This is a test of the Emergency Misting System (EMS). If ever an unmisted fanfic crosses into the internet, it will automatically be misted for your protection and enjoyment. STEVE: This sounds frighteningly like one of those industrial ads from 'Brazil'. We would appreciate it if the misting staff would not riff during their own introduction. LAURA: @#$%&! Anyway, you should know the deal. Normal folk shot into space, forced to view bad media, thanks to the evil Dr. Forrester, BOTH: DIE! who is using these "experiments" in order to find the one piece that will break our heroes' spirits. STEVE: As of our last meeting, he had already crushed the spirit of one of our companions, and is planning to unleash the fic that did it on an unsuspecting world. LAURA: Luckily, we were able to convince him that unless it beat all of us, it couldn't beat the entire world. STEVE: He's given us a week to prepare for the remainder of the fic. LAURA: If we fail, may God have mercy on us all... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ AUTHORS- STEVE (Steven Sulzer): The Main Author of this series. Take Mousse's (Ranma 1/2) Glasses, brown hair that never stays in place, Anthony Michael Hall's (Breakfast Club) geekish form, voice that (depending on mood) can switch between Zelgadis (Slayers)and Loud Kiddington (Histeria), a personality about as unstable as Shinji Ikari's (Evangelion), and a taste in music as eclectic as College Radio, a penchant for wearing a green army coat and drinking tea, and you've got Steve...kinda. JAYNE (Jayne Wenner): Take Lina Inverse's Attitude & Hair(though she's more like Asuka Langly when ticked off), cross it with a rather more *mature* body, toss in an insanely long list of guys drooling at her feet, and a mild internet addiction (along with a more severe Barenaked Ladies addiction), and that's Jayne...kinda. CURRENTLY COMATOSE IN HER ROOM ONBOARD THE SATELLITE OF LOVE. LAURA (Laura Miceli): Take Lina Inverse's body (discarded from the previous exercise), add hair that's a bit like Kiriya's (El Hazzard), a mildly goth attitude and style of dress, a facination with wrestling and the comic works of Jhonen Vasquez ("Johnny the Homicidal Maniac", "Squee"), and that's Laura...kinda. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ EMS Systems: Episode 3 Ran Wars (Episode 1/2), by Epsilon & Blade, part 3 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 1. Ranma 1/2, and all stuff associated with it, is property of Rumiko Takahashi. 2. MST3k, and all stuff associated with it, is property of Best Brains, Ltd. 3. Star Wars, and all stuff associated with it, is property of Lucasfilm. 4. Ran Wars is a work owned by the aforementioned Epsilon & Blade, whomever they are. This misting is just for kicks. I'm not trying to be mean. If you don't like the fact that I've MSTed you, tell me. It will be removed from the internet ASAHP. (Even though I already got permission...) 5. Any mention of random stuff is not an attempt to infringe on copyrights held by other people. 6. It's just parodies and fanfics anyway, lighten up! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Cord...check. Amps...check. Stereo...check. Music...check. Steve got up from his bedroom floor, turned round, and gazed at his acheivement. He had built an insanely large stereo system out of spare P.A. system parts that just happened to be lying about the satellite. Making the final connection, Steve plugged the monstrosity in. Sliding Nine Inch Nails' "The Fragile" CD into the machine, he skipped ahead to "The Frail". As the first haunting notes of the piano solo drifted into the room, Steve took up his cup of tea and sat down. Attempting to form the lotus position and failing miserably, Steve sat cross-legged on the bed. Sipping at his Chamomile tea, he barely noticed his door open. Dressed in cutoffs and a tanktop, Laura walked into the room. "The Frail?" she said, "What kind of a wuss are you? At least put on something harder." "I happen to be enjoying the peace and quiet." Laura began to pace nervously. "I feel like I have to do something...a mosh pit would feel real good right now." Steve put down his cup of tea. "Why are you so hyper? Just relax a bit." "I'm surprised you're so kicked-back, we've got a half-hour 'till the rest of the fic that put Jayne into a coma." Steve shrugged, "By the way, how's she doing?" Laura looked down at the ground and paused. "No change," she