FINAL FANTASY VII, Chapter One: The Scarlet Number WRITTEN BY: Q Earth MSTIED BY: Jamie Jeans a.k.a. JOLT!!! CO-MSTIED BY: John Felix JOLT: It has been some time since I last did both a non-standard cast MSTing and a team MSTing all in one. But it is good to be doing one with a friend here. Ugh... can't think of much else to say, need caffeine... *drinks more coffee* JOHN: Heeeeyyy... I should have the "MSTIED BY" credit! Jamie's my sidekick! ...Anyways, it took me awhile to get back into the MSTing spirit, and I hope I can still be funny at this. Oh yeah, lemme plug the game project, which can be located at: http://retrospect.gamingdepot.com ...already has been taken down and caused fights within a week of it's opening, folks! LEGAL STUFF: Alexander Misamoto belongs to Jamie Jeans and cannot be used without permission. Precious, Dio, and Azure belong to John Felix and cannot be used without permission. The concept of Mystery Science Theater 3000 belongs to Best Brains Inc. The fanfic series "Materia" belongs to Q Earth, who gave us the OK to riff it. Thank you! We are only borrowing the fic and the MST concept and making no claim to it. And now... on to the show! _______________________________________________________________________ Alexander Misamoto walked up to the large steel double doors of the music studio, dressed in silver pants with white sneakers and a white shirt with the initials "ACS" on the front and "Anipike Courier Service" written on the front, and knocked on it. Even through the doors, he could hear that whoever was inside playing was playing their music very loudly. The very air seem to throb with the high bass of whatever racket was playing. He waited a few seconds then knocked again, mindful of both the time and the package he had in his hand, a videotape. Again, there was no response. Sighing, he opened the door a few inches and almost winced at the volume of the music as it blared into his ears. He stepped inside and closed the door behind him, taking a few moments to look the place over before walking up to the band practicing on the stage. The studio was easily far larger then most the young man had visited before. To his left, nestled against the back of the studio and in the middle of the room, was the raised stage on which the band currently played while to his right was a large black leather couch in front of an entertainment system that was set up against the wall. Recording equipment was set up along the wall in front of him, with wires and cables trailing from it to the stage and above it. There were also several large lights set up above the stage, as well as the usual string of lamps lighting the place up. "Uh, excuse me?" Alexander said as he walked over to the stage, having to nearly shout to get their attention. The band, consisting of Precious on drums, Dio on vocals, and Azure on guitar, continued on, oblivious to their visitor as they belted out tunes. Dio was singing loudly into the microphone, Jumping wildly about the stage, eyes closed. "Hello?! I'm here to-" Alexander stopped, realizing that he wasn't about to get their attention anytime soon. Instead, he walked over to the couch, sat down, and waited for them to finish. A few minutes later, the song came to a beautiful end and Alexander cleared his throat to get their attention. "Excuse me, hi, but I'm here to-" He faltered to a stop. Precious stared at him silently for about twenty seconds before he dashed off the stage and slammed into Alexander in a full fledged glomp. Crying out, Alexander toppled over backwards onto the couch with Precious firmly glued to his chest. "Well, that didn't take too long," Dio commented as he stepped off the stage and walked over to the couch. "Excuse me? But can you get off me?!" Alexander nearly shouted as he tried shoving Precious off of him. Precious looked up from snuggling his chest. "You mean you're not the hot oil boy I ordered?" "No! I'm a courier from Anipike Studios and Club Anipike. I was sent here to pick up a demo tape of the band," Alexander said as he continued to try and pry Precious off. "Oh yeah, Misato said she'd be sending someone over