Joel: Okay, everyone ready? Tom: Yup! Gypsy:Yeppers! Crow: Fine, fine.. Joel: Okay, then! Tom: One, two.. One, two, three, four.. Crow & Gypsy: o/~ While I'm far away from you, my baby.. Crow: Oh, heck! Joel, why do I have to be Michelle? Tom: Look, Crow. We decided that you had the best voice for Mama Michelle when we started this whole thing! Crow: Is your name Joel? Tom: (muttered) Well, ex-cuuse me! Joel: Hey, cool it! Crow, we don't think you're a girl any more than we think I can play the guitar. It's just that we have more guys than girls up here. Crow: Well, why can't I be a Papa instead? Joel: Because neither of the Papas was blond. Crow: Oh. Okay. Tom: Take two! (fade to eyecatch as they start singing "Dedicated to the One I Love") Tom: Thank you! Thank you! Gypsy:Can I get back to what I was doing now? Joel: Sure, Gyps. The Mads will be calling soon, anyways. (Exit Gypsy.) Crow: Y'know, we could be on to something here. Joel: Okay, guys. Zann and Jayna are calling. Dr.F: Hello there, California Dreamers. Our invention this week is a fashion innovation whose time has come. It's a variant on the classic Bulma-style tubetop: the Tele-Tubetop! Come on out, Frank. (Frank enters, wearing a furry tubetop with a fuzzy screen on the belly.) Dr.F: It combines the allure of the tubetop with the hypnotic powers of television. Nobody will be able to resist wearing it! Joel: That's great, sirs, but how is it more evil than any other fashion innovation? Dr.F: I was hoping you'd ask that. Frank, recite the Gettysburg Address. Frank:Gibbly wuggle zeeby zeeby noo-noo, worbly bing-bing snorf! Dr.F: Thank you, Frank. That will suffice. Back to you, Musketeers. Tom: Well, we amateur economists up here on the Satellite of Love have been studying the bubble economy of the Beanie Baby market, and decided that it can be prolonged indefinately. Crow: All you need is an element of action and a plot. The theory is that this will stimulate continued interest in the series. Joel: We figured, "If it can work for G.I. Joe, it can work for us." In that spirit, we've created what we call "Beanie Baddies". Crow: See, here's "Murphy the Mugger Manatee". Tom: And this is "Flynn the Embezzling Elephant". Dr.F: Corrupting the hearts of young 'uns.. I wouldn't have thought you capable of it, Joel. Joel: Oh, you know as well as I do that kiddies'll never get their hands on "collectable pieces" like these. Dr.F: You may have something there.. I hesitate to speculate what. Your experiment this week, bumpkin, is yet another installment of "Sailor Moon Hentai". Twist the thumbscrews, Frank. Frank:Gorble! All: We've got fanfic sign!! (G,6,5,4,3,2,1) Tom: I liked Bill the Paper Tiger, myself. >Sailor Pleasure, once more! Back again my friends? Joel: With friends like these.. > Hope so. >Ok, if you have any questions, Crow: (author) ..bite me. > please e-mail me at: >oneechan@hotmail.com Tom: Big Sister is watching you.. >And if you have any questions for Carlos, e-mail him at: >carlosvincent@hotmail.com >Also, visit the Sailor Moon Hentai Home Page: Crow: AKA Hell.. >http://members.tripod.com/~carlosvincent/intro.html >Now, all hentai rules apply. Tom: (author) We control the vertical. We control the horizontal. > The Hentai Senshi, Darkside, >Chris Aceto, Star Gazer, and Sailor Rose belong to us. >Sailor Moon belongs to Takeuchi Naoko and Toei. Joel: Hey! Who owns Genjuro-sensei? He's the coolest guy in this mess! >----------------------------------------------------------- >Sailor Moon Hentai, Part 5 Crow: Further proof that some people never learn. >"Granted Serenity" >By: Sailor Pleasure > > Kelly walked the halls of Taiyo Gaken. Tom: (Kelly) Sanctuary.. sanctuary!! > As she opened her >eyes, Crow: Wait.. she was walking around with her _eyes closed_? Joel: (Kelly) *wham* Okay, that's where the hall turns.. *pow* Okay, that's the door.. *whompwhompwhompwhompwhomp* Okay, that's the stairway.. > she saw Chris walking to the door. "CHRIS!!" Tom: (Chris) Gyah! It's her! > She called and >began to run up to him. He turned, and when he saw it was her, >smiled. Joel: (Chris) Smile and