> > >Legend Of The Red Eye 3: Eternal War TOM: The Eternal War of Fighting that Goes On a Really Long Time. CROW: It only *seems* like an eternity. > >By: TurtleNinja > MIKE: In case you didn't remember. TOM: Mike, you used that one already. > >Chapter 6 >Escape To Yumana > >The next morning, ALL: Good morring! > I awoke on my cot, which was not far from TurtleNinja's. I >remembered the night before and then realized that someone else was in the Sleeping >Quarters. CROW: [Michaelangelo] And they ate all the damn porridge, too. > I got up and gently shook TN to awaken her so we could go down to the >kitchen. Slowly, she yawned and looked up at me, blinking the sleep out of her eyes. >   "Good morning." TurtleNinja said. >   "Yeah. I think we'd better go downstairs. We're no longer alone." I said softly. TOM: [Michaelangelo] The little grey men are watching us... MIKE: Not little *green* men? TOM: They *are* the little green men. MIKE: Oh, right. >We walked downstairs and into the kitchen to receive a shock. In the kitchen was >Turtana and Shredder, talking quietly over breakfast. CROW: What's the shock? MIKE: Ahhh! They're eating a low fiber breakfast! > TurtleNinja stopped in mid-yawn >and looked at the two of them with surprise. > >*   *   * > >Meanwhile, at Tirjil Headquarters, CROW: [radio announcer] Meanwhile, across town, Elliot Ness and his men are on the trail. > Sashi and Leonardo planned their escape to >Yumana. Sashi had seen Mataji's starship, but it was too small to hold the large >group she wanted to bring with her. That meant that she would have to release her >hold on the tirjils and Raphael, Donatello, and Splinter. TOM: [falsetto] Well, there goes the bridal party! >   "Why, Sashi? We'll need their help." Leonardo said. >   "No, we won't. I am the Red Eye. MIKE: [trippy] Whoa... I *am* the Red Eye... CROW: And she is the Lizard Queen! TOM: [trippy] Far out... > I control it, not my father." Sashi said. >   "So this means we can take this ship CROW: [Leonardo] --for a joyride? MIKE: I call shotgun! > I found to Yumana without Splinter, my >brothers, and the tirjils?" >   "Yes. I will release my hold on them and leave them in a hypnotic state, caught >between the Red Eye and themselves. CROW: Could've sworn she's used that phrase already... > You and I will have to go to Yumana >without them. We have no choice." >   "What if TN and the others find them? Will they be able to gain control >of them?" >   "No. Not unless TurtleNinja or Turtana knows how to undo the hypnosis." TOM: I'm *sure* TurtleNinja can figure out a way. >   "Good." >With that, they went to the Practice Room and gathered the tirjils, Splinter, CROW: The Village People, TOM: The ThunderCats, MIKE: Vanity and Hefty Smurf, CROW: Woody Allen, TOM: Woody Woodpecker, MIKE: Dr. Forrester, >and my brothers. They all knew that Sashi and Leonardo would be together >until Sashi no longer had use for him, which would be doubtful. Then, once >all the tirjils had gathered, Sashi released them from the Eye, leaving >them in a hypnotic state, caught between the Eye and themselves. CROW: Hey, *Tom,* what is deja vu? TOM: A detective-type thriller made for the original Nintendo Entertainment System and played in the tradition of Shadowgate. MIKE: Oh, like Ninja Gaiden? TOM: *No.* CROW: Rent a clue, Mike! >Once Sashi was though, Leonardo took her to the awaiting starship and they >took off for Yumana, MIKE: [Starship taking-off noises] CROW: [Starship breaking-down noises] > not knowing that we had seen them go. As quickly >as possible, we headed for the Practice Room, where we found the tirjils, >my brothers, and Splinter staring at us blankly. >   "Mikey, they're in a hypnotic state. They're caught between themselves and the >Eye. TOM: [acidly] We noticed. > Do you have my amulet with you? I'll need it to free them." TN said. >   "Yeah, here." I said, handing her the amulet. >TN swung her amulet in front of them. CROW: Sleep! *Sleep!* **SLEEEEEEEEEEPPPPP!** TOM: She's the Amazing Rando!! > She chanted in her home language, CROW: [falsetto] Leeloo Minai Lekarariba-Laminai-Tchai Ekbat De Sebat... >then in English MIKE: [falsetto] Miss Susie had a steamboat; the steamboat had a bell! > and then the others were released. >   "Where are we? What happened? Why aren't we on Turtle Cliff?" Splinter asked. TOM: [Splinter] Where are my donuts? >   "You don't remember anything? You don't remember beating up Mikey?" TN asked. >   "Beat up Michaelangelo? Why would we do that? MIKE: Uh...'cause he's an irrititating surfer-talking twerp? > The last thing I remember >is being up on Turtle Cliff and Leonardo's eyes were a fiery red. I could >feel their hatred burning into me, controlling me." CROW: Oh, happens a lot around here. You get used to it. >My brothers were the same way. The tirjils, however, couldn't figure out why they >weren't on Yumana. When they realized what had happened, they were all surprised. TOM: Their reaction? Dull surprise!! >   "How could we have done this to our families? It's against Yumanan creed to do >so. We'll all be disgraced if we return." CROW: [matter-of-factly] They'll have to live in the sewers, and the rats will be their only friends. Until, one day, someone drops a tiny bowl of humans. >   "It's okay. I'm from Yumana, too, and you won't be disgraced. I'm a part of >this, too." TurtleNinja said. >   "How can you be Yumanan?" one of the tirjils asked. MIKE: [falsetto] I know, I don't look it...I guess it's the nose... >   "I wasn't there when you guys left, but I was born on Yumana. I was brought here >to Earth as a baby and grew up here. My parents knew that the dominant species was >human, so they used a cloaking device on me which I unknowingly removed when I was >fifteen. TOM: Whoops! MIKE: [falsetto] You know, I've always wondered what this big, ugly, metal bracelet is... Maybe if I took it off... Eeeeeeeeek!! > I fled the city and retreated to a place which I now call Turtle Farm. TOM: [TN] You know the place, right? It's across the street from the Turtle Strip Mall. You know? The one with the Turtle Boston Chicken and the Turtle Hollywood Video? >But Sashi is the one who did this to you. She has taken my friend's brother, who is >also my boyfriend, with her back to Yumana. Sashi has plans to use him for her >own devious wants. CROW: Such as? MIKE: You don't wanna know. CROW: Actually, I probably do. > Unfortunately, we have no ship and Sashi has won." Turtle >said sadly. >   "No, she hasn't." a tirjil named Marana said. MIKE: For TN's next trick, she will add a randomly named female turtle! CROW: Again? > "This entire compound is a >starship. It is merely cloaked to look like a building. TOM: Name-That-Rip-off! MIKE: Rocky Horror Picture Show? TOM: Um, no... CROW: Mighty Ducks the cartoon series! TOM: Which, by the way, had the same writers as Ninja Turtles. CROW: And the same plot-lines. > I can help you >set the coordinates for Yumana and hopefully we can arrive before Sashi >can carry out her plans." >   "Thank you. That would be most appreciated." TN said. > >Chapter 7 >A Yumanan Secret TOM: [sotto voce] We Yumanans have secretly replaced TN's mystical anti-evil amulet with a plastic mock-up from Claire's Boutique. Let's see if she can tell the difference. >Once on Yumana, Sashi and Leonardo landed safely and ran towards City Hall, >where Sashi's father sat, enjoying the sun. His back was to them and he >didn't see them approach, nevermind hear them. On his ears were the >Yumanan equivelant of a set of headphones MIKE: What would be the difference? CROW: Yumanans' ears are inside their throats. > and he was playing them at >a rather subliminal volume, shutting out any disturbance. TOM: Subliminal, in other words, quiet, but still loud enough to shut out disturbances. >Sashi's eyes narrowed unpleasantly. CROW: For the second time this fan-fic. >   "Father! Have you forgotten who controls the Red Eye?" she snarled. >Immediately he whirled around, facing them with surprise. He yanked off the >helmetphones, as they were called on Yumana, MIKE: Oooo...clever name. TOM: And suddenly, the air is filled with the blasting sounds of Green Day... > and spoke. >   "Sashi! How did you get here? I thought you would stay on Earth and conquer it!" >he snapped angrily. CROW: [Arjuna] How dare you not conquer that planet, young lady?! Go to your room! >   "I found Mataji's ship, thanks to Leonardo here." she said, gesturing >towards Leo. >   "Leonardo! I should have known that you would betray me sooner or later! >Why you would leave your brothers and beloved Master behind for my daughter >is beyond me, TOM: [Leonardo] Well, sir...she's hot... > but I give you credit for seeing that I was not the one >who controlled the Eye." >   "I assume you realize why I have returned, Father. MIKE: [Arjuna] Yeah, I know, you left your CDs. I was only *borrowing* 'em... > I must rid myself of >you in order to become Master." Sashi said and began to release her father >from the Eye. Slowly, he allowed himself to fade away and was released. CROW: [Popping noise.] >There, in the Mayor's office, he remained in a hypnotic state, waiting fo >us to arrive and TurtleNinja to release him. But not even TurtleNinja would >be ready for a secret that had been so well-kept on Yumana. One that had >not been known since the day she was born. TOM: They all knew it before then, but they forgot. > >*   *   * > >While Sashi was putting her father under hypnosis, we were well on our way >to Yumana. The starship had no name, and badly needed one. CROW: The Destroyer! TOM: The Stellar Phoenix! CROW: The Dark Harbinger of Doom! MIKE: What about... um... Fred? [Bots groan.] > TN immediately >thought of a name for it, since it was going to be her ship. She called it >the TurtleNinja, honoring all of us. [All stare blankly for a moment.] [Then, uproarious laughter.] MIKE: [Between chuckles.] Right! Honoring *all* the turtles...'cause... Hee hee! it's *her* name, ya know... > TN was growing more anxious by the minute, since she was psychic and >knew that Leonardo and Sashi were already on Yumana. [Laughter continues.] > We were still light-years away. >Soon, the planet came into view. TN was so busy helping Marana that she didn't >feel Splinter's presense come up behind her. [Laughter starts to die down.] CROW: That was cool. >She gasped when he gently rested a furry hand on her shoulder. Startled, MIKE: [falsetto] Aaa! Tarantula! Kill it! >she turned around to face her master. >   "Splinter! What's up?" she asked, knowing that he wouldn't come to >talk to her when she was so busy unless it was an emergency. TOM: Yes, it's an emergency! Which is why she's so bubbly about it! MIKE: [vapid falsetto] Splinter! Like, what's up? >   "I'm totally sorry for what happened. The only other time I realized >that I was no longer on Turtle Cliff was when you found me in the pool >by Ninja Garden. I guess now that it was all a ruse put up by Sashi to >trick you. But what was the trap?" he asked, a confused look on his furry >face. CROW: Aww....he wooks so cute when he's bewildered... >   "I don't know. As far as I can see, there was no trap. Unless this, >too, is all part of Sashi's trap. MIKE: [vapid falsetto] Maybe everything's a trap! But stay cheery! > After all, she's got Leonardo. Who >knows what she's got in store for him. With complete control of him, who >knows what she'll be able to get him to do for her." CROW: He may be hand-washing her unmentionables right now!! > TurtleNinja said, >swallowing a nervous gulp. Splinter understood. He just wished that what TN >had told him about them beating me and trying to kill me TOM: ...and forgetting that I was supposed to be narrating... > wasn't true. But >he couldn't bring himself to deny it, either. He knew that it was Sashi's >control that caused him to do what he did, but he was still ashamed. Soon >enough, we were landing on Yumana. Most of the ones under the Eye's control >were released...for obvious reasons. MIKE: Which were...? CROW: Well, they're *evil,* Mike. You just don't want *evil* people just lying around. MIKE: So why didn't they release them in the first place? TOM: Temporary budget cutbacks. > Still, TN wasn't prepared for the >secret that had yet to come and slap her in the face when she was defenseless. MIKE: [falsetto] Ow! Darn pesky secrets! >With some help from a few of the elders of the community, most of whom had >known Mataji, we were able to get a good idea of what Pernia, the city, was >like. CROW: So is this somehow different from "The Planet of the Turtleoids," which, if I remember correctly, was a real place on the show? TOM: Well, the Planet of the Turtleoids had *men,* too. CROW: Oh, yeah. > After hiding out in the sewers, which was typical for us >Turtles back home, we prepared for our raid on Sashi's new headquarters. >Usually, it was TurtleNinja, Splinter, or Leonardo that came up with a plan, >but this time, it was Donatello. TOM: Yes, the resident *genius* hardly *ever* has a thought of his own. MIKE: He doesn't have to. TurtleNinja's around. >   "I think, if I see this map of the sewers right, we can follow this tunnel and >come up CROW: --right in the showers! That'll shock 'em all! > in the basement of City Hall and take Sashi and Leo by surprise." >he said. >   "Great! If you're correct, we might be able to capture Sashi, who I am >sure is the key to unraveling this situation with the Red Eye." TN said. TOM: [falsetto] And, if you're not correct, we'll just run hopelessly into a trap from which there is no escape! But just keep smiling; that's my motto! >   "Okay, okay. If we are to raid them tonight, we must be ready, don't you >think?" Shredder said impatiently. MIKE: You suppose that somewhere, deep down, is the supervillain we all know and love? TOM: We just aren't that lucky. > >*   *   * > >Later that night, we followed the map to the small alcove that would take us >up to the basement of City Hall, where Sashi and Leonardo were sure to be. >Marana, who was often the most helpful, CROW: 'Cause she's the one with a *name.* > led us to where the personal >quarters were. There, outside a wooden door, we heard voices. Sashi and >Leonardo's voices. >   "Sashi, they could never get here. They have no ship. Please, you were >the one who said that they could never get here. Please." TOM: Please baby *please* babybabybaby *PLEASE*! > Leonardo pleaded softly. >   "You're right. Perhaps it is another ship from one of the neighboring >planets." Sashi said. MIKE: Hey look! It's those nice neighbors of ours, the Borg! CROW: We will assimilate a cup of sugar. Resistance is futile. >   "Yeah. What are we doing, anyways?" >   "Just hanging out, I guess. TOM: [announcer] Witness the incredible suspense as the villains "Just hang out!" MIKE: [announcer] No one will be admitted during the gripping "Just hanging out" scene! > We have plenty of time to take over Yumana...now >that my father is out of the way." >   "He's still in the Mayor's office, isn't he?" >   "Yeah. I checked there personally this morning." >Slowly, TurtleNinja used her dagger to pick the lock and open the door a crack. [Bots make loud creaking noises.] >Sashi was sitting on the edge of the bed, dressed in a blue pajama outfit that Leo >was trying hard not to stare at. TOM: Oooo...hot stuff... CROW: And this is somehow *more* erotic than her being completely naked? > His Katanas were on the nightstand nearby. >He then sat down next to Sashi, a strange look in his eyes. TN wasted no time >in kicking the door in. MIKE: [Leonardo] Oh! Hi, TN, nice to see ya again! Wanna join us? >   "Leo! How dare you! Have you forgotten me already?" she cried. >   "You? Ha. Irony is sweet. CROW: I always thought that *revenge* was sweet. MIKE: Yeah, but so far they're only *talking* about that. > You were the one who betrayed me first by being with >Michaelangelo." Leonardo snarled in return. TOM: [Leonardo] And Raphael. And the Shredder. And...aw, Hell, I lost count. >Quietly, I took a fuming TurtleNinja by the shoulders and turned her towards the >door. She wasted no time in uttering one final vow. TOM: [singing, falsetto] Make of this vow one last vow... MIKE: Do you, TurtleNinja, take this turtle to be your lawfully wedded husband...? CROW: [TurtleNinja] You mean I only get *one* of them? >   "You'll pay for this, Sashi! I swear you will!" > >Chapter 8 >Final Revenge MIKE: Right, right. We believed your last "final" thing, and look where that got us. TOM: [announcer] It's about a hatred that always was, and a love that can never be. Final Revenge Seven. > >As quietly as we had come, we left. [Loud clunking and clamoring noises.] > Silently, we kept to the shadows of the >sewers and TN sobbed softly as we ran. When we were far enough away from >City Hall and the adjoining Tirjil Headquarters, we stopped. Gently, I >took TurtleNinja in my arms and held her close. CROW: Why not? It's her fantasy. >   "We were so close! And I botched it good!" she sobbed. >   "No, we are just as close as ever, TurtleNinja!" Splinter said. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Yeah, close to getting our *shells* kicked... TOM: [TurtleNinja] Did you say something, Mikey...? MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Uh... No. >   "Yeah, right. Now Sashi and Leonardo are onto us and know of our plans. We'll >never get a close shot like we did tonight." >   "No, my child. Didn't you hear Sashi? Didn't you hear her say that her >father is in the Mayor's office and that he's under hypnosis?" TOM: He's caught between the eye and himself! Aren't you paying attention? >   "You're right! Splinter, you're a genius! CROW: [Splinter; stupid] I am not! Uh...what's a genius? > All we've got to do is go back and >free him!" >   "Let me come with you. I know how to get there in record time." Marana said. TOM: We'll take the expressway, and then cut across Federal over to 5th, past the old park... >   "How are we to get him out of this?" Raphael asked. MIKE: [deep voice] How are we to get back to talking like actual people? >   "Simple. The same way we did you." CROW: [falsetto] Just konk him over the head! >We soon found Arjuna and TurtleNinja began to bring him out of Sashi's hypnotic >spell. He came around and his eyes widened at the sight of TN. TOM: [Arjuna] Whoa. Hot stuff, baby. >   "Marana? Is that you?" he asked. >   "No. Marana is waiting for us in the basement." she replied. >   "If you aren't Marana, then you must be her daughter." >   "What? Marana is my mother?" TN choked out. [Laughter.] CROW: Where did *that* come from? TOM: From out of left field...it's the "The villains are your parents" plotline! >   "Yes. Marana is my wife and you and Sashi are sisters. MIKE: [falsetto] Oh! That's...spiffy! > Years ago, >I met Marana and we married. CROW: [Arjuna] Allow me to provide some exposition now, for your enjoyment. > Before our first year of marriage was >through, we had a firstborn, Sashi. A year later, we had you. TOM: [Arjuna] Your real name is Turtle Kintobor. > Not long >after, a short war broke out on Yumana. Fortunately, it never reached Pernia. >That's when Marana decided to bring you to Earth cloaked in the form of a >human and find a family for you there. She used Mataji's cloaking device and >left you on the doorstep of a childless couple. MIKE: So we heard. CROW: Yeah, been there, done *this.* > The years passed and soon, >when Sashi was thirteen, the war of the Red Eye broke out in Pernia. >At the time, she was serving as a delinquent TOM: A juvenile delinquent? MIKE: What *about* juvenile delinquency? > for starting the war by >Turtana Lalita, TOM: --Banana-fanna-bo-besca the Third... > who is your cousin. I wasn't told of this at the time, >but Sashi and one of her friends tried to escape. By now, I was Master, for >Turtana had fled for Earth to follow Mataji. CROW: [falsetto singing] I will follow Mataji... Follow Mataji where ever she may go...! > If I had known that Sashi's >friend would have been killed, I would have made sure that the guards >carried stun lasers instead of disruptors. MIKE: [Arjuna] But, if "should'ves" and "buts" were beer and nuts we'd be having one hell of party, so enough hindsight already. > The guards told me of this >much later, when Sashi had escaped. I was later told that she had fled to >Earth. I had noticed that Marana was missing when I left, but I was so >troubled by Sashi that I didn't take time to look for her. TOM: [Arjuna] 'Cause...'cause I believe that *children* are the future, ya see. > I soon found out where >she was. I was on Earth when I ran into her in a wooded area near my camp when >I was out for a walk. When I saw her, I called out her name, MIKE: [singing] You just call out my name... > but when she >turned to me, she didn't seem to recognize me. [falsetto rapid-fire] CROW: Who are you? TOM: You're not my real dad! MIKE: I'm calling my mom! > And I remember nothing >until when you brought me back to reality." >   "So you're saying that I am your daughter and that Marana is my mother?" CROW: [Darth Vader/Arjuna] TurtleNinja... [breath] I am your father... >   "Yes. And now I realize why you control the good side of the Red Eye." >   "I control the good side?" >   "Yes. TOM: [Arjuna] Sheesh, keep up, would ya? > You are the youngest descendant of the Last Master of the Tirjils. >You are the one to wield the Amulet of the Red Mist and must claim your right >as Master." >   "I don't wish to be Master. CROW: [whiny] Whhhhaaaaaa!! I don't wanna!! MIKE: That's "wish-ta." CROW: Right. Sorry. [whiny again] Whhhaaaaaa!! I don't wishta!! > My friends over there, they need me. >Especially Splinter. TOM: [falsetto] 'Cause he's *old.* CROW: Plus, he's the only one she hasn't... MIKE: [coughs] CROW: ...played backgammon with. What? What did you think I was going to say? > And right now, Leonardo, whom Sashi has in her >clutches and is under her control." >   "But you've got to stay and take your place as Master! You're the only one who >can stop the Red Eye!" MIKE: [whiny] But, but...all-powerful-self-insertion-character... We need you!! >   "No, I can't. My amulet cannot bring anyone out of the Eye's power unless they >are stuck between themselves and the Eye. TOM: [falsetto] And that's pretty hard to... [drops falsetto] Oh, wait! They're all over the place! People caught between themselves and the Eye are coming out of the woodwork! > But like I said, my friends, >the Turtles, they need me. I belong on Earth, where I grew up. Splinter >and Leonardo are the ones who especially need me now." CROW: As was previously stated. >   "All right. Perhaps I can't make you stay here and become Master, but if you >take me to Marana, I think we'll be able to help you defeat Sashi and end her >control of the Red Eye." MIKE: Okay! Sounds like a plan! TOM: How long is it going to take to resolve this? I *do* have better things to do, you know. >   "Deal. We'll bring you to Marana and you can help us stop the Eye." >We hurried back to the basement, where Marana was waiting for us. Disappearing >into the sewers, we found that our hideout was empty. Only Splinter and my >brothers were left and they were tied to a wall, unconscious. Suddenly, >something struck me CROW: [Michaelangelo] Hey, I've got it! Maybe the Earth is *banana-shaped*! > and everything went dark. > >*   *   * > >When I came to, I found that TurtleNinja and Splinter were now standing over me, ALL: Hi! >waiting for me to awaken. MIKE: They'd been waiting for three days straight, without food or sleep. > The room was a mess. The two of them helped me >to stand and I found that we were missing someone. Arjuna, Splinter, my >brothers, Turtana, Shredder, TOM: Slash, CROW: Metalhead, MIKE: Carrot-Top, TOM: Buddy Hackket, CROW: Puff Daddy, MIKE: Up With People, TOM: Haley Mills *and* Haley Mills, CROW: Suzanne Sommers, MIKE: Broadway, Lexington, TOM: Nefer-tina, Ja-kal, > and TN were the only ones left. >Whoever had struck me had taken Marana. CROW: Oh, is that all? Well, I know she was the mother, but, she was new, so I'm sure she's *expendable...* >   "Guys, what happened?" I asked. >   "Sashi struck you when you returned and they took Marana with them." >Splinter said. >   "I have the strangest sense of deja vu." I said. TOM: Might that be because this is already the *second* time you've been knocked out in this fan-fic? MIKE: No, it's because that's the second time that the author has said that someone had taken Marana. >   "What?" CROW: Oh, come on, even *I* know what deja vu is. TOM: Thank God. >   "I remember when we first fought the Eye and this is how the Room >looked when TurtleNinja and I returned and seen that the tirjils had been there. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Plus, they wrote that note... TOM: [cheery] Hi! We're the tirjils! We hope you've enjoyed our sacking! If you would like to be plundered again, just call! >They wrecked the place and I know for sure that they had killed Mataji. That >was when Turtana here gave us a little scare." >   "I remember that. The tirjils were searching for the book Mataji had written on >the secrets of the Red Eye. CROW: "Everything You Ever Needed to Know about the Red Eye But Were Afraid to Ask." MIKE: If only they had an ISBN number. They could have just ordered it from amazonturtle.com. > I don't know if it said how the Eye was to be defeated, >but now that the tirjils destroyed it, I'm sure that it did. Now we'll never know >how to end the Eye's power." Turtana said. TOM: So who would win in a fight between the Red Eye and the Eye of Argon? MIKE: Well, the Red Eye has the power to be incredibly confusing, but, the Eye of Argon can turn into a big slug-monster. BOTS: Ohhhh. >   "Don't worry. I'm sure that Mataji left a copy of her book with the Guardian." >Arjuna said. CROW: Oh, plus the Eye of Argon is a red *emerald.* The Red Eye's just something that makes you act funny. TOM: Yes, I guess I would be going with Argon on this one. >   "Who's the Guardian?" TN, Splinter, my brothers, Shredder and I asked >simultaneously. MIKE: My guess would be the person that Mataji left her book with. >   "I'll explain later. Sashi knew that we had Marana and where we were hiding so >they attacked when we returned. She's got her and the other tirjils!" Arjuna cursed. TOM: He cursed? I must have missed it. MIKE: I think maybe "explain" is a Yumanan cuss-word. CROW: How could it be? It's all they do! >   "Chill out, will you? If I know Sashi, she'll have left a clue nearby that will >tell us where she's gone." TurtleNinja said softly. CROW: Apparantly, Sashi is also related to the Riddler. >We searched for awhile before we found a message on a computer. TOM: Error in Kernel.486. (A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail? > TN translated the >Yumanan script for us as she read it aloud. MIKE: [falsetto] It says, "Dear TurtleNinja, knew you would find this note, Ha, ha, I'm not telling you anything! Bite me. Love, Sashi." Hey!! > A heavy silence fell upon the room. >   "She's taken them to Mt. Meyana, which is on the other side of the known >universe." she said. CROW: [falsetto] So I guess we should be there by dark. >   "TurtleNinja, the note said something about a T-class planet. What does that >mean?" Donatello asked. MIKE: Apparently, it means it has mutant turtles on it... >   "It means that it can support life. ALL: Oh. TOM: Color me confused, but I thought that was an *M* class planet. CROW: For all our sakes, Tom, don't try to grope around for a Star Trek crossover. > It would have to be, since Earth life >supports and Yumanan life supports are almost the same. But unfortunately, Sashi >has taken Mataji's ship and I have no idea as to how we are to get plutonium for >the TurtleNinja. MIKE: Wouldn't it be confusing having a person and a ship with the same name? TOM: [Donatello] For crying out loud, don't feed plutonium *to* TurtleNinja; put it *in* *the* TurtleNinja!! > That means that we're stuck here on Yumana while Sashi's got >Leonardo and the others on Mt. Meyana." ALL: On the other side of the known universe. >To Be Continued... > > >Legend Of The Red Eye 4: Neverending Battle TOM: Grrrrr... That wouldn't have anything to do with "Eternal War," would it? CROW: She's going to run out of ways to plagarize herself. >Legend Of The Red Eye 4: Neverending Battle ALL: We noticed. > >By: TurtleNinja > > >Chapter 1 >Marana And Arjuna TOM: Oh, good, the established couple. Does that mean we get another make-out scene? > >   "What do you mean, we're stuck here while they've got Marana and the tirjils >on Mt. Meyana?" I cried. CROW: Ha hahahahaha! You're stuck here! >   "What I mean is, Sashi and Leonardo have taken Mataji's ship and fled to Mt. >Meyana. We need the plutonium for the TurtleNinja and I don't know where to get it." >TN said. TOM: Ludwig Plutonium? Try sci-dot-physics, sci-dot-chem, sci-dot-math... CROW: Or, if you value your sanity, *don't.* >   "Oh, great. Now what do we do? Sit here on our tails?" Raphael asked. MIKE: Well, Raphael just met his in-character-line quota. Anyone else left to say at least one intellegent thing? CROW: We haven't seen anything from Leonardo so far. MIKE: Guess we have *something* to look forward to. >   "No. I'm gonna see if I can make another fuel tank and ..." >   "We don't have to worry. We have enough plutonium to get us to Pluto, where we can >get more." Arjuna said. TOM: See, 'cause it's *Pluto*, and that means there's *plutonium* on it... Heh. >   "How do you know?" I asked. >   "I've run into this problem before." CROW: You mean this isn't the first time you've had to track the evil Red Eye all the way across the universe with no fuel and a crew as dumb as plaster? >   "Okay. We have no choice. We either go to Pluto, or we let Sashi conquer half >the universe in one day." >We immediately packed up, boarded the TurtleNinja [Everyone groans.] MIKE: They mean the ship! Honest! > and headed for Pluto. MIKE: So they're going to buy plutonium from the Slug People? >TurtleNinja told me that she sensed that we had very little time. Since >Sashi and Leonardo had a head start on us, we couldn't afford to let them get >to Mt. Meyana too far ahead of us. If they did, Sashi would have time to gain >control of the others with the Eye. Soon, we were in sight of Pluto TOM: [light dog barking] Bow! Bowbowbowbowbow! MIKE: [Mickey Mouse] Here, Pluto! TOM: [bark] Bow bowbow! >and TN made a gentle touchdown. Since Arjuna had the most experience with >space travel, he would do buisness with the Plutonians. CROW: So is Pluto a "T-class" planet? TOM: Yeah, or do they all die due to lack of heat and atmosphere? > Arjuna >needed someone to help him load up the plutonium and he chose Shredder. MIKE: 'Cause Shredder's a Nice Guy. >We watched them from a porthole, not knowing that Sashi had left a tirjil >to report on us. I could see that they were shivering, despite the heavy suits >that they wore. BOTS: Oh. TOM: Would've been nice for her to mention that earlier, when it would have made sense. > Suddenly, I heard a thump on the roof. MIKE: Ooops. Sorry. Damn space-bugs. >   "Hey, guys? Did you just hear something?" CROW: [falsetto] Did it sound like a dead corpse falling onto the roof? TOM: [Michaelangelo] Yeah... CROW: [falsetto] It's just the engine. >   "No, why?" TurtleNinja asked. >   "Nevermind." MIKE: Isn't that the mountain where the gnomes live? CROW: Hey! I thought you didn't *read* any of Servo's Dungeons and Dragons books! MIKE: Looks like you do, too! CROW: Uhh...whoops. TOM: Heh heh heh. >We watched as Arjuna lifted a hatch below us and as the two of them began to load >the plutonium. Suddenly, I heard that thump again. CROW: Man, those Plutonian birds really drop a load! > But this time, I looked up in >time to see a tirjil drop a huge chunk of ice. TN flung open the porthole in time to >hear Shredder's grunt of ALL: [quickly] No comment! > pain. MIKE: [Shredder] Ow! My skull! > The hatch slammed shut as Arjuna jumped back. A >second later, he burst through the airlock door. By this time, TurtleNinja was >already suited up and running past him through the airlock. TOM: [TurtleNinja/Mighty Mouse] Here I come to save the daaaaaaayyy! > A few moments later, >she was back inside, dragging Shredder behind her. A small trickle of blood was >running down his forehead CROW: Oh my God... MIKE: Somebody got hit in the head!!! > and we thought that he was dead. But, obviously, he was >not, for TurtleNinja dragged him to his quarters, pulled him over to the bed of >pillows, and got rid of the overly large snowsuit. MIKE: Oh, good, now Shredder's on TurtleNinja's bed in his long johns. TOM: If that. > Within seconds, he