This is a test of the Emergency Misting System (EMS). If ever an unmisted fanfic crosses into the internet, it will automatically be misted for your protection and enjoyment. LAURA: Satirized for your protection! We would appreciate it if the misting staff would not riff during their own introduction. STEVE: Bah, Humbug! Anyway, you should know the deal. Normal folk shot into space, forced to view bad media, thanks to the evil Dr. Forrester, ALL: Boo! who is using these "experiments" in order to find the one piece that will break our heroes' spirits. STEVE: Ishtar? JAYNE: Meet Joe Black? LAURA: Titanic? Ahem... JAYNE: Rush? STEVE: Hey... LAURA: Emerson, Lake, & Palmer? STEVE: Hey! JAYNE: Yes? STEVE: No Fair! LAURA: Blur? STEVE: Quit picking on me! Guys... LAURA: Gym with "Adolf" Pietrobon? JAYNE: Trig with Cunningham? STEVE: Band with Pauliks? JAYNE: Ack! Hello? JAYNE: Kefka? LAURA: Gonterman? STEVE: Koopa? LAURA: Oscar...? JAYNE: STEVE: ALL: GUYS!!!!!!!!!! ALL: ... That's better. Now, since we're done with the introduction, shall we get on with the story? STEVE: Shut up, self! ------------- AUTHORS- STEVE (Steven Sulzer): The Main Author of this series. Take Mousse's (Ranma 1/2) Glasses, brown hair that never stays in place, Anthony Michael Hall's (Breakfast Club) geekish form, voice that (depending on mood) can switch between Zelgadis (Slayers)and Loud Kiddington (Histeria), a personality about as unstable as Shinji Ikari's (Evangelion), as well as taste in music as eclectic as College Radio, a penchant for wearing a green army coat and drinking tea, and you've got Steve...kinda. JAYNE (Jayne Wenner): Take Lina Inverse's Attitude & Hair(though she's more like Asuka Langly when ticked off), cross it with a rather more *mature* body, toss in an insanely long list of guys drooling at her feet, and a mild internet addiction (along with a more severe Barenaked Ladies addiction), and that's Jayne...kinda. LAURA (Laura Miceli): Take Lina Inverse's body (discarded from the previous exercise), add hair that's a bit like Kiriya's (El Hazzard), a mildly goth attitude and style of dress, a facination with wrestling and the comic works of Jhonen Vasquez ("Johnny the Homicidal Maniac", "Squee"), and that's Laura...kinda. ------------- EMS Systems: Episode 2 Ran Wars (Episode 1/2), by Epsilon & Blade, part 2 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 1. Ranma 1/2, and all stuff associated with it, is property of Rumiko Takahashi. 2. MST3k, and all stuff associated with it, is property of Best Brains, Ltd. 3. Star Wars, and all stuff associated with it, is property of Lucasfilm. 4. Ran Wars is a work owned by the aforementioned Epsilon & Blade, whomever they are. This misting is just for kicks. I'm not trying to be mean. If you don't like the fact that I've MSTed you, tell me. It will be removed from the internet ASAHP. (Even though I already got permission...) 5. Any mention of random stuff is not an attempt to infringe on copyrights held by other people. 6. It's just parodies and fanfics anyway, lighten up! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 6...5...4...3...2...1... Jayne enters the theatre first, sitting near the middle, slightly to the left. Laura enters next, and takes the seat to her left. Steve enters behind the girls, and sits on Jayne's right. >The scene shifts, and we see a tube-like object flying into the atmosphere of a large brown planet. The tube falls rapidly and blasts into the ground, sending up a cloud of dust and sand. As the haze clears, we see the pod buried about halfway into the ground. Its door shudders, LAURA: Must've read that Oscarfic... >but remains closed. After a moment, it shudders again LAURA: ...while watching Good Will Hunting... >and opens about an inch. We hear arguing inside, and then the door flies out, to land several feet away. There is a large mace embedded in it. Mousse steps out of the pod.) STEVE: He's one of the pod people! >Mousse: There...mechanical problem solved. >(Ukyou climbs out of the pod, looking irritated.) > >Ukyou: We might have wanted to keep the pod in one piece, you know. > >Mousse: Why? > >Ukyou: Because it might be our only way off this dustball, you moron! LAURA: Yeah, ya jackass! >Mousse: Oh...sorry. JAYNE: You will be...Oh, you will be... >(Ukyou snorts in disgust. Mousse looks around.) STEVE: Steve kicks back and wishes he were dead. LAURA: Laura eats some more goldfish. JAYNE: Jayne dreams of making hot, passio- *WHACK* JAYNE: Ow... STEVE: Thanks, Laura. LAURA: He-he-he... >My optic circuits must be going. I don't see anything but sand. > >Ukyou: They're not going, (under her breath)any more than they already have, anyway...There's just sand, as far as my optics can see. > >Mousse: A desert world, then. LAURA: Brilliant Deduction, Sherlock! JAYNE: Thank you, Department of Redundancies Department. >(Ukyou nods.) LAURA: ...off to SLEEP! >Ukyou: All the planets in the Tokyo system are desert worlds. There's no water for light years. We'd better just hope we landed on one of the inhabited ones, or we may be stuck here for quite a