Card Captor Science Theater 3000-Episode 3 *TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS* (And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain) (The future isn't what it used to be....) "CARD CAPTOR SCIENCE THEATER 3000" (SEASON ONE) EPISODE 3: NEON RANMA EVANGELION (A Ranma 1/2/Neon Genesis Evangelion MSTing) MSTed From the Desk of Card Captor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun) This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. “Card Captor Sakura” is a trademark of CLAMP and those who distribute it "Ranma 1/2" is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the distributors of her work. “Neon Genesis Evangelion” is property of Gainax and its affiliates "Neon Ranma Evangelion” is the property of Khyron Kingkiller and he's welcome to it. I do not intend to offend him for making fun of his work like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of this as another form of C&C. ;) (Cue "Card Captor Science Theater 3000 Love Theme" in 5....4....3....) It's the not-too-distant future, Last sunday BC There was this girl named Sakura Quite different from you or me She captured Clow Cards with her friends All seen through Tomoyo’s camera lens They tried to save the human race, But Eriol lost his patience So he shot them into space!!!! Sakura: (Hoeeee……) Syaoran and Tomoyo: (Now what?) We'll send them crappy fanfics The worst we can find (lalala) They'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor their minds (lalala) Now keep in mind they can't control When the fanfics begin or end (lalala) Because, let’s face it, after all Eriol’s not really their friend; CARD CAPTOR ROLL CALL: Meiling: 'Why me?’ Tomoyo: 'Smile!' Syaoran: 'I hate my life.' KEROOOOOOO!!! 'It’s not my fault!' If your wondering how they eat and breathe And other science facts (lalala) Then repeat to yourself *It's just a MiST* You should really just relax For Card Captor Science Theater 3000!!! ** DEEP 13 1450 Hours “And furthermore…” Dr. Eriol Hiirigazawa, poster child for evil magic users, mad scientists and Harry Potter look-alikes was busy listening to the ranting of one Mike Rhea. He sat in his elaborate chair and rolled his eyes wondering what to do with this loony. His assistants didn’t seem particularly interested in the whole thing either. TV’s Ruby Moon was busy filing her nails and TV’s Spinel Sun was lying in Eriol’s lap. Eriol had Spinel Sun in his lap because he thought it made him look like a sinister James Bond villain. “How dare you disagree with me!” Mike shouted for the thirty-second time. “I’m right! I’m always right! I’m…” Eriol cut him off by pressing a button on the armrest of his chair which caused a trap door to open under Mike’s feet. The Webmaster of Ukyo and Ranma (The Tweedledee and Tweedledum of Rumiko Takahashi fandom) pages plummeted down the shaft screaming “AIEEEeeeeeeeee…..” “Well, that’s that.” Eriol said. “Nakuru, do me a favor and call the satellite. It’s time once again for our weekly torment of those below us.” “Yeah, sure,” grumbled Ruby Moon as she got up and headed to the control panel. ** THE SATELITE OF LOVE Syaoran Li was trapped like a rat. He looked around but there was no escape. The figure slowly advanced on him, there was a large clothing box under her arm. “S-stay away from me, Daidouji!” he said shrinking back into the corner. Tomoyo shook her head. “Li-kun, I need to finish this dress for Meiling today and you’re the only one available who’s the right size. “Noooo!” Syaoran screamed. “Leave me alone! Get Sakura to do it!” “She’s busy finishing our Clow card for this week’s exchange.” Tomoyo explained. “And it’s a surprise so I need to get this done before Meiling is finished with her time in the holocabana.” Just then, Yue’s voice came over the intercom. “Syaoran Li and Tomoyo Daidouji to the bridge. Ash, Misty and Brock have come a calling again.” Tomoyo turned her head for just a second. Syaoran took advantage of the distraction and sprinted past her. “HEY!” Tomoyo shouted. “Get back here, Li-kun!!” She quickly started after him. ** “Good afternoon, Eriol-kun.” Sakura said. “How are you this week?” “Not so great.” Eriol replied. “I had to deal with Mike Rhea. He wasn’t to happy with your comments about his fics.” “So what else is new?” muttered Kero-Chan. The sound of Syaoran screaming as he came sprinting onto the bridge followed by Tomoyo interrupted this sedate little conversation. Eriol sweatdropped. “Um… What, may I ask, is this all about?” “Um… Tomoyo-chan wants to use Li-kun for a dress fitting.” Sakura replied. “I… see…” said Eriol watching Tomoyo pursue the panicked Syaoran. “Perhaps, I should begin the exchange this week.” ** DEEP 13 Eriol took a moment to recover from the bizarre sight. “Anyway, I created this latest Clow card to save time and money. As you know, the Clow cards can be used to predict the future. But that takes time and effort. So this week I created ‘The Fortune’ card.” “At least you didn’t call it ‘The Tarot’.” Kero-Chan grumbled sarcastically. “Cram it, plushie,” growled Ruby Moon. “Hey! That’s my… line…” Syaoran grumbled. Then he noticed Tomoyo was catching up and took off again. “Ahem. I was speaking !” grumbled Eriol. “Anyway, ‘The Fortune’ card will save time and money by allowing you to accurately predict the future. No more hours learning to read cards yourself. No more wasting money on hotlines staffed by morons with phoney Jamaican accents and… Syaoran! Tomoyo! Would you knock that off?!” ** THE SATELITE OF LOVE Tomoyo and Syaoran’s imitation of the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote came to an immediate halt. “Why, may I ask, is this dress so important?” asked Eriol. “I want to have it done in time for Meiling’s birthday,” replied Tomoyo. “Wait a second…” Syaoran began. “Meiling’s birthday isn’t until next month, Daidouji!” “Are you sure?” “Of course, I’m sure!” “Oh… Gomen, Li-kun.” Syaoran promptly fell over. “Our Clow card this week was actually designed by Kero-Chan,” explained Sakura. “I’m not sure what it does, so I’ll let him explain it to you.” “Thank you, Sakura.” Kero said as he took the floor “Our Clow card this week is ‘The Gainax™’ card.” “The Gainax™?” inquired Eriol. “Why the ™?” asked Tomoyo. “It’s a trademark.” Kero explained. “You want us to get sued? Anyway ‘The Gainax™’ is the perfect item to help all those girls who want to look like a million bucks but can’t afford makeovers and surgery. ‘The Gainax™’ will instantly make any girl perkier and bouncier!” “Kero…” Sakura interrupted. “That’s sick!” ** DEEP 13 Eriol shook his head ruefully. What was he going to do with them? “It’s funny you should mention the Gainax corporation, Kero-Chan, because this week’s project is a re-write of their best known series with the cast replaced by the characters from ‘Ranma ½’. It’s time for some deep hurting, my friends. I give you Khyron Kingkiller’s ‘Neon Ranma Evangelion’. Send them the fanfic, Ruby Moon.” “What do I look like?” grumbled Ruby Moon “Your secretary?” ** THE SATELITE OF LOVE “Great. What kind of idiot rewrites a series with the cast of another series? Those things never work.” Syaoran grumbled. “Are you sure you want to stand by that statement, Li-kun?” asked Tomoyo. Syaoran thought about that for a second and remembered that at this very moment he was involved in that exact situation. Plus, if he stood by that, Killiko Jun would never write the next chapter of “Ah! Sakura-sama!”. “How about if I just say most of them don’t work?” Suddenly alarms and sirens rang out. “OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!” Sakura cried out. (Door 6: It slides open on both sides..) (Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you move on..) (Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.) (Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..) (Door 2: It’s made of mirrors. You risk the seven years bad luck and shatter them with a hammer.) (Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.) (Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor. You walk into it.) Sakura, Syaoran, Tomoyo and Kero-Chan emerged from the light. The three take their seats in the theater while Kero-Chan floats overhead. >From: "Kelvin" Kero: We’re pretty sure that’s not his real name. >Legal stuff : All the characters depicted below do not belong to me in any >way. Syaoran: What a surprise. >I am not doing this for profit, honest! Tomoyo: You’re bank records say otherwise. >I have the greatest respect for Rumiko Takahashi, creator of Ranma 1/2, >and the creators of Neon Genesis Evangelion. Sakura: …whoever they are. Syaoran: It’s all about respect… >I write for the sake of fun and don't really have their >permission to do this to their patented characters. Please don't be mad at >me. Kero: You wish, buddy. >Mumbo Jumbo: I have taken several liberties with this work. Since I do not >have a full understanding of the realities and relationships of both >worlds, there are sure to be errors and changes of "reality" in this fic. Sakura: Mostly, it’s just errors. Tomoyo: But what is reality anyway, except for something to be toyed with? >Casting of each character from the Ranma 1/2 universe to the Evangelion >universe is purely whimsical