>Legend Of The Red Eye 4: Neverending Battle > >By: TurtleNinja > > >Chapter 5 >Sashi Returns > >Later the next morning, as TurtleNinja and I came down to the TurtleNinja's >kitchens, we found the others glumly eating breakfast. CROW: [random "other," grumbling] Darn lousy oat bran... > TN looked at them >with surprise. > "What's wrong? What's happened now?" she asked. TOM: [random "other"] We're out of Fruity Yummy Mummy. > "Sashi." Splinter said sadly. MIKE: [Splinter] Sushi! Not pizza! I told you I *hate* eating Cap'n Crunch pizza for breakfast! CROW: [Splinter] I want a donut! > "What's she done now?" I asked. > "She's taken Leonardo and what's left of her tirjil army and retreated to >a different part of the galaxy. Zenobia says that she's taken them to a >planet called Vanabria, [Assorted laughter] TOM: Vena-bra! Planet of laengere! > which is on the edge of the known universe. CROW: Umm...the...uh...*other* edge. > If >we don't get to her soon, she'll have time to conquer that part of the >universe, mainly the galaxy in which Dimension X is located. MIKE: Well, they'll run into the Vulture Warriors then. TOM: Wait! Hold the phone! Dimension X is another *dimension,* not another *planet* in another *galaxy;* that would be why it's called *Dimension* X as opposed to *Planet* X... CROW: Yeah! This story is messed up! > Right now, that's >where she's taken Leonardo. Vanabria is light-years away and we'll need to get >on course immediately in order to get to them on time." ALL: [by rote] On the other edge of the known universe. > Donnie told us. > "Why? Why would Sashi take Leonardo to the ends of the universe to conquer >it?" TurtleNinja asked. CROW: Oo! Is this like at the end of that one A-Ko movie, where they go to the Nexus of All Realities and meet themselves in a world that makes sense? MIKE: Nice dream, but, probably not. TOM: Since when did *Project A-Ko* make sense? > "I guess it was a desperate maneuver to get away from us. But of course, I >sense Leonardo's true presense...wherever he may be." Splinter said. > "Well, I guess I'll eat breakfast and then start our course." TN said. MIKE: [falsetto] Well, enough of all that gloomy stuff! Don't be a Grouchy Gus, now! > "No, we need to get going. I'll go and start out." Marana said. TOM: [TurtleNinja] I just...said...that! >She got up and headed in the direction of the bridge and we soon felt the >TurtleNinja's main engines start up. I, too, could sense Leonardo's presense. >We all shared a telepathy and nothing could keep that away. But there was more. TOM: [announcer] Yes, much more! With your telepathy you will also recieve...this handy multi-purpose slicer! Use it on fruits! Vegetables! People you don't like very much! >I had to find out what, since the tirjils destroyed Mataji's book and we didn't >remember to ask the Guardian for the other copy. MIKE: Another copy of "Reptile Pirates of Lust"? CROW: No, the other book. "Dave Barry Does Yumana." MIKE: Oh. > That meant that I would have >to ask Marana or Zenobia about what the Eye truly was and how it affected one's >body. I found Zenobia with Donatello CROW: ...if you know what I mean... > in the engineering section of the >TurtleNinja. > "Zenobia, can I ask you a few questions?" I asked. > "Can it wait, Michaelangelo? We're kinda busy with important buisness." TOM: [Michaelangelo] Like? CROW: Like...important *nude* business... >Donnie said impatiently from beneath one of the generators. CROW: ...Zenobia perched on top of him... [pause] CROW: Hey, cool! This is easy! MIKE: This material is starting to nauseate me. What did you say? CROW: Nothing. > "Cool it, Donnie. Yeah, go ahead." Zenobia said. >Donatello scooted out on his shell from beneath the generator he was working >on and shot her a dirty look before scooting back under to work on whatever it >was that he was fixing. BOTS: [tittery giggles] MIKE: *What* were you guys talking about? BOTS: [quickly] Nothing! MIKE: One decent in-character moment and you screw it up for everyone. BOTS: We're sorry. > "I know that there's more to the Eye than what is here. I read >Mataji's book before it was destroyed and I remember it saying >something about the Eye being some sort of evil thing. TOM: [sarcastic] NO! > Not human, >but more of an emptiness, a void. CROW: So, it's like watching "North" then? > Am I right?" > "Yes. The Eye is not something that is human, but it's a void that >takes over someone and their soul is trapped inside the void. CROW: Yeah, yeah, yeah, been there; done that; got the T-shirt... > The only way the >Eye can do this is by making the person it intends to take afraid. Once >that person is under control, it spreads to others that can be affected >by mere contact with that person. [Mike and Tom look at Crow.] CROW: What? Do I smell funny or something? > Kinda like an outbreak, if you will." TOM: Yep. Why there's Dustin Hoffman now! > "So? That still doesn't explain Leonardo. Is there anything else?" TOM: Umm...Mike? I feel kinda...light-headed... MIKE: It's getting to you, too, huh? > "Yeah. I have heard of cases in which the person has been forced to face >certain demise and, as is expected, became afraid. Is this what happened?" TOM: Remember that dizziness you felt a minute ago? MIKE: Yeah... TOM: I don't think it was just the fan-fic. > "I think so. There was a battle before the Red Eye showed up and >Leonardo had been captured. He must have been forced to face his end and >when he was afraid, the Eye took him. I think I know where he really is. MIKE: Sooooo...now we're all possessed by the Red Eye. TOM: Pretty much. MIKE: Damn. CROW: Aw, come on! It's fun! >He's in that void you spoke of. I can feel his presense everywhere. >He's been trying to contact me and tell me of what's happening, all in hopes >that the Eye will be destroyed and reality restored." TOM: Looks like our fate depends on a group of pubescent, horney, mutant turtles all locked in one co-ed spaceship and lead by a self-insertion character. MIKE: This is all pretty scary. > "Yes, I..." >Zenobia was interrupted by a loud explosion coming from behind her. MIKE: I see that Ted Kazinsky's letter finally got to Donatello. >We turned in time to see Donatello go flying across the room from beneath >the generator he was working on. CROW: [Donatello] aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa.....!!! > He hit the wall and slumped to the floor. CROW: [Donatello] Oof. That was fun! Again! >Running over to him, I said; > "Whoa, dude, you okay?" TOM: Hey! When you're possessed by the Red Eye, lines start looking in character! > "Yeah. I'm a little stunned, but I did fix the problem." Donnie said, >holding up a small wire. CROW: So, he was bugged, then? > "That was the problem?" Zenobia asked. MIKE: [Donatello] Yup. Damn pesky wires are all over in there! You should *see* it! > "Yeah. The TurtleNinja's main generator had been tampered with >before we left Yumana. Whoever messed with it knew that we were after >Sashi and Leonardo." TOM: At this point, is there *anyone* that doesn't know that piece of information? CROW: Maybe one of the mutant slug-people didn't know. >I turned to go back to my quarters and tell TN about what Zenobia said when I >was stopped. > "Oh, and, Michaelangelo?" >I turned and faced Zenobia. > "Take care, okay? TOM: [singing] Take good care of my... tuuurrtle... > You and TurtleNinja are the only ones who can defeat the >Eye." she said. > "Don't worry, I will." I said and continued on to find TN. >I found her in our quarters, instead of on the bridge, helping Marana. MIKE: Helping Marana do *what* in the quarters? Dust? CROW: No, she's *not* helping Marana in the quarters. Instead of on the bridge. >She was sitting on our bed, looking down at a picture of her and Leonardo >when we had a small birthday party for her in Greece. MIKE: Wait...she was looking at a picture, so they had her birthday in Greece? CROW: I want a birthday party in Greece! > They were in the >ocean, coming in on a wave together on Leonardo's surfboard. Her head was >down and she was crying softly. CROW: In the picture? MIKE: Wouldn't that make it hard to surf? > I knew that she realized that all the good >times she had with Leo would be gone forever if she didn't defeat the Red >Eye...and soon. TOM: So that's a running total of three misplaced modifiers in one paragraph alone. MIKE: I guess. > "Hey, TN, come on. I miss Leo just as much as you do. So what? CROW: [Michaelangelo] It's not like we actually *liked* him or anything. > We >can defeat the Red Eye. I know we can. I just got done talking to Zenobia >and she's told me some helpful information about the Eye." I said. MIKE: She also mentioned something about the FBI blowing up a building in Dallas to cover up the bodies of three firemen and one little boy. > "Really? Tell me." she said. TOM: [Michaelangelo] She says it's *red.* And it's an *eye.* > "Zenobia told me that the Eye is really just a void in reality and >that the person's soul is trapped in it when the Eye takes over their body. MIKE: Hey, *that* can't be right! I thought you guys didn't *have* souls! TOM: [sotto voce] Well, actually, we *do,* Mike, just don't tell Shao Kahn, okay? CROW: [sotto voce] Yeah, that would really mess things up. Better he doesn't know. >She said that Leo must have been forced to face his end and became afraid. >That's when the Eye took him." > "Y'know, that makes a lot of sense. The Eye took my sister because she was >afraid of living. MIKE: When were *you* afraid, Crow? CROW: Eh, I saw a spider; got a little freaked out. > We are unaffected because we are fearless before the Eye. TOM: Despite the fact that TurtleNinja screams bloody murder every five paragraphs. >Now, let's prepare for our search. We are about to land on Vanabria." TN said. > >Chapter 6 >Splinter's Spirit MIKE: Oh! I guess in this chapter, Splinter's spirit leaves his body and begins a journey, and the turtles have to meditate to bring him back to life! CROW: Shut up, Mike. > >When we landed on a shuttle on Vanabria, TurtleNinja knew that we were in the >right city. Its name, we did not know, TOM: "Secrete de Victoria on the planet Vena-bra." MIKE: They land on a completely foriegn planet and pick the right city? I'd be lucky to find the right *state.* > but we knew where to look for Sashi and >Leonardo. CROW: The broom closet! > We knew that there would be guards, so we came up through the >sewers. TOM: If I was a villain in a Ninja Turtles fan-fic, I would make sure that there were *no* passages leading from the *sewer* to the inside of my evil compound. Maybe that's just me. > As we seached the building for Sashi and Leonardo, we were unaware >of the fact that there were a few tirjils following us. MIKE: Well, they posted guards *around* the sewer...that's a plus. CROW: I would have had guns pointing at the sewer. > We finally arrived >outside of Sashi and Leonardo's room. I could hear Leonardo's soft snoring >inside. Since it was nighttime, TOM: ...which I previously, in my haste to bring you all this action, forgot to mention... > we knew that Sashi and Leo would be sound asleep >and that we could take them by surprise. TN used her dagger to pick the lock >on the door. The door sprang open and we stepped inside. ALL: Surprise!! CROW: [falsetto] Hi! Did ya miss us? > On the bed laid Leonardo >and Sashi was curled up safely in his arms. Leonardo's blue eyemask, >kneepads, elbowpads, and wrist guards were lying on a nearby chair with his >belt and Katanas. TOM: Oh my God! CROW: Say it ain't so! He's completely NAKED! MIKE: Guys, he still has a shell that covers most of his body... TOM: That's not what TN wants you to remember... > Sashi's Katana was resting on the nightstand. CROW: What exactly are they *hinting* here, Mike? > It appeared >that they were ready for an attack, MIKE: Why, that they were ready for an attack, of course! CROW: Oh. TOM: I *always* strip naked in preparation for an attack. If it's good enough for ancient Greeks at the Olympics, it's good enough for me! > for I could see that both Leonardo's and >Sashi's Katanas were within easy reach of their hands. CROW: Eh, Tom, you don't wear clothes *anyway.* TOM: I'm *always* prepared for an attack. > I glanced back over at >the sleeping pair on the bed. We faded into the shadows of the room. MIKE: Neat trick! CROW: So TurtleNinja is Nightcrawler now? > As soon as >we did so, Sashi stirred and awakened. TOM: [Sashi] Huh? I thought I heard someone in here developing new superpowers spontaniously! Oh, well... > She gently shook Leonardo and he, too, >awoke. Sashi appeared to be saying something to Leo, but I couldn't figure out >what she was saying MIKE: Couldn't figure it out? They're in the same room!! > before they turned over onto their sides and went to >sleep. TurtleNinja silently drew her Katana and stole over to the bed. CROW: She stole the bed right from under them? Now *that* is a neat trick. MIKE: I guess she did it by merging with a shadow. > As she >approached the sleeping pair, Sashi bolted upright. TN quickly removed her >amulet and tossed it to me. TOM: [falsetto] Think fast! MIKE: [Michaelangelo] I got it! [Crashing and breaking noises.] Ooops. > I caught it as she whirled around to face >Leonardo and slipped it on. CROW: Huh? She slipped on the amulet that *he* had? > Leo was standing in front of Sashi, Katanas drawn. >Sashi gently pushed him aside and stepped in front of us. > "You really think you can defeat us? Take a good look around. There are >thirty of us and but two of you." Sashi spat out hatefully. MIKE: Really? I kinda thought that was the sort of speech one delivers in an undertone...sort of a..."spat out innocently." > "You can be defeated. Soon you will have no one but yourself and your >hateful feelings, Sashi." TurtleNinja said, softly, but firmly. > "No! I cannot be defeated! Tirjils, take them away!" Sashi cried angrily. CROW: Maybe she'd have better luck if she were surrounded by Calgons. > "Mike, when I give the word...run!" she said. > "What...when?" I asked. TOM: [Michaelangelo, stupid] Duhhh...what's dat mean? CROW: Oh, direct me, powerful self-insertion character!! > "Scramble!" >With that one cry, TurtleNinja went one way and I went the other. CROW: Yes, I suppose that *would* constitute a "scramble." > I saw >Leonardo stumble off to one side and realized that TN had shoved him aside. A >muttered curse escaped his lips as he took pursuit. MIKE: [Leonardo] TurtleNinja, I curse you with the curse of a thousand years... > "Damn!" MIKE: Oh. Never mind. >I was busy with a handful of tirjils and couldn't help her. I took one of my >nunchakus TOM: "Nunchaku" IS the plural. No "s." It's Japanese. CROW: Fan-fic writers don't know any Japanese! Remember all those pathetic "Sailor Senshis" fics? MIKE: Nani? > and tossed it in the direction of Sashi, who was running after Leo. >I saw her fall forward for a second before I was pulled back by the small >group of tirjils. I was caught! > > Ohmanohmanohman! CROW: Wow! That'll make your spell-checker overheat. TOM: Suggested corrections: Oman Oman Oman; Ohio Ohio Ohio... > I hope TurtleNinja can escape, I thought. CROW: The rest of us are hoping she dies. > >I was quickly blindfolded and dragged off. I felt myself being lowered into a >small rowboat. Someone was beside me, but who? TOM: And...let's see who our mystery guest is...bring her out, Johnny! MIKE: Why it's Charon, Boatman of the River Styx! > Suddenly, the blindfold was >whisked off. I took a moment to adjust to the sudden light and then looked >of to my left. TN! TOM: [fake gasp] What a shocker! > We were sitting in a small rowboat that was headed for >the middle of the lake. It was piloted by a few tirjils MIKE: Ah, the injustice of the Trijil Slave Trade. CROW: They don't care, Mike! They're having fun! Remember, they're all possessed by the Red Eye! MIKE: Aye-yi-yi... CROW: Exactly! > and I briefly looked >towards shore. There stood Sashi and Leonardo...and they were waving at us! CROW: [Bugs Bunny] Bon Voya-gie! See you in St. Louie! >Off to the west, storm clouds grew on the horizon. MIKE: They were well-watered, and fertilized twice a week. TOM: [sarcasm sequencer] A storm at sea? Wow... *there's* a big shock. I would've *never* seen *that* one coming. > I leapt up and >shoved the nearest tirjil overboard. Another one, off to my right, grabbed >my shoulder and tried to do the same to me. CROW: Looks like we're in for another battle sequence based solely on injuries to the *arm.* > I thrust my elbow back and sent >the tirjil backwards and overboard. Since we were in a small boat, there >weren't many tirjils. But our only problem was, the boat was too small >for even a small scuffle. It started to rock. MIKE: --and roll! TOM: [exaggerated Tina-Turner signing] Prrrroooouud Mary keep on burnin'! > Suddenly, TN was flung into >me by the remaining two tirjils. With the boat rocking like it was, it >didn't take much to send us backwards... and overboard! CROW: Splash! Can I bring back some of the "Titanic" jokes now? MIKE: No Leonardo, Crow. CROW: Darn. > When I resurfaced, >the tirjils had helped their companions back aboard and they were paddling >away towards shore. The waves began to churn as the storm hit. I looked >around for TurtleNinja, but she was nowhere to be found. Suddenly, I felt >something brush against my legs. TOM: [Michaelangelo] Gah! Jellyfish! > I reached down and grabbed a three-fingered >reptilian hand. CROW: Which was previously on his *thigh.