In the very distant future: 195 After Colony, there were some folks on Earth, very different from you and me. They were put away for making too much racket just a couple of kids locked up in strait jackets they did a good job messing up the place but their doctors didn't like them, so they shot them into space! (Celia: "THIS FREAKIN' SUUUUUUCKS!!") "We'll send them cheesy fan fics, the worst we can find!" (lalala!) They'll have to sit and watch them all, and we'll monitor their minds!" (lalala!) Now keep in mind they can't control when the fanfic begins or ends; they'll try to keep their insanity no matter what the doctors send... (Mental case role call!) Celia! ("Bite me!") Sally! ("Woohoo!") Drex! ("BOOOOMswack!") (they have no other friends!!!) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, and other science facts, (lalala!) then repeat to yourself it's just a show, I should really just relax, for Mystery Fanfic Theater 3000... (TWANG!) ---------- Drex - [27, tall, with green eyes and shoulder length blond hair, which at the moment is messy. He looks at first as if he might be dangerous, and probably popular with girls.] (stumbling into room:) First one to hear the wake up alarm? Well that sucks. I wonder what's for breakfast... Sally - [28, tall, somewhat wiry, with hazel eyes and waist length black hair with a small streak of silver on one side, and long bangs. Doesn't appear to be from this century.] (enters room wrapped in a black kimono:) Breakfast? What's in the fridge? Drex: You think we'll get a fanfic today? Sally: I hope not. I sort of wanted to just hang out. Celia - [25, fairly tall with cinnamon hair and blue eyes. She wears flannel jammies and obviously hates being woken up early. She has a pretty, perfectly proportioned face, and something about her eyes says "the child ain't right."] (enters main cabin:) Too bad we can't have pizza delivered. Man! It sucks getting up this early! Drex: Uh oh. Celia & Sally: Hn? Drex: Looks like the doc is calling. Sally: *Sigh!* Drex: Oh stop it. You know that means we're getting a fanfic. Celia: (switches on holo image) [annoyed] Okay, what? Dr. Forrester: Well good morning, my little chickadees. Drex: (mumbling) I'm not a chickadee... Dr. Forrester: Today's experiment is another Final Fantasy VII fanfic. All: NOOOOO! Dr. Forrester: Yes, a delectible little tale. Are you all familiar with the term "lemon?" All: (Going pale) *Gulp!* Dr. Forrester: Oh yes, and one more thing... You can rip this to your twisted little hearts' content... but mark my words, children. The first one of you who utters the phrase "tastes like chicken," will have to watch it all over again. Alone. All: NOOOOOO! Sally: Even me, Dr. Forrester? Dr. Forrester: (Sadly, yet sadistically) Yes, dear Sally. Even you. Celia: Oh stop it already. Can we just get this over with? Dr. Forrester: If that's what you truly want, Celia. Here it is for you to savor: "Revelations!" (Dr. Forrester's holo image fades out) Celia: Crapola! We have fanfic sign! All: AAAAAAAH! ---------------------------- (After the mayhem of fanfic sign, they all file into the theater, still in pajamas, and eating M&M's.) Drex: This is going to bite the big one, isn't it? Celia: It's going to suck. Sally: It's going to suck the big rigid one of satan. Drex: You know, something's telling me we should rephrase all that... Celia: Uh oh, it's starting. >>Jesus "Jesse" Zamora Celia: JEEsus Jesse Zamora, what have you done?! >MAIN EMAIL:Jjz_ranma@hotmail.com >>EMERGENCY EMAIL:Jjz_ranma@rocketmail.com Celia: ...I'm just wondering how an emergency email works. Is there an alarm or something when an email comes through that address? >>_________________________________________________________________ >><> Thought sequences. Sally: That implies thought. I'm not buying it. >>[] Special in-speech notes, such as movements. Drex: And since this is a lemon, there's bound to be a few of those. >>* Words needing explanation. Drex: Boat. Sally: Rock. Celia: Pencil. >>[*:] Eplanation of * Drex: I hope someone's writing all this down. >>() Soundtrack information. >>-- -- Character limit skill/magic spell/martial arts technique. Celia: I shall now perform --DRUNKEN MASTER TECHNIQUE!