said. Downing the last of his tea, Steve got up and walked over to Laura. Draping an arm across her shoulders, they shared a hug. "I know, I know...but we can't let this get to us, think about all the stuff on Earth, we've got to be cheerfully sarcastic if we want to survive." The two parted. "Well, got any bright ideas? I for one, don't think this," she gestured toward the stereo equipment and its current selection, "are going to help you or me be 'cheerfully sarcastic' as you put it..." Steve pushed a button and ejected the CD. Tossing it onto the bed, he removed another one from his case. Putting it into the stereo, he said one word: "Listen." [If you have a copy of Frank Zappa's 1975 album "Bongo Fury", play "The Muffin Man" now. If you don't, look it up.] "Hmph, that sounds like Dr. F." was her only comment. "But wasn't it funny? I mean, think about it." Laura tilted her head to the side. Steve went on, "The muffin man, Dr. F, it's all irony." "Yeah, but it's not really funny..." "Hmph." Steve quickly switched CDs. ["Pulling Teeth", by Green Day] "Now just look me in the eye and tell me that song doesn't just make you laugh." Laura had a pained face. "Ack...greasy...aura-of-smooth... overwhelming..." She couldn't even finish without giggling. Steve looked skyward for some assistance. No answer. At that point, he decided to take matters into his own hands. Grabbing his bedpillow, he clocked Laura upside the head with it. Just before she could retaliate, however, Magic Voice interrupted. "Guys, your time ran out. The mads are calling." In a slightly quieter tone, she added, "Good Luck." Frank was happy. For the past week, Dr. F was so pleased with the way things were going on the SOL that Frank hadn't had to be experimented on once! Humming a little tune, he walked over to Dr. F and awaited the beginning of today's SOL experiment. With extreme trepidation, Steve walked up to the console and hit a button. The hexfield viewscreen opened up, revealing the visage of Dr. F and TV's Frank. Standing motionless and silent, Laura and Steve waited for the Doctor to go onto a massive ego trip. Which he did. "...And furthermore, I bid you adieu, and will wait for you to exit the theatre and pledge your allegiance to ME! BWAHAHAHAHA! LET THE INSANITY BEGIN! FRANK! SEND THEM THE FIC!" "Done, Steve." Steve turned to Laura. Laura looked at Steve. They shrugged and waited for the signal. "OOOOOOOOOOHHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!" Door 6: It's a set of three identical books, sitting on pedestals. After puzzling over the magic words, you finally cough them out and continue on. Door 5: It's very thick foliage. From Malletspace (TM), Laura pulls out Ol' Painless. In seconds, the forest is cleared away. Door 4: It's a cornfield. You spend several minutes arguing whether it's from "Children of the Corn" or "Field of Dreams", then walk through it anyway, waving hi to all the demons and dead baseball players you find. Door 3: It's a piece of purple armorplate. After banging on it for a few minutes, with no response, EVA-01 launches to defend the Geofront again, leaving the hallway clear. Door 2: It's dirt, and it goes upward. After digging your way out with your hands, you find a tombstone with the name "Draven" on it. Door 1: The workers are all gone now, and the completed final door stands before you. To piss you off, Dr. F has installed the most evil door ever created. The 5th door at Target of Killeen, TX. On the outside, it says "Not an Entrance"; on the inside, it says "Not an Exit". Laura enters first and takes a seat near the middle of the theatre. Steve follows close behind, and sits at her right. STEVE: Where'd you get that gun from anyway? >(Scene cuts back to the hut. STEVE: ACTION...Hey, Ranma, put the pizza away! LAURA: Mmmph, Grorm... >There is a large, round table in the centre of the room. At one end, Tofu >and Nodoka sit. LAURA: The end of the round table...Arthur gets backstabbed... STEVE: The Church is intolerant and the world is run by a handful of wealthy white men. >Ranma is sitting to his mother's right, watching Ukyou and Mousse >apprehensively. The two droids sit at the other end, calm expressions on >their metallic faces.) LAURA: Tonight, on the McLaughlin Group... >Tofu: Okay, let's get this straight. You (he points at Ukyou) are their (he >points at Ranma and Nodoka) old Okono droid, then called Ucchan. > >Ukyou: Hai. LAURA: And the party