Crow: ..no, no, no! That misses the whole point! Tom: No, you're missing the point, Crow. See, I think we should have the song lyrics in word boxes pertinent to the story, but.. (Joel pops up near the camera. The bots continue their discussion too quietly to hear.) Joel: (sotto voce) Welcome to the Satellite of Love. Tom and Crow have decided to make their own hit underground comic.. Now, they just have to agree on the subject matter. (raises his voice) Hey, what do you have it narrowed down to? Tom: Well, I want to do this real artistic gothic horror thing, where you have a sort of reinterpretation of Neil Diamond's "Shiloh" with the song lyrics running behind the story, y'know? Joel: Ok, that sounds good.. Crow, what's your idea? Crow: Well, I think we should do a heartfelt romantic saga about an all- girls do-wop group in downtown Chicago. Tom: Pansy. Crow: European. Joel: Guys, stop it! Now, it sounds like you two have absolutely no kind of agreement on this at all. Bots: Basically. Joel: Well, there's only one way to settle this. Crow: How? Joel: NOOGIE FIGHT!! (Joel and the bots start noogieing each other, and we cut to commercial sign.) Tom: You have no idea how unfair that was. Crow: How? Tom: Arms, Crow..? Crow: Oh.. *heh* yeah. Joel: Any new ideas? Crow: How about a story about a high-school love that no-one expected? Tom: Or a mystery thriller rife with intrigue, ancient rivalries, and ninja assassins? Joel: Guys, you can both be right! You can have a story about ancient ninja rivalries and romance in a wacky, offbeat high school! Bots: Hmm.. Crow: Nah. Tom: It'll never work. Joel: Well, we'll have to put this on hold. Ann and Alan are calling. Dr.F: Howdy, Moonlight Knight. You know, lately I've been having difficulty procuring truly bad fanfics to assault you with, so I've invented a machine to solve that problem forever! I call it "the Pornograph". You simply fill out a short form describing each character involved, set the pain level, and voila! Frank? Frank:I've taken the time to fill out these forms for Kyoko Otonashi and Shun Mitaka, both of _Maison Ikkoku_ fame. I'll set the pain level to ten out of fifty, and.. (He fires up the Pornograph. It shakes for a second, then extrudes a typed sheet. Dr. F takes the sheet and begins to read.) > Kyoko pulled Mitaka on top of her. He swung one leg over her >torso and started siding down her body. They started making out and >wrapped their arms around each other. Mitaka rubbed his cock at the >entrance of her juicy slit and tried to work it in. Kyoko was desperate >to get fucked and panted, "Come on Mitaka, stick it in me." Dr.F: You get the idea. The ball's in your court, Spiro. Joel: Well, we were discussing cartoons and wondered: Is "Beast Wars" the best possible successor to "Transformers"? Tom: Not even! Joel: So we came up with our own version: All: Yeast Wars! (Joel takes what appears to be a pile of baked goods out from under the desk.) Crow: See, the Transformers found this space bakery with lots of energons, and to absorb them, they had to become the native baked goods! Tom: Now the righteous Croutobots must do battle with the vicious Breadicons for control of the bakery! Joel: The advantages should be obvious. Edible toys are an idea whose time has come.. not to mention the possibility of a restaurant tie-in that doesn't suck. Tom: What d'you think? Dr.F: Are you sure that the toys are the only thing up there that's baked? Anyway, your experiment this week is the next turgid episode in the epic saga of "Sailor Moon Hentai". Fire when ready, Frank. Frank:Fire one! All: We've got fanfic sign! (G,6,5,4,3,2,1) Tom: (muttering) Sourdough, indeed.. >Sailor Pleasure here! All: Huh? > Carlos has allowed me to be his Co-Author >and so I'll be writing parts 4-6. Tom: Oh kay... Crow: I think Carl's "Griffin And Sabine" thing is getting a little out of hand.. > If you want to talk to me, >about anything having to do with this series, e-mail me at: >oneechan@hotmail.com Joel: Well, I