(SOL. Crow is talking to Tom in the background. Joel is in the foreground, in front of the desk.) Joel: Hi, everyone. Crow just got through seeing 'The Truman Show' for the sixth time, and now he's on a really weird paranoid trip. (Joel walks offscreen.) Crow: I'm telling ya, Servo, it's true! There are cameras watching our every move! Our lives and sufferings are a revolutionary and moving television show with millions of fans! Tom: Crow, we've known each other for a long time, right? Crow: Yeah. Tom: And I've always been your best friend, right? Crow: Well.. yeah, I guess.. in a weird, twisted way.. Tom: If everyone was in on it.. I'd have to be in on it too, right? And lying to you.. that's something I could never do. Crow: What the hell are you talking about? You lie to me on a regular basis! Tom: Oh.. *heh* yeah. Voice:Commercial sign in fifteen seconds. Joel: (walking on) Actually, Crow's right. A camera is watching our every move. Cambot, say hi. (The camera dips a bit.) Crow: Oh. Yeah. So we're on a hit tv show? Joel: Of course not. Don't be silly. Who would want to watch three guys, a gal, and a disembodied voice stuck on a space station? Voice:Commercial sign now. And I prefer the term 'corporeally challenged'. Joel: Sorry, Magic Voice. (Hits the commercial light.) (SOL. Crow has a mirror set up in front of him, and is talking to it.) Crow: This is Earth calling Sergeant Crow.. Come in, Crow.. Tom: Uh, Crow? We really _are_ in space. Crow: Oh. Oops. Joel: Hey, cut it out, you two. Game Machine Joe and Greg are calling. (Joel hits the Mads light.) (Deep 13. Dr. F is looking with some frustration at a hedge, as Frank looks nervous.) Dr.F: Why, you.. Oh, hello, Joel. Why don't you go first this week, since _somebody_ (looks daggers at Frank) decided to grow a hedge in the middle of my lab! Frank:It seemed like a good idea at the time.. (SOL. There is a blender on the table.) Joel: Sure thing, sirs. Our invention this week is based on the idea of the milkless shake! Crow: You know; mangoshakes, bananashakes, wheatgermshakes.. Tom: All those instruments of torture dreamt up by health nuts! Joel: Right. This invention lets you make any kind of shake you want. Let's start with a base of delicious Quisp breakfast cereal. (He reaches under the table, brings up a box of cereal, and pours it in.) Crow: Next, we'll add some Rokeach chicken broth! (Joel gets out a can and pours in the broth.) Tom: Finally, let's add a nourishing copy of Ingmar Bergman's "The Seventh Seal". (Joel gets out a video box and drops it in. He then replaces the blender's top.) Joel: We just turn it on, and.. (Joel presses a button on the blender's base. An antenna pops up from the top, and a cheap lightning effect strikes it, leaving a semi-liquid substance in the blender.) Tom: We like to call it the 'Supreme Blender'. (Deep 13. The hedge is now writhing. Frank is holding a chainsaw, but does not look very reassured by this fact. Dr. F is up near the camera.) Dr.F: Very funny, stooges. My invention is something Frank might find handy in rectifying his error. I call it the 'Venus Love Me Chainsaw'. As you can see, I've infused this hedge with dark energy. Frank will now demonstrate the chainsaw in defense of his snivelly little popo. Frank:Are you sure you know what you're doing? Dr.F: If I knew what I was doing, it wouldn't be research, now would it? Now get on with it! (turns to face the camera) Joel, your experiment this week is Part Three of Sailor Moon Hentai. It exhibits- Frank:Doctor, it's out of gas! Dr.F: (over his shoulder) Not now, Frank! (turning back to the camera) It exhibits the quality and taste you've come to associate with that series. Take it if you can, butterballs! (SOL. Joel is sipping a shake.) Joel: A twinkie-wiener-cheeseshake! Mmm. (All hell breaks loose.) All: We've got fanfic sign!! (G,6,5,4,3,2,1) >Carlos, once again! Joel: o/~ Oh, Carlos once and Carlos twice and Carlos once again.. > OK, now I have recieved a e-mail from Sailor >Pleasure and if you want to talk to her, you know, about her >character anything else..e-mail her at: >oneechan@hotmail.com Crow: Um.. Carl? She's a _fictional character_. She can't send you or anyone else e-mail. Tom: Maybe he's just read _Griffin and Sabine_. >And if you want to talk to me about SMHentai or any future >writings, e-mail me at: >carlosvincent@hotmail.com Crow: Hmm.. Joel: We've done this one too many times already, Crow. >Now, all hentai rules apply. The Darkside and the Hentai Senshi >belong to me, Tom: Hey, you won't hear any property disputes from _me_. > and Sailor Moon belongs to Takeuchi Naoko and >Toei. >-------------------------------------------------------------- Joel: (Picard) The line must be drawn here! >Sailor Moon Hentai, Part 3 >"Identities" Crow: Well, csc(x) is sin(x)/1, and tan(x) is cos(x)/sin(x).. >By: Carlos Vincent > > Kelly sat in her classroom, Tom: (Kelly) It's mine! Mine! > bored out of her mind. Crow: That's not too hard. > She attended >the school, Taiyo Gaken, built over Maken Gaken, Joel: Machen Sie Gaken? Tom: What's that mean? Joel: Do you (formal) make.. uh.. gaks. > the old school of Hotaru, >Haruka, and Michiru. Tai and Ida went there and Hiko and Kiko attended >T*A Private Girl's Academy Crow: T&A Private Girl's Academy? Sounds like a bad porn movie. > along with Rei-chan. Kelly sighed as the door >opened Tom: (Kelly) Why does it keep doing that? > and two people stepped in. Crow: *squick* Eew! Joel: Uh, Crow.. Crow: Well, it didn't say _what_ they stepped in! > After chatting with sensei, she >clapped her hands. Joel: (whoever's clapping) Let's hear it for sensei! Tom: The character so peripheral, even the author can't remember his name! (All applaud) > "Class, this is your new student, Doku Bara." Tom: o/~Break me off a piece of that Doku Bara.. >Genjuro-sensei announced. "And this is your new assistant teacher, >Aceto-sensei." Crow: (Genjuro) He'll come in handy if you need to remove your nail polish. > Kelly perked up at the name 'Aceto'. She looked up and >gasped. There he was! Joel: Miss America! > Chris Aceto! Her former Slyvan Teacher now teaching >her in Japan?! He smiled at the class. Crow: (Aceto) I am _flying_. > Kelly smiled back, looks like >her stay was going to be more exciting than she thought. Tom: Yeah, a senshi's life is just so dull. > It had been >exactly five months since she had last seen Chris and this was going to >be the best reunion ever. > As he took a seat at the teacher's extra desk, she looked him >over. "Goddamn he is still handsome as EVER!" Kelly said, Joel: (Kelly) And he's mine! All mine! > a little too >loudly. "Moule-san, do you have something to share with the class?" >Genjuro-sensei asked. Kelly blushed. She gulped. She twisted her dirty Tom: ..Harry? Crow: No, the oozing Clints were last episode. >blonde hair and batted her ocean Joel: (Kelly) Take that, Mediterranean! Have at thee, Caspian! Tom: Actually, those are seas and not oceans, Joel. Joel: Close enough. > blue eyes, before saying, "No, >Genjuro-sensei." Kelly answered. Then she eyed the new girl. She was >pretty, OK OK, goregeous. Tom: Al or Tipper? Crow: Just ingore it, Tom. Tom: I knew I smelled a Rat.. > She had long red hair and black eyes. Joel: They're pretty rough on these new students.. > She >had this evil aura to her, and yet she seemed friendly enough. Crow: (Kelly) Well, sure she was the living incarnation of Satan, but she seemed so _nice_! > She eyed >Kelly with even suspision as she sat a few desks behind her. Tom: (Doku) Wash your hair, hippie! > Kelly >then turned to see Tai introducing herself to Bara. She looked at Ida >who just shrugged. She turned around to see her teacher in her face. Crow: I would have to call this an inappropriate teacher-student relationship. >She gulped. > "MOULE-SAN! NOT PAYING ATTENTION, HMM? ERRRR...OUTSIDE, NOW!" Tom: (sensei) Nearly forgot my line there! >Her sensei screamed as she bolted outside. Joel: (running screaming sensei) I can't take any more of this fic! > When she stood there, someone >oddly familiar passed her in the hall. Tom: (Kelly) Um.. excuse me? Are you one of my best friends? > She had sea green hair and eyes. Crow: Wait.. Michiru's eyes are sea green? Tom: Well.. yeah. Crow: And Kelly's eyes are ocean blue? Joel: As nearly as I can recall. Crow: Are seas really a different color from oceans? Tom: Hey, good point! And what if it's the Black Sea or the Red Sea? Joel: Then it would say "sea red" instead of "sea green". Crow: I'm seaing red already.. >"Michiru-san?" She asked. Michiru turned. "Kelly-chan!" She exclaimed >and hugged her. "What are you doing at Taiyo Gaken?" Joel: (Michiru) And here I thought I'd finally lost her! > Kelly asked. "Haruka, >Hotaru, and I transffered just yesturday." Michiru said. "That's great!" >Kelly exclaimed. "Has Hotaru-san met my friends yet?" Kelly added. Tom: (Michiru) No, but _you_ never let that stop you. > "You >mean Ida-chan, Tai-chan, Hiko-chan, and Kiko-chan?" Michiru inquired. Joel: Only 29,996 left to go before she can become human. >"Mmmhmm." Kelly nodded. "I don't think she has." Michiru noted. "Let's >meet for lunch, in the back of the school." Kelly said. Crow: Am I the only one who's completely lost track of who's saying what? Joel: Nope. Tom: Likewise. > "Sounds great! >I will tell them!" Michiru said and walked back to class. Kelly smiled >as Bara opened the door. Tom: (Bara) *wham* Uh.. where's Kelly? > "Kelly-chan, you can come back inside now." Bara said and held >the door open. "Arigato, Bara-chan." Kelly said and walked inside and >took her seat once again. Joel: You know, the only time I called a girl "-chan" the first time I met her, I got slapped. > * * * * Crow: It's the bonus level of _Space Invaders_! > > Umi and Chi were still recovering from the night before. Tom: They should try some of Pleasure's next special attack. Joel: Why? Tom: Because for the morning after a terrible night, there's nothing like the heir of the fog that hits you. Crow: That was really lame, Servo. Tom: Thank you. > Umi >was dripping wet for some reason, she must have used her 'Sea Crash' Crow: Sea Crash. Sea Crash run. >before they faded from view. Chi was also wet and shivering. She was >too. Tom: So you're basically trying to say that they were wet? > She then went into her drawer Joel: (Umi) It's a tight squeeze, but I think I can make it! > and found some suitable clothing >for her, then changed Crow: Poof! I'm a banana! > and began to build a fire. As the fire's blanket >of warmth dried the puddles and their clothes, they sat on her bed, >thinking quietly. Joel: I wonder what balsa wood tastes like. > Umi didn't know what to do or say. Tom: _Someone_ didn't rehearse enough. > She felt so dirty >after what she had done. Crow: (Umi) I'll never go rolling in mud again! > But just before they had left, he had entered >her, once. His scent, was still on her. "Chi.." She began to whisper. >He shook his head and silenced her. Tom: She must be great for sniping. > "Umi-chan..don't say a thing..I >know what happened back there..and eventhough I did claim all that >energy..I don't know what came over me.." Chi said. Crow: (Umi) Me. Joel: Crow! > Umi smiled. "You >did exactly what I wanted you to do..love me..pleasure me..fuck me.. >it's all I ever wanted from you..and to be honest with you..to hear >you say 'I love you, Aku or Doku' Joel: I'm no expert, but I don't think putting two names after "I love you" is a good idea.. > ..or even Mistress Vira-sama..would >throw me over the edge." Umi explained. Tom: (Chi) Really? I LOVE YOU, AKU OR DOKU!! > Chi smiled. Tom: (Chi) That should do it. > "So the truth finally comes out, ne? After all >this time..the two people who hate each other..love each other more >than anything. Crow: Wow! I- I don't know what to say. It's such an unexpected turn of events for these two characters to make love.. such writing! Such character development! Joel: Really? Crow: No. > But that Sailor Pleasure will get it for sure.." Chi >said, growling. "Mark our words.." Umi added. Tom: (Umi) ..our words, Mark. Now that we know who we are, let's get down to business. > "Umi, Chi. Mistress >Vira-sama wishes to see you." Aku said, as she entered the room. >"Come." Crow: (Chi) Twice in five minutes? Who do you think I am, Superman? > Umi said and they both walked silently over to Mistress >Vira. "You wished our presence Mistress Vira-sama?" Umi asked quitely. >"Indeed. Joel: (Vira) You never call me anymore. > Chi, did you sucessfully retrieve that energy?" Vira asked. >"Hai, Mistress Vira-sama. I collected enough to supply us for many >months. Does that please you?" He asked, handing over the beakers All: (make *meep*ing noises) >of energy. "It does indeed. Good work." Mistress Vira smiled. "I >am asking permission for my next mission to take Umi with me. We >have a score to settle with Sailor Pleasure." Chi said. Tom: (Chi) She'll pay for those pancakes or else! > "Permission granted." Mistress Vira said, and with that, >he returned to his chambers. Umi did as well and fell asleep. Joel: (Chi) Uh.. Umi? The mission, remember? The score to settle? > Aku, >Doku, and Kurai looked at each other in disbelief. "Mistress Vira-sama?" >Doku asked. "Yes, what is it Doku-chan?" She asked, turning to her. Crow: (Doku) Where do the flowers come from? >"Have you noticed how strangely Umi and Chi are acting?" Doku inquired. >"It's probably something no one needs to worry about." Vira commented. >"Yes, tommorow they will be at each other's neck again." Kurai said >and walked off. Tom: Never fear! Internal dissent shall soon wrack us again! > Chi woke up Umi and they transported down to Tokyo, the Hentai >and Sailor Senshi felt the nega-energy and began to henshin. All: o/~Everybody henshin tonight.. > > * * * * > > "MOON ETERNAL, MAKE UP!" > "MERCURY CRYSTAL POWER, MAKE UP!" > "MARS CRYSTAL POWER, MAKE UP!" > "JUPITER CRYSTAL POWER, MAKE UP!" > "VENUS CRYSTAL POWER, MAKE UP!" > "URANUS PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!" > "NEPTUNE PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!" > "PLUTO PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!" > "SATURN PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!" Crow: That has got to be one heckuva splitscreen. > > In another place, the Hentai Senshi were henshining. > > "PLASURE HENTAI POWER, MAKE UP!" > "MOUTH HENTAI POWER, MAKE UP!" > "TONGUE HENTAI POWER, MAKE UP!" > "BREAST HENTAI POWER, MAKE UP!" > "NIPPLE HENTAI POWER, MAKE UP!" Joel: You know, you don't usually notice that "tongue", "breast", and "nipple" each have six letters. Tom: You don't usually care, either. > > Somewhere else, a mysterious Senshi was also transforming. Joel: Why didn't she just henshin like everyone else? > > "Star Gazer..MAKE UP!" Tom: You'll have to stand in line. > > * * * * > > As they all appeared, Umi and Chi looked for Sailor Pleasure. Crow: It's like trying to find a needle in a haystack. >When she stepped forward, Umi and Chi immediately attacked. > > "SEA CRASH!" > "BLOOD CURDLE!" Joel: (Minnewegian) Oh, you know, you shouldn't let the blood curdle like that. > > Pleasure jumped out of the way. "PLEASURE FANTASY NIGHTMARE!" >She screamed and it hit Umi and Chi. Then the Sailor Senshi and Hentai >Senshi began to attack. "VENUS LOVE AND BEAUTY SHOCK!" "JUPITER OAK >EVOLUTION!" "SPACE SWORD BLASTER!" "Dead..Scream.." Tom: So, are the other ten senshi they summoned just sitting around, or what? > But the attacks >were collected Crow: (geeky) I'll trade you an Aqua Rhapsody for a Burning Mandala. > and sent at Pleasure. The attacks had such intensity, >they hit