of the first part and the party of the second part and the lawyer... STEVE: That's enough, child. >Tofu: And by some accident of technology or fate LAURA: Or plot contrivance... >you fell in love with him. (points at Ranma.) > >Ukyou: Hai. STEVE: But why? Look at him, he's a bum! LAURA: A-*hem*. STEVE: Oh. Sorry. >Tofu: However, his father (Ukyou growls softly and Nodoka winces) sold you >before you could gather the courage to tell Ranma. > >Ukyou(angrily): Right. STEVE: No, Left! LAURA: Lefty? When'd he get here? STEVE: Suck-up... >Tofu: And then you were purchased by a family, who rebuilt you as a girl so >their daughter could relate to you. > >Ukyou: Hai. LAURA: What is this, a Ratliff fic? Everybody keeps saying hi! >Tofu: And you think fate has reunited you with Ranma so you can be >together. LAURA: Someday, Love will find you... >Ukyou(dreamy voice): I don't think it, I know it! STEVE: 'Cause, you know, I just KNOW these things, right? >Tofu: Uh-huh. STEVE: I don't buy it. >(He turns to Mousse.) And you want to kill Ranma because he didn't buy you. LAURA: You see? This is another of Hollywood's attempts to make it seem like slaves liked slavery! It's all a conspiracy! STEVE: Uh, Mr. Lee, I think it should be noted that "Mousse" is white... LAURA: Oh. My bad. >Mousse(to a picture on the wall): Not any more. I was merely angered >earlier. I no longer have any desire to harm Ranma. > >Ukyou: Good. Because if you did, I'd have to kill you. LAURA: When did this turn into a Mission Impossible crossover? STEVE: Right after they finish up "Episode I"... >Nodoka: No problem there, then. By the way Mousse, I'm not familiar with >your model. >(Mousse turns to a potted plant.) STEVE: Hmn...must have fallen in cursed spring of drowned potted plant... >Mousse: I'm not surprised. I am a prototype of the NoCP0 hidden weapon >combat droid. My kind are being developed for use in the Rebellion, but >there are still some glitches to be worked out in the optical circuits. > >Nodoka: So I see. LAURA: And you don't! Nyah, nyah! >Okay, now there is still something I'd like to know. What exactly are you >two doing here? LAURA: Me 'n Steve? We're reading a fic! >Ukyou(surprised): Oh my! STEVE: Kasumi's not here, you're gonna have to cover for her. LAURA: All right...WARDROBE! I need a kimono! >I almost forgot, in the excitement of being reunited with Ranchan and >all...we are LAURA: ...catching up on the plot for everyone who didn't read the first two parts... >droids in the service of Princess Akane Tendo. LAURA: I'm just wondering what kind of *service* this is... STEVE: Ecchi. >Tofu: Princess Akane? The daughter of King Soun of Dojo? > >Ukyou: Yes, there aren't all that many Princess Akanes. At any rate, she >was on her way here to marry someone named Skywalker and... >(She stops, looking slightly confused as Ranma, Nodoka, and Tofu stare at >her. LAURA: WHAT is that thing on your forehead? >Mousse is staring at an ornamental vase.) > >Ranma: Ukyou, what was that name again? STEVE: What's your name, little girl? LAURA: What's my age again? >Ukyou: Skywalker, and as I was saying... > >Nodoka: Ukyou. LAURA: IN A STEEL CAGE FIGHTING TO THE DEATH! STEVE: Ack! My ears! >Ukyou(slightly peeved): Yes? STEVE: You're acting like a ditz! >Nodoka: Do you remember our last name? > >Ukyou: I suppose. LAURA: Brain the size of a planet, *of course* I'd remember the bloody name... >It was not really necessary before, so I didn't store it in my frontal >memory banks. Just a second. >(She pauses, and her eyes become distant. STEVE: She's channeling Rei Ayanami? >After a moment, she returns to normal, a slightly frightened expression on >her face.) STEVE: No...don't make me read...that FIC!!!! LAURA: Well, you'd better get it off quick, those expressions can bite! >Oh no. You are... > >Nodoka: Ranma and Nodoka Skywalker. > >Ukyou: There aren't any other Skywalkers in this system? >(Tofu shakes his head.) LAURA: Take those headphones off! I'm asking you a question! >Tofu: I'm afraid STEVE: ...of Americans, I'm afraid of the world... LAURA: Take them off! >not. > >Ukyou: And you're related to the royal family of Nerima? > >Nodoka: Very, very distantly, but yes. STEVE: Am I the only one that this sounds wrong to? >Ukyou: Oh no! STEVE: Guess not. >Ranma: You mean I'm engaged to this princess? > >Tofu: It appears that way. If the deal was made between the royal houses >that LAURA: ...they couldn't refuse... >a