while. LAURA: Understatement of the New Millenium... STEVE: NO! NO! NO! IT IS NOT THE NEW MILLENIUM! NOT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!?!? LAURA: I love that shade of red your face is turning, Steve... >Mousse(thoughtfully): How do settlers survive without water? > >Ukyou: Hydro cubes, I would assume. JAYNE: Another bit of technobabble. STEVE: And a plot contrivance that George Lucas didn't think of! LAURA: Either that, or they drink the blood of the dead! >Mousse: Okay...what now? > >(Ukyou scans the horizon for a moment, then points.) STEVE: I Point! I Point! *WHACK* LAURA: Don't rip off Megane! Bad, bad boy! >Ukyou: Look, smoke! STEVE: *Gasp* Look, Elvis! JAYNE: And don't call me Smoke! >(Mousse looks in the wrong direction.) > >Mousse: Where? >(Ukyou sighs and turns so he is facing toward JAYNE: When did Ukyou get a sex change? >the thin stream of black smoke that can be seen in the distance.) STEVE: Smoke...on the Water... >Ukyou: Over there, Mousse. > >Mousse(suspiciously): I don't see anything. > >Ukyou: That's no surprise. Come on, let's go. You'll just have to trust me if you want to have a chance of escaping. STEVE: There's only one chance for you to beat him, and that's only if I go with you. >(Ukyou leads Mousse down a small hill and into a chasm. JAYNE: AHHH! *THUNK* LAURA: AHHH! *THWACK* >They walk along the bottom of it for a few minutes. We see several small shadowy forms, JAYNE: They're called JAWAS, people... LAURA: ...or cannon fodder. >unseen by the two droids, also scrambling along the sides and top of the cliff.) > >Ukyou: Geez, this place is deserte...(she is cut off ALL: Ouch! STEVE: Lousy New York drivers... >by a shrill scream, as the creatures JAYNE: Jawas. >suddenly emerge from the shadows.) Mousse! We're under attack! >(As Ukyou says this, her spatula extends until it is about >three feet long, and she quickly uses it to knock one of the >creatures JAYNE: Jawas. STEVE: Shh. LAURA: This is my BOOMSTICK! STEVE: What was that about ripping off other peoples riffs? >unconscious.) > >Mousse: Where? (He turns away from the creatures.) JAYNE: Jawas. LAURA: Shh. >Aha! >(He spots a group of boulders and launches several chains. They wrap around the rocks.) Got you! > >Ukyou: They're over here, you idiot! >(She knocks another into orbit with her spatula, but the >creatures JAYNE: Jawas. STEVE: Give it up, it's getting really old, really fast. >are beginning to push her back, swinging tiny glowing rods.) STEVE: Oh, how cute, the trick-or-treaters have those little glow-sticks! >Mousse: Huh? (Mousse whips about, STEVE: Now whip it! JAYNE: Into shape! STEVE: Shape it up! JAYNE: Go Forward! STEVE: Move ahead! JAYNE: Try to detect it! STEVE: It's not too late! JAYNE: To whip it! STEVE: Whip it good! LAURA: @_@ Um... >miraculously getting the direction right. However, by either accident or design he did not unhook his chains. The boulders are ripped from the ground, and go crashing into the creatures, JAYNE: JAWAS! JAWAS, JAWAS, JAWAS! STEVE: It's okay, Jayne. We're here for you. >who are knocked away like bowling pins. LAURA: He may have some trouble picking up this spare... >Ukyou and Mousse begin to make quick work of the remaining creatures. JAYNE: ... STEVE: Laura, you're female... LAURA: That'd better not be a question. STEVE: ...could you take Jayne over there and help her calm down? I'll handle things here. LAURA: Sure, no problem. >However, one, who had been concealed by a rock, STEVE: Ow! Get this rock off me! >steps out from behind them. It pulls out a rifle that is tipped with a small circular plate. LAURA: Say hello to my little friend! >It pulls the trigger, and the plate flies out, adhering itself to Ukyou's back.) > >Ukyou: What thAAAAAAAAAAA! > >(Several megavolts of power flash fry her system, and she collapses face-first into the dirt.) STEVE: Shocking. >Mousse: Ukyou! (Mousse is angry now, and begins to fling a horde of weapons >in every direction. The creatures are mown down STEVE: Mousse *is* The Lawnmower Man! >and those that can still walk are fleeing in panic. One of them crawls >up the cliff, and hides behind a large rock. It suddenly gets an idea and begins to push on the rock. STEVE: Unfortunatly, the rock rolls back on top of him, effectively ending the jawa threat. Damn. >Other creatures scamper over and help it. Mousse hears the groan of the rock giving way and looks up, seeing a blurry shape descending towards him.) STEVE: I'm feelin' your pain, buddy. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > STEVE: Oh, yeah it would help if I put my glasses BACK ON... Just maybe... >Mousse: Huh. What a pathetic sneak attack. >(With a contemptuous flick, Mousse sends two spears flying at >it. They score direct hits-but do little to stop the boulder, >which crashes into Mousse's head with a clang. STEVE: CLANG! >Mousse wobbles around for a moment, and then collapses next to Ukyou. The remaining creatures emerge and start chattering excitedly in brrrs and clicks. They rush STEVE: Geddy Lee's in this? >about, collect the fallen droids and their injured comrades, and then march off. STEVE: OTHERS: STEVE: @_@ OTHERS: STEVE: >The scene cuts to a small igloo-shaped hut. ALL: Ouch! JAYNE: What's with all these cuts? George Lucas traditionally uses a left-right crossfade! STEVE: Hey, I'm the film student here! You're just the Star Wars Freak, so shh! JAYNE: Whatever, Anime Freak! LAURA: Hey, I resemble that remark! JAYNE: No, you're the Manson Freak... LAURA: Star Wars Freak! STEVE: Manson Freak! JAYNE: Anime Freak! LAURA: Star Wars Freak! STEVE: Manson Freak! JAYNE: Anime Freak! LAURA: ANIME FREAK! JAYNE: MANSON FREAK! STEVE: STAR WARS FREAK! DR. F: ARRRRGH! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO? WILL THE THREE OF YOU SHUT UP? JUST WATCH THE FIC! DON'T ARGUE! WATCH! ALL: ... DR. F: >The hut is bright white, JAYNE: It used Listerine! STEVE: Must...resist..urge...to...use...other...peoples'...riffs... LAURA: That *is* someone else's riff... >and is perched on the edge of a small cliff. STEVE: Close to the Edge, Just by the River... LAURA: Mmm...Edge... *WHACK* >The cliff overlooks a small garden, which appears to be thriving in the shade. STEVE: In the desert...? JAYNE: And you tell me not to think about the fic! >Two droids that look like pick-axes with legs waddle about in the garden. A speeder is parked to one side of the hut, and we can see someone's legs poking out from underneath it. JAYNE: Roadkill! >Near the foreground, we see a boy in a white gi. He has a handsome face, with a head of black hair that is pulled back in a ponytail He is doing complex katas. We hear a woman's voice emanate from under the speeder.) > >Voice: Ranma, come here. LAURA: I'm very disappointed in the fact that you ran me over with the speeder! >(The boy leaps down from the rock and runs over to the speeder.) > >Ranma: Yes, Mom? JAYNE: Yes, Mother! Yes, I'll do it, Mother... STEVE: Mother, do you think they'll like my song? LAURA: Well, they certainly don't like this fic! >(A woman climbs out from under the speeder. She is appears to >be in her thirties, and is rather pretty. Her features are >not unlike Ranma's, and she has medium-length brown hair.) > >Woman: Could you give me a hand here? STEVE: Just let me cut it off, first... JAYNE: Ew... LAURA: A boy after me own heart! >The anti-gravs went again, and I need the speeder to get to town. > >Ranma(protesting): Mom, I was sort of busy. STEVE: You know, BUSY? LAURA: Yeah, you know I was watchin' Smackdown! STEVE: Wrestling Freak! STEVE: Um, never mind... >Woman: Yes, I know. But it's about time you started to learn some practical skills instead of putting all your effort into this Jedi Ninja nonsense. JAYNE: STEVE: Knock it off! >Ranma: But I want to be a Jedi! It's a lot more interesting than being a farmer. STEVE: Didja ever play SimFarm? JAYNE: Um...No... STEVE: He's right. Farming's lame. >Woman: Ranma, you do not choose to be a Jedi, the Force chooses you. You have to accept that which you can not change. You will be a farmer. > >Ranma: You are...er...were a Jedi. > >Woman: Yes, but just because I was one doesn't mean you will be. Besides, there is no more room in the universe for Jedi. That is why I gave it up and took up farming. JAYNE: STEVE: Whassamatter? JAYNE: It's a- She's Ranma's- and a- STEVE: It's...a... crossover... Not everything is going to be like the movie... >Ranma: But I'm the best fighter on the planet! I beat every- >one at the tournament last year! LAURA: An I wanna! >Woman(sighs): Ranma, I'm not going to go through this again. Trust me. You aren't a Jedi, and you don't want to be one. >(We hear a male voice.) > >Voice: Nodoka! >(A man walks into the camp. He has on a bright green gi JAYNE: *WHACK* >and a pair of thin glasses. His face is boyishly good-looking. LAURA: Christ, I love this Universe! Everybody's Gorgeous! >He spots Ranma and his mother, and comes over.) > >Man: Is Ranma pestering you about the Jedi again? > >Nodoka: Hai. It is good to see you, Tofu-wan. STEVE: Look, Jayne! It's Tofu! Don't you just want to eat him up? JAYNE: ... STEVE: This is getting bad, she's not even responding to perverse comments... >Ranma(bowing): Tofu-sensei. > >Tofu: Stop that, Ranma. If your mother does not want you to train as a Jedi, then I will not train you. LAURA: But I WANNA! >Ranma: Hmph! >(He turns away. Nodoka shakes her head.) > >Nodoka: It's been a long time, Tofu, about a...