groaned and >started to come around. Blinking, he looked up at TN, confused. TOM: [Shredder] Oh, crap, I'm still in this fan-fic. Here I was thinking it was all a nightmare... >   "TurtleNinja?" >   "Yes, it's me. CROW: [falsetto] I stripped you naked so you would be comfortable! > Just relax, you're going to be okay. Lie back and allow me to MIKE: [falsetto] ...give you the thrill of a lifetime... CROW: Even *I* think that was uncalled for, Mike. >take care of that nasty cut." >   "Sashi." Splinter said softly. >   "What was that, Splinter?" TN asked. TOM: [Splinter] I said "sushi," dammit! I'm hungry! We've been out in space for days, and you know I can't eat that "pizza" crap, and I didn't even get my *donuts* yet! >   "Sashi. She knew that we would have to stop here and left a tirjil for a report. >I think I know what's going on." >   "Tell me then, for I have no idea." CROW: Yes, *please* provide some more exposition in leiu of having to compose some actual action. >   "Sashi left the tirjil to watch out for a report, right? Once the tirjil saw >us, they dropped the ice chunk, hoping to hit your father and leave us stranded. >But there was a mistake and the ice landed on Shredder." >   "I see. I have that feeling, too." MIKE: [falsetto] That...not-so-fresh feeling. >   "What feeling?" >   "Sashi's just been toying with us since the very beginning. The battle's not >ending, it's just beginning." ALL: [Groan] TOM: Sure takes her time in getting to the *point,* doesn't she? >   "What do you mean?" >   "Sashi was just toying with us the first few battles, just so she could see >what kind of 'tirjil warriors' we were. Remember how you're always telling us to CROW: --sit down, shut up, and mind our own business? We forgot. >not show our opponents our skills before attacking? Sashi knew that and got us to >show our skills. Once she found out, she fled for her homeworld, not knowing that we >were alert to her and were in pursuit. When she realized that she was not safe on >Yumana, she fled to Mt. Meyana." TOM: Then, left an easy-to-find *clue* so you would know exactly where she was... Is this making any sense to *anyone*? >With that, TurtleNinja left Shredder's quarters. I assumed that she was heading for >the bridge, where she would pilot the rest of the way to Mt. Meyana. MIKE: Oh, she also knows how to pilot a starship. TOM: Yeah? Yeah? Well...I bet she can't...can't... juggle three apples at once! CROW: Niether can you, Tom! Your arms don't work! TOM: Well, true, but she can't either! > We had no time >to lose. Sashi and Leonardo were already there, that was a definite. But if we >waited any longer, they would have ample time to launch phase one of their plans to >conquer half the universe. CROW: Just the north half. TOM: Hope it's not our half. > But not even TN was ready to face the fact as to why >Sashi wanted Leonardo by her side. MIKE: 'Cause there aren't enough men on her own planet? > I knew ever since we barged in on them on Yumana. >She wanted to annoy TurtleNinja with the fact that she had Leonardo under her >control to do anything she wanted. TOM: Anything. Absolutely anything. He would even do windows! > If TN found out why her sister wanted Leo by >her side, there would be no telling what she would do. MIKE: How about a bloody killing rampage; we haven't had any of those yet. > >Chapter 2 >TurtleNinja's Love > CROW: Mike, permission to wretch? MIKE: Permission granted. CROW: [pause] Maybe I'll save it for when I find out what that chapter title *means.* MIKE: Agreed. >Later, we came into view of Mt. Meyana. Since Sashi and Leonardo would be on the >surface, we decided stay afloat in space until we knew what we were to do. The >TurtleNinja was large enough for us to each have our personal quarters. TOM: I bet TurtleNinja's *ego* is large enough for everyone to have their own personal quarters... > But I >wanted to share my quarters with TN to make sure she would be okay. ALL: Riiiiight. > We were on the >far end of the corridor, and that was where Turtle confronted me with her question. >   "Mikey, CROW: [falsetto] How come I'm worried about Leonardo, but I like you better? MIKE: [falsetto] Why is Shredder a good guy in this fan-fic? TOM: [falsetto] How come people mostly get attacked only in the arms? CROW: [falsetto] Why do people keep getting knocked out, then have to wake up and give me a confused look? MIKE: [falsetto] Does this fan-fic ever *end,* or does it just keep going on, and on, and on...? > I'm worried. I still wonder why Sashi released the others and not >Leonardo. I wonder why she still wants him around. TOM: Face it, TN, she thinks he's a turtle stud-muffin. > I've tried every possible >answer, but none of them seem reasonable enough." she said. >   "Don't worry. I'm sure that it'll come to you. Probably sooner than you think, >too." CROW: [Michaelangelo, muttering] Boy, she ain't the brightest star in the galaxy, is she? MIKE: [falsetto] What? CROW: [Michaelangelo] Nothing... >Softly, TurtleNinja sighed as I slipped my arms around her and pulled her close. >She looked up at me, her face so close that our lips were practically touching. >Then, she leaned forward slightly until her lips met mine. TOM: It really does just go on and on like this, doesn't it? MIKE and CROW: Yup. > I pulled away and >traced TN's cheek with my fingertips. TOM: And now he's blind. I thought that happened from doing things other than kissing. >   "I'd better get going. I've got to make sure that the cook has tomorrow's >orders." >TN rose up from the bed of pillows and disappeared out the door. I was sure >that she was heading down the corridor to the TurtleNinja's kitchens. MIKE: [falsetto] I have this sudden craving for a pickle... >Suddenly, I remembered that the cook wasn't on board yet. Shredder was >acting as the ship's cook. [Laughter.] CROW: He's been demoted from "villain" to "Neelix" all in one fan-fic! > I ran to the kitchens to find her, but no >one was there. I looked at the freezer and saw that the snow beneath the >door had fresh footprints in it. Two-toed footprints. Footprints that >belonged to TurtleNinja. TOM: There *are* other Ninja Turtles on this ship, ya know! What, did he memorize her shoe size? What happens if he goes to kiss it, and it turns out *Donatello's* the one locked in the freezer? > I ran to the door and pulled on it. It didn't >budge an inch. It was locked. MIKE: Hey, maybe Shredder locked her in! BOTS: Whoo-hoo! TOM: [Shredder] Tonight I dine on Turtle-sicle. > Splinter wandered into the kitchen when I >pulled on the door a second time. Realizing that something was wrong, he went to >the side and pulled out a key. Once we got the door open, I ran to TN, who was >sprawled out on the floor, unconscious. MIKE: And you know what that means... ALL: Week-long vigil! > She felt too cold for a turtle, I >realized. CROW: Because they're...cold-blooded... Heh. > Thank goodness she was breathing. Running as fast as I could to >our quarters, I laid her on the bed and pulled the blankets up around her >shoulders. >   "Master Splinter, I want you to get her a cup of hot tea. TOM: [Splinter] Can I get myself a donut, too? > She'll need it >when she wakes up." I said. >He ran back to the kitchens without hesitation and returned in a few moments >with the mug of hot tea. Without any further reason to stay, he returned to >his quarters, MIKE: No reason for Splinter to worry about TN... CROW: Maybe he hates her as much as we do. > leaving me to tend to TN. Finally, after what seemed like an >eternity, CROW: --the fan-fic ended. MIKE: Nope. > she woke up. >   "Mikey? What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember is that >someone had struck me on the head." she said. ALL: Shredder! >   "Shh. It's okay now, TN. Here, drink this. It'll warm you up. TOM: [Michaelangelo] It's got bourbon in it. >The door locked on you and Splinter and I got you out." I said. >TurtleNinja gratefully accepted the mug of hot tea and drank it down. CROW: [gulping noises.] >She leaned back on the large, fluffy pillows and closed her eyes. >As suddenly as she had closed them, she opened them. >   "I'm really worried about what Sashi