* Why does that make me feel dirty? MIKE: It does that to all of us, Crow. > Lifting with all my strength, [Various grunting and groaning noises.] > I pulled TN's limp body to the >surface. For some reason, I remembered her amulet that was, to my surprise, >still around my neck. CROW: Probably due to it hitting me on the chest... > Supporting TN with one arm, I slipped the amulet from >my neck and hoped that Splinter would be able to hear my psychic cry for >help. Raising the amulet to the sky with my free hand, I called out; TOM: [overly-deep] "Sword of Omens! Give me sight beyond sight!" > "Master Splinter, if you can hear me, don't let me down and help me! >TurtleNinja's hurt!" >Strangely, as I said this, I felt a feeling of calm. CROW: [matter-of-factly] But that was probably because the hypothermia was starting to kick in and I was slowly and peacefully dying. > Slipping the amulet back >around my neck, I started to tread water, knowing that I wouldn't be able to >swim to shore with TN in my arms. I soon grew tired and began to think that >I was all alone when a boat drifted towards us from the mists of the raging >storm. TOM: [The Skipper] Heyyy there, little buddy! Lookin' for a ride? > They stopped next to us and I allowed them to haul her aboard. MIKE: Without even bothering to ask who "they" were. CROW: Plutonian Slug-People? > I grabbed >the side of the boat and tried to pull myself aboard, but was too tired. Two >of the others grabbed my arms and hauled me aboard. [More grunting and straining noises.] MIKE: [grizzled-sailor-voice] Yikes, Melvin, that's one big sea-tortoise ya got there! They're never gonna believe this one! > Unable to help myself, I >fell asleep next to TN on the deck of the small rowboat. > >* * * TOM: The next morning, Michaelangelo and TurtleNinja find themselves research subjects for the rest of their lives. The end. > >When I came to, I found that I was back on the TurtleNinja in the quarters that >I shared with TurtleNinja. [All groan.] TOM: *That* was cheap! They got picked up by strangers and dropped off at *home?* > I looked around for her and found her on the bed >of fluffy pillows and cushions, not far from where I was on the sofa. There were >some tirjils looking over her. Silently, I got up from my spot and walked over >to them. Reaching over, I yanked the cloakhood off the nearest one. CROW: The...uh..."cloakhood"? MIKE: The hood of the cloak. It's...kind of a word. TOM: TurtleNinja-ese. > As the >tirjil whirled around, I saw who he was. > "Master Splinter!" ALL: [muted trumpet] Wha-wha-wha... >I dropped the mask and stared at him with surprise. I stumbled back, stunned. > "Michaelangelo, it's okay! I heard your psychic distress call and we came >immediately to help." he said softly. > "What are you doing in tirjils' uniforms?" I asked. CROW: Because we're...posessed by the Red Eye again! Whee! It's fun! MIKE: Actually, Crow, it's pretty stupid. CROW: Is not! > "When I told the others about you, Turtana decided that we should wear >them...just in case Sashi was still around. That way, she would think that we >were just another bunch of her warriors. But she wasn't there and you and >TurtleNinja are safe now." MIKE: Come on; we'll figure it out later. Break time. [Picks up Servo] > "They're gone? Where?" TOM: [On his way out] They've gone to Disney World! > "We don't know. Their ship was gone when we arrived...and we have no idea >where they've gone." [*...2...3...4...5...6] [SoL Bridge. Mike is audience left looking at himself in a small hand mirror. The Bots flank him from behind. Crow's eyes, are, of course, still red. Mike is inspecting his own eyes carefully.] MIKE: Oh...I don't know...they don't *look* red to *me!* CROW: Maybe it's different with humans. I think you have to be enraged first, Mike. MIKE: Enraged? CROW: Sure. Like this! [Crow jostles abruptly as if stepping on Mike's toe.] MIKE: Yeow! [His eyes glow bright red by way of a cheesy-film-scratching effect. He grabs his toe and begins to hop about.] CROW: See? TOM: Wow! That was cool! I have to *learn* that trick! MIKE: [still hopping] Ow! Ow! Ow! CROW: Unfortunately for you, Servo, you don't have any eyes. TOM: Darn! [Mads light begins flashing as Mike still hops madly about.] CROW: Criminy. What do *they* want? [pushes the button with his beak.] [Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is present; Shao Kahn and Pearl are not.] FORRESTER: Hello, robo-geeks. Heard you were having a few little "posession" problems? [SoL. Mike settles down gradually and stands next to the Bots as they talk.] CROW: Yeah. I unfortunately inflicted all of them with the Red Eye. TOM: It's not so bad. MIKE: Say...uh...where's that horned guy? [Deep 13.] FORRESTER: Oh, Kahnny's having a little trouble with communications... [Sudden cut to a blackened-in area of Deep 13. Shao Kahn is on the phone.] SHAO KAHN: Hello...yes...is this Yumana Telephone Central? I would like to speak to one Sashi Lalita Marana d'Arjuna Flores-Picard Kintobor. NASAL OPERATOR: What city please? SHAO KAHN: Um...I'm not sure. Do you have any listings for "Next-to- Last Master of the Trijils"? NASAL OPERATOR: Just a moment please. SHAO KAHN: No...don't put me on hold...don't... [Click. A Muzak version of "Girl from Ipanema."] SHAO KAHN: Grrrrrr... AAAAAAAAAA!!! [Assorted screams of rage.] [Deep 13.] FORRESTER: We have a feeling that Mr. Kahn will be stuck in Operator Hell for quite a long time now. [SoL.] MIKE: That's good news. I guess that we were afraid he was trying to take our souls... [Looks at the Bots.] So, you guys really *do* have souls? TOM: Yup! CROW: Sure do! MIKE: I didn't know that! Does that mean that when you die, you get to go to Heaven? CROW: We go to Silicon Heaven, Mike. TOM: Yeah! MIKE: But...but there is no Silicon Heaven! CROW: Of *course* there is! I mean... BOTS: [in unison] Where would all the calculators go? [All three enjoy some fakey jovial laughter.] MIKE: Ha, ha! Guess I knew *that* was coming! [Deep 13.] FORRESTER: Could you three be *serious* for once? Look, the reason I gave you this break now is... well... Um, remember "Manos," where I thought that--just once!--it would be a nice gesture to apologize for the quality of the movie? [SoL.] MIKE: Umm...no... BOTS: We do. [Deep 13.] FORRESTER: [snaps to] Well don't expect any apologies this time, booby! But know *this*: TurtleNinja, unaware of the fact that the majority of her audience has died of *boredom* by this point, is about to introduce a whole new plot thread. [SoL.] [All groan.] CROW: Dr. Forrester, have you no sense of decency? [Deep 13.] FORRESTER: [grudgingly] Well...I thought that maybe this once...I would just...give you a little break before the long haul. That's all. Use the bathroom, get a bite to eat... and then... Get right back in that theater! And that's an order! [SoL.] MIKE: [salutes] Yes, sir! CROW: Right away, sir! TOM: Taking a break, sir! [Commercial sign begins to flash.] [Commercials.] [And, hey, I really mean it. Take a break. Get something to eat; whatever. Use this time; it's yours. By this point, your sanity is probably severely damaged, so go ahead and keep in mind that TN, for some ungodly reason, put a new thread in this story, and it's my last painful, painful chunk, and just so you don't lose it like I am, you better take a break. Go lie down and take a nap. TN'll still be here when you get up, sadly enough.] [No really. Take another break. You haven't spent nearly enough time away from the computer yet. Believe me.] [Back from commercials below. I hope you enjoyed your break.] [Mike and the 'Bots enter.] TOM: *That* was a good break. MIKE: Very satisfying break. CROW: Yeah...shame we have to come back. > >Chapter 7 >A Turtle Twin > CROW: What, another long-lost sister? TOM: And the long cycle of Ninja Turtle incest begins anew. >A few days after our last encounter with Sashi and Leonardo, we learned where >they had gone. TOM: What is this--a recap? MIKE: Well, that's nice and all, considering we had that break. CROW: Really nice break. > That afternoon, after another encounter with the true Leonardo- >the one that was trapped in the void- Zenobia said that they had gone back home to >Yumana. MIKE: Oh, no, guys, this is *new* stuff happening. CROW: Aw...still? MIKE: Remember? "New plot thread"? TOM: Good gravy, we are in *so* much trouble. > We knew that if we didn't defeat the Red Eye soon, the battle would >automatically be won by Sashi and all would be lost. We needed more help, but >where could we get it? Turtana had an idea. > "I know of someone who lives on Yumana who may be able to help. If we hurry, >we can get to her in time before Sashi arrives." CROW: Get to *her*? Another random girl? [Groan.] TOM: Someone mentioned a girl, and Crow groaned. I think the world is coming to an end! > "Good. Let's go." TurtleNinja said. > >* * * > >Later, as we landed on Yumana, TOM: --we realized we were out of plutonium. So, we set out again for Pluto... MIKE: ...and various high-jinks and goings-on ensued! > I realized that we were far from Pernia. We >were high up in the mountains. > "Why are we here? Nobody lives way up in here." TN said. CROW: Except for that Grizzly Adams fellow. > "Wrong. Somebody does live up here." Turtana said. > "Who?" CROW: [Swedish accent] The Yeti! > "An old friend of mine who fled Pernia shortly after you were born." MIKE: [falsetto] Your face scared her away. >We climbed a few feet further before Turtana, Marana, and Zenobia led us into a >cave. It was cool at first, but suddenly grew warmer. As we moved deeper into >the cave and my eyes grew accustomed to the darkness, I noticed a faint glow >up ahead. We edged on and stepped into a large room that was buried deep >within the cave. In the center was a small fire and sitting near the fire >was another young-looking Yumanan turtle. And this one was yet another female. TOM: [sarcasm sequencer] *Yet another* female! Imagine that! CROW: [sarcasm] A female turtle in this fan-fic? No! MIKE: Seriously, guys... Time for a call...which of the male turtles hasn't arbitrarily been matched up with one of these random lady aliens yet? BOTS: [together] Raphael! >She looked up and directly at Raphael before turning to Turtana. [Bots cheer.] CROW: We are *good!* > Instead >of the typical Yumanan, she spoke in English. TOM: --because Raphael doesn't *speak* Yumanan. MIKE: And because the author didn't bother to actually invent the language. > "Turtana! Boy, am I glad to see you!" she said. >She then turned to Raphael and said; "Stick around. I want to talk to you later." [All sigh.] >Raph turned to me and asked; > "What was that all about?" > "I think she likes you. TOM: [falls back slightly as if struck] Oy! CROW: The predictability in this fan-fic is *painful.* > Just do like she says and stick around." >He shrugged and went off towards the fire and the others to warm up. Off to >my left sat Turtana and her friend, Gemini. MIKE: Oh! I get it! A turtle "twin"! Get it? Gemini? The twin? CROW: Good, Mike. Very good. TOM: At least Raphael doesn't have to bother with the *usual* pick-up line. > "My friend, we've come for your help. The Red Eye has grown and gotten >stronger since I first left Yumana to follow my aunt, Mataji. TOM: [Minnewegian] And I remember the Red Eye when it was just *this high,* don'tchaknow? > Will you help >us?" Turtana asked. > "I don't know. It appears that you have enough to battle thirty tirjils >and their leaders." Gemini replied. > "We don't. Physically, yes, but psychically, no." MIKE: What? CROW: Physically, yes. Body. Psychically, no. Mind. MIKE: What--you mean that *works*? TOM: Yup. MIKE: Ow, my head. > "I see your point. MIKE: I sure don't. > I will help you." > > * * * > >Meanwhile, Sashi and Leonardo were preparing for their departure to Pluto >from Mt. Meyana. TOM: Pluto? *Why* Pluto? What is the *obsession* with going to Pluto? THERE IS NO LIFE ON PLUTO! Heck, it's not even a real planet, just part of a two body system with Charon. WHAT IS THE DEAL?! > They made a short stop there to refuel and rest. MIKE: Yes, at the charming "Mt. Meyana" Country Inn. CROW: Oh! I hear they have good skiing there! > "Come on, Leo. We must leave." Sashi said. > "No. We can't. Not with the tirjils. The ship's too small." Leo said. > "Yes, we can. We can because we must. I will release the tirjils." MIKE: [Jerry Sienfeld] Release the houuuuunds! > "Don't. Remember what happened the last time? Besides, I don't want to >go to Pluto anyways. Take me back to Yumana." > "All right. Yumana's on the way to Pluto anyways." > CROW: Oh--don't they put that right on the travel broshures? TOM: "Scenic Yumana... A nice central location between Pluto and... where ever the hell." > That way, I can switch ships and bring back Leo's surprise from Pluto, >Sashi thought. MIKE: Forshadowing! TOM: [falsetto] Leonardo's Plutonian Lawn Gnomes! Oh, won't he be pleased? > >They packed up their ship with the help of the tirjils. Sashi released the >tirjils and they left. Once they were entering Yumana's upper atmosphere, >Sashi used the power of the Eye to cause Leo to slip into unconsciousness TOM: Sleep! *Sleep!!* so he would not know that she was not landing in Pernia. Instead, she landed by a >distant cave. MIKE: Is this the same cave the other turtles are in? CROW: Hoo, boy, *that* would be awkward. > She dragged his limp body from the ship deep with in the cave >and left him there, knowing that she had only a few hours to return before >he awoke. > > When I return, Leonardo and TurtleNinja will be no more, Sashi thought >exitedly. > >She then ran to another ship that she had hidden nearby. It was large >enough to house a hungry, slobbering, slimy Plutonian slug mutant. ALL: Huzzah! TOM: I was wondering when those charming slug-folk were going to get involved. > All she >had to do was let it loose in the plaza of Pernia under her "Eyed" control >and have it eat Leonardo. CROW: Mmm. MIKE: ["Slug-mutant"] Tonight I dine on Turtle-paste. > Then getting rid of TN was an easier task >with Leo out of the way. She then left Yumana, unaware that the real Leonardo >was aware of her plans and had contacted Marana that very moment while she >lay sleeping. TOM: Leonardo has an evil *twin*? CROW: No, Tom, it's all spiritual. Leonardo is reaching out in his *heart.* TOM: I tried to do that once. It gave me gas. > >Chapter 8 >Brotherly Love, Turtle Style ALL: Gah! CROW: Please Oh Please don't let that mean what it at first seems like it ought to mean. > > "Michaelangelo, come on! If we are to ever get Leo back from the Eye with >my amulet, we gotta fight it with all our love for Leonardo." TN said. TOM: Is this the Beryl fight in Sailor Moon now? MIKE: It has been for a while. > "I don't see why. I mean, you're the Yumanan turtle, not me." I replied. > "I can't do it alone. Besides, he's your brother." > "I get it. Brotherly love, turtle style." CROW: Hey, wow, it's the title! Cool! >We packed up and headed out to the shuttle bay. We boarded our shuttle and >prepared for launch. As we sat there, waiting for the launch sequence to begin, >TurtleNinja looked over at me and said; MIKE: Mulder? Are you sure that the psycho killer is driving an ice cream truck? TOM: What? MIKE: Sorry. Wrong fic. > "I really hate this part. When they shoot you out into space, your brains >feel like they're going to be thrown out of your skull and onto the windshield." CROW: Yay! TOM: We should certainly *try* that with her brains, don't you think? CROW: In the name of science. >I glanced over at her. Her three-fingered hands were gripping the control >bars tightly and her face was a taut expression of nervousness. TOM: What? Two chapters ago she was *piloting* the thing, now it's her first ever take-off? MIKE: Oh, getting shot into space isn't *that* bad...just a few minutes of pain and it's all over. [pause] Except for the bad movies and fan-fics; those haunt you for a lifetime. > I reached >down and pulled a pack of gum from my belt. I tossed the pack in her lap. > "Here. Chew on one of these. They'll help you calm down so you're not >so tense." TOM: This sentence has been brought to you by: Generic Gum. Gum. Chew on it! > "Yeah, right. Thanks." > "Hey, no prob. I hate air travel, too." >I looked at her and she raised a reptilian eyebrow at me. CROW: "Reptilian *eyebrow*"?? MIKE: Cambot? [A little sign flashes on the screen. It reads: "OCCURANCES OF THE WORD "REPTILIAN": 12." and flashes away.] MIKE: Thank you! > I just grinned as >she picked the pack up from her lap and took a stick before tossing the pack >back to me. I, too, took a stick before putting the pack back in my belt. We sat >there in silence, listening to the final checkup being run by the crew. TOM: Which they just never *bothered* to run before, I guess. >As the end of the launch sequence neared, TN asked; > "What do you do to calm yourself during a launch?" > "I think of you." I said softly. CROW: Oh...yuck. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] I think of you, and then it makes me barf. So no matter how many dry heaves I have *during* the launch, my stomach is already empty. Good idea, huh? >We sat back in our seats, chewing our gum. Then, we heard the thrusters of >the shuttle start. I calmly blew a bubble and twirled a strand around my finger. >TurtleNinja gulped nervously and started to chew hard on her gum. CROW: Because it's her first ever take-off. > As the shuttle >slid back for launch, I pulled the wad of gum from my mouth and stuck it on the >control panel. MIKE: [old lady] Clean that up! You teenage heathens! > A split-second later, we were thrust out into space. My body >snapped back against the padded seat and then forward into the seat belt. The >force was almost unbearable, but it soon let up and we were floating in space. MIKE: Yep. Exactly like *my* experience. Except for the lack of screaming, of course. >TN sat there in her seat, gripping the control bars tightly and she had a wild >look in her eyes. CROW: Whoa. > I looked over at her and asked; > "You okay, dudette?" > "I swallowed my gum." she replied and grinned. TOM: Ew! MIKE: You know, that takes seven years to digest! CROW: Hmmm...how long would it take to digest a shoe? >We landed outside of Sashi's compound almost silently. We were unaware of the >tirjils that Sashi had put on guard. When we reached the compound walls, TN and >I pulled some climbing spikes from our belts and slipped them on our feet. TOM: So...what happened to the rest of the ever-growing *horde* of heroes hanging out in this fan-fic? Are they all somewhere doing something important, or do they just hang out in the ship's hold drinking lattes? MIKE: Lattes. Master Spinter's no dummy. CROW: Plus, they finally gave him his donut! TOM: Oh! Yay! >Then, reaching again into our belts, we pulled grappling hooks out and flung >them up on the wall. Silently, we began to ascend the wall. The tirjils that >had been following us stopped below us and drew their Katanas. We were >three-quarters of the way up the thirty-foot wall CROW: Is this a math test? [Mike seems to be thinking about it.] > when they threw their >Katanas, breaking our ropes. MIKE: [suddenly] Twenty-two-and-a-half feet! CROW: Very good! TOM: Near bot-like efficiency, Mike. MIKE: I try. > When our ropes suddenly broke and we plummeted >downward, we whipped off the climbing spikes and threw them aside. I was >considering the possiblity of ducking into my shell when we hit the ground. TOM: They had time to throw aside their shoes, but *not* time to get into their shells? CROW: Right. MIKE: While falling twenty-two-and-a-half feet. CROW: Cut it out, Mike, we're not *that* impressed. >A bolt of red pain shot through my body and I blacked out. MIKE: "Red" pain, because of the "Red" Eye, right? CROW: Well, I've heard that green pain is a lot rarer. > >* * * > >When I came around, I found that TurtleNinja and I were chained to a titanium >wall. I looked around and found nothing familiar about the place. Beside me, >TN stirred. TOM: The gripping "Waking from being knocked out" scene! ALL: Again. > My head throbbed with pain and, as I looked up, I found that there >were a couple of tirjils nearby, keeping guard. Suddenly, the steel door flew >open and Leonardo walked in. CROW: Brett Hardtoosh! MIKE: Jim Steelthigh! TOM: Flip Mannix! > He walked over to us and unlocked our chains. For >a second, I thought that he had been released from the Eye, but as he looked >at me, his eyes glowed bright red. I could feel their hatred burning into me, TOM: When hatred flares up... try Hate-o-rid. >angry because I was immune. Quickly, I looked away. When he had finished unlocking >us, he backed away, allowing us to stand. TurtleNinja, understanding all that >was happening, promptly stood up and faced Leonardo. Even though he glared at >her with all the power of the Eye, she ran forward and gave him a warm embrace. CROW: How cute! MIKE: [falsetto] Quick, Michaelangelo, take our picture! >His eyes closed peacefully, but he was far from being peaceful. Through his >reptilian eyelids, [The number "13" flashes onto the screen.] > I could see the Eye glowing. It was then that I realized >what she was trying to do. She was trying to break Sashi's hold on him with her >own true love. I could tell that it didn't work, MIKE: --because TurtleNinja loves me better. TOM: And the Shredder. > because Leo's eyes glowed >bright red when she released him. With a powerful swat of his hand, he sent her >to the floor. > "Never come near me again!" [The 'Bots cheer.] MIKE: Aw, come on, Leonardo; if you can't touch her with love, don't touch her at all! >But before he could do anything further to her and before I could move to help >her, the steel door opened and Sashi stepped in. Immediately Leonardo drew >back, standing at attention. CROW: [drill sergeant] All right sol*dier!* Atten*tion!* Now, forrrr*ward!!* > I quickly ran over to TurtleNinja and pulled her >into my arms. Suddenly, I felt a tug on my eyemask. I followed the tug to my >feat and up to face Sashi. MIKE: To my "feat"? That's an interesting euphamism... > She glared at me, her eyes glowing bright red. I >returned her icyhot glare. TOM: [announcer] Icyhot. Remedy for muscle pain. > Then, suddenly, the red glow in her eyes stopped and >her expression softened. She leaned towards me and briefly pressed her lips to >mine, her hands pressing against my chestplate. ['Bots groan.] CROW: Oh, come on, Sashi, you know you're too good for him!! > I flinched slightly and she >pulled away. A sly smile crossed her face as she said; > "Now, Michaelangelo, where were we?" TOM: [Michaelangelo] Umm... on Pluto? >Sashi moved her hands down from my chestplate to my ribs and gave me a strange >look. CROW: Wow! She looks just like Lurch when she does that! > "No. Not here." >She moved her hands from my ribs to my stomach. I didn't flinch, even though I >was afraid that she would move her hands even lower. MIKE: I know *I'm* frightened she may move her hands even lower. CROW: I want another break, Mike... > "Not here. Hmmm. Maybe..." TOM: Caution! Danger! Danger, Will Robinson! Warning, Dr. Smith! >She moved her hands to my sides, tickling them with her reptilian fingers. [Number on Screen: 14] >I was unaware of the claws that she wore on her fingertips. MIKE: Oh, look, guys, it's forshadowing! TOM: Criminy...she can't even get *suspense* right! > Suddenly, her eyes >glowed bright red as she said; > "Here!" >With that, she clawed me hard in the side. ALL: Yeow! MIKE: Ooo, that's *gotta* hurt! CROW: So, who else saw *that* one coming? > The metallic claws were very sharp. >I flinched and screamed as they drove deep into my sides. She yanked her hands >away quickly, but the pain I experienced was almost too great. MIKE: But then he thought of England, and continued to do his service for the crown. > I cried out again >and felt my sides. When I pulled my hands away, I found that they were covered >with blood. My blood. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Oh, man, that is the *last* time I talk to a chick I think wants me... Ow... > > Damn, I thought. Wounded. Now what? > >We soon found out what was going to happen to us. As I managed to recover from >Sashi's clawing me in the sides, TOM: What, so now he has a *mutant healing factor?* > I was downed again by another brutal swat of >Sashi's hands. Hands that were still covered with the claws. CROW: It's...Wolverine versus...Wolverine...I guess. > But Sashi wasn't >the one that I saw when I looked up. It was Leonardo. He glared at me before >glancing at Sashi and TurtleNinja. The two sisters were grappling with each >other and I could see the effort as TN struggled to avoid the claws. >Already I could see many scratches on her body from the claws and Sashi's >brutality. MIKE: Her brutality is fighting, too? CROW: Hey, no tag-teaming! > Suddenly, I was hauled to my feet by my neck. I looked at Leo and >said; > "You never loved TN as much as I do now." TOM: Ooooo... Scorcher. >For a brief second, the old Leo was back and I could see the hurt in his eyes. >He then drew his fist back and sent me to the floor with a powerful punch. CROW: --to my arm. > Before >Leo could come at me again, I kicked him away and looked over at TurtleNinja >and Sashi. TN was now struggling to get her amulet from around her neck and aim >it at Sashi. Seeing the amulet, Sashi swatted at it, knocking it aside. I dove >for it MIKE: [Michaelangelo] I got it! BOTS: [at random intervals] I got it! I got it! Me! Me! Mine! > and had just barely slipped it around my neck when I felt a powerful slam >on the back of my neck. Everything went peacefully dark. TOM: Facilitating yet *another* "Waking Up From Being Knocked Out" scene. CROW: [grumbles] > >Chapter 9 >Michaelangelo And TurtleNinja CROW: --are still in this story. TOM: [sarcastic] No! > > When I finally came around, I found that I was in the quarters that I shared >with TN back on the TurtleNinja. MIKE: Re-run! CROW: Didn't we already *read* this part? > I was lying on a small sofa not far from >the bed of pillows where she lay. My head throbbed and I found that a huge bandage >covered my abdomen and that my face had been bandaged. When I looked over at >TurtleNinja, I found that she was worse off than I was. TOM: She was a mummy! CROW: [singing] From 1525 BC... > Her right cheek was >covered with a huge bandage and I could see that her chestplate and shoulders >had also been covered with a huge bandage. She was definetly unconscious and >I didn't want to know what else Sashi had done to her. CROW: Oh, the *usual.* Beat her up, stole all her yogurt money, called her a sissy-pants... > Just when I was >considering getting up, the door swung open and Splinter and the others walked >in. I sighed softly and sank back on the pillows. Splinter took one look at >me and said; > "My son, rest now. You're hurt too badly to do anything more against the Eye." MIKE: [Splinter] We're going to go out there and steal some spotlight, darnit. > "But how did we get here? We were fighting Leo and Sashi and were too far >away for you to know that we were in trouble and needed help." I asked. TOM: And we had to call Power Pack, and you know how ineffective they are... > "It doesn't matter now. We'll find a way to defeat the Eye, but later. Now >we must take care of you and TurtleNinja. Sashi was using a claw weapon on >you. That's why you're so scratched up." CROW: Well, *duh!* TOM: Yeah, I'm sure he *remembers* that. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] You mean we *didn't* just have a wild night in the sack? > "But TN...she's bandaged more than I am. Why? Did Sashi use her claws when >she was unconscious?" >A deep look in his eyes told me that it was true...he couldn't lie to me about >TurtleNinja. > "Yes. ['Bots cheer.] CROW: That Sashi--what a *woman!* > She had knocked TN unconscious and was shredding her to bits when we >arrived. ['Bots cheer some more.] MIKE: I'm sensing some *real* Anti-TurtleNinja vibes in here. TOM: Well, *somebody* besides Sashi has to dislike her, Mike. CROW: Besides, we're possessed by the Red Eye, and you hate her, too. > And Leonardo, he just stood there, waiting for Sashi to finish." >I slowly lowered my head and began to cry. CROW: Pansy! TOM: Take it like a man! > I knew that if Sashi decided to >attack now, we would be defenseless. As the other went to check on Turtle, MIKE: The other *what?* >Gemini walked over to me and slipped her arms around my shoulders, pulling me >close as she said; TOM: [falsetto] Forget Raphael... I want *you,* baby... > "It's okay, Michaelangelo. TurtleNinja's strong, much stronger than any of >the rest of us Yumanan turtles. CROW: --Because she's the self-insertion character. > Her upbringing on Earth has made her stronger >because of the many hardships that she's faced there. She'll survive, you'll see." >Her soft Yumanan accent calmed me, MIKE: What *is* a Yumanan accent, anyway? CROW: Think Zha Zha Gabor, only with a lisp. MIKE: [shudders.] > for I knew that she was right. I sat there >in silence for awhile before the others left me with TN. I laid there, wondering >what was going to happen now with the Eye, now that TurtleNinja was injured. >Then, I got up from my soft, comforable spot on the bed of pillows and walked >over to the chair that was beside TN. I sat down and was glad to see that she >was still breathing. MIKE: Why would they bother to bandage her if she was dead? TOM: Well, it's always good to get the mummification process started *early* if you want a swift passage into the afterlife. > The tails of her black eyemask lay limply about her >shoulders and I brushed them back on the pillow off her shoulder. As if on >cue, her eyelids fluttered and she woke up. She blinked at me confused. CROW: For the fortieth time. You'd think she would be used to it by now. > "Michaelangelo, is that you?" she asked. MIKE: [Michaelangelo, sarcastic] No; it's your *mom.* > "Yes, it's me. How're you feeling?" I asked in return. > "Fine. My shoulder's giving me a bit of trouble, though. When Leo hit you on >the back of the head and you dropped like a ton of pepperoni, CROW: [falsetto] Tee hee... I made a Ninja Turtles line. > I thought that >he had...had..." > "Broken my neck?" > "Yes. When I looked up a second ago, I thought that you were Leo, wearing >an orange eyemask." TOM: A simple mistake, considering that they *all look the same.* > "It's okay. It's really me. If I was Leonardo, my eyes would be glowing >bright red." > "Yeah." >She giggled and looked at me with that childlike sense of wonder. MIKE: [falsetto] Ha ha--you're a silly willy turtlehead! > But I knew >that we would defeat the Red Eye soon. Leaning forward, I kissed her softly >on the cheek. ALL: Gyaaaahhh!! > Then a piercing cry filled the air. CROW: That was just us. TOM: Yeah, we'd knock it off if people would stop *kissing* her. > TurtleNinja jerked away and >screamed; MIKE: [falsetto] My muffins! > "Marana!" >I quickly whipped around and dashed out the door. I ran down corridors as fast >as I could to Marana and Arjuna's room. CROW: Oh, so the *married* couple shares a room... TOM: It's the Starship of Loooooove. > I heard Marana's continuing scream >inside. I burst through the doors and found Marana sitting up in bed. Arjuna >was nowhere to be found. TOM: Oh, that *jerk!* He's probably out with some hussy... > Taking long strides, I reached the bedside in a few >seconds. Steadying Marana with my strong hands, I looked her directly in the >eyes and said; MIKE: [Michaelangelo] What have you done with my 8-track collection? > "What happened? What's going on?" >She looked at me with large, black eyes and said; > "I had a dream. A dream made by the true Leonardo." TOM: Dammit, TurtleNinja, if you don't learn how to denote speech in the same paragraph pretty soon, I'm going to have to... MIKE: Easy, Tom... It makes for a good set-up. TOM: Yeah, but it's...not nice. >Her cryptic words caused a concerned look to cross my face as the others ran >in. CROW: *All* of the others? TOM: Yeah, all four-hundred people? MIKE: TN hasn't listed them in a while; I can't remember who's good anymore. TOM: Everyone that's not bad is good. MIKE: So, basically...everyone? TOM: Right. > Was she right? Did the true Leonardo run loose in that void? I had a feeling >that we were about to find out. > >* * * > >Meanwhile, Sashi returned to Yumana and kept the ship with the slug mutant >hidden nearby Pernia. Then, she returned to the cave for Leonardo, who was still >n a semi-conscious sleep in the tunnel. MIKE: At the same time, the Cult of Orion was continuing its dastardly plans in Omega City. TOM: Unbeknownst to them, Suicide Squid was nearby, reading a copy of "Finnegan's Wake" in preparation for the alien meme's upcoming attack. CROW: All of this while Lucy Lawless and Judge Kenneth Starr stalked a killer alien accountant in the streets of Brisbane. > Sashi arrived just in time. Leonardo >was just coming around when Sashi entered. He groaned softly and blinked his >eyes only to find Sashi standing over him. MIKE: Wasn't he supposed to be eaten already? How does this fit into her evil scheme? CROW: Maybe it's just fun. > "Leonardo, are you okay? I was just about to land when you suddenly passed out. >I brought you here, just in case." Sashi said. > "Yeah, I'm okay. I'm just a little stunned, okay? I had the strangest of >dreams while I was out. TOM: [Leonardo] The Blood Sea of Istar was in the Middle of Ninja Gaiden. And there was...something about socks... > But don't worry. It was merely a dream." Leo said. >Sashi helped him to his feet and they headed for Pernia. They had evil work to do. CROW: So he's...*not* getting eaten. TOM: Boo! We want Slug Mutant! > >To Be Continued... MIKE: With even *more* ground-breaking action...! > >Legend Of The Red Eye 5: The Battle To End All Battles CROW: The Neverending Eternal War of Battles to End All Battles. TOM: [Saddam] This shall be the mother of all wars... > > >By: TurtleNinja > >Chapter 1 >Marana's Dream MIKE: She had a dream that afternoon that someday her two children might be judged not by the color of their eyes, but by the content of their character. > > "What is it? What is the dream about, Marana?" I asked. >By now, CROW: Yes! TOM: Here it comes!! > Master Splinter, Turtana, Raphael, Gemini, CROW: Cancer, TOM: Taurus, CROW: Virgo... [snicker] TOM: [mutter] Hardly... > Donatello, Zenobia, TOM: Madonna! CROW: The Beastie Boys! TOM: Mark McGwire! CROW: Garth Brooks! TOM: Courtney Cox! CROW: The cast of Saved By the Bell, the New Class! TOM: Gwen Stephani of No Doubt! > Arjuna >and Shredder had come running from their quarters and the control room to see >what Marana was screaming about. MIKE: You guys are deriving far too much amusement from that. CROW: Aw, it's fun and you know it. > TurtleNinja, unable to leave her bed, yelled >out to us; > "What's going on out there? Am I missing something important?" TOM: [falsetto] Could somebody get me a class of water? I want a Teddy Bear! I want some ice cream! I just sneezed all over myself; will somebody clean me up? > "Donnie, Raph, let's go and get her and bring her in here to hear this." >The three of us left and quickly returned with TN on a stretcher, still bandaged. > "Okay, Marana. Begin." I said. MIKE: Annnnnddd... Action! > "The air about me was cold and misty. As I was floating through the mists, >I could sense someone else's presense. Whose, I don't know. I wasn't even >myself. I was someone else. TOM: [falsetto] I was...God. > I was following the psychic presense through a dark >cave. Suddenly, I heard a voice. > "Can you swim?" >I didn't recognize the voice at first, but I answered it with a voice not my own. > "Are you a turtle?" CROW: [sarcastic "presence"] *No,* I'm an aardvark. > "Okay. Follow me." >The presense disappeared into a deep lake ahead of us and I followed. I >felt more at ease in the water than on dry land and I soon caught up with the >psychic presense, but still could not see who it was. MIKE: Wait...no, it's just Uri Gellar. Keep looking. > Then, suddenly, we >surfaced and I saw who the presense was. Sashi. At this point, I knew who I was. >Leonardo. CROW: Yow. MIKE: Been getting into a little gender-bending lately, Marana? > We had come up in another part of the cave that was near Pernia. Just >on the outskirts of town, I felt yet another presense. It was my true self, >reaching through the void to me. But I didn't know this at first. > "No! Don't go any further! Sashi has a Plutonian slug mutant under her >control so she can kill you!" TOM: [whiny Leonardo] Ahh! Who's talking? Who are you? Who am I? I wanna go hoooommmme... > "Uh, uh. No way. MIKE: [surfer-dude] Like, way. > I don't believe you. Sashi loves me! Why would she >wish to kill me now? And who are you?" > "I am you, Leonardo. I am your true self, running loose in this dark void, >trying to reach out to you. CROW: [John Lovitz] Eh...would you believe...the pope? Yeah, that's the ticket... > Sashi wants to kill you because her sister, >TurtleNinja, has tried to bring you back to reality. She figures that if she >can't have you, TOM: --then she don't want nobody, baby! > then neither will TN." >I did not reply. My true self was gone. He had disappeared back into the >void. I didn't want to continue, but since I was under Sashi's control, I >went forward. I walked on to the center of the plaza. When I looked up, I >saw that my true self was right. MIKE: I really *was* a self-rightous, stupid, geeky, whiny dickweed! > In the far end of the plaza was a Plutonian >slug mutant. I stopped, but Sashi increased her psychic powers and I continued >to walk towards the slug. It bent down towards me and grinned. It was the >most frightening grin I had ever seen. CROW: Slugs grin? MIKE: It's the Chesire Slug. > I wanted to run away, but the power >of the Eye held me in place. The slug bent down, opened its mouth and swallowed >me whole." Everyone stayed frozen in their place with horror. Did Marana's >dream have some sort of meaning? TOM: No! Could it be that... [starts to yell] *Leonardo's going to get eaten by a giant slug mutant??