampoo? STEVE: JAYNE: What? What did I do? STEVE: Have you seen *any* anime before? JAYNE: Yeah, I watch Sailor Moon and Project A-ko all the time! STEVE: >(The droid turns in the direction of her voice. He looks around >for a moment, then Ukyou waves and he approaches.) > >Ukyou: What is it, Mousse? > >Mousse: Hello, Ukyou. Hello, Princess. JAYNE: I asked you "What is it?"; I didn't ask for petty greetings! Tell me now! STEVE: Whoa...calm down, Jayne... >Akane: For the millionth time, Mousse, call me Akane. JAYNE: If you'll be my bodyguard... STEVE: I can be your long lost pal... JAYNE: I can call you Betty... STEVE: And Betty, when you call me, you can call me Al. JAYNE: Aw, fun... >Mousse(Bowing to the pile of crushed bricks.): As you wish, Princess. STEVE: Wasn't that what you wanted me to say to you last night? *SMACK* STEVE: I guess not... >(Akane groans.) JAYNE: You've got that much right. >Akane: What do you want, Mousse? STEVE: I want the eighties to come back so everyone will love me and use me daily! JAYNE: And I want Chris! STEVE: Shut up! >Mousse: I thought that you should be informed that an ship is >rapidly catching up with us in hyperspace. JAYNE: Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't there NO WAY for a ship to pursue another through hyperspace? STEVE: I dunno, you're the Star Wars freak. JAYNE: Anime Freak! STEVE: Star Wars Freak! JAYNE: Anime Freak! STEVE: Star Wars Freak! JAYNE: ANIME FREAK! STEVE: STAR WARS FREAK! DR. F: WILL THE TWO OF YOU SHUT UP AND WATCH THE STUPID FIC ALREADY! DR. F: Thank you. JAYNE: anime freak... >Akane(Eyes narrowed.): What kind of ship? JAYNE: She's Japanese, how much narrower can her eyes get? STEVE: Correction. She is an Anime character, therefore she has very wide eyes. JAYNE: Shut up, Anime Freak... >Mousse: An Imperial Star Destroyer. > >Akane and Ukyou: Eeep. STEVE: Eek. Help, help. Run away. >Mousse: Do not worry, Princess. They can't fire at us in hyperspace. > >Ukyou: Mousse, how long until we arrive at the Tokyo system? JAYNE: Gimme a few hours, the traffic's a bitch this time of day... >Mousse: Uh...fifteen minutes. > >Ukyou: We'll be forced to come out of hyperspace then. >(Mousse thinks for a moment.) > >Mousse: I hadn't thought of that... STEVE: Yes, you did. It says so two lines up! >But don't worry, Princess, I will >protect you! STEVE: Right. And I'm Rumiko Takahashi. >Akane(sarcastically): I'm soooo reassured. (pauses.) All right, >let's get to the bridge. JAYNE: The Bridge of Death! (Look, there's that old man from scene 24!) >I not going to get kidnapped by >the Empire. STEVE: Akane. Not Shampoo. Akane. >Who knows what they'll force my father to do once they >have me? JAYNE: Hey, if you can't keep it in the pants, keep it in the family! STEVE: Jayne... >(All three rush to the door. Mousse slams into the wall next to it, >and remains there until Ukyou comes back in and >peels him off the wall. She drags him along after Akane.) STEVE: More of the amazing comic antics of Epsilon & Blade! JAYNE: Ha. Ha. >Ukyou(muttering under her breath): Some protector, can't even see a >stupid wall... JAYNE: Some author, can't even write decent dialogue. STEVE: What the hell? I haven't called anyone a jackass yet!?! >(The scene shifts to a large room. It is filled with people rushing >from computer terminal to computer terminal. STEVE: NYSE? JAYNE: NASDAQ? >A door opens in one of the walls, BOTH: No, we thought it opened in the ceiling! >and a creature steps out onto a catwalk. JAYNE: Strut-Strut-Strut-Strut, Stop! Turn, Pose Haughtily... >The catwalk stretches high over the room to a station >on a tower. The creature is a large panda wearing bits and pieces >of black armour. A large muzzle covers its mouth, which is connected >via a series of wires to a computer screen positioned above and behind >its head. The panda walks to the station and the two people sitting >there stand up and bow reverently. One is an old man in a typical >imperial admiral's uniform. The other is a young Japanese man. He has >a handsome, arrogant face, and is wearing black samurai robes, a light >sabre strapped to his side.) STEVE: About 2 seconds of information in a paragraph that takes half-a-minute to read. Good God... JAYNE: And people say "Empire" was slow? STEVE: Whatever happened to the fast pace of anime? >Admiral: Lord Saotome, we have located Princess Akane's transport. >(The panda makes a series of growls and grunts. STEVE: JAYNE: STEVE: Ahhh! What was that for? I just didn't want to hear your riff on growling and grunting! JAYNE: Just be glad I didn't bite you... STEVE: I've had about enough, I'm leaving. JAYNE: Aren't the doors locked? STEVE: Well, the light above the doors is on... JAYNE: Locked, aren't they...? Steve? STEVE??? Hey, wait up! 1...2...3...4...5...6... "Thanks for leaving me behind, you baka!" Jayne was livid as she ran back onto the bridge. *WHACK* Steve got brained once again, this time with a Sailor Moon pendant. "It's not my fault! I thought they were going to suck the oxygen out of the theater, like they do on the bridge...OW!" A Blur CD made its presence known against Steve's cranium. Luckily for Steve (and his head) a klaxon went off at that moment. The combatants stopped in their tracks. Steve pushed the button to call Deep 13. Dr. Forrester paced in front of the hexscreen, impatiently waiting for his subjects to call. He would have called them himself, but he was too busy with his own preparations. The hexscreen abruptly opened, revealing a very confused Steve & Jayne. Dr. F turned towards them. "I know, it's already two strikes against me, giving you this fic, and giving you a break this early... Jayne & Steve spoke as one: "We know, there's a large BUT coming right after that statement." "BUT," Forrester continued, "The whole experiment so far, I knew something was wrong, and it didn't hit me 'till just now. We were one short. I'm so used to having Joel and his imbecilic robots on board, I needed to grab a third person to experiment on. Looking through your dossiers, I found veiled references to...the third child... "WHAT?!?! Shinji Ikari? That manic-depressive weenie?" Steve was about to go on a rant, when he was once again interrupted. "IF YOU'D LET ME FINISH...I was talking about a friend of yours." ----------- AUTHOR #3: LAURA MICELI (AKA: MINIGOTH, SHORTNESS, ETC.) Extremely Short. Extremely Dark. Extremely Perky. The little bundle of joyful darkness will affect any situation. If you don't like it, she'll gnaw on your shins. ----------- The Umbilicord opened, and a small bundle of darkness fell out. It was dressed in black pants, a Marilyn Manson T-Shirt, and had a bookbag slung over its shoulder. The SOL's two occupants helped Laura to her feet. She took a moment to look over her compatriots, a dark, smoldering gleam in her eye. She then let go a cheery "Hiya!" "There. Now that you're all together, and ready to bow before my ultimate wisdom, GET BACK IN THAT THEATRE!" The lights and buzzers all went off, again. Steve opened his mouth, but he was interrupted by Laura. "I wanna say it, I wanna say it!" she whined. Steve rolled his eyes. "Go ahead." Laura jumped up and down. "Yaaayy! AHHHH! WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!!" 6...5...4...3...2...1... Jayne enters the theatre first, sitting near the middle, slightly to the left. Laura enters next, and takes the seat to her left. Steve enters behind the girls, and sits on Jayne's right. LAURA: So, we're actually on the Sattelite of Love, huh? We can see Cambot, and I know Gypsy, Tom, & Crow are gone, but where's Magic Voice? STEVE: I don't know... >Saotome:[Yes, soon I will accomplish my goal.] STEVE: What goal? Did the fanfic skip or something? JAYNE: Soon, I will control the internet and put nothing on it but Panda Porn! LAURA & STEVE: Jayne... >(He makes a few noises that sound like laughter, JAYNE: Ha! He thought it was funny! >and the scene changes. LAURA: The Scene Changes? Changes into what? Did it turn into a frog? Does someone have to kiss it to turn it back into a human? Where are we going with this? Are we going to a *quality* fanfic now? JAYNE & STEVE: We can only hope. LAURA: >A view of space shows two large ships appear out of hyperspace. One is Akane's Corvette, the other is the enormous wedge-shaped mass JAYNE: Mmmm...Cheese... LAURA: JAYNE: >of an Imperial Star Destroyer. The ships begin to exchange red, blue, and green blasts. LAURA: Wow, this must be serious if they're throwing colors at each other. STEVE: The colors, man...The colors... JAYNE: Have you been borrowing my happy pills again? >The Corvette is obviously outmatched and is rocking under the fire. STEVE: When this ship's a-rocking... >After a few minutes, the Corvette releases a group of Y-wings. LAURA: Why not wings? >These fighters look like three tubes soldered together. JAYNE: As we watch, the Corvette