nod.. Smile and nod.. > Waiting for her to come closer, he stood there. But there >was a small crack on the floor Crow: The interstellar bovine butt bandits strike again! > and she tripped, landing in Chris' >arms. On the way, her lips landed on his and she ended up kissing >him quite passionately. Tom: Sure. Next you'll say the force of the fall launched her tongue out of her mouth. Crow: And caused her hands to fly to his- Joel: Crow.. > She stood there for a mere five seconds >before breaking away. She blushed, and then cried as she ran >off. Joel: (Kelly) *snif* I.. I have felt lust for a man.. > Chris, not knowing what else to do, blushed slightly and >walked to his car. Crow: (Chris) What the heck was that? > Tai and Ida were outside with Rosa and they >were talking as the door burst open. Terrified at first, they >looked to see what was wrong. Joel: Since, after all, no one uses the door unless something's wrong. > When they saw it was her, they >ran to her. "Kelly, what's wrong?" Tai asked. Kelly cried for >a little bit before saying, "I kissed Ch-- Tom: Charo? Joel: Charles Barkley? Crow: Chibi-usa? > I mean Aceto-sensei." Joel: Oh. Crow: At least I was wrong. >Rosa's, Tai's, and Ida's eyes lit up. Tom: (girls) Aah! The pain! > "You kissed our teacher?" >Rosa asked. "I knew him, back in America. He was a teacher at >a place called Slyvan. Crow: Slyvan the Family Stone? > He quit later on, after he had found a >better job. Joel: (Kelly) It paid nothing, had no benefits, and involved pool cues and poultry, but at least they gave him scraps. > A week or so after that, I joined the Student >Exchange Program and that's how I got here. Tom: Guess which side got shafted. > But I CAN'T >believe I did that!! I'm such a shithead!" Kelly screamed, >cursing herself out. > "Mi amiga [My friend], you are acting too harsh on >yourself. Tell me what happened." Rosa said, sitting her >down. Kelly took a few breaths before she said anything. Crow: (Kelly) I'm in a badly-written semi-lemon fanfic series where I lead a group of Perverted Warriors, last week my entire group was raped, and I was just forced by plot contrivance into a passionate kiss with a guy I barely know. What's new with you? >"OK, I was walking down the hall to meet you guys. So, I >open my eyes and see Aceto-sensei, or what I use to call him, >Chris. Joel: These days she just calls him "Stinky". > Anyway, I called his name and ran over. On the way >I tripped, knocking myself into his arms and ended up kissing >him." Kelly said, nervously. Tom: By the way.. I know this is actually a fairly common plot device in romantic comedies and h-anime, but have you ever actually thought about the odds of that happening? I mean, the mouth is a pretty small area when you think about it, especially on most anime characters. It's much more likely that they'd just bang foreheads. Joel: I think this is one we have to attribute to writer's fiat. You have to admit, it's more romantic than a concussion. > "Mi amiga, sounds like your day >had poco [little] fun in it. Go home, we'll see you later." >Rosa said, smiling. Kelly smiled back. "Gracias [Thank you], >mi amiga. Hasta Pronto [See you later]." Crow: Okay! We know that you took Spanish already, now enough! > Kelly said and >walked off. Tom: A cliff? Crow: No such luck. > On her way home, she looked up and saw a familiar >brunette. "Mako-chan!" Kelly called and walked quickly up >to her. Mako smiled. Joel: As sharks are prone to doing. > "How's it going, Kelly-chan?" Mako asked. >"It was a OK day..I guess.." Kelly said. "You don't sound too >sure." Mako said. Crow: (Kelly) Well, naturally I'm a little nervous talking to the living incarnation of the world's lifeforce.. > Kelly was silent. "Why don't you come over >and we'll have a nice bowl of soup. Then a good chat. Sound >good?" Mako asked. "Oh, I'd love it. Arigato. Let's go!" All: (start humming "Lemmings" theme) > Kelly >smiled and they walked to her house. > * * * * Joel: I want to see Starz! > > > Umi awoke, her skin was covered in a bright light. Tom: I.. have SEEN the LIGHT! Joel: Ohh, yeah! Tom: And I do DEclare.. Crow: DEclare.. Tom: Um.. I forgot. > Once it >vanished, she was 100% better. Crow: Yeah, she's back up to "Fine" now. > She smiled and stood up. Chi walked >to her and she hugged him. "Oh Umi. I was so frightened. I thought >you were gone." Chi said, embracing her in a warm, tender kiss. Tom: Hey! Could it be.. Joel: A tender, emotional, character-developing scene? I think it just may be! All: (look attentively at the screen, not wanting to miss a single bit of the imminent touching scene.) > The >passion that impaled her was overwhelming, and she broke the kiss >only to moan quietly as he massaged her pussy at the same time. Tom: Damn! You almost had it there, Kelly.. >Frantic to feel his skin close to hers, she ripped away his shirt >and took hers off, as well as her bra. She stood by him, teasing >him with her breasts. Joel: (Umi) Is this bugging you? I'm not touching you.. > Their pink nipples gently touched his abdomen >and he shivered in response. He then scooped her up as he kissed >her with a deep passion. Tom: Remember, a Friendly's scoop is a tennis ball, not a golf ball. > He laid her on the bed. Crow: The shortest lemon scene in fanfic history, ladies and gentlemen! > He removed her >pants and extremely wet panties as she removed his and they laid >there, naked. Joel: Huh. I never figured Chi for a crossdresser. > Umi under Chi. He began to lick her nipples. >"Oh my GOD!" Tom: (Umi) It's full of stars! > She exclaimed as her musky sweet scent filled the room. >Her clint now lubricated with love juice. Crow: (Old West townsperson) They say it put six villages into comas! Tom: (ditto) I done heard it killed three veteran MSTers! Joel: (ditto) They call it.. the Fic with No Point! > She saw his cock and that >turned her on more. She pushed him down and squatted down infront >of him. He began to lick her swelling pussy as she moaned in sheer >pleasure. Tom: Okay, so she's crouching down and.. wait.. no, he's licking her.. hang on a second.. I'm not sure this works. > "Umi..prepare to loose your virginity.." He smiled as he >laid her down. Joel: This is, what, the third time that he's laid her down? Shouldn't she be down already? > He raised his now rock hard cock and was about to >thrust inside her when, "I already have..but finish the job.." >Umi whispered as he entered her. The shockwaves of pleasure she felt >were too much to handle. "Uhhh!" She screamed as he went deeper >and deeper, faster and faster. Until they erected and laid together, >breathing heavily. Tom: (laughing) Until they _erected_? Crow: (ditto) So they hadn't already? Wouldn't that have made sex kinda tricky? > "Umi! Chi! Mistress Vira-sama has ordered you to go down >and take care of them!" Aku said. All: Gyah! Joel: (Chi) Aku! What a.. surprise! > They left without delay, this time, with clothes on. > > * * * * Tom: o/~ Do you want to swing on a star? > > "MOON ETERNAL, MAKE UP!" > "MERCURY CRYSTAL POWER, MAKE UP!" > > But for some reason, Mercury's frizzled and disappeared. As >did the rest of theirs, when Moon finished, she was fine. Then >Queen Serenity appeared. Joel: Suddenly, a shot rang out! Crow: A pirate ship appeared on the horizon! > > "QUEEN SERENITY-SAMA!" They all exclaimed. Tom: (Queen Serenity) Agh! My ears! > > "Members of the Royal Court. I am afraid these powers no >longer work for you. Crow: (Queen Serenity) They've gone on strike. I had to hire scabs. > I have come down to give you your new powers." >Queen Serenity said as she opened her hand. Four rings were inside. Joel: One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them.. >The were plastic and circular. Crow: (Queen Serenity) Do you like them? They were three box tops each! > Each had the color and sign of the >Inner Senshi. Queen Serenity handed the blue one to Ami. > > "Mizuno Ami-chan. You must wear this ring always, as do >all of you, for it holds your power. Tom: (Ami) All at once? That could get kinda tough. > Raise it and shout, 'Mercury >Planet Power, Make up!'