>Legend Of The Red Eye 2: The Return Of The Eye TOM: [announcer] I *Still* Know What the Red Eye Did Last Summer. > >By: TurtleNinja > CROW: As if we could *forget!* >The water was up to our shoulders. I held her by her upper arms. Her hands >slid up my stomach and came to a stop on my chestplate. BOTS: Umm...uh... MIKE: Remember guys, clean riffs! Clean riffs! > Surprisingly, >the pool was warm. She reached over and brushed the water from my >cheek again. CROW: [falsetto] ...Sorry...I sneezed again! MIKE: Good one! > My closed eyes snapped open, for I couldn't feel her >anymore. I looked around and saw her by the dam. I dove underwater >and when I surfaced next to the dam, TurtleNinja was not there. I climbed >out and stood on the dam, dripping wet. She was nowhere to be found. ALL: "Damn!" >   "Michaelangelo." >Her voice seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere. I looked behind >myself and saw TN in the stream a few feet from the dam. She splashed >water at me TOM: [TurtleNinja] Tee, hee...now you're wet. > and when I looked for her, she was swimming in the >direction of the river. >   "Wait! Don't go that far, TN!" >But she kept going, as if she wanted me to follow. MIKE: I think she wants us to follow! TOM: What is it, Lassie? What is it, girl? Timmy fall down the old well again and get hypnotized by the Red Eye? > Suddenly, she turned CROW: --into a gorilla! >around and swam back in my direction. But before she got to me, something >held her back. She kept swimming towards me, trying to escape the current. >   "Michaelangelo!" >She continued to swim towards me, but it was too late. For a brief second, our >our fingertips brushed and then...she was gone. Swept away by the red >current of the red river. TOM: "Red star, *fall!* Stain the earth... *RED*!!" > >*   *   * > > >I awoke and bolted upright, bathed in a cold sweat. CROW: Two dream sequences for the price of one! > I turned and looked >down at TurtleNinja, who was sleeping peacefully. [Bots make snoring noises.] > I laid back down and drifted >back into another troubled sleep. MIKE: Another one? TOM: Load next dream sequence! > >Chapter 6 >TurtleNinja Finds Splinter CROW: ...and Michaelangelo finds Waldo. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Oh, yeah! He's the one with only *one* shoe! > >The next morning, when I was able to figure out the meanings of our >dreams, Turtana and Shredder told us of what they had found. The gym was >still intact. Everything was as it had been before the party. It was as if >Arjuna's fire had not existed. It was all an illusion. All of what happened >at the party had been an illusion. Then what about what happened to TN? >Was that an illusion, too? TOM: [Michaelangelo] ...even the part about Jennifer Connely and David Bowie in the ballroom? > She decided to >go on retreat at Ninja Garden MIKE: In a burst of creativity, they didn't call it "Turtle Garden." > so she could clear her mind. She could handle herself >if she ran into some of the Red Eye TOM: *Some* of the Red Eye? I don't think I *get* the Red Eye. CROW: Well, it's like this taint, that, like, seeps into you. But at the same time, it's this group that kinda carries the taint. Get it? TOM: No. CROW: Me niether, but I pretend. > ...she had her amulet. > >* * * > > >TurtleNinja walked along the river, following it to a smaller stream that >would take her to Ninja Garden. She walked on her snowshoes, keeping her >balance well with the slope of the riverbank. TOM: I was under the impression that Michaelangelo was narrating this story. MIKE: Eh, he couldn't make it to this scene; he was busy. > After being at Ninja >Garden for a full day and night, she decided to return, knowing that it >would be unwise to leave Turtle Farm unguarded. CROW: [falsetto] Geez, "protect the castle"; "protect the castle"; what is Hudson's obsession? >She was on her way home when, suddenly, she caught her left snowshoe on something, >causing her to fall facedown in the snow. MIKE: [Pointing at her; a la Nelson from The Simpsons] Ha, ha! > Brushing the snow from her face, >she reached back and pulled an arrow from the snow. Curious, she looked >down at the markings on the feathers. With a gasp, she realized that the >arrow was one of the ones that the tirjils used. She suddenly remembered >that there was a natural pool not too far from where she was. TOM: Unfortunately, it was *Deadpool.* MIKE: [snicker] CROW: [newscaster] Obscure Marvel anti-hero beats the living crap out of cheesy self-insertion TMNT character. Film at eleven. > Standing up, she looked around and saw the slope of >the pool. She usually stayed away to keep from falling in, MIKE: She's the only Ninja Turtle who *can't* swim. > but this >time she went down the slope, knowing that the pool was frozen over. She >didn't see anything unusual, just snow and whiteness everywhere. She was >about to turn back when something grabbed ahold of her ankle. It was a >hand. A furry hand. TOM: [Gomez] Thing, did you get into the Rogaine again? > She looked down and saw the furry hand sticking >out of the snow and it was firmly holding her ankle. CROW: Chewy rises from the icy Hothan grave...thirsty for blood... > She gently pulled >it off and knelt down on the snow. MIKE: [thinking] Is "Hothan" a word, Crow? CROW: Eh, probably not. > She then brushed the snow off the >hand and the arm connecting it to a furry body. Soon, she had uncovered >a bloody mass of fur and mud. TOM: Eeew...somebody ran over a Muppet... >   "TurtleNinja." >She stumbled back. Whatever she had uncovered knew who she was and had >spoken her name. CROW: [singing] Where everybody knows your name... > Then, she saw those eyes. Those warm, caring, loving eyes. MIKE: Those pussy, mucus-filled eyes. >Those eyes that would haunt her for the rest of her life. >   "Splinter." >He had been stripped down, beaten, CROW: They had to strip him naked before they beat him? MIKE: Remember what you're reading, Crow. > and left for dead; left to freeze in >the oncoming winter storm. Taking out a blanket that she had brought along, TOM: [Church-lady] Isn't that conveiiieent? >TN wrapped him in it before picking him up to carry him home. How he had >managed to escape the Red Eye no longer mattered. What mattered was that >Splinter was back and that he was going to be okay. Feeling the warmth >of TurtleNinja's blanket surround him, Splinter soon fell asleep, despite >the biting snow MIKE: [Chomping sounds] > that continuously blew in their faces. > >*   *   * > > >   "TurtleNinja?" Turtana asked as her cousin came through the door of >the Sleeping Quarters TOM: A lovely tavern down the street from The Snoozing Nickel. > as the storm hit. >TN just brushed past Tur and went upstairs. I quickly followed her to >Splinter's room, where she was lowering whatever it was she had found >to the bed. Her face was scratched up from the blowing snow, but it >didn't matter now. She had a more important task to deal with. >   "Mikey, I want you to get some more blankets and medical supplies, okay? CROW: And get me a cappuchino! Stat!! >Hurry!" >I had no idea what she had brought home with her, but I did as I was asked >without any further questions. >   "What is that? What did you find, TurtleNinja?" TOM: [TN] Oh, the descendants of the Roanoake colony. They were busy helping the Atlaneans look for Sasquatch, so they couldn't help us. > I asked as she >tried to apply antiseptic and bandages to the thing lying on Splinter's bed. >   "Damn." >   "What is it?" I asked. CROW: [falsetto] I *told* you; it's a dam! TOM: [falsetto] A big, furry, clay dam! >   "Run and get me a towel. The bandages won't stick while he's wet." >I ran to get a towel, wondering what TN had meant when she said he. Did >this mean that her dream had come true? CROW: She'd finally found her hidden talent and made it onto the David Letterman show? >   "Here." I said, handing her the towel. "Now, do you mind telling me >what you've got there, making a mess on Splinter's bed?" >   "Michaelangelo." she muttered under her breath. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] You mean *I'm* making a mess on Splinter's bed? CROW: [Michaelangelo] Like, if that's Michaelangelo, who am I? >   "Well, what is it?" >   "What? Don't you mean who?" >   "Who? TOM: Dr. Who? > I don't see anyone." >I still didn't know what she had. She finished drying off the furry mess >and tossed me the towel. She looked up at me, saying; >   "Look closer. Who has been taking care of you and your brothers ever since you >guys were lost in the sewers as tiny babies?" CROW: [Michaelangelo] Um...the nanny in the green-striped socks? TOM: It's Jim Henson's Ninja Turtle Babies! >I gasped. He was the last mutant I could have imagined to be in this state. >   "Master Splinter." I whispered, my eyes misting over. MIKE: Hey, let us do the MiSTing around here, pal! >She nodded and continued to bandage him up, for he was beaten very badly. >Once she had finished, she pulled the extra blankets I had brought her up >around his shoulders. I turned away, sobbing because I TOM: --was a complete pantywaist. > knew that >TurtleNinja's premonition had come true. She stood up and slipped her arms >around my shoulders, comforting me. >   "He'll be okay, Mikey. All he needs is rest. He must have used his psychic >powers MIKE: Hey, no way! CROW: Yeah! He's a *guy!* >to escape the Eye and was beaten by the tirjils." >   "Your dream. It came true. That must mean that mine will, too." TOM: TurtleNinja drowns! [Cheering noises] >   "I don't know. Maybe it will and maybe it won't. MIKE: [teasingly] Maybe I do and maybe I don't. > I can't say." she said >softly. I looked over at Splinter and watched him sleep for a few seconds >before I asked her; CROW: [Michaelangelo] "What's that thing on your face?" >   "How can we be sure that he's escaped the Eye and won't be recaptured?" >   "We don't. We won't know until we meet up with the Eye again. I don't even >know for sure if the Eye's out of his body. That was just my guess." >I knew that the day was soon when we would fight the Eye again, but >I didn't know just how soon. > >Chapter 7 >If The Tirjil Escapes... TOM: Oh, oh, I know this one! ...wear it! > >Leonardo wandered around the newly rebuilt Tirjil Headquarters. He wasn't >yet totally oriented with the new surroundings. Since the old HQ had been >destroyed, the tirjils had been spending endless time rebuilding. He had >to find the Master MIKE: You know, I didn't notice this before, 'cause it's really not my area of expertise, but...is this "Manos" is disguise? BOTS: Yup. > and ask him why Splinter was missing. He suspected >that the tirjils had something to do with it and knew that the only way to >find out was to ask the Master. Finally, he cornered one of the tirjils >and pinned him up against the wall, saying in a menacing tone; >   "Where is the Master? I must speak to him." MIKE: I taKe CaRe oF thE plACe...whIle ThE MasTeR...is AwAy. > The tirjil shuddered and >told Leo that the Master was in the Training Room. Leo's eyes narrowed >and he released the tirjil, who backed away in fear. MIKE: [Torgo-Tirjil] I wiLL TeLl thE MaStER thaT YoU Are HEre... TOM: [Leonardo] And be quick about it! MIKE: [Torgo-Tirjil] I CaN trY... > He knew where >the Training Room was. Ever since he had left Turtle Farm, the Eye had >grown even stronger in him. His strength was increasing and he needed to >continue with his ninja exercises. And since his strength >was increasing, TOM: Aaaauuuggh! MIKE: Did we mention his strength was increasing? > he spent most of his time in the Training Room. As he >approached, he heard the sound of weights banging back and forth. The >Master sat up as he saw Leonardo enter the gym. >   "Leonardo! Is something the matter?" MIKE: [whiny-Leonardo] Yeah...I think I sat in some gum... >   "Yes. Indeed there is. Splinter has been missing for three days now, >and I can't help but think that your tirjils have had something to do with it." >   "I have noticed his absense, too. Perhaps he decided to take care of >your brother and friends on his own." >   "No! You are lying ! CROW: [bad Kung-Fu movie] Insolent dog! You shall be punished! > Splinter would never run off on his own without >telling me, Donnie, or Raph. Your tirjils have taken him. Now tell me >what you have done with him!" CROW: [still bad Kung-Fu movie] Or I shall use my secret fighting skill on you! >   "Aren't we being a little harsh, Leonardo?" >   "A little harsh? I'll show you harsh!" >Leo had gone too far. Arjuna rose up from his spot and attacked. The two >of them wrestled on the ground, MIKE: It's Wrestlemania! TOM: [announcer] Which of these two reptiles will be King of the Ring...? > not noticing the small figure watching >them from the shadows. Suddenly, Arjuna pinned Leo with a choke hold and >took out a dagger, pressing it to Leo's neck. >   "You've tricked me! CROW: [Kung-Fu] You have tricked me! You are an excellent fighter! > And I bet you tricked Splinter, too." Leo said. >   "Don't worry. MIKE: [lightly] "--Remember, Gamera is friend to *all* children!" > You'll be joining him very soon." >Arjuna laughed evilly as he brought the dagger above his head, preparing to >rip Leonardo's neck open. >   "No!" >The voice rang throughout the Training Room. Arjuna looked up and dropped >the dagger, seeing the figure in the shadows. He knew who it was. Then, >releasing Leonardo, he bolted from the room. CROW: [Curly-running-away noise] Whooobubububububu! > Leo sat up and looked off to his left. He saw the >tiny figure in the shadowy light of the Training Room's skylights. TOM: [announcer] Will our Mystery Guest please step up and sign in? CROW: How much do you want to bet it's female, "reptilian," and eighty degrees hot for Leonardo? > The figure stepped >into the light and Leo saw that it was a female tirjil, dressed in a black >bodysuit and mask. CROW: He shoots, he scores! >A decorated Katana MIKE: They hung Christmas lights on it. > hung at their side by their belt and Leo knew who >it was. Sashi. She had been watching their battle from afar and realized >that it was time to escape. > >*   *   * > >After realizing that Splinter was back, I decided to do like TN BOTS: Gah!! MIKE: He said "Do *like* TN!" >and go to Ninja Garden on retreat. TOM: Can't . . . parse. . . sentence. . . > I was now walking along the >riverbank when I realized that I was being followed. All I knew now was >that I had to get away. I ran, hoping to escape further down the river. >Suddenly, I heard the faint sound of a small motor and stopped, >listening closely. Suddenly, a snowmobile appeared on the horizon. >   "Leonardo?" TOM: Kate Winslet? MIKE: Billy Zane? CROW: CGI effects animators? >I was right. The rider was Leo. CROW: Mike, what is deja vu? MIKE: The feeling that you are seeing or doing something you have seen or done before. > My brothers were not with him. Leo sped >by and stopped the snowmobile. He leapt off and attacked with a flying >kick that was followed by a slide kick on the ice. [Bots supply cheesy fighting sound effects.] > I tried my best to >counterattack, but it was no use. He was too fast and too strong. I rolled >out of the way as he brought his Katana to TOM: --the ball. MIKE: You're getting "Katana" and "Kitana" confused again. CROW: No, Mike, that's "konfused." MIKE: Sorry. > the ice. Quickly, before >I could get up, he lifted me above his head and threw me to the ice with a >powerful bodyslam. Lightning shot up my left arm. CROW: Okay, just for the record. We have "ice sliding," "Katanas" with a capital K, and now, lightning and arm injuries. Are you *sure* this isn't just a rehash of the Mortal Kombat story? TOM: Nope; more bad love scenes, not enough bad fight scenes. > It was broken. As >in my dream, I could not take the force that went through >my body. I closed my eyes and let a peaceful darkness wash over me. CROW: Mike, what is deja vu? MIKE: The feeling that you are seeing or doing something you have seen or done bef-- TOM: [interrupting] *Enough* with the deja vu already! > >*   *   * > MIKE: But I *like* the deja vu gag... TOM: It's getting old. >As I floated back to reality, I was aware of a pair of warm hands holding >one of my own. >   "Michaelangelo, CROW: Oh, no, this really *is* deja vu. MIKE: You know what that means... BOTS: [horrified] Love scene!! Nooooo!!! > open your eyes. You're safe now." >The voice was but a whisper to me, but nevertheless, I knew who it was. TN. >I opened my eyes and looked into hers. Her hand brushed my face, wiping >away the mistwater. TOM: [Michaelangelo] Yuk...TN, you ever consider trying Claritin? > I was lying on a grassy hill in the middle of Ninja >Garden. >   "TurtleNinja?" >   "Yes, Michaelangelo. It's me." CROW: NO, it's Dolly Parton. Who does he *think* it is? >She reached down and pulled my head up to hers and she kissed my lips deeply. MIKE: Gawd... CROW: Does Leonardo know she's cheating on him? >I could feel her love as it radiated from her. TOM: Too much exposure to mutant love can give you cancer. > She pulled away and >whispered in my ear; >   "Get up. Follow me." >I looked at my arm. Somehow, it had healed and was no longer broken. When I >looked up, TN was gone. I was lying in the middle of Ninja Garden, near the >bamboo bridge. MIKE: Oh! I think that's the part right before the big bad guy with the stick. TOM: You've never played Ninja