begins the mating ritual by releasing its Y-wings... >In response, the Star Destroyer ejects a squadron of fighters LAURA: ...who suffocated immediately once out of the airlock considering that they weren't in ships and in the vacuum of space. >which look more like technological bow-ties than anything else. STEVE: The Star Destroyer continues by ejecting the bow-ties, a sure sign that mating will take place... >The Y-wings are outnumbered and outgunned. They are soon destroyed, at the cost of only one TIE fighter. JAYNE: In this case however, the Star Destroyer is not interested... LAURA: How much would you pay? >Aboard the Corvette's >bridge, we see Akane and her two droids arguing with the captain.) > >Captain: We can't survive much longer, STEVE: I cannae hold on much longer! >Princess. We have to get you on a shuttle and out of here. > >Akane: I'm not leaving. LAURA: ...until I get Hansons' Autographs! JAYNE: ACK! Shun! Shun! >Besides, it's safer on the Corvette than it would be aboard a shuttle. >(There is a sudden boom ALL: Boom! >and the bridge lurches to one side. Everyone >goes sprawling. One of the techs falls forward and strikes his head >against his terminal. STEVE: Hit the Button, Frank... LAURA: Ack! Don't do that, Steve! It's scary! >Ukyou runs over tosses JAYNE: Ow! You ran over me! >him out of the way. She >examines the read-outs on the terminal momentarily.) > >Ukyou: They've locked their tractor beam on us. JAYNE: Sounds kinky... >We'll be boarded soon. >Mousse: Hurry, Princess, we must get to the escape pods. >(He walks toward the front of the room with the captain in tow.) > >Captain: Hey! STEVE: Hey! You! You! Get offa my cloud! >(Mousse looks at him.) > >Mousse: You're not the Princess! > >Captain: Of course I'm not! > >Ukyou: I agree with Mousse. LAURA: You're *not* the princess... >Let's get you to the escape pods. > >Akane: Okay, okay. Let's go. JAYNE: Here? Can't we at least wait 'til we get to the bathroom? >(The three of them run through the ship JAYNE: *CRASH* Oops... >and soon come to a room. STEVE: Epsilon and Blade, masters of the obvious! >Inside the room there are several hatches with the words "Emergency >Escape Pod" written above them. LAURA: Is the Emergency Escape Pod here? Really? Are you sure? I'm having my doubts...You're positive now...? >There is another lurch and all three of them fall down.) > >Akane: What was that? STEVE: The floor. JAYNE: No, that! STEVE: The Addams' Butler. JAYNE: NO, *That*! STEVE: Plot Contrivance. JAYNE: NO, THAT! THAT NOISE! STEVE: An overloud MSTer. LAURA: Ladies and Gentlemen--The "That" Sketch. Thank You! >Mousse: They've boarded the ship. It won't be long until they find us. >(Ukyou, meanwhile, has been pressing buttons on a terminal) LAURA: Hey! How do you change the radio station in this jalopy? >Ukyou: I've already prepped them for launch. Let's hurry. >(Suddenly, two men in white armour burst into the room.) JAYNE: The Men in White Coats! STEVE: They're coming to take us away! LAURA: Ha! Ha! >Stormtrooper 1: There they are! > >Stormtrooper 2: Get them! STEVE: Various unnamed stormtroopers? Oh, yeah, they're dead. >(Just then a long chain wraps around the first stormtrooper's neck. JAYNE: VENUS LOVE CHAIN ENCIRCLE! LAURA: Didn't know you were into that whole S&M thing, Jayne. STEVE: Mmmm...S&M...Good Music... >He drops his blaster and gasps as Mousse swings him JAYNE: Whee! >into the second trooper. Both troopers collapse, unconscious, and >Mousse retracts his chain.) > >Mousse: Hurry, Princess! I will hold them off! > >Akane: No. (Both droids gape at her.) If I leave, I'll only be >followed and captured anyway. Instead, I'll send you two with a >message for my father. LAURA: Tell him I'm sorry I wrecked the car. JAYNE & STEVE: SHUT UP! >(We hear blaster fire in the distance.) STEVE: Ah, but they don't! >Come here Ukyou, and I'll give you the holo-message. > >Ukyou: Akane, I don't think this is a good idea... ALL: I've got a bad feeling about this... >Akane(sternly): That's an order, Okono D-2. >(Ukyou reluctantly comes over. Akane quickly programs something into >a terminal which opens in Ukyou's stomach.) LAURA: Eww... >Akane(finishing): Okay now, both of you into the pod. >(She points at the open hatch. Ukyou climbs, in stopping only to >glance worriedly back at Akane. Mousse refuses, and Akane finally has >to pick him up and throw him through the hatch. The hatch closes, >cutting off