wants with Leonardo." she said. MIKE: You mean she *still* hasn't figured it out? TOM: Don't patronize her; she'll get it eventually. >   "Don't worry. Soon enough, you'll find out and stop her. Just relax." >I leaned closer to her and slipped my arms around her shoulders. Sighing softly, >TurtleNinja leaned back and rested her head on my chestplate. I couldn't help >but feel a strange sense of deja vu. CROW: As opposed to an *average* sense of deja vu? TOM: This whole fan-fic gives me deja vu. It's just the same things over and over again! >   "Mikey, sometimes I think that we'll have no one else to turn to exept each >other, you know what I mean?" MIKE: Star-bar coming up! We're due another break. BOTS: Yay! [Mike starts to pick up Servo.] >   "Yeah. I don't know if we'll ever get Leonardo back from Sashi." I said. >Our sleep that night was short, but adequate. At about midnight, TN and I would >land on Mt. Meyana ALL: [leaving] We know, we know...on the other side of the universe. > and break into the Tirjil Headquarters to spy on Leo and Sashi. > >*   *   * TOM: [off-camera already] And I still think three stars is way too generous. CROW: Leonard Maltin? Is that you? [Commercials.] [SoL bridge. Mike and Tom are at audience left. Mike is holding Tom's notebook, and Tom is attempting to explain the nuances of robot poetry.] TOM: You see, it doesn't *directly* translate into English. It's more like a translation into programming... That second line, for example... [Crow enters from the right. His eyes seem to be painted red.] CROW: Hi, guys! TOM: Hi, Crow. [continuing] The second line stands for the computer's "Input." In this case... CROW: I'm possessed by the Red Eye! MIKE: That's good, Crow. [to Tom] Oh, so what's the first line? TOM: That's just a line that tells the program it's beginning. MIKE: You have to tell a *poem* that it's beginning? TOM: Well, yes, in order to capture the entire language... CROW: It means I'm evil now! You have to pay attention! TOM: [continuing] ...you have to follow all of its rules. MIKE: I see. CROW: *HELLO?* Red-Eye-possessed-robot over here! MIKE: [turns to Crow] Okay, fine, I'll bite. What do you do now that you're possessed by the Red Eye? CROW: Well...uh... TOM: This better be good. CROW: I guess the same stuff I always do. Only, *now,* I do it evil. MIKE: Like what? CROW: Well, I riff the movies and fan-fics evil. TOM: You already do that. CROW: EvilER. And, I have to follow the tirjils no matter what, and I always do whatever Sashi tells me. MIKE: Sashi's not here. CROW: *Right,* I know that. But, if she *was,* I would do whatever she said. MIKE: Oh. [Sudden cut to Deep 13. Shao Kahn and Pearl are present.] SHAO KAHN: It's working! If I cannot defeat the robots by sapping their will, I shall posess their minds using the Red Eye. Mwa ha ha!! PEARL: So what? Big deal! You're not the Red Eye...they don't have to listen to you! SHAO KAHN: Do too! The Red Eye is Evil, and Evil is me. Therefore, by mathematical proof, I am *so* the Red Eye. Now the golden one will have to do as I command. PEARL: Yeah? Prove it! SHAO KAHN: Hmph. You got it, sister. [Cut to SoL. Mads' light begins flashing.] TOM: [to Crow] Soo...in the meantime...? CROW: I just act generally evil. TOM: What does-- MIKE: [cutting him off] Can it, you two; Elmyra and Mister Skullhead are calling. [Hits the Mads' button.] [Deep 13.] SHAO KAHN: [with much theatrics] Crow... Crow... You have been possessed by the Red Eye... Now you will obey only me... [SoL.] [Crow stares for a moment.] CROW: Bite me! You're not Sashi! I don't have to listen to you! [Deep 13.] PEARL: Toldya. SHAO KAHN: [to Crow] Why not? I'm evil, you're evil, the Eye is evil... [SoL.] CROW: Yeah, but I'm a different kind of evil. [Deep 13.] SHAO KAHN: Crap. Quick! Get me that snotty turtlewoman on the phone! [Exits to the left.] PEARL: [yells after him] Didn't I tell ya? [SoL.] MIKE: Hoo boy. TOM: What a looney, huh? First he tries to steal *my* soul, now this! [Deep 13.] PEARL: Well, just because my newest partner in crime is a few cheese-shreds short of a Gordita doesn't mean I can't make you finish out the Legend of the Red Eye. Eat fan-fic, do-gooders. [Hits the button.] [SoL. Fan-fic sign is flashing.] CROW: Actually, I'm evil now... MIKE: Who cares about that; we've got fan-fic sign! Aaaaaa!! BOTS: Aaaaaaa!! [chaos] [6...5...4...3...2...*] [Mike sets Tom down and sits. Crow sits.] MIKE: So you're going to riff evil now, Crow? CROW: Absolutely. I'm possessed by the Red Eye. TOM: Whoop-de-doo. CROW: You're just jealous. > >Later, early the next morning, TurtleNinja and I landed in a shuttle on Mt. >Meyana, just outside of the Tirjil Headquarters. We knew that we couldn't >go in through the sewers, so we went in through the air ducts. CROW: Typical *good-guy* maneuver. MIKE: What does an evil villain do, Crow? CROW: Oh, I would probably just bust in, both guns blazing. TOM: That is, if you carried guns. CROW: I *could.* > The space >was big enough for the two of us to crawl along side by side. After many >twists and turns, we came to a grating that was in Sashi and Leonardo's room. MIKE: Evil villains *always* make sure there are strategically placed air ducts in their bedrooms. TOM: Yep. It's in the handbook. CROW: Well, nobody's perfect. >It was open enough so that we could see what went on inside, but those >inside, couldn't see us. TOM: *That's* handy. > As we approached, I heard voices. Leonardo >and Sashi's voices. CROW: Oh, I would've figured it was Ricky and Lucy... Thanks for clearing that up. >   "Leonardo, I know that they're here." >   "They can't get here. We left them on Yumana without a ship." >   "They're here, I can sense it. TOM: Is it like a presence that you haven't felt since...? > Please, hold me in your arms and help me to >ignore it. Please, Leonardo, please." TOM: [whiny falsetto] Please? Please? With cotton candy and sugar sprinkles on top? >Silently, TN gasped and raised a three-fingered hand to her lips. Even in the >darkness, I could see the tears streaming down her cheeks. A soft moan from >Sashi brought my attention back to her and Leonardo. MIKE: No. No. TOM: Caution! Extreme *Wrongness* ahead! Procede slowly and follow orange signs! > I couldn't really >see them, now that Leo had shut off the lights, MIKE: Thank *God.* > but I didn't need to see >them. CROW: Huh? What do you figure they're doin' in there? MIKE: Backgammon, Crow. CROW: Oh...that's...*wrong!* > TurtleNinja looked out through the grating and whispered; TOM: [falsetto whisper] I think I crawled in some gum... >   "So, this is how you show your love for me, Leonardo." >I looked over at her and back through the grating. I looked over at her and >whispered; MIKE: [Michaelangelo, whispering] Yeah, it was mine. Sorry. >   "We'd better go, TN. We've seen enough." >TurtleNinja nodded and we left the way we came through the air ducts. TOM: Another mission highly successful. CROW: Good guys. Go fig. > We >boarded our shuttle and took off. Within five minutes, we were landing in the >shuttle bay of the TurtleNinja. Later, as we laid on our cots, watching the >stars go by our window, TurtleNinja said; TOM: [falsetto] I'm tired of not knowing how to denote speech within a paragraph! Teach me? >   "It hurts so much to finally find out why Sashi wanted Leo around when I >really wanted to find out." >   "Yeah. I should have known, but I was so blinded by my love for you that >I didn't see how much Leo was falling for Sashi." MIKE: Urk. TOM: [announcer] Leonardo loves Sashi. Michaelangelo loves TurtleNinja. TurtleNinja loves Leonardo *and* Michaelangelo... CROW: And Raphael, and Shredder... MIKE: It's Unconditional Love!... TOM: [announcer] How will it all turn out? Tune in next week to "The Shellbacked and the Restless." >I fell asleep with a frightening dream CROW: Attacked by man-eating socks? > and had no idea how close that dream >was to coming true. > MIKE: Well, if it's man eating socks, then Dexter might have had something to do with it. >Chapter 3 >Sashi And Her Escape To Pluto MIKE: Pluto again? CROW: We just left there! > >The air about me was cold. Everything was dark. The only thing I