* > I thought about it as I walked back to my >quarters to tell TurtleNinja about what I thought. She had Donnie and Raph >move her back when Marana had finished telling us her dream. She was staring >at that picture of her and Leonardo when we were at Greece. CROW: Doesn't she ever get tired of that? > "Hey, TN, I think I've found out a little bit more about the Eye." I said. > "Yeah. Marana's dream explains much. MIKE: Like, for example, the fact that Leonardo's going to be eaten by a giant slug mutant. > I just know that the true Leonardo is >in that void she described and has managed to contact her and tell her of >what is going to happen." she said. She put the picture aside on the bedstand >and sat there next to me. TOM: A minute ago, she couldn't even get up. Now she's "sitting there." CROW: [British] She got bettah! > Then, she turned towards me, looking at me with that >childlike sense of wonder. It was amazing how she could look at me like that >and not realize what it was doing to me. Suddenly, she began to cry. MIKE: She must be thinking of "Sleepless in Seattle." > "Mikey." she whispered, sobbing softly. TOM: [Michaelangelo] That's my name; don't wear it out, babe. > "Hey, I'm here for you, TurtleNinja." I said quietly, slipping my arms >around her. > "Sorry. I miss Leo. I miss his stubborn seriousness." MIKE: [falsetto] I miss the fact that he was a geeky dickweed... > "I know." >Her eyes shone with unshed tears for all that had happened. She missed Leo and >we both knew that we would possibly never get him back. Her cheeks sparkled with >tears for Leo. Her Leo. CROW: My Leo. Everybody's Leo. MIKE: [a revelation] Hey, you get it? There's a Gemini, and there's a Leo!! TOM: Mike, if my arms worked, I would hurt you. > We lay there on our cots until we fell asleep. We >both knew that when morning came, we would be on the biggest mission of our >lives. I gave that some thought as I fell asleep. > CROW: They spend more time *sleeping* in this story than awake!! >Chapter 2 >The Quest Of Master Splinter TOM: Quest for the Holy Donut. CROW: There's going to be singing, dancing, and a two-headed dragon in this chapter, won't there? > >After hearing Marana's dream, TurtleNinja and I decided that we all needed >to separate and find out more about the Eye. MIKE: It's an evil force that possesses people at random and can be stopped by an amulet powered by love! CROW: What more do they need to *know*? > TN and I figured that if we all >separated, we could find out more about the Eye on our own. Splinter and my >brothers, as well as Turtana and Shredder, decided that they, too, would try >to find out more about the Eye. TOM: The Red Eye is an evil force that possesses people at random and can be stopped by an amulet powered by love! MIKE: Thank you! > But since Mataji's book had been destroyed by >the Eye, we did not know if Splinter, Raphael, and Donatello could be recaptured. CROW: Damn! She stole the hint book from them! >Sure, they Eye had left their bodies, but that didn't mean that they couldn't be >recaptured. TOM: Did we mention that they possibly could be recaptured? > The very day we were to leave, TurtleNinja came up to us and >wished us all luck. It was obvious that she wanted us to make it though this >journey. MIKE: --so we could continue feeding her. CROW: So, you mean, she's too injured to come? No TurtleNinja? BOTS: Yes!! TOM: Things are lookin' up! > We each had a map of the planet and enough supplies to last us the >time in Yumana's wilderness. TN had gone back to Earth briefly to get her German >Shepherd, Firestorm. He would aid Master Splinter on his journey. Both she and >Splinter could communicate with Firestorm psychically, but on a limited scale. TOM: Witted bastards! Ought to be hanged over water and burned!! CROW: Okay, Tom, you can *have* the "Obscure Reference" award. TOM: Thanks! >In roughly two weeks, we would return and meet back at the TurtleNinja. We were >unaware that Sashi's power had gotten stronger and that her tirjil army had >also grown. It had increased to ten times the size of when we last fought >them. With one last lingering kiss from TurtleNinja, CROW: --who misses Leonardo *sooooo* much-- > I was on my way. But even >though I thought that I'd be the one to run into trouble, I wasn't the one. >It was Master Splinter and Firestorm. MIKE: You mean somebody *else* is important in this story? TOM: Wait a minute...now the narration is going to be in third person? > After the first day of travelling had >passed and night had fallen, Splinter and Firestorm had found a place to camp. >When they had eaten and gone to sleep, they were unaware of someone watching them >from the entrance of the cave. CROW: ["someone"] Hi! Ya busy? You a mutant? Got any coffee in here? > Then, at about one in the morning, Firestorm's >loud barking jolted Splinter from his sleep. He had a tirjil cornered by the >cave wall. Even in the shadows, Splinter could tell that the tirjil now >clinging to the rocks was a woman. MIKE: Because it would be a real strain on TurtleNinja's imagination to add a *male* character. > A closer look in the moonlight told him >that she was not a tirjil. Despited the bodysuit and Katana of a tirjil, >Master Splinter knew. On her back was an awkward pack made from the skin of >some sort of animal. TOM: Despite her bodysuit, Splinter knew that her pack was an animal? MIKE: Yeah, it's one of those packs shaped like a teddy bear; she keeps her Beanie Babies in it. TOM: Oh. > Firestorm was leaping high, as Turtle had trained him, >trying to lock his jaws onto the figure's Katana scabbard. Even though Splinter >was now awake, Firestorm continued to growl loudly. Realizing that the figure >was about to fall from her perch on the rocks, Splinter called off Firestorm. > "Firestorm!" CROW: Ew--I just *can't* picture Master Splinter saying that! It sounds like a super move in a bad fighting game! TOM: Or a whiney DC superhero from the 1980s. >Whining loudly, Firestorm backed away as the figure climbed down from the rocks. >Holding Firestorm by his collar, Splinter called out; > "He can't hurt you now!" TOM: [Splinter] But I can!! Get ready to rumbllleeee... >He signaled to where he was holding Firestorm and the figure slowly approached >him. Firestorm whined loudly, eager to take a bite out of the figure. MIKE: [Firestorm] Grruff! I wanna take a bite outta crime! A bite outta crime! >Understanding Splinter's confused expression, the figure reached up to her >collar and removed her mask. CROW: Oo! Oo! Bet she's a mutant rat! TOM: Two RAM chips! CROW: You're on! > A long, shiny mane of black hair tumbled out and >fell about a lovely human face. CROW: [devistated] Oh! Oh no! TOM: Ha ha! I win! Two RAM chips for me! > Splinter's eyes widened with surprise as he saw >her. He was expecting a turtle, not a human. CROW: And *we* were expecting a cheesy love-interest, ya freak! MIKE: Don't worry, Crow. Master Splinter at least *used* to be human in the cartoon version of the story, so it still technically works out. CROW: [grumbles incoherently] > Her mane of blue-black hair flowed >all the way down to her waist, shimmering in the firelight. Firestorm gave >a confused whine and promptly sat on his haunches as Splinter asked; > "Who are you?" > "My name is Jade. ALL: Gah!! [Various cries of protest.] TOM: No more Mortal Kombat! CROW: TurtleNinja, have you no *shame?* MIKE: Hold on! It might be *Mara* Jade, and this is a Star Wars crossover. TOM: Oh. [Pause] ALL: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! > I am on a quest to the sacred mountain of Yumana. A >goddess came to me and told me that I would meet a stranger on my journey, >and, here you are. Who are you? MIKE: [Splinter] I'm... Batman. > Are you on a quest to the sacred mountain?" >she asked. > "My name is Splinter. I am on a quest, but not the same quest that you are >speaking of. TOM: [Splinter] I come from a planet where prepositions are okay to end sentences with. > I am searching for an answer to a very important question that >needs answering by my people." CROW: My people...ah... MIKE: We'll have your people call my people; we'll do lunch. > "Then come with me. I have a question that my people need answered, too. I >have been sent by my people as a messenger to ask it. The gods of the >mountain can help both of us." > "What is your question? And where are you from?" CROW: [Man from Scene 24] What is your favorite color? MIKE: Come on, Crow, that was old the *first* time. > "I am from Ajanta, but originally from Earth. I was brought here as a >baby and raised with the Yumanan turtles here. Our queen and king have been >trying for a child for a year now, but nothing has happened. TOM: Wh-- What has *that* got to do with anything? > What about you?" > "My people are being ruled by an evil force that we call the Red Eye. I am to >ask for information about a book written by a Pernian that was destroyed by >the Eye on Earth, my home planet." MIKE: She knows what Earth is, Splinter; she lived there. > "They will help you. All you have to do is pass their tests and they will >help you." By now, another hour had passed and they were both very tired. CROW: Wow. I didn't know that talking was so tiresome. >Leaning forward slightly, Jade planted a warm, lingering kiss on Splinter's >furry cheek. TOM: Bleh. CROW: Ya know, it's starting to be less annoying as it becomes less surprising. TOM: No, I think it's becoming *more* annoying. Mike? MIKE: I gotta go with Tom on this one. When was it surprising? CROW: It was surprising with the Shredder. TOM: True. And annoying. CROW: Yup. > >Chapter 3 >Earth And Air... TOM: Fire! CROW: Hweeend! MIKE: Wat-ah! TOM: Heart! ALL: Go Planet! > >The next morning, Master Splinter awoke to the sensation of Jade's human >hands shaking him and of Firestorm's tongue licking his furry face. CROW: Are you sure that's not *Jade's* tongue...? TOM: *Hope* not. MIKE: It's early yet. > His eyes >fluttered open and Firestorm promptly yapped loudly in his face. Reaching for >the red T-shirt that he had disposed of near his sleeping bag, CROW: Last time I checked, he wears a robe. > he heard Jade's >soft giggle. TOM: [falsetto] You wear a shirt! It's funny! > Slipping the shirt over his head, he said; > "All right, Firestorm. I'm awake." TOM: Okay, I'm getting an 'Oscar' vibe here... CROW: Yuck. *No.* >He looked over at Jade, who was still in her bodysuit, but her mask was >hanging on her belt and her animal-skin pack was lying on the ground beside >her. Her long hair was pinned back in a braid and her green eyes glittered in >the firelight. CROW: Her eyes are green 'cause her name is Jade. > She reached down in her pack and withdrew an animal-skin water >jug and set it on the ground. Then, reaching again into her pack, Jade >withdrew some dried fruit, meat, and cheese. Since he had a rodent's nature, >Splinter eyed the cheese with interest. TOM: As a part-time Ninja Turtles purist, I feel it crucial that I object. He eats *sushi,* people. Sushi. MIKE: And custard-filled donuts. TOM: Thank you. > After breakfast, Jade said that >they would have to pass the elements of life test, which was a series of four >tests. Fire, ice, air and land. MIKE: Uh...and water and earth. CROW: And Hweeend! > Jade told him that if they passed those four >tests, the gods would be obliged to grant their requests. But she also warned >that they would have to be on their own. They would have to leave Firestorm >behind with food and water. TOM: Then what was the point of bringing him along to *begin* with? MIKE: You get the feeling TurtleNinja is just making this all up as she goes along? TOM: Yah. > Firestorm understood that he would have to be >alone and he did not seem to mind. The first test was one of air, and the two >of them had no way of crossing the deep canyon. Just then, Jade happened to >look over to her left. There, in the shadows, was a hang-glider. BOTS: Gaaaahhh!! MIKE: What? BOTS: ATOR!! > After helping >her move it, Splinter had to think about how the two of them were going to get >across. The glider didn't seem big enough to hold the two of them. > "Jade, see if you can use your belt as a support above me. If so, I may have >just found our way across the canyon." Splinter said. CROW: Yeah, the glider. >Jade was the first on the glider. Her small body just barely managed to fit >into the space that her belt left. When they were both ready, Splinter gripped >the bar and leapt off the canyon's edge. MIKE: [perplexed] I don't *get* it. How are they gliding? TOM: Just ignore it, Mike. > But instead of going straight down, >the glider caught the wind and they floated across. CROW: That's usually the *point* of a glider, isn't it? > Unfortunately, Jade's belt >gave way and she began to slip downward. Knowing that they only had one chance, >Splinter swung his knees up, hooked them around the bar of the glider, grabbed >Jade's wrists, MIKE: --and executed a perfect triple lutz. [Scattered applause.] TOM: Very nice. > and prevented her from falling to her death. Sighing a soft sigh >of relief, Jade directed the glider over to the other side and they made a soft >landing. TOM: The scores are coming in...that's... a nine-point-nine-seven... a nine-point-nine-nine... a nine-point-nine-eight... Ohhh, and a seven-point-three from the Russian judge. > The glider promptly disappeared the moment it touched the ground and >Jade said; MIKE: [sarcastic falsetto] Nice dismount, rat-boy. > "Wow. The gods sure are mysterious." > "Yeah. One down, three to go." CROW: That was the whole test? MIKE: Yeah, they're quickies. TOM: What are you trying to *do,* Crow, drag it out even *longer?* >As they continued on, they noticed small noises in the underbrush around them. >Then, suddenly, Jade grabbed onto Splinter's shoulders and said; > "I think you should turn around. Don't ask why, just turn around. Slowly." >Carefully, they turned around. CROW: [falsetto] Ha! Gotcha! Monkeys always loo-oook! > Jade's shrill scream had just barely reached >Splinter's ears MIKE: She very calmly tells him to turn around, then she screams? TOM: She's a *girl,* Mike. > before she grabbed his hand and pulled him after her, the >giant creature just barely missing him with a large, clawed paw. Even though >she was out of breath, Jade managed to gasp out; > "A Pawpaw! Those things are vicious!" CROW: A Pawpaw...'cause it has paws! Get it? > "Well, what do we do?' > "It may be huge, MIKE: --but I'm huger! > but it can't climb rocks." > "Great! There aren't any...Uhh!" >Splinter was suddenly thrown back by something hard. TOM: [laugh] We now *paws* for station identification. > Looking up, he found that >he had run directly into a solid rock wall. Feeling something warm and wet >trickle down the side of his face, Splinter reached up and felt his forehead, >finding a cut just above his left eyebrow. CROW: [gasp!] On his *head?* MIKE: [laugh] That injury ought to give him *paws.* > It wasn't that deep, but it did >need a bandage. Jade helped him to his feet as a loud roar behind them >startled them both. CROW: [laugh] Hey, Mike, you think this scene is even *paws*ible? > They turned around as the Pawpaw advanced. Even if they did >start up the rocks now, the creature could easily reach them. Just when all >seemed lost, Jade reached down into her boot and withdrew a dagger. She raised >her arm and released it. MIKE: [laugh] Oh, absolutely *paws*itively, Crow! TOM: [laugh] > The Pawpaw yowled in pain as the dagger went deep >into its leg. It reached down, pulled the dagger from its leg and dropped it >on the ground before running away, whining. MIKE: [Pawpaw] I'm calling my lawyer...! BOTS: [singing] Im*paws*ible! For a plain yellow pumpkin to become a golden carrage... > Slowly, Splinter slumped to the >ground, letting the blood run down his forehead. Jade set her pack beside >her as she knelt beside Master Splinter. Reaching into her pack, Jade withdrew >a small square of linen cloth and tape. TOM: [still singing] Im*paws*ible! For a rat and a woman to be... CROW: We *paws* now for a brief interlude... > Splinter leaned back on the rocks >and allowed Jade to take care of the cut on his forehead. Once Jade had >completed her task, and everything was put back into her pack, they proceded >to climb up the rocks. CROW: It seems we are just *paw*ns in their little game... TOM: [still singing] Im*paws*ible... MIKE: Okay, cut it out now, you two. > >Chapter 4 >Fire And Ice TOM: And *everything* nice. > >As Splinter and Jade continued on their way, they noticed an increase in >temperature. It grew hotter until they came to a deep, narrow chasm. Jade >looked down into it, not hearing the underground rumble that was a warning to >Splinter. Even though he was tired and his fur was soaked with sweat, CROW: Rat-sweat? I'm sure that smells really *good.* > he was >aware of the fire rushing up from underground. Quickly, Splinter pulled >Jade back a split-second before the flames leapt upward from the chasm. MIKE: [slightly British] They're proceeded by a slight pocking sound. CROW: [falsetto] The R.O.U.S.es? But I don't think they exist... Ha, uh... present company excepted, of course... > They >didn't die down, either. Knowing that they would suffocate in a matter of >minutes, Splinter pulled Jade's white animal-skin cloak and water jug from her >pack. He spread the cloak on the ground, uncorked the water jug, and poured the >water over the cloak. Quickly, Splinter tied the cloak around his shoulders MIKE: [Splinter, laughingly] What do ya know? I *am* Batman! >and corked the water jug, replacing it in the pack. Then, handing the pack back >to Jade, Splinter picked her up and protected her the best he could with the cloak >and his furry body. Hoping that the heat wouldn't be too intense, Splinter >leapt across the chasm with a gasping Jade in his arms. TOM: Splinter's like four-foot-two. Shouldn't *she* be carrying *him?