Mousse's protests. JAYNE: Along with his- STEVE: No! Don't do it! LAURA: JAYNE: Mir noh-da...I deweh cuh... LAURA & STEVE: Huh? JAYNE: LAURA: Ack! Why Jayne, I never knew... JAYNE: Oh, yes you did... STEVE: Oh, God, *please* let them be joking... >A moment later there is a whoosh and the pod is gone.) LAURA: And the stain is gone! >Akane: Now... STEVE: Sure as the sun will cross the sky, this lie is over... JAYNE: I just wish this fic was over... >(She is interrupted as about two dozen stormtroopers come into the room.) > >Various Stormtroopers: There....It's her....She's trying to escape.... >Quick, before she gets away.... VARIOUS MSTERS: Look....It's them....They're idiots....Quick, before we fall asleep.... >(One stormtrooper levels his blaster at her. He is about to fire at >her when another one bashes him over the head, knocking the idiot >senseless.) STEVE: This fic is knocking us sensless. >Stormtrooper: You moron! JAYNE: Hey! That's my line! >We're supposed to take her alive! LAURA: Why do I hear shooting? I want Blade alive. >Akane: _You_ take _me_? Don't make me laugh! >(She charges them.) JAYNE: On her Visa Card! LAURA: Blatant Prod- Oh, never mind... >Stormtrooper: Get her! >(Akane leaps up and knocks one of them unconscious with a >dropkick. A second grabs at her, but she ducks and uppercuts >him away. Two men leap at her and she knocks them both out of >the air with side kicks. Another sneaks up from behind, >gripping his blaster like a baseball bat. Akane calmly >punches him in the face, smashing his mask into tiny pieces. >He flies back, taking three more troopers with him as he lands. >One by one or sometimes in pairs the rest fall to Akane's >superior skill. LAURA: Akane: the last Sexcraft Master. STEVE: This just makes me want to rent John Woo flicks. >She grins as the last one collapses. She is >breathing shallowly, but suddenly sees a movement out of the >corner of her eye. Reflexively she pivots and catches the object >that had been thrown at her-a single red rose. LAURA: Desire of the Endless? STEVE: Kodachi? No, that would be black... JAYNE: Tuxedo Mask? LAURA: James? >As she stares at it in surprise, a voice echos STEVE: Albarn? You in here? >around the room.) > >Voice: Ah, the tigress roars and fights, > But fears the justice of the light. > For everyone who does not do right, > Must fear my sword-arm's tremendous might. JAYNE: He's no poet, and don't we know it! >Akane: Huh? LAURA: He said... STEVE: Quiet, Laura. One Kunou is enough! >(As she looks around, a figure emerges from the hall. It is >Kunou, resplendent in black armour with a long, billowing >cape. In his right hand, he holds a blue-white light sabre.) LAURA: Not a heavy sabre... STEVE: Not a Buffalo Saber, either... >Kunou: She is lovely and she is fair, > In my eyes, her vision of youth doth flare, > Like a sun in death, with love wrought bare, > For beauteous is her shining hair. LAURA: Ok, Great. Bad Goth Poetry. Thank You, Fanfic. >Akane(irritated): What are you babbling about? And who are you? STEVE: Who are you? Who-who, Who-oh... JAYNE: Are you an owl or something? >Kunou: I, fair damsel, am the mighty Tatewaki Kunou, pupil of >the great Darth Saotome, heir to the power of the Empire and >your husband-to-be. STEVE: Hey, you forgot the whole "Blue Thunder" speech! LAURA: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. >(Akane blinks, and then looks angry.) > >Akane: Listen mister, I don't know who you think you are, but I'm >not about to marry you. JAYNE: Well, is he single? I'm up for it! STEVE: >Kunou: Oh, but you shall, for my love for you is so great that it >transcends mere politics. STEVE: Ack! Bill Clinton! >Come away with me, and you shall be truly happy at last. JAYNE: Happiness? I really want to meet this guy! STEVE: Not happiness, but a enslavement so vile it is beyond imagining... JAYNE: Really? STEVE: >Akane: Get lost you jerk, before I piledrive you into the floor. LAURA: Sorry. I was temporarily posessed by The Rock there... >Kunou: I see. It seems that someone has used foul powers to >enslave your mind. Do not fear, for I shall free you. Come >with me. STEVE: Damn You, Puff Daddy! >Akane(angry): Yeah, right! >(She charges him, but he easily sidesteps and pins her arms behind >her back.) LAURA: Hmn, pinned arms...that would be rather messy, wouldn't it? >Akane(surprised): Hey! STEVE: You're a dimwit. You're not supposed to *win*... JAYNE: Don't talk about