could see was >the white mists floating all about me. TOM: It was dark; the mist was white. You figure it out. > Suddenly, I heard a scream. CROW: IIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!! MIKE: [cleaning his ears out] Gee, thanks, Crow. CROW: Anytime. > Then I >found myself lying on the bed in the Room when I was first found by Mataji. I >I looked up and saw someone, but could not tell who. TOM: [Michaelangelo] Bugman? Is that you? > As my blurred vision cleared, I >realized that I was looking up at Master Splinter. The single lantern glowed >behind him, giving the only light. I looked around, seeing that there were five >cots nearby. [Mike is counting on his fingers.] > Leonardo was the closest one, with TurtleNinja next to him. CROW: On the *same cot*? MIKE: [finishing counting] Nope. Different cots. And Michaelangelo's on the last one. It works out. TOM: Oh, but where does *Shredder* get to sleep? MIKE: The kitchen. >Splinter looked down at me and spoke. >   "My son, you're awake. It's over. It's finally over. TurtleNinja's defeated the >Red Eye." TOM: [Splinter] You were unconcious, but I neither ate nor slept until you awoke. >His voice sounded tired...he probably never went to sleep since my rescue. TOM: D'oh! >Suddenly, the room began to shake. By now, the others were awake, their eyes wide >with fear. TN screamed and I now saw why. CROW: Pauly Shore? > The light in the lantern now had a >reddish tint to it. The tint grew brighter until it was all I could see. Red. >Red light all about. [Bots make siren sounds.] MIKE: [loudspeaker voice] We are on Red Alert! Red Alert! > The voice startled me at first, not knowing whose >voice it was. >   "Michaelangelo, come. Follow me. I shall take you far away." CROW: Yep! That's just what it's like to be possessed by the Red Eye! It happened to me during that commercial break. >TN! Her voice seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere. Then, I looked up into >the red light. TurtleNinja's face seemed to appear out of nowhere in the harsh, >red light. CROW: Ew! Not that part! That's too scary! >   "Michaelangelo!" >I looked into the red inferno and saw that there were two tirjils >holding her down. Sashi was in front of them, raising her Katana. MIKE: No, I think that this is the cool part, Crow. CROW: Yeah, that Sashi's a real babe-ariffic. Rwor. >Then, out of nowhere, Leonardo appeared. >   "Sashi." >At the sound of his voice, Sashi turned to him, ignoring TN. >   "Leonardo! I knew you'd come!" [Tom starts humming the "Romeo and Juliet" theme.] >At the sound of her words, Leonardo's eyes narrowed unpleasantly. MIKE: Hey! He learned that trick from Sashi! >   "No, Sashi. I have not come for you. I have come for TurtleNinja. She is >mine and belongs with me. You do not deserve to have me. You deserve the fate >of your sister." ALL: Huh? CROW: I don't get it, Mike. Does that mean there's a *third* one? >Sashi screamed and then...vanished. Then I heard another scream. It kept going >and never stopped. > >*   *    TOM: Two stars. Yes, I would consider that a *lot* more accurate. MIKE: One-and-a-half is closer. > >My eyes opened with a start. TurtleNinja sat up next to me in a flash and I >realized why the scream kept going and never stopped. I was the one >screaming. CROW: Well, if I dreamed about TN, I'd scream, too. > TN got out of her cot, walked over to me and sat down next to >me on my cot. She slipped her arms about my shoulders and I realized that I >was shaking uncontrollably. MIKE: [falsetto] Come on now, let TurtleNinja make it all better... > Splinter and the others burst into our room >and ran towards us. By now, I had stopped screaming, but I was still shaking >and bathed in a cold sweat. TOM: [commercial announcer] Yes, a Cold Sweat! For that shower-fresh feeling all day long, bathe *yourself* in Cold Sweat today! >   "Mikey, what's wrong? Are you okay?" she asked. CROW: [Michaelangelo] No...I think I wet myself... >   "No, I'm not okay. I had a bad dream. I don't really know what the dream means, >but I can guess that it symbolizes Sashi's defeat and your gaining control of the >Red Eye so you can destroy it." I said. MIKE: So what made that a *bad* dream? CROW: TurtleNinja was *in* it, Mike. She was *there.* [Shudders.] >   "We can destroy the Eye, I know that, but how?" CROW: Well, have you tried dousing it with curry? That sometimes destroys evil artifacts. Tom: Let me get out my DMG. I'll roll on the "how to destroy an artifact" table... >   "I don't know. Maybe that amulet your father spoke of...the Amulet of the Red >Mist. I think we'll find it on Yumana." MIKE: --At the convience store. They come in six-packs. >   "Yes, we can. There's a spiritual leader of the land of Delpha on Yumana that >might be able to help you." Arjuna said. TOM: Oh. You know, I used to have an internet connection through "Delpha." CROW: [sarcastic] Ooo, Usenet posts. Funnnn.... >   "Anything to help destroy the Eye. Right now, though, I want to see what more >Sashi has done to Leonardo." TOM: That's funny... I *don't.* > >*   *   * > >We snuck into City Hall by way of the air ducts CROW: Do giant turtles *fit* in air-ducts? MIKE: Yumanan air ducts are tailor-made for shellbacks. CROW: Oh. > and came to the room that Sashi >and Leonardo shared. They were there, but it appeared that they were preparing for >a long journey. They had on their beds what appeared to be suitcases MIKE: --at least, to the untrained eye. TOM: They're really bazookas. > and were >storing all their belongings inside. CROW: Oh, come on! What do you need *five* blue eye-masks for? > Then, without any further reason to stay, >they both left the room with the suitcases. We followed them to the shuttle bay, >where they boarded a spaceship and took off. TOM: We did absolutely nothing to try and stop them, but that's because we're morons! > As soon as they were out of sight, I >kicked the grating out and we leapt from the air ducts onto some very surprised >tirjils. The one I landed on was Marana. [fakey laughter] MIKE: Golly, how awkward. >   "Get off me, you fool!" she cried. >   "Who the...?" I asked, getting up off her, not knowing who I had landed on. >Her voice was surprising and very familiar. CROW: [Michaelangelo] Mom? Is that you? TOM: [falsetto mumblings] Mmmmrrrph! Mmrrrrr...!! CROW: [Michaelangelo] Mom? >   "Michaelangelo?" >   "Marana?" CROW: Mork? TOM: Mindy? MIKE: MMMMMMaaaarissa Amber Flores Picard? BOTS: Ew! >   "So this is where Sashi held all of the missing tirjils!" TN cried. TOM: [falsetto] Silly us! We checked her sock drawer! >   "Yes. She kept us waiting here until we were needed for their launch to Yumana." >   "Yumana!" we cried in unison. MIKE: Where else? Pluto? >   "Yes." >   "Oh, no! She's going back to Yumana to get the Amulet of the Red Mist and >destroy it. Then I'll be powerless to stop her." TurtleNinja said. CROW: So, what's the difference between *this* amulet and the amulet she *already* has? MIKE: This new one can beat Johnny Junior's in a fight. CROW: Wow! >   "She won't get it. The Guardian will have her answer some questions that only >the true Master would know. CROW: [Man from Scene 24] What...is your name? TOM: Master of the Trijils. CROW: What...is your quest? TOM: I seek the Amulet of the Red Mist. > That was a precaution taken so that the amulet would >not be stolen and destroyed by the Master's enemies. CROW: [contiuing the act] What...is the land-speed velocity of an unladen Ninja Turtle? TOM: Terran, or Yumanan? CROW: I don't know...Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! [Mike clamps his beak.] MIKE: Enough Holy Grail, guys, and watch the fan-fic. > The Guardian is immortal >until the Master has claimed the amulet. We must hurry!" Arjuna said. > CROW: I don't have to watch the fan-fic. I'm evil. MIKE: Then watch it because you enjoy watching Tom and me suffer. CROW: Okay. >Chapter 4 >Obtaining The Amulet > >We raced through the halls of the compound and returned to the TurtleNinja. >We darted aboard and headed towards Yumana with warp speed. [Generic warp-speed noises.] TOM: Oh, no! They've gone to *plaid!