Okay, okay, okay! Here we are, once again, with the MiSTing of Sailor X, Part Three! And, let me take this time out to wish a happy Thanksgiving to the SVAM community! I'm suffering from insomnia and the mother of all head colds, but I'm thankful! I'm thankful for my family, my cats, my computer, and my thumbs! We really take our thumbs for granted! Let's all give our thumbs a big thanks! Okay, let's do it! ============================================================= SAILOR X, PART THREE MiSTed by Michael O'Hare, the official Ernesto 'Che' Guevara look-alike of SVAM ============================================================= -*- Magical Girl Fic Theatre 3000, Show 106, Reel One... In a not so distant future, Somewhere in Deep 13, Dr. Forrestor and TV's Frank, Were forming a wicked scheme. They found an otaku named Mike O'Hare. The oddest guy you could find anywhere. Their experiment needed a good test case, So they whacked him on the head and then they shot him into space. ("I THOUGHT you two looked familiaaaaaaarr!!!") We'll send him cheesy fanfics, The worst we can find. (La La La!) He'll have to sit and read them all, He'll lose the rest of his mind. (La La La!) Now keep in mind Mike can't control how long the fanfics last, (La La La!) He's trying to save his sanity with the help of the magical girl cast. (cast character roll call!) Yohko! ("108 generations!") Sasami! ("I cook all the time!") Athena! ("Yattah!") REEEEEEEEEEIIIIII! ("I sense something evil!") Now you're wondering how they eat and breathe, and other science facts. (La La La!) Just repeat to yourself "I'm not up there, I should really just relax." For Magical Girl Fic Theatre 3000! (Guitar Twang.) (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog bone) At the bridge of the Satellite Of Bacon (SOB), someone had strung a banner up that read FIRST ANNUAL SOB BACON EATING CONTEST. Michael O'Hare and Athena Asamiya sat next to each other, a huge plate of bacon in front of each of them. Behind them stood Rei Hino and Yohko Mano, stopwatches in their hands, while Sasami added more bacon to the plates. "Is five minutes going to be enough?" Rei asked. "Let's hope so," Yohko replied. She then noticed the camera. "Oh, hi everyone," Yohko said, waving, "and welcome to the Satellite of Bacon. You're probably wondering what's going on here. Well, as you can see, Mike and Athena are having a Bacon Eating Contest." "It all started," Rei said, "when Mike bragged that he could eat more bacon faster then any living creature in the universe. Athena then challenged him to a contest." "We thought she was kidding," Yohko continued, "but, Mike accepted, one thing led to another, and here we are." "They're ready!" Sasami said, picking up a starting bell. Yohko sighed. "I can't believe we're doing this." "Ready, and..." "This is truly weird," Rei muttered. "GO!" Sasami rung the bell, and Mike immediately tore into his plate of bacon, while everyone, including Athena, watched. "Athena?" Sasami asked, "Aren't you going to start?" "I was kidding when I challenged him," Athena replied. "Then, why'd you let it go this far?" Yohko asked, slightly annoyed. "I just wanted to see if he was serious or not." Mike stopped, stared at Athena for a second, and continued devouring the bacon. Rei sighed and hit the flashing commercial sign button. "We'll be right back," she said. {MGFT3K Planet Logo} {And now, a word from some nice folks} New, from OddCo! It's Nothing! Only $99.99! Be the first on your block to spend almost a hundred dollars on Nothing! {Back to our show.} After eating a large plate of bacon in thirty seconds, one would expect to be very, very sick. And, that was exactly the condition Michael was in. From the bridge, the sounds of him violently retching could be heard. "He brought it on himself," Athena said, nodding in disapproval. "No, he didn't!" Rei shot back. "You talked him into this!" "No she didn't..." Mike yelled before continuing to upchuck. "Shouldn't we have given him something before it got this bad?" Sasami asked. "We did," Yohko said, pulling a bottle of pink liquid out from under the table. "We just didn't notice that Forrester's face was on it until he drank half the bottle." "Speaking of which," Rei said, tapping the Mads' button, "the evil maniacs are calling." The lights had been turned down in Deep 13. A long, curving table had been placed in the center, while a large TV set had been positioned behind it. The villains sat at the table, staring at their captives, the air thick with evil and arrogance. Forrester sat at the