my future husband that way! STEVE: What?!? What about Chris?!? JAYNE: Mmm...Chris... >Kunou: Forgive me, my fair princess. >(He snaps a pair on JAYNE: Insert your favorite underwear joke here. >neural cuffs on her wrists and she falls as >the paralysis sets in. Kunou tosses her over his shoulder.) LAURA: He then picks her up off the floor and carries her out. >Kunou: Come, we must away, STEVE: Away? Is that what they're calling it now? >so that my honourable sensei >may free your mind from whomever has dared to enslave it. >(He walks out. LAURA: I wish we could. STEVE: Hey, we CAN! The lights are on! JAYNE: Let's go! Oh, and Steve? STEVE: Hmn? JAYNE: This time, I go first. 1...2...3...4...5...6... The trio emerged from the theatre, blinking and adjusting to the well-lit bridge. As if suddenly remembering something, Steve turned to Laura. "Hey, Shortness. How'd you get stuck up here with us anyway?" The small dark one cleared her throat. "I don't really know. I was in school, so I didn't really pay attention to much, and I guess I walked into the wrong room..." Jayne & Steve looked at each other, "113," they said. Laura thought for a moment. "Deep 13, 113, same difference." Steve thought for a moment more. "Well, I'm just really glad to have you guys with me. Promise me this, though." The two girls looked up. "We've got to stick together. Dr. F might beat one of us, but he can't beat all three..." The buzzers chose that tender moment to go off. "AHHHH! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Next Episode: More Ran Wars! Dr. F needs your input! Echo Albarn (echo_albarn@hotmail.com) will deliver your suggestions directly to Deep 13! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Well, our first MST is done, done, done! Here's what we think (or don't think) STEVE (echo_albarn@hotmail.com): Well, First off, I'd like to thank my co-MSTers, Laura & Jayne, I couldn't have gone and done it alone. Well, actually I could have, but I like to think otherwise. Also, thanks to the guys at SVAM for inspiring me to begin my MSTing career (hope I didn't do that bad...) I would've done a traditional cast like your FAQ says, but I'm not really good with other peoples' characters (as evidenced by my paper-thin rendition of Dr. F & TV's Frank. Oh, well. There's always next time. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Also, I would have made this into longer segments, but I am a slow and Impatient writer. I have to post *something*... P.S.: 72 CPL sucks! P.P.S.: This is really only part one of the first MST. I saw someone's MST of the REAL Star Wars, and they divided it into 8 parts. So I divided mine into 8 parts as well, at the same plot points. I feel guilty copying like that, but if I didn't, you'd get the whole MST in about 5 years. After I graduate college, and I never get to see my co- MSTers again. JAYNE: [Not really Jayne, but Steve again] Oh yeah, considering Jayne was far too lazy to actually write any of her jokes, other than the one she came up with on the phone (take your guess), I actually had to write her myself. Luckily I've known Jayne for some years and was able to write a passable imitation of her style. Any more of this thinking like a girl, and I might start looking for Jusenkyo...By the way, the *real* Jayne can be found at Anthrojayne@hotmail.com. JAYNE: [Steve once more] Well, Jayne finally wrote some jokes for us, but didn't have the courtesy to write a thank-you. Thank you so much, Ms. Wenner. LAURA: I want to thank Steve for nagging me enough to get my part done and for lending me all his Tylor videos and for taking the time to explain all the technobabble and backstories of anime that I didn't understand. Jhonen Vasquez-for all those wonderful nightmares. The directors of "Interview with the Vampire" & "In Dreams", for creating pretty pictures in my head and for casting Stephen Rea in both films. Anne Rice, Jim Rose, Jay & Silent Bob, and all the other people that make me feel normal. Last but not least, Canada, for Edge, Christian, Barenaked Ladies, Jhonen Vasquez, Kids in the Hall, and Rush. Hot damn, I love that country. Goooooo Canada! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "EMS Systems, Episode 1", (C) 2000: EMS Systems. Yadda yadda yadda. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ >He is about to fire at her when another one bashes him over the head, knocking the idiot senseless. >Stormtrooper: You moron!