-- >>I'm sure plenty of FFVII fics have come out since the game's release. Drex: Right. So there's no need for another one. END! >>Now, for something a little sicker... Sally: "And now for something completely different." >>The heterosexual readers are gonna beat me down for this one. Sally: In your wettest, wildest dreams... >>i can feel the welts now. Drex: I'll just bet you can. >>TIMELINE - Toward the end of the game. Cloud is facing human Sephiroth >>alone after the defeat of Savior-Sephiroth. Flashbacks will be set by the >>characters. Celia: Huh? Sally: Wouldn't it be easier to just, I don't know, WRITE?!?!? >>SETTING - The story itself takes place in an endless darkness. Drex: In the author's head. >>Cloud and Sephiroth are facing eachother, swords at the ready. Flashbacks >>will be set by the characters. Sally: Yeah. So you've mentioned. >>_________________________________________________________________ Drex: Well I have to say, that is a really impressive straight line up there. >> ******** ******** * * ******* ******* >> * * * * * * >> ******** ******** * * * * >> * * * * * * >> * * * * * * >> * * * ******* ******* >> Final Fantasy VII : REVELATION. >> A Final Fantasy VII fanfic by Jesus "Jesse" Zamora. Drex: We KNOW, okay?! Celia: In case we forgot. Nice, big letters too. >> Based on characters and situations form "Final Fantasy VII" >> by Squaresoft. >>Cloud and Sephiroth look at one another, waiting for the other to make his >>move; Celia: *Sephiroth* (polite) "You go first, Cloud." Sally: *Cloud* (polite) "No no no, YOU go!" Celia: *Sephiroth* (polite) "No, I must insist, YOU go." Sally: *Cloud* (polite) "After you!" Drex: Alright, that's enough of that. >>Cloud's shirt is soaked all the way through from sweat and Sephiroth's >>trim, muscular bare chest glimmers, even in this darkness. Sally: (Facevault) Drex: Which darkness again? Celia: This darkness. Drex: Thanks. I forgot which darkness for a second. >>CLOUD:>I hope he doesn't have the energy for another Super Nova. That'll tear me >>apart!> Celia" *Cloud* "By jove, I do believe that would go rather badly for me." >>An evil, mocking grin appears on Sephiroth's lips. All: *Sephiroth* "MMMUAHAHAHAHA!" Celia: (Deep voice) HU-HU-HU-HU-HU-HU! Sally & Drex: (stare at Celia) >>SEPHIROTH[cooly]:What are you feeling, Cloud? Celia: *Cloud* "Nothing, I swear! I just have my hand in my pocket, okay?" Drex: *Sephiroth* "Little bit of pocket pool there, ClodBoy?" >>Cloud is shocked by that statement and lowers his blade slightly. Sally: *Cloud* "Pocket pool? Me? Never!" >>CLOUD[indignant]:What?! All: CHICKEN BUTT! >>SEPHIROTH:What are you feeling? About me. Celia: He's talking to us, isn't he? Sally: Yeah. He wants us. >>CLOUD:How can you ask that question!? How can you ask after you destroyed >>my home? [voice trembling] How can you ask after killing Aeris!? Drex: *Sephiroth* "Oh yeah I did kind of do that, didn't I? Oh well, never mind then." >>SEPHIROTH:There was once a time we were far closer... Celia: "There was a time, then it allll went wrong..." >>CLOUD[enraged]:Bullshit! All: Ooooh! Sally: Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? On second thought, don't answer that. >>SEPHIROTH:I'm not talking about the Jenova-induced "memory" you had of >>being in SOLDIER. You and I were far closer. Drex: *Sephiroth* "We shared a toothbrush once." Sally: *Cloud* "LIES!" Celia: Cloud kills Sephiroth, Sephiroth kills him back! All: END! >>Cloud raises his sword again. Sally: "The Black Knights always triumph! Have at you!" >>CLOUD:Why should I believe you! Celia: *Sephiroth* "Because I'm a stud!" Sally: *Cloud* "Oh yeah. Okay then." >>SEPHIROTH[ignoring Cloud's last statement, his voice filled with >>amusement]:We were lovers. Drex: *Cloud* "You're right, that IS amusing! AHAHAHA!" Sally: *Cloud* "What a knee slapper! Hehehehe!" Celia: (deep voice) HU-HU-HU-HU-HU-HU! Drex&Sally: (Stare at Celia) >>Cloud's battle aura rises from him, a blinding golden light. Drex: Or maybe it was just gas. >>CLOUD[hate and fury seething through his voice]:First I'm a clone and now >>I'm WHAT!? Celia: A ferret! Drex: A minotaur! Sally: A newspaper vending machine! >>I never loved anyone save Aeris! >>SEPHIROTH:So you say. >>CLOUD:LIAR! [Leaps at Sephiroth] Drex: *Cloud* "Ribbit!" >>--OMNISLASH!!