and out of the blue, Kero: Hmm, let’s cast Kodachi as Asuka Langley! Syaoran: Ugh… Please, no! >there are some serious alterations in some of their history and background >to make things mesh a little more but I hope it will be for the better. Syaoran: But it’s probably for the worse. What can I say? >The identities and personalities of said characters are a combination of both Eva >and Ranma. A mix of Eva's heavy seriousness and a dash of Ranma style wackiness Syaoran: Add two teaspoons of cinnamon and two cups sugar. Kero: No good fic has ever used the term “wackiness”. >to get rid of Eva's mother of all head aches type plot. Syaoran: Take two aspirin and call me in the morning. Kero: I can deal with the plot, especially if they add lots of scenes of Misato in the shower. Sakura: Kero… >Any praise will be appreciated, if you must criticize, please do it gently. I have >a sensitive ego. Tomoyo: I guess that means we aren’t allowed to tell him what we really think. >LeeKing Works proudly presents: Kero: Defective Plumbing! Syaoran: That was a good one. Kero: Heh heh. >Neon Ranma Evangelion > By > Khyron KingKiller Sakura: Regicide is my life! Syaoran: Even better. Kero: Show off. >Part 1: >The Unexpected Hero Tomoyo: Heroes are never expected, are they? Syaoran: Depends on what you were expecting, I guess. > *When I wake up in the morning, > I hunger for a smile. Kero: After all, they’re the only free item on the “McDonalds” menu. Sakura: Give me two smiles and a side of bacon. > I face each day, alone again. > With out a friend. Syaoran: I’m guessing this isn’t a WAFF fic. Sakura: Maybe someone should tell Khyron that “without” is one word. Kero: Who’d tell him? He has no friends, remember. > Seems right somehow, > that sorrow mars my brow. > I move from place to place, > at such a frantic pace. > I'm never sure where I am now.* Tomoyo: Because I got myself really sloshed, and how! Syaoran: But don’t worry, don’t have a cow. Sakura: Let’s all stop and take a bow! Kero: So we can quit rhyming and get some chow! Sakura: Whew, fun… > Ranma Ikari, stopped the song. Syaoran: Ranma Ikari? Sakura: That was supposed to be a song? Tomoyo: Well, this fic is off to a brilliant start. >He opened his eyes to the light of the setting sun. Amber light unable to color >his dispassionate gaze. Kero: From this point, the role of Ranma will be played by Robert Mitchum. >He was alone in the train speeding towards Tokyo 3. He received a letter with a >picture of a woman in a blue dress named Kasumi telling him that he had >been transfered again. To Tokyo 3 this time. Syaoran: No! Really? I never would have guessed. Sakura: Either he’s being redundant or he thinks we’re morons. Tomoyo: Maybe both. > Since he had been on his own, nearly ten years of his sixteen years of >life, Ranma had been transfered from school to school, place to place, >house to house Syaoran: Geez.. We get it already! We don’t need the sledgehammer treatment! Kero: No. But maybe this fic does. >more often than he cared to keep count. It was expected though. His father never let >him stay in one area for too long. Never let him have a home. Kero: What do you expect? This is Genma we’re talking about. > The rhythmic sound of the train seemed to offer him no comfort and so he >tries to find solace in the music that he plays over and over with his >Walkman. Sakura: He thinks a song about having no friends will cheer him up? >He is a serious looking young man. His Chinese red vest and dark >pants were practical and rugged, reflecting his character. Tomoyo: Umm… Okay. >His pony tail sways like a tail behind him but he pays it no mind. All: Kero: Argh! My hair has come to life! It’s trying to strangle me! ARGggggghhh! >His mind troubled by the letter he holds in his hands. Syaoran: What am I supposed to do with this ‘Q’? > Why do I move so often? A man who can't be in control of his destiny is >unhappy. But, even if I could stay and live a normal life, would I be >happy? Would I even know what a normal life is? Sakura: Probably not. > He spent the rest of the trip quietly scowling. Tomoyo: As opposed to scowling loudly? >Unnoticed by him, Tokyo 3 became visible just as the train climbed the last >of the mountains that rimmed the city. The golden splendor of a city awash in >a setting sun's amber light. Syaoran: Think you could lighten up on the melodrama just a tad? >**************************************************************************** Tomoyo: Look at all those stars! Must be time for the Oscars. > Several miles away, a war council is targeting a threat that has proven so >far unstoppable. Syaoran: Jerry Springer comes to Japan! > "How can the thing still be standing!" Sakura: I’m sorry. You have to answer in the form of a question. >A man in an officer's uniform looked on with disbelief at the central monitor >showing an Angel ignore an entire helicopter wing's missile barrage, Tomoyo: I am not listening! La la la la! >enough firepower to wipe out an army of tanks. The Angel was roughly humanoid >in proportions with wide shoulders and long gangly limbs but the size of a building >and had an odd green color with it's 2 "faces" on its chest. Kero: That two faced jerk! Tomoyo: They’re not real faces. They were provided by the prop department. > A dark haired young woman muttered as she frantically read stats and >analytical reports pouring in from the computers. A rock in the sea of >chaos. Syaoran: Khyron must love his metaphors. >Based on current data, the Angel was emitting a highly potent energy >field that was neutralizing everything sent its way. Rockets, missiles, >shells slammed into it but did not damage it, nothing could penetrate the >shield. "The A.T. field is still operational. The chances of our forces >doing even a marginal job of slowing it down doesn't make it worth the >risk. I say we let our forces retreat." Sakura: That way they can get blown up from behind too! > "Sir, the attack choppers are approaching visual range and awaiting >orders!" One of the swarming techs yelled from bellow the command balcony. Syaoran: Swarming? > "Tell the choppers to engage!" An older man ordered. He looks directly at >the eyes of the young woman. Daring her to say anything. Kero: Say something! I dare you! > "Fool!" She turns her back to where the three shocked generals look down >upon her from their raised command centers. Kero:Hey! That hurts! >But Lt. Nabiki does not care about the pride of stupid old men or for any threat >that they might issue. Tomoyo: Mainly, because she could blackmail the tar out of them if necessary. >She was the best analytical mind NERIMA had and she was integral to NERIMA. Sakura:God, I love writing the word NERIMA! Syaoran: I guess NERIMA is the replacement for NERV. >Problem was that NERIMA was part of the U.N. and that meant having to work >with stubborn old generals and convince them that they could not do things >the old way and still get results. A hard thing to do when you are young >enough to be their grand daughter. Syaoran:If I want to use the cavalry to stop a fleet of tanks the that’s what we’ll do dammit! > On screen, the Angel blasts away the choppers casually with beams >of light that shoots from its three fingered hands. The light takes on an >almost solid quality as a chopper gets impaled on a spike of light. The >Angle flings its at another chopper, resulting in a fiery display of >futility and the Angle continue with its march, undeterred. Sakura: The Angle ?! Kero: The Angel has reinforcements! And they’re coming at 98 degrees! Tomoyo: Good one, Kero. Kero: Heh. > "Nabiki, the Angel has decimated the choppers, heavy losses >expected! Casualty list incoming!" A tech yelled. Sakura: Well, duh. > "Well general, has enough of your men died or should we wait until >they are all slaughtered before you let me handle this?" Nabiki said >casually as she sips her coffee. Syaoran: Same old Nabiki. Kero: Pick a tense and stick with it already! >**************************************************************************** Tomoyo:There’s snow falling… All over the world tonight. > Kasumi accelerated her car way past the speed limit. Her hair long >brown streamed behind her from the force of the wind coming from her open >window. She listens to her radio for reports on the Angel situation and >frowns. Besides her on the passenger seat is a picture of a boy in a red >Chinese vest. Syaoran: Wait a sec… Kasumi is Misato?! Kasumi is playing a character whose apartment is a disaster area, drinks, wears Bond girl outfits, has nothing but TV dinners and beer in her fridge… Kero: That and a penguin. Sakura: Not exactly inspired casting, is it? > "Oh my, Ranma please be safe." Kero: Yep. Definitely Kasumi. >*************************************************************************** Kero:<006 in “GoldenEye”> I’m no longer just an anonymous star on the memorial wall at MI6. > A man in a stark black business suit stood infront of a man in a >white lab coat who was seated behind his desk. Syaoran: Stark black? Sakura: Hemingway, this isn’t. >The main in white laced his hands together and smiled coldly. "It has begun Soun." Kero:Someone’s trying to begin me? Syaoran: Commas. Use them. > Soun nodded. It was time. Syaoran: …TO TANGO! >*************************************************************************** Sakura:When you wish upon a star! > Ranma was curious. After the train had stopped and he got off, he >had seen no one. The whole city seems to be empty. He walks about a bit, >seeing the buildings and the signs and birds perched on wires but no >people. The streets were desolate, not a single car was running. Where was >everybody? Syaoran: Does that mean that he was the only one on the train to begin with? Sakura: Does that mean that everyone knows the world is coming to an end but him? > He walked on, carrying his pack to the empty streets. It felt odd >to be standing in the middle of the street in the city with no one around >him. He sometimes wished that he could be absolutely alone but the erie >wrongness Syaoran: Yeah, living near Lake Erie can be disturbing I hear. >of walking in an empty city made him reconsider. A city should be >a place were people were all around you. A place where you could hear >chatter and laughter and the simple sounds of people simply being. Kero: He’s overdramatizing again. Sakura: Khyron, we don’t need every point hammered at us, okay? >The setting sun shined in his eyes and the birds paid him no notice high on >their wire perches on the posts. Tomoyo: Ah, who cares about him? > Ranma felt his pony tail stand on end. Syaoran: Arghh! Not again! Let go! >Something was very, very wrong. Kero: Gee. You think? >He felt it again, the shaking of the ground that seemed to move even the >tallest buildings. The birds took flight and left him there, wondering and >sweating from an unexplainable fear. Sakura: The Earth is shaking and his fear is unexplained?! >Earthquake? No..too regular to be an earthquake..... Tomoyo: So Ranma’s a seismologist now? >His ears strain to hear a pounding sound. It was something coming his way... Sakura: Where else would it be going? > "What the hell!??!" The Angel came into view. A green misshapen >monster whose sheer size made the tall sky scrappers Syaoran: Sky Scrappers! Made from 100% recycled scrap! Sakura: They’re scrappy ones, I tell ya. >around it seem almost puny in comparison. Ranma was stunned at just how >small he was compared to the thing. Unfortunately as he was starting at the >thing, Syaoran: Ready. Set. START! >the Angel continued walking, its foot almost squashing him flat. > > "Aaah!!!" Ranma felt the shock wave from the step fling him >away. A few more feet and he would have been squashed flat. Kero: Whoa! Déjà vu! Sakura: He would’ve been squashed. We get it! >He was nothing to this monster but the Angel seemed to have heard his cry >and looked down. Ranma felt the Angel's unspoken malice. He was dead. Syaoran: Ranma has died. Quit or Retry? > Just before the Angel could kill him, another monster appeared. >Leaping from out of nowhere, a giant purple shape tackled the Angel and >sent it away from Ranma just as a car tore through the ruined streets and >parked right infront of him. Sakura: I thought Ranma was dead. Tomoyo: It’s a miracle! Syaoran: That could be debated. Now he’s trapped in a bad Godzilla wannabe movie. Kero: The author doesn’t seem to know that “without” is one word and “in front” is two. > In the driver's seat was a smiling young woman motioning him to get >in the passenger seat of a blue Thunderbird. Ranma didn't think about where >she came from or any other logical questions he might ask under normal >circumstances. She was offering a ride, he wanted one. He was in the car in >one leap. Sakura: Thus punching a hole in the roof. Tomoyo: Maybe it’s a convertible. Syaoran: Now we’re in an episode of “The Dukes Of Hazzard”. Kero:I love it! I love it! > "Buckle up Ranma!" The woman said as she expertly shifted the gears >and cranked up the engine. Ranma did as he was told and tried to make some >sense about what just happened. Syaoran: He’s not the only one. > "What the hell was that thing?!?!!" Ranma asked his mysterious >savior. Sakura: Oh my! It may be the end of the world but there’s no reason to use that kind of language. > "That was an Angel silly! Didn't your father tell you all about >it?" Syaoran: No. He never mentioned giant indestructible creatures to me before >The woman smiled. "By the way, my name is Kasumi. I'll be in-charge of you >during your stay here in Tokyo 3." Kasumi said happily once she had a >clear stretch of relatively straight road. Kero: Am I the only one who thinks Kasumi sounds like a flight attendant? Tomoyo: There are two exits in the front and back of the car. Should the Angel catch up with us, place your head between your legs and kiss your butt goodbye. >************************************************************************** Kero: Neither snow, nor sleet, nor falling stars… Syaoran: …Shall keep this fic from being lame. > "Eva01's synchronization ratio is fluctuating! Motor control >failure imminent!" > > "The core is experiencing neural feedback loops! Eva01 can't last >much longer!" Kero: Nothing like a brief bout of technobabble to start a scene. Sakura: Who said those lines anyway? > On a giant screen we see that the giant robot, Eva01 is being >beaten about by the Angel. We hear some cries of pain and klaxons blaring >as the Angel and Eva01 fight on with Eva01 clearly losing. Syaoran: I knew I should’ve bet on the Angel for this bout. Kero: Ding! Ding! End of round one! >A punch cracks the Eva's face plate and the Angel's eyes light up, a >portion of the Eva turns molten,burning through and through as a solid beam >of light stabs its side. Something sickeningly like blood pours out of the >wound. One of the Eva's arms hangs by its side, twisted and useless. All: Eeew! Sakura: We didn’t need that, you know. > "There is nothing more it can do. Tell Eva01 to retreat." Genma >said as he observes the battle on his platform. His face betrayed no >emotion as the Angel continued to beat at the struggling Eva. Eva01 kicked >at the Angel and sent it staggering away before it collapsed in a heap by a >hatch. Kero: Bully! Sakura: Yeah. There’s no need to kick them when they’re down. >The huge hatch opened and quickly drew the Eva down inside as the Angel >stood. It was too late to pursue once the hatch closed. Kero: Hey! I’m not done with him yet! > "What now Genma?" Soun asked. Unlike his friend. Soun was visibly >shaken. Syaoran: But not stirred. Sakura: Good one, Li-kun! >Sweat had started to form at his temples and his skin was pale. Kero: I think… I’m gonna… HURGHHHH! Ugh… Sakura: Kero… > "Now we repair Eva01 and send it back out again with a new pilot." Tomoyo: After all, just because it failed miserably the first time… > "But we don't have anymore pilots!" The edge of panic was in Soun's >voice. "What will I tell the council!?" Kero: The world is coming to an end. I think that’s the least of your worries, buddy. > "A new one will be delivered, have faith old friend." Genma smiled. Syaoran: And it’ll be here in thirty minutes or it’s free! >Soun saw his friends cold smile and wondered if he should relaxed or worry >even more. Tomoyo: With Genma, it’s time to worry. >He knew Genma well enough to know that he had another of his >surprises up his sleve. Sakura: Whatever a “sleve” is. >If Genma said a pilot was going to arrive, then a pilot was going to >arrive. Even if there was going to be hell to pay for. Syaoran: Um… Okay. Sakura: Whatever you say, Khyron. >************************************************************************** Tomoyo: I wanna be a star, star, star! Kero: Don’t go there. > Back at the UN battle command center, the main monitor still shows >the Angel moving along to its destination, Tokyo 3. The potential loss of >life if the monster reached the city was expected to be nearly total. Syaoran: I thought it was already in the city. Kero: Who knows? Who cares? >Another Impact. The end of man. Sakura: That could be bad. Tomoyo: Angels eat man. Woman inherits the Earth. > "Gentlemen, I believe it is time for the final resort." A general >said. Kero: We’re going to Tahiti ‘til this thing blows over. > An instant hush fell over the chaotic battle station and the three >officers from the U.N. looked at each other for silent conformation before >the each bought out a key on a chain from under their uniforms. The tension >was high and every eye in the chamber was on them as they unlocked a secret >panel on their dash boards and presented their right hands to the scanner. Syaoran: Dash boards? Is this scene taking place in a bunch of cars? > As one, they punched in their own personal launch codes and gave >the order. "Release the N2....." Kero: Hold the onions. >************************************************************************** Syaoran: Order “STARZ!”, another damn satellite movie network, today! > Ranma took the opportunity to try to catch his breath once they >finally stopped on a plate. Kero: And came to a fork in the road! Sakura: Cute, Kero. Tomoyo: This car can’t stop on a dime, but it can stop on a plate. >The woman was talking to someone on a mobile phone and using a pair of >field binoculars. He didn't notice it before but she was wearing a very >nice dress. It was conservative yet somehow managed to show her full >figure. She had big cross necklace