table's center, while TV's Frank served coffee and biscuits to the evil overlords and General Slavic, the Nod Commander, turned the TV on. "Hello, boobies," Forrester said. "As you can see, we've been doing some remodeling down here. No longer is it Deep Thirteen, but NOD'S EVIL TWISTED PHIREXIA NUMBER THIRTEEN!" "That's a pretty cumbersome name," Mike said. "Hey," Yohko said to him, "weren't you puking your guts out a minute ago?" "I'm better," Mike replied. "It's the perfect name," Calypso responded. "Why, with our combined powers, we've already destroyed every Disneyland and Six Flags in existence!" "Why are you targeting amusement parks?" Sasami asked. A silence fell over the group of evil masterminds. "DON'T YOU WASTES OF FLESH HAVE AN INVENTION EXCHANGE TO DO?" Yawgmoth cried. "Why, yes," Sasami said, rummaging under the table. "For our invention today," Athena continued, "we decided to solve the age-old problem of the constant loss of one's keys." Sasami pulled a circular, metallic key chain out from under the table and set it on top. "It's called the Hovering Key Droid," Yohko said. "This little droid has a remote connection to a microchip that you implant in your hand. If you lose it, all you have to do is give a verbal command into your hand, and the little guy will just fly right back to you. Neat, huh?" "Seems like a lot of trouble for keys," Rei said. "You've never lost your keys, have you?" Mike replied. "What do you think, sirs?" "PITIFUL FOOLS!" Yawgmoth bellowed. "OUR SUPERIOR MINDS HAVE BEATEN YOUR PITIFUL CREATION YET AGAIN!" "We have come up with an ingenious weapon that will ensure our victory," Kane said triumphantly, as Frank wheeled a desert cart full of pies into the room. "With these," Kane continued, "the world will be ours!" Dr. Evil pressed a button on the table, and the pies immediately sprouted little metal arms and legs. Each pie was armed to the teeth with little guns and explosives. "We call them Combat Pies," Dr. Evil said. "Think of it! Nobody suspects pies! One second, they'll be sitting there, harmless as can be! The next second, they've taken over France! MWA HA HA HA HA!!!" Dr. Evil's wicked laugh was echoed by the rest of the evil tyrants. "Well," Forrester said, "fun's fun, but now, it's time for your fic today. It's the next, thrilling installment of Sailor X. Enjoy." "These pies are making me hungry," Frank sighed and pressed the button to send the fic up. "Great," Yohko said, "now we have to find some way to stop this evil scheme." Suddenly, the sirens and klaxons went off. "It'll have to wait!" Rei yelled. "We've got FANFIC SIGN! (Dog bone, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...) REI: I'm going to look like a maniac in this story again, right? MIKE: Yup. SASAMI: Evil pie? What is wrong with those people? YOHKO: Too much to mention. > Sailor X > > Episode 3 > > "The Tokyo Tower of Terror" MIKE: Hey, wasn't OJ Simpson in that? REI: Tokyo Tower attacked by pies! News at eleven! > > Release Date: 13/03/97 YOHKO: With time off for good behavior. >- written by Courtney Enoex > > Re-edited: 16/08/97 - edited by Michael Hahn MIKE: Can I do it? Please? REI: Oh, fine! MIKE: Thank you! (Stands up, twists face, and puts his fists into the air.) HAAAAAAAAAAAAAHN! > > > >It was a normal school day in Tokyo. YOHKO: Which means that either a demon of some sort was attacking, a giant robot battle was going on, or some martial artists were beating each other up. MIKE: Man, sure wish I lived in Tokyo. >Flowing clouds lined the lavish, sapphire-toned skyline. The wind was >rustling the trees, causing their leaves to create endless patterns of silhouettes on the ground below. SASAMI: Ooh, artsy. REI: Is this a fanfic or a poem? >The sun >shown brightly in the midday sky, making every shadow hide below its owner. ATHENA: Shadows are wimps. >At Crossroads Junior High >School, the class of Miss Haruna, and the entire school, were preparing to take a field trip to - what else? - MIKE: The box factory! ALL: Yay!!! >the Tokyo Tower. MIKE: Oh. > >[Title Screen] SASAMI: Why take Industrial Arts. > >Students crowd into lines near the buses that will take them to their destination. MIKE: Prison. SASAMI: It wasn't me. It was the one armed man! >In one of those lines stands >Serena, gabbing on and onto Ami and Lita about the latest issue of the Sailor V comic, which was one of Rei's >favorites. Rei: Of course, since I'm not there, that information's useless. ATHENA: You know, after all you guys have gone through, you'd think those mangas would be kind of mundane. >Serena