daughter of one house and a son of the other should be married, than it >is legally binding that you, as the oldest living male heir, will marry >her. LAURA: Sucks to be you, huh? >Ranma: I don't care. I'm not marrying some person I haven't even met! STEVE: Besides, Her legs are too thick, she's built like a brick... LAURA: How do you know? You've never met her STEVE: ...her cooking makes me sick, I pre-read the fic... >Nodoka: It's the law, Ranma. Besides, she's a princess. > >Ranma: Who cares? BOTH: We don't. STEVE: Way too easy. >Even if she is a princess, I'm not marrying a girl I've never even seen. > >Nodoka: We'll get back to this later. Ukyou, please continue. > >Ukyou(petulantly): Well...okay. Well, LAURA: There once were these two guys who called themselves Blade 'n Epsilon, and they wrote this crossover, see? STEVE: Oh... >Princess Akane was on her way here to marry...Ranma, when an Imperial Star >Destroyer caught up with us and captured her. Akane barely managed to send >us away in an escape pod, with a message for her father. We landed here >and...well, you know the rest. STEVE: Insert "X-Raider"-style recap here. >Nodoka: I see. LAURA: ...cried the blind man to his deaf dog, yadda yadda yadda. >Ranma: Oh well. Guess I don't have to marry her after all. > >Tofu: Not so fast, boy. STEVE: You WILL rake the leaves! LAURA: Aw... >(To Ukyou.) Show us this message. >(Ukyou frowns, but obediently goes into her faraway look. STEVE: Cool and detached, gotta remember cool and detached...soon, I will be able to pilot EVA-00... LAURA: You're just gonna run this Evan...Evangelo STEVE: Evangelion. LAURA: Thank you. You're just gonna run this into the ground, huh? STEVE: At least until we get to read a EVA fic. >After a moment, a tiny image appears on the table. It is Princess Akane.) > > >Akane: To whoever is watching this message, I am Princess Akane Tendo of >the planet Dojo. LAURA: So, since we're reading it, you're NOT Princess Akane? >I have been captured by imperial forces, and I ask you to bring this droid >to my father, King Soun Tendo of Dojo. You will be rewarded >handsomely. I would like you to turn off the message now. (She pauses for >a few seconds.) STEVE: I'm waiting, you can turn it off anytime now... >Father, I need your help. Do not comply with any of Darth Saotome's >(both Tofu and Nodoka wince, but no one notices) LAURA: Ah, the fic put the rest of them to sleep too... >demands. I want you to rescue me, but do not give into that slime. I love >you, father...goodbye. >(The image disappears, and Ukyou comes back to normal.) LAURA: She's coming back, thanks to the healing powers of sex... STEVE: Sicko. LAURA: Thank you. >Ukyou: That's all. STEVE: Band: Genesis. Album: Genesis, released 1983. Track #2. LAURA: Bored, huh? STEVE: But it's not driving me insane. >Nodoka: Okay, everyone, let's pack up. LAURA: Dude, the Dead's playing in Monterey! STEVE: But we live in Michigan, man... LAURA: Dude, who cares? Pack up the van, we're goin'... >Ranma: Why? > >Nodoka: We are going to Dojo to deliver this message. Then we are going to >rescue the princess. LAURA: Then, we are going to get a pizza! STEVE: One, torture. Two, obtain a signed confession. Three, NOTHING! There is no third thing! >Ranma: What!?! BOTH: SHE SAID, "WE ARE GOING TO DOJO TO DELIVER THIS MESSAGE. THEN WE ARE GOING TO RESCUE THE PRINCESS." >Nodoka: I thought I spoke clearly. STEVE: You did. LAURA: So know your role and shut your mouth! STEVE: Huh? >Ranma: I heard you, but...mom, have you lost your mind? LAURA: No, *she's* not stuck on a bleeding satellite! >Tofu: I don't think your mother has lost her mind, Ranma. LAURA: I think she's the only sane one left...BWAHAHAHAHAHA! >In fact, I think she and I have just regained ours. We are STEVE: DE-VO! Are we not men? D-E-V-O! >Jedi (Mousse and Ukyou look at him in shock.), and it's time we stopped >hiding. It is our responsibility to save the princess. STEVE: Just what I need. Anime characters lecturing *me* on responsibility... >(Ranma looks disgusted for a moment, and then smiles slyly.) > >Ranma: Well, you said I'm not a Jedi, so I guess I'll stay here. LAURA: What an idiot! He wants to STAY on Tatooi...I mean, whatever planet this is... >Nodoka: Ranma...