between her bosom and her long skirt >swished along as she paced. Kero:Mmm… Nice. Sakura: Kero… > "Yes he's here in the car with me. Don't worry about it, he's fine. >I'll get him there as soon as I can okay? Bye now." Tomoyo: I think I had the right number. I’m not sure because I didn’t pause to let the other person speak. >Kasumi was looking at the Angel through her binoculars as she noticed that >the air units surrounding it were leaving except for one bomber >carrying.... > > "Oh my! Ranma! Get Down!" Kero: Do I look like John Travolta to you? Tomoyo: Get down! Get down! > Kasumi did what she could to cover Ranma. Sakura: Don’t even think about it, Kero. >A second later, A mushroom cloud sprang from the ground and the sky turned >blood red. The air turned hot as a furnace and A sound like the fall of >heaven boomed. Syaoran: Oh, for… Knock it off with the overwrought metaphors already! >When the shockwave passed by, it hit the car hard enough to flip it over >and roll away from the road and end up on its side. > > There was a hellish yet strangely beautiful quality to the scene of >total burning destruction created by a nuclear weapon. Syaoran: Beautiful? Sakura: I think there are a few people who’d disagree with you on that one, Khyron. Kero: That’s it. This guy’s nuts. >************************************************************************** Kero: Okay, ma’am. If you could just pick the star you saw out of our lineup. > "WE DID IT!!!" Sakura: Thanks for sharing. > A general cheer rose and the three officers relaxed in their chairs. Pats >on the back were exchanged and every one was laughing happily. > > "Sir, the choppers have circled back and are reporting that...this can't >be right...the Angel is still standing!!!" > > "WHAT!!!" All: HE SAID “THE ANGEL IS STILL STANDING”! > The main screen lights up to show the birds eye view of the angel and it >is indeed still standing amid a totally devastated field. There are cracks >on its surface and it is leaking what might be green blood in some place >but it was still standing and still apparently "alive". Tomoyo: But what is life, but something you don’t have when you’re dead? >Breathing with gill like structures on its sides and slowly regenerating. > > There is a stunned silence as everyone looks on. The N2 was the last >resort and they only managed to delay it.... Kero: Due to unforeseen nuclear explosions, the 12:15 Apocalypse will be delayed. Please Stand By. >************************************************************************** Sakura: Anybody got any “star” lines left? Syaoran: No. Tomoyo: Sorry. > "Are you alright Ranma?" Syaoran: No. I’m dead. > "Yeah, I'm fine." Being tossed around in the car fazed him a resilience >was one of his virtues. All: Huh? Sakura: Um… Did that make any sense at all Tomoyo: Nope. > "Alright then, all together now. Heave!" Kero: Kasumi is heaving… Sakura: Kero… > Kasumi and Ranma pushed the fallen car together and the car falls over >right side up easily, much more due to Ranma surprising strength Syaoran:Surprise! Kero: ACK! >than Kasumi's effort. The thing looks like it really took a beating. The >windshield was cracked. The roof looked like a crumpled sheet of paper and >one the wheels didn't seem to be as level as the others but it still looked >like it could run, which was all that mattered now. Tomoyo: Oh my! My insurance rates are going to go through the roof. > "Um...Miss.." > > "Please call me Kasumi. We'll be working together for quite a while as I >understand." Kasumi wondered just exactly why Ranma was so important. Syaoran: Don’t look at us. We don’t get it either. >He was given a level ten security clearance and was cleared by the higher ups >a little too quickly for her taste. Something was amiss. Kero: You think? Sakura: Kasumi still misses the point. > "Where are we going anyway?" > > Kasumi was cut short in her musing. "To NERIMA." Tomoyo: And stop interrupting me when I’m musing. >************************************************************************** Syaoran: Fly me to the moon! Let me play amongst the stars! > "We admit it Soun. Our forces are useless against the Angel. It is now all >up to you. Can Evangelion handle it?" A general asked. Kero: Well, we just got our butts kicked so I’m thinking… no. >Had Soun said no he still would have left NERIMA anyway. The place was too >dangerous for a general such as himself. Soun despised cowards Sakura: Despite the fact that both he and his best friend are cowards. Syaoran: Hypocrite. >but he kept his expression clear. They had all worked hard to reach their goal. All: GOOOOAAAALL!!! > "It is what NERIMA was built for." Soun said simply. Tomoyo: Nothing like keeping it simple. >************************************************************************** Syaoran: Put your own star joke here. > While somewhere else, in a location so classified it isn't even officially >real, Tomoyo: It was still officially imaginary. >Genma was dealing with the true powers that be. The men and women >who ruled what was left of the world through the UN, or in this case, to >the old ghoul who was the current and probably head of the UN till her >death, Cologne. Kero: Cologne gets around, doesn’t she? Sakura: I thought Nabiki ruled the world now. Tomoyo: I lost it to Cologne in a poker game. > "The curse of the Angels is upon us once again Genma. You have the secrets >you requested. Are your Evas enough to handle this threat?" Kero: What? You didn’t see the last fight? You… Uh… sure they can! > Genma smiled slightly at the ancient looking old woman with the glowing >red eyes. Syaoran: Argh! Cologne is possessed! Tomoyo: Redrum! Redrum! >To anyone else, it would be called a mocking grin but with Genma, >it just seemed so natural no one could accuse him of mockery. Syaoran: Huh? Sakura: Don’t bother >"The secrets you have shared with me were pitiful to begin with old woman. >My Eva's will win, with or with out your scrolls." Kero: I spit on your worthless scrolls! Sakura: Good idea. Mouth off to the ruler of the world. >************************************************************************** Syaoran: Another day, another line of stars. > Ranma stared in awe at just how big NERIMA really was. An underground base >miles under a city. Amidst the rubble of a pre-impact city, Nerima stood >like a magical kingdom. A fairy tale land with its own floodlight stars and >techno towers. Kero: Miscrosoft Fairy Tales Ver.3.0 >A special car elevator had lowered Kasumi's now battered >clunker down to the base. With a maze of walkways and levels with >sublevels, terminals and quarters, Ranma couldn't help but stare in awe at >the huge base. Still, this place gave him the creeps too. Where the hell >were all the people anyway? It was just like the city above. An empty >shell. Only Kasumi's calming presence kept Ranma from panicking. Syaoran: Normally, I’d be worried. But I’m with a perfect stranger so I should be fine. > Ranma walked with Kasumi into the central building. He marveled at the >vastness of the place, after a few minutes of passing by empty hall ways >and clearing security locked door, they arrived at a dark hall after >passing through a few dozen more armored security doors. He could sense the >vastness of this room place even though it was pitch black dark and he >silently wondered why the place was so dark. When the lights were turned on >he gasped. All: SURPRISE! Syaoran: Aw. You remembered my birthday after all. > He was facing a giant robot! A purple monster that only had its head >visible for the rest of it was immersed in a red solution that smelled >suspiciously like blood to Ranma. There was a dark haired young woman in >the room with them, she had come from another door and she faced them both. > > "Kasumi! Thank god you're here! I've done the pre-start up checks and Eva >01 is as ready as it'll ever be and now all we need is the pilot." The >young woman spoke into a speaker mike built in her head set. "Commander >Ikari, the new pilot has arrived, is there time for a debriefing?" > > "Negative, the threat is too close. He'll have to learn on the go." Syaoran: Great idea! Put a clueless amateur into the driver’s seat! Makes sense to me. > Ranma gasp as he looked up. High above the stench of blood was his >father, Kero: Whew! You stink, old man! >Genma Ikari in his sterling white lab coat. The man looked down at >his son dispassionately and they eyed each other. No love was lost between >these two. "Ranma, I want you to pilot Eva01." Syaoran: Couldn’t you just say ‘hello’ like normal people? > "Just what makes you think I'm going to do that old man!" Ranma fairly >bristled and his pony tail stood on end. Syaoran:Argh! Now it’s turned into a porcupine! It’s stabbing me! OW! OW! OW! >"You send me away for ten years and now you expect me to come running and pilot a dumb robot >for you on your say so!? Think again old man!" Just then, the entire base shook as if >hit by an earthquake but the sound of an explosion was too clear, the base >was under attack! Sakura: Gee, you think? > "Ranma! There is no time! I designed the Eva to fight the Angels and >either you pilot the Eva or go back to where you came from boy! I have no >need for you if you won't be a man