to pick up the demo," Azure said as she walked over to the recording equipment and picked up a video tape. "Here we go..." "Oh... what's that you've got there?" Precious smiled as he took up the tape from his hands. "Well, we heard that you guys occasionally review bad fanfics, so they asked me to bring this over," Alexander explained. "It's called Materia, and it's a Final Fantasy 7 lemon series." "And you're going to help us riff it, right?" Precious asked. "I... sorry, no I can't, Miss." "Miss?" Azure and Dio looked at each other then chuckled. "...Miss? Why thank you, but..." Precious trailed off, grabbing Alexander's hand and pressing it against his chest. "Ack! Okay, okay! I got it! Just... get off me!" "Uh uh... I like where I am VERY much!" "Forget it, kid, he's glued to you now, he'll never let go," Azure said. "Ah man..." Dio pulled the tape from Precious' hand and popped it into the VCR before sitting down on the other end of the couch. Azure picked up the remote and sat down next to Dio, cuddling up to him slightly. Alexander blushed, but didn't comment, and instead tried to remove himself from Precious. "Can't we sit up at least? I don't feel good with a guy laying on top of me..." he said. "Oh, you'll get used to it in time." Precious smiled. "If you two are done, we'd like to get started..." Dio smirked at Alexander, who only sighed in exasperation. "Okay then... fanfic sign in 3, 2, 1..." Azure clicked the play button on the remote control... "I am not paid enough for this," Alexander muttered. >FINAL FANTASY VII >Chapter One: The Scarlet Number Alexander: Starring Demi Moore! Precious: By my guess, that magical scarlet number will be 69. Dio: (mumbling) 42. [Azure blinks.] Dio: What? >* * * > >Cosmo Canyon was a natural wonder in itself. The effects of Shinra >and its modernization were absent from this beautiful place. Alexander: That is, if you ignore the barrels of toxic waste and all the franchised fast food restaurants littering the place. Dio: And let's not talk about the washed up medical waste! >The party was sitting at the dwindling, orange flame known as Cosmo >Candle. The party had yet to encounter Vincent or Cid. (Azure and Dio look at each other.) Precious: That *BITCH*! He's cheating on me! Alexander: ...Which one? Precious: BOTH OF THEM! >At the base of >the fire sat Cloud, Tifa, Aeris, Barret, Cait Sith, and Yuffie. The >intelligent animal Red XIII was explaining to them the disgrace his >father has caused him. Alexander: He kept on showing his baby pictures to his friends whenever they came over. >"My mother fought bravely until the end, but my father was a coward," >he explained. It was at this point that Bugenhagen, the old floating >man, arrived at Cosmo Candle. Though nobody knew it then, he would >enlighten Red XIII to the true fate of his father. "You really think >your father is a coward?" asked the elderly Bugenhagen. Dio: Well he did run away with his tail between his legs screaming "Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me!" >"He ran away from Cosmo Canyon," replied Red XIII. > >Though Red was very young at the time, he could remember the great >attack on Cosmo Canyon. His mother had fought bravely and died in that >battle, but his father had deserted the town completely. "Is that what >you think?" asked the surprised Bugenhagen. Alexander: Isn't there a tobacco chew named Bugenhagen? >"I'll have something to show you in the morning. You'll >learn the truth about your father." Alexander: What? He's secretly Darth Vadar? Come on, just tell us already! Azure: My guess is that he left to join the circus, then died after being choked by a carnie. >My father, thought Red XIII. What could I not know about him? "Yes, >Grandpa, but we are all very tired after our long journey," said Red >XIII. Precious: It must be tiring just standing by a bonfire and reminiscing! Alexander: Heh... these guys get tired just from standing. >"Let us rest tonight. You can show us all tomorrow." >"Agreed," responded Bugenhagen. > >The party broke away from the gathering site at Cosmo Candle. They had >rooms waiting for them already at the "Shildra Inn," a comfortable >resort. Alexander: The Shildra Inn, providing terrorist groups with great comfort and fine service for over thirty years. >Red XIII broke off from the other members of the party, and he entered >his own hut. Azure: GAAH! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! Precious: THAT... Takes a good amount of flexibility. >Two rooms were divided among the other six. Cloud, >Barret, and Cait Sith took one; Tifa, Aeris, and Yuffie took the >other. It was the dead of the night. Not a sound could be heard. Alexander: All through the canyon not a person was stirring, all the bosses were dead and the bonuses were waiting! >The young ninja awoke from her sleep. Dio: Gyah! Football practice! >Red XIII had told a chilling tale. All: USE A BLANKET! >He was upset with his father. Of >course, nobody else knew that he wasn't the only one. Yuffie too >disliked her father. Yuffie left the cozy room of the inn and headed >back outside to the dull Cosmo Candle. Alexander: Other places have landmarks like the largest free standing tower, the biggest frying pan, the fastest car, so what does Cosmo Canyon have? A big hunk of wax... > Oddly enough, the talking canine was sitting there, watching the >small flame wave around in the still of the night. The ninja was >surprised to see someone else awake at such a time. > >"Red, is that you?" asked Yuffie. Precious: No, it's the Easter Bunny, of course it's me! >"Yeah. It's me," said Red XIII. > >"I couldn't sleep. I've been thinking. Alexander: Duh... Materia is shiny. Dio: Thus begins our seduction portion of the fic. Please keep all hands away from the door, and placed firmly in your pants. >You know, about my father. Is it possible that there's more to him >than I know?" "I'm not sure." answered Yuffie. "My father didn't leave >us, and he's still a worthless coward. I'd consider you lucky. At >least you don't have to put up with such a stupid buffoon." Azure: (Yuffie) ...the way he struts around yelling "Skipper!" Dio: (Yuffie) The way he screws up each genius plan I have! >"Still, >I would have liked to have known him. I was barely twenty years old >when he ran away." "Uh, that's pretty old, isn't it?" asked the >puzzled Yuffie. > >"Not for my kind. That's like being seven years old to you. It's hard >to remember much at that age." Alexander: Tell me about it, all I remember when I was 7 was 80's music and Mr. T cereal. >"Wait a minute..." Yuffie was confused. "That old Bugenhagen said >you were 48 years old now. Is that like being my age or something?" >The contemplative Red XIII thought about it for some time. "Yes, >Yuffie, I suppose I would be a teenager, wouldn't I?" He chuckled. >Yuffie admired his maturity. Precious: ...then pushed Red XIII into the fire, laughing maniacally as he burned with a delightful stench! >"You seem much older." "Hmmm... I've >had a lot of time to think. I had hoped that I could one day be a >father, just to make up for the cowardly one I had," said Red XIII. > >"That makes sense. I hate my father too," giggled Yuffie. Alexander: I'm not sensing a lot of family love here. Dio: Alex... In lemons, this is called "Character development". Azure: I prefer to call it "Padding". Lets give the writer a hug for putting off the evil sex. >"It's too late for me. I am the last of my kind left," sulked Red. >Yuffie suddenly became sad too. >"Oh... I'm sorry. So, when you die..." Alexander: Or put to sleep, whatever comes first. >"Then that will be it." "Is there any other way?" asked Yuffie. Red >XIII suddenly had a strange flashback. He remembered meeting Cloud's >party forthe first time. "Hojo of Shinra thought of something, but Precious: They didn't take it seriously since his last idea was a gerbil powered television. >I don't know if that would work," said Red XIII. Hojo, master >scientist of Shinra, had attempted to prolong his species by... > >mating him with... Aeris!? >But she's a human, thought Red. Dio: Doesn't matter. Azure: After playing the game, that kinda does seems to be why they were put together in that tube. Alexander: I always assumed it was going to be a fight to the death. >Did that make sense? Was