* CROW: Yep, I'm evil. Yes I am. >   "So what's the name of the Guardian?" TN asked. TOM: Guesses, anyone? CROW: I'm putting in a guess for "La-turtalla." MIKE: Yeah, or what about "Turt-tina"? CROW: Nah, too close to "Turtana." MIKE: Oh. >   "We don't know. I do know the name of his caretaker, who just happens to be >his granddaughter. Her name is Zenobia. TOM: Oooooohhhh, I'm sorry. Looks like all bets are off. MIKE: That's not the *Guardian;* it's his health-care worker! CROW: Yeah! It's like Daphne on Fraiser! TOM: Well, it's close enough. > She guards him and is his >caretaker until his death." Arjuna said. >   "Zenobia? What does she look like? Will she be able to leave with us?" >Donatello asked. MIKE: [Donatello] Is she hot? 'Cause I haven't had a love interest in this fan-fic yet... >   "Funny you should ask. I've never met her. In fact, nobody knows much >about her or her grandfather. TOM: My guess is that she's a little hot turtle that sticks around and bothers the rest of this fan-fic. > The Delphines CROW: [quick] Daphne. > are very secluded >and distrust outsiders. We'll find out when we get to Delpha. TOM: [quick] Delphi. >I've set the coordinates for the mountain where they live, which is just >outside Delpha's capital city." Arjuna said. Within moments, we were >landing on Yumana. MIKE: [theme park announcer] Please keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle until it has come to a complete stop. Exit to your right, and enjoy the rest of your day here at Yumanaland. > As quickly as we could, we >ran from the ship and up the mountain to the cave where Zenobia and her >grandfather awaited us. I lit a torch and handed it to TurtleNinja, who >led the way into the cave. TOM: Oh, did we mention that, in addition to having immense psychic powers, she's a living *compass*? MIKE: Chill, Tom, it's just fan-fic. >We walked through many corridors before we came to a large room that was >very long and half as wide. At the end of a long walkway was a reptilian >figure on what might have been a throne, CROW: He's sitting on the throne? Well, fine time to interrupt! MIKE: This is starting to give me weird "This Island Earth" flashbacks. > and above him was a small case which held >what was the amulet. TOM: --at one time. It was currently serving the Guardian as a damn good faxmodem. > The walkway itself was marble and clean, clear water >surrounded it on both sides. We could see the exotic-looking fish and >plants on the bottom. TN was the first to approach. CROW: [splashing noises] MIKE: [falsetto] Did they just wax these marble floors? TOM: [falsetto] Sorry about that rare Australian Angelfish... CROW: [Guardian] Just watch out for the piranha. MIKE and TOM: [assorted falsetto screams.] > But before she could >get to the throne, Zenobia walked up to her and questioned her in Yumanan. CROW: [Zenobia] Donde esta el bano, senorita? >TurtleNinja answered her TOM: [TurtleNinja] En la biblioteca! > and Zenobia stepped aside, casting a quick, >curious glance at us. I heard Donatello take in a breath when he saw her, [Everyone groans.] MIKE: This is starting to get ridiculous. CROW: *Starting?* >but she was too far away to hear him. It took us fifteen minutes of TN >and Zenobia's grandfather talking to one another in Yumanan [Mike starts to hum Jeopardy theme.] TOM: [falsetto] Par-le vooo fran-say? CROW: [falsetto] Hannn...mi buki...! TOM: [falsetto] Kupi ko po pow? CROW: [falsetto] Tl'ingnan kohl del jhatla! > before he >arose and took the Amulet of the Red Mist from its case. He then turned >back to TurtleNinja and slipped the amulet around her neck, speaking >a chant as he did so. TOM: [Gaurdian] Hummmminahuminahumina... E pluribus unim! > TN then arose from her kneeling position and >turned back towards us, MIKE: [TN] That was neat! Is it time for lunch now? > nodding towards Zenobia in a gesture of gratitude. >   "So, now what's the plan?" I asked. ALL: Pizza! >   "I don't know. I have no way of knowing how we're to defeat the Eye with the >amulet." TN said. CROW: I think you just point and shoot! >   "Perhaps I can help." a quiet voice said. >We all turned around to face Zenobia. It was obvious that she was the one who >had spoken. MIKE: --since she was the only one behind us? TOM: Since she was needed as a love interest for Donatello. >   "Go ahead. If you know something that could help, please tell us." TurtleNinja >said. >   "If you confront the Eye, you will only have to use it once and the person or >persons around you will be released. MIKE: [sarcastic] Well, that helps. TOM: Specify "use it." > This will only work if you haven't been >fighting the Eye too long." CROW: Well, then, they're screwed. It's the "Eternal War," remember? Looks like the Red Eye and I are in the clear! >   "I don't know if you have knowledge of Earth time, but we've been fighting the >Eye for about six months." Donatello said. TOM: We've been reading this fan-fic for about six *decades.* MIKE: [starts counting on his fingers again.] >   "If I remember right, you would have to be battling it for eighteen Earth >months for it to be too late. MIKE: [mumbling] ...then there was that vigil thing...then... [continued mumbling] > How many are possessed by the Eye as of right now? >Have you defeated most of them in these last six months?" >   "Most of them, yes. There's only a small handful left. Sashi, my sister, CROW: Shari Lewis and Lamp Chop, TOM: Uma Thurman, CROW: Drew Carrey, TOM: The cast of Days of Our Lives! CROW: The Spice Girls! MIKE: [still counting] TOM: Tom Hanks! CROW: Billy Crystal! >and Leonardo, my closest friend and brother to the other Earth turtles here, CROW: Wait...how many people was that? TOM: I lost count. >plus a few others." TN said. MIKE: [mumbling] ...then that *other* vigil thing... >   "Then it is not too late. If we can free the tirjils and Leonardo, then we >will have a very good chance of releasing your sister, too." Zenobia said. MIKE: [throws up his hands] Ohh...forget it. Six months, six years... who cares? TOM: That's the spirit, Mike! Rot with the rest of us! >She turned back to her grandfather and said something in Yumanan. She then turned >back to us and said; MIKE: [falsetto] Anybody up for some waffles? CROW: [whistle] >   "I will come with you. I have a feeling that you'll be needing my help." >Waving goodbye to Zenobia's grandfather, ALL: Bye, Zenobia's Grandfather! TOM: Thanks for stoppin'! > we walked out of the cave, down the >mountain, and back to the TurtleNinja. TN and I returned to our quarters and >went to bed. CROW: We can't stress enough that males and females always sleep in the *same room* on this ship. > >*   *   * > >That night, while TurtleNinja and I slept in preparation for our next battle >with the Eye, Donatello and Zenobia watched the stars go by the windows in the >quarters that they shared. CROW: Repeat. We *can't* *stress* *this* *enough.* >   "You know, Donatello, my people have a legend of the stars and why they're up in >the sky." Zenobia said. TOM: It involves penguins, several canisters of WD-40, and a lot of taffy. >   "Really? I'd like to hear it." Donnie replied. MIKE: [falsetto] My people say they're balls of gas burning millions of miles away. TOM: [Nathan Lane] Puumba, to you, everything's gas. >   "It's said that our ancestors went up into the afterlife in balls of fire and >that they are seen at night, watching over us and helping us make good decisions." TOM: [falsetto] Like which brand of toothpaste to use... >   "Cool. Being a devoted scientist, I tend to believe that ghosts are just >trauma-induced hallucinations. [Cheers erupt from the group.] CROW: Whooo-hoo! Donatello's in-character-line!! MIKE: We have quota, ladies and gentlemen; we *have* quota! > But personally, I believe that they could be >something more." >They shut off the lights, crawled into bed, TOM: For the sake of my sanity, I'm picturing *seperate* beds... CROW and MIKE: Yeah. > and went to sleep, knowing that we >would defeat the Red Eye and soon. > TOM: Well, it's about *time*! CROW: No! The Red Eye will triumph! >part 2 of Legend Of the Red Eye 4 MIKE: With three parts to go and counting... TOM: Says *you,* Mister "only five parts in the story."