(sighs) If you help us, I'll...I will train you in the ways >of the Jedi. LAURA: Ranma Saotome, Jedi-in-training...I just don't see it. >Ranma: You promise? > >Nodoka(reluctantly): Yes. > >Ranma: All right! STEVE: ...now, baby it's-a all right now... >Let's get going, then. LAURA: Let's Go! >Mousse: How will we get off this planet? And when we do, how will we find >the princess? STEVE: You ask too many questions, child. LAURA: Yeah, but ya gotta know these kind of things! >Nodoka: Tomorrow we will go into town and purchase transport to Dojo. Once >there, I am sure King Soun can help us find Princess Akane. >(Ranma stands up, yawns, and stretches.) > >Ranma: Right. See you tomorrow, mom. STEVE: Or not... >(He starts walking to his room. Ukyou gets up to follow, and he turns >back.) > >Ranma: Ucchan, where are you going? > >Ukyou(cheerfully): To your room, silly. LAURA: I want to make *you* a snack... STEVE: Laura...Jayne wouldn't even descend that low. LAURA: >Ranma(uncomfortable): Uh...no...that's okay, Ukyou. > >Ukyou(pouting): But I always used to sleep in your room before... >(Ranma has a flashback of Ukyou glomping him.) LAURA: I should NOT have done that acid...Woah... >Ranma: Uh...well, I'm bigger now, Ucchan. I don't need a companion at >bedtime anymore. LAURA: How much *bigger*? STEVE: He just wants to get some SLEEP! >Ukyou(still pouting): Okay. > >Tofu(under breath, to Nodoka): We're going to have to do something about >that. > >Nodoka(also under breath): Yes, and soon. LAURA: Alright. You go give him the Ether, and I'll grab my handy-dandy sex-change kit... >(We see the planet spinning slowly through space. STEVE: Had a bit much to drink, hmm? >Its two moons orbit slowly about the sphere. As we watch, a large ship >appears out of hyperspace. It is unusual in that it looks like a gigantic LAURA: Mah God, it's a giant- STEVE: Wang! what are you looking at? LAURA: In the sky! It's a flying- STEVE: Woody? Woody Harrelson? LAURA: Ladies & Gentlemen, the OTHER Austin Powers 2 sketch! Thank You! >sword. Its drive section make up the rectangular "handle", which leads into >a giant, disk-like bulge and then on to a long, narrow fore section, >tapering to a point. STEVE: No. One phallic joke per experiment. >A flight of TIE Fighters, Bombers, and Interceptors emerge from the bulge LAURA: That's just catchy for some reason. Hmn. 'Emerge from the Bulge'... STEVE: It's TV's Frank's new exercise video! >and surround the ship. STEVE: We're not going to hurt you! (SWAT teams, open fire!) LAURA: Is that even a pop-culture reference? STEVE: >As we watch, a space hatch opens and an Imperial Shuttle float out. Its >wings unfold, and with an escort of Gun LAURA: -dams? >boats, it descends toward the planet's surface. Inside the shuttle, we see >Kunou and a brigade of stormtroopers. With them is a small, almost >rat-like man, who is in the uniform of a general in the imperial army.) LAURA: All those people in a tiny-ass shuttle? Must be like a clown car... >Kunou: General Sasuke, I want you to make sure that you triple this lot >of stormtroopers before we begin the assault. STEVE: Look! No! Not Gojira! It Stormtroopers Tripled! >Sasuke: Yes, Master Kunou. > >Kunou: And secure all the ships at this spaceport. Whatever those cads >wanted in this system, I shall find it! STEVE: Kunou *is* Fisher Stevens *in* "Hackers"! >Sasuke: Yes. Is there anything else? >(Kunou thinks for a moment.) LAURA: Get me a Snickers bar, this may take a while... >Kunou: Study the list of known offenders to the Empire. If you locate any, >inform me at once. LAURA: Steve, that can't be Kuno! He hasn't spouted poetry once! >Sasuke: Yes, Master Kunou. STEVE: Sasuke! Anime's resident "Yes Man"! LAURA: I found some, Master Kunou! STEVE: Where? LAURA: Right here on this list, where you told me to look! >(The scene changes, LAURA: It's a little repetitive... STEVE: Would you rather have ********************************************************* *************************SCENE CHANGE***************** ********************************************************* every time it changed? >and we see the sun rising over a breathtaking desert vista. In the >distance, we see a speeder rapidly approaching. STEVE: ...with the State Police in hot pursuit. >As it gets close, we see Ranma & Co. seated within. Nodoka is driving, >with Tofu in shotgun. LAURA: Why does this remind me of "Natural Born Killers"? STEVE: Because you have no life? >The large back seat is occupied by Ranma on the left with Ukyou sitting >next to him. She has her hand on his leg, and every now and then he >glances down at it with a trapped