and pilot the thing." Kero: What kind of wimp wouldn’t risk his life on a whim inside a giant piece of dangerous machinery he has no idea how to operate? What kind of sissy are you? Syaoran: Why don’t you do it, Mr. Bravery? Kero: Um… I’m… needed here… Yeah, that’s it. > Ranma stared up at his father with disbelief. His mouth hangs slack before >anger clenches it."Fine then! Pilot the thing without me!" Then Ranma >walked off. Leaving Kasumi and Nabiki by the bridge. Kero: Fine! Syaoran: FINE! Kero: FINE! Syaoran: FINE!! > Soun looked at the boy walking away and sweat trickled down his brow. >"Genma! We need that boy! We don't have any other pilots!" Sakura: Just grab someone. Clearly you don’t need someone with experience. > "There is Ranko." > > "WHAT!!??!" All: HE SAID “THERE IS RANKO”! Tomoyo: All those explosions must have damaged their hearing. > "She's not dead Soun, I can still use her." Syaoran: Sure. She couldn’t succeed when she was in good shape and now that she’s dying she’s bound to succeed. Kero: I refuse to admit error! > As Ranma was about to walk out the door, a bed was wheeled in by a medical >crew. Ranma saw the occupant of the bed was a girl. A beautiful, buxom red >haired young girl. One of her eyes was under a patch and a cast covered one >arm. Her sides were bandaged and blood seemed to be seeping out of them. >They made eye contact for a few moments as they passed by and Ranma felt >part of him tearing as he realized that she was to pilot the robot in his >place. Syaoran: Gee, you think? Sakura: So Ranko is supposed to be Rei? Kero: Who’s Ranko? Syaoran: Whenever a fanfic author wants to use Ranma-Chan as a separate character they call her “Ranko”. Tomoyo: I can think of another role that would be better suited for her. What, with her being the only redhead in Ranma ½. Syaoran: Yeah, but if Khyron is casting Kasumi as Misato he’s obviously not looking for good matches. >The girl was clam and serene, All: Tomoyo: I am an oyster… I am an oyster… Kero: Ah, Miss Customer! You fall in Spring Of Drowned Clam! Very Tragic and Stupid Story that makes no sense! >a direct contrast to the fear and confusion he felt. > > The girl was struggling to get up as they wheeled her close to the robot. >Her breath came in harsh gasps and pain lanced through her everytime >she moved but she did not stop trying to sit up. She could hardly get off >the bed. How did they expect her to pilot the thing in her condition!??! Syaoran: Yeah. God forbid Genma should do it himself. > Another explosion followed and the base shook harder this time. Every one >was sent off their feet as the sheer power of it sent shock waves rippling >throughout the base. Ranma was sent sprawling and looked up in time to see >the light fixtures falling straight for him! Sakura:The Phaaaaantom of The Opera is heeeere! >He threw his fist up in a desperate move and a churning sound emerged. All: Syaoran: You better see a doctor about that, Ranma. >A metal fist like the hand of a monster shot out of the blood red water and >smashed the falling debris aside. Tomoyo: Wow! Lucky! >They sailed straight into Genma Kero: All hands on deck! Panda Man off the port bow! >and would have crashed into him if the reinforced glass bubble didn't stop the >debris. Sakura: Huh? Syaoran: They sailed into Genma but they didn’t crash into him? Tomoyo: I don’t get it. Kero: Who does? > Everyone was silent as Ranma rushed to where the girl lay on the floor. >Her bed was toppled by the quake. He lifted her up gently and winced in >sympathy as even his gentlest touch seemed to be causing her to gasp in >pain. His hands felt the wetness of blood from reopened wounds and his face >firmed in resolve. Damn his father for doing this! Kero: Boy, Genma’s a real great guy, huh? Sakura: He kind of reminds me of Major Frank Burns from “M*A*S*H”. Syaoran: Pipe down, you clowns! > "That wasn't supposed to be possible! The entry plug isn't even in yet!" >Nabiki mumbled to herself as she looked at the giant metal fist rising out >of the water. "That shouldn't have been able to move..." Tomoyo: It makes no sense! Sakura: Just like everything else in this fic. > Kasumi walked to where Ranko lay in Ranma's arms. She could see that >Ranma's hands were covered in blood and she knelt down and tried her best >to staunch Ranko's wounds as Ranma moved her onto the fallen mattress by >the floor. Genma was heartless! How could he let this girl pilot the Eva in her >condition! Kero: You want a list of Genma’s shortcomings? Sakura: Not now. We don’t have all day, you know. > "I'll do it...." Tomoyo: Thank you, thank you, oh mysterious, nameless and invisible stranger! > Kasumi looked up to see Ranma looking down at the wounded girl. "I can't >let her do it now can I? I guess pop gets what he wants this time..." >Kasumi reaches out to touch his shoulder and lent him her support as she >nods to Nabiki. They had a new pilot for Eva01. Syaoran: So they went to all that trouble to put all their hope in a guy who has no skill? Sakura: It would explain how George W. Bush was elected. Kero: Hi! I’m President Dubya The Dork! Carrying on the family tradition of screwing up the nation! Tomoyo: Don’t use the term “Dub ya” near CCS fans. It’s bad for your health. >************************************************************************** Syaoran: Energizer Stars! They keep coming and coming… > Nabiki calmly observed the chaos of the war room as her techies worked to >get Eva01 synchronized with Ranma. She still couldn't believe the >miraculously high 40% synchronization ratio Ranma was able to achieve on >his first try with the Eva. Sakura: Call me a pessimist, but 40% doesn’t sound that great to me. Tomoyo: Four times out of ten, Eva will do what you tell it. The other six it will flip you the bird. >A robot so complex they had to invent a whole new system to control it. Syaoran: Windows™ 2015 just couldn’t handle it. >A system that was the ultimate in merging man and machine, synchronization >meant that the machine would read the pilot's thoughts and use them as its >commands. Reading and sending messages directly to the pilot's nervous system, >it was an ambitious project when they first started but the only one that seemed >feasible. Sakura: Makes you wonder how boneheaded their other ideas were. >It was also very dangerous. Kero: You think? >The sheer fact that Ranma hadn't collapsed or ended up a gibbering mess Kero: Like this fic. >as he synchronized made Nabiki think of how special this boy really was. It >took an iron will to control the monstrous Eva. He was probably the only >person in the world capable of piloting the thing right now. Sakura: That’s a sad, sad statement. Syaoran: That’s it. We’re doomed! > "I can't believe it! There is no rejection in the neural net. The feed >back is optimal and every system is green. Not bad for a pilot who has >never done it before." Tomoyo: Yeah, who’d have thought Ranma would instantly be a great Eva pilot? > "It won't mean a thing unless he can actually get it to fight." > > "CONCENTRATE ON YOUR JOB!!!" Nabiki regreted showing her temper but it >was better than letting them stew. She needed them focused at their job. >"Ranma, we're going to flood your cock pit with synchronization fluid >alright, don't worry about it. You can breath the stuff." Syaoran: Oh, sure. I never worry when I’m trapped in a small confined space that’s rapidly filling with an unknown liquid. > Onscreen, they could see Ranma's expression turn from quizzical to panic >as the cock pit started to flood with synchro fluid. Either he didn't >understand a word she just said or his survival instincts were kicking in. >After holding his breath for what seemed to have been a record breaking >period, the boy finally let his breath go and inhaled the fluid. He coughed >up a bit and looked queasy for a while but that was to be expected. Kero: Yeah, what with his lungs being filled with goo and all. > "Oh my, Ranma are you alright?" Kasumi asked as she prepared the papers >containing the information she needed to walk him through the Eva's controls. Kero: No! I’m drowning, you idiot! Get me out of here! > "Yeah...just a little sick..." From the breathing fluid or the thought >that he was going to go fight the monster he saw earlier with a robot he >knew next to nothing about. He didn't know and tried not to think about it >too much. At least the girl will be safe. Syaoran: He, on the other hand, was about to become street pizza. > "We're going to launch you a few blocks from the Angel." Nabiki spoke, >ignoring Kasumi and Ranma's conversation. There was too little time left >for that. "The Eva has it's weapons, the sonic knife, inbuilt and its power >source is the plug attached to its back. Even without the plug your unit >has 5 minutes of emergency power. Do you understand me Ranma?" > > "Yes." I think. Sakura: Great. Even the author doesn’t get it anymore > "Good. Launch in 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...0..." All: It’s the not to distant future, Last Sunday BC… Syaoran: Oops… Wrong cue. > Ranma gritted his teeth as the robot was shot up from the underground >complex like a rocket by the launching pad under it. His blood tried to >rush into his legs