(her voice trails off.) JAYNE: ...and gets lost in the desert... >Tofu: Month. >(Nodoka whistles.) ALL (JAYNE HALF-HEARTEDLY): >Nodoka: A month! I could have sworn it was only a week... LAURA: >Where have you been? STEVE: Dancing with Betty. >(In the meantime, Ranma wanders over to the speeder, picks >up a tool and begins to fiddle with one of the jet pods.) STEVE: Fiddle, fiddle about! OTHERS: ? STEVE: Let the audience figure it ou- *WHACK**CRACK* LAURA: 4th Wall, you idiot! >Tofu: Here and there. JAYNE: Don't forget everywhere...? STEVE: Beneath, Between, & Behind... LAURA: You know, places. >Just doing my job, treating the sick and injured. A recent outbreak of Calamari fever has kept me on my toes. STEVE: Squid Fever...? JAYNE: Ugh. He is obviously referring to the Mon Calamari race from... STEVE: Laura...? LAURA: Yeah. STEVE: >(He glances over at Ranma, who is out of earshot.) >He won't give up on this Jedi thing, will he? > >Nodoka: No. He's practically obsessed with his quest to become a Jedi Ninja. I try to tell him that he's wasting his time, but... STEVE: Roaming round your house, wasting your time. >Tofu: I know. The Force is strong with him. Stronger than it is with you or me. > >Nodoka: I'm beginning to run out of excuses, and I'm not even sure if I should even keep trying. He is skilled, and powerful as well. Not to mention brash, overconfident, and violent... (she sighs.) He reminds me so much of his father. LAURA: So Ranma comes from a long line of Professional Wrestlers? >Tofu: That's what worries you, isn't it? > >Nodoka(quietly): Yes. (At this point, Ranma closes a small hatch on the side of the speeder and tosses the tool into a box.) > >Ranma(shouting): It's fixed! >(Nodoka looks surprised, and then walks over to the speeder.) > >Nodoka: What? LAURA: HE SAID, IT'S FIXED! It's not as fun without everyone... >Ranma: The speeder's fixed. The tank just needed cleaning, that was all. > >Nodoka(dubiously): Oh? > >Ranma: Watch. (He jumps into the drivers seat.) Stand back. >(She does, and surely enough the speeder smoothly hovers up off the ground. After a moment, Ranma shuts off the speeder, and it floats down again.) > >Nodoka: Impressive. LAURA: Do it again! >Ranma: Aww, it was nothing. Now, can I get back to my training? >(Nodoka mutely nods, and Ranma leaps back onto the rock. >Before he can restart his katas, however, his gaze is drawn to an approaching dust cloud. He watches it for a moment, and then calls the two adult's attention to it. Tofu looks at it, shielding his eyes from the sun.) LAURA: JAYNE: STEVE: Shall we be going, now? JAYNE: LAURA: Are you okay? STEVE: Fine. >Tofu: Sandcrawler. STEVE: Doctor. LAURA: Aquatranssexual. JAYNE: Horribly miscast Aunt Beru replac...ARGH! >Nodoka(brightening): LAURA: At least someone is... >Good. We need a new harvester droid. > >Ranma: Hey, I still got some money left from the tournament prize. I think I'll buy something, I've got nothing better to do with it. JAYNE: Origami! LAURA: Kindling! STEVE: Dinner! >Nodoka: Ranma... >(However, Ranma has already entered the hut. Tofu and Nodoka exchange glances.) LAURA: Aw, how cute! Tofu & Nodoka are falling in love! STEVE: Um...I should really have you watch some of Ranma 1/2 before we get much farther... >Tofu: Rash. > >Nodoka: Yes. LAURA: I need to get some lotion at the store, I'm chafing like a- JAYNE: Hey! My Line! >(After a moment, Ranma comes out just as the sandcrawler pulls >up. He waits impatiently until the "special" droids are unloaded, STEVE: >and then scans up and down the line. After a minute or so, he stops by a slightly scorched droid which would have looked exactly like a human girl, if it wasn't for her metallic skin and the spatula attached to her arm. He lifts the head, which lolls forward; her eyes seem to be glazed over.) LAURA: Insert Favorite Drug Reference here. STEVE: Okay. Snootchie Bootchies! JAYNE: ... >Ranma: Cool, an Okono unit. I haven't had one of these in twelve >years. JAYNE: He hasn't had his unit for twelve years? STEVE: >(Nodoka walks by, harvester droid in tow.) > >Nodoka: Then buy it. > >Ranma: I'll do that. >(He begins to haggle with one of the tiny creatures. STEVE: >However, he is interrupted by the sound of a throat clearing. LAURA: However, there was nothing there but a throat, and Ranma was completely grosssed out. >He turns and sees another droid. It is an almost perfect replica >of a human boy with glasses-save for the large dent on his head and metallic colour.) STEVE: This is the president of the NAARP, the National Association for the Advancement of Robotic People, and we HATE THIS FIC! LAURA: Hold together, Steve, remember what you told us, he can't beat us together! STEVE: I'm not the one who you should be worried about... JAYNE: ... >Ranma: Yes? STEVE: Jon Anderson, Bill Bruford, Rick Wakeman, Steve Howe, & Chris Squire. So What? JAYNE: Mmm...Chris... STEVE: This is really not looking good for her. LAURA: >Mousse: Excuse me, sir. The Okono unit and I are partners. It >would be cruel of you to separate us. > >Ranma: So? I don't want you. I don't even know what kind of droid you are. (Mousse blinks in surprise as Ranma turns back to the little creature.) JAYNE: STEVE: Uh-Oh. LAURA: What? STEVE: You remember what Anime she said she watched? LAURA: STEVE: Hold your ears. JAYNE: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! THEY'RE JAWAS!!! JAWAS, FOR THE LAST TIME! JAWAS! >How 'bout a thousand credits worth of Rumium? (The creature hesitates a moment, and then nods. Ranma grabs Ukyou and hands the creature some tiny metal bars. Ranma begins to walk off as some of the creatures pick up Mousse.) > >Mousse: No! Wait! (They drag him up the sandcrawler's ramp.) >This isn't how it's supposed to happen! You have to take both of us! JAYNE: Actually, the one droid has to break down and... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! >No! Help! No! >(The sandcrawler's door closes, cutting off Mousse' protests.) JAYNE: And his... >Ranma: I wonder what happened to this droid. (shrugs.) LAURA: Maybe she got zapped by a rifle that had a plate att...Nah. >Oh well, the robodoc'll fix her. >(He walks away. The scene switches, and it is now evening at the Skywalker hut. Two moons hover in the sky, above a garage-like building. STEVE: Not the garage, though. >Inside, we see Ukyou laying face-down on a slab. A med-droid hovers over her. He is manipulating something on the back of her head, but her "hair" obscures the view. STEVE: ...with my "laser", turning the moon into what I call a "Death Star"... LAURA: RIPOFF! STEVE: What was that? LAURA: Oh, nothing, DARTH! JAYNE: Ladies and Gentlemen, the Austin Powers 2 sketch! >On the opposite side of the room, Ranma is balancing by one foot on a pole. JAYNE: Hey Steve, is he balancing on you? >His eyes are covered by a scarf and a tiny sphere is floating around him. Every now and then, the ball will stop and silently flash. Every time this happens, Ranma will unerringly lash out with his foot and strike it. >After a few minutes of this, the med-droid stands up.) STEVE: Jeez, can you stop kicking that thing? You're giving me a headache. >Med-droid(mechanical monotone): The-Okono-unit-is-repaired-and-ready-for- >reactivation. > >Ranma: End program. LAURA: What the hey? It crashed? Damn Win98! >(He leaps to the ground and removes the scarf, tossing it on the >sphere.) > >Sphere(muffled monotone): You-have-scored-a-100-percent-success-ratio. > >Ranma(snorts): I can do better than that. LAURA: Modest Bastard, Isn't he? STEVE: About as modest as DJ Croft... >(Walks over to Ukyou.) >Okay, let's boot'er up. STEVE: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that. LAURA: Non-System Disk or Disk Error. Please Try again. >(The med-droid reaches out and tops something on Ukyou's back. She shudders, than groans and rolls over. Her eyes are closed and face looks tired.) STEVE: It's monday morning. LAURA: Who cares if Face looks tired, what about Ukyou? >Ranma: Hello... STEVE: Hello... JAYNE: Hello... LAURA: Hello... ALL: Hello! >(Ukyou's eyes snap open, STEVE: ...leaking optic fluid everywhere and leaving her as blind as Mousse. >and she jumps to her feet, spatula extending to battle length. She waves it in front of her and growls menacingly. Ranma leaps back with a yelp.) JAYNE: yelp. >Ranma: Hey, what kind of crazy droid are you?! LAURA: The best damn kind! STEVE: ? LAURA: >(Ukyou stops, blinks, and then recognition dawns on her face. She retracts her spatula and jumps up and down, cooing in joy. Ranma stares at her, dumbfounded. She suddenly stops and glomps onto Ranma.) > >Ukyou: RANCHAN! > >Ranma:.... JAYNE: ... STEVE: ..... JAYNE: ..... STEVE: ...---... JAYNE: . STEVE: -.--/-.--/--.. LAURA: >(Apparently he is having trouble replying. Perhaps Ukyou crushing his ribcage has something to do with it.) LAURA: Perhaps. >Ukyou: My darling Ranchan! We've been reunited after all this time! > >Ranma:.... >(He is turning blue.) STEVE: And I guess that's why they call it the blues... >Ukyou: I thought you were dead, Ranchan! I was so crushed! >(Speaking of crushed, Ranma has turned some interesting shades; purple, yellow, polka dot, plaid.) JAYNE: They've gone to Plaid! >Ukyou: My beloved! I'll never leave your side again! >(Ranma's eyes roll back in his head and his head lolls to the side, tongue hanging out.) > >Ukyou: Ranchan! Ranchan!...Ranchan? (She notices his condition.) Ranchan? (She shakes him a bit, his head lolls to the other side.) Ranchan?!? (She looks worried.) Ranchan! (She drops him on the floor.) Breathe, Ranchan, breathe! STEVE: See Ranchan. See Ranchan not breathe. Breathe, Ranchan, Breathe. >(She smashes him in the chest in an impersonation of CPR.) > >Ranma: Aagh! >(He folds up around the fist, but collapses again.) > >Ukyou: Ranchan! [I can't let you die! Not when we've just found each other again.] LAURA: What the hell? Is she telepathic now? JAYNE: [She's not the only one...] STEVE: Oh, God...Jayne, if you start having hallucinations, moving things with your mind, and screaming about Akira, I'm going to have to kill you... >(She begins CPR in earnest, lingering a _bit_ longer on the oral part than necessary. LAURA: Hey, Steve, wanna practice CPR a bit later...? STEVE: Huh? >After the third time, Ranma's eyes snap open. He looks at the droid-who is busily breathing in his mouth. With a cry he flings her off of him. He jumps to his feet and assumes a defensive stance.) > >Ranma: Get away from me, you crazy droid! > >Ukyou(hurt): You don't remember me! LAURA: You don't remember our night in Las Vegas? >Ranma(surprised): Of course I don't remember you! I've never seen you before in my life! I'm sure of that because I would remember a crazy droid like you! STEVE: I'd be scarred for life, you think I'd forget something like that? >Ukyou: But Ranchan, it's me, Ucchan! > >Ranma: I don't know any...who? LAURA: How can he not know the Who? They