look. LAURA: I'd be frightened too, If I was being molested by a robot. >Mousse sits on the right, taking potshots at passing rocks with tiny >darts-to his credit, he only misses twice.) > >Ranma: Er...Ucchan... LAURA: Left leg OR Right leg only, NO OTHER... STEVE: Ecchi! >Ukyou(dreamy voice): Yes, Ranma? > >Ranma: Could you please get your hand off my thigh? >(Ukyou pulls her hand off and looks at it in surprise.) STEVE: My God! It's a hand! >Ukyou: I didn't even realize it was there! Don't worry, Ranchan, I'll keep >it off your leg from now on. (She sits back and places her hand on his leg. > Ranma sighs.) LAURA: Oh, yeah...that's the spot, ohhhh... STEVE: Do we need a time out, Ms. Crow? >Ranma: Never mind... LAURA: What he said. >(Just then, a town comes into view. STEVE: Video Games these days, they just can't fix draw-in... >It looks like a mixup of a shanty town and a gleaming metal supercity. All >of the buildings save one are low, one story structures. STEVE: They'll spend the rest of their lives in San Ber'dino... >This larger building is roughly dome-shaped, and sports a sign that is >barely visible at this distance. Abruptly, Nodoka stops the speeder as >she spots something above the building.) > >Tofu: What is it? LAURA: That would be the sky... STEVE: Something...on the...wing... >(Nodoka points; everyone follows her finger-except Mousse, who is staring >back into the desert. Ukyou gasps and draws in air with a hiss.) STEVE: LAURA: What are you doing? STEVE: Trying to pull off that breathing thing. LAURA: It doesn't work. You sound kinda like Mulder imitating Spawn. >Ukyou: Imperial Gunboats! > >Tofu: The Empire has captured the town? Why? LAURA: Wait, here's a flyer...Elton John? What the Hell? >Mousse: They must have figured out that the Princess sent us here. They >want us for some reason. Perhaps they think we're holding information. LAURA: Information... Steve, have you noticed that they haven't mentioned the death star plans once this whole fic? >Tofu: For whatever reason, they hold the town. We won't be able to get >anything here. We'd best turn back. STEVE: At least, until the town gets too heavy for them. >Ranma: Not necessarily. LAURA: They might be working out... >Nodoka: What is it, son? > >Ranma: I know a place in town the imperials most likely haven't discovered >yet. It's a hangout for pirates, mercenaries, and rogues. They have a >fight every Friday that...I... >(Ranma trails off as he notices his mother's raised eyebrow.) LAURA: Look! The People's Eyebrow! That's Gimmick Infringement! STEVE: Jeez, for all you talk about the Rock, People are gonna forget about the fact that you're obsessed with those other guys... LAURA: Mmmm...The Hardy Boyz... *WHACK* LAURA: Ow... >Nodoka(ominously): We'll discuss this later, son. Are you saying we could >book passage there? (Ranma nods.) Where is it? > >Ranma: It's near the centre of town. STEVE: Of course, the Stormtroopers wouldn't look in the centre of town... LAURA: They're too busy looking in the centER! >We'll have to sneak past the guards to get there. >(Nodoka turns to look at Tofu.) LAURA: Yeah, to heck with sneaking. You toss the kid out the side and we'll run... >Nodoka: I'm a little rusty... STEVE: Got an oilcan? >Tofu: No problem. I've been dulling people's sense of touch long enough, >sight and hearing will be easy in comparison. >(Ukyou and Mousse look at her curiously.) LAURA: WHAT is he talking about? >Ukyou: You mean you really are Jedi Ninjas? I thought you were kidding! I >always thought the Force was a fairy tale, like magic. STEVE: And Jusenkyo is hard science, Mousse? >Nodoka: Believe me, Ukyou, the Force is not a fairy tale. For that matter >neither is magic, but that is unimportant right now. LAURA: And, in all actuality, "Star Wars" is a modern fairy tale, but that too is unimportant right now. >Mousse: Interesting. STEVE: Mousse *is* Spock! >Tofu; Okay. STEVE: "Tofu; Okay"...? Is this a pro-vegan fic? >Nodoka, take us in, but slowly. I haven't worked with so many people in a >long time. LAURA: Insert your favorite orgy joke here. STEVE: How...does it feel? >(Nodoka nods, and slowly drives the speeder into the city. Ukyou looks >about her in apprehension, but calms slightly as they pass the first two >groups of stormtroopers without incident. She looks over at Tofu, who has >his fingers pressed to his temples and is visibly sweating.) LAURA: I AM NOT AKIRA!!!!! >Ukyou(whispers to