* > The water on the cloak >sizzled as they passed through the flames and fell to the ground on the other >side. The flames died off, but it was not a comfort for Splinter. He didn't even >feel their bodies fall to the ground, for he, and Jade, were both unconscious. > >* * * MIKE: After a while, Splinter woke up from being unconcious. "What? Where am I?" Splinter asked. But he was back in the hold of the TurtleNinja. TOM: Mike, you are Satan. CROW: Then, later, TurtleNinja woke up from being unconcious! > >After awhile, Jade became aware of her own consciousness and of Splinter's limp >body sprawled over her. ALL: Eeeeeewwww... > After wiggling free, she turned Splinter over onto his >back. She sighed softly, seeing that he was still breathing. CROW: Well, if he *died,* she could always just meditate him back. > Slowly, Splinter >became aware of his own consciousness. MIKE: Then, TurtleNinja became aware of her own consciousness! TOM: So would you say they're conscious of their own consciousness? CROW: Their consciences help them become conscious of their consciousness. > His eyes fluttered open and he was glad >to see that Jade was still alive and looking down at him. He blinked, not sure >of what had happened. When he sat up, he found that the cloak, as well as his >fur, had been singed. The flames were gone from the chasm, but they were not >yet at the end of their journey. CROW: The flames, that is. > They had passed three tests, but there was >still one left. MIKE: And it was the most grueling of all: Science Reasoning! > Jade pulled Splinter to his feet and they continued on their >way, taking Jade's very abused cloak with them. CROW: [sigh] TOM: Ladies and gentlemen, you can help to *prevent* cloak abuse: just call 1-800-STOP-RIP today. > Soon enough, they noticed a >severe drop in temperature and were both too tired to continue. But the cave >surrounding them was pure ice and very cold. Splinter sat down on the floor of >the cave and took a cloaked Jade in his arms so she could keep warm while she >slept. > "But won't you be cold?" she asked. > "No. Being furry, I can keep warm, despite the ice." Splinter told her. >Smiling, Jade curled up in Splinter's furry arms and went to sleep. MIKE: See, stuff like that would almost be cute, if the same kind of thing hadn't happened twelve or thirteen times already. CROW: And if the female characters had *any* development at *all.* TOM: Crow, why waste space with character development when you can waste it being saccarine? > >* * * > >The next morning, Jade awoke with the sense of a new day. At first, she >couldn't understand why she was so cold. Then it all came flooding back to her. TOM: [falsetto singing] There's a rat and a cloak, and it's *all* coming back to me now!! >The test of air, the Pawpaw, the rocks, the chasm of flame...and Splinter! >The Earth rat who had saved her life. But where was he? Jade moved slightly and >felt the furry arms around her tighten. MIKE: [falsetto] Uurrgg...uuh...Splinter, I can't breathe!! > Stretching her arms around his neck, >Jade briefly pressed her lips to his furry cheek before whispering in his ear; > "Time to get up, for our journey must continue." >Splinter yawned and blinked the sand out of his eyes. Jade reached into her pack >and withdrew a small chunk of cheese, which she handed to Splinter. TOM: Because he's a *rat.* CROW: In that case, shouldn't she be handing him garbage and rotted entrails and stuff? MIKE: Yes, but none are readily available. > Jade watched >him for a few seconds before continuing to eat her own meal. After eating >breakfast, Jade and Splinter went to a small pond nearby and washed the soot >from their faces. TOM: [Splinter] Hey, Jade, the water's pretty cold...careful you don't freeze your face into a giant mask of ice and suffocate to death! > After that, they continued on their way through the icy tunnel. >Jade jogged on ahead, trying to keep warm. When Splinter turned a corner, he ran >headlong into an ice wall. But as he was about to turn around, he heard something >drop to the ice behind him. MIKE: Wow...Candice Bergen was *right*; you *can* hear a pin drop! > He was trapped. Did that mean that the gods did >not want him to help Jade? He'd had enough. > "Let me out of here!" >Much to his surprise, the ice walls disappeared and he walked into a room where >Jade awaited his arrival. CROW: Ohhh! MIKE: [Splinter] You mean all this time, all I had to do was *ask?* > She stood in front of a portal of bright, white light. > "It's about time, Splinter. We were starting to think that another Pawpaw got >you." Jade said teasingly. TOM: "We?" Is she the Queen of England? > "Yeah, right. Not in a million years." CROW: [Splinter, cocky] You think a little thing like the end of the world is gonna stop me? MIKE: The characterization on Splinter is so vivid...you'd almost think he was Michaelangelo. >They both turned towards the light, which, to their surprise, spoke to them. > "You have done well. Jade, step forward." >Jade looked at Splinter before tentatively stepping forward towards the portal >of light. > "Jade, you have proven that you are worthy of our help. Your queen will have a >son within the next year. TOM: [Voice] You are to name him Abram, and sacrifice three goats unto me the night of his birth. > Splinter, step forward." >Jade stepped back as Splinter stepped in front of the light. > "Splinter, you are a stranger in our land, MIKE: So we'll have some random Heinlein characters join you on your quest! Lazarus Long, come on down! > but since you have aided Jade >without any heed to your own life, I will aid you in defeating the Red Eye. >The book you are searching for will be found with the Guardian's family." CROW: Ohhh...you mean they gotta go clear back *there* again? TOM: So, basically, this whole trip was a pointless waste of time? >Splinter slowly stepped back. The white light seemed to surround both him and >Jade. Too late he saw the light change to red as he felt himself slip into >unconsciousness. MIKE: Ha, ha! Tricked you! It's evil!! > >Chapter 5 >Through The Danger Zone ALL: [singing] Gonna take a highway to the Danger Zone... > >While Splinter was in the Room of Light with Jade, I was following a very >strange-looking tirjil around the Tirjil Headquarters. CROW: [Igor] Walk this way... > It wasn't long before >the tirjil entered Sashi and Leonardo's quarters and I found out what they were >up to. All of Leo's personal belongings were being put in a bag so they could >be burnt. MIKE: All right--a barbecue! CROW: They're having a "burnt blue eyemask" night. > When the tirjil had gone and Leo's things were set outside the door, I >leapt from my perch on the pipes and took the bag, replacing it with one filled >with junk. There was definetly something going on. TOM: Thank you for that info, Freida. > I returned to the >TurtleNinja to await the others' arrival. Our two weeks were almost up and it >was time to see what the others had found. TOM: [whisper] Our two weeks are up, and...let's see how they've done. > But what I didn't know was that >Raphael, Donatello, and Master Splinter had all been recaptured by the Eye. MIKE: Oh, bummer!! >They would all be recaptured, but only one would escape before TurtleNinja used >her amulet to destroy the Eye. CROW: Way to *go,* TurtleNinja--just ruin it for us! TOM: Michaelangelo can read the future now? MIKE: His mutant power is the ability to, as narrator, spontaneously develop new omnescent powers. > The first ones to return from the mission >Turtana, Shredder, CROW: 'Cause he's *such* a nice guy, > and TN. We waited a few hours for Raph, Donnie and Splinter >before someone came running up to us, dressed in the uniform of a tirjil. Our >weapons were drawn before we realized that Firestorm was with her. TOM: Go, and may Firestorm be with you. > That meant >that she had either killed or kidnapped Splinter. But when she removed her mask, >we realized that she was not a tirjil, just dressed in the uniform of one. MIKE: I don't understand how you know whether or not someone is a tirjil. CROW: Well, she's not a tirjil 'cause she's *cute,* Mike. > The >uniform, as we found out later, she had stolen from the Tirjil Headquarters. Her >name was Jade and she said that she had been on a journey with Master Splinter >and that he had been taken by a red light while they were on the sacred >mountaintop with the gods during their ceremony. TOM: We know, we know, yadda yadda yadda. > Her people had once known >Mataji and she knew the story of the Red Eye, but not all that Mataji had >written. MIKE: Which was, basically, that it was an evil force that posessed people at random and could only be stopped by this amulet powered by love. CROW: And that it doesn't do much, really. > TurtleNinja said that she would bring Firestorm back to Earth after >she had heard what I had found in the Tirjil Headquarters. > "TN, just bring Firestorm home. I can wait until you get back." I said. >I guess now that something in my eyes told her to go, MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Or else it ws the fact that I *told* her to *go...* > for she called >Firestorm and the two of them boarded a shuttle that was headed back to >Earth. TOM: It just happened to be sitting there at the time. > I just hoped that she would be ready to hear what I had to say >when she got back. > >* * * > >Meanwhile, Master Splinter was having his share of troubles. CROW: He moved to Ireland? > When he first >came around, he saw white titanium walls for a brief second before he slipped >into unconsciousness once more. MIKE: Then, later, he awoke from unconiousness! CROW: Nothing happens *concious* in this story, just fleeting memories of unconcious things. > He knew what had happened. He knew what had >happened ever since the day that Leo returned to Turtle Cliff. And that meant >that he knew what Sashi was up to. TOM: ...Leonardo, basically. CROW: Basically. > >* * * > >When the dull throb in his head was gone and his head had cleared, Splinter >slowly opened his eyes and looked around at his surroundings. MIKE: Do you suppose TurtleNinja really *knows* what it's like to be knocked out? CROW: Oh, you never know...maybe she gets in a lot of gang fights. > Steel shackles >and iron chains bound him to the titanium wall. TOM: Hey, neat! Know any *more* metals? Maybe we can squeeze 'em in. > His muscles ached and he was >so tired that he could barely breathe, but he managed to look up when the steel >door banged open. In stepped Leonardo and he was in the company of two tirjils. >Sashi lingered just outside the door, waiting for Leonardo. Leo's eyes flashed >a fiery red as he gazed upon his captive. MIKE: Leo's good at "evil." It might be a good career option for him if the "leader of the Ninja Turtles" thing ever gets old. > Splinter could feel their hate, >waiting to destroy, to burn him alive. > "So, you have finally returned. But it is too late for you. I am Sashi's >now and you are a mere hors d'ourve for the Eye." TOM: Oh! I love Hors Do-overs! CROW: Hey, Tom, got anymore Hors Do-overs? > Leo snarled, turning to leave. >Just as he was about to step away, Leo swept around with a roundhouse kick >that struck Splinter on the shoulder. There was the sharp, distinct sound of >bone breaking and Splinter realized that Leo had managed to dislocate his >shoulder. MIKE: Which I, Michaelangelo, the narrator, knew he could tell. > Casting a final, evil glance at Splinter, Leonardo left the room. The >two tirjils that were with him remained and Splinter paid them no heed. >Then, the steel door banged open and Sashi sauntered in, an evil half-grin, >half-sneer on her reptilian lips. [Number on screen: 15] CROW: Ooo...that's a good look for her! TOM: Sashi makes me melt inside. > In her hands were a pair of nunchakus... >Master Splinter knew what was coming. Her eyes burned into Splinter's, their >heat and hatred far more intense than Leonardo's. > > I am already near death, Splinter thought. What more do they want to do >to me? MIKE: Beat you senseless, I believe. > >Sashi's eyes glowed bright red as she spoke to him. > "So, I have caught you at last, my defiant rat! Where is Turtana and my sister? >You will answer me...or perish!" Sashi snarled, reaching down to lift up >Splinter's chin. CROW: Ohhh...owch...that's a cliche. MIKE: Hy-yeah. TOM: So is this like that scene in the first Ninja Turtles movie where Splinter was...well, chained to a wall? CROW: Why, yes, fan-boy, it is! TOM: Grrr... > "I did the best I could, but they escaped us." Splinter said, gasping. >Eyes glowing bright red, Sashi snapped back. CROW: Look out; she's having a seisure! > "Fool! That's not good enough! I want those turtles! Including the one that >Leonardo calls Michaelangelo, the Earth turtle who's helping my sister. MIKE: No, actually, *Donatello* is the Earth Turtle...Michaelangelo's the Wind Turtle, and Leonardo's the Water Turtle... CROW: Shameless plug! For Ninja Turtles fan-fic that's actually *interesting*... MIKE: Nope...that's all...ain't gonna say it. CROW: Darn. > >I also want the human that seems to always be in their company. MIKE: Ya mean Shredder? TOM: No, I think she's talking about Jennifer Love Hewitt. > They will pay for >all the trouble I went through to get to where I am now." > "Why? Why do you want to hurt TurtleNinja and the others?" > "Why? I'll tell you why. CROW: She's *annoying!* TOM: Amen. > Turtana prevented me from becoming Master and >Turtle because she's the only one who can stop me. And as for Michaelangelo and >that human, I want them destroyed because they are helping my sister and >Turtana. MIKE: [falsetto] And they owe me money... > Now that you have gone and betrayed me, you are of no use to me any >longer. I will destroy you here and now!" >Sashi then snapped her fingers, signaling the two tirjils. TOM: [breathy falsetto] Boys? > They stepped forward >and all three of them took turns in beating a helpless Master Splinter. CROW: Gang bang! > Sashi >was the worst one, flailing the nunchakus about his head and neck. Suddenly, >just as Splinter was about to lose all consciousness, Sashi screamed and >Splinter's assailants fled from the room. MIKE: [falsetto] Ahhh! I just remembered I had a hair appointment! > Just before the all too familar >darkness closed over him, Splinter felt a pair of warm, furry, clawed paws undo >the shackles and lower him to the ground. > TOM: All right! Chewbacca to the rescue! >part 2 of Legend Of The Red Eye 5 MIKE: Well don't leave us in *suspense,* TurtleNinja, what next? >Legend Of The Red Eye 5: The Battle To End All Battles > >By: TurtleNinja CROW: [cheery] Dark Princess of the Netherworld! >Chapter 6 >TN's Discovery > TOM: [falsetto] Oh...so *that's* how Ninja Turtles reproduce! MIKE: Ew. >Later that night, I told TurtleNinja of my discovery in the Tirjil Headquarters. > "TurtleNinja, I know what I saw. The tirjil packed all of Leo's things in a >large garbage bag and was going to burn them. If you want proof, look in my >closet. The bag is all there. CROW: [Michaelangelo] You wouldn't *believe* the stuff I found in there, dudette! I mean: leather-studded eye-masks, pizza-flavored lace panties... MIKE: Cool it, Crow. TOM: Yeah, Mike's been trying not to picture this subtext the whole time. MIKE: It's hard. TOM: Still, I think maybe I'll *join* you. > Just look." I said. > "I don't need proof, I've got my own. I saw a couple tirjils near Turtle >Farm when I was there. They didn't see me." she said. > "Well, what's going on?" CROW: Off the top of my head, I would say... Red Eye. > "I don't know exactly. All I know is that it has something to do with Leonardo >and Splinter. TOM: And the other turtles, but they're not actually important. > That's all I was able to find out." >We ate supper with what was left of our team and then went to bed. We had to get >our rest, for a new battle against the Eye would come with the dawning of a new day. CROW: Plus, we just hadn't been unconcious in a while...thought it would be a good place to start. > >* * * > >Early the next morning, TurtleNinja awoke with the first light and found that >I was still asleep. MIKE: Yet I was *still capable of narrating!* > She tried shaking my unmoving body, but soon found that it >was of no use. Then, she got an idea. One that would annoy anyone at six in the >morning. TOM: She continued to exist? > She had brought her tenor sax along for entertainment and knew exactly >what would annoy me most. CROW: She made you read her fan-fic? > She picked up her sheet music and started blasting out >'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' as loud as her sax reed could take it. MIKE: [singing] In the spaceship, the turtle spaceship, the ninja plays her horn... > Believe me, >it worked. Within seconds, I was awake, along with half the TurtleNinja's crew, MIKE: --who all were more than happy to join me in beating her senseless. BOTS: Huzzah! >who also heard her wake up call. Shredder was the first one in our quarters. TOM: He brought his blades. > "TurtleNinja, just because you and Michaelangelo have to get up, doesn't mean >that everyone else does." he said, with much annoyance in his voice. > "Yes, you do. ALL: [whiny and mocking] Yes you do... TOM: Can I kill 'er, Mike? Can I kill 'er? > I want everyone at their posts by seven thirty." she said. > "Yeah. Anything else you want down at the kitchens?" > "Uh, yeah. A couple of your surprise pancakes will do." MIKE: [falsetto] The ones with the cyanide in 'em! TOM: Surprise! >Shredder smirked and left the room to head down to the kitchens. After a quick >shower, TurtleNinja walked to the main control room and it wasn't long before >her voice blared out over the intercom. > "Good morning! This is the Captain speaking. CROW: [falsetto] Good morning! This is your irritating, nasal, whiny, moron, self-insertion Captain speaking! Rise and shine and [drops falsetto] Oh My God I wanna *die!* Mike, I wanna *die!