it really possible? "What was his great >idea?" asked Yuffie sarcastically. "He tried to mate me and Aeris," >responded Red nervously. "He what!?" Yuffie thought of the idea. >She imagined herself as Hojo's specimen. She imagined the seemingly >ferocious monster trying to... Alexander: Do her taxes and laughed herself silly. >Yuffie suddenly felt a tingling sensation between her legs. She had >never felt this way before. Precious: Your first period does tend to be that way, I've heard. Alexander: Uh, do we really need to hear this? >It felt incredibly good. But that was >wrong... Still, she had to ask. > >"Would that have worked?" Red was unsure. >"It probably could, but I'm not sure. It just doesn't seem... >natural." Azure: What? Bestiality? Bah, it's second nature! >Red looked at the happy young girl in front of him. He began feeling >very odd yet excited as he continued talking to Yuffie. "I wonder if >it really works. I'd just like to know, that's all." Yuffie sat down >and rested her head against Red's furry body. Dio: (Yuffie) Ow! What the hell is this?! Precious: (Red XIII) Metal plate. I got it in 'Nam. >At that point, she >accidentally caught a glimpse of Red's underside. She could see a >large, red bulge between his legs. Alexander: Oh, there's that balloon I lost at the fair! (Azure starts humming "99 luftballoons") >It was quite a sight. Yuffie was completely aroused. A single drop >of her fluid touched her undergarment. She knew it was wrong, but >she could not resist. Alexander: She simply HAD to buy the new Britney Spears album! >"Well, you have to try to find out." A long moment of silence >followed Yuffie's question. Dio: ...but that wasn't a question >Red XIII began panting quicker and quicker. Precious: (Red XIII) Bacon bacon bacon baconbaconbaconbacon! It's BACON!!! >He could feel the sweat on his body. He was usually calm >and reserved, but Yuffie had invigorated him somehow. He wasn't >normally one to try anything like this. But they were both >teenagers, and he really wanted to know how it felt. Azure: It's like being beaten over the head repeatedly with a large rubber hammer Alexander: ...really? >The ninja saw Red's bulge grow and extend under his hairy underside. >The slow dripping of fluid into her underwear continued. Yuffie's >reason tried to hold her back. She had some brief thoughts. Azure: Some hair of the dog that bit ya? Mwahahaha! Dio: Maybe I should scoot on down to the supermarket, pick up some toothpaste... >She knew animal sex was wrong. Precious: Unless you're Carmen Electra. Dio: ...or Julia Roberts. >But Red's musky scent, for some odd >reason, had her vagina dripping more and more. Besides, Red was >practically human anyway. Alexander: Except for the red fur, tail, dog like shape... Azure: Not to mention the large sharp fangs. That might pose a problem. >That was it. She was through waiting and doing nothing. With the skill >and agility of a trained ninja, Yuffie flipped Red XIII onto his back. >She then inverted herself across Red's sprawled body. Dio: ...What the hell is that supposed to mean? Is she now Inside-Out-Girl?! Alexander: She's going through allot of trouble just to rub his belly. >She enthusiastically grabbed the base of Red's firm organ Precious: And played "Masquerade" from the 'Phantom of the Opera' on it. Azure: Not that kind of organ, fool. >and quickly >thrust it into her own mouth. She sucked on it for several minutes, >her fluids continuing to dampen her underwear. Red's hind legs kick >up in sheer glee. Dio: (Red XIII) Yippee! This is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me! Alexander: Shredding Yuffie's back where she bled to death. The End. [tries to get free] Precious: You're only making it worse, darling. >Yuffie then began to swirl her tongue around his penis, caressing it >around in circles. It wasn't long before Yuffie could taste Red's warm >and sticky fluid in her own mouth. Red was having the time of his >life, but it wasn't over yet. Azure: (Yuffie) Now look what you did! BAD RED XIII! Alexander: Now she's going to hit him with a rolled up newspaper and rub his nose in it. >He used his strong