Gaiden, have you, Mike? MIKE: [sheepishly] Well...no... > The stream ran through the pool in front of me. There were >bright colored flowers everywhere, despite the fact that it was the middle of >winter. I looked around the steamy mists for TN. Suddenly, her head broke the >surface of the pool. CROW: See, contractually, the author's only allowed to re-use *half* of her original sentences. > I climbed into the pool and swam up to TurtleNinja. >The water was up to our shoulders where we were standing, and that surprised >me, for the pool looked shallow from the shore. CROW: She's gotta reword the rest. MIKE and TOM: Oohhhhh. > Looking into my eyes, >TurtleNinja brought her hands to my chestplate and, breathing in deeply, >I slowly tilted my head back. Her warm reptilian lips found my neck CROW: Oh, *there* it is! Thanks; I'd been missing that. > and >her soft touch was like a shockwave, TOM: --power PC plug-in. > an infrared light on my wet skin. She >pulled away from me and I leaned towards her, kissing her briefly on the lips. >   "C'mon, Mikey. Splinter was awake and asking for you when I left." she said. CROW: That's it? They kiss and that's it? MIKE: TN's still carefully straddling Y7. TOM: She's carefully straddling a *lot* of things. >   "Really?" >   "Yes. He was also asking for Leonardo, but, he's still under the Eye's >control." We climbed out of the pool and dried off. Then, after gathering >our gear, we went home. I was eager to talk to Splinter and see what >news he had brought of the tirjils. We were on the east bank of the river >when Raphael appeared. Mystically, he appeared from the trees. CROW: [quickly] Boo! >His eyes glowed bright red when he saw us. >   "Michaelangelo! TurtleNinja! MIKE: [Raphael] How *dare* you start that up without hunky me? > The Master is going to love finding out where >you guys are hiding!" >I froze, not knowing what to do. I couldn't possibly outrun him now, not >when he was under the Eye's control. But I didn't have to do anything. >TN took action right away. TOM: Because she's just so powerful, and all of that. >   "No, Raphael!" she cried, holding her amulet before his eyes. >Raphael stopped in his tracks, his eyes flickering. He was now caught >between the Eye and himself. Suddenly, he fell to his knees, stunned. >TurtleNinja had used her amulet enough so she no longer became unconscious >after using it. CROW: Hey, who would win in a fight between TurtleNinja's red amulet and Johnathan Brisby Jr.'s red amulet? MIKE: Well, TurtleNinja doesn't lose any strength anymore after using her amulet, but, then again, Johnathan's amulet is better at plot contrivances on the whole. I would say Johnathan in round three. CROW: True...but TN's amulet isn't done yet. [Mike shrugs.] > Dropping the amulet back into her coat, she ran over >to Raphael, helping him to stand up. I ran up next to him and slipped my arm >about his shoulders, giving him some support. Shaking his head, Raphael >looked up at us, confused. MIKE: [Raphael] Am I dead? >   "Mikey? TurtleNinja? How'd I get here?" he asked. >   "We're not sure either, but you're okay now." she replied. >   "Whoa there, dude. TOM: [Gasp!] Michaelangelo's in character! CROW: Quick, check the author! Maybe we fell into a different fan-fic! > Careful now. Can you make it home?" I asked. >   "Yeah. I think so. Y'know, the last thing I remember was being chained to >the wall MIKE: Eeew! Not a bondage scene! CROW: Mike, you were the one that said "clean riffs." MIKE: With *this* material? > and being attacked by some weird looking guys with red eyes." >We hurried home as fast as we could. But we had only made it a few feet >when TN noticed a crimson stain in the snow. She looked at me and I >shrugged before she looked at Raphael's leg. There was a deep cut there >and it was bleeding. Using her eyemask as a bandage, TOM: Wonder what her mask color is, anyway. Pink? Orange? MIKE: Cream? Puce? Celery? Paisley? CROW: Black. I checked her web site. MIKE: Crow?? Why?? CROW: Boredom or masochism. You be the judge. > she managed to stop the bleeding until we could get home and get >the wound taken care of properly. I was starting to get worried about what was >happening to Donatello and where Leo had gone after he had broken my arm. MIKE: Little did he know that Leo had traveled to recruit the evil forces of... Funkytown! >Once we had found out where the Tirjil HQ was, we would TOM: Put up big, ugly signs. MIKE: "Secret Ninja Headquarters HERE. Free coffee." > destroy it CROW: Popular pasttime in this fan-fic. >and reclaim my brothers. But the only way we could find the Tirjil HQ >was located was to talk to Splinter. > > >Chapter 8 >The Wrath Of Sashi > MIKE: [Raphael] Wasn't that a movie? CROW: [Donatello] I don't believe I've seen it. TOM: [Gasps] You guys remembered! MIKE: Yeah, we're going through Krang Withdrawl here, too, buddy. >Once we arrived home, TurtleNinja took care of Raphael's injuries while I >was talking to Splinter. He told me that the Tirjil Headquarters was on >the other side of the river. He said that he had used all of his psychic >abilities to escape the hold the Eye had on him, if only momentarily. Then, >he was caught by a group of tirjils and beaten before they had dumped >him in the pool. MIKE: Yeah, and they took his lunch money, too. > He had fallen through and the cold water revived him. >Fortunately for him, the tirjils left and he crawled back out onto the >ice after a few seconds had passed. He tried crawling up the banks, but >like Turtle's dream, CROW: Top Ten Nicknames for TurtleNinja: TOM: TN! MIKE: Turtle! TOM: Tur! CROW: *Wrong,* Tom...that's the *other* girl. MIKE: [mocking] Du-uhh. > he soon became exhausted and flopped back onto >the ice, thinking that he was as good as dead. >   "The next thing I knew, I was covered with snow and someone was within >reach of my hand. I didn't know that it was TN TOM: Oh! I know one! What about... [whispers something to Mike] MIKE: No good, buddy. Don't think we can get it past the censors. > until after she had >brushed the snow from my face. She wrapped me in a blanket CROW: She always carries those things around. >and I fell asleep as she picked me up to carry me home. MIKE: Ya know, she did it with one hand, too. TOM: No doubt. >When I awoke, I found myself here, in my room." >He laid back on the pillows, his fatigue catching up to him. >   "It's okay, Master. Don't worry, the others and I will take care of everything. You >just lie back and rest now." I said. TOM: [Michaelangelo] Yep, we'll be putting you to sleep in just a sec... >He closed his eyes and went to sleep. Silently, I slipped out of the room and went to >find Raphael with TurtleNinja. CROW: Oh, *Jeeeeze...* MIKE: Maybe that's not what it sounds like. TOM: For those of you keeping track, that's three out of four turtles, and the Shredder! > We decided to go to the Tirjil Headquarters, >draw Donnie and Leo out of hiding, and then destroy TOM: [Southern accent] Destroy, Destroooy, *Deeee-strrooyyy-ah!!* > the Headquarters. >Raphael knew that it wouldn't be that easy. Arjuna and the tirjils were quick to spot CROW: --a shoe sale at Reyer's. >traitors and intruders. He knew that when an intruder or traitor was >captured, they were tortured unmercifully. TOM: As opposed to being tortured with mercy. > TurtleNinja, Turtana, >Shredder, and I left, without Raph and Splinter. We weren't yet sure if >they were unable to be recaptured by the Eye and didn't want to run that risk. > >*   *   * > >As we approached the Tirjil Headquarters, TN gave us explicit MIKE: --fan-fic to read. BOTS: Don't do it! > orders to >get Leo and Donnie out as fast as we could so we wouldn't alarm the tirjils >before we destroyed the building. The four of us ran in. We found Leonardo >and Sashi together, planning our destruction. Sashi attacked first. She >was tiny, but, boy, was she tough. CROW: Just like Yeardley Smith! > We had never fought her before and >didn't know how good she was. After Sashi had tossed me into Shredder, MIKE: Ooof. TOM: [Michaelangelo] Uhh...hi, dude. Wow, this is awkward. > Turtana managed to pin her down. Leo ran off, either to find >Donnie or a group of tirjils. Sashi swore that her father would have our >heads for attacking her. I laughed. >   "Your father is weak compared to TurtleNinja. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] ...In fact, everyone is! CROW: *Superman's* weak compared to TurtleNinja. > She defeated him before, >what makes you think that she won't do so again?" I asked. >   "You'll see. My father will destroy you for attacking me like this! >I'm sure that now Leonardo is getting some CROW: How could he be? You're still here! MIKE: Crow, finish the sentence. > tirjils for your defeat." CROW: Oh. > she said, >giving me a cold stare. >   "Oh, really? Why would Leonardo hurt TN if he loves her?" Shredder asked, returning her icy stare. TOM: "Moirane's stare was like the cold ice off a frozen pond. It was so cold that..." MIKE: Robert Jordan, Tom? TOM: Yep! For my next trick, I'll describe in precise detail the embroidery on everyone's clothing! MIKE: No thanks. TOM: And then I'll describe how men and women are different in inexhaustible detail, spread over nearly a dozen books.... MIKE: We get the idea, Tom. >   "Leo? Love her? You've got to be kidding!" CROW: That's what I've been saying for the entire fan-fic! But did they listen to me? Nooooo... > she said. Then, looking at >TurtleNinja, said; >   "He loves me now!" CROW: Cat fight! Cat... MIKE: They're turtles. CROW: er, Turtle Fight! Turtle...No, that just doesn't have the same ring, does it? >TN drew her hand back, poised to strike, when the sound of footsteps behind >us caused us all to turn around. It was Leo. Followed by a group of tirjils >warriors and Donatello. MIKE: It's official. I no longer remember who is a good guy and who is a bad guy. TOM: Join the club. CROW: I do. I've got the FAQ right over here... >Turtana gave Sashi to Shredder and we fled the building. Once we were outside, >TurtleNinja raised her amulet and aimed it at the building. Almost >immediately, the building collapsed. MIKE: Oh, they must be fighting in Detroit. > When the dust had cleared, we saw >no sign of Leonardo or Donatello. Then, TN spotted a green, three-fingered >hand poking up from the rubble. CROW: *Just* the left hand. The rest of the turtle was gone. TOM: Oh, wait, it's just that Robby kid from Dinosaurs. > We ran up to the collapsed building, >Shredder dragging Sashi along behind him. TOM: [falsetto; Sashi] Ow. Ow. Ow. > Working as fast as we could, >TurtleNinja, Turtana, and I uncovered Leonardo. Donatello was nowhere to >be found. But wait! CROW: Sure, drag it out even *longer,* fan-fic. > Holding tightly to Leo's right hand was Donatello. >Both of them were unconscious, but they were both alive. We had no choice. >Along with Leo and Donnie, we would have to bring Sashi with us. Or would we? TOM: I don't know! You're narrating the story! >A figure rose up from the rubble, giving us a start. Shredder must have >released his grip on Sashi, for she ran to the figure. >   "Father!" >Next to me, TurtleNinja gasped. He was huge! [Mike and Crow turn to look at Tom. Tom looks around for a moment, then shrugs.] TOM: I'm Huge?! [The others nod, and resume viewing the story.] > All of my hopes for escape dashed >to pieces at that very moment. >   "You have attacked my daughter and now you shall pay dearly for it!" he cried, >running towards us. MIKE: Bannana Peel. TOM: Ahhhh!!! WHAP! CROW: Lawsuit! >But before he could attack, TOM: --he had to gloat on and on about his evil scheme. Villain union rules. > Sashi stopped him. >   "Let them be. They are no better warriors than the slug people of Pluto." TOM: Ouch! Burn! MIKE: The Ninja Turtles are reeling from that one, folks. >   "Yes. They are no better. Let us leave this planet. I do not wish to be around >others as ignorant as these." TOM: So, talk to the hand, Earthlings. >They turned around and then...vanished. Neither Leonardo nor Donnie had stirred >at all during this time. CROW: Not a creature was stirring, not even a mutant. > TN bent down and felt for a pulse, first on Donnie, then Leo. >   "Well?" I asked. MIKE: Nothing. They're completely dead. Sorry 'bout that. >   "They're going to be okay. The Eye left their bodies just after the building >had collapsed on them. It saved their lives. They'll wake up in a few hours. >C'mon, let's get them back to Turtle Farm." CROW: But let's stop by Turtle Pharmacy to pick up some asprin for these two first. >Relieved, we picked up my brothers and brought them back to Turtle Farm, where >we would TOM: --use them as fertilizer for the soy beans. > let them rest in their rooms and tend to any injuries they had >sustained. > >Chapter 9 >Leo And Donnie Recover CROW: You know, this whole story would be a lot shorter if she just left in the chapter titles and took out the rest of the narration. > >   "TurtleNinja! What happened out there?" Splinter asked when he saw the >conditions of Leo and Donnie. We didn't want to tell him, but we had no choice. TOM: [falsetto] There was a fight; they got beat up. What's for lunch? >   "Let me take care of their injuries while you tell Splinter of what happened." >she said to me. >After laying Leo and Donnie on the double beds in the Medical/Recovery Room, MIKE: Medical Room-slash-Recovery Room-slash-Pizza Kitchen... TOM: [Michaelangelo] Anyone up for some pepperoni and peanut butter? >which was on the third level of the Sleeping Quarters, CROW: This might be an okay time to remark that this is one gigantic farm. TOM: Well, the Ninja Turtles are Amish, you know. > TurtleNinja ran to the >supply room for medical supplies. I reluctantly told Splinter of what happened >and he understood why TN was so upset, even though I didn't. MIKE: For "the sensitive turtle," he's a little slow on the uptake. CROW: Nah, Cousin Balkie said Donatello was the most sensitive turtle. > Later, when I >came to check up on her, I could see the tears in her eyes as she watched over >them. >   "TurtleNinja, you're crying. What's wrong?" I asked softly. TOM: [falsetto sobbing] I...I...gained half a pound! Now no one will love me! >   "Nothing. I'm just worried about what's going to happen to them now. Since >this was the result of my battling the Eye, then I'll be the one responsible >if they..." MIKE: ...Get evil again? Overdose on pizza? What? >She trailed off, swallowing a nervous gulp. I understood why, too. If my >brothers died, she would be the one held responsible. CROW: ...and she'd be hanged at dawn. > There was nothing else >she could do now, just stay by their sides, monitor them, and hope that they >would be okay. She stayed by their sides constantly, never eating unless Splinter, >Shredder, or myself brought her a meal. TOM: [starting to lose it] This is the most repetitive fan-fic I've ever read. What is this, like, the *fourth* time someone's had a week-long vigil at the side of an unconcious person, without eating or sleeping?! It's only the second part of the pentology! And the whole theme isn't even *original*; it's ripped off from Leonardo and Raphael in the first Ninja Turtles movie. Which, might I add, was ten times better than this story!! MIKE: Done, Tom? TOM: Yes, thank you. > She never moved from between >the double beds, holding in her left hand Donnie's right hand and in her right >hand, Leo's left. It was as if she was willing them to wake up and say that they >were all right. One afternoon, Raphael walked in and sat next to her, CROW: --rubbing her shoulders softly to console her... TOM: ..like every *other* turtle so far... >comforting her when she said that they were never going to wake up. MIKE: TN, hun. Of course they're not got to wake up. These are wax statues of the Turtles. The real Raph and Don are in the next room. TOM: You know, that was an episode, too... CROW: Oh, now you've done it. TOM: I'm finished. >   "TurtleNinja, don't say that. They'll wake up. All you have to do is believe MIKE: --in fairies. CROW: [falsetto] And if you just clap your hands, they'll come back to life! >they'll wake up and they will." >   "How can you be so sure?" MIKE: [Raphael] I read ahead in the story. >   "Trust me. Way back before you met us, I was badly injured in a battle. >Before that battle, Leo and I had an arguement. He stayed by my side, upset >because he thought that what had happened to me was somehow his fault. TOM: Gah! No! The author is mentioning her own unoriginality! MIKE: I thought you said TurtleNinja fan-fics were based on the cartoon, Tom. TOM: I'm confused, okay? I just wanna go home... CROW: Maybe they're based on the Image version of these guys. Hey, then the Savage Dragon might be showing up soon for an additionally pointless crossover! >He kept saying that he was sorry, even though he didn't have to. It wasn't his >fault that I got hurt. It was my own hotheadedness that got me into trouble." >he said softly. CROW: Um, Servo, you *are* home. TOM: That's what makes it all so depressing. >    "That's not it. Both Leo and Donnie know that I care about them very much. >The Eye caused them to think that I didn't care. If they knew that I was the >one responsible for what happened to them...oh, I don't know what they'd think. MIKE: Probably the same mean-spirited stuff they think already. >I keep thinking for the worst." she