6...5...4...3...2...1 [[Joel, Crow, and Tom enter the theater.]] >Lمم €TِŸŸŸŸŸŸŸŸو2 س=ِ/ِ8 TAOGH Joel: TAOGH? What's that stand for? Tom: Tennessee Association of Geriatric Hamsters? Crow: Too Angry Over Ground Hamburger? Joel: Oh now I get it, the adventures of Gadget Hackwrench, this shouldn't be so bad then. Tom: Why do I have the strangest feeling that this isn't an authorized episode. >By: Darren "Sabrewolf" Perlongo Tom: Gee Darren the least you could do is name yourself after a character from a GOOD video game. Crow: Well it could be worse, we could be reading one of Gonterman's stories. >The Shadow Warrior Crow: I stand corrected. >Part one >Opening Scene: Close up shot of a dark mouse in the prone position with a >rifle almost completely concealed by shadows and vegitation. He is looking >through a scope mounted atop of his rifle at a group of mice children >playing in an area outside a wealthy looking house. Tom: Wait a minute, this isn't the Shadow Warrior, this is The Replacement Killers Crow: He has a rifle? I don't remember any mice using one in that cartoon. >Mouse thinking: I can't believe I took another one of these horrible jobs >for some monster.But if I don't take it and make some money someone else >will and it will be done anyway. Crow: [Mouse thinking] Yeah its immoral, but if I don't do it, some one else will and I won't get paid, so what heck, I'll plug the kid. >But what >does it matter,there is no honor glory in this type of job.I can't even quit >on this one,I am bound by my contract.I just can't do it anymore,I have been >fighting all my life and have given up so much to be what I am,and money is >no longer a worthy cause.I will find some way to use my abilities to do >good,I swear it!But I must finish this one last hit. Joel: [Mouse, sobbing] If only I realized what I was doing was wrong before I firebombed that orphanage. >Camera remains at same shot throughout above,and now shows the mouse >starting to take aim,then switches to a circled in shot through the scope. >The scope view shows the children sitting in a circle on the ground. The >crosshairs slowly move to the center of a well dressed toddler's head.Camra >switches back to the previous shot showing a single tear run down the >mouse's cheek.Then a single shot rings out. Crow: [Movie Trailer voice] He's bad, he's angry, and he's here to take out some baby scum... Joel: Who would put out a hit on a small child? Tom: Maybe this mouse works for Nav? Joel: Maybe Darren should have considered actually watching the show before writing a story about it? I've never seen anything like this on an episode of Chip 'n' Dale Rescue Rangers. >Part 2 Joel: That was ALL of part one? >As the very tired rangers walked through the door after a very demanding >case they can barely walk to the couch before collapsing on it. >Chip: Boy, was that a tough case or what? >Monty: Too right, and I can't believe that those clowns still got away >after we chased them halfway across town. Tom: Yeah, they really piled into that tiny little car didn't they? Crow: Damned circus gangsters... >Gadget: too bad we couldn't use the ranger planes to go after them in, I >was in the middle of adding some new controls to make them more >maneuverable. >Monty:(quietly) I can hardly wait. Crow: We can hardly care. >Chip: we were lucky we caught them without to much of their fancy weapons >their smuggling in,those two rocket launchers they were toting almost cooked >us for dinner. Crow: Rocket Launchers? What are the rangers doing? Fighting the Michigan Militia? Tom: Maybe some of Fat Cat's minions got their hands on of some bottle rockets. >Gadget: where would rodents get weaponry like that? >Monty: yeah,that kind of stuff is humans only. Joel: Gee it seams like the NRA will let you sell deadly weapons to anybody. >Zipper,who has been perched on Monty's shoulder,buzzes something to him >Monty: Krikey,you're right zipper,we can't go after them if they pack that >kind of firepower >Dale: yeah, those things took a pretty big chunk out of that brick wall. Tom: And from the ranger's perspective 2 inches is a pretty big chunk. >Chip: (yawns) Well why don't we get some sleep and we'll plan tomorrow.. >All the rangers agree and head off to their bedrooms and go to sleep. >Part 3 >Early the next morning,Chip is the first to wake and slowly gets