-- >>Cloud's sword moves like lightning as he slashes Sephiroth with it's >>maneacing blade, Drex: His BLADE was menacing? Sally: With it is menacing blade. Drex: Huh? Sally: Nothing. Subtle syntax thing, that's all. >>over and over and over again, Celia: *Sephiroth* "Ow quit it. Ow quit it. Ow quit it." >>blood spilling on his hair and face and tears falling from his eyes. >>His hands begin bleeding, then he stops and jumps into the air, >>his blade held behind him. Drex: *Cloud* "Hikeeba!" >>CLOUD:DIE, YOU FUCKING MONSTER! Celia: *Roman Maroni* "This fargin country was founded so that peaceful, law abiding citizens, like me, could not have their rights taken away by a bunch of fargin iceholes, like yourselves. Thank you." Sally: *Roman Maroni* "You fargin corksuckers. I gonna cut off you arms, I gonna shove em up you icehole!" Drex: *Jocko Dundee* "What a mouth on that guy!" Celia... Well... that was abstract. Drex: But fun! >>As soon as Cloud's sword hits its target, a blinding light spills out from >>Sephiroth's body. Drex: It's the Pink Floyd Laser Show! >>Cloud covers his eyes, but the light reaches them anyway. >>CLOUD: Celia: Acid flashback? >>Suddenly, a place appears out of nowhere, a field just some distance from a >>town. Drex: In a world where a place exists that is a field some distance from a town somewhere... Celia: I think the author should be more vague. >> In that field sits a truch, Drex: Yeah? What's a truch? Celia: Some kind of yard gnome or something. Sally: I saw a yard gnome once. It didn't scare me. >>in front of which is Celia: the Easter Bunny! >>a young man in the all-blue jumpsuit and mask of a Shinra trooper. Celia: Oh. Never mind. >>CLOUD VOICE-OVER:Nibelheim? What's going on? Why am I seeing this now?? Drex: To advance the plot, or something. >>The boy takes off his blue mask to reveal the face of a seven-years-younger >>Cloud. >>CLOUD V-O:Me!? Is this the Nibelhiem of... Then? >>FLASHBACK CLOUD:Where the hell are Celia: *Cloud* "my Winnie the Pooh undies?" >>Sephiroth and Zack? We gotta get to town before nightfall! Drex: *Cloud* "Or my head's going to turn into a pumpkin!" >>[worried] I hope he's okay... >>Suddenly, something appears in the distance; Celia: A scotsman on a horse. >>two men, one in all black with long aqua blue hair [Flashback Sephiroth], Sally: Thanks for pointing that out the easy way, as opposed to just letting us know through, I don't know, creative writing?!? Drex: Calm down, Sally. Sally: I will probably have to self detonate before the end of this fic, you know. >> and the other in dark purple, his dark black hair in a sharp spiky style. >>The man in black has the head of a dragon in his hands. Celia: *Dragon* "Um, do you mind?" >>F. CLOUD:Sephiroth! Zack! Drex: *Sephiroth* "Zack! Cloud!" Celia: *Zack* " Cloud! Sephiroth!" Sally: Dr. Scott! Janet! Brad! Dr. Scott! Janet! Brad! Drex: A little obscure, don't you think? Sally: (shrugs) >>ZACK[DARK-HAIRED MAN]:Hi Cloud! >>F. Sephiroth:Cloud. You should be in the truck. Sally: *Sephiroth* "Instead, where do we find you? Wandering around by this truch!!" >>F. CLOUD[contrite]:I'm... Sorry. Sally: *Cloud* "I'm naughty. WAAAH!" >>F. Sephiroth's eyes narrow as he sees a tear running down F. Cloud's cheek. Drex: *Sephiroth* "Now I have to spank you." Celia: You know, in this context, that's not even funny. Drex: Point taken. >>F. SEPHIROTH[walking over to F. Cloud, speaking gently]:I don't say it to >>criticize you, Cloud. I just don't want to lose you. Sally: *Sephiroth* "You know how you tend to get lost when we let you wander outside of the truck." Celia: *Sephiroth* "And you know how aggressive these truches can be this time of year." >>[He gently takes one of F. Cloud's hands and kisses it]. [Voice misty] >>Don't ever forget that, my Cloud. [brings his face to F. Cloud's and gently >>licks the tear off his cheek]. Drex: *Sephiroth* "I really should have more salt in my diet..." >>F. CLOUD:Seph... Sephiroth-kun... >>Zack stands behind them, his eyes rolling inside his head. Sally: Because he was prone to siezures... Drex: No, he's a slot machine! Celia: Lemons! Oh... never mind. >>CLOUD V-O:What the hell!? Drex: If only one of us could answer that question for you. >>The scene is again covered by blinding light. Sally: But was it wrapped up like a douche? Celia: Another boner in the night? >>CLOUD V-O:What was that? That HAS to be an illusion. >>The light fades away, revealing Drex: Santa Claus! >>a hallway in the 2nd floor of the Nibelheim inn, Drex: Oh. Never mind. >> overlooking the town outside. F. Sephiroth is looking out the window >>grimly. Celia: *Sephiroth* "Someday I should burn this freaking town to the ground..." >>CLOUD V-O:What is he showing me? Drex: Hand shadow puppet shows? Sally: (Makes a shadow puppet of a bird) Celia: (Makes a shadow puppet of a bunny) Drex: (Makes a shadow puppet of his middle finger) >>F. SEPHIROTH:Jenova... I know you're near. Somehow I know you're here... >>F. Cloud enters the hallway from the right and walks over to F. Sephiroth. Sally: He walks over to eff Sephiroth? Drex: Read on... >>F. CLOUD[softly]:Sephiroth-kun...? >>F. SEPHIROTH:... [suddenly looks at F. Cloud, wide-eyed, as though he just >>noticed him]... Cloud? Drex: *Sephiroth* "Is that you? For a second there you looked like Mel Torme!" >>F. CLOUD:Are you thinking about your mother? >>F. SEPHIROTH[scandalized]:NO!... Drex: *Sephiroth* "Just thinking about how I was going to go on a wild rampage, kill your future girlfriend and burn this town... Oh! I mean, yes I was thinking about my mother. You got me." >>[calmer, sadly] Yes... Sally: *Sephiroth* "Yes! No! Maybe! Splunge!" >>F. CLOUD[reassuringly]:Stop that, sweetie. You've had your mother on your >>mind since we headed out of Midgar! Drex: And you made more madness many times in Maine, Massachussettes and something else tha starts with "M!" >>F. SEPHIROTH:I know, but... Celia: *Sephiroth* "...it beats the hell out of talking to you the whole way." >>F. CLOUD:Listen, my heart. [Puts a hand on F. Sephiroth's shoulder] Drex: What's Cloud's heart doing in Sephiroth's shoulder? >>I know it must be hard not having your mother around, Celia: *Cloud* "to change your didey and things like that..." >>but you have to go on. Believe me, she'd be so proud of you. >>[leans over and kisses F. Sephiroth on the lips]. >>F. SEPHIROTH[blushing]:... Cloud... Sally: *Sephiroth / Beaky Buzzard* "Duuhhhh..." >>F. Cloud smiles seductively, looking F. Sephiroth's physique over intently. Sally: (Looking Sephiroth's physique over intently) Drex: Close your mouth, Sally. Sally: Sorry. >>F. CLOUD[alluring]:Besides, you still have me to love. [Kisses F. >>Sephiroth on the ear]. I'll be your mother Celia: Ain't right, I tell you. >>[kisses him again, this time on the cheek], your father [kisses him on the >>other cheek], Drex: Err... define "other cheek," please?! >>your son [kisses him on the neck], Drex: *Cloud* "Of course if I'm going to be your parents and children and still have sex with you we WILL have to move to Arkansas..." >>your friend... I'll be your everything... [kisses him on the lips] Celia: *Cloud* "Your cousin... your penpal... your best friend's roomate... your auntie... your green grocer... your dentist... your proctologist..." Drex: Celia! Damnit! >>F. SEPHIROTH:I never doubted, Cloud-chan... [Kisses F. Cloud on the lips, >>gently pushing his tongue into the younger man's mouth] Drex: *Cloud* "MMPH!" >>F. CLOUD[holding F. Sephiroth's kiss]:MMMmmmmmmmmmm... Celia: *Cloud* "Mmmmnumnumnumyum sluuuuurp..." Sally: *Cloud* "Did you have Taco Bell for lunch?" >>F. Sephiroth begins to unbutton F. Cloud's uniform, exposing his exquisitly >>sculpted chest. Drex: Who sculpted it? Sally: Squaresoft. >>F. SEPHIROTH:MMmmmmm.... [Breaks off his kiss]. You're so beautiful, >>Cloud... [Starts licking F. Cloud's neck gently, moving his tongue like a >>feather]... Celia: He's moving his tongue like a feather? Why can't I picture that? Drex: Um, because you're sane? Celia: I am? Drex: Oh yeah. Never mind. >>F. CLOUD:Uuhhhhhh.... Let's get into a room... Sally: How about the Oval Office? >>F. SEPHIROTH:Why can't we stay here...? [massages F. Cloud's chest slowly >>with his massive, rough hands] Drex: He has to stop using that harsh Mako dishwashing soap. >>F. CLOUD:AAahhhh... What if my mom came in...? Drex: *Sephiroth* "Then we'd have ourselves a nice little threesome, wouldn't we?" Celia & Sally: EEWWW! [smacking Drex] >>F. SEPHIROTH:Don't worry... No one will be entering here but Zack and the >>other Shinra troops, Drex: *Sephiroth* "And Tifa and Aeris..." Sally: *Sephiroth* "RedXIII, Vincent..." Celia: *Sephiroth* "Yuffie, Barret, Cid, as well as some of the people from Final Fantasy VIII such as Squall and Selphie, I thought I'd invite them too..." Drex: *Sephiroth* "Stephen King, George Lucas, a few TV reporters..." Sally: *Sephiroth* "John Lennon, the Pope, Eddie Vedder, Zechs Merquise, a bunch of people that followed me from Wall Market..." Drex: *Sephiroth* "Oh yeah! And a panel of experts." Celia: *Sephiroth* "And they're all allowed to watch." >>and they know better than to speak... Celia: *Sephiroth* "They'll just hold up score cards." >>Please, Cloud... I can't wait... Drex: *Sephiroth* "...to go to Disneyworld..." >>[begins licking F. Cloud's neck again]... >>F. CLOUD:Sephiroth-kun... Uuhhhhh... Celia: *Cloud* "Uhhhh... duhhhhhh..." >>[gently pushes F. Sephiroth off of him]... [going down on his knees] Drex: ...and praying that this fic ends right now... >>Would you like me to suck you now...? Sally: *Sephiroth* "Can you give me five minutes?" >>[undoes F. Sephiroth's pants]. >>F. SEPHIROTH:Yes... [runs his hands through F. Cloud's hair]... [Smiling] >>Anyone ever tell you that your hair looks like chocobo fur? [Giggles] Celia: *Cloud* "Yeah?! Anyone ever tell you your face looks like Boffo the Clown?!" >>F. CLOUD[grinning]:...Wark! Celia: Ain't right. >>F. Cloud pulls down F. Sephiroth's pants, revealing his sword of flesh, >>long enough and hard enough for use in battle. Drex: In fact it was SO deadly that Sephiroth used it to chop off Cloud's head. END! Sally: I'm sorry. I *will* have to self detonate now. Drex: (Takes self detonation device from Sally) >>F. CLOUD:Sugoi*... [starts licking the tip of F. Sephiroth's member] Celia: Remember guys, we're NOT allowed to use... that one line... Or we'll have to watch... the... whole thing... again... Drex: [sweatdrops] Celia: [squirms in her seat] Sally: [bites her nails] Drex: [wrings his hands] Celia: [whispering] Don'tsayitdon'tsayitdon'tsayit... Sally: bokbokbok...buuuuukbokbok Celia: BaGOK! BaGOK! cluk cluk cluk... BaGOK! Drex: [crows like a rooster] Celia: Oh my god, is that Frank Perdue?! Sally: [still clucking] >>[*:Sugoi - Japanese word, translation "Wonderful."] Drex: [stops crowing] ALRIGHT already. So you know some Japanese! >>F. SEPHIROTH[his body twitching]:Uuuhhhhh... Sally: *Sephiroth* "I forgot what I was gonna say..." >>Cloud... You're such a tease... >>F. Cloud starts to lick the underside of F. Sephiroth's rod, Celia: His magical Weather Rod! It's raining in Midgar! >>moaning as his tongue runs along it. Drex: *Cloud moaning* "You're standing on my hand!" >>CLOUD V-O:Why am I being shown this? Sally: Yeah. Those are pretty much my thoughts too. >>F. SEPHIROTH:uuhhhhh... Take it all in... please.... MMMmmmmm.... >>F. Cloud moves his head slightly away from F. Sephiroth's dick, staring >>hungrily at it. Sally: *Cloud* "I should have had lunch before we left..." >>F. CLOUD:... Looks tasty... Celia: *Cloud* [CHOMP!] Drex: *Sephiroth* "AAAAGH!" >>[Slowly takes all of Spehiroth's organ into his mouth Celia: and plays "Amazing Grace." Sally: "No thanks, I'm rhythm guitar and mouth organ." Drex: Well, THAT was obscure. Sally: Yup, I'm sort of proud of that one... >>and begins to bob his head up and down upon it]. Celia: Cloud, the Bobble Head Doll. Get yours while supplies last! >>F. SEPHIROTH:Ooohhhhhh.... Kimochii*... Cloud, suck it harder... >>[*:Kimochii - Japanese word, rough translation "feels good."] Sally: *Imaimashii - Japanese word, rough translation "annoying." >>F. CLOUD:MMmmmm... [wraps his lips tighter around the appendage and begins >>swirling his tongue around it, savoring it's pleasurable tartness] Drex: What's he got down there, a Pez? Sally: Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "he's a little tart." >>F. SEPHIROTH:AAAhhhhh... Cloud, you're so GOOOOOOOOOOOD... Celia: AAAhhhh... this fic is so BAAAAAAAAD! >>F. CLOUD:MMmmmm.... >>F. SEPHIROTH[feeling his member begin to swell]:Cloud... I'm about to >>explode... Drex: *Sephiroth* "You better take cover behind the sandbags..." Sally: Anime Law Number Eleven: Everything explodes. Everything. Celia: First Corollary: Anything that explodes bulges first. Sally: Thanks Ryan Shellito and Darrin Bright. :) >>F. Cloud simply nods, ready for F. Sephiroth's sweet milk. Sally: Well, as long as it's just MILK we're talking about, that's alright then. Celia: Because it does a body good. >>F. Sephiroth's body twitches furiously, Drex: as he goes into seizures and dies, slipping violently out of this fic. All: END! >>trying to hold it in as long as he can, but he eventually fails, Celia: Sephiroth, you've failed! Sally: Sephiroth, you're a failure, aren't you Sephiroth? Drex: Sephiroth! Go to the back of the room, you failure! >>sending wave after gushing wave of cum into F. Cloud's mouth, which