have to admit she's taking this awfully well for someone who had a lemon character based on her. >And if you wish to talk to the original author about things >you think I might not know, e-mail him at: >carlosvincent@hotmail.com Tom: I think my questions can be summarized thusly: Why? >And..now we have our own web page dedicated to this series! Crow: Oh, woo hoo. >Check it out: >http://members.tripod.com/~carlosvincent/intro.html >Umm..oh yeah! My sister, is the one who came up with the cat, Tom: Well, this is just a guess, but I think the credit for the cats should actually go to Takeuchi. >so she deserves full credit for that. Joel: Or blame, as the case may be. > If you want me to tell >her what you think of her idea, umm..e-mail me and I'll tell >her. Now, all hentai rules apply. Crow: Well, let's see.. "Thou shalt not include thyself"? Tom: Broken. Crow: "Thou shalt not inexplicably revive defunct characters"? Joel: Broken. Crow: "Thou shalt not have thy characters orgasm without some kind of physical contact"? Tom: Buh-roken! Crow: "Thou shalt not create a horde of new characters, mightier indeed than any in the original series, yea, and they shall not make the originals look like wimps, for that is an abomination unto St. Kibo"? Joel: Snap! > The Hentai Senshi, Darkside, >Chris Aceto, and Star Gazer are property of Sailor Pleasure and >Carlos Vincent. Tom: (Carl) Dibs on Bumblebee Girl! > Sailor Moon is property of Takeuchi Naoko and >Toei. Joel: The rest of the SM universe belongs to a guy named Jake in South Dakota. >--------------------------------------------------------------- >Sailor Moon Hentai, Part 4 >"Bridging" Crow: (monster voice) I am Tomo, the youma of rhinoplasty! >By: Sailor Pleasure > > Sailor Pleasure lay on her bed and was still deeply >wounded from the previous attack. Tom: (British) I have been.. ill. > She had her eyes open and >she was lying on her bed. She smiled and tried to stay calm. Crow: (Pleasure) Okay, girl.. you can do it.. the walls are my friends.. >She gazed around her room with semi-frightened eyes. Star >Gazer sat in a chair, but then she got up. She walked over >to Sailor Pleasure. "Pleasure-chan, the time has come for >us to become one." Joel: (Star Gazer) It could be very, very pleasant. > Star Gazer said. Star Gazer began to glow >and before she entered her body, turned to the Sailor and >Hentai Senshi. "Let Tuxedo Kamen know that a friend he has >know for a long time is to return." Gazer said and entered >Pleasure's body. Crow: Hell-lo! Tom: Well, that was sudden. > Immediately, she stopped gasping for breath Crow: (Lloyd Bridges) By this time my lungs weren't aching for air! >and a ring fell into her hand. The ring was midnight blue and >gold. It also had a eye with a star inside engraved on it. Joel: One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them.. >Suddenly, a strange feeling came over her and she raised >the ring into the air. > "Star Gazer..MAKE UP!" She screamed. Tom: o/~ You know you make me wanna SHOUT! > Suddenly, a mass >of gold energy exploded out of the ring and circled her knees. >Then her blue star ribbon emitted and twisted around the energy >and it reattached to the ring. The she spun and the ribbon >circled around her and made her fuku. Then she did her stance >and looked over her new fuku. Crow: Strike a pose! > She had a white sailor suit and >a blue skirt, high heels (an exact copy of the ones Sailor V >had), end tips of her gloves, tiara crystal, brooch, and >chocker. Her bows, earrings, and chocker pendant were gold. Joel: Nobody will be seated during the thrilling "fashion show" scene. >The outfit, since it was a Sailor Senshi uniform, made her >look and feel better. Crow: Well, I dunno how they _feel_, but they sure look great! > That skin tight uniform she had used >before was making breathing uneasy. Tom: Since when don't the senshi wear skintight dresses? > She smiled again. The >outfit suited her. She then hugged her friends, as a unknown >person was watching over them. Joel: That would be us. Tom: Hi! > * * * * > > The next day, all was well. Crow: Twelve of the clock and ALL'S WELL! > Except Kelly came late to >class. She opened the door as Aceto-sensei had just begun teaching >Astronomy. Tom: (Aceto) This is the "chapter break" constellation. > As she shut the door, Aceto-sensei turned. "Ah, Moule-san, >decided to show?" He asked, gazing at her with his pupiless black >eyes. Joel: Ouch! Man, people are getting beaten up left and right in this series! > (Note: His eyes are so black they look like they have no pupils) Tom: Oh. Well, that makes perfect- huh? >Just one look at her and her legs were already jelly. Crow: (Kelly) I'm melting.. melting! What a world.. what a world.. > How in the HELL >did he do this?! She blinked and smiled. "Hai, sorry I'm late." Kelly >said and sat down. His eyes stayed on her for a moment. Joel: (Kelly) Ew! Get them off! > She knew he >recalled her. He had just sent her an e-mail last night telling her >how great it was. Crow: Ahem. > "To get back to where we left off..the sun rotates.." >His voice went off as Kelly began to think to herself. She began to >daydream. All: (daydream FX from Wayne's World) > She closed her eyes and invisioned a beautiful park. She >and Chris were lounging on a picnic blanket, laughing. Joel: (Kelly) Oh, Chris! Isn't it so nice? It's like a carnival every day. *chuckle* Oh, I wish these days could go on just like this forever and ever.. Chris.. Bots: (back off) Tom: Joel.. Are you ok? > When it >ended, Chris cleared his throat. Crow: Snickersnag! > "Umm..Kelly..I want to--I mean >I ask you.. Tom: (Aceto) Damn, what's my line? > oh! Will you marry me?" Chris asked as he showed her >the ring. "Oh Chris," She began. Crow: (Kelly) You poor, deluded fool. > "Yes..with all my soul I say, >yes." She said as he placed the ring on her finger. He then took >her close and before he kissed her, said, "I love you Moule-san." >She smiled as their lips met. "I love you too, Aceto-san." Just >before they did, he whispered again. "I love you..Moule-san." Tom: *snif* That was beautiful. > "Moule-san? MOULE-SAN!" Joel: o/~ I just met a girl named Moule-san.. > Genjuro-sensei exploded. Tom: Hey! That's my schtick! He stole it! > Kelly >jumped and looked up, noticing all the students were gone. Crow: Wow. That was _some_ explosion. > Genjuro >and Aceto-sensei were still in the room. "Class went to lunch." >Genjuro-sensei added and she nodded, grabbed her lunch and walked >out of class. Joel: (Kelly) Sensei, give me back my lunch! > Ida and Tai were outside waiting for her, with a >new girl. Crow: (Ida) Sorry, Kelly, but we've got a new leader. Tom: (Tai) Yeah, we were getting sick of being "vaguely familiar". Joel: (new girl) My name's Marissa. Kneel before me! > "Hi Ida, Tai!" Kelly said and sat down next to them. >"Hi." They both said. "Kelly, this is Rosa DeVega. She just >joined our class fifteen minutes ago. Crow: Five gets ya ten she's a senshi. Tom: You're on. > She's from Spain." Tai said. >"Hola, Rosa! Como estas?[Hello, Rosa. How are you?]" Kelly asked, >in her expert spanish. Joel: (Rosa) You take that back about my ostrich! > "Bien Espanol, mi amiga! Bien, gracias. Y >tu?[Good Spanish, my friend! Fine, thank you. And you?]" Rosa replied. Tom: (Kelly) Damn! I didn't expect her to actually know Spanish! >"Bien. Rosa, do you speak english?" Kelly asked. "Yes, more than >I do Spanish." She replied. Joel: Excuse me? She comes from Spain, she's named Rosa de Vega, and she speaks more English than Spanish? How much sense does that make? For that matter, why would they be talking in English if, as the author has taken great pains to make clear, the whole thing is taking place in Japan? Tom: Nice one. I give it a.. 4.2. > Kelly smiled. Rosa had long blue hair, >some of it put back in a bow (think Minako) and black eyes. Crow: (Tai) We figured ya might want her a little.. softened up. > As >they finished their lunch, Kelly sensed something about Rosa. >Something..evil.. Joel: EVIL! EVIL, EVIL, EVIL!! > > * * * * > > "Umi-chan, tell me.. Tom: (Vira) o/~ What do the simple folk do.. > was Sailor Pleasure taken care of?" Crow: You want I should.. take care of her? Joel: No, no! Take her out, show her a good time.. > Mistress >Vira asked as she looked her over. "Hai, Mistress Vira-sama. I don't >think she will be any bother to us..ever..again.." Tom: (Umi) Whoa! Nodded off for a sec.. > Umi smiled, and glanced >over at Chi, who was smiling as well. "Still, there is this Star Gazer. >She warned us of her joining with Pleasure." Joel: (Chi) Awfully civil of her, that.. most nemeses these days actually try to _conceal_ their actions! > Chi added. "Hmm..I suggest >you find out if this is true." Mistress Vira said. "Hai." Chi answered. Crow: (Chi) Yes, Mistress.. of course, Mistress.. anything you bloody well desire, Mistress.. >"Also, Chi-chan..Doku, Kurai and I are wondering.. Tom: (Aku) Why _do_ fools fall in love? > since yesturday you and >Umi have ceased fighting. What happened?" Aku asked. Chi looked at Umi >who shrugged. Crow: (Umi) Beats me. _I_ couldn't tell. > "The truth is, Aku-san..that Chi-san and I have become >lovers." Umi said, here eyes glistening. Joel: Here viewers bored. > "Lovers? After all this hatred?" >Doku asked. "Yes, it seems right. The hatred turned into passionate lust. >I've seen it happen before." Kurai said, interupting the silence. Tom: Oh, if the great Kurai says it can happen, who am I to dispute? > "Well, >perhaps it was all for the better." Vira said. "Perhaps." Aku and Doku >said. "Now Chi, I want you to go at them again. Be off." Mistress Vira >said as he nodded and disappeared. > * * * * Crow: At first, nine of the colonies weren't too confident. > > Meanwhile, a blue furred, gold eyed cat with a rose on her >forehead walked after Rosa. "Rosa!" She called. Rosa turned at looked >at the cat. Joel: (Rosa) Oh man, I'm having a flashback! > "Are you talking to me?" Rosa asked. "Yes. My name is >Geri, and I am your guardian cat. Tom: Man, her career sure went downhill after quitting the Spice Girls. > Quickly, take this..(flips and a wand >appears) Crow: (Rosa) Oh, my! Naughty, naughty cat! Joel: Crow! > ..and shout 'Rose Romance Power, Make up!'." Geri said. >Rosa nodded. She raised the wand. > > "Rose Romance Power.." She began as the wand released itself >from her hands and began to spin. Then red energy flowed to her >fingernails and colored them a rose red. Joel: I've often wondered; what would happen if she stopped right there? > > "MAKE UP!" She exclaimed. The wand then touched her arms as she >began to spin and made her gloves. It then touched her feet and made >her laced up boots were made. The it touched her chest and her top >appeared. It then drew a circle around her waist and made her skirt. >Finally it touched her forehead, ears, and neck to make the final >parts of her fuku. She then did her stance and checked out her very >detailed fuku. > > The skirt was white, with red roses all around. The bows was >also like this, as were the end tips of her gloves, her brooch was >gold, and had the sign of the rose on it. Her sailor suit was white >and her chocker had a gold pendant that was a rose, the chocker itself >was like the skirt. The boots, went up to her kneecaps and were white >with red rims (think Mercury). Her tiara was gold and she had a >rose shaped ruby tiara crystal. Crow: Whatever. We have great difficulty caring at this point. > > "Quickly Sailor Rose..the Darkside has arrived, we must >attack!" Geri said as they ran off. > > * * * * > > "PLEASURE HENTAI POWER, MAKE UP!" Tom: Oh boy! Another thrilling mass transformation! > "MOUTH HENTAI POWER, MAKE UP!" > "TONGUE HENTAI POWER, MAKE UP!" > "BREAST HENTAI POWER, MAKE UP!" > "NIPPLE HENTAI POWER, MAKE UP!" > > Then the Sailor Senshi took aim. Crow: No, five will be plenty. Trust us. > > "MOON ETERNAL, MAKE UP!" Joel: Aw, man! How many senshi do they think they'll need? > "MERCURY