himself out >of bed. He put on his jacket and his hat and went into the kitchen and sat >down at the table.He was soon thinking of how to spend more time with >Gadget.A few minutes later Monty walked in and saw Chip daydreaming and >grinned,he knew what Chip was thinking about. Joel: Hey this just switched from script to narrative form. Crow: This guy must be taking notes from Gonterman. >Monty: G'day mate >chip was startled for a moment but looked up to the big mouse who was >donning a apron and chefs hat. >Chip: Good morning monty, whats for breakfast. >Monty: (with slight cheese attack) Ceeeeezzzzzzzeeeee flapjacks Crow: How appropriate considering is a [imitating Monty] C-h-e-e-z-e-y fan fic. >Chip: Well I'll go get the rest of the gang. >Several hours later Crow: Breakfast must have been damned cold. >The rangers had decided not to pursue the case today because of the bad >weather and lack of knowledge of how to deal with this kind of >weaponary.Dale is watching a horror movie on tv,Chip is reading a sure-luck >Jones novel,Gadget is in her Workshop,and Monty and Zipper are playing >cards. Tom: Is this taking place in past or present tense? Joel: Both actually. >All the sudden, there is a knock at the door.Chip,bored to death, jumped up >and ran to answer it. When he opened the door he was almost shocked at what >he saw.There was a male mouse,about his height standing outside the door. He >was dressed in a jet black Battle Dress Uniform,with a jet black trench >style coat over that. Crow: Oh so the mouse is using the trench coat to hide the fact that he's a transvestite. >He wore black boots >that came nearly to his knees and a black aussie style hat. On his body he >wore shoulder harness with something that looked very much like a semiauto >pistol under each shoulder. On his back there was something that looked like >a sword strapped across him.He looked >more like a shadow then a mouse. Crow: Ok, a mouse sized version of Vincent from Final Fantasy VII, ok... Tom: Wait a minute! Will the author please explain to us why that suddenly all of the rodents except the rangers are packing heat? >Mouse: Good Day Sir,is this The Rescue Ranger residence? Crow: [Chip, sarcastically] No this is the Power Ranger residence, the telephone book got our addresses mixed up. >By now Monty,Zipper,and Dale were standing behind him. Joel: Whom are they standing behind Chip or the mouse? >Chip: Yes,it is can we help you? >Mouse: Actually it's more the other way around. My name is Wolf,I am >interested in joining your team. I don't have a normal resume so I'll just >give you my S.A.M.O. file. >Chip: Samo? Crow: Stupid Association of Maniacal Organisms? Tom: No it stands for the Southern Anti-Monopoly Organization. Joel: No you're both wrong, it stands for the South American Monkey Organization >Wolf: "Small Animal Mercenary Organization". All Three: Oh... Crow: For some reason I think this is going to be really bad. Tom: Yeah and its going to be bad in a Blood and Metal kinda way... Crow: Yeah that's the worst kind of bad... >All the rangers look at him kind of funny. Joel: [Monty] Gee mate I think you're in the wrong fan fic. >Wolf: I'm an ex-merc, I just quit the business. >Wolf hands Chip a file folder that is very thick but well organized. >Chip: Well I don't know,we don't really need any new members right now. Crow: [Chip] We especially don't need homicidal ones. >Wolf: I understand,and thats all I ask,is for you to look through the file >and consider me,thats all I want.If you decide you don't need me,I'll leave >you a way to contact me if you change your mind later. Joel: [Mel Gibson's character from Conspiracy Theory] Yeah the feds have tapped my telephone and they puts bugs in my walls so what I want you to do is meet me at the third pay phone on Elm Street. >Chip: Well ok, we'll consider it,come on in. >Chip,Dale and Monty led him to the table,while Zipper went to go get >Gadget.After Gadget came out, Crow: Wait a minute, Gadget came out, so that's why was always ignoring Chip's advances all these years, this explains everything. Joel: Crow! Tom: Well Joel, Crow's theory does make sense, in a twisted kind of way. Have you got a better explanation for why she ignored the advances that were made on her by every single male character on the show? Joel: uh... maybe she just isn't into