her and she fell down to the ground, gasping for air. Crow: (Lloyd Bridges) By this time, my lungs were aching for air. > As >they went to attack again, another voice came into hearing range: > > "Gazer Laser Beam.." A hand went in the air Joel: Fwing!.. > and and then came >down, Joel: ..plop. > one hand on her elbow and her pointer finger pointing at Umi >and Chi. > > "CRUSH!!!!" She screamed and a yellow beam of energy shot >from her fingertip. Tom: So in other words, she used the Crescent Beam Smash. > It slammed into Umi and Chi. > > "Who are you?" They all asked, except the Hentai Senshi >who were crowded around Sailor Pleasure. Crow: My name is not important. > "I am Star Gazer. My >real name is Doku Bara. I am the real identity of Sailor Pleasure. >She is REALLY a Sailor Senshi. I am just a apparition." All: Huh? Tom: Y'know, Carl has a real knack for explanations that leave you even more confused than before. > Star Gazer >said. She then looked at Sailor Pleasure. "Saturn, can you heal >her?" Venus asked, starting to worry about her. "No..I'm sorry.." >Saturn whispered. Pleasure began to try to speak. "Sa-Sai..lor.. >Senshi..pl-plea--se..take--me..ho--me.." Tom: Calgon, take me away from here! > She whispered. They >nodded and all of them, except Star Gazer, left. > "Villans of the Darkside! Know this, as Star Gazer, Sailor >Pleasure can kill you with one power!" Star Gazer said as they >disappeared. Then Star Gazer appeared at her home. > > Tom: Finally! Let's get out of here. (1,2,3,4,5,6,G) (SOL bridge. There are writhing weeds all over the place, and the room is illuminated in flashing red light. Joel, Gypsy and Tom are visible.) Joel: Gypsy, what in Sam Hill is going on here, and why do I feel so weak all of a sudden? Gypsy:I think Dr. Forrester's evil hedge somehow made its way up here through the Fanfic Transporter, and is draining our energy! Tom: My.. energy.. draining away.. Joel: I.. can't hold on.. much longer.. Crow: (offscreen) Halt! (The hedge stops moving as music starts to play. Crow jumps onscreen in a sailor fuku.) Crow: I am Sailor Crow, defender of innocent test subjects! Hedges should stay in one place and provide privacy, not danger! On behalf of the Satellite of Love, I will punish you! MERCILESS TAUNTING SHRED!! (The hedge flinches as Crow begins his attack.) Crow: You're so ugly, you looked out the window and were arrested for mooning! You're so stupid, you called an old bathtub Sensei! You're so dumb, you had to call information to get the number for 911! YOUR MOTHER WEARS COMBAT BOOTS! (The hedge dissipates into a cloud of moondust. Unfortunately, since it was so large, the moondust fills the air.) Crow: (coughing) Yattaze! Tom: Wasn't there already a Sailor Crow? Crow: That was Sailor _Lead_ Crow.. no relation. Joel: Whaddaya think, sirs? (Deep 13.) Frank:Hey, that whole turning into a Senshi thing was pretty cool! Maybe I could.. Dr.F: If you try it, I will personally assure your painful death. Frank:Yessir. Dr.F: Good boy. Now push the button. Frank:Yessir. (Frank walks up to the console and pushes the but-) | \ | / \ | / \ | / \ | / \|/ --------O-------- /|\ / | \ / | \ / | \ / | \ | Three down.. Whaddaya think? Joyous rapture? Dull surprise? Whatever you think, tell me at unspokenname@hotmail.com. Criticism will be thoughtfully accepted; flames will be heartily mocked and taunted. Sailor Moon Hentai is the property of Carlos Vincent, if he cares to claim it. Mystery Science Theater 3000 is property of Best Brains, Inc. The hack writing and poorly executed riffs are probably my fault. No insult is intended to Carl, Kelly, Doku Bara, Genjuro-sensei, or Sailor Star Gazer. Aceto-sensei, however, can bite me. No hedges were injured in the making of this MSTing. > "MOULE-SAN! NOT PAYING ATTENTION, HMM? ERRRR...OUTSIDE, NOW!" >Her sensei screamed as she bolted outside. ______________________________________________________