and he locked them up to try to keep from passing out. Sakura: He locked up his legs? Kero: Get in the locker, damn you! >The path the robot took was twisted through out miles of tunnels through the >earth and reinforced shielding but the speed never abated. He wondered how >they managed to do that as soon as the ride came to a jarring halt. A door >fell away from infront of the robot and Ranma saw the Angel at a distance. Tomoyo: From a distance… The Angel looks big and mean… > "Eva's A.T. field is active." > "The Angel's A.T. field is fading out! The space between them is clear!" Sakura: Who said that? Syaoran: Maybe it’s Hiroshi and Diasuke. > Nabiki crossed her fingers. Her work was done, it was now all up to >Ranma. A.T. fields were alien technology Kero: Provided by A.T. The Extra Terrestrial! Kero: What? >but it seemed like the Eva was everything Genma said it would be. A clear space >was between the two. It was now a one on one fight to the finish. Syaoran: Thanks for stating the obvious… again. > "Ranma, I want you to listen to me alright. Try walking in the Eva first. >Just Relax and think about putting one foot infront of the other." Kasumi >said gently. Sakura: He’s finished. Syaoran: Yep. > Ranma did as he was told and the Eva shuddered as it put on foot infront >of the other. There was a collective gasp far bellow as the people saw that >Eva01 was indeed operational. All: It’s unbelievable! Sakura: Wait… Yes, it is. > "The boy is a gift from god!" Nabiki smiled as she typed in the commands >to let the weapons depots show highlighted in the Eva's monitors. Her smile >was short however as the Eva did something newborns who just learned how to >walk do. It tripped. Face first, and right at the Angel's feet. Syaoran: Okay, so it’s not a walk in the park. Kero: Yes, it is. You’re going to get mugged. > Ranma panicked because the Eva's synchronization made it seem like the >Angel reached down and picked him up by the face. With a strength he could >hardly comprehend, the Angel grabbed his arm and started to twist. Ranma >screamed in agony and tried futilely to pry off the Angel's grip. All: Huh? Kero: That’s it. I give up. > "Ranma! Get a hold of yourself! That isn't your arm!" Nabiki cried Syaoran: Now I’m really lost. >but her cries were unheard. A mere moment later, a sickening crunch could be heard >and Ranma fell silent. Syaoran: Ranma has died… Again. > "Neural net in the left arm has been severed!" > "Synchronization ratio at 30% and dropping!" Kero: This is the last time I take an unbilled role. > "Nabiki! Get him out of there!" Kasumi cried as she saw the white faced >Ranma go into shock. She did not know much about the Evas, but she knew >that whoever synchronized it felt any damage that was inflicted upon it. >Ranma must feel like his arm was just ripped apart. Tomoyo: Well, there’s a brilliant feature. Sakura: I feel your pain, Eva-01. > "Eject the entry plug!" Sweat started to flow out of Nabiki. Damn this >machine! Why did it have to be piloted by children! Syaoran: For the last time, answer in the form of a question! How’d you get on this show anyway? > "The system's not responding! The plug has been damaged!" > > Onscreen, they could see the Angel thrashing the Eva at its leisure. An >explosion sends the Eva crashing through a building. The Angel picks it up >by the face and its three fingered hand glows and flash in rhythm as it >blast away at the Eva's head. Ranma claws at the Angel ineffectively with >one hand but the Angel ignores his desperate attempts. Kero: Ranma died. The End > "Helms structural integrity has been breached!" Kero: Or not. > "Quick! Shut down the synchronization!" Nabiki pushed aside one of the >techs and started working at the console furiously but nothing changed. >Unit Eva01 was not responding. > > One final flash of light and the Eva is sent reeling away with a beam of >light stuck in its head. It crashes and imbeds itself in a building and the >head lolls forward sickeningly as something that resembled blood gushes out >of the wound. Sakura: Ah, the wonders of high technology. > "The brain case has been damaged!" > "All systems shutting down!" > > "RANMA!!!" Kasumi cried. Syaoran: STELLAAAAAAA!! >************************************************************************** Sakura: Let’s hear it for the stars of the show! > Gasping, Ranma clutched his face. Opening his eyes, he tried to focus. He >was in a bed. Kero: Oh, it was allll a dream. >He was alive. Tomoyo: Thanks. We never would have guessed that on our own. >That was all he knew for sure but something kept nagging at him. Syaoran: Akane? What are you doing here? >Something that didn't quite fit in. Yes...now he knew what it was. "The ceiling is >unfamiliar..." Sakura: Only the ceiling? Kero: Arghhhh! The acoustic tiles of DOOM! I’m surrounded by asbestos! >************************************************************************** Kero: Stars, stars and more stars. > Nabiki and Kasumi were surveying the site of the battle. Salvaging as many >parts of Eva01 as they could. A crane was already lifting the battered >power plug. The rest could be salvaged later. Whatever could be salvaged >anyway. Syaoran: Boy, I love the word salvage! Salvage! Salvage! Salvage! > "Eva01 really got trashed didn't it Nabiki." Sakura: You think? > "Your telling me, the council is going to have to have a heart attack when >I give them the estimate it'll take to get it up and running again." The >shorter woman muttered. Her attention focused on directing the salvage >crew. All: SALVAGE! > "At least Ranma is alright." Sakura: The world may be doomed, but Ranma lives. > "Which reminds me, how is the pilot?" Nabiki asked while looking at her >friend from the corner of her eyes. > > Kasumi shrugged. "They can't find any physical damage and neural scans >show that he's clean but he says he can't remember a thing about the >fight." Tomoyo: Yes, another case of convenient amnesia. > "That's good enough for me. The shock to his system could explain the >short term memory loss. A few days rest and he should recover enough to >regain it." Syaoran: Great. Now we can look forward to lots of flashbacks too. >************************************************************************** Sakura: Stars come and go but bad fanfics are forever > Ranma was slumped in a chair, in a hospital. He was waiting for Kasumi to >pick him up when a bed was being wheeled by the corridor. It was the girl >again. The pilot. She was much better now and was not so deathly pale >anymore. She was silent as she passed him by on her bed but she never let >her gaze leave his. Ranma locked his gaze with hers and felt his breath >catch. There was something about her that seemed to call out to >him....Ranma stared at her solemly. He was still staring numbly after she >was wheeled out of his sight. He was so intent at the girl that he didn't >notice Kasumi standing right next to him. Sakura: Nothing like a brief WAFF interlude. > "Falling for her Ranma?" Syaoran:She has a Ranma? Wow! Cool! > Ranma looked for the source of the sound and frowned before realization >hit him and his cheeks reddened. "N..N.No! I was just curious that's all." Tomoyo: First Ukyo, now Ranma. There’s a lot of blushing going on. > Kasumi smiled at Ranma. He was so cute when he blushed. Tomoyo: Where have I heard that before? >Kasumi led the shaken Ranma to the elevator. When the elevator opened, >Genma was there. Kero: The man. The myth. The moron. >Father and son didn't say a word to each other and Ranma made no move to >share the elevator with him. The elevator door closed and Kasumi sighed as >she thought of what Ranma's life must be like. Sakura: Answer: Really screwed up. >************************************************************************** Kero: There’s ‘snow way I can come up with another joke. Kero: What? > "He's assigned where!?" Kasumi said as she looked at Ranma's papers, it >said that Ranma was going to be living alone in an abandoned section of old >Tokyo just outside the base. Underground. With no one around for miles. >Conditions that could drive one insane. What kind of father was Genma? Syaoran: A lousy one. Sakura: Khyron must really hate Genma. > "Commander Genma chose the site for its proximity to the base." A run of >the mill secret service man told her. It was scary how they all started to >look alike after a while. They were the only personnel in the base that she >had no direct authority over and had no practical use as Nabiki would say. >As far as she could tell, they were sent here by the U.N. to watch things. >That was how much the U.N. trusted NERIMA. Kero: After all, what’s a secret organization without a bunch of faceless clones wandering around? > "But he's just a kid! you can't expect him to live alone like that! The >place is practically a ghost town! Half the buildings there should have >been condemned years ago! He'll be the only living soul for miles!" > > "Its alright Kasumi. I've lived alone all my life. I'll be fine." Sakura: I didn’t ask you, Hiroshi. > Kasumi looked at Ranma and felt admiration and pity at the same time. So >brave yet so lonely. Well, not if she can help it! > > A few phone calls later and Kasumi was happily leading