had forgotten to give it back to her at their last meeting. "This field trip is absolutely >pointless. ATHENA: Aren't they all? MIKE: I don't know, that trip to the ice auger factory was pretty fun... for me. I don't think that tour guide may ever talk again, though. REI: You're kidding, right? MIKE: Yes, actually. I did have a non-traumatizing field trip to a candy factory once. Yum. >The only reason I'm going is because I don't want to do any school work," Lita protested. YOHKO: Isn't a sit-in a little extreme in this situation? >"Besides, I've already been there," she continued. MIKE: You know, I may not be one to speak, here, but hasn't just about EVERYONE in Tokyo been to Tokyo Tower at least once? > >"You have! SASAMI: The disembodied voice agrees with her. ATHENA: Yes, you have! Oh, and them all. >What's it like?" Ami was intrigued by the Tokyo Tower's great structure, and was eager to get an >A+ on the upcoming test about it. MIKE: Jeez, I hated it when they did that! Screwed the whole trip up! > >Before Lita could open her mouth, YOHKO: A shot rang out! REI: The maid screamed! ATHENA: And, on the horizon, a pirate ship appeared. >a burst of laughter came from Serena's direction. YOHKO: Serena, there's a cackling maniac behind you! Lookout! >"Sailor V is so stupid! ATHENA: Yeah, I'm sure Minako will be thrilled to hear you said that. >She's probably even stupider than I!" MIKE: The correct form is 'more stupid than me!" I'm not sure if the author meant for that to be there as a form of irony, so I'll just point it out. YOHKO: And, why's Serena badmouthing herself? >Serena laughed at the smallest of Sailor V's clumsiness. REI: Ha! Look at this! She placed a bottle into the 'aluminum only' container! Ha ha! > >"Oh, I don't know about that," Lita said, rolling her eyes a bit. > >"Hey! What did you say?" Serena heard Lita's little joke. YOHKO: Well, we didn't. Would you mind repeating it? SASAMI: Joke? ATHENA: That sounded more like a cynical quip than a joke. >"She said, uh...She'll, er, laugh about that," Ami >said, not wishing to hear Serena's whaling. SASAMI: I didn't know Serena was a whaler? ATHENA: I can't picture Serena holding a harpoon and having a peg-leg. I mean, I can, but I just don't want to. MIKE: White whale! White whale! >The ragged door to the bus barely opened, revealing the driver. MIKE: It's Otto! >He was hardly the type of person you'd want to trust your children with. REI: Well, they have screening programs to make sure that doesn't happen. >He was a fat man, whose blank eyes >conveyed a moronic intelligence. SASAMI: Newt Gingritch? REI: Rush Limbaugh? MIKE: Louie Anderson? >His mouth had only two teeth, and he was wearing a sweaty tank top >discolored from all the sweat. ATHENA: Looks like someone's been Sweatin' to the Oldies. SASAMI: And it's not working. >He had almost three hairs on his head, and a bucket of fried chicken sat in his >lap. YOHKO: Actually, it sounds like Homer Simpson. >He looked as if he hadn't shaved in a decade. MIKE: Great, it's me ten years from now. REI: Tell me you're kidding! MIKE: God, I hope so! >Ami passed by with a big sweat drop on her forehead. She >waved a bit, but the man let out a small growl under his breath. REI: That had better not be a Val-Venis growl. >That was all the encouragement Ami needed >to run down the isle and find a seat quickly. Lita was next to get on the bus. ATHENA: And, she quickly proceeded to beat the snot out of the bus driver for growling at her friend. >She had seen what the driver's >reaction to Ami, and stood up straight and squarely. She was obviously very nervous. REI: Makoto, nervous? I don't think so! >He threw an >intimidating glance at her, YOHKO: Which she caught and threw to the first baseman. MIKE: Who? YOHKO: Exactly. MIKE: What? YOHKO: No, he's on second. MIKE: Who's on second? YOHKO: No, Who's on first. MIKE: I don't know! YOHKO: Third base! MIKE: The Abbot And Costello sketch, ladies and gentlemen! YOHKO: Thank you, thank you! >and she dashed down the isle, taking the seat next to Ami. REI: Excuse me? Makoto? Come on, hardly anything scares her! If she wasn't scared by any of the youmas we fought, I don't think a fat bus driver would frighten her. >Serena climbed up the >few stairs, the comic still in her hands. She began to laugh uncontrollably, YOHKO: The final stage of bad fan-fic syndrome: Hysterics. >until the driver grabbed the manga >and chewed on it a little. ALL: GAH! ATHENA: That came out of nowhere! >Miss Haruna followed Serena and gave him thumbs up. REI: Oh, that's wrong! ALL: Boo! >He returned the gesture, as >if they had done this to keep the kids under control. REI: That's beyond wrong! ALL: BOO! MIKE: Won't conduct like that get you fired? > >In the back of the bus, Serena slowly crawled to the seat. YOHKO: Stealth is the key to attaining a good seat. >She slowly limped to sit next to Molly. ATHENA: Ahm gonna have mah energy drained again, ain't I? REI: Yup! ATHENA: Dang. MIKE: Molly, the official energy source of the Nega-verse! >"Rei's gonna >kill me!" Serena began to sniffle. REI: What? I'm still a psycho in this story? > >"Oh, no! Not again!" Molly covered her ears. She knew a sniffle was a sign of 'hurricane Serena', and that >the water works would start up any time. Sure enough, Serena started to cry as though she had chopped >onions and drank tear gas at the same time. REI: Drinking tear gas? SASAMI: Wouldn't that be fatal? MIKE: I'm pretty sure the results would be far worse than crying, I can tell you that! > >"That noise could wake the dead!" Ami shouted. MIKE: It did! Here they come! Run for your lives! > >"When will the hurting stop?" Lita yelled. SASAMI: You know what? I remember hearing Ryoko yell that a lot during 'Full Circle.' >Everyone covered their ears. > >In a deeply shadowed, a dark, stone-like fortress, REI: You know, that one you always see in pictures of Loch Ness. >six dimmed figures kneeled down beside a small pool of >water. SASAMI: Can we fast forward, please? >Only one figure was clearly visible as the Red Ninja, while the rest remain blocked from the view. ATHENA: They'd rather not be associated with this fic. >They began to chant a few haunting words as they bow their heads solemnly. MIKE: Annus dormi recrea... THUMP! >The vapors and steam rising >from the water soon reformed, making the shape of Hades. "You have failed the mission given to you again, >and you will pay the price," MIKE: The ULTIMATE price! ATHENA: What, another two dollars? MIKE: Bingo. >Hades said, grimly. It was very clear to the Red Ninja that Hades' was not >bluffing. YOHKO: Crap, all I've got is a pair of twos. REI: You win. >In fact, of what little the Red Ninja could see of his face, he could make out a smirk. MIKE: In Sailor X, the part of Satan will be played by Gendo Ikari. > >"Oh the mighty God of the Underworld, I must tell you of my latest plan," MIKE: The resemblance between the Red Ninja and that devil from that Mexican Santa Claus movie are disturbing. >searching for excuses to keep >himself from annihilation. YOHKO: I had the flu! REI: My car broke down! MIKE: My goldfish died! ATHENA: A sick friend! SASAMI: The dog ate my evil master plan! > >"You tire me," Hades replied, narrowing his eyes. YOHKO: Oh, please, please, PLEASE tell me that means Hades is going to kill him. > >"Since the Sailor Scouts are such a big problem, I will personally see to it that they are successfully >destroyed. And I will get the positive energy we need at the same time," the Red Ninja stated. MIKE: Yeah, sure you will. BOOM! > >"Kill two birds with one stone? And just how do you plan on accomplishing that?" Hades asked him. > >"In Tokyo Tower, I will steal the energy from tourists and attract the scouts' attention. They will, as always, >come to save the day, but I will ready with a little surprise attack," he explained. REI: Didn't he try that last episode? SASAMI: Yup, and it didn't work there. > >"Hmm...It might just be crazy enough to work." Hades was a little less displeased with the Red Ninja. YOHKO: This is, without a doubt, the most lenient master villain I've ever seen. > >[CM Break] > >The students began to get off the bus one by one. Though the trip there seemed horribly long to Serena, MIKE: ...Due to the fact that it was the Partridge Family Bus. >everyone else wished that it would never end. MIKE: ...Also, due to the fact that it was the Partridge Family Bus. >Ami and Lita were still cracking up about the incident with the >gum. SASAMI: And... what incident is that? ATHENA: It looks like we'll never know. >"Ha, ha. Very funny," Serena said sarcastically. Ami caught her breath. SASAMI: Darn it, that's the third time it's tried to get away! YOHKO: Her breath has been getting too rambunctious lately. She should get it neutered. > >"Well you looked like a spider web back there. It wasn't my fault." Ami's comment reminded Lita of the ATHENA: Good ol' days, back when she set that grocery store on fire. >ridiculous way Serena tried to break the sting of gum that she had accidentally grabbed under her seat. ALL: EEEEW! SASAMI: That's not funny, that's gross! >She >began to laugh all over again. She didn't stop laughing until her ribs were about to break. MIKE: Whoa! What kind of lung capacity does that girl have? >"That's the funniest >thing I ever saw!" MIKE: Wrong grammar, AGAIN! >she said. "And you said that you were smarter then Sailor V! I hate to say it, but in your >dreams!" > > They all began laughing again. "Who said they were smarter than I?" MIKE: It's 'me,' dammit! Not 'I!' 