Ranma): Ran-chan, what's he doing? > >Ranma(whispers back): It's a Jedi trick I've read about. He's blocking >their senses so that they can't perceive us. It's a very difficult process. LAURA: STEVE: AH-CHOOOOO! LAURA: STEVE: Um, suddenly I have the urge to leave, so I can, uh, eat... >Nodoka(whispers): And you aren't helping it by talking, children. >(Both fall guiltily silent.) LAURA: Well, all I've got is goldfish... STEVE: >Nodoka(whispers): Now show us this cantena. >(The scene shifts to a smoky, dimly lit room. LAURA: The school bathroom? >Creatures of various species and sexes roam about in unusual dress. LAURA: Like I said... >In one corner, a strange blue-black squid alien warbles techno-music in >front of a karaoke machine. STEVE: >In another corner, a table stands in a shadowy alcove. On opposite sides >of it sit two figures. One is a fish-like humanoid, STEVE: And now...Find the Fish! >with a tiny microphone suspended in front of its mouth. The other is a >human boy, about 16 or 17. He is wearing a yellow vest and green pants, >and is good looking, in a rugged way. LAURA: Got that right... STEVE: >His unruly black hair is held up by a yellow and black bandanna. He places >a briefcase on the table.) LAURA: When'd this turn into a "Pulp Fiction" crossover? >Boy: As promised, 300 bars of legal weight duranium. >(He pops the case, LAURA: Insert your favorite "Sex with Suitcases" joke here. >and we see a lot of silvery bars. The creature speaks. When it blurbles >into the microphone, translated words come out.) STEVE: Klaatu Barada Nikto... LAURA: Translated, Steve. STEVE: They didn't say English...This isn't Star Trek... >Creature: Excellent. The reputation of Ryouga Solo for reliability-if not >punctuality-is well-founded. > >Ryouga(defensively): Well, I had a _little_ trouble finding this place. >Now, about my payment... >(Ryouga stops short, for some reason. Perhaps it has something to do with >the blaster being pointed at his face. STEVE: Perhaps. >The creature blurbles with laughter.) LAURA: Much more of that, and he'll boil over... >Creature: There will be no payment, Solo...at least not for you. Hut will >pay me handsomely for your hide. STEVE: Jabba vs. Pizza, who'd win? >Ryouga: Hey, I was going to pay Hut back. I just never got a chance. Hut >keeps moving that base... >(During this, Ryouga has reached down and grasped a small rod. It looks >like the handle of a lightsabre, but is slightly different.) > >Creature: You should have thought of that before. STEVE: When you're dumb, your whole body suffers... >Nobody cheats Hut and gets awaAAAAAUGH! >(The creature screams and flies away LAURA: It's a bird, It's a plane, no...It's...cannon fodder. >as there is a flash of light under the table. It begins to get up as >Ryouga pulls something up through the table-smashing it to pieces in the >process. STEVE: Thank GOD no-one has to pay for the property damage in Anime, our entire dimension would be broke! >The object resembles a lightsabre, but is shaped somewhat... differently. >It has a short, thin part, which abruptly thickens to several times as >wide, then tapers back to it's beginning thickness.) STEVE: read: It's a lightsaber shaped like an umbrella. >Creature: You'll pay for that, Solo... LAURA: Cash or Charge? >(It begins to advance, but is knocked unconscious as Ryouga smashes it over >the head with his unusual weapon.) STEVE: Check! >Ryouga: Well, that's... >(He stops as an alien at another table jumps up with a blaster. Ryouga >turns toward it and points his weapon like an arrow at the alien. STEVE: I...no, I won't do the Chan riff again. >As the creature pulls the trigger, so does Ryouga. Suddenly, Ryouga's >weapon remolds itself into a completely different shape. It is still as >long, but now is a uniform thickness until the end, where it thickens into >a large circular portion. LAURA: read: He opened the umbrella. >The blaster bolt ricochet into the alien, who spins around and falls with a >thud. LAURA: Oh, no! He landed on Ricardo Montalban! STEVE: What's he doing in a cantina full of aliens...Oh. Never mind. LAURA: Yeah, he fits right in... >Ryouga calmly deactivates his weapon and walks over to the bar, reaching it >after a few side trips to the stage, the bathroom, the gambling tables, and >Mars. STEVE: He's not *that* bad, he can find something if he's looking at it when he starts moving. >As he finally finds it and sits down, a group enters