must not listen to Rock 'n Roll in a galaxy far, far away... STEVE: Yeah, I call that a Bargain, The best I ever had... JAYNE: Chris was the best *I* ever had... >Ukyou: Ucchan! Your old droid Ucchan! > >Ranma: Ucchan? But that's impossible! Ucchan was a... > >Ukyou: Boy. Yes, I know. STEVE: Okay, now the crossover's getting to me... JAYNE: Took you that long? >After your ...father(she hisses the word with loathing) LAURA: But 'with loathing' is two words! >sold me, I was bought by a rich family to be their daughter's companion. > >Her father decided to rebuild me as a girl so she would relate to me more easily. LAURA: Of course I can see how a young girl going through puberty could relate to a robot... JAYNE: Mpft! STEVE: Girls, that's YOUR department, not mine. >Ranma: Okay...I can understand that. > >Ukyou: Yes, but now fate thrown us together again darling! >(She tries to glomp him again, but he dodges.) LAURA: I guess all that ninja nonsense was for dodging crazy, lovesick robots... STEVE: And Chinese Amazons, and lost warriors, and Shakespearean bokken masters... >Ranma: What's all this "darling" stuff? Sure, we were friends, but you never called me darling. > >Ukyou: They think it's something wrong with my programming, but I know it isn't. It's love, Ranchan, true love! > >Ranma: Love?!? But...you're a droid! You can't love me! LAURA: Love is irrelevant. Our primary function is to serve the collective. Resistance is futile. >Ukyou: But can't you see? That proves it was meant to be! JAYNE: What's the deal here with all this poetry? STEVE: Can't you see? Oh, Can't you see, what that woman, Lord, she been doin' to me... >If I, a droid, can fall in love with you, than our love transcends all natural laws! Oh Ranchan, it's so romantic! (Her eyes sparkle and shine, and she stands in a "star-struck lover" pose.) LAURA: JAYNE: STEVE: >Ranma: Uh...wait a sec... >(He is interrupted by the sound of the door banging open. They both look, and see the droid from the lineup. It appears much the same as before, save that the dent on his head is gone, and he has a fresh burn mark on his shoulder. He raises his arm and points a shaking finger at Ranma.) > >Mousse: YOUUU! LAURA: You Anteater! STEVE: Obscure, yes... >Ukyou: Hi, Mousse. > >Ranma: What are you doing here? I didn't buy you. I thought they took you. JAYNE: they're coming to take me away, ha ha... >Mousse: They did! I was forced to fight my way out and come back across the desert unaided! Now I'll kill you for what you have put me through! > >Ukyou: What's this? JAYNE: A bad fanfic. Next? STEVE: And you didn't even read his MSTs! *WHACK* for good measure! >Ranma: I haven't the slightest idea. > >Mousse: Enough talk! Prepare to die, human! LAURA: Johnny C.? Is that you? >(Mousse flings himself at Ranma, sending a stream of chained, cabled, and stringed objects at him. Ranma frantically dodges the hurricane of weapons. Mousse begins to chase Ranma around the room, hurling an assortment of weapons at him, from knives and bolas to plastic dinosaur models STEVE: Oh, no! Cory the one-armed dinosaur! >and portraits of famous authors. Ranma dodges it all with ease but is unable to get in close enough to fight back. Finally, Ranma lures Mousse until the droid is standing underneath a rack of spare parts. With a yell Ranma grabs the training drone and hurls it up with all his might. Through some combination of luck and skill he manages to hit the release lever. At that moment, Mousse suddenly sprouts a variety of blades from every part of his body, looking like an insane porcupine.) STEVE: Dark Sonic? LAURA: This fic's prejudiced against insane porcupines, too? JAYNE: Whaddaya expect from the one-eyed fic author... STEVE: I think she's losing it... >Mousse: Now you are... (The rack screeches, and he looks up.) >Oh, man... STEVE: No, rack! >(The two ton pile of electronic equipment cascades onto him. >Just then, Nodoka walks in.) > >Nodoka: Ranma, if you're done with you're done with your droid, LAURA: Okay, slipup in the time-space continuum! STEVE: No, the record just skipped, that's all. >it's time to...to...uh... >(She stops, staring at the scene before her. Ranma is standing on top of the huge pile of junk. One foot is planted firmly on Mousse's head, squashing the hapless droid's face into the heap. Mousse is whirling his arms about in a vain attempt to rip Ranma apart. At the same time, the rest of Ranma's appendages are holding back Ukyou, who is struggling to glomp onto Ranma while she coos about his injuries. Ranma smiles thinly, with a hint of mania in his eyes.) JAYNE: Him too? >Ranma: Hi, mom. (He chuckles.) I'm a little busy right now, could you please come back later, after I've tidied up a bit? > >Nodoka: Uh...sure, I guess... LAURA: I'm worried about the Beaver... >(The scene cuts to a view of space. The Imperial Star Destroyer floats leisurely into view. STEVE: And floats through, and keeps floating... >The camera zooms inside, STEVE: *CRUNCH* Captain, we've got a hull breach! >and we see Darth Saotome, kneeling before a shadowy form in a