'Me!' REI: Calm down, it's not that bad. MIKE: Yeah, I guess so... were grammar checks installed in computers before or after this fic? > The girls turned to see Mina, who was looking all calm and cool. REI: And holding a shotgun in her hand. > >"What...But...How did you?" ATHENA: She did it in the study with the wrench! SASAMI: No, it was Colonel Mustard, I tell you! > >"If you're asking how I got here, REI: It was by bus! Ha ha ha! >it just so happens that my school > came on this trip, too." > > "And mine, too," Rei stepped out from behind Mina. ATHENA: HUZZAH! Dramatic entrance! MIKE: I don't know, Rei. That seemed like a villain's entrance. REI: Considering the story, I'm not surprised. >Serena > screamed. ATHENA: A shot rang out. SASAMI: And, on the horizon, a pirate ship appeared. > >"How did you get here?" REI: I also got her by bus. Why, how'd you get here? >Serena thought back to Rei's comic being chewed by the bus driver. YOHKO: Poor guy. They really should pay him more. Then he'd get a good meal. ATHENA: I'd rather eat a manga than at McDonalds! > >"Serena, you haven't happened to see my new issue of the Sailor V comic, have you?" Rei knew very well >that Serena took it. She wanted to see if Serena would admit it. MIKE: It wasn't me! It was the one-armed man! SASAMI: I tell you, it was Colonel Mustard! > >"Uh, er, um...No. I haven't seen it around. Heh, heh." Rei and Mina began to look much bigger than they >actually were. MIKE: It's the Incredible Colossal Senshi! YOHKO: Rei Hino, get off that dam! REI: What kind of sin could a Senshi commit in a single lifetime? SASAMI: Watch as a giant Minako destroys Las Vegas! > >"Okay, Okay! I said it, and the bus driver chewed it up! Don't be mad at me!" She answered two questions at >once. REI: I only see one. > >"The driver did what? I paid five weeks' allowance to buy that!" Rei shouted. MIKE: You don't get much allowance, do you, Rei? REI: Mangas never cost me that much. > >"I'm dumb! SASAMI: Who said that, and why are they badmouthing themselves? >You make a doorknob look like a rocket scientist!" SASAMI: No, that's the fic's writers. REI: Now, now. It hasn't been that bad so far. MIKE: Oh, curse it all! I've designed the ultimate rocket, but I can't build it! Curse my lack of limbs! >Mina yelled. Serena was just about to break >into tears, when she herd ATHENA: ...Cattle. >the chimes of an ice-cream truck play. MIKE: Oh, no! It's Sweet Tooth! Run for your lives! > >"Huh? Where's that coming from?" She looked around, finally spotting it. She sprinted over, grabbed some >yen out of her pocket, and threw it into the ice cream man's hand, SASAMI: Wow, nice aim! MIKE: Usagi Jordan! >even though he was reaching out for the >money from the customer in line. "Two strawberry ice cream, please!" she said cheerfully. YOHKO: But, I sell hot dogs! > >"Uh, can't you wait in line?" the vendor asked. > >"No! Now please give me the ice creams," Serena yelled into the witty teen's ear. ATHENA: Wow, when she wants something... REI: How did they surmise that the vendor's witty from that one line? That's about as witty as street sign. >He quickly scooped it up. MIKE: I put something extra special in it just for you, officer. YOHKO: Man, that was a stupid movie. MIKE: I liked it. >"Thank you," she told him. He handed her much more yen than she should have had; probably out of fear. YOHKO: Man, what a wimp! MIKE: Warning: Driver carries a wad of twenties and has a low tolerance for pain. REI: Has anyone noticed just how odd everyone's acting in this fic. Whatever reaction they should have, it's blown out of proportion. SASAMI: Especially you. REI: Exactly. >"Works every time," she thought. REI: Now she's an extortionist? MIKE: Next thing you know, she'll be selling Oops Insurance. YOHKO: Oops. >All the girls had big sweat drops on their forehead. SASAMI: Hey, look! The Senshi have turned Hindu. MIKE: This tattoo craze is getting out of hand. > >Lita decided it was a good idea and had one her self, only she was a little more polite about it. ATHENA: Her threats of bodily dismemberment were much more formally phrased. > >"Uh, let's go inside, okay?" Ami asked. The inside was even more packed with tourists >than the outside. YOHKO: It might be because that's where they're trying to get into. >The girls spotted Molly and Melvin heading into one of the elevators. > >"Hey, you guys! Wait up!" Lita jumped up and down so they would see her over the >crowd. MIKE: It's not like they couldn't. Hell, she's pretty damn tall. > >"Hey! Let's stop at the souvenir shop!" Mina looked in its direction. SASAMI: Where is that disembodied voice coming from? MIKE: Let's go to the gift shop! Oh, and kill them all. > >"Why? All they're gonna have are low quality model kits of the Tokyo Tower." Rei said. YOHKO: And key chains. SASAMI: And those weird little binocular things. I love those. > >"I suppose so. Hey, do you guys have any clue as too why Miss Haruna would let us wonder freely?" Mina >asked. MIKE: Free range students, corn fed and mountain bred. > >"Most likely because she's sick of us. She's probably at the cafeteria." Ami answered for the group. They >made it to the elevator, but it seemed that Molly and Melvin couldn't have waited for them and headed up >without them. MIKE: Don't wait up, if ya' know what I mean. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. >Serena noticed a sign by the elevator saying SASAMI: No sign reading. Hey, I said NO SIGN READING! >"To the observation deck." "They must be >headed up there, then," she thought. An older man dressed in a uniform came by the other sign and began to >post up another sign that read: MIKE: 'Wet floor.' Well, if the sign says to do it... SASAMI: Ack! >"Observation deck closed due to construction." SASAMI: Oh, I hope this doesn't cross over with Tenchi. > >"Why didn't you post this sign earlier? My friends already went up there!" This got the attention of the >others. > >"Hey, I have a life. REI: Yeah, never mind that you have a job to do. >The construction workers will send them back, anyway," he answered. MIKE: ...Beaten to a bloody pulp. They'll do that, sometimes. > >On the observation deck, the workers were lying on the floor. MIKE: Union break! >The Red Ninja had been hiding behind some >construction equipment, ATHENA: And was crushed by them when they were turned on. SASAMI: Wasn't that kind of dark for you, Athena? ATHENA: Yes, but, given his past attempts, I wouldn't put that past him. >waiting for the right time to steal their energy. YOHKO: Hey, break time! Where's the coffeeEEEEEEEEEEH! >After he emerged, he used the Energy >Sword to attack them. MIKE: This just in: Disgruntled ninja silently kills twelve co-workers! >The wind was whipping the cloth that had replaced the windows, and a slight draft >passed through. SASAMI: A Galaxy Policeman was crouched by one of the window, his laser cannon arm at the ready. >As the elevator came to a halt, the Red Ninja moved back into hiding. YOHKO: Unfortunately, he didn't see that the glass was missing from the windows, tripped out of one, and plummeted to his death. Let's all hope the next ninja is more competent. >As the elevator door >opened, Molly saw all the workers on the ground, and gave a loud shriek. REI: AAAAH! Ah'm goin' tah have my energy drained AGAIN! >Melvin hugged her, trying to >impress her. MIKE: Don't worry, I'll save you! ATHENA: CRACK! REI: AAAAH! MY RIBS! >"Whoever's there, come out!" Melvin tried to threaten. SASAMI: That's not a threat, that's a demand. >A deep laughing came from the corners >of the room. It started out soft, then grew louder. "You actually tried to threaten me! Big mistake, pal." The >Red Ninja drew his Energy Sword and struck them with it. SASAMI: Aah, not again! Why does this keep happenin' ta' me??? > >Meanwhile, the elevator had come back to the main floor, but the girls didn't see Molly or Melvin inside. REI: Probably because they got off. People do that, you know. SASAMI: Didn't this elevator get to the ground floor a little too fast? MIKE: That blues band on board singing 'You're gonna win!" is a bad sign. >"Something's wrong..." Ami grew serious. Rei began to clutch her forehead. REI: I've got brain-freeze. > >"Yes. An evil presence in near." She started sweating. ATHENA: There's evil afoot, and it's messing around with the thermostat. > >"Are you okay?" Mina asked, grabbing Rei by her shoulders. > >"Let's get up there. The evil has gotta be up there!" Lita clenched her fist. > >"Molly and Melvin have probably had their energy taken," YOHKO: I think that's a given at this point in the show. >Ami said. They got aboard the elevator, not >knowing what to expect. ATHENA: My guess, it'll probably go up. MIKE: That's odd, I've seen the elevator operator before, only he was holding a casket... Uh-oh! SASAMI: Ooh, obscure! >Ami began to type furiously on her handheld computer, YOHKO: BANG, SLAM, SMASH! Stupid computer, take that! >analyzing the situation. "I'm >picking up signals of negative energy!" REI: We shouldn't have eaten at Jack In The Box! > >Once the elevator stopped, the girls cautiously stepped out. They soon became aware of the bodies of Molly, >Melvin, and the workers, MIKE: Plus the bodies of Judge Crater, D.B. Cooper, Madeline Murray O'Hara, and Jimmy Hoffa. >and decided that the best way to deal with this was in their scout form. YOHKO: Oh, brilliant! MIKE: This decision was reached after a lengthy, two hour long debate discussing the merits of the other ways of dealing with it. >"Mercury >star power!", "Mars star power!", "Jupiter star power!", "Venus star power!", "Moon Crystal Power!" > >"Okay, Ninja guy! I'm giving' you a fair warning! Show your ugly mug, or were gonna have to get ugly, even >uglier than you! MIKE: Whoa, did Sailor Moon get a tutorial in trash-talking from the WWF? ATHENA: And that's the bottom line, cause Stone Cold Sailor Moon said so! >I won't let you hurt innocent bystanders that just wanna see the sights! In the name of the >Moon..." After Sailor Moon finished her part of the sentence, the other scouts added their names to the list. REI: But, since they are so insignificant, we won't show you that part. >"We will punish you!" they said in unison. ALL: SUCK IT!!! MIKE: There's something about the Sailor Senshi doing D-X crotch chops that seems right and wrong at the same time. > >"Very entertaining. You know, you might want to add some truth to that," the Red Ninja said appearing in >front of them. ATHENA: This coming from the biggest and most incompetent wimp they've ever faced. > >"Why you..." Sailor Mars took a swing at him. Of coarse, she missed him altogether. REI: Hey! I can fight! YOHKO: Okay, it's now official that the writers hate you, Rei. > >"That was very bold of you, but little girls such as you five shouldn't play like that. ATHENA: Where are your kneepads? >Now it's my turn." He >drew his Energy Sword again and slashed at them. SASAMI: Beware, your bones are going to be disconnected! MIKE: These fights scenes are almost on the same level as the kung-fu movie skit in Kentucky Fried Movie. >He turned the sword around and YOHKO: Stabbed himself! >hit Sailor Moon on her >nose. She fell back, holding her nose and crying up a flood. "It's bleeding! It has a big bump on it!" YOHKO: All it did was leave a bump? What, is it a plastic sword? MIKE: Now that I think about it, there IS a lot about this Red Ninja that seems Power Ranger-esque. > >"Oh, shut up!" Mars exclaimed. REI: I'm nothing like this, for crying out loud! MIKE: Maybe it's an alternate universe Rei that's depressed and bitter. > >"Jupiter Thunderbolt Crash!" Sailor Jupiter yelled. YOHKO: And... something happened. >Luckily, it hit him on his side. ATHENA: It wouldn't kill the writers to add some more detail. MIKE: Don't quote me on this, but, if a bolt of lightning strikes you, it probably doesn't matter where it hits you. >He began to moan in pain. REI: What, it just gave him indigestion? SASAMI: I can't believe I ate the whole thing! > >"Now, Sailor Moon! Get him!" Venus shouted. > >"Oh, yeah! Moon Scepter Elimination!" The attack worked perfectly, MIKE: He's dead! At last! >but afterwards, the Red Ninja had >disappeared. REI: Yeah, that attack usually doesn't leave much. >"Hey! Look at this!" Mercury pointed out some carvings in the floor. SASAMI: 'Umi was here.' REI: 'Tenchi + ???.' MIKE: 'Asuka RULZ!' ATHENA: 'Ash is a loser!' YOHKO: 'For a good time, call Marta.' >It > >said: "It seems as though it is not the right time for us to duel. MIKE: Dangit, he's still alive! ATHENA: It's never the right time for you to duel, you big wuss! >I will return soon enough, though. You _will_ >die a horrible death, Sailor Moon!" REI: Yeah, sure, we're all scared. >"Touchy" Sailor Moon said. > >Later, the girls headed for the bathroom. MIKE: Why do women always go to the bathroom in groups? REI: We're plotting against guys. MIKE: Oh. >Serena wanted to check out that big bump on her nose, and the >others wanted to see her struggle to pop it. MIKE: You don't pop bumps! Dear god, that makes me shudder in pain just thinking about it! >In front of the mirror, Serena screamed at the sight of YOHKO: The rude limerick someone wrote on the wall. >the horrible >bump. "Ha, ha! Its even