her new room mate >to her car. The worn out Ranma dozed off after a moment just as Nabiki >phoned her from her mobile. Syaoran: Yeah… Okay. > "Kasumi, heard your playing baby sitter to our newest pilot." Nabiki's >voice was flat and expressionless but Kasumi caught a hint of disbelief in >it. > > "It IS practical Nabiki, as chief of personnel, I'll be able to keep a >close eye on him and cut the cost of living quarters off your budget plan. >Isn't it great? Its shocking how Commander Genma treats his own son though, >didn't even bat an eye lash when I took over his care." Kero:As long as it doesn’t require any work or effort on my part. Go ahead. > "Well, that's the commander for you. Just don't try to put any moves on >him okay? He has had more than enough excitement for now." Kero: Woo-hooo! Sakura: Kero… > "NABIKI!!!" Kasumi misjudged her friend. She DID have a sense of >humor....at least she hoped she had. > > "We'll talk some more next time, we're still up for that dinner right?" > > "Yeah, Ranma and I shall see you there." > > They stopped by a grocery store to pick up some ingredients. Syaoran: Nothing says gourmet like ingredients. >Ranma remained silent through it all. As if his mind was still in shock. Kasumi >felt pity for Ranma and wished she could do something to snap him out of >funk. Sakura: Play that funky music… Kero: NOOOOOO! STOP! >Kasumi thought about it and decided to let Ranma see what he had >accomplished. Driving to a hill overlooking the city Kasumi invited Ranma >to take a look. > > "Ranma, do you see that city over there?" > > Ranma looked at where Kasumi pointed but he couldn't see the city she was >talking about. All he could see was a desolate stretch of concrete. "I >don't see a city." > > "Look closer Ranma." Tomoyo: It’s very small and Oops. I just stepped on it. > Ranma looked closer and something changed. Entire blocks moved and >sections of steel doors opened up like magic to let what looked like >buildings spring forth from the ground. Ranma was held breathless as the >city Kasumi spoke of rose from under the safety of the Geo shield. Just as >the sun truly set, Sakura: As opposed to falsely set. >the light of the city flickered to life and the darkness >only highlighted the beauty of the city's towering buildings. > > "This city is Tokyo 3 Ranma." She said as she saw his bewildered face. >"This is the city you saved." Tomoyo: Of course, hiding it underground helped too. >************************************************************************** Sakura: I’m too tired to care about another star joke >Recollection All: Huh? > "Come in Ranma, this is your home now." > > Ranma felt a vague sense of deja vu as he followed Kasumi into the dark >doorway. For one irrational moment, he was actually afraid to switch open >the lights because there might be another giant robot infront of him. When >the lights were flicked on, he gasped. Kero: It was another giant robot! > Ranma was pretty much a bachelor. His idea of cleaning was at best, >primitive and basic. Here, in her apartment, the floors shined like >polished wood. The furnishing looked like it came from a magazine. The >kitchen looked like a master chef's dream. The whole place was simple yet >it was made so grand by the fact that there was a certain sense of homeliness >that Ranma couldn't even begin to describe. It was as if house keeping >became a perfected science here. Syaoran: Kasumi is a definite improvement over Misato in the housekeeping department. > "You've had a long day Ranma, would you like to take a bath?" Kasumi took >the bags of groceries and headed for the kitchen. > > "Um...not really. I just want to go back to sleep." > > "Oh please don't go to sleep yet dinner won't be ready till later!" Sakura: What? Syaoran: Huh? > Ranma's stomach growled and reminded him that he had nothing to eat except >hospital food for quite a while. > > "Hm....dinner won't be ready until later so if you want to eat now there >are some snacks in the fridge." Kasumi said as she headed for the bathroom. >"I'll be taking a bath, its been a long day." Tomoyo:No peeking! > Ranma smiled as he walked to the biggest refrigerator he had ever seen, he >was liking the idea of living here a whole lot more already. When he opened >it, he rubbed his eyes and pinched himself several times. Inside was the >most picture perfect spread he had ever laid eyes upon. Fried chicken, tuna >cassorole, tossed salad, cakes, and even a long eared black piglet was in >it and sandwiches and...and....a long eared black piglet??? Syaoran: Looks like P-Chan finally met his fate. > Ranma picked up the tray where the strange delicacy was. The piglet was >resting in a bed of lettuce and had a bandana around its neck that acted >as great garnishing Kero: The bandana is a garnish. Sakura: Yum. Fabric. >that went well with the usual apple in the mouth. Ranma smacked his lips as he >imagined how it was going to taste like. Not bothering to fetch the silverware, >Ranma bit into it. > > "BWEEEE!!!!!" > > The pig was alive!!! Kero: Dead ones don’t usually squeal. >Spitting it out just as Kasumi came running in to check the commotion, the furious >pig bit back at Ranma, latching itself to his arm. > > "Ow! Leggo leggo!!!" Syaoran: Leggo my Eggo! Tomoyo: Leggo-mania! >A few stratigically placed punches convinced the pig to stop chewing his arm and it >ran behind Kasumi's feet, hissing and growling at Ranma. > > "Oh my! Ranma, what happened!?" Sakura: What do you think? > "The pig is ALIVE!!!!" Ranma's eyes widened as he realized that Kasumi had >run out of the bath naked. Kero: WOO-HOO! YEAH! Sakura: Kero… Syaoran: HEY! What’s going on?! >Her ample bosom was doing some interesting motions whenever she drew a breath and >her wet slick skin highlighted every curve of her body. Kero: Alright, Khyron! Sakura: KERO! Syaoran: What’s going on?!! Sakura!! >He felt his eyes drift towards the region between her thighs Sakura: KERO!! >and he forced himself to look at her face and ONLY her face. Kero: Awwwww… Sakura: Serves you right. > Kasumi picked up the pig and tried to calm it down. "Of course its alive >Ranma. P is a product of the Jusenkyo program." Kero: So why do you keep him in the fridge? Tomoyo: Seemed like a good idea at the time. >Then she saw his face and realized that she was naked. Blushing furiously, she held >the pig infront of her and jumped back into the bath. Sakura: First Akane, now Kasumi. P-Chan gets around. Kero: You da man, P-Chan! >************************************************************************** Sakura: Never mind the stars. Syaoran: Can you get your hands off my eyes now? > Ranma sat in the bath and tried to forget seeing Kasumi naked just a few >moments ago. Kero: Who’d want to? Sakura: Kero… >What a way to start a relationship! Kero: I’ll say! Sakura: Kero… >At least life here won't be dull. Tomoyo: You can say that again. Syaoran: Finally! What was that all about? Sakura: Oh… Nothing… > He sighed as the warm water lossened all the muscles Tomoyo: Lossened? Syaoran:Hmm… Now where did those muscles go? >that had knotted up since piloting the Eva. Trouble was that baths seemed to >let memories flood back into him, even the most painful ones.... Sakura: Oh boy, here we go, guys. It’s flashback time. >*********************************************************************** Kero: I’m seeing stars! > Pain...there was pain and nothing else. He was vaguely aware of shouting >in the distance but he couldn't make any sense out of what was being said. Sakura: Just like we can’t make sense out of this fanfic. >The Angel was so strong! Even inside the Eva it seemed like the Angel was a >head taller than him. His left arm was broken and his face was caught in >the thing's grip. There was light and flashes like a heart beat and his >skull felt like it would crack after each beat. The light felt like >something stabbing his eye. Sakura:(Motherly) Don’t play with Evas, dear, you could put an eye out. > After one great flash, his skull did crack. He was beyond pain now, he was >in hell! He felt his life gush out of him and his eye was pierced. He was >only being held up by a building he crashed into now. Everything was going >dark....he was dying. Tomoyo: Ranma does a lot of dying in this fic. Syaoran:I’m getting better. >************************************************************************** > > "All systems are down." > "Life support is off line." > "Eva's A.T. field is dead!" > "Synchronization has been severed, no response from the >Eva....it's....silent...." Sakura: William Shatner has joined Hiroshi and Diasuke in the control room. Kero:I… need the… money. > "Nabiki, please do something!" Kasumi begged Nabiki. Her heart froze as >her friend shook her head. Tomoyo:OW! Let go of my head! > "I'm sorry Kasumi...." There was nothing they could do. The Eva was their >most potent weapon but there just was not enough time for her to understand >it. Its strengths. Its weaknesses. She turned away from the screen in >disgust at the cold way her mind was already planing ways on how to gather >data from this battle for possible future references. A boy just gave his >life and all she could do was make foot notes about it! Syaoran: That what happens when