." Queen Serenity said. Ami nodded. > > "Mercury Planet Power..MAKE UP!" She screamed. Suddenly, >a explosion occured as ice blue energy circled her in a north-south >direction (Like this: () ) Joel: Thanks, Kelly. That was a _big_ help. > that came from the ring. Then her >ribbon emited and circled around and attached itself to the energy. >Then it reattached to the ring as her diamond brooch appeared on her >chest and her normal transformation went on from there. When she >finished, she had a diamond brooch and it had her sign in gold, to >match her ring. And the edge of her skirt had a trim of gold. Tom: Uh.. great. Just great. > > Queen Serenity then handed Rei the red one with the sign >of Mars. "Hino Rei-chan. Behold the power of Eternal Sailor Mars. >Raise this and shout, 'Mars Planet Power, Make up!'." Queen Serenity >said. Crow: G'wan, I dare ya! > > "MARS PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!" She yelled. Joel: What, is Rei a goddess all of a sudden? Crow: Ohh, yeah! Joel: (edges away from Crow) > Suddenly, a >explosion occured as red energy spewed out of the ring and went >down around her feet. It billowed up to her neck, surrounding >her body in the energy, then her rings of fire ribbon came down >over that. Tom: o/~ Goodness gracious, great rings of fire! > Her brooch appeared on her chest as rings came one >with the energy, creating her suit. Her normal transformation >took it from there. When she was done, she had a diamond brooch >and it had her sign in gold, to match her ring. And the edge of >her skirt had a trim of gold. Crow: Is she going to do this for all the Senshi? Tom: Looks like. Crow: Anyone for rock-paper-scissors? > > Queen Serenity then handed Mako the green one with the >sign of Jupiter engraved on it. "Kino Mako-chan. The Power Of >Eternal Sailor Jupiter can be yours. Joel: For just $9.95 plus shipping and handling! > Just raise the ring and >shout, 'Jupiter Planet Power, Make up!'." Serenity said. > > "Jupiter Planet Power Make..UP!" Jupiter exclaimed. Suddenly, >a explosion occured as green energy formed her atom molecule sign. >Then her ribbon of lightening formed on top of it. Shafts of the >energy began to shoot at the places on her body that were covered >by her suit. Crow: (Sailor Jupiter) Owie owie owie! > When it finally finished, the rest of her transformation, >normal as it was, took place. When she was done, she had a diamond brooch >and it had her sign in gold, to match her ring. And the edge of >her skirt had a trim of gold. Joel: Yee flippin' haw. > > Queen Serenity gave Minako the orange one with the sign >of Venus etched on it in gold. "Aino Minako-chan. Experience >the all loving power of Venus. Crow: All RIGHT! Now this is more like it! > Take the ring and shout, 'Venus >Planet Power, Make up!'." Serenity explained. > > "VENUS PLANET POWER..MAKE UP!" Minako called. Suddenly, >a explosion occured Tom: Beep beep! > as nine energy bubbles, shaped as yellow hearts, >emited from her ring. Then a ring of her orange star ribbon encircled >her feet. Joel: Next come the blue diamonds and green clover. > The ribbon came in contact with her body and made the >necessary lining to create her high heels. Then two bubbles went >to the ribbon and when they popped, formed her high heels. The the >ring went up and did her top, then one bubble hit it and made the >top. The the ribbon split and did her arms. One bubble hit each and >formed her golves. The the ribbon reconnected at the neck and split, >some of it round her neck, two at her ears, split down the center, >and reconnecting at her forehead to make her tiara jewel. Then four >bubbles, hit her ears, neck, and forehead and made her suit complete. Crow: Y'know, that might've been really cool had it been animated. Tom: Yeah, but in plain text it's just confusing. >Then she finished with her stance. When she was done, she had a diamond >brooch and it had her sign in gold, to match her ring. And the edge of >her skirt had a trim of gold. > > "Excellent! They worked. Joel: Finally! Can we have some plot now? > Now, Outer Senshi. All: NOOOOO!! > You hold the >power within to become Emperium Outer Sailor Senshi. Tom: Um, excuse me? Pluto can bend time and space to her will, and Saturn can destroy all life in the cosmos. How much of a powerup do they actually need? > First, I must >take your weapons." Queen Serenity said and they handed her the >Space Sword, Deep Aqua Mirror, Silence Glaive and Time Staff. Then >she handed them each a star shaped plastic ring in their color. Crow: Yeah, I'm sure that the Silence Glaive pales beside the mighty Crackerjack Ring! >Their signs etched in silver. > > "Ten'ou Haruka-chan, raise this ring and shout, 'Uranus >Cosmic Power, Make up!'. Obtain the power." Serenity smiled. Tom: (sotto voce) We've secretly replaced Uranus' ring with Folger's Crystals. Let's see if she notices the difference. >Haruka raised the ring. > > "Uranus Cosmic Power..Make..UP!" She screamed. A fire of >Earth circled her, as a explosion occured, causing a dark blue >energy blob to form above her head. It then circled down around >her and as the transformation sequence came to a end, the energy >attached to her body and finished the suit. She then did her stance. Crow: Strike a pose! >She had a star shaped brooch with her sign etched in silver, to >match her ring. And the edge of her skirt had a trim of silver. > > "Kaiou Michiru-chan, the power is within. Joel: (Captain Planet) The power is yours! > The waves >at sea are your calling. And no power is more homemade, than >the power of Emperium Sailor Neptune. Tom: Anyone else get the feeling that Serenity is making this all up as she goes along? > Raise this ring and >shout, 'Neptune Planet Power, Make up!'." Serenity said. > > "Neptune Cosmic Power..Make..UP!" She yelled. A fire of >Water circled her, Crow: That would be pretty neat if it made any sense. > as a explosion occured, causing a sea blue >energy blob to form above her head. It then circled down around >her and as the transformation sequence came to a end, the energy >attached to her body Tom: (Neptune) Aah! Get it off me! > and finished the suit. She then did her stance. >She had a star shaped brooch with her sign etched in silver, to >match her ring. And the edge of her skirt had a trim of silver. > > "Meiou Setsuna-chan, the power of time, know as Pluto >is closed behind a door. Open it with the right key. Joel: (Pluto) Um.. are you high? > Raise your >ring and shout, 'Pluto Cosmic Power, Make up!'." Serenity >explained. (Note: I have never heard about hers, none of the pages >tell me. I also don't know Hotaru's, so if I create a new one, I don't >care) Tom: Join the club. > > "Pluto Cosmic Power..Make..UP!" She yelled. Suddenly, >a explosion occured, causing a blob of garnet red energy to form >at her waist, which emited from the ring. Then a forset green >key ribbon floates around her body, attaching to the right areas, Crow: If ya know what I mean! >finally the energy lands over it and a flash occurs, then she >does her stance. She had a star shaped brooch with her sign etched >in silver, to match her ring. And the edge of her skirt had a trim >of silver. > > "Tomoe Hotaru-chan. The power you posses is very powerful >indeed. Silence seems to be the key to your power. Joel: (Serenity) So SHUT UP! Thank you. > Raise the ring, >shout, 'Saturn Cosmic Power, Make up!' and let the power flow >within." Serenity smiled, at a nodding Hotaru. Crow: (Serenity, stoned) I am so baked. > > "Saturn..Cosmic..Power..Make..UP!" She exclaimed. Suddenly, >a explosion occured, causing a blob of violet energy to become a >giant heart and circle around her. Tom: (stoner) Whoa.. > As her light blue ribbon comes >in contact with her body, the energy concentrates down with it, >becoming her suit. Then she does her stance. She had a star shaped >brooch with her sign etched in silver, to match her ring. And the >edge of her skirt had a trim of silver. > > "Now, I shall leave you to your duties." Queen Serenity >said and left. Joel: (Usagi) Okay, Mom's gone. You can get out the drinks! > > * * * * > > "PLEASURE HENTAI POWER, MAKE UP!" > "MOUTH HENTAI POWER, MAKE UP!" > "TONGUE HENTAI POWER, MAKE UP!" > "BREAST HENTAI POWER, MAKE UP!" > "NIPPLE HENTAI POWER, MAKE UP!" Crow: More senshi than you