Mystery Octagon Theater, Episode 101b: the Behind the Torture Remix "Street Fighter versus Mortal Kombat" Original by "Nightmare" James (Re-) MiSTed by the Angry Potatoes from Europe: the bold, the beautiful, the Bret Hart mark, Alicia Ashby the easily squishible grot from New Zealand, ze Black Snotling the biggest man in Japan, TV's Gavok the Eastern Indian narcoleptic, Gerald "sven" Deo the armed and extremely orthodox, Nicholas Eckert all the way from the pop charts of China, eonsinger from the uncharted wastelands of Australia, Alex Fauth the token newbie, Dell Labs' pet project, Larry "t.ogre" Garrett the Oklahoma Stampede, Quanah S. Harjo the one-hitter quitter, Geson "Racewing" Hatchett the Phoenix Clan's very own lancer, Asako Hisamatsu THE MultiMediocre Knight, James Howard the postmodern samurai bastard, Kevin "Emerald" Kanda hit him all you like, he'll just soak more: David "Ice Fenix" LaSalle the Manly Mr. Fluffypants, Brad Lawson the man from the shadows, Signus Megido the witty zany Marxist tycoon of Impro, Mark Poa the disruptive youth element, S.D. Ryukage the man with infinite amounts of free time, Ryan Jakobi (John Stoddert) the whispered rumor in the back alleys of Bogota, Tiffa the Six Million Dollar Maniac, Scott "W4" Watson and the current European MiSTing champion, Thomas Wilde Compile by John Stoddert Compile scrapped and totally redone by Thomas Wilde Edited by Thomas Wilde, backed up by the Madman Mark Poa With a cameo appearance by Masterpiece Theater's Max "Mua" Meridus Comedy Research by Austin Loomis =========== DISCLAIMER: =========== Bust it. Welcome back to Mystery Octagon Theater: twenty-three writers from eight nations on four continents, brought together like Voltron to kick this 'fic's ass. This is a non-standard MiSTing with non-standard characters on a non-standard 'fic. Note that this voids the warranty, making you fully responsible for any consequent repairs. The following is rated R for violence, profanity, sexual humor, unintentional homoeroticism, the drunken narrator, self-gratifying ego stroking, and being a god damn Street Fighter/Mortal Kombat/Marvel Super Heroes/Street Fighter: the Movie/The 3 Ninjas crossover. Comments are welcome at: http://network54.com/Hide/Forum/80982 ======== LENNY: ...hey, Marv. You got any Q-Tips on ya? ======== [The swirling Multiversal Television Network logo, a strange undulating metallic blob that is seen as something different by everyone who looks at it, comes up as the commercial ends. [The image fades in at the corner of Biohazard and Mason Streets, showing the shabby, rundown Torture Theater. A man wearing an expensive suit in the latest fashionable cut, with obviously fake hair and teeth, is smiling at us from in front of the theater. He's Caucasian, wearing Elvis Costello glasses. To see him is to, on some level, hate him. His name is Snack Lightly.] SNACK: Hello. I'm Snack Lightly. I'm standing in front of the infamous Torture Theater, a house of ill repute--yet one that's enormously popular. [SNACK walks while he talks, through the theater's front doors. He turns and faces the camera inside the theater's lobby, spilled popcorn and Mexican candy crunching underfoot.] SNACK: Currently empty, Torture Theater has hosted ten of the most depraved, horrible films ever known to man. More to the point, it has been the site where an unlucky group of random strangers were forcibly subjected to those films by cruel assailants. [A headline from the Dream City _Crier's_ entertainment section floats by the screen: TORTURE THEATER #1!] SNACK: People love to watch other people suffer, and that's never been more true than in Torture Theater. Ever since the first "experiment" to be conducted here, Torture Theater's semi-regular "special programming" has been a cult classic, enormously popular in many markets around the multiverse. [A mob of cheering Japanese teenagers. Many are wearing red tuxedos or crudely manufactured Yin-Yang Top Hats; several are ill-advisedly waving chainsaws. A small child, dressed in tuxedo and tails, and wearing a great deal of green face paint, is being waved by his mother like he's a picket sign. The child is clearly not sure why.] SNACK: However, Torture Theater's programming is notoriously controversial. "Obscene." "Violent." "Nauseating." Those charges, most often made by the participants, stacked up against the Theater's specials until internal politics forced the specials to air on pay-per-view. That, perhaps inevitably, has only made them the more popular. SNACK: More to the point, Torture Theater's internal politics have been every bit as fiery as the external ones it's provoked. Since the first episode, rumors have been circulating about Torture Theater's attendees: alcoholism. Drug abuse. Obesity. Lycanthropy. A lawsuit from Brat Pack actress Demi Moore. [Something behind the snack bar *DINGs* loudly at the mention of Moore's name. SNACK jumps.] SNACK: ...uh. Tonight, on a very special "Behind the Scenes," we'll be going... Behind the Torture. [The familiar credit sequence plays, featuring a blur of dizzying imagery: celebrities talking candidly, directors yelling things, a coke spoon, a wad of money, a rumpled bed, an empty syringe, an open book, a television showing "snow," a band playing onstage...] [When the credits end, SNACK is in the aisle of Torture Theater, standing in front of the "Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat" poster: a young man in fuzzy slippers and a purple gi is kicking Wolverine in the stomach while Shinnok and Akuma watch.] SNACK: It all began here. With five strangers, the theater's own robotic cameraman, and a little-known independent film called "Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat." This motion picture, filmed on a shoestring budget in 1996 as a student film, is notorious for not really being about either Street Fighters or the Mortal Kombat kumite tournament, but instead... about a little boy named James. [Interview setup.] INTERVIEWER: And, Ken, as long as we're discussing your movie career... KEN: Yes? [bright smile] INTERVIEWER: What about "Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat?" KEN: ...look, it *clearly says* in this contract I signed that that movie *didn't happen*. INTERVIEWER: Ken, it's a cult classic. It played Torture Theater, remember? KEN: Never happened! Never! INTERVIEWER: But...? KEN: Shoryuken! INTERVIEWER: Urk! INTERVIEWER: And what about "Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat?" RYU: ...Hadoken. INTERVIEWER: AAIIIEEE! INTERVIEWER: Liu Kang, how do you feel about "Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat?" LIU KANG: ...so cold. So very, very cold. INTERVIEWER: ... [Back in Torture Theater, SNACK is standing in Theater 6, in front of the screen. Several rows of seats are still smoldering.] SNACK: These five strangers were suckered into the theater on a bet by an evil genius named Hunter, and forced to watch a film that has been called... "horrid." "Abysmal." "Worse than having your legs sawn off at the hip." This set a precedent, and other evil geniuses have used this theater in the recent past. However, the first session is still a benchmark, and it's that we're here to discuss tonight. SNACK: A mysterious package arrived two weeks ago at the "Behind the Scenes" studios, containing three reels of faintly smoldering film, accompanied by a note claiming that this was the "unabridged" cut of the original Torture Theater classic. Naturally, we set out to verify this as soon as we could. [Interview: EMERALD and a slightly unnerved TIFFA, sitting side by side in a nice booth.] INTERVIEWER: Is it true that the version of the first Torture Theater episode is abridged? TIFFA: Well, actually...? [EMERALD subtly elbows her in the ribs.] EMERALD: You see, Snack-- INTERVIEWER: I'm not Snack. EMERALD: You are now. Snack, when the first version of Torture Theater aired, it was seriously edited by Hunter, who felt many of our jokes and antics were too risque for a modern audience to really "get." You have to understand, this man was hoping to make a bundle, and he did, by appealing to the lowest common denominator. INTERVIEWER: ...so the version we've all seen is abridged? TIFFA: Oh, yeah. I've seen the version that aired, and there's a lot of stuff that isn't in there. EMERALD: Naturally, what *did* make it in there is enough to make us all look like idiots. TIFFA: Naturally. INTERVIEWER: Wanderer, we understand that you walked away from the original episode of Torture Theater with a drinking problem. Would you like to comment on that? [WANDERER, slowly and deliberately, faces the interviewer and drinks half a bottle of Irish whiskey without pausing for breath.] WANDERER: Nope. INTERVIEWER: Mr. Knight? MMK: Are *you* my mother? INTERVIEWER: ...never mind. [SNACK has taken a seat in the front row in Theater 6. He has popcorn and a large soda.] SNACK: There you have it. Tonight, accompanied by interviews with the original cast, "Behind the Scenes" is proud to present the unabridged, unexpurgated version of a television cult classic: "Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat," the MiSTing. Lights? ======== [Screen flickers. Interview: TIFF, EMMY, WAND, MMK, TBS. As each answer, his/her face is shown onscreen.] INTERVIEWER: Quick question: What were your thoughts on "Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat"? TIFF: You say it again, and I'll kill you. EMMY: If I said it was bad, I'd be complimenting it. WAND: Utter crap. MMK: It's the Platonic ideal of crap! It is the Most Perfect Crap! TBS: I like quiet walks on the beach, romantic movies, and playing the piano. [Quick pan of everyone's faces looking at TBS.] TBS: What? [Cut back to swirling Multiversal Television Network logo with the title "Behind the Torture."] ======== > PROLOGUE > > AN ARCADE IN CENTRAL NEW JERSEY MMK: Enter Dionysus, disguised as Heracles, with lion-skin and club, but with the high boots of tragedy and a tunic of saffron silk. He is followed by Xanthius, seated on a donkey and carrying an immense-- WAND: Stop that. MMK: But I just got started. WAND: You'll peak before the credits. > Mel Masters was waiting in line to play the new Version 2 of > Marvel Super Heroes vs. Street Fighter. It was the hottest thing > out, EMMY: ...because Dance Dance Revolution was too "West Coast" for them. TIFF: Bitter? EMMY: Only if I think about it. > and was only available here. TIFF: Only here? You ever seen an "exclusive" Capcom game? WAND: It's only available in a select few time zones. > He was watching some 8-year old kid playing someone. EMMY: Vaguely convenient? WAND: Conveniently vague. EMMY: Let the party begin. > As Gambit, he slammed the incoming attacker, > Sakura, with a stick shot, TBS: Oh, it's one of *those* stories. > then followed it with a jumping air combo. The kid's opponent, a > man of about 22, was the former world champion of video games. TIFF: *All* video games? Even...Time Killers, War Gods, and Attack of the Killer Tomatoes? WAND: That's what the man said. Sick job, but someone has to do it. EMMY: Better him than me. MMK: Bring him on. Real Bout Fatal Fury. My Kaphwan against anything he has. > (Mel Masters didn't know this) The kid kept his composure and > played hard, even cheaping the champion as much as he could. MMK: Where's Fred Savage? Shouldn't he be here? > "START PLAYING FAIR AND CUT THE THROWS, KID!" screamed the man. WAND: Hey, it's Seth Killian! > "GET A LIFE," said another man, about 18 years old, wearing a > black jacket. > "PEOPLE CAN PLAY HOWEVER THEY LIKE, LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT." EMMY : YOU'RE RIGHT! I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE DONE SOMETHING *THIS WRONG!* MY LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME! WAND : WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER REVOLUTION X, DICKWEED! > The former world champion hit the 8-year old playing as Gambit > with a 10-hit combo with Wolverine, seeming to put the kid out of > it. Then, the champ made a mistake. TBS: He got into a battle of wits with a Sicilian when death was on the line? WAND: He put some thought into playing Wolverine? > He then tried a > > BERSERKER BARRAGE, TIFF: Oh yes. Terrible mistake. MMK: Horrible. Like wearing white shoes before Labor day. WAND: No, it's more like using a soup spoon on ice cream. > but the kid was one step ahead of him, > > ROYAL CRUSH! TBS: It *is* one of those stories! EMMY: Hey. Shut up. > Wolverine took a trememdous beating and was KO'ed. WAND: Claremont must be writing the fight. > The champ was now forced to play as Sakura, who was already > quite weakened. > > SHO-O-KEN! WAND: SHO-O-KEN, the SHO-GUN OF HARLEM! > The former champ was content on slamming the 8-year old down, MMK: ...but he had trouble fitting the kid in a shot glass. > but the kid survived it, and tagged Ken. WAND : Nine more to go, and I pass Noise Reduction! > The champ was out of it, and the kid had won. ALL: DRAMA! > "I'LL GET YOU YET, KID!" yelled the former champion. TBS: ...and his little dog, too. > "YOU CHEAPED ME, BUT IT WON'T STAND." MMK : You'll never survive the Bow and Arrow! > The older kid then intervened, "GET OUT OF HERE. YOU LOST." EMMY: Hey, it's the old SF2 announcer. > The former champ then left. A little later, Mel got on the machine. WAND: I guess the thumping bass of the speaker was just too much for him to resist. TIFF: Um... > The 18-year old had left for some reason between the time that the > former champ left and Mel got on. TIFF: Why? Because he was afraid of being challenged by this super-skilled 8-year old? > "Gambit and Ken, eh?" said Mel. "I'll choose, let's see, > Wolverine, and...." Mel then entered a secret code. TBS : ...up up down down left right left right b a start... no! Up up left down down right A B A B, hold A, start! EMMY : Huh? How'd I get Sal DiVita? > "How about Shadow Charlie!" MMK: _How About Shadow Charlie_! The hilarious new comedy starring Rick Moranis, Alanis Morrisette, and Morris the Finicky Cat! > The match then started. Mel started out by trying to sweep-charge > the kid, but the young one was ready, slamming Mel with a staff > strike. WAND : Lousy union melee weapons. > The kid then tried to come in, and Mel countered with a > > TORNADO CLAW! TIFF: ...and, watching from the back of the idea, Jan de Bont got a *ripsnorter* of an idea! > After six hits, Gambit fell down. ALL: BOOM! > The kid then tried a combo, which Mel blocked. Mel then tried to EMMY: We need a storyteller with a better memory. > TORNADO CLAW EMMY: See? > the kid again, only to get slammed down to the ground. TIFF : That's cool. WAND : That's *slammin'*. TIFF : Oh. Right. > KINETIC CARD! TBS: What? WHERE? > Mel blocked the attack, only to see a > > CAJUN SLICE! MMK: I like Cajun Slice! Only three calories, with the refreshing taste of smoooth tabasco! > Mel was caught off-guard. WAND: Mel's got the lightning reflexes of Ernest Borgnine. > He then tagged to Shadow Charlie. Mel threw the kid for a loop. TBS: Hey! "NIGHTS into Dreams" callback! > When the kid tried another > > KINETIC CARD, > > Mel was on top of it! TIFF: Wouldn't that make it hard to throw? WAND: Not really. It's just his picture. He got it from a deck of "Dork: The Slathering" cards. TIFF: Oh. Huh? > SHADOW SONIC BREAK! TBS: And that's when they quit for lunch. [Rimshot.] > Gambit was slammed ten times by the wave of Sonic Booms. Mel then > got a little too overconfident, walking in for the kill, while the > kid skillfully tagged to Ken. EMMY: Which kid is this again? WAND: You know...the kid. The one the author painted such a masterfully vague portrait of at the beginning of this fic. Speaking of which...is it nearly over yet? TIFF: This is just the prologue. WAND: ... [TIFF and EMMY wrestle WAND's sword away before he can commit seppuku.] > SONIC BOOM! > > HA-DO-KEN! MMK: You got your Sonic Boom in my Hadoken! TBS: You got your Hadoken in my Sonic Boom! EMMY: Two chi-powered tastes... that really don't mix together very well. > The two fireballs nullified each other. > > FLAMING SHO-RYU-KEN! ALL: YOU *GO*, GIRL! [ALL snap their fingers.] > As Ken flew into the air, Mel countered with a > > SOMERSAULT KICK! WAND: Question. TIFF: Shoot. WAND: Is there a reason that the attacks and the narration take place in separate sets of dialogue? EMMY: If they were together, there'd be way too much tension and many people would void their trousers? WAND: No. I'm sure there's another reason. TBS: There's something up with the writer? WAND: You know, I thought of that first too, but-- MMK: I think I know. WAND: What? MMK: Elves. ALL: ... MMK: It's true. WAND: I'll accept that. > Ken flew back, and the 8-year old seemed to get a little > frustrated. TBS : Everyone ELSE lost more quickly than that... > Mel then walked in and slammed the young kid with a > low kick, uppercut, 1-2 punch, kick, > > FLIP FLASH KICK [TBS howls.] EMMY: ...you'll get a lesson from teacher now! FLIP! TIFF: FLIP! EMMY: FLASH! TIFF: FLASH! EMMY: And KICK! TIFF: K-k-k-kick! > combo. Mel then tried to rush in, but the kid regular-jumped > instead of super-jumping as Mel expected. WAND: Stupid keeeed! EMMY: But if he expected a *super* jump, then he shouldn't've *dashed* because the kid'd be on the *ground* and-- TIFF: Breathe! [EMMY takes short, deep breaths.] > After landing a jump punch, the kid performed a > > SHIPPU JINRAI KYAKU! MMK: He took down his trousers and sang the national anthem? > Mel was slammed by the super spinning hop hurricane kick combo. TBS: *Someone's* behind the times when it comes to modern dance! > Mel was really questioning himself now, EMMY: Why am I here? WAND: What is my purpose in life? TIFF: Where is the bathroom? > as he tagged to Wolverine again. The kid stayed patient. As > Wolverine jumped in, the kid countered with a > > FLAMING SHO-RYU-KEN! WAND: Just can't HIDE THAT PRIDE! > The 3-hitter hurt Mel, and he was forced back. As the kid tagged > to Gambit, he made a mistake.... to early. > Mel blocked, then countered with the > > WEAPON X! ALL: *GASP!* > Wolverine cut into Gambit hard, slashed, and then finally just > drilled him with a super cut. TBS: See? *See*? It *is* that type of story! TIFF: Snot, we're not out of the prologue yet and I have an urge to kill you messily. > The kid reeled back, but Mel came in too early again, WAND: Two pumps, a tickle, and a squirt. Damn shame. > as he was throw bait. Mel then blocked another > > KINETIC CARD, > > but was surprised by the spinning dive the kid performed. EMMY : You used the Drill Claw! *Nobody* uses the Drill Claw! > Mel tagged back out to Shadow Charlie, keeping the kid away. He > then seemed to hit a combo and went into the > > SOMERSAULT JUSTICE, MMK: Isn't that Chyna's finishing move? > but the kid blocked it somehow. WAND: I'm guessing that he held Back. EMMY: Ancient Chinese secret, hmmm? > Mel was on the receiving end of a throw/tag combo after he landed. > Still in trouble with Gambit, the kid decided to play him out and > conserve Ken. After hitting another EMMY: Wait for it... wait for it... > CAJUN SLICE, EMMY: Thank you. You may sit down now. > Mel performed a hard suplex, eliminating the kid's Gambit. > The kid didn't give up. After Mel missed a > > SOMERSAULT KICK, > > the kid then hit Charlie with a > > FLAMING SHO-RYU-KEN! MMK: Yay... WAND: This is the same kind of gripping drama that can be found in *any episode* of Yu-Gi-Oh!. > It was powerful enough to knock Shadow Charlie out, giving the kid > a one-on-one with Wolverine. Mel then hit the kid with a 12-hit > combo fininshing it with the Drill Claw. Then, Mel made a critical > mistake. TIFF: He reproduced? TBS: Let that be a lesson to you all. Never let sex get in the way of fighting games. Thank you. > He then tried an air combo against the kid. It looked like he had > it, but at the last split second, the super action came on, and > Mel knew he was had. TIFF: So he called the kid a scrub at the top of his lungs. > He had seen the move done to perfection by > the 18-year old he had seen earlier when he had fought him in a > tournament not too long ago..... EMMY : And never mind asking how the kid filled his super bar so fast. Just read the damn story! > "SHIN-RYUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-KEN!" WAND: Um, Ryoga? You can't do a Shinryuken in the air. TBS: The kid's mad skills apparently involve a Game Genie. > Wolverine was totally knocked out, > and the game said, > > "GAMBIT KEN WIN!" MMK: A Winner Is You! > "You're good, kid," said Mel. "How did you do it so well?" WAND: 100% disposable income and no real friends? > The kid was at first unresponsive, EMMY : Pardon me while I avoid the question entirely. > but eventually replied, "That > kid who was in the black jacket is one of my best friends. TIFF : He's imaginary. I call him "Spanky." > BTW, who are you?" TBS: ... maybe they're in a chat room? TIFF: Nah, we're not that lucky. > Mel replied, "Mel Masters, son of the real Ken Masters." WAND: Whoa. I didn't know the fourth wall had a glory hole. > "Oh really," said the kid. "You play just like I would expect, > flashy, a little showing off." EMMY: It's a Versus game! If you're not flashy, then you're not playing it right! TBS: Or at all. EMMY: Or at *all*! > Mel replied, "You're an excellent player kid, I hope to meet you > again someday. The name's Chris. WAND : Mel has a unique perspective on the truth. TIFF: That explains the kid's winning streak. He's been reading Mel's mind. > Sorry if I'm in a rush, but I > have a karate class to go to. Take my game, I have to leave." TIFF: How did Mel know all that? EMMY: Um...I think we just had a comm break-down. Like, when, in an episode of Scooby-Doo, where they'd animate the wrong teen's face, so Fred would talk like Daphne... WAND: Yeah, I know what you're-- EMMY: ...and you'd think to yourself "Man...that Fred sure is an attractive young woman!" Then you'd realize what happened, and you'd laugh. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. WAND: Um... MMK: I like you. > Mel was unresponsive, but when he saw Chris fly out in a light- > speed, he knew he had no alternative: WAND: To mock Chris for being a member of Power Pack? > Take the game. TIFF: Where's he going to put it? > Even better, he had Ken, and he had mastered his father in playing > Street Fighter. TBS: Well. Good thing I'm too innocent to say anything about *that*! [TBS pointedly looks at WAND.] WAND : Thinly veiled intergenerational yaoi incest subtext. TBS: Thanks. WAND: No problem. > CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION > > MASTER SEMA'S KARATE SCHOOL, NEW JERSEY WAND: Of course! Everyone knows they produce the *best* karate masters! MMK: A ninja with a New York accent. Now that'd be somethin'. EMMY : Youse has disgraced my family name. > ------------------------- TBS : Now cross this line! > It was a dark day at the karate school. TIFF: Rolling blackouts are such a bitch. > James was listening to Master Sema. MMK : Oh, no, that's horrible! TBS: I don't think that's *why* it was a dark day, dude. MMK: Oh. Whoops. > "James, there's not much time. MMK : Oh, no, that's horrible! WAND: You're early again. MMK: Shoot! EMMY: Wait for it. > I'm about to pass away. [TBS nudges MMK.] EMMY : That's your cue. MMK : Oh, no, that's horrible! TBS: Perfect. [claps] > That demon Akuma has once again used the Raging Demon...." EMMY: Is that the secret to the Shun Goku Satsu? It draws its power from Sema's life force? > "Akuma? Why was he after you?" EMMY : He was jealous of my sexy body. WAND : I am, too. > "He killed me to get into the Mortal Kombat. MMK : His gi doesn't have pockets, so he can't carry quarters. > I had an invite." TIFF: If he's been killed, how's he talking? > "MORTAL KOMBAT????" James had always been a very good video game > player, mastering both Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat. WAND: And he had the Aura of Cool(tm). MMK: And he beat Ranma up using only his pinkies. EMMY: And he slapped Gotenks around like a rag doll. TBS: All the girls dig him. > "But I thought it didn't really exist." EMMY : That's what *they* want you to think. > "Yes, James, Mortal Kombat does for in fact exist. TBS: What the hell did he just say? TIFF: Dunno. Maybe being dead gives you poetic license, or something. > And Shao Kahn's still alive somehow after his third defeat by > Liu Kang. WAND : You forgot about my extra life! > It's amazing that you haven't felt the evil air in this city," EMMY: It's New Jersey! It's always like that! > said Master Sema gasping for air. TBS : This is the big one! I'm comin', 'Lizabeth! MMK : I can feel it coming in the air tonight... oh Lorrrd... > "I'll avenge your death, master," said James. "I swear!" TIFF: Shouldn't he wait until he was actually dead? WAND: Wouldn't a team of paramedics really help about now? MMK : You know that Raging Demon thing Akuma does? That kills me. > "James, I've already lost my life in this whole business. TBS : Okay, so I'm forward-thinking. But still! > Plus, you'll need a partner. EMMY: Wow. Akuma must be really tough if it takes *two* self-inserts to defeat him. WAND: This has *got* to be against the Geneva Convention. > I'm sure Akuma has already killed my partner!" MMK : I loved him... so dearly. The way he used to-- [TIFF glares at MMK.] MMK : ... make chocolate chip pancakes. TBS : Reversal! [MMK flashes blue.] > "I'll find a partner," said James. "I'm not going to leave this > unavenged." EMMY: But that'd be funnier! > "James, vengence always leads to disasterous endings. WAND : Or, at least, Steven Seagal movies. > I'm sure the master of this Kombat, who is definitely not Shao Kahn, > will for sure leave you for wasting." TBS: Yes! That... what? MMK : Do not call me Shao Kahn, for that is not my name, which as the master of this Kombat is not Shao Kahn... > "Master Sema," said James, "I will come back victorious. EMMY : See that byline? I'll *own* that mofo. > And I'll put Akuma on the shelf for what he did." TIFF: But that would disrupt the dojo's feng shui! WAND : That Akuma head will go *smashingly* with that Louis XIV mantle. > "James," said Master Sema fading, "if.. you.. go..... beware.... > Shin..." Master Sema fell before saying the fiend's name. EMMY: Shin Akuma? TIFF: Shingo Yabuki? TBS: Shinji Ikari? > "MASTER SEMA!!!!!" screamed James in agony! WAND : As opposed to the many, many other times he'd yelled it under rather more interesting circumstances. MMK: The narrator seems agonized too. He needs to learn not to get attached to his own characters. [TBS snorts.] > Suddenly, James turned his head, TIFF : Spider-sense... tingling! > and saw three ninjas harassing an eight-year old boy. WAND : Hey! This is a *deathbed*, you motherfuckers! > "Hey kid, you have no business being here," said the first ninja. EMMY: Shit, it's an after-school special now. Thanks a lot, story! TBS: Remember, kids. Say "No" to ninjas. > "Why are you here?" asked the second ninja? MMK : Why is anyone here? WAND : Whoa. > "For my karate class," said the kid. TBS : I'm being trained in ninja karate so I can assassinate my principal! > "HA HA HA! WAND: It's a cameo appearance by Jack Chick! > An eight-year old! Doesn't even know that his master was killed! TBS : We're in the same room and everything! HA HA HA! > HA HA HA HA!" EMMY: Yeah. Kids are like that. WAND : Death is funny! > The kid then shin-kicked one of the ninjas. MMK : SCREAMING BRAT SHIN KICK ATTACK! > "YEEEOUCH! KILL HIM!" The other two ninjas then attacked the kid. TIFF : So *that*'s why Master Sema told me to beware the Shin. TBS: Ba-dum ching. > Even though the ninjas seemed to be not too old, they sure > were powers. EMMY: Superpowers action figures, to be precise. WAND: Squeeze their knees and they throw a punch! > "RUSHING ATTACK!" The kid laid some powerful hits on the > yellow-colored ninja. TIFF : First the jaundice, now this. My life sucks. TBS: ... holy hell, this kid's karate class must have really kicked ass. > But it wasn't enough, as the dark-blue ninja picked up the kid > from behind by the nerve center by the neck. EMMY: Need some nerves? Come on down to Nerve Center! We've got ganglia, vertebrae, synapses... WAND: You see, he *says* "nerve center" when what he *means* is "scruff." > "Seems this kid is very powerful," said the olive-green ninja. TIFF : The alternative is admitting that we suck. > We have to get rid of him." WAND : Okay, but first answer me this. Why the *hell* are you olive green? TBS : I... er... well... WAND : You've been eating crayons again, haven't you? > "Agreed. Our brother is in pain," said the dark-blue ninja. TBS: What about the puce ninja, huh? Doesn't anyone care about his feelings? > But suddenly, James jumped out of the back room, WAND : There's *no* business like *show* business it's like *no* business I *knowww*! EMMY : ...sweet mother of God. > "SHINKU AKAI HA-DO-KEN!" TIFF: "Shinkuu Akai Hadou Ken"? What is that, an SDM Shinkuu Hadou Ken? EMMY: Well, "akai" means "red"-- WAND: Wait a minute. That's what the game magazines called the Shakunetsu Hadoken at first. Red Hadoken. TIFF: So it *is* an SDM Shinkuu Hadoken. MMK: EVIL! He's EVIL! > A large red fire beam erupted out of James's > hands, knocking the olive-green ninja unconscious. EMMY : Okay, to be perfectly honest, it killed him. WAND : Actually, it incinerated him. TBS : Fine. I'll come clean. It vaporized him, and sent his remains into outer space. MMK : Damnit, you got me. It actually did absolutely nothing. > "??? EMMY: Subtitles provided by the Sunday funnies. WAND : Rowr, naughty kitty, meow. EMMY: ...what the hell was that? WAND: Look, if you can't *handle* my dirty street poetry... > Who are you?" asked the dark-blue ninja, throwing the > eight-year old kid down behind him. TIFF: I see the blue one likes Victor Borge. > The yellow and olive-green ninjas were unconscious. MMK : We are dead. Move along. > "James, black belt at Master Sema's school," said James. TBS : Now hold your arm out so I can flip you. > An 18-year old, about 5 foot 7 inches tall, James was in pretty good > shape. WAND : I'm talkin' to *you*, ladies. > He was bigger than any of the attackers. MMK: Oh great. Ninja midgets. TBS : Don't call me a midget! I'll break your kneecap! > "You don't match me. TIFF : I'm a winter, and you're *clearly* an autumn! > Come for me, puny warrior," said the dark-blue ninja. [EMMY snickers.] > James then attacked the dark-blue ninja. The > ninja blocked, then threw two well-placed round kicks into > James's solar-plexus. ALL: YAY! > But James, being known for taking hits, WAND: The kids around town called him King Bong. > just shook them off. ALL: BOO! MMK: The process of making cheese is known as "noselling." TBS: Wow. I thought it was called cheesemaking. MMK: Stick with me, kid. I'll larn ya. > The ninja continued with his hook kicks and > side kicks, but James easily countered. WAND: I get the feeling that James' only countermove is crossing his arms in front of his face. > "You're good," said the dark-blue ninja, EMMY : Say... wanna go for a cup of coffee after this? > then he rushed James. James, ready, performed the EMMY: SMURF-YU-KEN! > "SHO-RYU-REPPA!" WAND: And drained his combo bar. Moron. > He knocked the dark-blue ninja for a loop, EMMY: This, of course, warped him to Stage 3. TBS : Oh, crap. This is the sled stage, isn't it? > then as he was falling, James > followed it, "USHIRO SHINKU AKAI HA-DO-KEN!" MMK: And "ushiro" means...? EMMY: "Reverse." How did he hit him if he was firing away from him? TBS: It's a reverse red fireball. So it's actually blue. [EMMY nods.] > The blue ninja was > knocked totally unconscious. Then, out of nowhere, the > three ninjas were sucked into a portal. TIFF: An attack so overpowered, it ripped a hole in the plot. MMK : Ninjas, please report to "Crash Bandicoot: Warped." > "Man, you're good," said the eight-year old kid. "Your chi power > is awesome!" TBS: Chi tea? I love that stuff! > "I've been through a time, Chris" said James. EMMY : I got the adjectives kicked out of me. > "Master Sema's dead now, WAND : I'm Master Sema and I'm dead now. I don't know *what* the fuck happened. > and now I'm following him." EMMY: He's dead, and he's not going anywhere. TIFF: But he was talking, was he not? EMMY: Point. > "May I follow you, James?" asked Chris? WAND: The part of Chris will be played by Solveig Dommartin. > "I don't wish to endanger > your life," said James. "I don't plan to return alive." EMMY : I mean, c'mon. Any excuse to leave Jersey, right? > "With all the dark magic, no one's safe," said Chris. WAND: That's not dark magic. It's just New York law enforcement. TBS : It's Giuliani time! > "My family's sick from the evil air, MMK: Then... TIFF : Make one fart joke and I'll rip your lungs out through your nose with a claw hammer. MMK: Awww. > and so is everyone else. If the healthy ones, no matter their age, > don't band together to fight this, we'll all be dead soon enough." EMMY : Lemme guess. Grammar lessons from Master Sema? WAND : How'd guess you? > "I still need a partner," said James. "Even if I make a secret > presence, TIFF: ...narration by the Babelfish. > my defense isn't good enough yet to counter the likes > of Ryu, Akuma, or Liu Kang." TBS : I trained specifically to beat up goofy-colored ninjas. > "I'll team with you," said Chris. "I've developed chi power > also." WAND: Okay, now that's disturbing. MMK: Orochi Chris was nasty. He's fourteen. Bao's nasty. He's twelve. By KOF Logic, this Chris should be a complete bastard. > "I guess you gave that yellow ninja a pretty good whack," said > James. "Too bad you were triple-teamed. MMK : I guess it's nothing new to you, huh? TIFF: Hey! > I guess if you're going > to follow me, you might as well join me." EMMY : Just stay downwind, okay? > "I picked up Master Sema's partner's invitation. He gave it to > me, fearing Akuma's presence." TBS: Jeez, they really will let just *anybody* into Mortal Kombat nowadays. > "Then, I guess you know where this tournament's being held," > said James. EMMY : Hmmmm... says here... Chuck E. Cheese's! TIFF : Let me look at this... "invitation." > "Yes, I do," said Chris. "There's a boat leaving New York this > afternoon. Maybe be best TBS : --a loo bop, a bop bam boom! > that we board." > "Yes, but secretly," said James. WAND : I shall be as sly as a Yucatan tree toad. EMMY : Are they really sly? WAND : I don't know. I just made that up. > "Don't want the big cheese know we're onto him." MMK: Oh. They're going to Little Tokyo then? > SHINNOK'S LAIR, THE NETHEREALM WAND: Try the fintoozler! > "You idiot 3 Ninjas can't even deliver Master Sema a message?" > bellowed Shinnok. "I should bury you alive!" EMMY: And miss out on more of their wacky antics? Cruel! > "There were complications. TBS: We lost the baby. > There was this eight-year old kid there, plus a fighter with > worse moves than Ryu, also Master Sema was DEAD!" said Colt. TBS : Repeat that again. WAND : Master Sema was... TBS : No, a little further back. WAND : Well, there was this fighter... TBS : Further than that. WAND : The eight-year old kid? TBS : ... WAND : Sir? TBS : An eight-year old kid stopped you from delivering the message? WAND : Well, we were teasing him, and he kicked me and-- TBS : You're on shit work, son. > "I was going to end your miserable lives, but now I see TBS : ...that getting gobsmacked by an eight-year-old kid is punishment enough. WAND : But he *kicked* me! > that we have some stalkers," said Shinnok. MMK : Shinnok, we love you! TBS : I'll kill myself for you, Shinnok! TIFF : Why won't you return my calls, Shinnok? > "Must've been Akuma's dirty > work killing Master Sema, but who in the world could've blasted > Rocky and Colt with such a powerful beam besides Ryu, Akuma, or > Cyclops?" EMMY: [counts on fingers] Dark Sakura, Iron Man, War Machine, Iceman, Magneto, Dr. Doom, Thanos, Mega Man, Onslaught, Abyss, that chick from TohShinDen 3 who can't move her legs, Robo Z, Robo Z Gold, Leader Force Ed, Alys, Rolf, Chaz, Dejiko, Ranma, Ryoga, Lina Inverse, Naga, Zelgadis, Amelia, Naota, John, Paul, George and Ringo. MMK: And Jerry Mathers as the Beaver! > "I don't know, but that young kid also has special powers," said > Tum Tum. TIFF : He can always shake just two aspirin out of the bottle. TBS : He's got a glow-in-the-dark liver. > "I think they're working together." MMK : *If* yaknowwhutImean. > "At least they're not coming to the tournament. They're not > invited. TBS : I'm so glad that Mortal Kombat now has a dress code! > Else they would ruin the balance," said Shinnok in relief. WAND : After all, it's inconceivable that they would have found an invitation that someone else dropped like a moron! > "I have enough problems with that murderer, raging demon > master, Akuma." TIFF : What's the big deal? You're the one who can utilize any martial art! MMK : Let me explain to you how the Shun Goku Satsu works, son... > "Akuma's entering the tournament, Master Shinnok," said Rocky. > "Said to be with an X-men person who wants to fight him after > they team to kill you." EMMY: And in this story, it's probably somebody lame like Kitty Pryde or Longshot. WAND: Kitty Pryde *owns* you, lunchbucket. > "Probably Wolverine, Rock," said Shinnok. "They gave teams fits > in the original Apocalypse tournament." > "Dang it!" yelled Kintaro coming in. TBS : Gosh darn it! I can't believe this caa-caa! I don't give forty-nine cents about this sheepstorm! > "More assaults on our base, Master Shinnok." TBS: And ketchup! Lotsa ketchup! > "Probably those idiots from Rayden's Mortal Kombat, > Defenders of the Realm," said Shinnok. WAND: I always wondered why they changed the spelling. Does someone else have the Japanese pantheon copyrighted? > "Scorpion, Sub-Zero, Kitana, Liu Kang, Sonya, and Johnny Cage, > probably. TBS: Round up the usual suspects. > Just invite them into the tournament. TIFF : We shall give them... NASTY PAPER CUTS! > Then, we can take them out fair and square." WAND: Huh. All things considered, these villains don't seem like such bad guys. > "Yes, master," said Kintaro. Kintaro was killed in the Mortal > Kombat II Outworld Tournament, TBS: ...but he's not willing to let death ruin his life. > but was revived somehow by Shinnok > after many failed attempts by both Shang Tsung and Shao Kahn. EMMY: Instant plot device. Just add water. > He is also more powerful than his previous form. MMK: Thanks, Sledgehammer of Plot! > "The time is almost here. Just waiting for Ryu, Ken, Sean, Chun > Li, Guile, Blanka, and Sakura to arrive Then, I'll hold the > greatest tournament of all time: TBS : KING OF TIDDLYWINKS 2000! > STREET FIGHTER VS. MORTAL KOMBAT!" TIFF: "Greatest tournament of all time?" Pfft. Where's Kyo? Where's Iori? WAND: Where's Terry? Where's Mai? MMK: WHERE'S KIM?! > CHAPTER 2: THE ROAD TO KOMBAT EMMY: ...begins with a single kick. WAND: ...was paved with good intentions. TBS: ...didn't know where it was going, but it did know where it had been. > THE DOCK BY THE SHIP IN NEW YORK CITY TIFF: ...that Jack built! > Eliza Masters was sitting on the dock, waiting for Ken to unpack > all of his things. WAND : Sitting at the dock of the bay, waiting for my hubby to get unpacked today... TIFF : Sitting at the dock of the bay, wasting time! > Ken wasn't a young boy anymore, TBS: As Eliza had found out firsthand on their wedding night. WAND: Little boy, yes, granted; but not young. > he was about forty, EMMY: Shut up! WAND: Look, so you're thirty. It's not the end of the-- EMMY: You shut up too! WAND: ... > and his child, Mel, was about twelve. TBS : You know. Approximately. Look, does it matter? > "You sure you want to participate in this tournament, Ken?" asked > Eliza. MMK : You damn straight! We can stay up all night swapping manly fighter-type stories, and in the morning, Blanka is making *waffles*! > "Of course, dear." said Ken. "This is the fourth Street Fighter > tournament. Besides, Ryu's in it." TBS : Doesn't he have a restraining order on you? EMMY : He loves me! He just doesn't know it! TBS : And that's why you killed his dog? EMMY : Damn bitch didn't like him anyway. TBS : And *nailed* it to the *wall?* With a flashing neon "Don't Fuck With the Ken" sign plugged in next to it? With the flaming Illuminati pyramid? EMMY : No comment. > "But, you're not so young anymore," said Eliza. "Aren't you > afraid of injury?" WAND : 'S cool. I can afford lawyers. I'll just sue for compensation. > "Of course not," said Ken confidently. "I'm not going alone, > either." TBS : Rambo. Get out here. > Suddenly, a car pulled up into the parking lot and pulled right > next to Ken's. He was a black man of about twenty, EMMY: The *car*'s a black man? MMK: It's a special guest appearance by Turbo Teen! > and wore a green suit resembling Ken's. "Hey man, how's life going, > bud?" WAND: I see Sean's dropping the jive talk like a gang-banging East Side thug, yo. EMMY: I call no more hip-hop speak. WAND: Word. > It was Sean, Ken's top student. [ALL break out into helpless giggling.] > "Excellent," said Ken, "save that I have to leave Eliza and Mel > for a while." TBS : You see, I've... met someone. > "I guess it'll be fun meeting Ryu and some of the people again." TIFF : Y'know... the people. [pause] With the names. [pause] And the fights. [pause] I like waffles! > "Hey Dad," said Mel, "if you get into a hard match, remember, WAND : Stopthrust. > there's supposedly a tale about a kid that escaped the evil air a > bit south and is headed in the direction you're going in. MMK : So if you see him, give him a boot to the head for me, okay? > Imagine how hard it was for him just to get out of that place." WAND: I just wish they'd stop handing me New Jersey jokes on a plate. EMMY: It'd be rude not to take them. WAND: But I'll get indigestion. > heard of that story, but it's all rumor, Mel," said Ken. MMK : You know, like ape-men living in the Brazilian jungle. TBS : Hey, everybody! MMK : ...I want you to ignore that, Mel. > "No one could survive that evil air down there." EMMY: That California smog must've gotten *really* bad in the future. > "I don't think so," said Mel. "I believe it." TIFF : Mel, you also believe you can fly. In retrospect, the Lewis Carroll school of child pacification was a *bad* idea... > Ken and Sean sigh, > "Kids, where do they get their stories from?" MMK: Storybooks? TIFF: It's the '90s, Knight. MMK <^_^ing>: Oh yeah. TV and that Internet thing. WAND: Because we *know* they don't read the *newspaper.* > Eliza replied, "I think Mel's right, Ken. Even if he's not, it's > a powerful motivator. You never know, big guy." EMMY: Driving out of New Jersey and kicking Gill in the head are on, shall we say, two different levels of achievement. TIFF : Next time you walk down to the dairy to get a loaf of bread and feel tired, just think about the kid who escaped from the EVIL AIR! > "You're right, just to think how an eighteen-year old and an > eight-year old could possibly escape the evilest of air," > said Sean. TBS: It's the illest of winds! MMK: That air be *illin'*, yo. EMMY : Air. It's everywhere. It's EVERYWHERE! > "I'm about his age, and I know I couldn't fight it off. He's got > to be an awesome fighter, whomever he is, if it's true." TIFF : Right now, I can withstand up to "annoying air." > Mel said, "Dad, I'm worried if that demon Akuma's going to be in the > tournament." WAND: What's he worried about? He inherits the estate. > Sean came in and said, "Akuma's has to be close to 60 years old > right now, how can he still keep up to pace with us?" TBS : Time to end this. INCONTINENT HELL MURDER! > Ken butted in, "Sean, MMK : You ignorant slut. > don't be too cocky. Akuma still has the RAGING DEMON, you know." EMMY: It's horrifying. He's nasty enough already with his Ankoku Shotokan, and now he becomes a summoner. MMK: And you should see his *pants!