holo- >projector. JAYNE: Downloading more Panda Porn, I see... >All of the shadowy figures STEVE: It's a mob meeting? >features are blurred and distorted by distance, so that only an impression of age and unspeakable evil are evident.) LAURA: Hey! My kinda people! >Image(voice is distorted by static): Well, my pupil, how goes our plan? > >Saotome(printout): All proceeds according to plan, my lord Emperor. > >Emperor: Excellent. And my...shipment? JAYNE: His...Package? LAURA: I just bought a buncha stuff off Ebay and it should be arriving soon... STEVE: Not if that's who I think it is... >Saotome: I have stripped another world of its most precious >resource, Emperor. It is being sent through hyperspace >even as we speak. STEVE: LAURA: What do you have to be worried about? STEVE: It's just...Saotome's master wants... JAYNE: What? STEVE: BOTH: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! >Emperor: Good. By the way, my student, I have discovered something in the Force which may interest you. > >Saotome: Yes? > >Emperor: Three people will come into the power of the Force in the >near future. STEVE: Three people? EMS Systems, that's us! LAURA: Hmm, no blatant plugs there... JAYNE: No, not at all... >Saotome(printout fills the screen): WHAT?!? STEVE: NANI?!?! (I'm a fanboy & proud of it!) ALL: HE SAID, THREE PEOPLE WILL COME INTO THE POWER OF THE FORCE IN THE NEAR FUTURE!!! >Emperor: I do not know where or whom, but I want these new recruits. Bring them to me, so that my greatest quest may be accomplished. > >Saotome: Just as I brought you Kunou, so shall I bring you these >newcomers. > >Emperor: Do _not_ fail me. STEVE: Sounds like me talking to my teachers... LAURA: We will *not* be undersold... >(The holo-field shuts down. The panda looks at it for a long moment, STEVE: Hmn. Nothing on TV. >then rises to his feet.) > >Saotome: [Do not worry, "Emperor". After I have taken these children, STEVE: NERV might have something to say about that... >you will never have anything to worry about again.] >(Deep inside the Imperial Star Destroyer, we see a typical Imperial stockade. One of the doors are open, and we hear shouting from inside. Suddenly, an officer flies out the door. He lands in a heap, a badly beaten interrogation droid embedded in his chest. Seconds later, another officer is hurled out of the room. He crashes beside the first. Princess Akane walks out of the cell. She is still wearing her gi, and looks _pissed_.) > >Akane: And stay out! JAYNE: ...of my pants! >(A dozen or so stormtroopers are there. They nervously exchange glances, then reluctantly level their guns at her. LAURA: And they're afraid to shoot her, why? STEVE: Talk like Yoda you can't 'till we get to Ran Wars, Episode 5! >She growls at them and they drop their weapons and flee down the hall. Akane stalks back into the cell and slams the door. Admiral Harkov, who has been standing further down the hall with Kunou, sighs exasperatedly.) STEVE: Stormtroopers. It's so hard to find good help these days... >Harkov: That's the fourth team she's clobbered. LAURA: Do you think she could play for the imperial football team? >Kunou: Hmph. I have told you, Admiral, that mere technological toys will not heal her of this curse. Only the power of my love (dramatic stance) and the death of the fiend who enslaves her heart will free her soul! STEVE: Which song to sing? 'Toys in the Attic'? 'Power of Love'? 'Freebird'? I can't decide! LAURA: I shall have them both! >Harkov: Uh...yeah...sure...whatever. >(The stormtroopers venture back into the hallway cautiously, see that the coast is clear, STEVE: Yeah, the coast, but what about the hallway? >and begin collecting their fallen officers.) > >Kunou: If only I had time to seek out the foul wretch...but nay, >I must remain to assist my sensei. >(There is a beeping noise. LAURA: Damn... >Kunou turns to a screen on the wall and activates it. Darth Saotome appears.) > >Kunou: Ah, honourable Saotome-sensei, we were just speaking of you. JAYNE: Speak of the Devil... STEVE: ...and soon should he appear. >Saotome(printout): I'm sure. Listen up, Kunou. I have a mission >for you. STEVE: We're on a mission from God... JAYNE: Your mission, should you choose to accept it... >Kunou: I am at your command. (Bows.) > >Saotome: I need you to find several people for me. > >Kunou: Whom? JAYNE: Byers, Frohike, & Langley? STEVE: Ikari, Ayanami, & Langly? LAURA: Whoever wrote this cheesy dialogue. I want them killed. >Saotome: Three people who will exhibit powers of the Force. STEVE: Those dang MSTers! JAYNE: EGO TRIP! >Kunou: At once, my lord. [Could one of these people be the cad who has enslaved fair Akane? Of course! Only one of the warriors of the Dark Side STEVE: And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes, I'll see you on the Dark Side of the Moon... LAURA: Dark Side...of Sailor Moon...? Now THAT's a fanfic idea... STEVE: I'm already writing it. LAURA: Ah... JAYNE: PLUG! >could suppress her love for me!] >I shall take the Blue Thunder and search the far corners of the galaxy for these people. > >Saotome: Try the centre, too. LAURA: Oh, and don't forget the centER! >Kunou: Hai. LAURA: It that it? STEVE: I think so. JAYNE: YES! YES! THAT'S ALL! IT'S ALL THERE IS! HAHAHAHA! THERE IS NO MORE! THERE WILL NEVER BE ANYMORE! I AM NO MORE! NOTHING! NOTHING IS ANYMORE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! STEVE & LAURA: JAYNE! 