said, slumping into Raph's arms. CROW: Any second now, the love theme from "Ghost" is going to start playing, I can just feel it... >   "It's okay. They'll understand that you didn't know that they weren't out of >the building before you destroyed it." Raph said, gently moving his hands up and >down TurtleNinja's shell. TOM: If this doesn't get any less annoying, I swear I'll die again... MIKE: Okay. We can hold a week-long vigil by your prone body, not sleeping or eating until you revive. CROW: Speak for yourself! >   "I know. But I wish I could help them. I wish there was..." >TN trailed off, seeing Leonardo's eyelids flutter. He was waking up. Suddenly, his >eyes snapped open and he looked up at her, confused. CROW: [Leonardo] TN, is this supposed to be the cartoon or the movie? > Then TN looked at Donnie. >His eyelids were fluttering now, too. He awoke within a few more seconds, >asking for food. MIKE: [cave-man voice] Donatello hungry! Donatello want eat now!! TOM: [cave-man] Donatello want virgin! CROW: He'll have to try another room for that one. > Leo was sitting up and holding TurtleNinja's hand, asking >if she was okay. TOM: Yes, you've been lying there injured and weary; meanwhile she's been sitting there doing *nothing*; naturally, asking if *she* is okay is a fine way to start a conversation. We, meanwhile, are injured beyond the ability to express ourselves, and you are not asking *us* anything. MIKE: Another rant, so soon? We'd better take a break. CROW: We're almost done with this part! MIKE: Okay. > She motioned for Raph to get the pizza that was warming >in the oven and she told Leo that she was okay and that he should rest. >Both devoured the pizza [All make messy eating noises.] > as TN told her story of what had happened. We all >knew that we were safe...for now. But how long would it be before the Red Eye >returned and destroyed us all? > TOM: It couldn't be soon enough. >To Be Continued... > CROW: Just what we all wanted to hear. > >Legend Of The Red Eye 3: Eternal War ALL: We noticed. MIKE: Let's get out of here. [Mike and the 'Bots pack up and leave.] [*...2...3...4...5...6] [SoL Bridge. Tom Servo is by himself at audience left and is holding a pencil in his mouth. A notepad is propped up in front of him, and he is busily writing on it. Crow enters from the right.] CROW: Hey! What'cha' doin'? TOM: Mmmmmrrff... [Spits the pencil out onto the table.] Oh... nothing... CROW: [trying to peek at the notepad] Oh, come on, let me see... TOM: Okay, fine. It occured to me that this fan-fic had me just a little bit riled-up, so I was trying to express...well, my *feelings,* with a little poetry. Okay? CROW: [chuckle] You write *poetry*? TOM: No, no, not usually, but I've had a rough day, and I've heard it can be pretty therapuedic. That's all. CROW: Well, let me see! TOM: No, no, nonono...you don't have to *see* it... CROW: [reading over Tom's shoulder] TOM: Stop that! [Tries to get in front of him.] CROW: Tom, you don't have to be embarrassed! That's really good!! TOM: [angry] Why you... [pause] It is? CROW: Sure! That...that's great! The drama, the pathos... I can really *feel* this! TOM: You think so? CROW: Yeah! Hey, hey, hey, Mike! Come look at Tom Servo's poetry!! TOM: Oh, I wish you wouldn't... You don't have to... [Mike enters from the left.] MIKE: What? [notices notepad.] Tom, I didn't know you wrote poetry! TOM: Well, it's nothing *much*... [Mike picks up the notepad and begins to read.] MIKE: One, one, one, zero, zero, one. Zero, one, one, one, one, zero, zero, one, zero, one. One. Zero. One, zero, one... [flips to the next page] Zero, zero... Tom, I can't read this! It's... CROW: Isn't it great? It hits you right to the core! TOM: Stop! I'm blushing! MIKE: It's in binary. CROW: Well, a robot poem is always purest in its native language, Mike! [Commercial sign is flashing.] MIKE: We'll be right back. CROW: It's so raw! So real...! [Mike hits the button.] [Commercials.] [Back to the theater.] MIKE: What's that poem about, anyway? TOM: It's about the percieved incompleteness of life at the moment of death. >Legend Of The Red Eye 3: Eternal War > CROW: I can't beleive you didn't just *see* that, Mike! TOM: Some people have no taste in art. >By: TurtleNinja > MIKE: I guess she thought we forgot. >Chapter 1 >Leo And TurtleNinja Break Up [Bots cheer.] MIKE: Aw, it's probably just so she can get together with Michaelangelo. TOM: Or Brad Pitt. > >After practice one afternoon, about a week after we had last fought the Red Eye, CROW: The Crimson Red Emerald Orb of Sight! MIKE: Don't do that; that's scary. >I went to talk to TurtleNinja about our last fight and our feelings for >each other. TOM: [Michaelangelo] See, TN; it's like this. I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over... > I walked up the stairs to Leonardo and TN's room. CROW: Oh, yuck! MIKE: Wait; I thought Michaelangelo and TN shared a room. >I approached the door and knocked on it gently. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Are ya decent? TOM: [TurtleNinja] No, but who cares? >   "Come in." TN called. >I opened the door and found her lying on her bed, reading one of her many books. CROW: "Reptile Pirates of Lust." >She looked up at me with surprise and I assumed that she was expecting Leonardo >instead of me. Marking her place, she set the book aside. >   "TurtleNinja, I need to talk to you." I said, closing the door behind me. >   :"Yes. Go ahead. I was just reading to relax after practice." she said. TOM: [falsetto] That Captain Darkshell is soooo cruel! Will he and his lovely captive Turtalina ever find happiness? MIKE: You guys are giving TurtleNinja story ideas again... BOTS: D'oh! >   "About the last time we fought the Red Eye- I hope we don't have to battle >it again. I don't want to lose the others and hurt you and Leonardo all >because of what's happened." >   "Aww, Mikey. You don't have to worry." >She looked at me and I looked at her. Slowly, I moved to kiss her. TOM: I'm just gonna close my eyes for this part. CROW: You don't have any eyes... TOM: Shh! >Our faces were only centimeters apart when we heard a loud knocking at the door. MIKE: It's okay, Tom, false alarm. TOM: Whew! >It was Leo. Turtle CROW: Which one? > was startled as well. >   "Quick. Hide in the closet." TN hissed, shoving me in the closet of disguises. MIKE: [Michaelangelo, muffled] Hey! What's this Barney suit doing in here? >   "TurtleNinja? Are you in there? CROW: [falsetto] No! Uh... > We need to talk." I heard Leo say. >   "Come in, Leo." >Leonardo walked into the room and I heard him sit on the bed next to TN. >She set her book MIKE: --if you took the liberty to call it that-- > on the floor and I heard their conversation. >   "TurtleNinja, I'm sorry for what happened when I was under the Eye's control. >It seems that I can't control my actions, no matter how hard I try." he said. TOM: [falsetto] Oh! That explains the placement of your hands right now... >   "Don't worry about it, Leo." >There was a deep silence. MIKE: [Michaelangelo, muffled] Hey, are you guys still talking out there? CROW: [falsetto] Sshh! > I couldn't see what they were doing and it made me >wonder if Leo was somehow hurting her. There was a small crack between the door >and the jamb and I tried to peer through it. TN saw me and her eyes gave a start. MIKE: The hand is quicker than the eye, so the ref was just trying to be fair. BOTS: Oh. >Fearing that Leo would see me as well, I moved away. As she reached for her book, >I heard TurtleNinja say my name. Right away, I knew that she had blown it. >   "What? What did you say, TN?" CROW: [falsetto] Uh...I said, "My, your hands are low!" As in, cut out the hanky panky right now before I call up the Shredder! >   "Nothing." >   "You said Mikey. Michaelangelo's here, isn't he?" >   "No! I haven't! TOM: Umm...haven't what? MIKE: TN, I would say you *have.