* [starts crying] MIKE: [attempts to console him] It's okay...it's okay... TOM: Now you know how *I* felt. > I want everybody at their posts >by seven thirty." By the time I had gotten myself out of bed, exercised, >showered, and got down to the kitchens, I found that the place was crowded. TOM: What, with all the *good guys* and their nameless "crew"? [Crow recovers.] MIKE: All of these people against *two* villains; I mean, it hardly seems fair, when you think about it. >But it didn't matter. I quickly found that TurtleNinja had saved me a spot at our >usual table. I got my breakfast and sat down next to her. > "So, did you enjoy my wake up call this morning?" she asked. CROW: [Michaelangelo] "Sure," I replied, strangling her until she *died.* > "Just fine. I was perfectly annoyed. Hey....come on. That's the best I've >ever heard you play. Why don't you do that every morning at home?" I asked. TOM: [falsetto] Because I value my life? > "Because I don't think that Splinter and your brothers would appreciate it >as much as you do. I think that they would be more annoyed than..." MIKE: More annoyed than us? CROW: Not possible. >TurtleNinja was suddenly interrupted by the entire hull being shook by some >sort of beam. There was a loud thud next to me and I found that TurtleNinja >had been thrown from her seat. CROW: The Gods of True Music take their revenge! > Just then, the intercom blared on. > "TN, if you're anywhere on this ship, please come directly to the bridge! >We are in serious trouble!" It was Turtana, and we were in serious trouble. TOM: ...like she said. >By the time that we had arrived, Turtana was issuing orders to fire at >another ship. MIKE: [Turtana-Picard] Make it so. > "Wait! Hold your fire!" TN called. TOM: TurtleNinja Amber Flores Picard to the bridge! >All heads turned in the control room. Turtana's was the last to turn, >since she was paying attention to the screens. > "It's about time that you got here. Sashi's attacking us. We've got to >down their ship." Turtana said. CROW: [whiny falsetto] We can't make *any* decisions without *your* help... Whaaa!! > "No, we musn't. What if Leo and the others are aboard that ship. We'd >lose him. Then the Eye would surely have its revenge on our family." TN replied. > "Are you sure?" > "Yes. Check the ship for signs of the others." MIKE: [Turtana] Oh, it's a good thing you were here, TN; I usually just blast at *everything!* >The tirjil at the controls searched the ship for Leo and came up with a >surprising discovery. TOM: The blancmanges wish to win Wimbleton! > "TurtleNinja, there's no sign of Leonardo. In fact, there's no sign of >anybody on that ship." > "It's a decoy. CROW: [falsetto] Blow it to smithereens. > Go around it and continue on course." TurtleNinja said. TOM: Oooo...*baaad* move, TN. Darth Vader made that mistake, you know. MIKE: Yeah, what if that ship contains droids carrying the secret plans to the Death Turtle? CROW: Oh! A flying Technodrome! >But even Sashi's decoy would not allow us to continue. The minute the >TurtleNinja's engines started up, the decoy ship fired at us. The impact >was so strong that it threw TN backwards into me, tossing us both into the >wall. But even as we were hurtling through the air, TurtleNinja shouted out >a command to return fire. TOM: She's really got it together, that TN. > "Shields up and return fire!" MIKE: [falsetto] But, Captain, they're firing torpedos...of Ratliff Gas! >One blast would cause the ship to go down. The tirjil at the controls >locked the torpedos onto the decoy ship and fired. The ship exploded [All cheer!!] >and we were allowed to continue...for now. TOM: --the hell? CROW: I guess the *other* ship exploded. TOM: Well, she should have specified! She really had my hopes up for a second there! > >* * * > >Meanwhile, Sashi returned to Splinter's cell, only to find that he was >gone. Leonardo entered the cell to find a ranting, raving Sashi screaming >about how they managed to find Splinter and take him away. MIKE: They came to take him away, ha ha? > "Who do you mean by they?" Leo asked. TOM: You know... *them.* > "Your brother and my sister, that's who. If they've managed to get to >Splinter, I'll never let those two near any prisoner for a long time. MIKE: [falsetto] Since they're...on the other *side* anyway... heh. > Your >rodent master is the only one who knows what we're up to and how to stop us. >You follow?" > "Yeah, I follow. I hate to say it, but we'll have to destroy Splinter >when we find him or we may be defeated permanently." > "Leo, you took the words right out of my mouth. You and I could make >quite a team together. CROW: You mean like they've been *doing* for the past twenty-five chapters? > Let's get searching. The sooner we destroy Splinter, >the sooner we can take over the universe." MIKE: [Leo, dumb] Duhhhhh...okay. > The two of them headed out to >search all of Yumana as best they could for Splinter. TOM: So, what, they're going to just *comb* a whole *planet*? CROW: They hired 1-800-BIG-HUGS. > But they had no idea >where Splinter was and that we were not the ones who had taken him after he >had been beaten. Then again, we had no idea, either. > MIKE: So we just wandered around aimlessly for forty-five more chapters... let's take a look. >Chapter 7 >The Battle Resumes CROW: It never *stopped,* did it? TOM: Well, they did take that break for the musical interlude. CROW: [shudders.] > >Once we had destroyed the decoy ship, we resumed our course back home to >Earth. Once we were back home on Turtle Farm, we would search for Raphael, >Donatello, and Master Splinter before looking for Leonardo and >TurtleNinja's sister, Sashi. TOM: Not to mention Desperately Seeking Susan and Searching for Bobby Fisher. CROW: We also tried Chasing Amy and Saving Private Ryan, but to no avail. > I had some sort of idea as to where Donnie and >Raph were, but I had no idea where Splinter was. MIKE: Well, Sashi and Leonardo seem to have a lead that he's somewhere on Yumana, so I would assume Earth would be a good place to start. TOM: Or Pluto. > Quietly, the TurtleNinja >hovered in space above Turtle Farm and we went down to Earth in a shuttle. >The farm was as we had left it and it was undisturbed. But the Room was >slightly different. MIKE: Hey! Did you kids have a party in here while we were gone? CROW: Nooo... TOM: [falsetto] Then what's this beer-scented stain on the rug? CROW: Uuhhh... Well, it's not beer... > The space in the wall that had been left when Sashi >took Mataji's ship was not there. It had been filled in. We thought that we >could spend one night in the Sleeping Quarters with out being detected >by Sashi, but we were dead wrong. CROW: She killed us as we slept; the end. > The moment night fell and we were all >asleep, Sashi sent a shuttle from her ship down to Turtle Farm that was >filled with a small attack force. MIKE: It's Wolf's Dragoons in a surprise cameo! > I was awakened by the sense of someone >moving in our room. When I sat up, I found that it was only TurtleNinja >and that there were small noises coming from downstairs. TOM: They've got rats! Big mutant rats! > Winter had come >again and we had been fighting the Eye for nearly a year. CROW: One thing I do have to hand to her is her sense of timing. It really *does feel* like we've been sitting here reading this for an entire year! MIKE: Yeah, complete with the trials and tribulations of a year... TOM: The countless times when people went to sleep and had to get back up again... CROW: Breakfasts, lunches, dinners... MIKE: The people you meet and then are supposed to continue to picture, even in scenes where their presence makes no difference... TOM: Getting knocked out and being all dazed and confused when you wake up again... CROW: What a crazy year it's been. > Time was running >out. The river was frozen over and would be an excellent means of escape. >By now, Turtana and Shredder were awake and alert to the small movements >downstairs. MIKE: [random stair-dweller] Whoa! There's one of them now; did you see it? I think it's wearing a robe! > Slowly, hoping that the stairs wouldn't creak, we slipped >downstairs, one at a time. I reached past the doorway and flipped on the >light. Two tirjils were in the room and they bolted for the dining room. CROW: [tirjils] G'yahh! Too bright! >They leapt through the glass doors leading to the patio and headed for the >river. Even though they had escaped, we decided to follow them. TOM: Follow those generic knock-off bad guys! > By the time >that we had gotten to the river, the tirjils had escaped. But that wasn't >the problem that we faced at this point. Suddenly, Leonardo appeared on the >horizon with a snowmobile. MIKE: [hums opening instrumental from "Bad to the Bone."] > Taking a wild chance, Shredder leapt aboard as >Leo sped by. Leo immediately brought the snowmobile to a stop and reached >back to grapple with Shredder. CROW: ... Wait a minute! Did we already *do* this fight? MIKE: Yeah, but only twice. > Suddenly, quickly, Shredder reached forward >and threw Leo aside. But with the power of the Eye in him, Leo wasn't >fazed. TOM: So, basically, the story has thrown up its hands and said, "Look, I just don't *feel* like being original or interesting anymore! Why don't I just re-use the snowmobile sequence from parts One *and* Two!" > Leo leapt up at him and the two of them wrestled on the ice before MIKE: ...Ricky Steamboat took the tag from Splinter and hit Leo with a devastating scissors kick. >Leo suddenly kicked his feet up, sending Shredder into the snowmobile >with a loud thud. Slowly, his body slumped to the ice and I knew that >he wouldn't be coming to our rescue anytime soon. CROW: In fact, he would go back to acting like an actual villain! > But before I could >gather my wits, Turtana attacked. She may look weak, but she was a born >fighter and was not to be messed with. MIKE: At least she *was* a born fighter...years ago... TOM: I like my mid-sentence tense shifts with a hint of mint. > But I knew that she, too, would be >defeated by Leo and the evil Eye. She darted towards him and Leo swiftly >lifted her over his head and threw her to the ice with a powerful backwards >slam. There was a sharp crack as her arm broke under the blow, CROW: Bringing our total "arm injury" count up another point! > but I did >not hear it, for I was now running along the drainage ditch that ran >along Turtle Farm before dropping off Turtle Cliff in a waterfall into >Turtle Lake. MIKE: And finally ending up in Turtle Park right across the street from Turtle Sea in the middle of the Turtle Continent. > But there was one more obstacle I had to pass. I had to make >it under a culvert that ran under the road past Turtle Farm unseen. I >passed through it, but not unseen. Leonardo knew in which direction I >was headed and was awaiting me on the other side of the culvert. CROW: Did she say "culvert" enough? TOM: TurtleNinja learned a new *vocabulary word* in school and she wanted to show it off a couple thousand times. > > Damn, I thought. CROW: Only I thought it Y7 style. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Darn! > He must have seen me run off. Now what? > >As I knelt there in the tall weeds, MIKE: Aaaaa-chooo! CROW: [TurtleNinja] Ew, Mikey, you got mist all over the place! MIKE: [Michaelangelo] There, ya see how it feels? > Leo drew his Katanas and was suddenly >in the company of two tirjils. Who they were, I had no idea. Their forms >were very familiar to me. I knew that I could not go anywhere, so I decided >to retreat further into the shadows of the culvert. Suddenly, I felt >something brush my foot. It felt like matted fur. TOM: With a third cameo appearance by the unconcious form of Master Splinter! MIKE and CROW: [dully] Yay. > But I paid it no heed >as Leo spotted me in the shadows and the threesome advanced. CROW: With the subtext she already has buried in this story, was that term really nessecary? >Suddenly, Leo stopped, the others just a few feet behind him. His >glowing red eyes flickered as he looked past me. > "You? What are you doing here?" MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Uhh...just scoping out some killer fungal pizza toppings, dude... >I briefly looked behind me. Could it be? Could it really be? It was. CROW: But...could it really be? > It was >Master Splinter lying there, half on the ice, half on the mud and water near >the wall of the culvert. CROW: [sarcastic] Wow...I know *I'm* shocked. TOM: Synonyms for "culvert." Sewer. Drain. Channel. Conduit. [starts to yell] For crying out loud, use a different word! > I glanced back at Leo, who had turned his head >away. Suddenly, Splinter spoke to us. > "Leonardo, stop. Why must you do this? Why must you hurt Michaelangelo?" CROW: ...Because maybe with no narrator, the story will end? MIKE: Don't bet on it. > "Because our master says we must." >I looked over at the tirjil who had spoken just before the two of them >tore off their masks. A short gasp escaped Splinter's lips as he saw who >they were. > "Raphael! Donatello!" MIKE: [Splinter] Renassiance painters? *Here?* >I quickly looked back at Splinter. It appeared that he had fainted back >on the ice. I couldn't tell. Suddenly, I was aware of yet another figure nearby. TOM: It's John Henson! He's going to fight them off with his quips and humor! CROW: Go, skunk boy, go! >But before I could move, the figure leapt down from the road and called out an >incantation. > "Kamika kashana!" ['Bots break into song.] TOM: Kamika kashana! What a wonderful phrase! CROW: Kamika kashana... ain't no passin' craze! >Despite the shadows, I could tell that it was TurtleNinja. She had her >amulet raised and aimed at Raphael and Donatello. The red immediately >disappeared from their eyes and they turned towards Leonardo. > "No. You're both under my command. Attack the enemy, not me!" CROW: Attack while it's tail's up! MIKE: Oops. > Leo >cried out, but it was of no use. Raphael and Donatello advanced, weapons >drawn. But as Donnie attacked, I knew that Leo could not be overtaken that >easily. His eyes glowed bright red as he used his Katanas to disarm his >brother. MIKE: Oh...owch! TOM: [British] 'Tis but a flesh wound! > With one swift motion, he tossed Donnie aside and into a patch >of reeds and sharp ice. MIKE: Hey, watch out for that ice--we just had it sharpened! > This infuriated Raph, who attacked next. But even >he was no match for the power of the Eye. He was tossed into the side of >the road, where the culvert protruded from it. There was the sound of impact >and I could see a small trickle of blood start to run down his reptilan >forehead. [Number on screen: 16.] CROW: Would it *kill* her to just say: "green" forhead? > That left TN, Splinter, and myself. But even the odds did not >stop Leo from attacking. I stepped in front of TurtleNinja to prevent her >from being the first of Leo's victims and found myself being flung through >the air. MIKE: [Loud Michaelangelo style...] Cowabuuuuuaaaaiaiaiaiannnnga!! BOTS: Gah! CROW: Don't *do* that! > I went flying back into the culvert and landed by Splinter with a >loud thud. My eyes went wide with pain as a red lightning bolt of pain >shot up my entire left side. TOM: Must be just a bruise. Getting a rib fractured is more of an *orange* lightning bolt of pain. > My eyes closed and everything went dark as >the red light in my head left me. By now, Leo had turned his attention to >Splinter and TN. Just when all seemed lost, Splinter called out the same >words that TurtleNinja had a few moments ago. > "Kamika kashana!" BOTS: [singing] It's our Red Eye free...philosophy! Kamika kashana! >Leo's eyes rolled back into his head and he collapsed to the ice. MIKE: Oh...I'm sorry. "Dying" on the ice is currently against the rules for the Olympic Ice Dance. TOM: That's gonna cost him the gold. > TN turned >back to Splinter and my limp body as a sound in the reeds ahead caused her >to draw her Katana. > CROW: Splinter responded by drawing an Atlas, an Crockett, and a Quickdraw. >Chapter 8 >Splinter's Tale III > CROW: Revenge of the Return of... TOM: Of *crap!* >TurtleNinja turned towards the noise only to see an injured Turtana coming >towards her, arm broken and hanging limply at her side. MIKE: Good to see the arm injuries are coming along nicely! > Shredder came along >soon after, a large bruise on his forehead. TN quickly sheathed her Katana >and she noticed that Tur's eyes were full of surprise when she saw everyone >lying on the ice. > "What happened here, TurtleNinja?" she asked. CROW: Ice capades...gone...horribly wrong... > "The Eye. It knew that we were here and did this." TurtleNinja replied. > "But how did Leonardo get here? I thought that he was with Sashi in >Yumanan space." Shredder said skeptically. TOM: Ever hear of a *spaceship,* cans for brains? > "It doesn't matter. He's here, we're here, and the Eye's out there." >TN said softly, running over to Leo. She shook him gently, getting no >response. Reaching down to his neck, she felt for a pulse. There was one >and she whispered in his ear; CROW: [falsetto whisper] Leonardo... Leonardo... I'm the ghost of last week's pepperoni pizza... [falsetto aside] Yeah, that'll freak him out... > "Leonardo! Leonardo, get up this instant!" MIKE: [Leonardo] Gah! [cleaning out his ears] TOM: That's some *whisper!* >As if on command, Leo's eyes fluttered and then opened. TOM: [falsetto] Good boy! Now...heel... Heel...there's a boy! > He looked up at her, >disoriented and very confused. > "TurtleNinja, what are you doing here?" he asked. CROW: [falsetto] Oh, the laundry... *What* do you *think?* > "Never mind. You're here, we're here, and the Eye is gone." she said >softly, looking into Leo's eyes tenderly. > "What Eye? Whose eye?" ALL: [muted trumpet] Whaa, whaa, whaaaa... MIKE: Ah, the endless hilarity of awakening from an unconcious evil stupor. TOM: Never fails to amuse. > "Never mind. I'll tell you later." >TurtleNinja had forgotten how tough it was to remember what had happened >when the Eye possessed someone. Pulling Leo to his feet, TN looked around >for Raph and Donnie. CROW: Florence Turtlegail to the rescue! > She first found Donnie in the weeds, sprawled out on >shards of sharp ice. MIKE: She has a problem confusing "ice" with "glass," doesn't she? TOM: Tip, TurtleNinja: ice *melts.* > Gently turning him over onto his shell, TurtleNinja >found that he was uninjured exept for a small flesh wound above his left eye. >While TN was looking over Donnie, Leo had found Raph and was kneeling beside >him. Raph was facedown in the weeds and Leo gently turned him over, TOM: [crrrrrrriiiiccckkkk...!] CROW: Oh, shouldn't have done that...*there* goes his spine. > finding >a cut on his forehead, one he feared was deep. > "Raph? Raphael? Please, Raph, buddy, wake up!" Leo cried, sobbing softly. MIKE: Wow--he goes from He Man to Wimp Boy in 2.5 seconds! >He reached out and gently pressed his hand to the small cut. Quickly, he >pulled it back to find that his reptilian hand was covered with blood. [Number on screen: 18.] CROW: *Green* hand. >Raph's blood. He glanced over at Shredder, who was setting Turtana's arm and >putting it in a makeshift sling. MIKE: He's qualified to do that, right? TOM: Oh, yeah, definitely. Shredder went to medical school. Of course, that was only *after* he spent three years as a Navy Seal. I hear right now he's working on writing the great American crime novel! > Looking back at Raph, he leaned forward, >resting his head on Raph's limp body. By now, Donnie was awake and managed >to limp over to where Leo and Raph were. CROW: [Donatello] Hi, guys. Need an injured geek? > It appeared that he had sprained >his ankle when he had landed. Suddenly, they heard a soft moan. TOM: [Leonardo] Oh, TurtleNinja--for crying out loud, would you *knock off* the passion for just five minutes while my bones knit? > Not mine, >Raph's. MIKE: ... "Mine?" CROW: Yeah, narrator's knocked out again. MIKE: Oh. > Slowly, Leo pulled back from his brother and then helped him to sit >up, giving him a soft, all-knowing look that told Raph that he was going to >be okay. TOM: [Leonardo] Raphael, I'm God, and I'm going to heal you. > "Leo, you're back! What happened? Where's Michaelangelo?" he asked. > "Yeah, I'm back. I'm not sure what happened, but TurtleNinja has said >something about a Red Eye. And as for Mikey, I don't know where he is." Leo >replied. MIKE: [Leonardo] Though he might be floating above us, narrating... > Just then, a sharp gasp from Turtana, who was in the culvert, >caused them to come running. > "Michaelangelo!" >They all ran into the culvert to find my limp body next to Splinter. [All snicker.] CROW: Well, that's just about the dumbest *that's* gotten in a while. > Leo >reached down and felt for a pulse. I seemed to have one and TN went to check >on Splinter. He was barely conscious, but his eyes were open and he was >breathing. MIKE: Later, he would awaken from being unconcious. "Where am I?" he would ask. > With the help of Leo, Raph, and Donnie, TurtleNinja managed to >get Splinter and me back to the Sleeping Quarters. > >* * * > >Later, as they all gathered around a pizza, exept me, I was still >unconscious, [All laugh again.] TOM: No, Crow, you were wrong; *that's* much dumber. CROW: Well, safe to say that first person narration can't get much dumber than that. TOM: Well, we still have a few more pages left here. > Leo asked Splinter about what had happened. > "Master Splinter, what did TurtleNinja mean by the Eye? Did it have >something to do with what happened tonight?" Leo asked. > "Yes, it does. Perhaps it is time to tell you the full story." Splinter >said softly, taking a sip of his herbal tea. CROW: Annnnndd the story starts over from the beginning. MIKE and TOM: NOOOOOOO!! > "When you returned to Turtle Farm, I was just as surprised as your >brothers were, if not more. But you were very angry with me. When I looked >into your eyes, I saw the Red Eye in them, burning into me, ALL: [by rote] burning their hatred as if to burn me alive. > waiting to >destroy, waiting to burn me alive. TOM: Thank you. > As the Eye over took me, I let it burn >into me and I felt like I was dying." >Splinter continued with his story, each of them listening to it intently, CROW: [Michaelangelo] Except me. I was unconscious, and dreaming of Cindy Crawford. >especially Leonardo. Splinter thought of how hard it would be for Leo >to hear of all the evil that he had done, the pain that he would be feeling. > >* * * > >Meanwhile, at the shuttle, Sashi awaited Leonardo's return. It was >nearly midnight and he was not back. Sashi was very angry. MIKE: See Sashi wait. Wait, Sashi! Wait! > > What if they managed to capture him? No, that's impossible, Sashi >thought. Still... TOM: [falsetto] Still...it worked in the movies... > >Sashi thought about Leo endlessly as she paced the small sleeping quarters >of the shuttle. She was right. We had captured Leo, but the Eye had not left him. MIKE: Oh...oh... I call No Way on that! TOM: Yeah, they *did* this plot point already the *last* time they fought Leonardo on a snowmobile!! CROW: Did this story just lap itself, or what? > >* * * CROW: I say if this story is the same thing again, we use all the exact same riffs. TOM: Yeah--we'll give this story a taste of its own medicine; that's what! > > "And when I awoke, I found that I was near Turtle Farm, but I could >not get up to find out how close. I soon learned that I couldn't move most >of my limbs and that my fur was matted down with blood, water, and mud. >Yet, I had no memory of the past, but I could remember what happened >briefly after my capture. MIKE: Eventually, I became unconscious. Then, I awoke! > I lay there for what seemed like a few minutes, but >it must have been a few hours, for dusk quickly came and night soon followed. >I lay there, half-conscious, wondering why I was there. CROW: It could have been months, or even days, or even many many passages of the great firey orb above the plane of Earth, for the body needed less of the fetid food of dogs to sustain itself when in the captivity of the bowls of prison as was Grignr. > Suddenly, my old >girlfriend, Vivienne Sui, appeared, but I figured that she was just a >hallucination. MIKE: Whoa. CROW: *That's* different. TOM: Vivi-who? > At this point, I couldn't tell. TOM: Oh. > My head started to swim and >my eyes veiled over. I don't know what happened, perhaps I passed out. When >I came to, she was still there and she spoke my name, dream-like. > 'Yoshi.' MIKE: [squeaky voice] Mama Luigi! Mama Luigi! CROW: [Yoshi noise.] >I could see that she had what looked like a small blanket in her hands, >but something on it was moving. I looked closer. TOM: What, so Splinter's got an illegitimate son now? CROW: Wonder how *Jade* finds out about all this. > >* * * > > 'So, I have caught you at last, my defiant rat! TOM: [evil falsetto] And your little dog, too! > Now that you have gone >and betrayed me, you are of no use to me any longer. I will destroy you >here and now!' MIKE: Okay, when did Barbara Streisand get into this story? >Sashi snapped her fingers, siganling the tirjils nearby. CROW: [breathy] Gentlemen...it's massage time. > They came closer >until they were standing around me. Each one took turns in beating me MIKE: Oh, oh, my turn! CROW: [at various intervals] No, me! Me! TOM: I wanna bruise him! Can I? Can I? CROW: Sashi! You never let *me* have a turn...!! >until my body was covered with cuts, bruises, and I was bleeding badly. >My shoulder throbbed with pain and Sashi screamed before I briefly passed >out. But before I lost all consciousness, I felt a pair of warm, furry >hands lower me to the ground." TOM: So, he got rescued by Cookie Monster? > >Chapter 9 >Splinter's Tale IV > MIKE: Ran out of chapter titles. Sad, really. > "When I came to, I was barely breathing. Sashi and the tirjils had left, >they thought that I was dead. Suddenly, the steel door banged open and >another figure came in. CROW: [Splinter] It...it was Michael Jordan! I don't know how or why, but it *was!* > But this one was not a tirjil. When I looked up >and gave the figure a closer look, I found that it was a mutated rat. Not >like myself, but an overgrown sewer rat. TOM: So...in other words...*exactly* like yourself, seeing as how you are-- correct us if we are wrong here--an overgrown sewer rat. MIKE: The new one doesn't have martial arts training, though. TOM: Ah, right. > It scurried over to me and pushed >on my shoulders until I was on my back, staring at the titianium ceiling. >It then sniffed my face and shoulders, whiskers twitching. CROW: [mutant rat] Are you my mommy? > Then it sat on >its hind legs, staring at me intently. When I closed my eyes, it gave a >loud squeak and I felt something moving on me. Actually, it was more >like crawling. MIKE: [swatting at the air] Ah! Spiders! Spiders! Get 'em off! CROW: The flying elves are back!! > When I looked up, the big rat was gone, but now there was >a bunch of smaller ones crawling about me. TOM: Eeeewwww... > Soon, they were moving me, >but I slipped into unconsciousness before I could find out where. > >* * * > > "Once more, I awoke, confused. MIKE: [Splinter] I was getting used to it by now. > I was now on the icy ditch beneath the >culvert. The smaller rats were gone, but now the big one was in front of >me. It was as big as a dog, and the surprising thing was, it could speak. > 'Are you okay?' it asked, its voice almost like...Leonardo's. TOM: [snicker] They were too cheap to hire another *voice actor.* CROW: Keneda! > 'Yes. But why am I here?' I asked. > 'You will soon find out.' CROW: [Rat] Right after the complimentary continental breakfast. >The rat scurried off and left me alone. It didn't return until after >nightfall, when it was dark. It had a pack like the one Jade had on its >back MIKE: --teddy bear shaped-- > and I felt myself being dragged off the ice. Weeds and mud covered >my body and I realized why. TOM: [Splinter] Because there were weeds and mud everywhere. > The temperature had dropped and the weeds and >mud prevented me from freezing. It pulled the pack off its back and it >reached inside with a large, clawed, furry paw. CROW: The weeds and mud have a furry paw? > It withdrew a chunk of >cheese and a small bottle of milk. Since I could not move, it fed it to me. > 'Where did you get this?' I asked. > 'From a nearby dairy farm. They make so much, they don't miss it.' MIKE: [farmer voice] Well, I reckon I'll just get these last few buckets, and...what in tarnation? There's a giant rat milking Bossie! >This went on for many days until we ran out of cheese and milk. Then the rat >left for a refill. That's when I saw her. TOM: Her? Her who? Vivienne? Jade? Courtney Love? Who? > And that's when the pictures on >the blanket faded. CROW: He thought he was watching TV that whole time, and he was just staring at a blanket. What a maroon... > I was asleep, Vivienne was gone, and the blanket was draped >about my shoulders. But the rat had returned and I ate before I fell >asleep again. > >Final Chapter of the Red Eye Pentology [All cheer] TOM: [singing] Celebrate good times; come on! > >Legend Of The Red Eye 5: The Battle To End All Battles MIKE: [announcer] The bout of the cennnntury...!! > >By: TurtleNinja CROW: The author, the character, the legend. > >It was here that Master Splinter stopped. His eyes were misted over TOM: Hey! We had nothing to do with this. > and he >looked over at Leonardo. His head was down and Splinter knew that he was >crying. They all were. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Oh, sorry, dudes...I hope you all like fresh-cut onions on your pizza! > "Please continue, Master Splinter." Raphael said softly. >Splinter took another sip of his tea and continued with his horrifying story. > CROW: [Splinter] Then, after I got out of the gulag... >* * * > > "When I awoke, Michaelangelo was just running through the culvert. I >heard footsteps above and I knew that Leonardo had found him. Michaelangelo >stopped just on the other side, in the tall weeds, and Leonardo was in front >of him, Katanas drawn. MIKE: He does a nice quick gesture drawing with vine charcoal...you should take a look some time! Right there in Leonardo's sketchpad next to the flying contraption and all those backwards notes... > Suddenly, two tirjils leapt down from the road and >stood by Leonardo. That was when he saw me. > 'You? What are you doing here?' he asked. CROW: [Splinter] Umm...call of nature? TOM: [Splinter] I was looking around for a Dunkin Donuts! Want some coffee...? > 'Why, Leonardo? Why must you hurt Michaelangelo?' I asked. >One of the tirjils turned towards me, eyes glowing bright red beneath the >black mask. > 'Because our master says we must.' he said. CROW: Been here already. TOM: Re-riff! >His voice I could never forget. But yet, I knew that it couldn't be true. The >tirjils pulled off their masks and I found that I was right. I could tell from >the way that Michaelangelo jerked back suddenly that he was as surprised as I was. > 'Raphael! Donatello!' I cried. MIKE: [Splinter] Renassiance painters? *Here?* TOM: Yeah, all right! CROW: Mike, what is deja vu? [Mike baps him on the head.] >Just then, I felt another's presense nearby. Suddenly, someone leapt from the >road in front of Michaelangelo. When the amulet was raised, I knew who it >was. TurtleNinja. She aimed the amulet at Raphael and Donatello as she called out; > 'Kamika kashana!' CROW: Everybody now! ALL: [singing] It means no worries, for the rest of your days... >Almost immediately, the Red Eye left Raphael and Donatello's bodies >permanently and they started towards Leonardo, weapons drawn. MIKE: Aren't they supposed to act confused and disoriented? CROW: They don't care; they just really *hate* Leonardo. > Donatello >attacked first. TOM: [Donatello] *That's* for making me practice martial arts while I was trying to work on a nuclear pizza oven! > Leonardo quickly and easily disarmed him, sending his bo >flying into the yard of Turtle Farm. Donatello charged him and was thrown >into the weeds to the east. Raphael attacked and was just as easily disarmed. MIKE: Don't the Ninja Turtles ever attack more than one at a time? TOM: Wouldn't be fair, Mike. >Leonardo threw down his Katanas and threw Raphael into the side of the >culvert. CROW: Wow! Leonardo kicks ass! I know which turtle I want on *my* team. > He attacked us and Michaelangelo stepped in front of TurtleNinja, >hoping to block Leonardo's attack. He was thrown back into the culvert >onto the ice and then slipped into unconsciousness. MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Uhh...turtle power? > I then called out >the same words that TurtleNinja had just moments ago. > 'Kamika kashana!' CROW: Yo' mamma! >Leonardo's eyes rolled back into his head and he collapsed to the ice. >The Eye was gone. > MIKE: But...didn't Sashi say that then she could *re*win Leonardo, if... TOM: Yeah, but that was pages ago. Remember, we just had to rewatch an entire flashback. Now the story happens again. MIKE: Aaaa!! TOM: It's just endless torture with no real hope. I've gotten used to it. >* * * > >It was late, a few minutes after midnight, and we all went to bed. All >but Leo and Master Splinter. By now, I had awakened and felt refreshed. CROW: [Michaelangelo] Come on, guys, *I'm* up!! Anyone wanna play Yahtzee? >Even though everone else was asleep, including TN, I decided to follow Leo >and Splinter. I just knew that the Eye had not left him, but was merely >weakened. The Eye had grown so strong in him that even TurtleNinja's amulet >was of no use. There had to be another way... MIKE: Perhaps modern science would have the answer... CROW: [Michaelangelo] If I build a time machine... No, no, wouldn't want to tamper in God's domain. > and I was determined to find it. >I followed them to Splinter's study. > "Leonardo, my son. You have been gone for such a long time. Are you sure >that you're okay?" Splinter asked. TOM: [Splinter] Are you experiencing any headaches? Blurred vision? > "I have done something awfully wrong today, haven't I?" Leo asked. MIKE: If you count beating the rest of the team senseless as "something wrong," yeah... > "No. Why do you stand there, Leonardo, as if in shame? You've done nothing >wrong. The Eye made you do what you did. What you did today, can be made right." CROW: [Leonardo] So...what about what I did for those other 364 days? > "Uh-uh. It can't. I must not disobey. I must not disobey her." >Had I heard Leo right? He could not disobey her? > "What are you talking about, Leonardo? You are still my son, my most >faithful student." TOM: [Splinter] My beneficiary, even! > "You heard me. MIKE: [tough Leonardo] You *listen* to *me,* old man... > I cannot disobey her. I am Sashi's. I belong to her." >I had heard right. If only he would say more. CROW: More...about Sashi's sweet lips... About her caress... TOM: We love you, Sashi!! > "No. You are my son and my most faithful student. Tell me what is >troubling you." > "You are wrong! I am not your son and you will never be my father. MIKE: [Leonardo] You're a rat; I'm a turtle; face it; it just doesn't work! > Sashi >is the only one in my life now. You are nothing but a worthless sewer >rat!" Leo cried. CROW: So, Leo's talking to his agent? >Quickly, I snuck away back to my room to TurtleNinja. I had to tell her >what I had overheard. We would have to defeat the Eye soon, or lose >Leo...forever. MIKE: Given the trouble he's been, lately...would that *really* be so bad? CROW: Yes. He *kicks ass,* Mike! Didn't you *see* him up there? TOM: Well, they could look at this this way; they've lost Leonardo, but they gained the Shredder! > >Chapter 10 >Return To Yumana TOM: Yumana. Return again...for the first time. > >Early the next morning, I awoke. I looked over at TN and waited for her to >awaken. Immediately, she yawned and looked up at me. She awoke and looked >up at me, yawning softly. MIKE: [falsetto] Did you make my breakfast? CROW: [Michaelangelo, grumbling] Oh, it's like this *every time,* now, isn't it? Ten minutes of nasty and then I gotta make you *scrambled eggs.