1...2...3...4...5...6... "No, Jayne! Don't!" Steve yelled. "Don't give in!" Laura added. It was too late. Jayne had already slammed her hand down on top of the sickly green button on the console, marked "For complete submission to Dr. Clayton Forrester". Just as Steve and Laura arrived at the console, the hexscreen lit up. In a big, soft, comfy office chair, ["BRING OUT THE COMFY CHAIR", Steve riffed unconciously] smoking a celebratory cigar, was Dr. F. He turned to our intrepid heroes [?]. "Hello," he oozed, "Are you ready to submit to my ultimate power?" Jayne stepped forward, tears streaming down her rather pretty face. "Yes," she said, "I can't take anymore..." Steve, eyes burning with rage, stepped in front of the crying teen. "You seem to have forgotten one thing." He looked at Laura. "Two things." Laura glared her defiance at the Mad Scientist, saying, "You've only defeated one mentally unstable Star Wars Fangirl..." Dr. F grinned, "But isn't the world made up of people who are messed up in some way? And don't most people like Star Wars? I'd say with this fic, I've finally got the power to take over the world. Oh, and Jayne? Thank you very much, you loser." Jayne faints. "How ironic," Dr. F mused, "that one of Frank's good fics will be the one that allows me to take over the world! He began to laugh like only a maniacal genius can, "I'M THE GOD! I'M THE GOD! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! TODAY, AN UNSTABLE FANGIRL, TOMORROW, THE WORLD!!!" Frank quietly walks behind Dr. F and pushes the button for him. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Will Dr. Forrester take over the world? What will happen to our intrepid heroes (& their insane sellout companion)? ALSO, NO-ONE WILL BE SEATED FOR THE DREADED BEDROOM SCENE!!!! All this and more on "EMS Systems: Episode 3"! Adapted for radio by putting it on a piece of board and driving a few nails through it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ AUTHOR NOTES: STEVE: Ack...that episode was rough...Let me explain...You know how most bands these days have a really good first album, then they decide to get all 'artsy' and make a second one that is hated by the general public? This is EMS' second MST, and we went in all those oddball directions this time. Also, we did not get an assist from Ms. Wenner [AGAIN], and we were forced to kill her off...so to speak. This marks Jayne Wenner's exit from EMS. I believe I understand what happened, though. Soon after we began our first MST, and she was more active in the planning stages, she found a boyfriend. This in itself is not a bad thing, but as you can see by many of our riffs, she obsesses quite a bit....and basically ignores the fics. If I wanted her to actually MST something, I'd have to build a satellite myself. Oh, well. I don't hate you Jayne, but us single people here are rather ticked. It seems anyway, that our best work occurs with only two MSTers. Of course, 'Thank-You's go to Epsilon & Blade, for giving permission to MST their fic, especially Epsilon, who sent me my first ever email (giving permission). I, the one who taught the teachers how to use the computers in elementary school, have finally joined the internet generation. Big Deal. Thanks to the helpful people in and around Shinji's Vault, for answering my questions and not killing me. STEVE: Pleeeease...Don't murder me... Oh, well. Oh, my. Oh, shit. etc. See you next time... Yes, there will be a next time... JAYNE: STEVE: Gone insane, or making out with Chris? You decide! LAURA: I wanna thank Steve for the Edge joke. I also wanna thank the writers of WWF Smackdown. No reason, just because. Josh, for lending his PlayStation (I hope to regain feeling in my right arm). And, If I didn't thank you the first time, then I'm not gonna thank you here. Thank You, Farewell, and Goodnight, from both of us here at EMS Systems... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Send C&C, flames, suggestions, & other stuff like that (including food) to echo_albarn@hotmail.com ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "EMS Systems, Episode 2", (C) 2000: EMS Systems. Albatross! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ WAIT! BEFORE YOU LEAVE! BLATANT SELF-PLUG! If you've ever wanted to see an AA go through Kenny McCormick-Style abuse, read my short fic "Echo Albarn Almost Infiltrates SVAM", which might (I'm on my knees, begging you, Mr. McLees) be posted on SVAM sometime soon...and if you want to MST it, I don't think it could be done. If you want, I give carte blanche, BUT...It's your challenge. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ >Kunou: I shall take the Blue Thunder and search the far corners of the galaxy for these people. > >Saotome: Try the centre, too. > >Kunou: Hai.