chipmunks. >they all sat down and the Rangers opened the >file and began reading it. >Chip: (reading) Name: Classified, Codename: Wolf, Status: Deceased? Tom: Say you wouldn't happen to be one of the Ohio Classifieds? or are you of that Classified family from New Jersey? Crow: [Chip reading] Hobbies: lying around rotting and decomposing. >All rangers look slightly confused Joel: You'd look confused too if a zombie came to your door looking for a job application. >Wolf grinning: Thats how I quit, I killed myself,buried myself,and spoke >at my funeral. Tom: [Wolf] Heh heh heh that really scared the crap out of all of the mourners. Crow: I was a good man...not a great man.... >Chip(continuing file): Enemy killed in combat: 500 confirmed,Marks >terminated: 200 confirmed. Joel: Are all of them children? >Wolf's face fell slightly, >Wolf: I have been fighting almost all of my life you know, it adds up. Joel: [Wolf] Yeah, I even took my first job in the first grade. I assassinated my teacher. >Rangers are all stunned looking,staring at him, jaws hanging. >Wolf: Go on,read the next part Tom: Yes please read on about how I killed and maimed the innocent. >Chip: Currant skills: Expert in all known weapons,preferred weapons are >katanna and firearms,Expert Rated with all explosives, skydiving,underwater >operations,climbing,fighter jet pilot,medic, Master Sniper, covert entry and >retrieval,master rating in all known fighting systems and martial arts. Joel: [Darren Perlongo] And to think they said that you could write yourself in as too powerful a character in your own fan fic... Well I say it's impossible, ha ha ha! Crow: Gee I don't think that even James Bond's list of skills is that long. Tom: [Chip] Yes, yes, yes these are all fine skills but what we're really looking for is someone who can type. >Dale: Sounds like something out of those action movies. >Monty: Yeah, how do we know you didn't just make all this up? Tom: Of course he made it up it's his fan fic. >Wolf: I can't prove it to you unless you actually see it,there is just no >way. > >Monty eyes him suspiciously but lets Chip continue. >Chip: Medical and physical condition: All body systems in perfect order. Crow: Which is rather unusual for a dead man. >Eyesight: Extremely acute normal vision,with biochip implant giving inferred >vision as well. Tom: Biochip? I'm still not convinced that the author has even seen an episode of Chip 'n' Dale Rescue Rangers. Joel: Maybe Wolf was one of Professor Nimnul's experiments? >Skeleton is fused with an unknown metal,rendering bones nearly >unbreakable.Three retractable claws made from the metal are on top of each >hand.Posseses a quick healing ability,regenerating damaged or destroyed >tissue in less than one tenth of normal healing time. Also has biochip >implants in his ears premitting him to hear sounds of >frequency far above or below range of any animal's normal capicity Joel: Or... maybe Weapon X needed a lab rat. Tom: Why would Weapon X need a lab rat when they got human guinea pigs? Crow: [Wolverine] Get your own super powers bub! >Monty: Sorry mates,I just can't believe all this, it can't possibly be true. Joel: Neither can we. Tom: [Monty] I can't believe the author would be so pathetic as write himself in as such a blatant, unapologetic Wolverine rip-off! >Dale: Yup, it sounds like a movie all right. >Gadget: It is highly unlikely that what this says is true. Tom: [Gadget] Golly, we're nearly one third of the way through this crappy story and I've only had two lines! What's going on here, I thought I was the most popular character on this show. >Wolf: Trust me, I wouldn't believe me ether, but I can give you a little >reassurance. >Chip: How? Joel: Simple, just go to the airport and have him walk through one of those mettle detectors naked. >Wolf places both his arms flat on the table for all to see.Then three >gleaming claws slide out of the top of each hand. Tom: [Wolf] These things are great! I can use them to trim the hedges, cut the lawn, and they slice a tomato razor thin after cutting through a lead pipe! >All but Wolf: Gasp Crow: [Gadget] Golly! Either the author has lost all sense of originality or we just walked into a Rob Liefeld comic. >Chip: where did those come from? Tom: The home shopping channel and you too can your own set of ginsue implants for $19.99 just dial 1-800-Ginsue >Monty: TooRaloo, those things are sharp,who are you? Tom: [singing] TooRaloo ah TooRaloo royal, oh come on Eileen... >Wolf: skip down to the part marked history. Crow: Yes, please skip to the part about killing all those toddlers. >Chip(reading): History: No information is available before his joining of >the organization. Joined at age 14. Joel: Hasn't the author ever heard of child labor laws? Tom: I doubt it. I doubt he's ever heard of plagiarism laws. Crow: Which means if he's angry with us for making fun of his fan fiction, we'll just tell Marvel Comic's lawyers about his "Wolf-a-rine" character. >Spent first 3 years in training rapidly moving >up in level of skill.First mission receive at age 17 and continued for 2 >years,achieving rank and skills. Disappeared for eight months when captured >on a weapons procurement raid at a US government weapons research >center.When he reported in 8 months later, all his currant skills had been >enhanced to point of perfection,had acquired 90% of skills listed above >after returning. Upon medical examination the following were found in his >body: bones fused with unknown metal,claws made of same metal,eye implants, >a small chip was located in long term memory area of brain,according to him, >this was a synthetic memory device,now permantly locked preventing any >erasure,that contained all his new knowledge. Tom: Hey Joel does this information really clear anything up? Joel: Not really. Crow: (Chip) Looks like someone's been padding their resume a wee bit. >After the standard3 month recuperation leave,he returned back to duty. >Immediately, he rose to the organizations best mercenary.Given all the most >dangerous assignment up until this currant date. Crow: Oh so it was his job to take out all of the really, really dangerous toddlers. >Wolf: while I was captured,the designers were attempting to make an >enhance fighter implant system to use on soldiers in the military,but they >had to test it first.I was the one to receive the new system.They basically >implanted everything they had into me.There was more pain in the operations >then in all the battle wounds I had receive put together.Gradually they >trained me how to control all of the gear and then downloaded brain scans of >the best fighters in the military into the implant.One of the side effects >of the implant is that it took a chunk of long term memory,therefore i >cannot remember my childhood,it;s all just a few fragments of images.I hope >this clears this up. Joel: [Raven from WCW] I was abused, I was ignored, I was forced to hang out with dorks like Stevie Richards, Scotty Riggs and Lodi, bla bla bla, Quote the Raven nevermore. >All the rangers are gaping at him. Finally chip regains his senses and >speaks up. > >Chip: Well this is all hard to believe but the claws do give us some hint >of truth,and we need someone with your skills to help with a case we're >on.Gang should we make him officially a ranger?All in favor? Tom: [[Makes cricket chirping sounds.]] >All but Wolf: I >Chip: All opposed? Joel: Nay! Crow: Nay! Tom: Nay! [Gypsy enters the theater] Gypsy: Nay! Magic Voice: Nay! >No one says anything.Seeing this Chip gets up and walks over to Wolf,the >other rangers follow. Gypsy: Sorry guys. [[Gypsy leaves the theater.]] Tom: Well I for one demand a recount! Zipper hasn't been in this story since the beginning of part two! Joel: Forget about it guys, the author's decision has been set in stone. He's already turned himself into a Weapon X lab rat; we might as well let him join a team that he has no business belonging in. Tom and Crow: Aww... >Chip(shaking Wolfs hand): Welcome to the team Wolf,let me introduce you to >everyone. Crow: [Chip] Yes, you can join us, just please don't hurt us, anything you say, just keep the claws away from me. >Chip: This is Dale > Dale walks closer to him and Wolf shakes his hand, as he does there is a >buzzing sound and Wolf jumps back.Dale,now laughing, shows him a >handshocker. Chip gives him an annoyed look. Tom: Once again Dale shows he has no common sense. Great idea Dale; just walk up to a person who can kill you in a split second, and pull a prank on him. Well that's a wonderful idea. >Wolf: Nice to meet you. >Dale: Me to, I got a kick out of it. >Chip introduces Wolf to everyone and they all sit down to discuss the currant case.