* > Leo, don't!" >   "Forget it! From now on, you are out of my life!" [Cheers.] CROW: Maybe while he's at it, he can get her out of the fan-fic, too! > Not caring if Leo saw me, I >peered through the crack. I was afraid of what he was going to do to TurtleNinja. >Leo never got violent with TN. I looked out in time to see Leo raise his hand and >send TN into the wall with a mere swat of the back of his hand. BOTS: Whoo-hoo! CROW: [singing] Celebrate good times, come on! > She slumped to the >floor, stunned. Almost by accident, I looked into his eyes as he struck >TurtleNinja. MIKE: Actually, you guys, this could be a poingant represenation of what goes on in an abusive relationship. CROW: Yeah, it could be, but it's not. > I saw a flicker in them. Not red, but the eyes of a >different Leonardo. A good Leo wanting to reach out and help TN. Then I >saw the evil Leo. One that was possessed by the Eye. He had pushed the other >Leo back into a remote corner of his mind as he took >a step towards TurtleNinja. CROW: Sooo...what happened to her all-powerful anti-evil amulet? MIKE: She was getting it cleaned. > I knew then that the Red Eye had not >left his body. Brother or not, I had to help TN. TOM: Brother? I thought she was his sister! >   "Leave her alone, Leonardo!" I cried, emphasizing every word as I >pushed the closet door open and stepped into the room. CROW: Brick Hardbuns! MIKE: Rock Manlius! TOM: Steve Steelthighs! >Leo stopped in mid-stride and turned to face me. Leo drew his Katanas >and attacked. Once again I saw the flicker in his eyes. MIKE: It almost looked like...intellegence. > I glanced over at TurtleNinja, >who was in a corner, not knowing what to do. TOM: So I started line dancing. I figured that it might work... > I could feel the adrenaline racing through my >bloodstream. Brother or not, Leonardo was not going to hurt TN. With a powerful >swat of my arm, I sent the Katanas into the wall. CROW: Rick Thickarm! MIKE: Stride Cutslash! TOM: Joe Kickbutt! >   "If you can't touch her with love, don't touch her at all!" MIKE: Yeah! What he said! >Leonardo stepped towards me, preparing for a punch. What he didn't expect was my >charging him and pinning him up against the wall. Suddenly, the door flew open and >Splinter stood in the doorway, his eyes sparking anger. CROW: Ooooo...pretty anger! > >Chapter 2 TOM: Electric Boogaloo. MIKE: I was waiting for that. >The Room- Revisited > > >   "What is going on in here?" Splinter asked, curious and angry. CROW: ...and confused and upset and hungry! >He looked from me to Leonardo and then to TurtleNinja. I couldn't see >anything in his eyes, but I knew that he, too, was still in the Eye's power. >All of them were. All but TN. MIKE: And Shredder! TOM: Yeah, don't forget; he's nice and helpful and completely un-evil! > I didn't know where the Eye went after >she used the amulet, but it never left their bodies. Splinter stepped >into the room towards Leo and me, accompanied by Donnie and Raph. >TurtleNinja immediately fled the room. TOM: [falsetto] Eeeeeeeeeeeeeekkk!!! CROW: They like having her around 'cause she's brave. > Where she went, I had >no idea. I didn't even have time to think about where she had gone, >for Splinter was now standing in front of us. Slowly, I released Leo. >Suddenly, I wasn't in the Sleeping Quarters. I was on Turtle Cliff, >about to be beaten by my brothers and Splinter. MIKE: Whoa! CROW: It appears that the turtles have gotten their hands on the JLA transporter technology. > I could see what was going to happen before it happened. >Like before, they beat me. Only this time they didn't dump me in the ditch. >Once I was rendered helpless, they took me to Turtle Grove and left me in >the snow to freeze to death. TOM: And I did. End of fan-fic. > >*   *   * > MIKE: [singing] Here comes Susie Snowflake... CROW: [singing] Bringing her snow white DEATH. >When I came around, I found myself in an unfamiliar place. But yet, I was >certain that I had been here before. TOM: It's a familiar unfamiliar place! > A faint lantern glowed, giving me some comfort. >But I still was not sure where I was. A warmth surrounded me and I closed my eyes, >falling asleep. > > >*   *   * > > >When I woke up from my nap, it took me awhile to realize where I was. CROW: [Michaelangelo] Huh? Mommy? >I didn't know where I was for certain, but I knew that I was somewhere on >Turtle Farm. Then, I heard the voice. That soft, comforting voice. MIKE: That hoarse, crackling voice. >That familiar voice that I would never forget. TOM: [announcer-voice] Name this voice from your past, because, Michaelangelo, This Is Your Life!! [Mike and Crow make cheering noises.] > Mataji. But how? I thought >that she had been killed by the Red Eye. I looked up and into her eyes. >Suddenly, my vision blurred. I blinked. When I opened my eyes again, I no >longer saw Mataji. Now I saw TN. ALL: Gah! MIKE: We don't get a break, do we? > She was with Turtana and someone else >whose face I couldn't make out. I looked around at the dirt walls and >ceiling and realized that I had been brought to the Room. She motioned for >the others to leave and as the second figure went through the door, I saw >who he was. Shredder. CROW: That would have been kind of a neat shock if we hadn't already known he was in this story. > TurtleNinja must have called them and had them come >to the Room. >   "Mikey, you're okay. I thought that they were going to kill you for sure >that time." >   "Aww, TN. You don't have to worry. I would have been okay." >   "No, you wouldn't have been. MIKE: [overly manly TurtleNinja] You need my protection, Weakling! > You were barely alive when I found you." >   "Why are Turtana and Shredder here? TOM: [falsetto] Well, I made one of them up, and the other one's just being mischaracterized! > I know that the Red Eye is back, >but how? Why?" >   "I called them here after I found you and told them of our situation. >When I defeated the Eye with my amulet, I didn't destroy it. I merely >weakened it and made it even angrier. CROW: Gave it a slap on the wrist and sent it to bed without supper. > Splinter didn't escape last time. The Eye allowed him >to regain control of his body until the trap for us was set. Then it >recaptured him." MIKE: That Eye is one tricky little evil force! >   "But why would the Eye trap you?" CROW: 'Cause it can. >   "It's probably because the Eye knows that I am the key to destroying it >and it was desperate to destroy me so that it can prevail and take over >the universe." CROW: Oh. >   "What if the Eye is hiding something from you? How will you find out?" >   "I don't know, Mikey. I don't know." >There was a heavy silence between us. Neither of us spoke for a long time. TOM: Enjoy our redundancy! >Then, suddenly, the door to our room opened and Shredder stood in the doorway. >   "We have received a message from Yumana. It seems urgent." he said, >looking up at us. Turtana had come up behind him. >   "What is it? A message from one of my distant relatives?" TurtleNinja asked. MIKE: [falsetto] Uncle Steve? >   "I'm not sure." >We got up and ran into Mataji's ship. A viewscreen was on and an alien >turtle was on the screen. It spoke, but we were confused. It spoke an >alien language TOM: Klatoo! Nikto! Barata! CROW: Appipulai! > and we couldn't understand the words. I glanced over at >TN, who had a strange look on her face. It appeared that she understood the words. MIKE: [falsetto] I swear, Jabba, I'll have the money for you as soon as I can! >Then the screen went dark. >   "There's a problem. The war on Yumana has gotten worse. It seems that >this war caused by the Eye has gone on for many centuries. The alien turtle >said that she knew Mataji. She didn't tell you everything, Mikey. >There's a book that's been in our family for many generations CROW: [falsetto] "Reptile Pirates of Lust." It's very, very important. > that has >recorded everything that's happened since the Eye began the war. We've >got to retrieve it." she said. >   "That's impossible! If there had been such a book, I would have known >about it." Turtana said. MIKE: [snooty falsetto] I know *everything.* CROW: Was the book by Jim Theis? If so, I'd skip it if I were you. >   "Maybe so. But maybe Mataji was worried about your safety so she told a friend >or one of her close companions." >   "TurtleNinja, I don't think that Mataji would do that. I really don't." > >Chapter 3 >Sympathy For The Devil CROW: Ummm...is it my imagination, or is that kind of a neat chapter title? TOM: Snap out of it, Crow! You're delerious! > >   "How did everything go, Sashi?" Leonardo asked. >   "Perfect. Those fools bought it. CROW: [evil falsetto] Two-hundred dollars, and it wasn't even a *real* Princess Diana Beanie Baby. > They actually thought that I was >calling from Yumana." Sashi said. >   "Excellent! By telling that kind of information to TurtleNinja, we'll be >forgotten by them while they retrieve a book on how to stop the Eye that >doesn't exist." MIKE: The Eye doesn't exist? CROW: Then all that red-glowing stuff was just for show...right? >   "The only thing I'm worried about is that Turtana Lalita may realize >that there is no such book and that what Turtle and the others are heading >into is a trap." >   "Turtana? What's up with her?" TOM: Yeah, what-up wit dat, foo'? >   "She became the Master of the Tirjils after her aunt, Mataji, left Yumana. >By law, the youngest relative of the Master would become Master themselves. >And that would have been me. But I was too young and Turtana was given the >honor of becoming Master. MIKE: Anyone who can figure out that system gets a RAM chip! [Silence.] MIKE: Me neither. > If she hadn't come out of hiding, I would >have become Master anyways. But she did and I was forbidden to become Master >until I was eighteen years of age. CROW: Eighteen years young! > While she was Master, I gathered >power for the Eye and then war broke out. She had me hunted down >as a fugitive, TOM: [announcer] The Fugitive. Starring Sashi, TurtleNinja, and Turtana as: the One-Armed-Turtle. CROW: You know, Venus Di Milo is the "No-Armed-Turtle." > for she knew that I was the cause for the war. But I wasn't the one >who had started the war. It was my father. MIKE: Like, the Master wanted to ground me, and I said "Nuh-uh" and then, like, I called my Dad, and he, like, mobilized the army and stuff. > He found out about my plans >and blackmailed me into letting him in on the takeover. Being a fool, I >let him. What choice did I have? If I didn't, he'd turn me in." >   "So? What does that have to do with Turtana?" MIKE: [Sashi] Nothing! I just like saying her name. Turtana Lalita; Turtana Lalita! Try it; it's fun! >   "When my father had gained complete control of the Eye, he turned me over to >Turtana. Fortunately, a friend of mine TOM: [falsetto] Whom I'm *not* going to name for you, because she dies at the end of this paragraph... > managed to help me escape during my trial. >But we were caught and immediately imprisoned. Soon after, the war came to Pernia. CROW: So the dragonia ridersia headed out of Bendenia weyria and fought the threadia. My McCaffrey trumps your Jordan, Tom. TOM: Ummm... Okay... >I heard from another cell mate that Turtana had fled and that my father had become >Master. Knowing that we would probably be executed, my friend and I managed to >escape. Sadly, my friend was caught by surprise MIKE: Surprise! [singing] Happy birthday to you... TOM: [Zapping noises] > before she could get into >the ship and was killed. I watched in horror as the disruptor beam caught >her and disintegrated her into a pile of smoldering ash. CROW: Yum! > Fortunately, >I had already started the thrusters and escaped before the guards could do >the same to me. When I crash-landed in the area you call the Himalayas, TOM: [snotty falsetto] *We* call it the Wimp Mountains, foolish Earthling... >I vowed to get revenge on my father for killing my friend." MIKE: Yet she lives with him, and always pays attention to what he says. CROW: Pretty much. TOM: Your point? >Leonardo looked at Sashi. Her head was down and she was crying softly. Leo >understood. > >   I know what that's like, Sashi, Leo thought. I have lost TurtleNinja to >Michaelangelo. CROW: He disintegrated *her* into a pile of smoldering ash. TOM: If only. > >   "It's okay, Sashi. I understand." Leo said, slipping his arms about her >shoulders. Sashi slumped forward, leaning against Leo's shoulder. >   "Don't worry, Sashi. First we will get revenge on your father, then on my >brother MIKE: [Leonardo] ...then on my agent for sticking me in "The Man in the Iron Mask..." > and his friends." Leo said. >   "How will we get to them? The snow out there is over a foot in some >places...much too deep for me and the tirjils." Sashi said. >   "I can get some skis and snowshows CROW: "Snowshows"? They're going to hold an Ice Capades? TOM: [announcer] It's "The Legend of the Red Eye, on Ice!" Starring... Brain Boytano! Nancy Kerrigan! And Michelle Kwan as TurtleNinja! > from the Weapons Shed in the morning. >They'll help us walk on the deep snow." MIKE: Or else they'll just make us look stupid and slow down our fighting. We'll see. >Silently, Sashi wondered if Turtana knew that there was no such book as the one she >had told TurtleNinja about. If she did, she would be able to figure out Sashi's lie >and arrive at the Tirjil Headquarters in time to stop her from getting revenge on >her father. TOM: And his friends, and co-workers... CROW: White-hot revenge for all! > She didn't have to worry about TurtleNinja much, now that Leonardo had >found out that she had been with me. But Leo had not lost TN to me, MIKE: --the Hell? CROW: Seems to be a bug in the first-person narration. TOM: That'll be fixed in Narrator '99. > for she still >loved him and she could not deny it. TOM: Michaelangelo knows this because he can read her mind. > As Leo walked Sashi to her quarters, she >realized that Leo now had no one to turn to but her. That was fortunate for her... >she could use him to help her in her quest to regain control of the Eye. She >knew that she could not get it on her own and she knew just where to get help... MIKE: The Evil Agents of Vengeance Temp Agency. > >Chapter 4 >Sashi's Revenge TOM: [announcer] Sushi's Revenge. The final revolt of the poison pufferfish. Coming this fall to a theater near you. > >The next morning, Sashi awoke with the first light and went to find Leonardo. She >knew that he was one of the first ones up in the morning and that he would be in >his room, meditating or doing one of his daily katas. MIKE: Kata? That's real martial arts stuff! CROW: Yeah! What's it doing in this fan-fic? > When she looked in >his room, she found that he was not there. Instead, she found a note on his >nightstand telling her TOM: [Leonardo] ...Can't take it any longer. Seppuku is the only way out. You'll find my body at the foot of the stairs. > that he had gone to get the skis and snowshoes. Sashi >knew that he would return soon, knowing that he might be seen. Then, she >turned to leave. She had to pay a quick visit to her father. Just as she >was leaving, she bumped into Leonardo. BOTS: Ooof! CROW: [falsetto] Soo, is that a katana in your belt or are you just happy to see me? > He had returned with the skis >and snowshoes. >   "Sashi! I was just coming to find you! You ready? If you are, let's get >some tirjils and head out." he said. >   "Yeah. Set the skis and snowshoes MIKE: Let's get the rest of those out now. BOTS: Skis and snowshoes; skis and snowshoes; skis and snowshoes; skis and snowshoes; skis and snowshoes; skis and snowshoes. MIKE: Done? CROW: One more. MIKE: Okay. CROW: [quickly] Sashi set the skis and snowshoes softly in the snowsled shed. MIKE: Nice! > in your room and we'll pay a quick visit to >my father." >After gathering a group of tirjils, Donnie, Raph, and Splinter, Leonardo >and Sashi headed towards the Training Room. To their surprise, Sashi's >father was not there. A videotape offered a clue. TOM: [falsetto] Let's see...he was watching "Tommy Boy." What could *that* mean? CROW: The Red Eye's driven him insane! >   "I have gone back to Yumana. Hopefully the Eye will prosper better on our >homeworld." >Sashi's eyes narrowed unpleasantly, TOM: As opposed to a friendly-kinda narrowing. > glowing red. CROW: I gotta learn that trick! > Her father was always >one step ahead of them and this time she had no way of reaching him. >   "The coward. He's gone back to Yumana. He knew that I was after him and >fled in one of the shuttles." Sashi said. TOM: He found it in a box marked "Hamdingers." MIKE: Don't I wish. >   "Don't worry, we'll get him...somehow." Leo said. Sashi turned back to >him with an angry look and, for some reason, neither of them noticed that >Splinter had slipped away out the door and away from the bickering twosome. >If Leo and Sashi couldn't work together to destroy us, he could. CROW: He could work together by himself and destroy us? MIKE: Who's "us"? TOM: Yeah, you'd think if Michaelangelo was watching this stuff, he would at least try and *do* something about it. >He would find some way of getting a starship and getting us all to Yumana. >But the tirjils wouldn't let him get the chance. >   "Where do you think you're going?" the captain asked. MIKE: [Splinter(?)] The can. >   "To get help." >   "No, you're not. Not without Sashi's specific permission." CROW: What about her vague permission? >   "Very well. Tell Sashi that I wish to talk to her in my quarters as soon >as possible and that she is to bring Leonardo with her." TOM: [Splinter] And some donuts. The pudding-filled kind. *Not* the cream-filled kind; those are too sweet. >He knew that Sashi would not allow him to leave, just in case he did manage >to use his psychic abilities to MIKE: --guess the winning Powerball numbers. > escape the Eye. > >*   *   * > >Meanwhile, we, too, were searching for a way to get to Yumana. Mataji's ship was >out of plutonium and we had no way of getting any more. TOM: Okay! Pop quiz! The plutonium thing is ripped off of... CROW: Oh, I know! The Neutrinos' hot rods in the first season of the cartoon! TOM: Very good! > Even if we did, how >would we get it to work? I presented my question to TurtleNinja and Turtana. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] As you can see, it's a well-thought out question, and I even brought flow charts and a detailed diagram. >   "How are we going to get this thing going anyways? We don't have any >plutonium and even if we did, we don't know how to run it." I said. CROW: [Raphael] Swell! Why don't we just stop off at the nearest plutonium station? MIKE: Well, the Libyans have some. Maybe you could trade it to them for a bomb filled with parts from a pinball machine. >   "You're right. I'm gonna go to Ninja Garden and think things through there. TOM: [falsetto] So I can get attacked by a big scary group of ninjas when there's no one around to hear me scream. >Perhaps I can come up with an idea if I'm alone." TN said. >   "And while you're gone, what do we do if the Eye attacks? How do we >contact you?" Shredder asked cynically. MIKE: [Shredder] 'Cause you know we can't handle a *spider* without you. >   "You won't. I'll know if there's trouble. And if I get into trouble, >I'll call you on my Turtle Com." TOM: Ladies and gentlemen, we're back in the cartoon. MIKE: Whew! What a ride! >She left, not knowing that Leonardo, Sashi, Donatello, Raphael, CROW: The Neutrinos, MIKE: The Rock Soldiers, TOM: Baxter Stockman, CROW: The Punk Frogs, MIKE: Gorganzola, TOM: Gamera, CROW: Torgo, MIKE: Pee-Wee Herman, > and Splinter >were watching and were going to follow her. I saw Sashi leap from the roof >as TurtleNinja reached the end of the driveway. >   "Guys, the tirjils are following TN!" >   "Come inside. If we give them the impression that we didn't see them, >we'll be able to help TN." Turtana said. TOM: [falsetto] Or, we can just hide like wusses and watch her get beat! MIKE: [Michaelangelo] I like that plan! >When the tirjils were at the end of the driveway, we left through the patio >of the Sleeping Quarters and took pursuit. CROW: Whew! They sure know how to play the waiting game! MIKE: Gave 'em a whole three minutes of suspense! > When TurtleNinja reached the >ropebridge, Sashi gave the order to attack. TN whirled around in surprise >as Leonardo attacked her. TOM: Oh, she must have not heard that big loud scream of "Attack!!" > I knew what they were going to do. They were >going to beat her as they had done to me. I rushed headlong through the >fighting tirjils to help TurtleNinja. I arrived too late. Leonardo brought >up one of his Katanas and brought it down. MIKE: It was kinda interesting, so he did it again. TOM: [Leonardo; stupid] Up. Down. Up. Down. > It struck deep into >TN's arm, tearing a huge chunk of skin loose. MIKE: The arm! Why is it always the arm? > TurtleNinja cried out in >pain, but she did not release Leonardo, who was struggling desperately to >free himself from TN's strong grip. CROW: Oh, to top it all off, she's got a grip like the Incredible Hulk. > TurtleNinja shoved his arm >upward and he brought the other up with it. With an amazingly quick move, >he pinned her arm to her side ALL: Arm! > and brought his Katana down across it. It, >too, cut deep. I took a quick glance at the wound and wished I hadn't. >It had been cut clear to the bone, which I could see. My stomach turned. CROW: --into a spleen. >Hearing TN's second cry of pain brought more force to my strides. I >grabbed Leo from behind and twisted his arm behind his shell. ALL: Arm! TOM: It's the "Red Arm Pentology"! > He >reflexively brought the other arm around, just missing my head with his >Katana. I grabbed the other hand and pinned them together in front of my >brother. I brought my foot up and kicked them, CROW: His arms? MIKE: What else? > causing him to drop his >Katanas. TurtleNinja leapt on his back, trying to pull his arm over his >head and break it. CROW: [snicker] TOM: This is getting just plain ridiculous. > I stepped back against the rope to avoid the >struggling pair. Leo reached back and grabbed TN's wrists MIKE: That would be the lower part of her arm. > and flung her >against me, causing us both to fall headlong into the icy waters of >Turtle River. TOM: Turtle River. New. From the Creator of 'Dawson's Creek.' >Chapter 5 >Deja Vu CROW: Hey, Mike, what is deja vu? MIKE: The feeling people get whenever they see you ask that question. CROW: Oh. > >As TurtleNinja and I were tossed about in the icy waters, I could hear >Sashi and Leonardo's laughter. TOM: [Butt-head/Leonardo] Huh, huh-huh-huh... Huh-huh... CROW: [Beavis/Sashi] Heh-heh heh-heh-heh-heh heh-heh-heh. > Ignoring them, I frantically searched >for TN. She wasn't anywhere to be found. Then I saw her. She was headed >for a large rock outcropping. >   "Mikey! Help!" >I swam towards her, but I was too late. The waters carried her into the rocks. >Her eyes went wide with pain, then closed peacefully. MIKE: [TurtleNinja] Oof, I'm dead. > I managed to >get to her before she went under and pulled her to shore. I looked back at >the ropebridge, which was now out of sight. As far as I could see, the >tirjils had not followed us. I picked up a now unconscious TurtleNinja CROW: Oh! Maybe now that she's passed out, he can hold a vigil next to her bed, not eating or sleeping until she awakes! >and followed the river back to the ropebridge and then back home. Soon, >the ropebridge was in sight. The tirjils were gone, which was fortunate, >since I would have been outnumbered. As quickly as I could, I ran to Turtle >Farm. TOM: *Two-hundred miles!* MIKE: Turtle Farm remembers! > There, we would be somewhat safe. I didn't dare head for the >Room, for it would be too cold for us, now that we were wet. Instead, I >headed for the Sleeping Quarters. MIKE: So, the heroes have this giant base of operations, and the bad guys have one floor of an old storage shed. CROW: We should be drawing a map. > I ran to my room and laid TN on >a blanket on the floor. Her arms were both cut and bleeding badly. TOM: But the rest of her was absolutely fine. >With hardly a pause, I ran to the bathroom CROW: [running-water-noises] MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Ahhhhhh... I needed that. > and got some bandages and >antiseptic. TurtleNinja was just starting to come around as I finished >bandaging her up. She blinked and looked up at me, confused. CROW: [falsetto, muffled] Hy'd oo but dis bandag ofer my mouf? >   "Mikey? Where am I? What happened?" she asked. >   "Shh. I brought you to the Sleeping Quarters. After we were thrown into >the river, you hit your head on a rock. Luckily, the tirjils weren't at >the ropebridge when I got there." >   "The Sleeping Quarters? Why not the Room?" MIKE: *What* is the *difference*? >   "It's too cold. We're all wet." >She winced and quickly drew a breath. Apparently, she had hit her head >harder than I had thought. CROW: Oh! This is the part where she wrote the "Mortal Kombat Crossover." >   "Here, let me see if I can find a towel and bathrobe for you." I said. MIKE: After all, it's not as if you're wearing a shell or anything. >I then turned around and snooped around in Leonardo and TurtleNinja's closet. TOM: [Michaelangelo] Let's see here...uh... French maid costume, cowboy outfit... Oh, what the hell is *that* thing? >I soon found a black towel with the letter T mongrammed on it and a matching >bathrobe. I knew those to be TN's. MIKE: Oh, black! I get it! CROW: Told you so. TOM: So there's a system in play in case the turtles each forget their own *color*? > Running back to my room, I found her shivering on the >floor. I tossed her the towel so she could dry herself off while I searched >my closet for my bathrobe. Suddenly, something wet hit my head. MIKE: Water balloon fight! >I pulled TurtleNinja's wet towel off my head and tossed her the black >bathrobe. She caught it and slipped it on as I resumed my search for my >bathrobe. I found it and slipped it on. An orange one TOM: Oh! I guess there *is* a color system! > with a gold M >monogrammed on it. CROW: They sometimes have trouble remembering letters, too. >   "TurtleNinja, do you want a cup of hot chocolate or tea?" I asked. MIKE: [falsetto] Coffee? Tea? Dynamite? >   "No. But we should get some sleep." she said. >Soon, we fell asleep on our cots. We were both so tired that we didn't >hear Turtana and Shredder TOM: --trapped in their ever-escalating lust. CROW: Oh, *thanks,* Servo. > enter the Sleeping Quarters. MIKE: [announcer] Shredder has entered the building! BOTS: Boooooooo!! > Normally, we would have heard >the heavy door slam shut, but tonight we didn't. I dreamed about Master >Splinter as my sleep-fogged brain drifted. I knew that Sashi and Leonardo >would be back, but when? Where? > >part 2 of Legend Of The Red Eye 3 > CROW: Yeah, that would probably be a good guess.