the cantena. It's >Ranma&Co. LAURA: Yes, it's Ranma&Co.! The one-stop shooping place for all your cursed martial artist's needs! >A large gorilla-like creature stops them.) > >Gorilla: Waid a sec', wuhz da pazz...oh hi, Ranma. Whuz youse doin' here >so oily? De toinament doon stard til' twev. LAURA: Duh, I'm oiled up for the tournament! STEVE: >Ranma(uncomfortably aware of Nodoka's gaze): STEVE: She's about to bust *him* wide open... >Uh, just stopped by with some friends, Gono. >(Gono eyes the group and then glares at Ranma.) > >Gono: Hey Ranma, you know da rools. No doids permet...perset... >alawed. >(The group exchanges worried glances, but Mousse suddenly steps up to the >gorilla-alien.) STEVE: Wanna dance? >Mousse: What's this about no droids? LAURA: What the hey? Not only are they all gorgeous, they're all deaf! >Gono: Likes I say, no doids alawed. Now skidadel. >(Mousse smiles.) STEVE: Breaking every mirror in a two-mile radius... LAURA: That's impossible, Steve, everyone's gorgeous here, remember? >Mousse: That's what I thought you said. >(Suddenly a boxer's glove on a spring pops out of Mousse's chest and knocks >Gono back. STEVE: Shades of Pippkin... >The gorilla-alien grunts and falls down. Mousse brings a large mallet- >which has replaced his left hand-down solidly on Gono's head. The gorilla >falls down, unconscious. STEVE: How does one fall down...if one is already on the floor? LAURA: Wow...I'm just amazed that Mousse could see him. >Mousse bows fluidly to the stage and motions towards the door.) > >Mousse: After you. >(Ukyou sighs and turns him in the right direction. The group enters the >cantena and walk up to an unoccupied table. Nodoka and the two droids sit >down. When Ranma makes motions to do likewise, Nodoka stops him with a >glance.) LAURA: Quit with the motions and sit DOWN already... >Nodoka: Since my son is _so_ well known here... > >Ranma(nervously): Er...ah...heh heh... > >Nodoka: ...He and Tofu Wan will see if they can find us a ship. STEVE: A Ship! A Ship! My...uh, farm for a Ship! >(Ranma and Tofu walk over to the bar. They sit in the only available >stools, next to Ryouga. The bartender-an older human man-comes up to >them.) LAURA: Is he that short? >Bartender: Hey, Ranma! Good to see you. The usual? > >Ranma: Sur...(looks at Tofu)...uh...no thanks. Just some hydro cubes. BOTH: INTENSE BANTERING ACTION! >Bartender: No prob. What ya doing here so early? > >Ranma: I'm looking for a ship. Anything, as long as it can get us out of >this system. >(Ryouga looks over.) STEVE: ...a four-leaf clover, that he overlooked before! >Ryouga: Did I hear right? You want a ship? STEVE: No, idiot, he wanted to sh... I will control myself... >Ranma: Yeah. > >Ryouga: No surprise. Imperial activity got you...(stops.) Do I know you? >You look vaguely familiar. STEVE: Do you happen to have 6 fingers on your right hand? >Ranma: I don't think so. STEVE: Ah. If you did, I would have to kill you. >(Ryouga stares at Ranma for a moment, then stops and shrugs.) > >Ryouga: Where you going? >(Ranma glances a Tofu, who nods.) LAURA: He's got those headphones on again... >Ranma(low voice): Dojo. LAURA: ACK! Turn down the bass! >Ryouga: Hmm, all right. I'll take you, but it'll cost you. > >Ranma: How much? LAURA: Now how much would you pay? >(Ryouga thinks for a moment.) BOTH: >Ryouga: Five million galactic credits. > >Ranma: FIVE MILLION?!? What do you take us for? STEVE: Idiots, what else? >Ryouga: Rebels. Rebels who want me to run an Imperial blockade and take >them to one of the hardest to find planets in the universe, whose location >is so secret only a few people know it. STEVE: Hmm...yeah, they're *never* getting there. >No, what do you take _me_ for? >(Ranma looks like he is about to argue, but Tofu cuts in.) LAURA: Ow... STEVE: That's gonna leave a mark. >Tofu: We'll pay. Half now, half upon safe arrival. >(Ryouga nods and finishes his drink.) > >Ryouga: How many in your party? STEVE: Well, for the first 3 parts, we had 4, then for part IV (II in America) we had 5, and that... LAURA: Shh! Quiet, RPG Fanboy. STEVE: Canada Fangirl. LAURA: RPG Fanboy! STEVE: Canada Fangirl! LAURA: RPG FANBOY! STEVE: CANADA FANGIRL! LAURA: RPG FANBOY! STEVE: RPG FANBOY! LAURA: CANADA FANGIRL! STEVE: Not the last time I checked... LAURA: @#$%&! >Tofu: Three humans and two droids. >(Ryouga does some quick calculations.) > >Ryouga: That makes five. STEVE: Um...no. Too easy... LAURA: