MSTied: "The Legend of the Red Eye Pentology" Original Author: TurtleNinja MSTied by: Amanda Flowers MSTie edited by: Matthew Blackwell WARNING: It's a long one. [Open on the interior of the Satellite of Love. Mike Nelson, Crow, and Tom Servo are sitting around happily digging into various bowels of cereal. Evidence that they have just gotten up is Mike's bed-head and the cheesy nightcap that Crow is wearing.] MIKE: [Notices Cambot is on.] Oh! Good morning, and welcome to the Satellite of Love! I'm Mike Nelson, and these are my pals Crow and Servo. ['Bots acknowledge.] We thought we would start the day off right with a healthy breakfast, so Tom is treating us to his collection of colorful vintage breakfast cereals! TOM: That's right, Mike! Crow here is enjoying a healthy bowl of Nerds cereal--the cereal that comes in the cleverly subdivided box and has twice the sugar intake of ordinary cereals! CROW: [Chomping away] I can't believe they discontinued this stuff! TOM: Meanwhile, Mike is inhaling a bowl of Fruity Yummy Mummy, the long lost second cousin of Count Chocula, Booberry, and Frankenberry! MIKE: It's not bad. TOM: The cream of the crop is reserved for me, the collector, who is feasting on delicious, nutricious, Ninja Turtles breakfast cereal, mixed with a dash of Legend of Zelda cereal, and peppered with the fine flavor of A-Team cereal. CROW: Servo, you're such a gourmet. MIKE: I didn't even know they *made* A-Team cereal. TOM: [Eats by dunking his head in the bowl, then emerges, face covered in milk.] It fetches a fair price at flea markets, too. [Mads' light flashes.] MIKE: Already? [Pushes the button.] [Deep 13. Pearl is looking deviously cheerful. Dr. Forrester is in the background eating a bowl of cereal. Shao Kahn, skull-helmeted Outworldian overlord and Mortal Kombat final boss, appears to be standing behind Pearl.] PEARL: Goooood morning, Nelson! I'm sure you remember Shao Kahn, evil ruler of the Outworld. SHAO KAHN: Greetings. [SoL.] [All look up from their cereal.] MIKE: --the Hell? [Deep 13.] PEARL: Well, I thought we'd surprise you. Seeing as *Clayton* can't take his face away from his bowl of Swedish Chef Cinnamon Stars long enough to seal a *different* kind of deal... FORRESTER: [from background] It just wasn't going to work out, okay? She was cute, but she was too weird... I think she ran off with some chronic Dungeons and Dragons player... Anyway, I just don't think I was *ready* to be prince of an evil empire... PEARL: Oh, put a sock in it. Since Clayton's too incompetent to deal with Outworld, I made a deal of my own: with Emporer Kahn and his very very *long* list of TurtleNinja's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan-fics. [SoL.] [Everyone groans.] [Deep 13.] PEARL: That's right, Nelson! And don't expect a mamby pampy short little story like the *last* TurtleNinja piece we gave you: "TMNT Versus Mortal Kombat." Today we serve up the mother of them all. SHAO KAHN: You are about to be treated to the horror that is "The Legend of The Red Eye Pentology." [SoL.] CROW: Mike, what's a Pentology? MIKE: Well, I guess that's what you call it when a story has... oh... five parts. CROW: [horrified] Five parts? [Deep 13.] [Shao Kahn and Pearl enjoy some maniacal laughter while Forrester eats his breakfast.] [SoL.] MIKE: [Big swallow] CROW: Umm...Mike, do you remember when we read the last TurtleNinja fan-fic? MIKE: Yeah... TOM: Yeah, and how at the end after we read it we said that it really wasn't all that bad? MIKE: Yeah... BOTS: **We were lying!!** AAAAAAAA!!! [Deep 13.] [More laughter.] [SoL.] [Bots are still screaming while Commercial sign flashes.] MIKE: Ummm...we'll be right...back...? [Commercials.] [Back to the SoL. Bots are calmer, but still very worried.] CROW: What concerns me most is the inclusion of a *body part* in the title. We seem to have a bad record with body parts. TOM: Consider: "The *Brain* That Wouldn't Die." Body part. "Manos: the *Hands* of Fate." Body part. "Mech*tail.*" Body part. MIKE: [shudder] CROW: And, even worse, it's an *eye.* Consider "Attack of the *Eye* Creatures." Consider... [shudders] "The *Eye* of Argon." "Legend of the Red Eye"?? I just can't stand it! MIKE: Well, at least it's not "*Red* Zone Cuba..." BOTS: Aaaaaaaaa!! [Red light flashes.] MIKE: Guess we're gonna find out. We have Fan-fic sign!! [More screaming.] [6...5...4...3...2...*] [Mike sets Servo in his seat; Crow follows in and sits.] >Legend Of The Red Eye TOM: Well, here we go. > > >By: TurtleNinja > CROW: Yup, here we go. > >Leonardo had been gone a long time. Too long. We were starting to get >worried, especially Splinter. Finally, Leonardo returned. But it wasn't >Leonardo. At least, not the old Leo. He had changed. TOM: He had become... a Were-emu. > Raphael and >Donatello noticed it, too. > MIKE: [Raphael] Wow. Is Leo trying a new aftershave? > >Chapter 1 >Left For Dead > CROW: [loudspeaker-type-voice] The zone to the left is for the loading and unloading of dead passengers only. Passengers still living may procede to the right. >We were up on Turtle Cliff, which was nearby Turtle Lake on the east side of >Turtle Farm. TOM: Huh? MIKE: Gee, I don't remember any of *that* from the show... > That morning, it had snowed, but the afternoon was spent >sparring as Splinter instructed us in our moves. The owner of Turtle Farm, CROW: Soon sold the Farm to a Japanese investment firm who quickly turned it into Turtle Pines Golf Course. >our friend, TurtleNinja (TN, for short), was on vacation in Florida and wouldn't >be back for a few days. ALL: [Cheering noises] > We had the whole farm to ourselves. CROW: Hey, if TurtleNinja's not even in this story, who's the narrator? TOM: Will the mystery speaker please stand up? > I was the last one >to fight Leonardo, and the only one to survive. No, the others weren't hurt. I >didn't know it then, but I was the only one left to fight the Red Eye. MIKE: Yep, just me against an early morning plane flight. It's going to be rough. > "All right, Michaelangelo. You're next!" MIKE: It's Michaelangelo! TOM: But...um...Michaelangelo doesn't talk like this. He says "dude" and stuff. It's in his contract. >As I had said before, Leonardo had changed. He had become mean and I knew it >wasn't his fault. CROW: Nah, it was probably all the photographers everywhere... Autograph hounds... Teenage stalkers... People kept asking about his sexual orientation... Didn't get an Oscar nomination for "Titanic..." > Right away, I knew that I had no chance against him. Ever >since he had returned, his strength had more than doubled. And it was still >growing. I started to notice it with the others, too. Slowly, they became >more like Leonardo and less like themselves. When the sparring began, CROW: --I hid in the corner and wet my pants! > I did >my best to defend against the attacks. But he was just too strong. The others >were all on his side, too- even Splinter. He had changed, too. He was more >strict and less tolerant, especially to me. They were his favorites. TOM: [Michaelangelo] On their birthdays, they got video games and pony rides, and pizza and all sorts of neat stuff. All I got was a lousy rock. > "Come on, Mikey!" >That was Leo. The way he said my name scared me. That was not like Leo at all. TOM: Especially since this is the *cartoon,* and they don't *use* short-form on the cartoon. MIKE: Tom, what did I tell you about being a rabid Ninja Turtles fan? CROW: Since when is Tom a rabid Turtles... MIKE: [quietly] Shh! You're blowing our suspension of disbelief here. Just go with it. CROW: Oh right. [Loudly] Yeah Tom! Stop being a rabid Turtles fan! > "Yeah, Mikey, you wimp!" > "Get off your shell and fight!" >Soon, the others had joined in. My left eye was swollen shut and a cut ran >from my lower lip to my chin. TOM: Um...guess this is like that last, *weird* season of the cartoon. > I felt all alone. I was all alone. CROW: [Michaelangelo] I decided that I'd talk to my shrink about these feelings of abandonemnt in our next session. > My brothers were >gone. With my one good eye, I looked up at Splinter. No longer did I see my >fatherly mentor. All I saw was a cold, merciless mutant rat. MIKE: Unlike those hordes of nice,friendly mutant rats all around the place. > He glared down >at me as I looked up at him. > "Michaelangelo! Get up and fight!" Splinter commanded harshly. >I groaned and coughed up blood. > "Finish him!" CROW: No! We're back in Mortal Kombat! Ohmygod... [Crow whimpers as Mike reassures him] >First Leonardo kicked me. And then Raphael. TOM: So...did Leonardo kick Michaelangelo, then Raphael, or did Leonardo kick Michaelangelo, followed by Raphael kicking Michaelangelo? > Then Donatello. And then Splinter. TOM: [whimper.] MIKE: This is like the setup for a logic puzzle. >I could do nothing to defend myself. I was all alone. When they were finished, >they took me to a small ditch and dumped me in. I didn't remember any of the >pain, at least not from the bruises. But the betrayal of my brothers and >Splinter was a worse pain. I didn't remember reaching the bottom of the ditch. CROW: Luckily, nearby bystanders videotaped the entire incident. TOM: Uh-oh. Looks like the trial's going to be held in Simi Turtle Valley. >All I could remember was their eyes. The red eyes flashed through my mind. >The cold, evil, lifeless, red eyes. MIKE: Well, guys, we have title. BOTS: [unenthused] Yay. >Chapter 2 >Mataji TOM: Gesundheit! CROW: Chapter two, already! Wow! That wasn't *too* long... MIKE: I knew it couldn't be that bad. >When I awoke, I had no idea where I was. My whole body ached. My head throbbed. >All around me was dark. A faint lantern glowed above me, giving the only light. >Suddenly, a soft, soothing, feminine voice spoke. MIKE: A guest appearance by Magic Voice? TOM: Nope. A guest appearance by another character through whom the author can insert herself. > > > Rest now. You are safe here. Rest. > > TOM: So they're saying, SLEEEEEEEPPPPP!!!! >What made the voice, I wasn't sure of. But it was calm and relaxing. MIKE: Ben Stein? > At once I >fell into a deep sleep. > CROW: [Michaelangelo] I'm so sleepy, I can hardly keep awake! > >* * * > > >I awoke again to find a cool, slightly damp washcloth on my forehead. The >lantern still glowed, giving me some comfort. I still didn't know where I >was. Then I heard that voice again. > TOM: And now we're in a Peter Gabriel song. CROW: Look, Mikey's armed with a sledgehammer! > > Lie still. My name is Mataji and I shall tell you my story. TOM: [falsetto] See, it all started with my mother... She told me she wanted a *son*! Can you imagine? > > Many years ago, I lived far away in another solar system on the planet >Yumana. But war broke out and I was forced to leave. The war was caused by a >certain evil that we called the Huang Yen, or CROW: --"Yellow River." > Red Eye in your language. That's >when I came to your planet that you call Earth. But I was not the only one. > TOM: [Mataji] Do you know a Dennis Rodman? > > The Red Eye followed. MIKE: [falsetto] Can I keep it? > The Red Eye was once a clan of tirjils, or ninjas in your language, TOM: So if "Red Eye" is in our language, and "Ninja" is in our language, what's the other language? Mandarin Chinese? CROW: No! Yumanan! Aren't you paying attention? TOM: Well, I'm *trying* not to... > who fought >to keep peace on Yumana. The Red Eye was strong, but there was another who >was stronger; one who wanted the Red Eye to rule forever as an invincible power. > MIKE: Wow. The impeachment commitee's charges are really getting out there. > Arjuna was his name TOM: And partyin' was his game. > and he was evil. And evil was him, so it would seem. MIKE: Anyone noticed yet there's a lot of "pure evil" in these stories? CROW: Better than that "watered down" evil. TOM: I bought some imitation evil at Woolworth's once. It just didn't perform. > Arjuna turned the Eye into a powerful army of tirjils. His power was >so great that anyone who looked into his eyes or the eyes of one of his followers >would become like them. MIKE: So, the Red Eye's like Amway then? TOM: No, it's "an evil." MIKE: Well, same thing... > And that's when I had to leave. > > I am old now, but then I was young and strong. I cannot fight the Red Eye >any longer, but now you can. The ones defeated can still be saved. Your friends >are not in control of their minds. You must save them. > > "But how? How can I stop the Red Eye? If I am to stop them, don't I have >to look into their eyes?" MIKE: --the Hell? Michaelangelo speaks like a Knight of the Round Table! CROW: "Coconuts?" > No, you are different. You are like me. The Red Eye cannot touch us. ALL: Ooooohhhh... MIKE: First-rate plot contrivance, TurtleNinja! > > "But what can I do to stop the Eye? How can one fight against so many?" > > There are others like you and I. Others whom the Eye cannot touch. Find them. TOM: Okay, how much do you wanna bet one of those people is the invincible TurtleNinja? > > "Where are they? How can I tell who is like us?" CROW: DNA testing! MIKE: Urinalisis! TOM: Psychoanalysis! ALL: RADAR! >But she was gone. Her voice spoke no more. I lay there for awhile afterwards, >thinking of my brothers and Master Splinter. Why, since we were all family, did >the Red Eye affect them and not me? CROW: I can't answer for your brothers, but Splinter is in an entirely different species... > If only Mataji could have told me more. >Suddenly, Mataji's voice came into my mind again; > > There are others like you and I. Others whom the Eye cannot touch. Find them. CROW: Mike, what is deja vu? MIKE: The feeling that you are seeing or doing something you have seen or done before. > >It was then that I knew what to do. I had to find the others. I had to find >TurtleNinja. ALL: [groan] TOM: Toldja so! >Chapter 3 >Tirjil Headquarters > TOM: Tirjil! A company growing for the future! Leaders in the field of making new words out of random letters! > > "Master Arjuna, my brothers and I know now that Michaelangelo, the fourth >brother, cannot be affected by the Eye. MIKE: [Leonardo] He's got, like, a vaccine or something. > We hope that our reptilian sister, TurtleNinja, >is affected. TOM: [Sputters in astonishment] *Sister*? CROW: And I thought *nothing* could make the love scenes in the Mortal Kombat Crossover any more disturbing... Turns out I was very, *very* wrong! [Both Bots start whimpering.] MIKE: Guys, she might be a nun.. TOM: Oh. Good point. CROW: Wait, a ninja nun? MIKE: They had one in X-Men for a while. CROW: Oh, that's right. Carry on then. > That way, we can turn her against him and destroy him." Leonardo >said. > > Leonardo, are you aware that TurtleNinja may not be affected and could destroy >us all if this is true?" MIKE: Right. *Obviously,* the uninfected Michaelangelo isn't much of a threat, but as soon as the self-insertion character gets tagged, look out. >Leonardo was afraid of that harsh voice that rang out through the practice room. >The tirjils were also there, as well as Splinter and Leonardo's two remaining >brothers, Raphael and Donatello. He knew that Arjuna was very powerful and would >not stop at killing anyone- exept his daughter, Sashi. Leo had seen Sashi around >and thought that she was very pretty. BOTS: [in despair] Noooo! CROW: Another self-insert love affair for Leonardo? TOM: How many of her *are* there in this story? MIKE: Cheer up; keep the riffs coming; we're already on Chapter Three... > Sashi was also at the assembly. Arjuna >turned to her, said something, TOM: [Arjuna] Psst! Your fly is down! > and then she ran off, leaving the assembly. TOM: [stunned] Wow! I was actually right! MIKE: See? We can make it through! >Leonardo remained in the center of the room, in the harsh light that shown on >him from above. > CROW: So, Leonardo's joined the Grey Council? > "Yes, we have thought of that and we shall kill her, then Mikey if she is not >affected." CROW: The other fact we weren't warned about in this fan-fic is Michaelangelo's recent sex change... MIKE: Ew! > Leonardo said and Raphael gave him a thumbs-up from a distance. > > Yes, I see you have learned well, Leonardo. It is time for you and your friends >to return home. You must either make an ally out of your reptilian sister or >destroy her. BOTS: Destroy her! Destroy her! > As for your brother, kill him the first chance you get. There >may be others who will try to help your reptilian siblings. MIKE: They'll be dressed as ice cream truck drivers. > You need to be >aware of them and destroy them whenever you come across them. CROW: In fact, just destroy everything! TOM: This message brought to you by the Destruction Council! >Leo looked up at the Master, who laughed evilly. A second later, Leonardo and >the others joined him. TOM: [The Master] Laugh with me! It's funny! Ha ha! > >Chapter 4 >TurtleNinja! ALL: [Groan] CROW: So soon? TOM: I wouldn't be so scared if it weren't for that exclamation point. MIKE: [Falsetto] TurtleNinja! >I spent the next week in the Room. My bruises healed and I recovered. Mataji had >left; she was gone. TOM: This statement has been brought to you by: Redundancy! Enjoy Redundancy, whereever useless and pointless statements are located! > During the days after I had learned of the Eye, I >explored the Room. I found many books, but they were useless to me because I >did not understand the strange, alien language. Finally, after searching >every shelf, I found an old, dusty book. I blew the dust off the cover [All make coughing noises.] > and was shocked to find a >large, red eye on the cover. CROW: Dear lord! It's the Visine Corporate Handbook! > Immediately, I knew I had to read it, somehow. I >opened the cover and found, to my surprise, that the words were in English. MIKE: Plot contrivance number two! >The writing was in ink, and it was very long and thin. The pages were so >crisp and frail; I was afraid that they would crumble to dust in my hands. The >first page read; > TOM: [deep voice] Today my Catherine and I arrived at this new age. [sigh] At first, I had hoped much for this fertile land, but I soon discovered the whole place to be inhabited with odd-looking mutant turtles. [bigger sigh] With our Linking Books in hand... MIKE: Stop! Stop! There are *enough* scary cross-overs on the Internet! TOM: Just trying to be obscure... CROW: You succeeded. > >The Legend of the Red Eye >By Mataji Sita > CROW: Hey, Mike, didn't you used to go out with her? MIKE: *No.* > >As I turned the pages, a story like the one I had heard from Mataji was written. TOM: --in a galaxy far, far away. I, meanwhile, was reading a very comprehensive Gilligan's Island episode guide. CROW: Evil! >It told of the overthrow of the Red Eye and the coming evil. I soon learned >that Mataji was the Master Tirjil before Arjuna came. Arjuna Sita. I quickly >shut the book, not caring about the pages. I had just learned that Arjuna >was Mataji's brother. CROW: [dripping with sarcasm] Oh, *good.* Does that mean they get a *love scene?* > I had made up my mind. Tomorrow I would leave. > TOM: [Michaelangelo] After all, that doctoral thesis wasn't going to write itself... >* * * > >The only exit from the Room was a small tunnel near the door. It was scarcely >bigger than a manhole and I had a bit of trouble getting through. The tunnel got >bigger as I went on and soon, I was able to walk. I was wondering how Mataji had >made it and why she lived so far underground when suddenly, I came to a door. >There was a nail in the door with a note attached. MIKE: Dear Michaelangelo: Got the hell out of this fan-fic; provide your own exposition from now on, Sincerely, Mataji. CROW: P.S, Bite me. > > > Look for the one called Tur. > CROW: [Ator] Kang! Fish are ready! TOM: Wrong guy. > >Suddenly, it came to me. Our reptilian sister, TurtleNinja. TOM: It *suddenly* came to him? I think this is like the eighth time she's been mentioned. > Somehow, I had >to get to her in Florida and tell her of our situation here. I quickly opened >the door and looked outside. There were trees all around the entrance of the >Room and I knew where I was- Turtle Grove. MIKE: Turtle Farm, Turtle Lake, Turtle Cliff, Turtle Grove? What, do the Ninja Turtles own half the state? CROW: They're thinking of building a theme park. > The others were in our secret meeting place nearby, >talking. Suddenly, I saw a car drive up the driveway through the trees. That's >when I remembered. TurtleNinja was coming back today. I ran through the >trees, yelling; MIKE: STELLA!! > "TurtleNinja! TN!" >Donnie's head turned in my direction just as I tripped on a fallen log. > "Did you guys just hear something?" he asked. TOM: [Leonardo] Did it sound like some stupid idiot yelling out "TurtleNinja! TN!" MIKE: [Donatello] Yeah... TOM: [Leonardo] Must've been your imagination. >I lay on the ground, safely hidden by the underbrush around me. TurtleNinja >would have to take care of herself for awhile. > "Hey, guys! Did you miss me?" TurtleNinja asked. ALL: *No!* > "Must have been the wind." Donatello muttered. "Great!" he said to her. "We're >so glad you're back!" >TurtleNinja looked into Donnie's eyes and saw a flash of red in them, like fire. MIKE: You know the guy's posessed by an evil force when he starts enjoying TurtleNinja's company. >The other turtles, Leonardo and Raphael, went to the trunk and heaved out >TurtleNinja's suitcase and bag. While TN talked to Splinter and Donnie, April >said goodbye and then left Turtle Farm. TOM: Ladies and gentlemen, the obilgatory "pointless mention of April O'Neil!" Thank you. > "Where's Mikey?" TurtleNinja asked. > "He's on a secret training mission. He'll be back in awhile." Splinter said >quickly. CROW: [Splinter] Yep, yep, nobody's become evil around here, or anything, so if that's what you're thinking, just forget about it! >TurtleNinja followed my brothers to the Sleeping Quarters where they showed her >to her room. Then they took her to the Barn, our gym we used for sparring in the >winter. TOM: If ya know what I mean. > It was heated, so we we used it when it got too cold for outside. The >others practiced their moves on dummies [Bots snicker; Mike glares at Crow.] > while TN swam in the pool. I crept up >to the door and slipped inside. Carefully, I climbed the rafters and came right >above my brothers and Master Splinter. I listened carefully and overheard their >conversation. > "So, did you show her the Eye?" Leo asked Donnie. MIKE: [Donatello] Yeah, but she wasn't *really* impressed until I showed her something a little lower down... CROW: Suuurrrreee...*you* can make jokes like that... >They had stopped fighting and were standing in a corner. They were obviously >talking about TurtleNinja. TOM: Wasn't everyone? > I listened for more. MIKE: [whispered] I heard she stuffs her shell... CROW: [whispered] You're kidding me! > "She seems unaffected by it." Donatello said. > "The Eye must prevail!" >That was Splinter. He seemed to be the most affected by now. > "Should I do something about her?" Raphael asked with an evil grin. > "Finish Her!" [Bots whine.] MIKE: I can see why Shao Kahn recommended this fan-fic. >I knew what they were going to do. They were going to try and kill her like they >tried to do to me. Raphael got up from the straw bale TOM: [singing] Turtle in the straw... [Crow whistles] TOM: Turtle in the straw... > he was sitting on and >walked over to the pool. TurtleNinja was on the high diving board, getting >ready to do a flip. > "Hey, TurtleNinja, babe, let me show you a really awesome dive." CROW: Must...fight...urge... Author...making it...too...easy... > he said in >a menacing tone. >TurtleNinja looked down at him and smiled. She obviously didn't notice his tone. >I couldn't let him kill her. MIKE: Aw...couldn't you make an exception...just once? > Raphael was just climbing the ladder to the >diving board as I crawled about the rafters, getting in the perfect spot for >what I wanted to do. He was halfway up when I silently swung my grappling hook >up on the middle beam. Just as he reached the top, I swung down and grabbed >TurtleNinja. MIKE: Me Michaelangelo. You Jane. TOM: Mike, that really *was* a line from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! MIKE: D'oh! CROW: Surrrree, Servo...bet you can name the episode and the season, too... TOM: "What's Michaelangelo Good For," 1990. Very enjoyable episode including Michaelangelo's pet bird, Pete. CROW: You almost *deserve* to be forced to read this fan-fic. > "Michaelangelo! You're alive?" Raphael cried in a surprised voice. > "Turtles! Get them!" TOM: So, just for the record, let me get this straight. In TurtleNinja fan-fics, The Shredder is a really nice, curmudgeonly kinda guy, and all the Ninja Turtles and Splinter are evil? MIKE: That looks about right. >Raphael sprung into action. He did a triple flip off the board, hit the water, >and quickly resurfaced. By now, I had swung safely to a window with TurtleNinja. >Raphael grabbed one of the training ropes and was pulling himself up to our >landing. > "I know you can't help it!" I yelled. CROW: Can't help *what*? TOM: [singing] Can't help myself! I love you and nobody else...! >I turned and broke the glass in the window with TN's Katana. I pushed her up >through the window and onto the roof before pulling myself up after her. >Leonardo and Donatello were climbing the side of the Barn after us with >grappling hooks. There was only one thing to be done. TurtleNinja and I ran to >the edge of the roof and jumped. > MIKE: Wheeeeeee! TOM: [falsetto] Ow! My spine! >Chapter 5 >The Last Master of the Tirjls > CROW: Come on, fan-fic, don't get our hopes up with words like "last." MIKE: Chapter Five! Home stretch! > "Ooof!" >We hit the roof of the snack bar and slid down the tin before landing in the hay >bunk soundlessly. > "TN, are you okay?" I whispered. > "That was fun! Can we do it again?" she asked, giggling. ALL: [muted trumpet] Whaaa-whaaa-whaaa... TOM: I knew TurtleNinja was clueless, but *this* is even *pushing* it! > "We have to run away, TurtleNinja. We have to get away from the Red Eye, >and fast." > "What's the Red Eye?" MIKE: [TurtleNinja] Is that anything like Pinkeye? > "No time to explain." >We were already out of the hay bunk and running across the cattle yard. TOM: The Ninja Turtles keep *cows?* MIKE: Why not? CROW: Domesticated Chud-chewing Cow Assassins! {The others glare at Crow.] CROW: Oh, come on! You were thinking it too! > We leapt >the fence and stopped. Where could we hide? Then I knew where to go. I grabbed >TN's hand and bolted for Turtle Grove. We could be safe in the Room, CROW: Romper Room? > if only we >could get there without being seen. I looked over my shoulder. Leonardo and >Donatello had just reached the top of the roof and were looking over the edge. >Raphael was nowhere in sight. We were safe. But where was Splinter? TOM: Or Waldo? > He must >have been in the Barn still. I hoped he hadn't seen us. We made it to Turtle Grove >and I led TurtleNinja to the entrance to the Room. CROW: The Green Room? TOM: You mean you just *now* noticed she's been spelling "Room" with a capital "R"? MIKE: I'm still scarred from "Barn" with a capital "B." > We were out of breath and I fumbled >with the door. I could barely find it because it was camouflaged into the root of >an uprooted tree. Finally, I managed to get the door open and pulled her inside. >I closed the door; it was pitch black. From out of nowhere, a light came on. ALL: Surprise!! Happy birthday to you... > "Coolness! Where are we?" TurtleNinja asked. CROW: [valley girl] Well, I like called Suzy and she said that we were going to a party tonight, then suddenly...and hey, Michaelangelo, how come we're surrounded by enemy assassins? > "This is a tunnel made by Mataji." I told her. > "Who's Mataji?" TOM: [Michaelangelo] Aw...you know...exposition incarnate... > "Follow me." >We walked down the strangely lit hall and after stooping and then crawling, we >came to the Room. I pushed open the door and received a shock. The place was a mess! >Every one of Mataji's books were strewn about the floor. The bedcovers were flung >about and the table was tipped on its side. CROW: Whoa! Looks like it was a hot time in the old Room tonight! > Someone had been here. And they >were still here. MIKE: [babyish] Someone's been sleeping in *my* bed, and here she is! TOM: A riff for the younger set. > All of a sudden, the lights went out. I heard a muffled yelp from >TurtleNinja and turned to face our attacker. I was greeted by a flying kick CROW: Hi! I'm a flying kick! >to the chestplate that sent me reeling back into a bookshelf. A rope was quickly >thrown around me. I was caught! Then TN let out an earsplitting scream. [Tom follows suit and "lets out an earsplitting scream."] > The >light came on and a figure stood above me. It was another female turtle! [Crow lets out an earsplitting scream.] > Strangely >enough, she resembled TurtleNinja. [Everyone lets out an earsplitting scream.] MIKE: *Enough* with the self-insertion! > "What have you done with my aunt?" she demanded. > "I don't know what you mean. I didn't know that anyone other than Mataji lived >here." I said. > "Who's Mataji?" TN asked. CROW: Mike, what is deja vu? MIKE: The feeling that you are seeing or doing something you have seen or done before. > "My aunt." the other turtle said. "She's gone." > "Who are you? How can Mataji be your aunt?" I asked. > "She is my aunt." she said sharply. TOM: [going crazy] Her aunt! She said it three times! How thick *are* you? > Then, returning to her normal tone, said; >"I'm sorry. I thought you were one of them." > "You mean the Red Eye." MIKE: [falsetto] No, I mean Jehovah's Witnesses! Whew! Next time those people try and convert me...I swear... > "What's the Red Eye?" TurtleNinja asked, more insistent this time. >Quickly, I explained the story of the clan of tirjils and the overthrow of the >Red Eye. TOM: We better just copy that sentence to the clipboard. It looks like we'll be using it a lot today. > "You can't be Arjuna's daughter." I said to the other turtle. > "No, I am not." she said. "My mother is their sister. CROW: [singing] "I'm the cousin to the sister of the son's niece's brother of the uncle's daughter's father of the nephew's sister's mother, and my grandpa's only cousin was the king's daughter's sibling..." > But she's dead. CROW: [still singing] "...and that is why I am now your king!" > And I >suppose Mataji is, too." > "You must be Tur." I said. > "Yes. Turtana Lalita." she said. > TOM: [Forshadowing music] Bum bum bum... CROW: She would have shown up a few years ago, but they were unable to find an American distributor for her. MIKE: Guys, we did it! Five parts! CROW: Five parts! That was five parts already? MIKE: I knew we would survive! Now all we have to do is head on back to the bridge... >part 2 of Legend Of The Red Eye ALL: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! >Legend Of The Red Eye > > MIKE: Say what? TOM: It's not over? It's not over? I thought it was five parts! I *read* five parts! >By: TurtleNinja CROW: It was supposed to *end,* not start over again! MIKE: Oh well. At least Akodo Toturi, Toku and the bunch will be showing up soon. > > "What?" TurtleNinja asked, confused. CROW: Us too, honey, us too! >We all sat there on the dirt floor, not knowing what to say. Finally, I asked; > "Who did this? Why are all the books on the floor?" TOM: Just when you thought it was safe--not only is the story *not* over, but the bad semicolon usage is back! > "It was the Red Eye. They know where we are." > "What are they looking for?" >Turtana fingered the chain around her neck. Then she pulled something from the >folds of her cloak. MIKE: Look out; she's got a gun! > It was an amulet. A ruby in the shape of a red eye. > "Awesome!" TN said in a whisper. CROW: [TurtleNinja] Can I have it? MIKE: [Turtana] No. CROW: [TurtleNinja] But look how it picks up the color of my shell... MIKE: [Turtana] I said No! > "My aunt gave this to me. Right before she had to leave Yumana." Tur said and >put her head down. "She said I was the last one to fight the Red Eye." > "What did you do after she gave it to you?" I asked. TOM: [falsetto] Had it professionally cleaned...wore it to the Prom... > "At first, I just stayed hidden, but the Red Eye just kept growing stronger." >She paused here for a moment. "Then I followed her to your planet." > "Wait a minute. You're saying that you're really from another planet?" >TurtleNinja asked, skeptical. Their resemblance was uncanny. MIKE: Of course... TOM: So let me *guess.* TurtleNinja and Turtana are distant cousins, from the same messed-up planet. MIKE: Very good! CROW: Not *five* minutes ago, she was the Ninja Turtles' *sister.* TOM: At least it makes the love scene a little less...wrong. > "Yes." > "Do you know how the Red Eye can be stopped?" I asked. > "Sort of. Our people say that the Prophecies mention something about a Last >Master of the Tirjils and how she is the youngest descendant of the First >Master of the Tirjils. MIKE: [falsetto] Not to mention the Blaster Master of the Tirjils! TOM: The Last shall be First, the First shall be Last... > She is the only one who can stop the Eye with her power of >unconditional love. CROW: [feign throwing up noises] TOM: Let me guess. ALL: TurtleNinja. >She will join friends and enemies in a powerful force to stop the Eye." > "Is it you?" I asked. > "No. I found that out when I tried to stop the Eye on Yumana. There is >someone else. MIKE: Who, Master Yoda? >The Last Master of the Tirjils." >I knew what Turtana meant by when she said that friends and enemies would >join sides to make a powerful force against the Eye. TN and I had to find the >Shredder. [Tom breaks down in tears.] TOM: No...no...*Not* the TurtleNinja-characterized Shredder...anything but that... I'll be good... > > >Chapter 6 CROW: And I quote, *Mike.* "Pentology," Mike? "Well, I guess that's what you call it when a story has... oh... five parts." *Five Parts,* Mike. I see a six. Do you see a six? MIKE: Oh, you guys think I've got all the answers, don't you? >The Secret Of MIKE: [Hopefully] ...Mana? CROW: [Condescendingly] Evermore. MIKE: Oh, come on, Crow... Secret of *Mana...* TOM: [Losing his grip on sanity] SEIKEN DENSETSU! > The Amulet MIKE: Oh, never *mind.* CROW: No, *Ever* *More.* TOM: *EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP!!!* >That night, we had to leave. The Red Eye knew where we were and would soon >be back. I knew of a place where we could hide. There was an old shed on the >far side of the cattle yard. CROW: Yep, the turtles would never think of searching the old turtle tool shed on their very own property. > A few years ago, TurtleNinja had found it and >turned it into a weapons shed. It was small, but comfortable. There were >rooms with bunks and a good storage of food and water. [There is an awkward silence while Tom weeps openly.] > Once we were settled, we went out to the Barn. I knew >that the others would not be using it at night, so we were safe. TN started >out by doing her rope exercises and would go around the gym, using the pool last. MIKE: Come on, Tommy...you're missing all the riffs... TOM: [very quiet and serious] Just...leave...me...alone. > No sooner >had she started acscending the rope, then she saw a shadowy figure in the >window, in the moonlight. I had forbidden her to turn on the light, knowing >that if the others were watching, they'd find us. The figure leapt down from >the window to the rope platform, not too far from the south catwalk, CROW: "...And I shake my little toosh on the catwalk..." Uh... [Becomes suddenly silent when he senses something isn't right.] > where I was standing. When they landed, >there was the faint sound of clinking metal that gleamed in the moonlight. >Immediately, I knew who it was. CROW: Brian Setzer! > "Shredder!" I whispered. [Tom sobs loudly.] CROW: Well, I was close. >By this time, TurtleNinja had stopped climbing the rope. > "I have heard of your problems with the Red Eye and have come to help." he said. [Tom cries out in pure anguish.] MIKE: [Shredder] And no, it's not part of a nefarious plan to destroy you. Nope. Not at all. TOM: Don't you get it, Mike? In this fan-fic, it won't... [cuts off] > "Really?" TN asked, skeptical. "We could use your help." >She leapt off the rope and landed in the straw bales that she had placed there >to cushion her fall. She stood up, brushing the straw off herself, and looked at >me hopefully. > "Yes." he said. "I, too, have lost allies to the Red Eye." [All noise in the theater stops suddenly.] MIKE: Umm...Tom? Servo? [He shakes him a little. Nothing happens.] >TurtleNinja looked at me again and I had no choice but to agree. I could never >resist that look she gave me a few seconds ago. [Everyone ignores the story entirely.] CROW: Do you think he's... MIKE: No, can't be... [swallows.] > We then gathered the spare weapons >that she had hidden in a secret compartment in the northeast corner of the gym. >None of us had known about it and we promised not to tell anyone. MIKE: We...we gotta get out of here. This is an emergency! [Mike lifts Tom; he and Crow rush out of the theater.] > I knew that someday, I would >have to face my brothers and Splinter. And I knew the day was soon. [*...2...3...4...5...6] [SoL. Mike is still holding Tom's prone, lifeless form. Crow stands dejectly beside him.] MIKE: It can't be...it just...can't be... CROW: He just...gave up. No explosion...no nothing. Just plain gave up. MIKE: He was right there, and there was nothing I could do to save him. [Starts to cry.] Nothing...anyone could have done... CROW: It's the fan-fic! It's this terrible, false-ending, bad characterization fan-fic! It was *supposed* to be done, but, then...it wasn't! And then there was the Shredder, and he... he... MIKE: ...he just gave up. [Deep 13. The three villains are gloating.] PEARL: And then there were two, eh, Nelson? [laughter] FORRESTER: Finally, we've taken out one of those incipid robots, for good! [laughter] SHAO KAHN: Yes; I'm so glad your friends are enjoying my little story... [more laughter] [SoL. Mike has layed Tom down on the table, and somehow he is surrounded by flowers. Gypsy is now on-screen and wearing a black veil. Crow is sobbing into a handkerchief.] MIKE: [To the Mads.] *You.* You did this. You and your fan-fiction... [advances on the camera] You and your Outworldian evil... [Switch to overhead spiraling camera!] MIKE: KAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNN!!!! [Deep 13.] [General laughter.] PEARL: Cheer up, Mike. After all, your short friend is the lucky one. SHAO KAHN: [thickly, rubbing his hands together] *You* still have four and a half more "parts" to read. [SoL.] CROW: [Through his tears] You...can't. How could you? [Deep 13.] FORRESTER: Just *watch* us. PEARL: Oh, we'll be fair...just this once... We'll give you the commercial break to mourn. Then, it's *back* into HELL. Mwa ha ha! SHAO KAHN: Enjoy the break, Nelson... It could very well be your last. [SoL. Audio overlay of villanous laughter while Mike, Crow, and Gypsy mourn, and the commercial sign begins to flash. Fade out.] [Commercials.] [Mike and Crow enter the theater.] MIKE: Best thing now is to just keep our heads up and keep riffing. CROW: Right...right...it's like the Swamp in the Neverending story, right? If you don't let the sadness of the fan-fic get to you, no matter what, the fan-fic can't win. Right? > > >* * * MIKE: Right, Crow. Besides, it's the anticipation that kills you with a story like this. What you imagine is to come is worse than what's in front of you. CROW: So we just keep the jokes coming... MIKE: Tom... Tom would have wanted it that way. > > "Hai! I can't wait to fight the Red Eye!" TurtleNinja cried fiercely. >She did a series of backflips and landed a flying kick in a practice dummy's >chest, finishing it with a "Ya!" CROW: Oh. This from the girl who wasn't looking forward to any fighting in Mortal Kombat. MIKE: I guess when you're killing your own family, it's less of a problem. > "TurtleNinja, shh." I whispered. >We were heading back to the Weapons Shed, which was silhouetted in the early >light of the rising sun. The mists of the early morning had not yet cleared. >We were crossing the most dangerous part of the farm behind the cattle yard, MIKE: Yes, defintely have to watch out for all those killer cows. CROW: The cows are not what they seem... > where we were most in view. >And that's where we were seen. My brothers were just entering the Barn when Raphael >spotted us. > "Hey, who are they ?" he asked the others. CROW: [Raphael, stupid] Uhh...Duh... Is dat duh Power Rangers? > "It's Michaelangelo and TurtleNinja!" Donatello exclaimed angrily. "How did they >get Shredder on their side? And who's their friend?" MIKE: Good lord! It's Howdy Doody! >There was only one thing to be done. We bolted for the Room as fast as we could. But >not fast enough. > "So that's where they've been hiding!" Leonardo exclaimed angrily. CROW: Hiding in plain sight. Geniuses! >They were after us in no time. There was no use in trying to hide. We would have to >face them. Donatello led the attack. It was aimed for me and I couldn't defend it. I >was knocked to the ground and Donnie was on top of me. > "You were dead once," he snarled. MIKE: Really? Did we miss that chapter? CROW: "Chapter One. Left for Dead." MIKE: Oh...oh, yeah! > "And now I'm gonna finish you once and for all!" >He pulled out his bo and raised it over his head. Just as he was bringing it down, I >kicked my feet up and flipped him over my head. The others were not faring much >better. TurtleNinja was trying her hardest to fend off the attacks of Leonardo MIKE: ...for a change. > and Tur >lay on the ground, unconscious. Shredder was trying his best to fight off Splinter, >who was clawing his left arm. CROW: Now, remember: Shredder's a Good Guy. > He quickly sent the rat reeling backwards with a hard >shove. But Donnie was not even fazed. I had just enough time to leap out of the way >as he flew at me. And then Raphael came at me. He picked me up, lifted me above his >head, and began to spin me. MIKE: Wheee! CROW: [Michaelangelo impression] Cowa-buuuuuunnngggaaaaaa!! MIKE: Whoa! Don't do that! CROW: Someone had to. > As I spun, I could see the world flashing before me. >Suddenly, he let go and I went flying in the direction of TN, where I landed with >a thud! I couldn't get up. Donnie and Raph walked over to me. They lifted me above >their heads and prepared to throw me to the ground when... > "Stop! MIKE: [Singing] ...in the name of love... > And let the Red Eye cease to live within you!" CROW: [Evangelist] Do you reject the Red Eye and all its Evils? Lemmie hear an *Amen!* >It was TN. She had Turtana's amulet and was holding it in front of Donatello and >Raphael's eyes. The amulet gave off a strange, red mist and she stood there, as if >in a trance. CROW: Mooon...healling.... MIKE: Don't go there, Crow. CROW: I'm serious! Next on TN's authorial agenda is a TMNT/Sailor Moon crossover where *she's* the most important Scout! MIKE: Criminy, Crow...do you want to get us both *killed?* CROW: It's true! > Suddenly, she dropped the amulet and fell to the ground, unconscious. >I looked at Donnie's eyes, then Raph's. They were still red, but flickering. >Suddenly, their eyes closed and they fell to the ground, bringing me with them. CROW: [Evangelist] Fellow worshippers, with just a smaaal donation, you too can be heaaaled! >The mist closed about us, but the Red Eye was gone from them. But Leonardo and >Splinter were still left. > "You won't get us that easily!" Leonardo shouted. >With my brothers weak, TurtleNinja unconscious, and me hurt, we had no chance. Even >though Turtana and Shredder were still left, the two of them could not fight both my >brother and Splinter. MIKE: Don't see why not. CROW: Might end the story too quick. > But Leonardo was gone. As was Splinter. They had vanished out >of sight, leaving without a sound. They both could sense the amulet's power and knew >that they were no match for it...yet. I realized this as I bent down and picked up >TN's amulet. TurtleNinja really was someone very special. CROW: Oh, that she is. >Chapter 7 >Tur's Cousin > CROW: Who is "TurtleNinja," Alex? MIKE: [Alex Trebek] Correct! Choose again. CROW: I'll take "Predictable Outcomes" for 200. > >Somehow, Turtana and I managed to get everyone back to the Room. I was injured and >in pain, but Donatello and Raphael were back. Shredder had a series of long cuts on >his left arm from when Splinter had clawed him, MIKE: And remember... CROW and MIKE: That's a *bad* thing. > but that was the least of our >worries. Raph and Donnie remembered nothing from the time Leonardo had shown them >the Eye, and it was hard explaining to them what had happened. CROW: ["explaining"] See, the Shredder saved *all* of us! MIKE: [Raph] No way! > In the end, we all >agreed that the Red Eye must be stopped. TurtleNinja was the worst off of all of us. >The amulet had drained all her energy and she was in a coma for a couple of weeks. BOTH: [Cheering noises] >All that time, I sat on the dirt floor by her side of the bed I had placed her on. >I only moved to eat. I never slept exept for short catnaps. But I was never sad. CROW: In fact, I was pretty happy. I was waiting for her to die. >Turtana had a cousin, the Last Master of the Tirjils. Yes, it was true. We knew >little about TN's past and it was not known whether or not she had been adopted as >a child. CROW: [little kid voice] You're adopted! MIKE: [little kid] Am not! CROW: [little kid] Are too! Your *real* daddy worked in the sewers...and then... he moved to the Bermuda Triangle because he didn't love you! MIKE: [little kid] Mooooommm.... > When she finally awoke, Tur and the others were out getting food and supplies. > "Where am I?" she asked sleepily. She looked around the room, confused. > "TurtleNinja! You're alive!" I exclaimed. I stood up and leaned down to [Mike and Crow sit up in alarm] > hug her. BOTH: [sigh of relief] >I then sat down on the bed next to her. > "Where's Turtana?" she asked. "Was she captured by Leo and Splinter?" >She had placed her hands on my shoulders and buried her face in my chestplate, crying. MIKE: Ow. Those things are hard. >I had a tough time trying to calm her down. > "No." I said, putting my arms around her. "The others went out with her to get food >and supplies." > "What if they're spotted by the Eye?" she asked, her voice muffled. CROW: [falsetto] Or...worse...what if they're striped! Or plaid! I can't handle plaid! > "Turtana and Shredder know what to do." I said quietly. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] They'll come home cryin' to powerful, powerful *you.* > She looked up at me and I >gently wiped the tears from her eyes. After a bit of silence, TurtleNinja spoke. CROW: [TurtleNinja] What do you suppose was really in Marellus' briefcase? > "I know what I have to do. I have to stop the Red Eye where it started, but I'm >not sure where that is." > "I know, but wait until you are better. If you don't, they'll finish you off in >mere seconds!" CROW: Uhhh...on second thought...go now! > "Leo and Splinter have managed to escape me this time, but next time, next time, >I shall defeat them both!" she said in a fierce whisper before pulling me closer to her. MIKE: Hey...I thought she was hot for Leonardo! >I wondered what Leo and Splinter were doing at this very moment, CROW: No, looks like, in this version, Michaelangelo's hot for Leonardo. MIKE: Eeeeeww! > but I could only wait. > > >Chapter 8 >The Final Battle? MIKE: Oh, don't tease us so. > >Leonardo walked down the dark corridor. Vents and pipes ran along the ceiling, amongst >a series of wires. CROW: Hey, it's the lab in Resident Evil! MIKE: How come we come up with all the *good* crossovers? > "Master Arjuna wants you in the Training Room." >Leo wheeled around to face a tirjil soldier. Leo did not like to be disturbed and he >took the tirjil by the collar before pinning him up against the wall. CROW: Wow! Tirjils are really short! What are the turtles...four-foot-six? MIKE: Thereabouts. > "What did you say?" he snarled. > "Master...Master Arjuna..he wants you in the Training Room." the tirjil said, >stuttering. >Leo dropped the tirjil and continued along the corridor until he came to some double >doors. MIKE: [signing] Double your pleasure, double your fun... CROW: Remember, there are at least two self-inserts in this story; don't give him any ideas! MIKE: Oh, right. > He pushed them open and stepped into a large room with mats and sparring >dummies which was the Training Room. CROW: There are a lot of dummies in this story. MIKE: Including *us* for reading it. > "Leonardo! Come and stand before me." Leonardo looked around the edge of the >room. CROW: [Deep voice a la Arjuna] Now...do your little happy dance... > All the tirjils were gathered to watch. Splinter was at the side of the mats, >not too far from the platform on which stood the Master. He stood in the middle of >the platform, wearing a black robe. What that robe concealed had never been seen by >Leonardo. MIKE: I would consider that to be a *good* thing. > Leo knew that was him. The one who had first shown him the Eye. Leonardo >hated him with all his heart, but could not turn away from him. CROW: He was being *forced* to look at him by an evil mad scientist and his evil mother, and the evil ruler of the evil Outworld... [sob] > He was Arjuna. >Leonardo walked towards the center of the mats and stood before the Master. MIKE: ThE MAsteR wOuLd NoT apPrOVE of YoUr NiNjA TuRTleS... CROW: Stop that, Mike. > "I have heard some news about you. You have lost your brothers to TurtleNinja, >your reptilian sister. For this, you shall be punished!" MIKE: [very effeminate Arjuna] I'm going to give you such a slap! >Arjuna had stepped down from the platform and stood in front of Leonardo, his hand >raised. Leonardo stood with his eyes closed, expecting the blow. It never came. > "Father! No!" >Leonardo opened his eyes. Arjuna was no longer looking at him. The Master was >looking past him. Suddenly, he dropped his hand and said; > "One more chance, Leonardo. One more chance." CROW: [Arjuna] And then, it's *in* to the rabbit suit with you! >Then he turned and fled the room, his robe flowing behind him. Leonardo turned to >see who had spoken the words. He noticed a small figure dressed entirely in black. >He knew who it was. MIKE: Hebert Villechez. > Sashi. MIKE: Damn! CROW: Oh, right! The *other* beautiful female turtle in this fan-fic. MIKE: Maybe we should be taking notes. > "You saved my life!" he managed to say. MIKE and CROW: Shut up! > "No time for talk. The ones you have lost may find you here. Let's lead them away. >It is time to leave." >They left with Splinter to a grassy meadow not too far from Turtle Farm. MIKE: Oh, the Turtles own *that,* too. > At the >same time, we were being led there by TN's newest ability from the use of the amulet; >psychic tracking. CROW: Damn psychic abilities...they multiply like rabbits! > Arjuna had noticed his daughter's absense and was also led to the >meadow. When we all had gathered, we all knew that we had no choice but to fight. >TurtleNinja was the first one to take action. As before, she raised the amulet and >held it in front of the approaching Red Eyes. MIKE: You are getting very sleepy... CROW: Sleep! *Sleeeeep!* > Her eyes flickered and she moved as >if in a trance, then the amulet released the mists. Suddenly, she groaned and >collapsed to the ground. The mists settled around us as I ran to find Turtle, MIKE: Which Turtle? There are four, if I'm not mistaken. CROW: In this story? Try twenty. >Leonardo, and Splinter. > "Donnie, get Leo. Raph, get Splinter. Let's get them home." I said softly. >We carried them back to Turtle Farm and I knew that the end had yet to come. TN had to >go to Yumana and stop the Red Eye there. CROW: Just what this fan-fic needs! Space travel! > > >Chapter 9 >A New Mission > MIKE: Yay! CROW: Why not? >We got back to our home at Turtle Farm before Arjuna came looking for us. We were >still afraid of them, even though we were sure that the Red Eye had left him and >his followers. When Leonardo and Splinter woke up, TurtleNinja was still unconscious >and it was difficult explaining to them what had happened. CROW: She spends most of this story unconcious, doesn't she? MIKE: Yeah...kinda like... Like Tom... [Both sigh loudly.] > Slowly, they began to >understand my story of the clan of tirjils, the overthrow of the Red Eye on Yumana >and the amulet. CROW: See how much time we're saving by 'cut and pasting'? > Turtana told her story of how she got the amulet to give it to TN, >the Last Master of the Tirjils. > "Why is TurtleNinja unconscious? CROW: Because the audience *hates* her, you twit! > Why won't she wake up and forgive me for what >I've done to her?" Leo asked, frustrated. > "It's not your fault, Leo. We are to blame as well." Donatello said. >Donnie was quieter than usual and remained in the bedroom with TN. He never left her >side. Finally, one afternoon, he kissed her on the cheek, letting someone else watch >over her. CROW: Oh! Oh...oh, no! MIKE: This is really, really *wrong...* > He took her amulet and studied it carefully, looking for something that >would give him a clue as to why it defeated the Red Eye...something that seemed so >undefeatable. Splinter offered to watch TN, CROW: --do her crazy lap dance. Woo-hoo! > but Leo said no. > "Master, I think I should be the one to watch after her." Leonardo said. CROW: [singing] Someone to waaaaatch over me... MIKE: This author has some *strange* fantasies, doesn't she? >He looked over at TurtleNinja, who hadn't moved one inch since I had placed her on >the bed three days ago. She was still unconscious and he was afraid that she wasn't >going to get well. MIKE: Cancel "afraid," try, "thrilled." > He thought that the amulet's power was slowly draining the life >from her. That night, Shredder left us. He returned alone to his underground >fortress, which was now empty. MIKE: The Technodrome? CROW: No, I think in this fan-fic, it's called "Shredder Farm." > He didn't know it, but I had seen him say goodbye >to TurtleNinja when I got up to get a drink of water. CROW: ...What? > I stood just beyond the >doorway for awhile while he gave her the best of luck and pulled the blankets up >closer to her shoulders. As I watched, he removed his helmet and faceplate before >giving her a gentle kiss on the cheek. CROW: Gah! No! No! MIKE: The sadness, Crow! Don't let the sadness of the fan-fic get to you! CROW: I'm trying! But it's...just too hopeless! No end in sight! Everyone is sucking face with the self-insert, and it's *still* not *over!!* > I felt tears come to my eyes CROW: Me too, Michaelangelo! Me too! MIKE: You don't even have tear ducts, really... CROW: It doesn't mean it doesn't *hurt.* > as I realized >that the Prophecies of Yumana that Turtana had told us of had come true. It wasn't >because Shredder had lost allies, it was because he knew that TurtleNinja could >persuade us to help him and that defeating the Eye was more important than his >revenge on Splinter. MIKE: But, then again, in this story, so was just about anything! > I took a quick glance over at Leonardo and found that he was >sound asleep. During the next couple of weeks, Leonardo stayed by her side, never >leaving it exept for meals and a short catnap. CROW: Um...okay...but don't the cats bother Splinter? > Donnie was always studying TN's >amulet, wondering what gave it its power when he gave up, realizing that it was >TurtleNinja herself that gave the amulet power. Soon, our food supply ran out. CROW: And we died of starvation; the end. > We >had to get more. We left Leo and TN alone when she came out of her coma. CROW: Oh...eww!!! No! Not again! Please no! MIKE: The sadness... > Leo looked >up when he heard her yawn. He held her in his arms, crying, happy that she was going >to be okay. > "Leo! Where's everyone else?" she asked, confused. She looked around the room, a >little dazed. MIKE: [falsetto] Oh, I had the strangest dream! And...you were in it! And you! > "TurtleNinja, are you okay?" Leo asked. > "Yeah. I think so." CROW: Okay...that's it. I gotta get out of here before *I* lose it. I *thought* she was supposed to die. MIKE: She's the self-insert! She has to make it clear to the end! Look, just hang in there, okay? > "Good. We weren't sure that you were going to make it!" > "Leo, don't. I'm okay. Really. Where are the others?" MIKE: [Leo] They went to Mardi Gras. You were out for a long time. > "They're out getting food and supplies and Shredder left us a few days ago." > "Oh." > "TN, can you forgive me for what I did to you? Michaelangelo told us what had >happened." MIKE: Only he told his mega-incoherent version. CROW: [Michaelangelo impersonation] So, like, there were these dudes, okay? And, they were the Red Eye...then there was this mondo bizarro babe who told me that I had to find, like, the Master Bator of the Trijuls... It was totally tubular! MIKE: You do that a little *too* well. > Leo asked, sitting down on the bed next to her. > "Leo, I don't need to forgive you. You didn't hurt me or anyone else willingly. It >was the Red Eye that forced you to hurt us." she said softly. > "Rest now, TurtleNinja. You still have one final mission. To defeat the Red Eye on >Yumana." Leonardo said and TN understood what he meant. MIKE: I would hope so; he *was* speaking English, wasn't he? >They thought she had defeated the Eye, but I could still sense its evil. And it was nearby. > > >To Be Continued... > CROW: We don't take kindly to threats around here!! >Legend Of The Red Eye 2: The Return > > >By: TurtleNinja CROW: The author that just keeps on giving! > > >Chapter 1 >Fallen Warrior MIKE: We're back to chapter one? CROW: And people are fake-dying again! > > MIKE: Okay, I get it. Five parts; five chapters per half of part. CROW: We're both doomed, aren't we? >My brothers were back. In the aftermath of the Red Eye, Arjuna and his >followers agreed to stay on our planet until we could find a way of >getting to Yumana. Then, one afternoon, while Tur, TurtleNinja, and I >were looking for the old Room, TN stumbled upon a spaceship. Turtana >recognized it as her aunt Mataji's ship. CROW: [falsetto] You can tell because of the lovely interior decorating. > We decided to go >inside and see if we could use it to get to Yumana. Turtana said that >we could, but it was low on fuel. And what was the fuel? Plutonium. >One of the rarest elements on Earth. CROW: I thought that was Einstienium. MIKE: No, it's Californium. CROW: Krypton? CROW and MIKE: RADAR! > With >what fuel we had, we went through Mataji's video-notes. What we found >was stunning. CROW: [Michaelangelo] Whoa... I didn't know making a turtle and a cat *do* that was *legal!* >It seems that Mataji had not told me all she knew about the Eye and >the war on Yumana. > > "In the basement of City Hall, things are getting worse. Our food >supply is low and the Red Eye is claiming more and more of my people. >My 19 year old niece, Turtana, CROW: So, if Turtana is TurtleNinja's cousin, and Mataji is Turtana's aunt, it would follow that Mataji is TurtleNinja's mother, right? Or at least the sister of her mother. MIKE: You're paying that much attention? CROW: It helps me avoid unnessicary questions. MIKE: Like that last one? CROW: D'oh! >is getting anxious. Two of her friends were found dead last night. >I have to leave Yumana while I still can. I cannot stop the Eye, but >perhaps someone else can. My hope lies within a family heirloom, MIKE: She's betting her entire future on her great-uncle's Swiss beermug? > passed down through the generations. A >family legend says that it is the only thing that can stop the Eye when >possessed by the Last Master of the Tirjils. I have decided to give the >amulet to Turtana. Maybe she can find the one who can stop the Eye." > > "I have arrived on the planet known as Earth and now know that I am >not the only one. CROW: [Mataji] There seems to be a certain matter of around four billion human beings. But, no matter...they shall be destroyed... > My brother, Arjuna, has followed me here in search of his family. >The Red Eye is spreading on this beautiful planet. I have found a fallen >warrior who has lost his family to the Eye. I hope that he is the one >who can stop the Eye or knows who can. I hope that Turtana is able to >find me here and help this young turtle. CROW: [Mataji] I hope I can get out of here alive. I hope I am making sense. I hope that someday, I can have a pony. I would really like a pony. > He fades in and out of a >semi-conscious slumber and I am not sure that he is hearing and >understanding my story. It is unfortunate that I must leave him before >his wounds have completely healed. MIKE: [Mataji] We could've had one rockin' time...mmmmm... > Arjuna is looking for me and I >know that he will kill me. I cannot fight him. I hope that someone >will find these notes. I remember the Prophecies saying something about >the Last Master of the Tirjils and that they have unconditional love. CROW: They love everything! Ants, spiders, snakes, that funny mold that grows on your toothbrush...everything! >They will be the one to unravel this ancient evil that was started so >long ago. MIKE: The ancient, long-ago evil? CROW: The really old, ancient, antique, long-ago evil. MIKE: Thanks. > I..." > >Mataji's notes ended here. I wondered why she had predicted unconditional >love. True, TurtleNinja loved us as if we were her own family, CROW: And we loved *her,* too...rowr. > but she >couldn't help but wonder who her real family was. Even now, without >Leonardo, TN wished she knew where she belonged. With us, a bunch of >mutant turtles, or with this group of alien turtles, MIKE: ...or with that nice group of computer geeks at Heaven's Gate... > a family she had >never really known. Yet, there was another factor to deal with. For some >reason, she felt that she belonged with us, since she had developed a >strong psychic connection with Master Splinter. And even more so, she >loved Leonardo, CROW: Still? I was under the impression that it was all Shredder now. > despite what has happened to him now. > > >Chapter 2 >The Return of the Red Eye > CROW: Battle of the Return of the Son of the Red Eye TWO! MIKE: An Eye's Revenge. > >A week after we had discovered Mataji's ship, TurtleNinja took Leonardo >to see it. They went through the video-notes and TN told Leo that the >ship was our key to getting to Yumana. At this time, I was headed for >the ship with the others. I had just now remembered something I had >seen earlier and wanted their opinions on it. CROW: [effeminate Michaelangelo] Be honest; do these nunchucks make me look fat? > Just as we >reached the entrance, Leo rushed out with TN close behind. In our >collision, we failed to notice the alien turtle atop Mataji's ship. I heard a >faint, metallic snap, CROW: Ow! MIKE: What? CROW: Well, I'm a robot, and that sounds painful! > just before we were whisked upward in a net. My >head struck Turtana's elbow and everything went dark. > > >* * * MIKE: Except for the three pretty stars. > > >As I drifted into reality, I heard an earsplitting scream. CROW: Wow, Another one? This story must be some sort of scream breeding ground. > Now that I was >fully awake, I recognized the scream. Only one mutant I knew could scream >that loud. MIKE: Banshee! > TurtleNinja! MIKE: [Gomer Pyle] Surprise, surprise! CROW: [acidly] No, *I* would have figured it was Rocksteady and *Bebop.* > She was in the next room, screaming at >the top of her lungs for all she was worth. CROW: This statement brought to you by: Redundancy! MIKE: [Sob] That was Tom's line... CROW: [Sob] I know... >Suddenly, there was the sound of a slap and TN's grunt CROW: Oh, I *really* don't want to be witness to this. > of pain that >was followed by a loud thud. Across the hall, I heard the sounds of a fight. MIKE: Maybe if we get out of here now, we can skip this part. CROW: Oh, I owe you. [Crow and Mike leave the theater.] [*...2...3...4...5...6] [The final door opens, not on the Satellite of Love, but in a darkened, darkened room. The only thing visible is the prone form of Tom Servo. He slowly sits up.] TOM: Where...where am I? [A voice replies from nowhere that sounds a lot like Shao Kahn.] SHAO KAHN: Welcome, Tom Servo... to *death.* Now that my fan-fic has completely drained your will to live, your soul is *mine.* TOM: My...my soul? SHAO KAHN: That's right. I've come to drain your soul... TOM: No...no...you can't drain my soul! I... [thinks about it for a minute] TOM: Hey, wait a minute! I'm a robot! I don't *have* a soul! SHAO KAHN: You...you don't? TOM: No, of *course* not! When's the last time you've talked to a robot about his soul? You of all people ought to know about that. SHAO KAHN: You mean...I've done all this work to kill you, and you don't even have a soul? TOM: Nope. SHAO KAHN: Um...what about the other one? Does he have a soul? TOM: Crow? No, he's a robot, too! SHAO KAHN: [hopefully] ...Gypsy? TOM: Nope. Sorry. SHAO KAHN: Well...what about...Nelson? TOM: Mike? Yeah, he's a human, so I guess, technically, he's got a soul... SHAO KAHN: [echoing about the room] Bring to me the soul of Michael J. Nelson!! TOM: Oh, *bite me,* Shao Kahn. Now that I know you can't take my soul, there's nothing you can do to hurt me. SHAO KAHN: Oh, no? Well, there *is* something I can do. I can make you read the rest of "The Legend of the Red Eye Pentology!" TOM: No! No! Anything but that! SHAO KAHN: [Maniacal laughter] [Fade out, and up to...] [SoL bridge. Mike is trying to fix Tom Servo any way he possibly can, while Crow and the beveiled Gyspy look on worredly. The situation looks pretty grim.] MIKE: Generators seem to be fine... All the wires are hooked up... His head's still here... Darn it, why won't he just *live?* CROW: [perks up suddenly] Hey... I just had an idea, you guys! MIKE: What? GYPSY: Lay it on us! CROW: Well, remember how in "The Mortal Kombat Crossover," the one way to cure death was to meditate about it? Maybe if we concentrate, really hard, we can bring Tom back to life! MIKE: You know...that's a great idea, Crow! I never even thought about that! CROW: Okay, okay, ready? Now, just close your eyes... [Mike closes his eyes; Crow rolls his back in his head. With Gypsy, you just can't tell. But, somehow...] TOM: [sits abruptly up] Whoa! Whew! What a nightmare! ALL: Tom!! [Mike gives Tom a hug.] MIKE: You're alive! TOM: Of course I'm alive! But... oh, I had the weirdest dream! Shao Kahn was trying to get at my soul...and he was going to make me read this terrible, terrible fan-fic... [notices the looks on everyone's faces.] Oh. It's true, isn't it? There's a fan-fic still out there... [Everyone nods gravely.] TOM: But...it can't be! MIKE: 'Fraid so, Servo. [fan-fic light flashes.] And we've got fan-fic sign. TOM: NOOOOOOOOO!!!! [6...5...4...3...2...*] [Into the theater.] MIKE: [sitting Tom in his seat] It just wasn't the same without ya, pal. TOM: Thanks... it means a lot. > I heard the >door to the adjacent room open and I feigned unconsciousness to make sure >that I would be left alone if the guards came to check up on me. I was >lucky, for they headed in the opposite direction. I got up and ran into >the room where TurtleNinja was being held. TN was lying sprawled out >on the floor, unconscious. CROW: [falsetto] Oh, Michaelangelo, take me now! TOM: [Michaelangelo] Uh...no thanks. > Turtana ran up to me from her spot >in a nearby corner and told me what had happened. I picked up TN and ran >from the room, Turtana hot on my heels. Sirens blared, signaling MIKE: Movie sign!! >that the tirjils knew that we were on the loose. [Mike makes a blaring siren noise.] TOM: [cop voice] Be on the lookout for a suspicous-looking group of alien mutant turtles. Said to be armed with a funny-looking pendant that...does stuff. > We turned a >corner and came face-to-face with Leonardo. > "Leo! Boy, am I glad to see you!" I cried. >Leo's eyes flashed a fiery red. I could feel their hatred as they >burned into me. Off to my left, Turtana gasped, her eyes wide with fear. > "Oh, spit!" ALL: Ptouey! CROW: Oh...good shot! Hit TN right in the eye! >We turned around and ran towards the nearest exit, bowling over Donatello, >Raphael, and Splinter. I took a quick glance back and saw that Leo had >run up behind them and the four of them watched us run off, knowing that >we would meet again...sometime. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Gee, I hope they're not mad at me for abandoning them... > We ran across the yard of Turtle >Farm and into Turtle Grove, TOM: ...across Turtle Way and over to Turtle Mini-mall! > tearing through the trees as >fast as we could. CROW: [ripping noises] > I opened the door and we slipped inside. TurtleNinja >was just starting to come around as I gently lowered her to the bed. >Moaning softly, TOM: Oh...geez...why does there have to be all of *this?* CROW: At least you missed the kissing scene with Shredder. [Tom starts to panic.] MIKE: No, don't worry, Tom; Shredder's gone from the fan-fic now. [Tom visibly relaxes.] > she opened her eyes and looked into my eyes, confused. > "Mikey, is that you? What happened? The last thing I remember was that >battle in that room...the tirjils were trying to beat Turtana...I tried >to hold them off...one of them hit me." she said, gingerly rubbing her >slightly swollen cheek. CROW: [falsetto] I got a paper cut... Wanna see? > "You're okay, TurtleNinja. I found you and we brought you back to >Turtle Farm. We brought you to the Room- it was the safest place- MIKE: Plus it's quiet...dark... CROW: [falsetto] You tease! >it looks like the Red Eye is back TOM: [announcer voice] ...and thirsty for blood! >and more powerful than before." I said, taking TurtleNinja's hand >in my own. > "I know. The guys who hurt me were trying to show us the Eye. I >guess they became infuriated when they found out that we were both immune." > "We need help, and there's only one person I can think of who can do that. TOM: Ummm...uh-oh. MIKE: [Beep] Hi, this is Jim Rockford. I can't come to the phone, but leave your name and number, and I'll get back to you. *Beep* CROW: [Michaelangelo] Dude! We need your help in repelling an alien armada! Oh, and I lost my skateboard. Can you help me find it? >But how do we summon him?" MIKE: *Red* materia. Red. TOM: Oh...weak, Mike...sooooo weak! > "Don't worry, Mikey. I found a communicator beneath my pillow and I >think I know who it summons." CROW: Santa Claus! >TurtleNinja pulled a small communicator from her belt and pressed a >green button on the left side of the control pad. A faint beep on the >intercom signaled a connection. Suddenly, the screen blinked and Shredder's >face appeared on the tiny screen. CROW: [Lurch] You rang? > A surprised look crossed his face when >he saw who was summoning him. > "TurtleNinja! I see you found the communicator I left you. Is anything wrong?" he >asked. TOM: [cringes] No! I thought you said he was gone! MIKE: Well, we seem to be mistaken. TOM: Oh, curse you, TurtleNinja!! >"Yes. The Red Eye is back TOM: [announcer] ...and bigger than ever! > and has reclaimed the others. It's much >more powerful than before and we just got our shells whipped when we >tried to stop it. I need my amulet back. Are you finished with it?" she asked. >"Not yet. But I will be soon. I'm just working on the last few adjustments and it >will be done. MIKE: Shredder, Amulet mechanic at large. > When I'm finished, it'll be stronger than before TOM: But PH balanced for a woman! > to match the >Eye. Is there any specific place you want me to meet you at?" >"Yes. The Barn. CROW: Boy, with those capital letters, that Barn sounds like a hot new night spot. TOM: This Sunday is Ladies' Night at The Barn, with music supplied by Opie Gone Bad. > I have a little trap that we're gonna set for the >tirjils and you can meet us there. But hurry. We'll need your help and >those laser lights you have left over from awhile ago." MIKE: What? The planet's in danger and they're going to have a fancy light show? >"No problem. I'll be on the surface before you know it." >The communicator went dark. TN replaced it in her belt and we left for the >Barn. > >Chapter 3 >Fire In The Practice Room CROW: Fire in the hole! [Mike and Tom duck while Crow makes explosion noises.] > > >After Shredder arrived, TOM: [sigh] Here we go. > we brought the leftover laser lights inside the Barn. >We used TurtleNinja and Shredder's electronic know-how to string them in >strategic places in the gym. We had a large sound system, too. CROW: They're taking me seriously?! It was a joke guys! Really! MIKE: Crow, you're responsible for half the hotels in Vegas, aren't you? CROW: No! TOM: Suuure you're not. > I wanted >TN to sing one of the songs she had taped off the radio, ALL: No! TOM: Oh, please, no! CROW: So she's got all this "electronic know-how," plus, I'll bet she sings like an angel. MIKE: Right--a Charlie's Angel. > but she wouldn't. MIKE: Thank you! CROW: Gee, first Worf sings kareokie, and now TN does too. When will the horror stop? > Raphael told me that he had caught >her singing along to the tape and told me that she sounded good. Turtana >used her knowledge of physics to make a few booby traps in case the tirjils >got too rowdy. TOM: *Booby* traps in case the tirjils get *rowdy?* Do we even need to bother with that line? CROW: Insert off-color joke here. > But how were >we to get the tirjils to crash our party? Shredder had an idea. We >could program TN's communicator to transmit sound only and set it for >the tirjil headquarters. TOM: Oh, I get it! They beam TurtleNinja's singing right into the tirjils' heads, forcing them all to go mad and commit suicide. > Then we would talk about the party as if we >had no idea that the communicator was on and sooner or later, someone >was going to hear the transmission. As we did so, I couldn't help but >wonder if the Red Eye could see through our flimsy MIKE: --nightrobes. TOM: TN's "Shredder," in sheer silk. *There's* an image I could've done without. > plans to draw >it out of hiding. Shredder shut off the communicator and said; > "Mission accomplished. Now let's get this party on a roll." CROW: Woo-hoo! Kegger! >We were prepared for a fight with the tirjils, but we didn't realize >that Sashi and Arjuna were both going to attend. They had both heard our >transmission and decided to TOM: Get over here and pants us themselves. > accompany the tirjils to the Barn. But >there was one thing we didn't know about Sashi's psychic powers. TOM: Um...that they existed? CROW: *Female* equals psychic powers. You gotta pay attention, like me. TOM: I was unconcious for half the story, okay? MIKE and CROW: Just like TurtleNinja! > She could make it appear that her father could spit >fireballs and set the Barn on fire. CROW: Oh, I can see where *that* would be a tactical advantage... > > >* * * > >After finishing our preparations and traps, we decided to ready ourselves >for our party. I overheard TurtleNinja and Turtana as they decided what to wear. MIKE: Don't Ninja Turtles technically go naked most of the time? TOM: Well, not if they have someplace really important to go. CROW: Yeah, Mike, besides, these are *girls.* They're supposed to care about clothes and stuff. MIKE: How do *you* know so much about girls? CROW: Ummm... no reason. >TN had two outfits that she wanted to wear, but she couldn't wear them >both and we helped her decide. CROW: [Michaelangelo] Uh... I like the leather and fishnet myself...but that's just me. TOM: [Turtana] Oh, go for the one with the real snakeskin! >One was a green tunic that she had altered since she was mutated MIKE: Hold up. I thought she was an alien from the planet Yumana. CROW: Right, just a mutated one. MIKE: Oh. TOM: *Tunic*? > and the >other was a black robe that Leo loved to see her in. We all agreed on the green >tunic, since Leo wasn't going to enjoy seeing her in the black robe. CROW: He was going to enjoy seeing her *remove* the black robe. > At least, not tonight. >She wore the tunic and her amulet, hoping to test Shredder's improvements. MIKE: ...on the tunic. TOM: In his spare time, TN's "Shredder" is also a practiced tailor. > >* * * > >Now, with the party in full swing, we decided to see if the laser lights >still worked. One song that was now playing seemed to annoy both Leonardo >and Arjuna. [Everyone begins singing different songs at once, and an aprupt cacophony ensues.] MIKE: [singing] Don't tell my heart...my achey breaky heart... TOM: [singing] Dreams last for sooo loonnng... even after you're gone... CROW: [singing] Mmmm-bop! Bop, bop, Mmmm-bop! >I couldn't understand Arjuna's anger, but I knew why Leo was mad. The song >was one that reflected his position as our leader- TOM: On his back with his legs straight up in the air! It was a really hard position to hold for too long. [Crow is still singing "Mmmm-bop," and Mike clamps his beak shut.] > he knew we were >playing it to mock him. As the song ended, Arjuna whipped off his robe ALL: Gah! MIKE: [holding his arms up in front of his face] Watch where you flash that thing; people are watching! >to reveal his reptilian form- Sashi was nowhere to be found. After a >brief scuffle with him, TurtleNinja turned around to begin a duel >with Master Splinter. Infuriated, Arjuna spat a fireball at her. CROW: Oh, I get it. MIKE: I guess everyone forgot that Arjuna was a male character, and therefore *had* no powers of his own to use. >She looked up in time to see it coming and leapt out of the way. She >landed high up on the windowsill TOM: Windowsill 98! Crashes ten times more than Windowsill 95! > above the door. The tirjils ran out, >for the flames spread quickly. We, too, ran out, thinking that TurtleNinja >had fled with the tirjils. When I heard her terrified scream, I realized >that she was still inside. I looked up and saw her in the window above the >door. MIKE: Um...wouldn't she realize that the fire was fake, since it wasn't giving off any heat? CROW: How do you know; were you *there*? Maybe it was. > But I wasn't the only one who had heard her. Turtana and Shredder >had heard her, too. She flipped backwards to be below the billowing smoke. >But the flames were blocking the door by now. We couldn't rescue her. >Suddenly, I got an idea. CROW: Dehydrated egg subsitute! Just add water! It's brillant! We'll sell it by the truckload! > Kicking in a ground-level door, I ran >inside the lower level of the Barn and found the trapdoor that lead up >to the gym. There was so much smoke, I could hardly breathe. After what >seemed like forever, I finally found TN in the spot where she had landed. >She had sprained her ankle badly MIKE: Just like a *girl*; screams, falls, sprains her ankle... TOM: She's the reason why April O'Neil is never in these stories. > when she landed and I had to carry >her out. Doing so slowed me down and I wondered later how we made it >out alive. After leaping into the haybunk, I ran out into the cattle >yard, where Turtana and Shredder were waiting. I was coughing like crazy, >but I stopped when I found that TurtleNinja was no longer breathing. BOTS: Yes! >I gently tipped her head back and felt for a pulse. There wasn't one. BOTS: YES! MIKE: Aw, don't worry...she'll be fine. This is only her third near-death experience in this fan-fic. >Alarmed, I motioned for Shredder to get over to us and I whispered >the directions in his ear TOM: [whisper] You go right at the corner of Twelfth and Oakwood, and drive down about three blocks... Hoochie Koochie House is right there on the left; just look for the big neon sign! MIKE: [whisper] Thanks, man, I owe ya! > before leaning over TurtleNinja's limp body. > "1,2,3,4,5, breathe!" I said, counting as I pushed down on TN's >chestplate, hoping to get her breathing and heartbeat going again. CROW: Unfortunately, it turns out that a Yumanan's heart is in her right leg. >A few moments after we had begun, TurtleNinja coughed and she started >breathing again, but she didn't wake up. I looked up at Turtana, who >was watching the Barn burn to the ground. I turned back to TN, who seemed >to be okay now, thanks to my teamwork with Shredder. TOM: Hey, remember that episode of Ninja Turtles where Splinter and Shredder switched bodies, so the Turtles had to trust the Shredder, because he was really Splinter in his body, and they shook Shredder's hand, and it was all neat and heartwarming and stuff? MIKE: Ummmm...I think so... TOM: This is NOTHING LIKE THAT!! Uuuuuaaaaaagghhh!!! > I picked her >up and we returned to the Room. The tirjils were gone, they had fled >back to wherever it was that they came from. > > >Chapter 4 >Wake Up, TurtleNinja > CROW: [singing] Wake up, TurtleNinja, wake up! MIKE: [singing] The fan-fic wasn't so hot...it didn't have much of a plot... >Once we arrived at the Room, I laid TurtleNinja on the bed. I was going >to get rid of her ruined tunic CROW: Oh...jeez...not *another* bizarre fantasy! > when I realized that the zipper in the back had melted >in the heat of the blaze. I would have to cut the seams. Taking out my >ninja's dagger, I slit the seams and slid the tunic from TN's limp body. TOM: Ha! I was right! Jewel video! They were playing Jewel! MIKE: Fine, fine, you were right. > I pulled the blankets up around >her shoulders and then went to the bathroom to get an elastic bandage >and ice pack for her swollen ankle. I was so worried about TurtleNinja >that I didn't even bother to wash the soot from my own face. I wondered >what she was dreaming about MIKE: We don't. TOM: We already *know.* ALL: ALL FOUR TURTLES AT ONCE! [collective shudder] > as I gently pressed the ice pack to >her swollen ankle. After the swelling had gone down considerably, I removed >the ice pack and wrapped TN's ankle in the elastic bandage. She was >shivering and I brought her another blanket. I slid my chair closer to the >bed and stroked her reptilian cheek. CROW: Eeww...if she uses the word "reptilian" as an adjective one more time... > My belt and nunchakus were >hanging on the back of the chair, not in use for the time being. TOM: Gah! He's naked! CROW: They're *both* naked! >Suddenly, TurtleNinja awoke, still shivering. She struggled >to sit up, obviously in pain. > "Mikey, what's going on? Why am I here? What happened to the Barn?" she >asked. > "Shh. It's okay now, TurtleNinja. Everything's gonna be okay now. >Look we kinda had...well, CROW: Look, we ran over the puppy. No, it's okay! We'll buy you a new one! > you'll understand when I tell you. TN, >when I brought you out to Turtana and Shredder in the cattle yard, you >weren't breathing and you didn't have a pulse. Shredder and I...we MIKE: [Michaelangelo] ...tossed a coin over who got to keep ya. Obviously, I lost. >saved your life." >TurtleNinja bent down, buried her head in her hands and began to cry. >I slipped my arms around her, comforting her. > >* * * TOM: Guys, I think we have totally run out of asterisk jokes. CROW: Yeah...we're never going to make it. MIKE: Don't say that! The sadness! > >Later, after I had talked to TN, Shredder and Turtana returned from the >Weapons Shed. I told them of what we had discussed and they told me that >there was virtually nothing left of the Barn. We all agreed to go through >the rubble CROW: Barney Rubble...or Betty? TOM: Rowr. > and see if there was anything >that could be saved. I told them that I would have to stay behind and >watch TurtleNinja. In her condition, she wouldn't be able to leave her >bed for some time. > TOM: I would have to bring the lovin' straight to her. MIKE: Hey, guys, can we try for clean riffs for the next few chapters? TOM: With this material? CROW: We can *try,* but no promises. >* * * > > >I sat next to TN, watching her chestplate rise and fall with her rhythmic >breathing. CROW: See what I mean? MIKE: Try harder. >Suddenly, she awoke and began to shiver. I couldn't bring her another >blanket because she had her own plus the spares and I couldn't take any >from Turtana or Shredder's room. I brought her one of mine, but that didn't >seem to help. I looked at her >helplessly and she understood. > "Y'know, I keep thinking about what happened between us the last time >we fought the Eye." I said. TOM: [Michaelangelo] Uh...I'm real sorry about that whole "screaming and running off into the night like a wuss" thing. It won't happen again. > "Yeah. I keep thinking about it, too." she said. CROW: [falsetto] Michaelangelo, do you remember what you said to me on the balcony that night? TOM: [Michaelangelo] Nope. CROW: [falsetto] Me niether. >We sat in silence for awhile when, suddenly, the sound of the front 'door' >opening brought TurtleNinja to sit up. I sat down next to her and gently >pushed her back, whispering; > "Just lie back and act like you're asleep. If they come in to check on us, MIKE: --I'll just say I drugged you. They'll understand. >they won't stay long." >She relaxed on the pillow. Then, lying down on a cot nearby, I closed my >eyes and feigned sleep. She snuggled under the blankets as the door to >our room opened. CROW: So, all the bedrooms are co-ed. MIKE: Why not? > A beam of light shown down on us as Shredder and >Turtana peered in. I heard part of their conversation before I fell asleep. > "Blast the luck, TOM: Ladies and gentlemen, the only in-character Shredder line in the whole story. CROW: [Shredder] Blast the luck; I've been written into this fan-fic! > they're asleep. I guess we'll have to show them what >we found in the morning." Shredder said. > "Don't worry about it. At least we got away before those tirjils found >out where we were." Turtana said. MIKE: [falsetto] Now let's you and me run off to our co-ed bedroom. > "I know. We got rid of them in a hurry. The smoke bomb I made worked >better than I thought it would. Goodnight, Turtana." CROW: Goodnight, Ma. > "Goodnight." TOM: Goodnight, John-boy. >I heard the doors to their rooms shut and I knew that we had a lot of work >to do before we finally defeated the Red Eye. > > >Chapter 5 >TurtleNinja's Premonition MIKE: [falsetto] I see that you're having some family problems... CROW: [falsetto] Yes! I am! MIKE: [falsetto] Now is she modeling, or you? Because I sense there's a model in this somewhere. > > "Nooo!" >I was jolted from my sleep by TN's scream. TOM: We're up to at least five of those already. At this point, I would stop considering it something *unusual.* > She was sitting up in bed, >breathing hard and bathed in a cold sweat. > "TurtleNinja! It's okay! You've had a nightmare. It's okay, I'm here." >I said, slipping my arms around her. She was trembling all over. > "No. This was no ordinary nightmare. TOM: [announcer] It's *Super* Nightmare! > Not like this. No nightmare >could be this vivid and frightening. CROW: [TurtleNinja] It was the one where I'm at the dentist in my underwear again! I *hate* that nightmare! > Michaelangelo, it was a premonition. Someone out >there is trying to tell me what is going on and what's going to happen to >us real soon." she said, her eyes wide with fear. >TN's strange actions scared me. I had never seen her act like this before. MIKE: Yeah, she's been studying Stanislavsky. > "Then tell me your dream. Perhaps if you tell me, it will go away. TOM: [refined] Seattle, I'm listening. >That works for me... just try it." I said softly. > "Okay, if you think it will help." > "Don't worry, it will." > "It was about Splinter. He was running along the riverbank, CROW: --buck naked! MIKE and TOM: Ew! > by a pool not >too far from Ninja Garden. TOM: Classic! They just don't make games like that one anymore. > I couldn't tell who or what he was >running from, but it was soon made clear that it was a group of tirjils. >Suddenly, an arrow came flying his way. CROW: [Makes a noise as if struck, then, weakly, with British accent] Message for you, sir... > He stepped back to avoid being >shot in the foot and fell backwards into the pool. The ice broke beneath >his weight and he disappeared into the murky water. The tirjils, thinking >that he was dead, left. Soon, Splinter resurfaced and collapsed onto the ice. >I couldn't really tell what was happening now, but I think he was trying >to crawl up on the bank, succeeding in getting himself all muddy. Finally, >he gave up and slid back onto the ice, exhausted. MIKE: [splashing noises] > Suddenly, it started to snow and he >closed his eyes for the last time, defeated. CROW: [hoarse falsetto] Jack! Jack! A boat! No! Jack! A boat! > I could only watch in horror as his >breathing slowed and then stopped. He was dead. TOM: Wow. Dead for the second story in a row. CROW: Splinter has some bad luck in these fics. > Frozen and caked with mud." MIKE: Oh, that's not so bad! Maybe if you meditated real hard, he'd come back to life! > she said and >slumped into my arms, crying. > "It's okay, TN. No matter what happens, we won't lose Splinter." I >said, running my hands along her shoulders and down to her hands. >She looked into my eyes lovingly, her eyes shining with tears. TOM: Oh, no; Oh no, this is starting to get scary again... > I rained >a series of kisses from her temples to her throat to her cheeks to her lips. ALL: Gah!!! [Various cries of protest.] TOM: I thought I *missed* the kissing sequences! >Smiling softly, she turned around and laid down. I turned around, walked >back to my cot and laid down on my side. TurtleNinja was not the only >one worried about Master Splinter. I was, too. The thought of him dying >did not stay with me long as I drifted into a >deep, troubled sleep. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Ew...I kissed TN; what was I *thinking?* > >* * * > CROW: Uh-oh...I sense it's time to load up the dream sequence... TOM: [Michaelangelo] At the dentist's, in my underwear? Whoa--not again! >Turtana, Shredder, and I were running along the river, running away >from something. I couldn't tell what it was; all I knew was that we had >to get away and fast. Suddenly, we all heard a loud noise, like that >of a small motor. CROW: [singing] Hear the engines roll now! TOM: [echo] Hear the engines roll now! MIKE: Huh? BOTS: Don't ask. > It grew louder until it was the only thing we >could hear. Then a snowmobile appeared from around a bend. > "Leonardo?" >I was right. The rider was Leonardo. TOM: Wow! Picked out the turtle on the first try! CROW: Yeah, even I know Leonardo's the one in *blue.* > The others were not with him. >Shredder leapt aboard as Leo drove by. MIKE: Hey, it's the speeder-bike sequence in Star Wars! > A few seconds later, the snowmobile came to >a stop and the two of them rolled to the ice, grappling with each other. >Suddenly, Leo kicked his feet up, sending Shredder into the snowmobile, >knocking him unconscious. MIKE: And, remember... ALL: That's a *bad* thing. > I knew for sure that he wouldn't be coming >to our rescue anytime soon. But before I could gather my wits, Turtana >attacked. Leo easily lifted her above his head and threw her >to the ice. MIKE: [Leonardo/Hulk] Leo *smash!* > She, too, was rendered helpless and now both of my >companions were gone. I was the only one left to fight Leonardo, our >fearless leader. How sarcastically I say that now, TOM: [laugh] They *always* said that sarcastically. CROW: [whiny-voice] Yes, *fearless leader;* whatever you say, *fearless leader*... > for he didn't act >like the leader. Never in my life had I felt so alone. Leo attacked with a >flying kick, followed by a slide kick on the ice. MIKE: Sub-Zero! BOTS: Aaaaaaaahh! > I tried to >counterattack, but he was too fast and too strong. He picked me up >and threw me at his snowmobile. At the last possible second, I pulled >myself into my shell, MIKE: How does that work, anyway? All those limbs fit in there? TOM: Don't question that; they do it all the time. CROW: Yeah, if it happens on the cartoon, Tom thinks it's *real.* TOM: It *does* happen on the cartoon! > saving myself from injury. Before I could react >though, Leo came over and picked me up, realizing that I was unhurt. >Before I knew what was happening, he threw me to the ice and like Turtana, >I could not take the force that went through my body. TOM: [Darth Vader] Surrender to the Dark Side of the Force. > I closed my >eyes and let a peaceful darkness slip over me. TOM: [a little surprised] Oh. Heh...what do ya know? > >* * * > > >As I drifted into reality, I felt a pair of warm hands holding one of mine. > "Michaelangelo, open your eyes." MIKE: [softly] --We're at gramma's... >The voice was but a whisper, but nevertheless, I knew who it was. >TurtleNinja. I opened my eyes and looked into hers. Her hand gently brushed >over my face, wiping away the mistwater. CROW: [falsetto] Sorry...I sneezed. > I realized that I was now >lying on a grassy hill in the middle of Ninja Garden. TOM: I wish they would quit dragging that game into this. CROW: What are you going on about now? TOM: Ninja Gaiden! > "TurtleNinja?" > "Yes, Michaelangelo. It's me." MIKE: Who did you *think* it was, Elvis? >She knelt beside me and whispered in my ear; "Get up, follow me. I'll >take you away from the Eye." TOM: [falsetto] Calgon; take me away! >When I looked up, she was gone. There were bright flowers everywhere >and a bamboo walkbridge that crossed a Turtlemade stream. CROW: ...'cause it wasn't "manmade." Get it? > The stream >flowed through a steamy pool that was in front of me. There was a clay dam >at the end of the pool. Suddenly, TurtleNinja's head broke the surface >of the pool. [Bots make shattering noises.] MIKE: Ow! > I climbed into the pool and swam up to her. I stood >and was surprised at how deep the seemingly shallow pool was where we >were standing. > > >part 2 of Legend Of The Red Eye 2 > MIKE: [announcer] Return of the Grandson of the Legend of the Red Eye's *Revenge!*