can shake a stick at! > > And somewhere else, Rosa was transforming as well. > > "Rose Romance Power..MAKE UP!" Tom: (deep announcer voice) Who's gonna be wearing a fuku next? > > * * * * > > Umi and Chi were awaiting their arrival. When they did arrive, >the Hentai Senshi and Sailor Rose immediately noticed the Sailor Senshi's >new uniforms. Immediately, they began to attack. Joel: C'mon, the uniforms aren't _that_ bad. > > "Chaotic Water..RAGE!" Mercury screamed, she raised her hands >to the sky and bubbles, mist, soap, ice water, and snow filled the air. Tom: So it's basically a combination of Shabon Spray, Shabon Spray: Freezing, and.. uh.. Shabon Spray: Liquid Irish Spring? > > "Venus Black Hole..ENGULF!" Venus yelled. She raised her hands >into the air as well, creating a black hole, engulfing Umi and Chi. Joel: So why exactly isn't this sucking in all the senshi as well? > > "Jupiter ThunderSword..SEVER!" Jupiter exclaimed. She unsheathed >a sword with her sign on it and a green handle, which was bedecked with >emeralds. She pointed it and it shot thunder and lightening inside the >black hole. Crow: Okay, they're dead already! We get the idea! > > "Rose Thorns..SPIRALING!" Rose called. This attack killed >Umi and Chi. They were all happy. Joel: (senshi) Woohoo! We just killed off the most sympathetic new characters! > > Except Aku..Doku..Kurai..and Mistress Vira-sama.. Tom: Well, I imagine Umi and Chi weren't throwing any parties either. > > Crow: There is a God. (1,2,3,4,5,6,G) Joel: Hit it! Joel: The fukus all are peach and my Netscape's grey.. I read me a fic On a fateful day.. I wouldn't be retching but my lunch wouldn't stay, Reading Hentai Senshi On such an evil day.. Tom: Trapped on the SOL, Y'know I'm forced to stay, Watching cheesy fanfics, It's for release I pray.. You know the doctor likes my suff'ring, He thinks my mind will fray.. Reading Hentai Senshi On such an evil day.. Crow: The fukus all are peach And my Netscape's grey.. I read me a fic On a fateful day.. I wouldn't mind it so much if the stars were gay.. Reading Hentai Senshi On such an evil day.. Tom: Crow, what was that? Crow: Well, excuse me for wanting to see a good old-fashioned Senshi jam session! There has been _NO_ good sex in this whole allegedly hentai series! Just that disturbing view into the collective psyche of the Hentai Senshi back in Episode 2 and a scene between two characters that might have been okay if we knew anything about what they looked like! Joel: Actually, I think that this series' Umi is supposed to look like Umi from MKR. Crow: Really? (He thinks for a moment, then develops a noseleak and passes out.) *thunk* Joel: Whoa! I didn't expect him to take it like _that_! Tom: That's his favorite character in all of anime, Joel. Let's just put him in his room before he wakes up and remembers their killing her in this episode. Joel: Good idea. Whaddaya think, sirs? Dr.F: Hmm.. You've just given me a brilliantly evil idea, Joel. Frank:You don't mean.. Dr.F: Yes! Yes! Both: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA-ack-cough.. Dr.F: Push the button, Frank. Frank:As you command, my lord. (Frank walks over and pushes the but-) | \ | / \ | / \ | / \ | / \|/ --------O-------- /|\ / | \ / | \ / | \ / | \ | Comments? Questions? Constructive criticism? Other things that start with a "k" sound? Send 'em all to unspokenname@hotmail.com. Remember, silence is violence. "Sailor Moon Hentai" and all of that ilk are property of Carlos Vincent and Sailor Pleasure, should they wish to claim it. The MST3K folks are property of Best Brains, the lucky bastards. "California Dreamin'" is copyright John and Michelle Phillips, who produced some of the best damn music of the folk-rock movement. I can't remember who created "Dedicated To The One I Love", but The Mamas & The Papas sang it better. Please don't sue me. Everything else in here is property of me, or close enough as makes no difference. --Ben-San Arizona > But for some reason, Mercury's frizzled and disappeared. As >did the rest of theirs, when Moon finished, she was fine. Then >Queen Serenity appeared.