teeth to rip off Yuffie's pants and underlying >clothing, exposing her privates. Precious: "Privates"? Was this written by a 3rd grader? >Yuffie immediately stopped her oral >gratification and flipped Red back onto his feet. Her privates were a >bit wet. Yuffie placed her hands in the middle of her chest. With one >swift motion, she tore off the remainder of her outfit. Alexander: Oh cool, she's imitating Hulk Hogan! Dio: No, it's not cool, Alex. >The naked ninja exposed her well-structured chest to >the hairy werewolf. Alexander: Yuffie's chest was constructed of space age aluminum and titanium! >Red was anxious. Azure: The audience was sickened. >He jumped onto Yuffie and forced her to the ground. His four limbs >restrained her own, spreading her arms and legs out. Red then crouched >down toward Yuffie. Alexander: Hold on, Yuffie, there's this ice cream stain I wanna lick off your chin. >Yuffie moaned in ecstasy as his hairy red bulge separated the closed >walls of her soft pussy and forced its way into her body. As they made >sick but passionate love, their bodies were inseparable. Dio: As passionate as a 6 year old hitting you in the crotch with a ball-peen hammer. Precious: *Sigh* ...oh, the tepidity >Red started using his tongue to feel his way around the pair of >wonderful breasts of his lover. Alexander: But Yuffie took exception to Tifa joining them... >Red occasionally shot a wet stream onto Yuffie. Her white and sticky >liquid poured out like a river. Azure: Ah, so Yuffie is the perfect storm! Dio: Does this mean George Clooney is going to make an appearance? >He howled in erotic pleasure as she >gleefully moaned. They enjoyed each other's company for almost an >hour. Eventually the sun began to rise in the distance. Red sheathed >his weapon as best he could, Alexander: Having a little problem getting it back in, heh heh heh... >and Yuffie put on her clothes to cover her dripping vagina. The >two were joyous beyond comparison, but neither was without curiosity. > >Yuffie was the first to speak. She was still a bit shocked at the >act she had committed. "Red, what did we just do?" Precious: (Red XIII) We shamed our family name, why? >Red, typically >enigmatic, was unusually honest. "We made love, Yuffie. It was the >best time I've ever had. Now I know for sure that Hojo was right. >I can mate with a human... and enjoy it tremendously." Azure: The question was if the human female human could be impregnated, not if the two of you could do the dirty macarena, Red. Dio: Of course, any children they have are going to have to be house broken. Alexander: ...'Dirty Macarena'? >Yuffie smiled at the prospect. "I loved it too." She knew that no >man could ever match up to the red beast. > >"We'd better get back to our beds," said Red XIII. "The others will be >up soon." "Okay, Red. Let's do it again sometime." Alexander: (Yuffie) Hmmm... I've got ten minutes before my meeting and after my luncheon tomorrow. That good for you? Precious: (Red XIII) No can do, that's my daily butt-cleaning time. Alexander: (Yuffie) Ew! And I let you lick THERE?! >Red nodded in obvious agreement and walked back toward his hut. >Yuffie walked back to the Shildra Inn, her vagina still soaked with >the act and her thoughts. Azure: "Soaked with the act"... What a nice way of putting it. Dio: Would you rather prefer 'Sticky drippings'? >Red's smell of nature had also covered her. >Her heart beat rapidly as she entered her room. Tifa and Aeris were >already up. >Aeris saw Yuffie. "There you are! We were wondering were you went." > >Yuffie was cautious. >She had to hide everything. Alexander: The bodies weren't found till weeks later, stuffed in the wax of the Cosmo Candle. >"Oh, I was just out for a walk." Tifa was suspicious, but for the >wrong reasons. "I don't think they have much Materia for you here, >Yuffie." Yuffie was relieved. These two knew nothing. "Oh, well. >Maybe somewhere else." Tifasmelled something funny. "Yuffie, >where have you been. You smell strange." Dio: Oh, that was just where Red XIII marked his territory on her. >Yuffie panicked. "I... I don't know. Somebody was cooking something >funny