CRYSTAL POWER, MAKE UP!" > "MARS CRYSTAL POWER, MAKE UP!" > "JUPITER CRYSTAL POWER, MAKE UP!" > "VENUS CRYSTAL POWER, MAKE UP!" > "URANUS PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!" > "NEPTUNE PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!" > "PLUTO PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!" > "SATURN PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!" Tom: Fifteen, apparently. Joel: Y'know, at this rate we'll eventually get an episode with nothing but transformations. > > * * * * > > Chi had already appeared. Then, he heard a voice call out. Tom: Now somebody SCREAM! >"Halt, you Nega-Perv! I am Sailor Rose, and on behalf of all romance, >I shall kill you!" Rose said. > > "Blood..CURDLE!" > > "Rose Thorns..SPIRALING!" Rose yelled as millions of thorns >headed at Chi. He screamed in pain as they hit him. Crow: Geez.. this is a lot more brutal than the Hentai Senshi we know and love. We need kinder, gentler hentai. > Then the Sailor >and Hentai Senshi appeared. "Sailor Moon! Only you can make him >sorry!" Rose said, sounding like Tuxedo Kamen. Joel: Why? You did a perfectly good job on us. > > "Right! Silver Moon Crystal Power..KISS!" She screamed >and shot the attack at Chi, but he ducked in time. > > "Rose Cresent Kiss..BURN!" Rose yelled, she blew a kiss >as a shaft of posionious liquid concentrated with it. Tom: Who's the man? All: It's Shaft of Poisonous Liquid! > Then Umi appeared >as it hurtled at him and she took the attack. > > "UMI!!" Chi screamed as her badly burned body hit the ground. >Chi collected her as they vanished. Joel: (Chi) Badly burned.. that'll take her down to "poor"! > > "Well done, Sailor and Hentai Senshi!" Sailor Rose said >and with that, vanished. Crow: Yeah, great job killing the most sympathetic character thus far! > > From afar, Tuxedo Kamen had been watching. Tom: Not that that has anything to do with anything. It's just true. > > Crow: End, damn you, en- oh. Tom: Let's go. Joel: We're outtie. (1,2,3,4,5,6,G) Crow: Hey, is it just me, or is "Sailor Moon Hentai" distinctly lacking in lemon? Joel: Well, there was episode 2.. Crow: Yeah, but there was nothing else! Tom: Well, I'm sure more'll turn up sooner or later. Crow: Wanna bet? Double or nothing from the Rosa thing? Tom: You're on. Joel: Well, while we're on the subject, what characters would you like to see a scene between that you've never seen done? Tom: Hmm.. I'd like to see Naru with anyone. She really faded into the woodwork after the first story arc, and I'd like to think that she's getting some. Usagi seems the most likely partner, though Umino is a possibility.. obviously, I'd rather see it with Usagi. Joel: Interesting.. Crow? Crow: I'd like to see a scene between Haruka and Michiru, believe it or not. Tom: Oh, c'mon, Crow. There must be zillions of those. Crow: Name two. Tom: Um.. Crow: My point exactly. Joel: I never thought of it, but you're right.. Anyway, I'd like to see an Ami/Urawa lemon. The possibilities of heterosexual sex scenes are often woefully underestimated, and that's one I've never seen. Tom: Of course, we're no experts. If you've seen these scenes, drop us a line at unspokenname@hotmail.com. We'd love to know about 'em! Joel: Whaddaya think, sirs? Dr.F: I think you three have far too much free time. Push the button, Frank. Frank:Yessir. (Frank walks forward and pushes the but-) | \ | / \ | / \ | / \ | / \|/ --------O-------- /|\ / | \ / | \ / | \ / | \ | Whaddaya think? Tell me at unspokenname@hotmail.com. Remember, it won't get better without feedback! "Sailor Moon Hentai" belongs to Carlos Vincent and Sailor Pleasure. Knock yerselves out. MST3K belongs to the Best Brains folks, naturally. The clip from "Lustfull" belongs to an unknown hentai. Everything else is mine, all mine! No insult is intended to Carl, Kelly, Xavier, or Geri; Rosa, however, can bite me. No croutons were harmed in the making of this feature. --Ben-San Arizona ______________________________________________________