* > "I forgot," said Sean slumping away. WAND: So he tattooed "Akuma has the Raging Demon" on his arm. > "Heard he killed some karate master down south with that recently." TIFF: Those generic karate masters should be more careful. TBS: Yeah. They're dropping like flies. > Guile and Blanka then arrived in a U.S. Army Jeep. MMK : This thing's sweet! It's got Grunt tyres, Grunt engine, Grunt side-intrusion bars, Grunt roof-mounted M60... TBS : I still miss the old Bluesmobile. MMK : Oh, I traded that in. TBS : You traded in the Bluesmobile? How could you? MMK : I needed more super meter. TBS : Okay. I can dig that. MMK : It has cupholders too. Isn't that sweet? > Guile bought one recently when the Army had a sell-off to buy > new technology. WAND: Yeah, because the *Army* really needs *funding*. > "Hey Ken, long time, no see," said Guile. EMMY : I used to spend all my time kicking you in the head. But we're friends! > "It's been some time," said Blanka. "Hey Ken, you have a student > now?" TIFF: Unfortunately, it all came out as "Growf! Rowr! Snarl!" > "Yes," said Sean. "Name's Sean. Nice to meet you." Sean then > shook hands with Blanka, getting a little shock. "OUCH! Why > you...," said Sean. MMK : Arr, arr, arooooo! (Ha! Tricked you!) EMMY: Introducing... the Blanka Brand Stealth Joybuzzer! TIFF: Fool your friends! EVERY TIME! > "EASY!" yelled Ken, calming Sean down. TBS : Why, yes, I am. > "Sorry about that," apologized Blanka. WAND : No, you're not. EMMY : No, I'm not. > "I channel electricity > through my body, thanks to that madlord Bison." TIFF: Oh, geez, it's the *talking* Blanka. MMK: He must've been trading notes with Hank McCoy. > "So Ken, going to the fourth Street Fighter tournament?" asked > Guile. WAND : Nah, I'm just trying to earn a little extra cash. Hello, sailor. TIFF: Grr... WAND: Behave. > "Yes. So is Sean." EMMY : He's sort of like my golf handicap. > "This kid is going with you, Ken?" asked Blanka. "What about his > life? Street-Fighting is dangerous." TBS: Yeah, you could get arrested. MMK <^_^ing>: No, that's *fighting* on the *street*. There's a difference. > "Don't make me tell you, WAND : I've got *words*! And I'm not afraid to use them! EMMY : Ack! Okay, okay, I give up! > but Sean's Ken's top student, better than me," said Mel. > > "Who are you?" Blanka looked at the kid. MMK , TBS : We're the Masters Brothers! TIFF : And the Masters sister! > "Oh, Blanka, chill," said Eliza. TIFF: ...Eliza said 'chill.' [MMK opens his mouth.] TIFF: No. MMK <^_^ing>: What? > "That's Ken's son, Mel. He's also a black belt in karate." EMMY : He got it free in a box of taffy jacks. > "SHO-RYU-KEN!" Mel performed an exact copy of Ken's Dragon Punch. WAND: Damn shotoclones are multiplyin' like jackrabbits... > "Well, you certainly are a splendid boy," said Guile. EMMY: Script written by D. H. Lawrence. TBS: Sweet God, no. > "But Ken, why are you dragging Sean into this tournament?" MMK : If I use him as a shield, I won't take block damage. > "Because I WANT TO GO!" said Sean. "I want to be the best Street > Fighter!!!" [ALL break into helpless giggling again.] WAND : I'm a Grimald warrior!! > "Looks like you taught him your exact attitude," said Blanka. "I > guess you'll make a good team." > > "Thanks," said Ken. TBS : I was being sarcastic. EMMY : I know. > "You better get going," said Eliza. "The ship seems ready to go." EMMY : From the rooftops, shout it out... shout it out... > "Oh yes," said Ken, as the four competitors grabbed their > luggage. "Time to get going!" Ken waved back to his family. WAND : Bye, Eliza! Bye... [long pause] ...Eliza's son. > "Good luck, boys! Don't come back hurt!" yelled Eliza. Z-BOT : STAY ALIVE, NO MATTER WHAT OCCURS! FOR I WILL FIND YOU... MMK: Hi, Z-Bot. Z-BOT: Hi. Sorry. It was lonely in the lobby. EMMY: Licorice? Z-BOT: Don't mind if I do. > "Go for it, Dad!" said Mel. > > THE SHIP IN HONG KONG TIFF : Too far, Dad! You went too far! > Ken, Guile, Blanka, and Sean were waiting on the ship after it > docked in Hong Kong. TBS: They were dragging the dinghy with the brutish New Zealand karate master in it. > "Man, I'm sick. When will this ride be totally over?" asked Sean. WAND: ...so Sean is a ghetto surfer? EMMY: He's like, radically wack. MMK : I am, like, so totally *blazed* right now. > "Whenever we reach Shaolin Island," said Guile. ALL : They sailed aboard a tiny ship, a tiny ship that's lost... > "That's where the tournament will be held." TIFF : But we've got to shop around for coconuts and books in the library first. The library is the best part of the island. > "I wonder why we stopped here?" asked Blanka. Three faces walked > onto the ship. Z-BOT : Woops. Sorry. We're looking for the FaceBall 200 tournament. > One was most familiar, it was the Street Fighter > that was well-known worldwide: Ryu. The other faces: WAND: --one was crying, and one was laughing. EMMY: --one was normal, and one was horribly acid-scarred. TIFF: --one was smiling on the outside, the other was crying on the inside. > One was Chun Li, TBS: She was friends with the Turtles, right? Z-BOT: Nope, that was April O'Neil. TBS: Oh, then she was the hard-bitten journalist and drug addict who went to Las Vegas? MMK: That's Hunter S. Thompson. TBS: Oh. MMK: And he's a guy. TBS: Oh. Then who is she? MMK: She's the secret ingredient in pre-packaged pasta sauce. TBS: Mamma mia! > the news reporter/Street Fighter, TIFF: Out of curiosity, when did she drop Interpol for news reporting? WAND: Just assume the van Damme movie is canon. TIFF: But it isn't. WAND: Well, just pretend. > and the last one was Sakura. Ryu was now about forty, Chun Li was > thirty-five, and Sakura twenty-five. MMK: So it'd be justified if Sakky and Ryu are sleeping together, yesiree... EMMY: It is *never* justified for those to be sleeping together. WAND: *NEVER*. > "Hey Ken, old buddy," said Ryu. "How have you been doing?" > > "OK, and yourself?" asked Ken. > > "A little banged up. TBS : Sorry 'bout that, Ryu. Tee hee. TIFF: 'Banged up', Snot, not 'knocked up.' TBS: There's a difference? [TIFF sighs.] > I got a little roughed up by some freak named John, then by some > young kid named Ryan. EMMY : Let me guess. Eight-year-old shotoclones? MMK : [nods sadly] I'm scared. Hold me, Ken. > Ryan must have been no older than ten years old, yet > it was one of the toughest fights in my life. [ALL start coughing. It sounds suspiciously like 'bullshit.'] > I won both, but I'm > not in peak condition. Plus, I get seasick very easily." Z-BOT : And I'm itchy. And I've got a headache. And I want my mommy. > Sean walked away and sat on the other side. > > "Too bad, Ryu," said Ken. "So, what's up with you and Sakura?" EMMY : The restraining order didn't work out. > "I'm thinking about getting married," said Ryu. [ALL spittake.] > "I wish to have my own son so that I may train him." MMK: Uh... you don't have to be married to have kids, Ryu. > "Having a son is a big responsibility, Ryu," said Ken. EMMY: Yeah. For one thing, you have to provide him with room and board. Do you think your wandering life can supply that? TIFF: What if they have a *girl* first? TBS : Then we'll just *keep trying* until we get it right! Tee hee hee! [TIFF glares at TBS.] TBS: What? *What?* > "But it's > one, even though it's a hard one, I don't regret. He's got his > black belt now and is my second-highest student." > > "My goodness," said Ryu. "How old is he?" WAND : He's older than the desert sands, more ancient than the tallest mountains. He spans infinitely, endlessly though the cosmos. [Long pause.] WAND : He's only three-and-a-half years old! > "Twelve. He started training at five years old, MMK : CHIBI-SHORYUKEN! > and got his black > belt on his eleventh birthday. It took him about six years to get > it." EMMY : But after a friendly "conversation" with the dojo leader, I got them to see things my way and gave the sucker to him. > "Pretty good," said Ryu. "So, I guess that person's your highest > student," said Ryu while he looked at Sean. WAND : What, you couldn't find Dan? > "Excuse me, Ryu, what were you saying?" asked Sean. TIFF : I'm going to marry Sakura. MMK : SWEET FAIRY MOSES, NOOOOOOOOOOO! > "Oh, I was just saying that you were Ken's highest student," said > Ryu. WAND: Y'know, that says a lot for Ken's teaching abilities, if his two highest students are Sean and a twelve-year-old. > "Yeah, and a street fighting freak," said Sean. Z-BOT : He's a superfreak! Super-freaky! OW! > "I know," said Ryu. "You did very well for yourself in the third > Street Fighter tournament. But those days wind down even for me, > as I think of getting married..." EMMY : Because I can't have a wife and fight at the same time. It requires too much coordination. TBS : [nods] Ever get the hang of chewing gum and walking at the same time? [EMMY weeps openly.] > "MARRIED?" Sean almost fainted. "I can't believe it." WAND : Yeah, I was sick of sex anyway. > "Yes. Sakura and I are almost there." TIFF : Mind you, the ring he gave me was made from *bamboo*, but it's the thought that counts, right? > "I guess I'll be the strongest single woman in the world then," > said Chun-Li. WAND: ...did she just admit she's jobbed to Sakura? > "I'm going to win this tournament." Z-BOT: Hint: take out the Fangs first for a high score! > "N'so fast," said Sean. "I'll take you anyday, girl." MMK: Wow. Forward, isn't he? TBS: Oh, that Sean. He's just after those legs. MMK: Couldn't agree with you more. TBS: Of course, can you blame him? He's just a healthy growing boy-- [EMMY and TIFF glare at TBS and MMK.] TIFF: ...quit that. > "You're as arrogant as Ken once was," said Chun Li. "C'mon, boy." Z-BOT: Apparently, she *likes* arrogant jerks. MMK : You remind me so much of... [dreamy sigh] Dan Hibiki-sama! > "Stop the challenging," said Guile. EMMY : One more word and I'll handcuff-throw the lot of you! > "You'll have enough of it at > the fourth Street Fighter tournament." > > "I guess you're right," said Sean. Later than night, when > everyone was asleep, WAND: ...Sean crept from bunk to bunk with a sharp knife. > Ryu and Sakura were on the shipdeck alone. EMMY : I'm going to jump ship and swim right off of this fic! > "Ryu, we've been dating for about five years now," said Sakura. TBS : Yeah. And you *still* haven't put out yet! What's the deal? All my friends are laughing at me, and... > "Are you ready to ask yet?" WAND : All right, already! I'll ask for directions! > "I'll let you know, dear," said Ryu. "I love you, and the time > will be right soon." EMMY: He's gonna step out for a pack of cigarettes on his honeymoon, and Sak's never gonna see him again. > Ryu and Sakura start hugging on the deck. TBS : We do? MMK : Well, that's what the script says. I guess we do it. [TBS and MMK make moves to hug one another, then look at each other.] TBS: ...I request a writing change. MMK: Wuss. > "One day, Ryu, we will have a great son as a Street Fighter." Ryu > nodded, "He'll be better than me, but he won't have to do the > tireless wandering." TIFF : He'll wander and get really tired really quickly! > Sakura then said, "Ryu, why were you so emotionless all those years?" EMMY: He was in character, I think. > "I guess my parents' death," said Ryu. "But after I defeated > Akuma, I felt something was very empty. I felt like I was > missing something...." Z-BOT: His wallet. He left it in El Segundo. > "I see," said Sakura. "It must have been hard on you." "I'm glad > Sagat and I finally made up. We had a big fight, but in the end, > we earned each others' respect. WAND: Which is a polite way of saying, "He beat the ever-loving *crap* out of me." > That was the most important thing then..." MMK: G! T! A! TWOOOOOOOOOO! > "Until your son is born," said Sakura. "That'll be the most > important thing." EMMY: No. That will be the most *frightening* thing. > Ryu nodded slowly. "Yes, Sakura." WAND: Crack that whip! TIFF : CALL ME QUEEN! OHOHOHOHOHOO! MMK : Yes, mistress. How may I service you today? > CHAPTER 3: SHINNOK'S WELCOME > > THE RECEPTION ROOM, SHAOLIN ISLAND WAND: Conveniently located just southwest of Topeka, Kansas. > Ryu, Ken, Chun Li, Sean, Sakura, Guile, and Blanka walked into > the reception room after getting off the ship at Shaolin Island. EMMY: Then they promptly threw up. > Little that they know that they were being followed by James and > Chris very secretly. Z-BOT : I was so heavily disguised that not even my own mother would recognize me. TIFF : Evening, James. Z-BOT : Evening, mother. > In a corner, in monk disguises, James and Chris were talking. TBS: As opposed to doing other things... [TIFF glares at TBS.] TBS : ...like making pancakes. MMK : EX-CELLENT. > "Man James, these competitors seem very tough," said Chris. WAND : I had to lose a round every time I fight a match against them. > "I know," repled James. "They're the best in the world. Z-BOT : So what the hell are Sean and Sakura doing here? TIFF : Well, I... huh? > The ones > to the right are the Street Fighters. The ones to the left are > the Mortal Kombat: Defenders of the Realm team. EMMY: How does he pronounce the colon? TBS: Like this! [makes two consecutive popping noises] > Plus, there are villains here as well. TIFF : So who're those guys hanging out in the back? WAND : They're the War Gods. Don't make eye contact. > Bison was revived, as well as Shao Kahn. EMMY: I don't think he's really treating coming back from the *dead* with the respect it deserves. > Plus, Dhalsim has joined Reptile in freeing his race." Z-BOT : Silly bastard. > "Anybody else that we need to worry about," asked Chris. EMMY : Let's see. [counts on fingers] Alex, Cammy, Dan, Dee Jay, Elena, Fei Long, Gill, Guy, Ibuki, Pullum Purna, R. Mika, Rolento, Allan Schneider, T. Hawk, Urien, Zangief... > Suddenly, a mysterious person slammed open the door. "SHOOOZU!" TIFF: You see, he closed it on his foot. TBS: Oh, yeah? Well, I got your "SHOOZU!" right here, buddy! > He was about the same size as Ryu and Ken, was a bit older, > around 60, and had ominous-looking red hair. MMK: Ominous Hair Gel! Look like a badass with this "killer" hairdo. Get your own topknot today! > "Akuma!" James told Chris quietly, but angrily. "He's the one > that killed Master Sema." > > "He must be evil," said Chris. WAND: Well, that's dependent on your definition of evil. [A beat.] WAND: *YES*, HE'S EVIL, YOU COAL-BURNING *TURBO* WANKER! > "And who's that?" asked Chris > pointing to a person with nasty-looking claws in a yellow suit. EMMY: Looks like Sabretooth got the Mask. > "That's Wolverine, of the X-Men," said James. "He's only teaming > with Akuma so they can fight each other later without interference." MMK: That's what teamwork's all about, innit? Z-BOT : So! Wolverine has come himself. Okay then! I shall get Wolverine to fight me, heh heh heh! > "Why would Wolverine, a fighter of justice, team with someone so > evil?" asked Chris. EMMY: Not evil he is, misunderstood just is he! TIFF: The price of CHEE POWURZ is eternal dyslexia. [nods sagely] > "Wolvie's not such a good guy," said James. "He indeed does fight > for justice, but is also in it for the fight, similar to Ryu. TBS : He's a pixie like Strider Hiryu. He has horizontal slash supers like Raizo. And he's yellow like... [clears throat] Leader Force Ben. > He'll sometimes do ANYTHING just to get a good fight." MMK : Like that time he ran into a fat farm with a hot pizza. > "Including, teaming with that demon?" asked Chris? "That's NOT > honorable." TIFF : Dare you to tell him that to his face. TBS : Nah. I'll just get a cucumber sandwich. > "Trust me, Wolvie's not so bad," said James. "He won't kill > anyone in battle, unless it's someone despicable like Shinnok." WAND : Actually... EMMY: You set him straight, fanboy. > "What about Akuma?" asked Chris. "He's no example of good." MMK : I mean... *look* at him! He doesn't raise his pinky when he drinks tea! > "Akuma only kills if he wants your power," said James. TBS : So he's evil. TIFF : He's just misunderstood! > "Plus, he's only in it to fight only the best, although he does it > in the wrong way. MMK: Ah, the simple, pure wisdom of a child. > Unfortunately, our master had an invite and was a > great fighter, making him a target for Akuma." WAND: Akuma wants only to battle great fighters, so he kills them, thereby reducing the overall pool of great fighters, which... means he didn't think this through very well. TBS: Told ya he was getting senile. > "I see," said Chris. "I still don't like him." EMMY : I despise competition. > "I don't either," said James. "But we can't underestimate him." > "True," said Chris. TIFF: Because they knew, deep in their hearts, that hating someone doesn't make them magically suck. > "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen," said a sinister-looking wizard. TBS: Look! It's Saruman, from _Lord of the Rings 2: Hyper Hobbits_! > He was flanked by three ninja guards, the same colors as those > James and Chris fought, as well as Kintaro and Motaro. Z-BOT: And Yanni on synthesizer. > "Aren't those.....," asked Chris? > "Yes, they sure are," said James. WAND : The Cute Little Ninjas. > "Those ninjas obviously work for him." > "I don't like this," said Chris. MMK: What? Were you expecting the Samurai Pizza Cats? Is that what you wanted, you *brat*? > "Then, let's lay low," said James. > "My name is Shinnok, tournament master. You have been invited to > the greatest tournament of all time. EMMY : Extreme Tiddlywinks! > It is no longer the fourth > Street Fighter tournament..." Ryu, Ken, Sean, and the other > Street Fighters looked at themselves in disbelief. TIFF: Do they get their participation fee back? > "It is no longer the Mortal Kombat tournament exclusively, > either," said Shinnok. WAND : It's the "Deadly Towers" Tournament! [ALL scream.] > Rayden protested, "But only those of the bloodline are allowed to > participate," said Rayden. "It would be against Mortal Kombat > rules." MMK : I mean, not one of these people even *has* a stylish hat, let alone attacks with it! EMMY: So if Gen-Fu came along, would he be allowed to enter? > "Under Shao Kahn's," said Shinnok. "But, now it's my tournament. TBS : MINE MINE MINE! > I am going to call it STREET FIGHTER: WORLD OF MORTAL KOMBAT!" > Everyone looked in disbelief. Z-BOT: Us included. TIFF: You said it. > "You will need a partner. You will fight against each other for > a while. Akuma, Wolverine, you here?" asked Shinnok. > Akuma and Wolverine stepped up. WAND : You best be backin' off my skeez, bitch. > "Here's how the tournament will go. The 16 of the rest of you > will fight in 2-person teams until one is remaining. TBS : [grabs head] You didn't tell me this would involve math! MMK : Argh! Math be hard! Let's go shoppin'! > The winner will then face masters Akuma and Wolverine here." EMMY: Ooh. First round bye. How nice of them. > James gasped, "That's going to be hard..." WAND : Hard, throbbing, and ready for love! > "Then, the winner of that match will face the Three Ninjas in a > tag-style match. Then, if you're lucky enough to survive that, > you'll face Apocalypse and Motaro. Z-BOT : And then you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... WIIIIIIITH... A HERRING! > And, if you so beat that, you'll face me two-on-one," pronounced Shinnok. MMK : And after that, you face John Saxon, Sammo Hung and Steve Blackman in a pentuple threat match to determine the first ranked competitor for the UWF hardcore championship. TBS : And after *that*, things get a bit more interesting. > Chris mumbled, "This is going to be hard...." TIFF: I need a stiff drink. EMMY: Tell it, sister. > "Let's go," said James. "We don't want to be directly involved. > Our mission is Akuma and Wolverine, not the tournament. We'll > fight when the time's right." MMK : Yeah. Screw this honor and plot stuff. > James and Chris slipped out of the room quietly. TBS: Biters! BITERS! > "Form your teams, then report to the designated stations. You > have five hours, then the tournament begins!" Shinnok and his > guards then flanked out of the room, Shinnok first, then Kintaro > and Motaro, then the Three Ninjas. TIFF: They were still viciously derided by the other fighters for being in a Terry Bollea vehicle. > Ken and Sean looked at each other, "I guess we're joining up, as > we planned on doing," said Ken. > > "I won't let you down, master," said Sean. EMMY : Don't worry too much about that, Sean. You will. TBS : Okay, master. [A beat.] TBS : Say *what*? > Liu Kang and Kitana were also a mutual pair. MMK: Oh come ON! You're making this too easy, story! > A monk came in and announced some of the pairings, "Liu Kang and > Kitana, you will fight Guile and Blanka on the Waterfront Shores. Z-BOT : Standin' by the dock of the bay... kickin' ass. > Also, we have Ken and Sean teaming up, Bison and Shao Kahn, > you're a team, TBS: What happens if they kill each other before the first round? WAND: I think we've found the twink player. > and Rayden and Johnny Cage have teamed up. The > rest of you, find partners." MMK : And goddammit, get that Shriner out of the punchbowl! > Ryu was talking to Sakura. WAND: Instead of, say-- TIFF: Go ahead. I'm getting tired of this. WAND: ...damn. You killed my momentum. EMMY : MARVELOUS! > "Hey Ryu, I don't think it's such a good idea we team up," said > Sakura. Z-BOT : You might get... ideas. > "Why, honey?" asked Ryu. > > "Because if we have to fight at the end, I don't want to fight > you." said Sakura. ALL: Aaaaawwww. > "But what if we have to match during the tournament?" asked Ryu. TBS : Then maybe you'll actually use some foreplay. > "We can tag in our partners for those instances. That's why this > tournament is set up this way," said Sakura. WAND: Yes. The entire fucking tournament is set up so that your love life doesn't get in the way. Of course. EMMY: Why can't things go like this for me? > "But, who will be willing to join us?" Suddenly, two ninjas > walked up to Ryu and Sakura. TIFF: And mugged them. > "Is anybody here teamed up yet?" asked the light-blue ninja. > "No," said Ryu. "Why do you ask?" MMK : Because we are in charge of the betting pool for this event. EMMY : Yes! Do you desire to put down currency on the prospective winners? MMK : With the currency which you may acquire, you may wish to buy a copious amount of Slurpees! EMMY : Verily! Slurpees for all! > "I am Sub-Zero," said the light-blue ninja, "and this is > Scorpion," pointing to the yellow ninja. Scorpion turned away. TBS : Do not mind him. He suffers brain freeze. > "Why does he turn his back?" asked Sakura. > "Scorpion is a specter, he was killed by a renegade ninja," said > Sub-Zero. Z-BOT: That always puts a cramp into things. > "You must remind him of something he once knew. "My > father once had a friend who was assassinated by the Lin Kuei," > said Sakura. "It was by some master of ice, supposedly." MMK : Oh dear. How awkward. > "My brother," said Sub-Zero disgusted. "I'm really ashamed of the > disgrace he brought on the name Sub-Zero." WAND : Especially with Bob singing that accursed song every time he visits. TIFF: When exactly was the name of Sub-Zero considered honorable in the first--? EMMY: Tiff, you really need to stop questioning this. > Scorpion then talked, "You've grown very much older, Sakura." MMK : Now you merely *pass* for jailbait. > Sakura was stunned, "How do you know my name?" TBS : It is your name tag saying "HI! I'M SAKURA!" that provided me with the needed clue. > "Your father was a friend," said Scorpion. "I'm just trying to > remember my own family, the longer I support good, the more I > find out." WAND : And the less I believe I am Jet Li. EMMY : Yes. He has much been plagued with this affliction. WAND : It was, however, much better than the time I thought I was Zhang Ziyi. > Sakura couldn't believe it. She remembered once having a > baby-sitter who was very gentle. He was a great martial artist > and a former Lin Kuei. MMK : Heeeeee's a hypnotist. Hypnotist of ladies... > He taught her father many moves and she > incorporated them into the Shotokan she knew from following Ryu. Z-BOT: Scorpion was her babysitter? TBS: *There's* a therapy bill waiting to happen. > "Is it really you?" Scorpion turned away, > "Yes, it is me. Please turn away. My face is now nothing but this > blasted skull face." EMMY: The moral of the story: don't play with Dad's belt sander. > Scorpion then unmasked himself and turned towards Ryu and Sakura. TIFF : Get me! I am the famed Bones Suzuki! COSSACK DANCE! > It exposed a hideous skull. Ryu then prepared his "SHINKU...." MMK: ... BOOT TO THE HEAD? > "NO!" screamed Sakura. EMMY : Not in here! You'll embarrass me! > It scared Ryu's life out. "Why Sakura?" asked Ryu. "He's a demon, > like Akuma." Z-BOT: No, Akuma's a Ratio-4 demon. He's a ratio-2 demon at best. > "Oh, no he's not," said Sakura. "Some of the nicest people are > behind hideous faces." WAND : Like Shao Kah-- well, no... like Eyedol fro-- well, no... oh, like Lizardma-- oh, I give up. > Sakura was somehow able to picture the > man's face with Scorpion's, even though only a skull remained. > Scorpion remasked himself, "I'm sorry if I scared you." MMK : I do so to many people. I am a hit at Halloween parties. TBS : Yes! He gains copious amounts of candy. > "That's OK," said Ryu. "Ryu, I wish to team with Scorpion," said > Sakura. "I wish to find out more what happened and to appease my > friend." TIFF : That, and he reminds me of Ghost Rider. [TIFF puts her hands together and pretends to swoon.] TIFF : He's so *dreamy*... [sighs] > ".. OK," said Ryu." WAND: Am I the only one seeing extra punctuation? EMMY : You drank, and you didn't share. I thought you were my friend. > Scorpion and Sakura then hugged, ALL: Ewwwww! > then went to report to the monk. > The monk then announced, "Ken and Sean vs. Scorpion and Sakura in > the Wind Chamber." MMK : Pull my finger. > Ryu then looked around, "I wonder who I'm going to team up with?" > Sub-Zero then looked at him, "I'm partnerless, and looking for the > best fights. TBS : My turn-ons include walks on the beach, imbibing Slurpees, and breaking the icy corpses of my enemies into little itty bits. > It would be an honor to fight you at the end to see > who is the best fighter." EMMY : Oh, you're just saying that. WAND : No. Really. > "It's my honor, too," said Ryu. "I'm sure we'll work well." Ryu > and Sub then shook hands, then reported to the monk. > "Ryu and Sub-Zero vs. Rayden and Johnny Cage in the Mountains," > said the monk. Z-BOT: *Which* mountains? MMK: The chocolaty mountains of the Land of Dairy Queen would make a cool stage. Well, in Clayfighter... > Chun Li then looked at Sonya. "I guess we're stuck with each > other." EMMY: That sounds like the beginning of a lemon. > Sonya then said, "Oh great. I wish Jax was here, but I'll team > with you. At least we're both women." TBS: We hope. [MMK gasps and pales.] TIFF: What happened? [MMK murmurs to himself.] EMMY: What's going on? MMK: ...Chun-Li is Einhorn. Einhorn is Chun-Li! CHUN-LI IS EINHORN! YUCK! [MMK dry-heaves and then pulls a basketball-sized block of cinnamon gum out of his sleeves. He chews it with wild abandon.] > "We can see who's the strongest woman in the world after," said > Chun Li. Chun Li and Sonya then were the final team to report to > the monk. Z-BOT: Who, in fact, was merely Faris, desperately slumming for fanfic roles. > The monk then reported, "Chun Li and Sonya Blade vs. General M. > Bison and Emperor Shao Kahn in the Courtyard! TBS: J-O-B sense, tingling. > Let the tournament begin!" WAND: Does anyone else here smell a setup? [A beat.] ALL: Naah. > ---- > > CHAPTER 4 > THE MOUNTAINS, NORTHERN SHAOLIN ISLAND EMMY: Home of the Shaolin IRA. > Ryu and Sub-Zero finished the climb up the mountain. There, on > the top, was a monk holding a scroll. On the other side was Rayden, > alongside him was Johnny Cage. WAND: They were pointing and laughing at the idiots who hadn't taken the tram. TIFF: Johnny Cage, Dan Hibiki... separated at birth? > "I can't believe Sub-Zero is teaming with a non-team member. He > deserves a butt whooping," said Cage. MMK: Hell, we can't believe anyone would want to team up with *your* skanky ass, Johnny boy. TBS: Back that ass up! > "Don't underestimate Sub," said Rayden. "Or his partner. We're in > mortal forms right now, and we can be beaten." TIFF: And Cage isn't mortal? MMK: Don't you know? He died a while back. EMMY: Well, he should've stayed dead. > "I still don't like the idea of Shinnok running this tournament," > said Cage. Z-BOT : It makes my tiny little brain hurt. > "Neither do I," said Rayden. "But, we're here to fight, and we > have a fight on our hands." TBS : We are here to fight, and we have a fight on our hands! So we shall fight, for fighting is what we do! We shall fight, and then when the fighting is done, we shall have some more fights on our hands! MMK: Have you tried club soda? WAND: I prefer peanut butter. EMMY: If it's *that* bad, why not amputate? TIFF: Okay. Let's cut off Snot's arm! [A pause.] WAND: Tiffa, what the *hell* are you going on about? > Ryu and Rayden prepared to fight. Sub-Zero and Johnny Cage > backed off, while the monk recorded the start of the fight. Z-BOT: And here's the view from our exclusive MonkCam (TM). > "Ryu's team ready!" yelled the monk. "Rayden's team ready!" TBS : Blue course readaaaay! Red course readaaaaay! Courses clear, Racers READAAAAAAAAY! > Suddenly, Shinnok's voice echoed throughout the area, "FIGHT!" > > Ryu then engaged Rayden. WAND: I thought he wanted to marry Sakura. MMK: I'd take a thunder god over Sakura *any* day of the week. WAND: To each their own, I suppose. > He threw a few punches, which Rayden > easily blocked. Rayden countered with a side kick, which Ryu > blocked. TIFF: Lot of blocking going on here. TBS: I blame cheap players. > "HADOKEN!" MMK : CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT PSEUDO-FRENCH ACCENT! EMMY : But you're a Chinese thunder god with a misspelled nam-- AUGH! Massive illogic! Brain melting! > Rayden was thrown off with a blue fireball. > > "LIGHTNING BOLT 1!" WAND : Did I forget to mention that this is the "Street Fighter/Mortal Kombat/Final Fantasy/Suikoden Tournament?" TIFF : You're goin' down, Blue Boy. MMK : Just bring it. > Ryu dodged the bolt, then hook-kicked Rayden. Z-BOT: From the sidelines, Sabin cheered. > Rayden then charged, only to be kicked from above by Sub-Zero as > Ryu retreated. ALL: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! > "Dang it," said Rayden. TBS : Flibbityjibbit! > "SUPERMAN CHARGE!" > > Rayden flied WAND: ... > into his old Lin Kuei friend and rival, knocking > some wind out of him. TIFF: Trailing strips of bloody meat along the way... WAND: That's "flew," not "flayed." TIFF: Sorry, my bad. TBS: Wishful thinking, I suppose. > Sub-Zero then countered quickly, > > "ICE 1!" EMMY: This is turning into Kefka. MMK: No it isn't. EMMY: This is *turning* into *Kefka*. MMK: Calm down, man. > Rayden was frozen by the ice ball. Sub then uppercutted the God > of Thunder, but was swept off his feet by Rayden's quick recovery > sweep. WAND : Oh, Rayden, you manly man! > Rayden then tagged in his partner Johnny Cage. "Man, Sub, > you're such a loser. First, you leave the Lin Kuei, then us. EMMY : Neener neener neener! You fled a ninja terrorist group! > I'll make you pay," Johnny Cage taunted Sub. Sub then blindly > charged Cage. > > "SHADOW KICK!" MMK: SHADOW SKILL! WAND : Huge eyes and inconsistent character models... taunting me... AUGH! Brain melting! > Sub flew back in a hurry. "Don't let Cage's taunts get to you, > Sub-Zero," said Ryu. TBS : Just call his mom a whore. He hates that. > "SHADOW SHO-RYU-KEN!" > > Cage then tried a shadow version of the famous Sho-Ryu-Ken, but > Sub-Zero was ready. He caught Cage coming down, then performed > a bodyslam on him. "Ouch!" MMK : Mah God! Da' carnage! Da' carnage! > Cage then threw some round kicks and a > wheel kick that Sub-Zero easily blocked. Z-BOT: So Johnny broke down and decided to just start lobbing wheels at him instead. > Sub then formed an ice wall, while Ryu came flying-kicking in. > "Oh, crud," said Cage. > > "SHADOW FIREBALL!" > > Cage threw a fireball, but Ryu nullifed it, TIFF: Oh, fine, sure, just drag AT Fields into this no-sell festival while you're at it. > "HADOKEN!" > > Cage then tried his famous groin punch, TBS : Here's a little something I stole from Scott Steiner! > but Ryu performed his Hurricane Kick: > > "TATSU-MAKI-SEN-PU-KYAKU!" MMK : E-I-E-I-O! > Cage was sent flying. EMMY: On a Boeing 747. > "Enough!" As Cage put on his sunglasses, Rayden came > superman-flying out behind him. WAND: Christopher Lambert in a cape and tights... there's an image I could do without. > He caught Ryu off-guard. Rayden > followed it up by an uppercut, then he air-punched Ryu, and > SUPERMAN CHARGEd Ryu while in the air. Ryu was stunned..." TIFF: ...said the narrator as he desperately looked for the backspace key. > Rayden then disappeared, but Ryu recovered in time. TBS : Random teleportation? ARGH! Brain melt-- oh, wait, it's just a game glitch, no biggie. > Seeing Johnny Cage coming in, Ryu then performed his EMMY:...solemn duty as an American and enlisted into the... > "SHINKU HADOKEN!" EMMY: No, never mind. > Johnny Cage was hit multiple times by the beam fireball, and > slammed against the mountainside. Groggy, Cage got up to face Sub-Zero, > who had replaced Ryu. Z-BOT: Let's see who notices the difference. > Cage, running low in wind, suckered Sub-Zero in > with the oldest fake: Hips forward and head back. TBS: The Humpty Hump is the oldest fake? WAND : You thrust your pelvis! HUH! You thrust your pelvis! HUH! > He then performed his groin punch; Sub-Zero bellowed over in pain. > Cage then performed his Super Move: > > "RED SHADOW KICK!" TIFF: Followed by his lethal RED KOOL-AID TYPHOON. > Sub-Zero took about ten hits from the kick, and crashed into the > mountainside. Cage then put on his glasses while Rayden slipped in. [MMK darts to the left side of the theater and runs across with a trash-can lid on his head.] MMK : Wha-whoo-WHOA! [MMK slips across the theater and crashes into the wall.] TBS: Wowsers! Are you okay? MMK : Nok haffy! Nok haffy ak all! > Sub then sweeped Rayden, but couldn't follow it up because Rayden > teleported. Rayden then shocked Sub-Zero, TIFF : I'm your father. WAND : I am shocked... > "LIGHTNING BOLT 1!" MMK : Damn it, Setzer! TBS : I didn't do it! Honest! > Sub was sent flying more. Rayden was now charged up. > > "LIGHTNING BOLT 2!" EMMY: *This* is *turning* into Kefka! Z-BOT: No, it isn't. > He let out a tremendous lightning bolt. Sub blocked it, > fortunately. Rayden then charged in, but by now, Sub-Zero was building TIFF: ...walls around his base. > momentum. He blocked a Rayden punch, then gave Rayden a good > shot into the midsection. TBS: HEY! That's a foul! He's carrying a gun! > He followed it up, punch after punch, following it up with > a good side kick. > Finally, Sub-Zero called on Ryu, they teamed up their > attacks: Ryu screamed MMK: ... RIIIICOOOOOLAAAA! > "SHINKU HADOKEN!" > > , while Sub-Zero called on an avalanche. WAND: Cheap bastard. > Rayden was swept away by the beam and the avalanche. When Rayden found > himself on the bottom of the mountain, he knew he was out of the match. EMMY: And considering that impact, I wouldn't be surprised if he slipped off to change his underwear. > Cage then jumped in on Ryu, "You're nowhere good, man. I'm the best > martial artist in the world." [ALL snicker.] > "We'll see, " said Ryu. Cage then tried to > hit Ryu with some of his best attacks. > > "SHADOW FIREBALL! SHADOW KICK! SHADOW SHO-RYU-KEN!" WAND: SHADOW GROIN PUNCH! SHADOW BOOT TO THE HEAD! > Ryu parried all the attacks, then slammed Cage to the ground. TBS : SHADOW GET THROWN, SUCKA! TIFF : *Tell* me he didn't just say that! > Cage then got up groggily, only to be swept again by Ryu. Cage then > tried a flying Shadow Kick, but Ryu easily put that one away by using his > > "SHO-RYU-KEN!" MMK: All right. Ryu, this is Ken Masters, the Idiot American who uses all your moves, but not quite as well as you do... > Cage fell on the ground right by Ryu, with a little wind left. > > "SHINKU TATSU-MAKI-SEN-PU-KYAKU!" > > Ryu started spinning in the same place very rapidly. Z-BOT: He had unleashed the most devastating offensive manuever of his arsenal: the secret art of Shotokan Breakdancing. > Cage tried > To escape, but Ryu's rapidly spinning foot caught Cage about 17 > times in the face. TBS : Boottodaheadboottodaheadboottodaheadboottodaheadboottodahead boottodaheadboottodaheadboottodaheadboottodaheadboottodaheadboottodahead boottodaheadboottodaheadboottodaheadboottodaheadboottodaheadboottodahead! > When Ryu stopped spinning, Cage was bloodied > up in the face and totally out of it, but not totally unconscious. EMMY : You rotten filthy swine! You have deaded me! > The monk then came in, "Ryu and Sub-Zero win! They move on to > the second round!" ALL: Yaay. > Rayden finally finished climbing up, along with Johnny Cage. > "Good match," said Johnny Cage. "I guess I had my butt kicked > today." "Thanks," said Ryu. TIFF : Let me kick it again. WAND : NO! > "We'll return to our ships so Cage and I can keep an eye out for > suspicious activity," said Rayden. TBS : AAAAARGH, mateys! > "You keep fighting. I'm sure you'll do well, Ryu and Sub. EMMY: It's a Shotoclone and a pallete-swap ninja. How could they not do well? > I don't trust Shinnok." Z-BOT: That's nice. Mind giving us an idea who's talking here, story? > "Best idea," said Sub. > > "It's the best idea. WAND : I just said that. TIFF : Shut up, pallet swap. WAND : Shutting up, sir. > Plus, Shinnok gets away with nothing." Ryu, > Sub, Rayden, and Cage nod, then they go their separate ways. Ryu and > Sub-Zero go to the reception room, to await assignment, while > Rayden and Cage went back to their ships. TBS: The HMS 'Cheese' and 'Weenieboy,' respectively. > CHAPTER 5: CHUN-LI/SONYA vs. M.BISON/SHAO KAHN WAND: Doujinshi bait from *hell*. > THE COURTYARD, EASTERN SHAOLIN ISLAND MMK: New Year's Eve, 1911. > Chun Li and Sonya Blade were warming up here. EMMY: LEMON ALERT! > It was here about ten years ago that Sonya Blade fought Kano and > kicked his butt real bad. Z-BOT: So much for flowery persiflage and recollection. > Now Kano was totally dead WAND: Wait! He's not totally dead! He's just *mostly* dead! TIFF: Well, I dunno. His fashion sense is pretty dead. > after a Defenders of the Realm Battle, > and now, General Bison and Shao Kahn were here in > place of Kano. EMMY: Bison actually got into the part by putting out one of his eyes and putting on a T-1000 Halloween mask. > Chun Li then spit on Bison, "You killed my father! MMK : PTOOIE! > I'm finally going to kill you!" MMK : Offer me money! TBS : Yes! MMK : Power, too. Promise me that! TBS : All that I have and more! Please! MMK : Offer me everything I ask for! TBS : Anything you want. MMK : I want my father back, you son of a bitch. > Shao Kahn laughed, "You are pathetic, Chun Li. You weak, pathetic > fool!" TIFF : You are stooooopid! You are stooooooopid! And don't forget; you are stoooooooopid! > "HA HA HA HA! You'll be lucky if you pass us, Chun Li," said > Bison. "Anyone who opposes us will be destroyed!" WAND : Hey, Bison. I talked to Guile the other day. You remember Guile, don't you? He opposed you and BEAT YOUR MONKEY ASS TO A PULP, didn't he? EMMY : I will kill you twice. > "We'll see, Bison," said Sonya, with her military attitude. MMK: So she spit and scratched her crotch? Z-BOT: Not a bad idea. > Shinnok, the referee for this match, > then stepped in. "Chun Li's team ready!" "General M. Bison's team ready!" > > "FIGHT!" TBS: And Shinnok ran as fast as his chubby legs could carry him and dived behind one of the banyan trees. > Shinnok quickly cleared the way. Chun Li and Bison engaged, > while Sonya and Shao Kahn took a backseat. MMK: So it *is* one of those... TIFF: No it isn't. MMK: Well, backseat can be... TIFF : NO. IT. ISN'T. MMK: If you say so. > Chun Li tried a quick aerial assault, but Bison was prepared and > warped away. Bison then threw a magnetic ball. WAND : Wait, I've got the perfect attack! I'LL THROW REFRIGERATOR ORNAMENTS! EMMY : First you kill my father, then you erase all my important data! I'll get you yet! > Chun Li nullified it, > > "KIKOKEN!" Z-BOT: Go, moogles! > Chun Li then manipulated her light body in the air WAND: She has so much hang time that she can jill off before she lands! > and stomped Bison in the head. "OOF!" grunted Bison. TIFF: Lucky for her that the rules of physics and aerodynamics just turned their heads for a second. > Bison then slid into Chun Li, knocking her down. TBS: "OOF!" grunted Chun Li. [TIFF slugs TBS, who falls woozily to the ground.] MMK : Oh no! Snot is dead! EMMY : Long live Snot! MMK : He died an ugly death by my catalogue! EMMY : And now you now it gets you nowhere, and you realize... TBS : He lefts thish meshaghe for ush! > "Well, I'm sorry, Ms. Li," said Bison sarcastically. Chun Li then > got up, > > "LIGHTNING KICK!" TIFF : Damn it, Sabin! MMK : What? *What*? > Bison took some well-placed shots EMMY: I could use some well-placed shots. WAND: Yeah, shots of vodka. > to the head. > > "I finally love this revenge," said Chun Li. TBS: "OOF!" grunted M. Bison in response. > But as soon as she finished saying that, Bison signaled off with his head, MMK: ...and he was DQ'd for poor sportsmanship on the spot. WAND: ...and a pack of oversized playing cards surrounded both of them. EMMY: ...and that's when Rock broke in. Wackiness ensued. > and Shao Kahn came shoulder-charging in. Chun-Li lost most of her wind. MMK : Guess what, Sonya! WAND : What, Chun-Li? MMK : Faaaaaaart. WAND: I'm not going to keep doing this, you know. > Shao Kahn then fired one of his spears into Chun Li. Chun Li was > in serious trouble. Chun Li then signaled a kiss, Z-BOT: And Shao Kahn stood up and said "Friendship? FRIENDSHIP?" TBS: And then he said "OOF!" > then Sonya Blade came kicking in. Angry with Kahn, EMMY : NO ONE KISSES CHUN-LI BUT ME, PAL! > she went for her scissor grab, the same move that almost killed > Kano in the original Mortal Kombat tournament. TIFF: If, of course, you consider the movie canon, and nobody does... > "You pathetic wimp," said Kahn, as he sledge-hammered Sonya's leg. EMMY: And that's when he was called for having a foreign object in the ring. TBS: No, the PC term is "international." EMMY: Since when is street fighting PC? TBS: Well... I... you see... EMMY: Shut up. > Sonya screamed in pain as she let go of the hold. "You will > die, mortal!" WAND: Because people tend to say odd things when they're in excruciating pain. > Sonya then said, TBS : OOF! > "KISS OFF, KAHN!" TIFF: And Shao Kahn looked around and said "Kiss off WHO?" TBS: Then he went "OOF!" TIFF: No, he didn't. > Sonya then threw a firey kiss at the Emperor, totally engulfing > him in flames. As Kahn stop, dropped, and rolled, EMMY: Oh, good. Even in the middle of all this, there's a positive message about fire safety. WAND: Does that really *work* when it's in a 'fic I want to burn? > Sonya delivered some kicks > and devastating blows while he was down. But Kahn recovered, MMK: Thanks to Fast-Forward Rehabilitational Therapy! > "UPWARD SHOULDER CHARGE!" > > Sonya was knocked totally off her feet. Sonya did manage to > salute, Z-BOT : You kicked my butt but good, and for that, I salute you. > while Chun Li came charging in with a flying kick. WAND: It's Billy Quan Fever! Catch it! > Kahn was knocked off his feet. TBS: And then he said, "OOF!" > "GREEN FIREBALL!" Chun Li ducked, then chanted > > "TENN-SHOO-KYAKU!" > > , which was her Thousand Burst Kick. [ALL blink.] TIFF: I thought her Thousand Burst was-- WAND: Don't think. You'll give yourself a brain hemorrage. TBS: Would that kill me? EMMY: Prolly. MMK: That's arguably better than being in here. > She drove forward into Kahn, > lightning-kicking him several times. But, just before Li could > finish, Kahn hit her with a shoulder charge. EMMY: Don't ask how. The author hasn't figured that out yet. > As Kahn laughed heavily, Bison came kicking in. Chun Li then > tried to sweep Bison, but she had no power, TIFF: And her broom's bristles were thick with grime. > for Kahn knocked her wind from her. MMK : Hey Sonya, guess what? TIFF: Grr. MMK <^_^ing>: ...well, if you object *that* much. > She was suspect to attack, > > and Bison was ready to comply, TBS: So he went "OOF!" ALL but TBS: NO, HE DIDN'T! > "PSYCHO CRUSHER!" > > Bison came charging into Li with his flaming fist. WAND: Unlike his partner, he didn't stop, drop or roll. > Chun Li was no match for the famous Bison attack, and she was knocked > into the crowd totally winded, ending her match. MMK: Crowd? EMMY: Crowd? ALL: CROWD?!? MMK: Maybe it's one of those "dubbed from the Japanese" flubs, and he really means she was knocked into the *clouds*, and... EMMY: I think you're reaching. > Sonya, still hurt, put up > a miraculous attack. After throwing a few ring sets at Bison, he > backed off. Bison hit Sonya with his Head Stomp, > but Sonya was ready for the flying fist with her upwards Bicycle Kick. She > finished the combo with the Square Wave Flight, totally winding > Bison. TBS: Who went... no, it's not funny anymore. WAND: Thank you. [A pause.] TBS: Who went, "BARF!" WAND: Ho boy... > "I have a pathetic partner," said Shao Kahn, coming in not > rested. > > But Sonya was starting to have the adrenaline wear off, > and she could barely stand on the leg Shao Kahn hammered earlier. TIFF : That's okay. I'll just use the other one. > "KILLER HAMMER TIME!" TIFF: Please, Killer Hammer, don't hurt 'em! WAND : Hello, Hammer. Back again, huh? Gnoor. TBS I like big butts and I cannot lie. EMMY : Wrong rapper, Snot. > Shao Kahn unleashed his dreaded Super Move: a beam from his > sledge hammer that knocked Sonya Blade totally unconscious. Then, > Shao Kahn remembered, Z-BOT : I have to do my laundry! > "FINISH HER!" > > He then picked up his sledge hammer, and while Sonya laid there > motioness, he hammered her directly into her chest, therefore > killing her. TBS: As far as we know. TIFF: Yeah. He could be wrong. WAND: I mean... sledgehammer... think about it. MMK: No, not fatal at all. EMMY: Probably winded her, for all we know. > "General M. Bison and Shao Kahn win by > FATALITY > They move onto the second round," said Shinnok. TBS : After they clean this mess up. WAND, EMMY : Damn it! > Chun Li gasped in horror. She couldn't believe that her partner was killed > by those creeps. MMK : These new DA fatalities *blow*. I mean, *Jesus*. > She fled to the western part of the island, not knowing it, but where the > Defender of the Realm ships were. TIFF : Sonya got killed *again*? That's the third time this week! > Bison and Shao Kahn went to the reception > room to await their challenge. But the horror show was about to begin. TBS: At the Korova Milk Bar across the island. MMK: At the late night... Double Feature... Picture Show! > Taking Sonya's dead body, Shinnok said: "Shang Tsung, your memory will > never fade. I will once again free you for evil will. Sonya Blade, YOUR > SOUL IS MINE!" EMMY : And while I'm at it, I'll take a few toes and your left ear, too. > Shinnok then exposed a green ball on his staff, > then drew Sonya's soul from her dead body. TBS: All your soul are belong to Shi-- WAND: Oh, shut up. [A beat.] MMK: Shinnok's balls ate my soul. [A beat.] WAND: Now *that's* old-school. TBS : ...the hell? ======== COMMERCIAL: From the Dream City Council. What do you dream about?(tm) ======== [After the commercial, the swirling Multiversal Television Network logo comes up, and the title "MOT: Behind the Torture." Snack Lightly is now standing in front of a small coffee shop on Harvey Avenue. A variety of current and former Squaresoft employees are seen inside drinking coffee.] SNACK: To fully understand the creation of the Torture Theater, one must look back to the origins. Here behind me is Hagbard's, a coffee shop formerly known as the Bleeding Basilisk, where you can get coffee, biscotti, and, if you ask for it really nicely, liquid death. It is owned by a name synonymous with the history of Torture Theater. The Angel of Destruction, fondly known as Sunny, Odie, or if you know him well, Blackened Bastard. Like it or not, he was the driving force behind the torture. [The interior of the coffee house. A.o.D is at the counter talking with the unseen interviewer.] A.o.D: Ah...you ask questions of the past, do you not? It is reluctant to oblige, but if it is for posterity's sake, It will oblige your feeble protestations. INTERVIEWER: So how did it begin? A.o.D: It came up with the idea first, of course. That fleshbag you call Hunter only supplied cosmetic changes. We had a coin toss, It lost. It killed his dog, he got to show that SI horseshit. Simple as that. It of course had the PJ at Its disposal. INTERVIEWER: So...this idea...how did it come across? A.o.D: A fitting question, and quite ironic. You see, there was a theater opening up at Biohazard and Mason Streets. Professor Higgins owned it at first, It believes. There was to be a big premiere with top names from all across Dream City. It and Hunter managed to get tickets through the systematic torture of a Midway star who would remain nameless. Chthulu rest his soul, the pallet swapped bugger. INTERVIEWER: What was premiered? [A.o.D sips his cup of blackish liquid pensively.] A.o.D: A little thing called _Mortal Kombat: Annihilation_. [interview, Cyrax and Sektor] INTERVIEWER: You two were involved with the movie. What were your first impressions come opening night? SEKTOR: Damn low. CYRAX: It wasn't really something we could be proud about. The post-production was awful. SEKTOR: It sucked. It really shouldn't have been made. We should have waited for Christopher Lambert to come back. CYRAX: I think we were milking this for all it was worth. Shame, really. SEKTOR: I don't think anyone who went in that night was expecting _Apocalypse Now_. No really high expectations. CYRAX: We didn't think it was going to be that bad. SEKTOR: I did. We reached a new low. CYRAX: Oh, you're just sore because you didn't get Kitana in the end. SEKTOR: Yeah, I guess...that bitch... [Interview, Chun Li] CHUN LI: I think it was bound to be trouble at the premiere. Ken, Sagat, and most of the boys went to the premiere for the sole purpose of making fun of the MK guys. I guess it was to let off steam. I mean, I got played by Ming-Na in our movie. Not especially flattering. I mean, have you seen her legs? INTERVIEWER: Not personally. CHUN LI: Well, never mind. Anyway, they were sorely intent on crashing the premiere and heckling it, like the Midway people did at our premiere. I guess there was some sort of bad blood. INTERVIEWER: So it was a revenge thing? CHUN LI: Yes. [Snack Lightly is now in front of the old theater again.] SNACK: It was here, in mid-1997, that _Mortal Kombat: Annihilation_ premiered at the Torture Theater, then called the Hudson Soft Multiplex. It was a midnight showing, and many celebrities from the Multiverse were there. Reports are unsure on what exactly happened during the showing. Some suggested the free beer handed out by two mysterious figures, one wearing a fedora. Others blamed the continual mockery passed back and forth by the Midway and Capcom federations. Whatever the reason, it was a rather surreal setting of pain and anguish on that first night. [interview, Mua] MUA: Mua had lotsa trouble getting a ticket because Mua had a hard time producing ID that Mua over thirteen. Mua have no pockets, so Mua sneaked in by hiding under Raiden's hat. There were lots and lots of celebrities there and they were throwing popcorn, singing showtunes, and dancing. Mua thought it was cool, so Mua go to snack counter, but NOOOOOOO cheesecake. Mua very sad... INTERVIEWER: Did you sense anything was amiss from a typical premiere? MUA: Yes. Mua did not notice Kevin Smith there. He's Mua's hero! So Mua very saaaaaaaad. Then these nice little furry people sat next to me. They shared their popcorn. Mua liked that. Especially that fox lady who scratched me behind the ears. Would you like to scratch Mua behind the ears? INTERVIEWER: Well, I... MUA: Scratch Mua behind the ears or Mua bite your face off! INTERVIEWER: Okay, okay... [interview, Rhei Rat and Prince Leon] RHEI: It was kinda festive before the previews started. Everything was sorta a joke and we were looking forward to the movie. LEON: God knows why, really. I only came because of Musetta Vander. She's a hotty. RHEI: Thanks, Leon. LEON: Just wanted to make that clear. RHEI: Our group were kinda late since Kendo lost the tickets, but we got there near the time they started the previews. We were near the back. I think Roxy sat next to this pink thing, really friendly... What you think it looked like, Leon? LEON: Kinda like a Honeycomb monster dipped in Manic Panic. RHEI: Yeah, that one. Well, the previews finished, and we were about thirty minutes through the movie when there was this commotion up front. I'm pretty sure it was that Indian... LEON: You mean Native American. RHEI: No, man. It was Dhalsim. LEON: You sure it wasn't Nighthawk? RHEI: That's who Dhalsim got into the argument with. I think it was a disagreement about Junior Mints. Anyway next thing we know, the right side of the front row seems to catch on fire. LEON: Course, no one was hurt. Well, I coulda swore that Benimaru's hair got on fire. Looked like a Roman candle... [Interview, Cyrax and Sektor] CYRAX: Yeah, that's when a few people from the SNK coalition jumped Dhalsim. Then before you know it, this red-haired guy in the middle starts swinging his sword around and hit Rayden with lightning. SEKTOR: It was kinda funny. CYRAX: Rayden didn't think it was funny. SEKTOR: And that's when things went to hell. [back to Snack] SNACK: Stories are mixed, but what happened in the theater is indisputable. A riot broke out. Ushers tried to restore order, but they had to fall back after one of the black mages in the audience cast Meteo and they had to run for cover. This magic battle gave way to a swordfight, then a fistfight, and then...something weird happened. [Interview, Chun Li] CHUN LI: It's sort of a blur at the moment, but I think it was around the time Rolento got hit in the crotch with a baseball bat, Mai Shiranui started acting... how should I say it...weird. [Interview, A.o.D] A.o.D: Now, some of those specks spread stories that Hunter and It spread some sort of aphrodesiac in the air conditioner system. That is of course pure fiction. It was purest coincidence that that scantily clad Shiranui girl started to get aroused by the violence. And it was purest coincidence that we were there with a primitive digital camera when the festivities turned into a mass orgy. We had nothing to do with it. Especially when the arousal spread and Cammy started taking off her clothes as well. INTERVIEWER: Cammy took off her... A.o.D: Well, It is not certain, as all of those silicone-implanted women on the fighting circuit look alike naked. (SVEN pokes his head on-screen) SVEN: He's right, you know. A.o.D: You get back to fixing the espresso machine, you narcoleptic excuse for a competent worker! [Interview, Mua] MUA: Mua was watching movie and then all the ladies started flashing their jiggly things. Mua was trying to watch John Medlen's wonderful performance as Ermac when the nice fox lady next to Mua whispered something into Mua's here about cheesecake! Mua was so happy! But then she take off her pants and... INTERVIEWER: O...okay. I think you're going too much... MUA: Mua still gets letters from the nice foxy lady who take Mua's innocence. INTERVIEW: Thank you...I... MUA: You repulsed by Mua? Mua saaaaaaaaad... [Return to Snack] SNACK: So from bloodbath to heavy petting, the scandal that followed bankrupted Doctor Higgins and his theater, not to mention ruined the clean reputations of several "chaste" individuals. The theater got sold to a Mr. Hunter a few days later and renamed "Torture Theater." The rest is history... and now back to the MiST. ======== > CHAPTER 6: LIU KANG/KITANA vs. GUILE/BLANKA EMMY: Will the court please rise? > THE WATERFRONT, SOUTHERN SHAOLIN ISLAND Z-BOT: As opposed to the one in Brutal: Paws of Fury? > "Liu Kang, you seem troubled," said Kitana. > "I just > feel like a fool being so young," said Liu Kang. "I > haven't aged while my friends are now around forty." TIFF : I'm ten thousand years old. Don't bitch at me. > "Youth doesn't mean you'll always win," said Kitana. "We must keep our > guards up." "Right," said Liu Kang. MMK : Now let's take these geeze-... er... I mean... let's begin! > Guile and Blanka then arrived. "We have to face Bruce Lee and his > girlfriend," said Guile. EMMY: No! Not Lauren Holly! WAND: I see. The author is trying to be 'clever' again. I *hate* it when he does that. > "Better be on our toes." "Yes," said Blanka. "Better be careful." MMK : Then I will step on your toes. TBS : BARF! > The monk then motioned to the teams to come forward. WAND : Okay, I want a good, clean fight...BWAHAHAHAHA. Just kidding... > "Guile's team ready! Liu Kang's team ready!" TBS : No, wait! I need to shift my leotard... > "FIGHT!" TBS : Crap. > Guile started out basic, > > "SONIC BOOM!" TBS: Cool. The package bomb I sent Sonic went off without a hitch. TIFF: What? TBS: Nothing. > Liu Kang skillfully dodged, then threw two quick Z-BOT: Dodgeballs. > punches, then followed by a flip kick. Guile flew back like he > didn't know what hit him. EMMY : Would you like to know what just hit you? TIFF : No, thanks. It'd ruin the drama. > Guile got up quickly, and avoided a > > "DRAGON FIREBALL!" WAND: Could the narrator be any more excited about this story? MMK: He needs to be sprayed with a FIRE HOSE! WAND: ...Don't DO that. > Guile then went back to his wrestling background, MMK: So he started shaking the top ropes, screamed, clotheslined Liu three times, and performed a press-slam. Z-BOT: You forgot the steel chair. MMK: Nope, 'cause he's going to get a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire and suplex Kang onto C-4 explosives. > suplexing Liu Kang. Kang recovered quickly, > > "FLYING SIDE KICK!" > > Guile caught one on the kisser. Guile then got up. Kang then > threw another fireball. Guile avoided it, EMMY: Guile's teachers always told him to avoid the big, nasty fireballs in the playground. > "SONIC BOOM!" TBS: Now why did the backup bomb go off? TIFF: What? TBS: Nothing. > Liu Kang was sent flying. TBS : WHEEEEEEEEE! > He then bowed, while Kitana flying-punched in. Guile quickly > tagged out to Blanka. Blanka gave Kitana some fits, Z-BOT: Do not stare directly into Blanka. He causes epileptic seizures. > combining some of his famous jumping combos with a TIFF: Order of fries and a large Coke. > "ROLLING ATTACK" > > and a > > "SOMERSAULT KICK!" EMMY: And a-- MMK: GOD MAKE IT STOP! EMMY: And a-- WAND: MY EYES! I'M BLIND! EMMY: And a-- TIFF: Urge to kill... rising. Urge to maim... coming along nicely... > Kitana was thrown for a loop. > > Kitana then got up, but was hit again by a EMMY: Wait for it. > "SONIC BOOM!" > > Kitana was down, but lost little of her wind. TBS: You know, you could just say she farted and get it over with. WAND : But then he'd lose poetic license, or something. > She got up, and when Blanka came in again, she performed the > > "FAN LIFT!" > > Blanka was disabled. TBS: Now that's just plain mean. EMMY: But at least he gets to park closer to the mall. > She then jumped up, threw two punches in the air, then performed her > > "FAN THROW," WAND: Enh. It looks better when Jean does it. > then followed it up with her > > "SQUARE WAVE PUNCH!" TIFF: The punch favored by electrical engineers across the globe! > Blanka was sent back a few yards. After Blanka howled, TBS : Who's bad?! > Guile came kicking in. Kitana was surprised, then tried a > > FAN THROW. MMK: I got it! TIFF: Got what? MMK: I know why the author does it. He's an Orz! TIFF: Huh? MMK : You are not *happy camper*! You *make* the *sick joke*! It is *dancing!* EMMY : I will *pop* you into *many bubbles* with the *GO! GO!* > Guile, a little upset, went for the > > "SONIC BLADE!" EMMY: *Fear* the move he doesn't *technically have*! > The first one deflected Kitana's fan, then Kitana was slammed by > the other sonic blasts. She fell into the water, but recovered. WAND: No big deal. She was wearing a swimsuit anyway. TBS: Whoo-hoo! Wet t-shirt contest! TIFF: I. Think. Not. > She put her fans Z-BOT : Kitana! I love you! WAND : Kitana! Marry me! EMMY : Kitana! What is the meaning of life? TIFF : Kitana! Mileena is hotter than you! > around her, and Kang came out. Liu Kang then > grabbed Guile's arm, and performed an arm twister. TBS: Hey! Indian burns are illegal! MMK: But OH! Guile counters with a Purple Nurple! > He didn't get the break, but he hurt the arm. Guile fought the pain, > > "SONIC BOOM!" > > Kang avoided it easily, and hit Guile with a WAND: Please be a frying pan. Please be a frying pan. Please be a frying pan. > "DRAGON FIREBALL!" WAND: GodDAMNit. > He then followed it up with two punches, a flip kick, then his WAND: Please be a frying pan. Please be a frying pan. Please be a frying pan. > "BICYCLE KICK!" WAND: GodDAMNit! [ALL look oddly at WAND.] > Guile was hit almost twenty times by the Bicycle Kick. Z-BOT: Good bicycle kick. TIFF: That's got to be at least a five-speed bicycle kick. > Guile was stunned momentarily, but then fixed his hair. WAND: Fixed his fucking hair?! In the middle of a fucking fight?! What kind of stupid, illogical--owwwww. EMMY: You're gonna give yourself an aneurysm doing that. WAND: I'd welcome the sweet embrace of death, thank you. >Blanka came diving in. MMK: Little known fact: Blanka represented Brazil at the 1996 Olympics in diving. He got disqualified. TBS: What happened? MMK: Well, you know what happens when you fire the Thunderbolt underwater? > Kang then tried his WAND: Please be a frying pan. Please be a frying pan. Please be a frying pan. > "FLYING SIDE KICK" WAND: SON OF A BITCH! EMMY: ...Wanderer? WAND : What? EMMY: What is it with you and the frying pans? WAND: If I see one more fighting move "shouted out" in the narration, I am going to go batshit. TIFF : "Go?" > on Blanka, but Blanka then generated his > > "ELECTRICAL FIELD!" WAND: When the fuck does Blanka ever say that in *any* of the games? *Damn* my head hurts. EMMY: Try taking a nap. > Kang was fried, then Blanka picked up Liu Kang, and threw him > many yards away. MMK: Beware, for I shall throw you *many inches*! > Groggy, Kang got up slowly. WAND : Jeez, that was some kegger... what happened? TBS : Hi, darling. WAND : Jeezus *Christ!* > Blanka measured his opponent, then performed his EMMY: STYLISH SUIT FITTING ATTACK! > "GROUND BLAST ROLL!" [WAND unconsciously twists the armrests of his chair into pretzels.] > Liu Kang was blasted by the attack, and was almost winded. But > Liu Kang remembered, "Remember the element that brings Life!" TBS: So he pulled out a bottle of Zima and drank it. WAND: Zima's for pussies. > Liu Kang then summoned all his spirit, and started to hit Blanka with > everything he had. TIFF : Here's a trick I learned from Mousse! > Blanka tried to block, but Liu Kang had too much energy. EMMY: Yes, drinking a case of Jolt before every match is my secret to success too. > Using his last reserve, Kang performed his > > "WHIRLING 360 UPPERCUT!" TBS: Blanka pointed and laughed at the fool, trying to copy moves from SF2. > Blanka was totally knocked unconscious by the move. Exhausted by > far, Kang bowed out to Kitana. MMK : I'm just gonna... lay down f'r a bit. [passes out] > Guile jumped in. The fresh team members had a fight-out. Guile failed > with his > > "KNEE BAZOOKA," Z-BOT: Hey, that's off the old Captain Commando side scroller! TBS: Yeah! The baby guy did it! The baby was sooo cool. > while he blocked a Kitana leg throw. WAND: Dammit! You CAN'T BLOCK A TH-- [*WHANG*] WAND: ...mother. [falls over] [EMMY puts down a chair.] EMMY: The things we do for our friends... > Guile then performed his > > "FLASH KICK", TBS : Hey, girlie. Wanna... heh heh... see somethin'? > and knocked Kitana a few hundred yards back. MMK : And it's good for the field goal! > Kitana got up, but she made a bad move. TIFF : Your moves are lame! Get off the stage! > Guile performed his > > "TANK KNEE BARRAGE," Z-BOT: Isn't that bad for the ACL? > and Kitana took about fifteen knees to the face, followed by an > elbow to the back to her neck. WAND: I'm getting a *very* entertaining mental image here. MMK: It's like a Rockette on crack. > She tried to get up, but Guile > knocked her down into the sea. She was out of the match after she > swam back because she was totally winded. EMMY: It's all about wind, people. Without wind, you're nothing. TBS: Just remember to stay away from the Evil Air. > Liu Kang, tired, hurt, stepped in to face Guile. Realizing Guile's > power right now, Kang backed away. > > "SONIC BOOM!" > > Kang nullified the attack, > > "DRAGON FIREBALL!" WAND: The author nullified the audience, MMK: INTENSE BOREDOM! > Liu Kang was tiring quickly. He knew he needed a great attack > quickly, he didn't have much time for it. Guile came charging in. > Kang let out all his energy into his Bicycle Kick. Now, it wasn't > just ordinary, EMMY: It was a Schwinn! > it was the > > "SUPER SHAOLIN BICYCLE KICK!" ALL: Oooooooooooh... [Z-BOT makes sounds like a turkey on speed.] > Guile tried to block, but it was too powerful. Liu Kang stepped > about forty times across Guile's face. Guile was totally stunned > from the blow, he couldn't continue. EMMY: And *that's* why rolls and parries were created. > "Liu Kang and Princess Kitana Win!" the monk announced. "They > move on to the second round." TBS : Blanka and Guile lose! They must do the laundry for the week! > Guile and Blanka had finally stood up, as so did Liu Kang and > Princess Kitana. TBS: And they fell down again. They stood up a second time. And they fell down again. The third time, they set themselves on fire, hurt their knees and *then* fell down. But the *fourth* time... they stayed up. > "Excellent Match," said Guile. "You showed me true heart. You're a > fine young warrior, Liu Kang." > > "Thank you," said Liu Kang. "You fight with honor." EMMY : Actually, I don't in the least. WAND : Um... okay. > "I'm sticking around," said Guile. "I don't trust Shinnok for a > minute." MMK : Well, how about for a second? No? > "Hold on," said Kitana. "I hear something." > > Suddenly, two mysterious people ran into the woods. One seemed to > be about 18, the other much younger. TBS: Alessi strikes again! > "Who are they?" asked Blanka. > > "I don't know," said Guile. "But, I'm going to find out." > > Guile and Blanka then went into the woods north of the waterfront > to chase the boys. EMMY: Chickenhawks! You never know *where* they'll turn up! > Liu Kang and Kitana then went to the Reception Room to await their > next challenge. MMK: The Bellhop! > CHAPTER 7: KEN/SEAN vs. SCORPION/SAKURA > > WIND CHAMBER, WESTERN SHAOLIN ISLAND EMMY: But they aren't aerodynamic! > Ken and Sean walked into the Wind Chamber, confident as ever. EMMY: Okay! We get the point! Wind, wind and more wind! > Meanwhile, Scorpion and Sakura were still reconciling each other. TBS: ...if you know what I mean. [nudges MMK] > The monk in the chamber allowed for no pre-fight time. He started > as soon as the teams showed up. Z-BOT: Bitch. > "Ken's team ready!" "Scorpion's team ready!" MMK : Nonono! Wait! I must finish this Slurpee! EMMY : You have no intestines or stomach. MMK : ...you are no fun, purple cowled man. > "FIGHT!" WAND: And that's when they creamed the ref. > Sean started along with Scorpion, while Ken and Sakura stepped > back. Sean, as confident as ever, tried to tackle Scorpion. TIFF: Only then did Scorpion notice the football in his arms. > A battle-tested veteran, EMMY: He's *dead*. Doesn't that mean he flunked the test? > Scorpion performed his Teleport Punch to the back of Sean's head. > Sean staggered back, while Scorpion advanced. WAND: Well, that was a quick chap-- > Sean then performed his WAND: ...shit. > TORNADO KICK, MMK: So King whooped up on his punk bitch move-stealing ass. > and sent Scorpion flying into a blowing 70 MPH wind that blew > Scorpion into a wall. EMMY : Auntie Em! > "Ouch, that hurt." [ALL snicker.] TIFF : I hate these, Sean. TBS : BARF! > Scorpion then recovered, then threw a side > kick at Sean. He blocked it, then knocked Scorpion for a loop > with his uppercut. > > "Still slow, ninja master?" asked Sean. WAND : I do not have any muscles! Please do not mock me! > "I've beaten you a million times in Mortal Kombat games. MMK : Excuse me, but are you deliberately trying to break the fourth wall or was it due to your stunted upbringing from your courtesan mother? EMMY : What? TBS : Dude, he called your mom a whore. EMMY : YAAAAAAAAA! > "GET OVER HERE!" > Scorpion threw his spear into Sean's chest. Sean was speared, > shutting him up. WAND: Why can't *I* tell people to shut up like that? > Scorpion then gave Sean the Axe Combo treatment. Z-BOT : Okay, this will sting a little, but it should get rid of that silly "video game" concept of yours. > Sean was cut up a bit. TBS: As a spear through the chest is wont to do. > Sean then backed off, allowing Ken to jump in. Ken then blocked a > back-fist, spinning-back fist combo Scorpion threw, then countered > with a > > "FLAMING SHO-RYU-KEN!" MMK : Sssssssho-ryu-ken, you sssssilly. > Scorpion took a staggering blow from 3 powerful hits. Scorpion > then ripped the mask off, and tried to blow fire at Ken. EMMY: But Ken took one look at him and went "Ew." > Ken then jumped, then hit Scorpion with > an air punch, flying kick, sweep combo. > > "Scorpion's such a hothead," said Ken. WAND: There he goes trying to be 'clever' again... > But as Scorpion reached up > as possibly call specters from the Underworld, Sakura jumped in. TIFF : You fool! You didn't call 1-800-COLLECT! > She hit Ken with a Z-BOT: Purse. > HA-DO-KEN, > > knocking Ken for a loop. MMK : Here we goo loop-di-loo. Here we go loop-di-lai. Here we go loop-di-loo. All on a Saturday night. > Sakura then followed it up with a well- > placed air punch, flying kick, sweep combo, the same combo Ryu > and Ken perfected. Ken backed off in a hurry. TBS : If I mess with Ryu's babe, I'm toast! > "Don't be so overconfident, Ken," said Sakura. > "You haven't won yet." "HA-DO-KEN!" > > Ken slapped Sakura with a quick fireball. EMMY : Bitch. >Sakura took insult to it and hit Ken with a > > "SHO-O-KEN", > > knocking Ken for a loop. TBS: What the hell is it with the loops?!? [MMK takes a lotus position.] MMK: The answer, Snotling, is within the wind. And the loops. Look deep into your soul, and you shall find enlightenment. [TBS concentrates.] TBS: The author's a wanker? MMK: You do me proud, my student. > Ken took a quick exit, begging Sakura to follow, > and Sean jumped in, knocking Sakura for a pretty good > loop. [WAND holds up a scorecard that reads, "7.5."] [Z-BOT holds up a scorecard that reads, "7.4"] [EMMY holds up a scorecard that reads, "8.2."] [TIFF holds up a scorecard that reads, "0."] [MMK holds up a scorecard that reads, "KIM."] [TBS holds up a scorecard that reads, "SPOON."] > Sakura was shaking stars > off so bad, that she didn't even know Sean's next attack: > > "SHO-RYU-CANNON!" WAND: Ignorance is no excuse, Sakura. > Sakura was sent for a pretty good loop and was thrown into a 100 > MPH wind that slammed her into a wall. Sakura couldn't get up too > quickly. TBS: She was feeling pretty loopy. TIFF: Snot... TBS: And then she said, "BARF!" TIFF: SNOT! > Sean followed in > very cautiously. She pointed and giggled, and Scorpion teleport- > punched Sean from behind. Sean recovered quickly, and tackled > Scorpion. WAND : Cut that out! I do not swing that way! MMK : Oh, come on baby, you know you want it. Who's your daddy? WHO'S YOUR DADDY? > Scorpion countered with > an ankle-thigh pick, and the two backed off. Sean then carefully > worked his way in, he performed his low kick, then followed it > with another Tackle. EMMY : C'mon over here, you cuddly teddy bear, you... > But Scorpion wasn't fooled. > > "MULTIPLE SPEAR! GET GET GET GET GET GET GET OVER HERE!" WAND: ... EMMY: Don't do it! You'll only hurt yourself! MMK: He sings his own techno music. TIFF : G to the E to the T over here, boyiiiiiiiiiiie! > Sean was speared about twenty times, then Scorpion's foot got > real big. TBS: AGH! Scorpion is a Battletoad! Z-BOT: Cool. > Sean was unable to move. > > "GET OUT OF HERE," > > and Scorpion kicked Sean with a real big boot to the chin. MMK: GET IT? > Sean was sent twenty feet high, then carried by an 80 MPH wind into a > wall head first. TBS: So are the winds just kinda lying around here, or what? > Sean was out of it. EMMY: "Out of it?" He should be "a smear on the wall!" WAND: MK4 physics. TBS: I hate these MK4 physics, Wandy. > Ken then jumped in. Scorpion tried his > Axe Combo, but Ken side-stepped it and kicked Scorpion pretty hard. MMK: In the nuts. > Now frustrated, Scorpion then tried the Teleport > Punch, but Ken blocked it. Scorpion bounced off about five feet > into the air. Ken, smart as ever, knew what to do. WAND : I'll invent the wheel! > "SHIN-RYU-KEN!" > > Scorpion was totally incinerated as Ken lifted him into the air, MMK : Oh, *yeah*, because *fire* hurts me. > and he fell head-first into the ground. The wind saved his life > by blowing out the fire, but Scorpion was clearly out. TIFF: Yes, but was he melted to a crisp? > Sakura then attacked Ken. She used her nasty spinning flip kick, EMMY: *What* nasty spinning flip kick? TBS: I think she just flubbed the Sakura Otoshi. WAND : I learned this from my old pal Kristen the Dream Warrior! > followed by her > > HA-DO-KEN. > > Ken staggered, then tried to uppercut Sakura. She blocked, then > arm-dragged Ken down. MMK : Mah God! Arm bar! Arm bar! > She would've finished Ken, but Ken rolled away. > > "YA-TSU-KI!" Ken taunted Sakura. Sakura then charged Ken, > > "MIDARE-ZAKURA!" > > Sakura tried in vain, but Ken was too experienced. He blocked > every blow, and when Sakura was exhausted from the move, Ken, the > veteran he is, then said WAND : I gettin' too old for this shit. > "I-TSU-NEI," EMMY : Either you're blathering mindlessly, Duckman, or-- > then executed his > > "SHO-RYU-REPPA" > > to perfection. Crashing his flaming uppercut into Sakura's solar- > plexus, Z-BOT: Which couldn't *possibly* be good for Sakura's unborn baby. WAND : The part of Ken will be played by Bear-Suit. > he didn't stop driving until he finished his thir > uppercut, sending Sakura flying. > > Sakura was > totally winded from the attack and was unable to continue. TIFF: NO WIND FOR YOU! > "Ken and Sean win," said the monk as Sean got back to his feet. WAND : The victory goes to team Scrubb Nuts. EMMY , TBS : Hey! > "They move on to the second round!" > > Sakura and Scorpion got up slowly. Sakura looked at Ken. Ken > said, "Sorry, Sakura, but I had to do what I had to do." Z-BOT : Ah reckon that a shoto's gotta do what a shoto's gotta do. Let's ride, Dan-boy! > "It's OK," said Sakura. "Scorp and I made some serious battle > mistakes, and we paid for it. I'm sure there's something fishy > about this tournament, and Scorpion and I are going to investigate it." MMK : We ARE? TBS : SHHHHHHH! MMK : But I had my heart set on Stuckey's! TBS : SHHHHHHH! MMK : Come on! It is STUCKEY'S! > "You're good, Ken," said Scorpion. "Sean will be, too, if he > concentrates. Good Luck!" > > Sean replied, "You too, Scorpion and Sakura." Ken and Sean then > went to the reception room to await assignments. Sakura and > Scorpion then traveled into the forest south of the chamber to > expose the secrets. WAND: That sounds like a euphemism, y'know. TBS: Do we really want to start thinking about hot, undead/school girl luvluv? EMMY : You do it yourself, just you, and that's why it hurts so much... > INTERMISSION: THE LIVING FOREST WAND: Just as it was being eaten by The Nothing. > Chun Li was walking in the middle of the forest after she had saw > the ugly killing of Sonya at the hands of M. Bison and Shao Kahn. Z-BOT : Oh, I must take this basket of goodies to Grandma's house! > She had ran quite a ways in the forest. > > "Well, if it isn't the pretty little girl from the GWN news," > said a voice. TIFF : No it isn't. I'm the beautiful mature woman from Interpol. MMK : Oops. Sorry to bother you. > "Who are you?" asked Chun Li. > > "I'm your worst nightmare. WAND: No! Not Bob Saget in a leotard! > Ryu and Ken are mine." TBS : They're ALL MINE! YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM! MMK : I just want to borrow them, man! Come on! TBS : Ohh no, I'm not lending you anybody ever again! Remember when I lent you Fei Long? MMK : You can't blame me for that! I wouldn't have lost him if Mom hadn't taken him away from me! TBS : Your mom's a bitch, Chun-Li! MMK : Don't call my mom a bitch, Akuma! TBS : Weelllll, Chun's mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world... > Suddenly, Akuma jumped out of the bushes. > He was obviously getting old now, but > he was still a formidable fighter. TIFF : Mr. Akumiyagi! Please teach me karate! > "Akuma, I should have known," said Chun Li. "I'll take you any > day." EMMY: Even when the limited edition gilt plate version fetches twice the price on the collector's market? > "Oh yeah?" asked another voice, this one kind of raspy, and some > metal clanging was heard in the background. TBS: For they had discovered Chun Li's secret fear... Robert Harris! > "Wolverine, I recognize your voice anywhere," said Chun Li. "Why > are you here?" EMMY: For that matter, why are any of us here? WAND: Free booze. EMMY: ... > "Helping the Dark One so we can fight at the end," said Wolverine. EMMY : This Akuma schmuck here's the only one who can get me an invite into the Dark One's swinging bachelor pad. > "I can't believe you," said Chun Li. "I always thought you fought > for honor." TIFF: Honor doesn't pay as well as badassery without a cause. > "Akuma's plan is not world domination, Chun Li," said Wolverine, > "he just strives to be the best. Unfortunately for you Street > Fighters, Z-BOT : I'm an SNK fan. KUSANAGI ALL THE WAY! > you are turned away by his tactics, but my only goal is > to be the best hand-to-hand fighter." MMK: Yeah, but doesn't he have claws? WAND: Ladies and gentlemen: Ayn Rand and Milton Freidman, poured through a blender and filtered by a Street Fighter fan on mescaline. > "Care for a little early action, SHOOZU!" boasted Akuma. TIFF : Sorry, but I don't do it on the first date. ...and who the hell is "Shoozu?" > "I have no partner," said Chun Li. "She was killed in the > tournament." MMK: And a touching comment on predjudices against lesbian couples! TBS: Score! > "Dang it, Akuma. It's not fair," said Wolverine. TBS: Dang?! When the fuck did Wolvie start saying dang?! TIFF: Cool it, fanboy. TBS: [points to the screen and babbles] B-but...I mean...he... Wolvie...DANG! > "We'll just have to wait." > > "You're, right, Wolverine," said Akuma. WAND : But I voted Democrat! [MMK rimshots.] EMMY : Come on. Let's go find our missing badassery. >"Chun Li, you gained yourself a break this time, but don't think > you'll get away with it forever. I know Shinnok's up to no good. [MMK pulls a pot from his left sleeve and a kettle from his right sleeve. He shakes the pot over the kettle.] MMK : You're black! [MMK then bonks himself on the head with both the pot and the kettle, nods sagely and puts the pot and kettle back in his sleeves.] > Well, I'll see you. SHOOZU!" TIFF: If stories are not carefully groomed, then it's exposition gets all clumped up together like that. TBS: Like hairballs. TIFF: *Exactly* like hairballs. > "I'll see you in hell someday," said Chun Li, "you demon!" WAND: Yes, Chun, that *is* where one *usually* finds demons... MMK: Unless they're Renegade, in which case they're either in Limbo or doing their damnedest to avoid making disturbance in the Symphony. > Wolverine faded into the background after Akuma just disappeared. > > Guile and Blanka were also walking through the forest. TIFF : So let me get this straight. If a tree falls here, and no one is around, it doesn't make a sound? TBS : Dunno. Just watch where you step. The bears... y'know... here. > They were > looking for supsicious activity when they heard some rustling in > the bushes. EMMY : LOOK! Suspicious activity! RATATATATATATATA... Z-BOT : Dude! It's just a bush! > "What is it, Guile?" asked Blanka. WAND : Blanka, this is what we humans call "hot sweaty animal sex." Please tell me you don't know about it. > "I don't know," replied Guile. "But it's awful close." > > Guile and Blanka continued on in the Forest. The rustling got > louder as the two got closer. ALL : DO THE RUSTLE! [ALL mimic shaking bushes to the tempo of "Do The Hustle."] > "What the?" Guile saw something go into the bush. > > "I'll go get it out," said Blanka. "It's got to be some animal." > > "I'll get it," said Guile as he grabbed into the bushes. TBS: Then they clanged their heads together and spent the next five seconds watching the little flying Shadaloo skulls. > "I GOT IT!" Guile suddenly pulled out what seemed to be a > lizard-like creature by his neck. Screaming in pain, the lizard > suddenly sucked up all his acid WAND : Hi. I'm Timothy Leary and... I'm not dead. > and spit it right between Guile's eyes. MMK : And they had the acid-ey spit, right? I *WANT THAT!* I *loved* the acid-ey spit! And ladies, you'd *all* use the acid-ey spit. Some guy comes up to you in the bar going, "Do you want a drink? Just one? Huh? Just one?" [MMK mimes spitting something.] > "YEEEEOOOOWWW!" Guile screamed in pain, grabbing his eyes MMK : And even with half his face burning off, he'd still be going "Just one drink!" > while falling to the floor. The lizard hissed, > > "I am the reptilian Reptile, former servant of the TIFF: --Department of Redundancy Department? > once foolish Shang Tsung. TBS : But once he took the Mega Memory course, he could just *memorize* words of wisdom! > On a full moon, perform your fatality on the Pit, and I'll reveal the > biggest secret of all." Z-BOT: I think performing fatalities on road works is illegal in most states. WAND : My big secret... I am not wearing any underpants! > Blanka raged in anger, "I'll get you you little green creep. EMMY: Pot. Kettle. Black? [MMK pulls out the pot and the kettle, bangs EMMY's head with them, nods sagely and tucks them away.] TBS: More green, in this case. [^_^s] > SOMERSAULT KICK!" > > Reptile jumped away, "I have no time for you little pathetic > fighters by myself. I'm out of here! MMK : I'm outta... heeee...eeeee...eeere. > FORCE BALL BOMB!" > > The force ball created a big explosion that created lots of smoke. TBS: The descriptions are so vivid...ugh... > Reptile slipped away back into the woods unnoticed. > > Chun Li just arrived on the scene as soon as the smoke cleared. TIFF : This is Chun Li, reporting live at... er... I mean... you're all under arrest! > "Blanka, what happened to Guile?" asked Chun Li stunned. WAND : Well, Mom always said that watching hot sweaty animal sex made you blind. > "A green creature spit acid in his face," said Blanka. "He's > burning up like a cauldron." Z-BOT: A *Black* Cauldron! And he's trying to find a little lost pig! > "Obviously, Guile got spit in the face by Reptile, the leader of > the Raptors," said a familiar voice. MMK: Anyone noticed how Ryoga has the talent to build suspense by interjecting a hitherto unnoticed character into conversations without mentioning their names until the next paragraph? ALL: Yes. MMK: Isn't it the hallmark of a great writer? ALL: No. MMK: Oh. Right. Carry on, then. > "SCORPION! SAKURA!" Chun Li screamed. "OVER HERE!" WAND : Hey, that is *my* line! > Scorpion and Sakura raced over to Guile. > > "I'll heal him," said Sakura. TBS: Sakura Kasugano, Medicine Woman! MMK : Our people will not allow us to marry, Sakura. TIFF : Like hell! You go maim 'em all, and I'll patch them up, and we'll be sweet! > "You tell them what you know." > > "OK," said Scorpion. WAND : Scorpion predicts that "Bride of the Atom" will be a big success! TIFF : Note to self: Scorpion knows nothing. >"About 10,000 years ago, there was a battle between the combined > Outworld Raptor forces and the Outworlders vs Shao Kahn's armies. > The Raptors and the Outworlders fought valiantly, but they lost > to the greedy Shao Kahn. TBS : Shao Kahn took the last doughnut, and he never picked up the check when they went out to dinner. > The Raptors were enslaved and eventually killed, while everyone > but Kitana was killed for the Outworlders." MMK: And now it's all about globalisation! Ryoga *is* the philosopher for the ages! [A pause.] WAND : So what is it you're trying to tell us, exactly? TIFF : Doughnuts are *evil*! WAND : ...rrriiiigght. > "So, how did Reptile survive?" asked Chun Li. Z-BOT : He was wearing +2 armour at the time. > "There are three Raptors that survived the attack. The two > others, Chamelion and Khameleon, are trying to rebuild their > race. MMK : But it is pretty difficult considering that they are both male. WAND: Just like those pandas, eh? > But the other became a spy for Shao Kahn by acting as Shang > Tsung's bodyguard." TBS: That was Steven Scougall. > "That was Reptile," said Blanka. TBS: I was close. WAND: Like Hell you were. > "Right," nodded Scorpion. "Reptile risked all, including his > reputation around Raptors, TIFF: All three of them. > just to find out what happened. After > Liu Kang kicked the crap out of him in the first Mortal Kombat > tournament, Reptile was believed dead; MMK: Or at the very least cured of his constipation. TBS : I've got your Milk of Magnesia right here! BOOT TO DA HEAD! > however, he barely > survived. He used the status to start developing his own powers > and become a formidable fighter." Z-BOT: He makes a good salad too. > Guile had fully recovered now. EMMY: Sure, from now on he's the Marine in the Iron Mask, but *still!* > "Then, why did he spit on me?" TIFF: It is his secret weapon! NYAR! > "I think it was defense," said Scorpion. "but I'll continue." WAND : Unless you have something to *contribute*, girlie man! > "I agree, I was a little overhyper," said Guile. "Go on, Scorp." MMK : Crack always had that effect on you, Guile. TIFF: Guile, uncle of Sana Kurata. > "Shao Kahn rediscovered him while fighting the Earth warriors > during Mortal Kombat Two. He then enlisted him to fight Kitana in > Mortal Kombat Three, Z-BOT : Hey, sorry about wiping out your race. Do me a favor and kill that chick with the razor fans. EMMY : Okay, boss! > but the allegiance between the Raptors and the Outworlders was still alive. WAND: So they eloped. All: EWWWWWWWW! > Encouraged by Khameleon, Reptile then led an uprising against Shao Kahn. > Even though he didn't win, he escaped with his life and whomever was left." > > "Wow," said Sakura. "So why is he here?" TBS : How in the name of Boon and Tobias should *I* know?! I am a storyteller, not a mindreader! > "He is supposedly looking for one to teach his race. Much has > been lost due to Shao Kahn's mass slaying of the Raptors," said > Scorpion. MMK : They need new people to restrengthen their old guano collecting industry. > "I feel bad for him," said Guile. WAND : No, wait, that's my face twitching. > Chun Li butted in, "If you thought what Shao Kahn did was bad, > wait until we see what Shinnok has for us." TIFF : He left anchovies on the pizza! > "Right," said Scorpion. "If we can get the Kombat jets back in > order, we can be totally prepared. Z-BOT: But if the evil plan involves drilling underground, they'll be screwed. > "Then, what are we waiting for?" asked Guile. "There's nothing here." MMK: And existential nihilism! WAND: As the token English major, I say, quit it. MMK: I can't take you anywhere. > "Let's go," said Sakura, "before they notice us." > > "Agreed," said everybody. > > Scorpion led Chun Li, Blanka, Guile, and Sakura to the mountain > where the jets were parked and where Rayden and Johnny Cage were. TBS: Where Rayden and Cage were reading the parking meters and writing tickets, that is. > RECEPTION ROOM, SHAOLIN ISLAND > > The winning teams gathered in the reception room for tea and > coffee. MMK : Tea, sir? WAND : What? No crumpets? Barbarians! > The day shift of fighting was over. "Man, those fighters > were tough," said Sean. TIFF : The cook didn't tenderize them well enough. > "But everyone makes mistakes," said Ken. "It doesn't matter how > good you are, you make a mistake, you're finished!" Z-BOT: Unless you're a fanfic author. In that case, carry on! > Ryu then came over, "then why aren't you defeated yet, friend?" TBS : I don't fight. MMK : That's right! We're crazy kooky con-men with hearts of gold! Gimme a tennis ball gun! > Ken then said, "I might be flashy, but I don't make mistakes." TIFF : What about when you showed up at a fight dressed in a tutu? EMMY : Now that was-- TIFF : And what about when you preformed a Shoryureppa but shouted, "SCRAMBLED EGGS AND WHEAT TOAST!?" EMMY : I thought we agre-- TIFF : And there was the bonus round incident where you destroyed a minivan. EMMY : Hey! That was a perfectly honest mistake! TIFF : ...a minivan with a *family of five* in it? EMMY : It could have happened to anybody! > "May I remind you?" asked Ryu. "The Street Fighter Alpha > tournament, where I kicked the crap out of you when you missed > the SHO-RYU-REPPA?" MMK : Yes, which time out of a thousand do you mean? [EMMY smiles.] WAND: What're you so happy about? EMMY: Ken getting the crap kicked out of him, of course. [WAND smiles.] TIFF: Do I want to know? > "Oh that," said Ken. "I hate that loss." MMK : I hate these losses, Ryu. > "Nobody's perfect," said Liu Kang. "But I see Ken has heart to > come back and still fight, even though he lost that day." ALL: Loser. > "Who asked you?" said Sean quite remarkably at Liu Kang. > > "Easy, Sean," said Ken. "It's not fight time now. Anyway, he > might be a great fighter, and the last thing you need him is > mad." EMMY: Yes. We all know what a great idea getting overwhelmingly mad in the middle of a fight is. > "Hotheads always lose," said Sub-Zero. "It's a fact. That's why I > stay COOL!" ALL: COOL AS ICE! [ALL collapse, helplessly giggling.] > "Easy for you to say, Ice Man," said Sean. "You control ice like > it was your own hand." EMMY : Sir, if that was a masturbation reference, then I shall have to kill you. TBS: In fact, it was. This is why he lived in a house where he could make the walls alternate between red and blue. MMK: Nope, that's Mr. Freeze. TBS: I *wondered* where the Batmobile had got to. > "Why can't you men live in peace?" asked Kitana. MMK : Don't you know this world is run by... ALL: Love... and PEACE! Love... and PEACE! > "I guess tournaments always do this." > > Liu Kang backed away, "They may have mouths, Kitana, Z-BOT: But they'll never have a decent dental plan. > but those two are very good fighters," pointing at Ken and Sean. TIFF : If only they had *legs* to go with those mouths, you mean. MMK : They have good heart. TIFF : Shut up. > Sean and Ken nodded at the compliment. > > Kitana looked at Ryu, then Liu Kang. "Be careful of that man," > said Kitana to Liu Kang referring to Ryu. "He seems to be very > powerful and very controlled. TBS: In other words, "He fights good." > He seems to have the coolness of Sub-Zero combined with the > dangerous fighting style of Ken and Sean." EMMY: So he's a palette-swapped shotoclone. WAND: It's not his fault. It's the style of the time. > "I'm ready," said Liu Kang. "I must face my enemy, then myself, > then my worst fear." TBS : And when I'm done with that, I must face my worst pair of socks and my worst meatloaf. > Shinnok then walked out of the curtain and said, "Welcome, > competitors. MMK : I don't have any evil plans. > You were lucky enough to make it through the first round. But, > there are many more to go. MMK : *I* don't have any evil plans. > After we find out who is the elite team, Akuma and Wolvie wait, > then the top elites will challenge the winner of that match. > STREET FIGHTER: WORLD OF MORTAL KOMBAT KONTINUES!" MMK : I can't spell, I have no taste in clothes, and you will all be killed and I will take your souls and eat them with a knife and fork. But *I* don't have any evil plans. > There was murmering around the room, speculation of what would > happen. "OK," continued Shinnok, "Ryu and Sub-Zero, where are you?" TBS: I bet they're off making sandwiches again. MMK: Strange, that. No matter what haunted house they find, there's always ingredients for foot-long subs. > Ryu and Sub-Zero stood up. "Liu Kang and Kitana, where are you?" Liu > Kang and Kitana stood up, "you're fighting the night shift at the > Star Bridge." WAND : So I'm stuck here till closing? But he said he'd be here at twelve! I have a hockey game at two! > Ryu, Sub-Zero, Liu Kang, and Kitana nodded. They then took off > and prepared themselves for the battle to come. "Ken and Sean, > where are you?" Z-BOT : We're *right in front of you*, you dork. EMMY : EEK! Don't *do* that! > asked Shinnok. Ken and Sean stood up. "General M. Bison and the > Emperor Shao Kahn, where are you?" WAND : They're making out in the back again! TBS : Okay...I'll take that as a forfeit. > Bison and Kahn stood up, "you're fighting tonight at the Pit > of Spikes." MMK : Don't FALL OFF THE PLATFORM and FALL ON THE SPIKES, accidentally KILLING YOURSELF and LETTING YOUR SOUL FLOAT TO MY GRASP, followed by my EATING YOUR SOUL WITH A NICE CHARDONNAY. That would be BAD. *I* don't have any evil plans. > Ken, Sean, Bison, and Kahn nodded. They then took off for the next > match. > > After Shinnok and his army flanked out, James and Chris were talking. TIFF : James? Chris? Where are you? TBS : HEMMPH! EMMY : Shh! We're supposed to be hiding! [yells] We're not here! We're miles and miles away! TIFF : Oh. In that case, I--huh? > "This is the second round, James. Don't you think it's time we get > involved?" > > "No, Chris. Our time will come." Z-BOT: Psychic fern-like bastards... > "James, Shinnok is up to no good, and we don't need to see anyone > else killed." TBS : My therapy bills are already gonna suck. > "We'll know when it's time, then we'll fight fiercely. Whomever is > in our way will get pounded, especially if that person's Akuma or > Shinnok," said James. TBS: Yup, only the powerful guys with any talent whatsoever. > "Are you sure?" asked Chris. "I don't like it, we may miss our > chance." TIFF : Not really. I bribed the ref. > "We won't," said James. "I guarantee it." James and Chris then > left the reception room, preparing for any surprise attacks that > they might encounter while on the island. [WAND rolls a six-sided die.] WAND: Okay, the party is ambushed by... [rolls] ...a lemonge, with... [rolls] ...a flamethrower/grenade launcher. MMK: This has got to be Timmy Jackson's work. > CHAPTER 9: RYU/SUB-ZERO vs. LIU KANG/KITANA TBS: It's slash fiction as you like it here on Shaolin Island! > THE STAR BRIDGE: NORTHERN SHAOLIN ISLAND > > Liu Kang and Princess Kitana, knowing the island better than Ryu > and Sub-Zero, reached the Kombat Zone first. "Kitana, I'm nervous," > said Liu Kang. MMK : Shush, Kang. After this is done, you can hunt the buffalo with the other men. TIFF : Hold me. > "I don't know if I lose, I'll lose my unlimited non-aging." TBS : And then I'll miss Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's 2099. > "I don't think so, this is a tag-tournament," said Kitana. "Even > if you lose, if you're not killed, you can still be Mortal Kombat > champion." EMMY: And if you lose, well, you've still got the book and movie rights. MMK : And if you die, I'll slurp up your soul with a straw, but I *don't* have any evil plans. > "But what if Ryu or someone else enters the Mortal Kombat?" TIFF: Then you get beaten to a pulp like a sissy. Next question! > "Mortal Kombat invites the best fighters from the world. You must > prove yourself every time. If someone is better, then they should > be the one that defends our realm." Z-BOT: I don't want to place my trust in a shoto, thank you. EMMY : Place your trust in this handy "Baby Seal" bank. Useful for when you need to be a bastard, or an international spy! > "True," said Liu Kang. "But do they have the heart?" MMK: Ask Kano. He'd know. [WAND sighs.] > "You don't know until they fight," said Kitana. TBS: Or until you tie them to an autopsy table, cut open their chest, break the ribs and remove the lungs to check. WAND: You. Out of Poppy Z. Brite's head. Right now. TBS: But the red velvet chairs rule! > Ryu and Sub-Zero arrived on the Bridge. The monk had a scroll in > his hand, and yelled, "Ryu's team ready?" "Liu Kang's team ready?" ALL: NOT YET! GIVE US FIVE MINUTES! > Shinnok's voice then echoed, > > "FIGHT!" TBS : Steal my lines, would you? That's it! I quit! TIFF : You can't quit! You're fired! TBS : I'm gonna call the union on you! > Liu Kang and Ryu started the fight, while Kitana and Sub-Zero > backed off the bridge. WAND: First, they went to Sardi's, then back to Zero's place for a night of ecstasy... > Liu Kang easily deflected off three of Ryu's punches, then kicked him > in the ribs. Ryu doubled over. MMK: Leaving Ryu open for a quick Stone Cold Stunner! ONE! TWO! THREE! > Liu Kang then tried to come in, but caught a > > "HA-DO-KEN!" TBS: He used it to catch the Water card next episode. > Liu Kang was sent flying back. Recovering from the blow, Kang > then tried a > > "FLYING SIDE KICK"! EMMY: Wait a minute... Robin doesn't fly! *Robin doesn't fly!* > Ryu side-stepped it, then hook-kicked Liu in the face. Liu Kang > wiped off the blood after getting hit, then swept Ryu. TIFF: Liu Kang IS Mr. Clean! > Ryu jumped up, > > TATSU-MAKI-SEN-PU-KYAKU, Z-BOT: And Ranma Saotome has a run-in! > but Liu Kang had already bowed, meaning Kitana was coming in hard TBS: Okay, author. CUT THAT OUT! > with her flying punch. Ryu took one right on the kisser. > Ryu recovered slowly, but got up. Kitant tried a fan combo, MMK: Thus giving her cheap heel heat. > but Ryu blocked it easily and countered with a wheel kick. TIFF : Big wheel keeps on turnin', big fire keeps on burnin'. > Kitana staggered back, and performed her > > "FAN THROW!" TBS: How does Kitana get all those fans? WAND: Check out the spandex. TBS: Silly me. > "HA-DO-KEN!" Ryu's fireball knocked Kitana's fan off-course. MMK: On that fateful night, the unsuspecting fan hit a fireball and sank to the watery depths. EMMY: And the name of that fan was... Kitanic. > Kitana then expected a jump, so she performed a > > "SQUARE WAVE PUNCH!" TIFF: But she didn't use her protractor, so her Geometry teacher gave her a B-. > Ryu read and timed it perfectly, Z-BOT : *click* Booya! Book of Genesis, read in only two minutes seven seconds! > when Kitana was right above him, he performed his > > "SHO-RYU-KEN!" MMK : My love is like a flaming punch SHO-RYU-KEN! My love is like a twirling uppercut SHO-RYU-KEN! > Kitana was sent reeling back. Kitana covered herself with her > fans, and Liu Kang came flying kicking out, TBS : And you can fly, too, if you think happy thoughts! > but Ryu had turned his > head, so Sub-Zero came kicking out. TIFF: It occurs to me that these people have some goofy tag motions. WAND: How so? TIFF: Take Ryu's. If someone was to shout "Hey Ryu! Look behind you!" And he turned his head, Subby would be obliged to come in, even if he only had one pixel of health-- WAND: Wind, Tiff-- TIFF: Wind, then, left. He'd get kicked, and Ryu'd get kicked shortly afterward as he berated Subby for jumping in like a dumbass. MMK: Hey. Sounds like the Dudley Boyz. > The two hit each other in mid-air. > Sub-Zero and Liu Kang then performed their corresponding projectiles. > > "ICE 1!" TBS : But they didn't have Ice 1 so he bought Vanilla Ice! > "DRAGON FIREBALL!" MMK: ANGRY CROW TAKES FLIGHT! GAVOK : THANK YOU FOR SHARING, ANGRY CROW! > The two projectiles nullified each other. WAND: In any other place but the World of Mortal Kombat, maybe. EMMY: Memo to me: if I ever write a fanfic, I must be sure I'm familiar with the source. > Liu Kang then tried to Punch Sub, [EMMY looks closer at the screen.] Z-BOT: What are you doing? EMMY: Trying to figure out if Ryoga just gave Liu Kang a new attack or not. > but the ice man MMK : I am the ice man! Goo goo ga joob! > slipped behind Liu Kang and punched him hard > in the short ribs. Liu Kang doubled over. Sub-Zero > then performed his > > "BASEBALL SLIDE" WAND: And he's safe! The crowd goes wild! The Lin Kuei win the pennant! *The Lin Kuei win the pennant!* ALL: Yeah! > and swept Liu Kang off his feet. TIFF: Most people use flowers and chocolates, but Sub Zero here? No... > Kang recovered, then threw a > > "LOW DRAGON FIREBALL." > > Sub was slow getting up, and got rocked by one. ALL : Rock the Catskills, to the beat y'all, rock the Catskills, to the beat y'all... > Liu Kang then followed it up with his > > "BICYCLE KICK." > > Sub took twenty more hits to the face. Liu Kang then performed a > back fist, reverse punch, followed by a flip kick. MMK : And for my next trick, I'll pull a rabbit out of my hat! > Sub was reeling, but he still had a little surprise in his sleeve. EMMY : Five aces? You dirty rotten cheater! >As Liu Kang was coming in with another > > FLYING SIDE KICK, > > Sub-Zero then chanted > > "ICE 2!" TBS: MEET CHU! > Liu Kang flew into a large icestorm, with icestones crashing into > him at about 70 MPH. Z-BOT: The California Highway Patrol promptly caught and ticketed them. > Liu Kang was sent reeling back by the storm. He > then barely bowed, as Kitana came in flying. Sub then continued the > onslaught. MMK : The dream is dead! TBS : Dreams don't die! MMK : The dream is dead! TBS : Dreams don't die! MMK : The dream is dead! TBS : Dreams don't die! MMK : The dream is dead! TBS : Dreams don't die! [WAND looks at EMMY.] MMK : The dream is dead! TBS : Dreams don't die! [EMMY looks back at WAND.] MMK : The dream is dead! [WAND and EMMY nod imperceptibly.] TBS : Dreams don't die! [WAND grabs MMK and drives him head-first into the floor. EMMY grabs TBS and throws him to the other end of the theater.] WAND, EMMY: Never again. [TBS and MMK groan.] > He foot-swept Kitana, followed by a slap to the face, MMK : You slapped me. TBS : Yeah. Bitch. > an elbow, a front-thrust-round kick, then a spinning wheel kick. > Kitana felt the full force of the combo, and was knocked back. WAND: Into a wall. MMK: And onto a pile of computers. TIFF: She was hit in the groin. EMMY: She had lost her wind. TBS: And she said, "BARF!" > Sub then punched his fist into the air and Ryu came into the > air. But it was a mistake, Z-BOT: ...as Ryu flew into Sub Zero's fist, crotch first... > as Ryu fixed his headband, Kitana performed the > > "FAN WINDSTORM!" TBS: This made a butterfly in Malaysia flap its wings. WAND: ...I think you have that backwards. > A ripping gale cut into Ryu so hard that it cut his skin badly. TIFF: But Mommy kissed it better, so that was all right. > Ryu had to turn his head and stop the bleeding quickly, EMMY: Luckily he had sutures handy. > so Sub-Zero came in,although tired, to continue the fight. Sub then > lured Kitana into a trap. Z-BOT: He put a carrot on a spot marked "X" over which an anvil hung. > Kitana tried to run in on Sub-Zero to get a quick advantage, but > Sub laid a clone in front of him. TBS: What, right there? In the middle of a fight? Sub really needs to rein in his libido... > Kitana ran into it and caught a Severe frostbite. Sub then > capitalized on it by kicking Kitana into the teeth. WAND : Your dentist is *mine* now! BWA HA HA! > Kitana then covered herself in her fans, and Liu Kang then came > out flying at Sub-Zero. Liu Kang showed tremendous poise. MMK : He had style, he had grace... > He threw > > "DRAGON FIREBALL" > > after > > "DRAGON FIREBALL" > > at Sub-Zero. EMMY: THAT'S poise?!? TIFF: So, basically, Liu Kang is being played by a total novice. *Great*. > Sub started to weaken. > > "FLYING SIDE KICK! > > BICYCLE KICK!" MMK: MOTORCYCLE KICK! TBS: TRICYCLE KICK! MMK: GROIN KICK! TBS: BARF! > Sub staggered some more. Liu Kang felt all of his energy gaining. > > "MORTAL DRAGON FIREBALL!" > > Sub-Zero was whacked with the super fireball, and off the bridge. TIFF: That's the last time we let Sub-Zero sing tenor. > Sub-Zero was recorded out of the match. Ryu then jumped in. He > quickly went to work, uppercutting Liu, followed by a 1-2 punch, > medium-power kick, then a > > "TATSU-MAKI-SEN-PU-KYAKU". TBS: Translation: "Your mother's a whore, Liu Kang!" > Liu staggered to get up, and Ryu knocked him down with a > > "HA-DO-KEN!" > > Liu got up again, only to be floored with a > > "SHO-RYU-KEN". EMMY: Thus Liu Kang thought Ryu was a WAND: SCRUB NUTS. > Liu then tried a > > "FLYING SIDE KICK," > > but Ryu was ready, TIFF : Thanks for announcing that one, lunchbucket! > "SHINKU... HADOKEN!" TBS: It's like a bad round of Magic: The Marketing. > A blue fireball beam fired from Ryu's hands, and Liu Kang caught > it about 26 times to his solar-plexus. EMMY: Someone's playing with the camera cuts again, dammit. WAND: They should check the reel more thoroughly. TIFF: How big is Liu Kang's solar plexus, exactly? > Almost totally winded, he bowed very badly, TBS: Oooh, that's going to cost him with the judges! > and Kitana jumped in. Kitana put the offensive > pressure on Ryu, hitting with her famous Fan Combo, WAND: Mmm. The Fan Combo is pretty tasty. EMMY: It doesn't really hurt until she dumps the chili in your lap. In the meantime... hey, free french fries! > then with a > > "FAN THROW!" MMK: DeNiro. Snipes. Kitana. _The Fan Throw_. > Ryu staggered back from the fan, but ignored the slight cut. EMMY : Listen, you stupid git! I cut your arms off! TBS : 'Tis but a scratch. EMMY : You're a loony! > He jumped in, and Kitana, just as Ryu suspected, performed her > > "FAN LIFT!" WAND: She clubbed Ryu out of the air with Jenn Dolari. > But Ryu was prepared and performed an air block. Kitana was > totally stunned by the move. TIFF : Air blocking? You *are* a scrub-nuts! > Ryu then followed it up with a WAND: ...zany comedy starring himself, a former skateboarder, and Shannen Doherty? > "SHIN-SHO-RYU-KEN!" WAND: It was worth a try. [MMK jumps up and holds his fingers together.] MMK: BANG! > Kitana took three very hard blows to the chin. TBS: I thought it was her shins. Z-BOT: It's an uppercut, Snot. TBS: But he just *said...* > She was knocked into the drink below, and was recorded out of the match. ALL : If you like pina coladas... and getting caught in the rain... > With only a little wind, Liu Kang jumped in. He gave it all he had. TBS: Y'know... I just thought of something. In this world, Whirlwind would be the mightiest fighter *ever*. WAND: I wonder what the Gale Kick would do to someone here. > He blocked a > > "HA-DO-KEN", > > then slipped in close. Ryu tried his > > "SHO-RYU-KEN," EMMY: But all he got was an uppercut. WAND: That forward-down-down/forward motion can be a real bitch sometimes. > but Liu was able to slip away. After Ryu landed, Liu threw Ryu > down on the ground, and stomped his face. TIFF: And that's when the ref got bumped. > Ryu got up very slowly, but Liu Kang was also extremely winded. > Ryu wiped the blood. WAND: Aah! Ryu's a Doppelganger! > He knew the only way to defeat Liu Kang was > to totally wind him, EMMY : To heck with punching, kicking, and blasting him. I need to *wind* him. > he wouldn't stop to fight unless he felt major pain. MMK : Hey, Kang? TBS : Yes, Ryu? MMK : Ten bucks says you won't dare feel Major Pain's ass. TBS : Heh. Easiest ten I ever made. > Ryu got his opportunity. As Liu expected a jump, he threw an > > "AIR DRAGON FIREBALL!" TBS: Another move that he MMK: DOESN'T HAVE! WAND: He does have that one, actually. TBS: ...oh. > Ryu summoned the last of his chi power, and performed the Z-BOT: Macarena. The blow to the head messed him up pretty bad. > "SHINKU TATSU-MAKI-SEN-PU-KYAKU!" TBS: Translation: "Your mom's a *big* whore, Liu Kang!" > Liu Kang was sucked into it, and Ryu made it even more intense > than usual. After about 20 hits to the head and solar-plexus, EMMY: He died of hemhorraging. The end. TIFF: So what's on Raw? > Liu Kang still somehow managed to stand. EMMY: He's doing the Warrior no-sell from hell routine. > Ryu recovered from his move, and was about to faint seeing the pain > Liu Kang took. But, Liu Kang was in too much pain and eventually fell. MMK: SUSPENSE! > "Ryu and Sub-Zero win! They move onto the Third Round," said the monk. WAND : Well, that's all my lines for this chapter. Back to the clubhouse. > Liu Kang stood up, "You are a great fighter, Ryu. You deserve to > move on." TBS : After you're done stepping all over my turf, glory-hog. > "You have great heart, Liu Kang," acknowledged Ryu. "Now I know > why you won Mortal Kombat. TIFF: It's because the competition sucks. > Keep up the spirit, it's definitely a plus." MMK : It makes up for your crappy "Mortal Dragon Fireball!" Hah! Dragon fireball! I kill me! > Sub-Zero and Kitana finally made it up to the bridge after being > knocked into the muck. "I guess you have to get some sleep," TBS: If you know what I mean. Bock-a-chick-a-waaaaaah... > said Kitana. "We have to get back on lookout now." EMMY : Look out for what? Everyone knows what Shinnok's up to except *us*. MMK : I *don't* have any evil plans. > Liu Kang nodded in agreement. "Beware of Shinnok. I know he's up > to world conquest. He'll take any chance he gets to launch an > invasion." WAND: So where the fuck is Quan Chi while all this is happening? He's the true villain of MK4. EMMY: His date with Mileena went better than he planned. > Ryu said, "I'll take my greatest challenge to Shinnok, and if the > world's at stake, I'll fight even harder, for I know a greater > challenge than Shinnok lives on this planet." TIFF : Ryu, dear? Mr. T called. He's ready when you are. Z-BOT : Ryu, good buddy? I've got Evander Holyfield on the line. He's got your challenge right there! EMMY : Ryu, Mike Rotundo is here. WAND : Screw this challenge shit! I'm off! > "OK, let's go," said Sub. "We have to prepare for the next match. > After parting ways, Ryu and Sub-Zero went back to the reception > room. Liu Kang and Kitana went back to the Dragon jets to join > Rayden and Johnny Cage to get them ready for an invasion. TBS: You know what'd be a shocking surprise ending? TIFF: What? TBS: If Shinnok's big evil plan is that he's got pavlova out the back for everyone. MMK : I may bake the tastiest egg-based dessert known to mankind, but I *don't* have any *evil* plans! > CHAPTER 10: KEN/SEAN vs. M.BISON/SHAO KAHN > > THE PIT: THE EXACT CENTER OF SHAOLIN ISLAND EMMY: And former set of "Pit Fighter." MMK : I hereby declare myself "Magnetic South!" But *I* don't have any evil plans! > Ken and Sean reached a bridge in the middle of a stone statue > museum. "Man, that bridge looks awfully narrow," said Sean. > "It looks very familiar," said Ken. EMMY : I think we used this in our last fraternity initiation. > Suddenly, there was a familiar sound. "HMM HMM HMM HMM HMM HMM HMM!" WAND: I can name that in six notes. TIFF: Wanderer, name that tune! WAND: "Bittersweet Symphony." TBS: Correct! We would also have accepted "belly button lint." > Ken recognized that laugh anywhere. It was Bison's laugh, and > Shao Kahn wasn't far behind him. ALL : The Ambiguously Gay Duo... Z-BOT : Remember, kids, the buddy system should always be used in any hazardous situation, such as crossing the street, fighting to the death, or showering. > "Oh great," said Sean. "We have to fight on this tiny little bridge....." > > The monk appeared with a puff of smoke..... WAND : Like, hey, dudes. Are y'all here for some fighting, or like, what? Dude! > "Ken's team ready!" "General M. Bison's team ready!" > > "FIGHT!" TBS: You're boring, monk! And your momma said so! > Ken worked the bridge slowly, EMMY : Hey, how is everyone tonight? It's great to be back here on Shaolin Island. Heeeey, anyone here from the... Outworld? WAND : Work it, baby! Yes! Give me the smile! Ooh, the cold shoulder! Yes, oh, come on, give it to the camera! > while Sean stayed back on solid ground. Bison charged in, while > the evil emperor Shao Kahn stayed back. Ken hit Bison hard with > an uppercut, followed by a 1-2 punch, medium-power-kick, > followed by a MMK: Steel chair to the head. > "HA-DO-KEN" > > in the air. Bison just landed on the bridge, keeping him from falling > into the pit. Bison got up, and slip-kicked Ken. Z-BOT: Pocket Fighter fanfic is just *weird*. > As Ken recovered, he happened to look down. > IT WAS A LOOOOOONG WAY DOWN, WAND: Gah! *Warn* me before you play the Goo Goo Dolls! > AND THERE WERE SPIKES ON THE BOTTOM! TBS: And he shouted "WHO BOOKED THIS CRAP?!?" > Ken cringed in fear, and Bison took advantage of it, EMMY: ...slipping his arm gently around Ken's shoulders. > "PSYCHO FORCE FIELD!" TIFF: ...screamed the love child of M. Bison and Magneto. > Ken was hit hard, and Bison followed it with a thrust kick to Ken's > midsection. Ken was reeling, but the Street Fighter veteran knew he > was very close to Sean. EMMY: Eww... WAND: I didn't need to know that. TBS: Aren't senseis supposed to be, like, father figures? [EMMY and WAND slap TBS silly.] > He baited Bison to coming after him with his old come here finger > movement. TBS : Come here, you big, bad... [TIFF growls, and revs the chainsaw.] TBS : ...BADBADBADEVILSCARYMAN! MMK : Just Defended! [TBS flashes blue.] > Bison was unaware of the switch, and Sean caught him smack in the > kisser. [WAND smiles.] EMMY: What are you so happy about? WAND: Bison on smack. EMMY: That's not what he... never mind. > Bison got up slowly, wiping blood from his mouth and nose. Sean > followed the attack up beautifully. TBS : Hey! Ow! Stop punching m-- ...saaaaaay. That is one *sexay* set of knuckles you've got! > He threw a low kick, light jab, medium-power kick, a spinning back fist, > then a hard reverse punch. Z-BOT: He finished the combo with... sheer boredom... > Bison had no choice but to signal the executioner, > and Shao Kahn came barging in. MMK : Geez! Why are you hitting on my partner? TBS : We're not hitting on him, we're just hitting him. MMK : Oh. That's okay, then. > Sean was hit hard, but the shoulder charge wasn't direct. Z-BOT: The tournament forbade direct-damage effects! > "YOU WEAK, PATHETIC FOOL!" > > Shao Kahn boasted his taunt. WAND: Come down to Honest Dan's Taunt City! Z-BOT: No one beats our prices! TBS: We got old taunts, new taunts, the best taunts in town! TIFF: And if no one buys a taunt in the next hour, I'm gonna CLUB THIS BABY SEAL!!! [TIFF reveals TBS in a baby seal costume.] TBS: ...mommy. > "TORNADO KICK!" > > Sean then revved up his spinning kick, [MMK mimics winding a string around his leg. He tugs on the string and makes "WHHHHRRRR" noises.] > and slapped Kahn a few times in the face with it. EMMY: That's an ineffective kick if it just slaps him... TIFF : You bitch! > Then, Sean performed what seemed to be his first > perfected high-level Shotokan move: WAND: The Shinkuu Gloves Wearing move? > "SHO-RYU-KEN!" > > Kahn wasn't expecting it, knowing Sean's imperfection, and took > three hard hits, knocking him down hard. Kahn almost fell off > the bridge into the Pit, but he wisely grabbed on. ALL: Damn. > Sean advanced, but he had made a mistake. TIFF: He should have chosen to be a Paladin, but now he's stuck as a Black Mage. > "UPWARD SHOULDER CHARGE!" > > Kahn nailed Sean with the charge right in the solar-plexus. > Sean was almost totally winded. MMK : Hey, Ken. WAND: No. MMK : Damn. > Kahn then followed it right up with a spear to Sean's solar-plexus. EMMY : Foul! Foreign object! TIFF : WHAT? EMMY : I'm *bored*, okay? MMK : Ow! My solar plexus! > Sean was desperately gasping for air after getting hit hard. Z-BOT: Hit hard? He was speared! He should be *dead*! WAND: Don't we all wish? > "JUST ANOTHER ONE TRYING TO BEAT ME!" > > boasted Kahn. Sean had just caught his wind in time. Just about > as Shao Kahn was about to stop pointing his finger, Ken came in > to join Sean. > > "SHO-RYU-REPPA!" > > "SHO-RYU-CANNON!" EMMY: SHO-RYU-BOOT-TO-THE-HEAD! MMK, TBS : There's NO business like SHO business like NO business I know! > Shao Kahn was totally knocked back > by the double Super Move after getting hit about 30 times. > Ken followed it up with a 3-hit > > "FLAMING SHO-RYU-KEN!" TIFF: I wonder if that tastes better than a Flaming Homer. > Out of luck, Shao Kahn then laughed, EMMY : Oh, for fun! My jaw aches... with laughter! > and Bison came kicking in. Ken was ready this time, and > > "HA-DO-KEN" > > slapped Bison in the face. WAND : You bitch! You slapped me! MMK : Your father smelled of elderberries, and your mother was a hamster! I fart in your general direction! Mwahaha! > Bison then tried to head-stomp Ken, but Ken blocked it. As Bison > was coming down with his psycho fist, Ken then threw another > > "FLAMING SHO-RYU-KEN!" > > Bison was hit hard again, this time his clothes caught on fire. EMMY : My Pumas! My Osh-Kosh B'Gosh overalls! My Mickey Mouse ears! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! > But, getting cocky, Ken came right in for the kill. Bison then sucked > up his wind, TBS: Okay. That's just *wrong*. > and performed his > > "PSYCHO CRUSHER!" WAND: I guess that explains the blue fire. > Ken was hit about seven times by Bison's signature move, and > now Ken's clothes were on fire. MMK : He's on fire! REALLY! > Ken rolled around the floor to douse the flames, but Bison then > kicked him down. Ken was holding on to the bridge for dear life. Z-BOT: Meryl Streep *is* Ken Masters in _Postcards From The Edge 2_! > "Say your prayers, Ken," said Bison. TIFF : But I'm Buddhist! EMMY : Oooh... > "I have you now...." "YAT-SU-KI!" said Ken > > Sean recognized it as a tagging action, [MMK rubs his tummy, pats his head, wipes his nose twice with a thumb, and hops around like he's riding on a pony.] WAND : Ken, we need to talk about your code signals. > and he slammed Bison as hard as he could with his flying kick. > Bison was sent flying to the other side of the bridge. TIFF: DBZ physics claim another victim. > Ken jumped back on the bridge and back onto > solid ground. Bison then signaled off with his head again, and Kahn > came in; unfortunately for Kahn, Sean blocked the shoulder charge. > Sean was prepared, MMK : ...for Mortal Kombat! [ALL except MMK groan.] MMK <^_^'ing>: What? > "SUPER INTENSE TORNADO KICK!" > > Producing similar effects to the SHINKU TATSU-MAKI-SEN-PU-KYAKU, TBS: ...but with less fat! > Kahn was hit about 17 times by Sean's extending foot, just that > Sean pushing forward pushed Kahn onto solid ground. EMMY: How very exciting... > After Kahn pointed his finger and said, > "PATHETIC!" Bison came in. After hitting Sean with a good kick, > > Bison then tried to warp, TBS : Warp 5, engage! MMK : I cannae push it any further, cap'n. The deelithium crystals are gonnae blow! > but Sean was ready. > > "SEAN TACKLE!" > > He took Bison down, but it wasn't enough. Sean grabbed Bison's leg > and then picked him up by it. He then slammed Bison's knee into > the concrete bridge; MMK, TBS: HARDCORE! HARDCORE! > unfortunately, just before Bison hit, he hit Sean square in the > face with his psycho fist. MMK : Behold the power of YOUR OWN LEFT FIST! [MMK punches himself.] > Bison was out of the match, Sean was reeling. Kahn came right in on > Sean expecting the young Shotokan warrior to charge him, but Sean > backed off, and Ken hit Shao Kahn with a foot right in the kisser. TBS: HEY! He's not the legal man! CHEATER! TIFF : Shao Kahn, you tyrannical *hunk*, you! > Kahn then tried the same move that led to Sonya's death, > > "KILLER HAMMER TIME!" Z-BOT: Can't touch this! [ALL dance, really, really badly.] > Unlike Sonya, Ken was prepared for the move. Just before > Kahn threw the hammer, Ken forward rolled right under Shao Kahn. TBS: But Kahn sat on him and he died a flat, broken man. > "SHIN-RYU-KEN!" > > Ken hit Shao Kahn about 17 times WAND: Say, that's a cabalistic number, isn't it? EMMY: When I was a kid, there was a Street Fighter 2 machine. They told me not to look into it. But I did anyway. > with a flaming fist while rising straight up. Kahn was already > out of it, but just to make sure, Ken hit Kahn an extra time at > the end, finishing the combo. Kahn didn't land on the bridge, TIFF: He landed on Go and received two hundred dollars. Z-BOT: He passed over Park Place *and* Boardwalk? Again?! Damn! > Ken knocked him off center. EMMY: Weebles wobble but they don't fall down! > Kahn kept falling, and Falling, and FallinG, and FAlliNG, and > FALLING, WAND: So I'm guessing that's capital punishment. [ALL groan.] WAND : That's the best god damn pun you'll ever hear! > until he hit the spikes, chest first. TBS: So he said "BARF!" MMK : I hate these, Ken. > "Ken and Sean win by Fatality," said the monk. Then, a > werewolf howled in the distance. WAND: The monk took out a shotgun and shot it. TIFF : Meat tonight! > "That was too easy," said Sean, EMMY: ...jinxing himself... > as Bison slipped back into the shadows. WAND: Mr. Johnson's gonna catch hell over this. > Ken nodded, "Yeah. Our first match was harder." MMK: Bull. They spent more time looking at Sakura's panties and they knew it. > Suddenly, a voice came out of the pit, TIFF : Yeah... you're the voice... you're the voice that makes my brain burn and my guts go gooey... > "HISS, YOU THINK YOU DID WELL, KEN AND SEAN, TBS : BUT YOUR DISMOUNT NEEDS A LOT OF WORK! MMK : It's the Romanian judge! EMMY : That bastard! > BUT WHY DON'T YOU COME DOWN INTO THE PIT > AND TRY ME?" Ken then looked down into the pit. Z-BOT : Well waddya know! Shao Kahn's not dead yet! > There was a green ninja with a lizard-head. TBS: Eww. MMK: Thats a lizard head, not a lizard giving him-- [TIFF slices off MMK's armrest.] MMK <^_^ing>: ...never mind. > "REPTILE!" said Sean, looking at the full moon. WAND: So, wait, the moon is reptile? EMMY: A winner is you! > "Ken, if you get a fatality in the Pit with a full moon, EMMY : ...you realize you're playing Castlevania. Stop that. > Reptile comes out looking for a challenge....." > > "We'll take anyone, anywhere," said Ken. WAND : There's a reason my summer home is in San Francisco. > "You're no more pathetic than the other fools Bison and Kahn." MMK : So we're less pathetic than them? TBS : Er... let me rephrase that. > An elevator door opened. Ken and Sean went in, then traveled > down about forty stories down, to the Bottom of the Pit. Z-BOT : Bottom of the Pit. Shoes, socks, and green lizard headed men. >Ken and Sean came out, TIFF: Don't even think about it. ALL: Yes'm. > "We accept your challenge, Reptile." > > "HISS, HISS, THIS SHOULD BE FUN," said Reptile. WAND : AOL IS FUN AND EASY! HISS! HISS! >"AND DO I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU, BUDDY, HISS!" MMK : I'M PREGNANT! HISS! > "Buddy?" asked Ken. "What does he mean?" TBS : Oh, he's my brother. Didn't you know that? > "I don't know," said Sean. > > "You'll find out," said Reptile. TIFF: Not this again... > CHAPTER 11: THE REPTILE AND THE YOGA INFERNO Z-BOT: Two of the newest dancing sensations to hit the Eastern Seaboard! ALL: HEY! HEY! DO THAT BRAND NEW THING! > THE BOTTOM OF THE PIT: WAND: He says "THE PIT" but really means "the barrel." > THE EXACT CENTER OF SHAOLIN ISLAND MMK: Near one of the spikes. TIFF: Left to the body of Shao Kahn. WAND: Slightly between the bodies of Kyo and Iori, who really didn't do too well in the first round. > Ken started the match, while Sean backed off. Ken, > confident as ever, jumped in on Reptile. Z-BOT : Do you *mind?* I'm showering here! > He hit with his jump punch, jump kick, sweep combo. Reptile MMK : ...complained, "Hey! I ordered a cheeseburger with fries combo!" >recovered quickly and performed a double-jump front kick TIFF: If you throw enough adjectives and verbs together, they spontaneously form a new move. TBS: Cool! Let me try! Expectorating green-walk chew! MMK: Red peaceful knee slap! TBS: Purple mountainous masticating murder! MMK: Fudge-filled ransom grab! TIFF : Bloody chainsaw swipe. [MMK and TBS stop.] > to Ken's solar-plexus. Ken was hit, but not stunned > because he expected the attack. TBS : I read you like a book, man! > Reptile then tried his > > "SNEAK ELBOW ATTACK", MMK: HEY SNOT! WATCH OUT! I AM SNEAKING UP ON YOU! TBS: AHHH! AHHH! I CANNOT SEE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE USING THE SKILL OF SNEAKING AND STEALTH! PLEASE DON'T ELBOW ME! MMK : AHA! I HAVE JUST ELBOWED YOU AND YOU WERE POWERLESS TO PREVENT IT FOR I WAS SNEAKING! TIFF: Dare I remind you that I am quite capable of using my Sneak Chainsaw Attack? MMK: That's a rather moot point... how does one sneak up a AAAAIEEEE! > but Ken saw it coming and blocked Reptile. Ken then > slapped Reptile in the face with his > "HA-DO-KEN!" Z-BOT: That's when it turned into a catfight. EMMY : Skank! WAND : Ho! [WAND mimes pulling EMMY's hair.] EMMY : The hair! The hair! WAND : You smelly slut! > Reptile recovered quickly, > > "ACID SPIT!" EMMY: Ken countered with an TBS: ANTACID SPIT! > Ken felt the acid burn through his gi and start to burn > his arm. Ken then did what he was famous for. EMMY: He spazzed out on the buttons and landed a 65% combo? WAND: No. He jobbed like a bastard and let Ryu do all the real work. > He acted like he was hurt badly from the acid. TIFF : It only LOOKS like a third-degree burn! > Reptile followed, just what Ken wanted him to do. WAND : Okay, you got me here, brain. Now what? MMK : I'll... er... um... I'll think of something. WAND : Crap! > Sean came flying kicking in, hitting Reptile right in the > kisser. TBS: "BARF!" said Reptile. MMK: And Reptile was winded. WAND: And struck in the solar plexus. > Reptile was annoyed, and he hit Sean with a quick flurry. MMK: My GOD! How dangerous! Countering with McDonald's Blizzard imitations! > Sean parried some and was slightly hit by others, but he quickly came back > and hit Reptile with a > > SEAN TACKLE! WAND: But what's that in Japanese? MMK: SEANUUU... TAKKU! WAND: That was rhetoric. > Reptile was taken down, then he flipped Sean over. MMK: Got to keep flipping those Seans to make sure they don't get burned. >Sean hand-sprinted out of the throw, then shoulder-rolled. EMMY: Because Sean can walk on his hands. TBS: Like a monkey. EMMY: Absolutely nothing like a monkey. TBS: Yeah. Monkeys are cool. > Reptile charged, only to be hit with a hard right hand > to his face. WAND : We're all microscopic cogs in his catastrophic plan, designed and directed by his Hard Right Hand... > Reptile then performed a creepy stance with > his arms outstretched. Z-BOT: And the cops arrested him for indecent exposure. The end. > Sean came running in, WAND : ...with a *steel chair*! Those can do some *serious damage*! > and caught a drill-kick in the face. MMK: Amingo! Nooo! > "DHALSIM!" screamed Ken. "Why are you here?" EMMY : Why are any of us here? TIFF : ...whoa. EMMY : Yogayogayogayoga... > "I'll explain later, Ken. I'm helping Reptile right now. TBS: Anyone want to place money on them both just *happening* to be members of the Loyal Order of Fighting Games Characters Who Like to Spit Stuff at People? MMK: No sucker bets. > YOGA FIRE!" MMK : Couldn't you explain before you set me on fire? TIFF : What? And take the fun out of it? > Sean was hit by the fireball. While he had to stop, drop, > and roll to put out the fire, TBS: Hey. You learn valuable safety tips in this crap. WAND: Next week, Kabal and Sindel teach us the proper way to run with sharp objects and Dee Jay demonstrates bike safety. > Dhalsim followed it up with a drill-kick. Sean then tried > to come in, but Dhalsim, as he's famous for, EMMY: --sang songs from his upcoming album of show tune covers! TIFF : People... who burn people... are the luckiest people... > hit Sean with arms that > stretched a very long way, three times a normal person's stretch. Z-BOT: His wife is YOGA SATISFIED! > "Beware of Dhalsim's reach," said Ken. "He can hit you > from very long distances." MMK : I noticed. Thanks. EMMY : And he always does it collect. MMK : Crap! > Sean backed off, then jumped high in the air. Dhalsim > read the jump wrong, WAND: POOOOOOOOOODLE! > while Sean performed the > > AIR TORNADO KICK! TIFF: In color. > Dhalsim was sent flying, and Sean rolled in, > > "SHO-RYU-KEN!" > > Sean used his newly-perfected move to hit Dhalsim three > hard times. TBS: This *is* turning into gay porn! EMMY: Hush, little Snot. > Dhalsim backed up. MMK : [mimics driving in reverse] Easy, easy... [*CRASH*] MMK : Damnit! Where'd that *tree* come from?! > Dhalsim tried to drill-headbutt Sean. EMMY: So, after he *nails* you with a *god-damn* Dragon Punch, you jump up, and then do it again... > "SHO-RYU-KEN!" Dhalsim was hit very hard. Sean then > backed off, and Ken hit Dhalsim with a flying kick. Dhalsim > then performed a WAND: ...show-tune. Again. TIFF : Meeeemories... by the light on the paaaaavement... > "YOGA FLAME," MMK: By writing nasty things about Sean's mother in l33t and then posting it to all the newsgroups. EMMY: ...while doing the _uttasana_. > but Ken was prepared. He hit Dhalsim with a TBS: --Yoga Fireman's Hose? [WAND and MMK open their mouths.] TIFF: No. [WAND and MMK close their mouths.] > medium low kick, then uppercutted the Yoga Master. After > Dhalsim faded out and in, EMMY : Whoa! Pardon me, the reception's crap in the Outworld... > Ken hit him with a 1-2 punch, > medium-power kick, followed with a MMK: Pie to the face. > TATSU-MAKI-SEN-PU-KYAKU MMK: Like I said. A pie to the face. TIFF: Okay... > in the air. Dhalsim then meditated. Ken advanced > foolishly, for Reptile was coming in with a flying kick. > Ken caught one right in the kisser. TBS: Are you SURE this isn't gay porn? WAND: [angrily] YES, SNOT. [TBS pauses.] WAND: ...I think. > Reptile then advanced on Ken. MMK: Viciously abusing his platform's block button. > Ken got up, wiped the blood from his mouth, > > "FLAMING SHO-RYU-KEN!" > > Reptile read the move and ripped off his mask for an Z-BOT: ... extremely loud "THBBPT!" > "ACID STORM!" TBS: Ken does not know this, but shortly his head will explode from the force of Reptile's ultimate acid attack. WAND : Don't take the brown acid, man! > Ken was hit by an unusually large spray of acid. Burning > like crazy, Ken tried to lure Reptile in again. TBS: I might be wrong. WAND : I could have sworn, I saw a light coming on... I used to think. I used to think, there is no future left at all, I used to think... EMMY: What have they done to you? > Sean flew in with a kick, but Reptile was smart and backed off. > Reptile then tried a MMK: ... barbecue chicken pizza, and found it strangely delicious. > "BASEBALL SLIDE," TBS: Wait, *foul*! Gratuitously goofy move name in a fic that takes itself too seriously! Give this fic a yellow card *now*! > then tried to knock Sean off-base with a > > "FORCE BALL BOMB!" TBS: Hey! That's *two* yellow cards, young man! > Sean blocked the slide, then jumped the explosion. > > "I've played you so many times in Mortal Kombat, you poor > excuse for a lizard," [A large THUD echoes through the theater.] EMMY: What was that? WAND: Fourth wall again. > and Sean hit Reptile with a jump punch, jump kick, > sweep combo. Reptile recovered and swept Sean right > off his feet. MMK: I wonder what Reptile's cut of the merchandising is? > Figuring Sean was down for a while, Reptile stayed toe-to-toe. > Bad move. Sean recovered quickly and performed his > > "HA-DO-BURST!" > > A large explosion sent Reptile flying into the air. TBS: I got it! This tournament is sponsored by the major airlines! It's a trick to ensnare the fighters in Frequent-Flyer programs! MMK : I will always give you Coach tickets and refuse any attempts you make to upgrade the tickets. But I *DON'T* have any evil plans. > Sean then followed him up into the air, performing a light-kick, > jump punch, slam punch combo. TIFF: Slam dunk the punch! TIFF, WAND: Put it up! ALL: Gotta keep moving! > Reptile fell down hard, and tagged in Dhalsim. He kept away from > Sean, frustrating the young Shotokan warrior with his long-range > attacks. Sean then figured the best way to get Dhalsim out of > there was to get Ken in. Z-BOT : No! Not KEN! He HATES Barbara Streisand! > He backed off, and Ken started to fly in, but the Yoga Master > was ready, WAND: Y'know, at what point did this become Dragonball? Since when did mad karate give you flight capability? > "YOGA INFERNO!" > > Unable to block, Ken was hit very hard by the raging fireballs > Dhalsim blew. WAND : Nice one, dumbass! EMMY : Sorry! I thought it was the best way to-- WAND : When I get home, I'm gonna promote Dan over you! > Hit about forty times with flames as hot as firecrackers, TBS: Hey! That's a *red* card for an aphorism that mades no sense whatsoever! > Ken fell down smoking. Obviously, he was done for the match. MMK: *Extremely* done, actually. Medium. > Sean then hit Dhalsim with a flying kick. Trying to get out of the combo, > Dhalsim performed his EMMY: --showstopping set of ballads. TIFF : On a cleeeeeeeear day... On a cleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeear day... > "YOGA WARP!" Z-BOT: Single available from Columbia records. > ; TBS: Fly free, sweet semi-colon! Roam wild in your natural habitat! > however, Sean was reading it all along. EMMY: A bunch of bookworms, these Street Fighters and Mortal Kombatrites. > He hit Dhalsim as soon as he re-appeared, then > > "SEAN TACKLE" > > d him. WAND: This fanfic brought to you by the letter 'd.' > Dhalsim then had to meditate, TBS : Come oooooonnnn, I gotta meditate noowwwwww!!! EMMY: Oh, chill out. Just think of inner peace, or calm fields, or a mantra, or... TIFF: You bastard, now *I* have to meditate. > allowing Reptile to come in. Sean blocked Reptile's tag > attack, then hit Reptile with his > > "SUPER INTENSE TORNADO KICK!" MMK: REALLY SUPREMELY KICKASS VIOLENT THING! > Reptile was hit 25 times unexpetedly by Sean's advancing > move similar to the SHINKU-TATSU-MAKI-SEN-PU-KYAKU. EMMY: In fact, it was the same move translated to German. > Reptile crashed into the wall while Sean was performing the > technique, so he was easily not going to be able to continue. Z-BOT: Being set on fire doesn't faze him, but a *wall*... WHOA! > Dhalsim came in, and continued to frustrate the young Sean > with his long-range. TBS: ... sniper rifle? WAND: Those Arctics really can annoy you. > Sean now realized there was going to be only one way to > stop Dhalsim with his current style. MMK : If I don't stop him now, he'll go into "Yentyl!" > "HA....." > > Dhalsim then started to extend.... WAND: ...bloody hell, this is DBZ now. TBS: Well, look on the bright side. The fight scene's gotta end before sometime next week. > "DO...." ALL : The locomotion with me! > Dhalsim was stretching.... TIFF: Shouldn't he have done that at the *start* of the fight? > "KEN!" EMMY: And then Dhalsim goes Super-Stretchy-Jin! > Sean performed the fireball right before Dhalsim hit. > Dhalsim didn't expect Sean to perform the move, and was hit > about seven times. Sean then finished the move off with a > walloping > > "SUPER INTENSE TORNADO KICK!" MMK: REALLY NEATO SPINNY THING! > Dhalsim was hit about 23 times and was thrown into the > wall also. ALL: GASP! WAND: Not the wall! TIFF: The wall will destroy us all! > Dhalsim was also unable to continue. WAND: He forgot to bring extra quarters, I guess. > Ken had finally recovered from the Yoga Inferno. TIFF: And the acid spit. And the Super Acid Spit. And the kicks to the face, solar plexus and kidneys. MMK: That's one hell of a mutant healing factor. > The two > approached Dhalsim and Reptile, who were slowly recovering. Z-BOT: Stupid Soul Calibur gimmick fights... > "I think you owe us an explanation, Dhalsim," said Ken. TBS: *Dhalsim* owes us an explanation? No, *you* owe us an explanation on how Sean ripped off all your moves, pretty boy! > "Well, Ken, WAND : We first met at a Refluxophiles Anonymous meeting. ALL: Hi, Dhalsim! > Reptile is now good. EMMY: Then how come Sean beat him up? MMK: To set him up for the TV Title! > I came to help him after > he broke with Shao Kahn over assassinating Kitana." > > "Really?" Sean asked, looking at the reptilian Reptile. TIFF : No... not *really*... ALL : HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...! > "It's true," said Reptile. "I broke with Shao Kahn and Shinnok to > help rebuild my race. WAND: IfyouknowwhatImean! > We were very successful restoring the lost race, but we had no > knowledge. Dhalsim was the one that helped me find > peace, hiss, so I invited him to teach us." EMMY : KOS AH AM THE SERENEST! > "It is an experience," said Dhalsim. "You're teaching > creatures that have no knowledge, no ability. It was also hard because > violence is the only thing that the race knows." Z-BOT: That and Kraftwerk. > "I gained peace, but feared an attack on our race while > the tournament went on, especially since I wasn't invited, hiss," said > Reptile. TIFF: Come to think of it, if I was Shinnok-- MMK: --with no evil plans-- TIFF: --and I wanted to throw the wickedest stag party ever, I wouldn't invite Reptile either. WAND: But he'd make the coolest onion dip. TIFF: Think of the couches! > "So, Dhalsim and I came back to where we were in the > first tournament, in the Bottom of the Pit, TBS : I was not! Z-BOT : You were too! > and hid here until a worthy challenger would come along. MMK : Hence all the board games? WAND : It helps pass the time. TBS : Wanna play Monopoly? > I sprinted to other areas, hiss, and I was attacked by some army man." EMMY : He was little and green, hsss. > "Guile," said Ken. "He's very intolerant to animals." TIFF : Why'd he attack me, then? Z-BOT : He hates cheesy fighters too. Nothing personal. TIFF : Oh...HEY! > "Anyway, he grabbed me by the neck. I had to spit acid to > defend myself. Sorry if I did any damage, hiss," said Reptile. EMMY : Yes. I didn't mean to give him third-degree acid burns. [A pause.] WAND : AHEM. EMMY : Oh. Yeah. Hiss. > "It's OK," said Sean. WAND: Nice to see the evil ninjas are getting along with the karate good guys again. TIFF: There's a distinct Squaresoft flava to these guys' relationships. > "Shinnok's planning an invasion right now," said Dhalsim. > "He may not wait until the tournament's over to launch it. You have to > hurry. Remember, only the strong of heart survive." TBS : A tough spleen might help, too. > "Good luck, hiss," said Reptile. > > "You too. Build back your race," said Ken. WAND: And fill back your glass. > "Look forward to meeting you again," said Sean. TIFF: Have a nice or something. Whatever. Z-BOT: Send pics of the kids...or something... > Ken and Sean entered the elevator that returned them to > ground level and returned to the reception room. TBS : Dammit! They ran out of bean dip! MMK : This *always* happens right before the semis! DAMN! ======== COMMERCIAL: The swirling Multiversal Television Network logo comes up with the title "Behind the Torture." [Cut to studio.] FEMALE ANNOUNCER: I'm Laurellen Hardy. Join me here next week as "Behind the Torture" brings you the scandal behind the largest SI syndicate in the known universe: Eyrie Productions. What *really* happened between Gryphon and Cammy. What *really* happened between MegaZone and Sakura. Why ICZER hates Eyrie. And *who* is Gryphon's real father? Next week on "Behind The Torture." MALE ANNOUNCER: And I'm Morley Questionable. Two weeks from tonight, we begin the stunning 47-part series in which we face the darkest of fears. We go into the brain of the most reviled writer of contemporary lemon fiction in the world. And we learn that the vagina is connected directly to the stomach. [Tentacles appear behind LAURELLEN and slowly begin creeping up on her.] MORLEY: Due to the graphic nature of many of the images, we recommend that persons with heart conditions, pregnant females, and persons of any age do not watch as we present "Behind the Torture Special Report: Inside the Mind of...BioDread." [Tentacles grab LAURELLEN and pull her down behind the desk, off camera. MORLEY looks over, waiting for her to deliver the final line of the commercial. He looks at the ground behind her chair, blinks twice, and turns back to the camera.] MORLEY: That's "Behind the Torture." Check your local listings. Only on MTN. [Cut back to swirling Multiversal Television Network logo with the title "Behind the Torture."] ======== > CHAPTER 12: SECOND ROUND INTERMISSION Z-BOT: In which completely inaccurate backplot is provided for this totally nonsensical story. MMK: Is there going to be a guy who comes out in a loincloth and dances to "Tea For Two" now? EMMY: Er... no. MMK: Well, why not? It happens when the *Offspring* has an intermission. EMMY: I can't argue with that. > RECEPTION ROOM, SHAOLIN ISLAND > > After getting a good night's sleep, Ken, Sean, Sub-Zero, and Ryu > entered the room. WAND: And learned that *someone's* been hogging the goddamn bathroom all morning! Z-BOT : I'm almost done! > "Guess it's just us now," said Ken. TIFF : Just the two of us! Just the two of us! TBS : Friend or foe, it's only us! > "I still have to kick your butt," said Ryu. EMMY : "Buns of Steel?" Yeah. Right. > "You're still close to my ability, and can't be the best without > going through you." Z-BOT: The best way is through the stomach, I'm told. > "Ken's the best," said Sean. TBS : *WHO* BETTA THAN KEN-YON? MMK : *NOBODY*! TBS : That's RIGHT! > "Oh yeah," replied Ryu. Z-BOT: Boy, it's admirable the way Ryu sticks up for himself, huh? TIFF : You suck. Ken's gonna kill you. WAND : Yup. Looks like. TBS : Wallet inspector. WAND : Sure, just a second. > Unusually hot, Ryu replied, "We'll see, kid." MMK: Oh. The old Hart "I had a fever" defense in case he loses. [nods sagely] > Sub-Zero then walked in, "Cool down guys. You're arguing over nothing!" > "Back off, ice man," said Ken Z-BOT: To which Bobby Drake replied, "Hey, don't involve me in your fanfic!" > very arrogantly. "I'll kick your butt as well." TBS : And then I'll attack you and kick your butt! MMK : ...My butt? TBS : Yes your butt! MMK : Not my butt! TBS : Oh yes your butt! MMK : Ack! TBS : Your butt! MMK : ACK! TBS : Your BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT! [MMK pulls a roll of toilet paper from behind his back and hucks it at TBS. TBS catches it in his mouth and flops over as if dead.] EMMY : We don't know these people. > Sean then pulled Sub-Zero off to the side and said, TIFF : Sub-Zero... eat more cheese. WAND : To this day I do not really know why he said that. > "Don't get between Ryu and Ken, Sub. It's TBS : ...love. > a long-time rivalry, and they'll take it out on you if you get in the > middle." > "How long?" asked Sub. Z-BOT : That's a rather personal question, sir. > "A long time ago. EMMY : Was it also in a galaxy far away? TIFF : Don't make me slap you. EMMY : Hey, I will kick your butt! WAND : Hey! Don't step on my lines! MMK : Yeah! He'll kick your butt! WAND : Yeah! I--godDAMN it! > They were students under Master Gouken years ago, when they were just > kids. TBS: This is when they met Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow and Zartan tried to kill them, right? > Ryu came in search of becoming the best fighter, Ken came because his father > felt he needed more discipline. Z-BOT: That or he really needed the crap kicked out of him. I dunno. > They became devoted to their art, both becoming black belts at a relatively > young age," MMK: But then, they were never sold because the consumers preferred the ones with the large buckles. > said Sean. TIFF: *Right* Said Sean. TBS: He's Too Sexy, you know. > "Ken came to fight in tournaments a bit, but promised to return. Then, > came the ugliest scene of all. WAND : He saw your movie. EMMY : Oh, God. WAND : Never wanted to practice Shotokan again. EMMY : You see? That is the sort of crap people are always trying to lay on me! It is not *my* fault he quit Shotokan! JESUS! > While Sheng Long and Gouken were talking, TIFF : What is your wish? Z-BOT : I wish to be the strongest in the world! TIFF : Oh! Another one of those nutjobs. > that demon Akuma came out of the shadows. MMK : Boo. > He performed the RAGING DEMON WAND: ...in front of a live studio audience. > on both of them while Ryu was performing a task for Gouken. TIFF : Hey, Ryu. Go run to the nearest town and see if I'm there. EMMY : Yes, Master! [EMMY mimes running off.] TIFF : I'm surrounded by idiots. WAND : I see what you mean. I would have phoned. Z-BOT: Da-bum-bum. Tssh! > Ryu came in the house enraged, TBS: What's he so pissed about? He knows full well you have to defeat Sheng Long to stand a chance! EMMY : I checked, Master, you aren't ther--SWEET JESUS! > then he went on a long wandering trip. He searched the > world for twenty years, looking for the best fights." MMK: So, if let's say he's sixteen when he got the black belt. He's what? Thirty-six, at least? [OTHERS nod.] MMK : Okay. Just checking. > "Wow," said Sub-Zero. WAND : Why did he not pick fights in pool halls like a normal person would? EMMY : 'Scuse me, but is this your story? WAND : Oh. Sorry. > "Then, the first Street Fighter tournament came up. > > Ryu and Ken were to fight in the final match, but they > had a truce: Ken would let Ryu fight the last match, for Ryu > defeated Ken in a recent sparring match. So Ryu matched up > with Sagat. TIFF: And what a lovely couple they made. > Sagat pretty much threw Ryu around like a rag doll, WAND : Okay, kids! Today we're gonna teach Shotos how to fly! Where's Ryu? C'mere, Ryu! [WAND picks up TBS and holds him up.] WAND : Ready, Ryu? Ready? Okay! One... two... three! [WAND drops TBS.] TBS : ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF- *whump* WAND : Aww, man! That's too bad. You try, Ken! MMK : ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF- *whump* WAND : Aww, MAN! > but Ryu somehow pulled off a SHIN-SHO-RYU-KEN off Z-BOT: ...even if it never existed back in Street Fighter I... > scarring Sagat in the chest for life. EMMY: As scars are wont to do. Funny, that. > Ryu won that tournament in upset fashion, making him a hero > throughout the world. Ryu couldn't perform a SHIN-SHO-RYU-KEN > for almost 20 years after that date in destiny." MMK : Twenty more years? TIFF: Twenty more years. MMK: That makes him... fifty-six at the time of this story? [OTHERS nod.] MMK: Just checking. > "Any more?" asked Sub. > > "There's plenty more," said Sean. WAND : Crap. Let me get my pillow. > "Ryu and Ken then fought in the end of the Alpha tournament. Ken > fought bravely, but had not perfected his SHIN-RYU-KEN. EMMY : I mean, he really *whiffed* it! TIFF : Hey! Shut up over there! EMMY : He *still* can't hit it! TIFF : I said, *shut up*! I'll kick your butt! Z-BOT : Damn it, now you die! > Ryu won with ease, and took that tournament. WAND: Thus continuing a proud tradition. MMK: Ken is the Randy Savage to Ryu's Hogan. TIFF: Yes. MMK: The Sasuke to his Liger. TIFF: Uh-huh. MMK: The Kawada to his Misawa. TIFF: Shut up. EMMY: No, actually, he's right. TIFF: And you shut up too. TBS: Or you'll kick his butt? TIFF: I-- *snerk* --shut up! > Ryu and Ken were supposed to fight in the Alpha 2 tournament > again, but Ken was upset by a young crime lord at the time > called M. Bison. WAND: Who was around during Alpha, but... EMMY: Drink, Wandy. WAND: Don't mind if I do. > Ryu was also distracted by Akuma's presence at the tournament. TBS: Akuma, knowing what he was up against, had brought a dollar on a string. > Bison ended up defeating Sagat in the finals and becoming the Street > Fighter tournament master." Z-BOT: He then went on to fail miserably at his attempts to become a Pokemon master. > "Sounds like trouble," said Sub. TBS: ...sarcastically as he looked for a way to escape. > "Bison ended up becoming a general of an international organization > called Shadowloo. EMMY: After all, it was the logical career path for a Street Fighter tournament master. > He launched many horrible experiments and terrorized the entire world. MMK : He would egg the world's house and toilet paper its lawn every week. > He first tried to shoot him in the Alpha tournament, but Charlie was > wearing a bullet-proof vest. WAND: Yes. [Pause.] WAND: *What*? TBS : I notice you're starting to tune out, so I'll start talking about something else entirely with no lead-in. Z-BOT : Wow. Mm-hmm. Fascinating. > Charlie then survived the Alpha 2 tournament when he barely grabbed > onto a tree falling from a cliff. TIFF: Wouldn't that added weight make him fall faster? EMMY: Tiff, thinking *bad*. > Then, the deciding battle came when Apocalypse invaded the world. TIFF : Um... that is very interest-- MMK : Shhhh... this is the confusing part. TIFF : But it is kind of all very-- MMK : Not now... > The Street Fighters and Bison then put off their rivalry to take on > the hideous monster. TBS: Now they're just being plain mean to Apocalypse. > They teamed up with the X-Men, including Cyclops and Wolverine. MMK: What? No Longshot or Dazzler? No Nightcrawler, Thunderpunch, Beast or Rapture? WAND: Why are you working in *Thunderpunch*? MMK : No Dynamo, Kitty, Havok, Phoenix, Dark Phoenix, Jubilee or Banshee? EMMY: No. MMK: Rip-off! > It was so serious that Akuma even fought against Apocalypse. In the > end, Ryu and Ken put aside their differences and slammed Apocalypse > hard. He didn't die, WAND: Mutants never do, really. TBS: Neither do dreams! MMK: The dream is DEAD! TBS: No! DREAMS DON'T DIE! TIFF: DAMN IT, SHUT UP! > but he was stopped for many years to come," Sean told Sub. WAND : Until he merged with Cyclops and took over a parallel universe and died and got better and all the X-Men got new outfits and the Giant Sentinels attacked and-- EMMY : What the hell are you talking about? WAND : I read too much. Gimme a drink. > "I remember that one," said Sub. "I was a young ninja doing spy work > in that tournament." ALL: ... Z-BOT : You bullshit, *I* bullshit. Deal with it. > "Then, Bison got too big for his britches. TBS: So he went on a diet. MMK : SLIM FAST CRUSHA! > He captured Charlie and made him the lead experiment for mindless soldiers. EMMY: Yeah, but... > Guile found out, and immediately formed his air force squad to attack > the Shadowloo fortress. EMMY: But... > Bison had recruited Vega and Sagat to protect himself. But, the combined > forces of Balrog, E. Honda, and Chun Li enabled the attack to get under way. WAND: All this and more... in "Gunbird 3!" EMMY: But...but... > Ken and Ryu then took out Vega and Sagat, while Guile hunted Bison. EMMY: Yeah, BUT... > Bison did defeat Guile, but Charlie broke out of the experimentation > chamber. He combined his powers with the new beast powers he had, > totally overwheming Bison. EMMY: ...I have to say it. WAND: Hold it. EMMY: I can't hold it. TBS: There's a bathroom over-- EMMY: No, not like that. MMK: Well, say it! EMMY: GODDAMMIT, RYOGA! THE FUCKING STREET FIGHTER MOVIE IS NOT NOR WILL IT EVER BE FUCKING CANON! WHY CAN'T YOU GET THAT IN YOUR HEAD?!? [EMMY takes a deep breath and leans back in his chair, satisfied.] TIFF: That was unnecessary. MMK: No, I think he needed to do it. TIFF: Yes, but that's not what... shut up. > Bison was killed, and was only revived through magic twice later." Z-BOT : Magic? Others simply call it... a Gameshark. > "I see Ken and Ryu work well as a team," said Sub-Zero. > > "Things got cold as time went on. MMK : ...why is everybody looking at me like that? TIFF : Then we realized that it was winter. > Ken, after the attack on Bison, married his girlfriend Eliza, while > Ryu continued wandering on. Only one person really loved Ryu: WAND: Molly Ringwald. > his admirer Sakura. TIFF: Feh. Groupies. MMK : Ryu, my sweet, I shall long for you from afar, never swaying, never being unfaithful. When you return, I-- Z-BOT : Hey, Sakura! Want to go to the prom with me? MMK : I'd love to! > It all came out when Apocalypse re-invaded. TBS : Nobody needs to discover me! I'm back again! EMMY : Don't call it a comeback! I've been here for years! > Ken then teamed up with Spider-Man, and Ryu teamed up Cyclops. WAND: Thus blowing the "Ken and Ryu work well as a team" line out of the air within two paragraphs. > The two teams met before the final matches, and in a close match, > Ryu edged out Ken after Ken missed a SHO-RYU-REPPA! EMMY : I mean, he REALLY WHIFFED it! WOW! TIFF : SHUT THE FUCK UP, SEAN! > Ryu and Cyclops then buried Apocalypse. MMK : TOMBSTONE! TOMBSTONE! > But, Akuma then sneak-attacked Ryu while wearing a cyber-suit that > enhanced his powers. Ken and Spider-Man were right there, and they > somehow defeated the cyber-suited Akuma. TBS: Then they met on Nitro when Akuma joined the nWo and chose Kevin Nash as his partner in the cage match. > Ryu then realized he was getting nowhere fast. Z-BOT: At least he's efficient. > He started to settle down with Sakura > > meanwhile, Ken's son, Mel, was born," continued Sean. WAND: Has he breathed once since he began? > "A few years later, there was another tournament. Ryu said this > would be his last tournament other than to save the world, TIFF: In the future, they'll notify him when world-saving's needed. EMMY: Preferably three weeks in advance. > and Ken obliged to join to give his rival one good last fight. Ryu > and Ken met right before the final match started. MMK : Hey, isn't it funny how we always meet before the final match? TBS : Now that you mentioned it...yeah! Hehehe! MMK : Hahaha! TBS : Hahaha! MMK : I think it's fate. TBS : Huh? MMK : Can't you see? We're destined for each other. TBS : ... > Ryu and Ken were almost equal, but Ryu made a mistake: Z-BOT: He forgot the pants. > He performed his Super Hurricane Kick when Ken was looking for it. > Ken ducked, then performed his SHIN-RYU-KEN. Ryu fell easily to the > move. Then, Ken made mincemeat out of Gill, MMK: Hey! Half-red, half-blue mincemeat! Neat! > while I fought Ryu in consolation." TBS : And that's most of it... TIFF Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... TBS : HEY! TIFF What? What did I miss? > "I bet Ryu kicked your butt," said Sub-Zero. MMK: No sure bets! EMMY : That's MY line! I'll kill EVERY LAST FUCKING ONE of you! > "Indeed, he did, REAL BADLY; however, I learned from it. TBS : So I retired from street-fighting competition and became a software programmer. TIFF : Yes, very lovely. TBS : Now I make eight million a year. TIFF : Mm-hmm. > I'm a much better fighter now, and Ken's teaching me more. I have > the SHO-RYU-KEN down, and I just performed my first HA-DO-KEN," said > Sean. WAND: Ah, yes... everyone remembers their first Hadoken. MMK: You mean their first HA-DO-KEN, right? WAND: Yes. [A beat.] EMMY: Whoa. > "It's good to see a young fighter developing his potential," said > Sub-Zero. "I wonder what the Defenders of the Realm Team is doing." Z-BOT: Looking for their agents. TIFF : Who booked this crap?! > "I don't know," said Sean. "I bet they're getting ready > to fight anybody who breaks the tournament rules." ALL: Rules...? WAND: Rule number one of the tournament, you do not talk about the tournament. TBS: What's the second rule of the tournament? WAND: ...Snot... TBS: What? *What*? > CHAPTER 13: RYU/SUB-ZERO vs. KEN/SEAN: IS IT HAPPENING AGAIN? MMK : Yes! No! Yes! What? > THIRD ROUND ACTION: RECEPTION ROOM: SHAOLIN ISLAND EMMY: Cool! Hardcore street fight! > "Ryu, Sub-Zero, are you ready?" asked Shinnok. Ryu and Sub-Zero > nodded to Shinnok. TBS : Do you, Ryu, take this ninja as your lawfully wedded... > "Ken, Sean, are you ready?" asked Shinnok. TIFF : Uh... I think I hear my wife calling me... EMMY : I need to take a leak first... > Ken and Sean nodded. "Ready, > > FIGHT!" Z-BOT : The box is locked, the lights are on, it's Shotoclone fighting time! > Ken started for his team, while Ryu started for his team. Ken tried > a quick flashy attack, WAND : Honey... Flash! > but Ryu stuck him with a "HA-DO-KEN." > > Ken stumbled back from the shot. > > Ryu tried to jump in, but Ken caught him with a TBS: Large net. > "FLAMING SHO-RYU-KEN." TBS: Goddammit, it was a NET! Weren't you listening? > Ryu was incinerated three times in the air. WAND: Damnit! I wanted my Ryu medium rare! > The match became very obvious at the point: Ryu would dominate the > ground, MMK : You, shotokan! TBS : Yes? MMK : I want you to go down to that ground and dominate! TBS : But... wait... we're on defense. MMK : Woah, woah, woah... I don't do defense. > Ken the air. EMMY : And Ken The Air was mercilessly teased by Ivan The Terrible, Vlad The Impaler and Schmendrick The Incontinent. > Ryu threw another > > "HA-DO-KEN," > > but Ken slapped Ryu with a TIFF: Fifty dollar fine. > "HA-DO-KEN" > > from the air right to his face. Z-BOT: In the air, off the ceiling, off the wall... nothing but face. > Ryu shook it off, > > "SHO-RYU-KEN!" > > Ken blocked the move in the air, but was knocked back. > Ryu then tried to work low on Ken. TBS: [stands up] Okay, now *that* was on purpose! Ryoga, you slut! > He threw a low kick, then a sweep kick, then another WAND: Kick? > "HA-DO-KEN." [WAND snaps his fingers.] > Ken reeled backwards. Ken then dared Ryu to come at him. [MMK grins.] MMK: SCENE! [MMK and TBS stand up. They face each other.] MMK : I dare you to step over this line! [Makes a line on the theater floor in between him and TBS.] [TBS steps over the line.] MMK : How about this one! [Makes another line between them.] [TBS steps over the line.] MMK : And this! [Makes another line between them.] [TBS steps over the line... again.] MMK : And this! [Makes another line between them.] [TBS steps over the line.] MMK : How about this one! [Makes yet another line between them.] [TBS steps over the line.] [WAND takes out a remote and presses fast forward. The looping scene speeds up. WAND stops the fast forward. MMK has stopped making lines, but TBS continues to step over something. TBS continues until he hits the wall.] TBS : Ouch, that hurt. MMK: END SCENE! [MMK and TBS, who is still rubbing a sore nose, sit down.] > Ryu, ever so quick to get rid of Ken, charged in, only to take > a flying kick from Sean to the kisser. TIFF : My lips! My painfully vulnerable lips! Z-BOT : I'll never be able to kiss again! > Ryu wiped the blood, then pounded Sean with a jump punch, jump > kick, sweep kick combo. > > "Kicked your butt once before, more than happy to do it > again," said Ryu, as he overconfidently came in. EMMY: Yes. We all know what a base amateur that Ryu is. > "SHO-RYU-KEN!" > > Sean hit Ryu hard in the air three times. Ryu was so > surprised that he was almost totally winded. Z-BOT : And he was hit in the solar plexus. TIFF : And he slammed into a wall. TBS: And he said, "BARF!" > Ryu then looked back, and Sub-Zero came flying in. TIFF : AAAAAHHHH...WHUMP! WAND : Oops. > Sean blocked it, but then was frozen, EMMY: ...in shock. TBS : Where are your... pants?! > "ICE 1!" > > Sub then 1-2 punched, cut striked, front-thrust-round > kicked, then spinning wheel kicked Sean in a combo. MMK: He did this while singing "Layla" backwards, tapdancing, standing on his head, eating a grapefruit, spitting wine into a small cup, breaking Foghat records over his head, and doing the Safety Dance. WAND: And Sean *still* wasn't knocked down. > Sean recovered and backed off, and Ken came flying kicking in. Z-BOT: The part of Ken will now be played by Jet Li. > After knocking Sub backwards, Ken then slapped Sub in the face > with a EMMY: ...a heavy metal gauntlet. WAND : I accept. > "HA-DO-KEN!" > > Annoyed, Sub came charging in. TBS : I am a bull! Toro! Toro! > "FLAMING SHO-RYU-KEN!" > > Ken incinerated Sub with four hard blows. > > Sub, being weak to the fire, MMK : Kizutsuita itami yori! Iyasenai mono ga aru! Tatakai no asa ga kita! Kono inochi kakete yaru... TIFF: Okay, I'm checking your medication after this is through. > was greatly winded from the shot. WAND: Aw, *Jesus*... > Ken then tried the > > "FLAMING SHO-RYU-KEN" > > again, but missed his target. Sub then quickly replied, > > "AVALANCHE!" TIFF : That wasn't a name! I was just warning you about the avalanche! Z-BOT : It's too late now. Already trademarked it. > Ken was caught in a massive snow mass and slammed into > the wall. Ken then said Z-BOT : FUCK YEAH! This tastes better than *sex*! WAND: That's when the other three fighters started inching the hell away from Ken. > "YA-TSU-KI." EMMY: Then he said it another time for emphasis, then said it again since it was a fun word to say. > Sub came in again, only to be flying-kicked by Sean. Sub then tried an > > "ICE 1" > > spell again, only to get a > > "SEAN TACKLE" > > in return. TIFF: Those new Magic: The Gathering cards are *weird*. WAND: [shakes his head] Sub-Zero got gypped. The Sean Tackle is a bad card. It even ranks a little lower than the James HA-DO-KEN card. > Taken quickly down, Sub was a victim of the MMK: ...Tazzmission! TBS : Just... Another... Victim! > "SHO-RYU-CANNON!" > > Sub was sent flying from the shot and had no choice but > to raise his hand. ALL : Raise your hand/raise your hand if you're sure! > Ryu came flying in. Ryu then started pounding Sean, > > "HA-DO-KEN!" > > Sean then got up. > > "HA-DO-KEN!" MMK: Sean then got down. TBS: "HA-DO-KEN!" MMK: Sean then ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. TBS: "HA-DO-KEN!" MMK: And before he went to bed, he watched Cartoon Network. TBS: "HA-DO-KEN!" > Sean was getting hit hard, > > "SHO-RYU-KEN!" > > Sean was struggling even more. > > "Had enough yet, kid?" asked Ryu. EMMY : Hold! What you are doing is wrong! Why are you doing this? > "No, Ryu. WAND: Sean... in a role to make you wonder why: Oliver Twist. TIFF : Please, sir, I want some more. > HA-DO-KEN!" > > Sean threw a fireball at Ryu that slammed him seven times. TBS: Well, and I thought you can only hit once with a fireball. Silly me. > "That was good," said Ryu as he recovered. "But I still have a > pretty nasty trick left. MMK : Behold my pendulous man-boobs! Z-BOT : ...ew. > SHINKU HADOKEN!" > > Sean blocked the Super Fireball Beam Attack. WAND : Your Super Fireball Beam Attack is no match for my Forearm of Defensive Capability! EMMY : Dang it! My Super Fireball Beam Attack, the Dirtiest Move in All of Tournament Fighting, is no match for your Forearm of Defensive Capability! TBS : Your Repetition of the Point Someone Else Has Made is strong. But not as strong as my Complete Disallowance of Character which Allows Me To Become A Completely Different Person Who Speaks Just Like Everyone Else On Earth! TIFF : You people are weird. MMK : *I* don't have any evil plans. > "Man, that was my best shot," said Ryu discouraged. MMK, TBS : No-sell! No-sell! No-sell! > Sean then flattened Ryu with a 1-2 punch, spinning wheel kick combo. > > "Tag out, Sean," said Ken. "You'll get killed!" EMMY : Specifically, if you knock out Ryu before I can, I will KILL YOU. > Sean kept advancing on the groggy Ryu; however, Ryu was still a > dangerous fighter when disorientated. WAND: Yeah. You should see him when he's drunk. [Rimshot.] > Ryu caught Sean advancing, and > > he let almost all of his chi energy out, > > "SHIN-SHO-RYU-KEN!" Z-BOT: Fear his mighty shins! > Sean was hit four extremely hard times in the jaw, and he hit the ground > hard and unconscious. Ken then came in. Ryu, knowing he had to get out, > immediately looked back, TIFF: ...and, lo, did Ryu turn into a pillar of salt. > enabling Sub to come in. > > Ken was prepared, and blocked Sub's flying kick. As Sub was playing > with his ice, MMK: Oh please oh please, if any higher powers are listening, please give me the strength to ignore this joke I am thinking of, oh please oh please oh please oh please... > Ken pounded him, > > "SHO-RYU-REPPA!" > > He pounded Sub-Zero about 10 times in the solar-plexus, WAND: Fun fact, kiddies. The solar plexus, oft believed to cover the entire body, is actually the small part of your chest where the ribs divide. TBS: And remember, kids. The solar plexus is not a toy. Do not take the solar plexus internally. EMMY: Do not taunt happy fun solar plexus. > plus made him feel the heat. MMK : This isn't *help*ing... > After cornering Sub-Zero in the room, Ken took advantage of Sub's > weakest state, Z-BOT: Rhode Island? > "SHIN-RYU-KEN!" > > Ken hit Sub-Zero 17 times while lifting Sub-Zero in the air, > incinerating him totally. After Sub-Zero landed, he was unconscious > and smoking. TIFF: A bad habit that he got from Smoke. > Ryu then came in, "So, it's you and me again, Ken." > > Ken nodded, "Ken vs. Ryu. What else is new?" TBS: It's a rerun! ALL: Booo! Hiisss! MMK: So what's on Raw? > "The fact you're going down, Mr. Masters," said Ryu. EMMY : And no teeth this time. > "Not me," said Ken. "Attack me if you dare, and I will crush you > with my SHO-RYU-REPPA!" WAND : Either that or a groin shot. I haven't decided yet. > "Oh yeah?" replied Ryu. "You'll have to defeat my Aerial > SHINKU HADOKEN to stand a chance." TBS: Y'know, I heard there was a hidden character in XSF called Ariel Shinkuu Hadoken. > Ken then rolled under a > > "HA-DO-KEN" > > of Ryu's, then hit his buddy with an uppercut, followed > with a 1-2 punch, medium-power kick, EMMY: Large Coke, an order of curly fries and a slice of apple pie. > "TATSU-MAKI-SEN-PU-KYAKU" > > combo. Ryu reeled, but caught Ken coming in with a > > "SHO-RYU-KEN." WAND : Whoa! I caught a pickle-mouthed Kenfish! This one's a whopper! > Ken staggered back, then blocked a > > "SHINKU HADOKEN!" > > Ken then tried to drill in a > > "SHO-RYU-REPPA," Z-BOT: But his drilling permit application was still pending. > but Ryu blocked, and as Ken fell, Ryu threw him right down. Ryu > tried to follow up, but Ken hit him square in the TBS: GODDAMMIT, STORY! > nose TBS: [blinks] Huh? > and rolled out. Ken then super-jumped Ryu. TIFF, MMK : Boingy! Boingy! Boingy! Boingy! > In response, Ryu performed the > > "SHINKU TATSU-MAKI-SEN-PU-KYAKU!" > > Ken controlled his jump and landed right next to Ryu. > Knowing Ryu had a decent amount of wind left, EMMY: Ken huffed. And he puffed. And he blew Ryu's house down. Z-BOT : Quick! To Dan's dojo! It's made of sticks! > Ken took a chance. He attempted to break into Ryu's Super > Hurricane Kick with a > > SHIPPU JINRAI KYAKU. > > The legs kept tangling with each other, TBS: Are you SURE this isn't gay porn? [WAND opens his mouth to speak, but no words come out.] WAND: ...no. > an estimate to how many times they hit each other was unknown. Z-BOT: Nor did anyone give a flying winkie about. > The intensity that both competitors performed the move, it was > said they hit each other about forty times apiece. MMK: Then again, it was also said that for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. EMMY: It's true! > But when all was said and done, Ken and Ryu had both fallen. ALL: They've fallen and they can't get up! > A double knockout and the tournament seemed over..... MMK: And twas much rejoicing... ALL : Yaaaaaay... > AFTER THE MATCH: RECEPTION ROOM, SHAOLIN ISLAND > > Shinnok was laughing loudly. WAND : YES! No payoff! No payoff! > Ryu, Ken, Sean, and Sub-Zero were all laying unconscious on the floor > of the Reception Room. Being no one now seemed eligible to fight the > boss teams, Shinnok felt that he could take over the world now. MMK : Not that I had any evil plans or anything... > "Kintaro, form the invasion teams! Earth Realm is ours!" > crackled Shinnok. > > "Yes Master," yelled an exhilirated Kintaro. They were > pleased and ready to conquer the world. TIFF : Segue into musical number with Outworld crew singing about "taking over the world" to the point of ad nauseam. [A pause. Everyone looks to MMK and TBS.] TBS: We don't have enough money. MMK: Renting out Marx Brothers imitators would be hell on the floor. > Shinnok's invasion force started to blast off. Kintaro led the > crew. The Defenders of the Realm seemed to be in deep trouble.... Z-BOT: They heard that their show was going to be cancelled *real* soon... > "THAT'S ENOUGH," said a mysterious voice. EMMY : WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE? WAND, TBS, MMK: Having a nutritious breakfast, Mom! > "THERE IS STILL ONE TEAM THAT HAS NOT PARTICIPATED YET!" WAND: Oh, no. Incoming! MMK: Oh, if it was only Kim Kaphwan and Dan Hibiki... > Shinnok turned in absolute shock, "All of the teams have > been defeated...." EMMY : OH. NEVERMIND THEN. SAY... WANT TO GET SOME ICE CREAM? WAND : WOULD I?! > Ryu, Ken, Sub-Zero, and Sean had started to recover, and > they also heard the starting announcement. TBS : Did someone say "Ice Cream?" Z-BOT : Cool! Ice cream! TIFF : Hey, Ken! I'll race you there! EMMY : If you try to race me there, I'll beat you with my FAT-FREE VANILLA YOGURT! > "Go home, whomever you are," said Shinnok. "You're not > invited," said Shinnok. > > "Oh yes, we are..." James and Chris walked out of the > shadows of the Reception Room. MMK : Actually, no, you're *not*. TBS : It...doesn't? WAND : Aw, man! I forgot to sign us up! TBS : What do you mean, you *forgot*? WAND : Well, we were skulking around waiting our time and bitching. I thought *you* did it already. TBS : Oh, for crissakes, you mean we came here for nothing? WAND : *You* were the one who said to skulk around like munchkins! MMK : Get security in here, Kintaro. > "HA HA HA! What are two kids going to do?" Shinnok > laughed maniacally. "Go home and cry to your mommies....." TIFF : Can't. We killed them. > "We're here to stay," said James, as he showed Master Sema's > invitation stamped by Akuma's symbol on the back of his uniform, > showing that Master Sema was really dead. Akuma then held out the > other scroll he had. Z-BOT : Oh PLEASE don't look at me right now... > "Enough controversy," said Shinnok. "If you have spilt the scrolls, > you'll fight each other. MMK : And while you fight, I'll call Jean Reno to have you messily removed so that I can invade Earth, but I *DON'T* have any evil plans! > I don't know who you two are, you two will fight Akuma and Wolverine > at the Kombat Zone of their choice...." EMMY , TBS : THE ROMPER ROOM! THE ROMPER ROOM! > James and Chris then prepared themselves. Ryu, Ken, Sean, and > Sub-Zero fled the Reception Room to find the Defenders of the > Realm and defend them from attack. > > "SHOOZU!" Akuma shouted, All: Gesundheit. > "I can't believe you came this far," said Akuma. "I sense a great > power in you, kid. Your power seems to be greater than even that > of Master Sema." [ALL cough. A sound roughly like "bullshit" can be heard.] > "Yeah right," said James. "I can't match your power." MMK: Don't be modest. You're not that good. > "And this young little punk, get him out of here," said > Wolverine. "I want some real competition. TBS : Dear Santa: I want some real competition. And a pony. And some Transformers. I've been a good boy this year, so if you could... > "You'll get competition," said Chris. "Don't count your > chickens before they're hatched, Wolvie." EMMY : CHICKENS? WHERE?!? > "Well, it's a pity that you two kids would want to waste your lives, > SHOOZU! WAND : With your fast cars, and your DAMN ROCK MUSIC--! > I'll waste you two so quick with my RAGING DEMON that you > won't stand a chance..." > > "We'll see, Akuma," said James. Akuma then warped the competitors to > his Temple of Fists over in Japan. TIFF: ...and left them there as he warped back to Shaolin Island. MMK , TBS : Akuma, you meanie! > CHAPTER 14: CHARLIE BLANKA AND THE DRAGON JETS WAND: Straight from Atlanta, Georgia! Z-BOT: I take it that Bennie and the Jets is protected by copyright law. > DRAGON JETS BY THE SEA, EASTERN SHAOLIN ISLAND > > Liu Kang, Kitana, Scorpion, and Johnny Cage had just finished > repairing the jets, EMMY : Cage, pass me that wrench. MMK : Sure thing! [MMK mimes doing the ball-breaker splits and giving EMMY the wrench.] EMMY : Johnny, pass me that left-handed flange drive. MMK : Okayaroonie! [MMK mimes doing the ball-breaker splits and giving EMMY the left- handed flange drive.] TIFF : Why the flaming *fuck* do you do those spilts all the time? MMK : I'm bendy. > thanks to the help of Chun Li, Guile, Sakura, and Blanka. WAND: --who spent most of the time saying "Ooh, what does *this* wire do?" > "I sense TBS: A disturbance in the schwartz? MMK: Nookie? EMMY: Fear. I love the smell of fear. WAND: Vodka? EMMY: Wanderer, it's time to admit that you have a problem. WAND: My problem is right there on that screen. > company," said Rayden. ALL: Oh. > "Get into the jets!" MMK : You're not the boss of me. WAND : But we're about to be attacked- MMK : You're not the boss of me! WAND : But we have to- MMK : YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME! WAND : GODDAMMIT, YES I AM! MMK : Oh, Okay. [Dark shadows leave WAND and MMK's bodies, and phase out through the ceiling, laughing evilly.] EMMY: I have a *bad* feeling about this... > Everyone rushed into the jets. Everyone but Blanka did. TBS : I'm not going in there without my life preserver! > "Come on, Blanka," said Rayden. "You have to get on." WAND : But you've gotta gotta get up to get on. > "Hold on," said Guile. Blanka hates jets. It's a long > story...." Z-BOT: Which we're about to hear in all it's excruciatingly boring, long winded, contrived glory when we really need to be doing something else.. ALL: Yay. > Guile and Rayden then went into a nearby cave..... TBS: Hey! What they do in the privacy of their own cave is their own business, just don't tell me about it! WAND: Don't sweat it. It's just several species of small pixelated fighters gathered together in a cave and grooving with a Pict. > "Many years ago, there was a little kid named James [ALL look at MMK.] MMK: WHAT? > Nash. ALL: Oh. > When he was about seven, his plane crashed around Brazil. His > mother was thought to be dead, and he was raised by an adopted > family in the jungles. TIFF: They were anteaters. > There he learned how to become an acrobatic fighter. EMMY: Damn strange anteaters, if you ask me. > This continued until he was discovered by the U.S. Army. MMK: Who said, "We can use his no-selling skills to win the Gulf War!" > Adopted by the Army again, EMMY: How in the great woolly fuck was he adopted by the U.S. Army? WAND: It worked out for Sherry Birkin. > they couldn't understand Brazillian, TIFF: They mean Portugese, right? MMK: 'Brazillian,' it says here. TIFF: That's what they use to extract information, right? MMK: Those are thumbscrews, Tiff. WAND: I have a headache and I'm sleepy. EMMY: ...and the bar only has Black Velvet. WAND: That too. > so they named him Charlie Nash. TBS: So Blanka is Charlie is Guile is... [pause] ...is Rose is Pullum is Rouge is Morrigan is... [pause] ...is Marrion is Katt is Arthur is... um... [pause] is... um... great. Now *I* need alcohol. TIFF: The *hell* you do! > Charlie pursued Bison with a vengence, for he was the one that > caused his plane to crash years ago. Z-BOT: Oh, *he* was the one in the control tower! MMK: Hey, I don't blame him. The job would be boring if you didn't steer some random flights crashing in the jungle. WAND: Remind me not to let you book my next flight. > Throughout the Alpha tournments, he chased Bison. He was almost > killed twice, once saved by a bulletproof vest, the other time because > he used his jungle skills to manipulate trees as he was falling. TBS: Kinda amazing considering it was a wasteland after all. MMK: I wonder if manipulating trees is easier than manipulating one's light body? [TIFF punts MMK.] > Then, he chased after Apocalyse during the Mutant Invasion. WAND: That Blanka, always chasing after something elusive... something just out of his reach... > He was captured by Bison during that time in an ambush, and was > taken hostage. I tried to save him, but I was easily defeated by > Magneto. Z-BOT : Uh...guys? The planes are coming closer... TIFF : Shut up. I'm explaining to Rayden why you don't like planes. > In the second Street Fighter tournament, we discovered him on > a Shadowloo raid, but he had transformed into this beast by > Bison's horrible experiments. TBS : So THAT'S what endless repeats of Dinosaucers does to people! Sweet! MMK : ... (I am damn unsatisfied to be a guinea pig.) > Charlie then renamed himself to Charlie Blanka, then let Bison > have it with everything he had. MMK: Ew. > Charlie defeated Bison, then went to Brazil. EMMY : Pretty logical, don't you think? > There, he met with his mother one last time. She was on her > deathbed, and her gift was that she would let Charlie be human > for one month. ALL: ... WAND: HOW THE FUCK WAS SHE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT? Oooow. EMMY: You have no one but yourself to blame. MMK: "Hey! Let's just take all these versus game storylines, throw them into a blender, throw that blender against the wall and see what sticks!" > The potion worked, WAND: Oh, a potion. Of course. Why didn't I think of that? EMMY: Because you have more than one firing neuron. Just a guess. > and just in time. Apocalypse and Cyber-Akuma attacked soon after. TBS: Okay, now he's just making this shit up. MMK : Not soon after that, Dr. Erode captured the Power Stone heroes in his flying castle. Meanwhile, Alucard and Valpiro fought the Queen Pirates with the help of Arthur, who was on his way to rescue Gueneviere from Lucifer. WAND : Was that before or after Kart, Limi, Romi and those two World War II pilots fought the terrible Ark-Fortress Jedah-Ayako? MMK : During. WAND : ... > Charlie diverted many forces along with me, allowing Ryu and Cyclops > to take out Apocalypse and Ken and Spider-Man to crush the Cyber-Akuma. MMK : Then Spider-Man teamed up with the Noid to save New York from Mr. Green while Ryu and Cyclops helped a portly angel spread joy and goodwill. Ken, however, was soundly defeated by Flower Man and was held hostage in Disneyland's Haunted House until he was rescued by Nina and Garr. WAND : ...how do you keep track of all this? MMK : Simple! I just forget useless information like who my wife and children are, how to use the restroom and my own last name. > Charlie and I then returned to the United States to resume a > normal life. TIFF: They bought a sheep ranch in Utah and moved in together. Z-BOT : Not only did Bison cheat on you, but he inadvertently drove men into deviant lifestyles. > Charlie did become a beast again, but his heroic actions made him > a hero." TBS: They made him into a sandwich? ALL: ... > "Very depressing," said Rayden. WAND : What, the story? EMMY : No. I don't give a *fuck* about your story. > "I'll take care of it, it's for his own good." > > "If he goes with anyone, we'll take Sonya's jet by ourselves," said > Guile. TBS : It has an air conditioner. ALL: WOO-HOO! TBS : But it's broken. ALL: D'OH! TBS : But it has a cool CD Player... ALL: WOO-HOO! TBS : ...with an Indigo Girls disc stuck in it. ALL: D'OH! > "OK," said Rayden, as he thunderbolted out of the area > quickly." EMMY : I'M OFF! BANG! ZOOM! > Guile then consoled Blanka after arriving out of the cave. WAND : So who am I today? EMMY : Tron Bonne, I think. WAND : Again? > "I know it's painful after the accounts with Bison and his crashing > of your mother's plane..." said Guile. Blanka wept in tears. TIFF: But think...she'll never eat that horrible airline food ever again... > "Guile, please don't remind me..." MMK : You left the stove on, didn't you? TBS : Yes. MMK : The innocent sheep! Nooooooooo! TBS : After living with us, they weren't all that-- [TIFF throws TBS into the air, then halves him. EMMY, Z-BOT, WAND, and MMK hold up signs reading 9.5, 9.7, 10.0, and 8.9 respectively.] > "But your life is in danger," said Guile. "These are not > Bison's minions, Shinnok's forces are high-powered, and > their weapons will kill you in a flash..." EMMY: As weapons are known to do. TBS : So they're even more dangerous than Bison's goons? TIFF : Well, when you put it like that... > "But, what if we crash?" asked Blanka. "Don't want to do that one > again." TBS : My origin is approaching Hawkman levels of complexity! > "I'll fly, you can go with me." said Guile. "Who's a better pilot? MMK: KEN-YON! > Then, you can slam the enemies out of the air, and especially > Bison's. Deal?" EMMY : No offense, but I don't have time to play Monty Hall with you guys. > Blanka nodded, "It's only fair that Bison gets the same > treatment I got. WAND : *He* needs to be raised by jungle creatures, taught capoiera, turned into a strange green thing, and have his dying mother give him a magic potion! > Let's go, Guile," said Blanka. > > "We'll fly Sonya's old jet," said Guile. TIFF: Why do I think it's going to be an old MIG? > Guile and Blanka jumped in. "GET OUT OF HERE," yelled > Scorpion as he was boarding his jet.. ALL: ... Z-BOT: What a stupid thing to say. TBS : But it is my only line! [cries] > "SHINNOK FORCES AT ONE-O-CLOCK!" MMK: REFRESHMENTS AT THREE-O-CLOCK WITH RESERVATION! > Liu Kang responded, "We're leaving now." TIFF : And we're taking the children! > The jets took off, and flew into the waters surrounding > Shaolin Island. > > A major dogfight was about to commence... TBS: My money's on the Rottweiler's Weight in Chihuahuas. WAND : I'm putting two hundred fifty million pesos and a six-pack of Corona on the BIG DAWG!! EMMY: But you already drank all the Corona. WAND: ...I don't drink *beer*. EMMY: Then who did? Z-BOT: *hic* EMMY: Oh, for fuck's sake! > CHAPTER 15: JAMES/CHRIS vs. AKUMA/WOLVERINE MMK : Oh, goody. TIFF: Boy, I wonder how it'll turn out. > THE TEMPLE OF FISTS, JAPAN WAND : With musical guest Adolf Hitler! MMK : Give up the funk. TBS : Oh, this is *so* wrong. > James, Chris, Akuma, and Wolverine arrived at the Temple of > Fists. TIFF: Please enjoy your stay. TBS : Exits are... there, there and there. > "Welcome. MMK : ...to Fantasy Island! TBS , EMMY : Aaaggghhhh! > I hate fighting kids, it's pathetic," said Akuma. Z-BOT: It's also illegal. > "But it's Shinnok's policy, I have no choice this time. WAND: Because *everyone* knows that Akuma's a *slave* to policy! > Good luck, you'll need it. > > SHOOZU!" MMK : Top HATTU! TBS : I don't worry 'cause my wallet's FATTU! MMK : Black SHADEZU! TBS : White GLOVEZU! MMK : Looking sharp! Looking for SHINKUU LOVE LOVE! TBS They c... hee hee hee hee! [TBS and MMK break into giggling.] TBS : They come running just--hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! [TIFF's right eye gives a slight twitch.] EMMY: "Shoto Dressed Man," up six places on the charts this week to #4. WAND: We'll be back with the top three as soon as I'm done enjoying the phrase "Shinkuu Love Love." Heh heh. > James and Akuma started things off, while Chris and Wolverine jumped > back. Akuma tried to test the young warrior early, trying to sweep > out James at his legs. TBS: Wait! Where's the ref? MMK: ...there *is* no ref! TIFF : I miss the ref. > James jumped back, EMMY: Jump back! Kiss myself! Hooah! > "AKAI HADOKEN!" > > Akuma was pushed back by the Red Fireball. WAND : No! Fanboy Japanese! My one weakness! > "Good, young one," said Akuma, "but can you handle this?" TBS : Handle what? *WHAM* Ow! Hey! > Akuma super-jumped into the air, then directed his foot right > into James's temple about seven times. TIFF: It then went straight *through* his temple, landing a few kicks directly into his brain. EMMY: I'd say that was dark, but sadly that wouldn't even hurt the self-insert. TIFF: It won't kill him? EMMY: Nope. TIFF: Then forget it. > James staggered back, then saw WAND: Little tiny stars. > Akuma throw a > > "GA-DO-KEN." MMK : YA-HOOIE! TBS : OOSHA! EMMY: ...never do that again. > James jumped the slow-moving fireball, then delivered a hard flying > kick to Akuma's head. ALL: BOOT TO DA HEAD! MMK, TBS: Nah-nah! > James jumped again, but the aging Shotokan master also matched > James's jump, TIFF: And, of course, raised a nickel. > "ZANZU GA-DO-KEN!" TBS : OYAJIIIII! EMMY: Dammit, Snot! > James was slammed by the air fireball. > > "No match," said Akuma. WAND : Damn. Now setting you on fire's gonna take all DAY. [MMK grins. He stands in front of the others and a table appears before him. A small aerosol can is on the table.] MMK : No matches? Try James' Akai Hadoken Brand Flamethrowers (patent pending)! [MMK holds up the aerosol can. The others mumble 'OOH!'s and AHH!'s.] MMK : With the James' Akai Hadoken Brand Flamethrowers (patent pending), setting people on fire is a snap! [MMK presses the top of the aerosol and a burst of fire envelops TBS. TBS, burnt and crispy, coughs up a smoke ring.] MMK : Ehehe... available now for only $199.99. [MMK flashes a grin. The table and other props disappear and MMK sits down.] TIFF: ...I gotta learn how he does that. > James tried a double-kick, but Akuma Ashura-warped out of the way. > Akuma then tried another > > "GA-DO-KEN," > > but James jumped it, MMK: Flying straight into a KORYUKEN! Down he goes! OOSHA! EMMY: Now CUT THAT SHIT OUT! > "USHIRO AKAI HADOKEN!" TBS: Hey! Ushiro! I loved that crazy wolf. WAND : Ushiro and Kinnison work very well as a team. That's 400 potch. > James hit Akuma hard again with a fireball. Akuma jumped > back, and performed one of his Super Moves: > > "MESSATU SHINKU GA-DO-KEN!" > > James was prepared for the purple fireball beam, and > blocked it easily. TBS : Ow, stingy, hot, ow--! MMK : Note to self: don't block flame with arms. > Akuma then exposed the symbol, EMMY: Yeah. The symbol. The FUCKING SYMBOL. YEAH! IT'S A FUCKING "SYMBOL"! WAND: Okay, yeah, I'm not happy eithe-- EMMY: Thousands and THOUSANDS of years of THE ENTIRE FUCKING JAPANESE LANGUAGE-- TIFF: Hey, easy-- EMMY: And THAT RIGHT THERE is a GODDAMN *SYMBOL*, IS WHAT *THAT* IS! *YEAH*! What a *MASTERPIECE OF FICTION* WE'RE WITNESSING RIGHT-- [MMK pulls a syringe of something out of his coat sleeve and hands it to WAND, who injects it into the base of EMMY's neck. EMMY slumps over, unconscious.] WAND: I don't know where you got that, and I don't know why you *had* that, but I'm glad you had it right now. MMK: I knew I was carrying it around for a reason. [EMMY slowly comes to.] EMMY: ...whuzz? TIFF: Better? EMMY : Next time at least *tell* me when you're going to do that, huh? WAND: There's no joy in that. > and Wolverine jumped in. After hitting James with a flying kick, > Wolverine exposed his famous Adamantanium claws. TBS: And they'll be signing autographs from two 'til five today at the Mall of Fists! So come on down! > James tried to throw Wolverine back, but James got sliced > up by a > > "TORNADO CLAW!" WAND: How do *you* slice your James? Here's the Naked Chef, to show you how. > "Tag out, James. I'm a little faster and can keep up with > Wolverine," said Chris. Z-BOT: Hoo boy... > James then placed a chop over his shoulder. TIFF: And Wolverine ate it like a good boy. > Wolverine thought James was bluffing and came charging in. Chris > came flying in with a flying hockey stick slash. Wolverine was > thrown for a loop. WAND: Okay, so this kid's this SEEEEERIOUS MARTIAL ARTIST with INCREDIBLE CHI POWURZ and he uses... a hockey stick. MMK: What, you've never tried it? WAND: I... did it work? MMK: Worked better than the handball. WAND: I'm not going to ask. TBS: I guess he studies Gretzkido. [TIFF slaps him upside the head.] TBS : I deserved that! > "I can't believe an 8-YEAR OLD DID did this to me. EMMY: How did he know Chris was eight? Does he have mutant healing, retractable claws and *psychic powers* now? TBS: Maybe when he isn't busy with the X-Men he works shifts as the "Guess Your Age" guy at the carnival! EMMY: That's kinda farfetched. TBS: But it'd explain it all! > BERSERKER BARRAGE!" > > yelled Wolverine. Chris then fired a > > "HOCKEY PUCK" > > 120 MPH at Wolverine's head. TIFF: Wait. The eight-year-old kid shoots at 120 FRIGGIN' MILES AN HOUR? TBS: There's only one explanation for this. MMK: He's on horse steroids? TBS: He's a cyborg. MMK: A cyborg on horse steroids? TBS: Possibly. EMMY: But then the steroids wouldn't even-- TBS: Shhhh! Great minds are working here. EMMY: But-- TBS: Shhh! > Wolverine couldn't dodge it charging, and was stunned by the shot. Z-BOT: As a vulcanized rubber hockey puck to the head is wont-- TIFF: Oh, shut up. > Chris followed it up with an uppercut, 1-2 punch, > medium-power kick, strong kick, WAND: Weak punch, medium kick, spinning backfist-- EMMY: --wheel kick, short jab, left hook-- TIFF: --right cross, low kick, rabbit punch, axe kick-- MMK: --eye poke, kneelift, back elbow smash, superkick-- Z-BOT: --inverted atomic drop, clothesline, sharpshooter-- TBS: --nut punch, steel chair, piledriver, People's Elbow-- > then a spinning back fist in the air. [TBS and MMK hold up a sign reading "27 HITS: Ludicrous Combo."] TIFF: ...uh huh. WAND: Fitting. > Wolverine fell down hard, but wasn't nearly out. MMK: So he was pretty much fine. Z-BOT : Heh. You *bite*, kid. > Wolverine caught Chris jumping in with a > > "TORNADO CLAW," > > then was a recepient of a > > "DRILL CLAW!" EMMY: *Wolverine* was? TBS: ...maybe it backfired, or something. EMMY: You're reaching. TBS: Fortunately, I'm stretchy. EMMY: Never talk to me again. > Chris staggered, but kept his ground. Chris then > performed his > > "INVINCIBLITY" [A general jolt.] TIFF: *WHAT*? WAND: Get the ref in here! That's so illegal it isn't funny! > move as soon as Akuma was tagging in. Akuma hit Chris, > and was totally stunned for a second. EMMY: Because that was when Chris started shakin' and puffin'! MMK: Elbow! TBS: ELBOW! EMMY, MMK, TBS: ROLLING ELBOOOOOOW~! TIFF: Oh, shut up. TBS: COUNTO TWO! TIFF: What did I *just say*? > "RUSHING ATTACK!" > > screamed Chris as he came flying in with his hockey stick. He > charged three times within a second, hitting Akuma ten times on > each charge. Z-BOT: You folks at home can do the math... > Akuma flew back and fell flat on his back. "That hurt, SHOOZU!" [WAND's entire head twitches.] WAND : That hurt right *there*. MMK: But did it hurt, SHOOZU? [WAND's entire head twitches again.] MMK: Hee hee! WAND: Ow. > Chris then tried to out-speed the master of Shotokan, > but paid for it. EMMY: ...when he was the one caught for overspeeding. WAND : Guess someone's going to be paying for my lunch today, huh, kid? MMK : You bought this license at Wal-Mart, didn't you? TBS : And while I'm asking, how do you see over the wheel? > "MESSATU GO-SHO-RYU-REPPA!" > > Akuma slammed into Chris's mid-section about 15 times > with an advancing Sho-Ryu-Ken; WAND: One punch hit fifteen times? EMMY: I detect the hand of Tsui Hark in this. > amazingly, Chris didn't fall. TIFF : Yeah, wow, whoopie. Didn't see *that* coming. MMK, TBS : No sell! No sell! No sell! > "We're in for a tough time," said Wolverine. "These kids > aren't going down." Z-BOT: We need bigger guns. > Chris lifted his stick up high, signaling James to come kicking > in. Akuma then tried some quick moves on James, but threw a > > "ZANZU-GA-DO-KEN" > > too far away. TBS: Ignoring the fact that Gadokens only go about, oh... [TBS holds his arm out a couple feet in front of him.] TBS: ...this far. EMMY: Will you be quiet? TBS: It's noteworthy! > James quickly threw a spear similar to Scorpion's. TIFF : I smell copyright infringement... > He hit Akuma as he was falling. > > "HEY AKUMA," James quoted Scorpion, "GET OVER HERE!" TBS : I am sorely insulted. MMK : Stupid bitches. Always steppin' on other people's lines. TBS : We should kick their butts. MMK : Yes. We sh... I'm going home to drink. > After pulling Akuma over, EMMY : Hey, buddy, have I got a deal for you! Listen, the new models came in yesterday and we have to clear out the showroom... > James uppercutted the aging Shotokan master. Akuma fell hard on the > other side of the room. Akuma then jumped up, > > "TENMA-GOU-ZANKU GA-DO-KEN!" TBS : SHIPPU-GAN-TONKA-MARIA-ANGELINA-CONTESSA-*KOOOOOORYUKEN*! > Akuma started his GA-DO-KEN rain on James, but the > 18-year old easily deflected all of Akuma's attacks. TIFF: Yeah, of *course* he did. > James then made a mistake jumping in on Akuma. > > "GO-SHO-RYU-KEN!" ALL : Go, Shoryuken, go, Shoryuken, go, Shoryuken, goooo! > Akuma slammed James hard with the evil Dragon Punch. MMK : In-DEEEEEEED. > James recovered, further frustrating Akuma. WAND : That fucking does it. Get me my rocket launcher. > Akuma then realized he only had one option: EMMY : Hmm. Better stop using Dan's moves. > He summoned all of his ki, and started to advance towards > James...... MMK: Hieeen... HOUOU KYAKU! > James quickly recognized the move as the TIFF: ...Charleston. Things got wacky shortly thereafter. > RAGING DEMON. MMK : AAAAAAH! GODZILLAAAAAAAAAA! > James then performed his own version of the move, but > using good energy instead of evil. WAND: That makes logical sense. I mean, they cancel each other out, right? [A pause.] WAND: RIGHT? TBS: My little grotty brain hurts... EMMY: So what's this attack of James', then? The Instant Heaven Resurrection? TIFF: *Great attack*, fuckbucket! Go for it! > James summoned all of his ki energy as well, and advanced > towards Akuma TBS : YOU WANT A PIECE OF THE KING?! > "PURIFYING ANGEL...." Z-BOT: Pardon me. I have to snicker. TIFF: Allow me to join you. > A brilliant white flash suddenly filled the entire area. WAND: Well, scratch one more Slipheed boss. > Chris and Wolverine were totally blinded. MMK : Yeah, dude! Totally! TBS : They were *so* blindificated! MMK : Yeah, they were! > After what seemed like 30 seconds of entire whiteout, > it seemed that James and Akuma had repelled each other, [MMK and TBS look at each other, make faces, and move away one seat from each other.] MMK : Ewww... he's nekkid! TBS : Gross! The old guy's got cooties! > but Akuma got the worse tiring because of his old age. Akuma > had to get out. ALL : You gotta get up, get out, go away...! > He exposed the symbol on his back, and TIFF: ...nothing happened since Wolverine decided to save his own ass and ran up the nearest tree. EMMY: "Symbol." WAND: We've been through this. MMK : Prepare the magic fluid! EMMY: *Whoa* there! > Wolverine came out. James then placed a chop on his > shoulder, and Chris came slashing in. TBS : I eat tonight! > Wolverine then tried an aerial attack, but Chris caught him > with a > > "SHO-RYU-SLASH." > > Wolverine staggered, then recovered. Wolverine then tried > slicing at Chris with his claws, but Chris was too > quick. To make matters worse for Wolverine, Z-BOT: *WORSE*? > Chris used his > > SPEED-UP > > technique. WAND : Mm-hm-hm, that's some good meth! > He was now moving at twice his normal speed, > which was too fast even for Wolverine to deal with. TIFF: Hell, my *brain's* having a hard time dealing with that. > After taking a hard hit from above, Wolverine tried his > > WEAPON X; > > however, MMK: ...it only lasted for four issues before it was named WOLVERINE again. > Chris was just too fast to hit. EMMY : You know, this is actually *worse* than when I jobbed to the Wasp? > Wolverine crashed into the wall, and Chris took advantage. WAND: This week... on "Ally McBeal"... TIFF : Let me get this straight... you're suing this kid... MMK : Eight year old boy... Answers to the name of Chris... TIFF : ...right. This Chris... for sexual assault? [MMK tries to stiffle back sobs, but fails. He starts wailing like a baby.] MMK : I had just... just c-crashed into a w-wall... and h-he buggered... *BUGGERED* me with his--his... [Starts to wail again.] [TBS hands MMK a tissue. MMK blows his nose on it noisily before handing the fluid-soaked paper back to TBS. TBS tosses it into a nearby trash can.] TIFF : ...I don't think I want to know. > "MULTIPLE HOCKEY PUCK!" > > Wolverine was slammed by about fifty pucks moving at about 150 MPH. > Even the healing powers of Wolverine couldn't stand up to this attack > at a full force hit. EMMY: Well, yes, dumbass, his healing powers aren't *instant*. MMK: Instant healing powers! Just add water! TBS: Where's the ref? WHERE THE FUCKING HELL IS THE REF? > Wolverine fell like a ton of bricks. Akuma then came in, > only to see Chris hold his stick high, WAND: ...hitting Akuma in the family jewels as he came down. Z-BOT : Oh, bugger! > for James to come in. > > Akuma tried to set the pace. > > "GA-DO-KEN." > > "GO-SHO-RYU-KEN." > > "GO-TATSU-MAKI-SEN-PU-KYAKU." > > "ZANZU-GA-DO-KEN." > > "ZANZU-GO-TATSU-MAKI-ZEN-PU-KYAKU." MMK: LARIATOOOOOOOO. EMMY: KARESHI-KANOJO-MOKUJIN-TETSU-MARLO-KEN. TBS: MOCHI-SUBARU-CHICKEN-KATSU-MAHI-MAHI-TATSU-SHINKUU-BOOT-TO-DA-HEAD. Z-BOT: LUMPY GRAVY SANYO! TIFF: OKAASAN KONYAKKU SPINE PUNCH! WAND: GLEAMING YELLOW PANTY FLASH HEAVY BOOOOOT TO DA HEAD! > James skillfully headed off all of Akuma's Super Moves. TIFF: Gee, you...don't say... > Akuma then tried a wicked chop WAND: Ha ha! It's a pun! GET IT? > but James caught him and threw him over his shoulder. TBS : Can you tie him in a knot? MMK : Can you tie him in a bow? TBS : Can you sling Akuma over your shoulder like a continental soldier? > James then gathered all of his ki and anger.... TIFF: ...and mailed them in with two dollars for a neat baseball cap. > "This is for my master, you demon! Z-BOT : It's a bouquet of flowers! What am I doing giving it to you? > SHINKU..." > > Akuma started to advance menacingly again... WAND: If he gets too close, he'll use Everyone's Grudge. That *sucks*. > "AKAI...." > > Akuma got closer.... TBS : WAIT FOR IT! MMK : Oh... sorry. I understand. Policy, and all that. > "HADOKEN!" > > A red fireball beam of tremendous power flew out of James's hands, Z-BOT: Just like it has about a thousand times so far! What's with the sudden *drama*? > so powerful, not even Akuma's warp could stop it. TIFF: Ignoring the fact that, oh, AKUMA CAN'T ACTUALLY *BE HIT* WHEN HE'S *WARPING*! EMMY: You know what she needs right now? WAND: What? EMMY: Booze. WAND: I hear that. TIFF: EXCUSE ME? > Akuma was slammed by the tremendous force. It was the same beam that > knocked the ninjas unconscious at Master Sema's school. EMMY: The same beam? Wha--why... [WAND and MMK look at each other and nod.] WAND, MMK : Low budget special effects. > Akuma was totally winded, and for the only time in > Akuma's 60-year life, he could not continue on his own. MMK: Akuma *is* Eponine! TIFF: That's actually a pretty amusing image. TBS: Damn *disturbing* image. > "You are great, > > SHOOZU!" > > said Akuma. Z-BOT: You know, we can just throw that one on the "Failed Catchphrases" pile right now. > "I respect you, warrior. WAND : Any other fighter wouldn't even *try* to gratify themselves that gratuitously during a battle. > For that, I have no reason to kill you, and that your master > is still alive...." [EMMY's eyes cross.] EMMY: Gah. Can someone help me read that over again? > "WHAT?" said James surprisingly. "How?" MMK : Obligatory Surprise-the-Audience-but-Don't-Give-Them-a- Chance-to-Think-or-They-would-See-through-It Plot Twist, duh! TBS : Didn't you see the large Plot Hole behind you? > "When I killed your master, he knew the consequences of > the match, Akuma only sneak-attacked once, when I killed Gouken; > however, WAND : It appears that as punishment I've obtained the Curse of Switching Rapidly Between First and Third Person. That makes Akuma sad. > when one defeats me, their soul is once-again released...." > > "That means, OH NO!" screamed Chris. "Chances are TIFF : ...that I wear this silly grin, the moment that you come into view... > now that Shinnok has it." MMK : I hope he doesn't have any evil plans for it! > "You don't have much time," said Wolverine. "Shinnok's already > started the invasion." TBS: Which was, undoubtedly, an invasion of fun and merriment, intended to bring candy and flowers to all! MMK : That's 'cause I don't have any evil plans! > "Oh, darn it!" yelled James. EMMY: Yes, exactly what I'd say when someone's invading my world. > "Time's really of the essence now." > > "James, your heart is always filled with the power of good, and you > balance it well with evil, making you at peace with yourself; WAND: Oh, come on. That could apply to anyone. > the strongest of this type yet seen," MMK: At least, until some other shotoclone with a blown ego comes along. > said Akuma. "You are probably the only one who can defeat Shinnok." TIFF : Except for his wife, and a few of her friends...oh yes, and Major Johnson. Come to think of it, there's a great many people who can defeat Shinnok. But that's beside the point. > James looked at Akuma, "You and Ryu easily overpower me." MMK : Are you being modest with me? Don't you *ever* be modest with me! TBS : Sorry, but I... MMK : What's this? You're *apologizin'* now? What kind of warrior *are* you? TBS : I'm sorry! MMK : You're sorry. What? TBS : I'm sorry! MMK : Lookatcha. Lookatcha! Yer pathetic. > "Not anymore, James," said Akuma. "You have come to age now. EMMY : Just how hard did I *hit* you? WAND : And the wheels and the planes fly oh so *high* and-- > You must go on and finish the tournament. If Shinnok is > defeated, you can end his scheme forever. MMK : You... you mean... TBS : Yes, there will never be another Mortal Kombat movie sequel. MMK : Let me at 'im! Where's that Shinnok?! > By his word and the scroll, he'll be forced to fight the match." > > "Yes," said Chris. WAND : That made... *lots* of sense. > "OK, we have to go," said James. "We have a world to save, and you > and Wolvie have a match to fight." Wolverine prepared his claws. EMMY: Tell me again why they're fighting. TBS: Gimme a second. [TBS confers with MMK.] Z-BOT: I don't think you should be allowed to do that. TBS: They're fighting because... uh... well, they've both been pretty much made worthless just now... EMMY: True enough. TBS: And so the winner of a fight between them would get to salvage a bit of dignity, and so there's only one great big loser instead of two! *Yes*! TIFF: I'll be. EMMY: I really didn't think he was going to pull that off. > He and Akuma had a long history of fighting each other. WAND: Who wrote the history? > "OK, > > SHOOZU! > > Portal's open." MMK: Yeah, SHOOZU! I think we can write that one off. TBS: See, that's what I'm talkin' 'bout. > Akuma opened the portal. James and Chris warped into a portal > that took them into Shinnok's stadium underneath the Reception Room. Z-BOT: Specifically, in the dressing room. EMMY : EEEEEEEEEK! > CHAPTER 16: DOGFIGHT OVER THE EASTERN SHAOLIN SEA WAND : Pound Puppies... CHAAAARGE! EMMY : OOH! How I *hate* those Pound Puppies! MMK : But she *doesn't* have any evil plans! Neither do *I*! > EASTERN PART OF SHAOLIN ISLAND AND EASTERN SEA TIFF: Which is...east? TBS: No, south. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? > While James and Chris were fighting Akuma and Wolverine, The Defenders > of the Realm along with Chun Li, Sakura, Guile, and Blanka kept their > eyes for Shinnok's invaders. EMMY: To be given out as party favors at the next gala bash. > It was rather peaceful right now. TBS: Yeah... peaceful. LIKE A FOX! > "Keep your eyes peeled," said Liu Kang. "They may show up out of > anywhere....." TBS: Yeah... anywhere. LIKE A FOX! > "Yes," said Sakura, who was flying with Scorpion. "But they're kind of > slow...." TBS: Yeah... slow. LIKE A FOX! WAND: Cut that shit out, Snot. > A mass group of fighter jets started to approach the Dragon Jets.... EMMY : When you're a Dragon Jet, you're a Dragon Jet all the way... > "Here they come," said Rayden over the PR system that the jets had. [General humming of the "Return of the Jedi" fight scene.] MMK: There's...TOO MANY OF THEM! > "Let's show them our stuff!" TBS: Are you SURE this isn't gay porn? WAND: [sighs] No... yes... pass. Kevin? EMMY: I certainly hope not. > Some fighter planes started to dog Liu Kang and Kitana. Liu Kang > flew the plane down, then performed a circle turn. The planes tried > to do the move, but Liu Kang flew the plane around and blasted them > with two flame missiles. TBS: Jeez, even in planes the guys are doing unrealistic crap. TIFF: If "1943" met "Asteroids," I think it'd go a little something like this... > The ships crashed down in a hurry. Johnny Cage then showed off some > spectacular aerial moves. He shot down a few dozen Shinnok planes while > just dodging major fire. MMK: However, he got pelted with private fire, major water and corporal lightning. > "Man, that's dangerous," said Chun Li. > "I'm a show-off, a movie-star," said Cage. TIFF I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother... > "Oh, shut up," said Chun Li.. "Don't get us killed!" > Scorpion flew his jet around the invaders', then EMMY: ...realized that he'd never flown a plane in his entire life. MMK : Sakura, be a dear little schoolgirl and pass me the flight manual in the back of the seat... > let them have it with heat-seeking missiles. The enemy planes tried > to dodge, but they were destroyed. TBS : Okay. Memo to me: turn off major fire when being chased with heat-seeking missiles. Got it. > "They're going down like flies," said Liu Kang. WAND : Dibs on tearing their wings off! > "LOOK OUT, JOHNNY!" screamed Guile. TIFF: But Guile's cry was unheard. Johnny Cage was struck down and was comatose for four and a half years, taking a trip into... ALL: The Dead Zone. > An enemy plane tried to shoot Cage down from behind, but Rayden > bolted them down. WAND : Soooo hungry... must eat... plane. Munch, chew, gnash. > "Thank goodness the thunder god is on our side," said Chun Li. TBS: Hey! I will not have Thor maligned! > "The good-ol-days," said Guile, EMMY: ...having a 'Nam flashback... WAND: ...through rose-colored glasses... TIFF : Ah, yes. I might die at any second. I cherish this. > as he flew the plane through the middle of enemy fire. Z-BOT: *BOOM!* TBS : Hmm. I seem to have made a big fuckin' oopsie. > Blanka, controlling the gun turret, MMK: He's in a Rattler! Way cool! > slammed the approaching aircraft and watched them as they fell like > flies into the sea. ALL : Help meeeeeeeee! > "They're as pathetic as Shao Kahn's," said Liu Kang. TBS: Yes, but he didn't have an air-- TIFF: Keep the author in his own little world, Snot. > Time went on, and the Defenders of the Realm, along with the Street > Fighters, slammed several of the invaders. Suddenly, Liu Kang caught > Sub-Zero, Ryu, Ken, and Sean on the radar: MMK : WHEEEEE! I can fly! I can fly! TBS : I'm a graceful little butterfly floating along the plains! WHEEEE! EMMY : Dammit, I told them not to eat the brownies! > "We're going down, guys," said Liu. "We've got to save our buddies. > We've destroyed their air force." > > Liu Kang flew his plane down, and the others followed suit. Ryu, > Sub-Zero, Ken, and Sean joined the rest of the people. WAND : Stuff happened. [pause] Jeez... I dunno... make something up. I was up all night watching the Xena-thon. > "Good to see you again Ryu," said Sakura. > "You too," replied Ryu as they kissed each other. ALL: Ewwww!! > "You're all right also, Ken and Sean," said Chun Li. "You may be > arrogant and rash, but we certainly care about you." Z-BOT : Aw, that's so...HEY! > "Thanks," said Ken. "But there's more coming where that came from." TIFF : The rash, I mean. > "Plus, Bison's still alive," said Sean. > "They'll attack from the ground next," said Rayden bolting in. > "Shinnok will hold his air forces seeing the losses he has been > suffering. MMK : My precious little Air Forcie-Worcie! I won't let those bad Defenders of the Realm hurt you, Air Forcie-Poo! > "This is our chance to team up in all different combinations WAND, MMK, TBS : Lemon setup! TIFF: Why you-- > and to let these creeps have it." > "I just hope James and Chris can keep Shinnok busy," said Ryu. WAND : Hey, Shinnok. Want to go out for ice cream? EMMY : SURE! > "Who are James and Chris?" asked Chun Li. ALL: Don't ask... > "Two boys who have came a long way in search what has happened > to their master. MMK : Looks like another one of those "Incredible Journeys." > They possess tremendous powers, at the same levels > as the people here," said Rayden. TBS: Remember, boys and girls: sell your soul to Satan, and ANYTHING is possible. > "They have been secretly tracking Shinnok by watching some of your > matches, and jumped in the fight with the last available scroll." WAND : So, they just entered the tournament and immediately fought the main bosses while we had to beat the crap out of each other, get so tired that we can't fight anymore and generally act like bit players in a badly written fanfic? EMMY : Well, yeah... [A pause.] MMK : Give him a while. He'll get it eventually. [A pause.] EMMY : Those two goddamn bastard kids! WAND : Riiiight... > "I fear for their safety," said Ken. TIFF : They are surrounded by hypocrites... liars, punks, sycophants, and the desperate... > "There's no way an 18-year old > and an 8-year old should be fighting our battle." > "I wouldn't worry about them too much," said Rayden. Z-BOT : Hey, *you* don't have a damn reputation to protect! > "James is older than you when you started fighting, and the younger > one possesses unnatural speed. > I think they'll pull through." ALL : Hooray for that. > "Let's just kick some Netherealm butt and get out of here > quickly," said Kitana. MMK : There's a sale at Tiffany's at ten... > CHAPTER 17: RUMBLE WITH THE 3 NINJAS IN THE STADIUM WAND: Now, they *say* it's the Stadium, but it's actually Vancouver. See the mountains? > SHAOLIN STADIUM: MMK: I hear you can load your old Shaolins from Shaolin Blue and Shaolin Red into Shaolin Stadium. TIFF: Bah. They'll disable that in Shaolin Stadium 2 to make you buy Shaolin Yellow. Just you watch. > UNDERGROUND: SHAOLIN ISLAND Z-BOT : Under Shaolin Island is a vast network of sewer lines and buried alien spaceships... > "James and Chris?" said an astonished Shinnok. "I can't believe you > defeated Akuma and Wolverine! ALL: You're not the only one, buddy. > Well, your journey ends here." EMMY: Hahahaha! You foolish munchkins. But your life ends here! > "Yeah, right," said Chris. "Our journey ends when we have your head." > "You're pathetic, Chris," replied Shinnok. "I can't believe KIDS are > in the finals of this tournament....." WAND: Look, stop FUCKING RUBBING IT IN, OKAY?!? MMK : And I can't believe that I don't have any evil plans. Really, I don't. > "We're still here, Shinnok," said James. "And kids are people, who can > stand up for what they believe in." TIFF: Until you throw them cookies or something. TBS: You can relate? TIFF: Yes. Cookies are good. > "Enough of this nonsense," said Shinnok. "Rocky, Colt, Tum Tum, > annihilate them!" [General blink.] WAND: TUM TUM? [ALL engage in hysterical laughter.] EMMY: He must be schooled in the Indigestion form of Ninjitsu. [ALL engage in more hysterical laughter, then just sigh sadly.] MMK: Jesus fruggin' Flutie, I am damn unsatisfied to be watching this. > Suddenly, the three ninjas from the karate school came barging out. TIFF: Wait! If they're from karate school, they can't be ninjas! They should come from a ninjitsu school to be ninjas. They'd be karatedos if they come from karate schoo--oh my, I got my eyes crossed. TBS: Didn't we warn you about logic? Now look at you! > James and Chris remembered them well. They were in fact the > Three Ninjas, a legendary group of youth ninjas. WAND: This has gone evil. EMMY: This has gone *really* evil. > They had once fought for good, MMK: I parsed that as "they fought for food." Z-BOT: Well, they probably do now. > but why they were working for Shinnok was unknown. MMK : Well, when our third movie bombed... EMMY : And the producers blamed us for it... TBS : And no one else would hire us, except as extras in "Saved by the Bell"... MMK, TBS, EMMY : It's a living. > "Oh, no," said Chris. "They'll be looking for revenge from the > last time." > > "Just keep your cool," said James. "We beat them once, we'll > do it again." > > "James's team ready?" "The Three Ninjas ready?" TIFF: TEAMS AIIIIIIIIM! > The crowd cheered loudly for the Three Ninjas. Z-BOT: Obviously, they've been paid lucratively by Disney. > "I don't like this," said Chris. > > "We have to win," said James. "Our only choice." TBS : I demand a second opinion. MMK : You're stupid, too. > "FIGHT!" > > James deflected a quick spin kick from Rocky, then hit him > with a spinning back fist. Rocky deflected it, then swept > James down. James jumped up, > > "AKAI HA-DO-KEN!" > > Rocky was sent back, and countered with a > > "360 DEGREE SPINNING REAR KICK!" WAND: Why would someone need to spin their ass to kick? EMMY: You're actually trying to visualize this? WAND: ...yes, I am. [slugs back some more liquor] > James was hit hard. Rocky tried to follow it up, but James > answered with a > > "SHO-RYU-KEN." > > Rocky was knocked back. Rocky then said, "See ya," MMK : ...don't wanna be ya! > and Colt came flying in with a kick. James was kicked straight > in the teeth hard. TBS: Oh, Jesus... > Colt then followed up the attack with a hook kick-round kick, > then an > > "ENERGY NINJA STAR!" > > James was sent flying backwards. Realizing this was an endurance > tag, James knew he had to fight more. He hit Colt with a > > "TATSU-MAKI-SEN-PU-KYAKU", > > followed up by a > > "FLAME SWORD SLASH!" MMK: Oh my *God*! That's the move that nearly killed Terry Funk! TBS: That was a chair, Knight! A *flaming chair*! > Colt backed off, and tried a flying kick. James easily ducked, > hit him with an uppercut sending him flying, then James aimed > his sword up, > > "DIAGONAL FLAME SWORD SHOT!" > > James hit Colt in the air, and the ninja fell down smoking. > Colt then said, "Bye, Bye," and Tum Tum came in with a shoulder > charge. Z-BOT: These people have weird tag-in gestures. WAND: TUM TUM?!? > Even though younger than James by a mile, Tum Tum was still > a devastating opponent. TBS: Try to say that line out loud without laughing. EMMY: I didn't know Jim Theis was a proofreader for this. > He hit James with a > > "SHIN KICK," TIFF: ...the "devastating opponent's" first attack is the one that's a staple of schoolgirls everywhere? MMK: I thought that would be the NUTS KICK, really. > then he pulled out a bo staff TBS: From WHE...? No wait. Thinking bad. Sorry. > and threw James over his shoulder with it. > > "Chris, be careful," said James as he put a chop over his shoulder. > > Tum Tum WAND: TUM-- [inhales] --TUM?! > came charging in for the kill, but got slashed pretty quickly by > Chris. Tum Tum recovered, but only in time to be receiving a > > "HOCKEY PUCK" > > coming at his head at 85 MPH. Tum Tum was dazed by the shot, TIFF: He should be *dead*, but... EMMY: Maybe we should just be glad someone other than James and Chris is no-selling for the moment. MMK: Cheese? Where? > while Chris hit with a 1-2 punch, front-thrust round kick, > spinning back fist combo. Tum Tum then jumped. WAND : WHY TUM TUM, DAMMIT?! > Chris then performed a MMK: ...tribal rain dance in slow-mo. Z-BOT: Suffice it to say, his opponent was pretty confused. > "SHO-RYU-SLASH", > > but Tum Tum air blocked it. As soon as Chris landed, Tum > Tum threw him easily over his shoulder. Chris got up real > slow, while Tum Tum opened his mouth wide, enabling Colt to > come in TBS: OKAY! If this *isn't* god damn gay porn then WHAT THE BLOODY FUCKING HELL WAS THAT?!? WAND: A very glaring oversight leading to unintentional hilarity. TBS : Oh... TIFF: Now be a good little snotling and just cope. > with a flying kick. > > Colt then started to do more damage, with a side kick to Chris's ribs, > followed by a 1-2 punch, round kick combo. Colt gambled with a spinning > rear kick, but Chris countered with > > "SPEED-UP" > > and got out of the way. Z-BOT: He crashed into the ceiling and had to start the stage over again. EMMY: Damn spikes. > Chris then hit Colt from the air with a jump slash, up slash > knocking Colt into the air, cross-slash, down-slash, side-slash, MMK: I didn't know we were watching a slasher flick. [Rimshot.] EMMY: Knight... > jump-kick combo. Colt got up and uppercutted Chris really hard. > Landing right in front of Colt, Rocky then joined his brother, > > "DOUBLE SPINNING REAR KICK!" WAND: [bugs out] Great, now they're *both* doing it. EMMY: Think about what you just said. WAND: ...do that again, and you're going to be *very* hurt. EMMY: Okay. WAND: Now explain TUM TUM, why don't you?!? > Chris was sent flying back in a hurry. Rocky then followed in, only > to see Chris high-stick and catch James's foot to the face. Rocky > then tried to move in, only to be a victim of an > > "AKAI HA-DO-KEN!" MMK: Just! Another! Victim! > Rocky then moved around about fifteen feet from James. He was reading > James's next attack, and he got the spear he was looking for. Seeing it > coming, he grabbed the spear, yanked James in, and clotheslined him. [All of the males cringe in pain.] TIFF: I think they meant the wrestling move. WAND: Not from where I'm reading. > James was stunned. Rocky then hit him with a side kick that crashed > James into a stadium barrier. The crowd cheered wildly, and Shinnok > was standing clapping. Z-BOT: Sell-out bitch... > Rocky then tagged Colt in. James took another hard hit. Colt then > hit James with another hard combo. > > James staggered, and Colt then hit James with a hard spinning rear kick. MMK: Hard hits, hard combos, hard spinning rear kick... who'd this guy learn how to fight from? Hard Man? [A pause.] MMK: That'd be cool, actually. > James jumped up, but was hit by an > > "ENERGY NINJA STAR!" > > James flew back even more. Colt wasn't going to be stopped. > > "NINJA STRIKE!" TBS: SUPER NINJA RANDOM SOUNDING COOL NAME POWER THINGY! > James's back was against the wall. Colt then hit James with a hook kick, > round kick to the head. James was reeling now. Tum Tum then came in, WAND: TUM TUM?!? > and Rocky followed. Rocky and Colt put their brother between their > arms, and pointed Tum Tum's head towards James. Chris covered his > eyes, he knew what was coming..... TIFF: MASTER NINJA THEME SONG! ALL: NOOOOOOOOO!!! > "TRIPLE TEAM! RAMMING HEADBUTT ATTACK!" Z-BOT: And just when you thought it couldn't get any more goofy... EMMY: They put Rhino in this? MMK: GORE! GORE! GORE! > James was hit eight hard times in the mid-section, then was rammed > into the wall. The Three Ninjas walked away, celebrating; Shinnok > was laughing also, thinking James was unconscious. The crowd was > going wild. WAND: And the crowd, goes wild! ALL : Yay. > It was not the case. James struggled to pull himself > up while everyone's back was turned. TBS: Okay, this is so much like a WCW match it isn't fucking funny anymore... > James gathered the ki energy he had remaining. When Colt walked > back into the arena, James gave it his all: > > "SHINKU AKAI...... HA-DO-KEN!" > > Colt was not prepared, and he was slammed about fifty times by the red > fireball beam. He normally could probably take it, but because James > caught him by surprise, just like in the karate school, Colt was done > for the day. EMMY : Quitting time! > James placed a chop over his shoulder groggily, and Chris > came in to help his partner with Tum Tum coming in as well. [MMK opens his mouth, then just closes it.] WAND: TUM TUM? What the fuck is this TUM TUM anyway? > Tum Tum tried to hit Chris with a wild uppercut, but Chris easily > dodged the attack. Chris then approached Tum Tum really quickly, TIFF: Then he hit him really hard and Tum Tum fell down. TBS: "BARF!" yelled Tum-Tum as he rubbed his bum-bum. > "RUSHING SLAM!" > > Tum Tum was picked up and thrown before what he knew what hit > him. Chris then finished up the attack with a beautiful > > "MULTIPLE HOCKEY PUCK!" MMK : Now, the rare beautiful Multiple Hockey Puck is hardly seen, and for good reason: It only makes its nest where vast concentrations of crap can be found. > Tum Tum was slammed by about 40 pucks going about 150 MPH. Even ninja > training couldn't survive that, WAND: A person in fucking *plate armor* couldn't stand that. > and Tum Tum was knocked out of the arena unconscious. Rocky then > jumped into the fray. TBS : Yo, uh, you think you gonna beat up my brothers? Huh? > Being the oldest by far, > > Rocky showed his experience. ALL: GAH! > When Chris tried his > > "SHO-RYU-SLASH," > > Rocky dodged the attack, then slammed Chris down hard. Also, > after Chris tried a > > "HOCKEY PUCK," > > Rocky answered with a > > "MULTIPLE NINJA ENERGY STAR," TBS, MMK : Do you wanna be rich? Do you wanna be an energy star? Well, honey, you already are... you already are... > sending Chris flying back and a bit cut up. Chris then > high-sticked Rocky, Z-BOT: ...and then was sent to the box for a double minor. MMK: Don't do the crime if you can't do the time, jabronie! > and James followed in with a kick. Still weary, but not more > than Chris now, James stood his ground. Rocky came in with > a rushing attack, but took a hook kick to the head followed > by a knee kick. TBS: He sounds less like a karateka and more like a guy who knows tae kwon do. All these kicks... MMK: Do not *sully* tae kwon do in such a manner. > As Rocky staggered, James flipped into Rocky three times followed > by a headbutt ram. Rocky was totally dazed now. EMMY: Not to mention some of us. WAND: I'm drunk. Not dazed. [burps] 'Scuse. > Rocky tried a jumping attack, and it looked like he had > it. But, James was already preparing some ki power in > his hands. James's hand started to go aflame.... MMK: Oh, great! Now he's going to go on about having *Kusanagi* blood! [A beat.] TBS: Does that mean we can kill James off in multiple, gross, cruel, yet strangely humorous ways? [ALL smile at the thought.] > "SHIN...... RYUUUUUUU-KEN!" > > James ripped up out of the floor with a major vertical > flaming Dragon Punch similar to Ken, but more powerful. [ALL yawn.] > Even Rocky's jump kick was no match, and he was hit about > thirty times as James went vertical. At the end, James > threw Rocky off, and the ninja was smoking. TBS: Remember, kiddies, the Three Ninjas advocate smoking. WAND: And you heard it here first! > "James and Chris win," said Shinnok grumbling, "but it's not > over yet....." MMK : You two... against the Farrelly brothers... In a tub of Hot Fudge! > "What the?" asked James. "We won fair and square." > > "Huh?" asked Chris. EMMY : Didn't we manipulate the fight using our Mad SI Skillz? WAND : Ssshhhh! > Suddenly, a huge blue figure jumped into the arena, the crowd > going even wilder. MMK: It's Spekkio! You're *fucked*! > He said, "I AM THE APOCALYPSE!" MMK : ...and I am a power junkie. ALL: Hi, Apocalypse! TBS : Tripping on power? Having megalomaniacal thoughts? Continuously being pestered by children who really should not be winning? We here at Incompetent Overlords Anonymous are here to help you cope... > James gasped in horror. TIFF : ...oh. for a moment, you had me worried there. Whew. > He and Chris were low on wind from the > last fight, now they have to fight Apocalypse? TIFF: Well, Himura Kenshin had that same problem going against Makoto Shishio. > "You FOOLS!" Apocalypse insulted James and Chris. WAND: [shaking his head] Amateur. I can think of a lot of worse things to say... TBS: Would you like us to start? > CHAPTER 18: MOTARO'S APOCALYPSE FOR JAMES AND CHRIS > > SHAOLIN STADIUM: UNDERGROUND: SHAOLIN ISLAND WAND : For many years, the Shaolin Island Underground has engaged in noble, yet illegal activities, such as smuggling wigs and copies of the Kama Sutra inside the Shaolin Temples... > James started out for his team, while Chris jumped back. A video > game expert, James knew right where to hit Apocalypse right > where it counted: EMMY: His bottomline? WAND: His "off" button? TBS: His ego? TIFF: His wallet? MMK: His nuts? TBS: Whose nuts? MMK: DEEZ NUTS! > his head. [ALL snap their fingers.] Z-BOT: I dunno. Nuts sounds better. > Apocalypse staggered back about an inch. > > James then hit Apocalypse with a 1-2 punch, round kick, side > kick, hook kick, axe kick combo in the air. EMMY: And 1-2-3 KICK! 1-2-3 KICK! > Apocalypse staggered, then pounded the ground with a fist. Flame > shockwaves sent James flying back. > > "YOUR LIFE IS OVER!" boasted Apocalypse. TBS: After writing a fighting game crossover SI guest-starring the Three Ninjas? Damn right it is. > "AKAI HA-DO-KEN! TIFF: ... wait, who's talking right now? > I don't think so," said James. With Apocalypse momentarilly > distracted, MMK: By something that wasn't important enough to warrant a description... > James quickly moved in, 1-2 punch, round kick, wheel kick combo in the > air. WAND: Combo in the air like you just don't care! > When Apocalypse attemped to lock on for an attempted heat-seeking > missile attempt, TBS: So he tried to try and lock on. Got it. > Chris jumped in and hit Apocalypse in the head after > James placed a chop over his shoulder. EMMY: A pork chop, lightly seasoned with basil and bay leaf. > Chris then pulled out his hockey > stick, and jump-slash, cross-slashed comboed Apocalypse. TBS: Chris got a ten-minute misconduct for this, but Apocalypse did instigate it, so... > Then, Apocalypse seemed to fade out, TIFF : I am your father, and the one true-- dammit, wrong script. > but Chris was caught off-guard while Motaro came kicking in. > > "OH MY GOSH," said James, "Apocalypse's bad enough, but now Motaro?" WAND : Even *I* don't buy this shit any more! > Chris got grabbed by Motaro's huge hand, TBS : Err... that's not my neck you grabbed... MMK : Oops, sorry... TBS : Don't! It feels goo-- [EMMY taps them on the shoulders and jerks his thumb. MMK and TBS both turn to look at an irate TIFF. Both shut up.] > and was punched across the stadium and crashed into the wall. > The crowd cheered wildly for Motaro. ALL : Yaaaay, horse thingy. > "Aim for Motaro's head," said James. "It's his only weak point. > If you fire your projectiles into his body, they'll come back > to you." WAND: It's Skip Rogers! He's here to show you how! > Chris had other plans, MMK: They involved a long piece of string, some coconut husks, and a Led Zeppelin album. > "INVINCIBILITY!" TIFF : Well, that might work too... damn munchkin... TBS: I HAVE THE POOOOWEEEEER!! > Chris tried to run into Motaro, but even his invincibility > move couldn't stop Motaro's punch, EMMY: ...so why is it "invincibility" again? WAND: Drink. > as he was crunched into the stadium wall again > to the crowd's delight. TIFF: Red wall at morning, janitors take warning. TBS: Red wall at night, audience's delight! > "Take your slashes to his head," said James. "And don't > LET HIM GRAB YOU!" > > "Easy for you to say," said Chris. TBS : I think he's related to Michael Jackson! > "I've played Motaro a million times in Mortal Kombat," said > James. "And that's the way you trash him. MMK : But then again, I had to continue like a sumbitch! > Plus, you're a lot faster than he is...." > > "Right," said Chris, as he dodged a few bomb fireballs. TBS : Oh, come on! Could you at least *pretend* like you were paying attention? > Chris then slashed Motaro coming down from a Super Jump. > Motaro groaned in pain and reeled back. > > "Yes," said James. EMMY : Take it off, take it ALL OFF-- wait, no, that was last night. > "Keep it up...." > > Chris then proceeded with a > > "SHO-RYU-SLASH" MMK: Ryu wondered what form of wrestling involved Zangief and Vega grappling naked in a tub of baby oil. > that cut Motaro's chin. Motaro reeled back. Chris then kicked > Motaro coming down right in the nose. Motaro grabbed his nose > after it started bleeding. Chris then jumped up and slashed > Motaro hard again. As the minotaur reeled back, James saw a > sneaky move.... > > "WATCH THE TAIL!" screamed James. EMMY : I'm watching, I'm watching! What am I looking at? WAND : Shhh! Just watch the tail. Watch the tail. Your eyes are getting sleepy... sleepy... sleepy... > Motaro's tail came whipping out, but Chris perfomed his > > "SPEED UP" > > technique, Z-BOT: Actually, all he does is take a few caffeine pills. > then got out of the way. > > "James, let's double-team this monster." said Chris. > "Right," said James. > > "DOUBLE TEAM! TBS: Then they split into a bunch of multi-images of themselves and their evade goes way, way up... TIFF: ... I can't believe you know that. > SHINKU AKAI HA-DO-KEN!" > > "MULTIPLE HOCKEY PUCK" > > The beam and the pucks shot hard at Motaro's head. Motaro roared > in pain, MMK : HANGOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER! > then had a hard time getting up. He weakly raised is hand, while > Apocalypse rose again from the bottom of the stadium, while Motaro > jumped out. EMMY: ...have they been having this fight on Apocalypse's shoulder or something? WAND: Don't think too hard about it. Video game physics and all that. > Chris then high-sticked Apocalypse, TIFF: ...this time getting sent off for repeated offenses. MMK: Who does he think he is? Bob Probert? > and James came kicking out. TBS: ...like a can-can dancer, blinding Apocalypse with his shapely thighs! > Apocalypse again staggered, then fired a laser at James. James was > stunned momentarilly. WAND: And not, y'know, burnt or anything. Because that would be silly. > Apocalypse then morphed his hand into a > > HUGE DRILL! TIFF : BEHOLD MY MIGHTY COMPENSATION! > James knew if he got drilled, his team was finished. EMMY: But it wouldn't kill him or anything. Because that would be silly. > He shook off the stars, MMK: Get thee behind me, Ben Affleck! > then super-jumped just in time. While Apocalypse flew into > the wall, James hit Apocalypse with an > > "AKAI HA-DO-KEN!" > > Apocalypse groaned as he morphed his hand back into a spiked > ball. WAND : DON'T YOU KNOW *ANY* OTHER MOVES? > James then hit Apocalypse hard again, this time with a > short-kick, hook-kick, round-kick, side kick combo to the face. EMMY: I want to see someone *do* that all in a row. TIFF: But substitute onion rings for the fries this time, all right? > Apocalypse then tried to fire some lasers, but James saw them coming and > blocked them. TBS: With his super-duper mirror-coated armor gi! > James then jumped up into the air and leveled Apocalypse with a > > "FLAME SWORD SLASH!" TIFF : REI KI NO KEN! > Apocalypse groaned in tremendous pain, but faded out quickly as > Motaro came in. Z-BOT : Remember, I *am* your father, Luke-- wait, no, screwed up again... > James made Motaro look like a fool. WAND: What, and this is new? > When Motaro kicked, James super-jumped, then hit the Minotaur with > a jump-punch, jump-kick, sweep kick combo. MMK: Ah, he makes Sensei Chop Chop Master Onion proud. > Motaro got up and swung his tail, only to have James jump it and bring > his FLAME SWORD hard onto Motaro's head. James then felt the power flowing > through his sword. TBS: And if he keeps "feeling the power," he's gonna go blind, if you catch my drift... > He gained it all, then let Motaro have it.... > > "FLAME SWORD INFERNO BLAZE!" EMMY: SUPER DUPER RED HOT TEXAS PETE'S CHIMICHONGA ATTAAAAACK! > Motaro was burned to a crisp, and was smoking like crazy and unconscious. WAND : This is some *really good shit*... > The crowd was stunned at James's power. ALL : Yaaay, munchkin kid. > Motaro had been a great warrior, but he was just totally decimated as > Shinnok's servants tried to douse the flames. TIFF: When you're on fire, just stop, drop, and decimate. > James then sheathed his sword, WAND: In wha--? [TBS and MMK cover WAND's mouth.] MMK: Do not question. WAND: Mmph. > and placed a chop over his shoulder. TIFF: This one was grilled and covered in barbecue sauce. > Chris then jumped in, and awaited Apocalypse. > > "TOURNAMENT IS OVER," said Apocalypse. "YOU FOOL!" MMK : Isn't that supposed to be my line? WAND : ...you're dead, lugan. MMK : Oh yeah, sorry. > "N'so fast," said Chris, as he hit Apocalypse with a hard slash. Chris > then jump-kicked Apocalypse, followed by a 1-2 punch, front-thrust-round > kick spinning back fist combo; TIFF: With taquitos on the side and a grilled sourdough burger with extra swiss and a big RC Cola. Yeah! > however, Chris had no power even to stun Apocalypse. Apocalypse laughed, > as he fired a fire beam and hit Chris square. Chris got even more mad, TBS : AUGH! I look like a reject from Virtua Fighter! > "SHO-RYU-SLASH!" > > But that even wasn't enough to even prick Apocalypse. MMK: Funny, Chris has been a really efficient prick up until now. > Chris then figured that even his Super Move wouldn't be enough. Chris > then took most of his remaining wind TBS: And broke it. TIFF: ...no. > and combined it with his ki..... > > "RUSHING LIGHT SPEED ATTACK!" WAND: I AM THE WIZARD OF SPEED AND TIME BLAST! > Chris went zooming through the air. In a matter of two seconds, Chris > created a brilliant flash of light by the speed he traveled, Z-BOT: Man, if physics wasn't *already* his bitch... > and hit Apocalypse about 92,000 times. [MMK holds up a sign reading, "GODDAMN LUDICROUS COMBO! 92,000 hits!"] > Apocalypse was strong, but not even he could stand up to THAT kind of attack. TBS : ...BARF! > Apocalypse screamed in pain as his power suit was deactivated totally WAND: You mean the one he doesn't wear? > and he fell to the ground unconscious at about six feet tall. EMMY: Huh? What the *hell* does that mean? > "We did it," said James. > > The crowd fell totally silent, they were stunned and shocked. TBS : Never before has a complete shoot been so obvious to all who saw it! > Chris cheered as he hugged James. MMK : Give me some sugar, baby! [TIFF baps him with an anime mallet.] > They had won the tournament and had the right to challenge Shinnok..... > > "OH NO YOU DON'T," said Shinnok. EMMY: He's so powerful, he can contradict the narrator! > "IT'S UNBELIEVABLE, WAND: Damn right it is. > BUT YOU STILL ONE MORE TO GO THROUGH....." EMMY: Was his tournament organizer Dr. Wily? > James and Chris couldn't believe what Shinnok was saying. They > hadn't won after all? TIFF : But... but we used the super hockey pucks! How could that fail?! > "OH, KINTARO? WHERE ARE YOU?" asked Shinnok. TBS : Right rere, Raggy! MMK: And coming soon... the Kintaro Roo and Krappy Poo show on Cartoon Network. > Kintaro came flying down from the sky. EMMY : Here I come to save the day!!! > The crowd cheered loudly while Kintaro flexed all four arms.... ALL : Hoo! Hah! Yah! Feel this bicep, baby. > "UH, OH!" said James and Chris combined. MMK: Here we go again! [All laugh in the goofy, eerily forced manner only found in the last minute of a sitcom.] > They knew that Kung Lao barely finished off Kintaro back in MK2, > and their chance will be minimal.... WAND : With that kind of "minimal chance," I'd go to Monte Carlo with my tollbooth change. > "ROOOOAAAARR!" growled Kintaro as he prepared for the fight.... TIFF: ... wait, he just yelled the word "Roar"? Really loud? MMK: He knows this fight is fixed. He's not going to put any effort into it. > "Run, James," said a familiar voice. "It's your only chance...." WAND: If you run, it'll ease your troubled mind. > "GO!" said a raspy voice. "We'll take this." > > James recognized the voices, and jumped on Chris, taking Chris down and > James covering Chris. TBS: And they proceeded to SHO-RYU-SLASH. WAND : Great googly-moogly. TBS: They showed the crowd, too. > He knew a devastating attack was coming, and didn't > want them hurt. > > "DOUBLE TEAM! > > MESSATU SHINKU GA-DO-KEN!" > > "BERSERKER BARRAGE X!" EMMY: Coming soon to the PS2 and GameCube. > Akuma and Wolverine hit Kintaro hard from the back with a fireball > beam and a charging slashing attack. Kintaro was totally knocked out > by the attack: he didn't even see it coming. MMK: And Triple H was behind it ALL THE WAY! > Shinnok was enraged, and he became furious.... "JAMES, AKUMA, > WOLVERINE, CHRIS, YOU FOOLS! TBS : YOU JUST SUCKED THE TENSION RIGHT OUT OF THAT SCENE! CHRIST, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THIS RIGHT WHEN *THESE* TWITS ARE WHAT I HAVE TO WORK WITH? DAMMIT, SOMEBODY CALL MY AGENT... > I'VE ALREADY LAUNCHED AN INVASION. I'VE ALSO GOT THE SPIRIT OF > MASTER SEMA. MEET ME ON TOP OF SHAOLIN TOURNAMENT MOUNTAIN IF > YOU DARE TO FIGHT ME." MMK : AND I *DON'T HAVE ANY EVIL PLANS!* GODDAMNIT, DON'T YOU GET IT? IF YOU WEREN'T HERE, THEY'D SIMPLY BE MORALLY NEUTRAL PLANS! BUT YOU HERO TYPES JUST *HAD* TO COME ALONG AND PUT YOUR OWN MORAL SLANT ON THEM, DIDN'T YOU? WAND: *WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYBODY YELLING?!?* > Shinnok then disappeared, TBS : Exit! Stage right! Left, even! > as the crowd cleared out of the stadium. > > "James, Chris, it's your destiny to travel up the Shaolin Tournament > Mountain," said Akuma. TIFF : Here. Take this Chrono Trigger, and... > "Until I met you, EMMY : I had never known the tender sweetness of love before... > I was always this demon, striving to beat anyone, anyway I can. WAND : That's why I jobbed earlier! Now you're *tired*! TBS : Uh-oh. > But, now that I've seen that I've wasted sixty years of my life, I'm > going to live a little. TIFF : I'm going to Disneyland! > Good luck, hero, you'll need it!" > > James nodded, "Thank you Akuma." EMMY : Your wholly infeasible personality shift has given me hope. > "Don't forget your young partner there," said Wolverine. WAND : A guy's seein' a guy, or sleepin' with him, he *ain't* his *partner*... > "He may be young > in age, but not only is he an accomplished fighter, but he is a friend. > Listen to him, he may have your keys to defeating Shinnok." Z-BOT : Hell, maybe even the keys to your '87 Camry. > James and Chris nodded to Wolverine, "I guess we're on our way...." > > Akuma then said, "Wolvie and I will clean up here, we'll also free the > Three Ninjas from their curse." MMK : Wait a minute, what's this "Wolvie" stuff? Huh? [grins] TBS : Uh... uh... I don't know what you mean... MMK : Say no more, say no more... nudge nudge wink wink, huh? Huh? TBS : Shut up! We're just friends, thassall! > "Deal," said James. "We'll take down Shinnok for good." > > "Then, your time is running out," said Akuma. "Take the northern > path, and be careful!" > > James and Chris left the stadium and traveled through the reception > room. Z-BOT: And they saw the canapes and decided to spend a few minutes in there. > "James, Shinnok's bound to dig deep inside you to find something that > hurts you to the point that you can't continue....," said Chris. TIFF : Like your liver, or your spleen, or... > "Don't let him use it: resist and fight him, no matter what happens...." > James nodded, "Easier said than done," > "True," said Chris. "But I'll be there for you, all the way..." WAND: The part of Chris will be played by Kaworu Nagisa. EMMY: Don't you mean Kevin Nelson? WAND: I most certainly do not. > "Let's do it," said James. TBS : Here? Now? With all these people reading? MMK : Get ready for some Shinkuu love love, baby! [TIFF growls and chases the two laughing loons around the theater.] EMMY: They're getting good exercise out of this. > With determination unbridled, WAND: And shoes untied... EMMY: And debts unsettled... Z-BOT: And cattle unrustled... TIFF: And homework unfinished... TBS: And belts unbuckled... [A beat. ALL stare at TBS.] TIFF: That was so lame and predictable, I don't know if I should hurt you or pity you... TBS : That one was just *sitting there*! I had to say it! > James and Chris left the Stadium and started > up the southern slope of Shaolin Tournament Mountain. [Fade to black.] ******* [The swirling Multiversal Television Network logo comes up, and the title "MOT: Behind the Torture." Snack Lightly is now in an interview studio.] SNACK: We have the privilege here of presenting to you the three mainstays of the Mystery Octagon Theatre cast... James Howard, the Multimediocre Knight; TV's Gavok; and the Black Snotling. Hey, guys. [MMK's red tux looks... sharper than usual, because it's tailor-made. Gavok's in Gavok's clothes, but with sparkly rhinestones. They both wear sunglasses. TBS is still TBS.] MMK: So anyway, Gavok, as I was saying, I figure that if I sell my shares in Ma Bell I could finally get that little place in Aspen I've had my eyes on... oh, hi, Snack. GAVOK: Ma Bell? But they've got the *ill* communi--oh, hi, Snack. TBS: Wowsery wowsers, Snack! Boy, it sure is great to be here! Hey, TV Land! I love you! Buy my book! SNACK: How did you all end up in the MOT business anyway? MMK: Hunter had this idea, you know... we thought about it, powerbombed Snot through the negotiation table, asked for more money and did it. SNACK: The movie? GAVOK: No, we put Snot in a Crippler Crossface. TBS: Hurt, too. SNACK: And when the series became a success... GAVOK: Well, because we're so fantastically cool, handsome, charming and modest, we agreed to do a three-episode deal-- SNACK: I was wondering about that. Snot, you weren't in 105, MOT's public-access debut. TBS: I thought I'd try to stretch my wings a little, try something else. Shakespeare. MMK: Little sucker came crawling back eventually though. SNACK: We've got a clip of that somewhere, if you don't mind... TBS: Don't you *dare* roll that-- [Quick cut to a blasted heath. THREE WITCHES and their BRITCHES are circling a cauldron.] 1st WITCH: When shall we three meet again, in thunder, lightning, or in rain? TBS: Well, I've got coffee with Spielberg at two, and a sauna after that... 3rd WITCH: Learn your *goddamn* lines, snot-face! TBS: I know 'em! I just don't know what *order* they go in! [Back to the studio. MMK is holding a sack out to TBS.] MMK: Put the bag on your head, Snot. TBS: Don't wanna. MMK: You deserve it, Snot. TBS: Make me. GAVOK: GODDAMN IT! JUST DO IT! TBS: Whoa! Okay. [TBS puts the sack on his head.] TBS: Great. Now my fans can't see me. GAVOK: You don't *have* any fans. TBS: I've got one! Somewhere! He's probably behind the couch. 'M always losing things down there. SNACK: Now, Knight, you've done quite well financially out of the whole deal... MMK: You damn right. The key is not to let it go to your head. I mean, I'm a pretty down to earth kind of guy. As down to earth as the new owner of Viacom and Virgin *can* be. GAVOK: The key's in perspective. We're funny men. We do funny things. This is why my controlling interest in Disney brings such joy. SNACK: I understand that you're considering buying BMW? GAVOK: Oh, we're going to have to go halves on that one. [Film clip of GAVOK getting sawed in half by TIFF in an MOT episode.] SNACK: That happens a lot, doesn't it? GAVOK: You'd be fairly surprised... MMK: Hell, Jackie Chan doesn't have anything on us! He can't get life insurance? *We're* the posterboys of life insurance! SNACK: Life insurance companies want you? MMK: No, they make posters with us on them. See? [MMK unrolls a large poster with LOONS in various states of damage. Underneath is the caption "Got Insurance?"] GAVOK: SunLife, in particular, pays good money. TBS: That's just 'cause MMK is Canadian. MMK: Snot... TBS: Well, it's bloody hot with this sack on my head. SNACK: Anyway, guys, you are all self-confessed pro-wrestling fans. Any chance of seeing any of you in a pro-wrestling promo? MMK: Funny you should ask, Snack. We auditioned for Tough Enough... Gavok and I... GAVOK: But they didn't want us. MMK: Nope, they didn't. Hurts a lot, it did. Right here. [pounds on his chest] GAVOK: Least they could do was give us our ten seconds on air-- SNACK: I'm sorry to hear that guys, but-- GAVOK: --especially after the fuss they made about the MMK Doll's debut. [A beat.] SNACK: The MMK Doll? MMK: Yeah. He's going to be appearing in the next pay-per-view as part of a new Team Canada. GAVOK: Sucks majorly. MMK: At least, we got to see E&C before their split. GAVOK: That reeks of awesomeness, mi amigo. [MMK and GAVOK high-five.] TBS: Hey, how come I didn't get to see them? GAVOK: They threw you in the trash, remember? [A beat.] TBS: Oh, *yeah*! Those guys were sure cool. SNACK: Ahem... well, I'm sure that you have your own thoughts on your co-stars in Torture Theater. How would you describe working with such a talented group of actors? [MMK and GAVOK exchange a meaningful glance. They synchronously turn to SNACK and answer.] MMK, GAVOK: Painful. TBS: They speak truth! GAVOK: Everyone is so... what's the word? MMK: *2-extreme*? GAVOK: Well, *that*. But I was thinking of "passionate." SNACK: Ah! MMK: Torture Theater tends to bring out the best and worst in people. I mean, how would you like it if someone shoves a week-old tapioca pudding that's been sitting out in the sun too long in front of your nose and forces you to sniff it? TBS: Whoa! Summer camp flashbacks! MMK: I was speaking figuratively, but really... being forced to sit through some of the worst examples of Internet literacy can bring out the worst in people. Which reminds me. How's our stock of emergency cookie rations? GAVOK: Way above safety level. MMK : Excellent. SNACK: Cookies? MMK: Good pacifiers, those sweet morsels of baked goodness. Snuffy likes them, too. SNACK: Snuffy? MMK: The elephant. SNACK: Elephant? MMK: Elephant. SNACK: What elephant? MMK: Dude! There's only about so many elephants on this show! SNACK: I don't remember any elephants. MMK: Dude! GAVOK: He means *this* elephant. [pulls a cord] [An elephant lands on MMK.] SNACK: Oh, *that* elephant! MMK : Finally! He remembers! [The elephant stands up and walks away, leaving a flattened MMK.] MMK : [waves a very flat hand] Thanks for the cameo, Snuffy! See you at work. SNACK: Does it *hurt* when you're like that? MMK : Like what? TBS: Only when he laughs. [SNACK raises his eyebrow.] MMK : Oh, sorry, forgot... [MMK puts a thumb to his mouth and blows, pumping himself back to three dimensions.] MMK: That any better? GAVOK: You missed a foot, dude. MMK: Cool! My right foot looks like Ronald McDonald's. SNACK: Looks like we're out of time. Thank you, guys. It's been... surreal. MMK: My pleasure. GAVOK: Watch out for my show... coming soon on cable TV! TBS: Bloody uncomfortable interview, but what the hey. SNACK: This interview was brought to you by Duct Tape (tm), helping to hold together insane overly-abused-and-mutilated author avatars since 1901. We now return you to the rest of the show. [Slow fade.] TBS: Um... guys? What was in this sack before I used it? [Cut back to swirling Multiversal Television Network logo with the title "Behind the Torture."] ======== > CHAPTER 19: AN OFFICIAL BATTLE OF THE SOUL MMK : That's right! Call the number at the bottom of your screen for your very own official Battle of the Soul! Supplies are limited! WAND : Batteries not included. Contains self-inserts. Should not be read by the weak of heart or the infirm of body. > SHAOLIN ISLAND > > The Netherealm soldiers quickly surrounded the Defenders of the Realm and > the Street Fighters. A large task was on hand, TBS: ...how to fix Humpty Dumpty back together again. > especially for the Street > Fighters, because they weren't used to these gang attacks. EMMY: Yes. Only Mike Haggar can save them now! WAND : Hey! We need some of the Final Fight holdovers here! Guy? Sodom? ROLENTO? > "HA-DO-KEN!" > > Ryu knocked back a Lin Kuei Ninja. Liu Kang and Kitana then teamed > up on another few ninjas. TBS: Okay, if this is the Night of a Million Billion Ninjas, then where's Oedipus? MMK: Probably balling some other damn shotoclone. TBS: Oh. > "DRAGON FIREBALL!" > > "FAN THROW!" > > A few flying ninjas came in, but were greeted by Ken and Sean. TBS : Hey there, nice to see you! MMK : Yeah, it's been so long since we last saw ya! WAND : I don't get it. > "SHO-RYU-KEN!" > > "FLAMING SHO-RYU-KEN!" > > Johnny Cage blocked a nomad's attack, TBS : But I just wanted an autograph! Stop killing me! > "SHADOW KICK!" > > Chun Li attacked a few Kahn imitators, TIFF: Hey, just because their version of "I Feel for You" isn't as good as the real thing... EMMY : Shao Kahn, let me rock you/Let me rock you Shao Kahn... > "LIGHTNING KICK!" > > Blanka and Rayden then punted them away and knocked them out. MMK: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL! > A robot then tried to grab Sub-Zero, TBS: --but ended up goosing him. Hilarity ensued. EMMY : You do not touch my buttocks without permission, silly automaton! > but Sub froze him with an "ICE TIFF: CREAM! > CLONE!" > > Scorpion then ripped his mask off and blew fire on the robot, melting it > away to nothing but a puddle. TIFF: Huh. Shouldn't it have shattered instead? EMMY: Mortal Kombat. The only place where freezing actually turns you into 100% water, no matter what you once were. WAND: Somewhere, Bill Nye is having a heart attack. > Some wizards then attacked the group, EMMY: Unfortunately, they were from Final Fantasy 8, so everyone had to stand around and wait for the summon to end. > "ICE 1! > > FIRE 1! > > BOLT 1!" MMK : PIGGY! AMUT! EXIT! WAND: GRAB 1! COLD 1! DOWN 1! > The group was backed up a bit. EMMY: In case a lightning storm came along and erased the data of this *stirring* fight... [rolls eyes] TIFF: Never has the line between good and evil been so dull. > Then, more Lin Kueis jumped out of the background. TBS : Are you sure this is a good idea? You saw what's happening to everyone el-- MMK : Shut up! We just have to cover for the unit hiding in the foreground! > "FLASH ALL : Flash! Aaaaah! Savior of the universe! > KICK!" > > Guile caught a ninja coming in. TBS: With one of his nifty new "Ronin" anti-ninja tactical missiles! > Sakura then hit more ninjas with a > > "SHO-O-KEN!" > > The invaders were getting hit hard. WAND: Loudly. And repeatedly. And without much description, either. > A group of nomads tried to hit Ryu and > Ken, but they were victimes of a EMMY: ... shift from MP3 to Ogg Vorbis format. > "DOUBLE SHINKU HA-DO-KEN!" > > The nomads were blown completely down, knocking them into some > ninjas as well. Guile hit a few ninjas hard, then Blanka cleaned > them out. TIFF: Then he roasted the remains over a roaring campfire. WAND: Don't you just love this stirring emotion displayed in this piece? > Liu Kang then teamed with Sean, MMK : But, mooom! I don't want to team with Liu. He has scales! TBS : Now, don't be like that! You know you don't have any other friends... MMK : Aw, shucks! > "BICYCLE KICK!" TIFF: Oh, I want to kick my BI-CYC-LE... > "SEAN TACKLE!" > > They cleared out some more of the Kahn images and Lin Kueis. > Suddenly, Cyrax and Sektor jumped into the fray. MMK : Sorry we're late. We couldn't find a kosher car park. > Rayden first shocked them with some > well-placed bolts, TBS: In their necks? > disrupting their circuit > boards, then Chun Li belted them with a WAND: Frying pan! TIFF: Chainsaw! EMMY: Leather whip! TBS: Garbage can! MMK: ...TENNIS SHOE! > "TENN-SHOO-KYAKU!" MMK <^_^ing>: Hey, look at that! WAND: You're reaching. > Her Thousand Burst Kick blew them into bits. EMMY : Well, that's that-- [stares at something] Oh, *YUCK!* WAND : Please note that they were cyborgs. Not androids. TBS : *Cool*! He had kevlar intestines and everything! > "SAKURA!" screamed Ryu as he saw a few ninjas attempting to smash > his future wife from the air. MMK: INTENSE! NINJA! SCHOOLGIRL! VOLLEYBALL! ACTION! > "SHINKU HA-DO-KEN!" > > Sakura heard Ryu and responed, TBS: I didn't know "Street Fighter" had respon points. WAND: You're *really* reaching. > "SHINKU...!" The two fireball blasts blew the ninjas clear of the area. EMMY: Hey, who threw the second fireball? WAND: Emmy... EMMY: No, I mean it! Sakura didn't even finish shouting. [stands up] Who threw the *goddamn* fireball?! WAND: The sniper on the grassy knoll? > As more of the images, nomads, and Lin Kueis were easily defeated, MMK: They were being attacked by images? EMMY: That sounds like bad gothic poetry. WAND : Palette-swapped images descend on me / I am no longer afire with life... > the Shadow Priests started attacking. WAND: And these guys were from FF7, so the load time on the summons wasn't a whole lot better... > "FIRE 1" > > "BOLT 1!" > > "SOUL ATTACK!" EMMY: ...so is he using his soul to attack, or attacking someone else's soul, or... WAND: Kevin... just stop. > The group was slammed by the surprise spells, and staggered back. Sakura > and Scorpion recovered the fastest. Scorpion then performed his Multiple > Spear, > > "GET GET GET GET GET GET EMMY : Can someone please kick Scorpion? He's stuck again. > GET OVER HERE!," EMMY : *Thank* you. > as he pulled about twenty of the Priests together. Sakura then > performed her > > "HARU ICHIBAN!" MMK : Me bouncy! [ALL stare at MMK.] MMK: What? [He ^_^s.] TIFF: Where'd you get the costume? MMK: Post-Otakon auction on eBay. [He ^_^s.] > The ninjas were slammed hard and were thrown into the Shaolin sea. WAND: Oh, sure, after all it's only natural that the sea near Shaolin Island where Shaolin Stadium is located, near Shaolin Mountain, is called *Shaolin Sea*. EMMY: ...and you're coming after *me*? WAND: Do as I say, not as I do. > Scorpion then saw a group of ninjas coming, TBS : Hark! A group of ninjas! MMK : That's nice, Scorpion. > "GET GET GET GET GET GET EMMY : Again, please, somebody... > GET OVER HERE!" EMMY : Dammit, why do my ninjas *always* start skipping *right* when the warranty runs out? > Sub-Zero then saw the ninjas bunched up, and leveled them with an > > "AVALANCHE!" > > The ninjas were thrown down into a large rock formation in the sea. TBS: On your right, Shaolin Rock Formation. MMK: Located in the crystal-clear Shaolin Sea! TIFF: By lovely Shaolin Beach! WAND: Don't taunt me. > "That was HOT," said Sub-Zero. > > "So COOL," said Scorpion. [Beat.] TBS : I feel so dirty. WAND : Hold me, brother. I am sore afraid. > Kitana then caught a few more Shadow Priests with her > > "FAN LIFT," EMMY: I guess she upgraded to a ceiling fan. > then Guile leveled them with a > > "SONIC BLADE," > > while Blanka leveled them with his > > "FLIPPING FRENZY!" MMK : Don't you think we're flat enough already? TBS : Nope! [Backstep Rollings MMK] > The Shadow Priests stood no chance, and the invaders started to fall > fast. Rayden and Johnny Cage combined with Sean and Ken to drive > the last ninjas away.... TIFF : And *I'll* form... the head! > "BOLT 3!" WAND : I'll see your Bolt 3, raise you a Bolt 4 and a... > "RED SHADOW KICK!" TBS : Ha! I'll see your raise and raise you this flying pig and a... > "HA-DO-KEN!" [EMMY scratches his head, then grins.] EMMY : I'll take that raise and raise you this quarter horse and a... > "SHIN-RYU-KEN!" TIFF : I fold. > The ninjas were crashed onto the ground, smoking and unconscious. MMK : That is some *good shit*. > The Defenders of the Realm and the Street Fighters wiped their brows ALL: INTENSE! BROW-WIPING! ACTION! > after the last of the nomads fell. That seemed to be all..... > > "YOUR SOUL IS MINE!" echoed a familiar voice. TBS: It's my hibachi dealer Raul! > "SHANG TSUNG!" yelled Kang. "What's HE doing here?" > > "IT'S OFFICIAL! YOU SUCK!" EMMY: ...you said it, Ryoga, not us. > Noob Saibot jumped out of the bushes, and Ken seemed to disappear. TIFF : But maybe he didn't. Hell if I know. EMMY : Hey, you ever noticed that we don't ever see Ken and Noob Saibot together? > "I'll need a partner vs. these two," said Liu Kang. [ALL look around innocently at each other. TBS clears his throat and whistles innocently.] EMMY : Oh come ON! > "This is personal...." MMK : My puppy Floozy died three hours ago. I know it was *him*! He'll pay! > "I'll join," said Ryu. "Noob's supposed to be a powerful warrior, and I > wish to test his might...." > > "OK," said Liu Kang. "But be careful!" > > Shang Tsung and Liu Kang bowed to each other, but their rivalry was well > known. WAND: So well known, that we're going to stop the clusterfuck fight scene for a bit in order to tell you about it. TIFF : Story time. TBS : I have to go to the bathroom. > Liu Kang defeated Shang Tsung at the 10th Generational Mortal Kombat > tournament. Shang was revived twice to avenge his death, MMK : I have returned from the Dark World, and now I am *Red* Shang! > but failed in both Mortal Kombat: The Outworld and Mortal Kombat Invasion. TIFF: That's not a very good investment, if you ask me. > Shinnok gave him his absolute last chance, MMK : And I *mean* it this time, Jean Grey... > but it was only to defeat Liu Kang. TBS: Shinnok doesn't like to set his sights too high. > Shang Tsung opened with a powerful kick, but Liu Kang blocked it easily. > Shang Tsung threw a kick that seemed to buzz with electricity. EMMY : Ah, yes...the new Brocken morph is coming along quite nicely... > Liu Kang was shocked and knocked upwards, then Shang Tsung went to his > dirty work, throwing MMK: ...mud pies. > "THREE FIREBALLS" TBS : Three! Three fireballs! Ha! Ha! Ha! [Thunder roars in the background.] > that knocked Liu Kang for a loop. > > "I recognize that move ANYWHERE," said Sean. "I see Shang Tsung's > been playing video games a bit." WAND: Kirby and Dance Dance Revolution, but still... MMK : GO GO GO GO GO GO GO-GO-GO! > "Yes I have, and sucking their souls," said Shang to Sean. EMMY: The souls of the videogames? WAND: Revisionist theology! It's what's hot! > "You'll see just what I have in store this time." TIFF : What have you got, exactly? I have fifty dollars on me... MMK : Let's see... Well, just about everything's fifty dollars. > Liu Kang caught Shang coming in with a side kick, MMK : SCENE! [MMK, TBS, and EMMY stand up. MMK mimes opening a saloon door and walking in with TBS.] EMMY : Sorry, sir, you'll have to leave your side-kick at the door. MMK : You heard him! Go stand outside, Tonto. TBS : But it's cold out. MMK : Well, you won't be so cold after my DRAGON FIREBALL! [MMK launches a fiery projectile at TBS.] TBS : Aieee! SHINKUU HADOKEN, kemosabe! [TBS retaliates with a series of projectiles.] MMK : SUPER DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION ATTACK! [MMK breaks off fighting and starts to breakdance. TBS joins him.] EMMY : Hey, Shang, looks like you left your Injun running. MMK: END SCENE! [MMK, TBS, and EMMY bow and sit back down.] EMMY: Why did I just do that? Z-BOT: You're drunk. EMMY: You shut your mouth, waffle pirate! Z-BOT: Now that's not nice. > then followed it up with a > > "DRAGON FIREBALL!" Shang was knocked back hard. Shang then tried > an aerial attack, but Liu caught him with an > > "AIR DRAGON FIREBALL!" > > Shang Tsung staggered, then put his hands on his hips, ALL: And when he dips you dip we dip! > letting Noob Saibot come in. Liu Kang then tried a > > "FLYING SIDE KICK," > > but Noob teleported down, reappeared under Liu Kang, then picked up the > Shaolin warrior TBS: On your right, Shaolin Warrior. MMK: Fighting next to lovely Shaolin Sea! TIFF: In historic Shaolin Field! WAND: You're all fuckers. > and slammed him. Liu Kang bowed, and Ryu caught Noob right in > the face with a flying kick. Noob then tried his > > "GHOST FIREBALL." TBS: Who ya gonna call? ALL: ... TBS : We-e-ell? > He hit Ryu, totally disabling his blocking ability. MMK: Ryu was stuck using the half of the cabinet that had the half-broken joystick and the Fierce Kick that was stuck. > Noob then tried to run > in, but ran into a > > "HA-DO-KEN!" > > Noob fell back, only to jump in and get caught by a > > "SHO-RYU-KEN!" TIFF: ...are you really getting caught if you jump into the attack like a moron? > Noob then tried to clone himself, TBS: But got stopped by Congress' human cloning bill. > but Ryu super-jumped and hit Noob coming > down with a jump-punch, jump kick, sweep kick combo. > Noob was tripped up, and Ryu hit Noob with a > > "TATSU-MAKI-SEN-PU-KYAKU!" TBS: "Barf!" said Noob Saibot. > Noob staggered. Noob then put his hands on his hips, and Shang Tsung came > out again. > > Ryu then tried to hit Shang Tsung, but WHOA! EMMY: ...he turned into Keanu Reeves without warning? > Now he was facing Zangief. MMK: Impossible. To play Zangief, you'd have to kill...him... [A beat.] ALL: THAT BASTARD KILLED ZANGIEF! > Shang Tsung in a Zangief morph grabbed Ryu up and > Spinning-Piledrived him. > > "WATCH OUT FOR MORPHS," TIFF: Oh, and WATCH OUT FOR SNAKES, too. > said Liu Kang. "Tsung can do that to you at any time, and now I think he > can morph back as well." MMK : Again, these are things that should have come to my attention *YESTERDAY*! > Shang Tsung became himself again, and drilled Ryu with some TBS: ...doggie tricks. > "GROUND FIREBALLS!" > > Ryu was thrown up in the air, and Shang Tsung then turned into Mileena and WAND: ...never had to leave the house again. > performed the > > "TELEPORT SAI COMBO SPECIALITY!" TIFF: WITH A SIDE OF FRIES! > Ryu was hit by a teleport, then Shang Tsung as Mileena then dived down, > uppercutted Ryu with a sai, threw him up, and drove him to the ground > with multiple sai thrusts. Ryu was stunned a bit, WAND: *Stunned?* He's a friggin' piece of *Swiss cheese*! > and he turned his head, allowing Liu > Kang to flying-kick in. Shang Tsung morphed back, and tried a > > "FIREBALL" MMK: That's it? No Shinkuu? No Combo Specialty? No side of fries? TBS: I think I'm disappointed. WAND: Really? TBS: No, no, on second thought, I might just be hungry for some fries. WAND: Ah. > on Liu Kang, but the Shaolin warrior was ready. MMK : DRAGON SLAVE! > Liu jumped high, and hit Shang with a jump-kick, low punch, > sweep kick, spinning wheel-kick combo. Shang then put his > hands on his hips. TIFF : And with a jump to the right... > Liu came flying in with a > > "FLYING SIDE KICK," WAND: I have a mental image of Ryoga acting like this at a karate meet. It is strangely enthralling. > but was caught right in the kisser with Noob Saibot's foot. ALL: Stock footage! > Noob then tried to attack, but Liu recovered, > > "MORTAL DRAGON FIREBALL!" TIFF: You know, it works better if the dragon is immortal, so... EMMY: Tiff... TIFF: What? EMMY: Don't. TIFF: But I... ALL: JUST DON'T! > The Ghost Fireball Noob threw was totally wiped out, and Noob took a > tremendous hit. TBS: Off the bong! > Noob staggered, but hit Kang quick with a > > "CLONE THROW." WAND: Yes, Noob Saibot has the amazing ability to chuck Ben Reilly at his opponents at will! > Liu Kang was flipped high and slammed to the ground. Liu Kang then bowed, > and Ryu came flying in. Noob blocked, then swept Ryu down. Ryu got up, [EMMY yawns, stretches, and smacks his lips.] > and watched Noob perform the motion for a > > "GHOST FIREBALL LIFT!" WAND: Well, with everything else, Ryu with the Spellcraft proficiency shouldn't be a surprise... > Ryu super-jumped it just in time and slammed Noob Saibot from above with a > > "TATSU-MAKI-SEN-PU-KYAKU!" Noob acted like he was hurt, but all of a > sudden, as Ryu advanced, Noob uppercutted Ryu three times, then nailed > him with a > > SUPER GHOST FIREBALL. > > Ryu was mad at being faked out, and charged Noob, TIFF: Best martial artist alive, huh? MMK : Charging foul, white number 10! TBS: Ryu *is* Hanamichi Sakuragi! > but Noob raised his hands high, MMK : ...and accepted the foul? > and Shang Tsung came out. Ryu parried Shang's attack, then while > Shang was bowing in after a hit, Ryu slammed him with a TBS: Folding chair! Folding chair! MMK: BOOT TO DA HEAD! BOOT TO DA HEAD! > "SHINKU HA-DO-KEN!" MMK: ...well, that works, too. > Shang Tsung had no chance of surviving the 30-hit fireball beam attack. TIFF : You have *no hope* of survival! > He was knocked totally unconscious. Noob and Liu Kang then came in. Noob > then tried to get a jump on Liu Kang, but was blocked and Noob flew up > into the air. TBS : I can fly! I can fly! EMMY : Just keep your happy thoughts... > Liu Kang then hit Noob with a 1-2 punch, round kick, wheel kick > combo while in the air. MMK : I *can't land*! Help! > Noob was reeling real fast, WAND: This here bass was tryin' to put up a fight! > and Ryu jumped in. Thinking Ryu wasn't paying attention, EMMY : All I'm doin' is trying to kill him. He'll ignore me. > Noob tried the > > "TELEPORT THROW" > > again, but Ryu blocked it. As Noob flew up and was coming down, TBS : See? Here's how you land! MMK : Hey, thanks! > Ryu performed the > > "SHIN-SHO-RYU-KEN!" TBS : ...bugger. > Noob was slammed hard three times and was also knocked totally unconscious. WAND: Because if he was dead, then the story would become a bit dark. TIFF: But sucking people's souls out with a straw is fun for the whole family! > AFTER THE INVADER BATTLE, EASTERN SHAOLIN ISLAND > > "It's over," said Liu Kang. "We did it, Shinnok's forces are down." WAND : They're the downest dead boys I know! > "But Shinnok still remains," said Rayden. "As long as he lives, we aren't > safe." MMK: But he doesn't have any evil plans! EMMY: He's trying to take over the world, idiot. MMK: Oh, and that automatically makes him evil, huh? > "James and Chris will take care of him," said Sean. "They defeated > Apocalypse and Motaro together." MMK : Remind me again and I promote Mel over you. EMMY : Damn nepotist. > "But Shinnok's different from Tsung," said Rayden. "He can directly link > to a person's life power and morph into them, inflicting the damage on > their life power and wind rather than his own." WAND : ...and dude, you do *not* want to see the motions for *that* move. > "Ouch," said Johnny Cage. ALL : ...that hurt. > "Then, how do we watch w/o being called suspicious..." Z-BOT : "w/o...?" TIFF: There's a stunning amount of *effort* that's gone into this-- EMMY: Look, we *know* this has vast problems! Just stop harping on it! > "I've got a way," said a red ninja coming out of the bushes. EMMY: Wasabi, sit down. > "Ermac, you no good....," started Scorpion. TBS : ...hot, sexy stud, you! > "Hold on, guys," said the ninja, pulling off his mask. ALL: Jinkies! TBS: It's old man Withers! > "It's Ken." TBS: I could have sworn it was old man Withers. MMK : You mean somewhere, Ermac is wandering around *naked*? That is revolting! > "Great idea!" exclaimed Guile. "We could disguise ourselves as Lin Kueis." EMMY : Then we go to Shinnok's house, ring the doorbell, yell "Trick or Treat!" and he'll give us candy! ALL: Yeah! > "Shinnok will recognize us easily," said Scorpion. "and if he thinks you > are us, he'll kill you." > > "True," said Blanka. WAND : So how about you guys go up first and we'll be right behind you? > "But if Ken's Ermac and Ryu can be Noob, then maybe we have a chance," said > Chun-Li. TBS : Let's see... can I play Mileena? Tee hee! > "It's worth a shot," said Kitana. Ken nodded, "Now watch this!" Ken put > on the mask and then lifted up his arm. He telekinetically lifted up a > bush by lifting his hand, and when he dropped his hand, the bush dropped > to the ground. WAND: Ah, I see. Ken dressed up as one of those pesky Jedi Lin Kueis. TBS: That or Ermac must have been a bitching gardener. > Ken then suddenly shouted > > "SHIN-RYU-KEN!" EMMY : ...so you want me to shin-kick you? TIFF : *Do* I?! > and a tremendous geyser of fire erupted right in front of him. TBS: So long, bushes. We'll remember you fondly. > "And we even have their moves," said Ken. WAND : But we're still doing the same damn attack calls, so he'll figure out it's us anyway! EMMY: Ken, neither you nor Ermac have the Raijin Upper. Stop that. > Ryu then took the outer garments off of Noob Saibot and put them > on himself. MMK : Oh, sure, strip me naked while I'm unconscious, whydoncha? Why not just take my wallet too while you're at it? TBS : Already did. MMK : Why, you little runt! TBS : Hey! He's got monogrammed underwear! > "Perfect fit," said Ryu. "We'll never be detected now." TBS : Hey, does your outfit smell like guacamole? > "You're our only hope if James and Chris fail," said Rayden. EMMY: Yes, that's not really likely, so... > "Akuma and Wolverine will be consumed by their evil in their souls." WAND: That's nice, so... > "Or now Ermac and Noob Saibot," said Chun Li. > > "Right," said Ken. MMK : ...what are we talking about again? > "You have to go to Shaolin Tournament Mountain now," said Rayden. > "Time's running out, and Shinnok's going to be angry...." MMK : He doesn't like it when you're late for tea... EMMY : And he gets angry... *very* angry... TBS : You wouldn't like him when he's angry. ALL: SO SHUT UP AND GO! > "Good luck Ken and Ryu," said Guile. "This is real admirable the > mission you're going on." WAND : ...hel*lo*, Chunny. Ryu? Forget him. Let's talk about *us*. > "Good luck, buddy," said Blanka to Ken. > > "Kick some Shinnok butt with the SHO-RYU-REPPA," said Sean. WAND: "SHO-RYU-REPPA?" That sounds like an Asian Pride rap group. EMMY: Yeah, I can see-- [A horribly loud backbeat appears from nowhere, causing everyone but MMK to cover their ears in pain.] MMK : "SHO" to the "RYU" to the "R-E-P-P-A!" Straight out of Shaolin Island and we're here to fuc-kin' STAY! [MMK sits back down. A beat.] WAND : I wasn't serious. MMK <^_^ing>: Oh, I know. > "Be cool with the attitude..., " said Sub-Zero, > > "hot with the attacks," then Scorpion. WAND : ...how did we end up like this? EMMY : I do not know... I do not know... > "The biggest obstacle is yourself," said Liu Kang to Ryu and Ken. TIFF : Specifically, I need to use the bathroom, and you're standing in front of the door. > "Use the element that brings life," said Kitana. MMK: "Catchphrase," said Poorly Written Character. TBS: "Lame Catchphrase," said Other Poorly Written Character. Z-BOT: "Lame and Second-Hand Catchphrase," said Other Poorly Written Character. EMMY: "Shut the Fuck Up and *Go*," said Irritable Reader. > "It's time," said Johnny Cage. WAND : Look, I appreciate all the words of wisdom, but... can we just freaking *go* now? MMK : Not yet! I still have to narrate the history of Mortal Kombat, your destinies for joining this tournament, the terrible fate that befalls the earth if you fail, the ways to program a VCR... WAND : ...that's it! I'm out of here. > "Get the job done." Sakura then said to Ryu, "I love you. Please come back > alive. I know you'll kick butt." TBS: Not to mention that when you DO come back to me, you'll-- [TIFF's chainsaw suddenly pierces TBS's chest from the back of his seat. TIFF hasn't moved.] EMMY: Uh... do we want to know how you did that? TIFF: No. EMMY: Right. [MMK, EMMY, and WAND hold up signs saying 9.7, 8.9, and 7.6, respectively.] WAND : Amateur. > Ryu and Ken nodded, then they advanced towards Shaolin Tournament Mountain. > They knew the last encounter would be nasty between James/Chris TIFF: Even the author can't tell them apart. > and Shinnok, and they rushed to the scene. > > Disguised as Ermac and Noob, Shinnok never sensed their presence by the > mountain. WAND: He did smell something faintly like guacamole... EMMY: Nice ESP, Shinnok! Way to be psychic! > CHAPTER 20: REUNION WITH MASTER SEMA, OR IS IT? TIFF: Three guesses what the correct answer is. The first two don't count. > SHAOLIN TOURNAMENT MOUNTAIN: CENTER OF SHAOLIN ISLAND WAND: Near the water fountain... MMK : Beside the town hall... TBS : Off to the side of the convenience store... Z-BOT : Over the river, through the woods- EMMY : Okay, *stop*! TBS : And there you are! EMMY: Argh. > James and Chris had finally finished climbing Shaolin Tournament Mountain. TIFF , EMMY : Yo-de-le-hee yo-de-le-hee yo-de-lei-hee-hoo! WAND : RIIIIIII-CO-LAAAAAAAAAA! TBS : Where's the horn? WAND : I thought *you* brought the horn. TBS : Fuck! > They had reached the top. Amazingly on top of the > mountain, there was a shack. MMK: *Amazingly*! EMMY: It's for the bears, when they happen to be going over. TBS : You'd think Shinnok would be living in opulent luxury. WAND : Well, he is. Look! Thatched rosewood leaf roof. > James and Chris, looking for Shinnok, TIFF : Ah-HA! I GOT... hmm. Nope, not there either... > opened the door and walked into the house. Amazingly inside, MMK: *Amazingly*-- EMMY: There was a farmer sowing the corn, that kept the cock that crowed in the morn-- TBS: That walked the priest all shaven and shorn, that married the man all tattered and torn-- Z-BOT: That kissed the maiden all forlorn, that milked the cow with the crumpled horn-- TIFF: That tossed the dog, that worried the cat-- WAND: That killed the rat, that ate the malt-- ALL: That lay in the shack that Shinnok built. [A pause.] TBS: Wait, why's the farmer sewing corn in the cabin? EMMY: ...he just does. TBS: Did it work? EMMY: Shut up. > Master Sema seemed to be there...... MMK : *Amazingly*, Master Sema seemed to be there! TBS : Or again, he might not be. He seemed to be there at the time... WAND : I disbelieve the illusion! > "MASTER SEMA! HOW COULD YOU BE ALIVE?" asked James. TIFF : What do you mean, how could I be alive? MMK : Well, I remember selling off each of your internal organs... WAND : And I distinctly remember there were lots of snacks during your cremation... > "I somehow survived that Akuma attack," said Master Sema. Z-BOT : Blah blah blah, plot macguffin, I'm back now! Who wants frogurt? > "I got up, and sensed your presence in the tournament. TBS : I could see that you were using the SEMA-SIGNAL! TIFF : I sense their presence! TO THE SEMA-CAVE! WAND: He senses them in the East China Sea. From New Jersey. James and Chris are supposed to buy this. EMMY: Yeah? So? WAND: I think I just discovered a new tenet for Ryoga's work. All original characters must have powers that outpace every last one of the canon characters. MMK: Bet they make bitching parfaits, too. WAND: Yes, that... what? MMK: 'Cause, I mean, none of the *canon* characters would be able to make very good parfaits. I mean, Reptile's would be all covered in acid, Ryu's idea of a parfait would be an apple in water-- WAND: Well, then, yes. Yes they could. They could make parfaits-- MMK: *Bitching* parfaits? WAND: The most *bitching parfaits in the world*. Sure. MMK: Well, then. Good. My hypothesis was correct. WAND: *Your* hypothesis. TBS: Nooooo, he's MMK. EMMY: HEY! No talky from the little green thing! > I came here and watched the whole battle scene down there while > I felt your presence." Z-BOT : And I was disappointed. Now, *Chicago*, on the other hand, has a *vibrant* battle scene. WAND: You *damn* right. > Something felt funny to James. TBS: Well, yeah. What with Sema feeling his presence-- [EMMY headbutts him.] TBS: Ow. > He saw Master Sema DIE right in front of his eyes from the RAGING DEMON! WAND: BUT HE NEVER EVEN SAW AKUMA *DO* THE FUCKING-- EMMY : Hey, Wanderer, look. Booze! WAND: H-eeeey! [WAND takes the bottle.] > There's no way Master Sema in the right mind could have been revived > even after Akuma lost control, at least to James. TBS: How about Master Sema a little eccentric? Could he have been revived? MMK: Or even Master Sema in the left mind? TBS: Master Sema slightly-insane? MMK: Master Sema Jokerized? TBS: Master Sema the-clinically-insane-but-insists-he's-okily-dokily-fine? MMK: Master Sema the-- WAND: Stop that, both of you. > "So, what's been happening?" asked James. TBS : Nothing much. Just laying here. Watching the game. Drinking some Bud-- TIFF : WHAZZAAAAAAAP! TBS : WHAZZAAAAAAAP! [TBS waggles his tongue around.] > "Nothing much, James. Have you been practicing?" asked Master Sema. TIFF : We just flattened Apocalypse and Motaro!! What do you call *that*?! EMMY : You're SELF-INSERT AVATARS! You should be able to take down... [counts on fingers] ...Rugal, Salamander, Goenitz, Orochi, Gill, Sephiroth, Geese, Krizalid, Zero, Jedah, *and* Pyron--I mean, go *straight through them* like shit through a goose--in five seconds! *Five*! WAND : What, really? EMMY : Oh, for--look, watch this. [MMK strolls by.] MMK : Hi, I'm Jesus Christ, and I'm essentially responsible for the entire known universe. EMMY : HeeYA! [EMMY pokes MMK in the chest, who dramatically throws himself backwards and lies unmoving as if dead.] MMK : IT BURNS! WAND : Ohhh. Okay. TIFF : I get it! WAND : You're the greatest ever, Sema! MMK : Ex*cuse* me! I'm *dying* over here! EMMY : Why, no! *You two* are the greatest ever! *Ever ever*! MMK : Hey! Dying for your *fucking sins* here! Hel-*looooo*! [EMMY kicks him in the ribs.] MMK : Ow! > "Something seems fishy here," said Chris to James. "Be careful...." TIFF: Yeah. Nice improv theater, fuckbakes. WAND: Fine. Next time, you get to be the Morrigu. TIFF: Ooh. > "Yes I have, sir," said James. "Every day." TBS : Are you even listening to me? WAND : No. > "And I hear you defeated Akuma and Wolverine," said Master Sema. MMK : So, how'd you cheat? You must've. > "I did," said James. TIFF : Did you get their autographs? > "And the 3 Ninjas, along with Apocalypse and Motaro," said Master Sema. > > "True," repled James. "It's a fact...." TBS: ...Jack. > Chris got even more nervous. EMMY : And I hear you defeated the entire cast of Tekken. WAND : That's right. TIFF : This doesn't seem like a good idea. EMMY : And then you beat Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. WAND : They had it comin'. TIFF : Please stop talking. > He smelled a rat. MMK: *Amazingly*, he smelled a rat! TIFF : "Luxury shack," indeed... What happened to the exterminator? > "Well, if you got time, I would like to spar you right now," said Master > Sema. TBS : When? OW! > "I don't," said James. "I have to fight Shinnok for the final match." EMMY : Oh, naw, the final match was scheduled for two hours ago. TBS : Oh, okay. We can fight, then! [A beat.] TBS : Wait. ...fuck! > "I know where Shinnok is," said Master Sema. "And I'll only tell you > if you fight me." MMK: Hey... I recognize him now! He's that damn old guy from Shaq-Fu! Bastard! > Chris said, "James, let's get out of here...." > > "I won't fight you, master," said James. > > "Then, I'll force you to!" Master Sema then hit James with a hard side > kick, throwing him through the shack. MMK: Yeah! Like in Clay Fighter 63 1/3! EMMY: ...*never say that again*. > Chris then came to protect his friend. WAND: Bleah. TBS: Ick. TIFF: Stop that! > "Not this time, Chris," said James. "Save your energy for Shinnok. Master > Sema's too good for me, even the two of us combined." [ALL stare blankly at the screen.] EMMY: ...So if only one of them fights, it's better? > "I know," said Chris. "But I'm going down fighting." EMMY : Oh, okay. WAND : *Ahem*, as I was saying, I'm going down fighting. EMMY : Fine, fine, do what you want, I won't stop you. WAND : ...damn. > "I smell something funny," said James. MMK : Yeah, it's a rat. I noticed that just now. > "Just be prepared for Shinnok. The > magic I use may inadvertently hit you, TBS : You need to double down instead. > so stay back please." > > Master Sema then came in and hit James with a hard flying side kick. > James was sent almost over the cliff. Chris backed off reluctantly, TIFF : ...SO! Sema! Howzabout those Maple Leafs? > "I hope you're right. I hate to see you get beat up." WAND: If only we shared the same sentiments. TBS: We do. WAND: You don't count. > Master Sema then picked James up off the ground and picked him up. > > "This is too easy......." TBS : *Too* easy! EMMY : Predictable! > James then brought his hands together and fired an > > "AKAI HA-DO-KEN" > > right into Master Sema's face. Z-BOT : I won't *spar* with you! That doesn't mean I won't *set your head on fire!* > Master Sema growled MMK : Meow. > in pain. MMK : That hurt. > Master Sema then attacked James ferociously. He hit James with a > side kick, then a very hard hook kick, then a killer reverse > punch. James was barely standing.... WAND: Translated, he was "lying in a fetal position holding his crotch and whimpering." > "SHINKU SIDE KICK!" [EMMY buries his face in his hands.] > Master Sema then threw a hard kick, but James got under it and avoided it. WAND : ...that was it? TBS : What? WAND : That was *it*? A fucking bar of Super for *that*? *One kick*? TBS : It was a *Shinkuu* Kick, damn your eyes! WAND : Hey, Kim called! He wants the Phoenix Flattener back! MMK: HEY! > "I hate to do this to you master, > > SHIN-RYU-KEN!" > > James then hit Master Sema about 16 times very hard with a rising flaming MMK: As opposed to about sixteen times very soft, but who'd notice? > Dragon Punch. Master Sema fell smoking on the other side. MMK : Are we gonna *shmoke shome weed*, nooch? WAND : Don't. Don't sing the song. [A pause.] MMK : I was gonna sing the song but then I got *high*! Z-BOT : I get high, I get high, I get high... > He got up from the ground. James now smelled something real funny now. TBS : Whoa. Rat. > No karate person, even Master Sema, got up quickly from > the SHIN-RYU-KEN while he was training at the karate school. EMMY: Of COURSE! He's a Muay Thai boxer! TBS: Give it up, Adon! We know it's you! MMK: No, no, no! You got it all wrong. It's none other than Dan Hibiki's father! Z-BOT: OYAJI!!! > "Give up while you're still alive," said Chris, but Master Sema kept up > the pummeling. TBS : PUMMELIN', To-nay! > James was nailed by a 1-2 punch, then thrown down. Master Sema then put a > devastating arm hold on James. MMK : Move number three-hundred and fifty-two... TBS, MMK: ARMBAAAAAAAR! > If it wasn't for a EMMY: Referee, who broke the hold when James got his leg up to the bottom rope... > "FLAME SWORD SLASH" > > that James threw out at the last second, Master Sema would have broken > James's arm right there. > > "Chris, this is NOT Master Sema. I'm going to expose him for who he really > is...." WAND: Maybe he's Hoi from Martial Champions. > Master Sema then pulled a knife out. [TIFF spittakes.] TIFF: *RYUJI*? TBS : I am #@)$ing unsatisfied to be portrayed in this &^%)ing manner. > James blocked him coming in. MMK: *Amazingly*, James blocked him coming in! WAND: The best defence against a knife? *Holding your arms up*! > James then restrained Master Sema by the neck and the weapon > hand. After disarming the knife, James threw Master Sema away and > the knife off the mountain. TIFF: He was later fined for littering. EMMY: Why would someone throw away a perfectly good Master Sema? > "James, finish him, before he finshes you," yelled Chris, TBS: It's too late! He's *finshed*! > but Master Sema then hit James with another hook kick. > > James seemed out of it, and Master Sema came in again. James stunned him > with a quick, hard side kick. EMMY: But was it a *Shinkuu* Side Kick? > James then super-jumped. Master Sema then tried to jump, but James > had enough time to summon any chi power he had for his ultimate move: TIFF: Shinku Akai Messatsu Go Shin something. Whatever. > "TRUE-MAGIC!" TBS: Must be the Doug Henning school of Shotokan. TIFF: ...huh. > A large, bright white light filled the area. The magic seemed to have > a tremendous effect on Master Sema. ALL: BUT IT DIDN'T! MMK : Psyche! > True-Magic was a legendary spell given to an ancestor of James many > years ago, TIFF: Who, Chaz Ashley? TBS: Chaz wouldn't give rise to *this*. WAND: All I got from *my* ancestors was a predilection for alcoholism. I feel gypped. > totally exposing or killing evil beings, pending on their power. Z-BOT: So it's a scrub move. TIFF: Has to be. > James found the spell on a scroll years later in a family chest of old > memories. WAND: It was right there with the Led Zeppelin albums and Beatles posters. MMK : Hey! Lovin' Spoonful albums! > He remembered it, and it took its effect on Master Sema. He was > screaming so loud in pain, suddenly his voice changed to a voice very > similar..... TBS : Watashi no namae wa... MECHA BARABURA SOTURISANDU! EMMY : Barbara Streisand? NOOOOO!!! > "IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!" It was Shinnok's voice. WAND: Seemingly, of course. MMK: *Amazingly*! TIFF: Believe it... *or not*! > CHAPTER 21: THE INNOCENT vs. THE EVIL: FINAL ENCOUNTER [Wild cheering from ALL except EMMY.] WAND: We're about to be *free*! EMMY: We can never be free. The scars... will not heal. The nightmares... will not go away. We shall ever be-- [WAND smacks EMMY.] EMMY: Thanks. I needed that. WAND: De nada, goth-ass. > FINAL BATTLE: SHAOLIN TOURNAMENT MOUNTAIN > > "KIDS, WAND: Don't try this at home. MMK: Yeah! Your school's usually the best place for this. TBS: Or even a short time in a seedy motel. [TIFF growls.] Z-BOT: What is "this," anyway? Would anyone care to elaborate? [Everyone else whistles innocently.] > KIDS, WAND: Ah, Chloe Sevingny, where are you now? > KIDS, HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING! TIFF : Hate hate HATE! > I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAW PAST THAT DISGUISE," MMK : I had a beard and everything! > yelled Shinnok. He was using Master Sema's soul for a morph! MMK : I'D LIKE TO HAVE A MORPH, PLEASE. WAND : That'll be one soul. MMK : HMM... [rifles through his pockets] I HAVE A MASTER SEMA HERE. IS IT ENOUGH? WAND : It's rather old, and looks pretty used up, but sure, it'll do. MMK : GREAT! THANKS! WAND : You're welcome. Oh, and I don't have any evil plans. > "You'll never rule this world," said James. "Good always triumphs over > evil. WAND: *Someone's* never been to the Dungeon Keeper node. EMMY: Or the Deception node. > Being young doesn't mean kids aren't powerful enough or > responsible enough to save their world if they have to." Z-BOT: Especially if they have a hockey stick! WAND : Heck, I'm *seventeen* years old! Saving the world isn't an option, it's a requirement. MMK : SEVENTEEN? WAND : Yep. MMK : ...AREN'T YOU A LITTLE TOO OLD FOR THIS GIG? > "I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU BEAT APOCALYPSE AND MOTARO, BUT YOUR ROAD > ENDS HERE!" yelled Shinnok. MMK : You have defeated the strongest challenge, the second strongest challenge, the weakest challenge, and the second weakest challenge. Now you will feel the TRUE POWER of being third! > Chris then looked at James, "Is this the time?" TBS : Yes, it's time...TO PAR-TAAAAY!!! > "Now, we both fight," said James. "For our lives, for our world, for >ourselves, EMMY: For little Timmy! MMK: For free parking! WAND: For booze around the world! TBS: For great justice! >for MIGHT FOR RIGHT!" Z-BOT: Yeah! Those who win the fight are the policy makers! You *go*! Ha ha ha ha... what am I saying? WAND: The truth, unfortunately. > Chris then nodded. He knew that James meant business, and Shinnok was big > trouble. Both James and Chris were prepared to give it their all. > > "YOU PATHETIC KIDS! IT'S ALMOST UNBELIEVABLE THAT YOU MADE IT HERE, LET > ALONE FIGHT ME? TIFF : HOLD ON... I THINK I SAW THE CAPS LOCK AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE... > Well, I'll take two innocent lives, TIFF : There. MMK : You sound better already. TIFF : Thank you. > probably more innocent than the ones I have taken, Z-BOT: James and Chris are *innocent*? [snorts] Puh-leaze. TBS: I think you lose your innocence after the second or third time you kill. > for kids are considered the most innocent in the world," said Shinnok. WAND : ...uh, dude? Not really. EMMY : Where does he get this crap? > "Not this time," said James. "This time, you're the one going down, > Netherealm god." TBS : And no teeth this time. TIFF : Snot... > Shinnok then blew a green explosion fireball MMK: Out his nose? ALL: Eww... > at James and Chris. Chris > jumped back, while James super-jumped and hit Shinnok hard > from above with a diving kick. MMK: Then Kim Kaphwan ran in and Houou Kyaku'ed his munchkin ass. > "It has begun," said Chris. WAND: This is just sad. He's ripping off lines from *everywhere*. MMK : Popples pop just for you! WAND: ...huh? > Shinnok recovered easily then threw a > > "GREEN KI-KO-KEN!" EMMY: Ryoga, the *color* does not make it *more powerful*... > James nullified it with a > > "AKAI HA-DO-KEN," Z-BOT: Now it's all festive and Christmasy! > but Shinnok had already recovered and attacked with a > > "MESSATU TENN-SHOO-KYAKU!" EMMY: New rule in Ryogaworld--all attacks become much more powerful when given a prefix. MMK: Let's try it out. SHINKUU... [MMK's hands glow. Everyone else runs for cover.] MMK: HADOU... NO KAMAE!!! [Nothing. Everyone else glares at MMK.] MMK: But it was more powerful! It scared you, instead of just confusing you! WAND: ...Shinkuu mudhole-stomp MMK. [Violence ensues.] > James realized then that Shinnok didn't need to morph or have a soul to > use anybody's move. > > "Be careful Chris," said James. "He's capable of ANYTHING!" MMK : I'm *capable* of anything, but would I actually do everything? After all, *I* don't have any evil plans. > James then jumped another green explosion fireball, and hit Shinnok hard > with a > > "DOWNWARD FLAME SWORD SHOT!" EMMY: Oh, come on! Now you're just making your moves up as you go! > Shinnok recovered super-quickly and hit James with a > > "MESSATU SHO-RYU-KEN!" > > James staggered back. > > Shinnok then tried a > > "FLYING SIDE KICK," TBS: Must be in his Lance Storm form. Z-BOT: Lance Storm does Messatu Sho-Ryu-Kens? TBS: Lance Storm can do *anything*! > but James blocked it, uppercutted Shinnok, 1-2 punch, medium-jump-kicked, > down-shot punch comboed Shinnok down to the ground. MMK: 49-character past tense verb! Can *you* beat that? > Shinnok recovered a little slow this time. > > "AKAI HA-DO-KEN!" > > James tried his attack, but Shinnok then took his staff, TBS : Dick joke! > "ROYAL CRUSH!" TIFF : Got my pride I got my Royal Crush... > Imitating Gambit, WAND: ...Shinnok got Howard Mackie to fuck up his backstory. > Shinnok nailed James hard with about thirty cards moving about 300 MPH. EMMY: Bitchin' paper cuts, man. Ow. MMK: [Paper Storm] > James was hurt pretty bad after that one.... > > "No one can defeat me......," boasted Shinnok, but he wasn't watching James > putting a chop over his shoulder. TBS : Here, Chris, dinner! MMK : FOOD! MINE! > Chris came out flying, and he hit Shinnok in the back of the head. The > Netherealm god staggered, then Chris cross-slashed him. Shinnok then > fired a > > "KINETIC CREDIT CARD!" > > at Chris, EMMY : The Netherrealm will take any soul, but they won't take American Expre--URK! Z-BOT : Wanna *bet*, fucker? > but Chris dodged the attack with a super jump, then jump-slashed, > jump-kicked, and sweep-kicked the Netherealmer. TIFF: Hey! Tekken physics! TBS: Yay! > Shinnok recovered quickly, then turned his hands into Tiger claws > and double up-axhandled Chris, WAND: Does anyone else find it strange to watch a demonic emperor using basic wrestling moves? > then hit him hard with two double-axhandles, MMK: Oh my God! He killed Tiger Mask! THE BASTARD TOOK TIGER MASK'S SOUL! TIFF: You mean King? MMK: No, not KING! TIGER MASK! > a cross-swipe, and a jump kick. Shinnok then hit Chris > with a fast forward slash. > > "IT'S SABERTOOTH'S ATTACK," yelled James. TBS: See, Knight? It wasn't Tiger Mask. MMK: Oh. ...and for a moment, I thought Ryoga had an ounce of class. > "Throw him on another one of those slashes." WAND: Thanks, Skip! > Shinnok tried it again, but Chris deflected it and caught Shinnok's arm. EMMY: Yep, because you *never* change your tactics after your opponent's partner has just tipped him off. TIFF: For that matter, if he's got access to every special out there, why the fuck would he use one of *Sabertooth's* attacks twice in a row? MMK: I think it's because he doesn't have any evil plans. Just a guess. > He then threw down the Netherealmer and then tried an > arm-breaker, but Shinnok whacked Chris hard with his staff. TBS: Are you *absolutely sure* that this isn't-- ALL: SHUT UP, SNOT! > Chris then tried to move in, but Shinnok nailed Chris with a > > "GREEN KI-KO-SHO!" > > Chris was slammed hard by the green energy forcefield, and was > knocked back. Shinnok once again laughed, but caught a hard kick > by James after Chris raised his stick. > > Shinnok then tried to nail James with a > > "DEMON SCREAM," TIFF: OHHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! [ALL males cringe.] > but James jumped it and double-kicked Shinnok. James then tried another > attack, but Shinnok caught James with a > > "FLYING DRAGON KICK!" > > James fell down hard smoking. MMK : What's the matter with these cigarettes? TBS : I don't get it, either. I got good quality wrappings... MMK : What didya use? TBS : Just copies of the fanfictions starring us. > James stopped, dropped, and rolled. > > "JUST ANOTHER ONE TRYING TO BEAT ME!" boasted Shinnok, MMK: HE'S JUST! ANOTHER! VICTIM! WHOOOOOO! > as he fired another > green explosion fireball. James jumped it, > > and hit Shinnok hard as he was coming down again. James hit Shinnok > again with a jumping punch, then summoned some ki: > > "SHO-RYU-REPPA!" Z-BOT: PaReppa the Rapper. Coming soon to PlayStation. 'Course, no one told *Sony* that. > James pounded ten hits to Shinnok's solar-plexus, then placed a chop > over his shoulder. MMK : Here, Chris! TBS : Mmm! BEEFY! > Shinnok tried to hit Chris coming in, but was > too late and caught another foot. > > "SPEED-UP!" > > Chris was now no longer slower than the speedy Shinnok. The Netherealmer > then tried a > > "MESSATU KO-RYU-KEN," > > but Chris easily saw that one coming. He dodged, and just as Shinnok came > down, Chris performed his > > "RUSHING SLAM!" MMK: Mamushka! Hoo wah! WAND: *Rushing*! Not Russian! MMK: You're no fun. > Shinnok hit the ground hard. Shinnok recovered, then fired a green beam at > Chris. He dodged it, then tried to attack from overhead. > .Shinnok then performed a > > "MESSATU SHINKU...." TBS: NOTHING! YOU SO STOOOOPID! > Chris was nailed by the Super Move. Recovering quickly, Chris performed > his > > "INVINCIBLITY." TIFF : Jeez. Why didn't I think of that earlier? > Shinnok then tried a green explosion fireball. It didn't work, WAND: Oops. Take three Paradox, Shinny. TBS : Damn it! > and even worse, Shinnok was stunned because the move reflected > Shinnok's attack right back on him. TIFF : Did I say "invincibility?" I clearly *meant* "Psycho Reflector!" > Chris then performed his WAND: ...medley of Cole Porter classics? > "RUSHING LIGHT SPEED ATTACK!" EMMY: He ran around the world against its rotation and hit Shinnok before the fight! TBS : Ow! Even if I *had* evil plans, I haven't thought of them yet! > He drilled Shinnok 92,000 times in two seconds. MMK : WHAT'S3+5?WHAT'S9-3?WHAT'S8+0?WHAT'S5-6? Z-BOT : But five is le-- MMK : YOU FAILED!! Z-BOT : WAAAAHHHH!!! NO FAIR! MEANIE!! > "It's over," said James. "He can't possibly get up from that." WAND: Well, yeah. I mean, ninety-two thousand times?! EMMY: Must've been a slow night. > "Oh no it's not, James," yelled Shinnok. TBS : I get drilled like that *all the time*! TIFF: YOU LITTLE-- > He threw a > > "MESSATU HA-DO-KEN" > > at Chris, then performed the ALL but MMK: MEXICAN HAT DANCE! MMK: HIBBIDY-JIBBIDY OF REGRET! > "RAGING DEMON!" > > It looked like he had Chris good. The white light started to shine > brightly.......... EMMY: He's letting his dim light shine. > James covered his eyes, he was so worried..... > > "SHO-RYU-SLASH!" MMK : ...Cloud and Sephiroth wouldn't do this shit! > Chris somehow survived the RAGING DEMON! MMK: *Incredible!* WAND: It's his Mary Sue Infinite Life Bar AMAZING CHI POWER! EMMY: It must be the shoes. > James couldn't believe it, and Shinnok was almost spent. > > "HOCKEY PUCK!" > > The Netherealmer was totally out of it, while Chris hit with a 1-2 punch, > front thrust-round kick, spinning back fist combo. > > Shinnok then hit Chris somehow with a down-punch, spinning elbow combo, > > "OH-RAH!" TBS: Brickabracka firecracker sis-boom-bah, Bugs Bunny! Bugs Bunny! Rah rah rah! EMMY: We worship one god! He is the sun god! Ra! Ra! Ra! > "WATCH OUT FOR THOSE NASTY FIGHTING MOVES," said James. MMK: Yeah. I mean, those World Heroes moves are cheap! > "It's Shinnok's last hope......" WAND: What, to *hit* you fuckers? I should hope so! > Shinnok then tried a spinning kick into a jump kick combo, but Chris > already raised his stick up high, and James came in. > > "Don't even try iron-fisted moves on me," said James, as he caught > Shinnok going up for a flip kick, TIFF: Ah, the rare iron-fisted *kick*. > then slammed the Netherealmer on > the ground, but the Netherealmer still had one more chance, Z-BOT: Grovelling. > "MESSATU SHIN-RYU-KEN!" > > James just side-stepped the attack.... TIFF: ...so he's using Vs. game rules... *and* a KOF sidestep? WAND: My God, he's achieved munchkin arete! > "NOW CHRIS! DOUBLE-TEAM!" > > Chris nodded, then joined his friend quickly... > > "SHINKU AKAI HA-DO-KEN!" yelled James as an intense red fireball beam > flew out of his hands.. > > "MULTIPLE HOCKEY PUCK!" yelled Chris as he started to let pucks fly. > > Shinnok was leveled with the combined attack. He was too weak, and > had almost every bone in his body broken. Shinnok was in > tremendous pain when Ermac and Noob Saibot appeared..... MMK : Hi, boss. We wanted to talk to you about renewing our contracts. TBS : Not... good... timing... urgh... > "Ermac, Noob, kill them!" bellowed Shinnok in pain. TIFF: ...note how he can *talk* with every bone in his body broken. > "The only one who's going down is YOU, Master Shinnok," said Ermac. TBS: No intact bones means one *hell* of a ride! Giddyap! > Ermac then telekinetically slammed Shinnok, then Noob grabbed Shinnok > then started to bounce-slam Shinnok until he fell on the sharp rocks > in the center of the mountain. MMK : WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? *I DIDN'T HAVE ANY EVIL PL*--URK! > Noob then re-appeared. WAND: Well, at least there's one thing good about it... TIFF: One? WAND: Yeah. At least James and Chris didn't chop his head off. Z-BOT: That's good? WAND: Yes, it is. > AFTER THE BATTLE: SHAOLIN TOURNAMENT MOUNTAIN: CENTER OF SHAOLIN > ISLAND MMK: And in a moment, the results of that trial. > "Ermac? Noob? How could it be?" asked Chris. > > "I think I know who they are," said James. TBS: Mystery guests, sign in please! > "Ryu! > > Ken!" TIFF: John! MMK: Marsha! WAND: Of course they're Ryu and Ken. Mary Sues are *never* wrong. TBS : Your bitterness is getting infectious, Wandy. WAND: I'm not bitter. I'm world-wearily cynical. > Ryu and Ken guiltilly took off their masks. Z-BOT : We have found you guilty of both counts of impersonation! Bailiff! Take them to the gallows! TBS : NOOOOO! I have a wife and son! >"Sorry MMK : We did it, okay?! It was going to be this one bank job. That was all! EMMY : We're young and we need the money. > if we tried to deceive you, but we were trying to disguise ourselves > so Shinnok didn't know," said Ryu. TBS: Didn't know *what*? MMK: About his own evil plans. Funny story, really... > "That's OK," said James. > > "That was very brave of you," said James. TIFF : Yeah, nice work killing the wet sack of beef back there. Aces up, douchebag. > "Shinnok's gone now, we can all go home." > > "All right," said Ken. "Finally, it's over." TBS : And finally, now we can leave! HUNTER : No, you can't. We still have two chapters left. Now sit down! [TBS sits back down and sobs.] > "I know," said Ryu. > > "May we meet the others before we go?" asked Chris. Ryu then acted > a little puzzled, WAND: ...a little too convincingly. > but then said, "All right, you two. After all, you are heroes." EMMY : At least I didn't have to job to you two wankers... > Ken then said, "Follow us. We'll take you there." ALL : We're off to see the wizard! The wonderful wizard of Oz! > CHAPTER 22: REUNION AND ADDITION EMMY: And subtraction and multiplication and even long division! Z-BOT: And Jerry Mathers as the Beaver! > DRAGON JETS: EASTERN SHAOLIN ISLAND > > "Ken and Ryu are taking too long," said Scorpion. MMK : It has been an hour and I need a Slurpee fix! > "I think we should go > after them." > > Akuma and Wolverine had joined the Street Fighters and Mortal Kombatants > by now. EMMY : If we stay very still and hold these leaves, maybe they won't see us. TIFF : Hey, it's Akuma and Wolverine! EMMY : No, no, no! We're only two innocent looking trees! TIFF : Talking trees? Wearing a gi? [A pause.] WAND : We're civilized trees. TIFF : ... EMMY : I think she bought it. TIFF : ... > "I agree," said Akuma. "Knowing them, it shouldn't have taken THIS long > to find James and Chris." TBS: Yeah, I mean they're not Ryoga and Mousse or something. > "I think it took James and Chris a little longer than expected," said > Wolverine with his raspy voice. EMMY : Still have that sore throat, huh? MMK : Yeah. For some reason, even my healing factor can't cure the common cold... TIFF : ...or lousy stereotyping. > "I'm sure Ken and Ryu didn't get > involved much knowing James's and Chris's skill." ALL: *coughcough*OTAKU MASTURBATION!*coughcough* > "But they're still kids," said Chun Li. "They shouldn't even be fighting > OUR battle." MMK: HellOOOOOOOO. Seventeen-year-old! Age at which people save the world on a regular basis! *Every* battle is their battle to fight! WAND : He speaks truth! EMMY : He does indeed! > "Oh yeah, Li?" replied Akuma smartly. "They kicked MY butt and Wolverine's > butt with authority. TBS : Respect mah AUTHO-RITAY! > They may be young, but if they can fight and are the best chance > of saving the world, TIFF : ...then *something* has gone *very wrong*. > I don't care who it is." WAND : As long as it's not *my* butt on the line... > "Right," said Liu Kang. "After all, children are the future of this world. TBS : Teach them well and let them lead the way! Show them all the beauty they possess inside! > We've done our part, in Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat tournaments, > but they're protecting their generation, the one to make its mark." EMMY: All of history, all of human development, all of it only to make way for... the RYOGA GENERATION! TBS: The Ryoga Generation! Driving home the time-honored point that fanfiction needs to be accurate and legible to be good! WAND: The Ryoga Generation! The reason the Communications Decency Act keeps popping up in Congress! MMK: The Ryoga Generation! Why I'm glad I'm a Canadian, since Ryoga's in New Jersey! Z-BOT: The Ryoga Generation! Where you can remedy your own dangerously low self-esteem by writing a crappy 'fic where you, your kid sidekick, and your two days' worth of karate classes pound the crap out of fictional characters, and are then praised by *more* fictional characters! TIFF: The Ryoga Generation! Where a valid response to a criticism of one's work is to spout wrestling cliches! ALL: RYOGA! TBS: This announcement was brought to you by-- [WAND cuts the box of Crispers out of TBS's hand.] TBS: --the goodness of our hearts? WAND: Damn straight. > Suddenly, two figures walked out of the forest. Akuma recognized them > instantly. MMK : It's Bubba Ray and D-von! TBS : No! It's Laurel and Hardy! TIFF : No! It's Martin and Lewis! WAND : No! It's Belushi and Aykroyd! EMMY : No! It's Bert and Ernie! [ALL stare at EMMY.] EMMY: You know, from "Sesame Street?" [ALL continue to stare.] EMMY: What? WAND: I think you just dated yourself, man. EMMY: ...I'm so old. > They were Ken and Ryu, following them were James and Chris. > > "YOU DID IT!" yelled Akuma, "SHOOZU! It's over!" TIFF: PANTS! It's stupid! MMK: SHIRT! I hope you die! EMMY: HAT! There's probably gonna be a sequel! > "Very well done," said Guile. "But who defeated Shinnok?" > > "They beat him down and defeated him," said Ken. "Then, we finished > the job when Shinnok asked us to kill them, Z-BOT : He had surrendered! TIFF : He still looked feisty. Z-BOT : He was dying! Every bone in his body was broken! TBS : Bastard probably had an evil plan, or something. > thinking we were the real Ermac and Noob Saibot." WAND : And guess what? Shinnok had evil plans after all. Isn't that wacky? > "Ken always takes some credit," said Ryu. MMK : Your GP or your HP! > "Shinnok was clearly out of it. > James and Chris clearly did a number on Shinnok, and [ALL jump up, dressed in glittering gold tuxedos.] ALL : ONE! Team of Mary Sue'rs! Kicked the ass of elder gods! > would have easily finished him off; it was just a matter that we showed > up at that time." EMMY : In other words... [ALL except MMK and TBS bow before the latter.] ALL : WE'RE NOT WORTHY! [MMK and TBS bask in the praise.] > "That's the Ryu I know of," said Sakura. "Lets someone else take the > credit, does it honestly, then moves on. MMK : What a maroon! > By the way you know > our wedding is in two weeks, right Ryu?" EMMY : Oh, that's right, dear. The caterer called, and he's trying to back out on us. And the florist is trying to stiff us for an extra fifty bucks--he says that the cherry blossoms you wanted for your bouquet are out of season. WAND: You know way too much about this shit, dude. EMMY: [sighs] Tell me about it. > "Yes, honey," said Ryu. "I'm more than happily ready to marry now." WAND : Yeah, you should have seen the strippers I got for his bachelor party! They had the hugest-- MMK : KEN! Ix-nay on the ippers-stray! > "Bet you can't beat me at family life Ryu," said Ken. > "I got you there." ALL : There... I got you there! I got you there! > "You may have an advantage now," said Ryu, "but I'm going to work hard > and build a GREAT family." Z-BOT : ...out of Super Sculpey! Top that, blondie! > "Will you please STOP?" asked James. "Every time you two get together, > it's always rivalry. Can't you do things just because you enjoy them?" MMK : But... we like to fight. TBS : Yeah, it's what we do. Professional Street Fighters, remember? MMK : "The fight is all" and all that? TBS : You think we're going to turn into cost accountants or something after all this? > "Makes you better," said Ken. "Can't blame that." > > "True," said James backing off a little. "I guess I don't see it that way." EMMY : Look, I'm sorry. I didn't think... MMK , TBS : Wanker. > "Quick, over here!" yelled Kitana and Blanka. WAND : Hey! That's my line! > A young, white ninja was walking their way, along with a dark-blue > ninja, an olive-green ninja, and a yellow ninja. EMMY: Ninjas. If you see one, there's five in the walls. > It was the TIFF: ...Power Rangers rejects! > Three Ninjas. WAND: [shrugs] Eh... same thing. TIFF: But there's *four* of-- EMMY: TIFF! TIFF: But that white-- EMMY: NO! > "Why those creeps," said Chris as he drew his hockey stick. MMK : Say! That's pretty good! TBS : Thanks! I've been taking art classes. WAND: Old joke! Penalty, five points. MMK: But it's a classic! > "I'm ready for them," said Sub-Zero. "They look like Shinnok's last > survivors." TBS : Their alliance won't help them now! MMK : Sorry, Sub-Zero. We all voted against you. TBS : Wh-what?! No-ooo-ooo! I don't want to put my torch out! EMMY : Tomorrow, an exclusive interview with Sub-Zero! Only on the Morning Show. > "EASY," said Sean. Z-BOT : Easy like a Sunday morning. > "I'm sure everything's OK now," said James. "That white ninja is named > Miyo, and she's nothing but honor. TBS: She looks made up of flesh and bones to me... but I better check under that suit first-- TIFF: Snot... TBS: I'll be good. > I don't think the Three > Ninjas in their right mind anyway would work for Shinnok." MMK: I don't think the Three Ninjas in their right mind would even be in this 'fic. EMMY: No one in this 'fic would. > "Right," said Sean. "I know their personalities well." > > The rest of the Street Fighters and Mortal Kombatants grumbled > their faces, EMMY: That isn't possible. MMK: Is too! Want to see how I do it? EMMY: Er... no thanks. [MMK ^_^s.] > but listened as Miyo and the Three Ninjas approached the team. > > "We're sorry for any trouble that we caused," said Miyo. WAND : Here's some Annoyntment. > "Shinnok captured my father, and then brainwashed Rocky, Colt, and > Tum Tum on a rescue mission. I tried to rescue them myself, but I > was captured by Kintaro. It's awesome that two young heroes that > I hear of leveled Shinnok." WAND : And where *is* your father? TBS : D'oh! > "And with a little help..." > > "Be quiet Ken," said Ryu covering Ken's mouth. "We didn't fight the > fight." Z-BOT : So you want *them* to take the credit? [A pause.] MMK : YO! It was all us! I took the bastard's knee out with one pinky! > Miyo laughed. "Ken Masters and Ryu. Always a rivalry, two opposite people > as friends. A good balance." WAND: The role of Miyo is now being played by Mr. Miyagi... only with 200% more incoherence! > "That's why I always play as them in Street Fighter games," said James. TIFF : I'm a veritable Scrubbing Bubble! > "Ryu is good on the ground and defense, Ken in the air and offense. They > compliment each other perfectly." MMK: This ProTip was brought to you by the letters B and S. No offense, Snot. TBS: None taken. > Ryu and Ken smiled at each other. Chris put his hockey stick away, "Is it > OK that we are friends now?" asked Chris. > > "We're sorry," said Tum Tum. "We were stupid, trying to resist Shinnok on > our own, fighting him individually and eventually getting > brainwashed." MMK : We should have realized that we should have allowed you guys to Mary Sue yourselves to victory without wasting our energy! [rants] That's the only way you could have defeated us! You dirty bastards! [A pause.] EMMY : So, did Shinnok give you that stupid fuckin' name? MMK : Um... no.... EMMY : C'mere, gimp. > "I think we can be friends," said Rocky. "Good overcomes evil always, right?" TBS: No, Fire overcomes Sand; Sand overcomes Water; and Water overcomes Fire... MMK: Well, the way Canadians play, Rock overcomes Scissors, Scissors overcomes Paper, and Paper overcomes Rock. TBS: What about Dynamite? MMK : Dynamite's a myth. > "Yes," said Akuma. "Look at me. I was overcome, but even I have seen the > light." WAND : I shall now give up fighting and start spreading the good news! In the future, I shall be known as Pat Robertson. SHOOZU! TBS: Now Kim has even more reason to hate you... > Ryu then broke up the condolences, "I'm getting married in two weeks to > Sakura, and everybody's invited. [An uncomfortable silence.] WAND : Oh, come on. If there's grass on the field... > Who would like to come to my wedding?" [Sound of crickets chirping.] MMK : Anyone? > Everyone jumped for joy when hearing that. "We'll most certainly go, King > of the Street Fighters!" TBS : The King of Street Fighters, World Tour in April! MMK : Gentlemen, Ryu Hoshi has *left* the building! > Even though James and Chris had certainly won the tournament, they > couldn't forget what Ryu and Ken had accomplished over the years. WAND: As much as Ryoga would like us to. > Even though they were tied up with each other, EMMY: In this context, "longtime rivalry" apparently means "yaoi trigger." > they were clearly the best that the world had ever seen. It seemed the > torch had now been passed to James and Chris, TIFF: We only hope they fumble with it and it burns them... WAND: ...and the paper this damn 'fic is written on... TBS : How come *they* get to carry a torch and I don't? It's just because of that *stupid* alliance! > but Ryu and Ken would never be forgotten. TBS : Welcome to the stage of history! MMK : Their memory will never die! > Even Akuma, who still had intense rivalries with Ryu and Ken, still > respected their fighting abiltiies and joined the rest of the crowd. TBS : Maybe if I'm lucky, Gen or Oro will be invited... > CHAPTER 23: WEDDING AND FINAL THOUGHTS MMK: Final thoughts? WAND: About time, I say. MMK: *Final* thoughts? EMMY: I, for one, am relieved. MMK: But... TIFF: It's almost over! MMK: ...but I haven't even got my thoughts *started* yet! > TWO WEEKS LATER: JAPANESE TEMPLE, HOKKAIDO ISLAND, JAPAN TBS: Nowhere near anything named Shaolin-- WAND: Stop that! > The music started to play. The crowd standed up, TBS: "Hey! We should have bringed some beer!", the crowd thinked. > as the wedding party came out. The bridal party included Ken, his son Mel, > Scorpion, Sakura's Father, WAND : Oh, Mr. Sakura's Father... > Chun-Li, Kitana, Sakura's Mom, TBS: For some reason, Sakura's Mom is with Sakura's Dad. WAND: Wouldn't Sakura's Father be pissed? MMK: He would be if he wasn't with Sakura's Best Friend. TIFF: You three, quiet! > and Ibuki. TBS: She's the bridge bunny with the crush on Ritsuko, right? MMK: No, that's *Maya* Ibuki. TBS: Oh, then she's that ninja girl who helps out Miko Mido? MMK: No, that's *Fubuki*. TBS: Oh, is she that dancer who wears really cool white makeup and hops around carrying a sword? MMK: No, Snot, that's *Kabuki*! TBS: Oh. Then who's Ibuki? [A pause.] MMK: I think she's Sakura's Father's date. > The priest slowly approached the > altar as they proceeded down the altar. TIFF: That's when the priest decided that he should never let these Street Fighters choreograph their own weddings. WAND : Damn New Age rituals! > "Ryu, King of The Street Fighters and legend for many generations, WAND : ...pedophile, > do you take Sakura as your lawfully wedded wife?" > > "I do," said Ryu, as the crowd cheered loudly. MMK: Anyone else get the feeling a lot of people just made an enemy out of Racewing? TBS: The spatulas are gonna fly... > "Sakura, cherry tree of the small town, Z-BOT : ...whatever the hell that means... > inspiration for many young ladies, TBS : ...perspiration of many young men... WAND : ...doujin bait for well over a decade... > do you take Ryu as your lawfully wedded husband?" MMK: ...and that's when Shingo ran in. TIFF : STOP THE WEDDING! > "I most certainly do," said Sakura. > > "I now pronounce you man and wife," said the Priest. The crowd > then cheered, > > "HIP HIP HOORAY! three times, and the ceremony proceeded. EMMY: ...has this guy ever *been* to a wedding? Once you get to 'man and wife,' the ceremony does not 'proceed,' it *concludes.* With everyone *leaving the area*. And if this is a normal wedding, nobody *cheers* until you're *outside* and you have to try not to get old uncooked rice *in* your *mouth*. WAND: Kevin! Ease *off*! > At the end, the whole team of Street Fighters and Mortal Kombatants > lined up outside. They threw rice and bird seed as the two newlyweds > came out and approached the limousine, MMK: And among the crowd, Birdie and E. Honda were hatching a scheme... TBS , EMMY : We eat tonight! > accompained by a beautiful mix of Ryu's and Sakura's theme musics. Z-BOT: "Accompained?" WAND: Appropriate. EMMY: "Theme musics." Where does he think he is? Videoland? > "It's a great day," said Ken crying for joy. "Ryu's finally going to realize > his biggest dream." TBS: Man, he *is* a pediatrician. MMK: Wrong word. TBS: Man, he *is* a pelican. MMK: Wrong word again. TBS: ...Man, he *is* a podium. MMK: Still not the right word. TBS: Okay then, smarty pants, what *is* the right word? MMK: It's... erm... whatever Wanderer said earlier. WAND: And don't you forget it. > "It's going to be a change," said Eliza. "By the way, I'm pregnant > again." EMMY : *Again?* TIFF : Yup! I'm two months along! EMMY : But I've been gone for five months. MMK : Ahhhh, Eliza! So good to see you again! TIFF : Oh, boy. > "Whoa," said Ken. "I guess we'll be having two kids, WAND : Actually, remember those fertility drugs I've been taking? TBS : Sweet mother of God. WAND : It burns... > and Ryu's kids will have some close friends...." > > "Here we go again," said Sean. "Ken and Ryu all over again..." > > Chun Li then hit Sean with a cloth rag. EMMY: Why would Chun Li have a cloth rag? WAND: Emmy... EMMY: No, I'm serious. What is she? On clean-up detail after the wedding or something? WAND: Look! Booze! [He throws a tequila bottle past EMMY's nose.] EMMY: Hey! [He catches the tequila bottle and takes a healthy belt. MMK observes the scene.] MMK: Hey, Wandy, do you ever get deja vu? WAND: No, ne-- [glares] [MMK ^_^s.] > "Hey, Chun Li, watch it!" > > "Serves you right. Sure they'll be the best of friends," said Chun Li, > "with a little rivalry thrown in..." TBS : Dat's just wot he *meant*, you stupid ho! TIFF : Fat Abbot, I jest don't get what de boy's sayin'! TBS : Chun Li, you like skooool in summa. TIFF : Skool in summa? Wotchu mean by dat, Fat Abbot? TBS : I mean you betta keep yo bitch mout closed, you stupid *BLEEP* *BLEEP*. > THREE WEEKS AFTER SHINNOK'S DEFEAT, BY MASTER SEMA'S KARATE SCHOOL. EMMY: So the building defeated Shinnok? I thought it was the two Mary Sues. [shakes his head] Anyone got aspirin? WAND : It don't mix good with booze. > Classes had just started to resume as Master Sema's school. MMK: Before, they were just Master Sema's *club*. But *now*, they're Master Sema's *school*! > A great memorial had been erected for Master Sema to remember his > contribuions. MMK : Hey! If you lean your head like this and squint, it kinda looks like a giant squid! EMMY: So Master Sema is remembering his own contributions? But he's dead! [grabs his head] OW! WAND: Drink more. It dulls the pain. [EMMY chugs.] > James had temporarliy became the instructor until the rest of the > instructors had recovered from the funeral. TIFF: He figured it'd take them two days to dig themselves out of Sema's gravesite. WAND: Now *that* is a bitchin' wake. > After class one day, James and Chris were alone and they had just worked > out for over two hours. TBS: See, if they were working out for over two hours, then they must have got really, really hot, which explains why they got together alone... TIFF: Oh, that's it! Limit Break! [TIFF grows to twice her size and produces two gigantic, roaring chainsaws.] TBS: ...and both decided to go and shower... [TIFF draws back, preparing to quarter the Snotling. EMMY covers his eyes.] TBS : ...Ken and Eliza's new baby. [TIFF suddenly shrinks to her normal size. The chainsaws disappear. EMMY uncovers his eyes, puzzled.] MMK: Critical hit! [A very smug TBS flashes white.] TIFF: Tell you what. [TIFF takes out a conventional chainsaw and decapitates the Snotling.] TBS: Owwie. Worth it. Ow. > They were watching a hockey game. EMMY: Here we go again with the hockey. Even the Mayans didn't treat their sports quite like this. MMK: But saving the world in this fic *depended* on increduble hokki chi skillz! TBS: So that's what kids call it these days, eh? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink? [He nudges TIFF and winks at her.] TIFF : Stop it. > "Those Rangers will never score a goal past Martin" said James. > > "Go ahead and try..." EMMY: To spin the Wheel of Fish! Go ahead! Give eet a beeeeeeg spin! > "Yeah right, Adam will easily flip one by, just like Matteau did in 1994." > replied Chris. > > "The Devils have a 3-2 lead right now, they're going to win. There's only > two minutes left...." The announcer yelled, Z-BOT : And Koslov's on a breakaway and...what the hell? It's *Fedorov* and *Yserman* coming down the walk and checking him! Now they got the puck! It's a double cross! *Damn* those Red Wings! DAMN THE...Wait! Now Patrick Roy and Adam Deadmarsh have come in! Oh the humanity! TIFF : I love "All-In Hockey." > "THE RANGERS SCORE! ADAM GRAVES DOES IT AGAIN, A WRAP-AROUND THE GOAL, >AND THE > RANGERS HAVE TIED IT UP. IT'S GOING TO OT!" > > "Told ya, James," said Chris. > > "Grrr," said James. "I hate the Rangers." Z-BOT : Wait a minute! Referee Nick Patrick is calling interference! And...what's this? Richter *chokeslammed* him! > "Get a different team," WAND : Next time you play the game, boy, pick a better team... > said Chris, as he flipped off James's Devils hat he > was wearing right there. > > "Yeah right," said James, as he flipped off Chris's Rangers hat. > > "Dare you to bring in that Rangers bag you have next time." MMK : What, you mean Mom? > "I will," said Chris. "And proud of them!" > > "Devils rule, Rangers drool," said James as they started to wrestle > lightly with each other. EMMY : And now, the moment you've all been waiting for... hardcore pornography! [TBS pukes.] TIFF: Eww! Z-BOT: I'm *not* cleaning that up. WAND: Wait wait wait! Shut up! Here it comes... here it commmmes.... > THE END > > If you saw any typos MMK: Then you are *not* legally blind! Congratulations! > or have any questions relating to the storyline of this fanfic, MMK: Such as "What the FUCK?" > be more than happy to mail me at: > > Ryoga MKN at BruceLeeMK@aol.com MMK : Hello, is this Crazy Larry's Computer Virus Emporium? ======== [The screen shows the swirling Multiversal Television Network logo and the theater lights come back on. At the bottom part of the screen, the title "Behind the Torture" appears as Snack Lightly rises from his seat, finishes his soda, crumples the cup, and throws it with a jumpshot to a nearby trashcan. [He misses.] SNACK: The success of Torture Theater had networks clamoring for similar products.In fact, after the first four episodes, a new theater run by a relatively unknown Mad Doctor started airing episodes. A little lighter than Torture Theater, this group has found some degree of success and achievement as well. [The control room of another Torture Theater. A man wearing a long green lab coat is giggling over a monitor. The monitor shows a group of six people being subjected to fanfiction. The man turns toward the unseen interviewer.] MAD DOCTOR W4: Sure, we always said Torture Theater inspired this place. We even called Wanderer our dad for a time. But then he threatened to tear the place down and shove it down my throat if we didn't stop. [Interview: WANDERER in a bar.] WANDERER: I deny all charges. Especially about being anyone's *dad*! Capisce? [Back to Snack Lightly walking past the theater doors.] SNACK: As with any successful money-making entertainment venture, Torture Theater went on to spawn a *thankfully* short series of spin-offs that all fell short ofthe success enjoyed by the original. Collected and guarded jealously by the most rabid fans, these spin-offs exist in only a few video copies. [Interview: A.o.D.] A.o.D.: You ask about the Torture Theater spin-offs? You pathetic fleshling tread lightly within a dark, dark world. A world where nothing is held sacred or safe...as long as the profits roll in. Do you dare enter? [A.o.D. opens the door labeled Men's Room. He enters and the camera follows him inside. [Static fills the screen. [Video of a film reel and countdown. 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... [Image of a Tribal Council from Survivors. "SURVIVOR: MOT" in white font appears below the screen.] A.o.D.: It has seen you weak fleshlings weep and toil watching the pitiful piece of work "Artemis' Lover." It mocks your pitiful attempts at the challenges. It gives you the time to decide who among you will leave the Theater as fast and as painlessly as possible. [TBS walks toward the camera, writes something on a piece of paper and holds it up. It reads "Tiffa."] TBS: She's really scary... plus, I think she wants to kill me. [TBS places the paper in the jar. SAMAS replaces him on camera, writes something on a piece of paper and holds it up. It reads "TBS."] EMMY: God, this is so hard a decision to make, but you're really starting to smell, Snotling. I'm voting you out so that you can take a bath! [EMMY places the paper in the jar. TIFF replaces him on camera, writes something on a piece of paper and holds it up. It reads "TBS."] TIFFA: Nothing personal, Snot. But I really want to kill you. [TIFF places the paper in the jar. MMK replaces him on camera, writes something on a piece of paper and holds it up. It reads "Al4n15s /\/\or1se773."] MMK: I didn't think too much of her music videos, but when I saw her playing God in "Dogma"... that made my day! [MMK places the paper in the jar. WAND replaces him on camera, writes something on a piece of paper and holds it up. It reads "Wanderer."] WANDERER: Screw this! I'm voting myself out! [Static fills the screen. [Video of a film reel and countdown. 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... [A living room. On a couch, HUNTER and A.o.D., both dressed in T-shirts and shorts, sit in front of a TV. "MTV'S HUNTER AND A.O.D." in white font appears below the screen.] HUNTER: Hey, A.o.D., he said "I shall defenestrate you!" Muahahahaha! A.o.D.: It is very amused. Ha ha. HUNTER: Muahahahahaha! A.o.D.: Ha ha ha. Ha. Ha ha. [Static fills the screen. [Video of a film reel and countdown. 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... [A gameshow set. MMK in his red tux holds a mic on stage. GAVOK, in a lovely red evening gown, poses in the background. "WHO WANTS TO BE A TORTURE THEATER VICTIM?" appears in white font below the screen.] MMK: It's time to play "Who Wants to be a Torture Theater Victim?" I'm your host, the Multimediocre Knight. Let's meet our contestants for "Who Wants to be a Torture Theater Victim?" [Canned applause. Camera pans around, showing an empty set of seats where an audience *should* be.] MMK: [without missing a beat] Well, I guess that's it for this episode of "Who Wants to bea Torture Theater Victim?" I'm your host, the M-- [Static fills the screen. [Video of a film reel and countdown. 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... [A black screen. The words "Scenes from the show 'Red Torture Diaries' cannot be shown at this time. Our producers won't give us back our tape." appear onscreen. [Static fills screen again. [Back to Snack Lightly in the Torture Theater parking lot. A variety of posters and trash move past him, despite the absence of any wind.] SNACK: Torture Theater has been going strong for 13 episodes now. Its widespread popularity had eclipsed all expectations. It is a phenomenon entirely in and of itself. Whatever the hell that meant. [Snack stops in front of a van bearing the words "Behind the Scenes."] SNACK: Thank you for joining us for this special "Behind the Scenes: Torture Theater." This is Snack Lightly saying: In a world without lawyers... lobotomists are king. Good night, everybody. [Snack gets in his van. Slow fade to black. Before the image is gone, a trench-coated individual stops the van's door from closing.] AoD: It did not give you permission to leave yet... in one piece. [An audible gulp is heard as the picture becomes totally black. The swirling Multiversal Television Network logo comes up.] ======== Edited by: Thomas "Wanderer" Wilde storyteller@msc.net http://www.dimfuture.net/elsewhere/ John "Ripper Jak" Stoddert WYVERN5555@aol.com http://members.xoom.com/RipperJak/ Mark Poa markpoa@edsamail.com.ph Leave feedback on this MiSTing at: http://network54.com/Hide/Forum/80982 Writing Staff: Alicia Ashby lynxara@bad-candy.com the Black Snotling Snotter@sluggy.net http://jupiter.spaceports.com/~Snotling Nicholas Eckert, the Vidstudent vidstudent@hushmail.com http://www.fortunecity.com/campus/law/44/ Alex Fauth rickr@ihug.com.au http://www.elmerstudios.com Larry "t.ogre" Garrett fnord@austin.rr.com Quanah Harjo qharjo@yahoo.com http://www.slackpage.net Geson "Racewing" Hatchett ghatch@panix.com http://racewing.tripod.com Asako Hisamatsu cross_sinker@my-deja.com James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight multimediocreknight@yahoo.com http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Battlefield/4281/ Gavin "Gavok" Jasper gjj2192@rit.edu http://www.rit.edu/~gjj2192/hol/index.html David "Ice Fenix" LaSalle izfenix@hotmail.com Brad "Mr. Fluffypants" Lawson blawson1@tulane.edu Kevin "Emerald" Kanda emeralddragon@hotmail.com http://linguist.dartmouth.edu/~emerald/ Signus Megido maramala@hotmail.com http://hello.to/maramala SD Ryukage dragon48@ptd.net http://fly.to/sd_nexus Tiffa tiffa@thedoghousemail.com Phil Vanciel treksite67@hotmail.com http://guitarheader.homestead.com/index_a.html Scott "W4" Watson woofersan@home.com http://indiemadnesse.sandwich.net Opening sketch by Thomas Wilde. Sketch #1 ("Interview with the Loons") by the Black Snotling and Mark Poa. Commercial ("Behind the Torture: BioDread") by Larry Garrett. Closing sketch ("The End of the Show") by Mark Poa. All Mortal Kombatants are the property of Midway. All Street Fighters are the property of Capcom. All four Three Ninjas are the property of Disney. All people in the theater are property of their respective real-life counterparts. All power to the people, and ban the fucking bomb. > "Here we go again," said Sean. "Ken and Ryu all over again..."