out there. That must have been it." Aeris caught sight of >Yuffie's shorts. Azure: Oh hey, she's got GAP shorts. >"Oh, Yuffie, your pants are ripped." Yuffie was concerned. >"Oh, it's nothing. I must have scraped them against something >outside." Tifa now looked at the tear. "That's odd. It almost looks >like a set of teeth marks. Precious: (Yuffie) Uh... I went swimming and Jaws attacked me! Yeah... that's it... >Oh well. We have to get ready. Bugenhagen >has something important to reveal to us today." Yuffie was quick to >change the subject. "That's right. We have no time to waste." Alexander: Quick, to the batmoble! *hums the 60's Batman theme* >Needless to say, Yuffie soon bought an identical replica of her >shorts that morning. Nobody could possibly know of her night with Red. Dio: Except for the people who were sitting around eating their take out. >They couldn't understand. He was better then all of them. He might >look like a monster, but he had human emotions and intellect. She >was the only one who appreciated that. Yuffie would forever carry >with her the Scarlet Number- > >Red XIII. Azure: "Red" isn't a number, though! unless it's an actual red 'XIII'... Alexander: We have a title! >* * * Alexander: Three stars? What was the critic thinking? Precious: I hope they represent how many brain tumors the writer will receive. >Sure, there's the obvious. I could have used Cloud, Tifa, and >Aeris (in any combination, really). I just wanted to try something >different. Alexander: Well yeah, so do I. Some days I like to wear pink pants instead of black. Precious: Yikes... That's just TOO gay, Alex. Alexander: What do you mean?! >This one is truly demented yet arousing at the same time. That's the >effect I wanted. Dio: And you've completely failed! here's a parting gift, though! Azure: It's... A PUNCH IN THE GROIN! (Everyone cheers.) >Besides, Red XIII and Yuffie are easily my two favorite characters >from Final Fantasy VII. I wanted to pay a tribute to them both. >Comments? You can reach me at sailor_terra@hotbot.com Precious: Mmmhmmm... Dio, do you think "Suck me sideways" is a good comment? Dio: Since it has nothing to do with the story, I would have to say no. >PS-- Give Yuffie the Conformer (her "ultimate" weapon- such an >arbitrary assignment) and the command Morph. She will do 9999 damage >(or something really good, at least) to the enemies with Morph. This >works well with Mega All. A Sneak Attack or Counter [Command] could >help a lot too. Alexander: Whoa, hey, slow down... I can't write that fast... [scribbles one-handed on a notepad] Azure: What, you're still playing through FF7? *snickers* Alexander: Well... yeah... >Try this at the Gelnika. > >You can earn lots of Sources here. The Cactuer (of the Cactuer Desert, >no less) will Morph into a Tetra-Elemental. Also, Master Tonberry >(the Pug) can be morphed into a Ribbon. Finally, how does Red XIII >have children (ending of FF7: 500 years later...)? Dio: This has to be one of the most pathetic end notes I've ever seen. Alexander: ...but he does have a point about the children thing Alexander wiggled a bit beneath Precious, who automatically increased the strength of his grip on him. "And just where do you think you're going?" "I've got a job to get back to, I'm late enough as it is," Alexander explained. "Forget it, kid," Dio said. "You should have ran the moment he saw you." Alexander blinked. "Kid?! You can't be three years older than me!" "Dio's right," Azure added in. "Now he's stuck on you... permanently." Alexander leaned back to glare at them when he heard two metallic clicks. When he looked down at Precious, he discovered that he was now handcuffed to the drummer via a pair of pink fur lined handcuffs. "There, now you can't go anywhere," Precious said, smiling at him. "And what if I have to use the bathroom?" "I'll help..." "Wow, hey Dio, I never knew anyone's face could grow that red." "Neither did I, Azure, but I don't think it's because he's embarrassed..." _______________________________________________________________________ Please send any C&C to: Jamie Jeans: xwing@uniserve.com John Felix: oderusu@charter.net