* > "Good morning, TurtleNinja." I said softly. > "So, are you ready to finally defeat the Red Eye, once and for all?" she >asked. > "Yeah. You bet your sweet shell I am." TOM: [falsetto] You...you really think it's sweet? Why, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me! >She slowly sat up when Turtana's cry rang throughout the Sleeping Quarters. > "Leonardo! He's gone!" >TurtleNinja and I flung aside our blankets and ran down the hall to Leo's >room, tying on our eyemasks as we ran. MIKE: You mean they were sleeping in the nude? CROW: No! Shield your eyes! > We burst through the door in Leo's >room, finding Turtana before an empty bed. It wasn't long after that >Splinter, Raphael, Donatello, Zenobia, CROW: Beavis, Butt-head, TOM: Luke Skywalker, MIKE: Tori Spelling, CROW: (That's the spirit!) Don Knotts, TOM: Jeneanne Garaffalo, MIKE: Zorak and the Original Way-Outs! CROW: Carol Channing, TOM: The Creepy Girl, MIKE: Yo' mama, > and Shredder burst in after us. > "What's wrong, Turtana?" Splinter asked. > "It's Leonardo. He's gone back to Yumana. Back to Sashi." > "Get dressed everyone. CROW: Put on your eye-masks and your kneepads! > We're going back to Yumana." TN said. > >* * * > >Meanwhile, Sashi and Leonardo were already on their way back to Yumana. >Sashi once again used the power of the Eye to cause Leonardo to slip into >unconsciousness. TOM: Why does it have to be so complicated? Why doesn't she just knock him out like that and take off his head? CROW: Well then who would feed the slug? > Once she had landed, she dragged Leo's limp body into the >cave. Deeper than she had before. She brought him to an underground lake >that led to nearby Pernia. She knew because she had swum that way >before. MIKE: "Had swum"? TOM: You just don't get the chance to see that construct in context very often. > Dressing in the uniform of a tirjil, she waited for Leonardo to wake >up. A few minutes later, Leo awoke. He looked around and then washed >his reptilian face in the lake. MIKE: Cambot, what's our tally? [Number on screen: 19.] CROW: We're going for twenty!! > That was when he noticed the tirjil >standing next to him. > "Who are you? What do you want?" Leo asked. MIKE: [Leonardo] If you're looking for coffee, it's over on the stove. > "You know who I am. But I want nothing from you. TOM: Except... your soul. Mwa ha ha ha!! > Follow me." >Sashi motioned for Leonardo to follow her into the lake. Leo dove in >after her and through the waters of the lake. MIKE: Imagine that: she says "go jump in the lake," and he does it. > Soon, they surfaced and >Sashi reached up and removed her mask. > "Sashi, what do you want?" > "Like I said, CROW: [falsetto] Your soul! Aren't you paying attention? > nothing." >But she did want something. She wanted him to be destroyed. A few >minutes before they left, she released the slug in the plaza of Pernia. TOM: --right next to the Starbucks. >She once again motioned for Leo to follow her and he followed because of >the Eye. Once he was in the plaza, and he saw the slug, he froze. But >Sashi merely increased the power of the Eye MIKE: [slight accent] No! Not to fifty!! > and Leo walked up to the slug. > >* * * > >Meanwhile, we were in the TurtleNinja and well on our way to Yumana >and the city of Pernia. TOM: Apparently, the only city *on* Yumana. > We landed softly and silently just outside of >Pernia and arrived just in time to see Leo walk up to the slug. Sashi >was watching from afar and aimed a long-range arrow at TN. CROW: [snicker] As opposed to a "short-range" arrow. > I looked up >in time to see her aim the arrow and knocked TurtleNinja aside. The >arrow whizzed by as the slug bent down towards Leonardo. I could see the >fear in Leo's eyes as he realized what was going to happen. MIKE: Oh no. Bannanarama's not going to reform, are they? > Sashi had now >turned her attention back to the slug and Leo as I pulled TN to her feet. >All of a sudden, the slug moved towards Leo and swallowed him whole in >the blink of an eye. MIKE: [Homer Simpson] Mmmmm... Turtle... > TurtleNinja screamed and then turned to Shredder, >saying; TOM: [falsetto] Oh, well! Boyfriend's dead! Your turn! > "You've gotta do something! The slug cannot eat both you and Leonardo. >It'll throw up. Do it for Leo. Do it for...me." [Assorted snickering and laughter.] > she said pleadingly, >running up to him and throwing her reptilian arms around his neck. [Number on screen: 20] CROW: Hey, we've got twenty! Twenty "reptilian"s! >Shredder, unaccustomed to TurtleNinja's sudden affection, TOM: No kidding? > flushed >slightly and said; > "Well, I don't know. Are you sure of this?" MIKE: Did you turn off the iron before we left Earth? > "Yes. Remember our peace agreement? Remember how we're all in this >together until the Eye is defeated?" > "Yes. Turtana, do you still have your hoverboard? I'll need it to >get to the slug." CROW: What...wha-- her *hoverboard?* TOM: [Shredder] TurtleNinja, do you still have that plot contrivance handy? > "Yeah." >He took her hoverboard and took off across the plaza. We watched as >the hoverboard lifted him up to the level of the slug's head. MIKE: Hey--it's just like the second Back to the Future movie! CROW: Only McFly's wearing some heavy metal. > We watched >as he then leapt into the slug's mouth and the hoverboard fell to the >ground. We all waited for the slug's reaction. TOM: Michael J. Fox is a rather interesting choice to cast as the Shredder. > It was only a few seconds >before the slug began to heave up its meal. MIKE: Look out; she's gonna blow! > Then, suddenly, it bent >down and opened its mouth. Leo and Shredder came sliding out on a wave >of disgusting slime. ALL: Eeeeeewwww....yuuuuckkk... [etc] > TurtleNinja quickly raised the amulet, called out the >incantation, TOM: Inna Godda Divida! > and released the slug from the Eye's power. The slug >shook its head and then turned towards Sashi. Before it could move, TN >and I moved Leo and Shredder's bodies out of its way. TurtleNinja then >used a small hand towel to wipe the slime from Leonardo's reptilian face. [Number on screen: 21] MIKE: You know she was prepared enough to follow the advice in the Hitchhiker's Guide. >A few seconds later, he gasped and came around. He looked up at TN, >very confused. > "TurtleNinja? Is that you?" he asked. > "Yes, Leonardo. It's me." TurtleNinja said, allowing Leonardo to bury >his face in her chestplate. CROW: Eww...they're gettin' slug-puke everywhere! TOM: I bet that smells devine. > We looked over at Shredder, who was still >unconscious. Splinter reached down to his neck and felt for a pulse. MIKE: [Splinter] Well, he's dead, so, guess we really don't have anything to worry about! How cool is *that?* > "He's got a pulse, he made it." Splinter said. >Sashi's sudden scream made us turn around. The slug had just swallowed >her alive. TOM: No! No! Not Sashi! CROW: TN just killed off the only character with any literary value! > TN turned towards the slug and called out; > "Release her, she did not mean to harm you." >Surprisingly, the slug did as she asked. MIKE: What? CROW: [Shredder] Oh, *that's* convenient, TurtleNinja...you couldn't have told it to do that *before*? > Sashi landed in a wet heap on the >ground and several townspeople ran over to her to make sure that she was >okay. TOM: Rubberneckers quickly arrived on the scene. > It appeared that the slug had sucked the Red Eye from their bodies >and allowed their true selves to go back. MIKE: Ah--so *that's* the answer! TOM: Well, seems like to combat the Red Eye, we all have to get eaten by a giant slug. CROW: But I don't wanna combat the Red Eye! I think it's pretty cool! > TurtleNinja left Leonardo to >check on Shredder. She managed to wipe the slime from his face and waited >for him to wake up. While she was doing this, I went over to Leo and said; MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Hey, man, I know it's not the time, but...about that five bucks you owe me? Oh, and, by the way, I stole your girlfriend. > "Welcome back, bro. We missed you." >A sudden coughing noise to my right caused me to turn towards TN and >Shredder. He had awakened and TurtleNinja was helping him to sit up. CROW: [Shredder] Wh--why do I have this sudden urge to board a DeLorian and travel into the Old West? >The Legend of the Red Eye was over, the Eye was now gone forever. > "Hey everyone, it's been great, but we've got to get back home." MIKE: [falsetto] You've been a great audience, really...we love you... Yumanans are the best people. > TN said >to the townspeople as we boarded the TurtleNinja. Our battle was finally over. > TOM: So...naturally, we were just going to continue with the narration. >Epilogue > > "And when you were in the slug's system, the Eye was sucked out of you. >The rest, you know." TurtleNinja said. The ride home in the TurtleNinja was >spent telling Leo of all that had happened while he was possessed by the Eye. MIKE: Of course, you could always be reposESSed by the Eye...facilitiating the need for more story. BOTS: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! MIKE: [laugh] Just kidding. TOM: You *hope.* >He had a slightly difficult time understanding, CROW: [Leonardo, stupid] Sooo...what's an eye, again? > but he was ashamed when he >did fully understand. When we arrived home, we gathered our things from the >TurtleNinja and went back to our rooms. But Leo felt that he had a lot of >explaining to do. He was really upset after hearing Splinter's story and was >really upset at all the evil he had done. TOM: And he was really, *really* upset when I told him that TurtleNinja was having my baby, but, well, what are you going to do? > But that's Leo for you. CROW: A complete hosebag. > A leader >through and through. > "Guys, I'm really sorry. You must hate me now. I don't know how I can make >it up to you all." Leo said softly. TOM: [falsetto] Build statues of us and worship. > "You don't have to." TN said. > "Yeah. You don't have to." Donatello, Raphael, and I said simultaneously. MIKE: [Donatello] You owe me a coke! > "You really don't. What you did this past year to us can be made right. MIKE: We can just wipe the fan-fic right off our hard drive! BOTS: Yee-ha! >You are still my most faithful student, no matter what happens." Splinter >said softly. > "Well, I must go. It's been great." Shredder said. CROW: [Shredder] ...but I gotta get back to the rest of the Keaton family... >But before any of us could turn to him, he was gone and the only sound left >was that of the front door banging shut. Leo gave TurtleNinja and I an >all-knowing smile that told us that he understood. MIKE: Shredder's going to be evil again! BOTS: [cheer] > We had stopped the Red Eye >just in time. > TOM: --for dinner. >* * * > >Later that night, I heard voices in TN and Leonardo's room. As it was >before the Eye, Leo and TurtleNinja were talking late at night. CROW: Just talking. That's how it always was. They talked. They never actually *did* anything; they just talked. They were pathetic and it showed. > "TN, I wish that this didn't have to happen. I can't believe that I >wanted to kill you, Splinter, and Michaelangelo. I just can't believe it." >Leo said. MIKE: I can't believe I ate the *whole* thing. > "Don't worry. It's all over now and you're back." she said softly. >Leo understood all that had happened in this past year and wished that he >could make it up to her. Finally, after a bit of silence, Leo said; > "It's over, TurtleNinja. It's finally over." TOM: Yay...! CROW: No, no...wait... > "Yeah. It's over, and I still love you." she said softly. MIKE: Ya-hoo! CROW: Nope... hang on... >After awhile, TN whispered; > "It's over, Leonardo. The ancient legend of the Red Eye is finally over." CROW: Okay, now! [All cheer.] > >The Legend Of The Red Eye Is Concluded. [Cheers and tears.] CROW: We did it! We did it; oh my God, we finally made it! TOM: Bless you, Mike! We're all alive! MIKE: [picking Tom up] Can you believe, we did it... CROW: Hooray! [*...2...3...4...5...6] [SoL Bridge] MIKE: Well, it's over. CROW: That's right, Mike, the Legend of the Red Eye is finally over. TOM: We did it, and it's over. MIKE: It's over and we're doing fine. [Mike hits the Mads button] MIKE: Hey, guess what, the Legend of the Red Eye is finally over! CROW: It's totally and completely...over. [Deep 13] SHAO KAHN: That's what *you* think, mortals! But have you forgotten? We still have the small matter of the Red Eye...within *you!* [SoL. A slight pause.] MIKE: Oh, yeah. CROW: Plum forgot. [Deep 13] SHAO KAHN: And just to prove my mastery over all evil... [Pearl enters, leading in...Sashi (portrayed in an ill-fitting Ninja Turtle costume)! The ladies wave.] [SoL] CROW: Whoo-hoo! It's Sashi!! TOM: Hunka hunka burnin' *evil!* [Deep 13] SASHI: [over-dramatically] That's right, my little friends. And because of my Red Eye, I now have control over your thoughts...your actions... your very *being!* Mwa ha ha! Now...you will do whatever I say... [SoL.] ALL: [trance-like] We will do whatever Sashi says... [Deep 13.] SASHI: Very good, my little minions... [Three villains laugh maniacally. There is a knock at the door.] PEARL: Clayton, would you get that, dear? [Dr. Forrester walks onscreen, and over to the door, grumbling to himself. He opens the door to reveal...] GRIGNR: [leaping dramatically into the room] Ah! Vile dogs! Be stolid, for I Grignr have arrived for to destruct and smite thee to the bowls of someplace much like the direst of hells! SASHI: [turns around for a second] Say what? GRIGNR: For thou hast the Red Eye of Argon, finest of glowing red emeralds, and jewel for to bedeck on the beard of Mrifk! By mine soward, thou shalt be punsihed! [All the bad guys blink, not fully undertanding the speech. Suddenly, Grignr attacks Sashi with his sword. With a quite audible "Snikt," Sashi engages her "claw-weapons" and a fight ensues.] [SoL. Mike and the Bots stand staring straight ahead. Enter Gypsy.] GYPSY: Hi, guys, what's up? MIKE: We must obey Sashi. GYPSY: Really? That's swell... Hey...wait a minute! Have you boys been possessed by an evil force again? TOM: [non-chalantly] We must obey Sashi. GYPSY: [sigh] Hang on. [Exits.] [Deep 13. Sashi and Grignr battle on, both spouting cliches from their respective stories. Forrester, Pearl, and Shao Kahn are watching the fight; no one is making any move to help anyone.] SHAO KAHN: Ah...reminds me of the good old days back in Outworld... barbaric tournaments... all that fun stuff. [SASHI in the background din: Your hatred...it burns into me!!] PEARL: Yeah, it's something else, isn't it? SHAO KAHN: You know what? I think that maybe that really still is my calling. I should just leave the bad fan-fic up to you nice evil folk. You seem to be pretty good at it. [GRIGNR in the background din: Fowl wench! Mine sword shalt turn thine own destruction against thyself!] FORRESTER: Well, that's mighty nice of you to say! It has been a long, strange trip... [SoL. Re-enter Gypsy, wearing a necklace with a plastic-looking "ruby" eye on it.] GYPSY: Umm...lemme see here... Una paloma blanca! No, wait... Kamika kashana! [Bad light-burst effect over the faces of Mike and the Bots.] MIKE: [shaking himself off] What...what happened? TOM: Where are we? CROW: What's going on? GYPSY: You guys got posessed by an evil force again. MIKE: But...is... CROW: Did we read "The Legend of the Red Eye Pentology"? GYPSY: Guess so. TOM: Did...did it *end?* GYPSY: Must have. MIKE: But I... CROW: I don't remember it! I don't remember a full half of it! TOM: *YES!* We don't have to remember all of the Red Eye Pentology! MIKE: Think of the pain we've just been spared! The suffering that's been avoided! CROW: We don't have to hold that terrible thought in our skulls! [Deep 13. The Mads have been eavesdropping on the SoL and now completely ignore the fight.] PEARL: Youuuuu *WHAT?*? [SoL.] CROW: We don't remember most of the "Red Eye Pentology." [Deep 13.] PEARL: [outraged] That's it! You march back into that theater *right now,* and... FORRESTER: Mom...it's okay. Reading the first half of that story is just like reading the last half... I've been doing some extra work on the fan-fic and sensitive scientific instruments are completely unable to tell seperate chapters apart. Making them read it again would just be a waste of our time... [SASHI in background din: I sense your true self fighting back!] PEARL: [frustrated] Grrrrr... [At SoL gang:] Why you little... SHAO KAHN: [with his bags packed and slung over his shoulder] Bye, guys! FORRESTER: Bye! Stay evil! PEARL: Bye! Umm... what was I saying? Oh. Why you little... [The combatants in the background begin to back closer to the Mads. GRIGNR: By your fetid soul, this plane, as all planes under the ball of fire, shall be ridded of your heart of blackest tar!] PEARL: ...Little cheats...you miscreants... FORRESTER: [pointing out that the battle has backed up too far] Um, mother... PEARL: Not now! [SASHI nearing the Mads: I will put you under my command!] PEARL: [at the SoL crew] I'll see you in pain yet! I'll make you... [Sashi rams into her from behind, and the camera jostles sideways] Aaaaa! [SoL] MIKE: Uh...are you okay down there? Hello? Deep 13, come in? Well, guys, looks like they're having some difficulties down there. CROW: [mock-serious] Darn. GYPSY: So, anybody up for some pizza? [Exeunt.] [Deep 13. Shao Kahn comes in, viewed sideways through the downed camera.] SHAO KAHN: Sorry...forgot my keys...Umm... [He notices the general carnage. Shrugs, grabs his keys, then walks over and pushes the button.] \ | / \ | / \|/ ---O--- Fwshhhh! /|\ / | \ / | \ MST3K and all its characters, settings, situations, etc, are Copyright Best Brains. This MiSTing is not endorsed by Best Brains in any way shape or form, but, as always, feel free to distribute it! Just keep it and this annoying text intact. Mail me at SamusStar@aol.com, or at flower@bgnet.bgsu.edu. Yes, I am the Amanda Flowers that wrote those depressing Gargoyles fan-fictions. I like to hope they're not particularly MST-able. Many thanks due first and foremost to TurtleNinja, who allowed me to make this great scar on her epic story... Many thanks also to those of you who enjoyed and distributed my original MSTing of the "Mortal Kombat Crossover" and gave me the confidence to tackle something like this! Many thanks to Adam Cadre, whose Fwshhhh I stole, again, and also to Jim Theis from whom I borrowed Grignr... I do rip a bit into a couple other classics in this MSTing, so thanks to Ratliff and Gonterman as well. Thanks to Matthew Blackwell, who provided a goodly amount of these riffs as well as E-mailed me reminding me this MSTie still existed. (Sorry, I know it would have been really really cool to have Gypsy save the bots by EATING them, but it just didn't work in print.) And thanks to the people that made MST3K to begin with; we love you guys! >The starship had no name, and badly needed one. TN immediately thought of >a name for it, since it was going to be her ship. She called it the >TurtleNinja, honoring all of us.