he >>swallows quickly Celia: So, Sephiroth swallowed it?! Drex: Little known fact about Sephiroth, him being a contortionist. >>as more spits out of F. Sephiroth's rod. >>F. SEPHIROTH:... Cloud... Sally: *Sephiroth* "...I hate you..." >>F. Cloud holds F. Sephiroth's dick inside his mouth, swallowing the cum >>that keeps on flowing with wide-eyed amazement. Sally: It's flowing with wide eyed amazement? I didn't even know that stuff HAD eyes. Drex: Sally, how could you not know that? You're so naive. >>F. SEPHIROTH[worried]:Are you okay, my love? Sally: *Cloud* "No. I'm going to kill myself." >>[His member finally runs dry, Celia: and he has to go to the well to refill it. >>allowing him to let out a sigh] Drex: *Sephiroth* "*Sigh!* God that was boring." >>F. Cloud slowly slides F. Sephiroth's staff along his lips and out of his >>mouth, Drex: POP! Sally & Celia: [smacking Drex] EEEWW! >>then looks up fondly at F. Sephiroth. >>F. CLOUD[smiling cutely]:You were delicious, my Sephiroth... Celia: But you'd be so much more delicious roasted slowly while marinating in a nice white wine sauce. Drex: Kick it up a notch. All: BAM! >>SEHIROTH[running his hands through F. Cloud's hair]: Drex: and impaling his hand on Cloud's hair spike... >>I was so worried you'd choke.. Celia: (mumbling) At least the story would be over... >>F. CLOUD:Don't worry about that! [Boasting] I can handle you're load! Sally: Sephiroth is Load? May I have my self detonation device back? Drex: No, Sally. It's just syntax, it'll be okay. Sally: It's not JUST syntax! It's never JUST syntax, don't you see? It's the whole art of storytelling, now GIVE ME MY SELF DETONATION DEVICE! Celia: (Gives Sally M&M's instead.) Sally: Well... alright then. >>[Winks at him] Celia: A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat. >>F. SEPHIROTH[smiling at his lover]:Yes, you have gone a long way. Sally: *Sephiroth* "to Tipparary." >>[Eyes narrowing] Would you like to take pleasuer from me now? Sally: Pleasuer? Celia: *Cloud* "Well, if it's anything like materia, you bet I'd like to take it from you!" >>F. CLOUD[eager]:Yes, my love. I'd like that more than anything... Drex: *Cloud* "besides my own PAINFUL DEMISE!!" >>The scene is suddenly destroyed by another blinding white light. Drex: There is a god! >>CLOUD V-O[anger and sadness mixing in his hurt voice]:What else can >>Sephiroth possibly make up!? What other lies does he have!? Sally: "I am not a crook." Celia: "Read my lips: no new taxes!" Drex: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinski." >>The light fades away, replaced by the dark abyss of before. Sephiroth's >>mutilated body lays lifeless at Cloud's feet. Sally: In this context, I'm not sure if I should point out the different usages of "lays" and "lies." Celia: You never know... >>CLOUD[looking down on himself]:Okay, this isn't another "flashback." Is >>this now? Drex: The hell should we know? Celia: Yeah, don't ask us, you lost us somewhere way back there. >>Cloud takes a look at the blood-covered sword in his right hand. Drex: *Cloud* "Whoa, how'd that get there?!" >>A tear silently falls from his right eye, sliding along his cheek >>until it reaches his chin, then falls to Cloud's feet, splattering on his >>boot. Celia: What the hell is Cloud, a waterslide at Action Park? >>CLOUD[traumatized]:I... Killed him... All: YOU BASTARDS! >>[He suddenly has a slightly sweet but mostly salty taste in his mouth] Drex: *Cloud* "Excuse me; potato chip burp." >>... He wasn't lying. I can feel his taste in my mouth, as though to tell >>me it was true... Celia: Oh. That. >>[shaking his head furiously] Drex: *Cloud* "AHHH! Hair pets! Get them off me! Get them off me!" >>I remember his smile, his laugh, how he'd always make sure everything would >>be alright... Sally: *Cloud* "That time he grew wings out of his butt, just to make me laugh... How he summoned Meteor for kicks... slashed Tifa almost to death... OH SEPHIROTH! What a guy!" Celia: Makes you cry? Drex: Und I did. Sally: And you guys call ME obscure. >>Cloud walks over to Sephiroth's body and kneels before it. All: *Cloud* "Om... Om... Om..." >>CLOUD:I've lost so much because of Jenova, because of Shinra. My >>hometown, my identity, and the only two people I ever loved. >>[Choking up] Drex: on the bat, and hitting a HOME RUN! IT'S OUTTA THERE! >>Aeris... And... [Tears flowing like rivers from his eyes]... SEPHIROTH!!!! Sally: *Dead Sephiroth* "Hey, I'm done in this story, leave me alone!" >>[Burys his head in Sephiroth's chest] Drex: *Cloud* "There. Now they'll never find it!" >>Cloud stays there for what seems to be an eternity, crying furiously into >>Sephiroth's chest. >>Then, his crying subsides slowly to a mild sobbing, and he looks into >>Sephiroth's dead face. Celia: *Cloud* "I never noticed it before, but you kinda look like James Woods!" >>CLOUD[sympathetic]:Your mother wasn't the Jenova monster, Sephiroth. She >>was a gentle woman named Lucrecia, who regretted never being able to hold >>you. Sally: *Dead Sephiroth* "Oh real nice, you couldn't tell me this BEFORE I became evil, huh?!" >>What was it like, to never have a family? >>[Runs his hand through Sephiroth's hair] If only I could've been there for >>you... >>Suddenly, Sephiroth's eyes shoot open. All: AAHHH! Drex: Scared the hell out of me. >>SEPHIROTH[raspy]:You never... Failed me... It was I... who was blinded by >>my rage ... at Shinra... You were always Cloud... Drex: *Sephiroth* [raspy] "except.. that time... when you were Napoleon..." >>The only one... I've ever loved... [His body goes limp again, truly dead]. Sally: *Eric Idle* "I'm not quite dead, sir! Actually I think I'm alright to go with you!" Celia: Is the sword still stuck in his head? Drex: Wasn't Cloud holding it before? Celia: They never specified that he took it out. Drex: (snickering) "He took it out..." >>CLOUD:NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >>Cloud's body rises suddenly, further and further away from Sephiroth's. Sally: *Cloud* "Weeee! FUN!" >>CLOUD[to Sephiroth's body]:No... No, I won't leave you! >>SEPHIROTH'S VOICE:There is someone out there who needs you, and I can no >>longer do anything for you, save give you Drex: *Sephiroth* "herpes... oh, too late for that..." >>my spirit, which you purified. Goodbye, Cloud. >>CLOUD[crying softly]:Sephiroth... Sally: [crying softly] This fic! >>SEPHIROTH'S VOICE[reasurred]:Perhaps I shall talk to Aeris when I go to the >>lifestream, sharing memories of you. Celia: That sounds like a blackmail threat. >>CLOUD:I... Drex: *Cloud* "I'm not like other boys!" >>SEPHIROTH'S VOICE:We will always be part of you Cloud, Aeris and I. Never >>doubt it. But now it is Tifa who needs you, and we can tell you need her. >>We do not dissaprove. Sally: *Queen Victoria* "And we are not amused." Celia: *Sephiroth* "Aeris says hi, by the way!" >>CLOUD:Sorry... Drex: *Cloud* "Sorry I killed you Sephiroth. Bye now!" >>SEPHIROTH'S VOICE:Don't be. Drex: *Dead Sephiroth* "It got me out of this fic, after all..." >>Just live for her, for me, for the world you struggled so hard to save. >>And remember that I will always be there. >>CLOUD[nodding slowly]:... Yes... I will... [eyes glistining, looking up >>into the heavens]... I love you, Sephiroth... All: Awwww... >>SEPHIROTH:My heart is always with you, my love... Sally: *Sephiroth* "But, not quite in the same way that Jenova's head was with me..." >>[voice faded] Goodbye... >>CLOUD:... Goodbye... Celia: *Flight Attendant Cloud* "Buh bye now... Buh bye! Buh bye now. Bye now! Buh bye now. Bye!" >>Silently, Cloud rises up beyond the darkness and onto a ledge, where he >>lands softly. Drex: *Church Lady* A ledge. How conveeeeenient. >>CLOUD: >>Suddenly, the ground begins to tremble violently, and rocks begin >>to fall from above. Sally: It's the Staypuft Marshmallow Man! >>TIFA[from above]:CLOUD!!! Celia: It's Tifa! So Tifa must be really huge then! Drex: She's UGE, so big there's no room for the "H." Sally: "I'm HUGE!" >>Cloud turns around and sees Tifa on a higher ledge, her hand out for him to >>grab. Drex: *Cloud* (mumbling) "Wow, I can look right up her... heeeyyy..." >>Cloud leaps up to Tifa and grabs her hand with his own. Celia: With his own what? >>He looks into her deep, dark Drex: cleavage... >>eyes. Drex: Oh. Never mind. >>CLOUD: >>Cloud looks at her with a growing All: (Leaning foward on the edge of their seats) >>affection All: (Sitting back, disappointed) Oh. >>as she pulls him up. >> --FIN- All: END! Drex: For real this time! >>CLOSING COMMENTARY Sally: Oh. Thought it was too good to be true. >> Well, there goes the first FFVII fanfic I've ever done, as well as the >>first slash fic I've done. Quite a strange experience, as I myself am >>straight as an arrow (and always on target ^_~). Drex: Did someone