you leader is Genma. > The room grew silent. A small moment of silence for Ranma. Kasumi bit back >tears and stared resolutely at the screen. The silent monitors and the >sight of the Eva, beaten. High up on a platform observing the scene before >him like a master strategist, Genma pressed his palm into a panel. After a >brief scan, his command chair's arm opened and a red button rose up to him. >He pressed the button, then the screens flared back to life. Kero: Of course, Genma doesn’t care that his son is dead. Syaoran: At least it wasn’t me! >************************************************************************** > > No....don't want to die. The Eva's one remaining eye glowed with fury. >Burried thoughts surfaced from deep within Ranma and the Eva unit >responded. His world was red as blood. Kero: Ranma has gone to hell. >Ranma felt his fury rising as he stood to face the Angle once again. Syaoran: Curse you, 98 degrees! You’ve ruined the Backstreet Boys! Sakura: Good one, Li-kun! >Unnoticed, his left hand healed and fused together instantly as his stance became >more feral. Stooped and crouched low, the hands formed claws with its fingers, >gripping and releasing in excitement! Ranma lifted his head and cried in a voice so >monstrously deep it echoed into the night! > > "MeoooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooow!!!!!!!!" All: WHAT?!!! Tomoyo: Must be a full moon. Syaoran: Okay, when did Ranma Ikari, who has no history of martial arts, learn the Neko-ken? >************************************************************************** > > "The Eva has reactivated!!" > "Synchronization at 50% and rising!! > "Neural scans have gone hay wire, life support status is still unknown!!" Sakura: Once again, Ranma returns from the dead. > "What the hell is going on!?" Tomoyo: That’s what we’d like to know. >Nabiki looked at the monitor. Eva 01 was had gotten up and looked like a tiger eyeing >its prey. She could feel her hope well up as Eva 01 refused to die and stalked closer >to the Angel. First it walked, then it became a trot, soon the Eva was hurtling at the >Angle at a dead run. Syaoran: Everyone has an angle. > The Angel lifted a palm and shot a beam of light to stop the charging Eva. >The light connected and an explosion that could be felt even in the deepest >corners of Nerima occurred but the Eva hardly slowed a step and ran into >the Angel, tackling it and smashing through several buildings in its wake. When >the dust cleared, the Angel was down on its back, only a shimmering light >surrounding it kept the Eva from harming it. The A.T. field. The Eva >attacked the field itself and its hands clawed apart the A.T. field like it >was made of thin cloth. Kero: What is this? A “Rocky” movie? > The Angle Syaoran: I can’t keep up with this anymore. >tried to fend off the Eva but its arms were caught. It gripped >the green arms into one hand and casually wretched them apart. Green ooze >squirted out of the now deflated arms. Attacking with mindless fury, metal >hands like claws ripping and clawing away at what could have been the >Angle's vitals and at the heart of it, Sakura: You have to get to the heart of the matter. Syaoran: Another day, another typo. >a red globe that shimmered with power. The Angel must have known that it was going >to die because the last thing it did was wrap itself around the Eva and self destructed. >A tall nuclear cloud like a cross proclaimed the last moments of the >monstrous Angel.... Tomoyo: If the Angel is anything like Ranma, it’ll be back >************************************************************************** > > "The Angel's A.T. field has vanished....." > > "Sensors indicate blast strength to be way over N-2 strength level! >Shelters 3 and 4 have been damaged. Sending emergency team right now." Syaoran: Couldn’t this fic mention us by name just once? > "What the hell happened to Eva 01!!" Nabiki stared at the screen as the >Eva started to materialize out of the haze of debris. > > Eyes aglow and hulking along like a monster from the nightmares of its >creators. The walking Eva silenced the room. Not a breath could be heard as >the Eva walked back home. Kero: Great. More melodrama. Sakura: Like sugar though a gas tank, these are the metaphors of Khyron Kingkiller. > Then, amid a pile of boulders, it tripped and fell flat on its face. There >is an even greater silence as everyone gawks. Syaoran: Give me a break. > "Oh my...." Sakura: This is just sad. >************************************************************************** > > Groping about in a dazed fashion. Kero: Ranma, I’m not that kind of girl! Sakura: Kero… >Ranma wondered what was happening. He felt disoriented, detached somehow. Something >metallic fell from his face and Ranma wondered what it was. Turning it over, he saw >that it was a mask like the giant robot he saw before only it's right eye was torn apart. > > Feeling a fear so primal Ranma couldn't describe it, he turned on his >hands and knees. He saw his reflection in a building that should have >towered over him. HE was the giant robot. He couldn't think and he couldn't >reason with his state of mind but he somehow knew that the bloody, alien, >one eyed face staring back at him was Eva 01. It was him. It was Eva 01. Sakura: Um… Tomoyo: Does any of this make any sense? Syaoran: Not that I can see. > Time slowed again as Ranma felt something stirring in him. His right eye >seemed to flow and ripple in place for a moment and he felt a strange >sensation as the missing eye regenerated. Green eyes. Dark eyes. His eyes. >Eva's eyes.....eyes.... Kero: Someone smack the fanfic. It’s skipping. >************************************************************************** > > Ranma shuddered as the memories came flooding back. He remembered >everything. Now all he wanted to do was forget. Syaoran: So do we. Sakura: Amen. >************************************************************************** > >End Part 1 Sakura: Okay, guys. Comment time! Syaoran: Well, for starters, how did Ranma know the neko-ken when the character he plays has no history of martial arts. The neko-ken, by the way, is powered by Ranma’s fear of cats, not death. Tomoyo: The casting was all wrong. It was basically the Evangelion cast with a lot of obvious Ranma-isms grafted on. I swear, if I have to listen to one more “Oh my” today, I’m gonna scream. Kero: Well, it wasn’t all bad. Sakura: We all know what you’re talking about, you little hentai. C’mon let’s get out of here. ** Tomoyo looked up from her copy of “Kawaii Photography Monthly” when she heard the strange sounds of Kero-Chan’s latest video game. It was a combination of weird music, knife slashes, screams and the voice of Mariko Kouda. She got up and went over to take a look. “What on Earth is that game, Kero-Chan?” she asked. “It’s the latest in American/Japanese co-operation.” Kero replied. “It’s called ‘American McGee’s Miyuki-Chan’.” “Daidouji!” Meiling called out as she came onto the bridge. “Do you know where Syaoran and Sakura are? I need them to sign these inventory reports.” “They were looking a little wiped out after the experiment today so I thought they should go unwind in the holocabana.” Tomoyo explained. “They’re trying out my new ‘Evangelion’ program.” She paused to look at her watch. “Hm. They’ve been in there for quite awhile. Magic Voice! How much longer until the Evangelion program is done running?” “Actually, the program hasn’t been started yet, Tomoyo-Chan.” replied the computer. “What? That’s strange. I wonder what’s up.” ** THE HOLOCABANA When Meiling and Tomoyo entered the holocabana they knew exactly why the program hadn’t been started yet. Sakura and Syaoran were sitting on a couch in NERV headquarters dressed in Eva pilot uniforms, Sakura in the red one worn by Asuka Langley and Syaoran in Shinji Ikari’s white one. Sakra’s head rested against Syaoran’s shoulder and his head rested against hers. They both sat there sleeping peacefully. “Awwww!” said Tomoyo “That is sooooooo CUTE! I have to get a picture of this!” Tomoyo rushed off to get her camera. Meiling shook her head ruefully. No sense in waking them up though, she thought. She grabbed a nearby blanket and covered the two of them up. As she left the holocabana , she spotted Tomoyo rushing back in with her camera. She let out a sigh as she returned to the bridge and pressed the button. THE REAL END (Feel free to hum your favorite CCS theme as the credits roll.) Okay, for starters, I need to give credit to Adrian Tymes who wrote “Cards We’ll Never See” which originally featured ‘The Gainax’ card. This is my third MSTing and it’s definitely the longest. I slaved for hours at the computer with this one. I really need to do some serious work on “Card Captor Syaoran” before I start another MSTing though. I just can’t get my computer to open my Chapter 12 file. Stupid thing. -CardCaptor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun) >He was nothing to this monster but the Angel seemed to have heard his cry >and looked down. Ranma felt the Angel's unspoken malice. He was dead. Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 2001 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Keep Circulating the Fanfics....