purple!" Rei wanted to get Serena back for letting the driver chew her comic. REI: Well, she didn't let him. > >"Its not funny, Rei!" They both were sticking there tung's out at each other. SASAMI: Tungs? >Serena pressed her fingers >together on the bump to pop it. MIKE: AAAAAAH!!! YOHKO: That's GOTTA hurt! MIKE: Make the horrible, horrible image go away! Make it go away! >They all fell out laughing. "Meanies," Serena said to herself. MIKE: I'll show 'em! I'll show 'em all! > >SAILOR SAYS: REI: Never, EVER try to pop a bump! Not only is it next to impossible, but it would hurt like hell if you succeeded. > > "If your school tries to pressure you into going on a crappy bus and visit a pointless landmark that wants to get your town on the map, just SAY NO!" YOHKO: The hell? REI: Oh, come on! Tokyo Tower's not that bad! MIKE: It sounds like someone's got some bitterness to work out towards their school. > Sailor Moon says > SASAMI: Is that it? REI: Yup. YOHKO: Well, there's another one. Let's go. SASAMI: I wonder how the pies are doing. REI: They've probably taken over Paris by now. (1,2,3,4,5,6, Dog Bone) As the group entered the bridge, everyone immediately went into action, trying to find an affective Anti-Pie weapon. Everyone, except Sasami, who was deep in thought about something. "Surface-to-air forks!" Mike said. "I just thought about something," Sasami suddenly said. "If this is supposed to be an Avatar story, why hasn't the Avatar shown up yet?" "Maybe the Red Ninja's the Avatar," Athena said, scribbling down ideas. At this statement, the entire bridge went silent, then burst into laughter. "That would be hilarious!" Rei said. "Let's ask the Pie Masters if he is," Yohko said, tapping the Mads' button. "No time to joke now," Forrester said bitterly, "the pies have vanished." "ESCAPED, ACTUALLY!" Yawgmoth corrected him. "THE FLIMSLY CAGES THEY HAD BEEN PLACED IN WERE TORN FROM THE INSIDE!" "Maybe Frank ate them all," Mike said. "No," Forrester said, "I gave him an ipecac, and all that came out were Hot Pockets." "But at least we know where our exploding Hot Pockets went," Calypso said. "THIS JUST IN!" the television suddenly blared. "FRANCE HAS JUST BEEN TAKEN OVER BY AN ARMY OF ARMED PIES!" "There they are!" Dr. Evil said. "I was getting worried for a second." On the SOB, everyone's gaze turned to Rei. "What?" "The blueberry pies are fighting particularly fiercely," Kane observed. "Indeed," Forrester replied. "Until next time, my Magical Guinea Pigs!" "Push the button, Slavic," Kane ordered. "Yes, sir!" *}-----FWOOSH-----{* FRANK: Hey, that's my job! Rei Hino created by Naoko Takeuchi Yohko Mano created by Masao Moruyoma Sasami created by Hitoshi Okuda Athena Asamiya created by SNK Kane created by Westwood Studios Dr. Evil created by Mike Myers, I think Calypso created by 989 Studios Yawgmoth created by Wizards of the Coast Michael O'Hare created by Timothy and Carlota O'Hare Inventions created by Michael O'Hare. Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank, and the whole concept of MST3K created by Best Brains, bless their souls... This fanfic is owned by the alleged writer, whom I am not insulting at all! Really! The MiSTing of this fanfic is owned by ME, Michael O'Hare Special Thanks to: Tim McLees, for accepting my weird-ass crap. Jamie Jeans, for the pointers. Michael Surbrook, for the additional pointers. All other MiSTers out there. You, dear reader, for reading this. The authors of the first amendment. Keep circulating the tapes STINGER: Sure enough, Serena started to cry as though she had chopped onions and drank tear gas at the same time _*_ Take my word for it, folks, this IS an Avatar fic! She'll be showing up somewhere around episode seven, I think. Are you wondering how the heck I came up with a bunch of evil, military pies.? I was playing Command & Conquer while eating some cherry pie, and... Well, these things kind of happen. Jeez, I STILL feel guilty about MiSTing this story, due to all of the work that the writers put into their website. I mean, they did a pretty good job. So, why am I still MiSTing this fic, do you ask? Because it's THERE! Oh, and because I can get some pretty good riffs out of it. So, you want to e-mail me? No? Do so anyway! Servantofdea@hotmail.com E-mail me, or the Chapstick gets it! I'll be taking a short break from MiSTing, due to the Thanksgiving break and this horrible head cold. Thanks for reading! Vaya con dios! I have learned many things in life, and here is one of them: -Chainsawing your head off does NOT prove that you are a man!