say "overcompensating?" >>I was worried about making it an accurate portrayal of homosexual relations >>while keeping it true to the FFVII nature (that thing with the light >>helped). Celia: You mean turning it on when you go to the bathroom at night? >>Anyway, it feels good to flex my creative muscles again, as I've been too >>busy playing Drex: Pocket pool? >>FFVII to write (^_~). Drex: Oh. All: Never mind. >>As I've beaten FFVII once and am running through loose ends now, I'll get >>back into the game, starting with "Blood Omen:Legacy of Kasumi >>- Chapters 9 & 10" as well as "Sailor Moon Vs. Street Fighter Pt. 1" (which >>will be combined with this in the 100% Anime submission version) and >>"Street Fighter:A Night Under the Stars - Chapter 4." Sally: Alright, alright, we give! You win! >>Sorry for the long hiatas, Celia: Ooooh, Jesse has a long hiatas! Drex: The hell is a hiatas? Celia: Well, it's something that's really, really long. Sally: Not everyone's though. Some people have a really stubby hiatas. You shouldn't make fun of them. >>but I'm back now! All: AAAH! >>I'm also working on "GWA 2:No Way Out," which will feature two new Gaijin! >> Anyway, I'd like to thank my family for obvious reasons, Celia: as families are ALWAYS helpful when writing porn about polygon based characters... >>Henry Lee & Danny "Angel of Death" Fanego for his constantly being there >>even when I thought they weren't, Drex: like when I was in the bathroom and all... Sally: "for HIS constantly being there even when I thought THEY weren't?" What the hell are THEY?! >>Otasha McPeters for her strong moral support and her love, the chatterz at >>Mojoski General Chat (http://www.mojoski.com/cgi-bin/mojogen.cgi) Drex: "I'd like to thank the academy..." Sally: I mean for pete's sake, it's just a lemon! Celia: *Sally Field* "You tolerate me... you really tolerate me!" >>and Animeigo's Chat Room (Http://www.animeigo.com/Siphon/chat.t) >>for keepin me from going back to the controller when I ought to be on >>the keyboard. Drex: Umm, stick to the controller from now on. >>Much love to my Drama class, both last year and this one, to Squaresoft for >>FFVII, to Bad Boy Entertainment & Noything/Interscope Records for giving >>great music for me to listen to, and to so many other peeps (you know who >>you are). Celia: (flatly) I can't explain it, but suddenly I care so much about all those people. >> C&C is always welcome, though I'm especially seeking gay/bisexual men Sally: I'll bet. ;-D >>to judge how accurate male homosexuality All: SUUUUURE! >>(and to some SMALL extent, bisexuality) was portrayed (It would also be >>nice if they played FFVII so they'd understand the reason behind >>the light). Drex: Do they need to enjoy jogging, movies and quiet evenings at home, too? >>Anyway, I have to go play some more FFVII. Bye! >> "I'm SOOOOO Anxious to rip you apart!" >> -Double. >> -From "Megaman X4." >> "What is a man!? >> A miserable little pile of secrets!" >> -Count Dracula Vlad Tepes. >> -From "Castlevania:Symphony of the Night." >>PS:What would anyone say to a Megaman X-Castlevania crossover? All: "Hi, Megaman X-Castlevania crossover!!" Drex: [cymbal crash] >>**GONE 4 REAL** Celia: Promise? >>Email C&C to jjz_ranma@hotmail.com All: Nahh. Drex: I want to use the emergency email though. --------------- (Back in the main cabin) Drex: Well! That was interesting. Celia: It... well... *Sigh.* Whatever. Sally: Well I still totally think Sephiroth wants us. Celia: Yeah, I think so too. Drex: I just hope that next time it's not a Final Fantasy VII fic. There's something about those that's kind of icky. Sally: I'm getting the feeling it won't be... (Fade out) ------------------ Sephiroth, Cloud, Shinra, Tifa, Jenova, Lucrecia, Mako, Midgar, Masamune, Nanaki, Neibelheim, (catches breath) Zack and ... and everything else Final Fantasy related are (C) Squaresoft 1997. Dr. Forrester and the rest of Mystery Science Theater 3000 are (C) Bad Brains and the peeps who did that awesome show or something. The rest is (C) Jesus "Jesse" Zamora. Neither Jesus nor myself made any profit from either the story or the MiSTing of the story and no insult was intended to Jesus, Squaresoft, or MST3k; it was all in good fun! MiSted by Jules Keep circulating the .TXT files! >>F. Cloud pulls down F. Sephiroth's pants, revealing his sword of >>flesh, long enough and hard enough for use in battle.