>Part3 Joel: I thought we just finished part 3? Tom: Its bad enough when the author can't use proper grammar, but this one can't even count! >Scene shows all the rangers sitting down at the table to discuss the currant >case. >Wolf: Well because I just got here would you care to brief me on the >currant case? Crow: [Chip] Well Professor Nimnul or fat cat just built another goofy looking machine that will probably just backfire by itself, but just in case we'll have Gadget switch a few wires around. >Chip: Well it's strange but dangerous,we chased down a pair of thugs who >turned on us with some pretty heavy firepower. Tom: Of course they're just rodents, so by their standards a slingshot is pretty heavy firepower. >Gadget: Those to had two rocket launchers that packed quite a punch,the >launchers looked familiar but we couldn't put our finger on it. Joel: We just couldn't decide if they Black Cat brand bottle rockets or Cherry Bombs? >Wolf's face instantly goes dead serious at the mention of rocket launcher. >He begins to >listen intently. Tom: [Wolf] Bottle Rockets are illegal in this state, and I show no mercy on people who smuggle in fireworks. I treat them the same way I treat toddlers! >Dale: Boy,I wonder what cereal those things came in? Crow: Get your own rocket launcher free in you next box of Sugar Crusted Honey Bullets: The official breakfast cereal of the NRA and the Michigan Militia! >Chip bops him on the head for that remark. >Chip: You dummy,you don't get those things from cereal boxes! Joel: Of course you don't find those things in cereal boxes, you got to send away the bar codes on a three by five post card if you want something that big. >Wolf: Please decribe the launchers,did they look like real human launchers >or toy looking? Crow: Neither, they looked like empty Sprite bottles with bottle rockets in them. >Gadget: Now that you mention it, they did look kind of like toys. Joel: The suction cup darts were a big give away. >Wolf:(softly) oh great >Monty: What's the matter mate? Tom: He's been used the US Government, he was part of a top-secret military conspiracy had his memory erased, implanted with Weapon X surplus parts, AND he just killed a toddler! And your asking what's the matter?!!!!! >Wolf: I think I know where they came from,there is a company in Japan that >makes all sorts of stuff including some serial called "muffy chuffys" or >"nutty muddies" or something like that. >Dale: PUFFY WUFFIES? Crow: Great he has to bring up one of the worst episodes of the show that's only decent when you compare it to "Dirty Rotten Diapers" and all of the Rat Capone episodes. Joel: Oh no! This probably means he's going to bring back those lame Japanese stereotype villains. >Wolf: yeah,that's the one, your comment on the cereal reminded me of it. >Dale gives Chip a triumphant look and looks proud. Joel: Make up your mind Darren. Is Dale triumphant looking or proud looking? >Monty: Too right!,and when were chasing those cereal clowns and got out in >with all those toys, Gadget used one of the launchers to blast a hole to get >out. >Gadget: I thought those were a bit too life like. Tom: But that was just a clever plot device! >Wolf: Lifelike is an understatement, those were real weapons,that is where >other mercs get their weapons,their modified toys,mine are the real human >weapons shrunken down,but those guns are just as dangerous. The shipments >are very well guarded and very secure. Tom: Ok now let me get this strait, in addition to smuggling cars into the US the stereotypical Japanese Bad Guys from the "Puffy Wuffies" episode know about secret rodent culture that has eluded all of the humans for years, and the first thing they decide to exploit it by smuggling miniature guns. [Sarcastically] Yeah that makes a lot of sense. >Monty: Well if their so secure, how'd these goons get them? >Wolf: Last month, a shipment disappeared and did not go through the normal >distribution checks.The people who took it, stole everything action figures >and all.What you used was only a small portion of the total amount of kinds >of guns. >Dale: So, what does all this mean anyway? >All but Dale: We have a problem. Crow: Yeah for one thing the writer has no common sense putting the rangers in a gun running story far more suited for someone like The Punisher. >Chip: You said something about your guns, are those all you >have(indicating the pistols on his harness)? >Wolf: Hell no, I have an almost unlimited supply of almost all weapons you >can get. My home base is located under this tree. >All: WHAT? All: WHAT? Tom: Well this has gone from being implausible, to a complete insult to the ranger's intelligence. Crow: Yeah but it would be impossible to insult Dale's intellegence. Tom: Well yeah I guess your right about that. >Wolf: Think about it, easy to remember the location,tallest oak tree in >the Park,I never considered you a threat,besides it was here before you >moved in.I'm not going to bore you with the details,I'll just show you. Tom: [Wolf] Well actually picked this tree because from my base I can get a great view of Gadget taking off her clothes in front of the window. >Switch Scenes >Outside at bottom of the tree,all rangers are there and Wolf is looking at a >section of the trunk about one foot up. >Wolf: (appeantly talking to the tree): Access, Wolf, November, Echo, Tango Crow: Harpo, Groucho, Zepo, and Chico! Joel: [Gadget] See guys he's talking to trees I told you he was crazy! >After saying this a large door, about two feet wide and a foot tall opens >up, revealing a long tunnel. Joel: Oh so the tree has one of those holes that leads to Fraggle Rock. >Wolf: Ok, follow me >Wolf leads them on a short climb up some barely noticeable notches cut into >the bark serving as a ladder and into the tunnel, Which Gadget recognizes >instantly. >Gadget: Golly! This is a runway isn't it? Tom: [Singing] I've got to, run a way, I've got to get away from the pain in the heart of me... >Wolf: Very Good,you are a pilot? >Gadget: Yes, I fly the Ranger's aircraft which I built myself. Crow: [Gadget] I made it out of a flashlight and some duct tape. I learned how to do it by watching McGuiver. >Wolf: Well,I can't wait to see your skills in the air. >Monty: We can. >Chip and Dale shoot him a stern look Crow: [Howard Stern] Ba-ba-Booey. >Wolf: I'm a pilot myself but I really only fly jets,I could fly a >conventional aircraft, but not nearly as well. Joel: Wait a minute since when did they make jets in rodent size? Crow: I think the author keeps forgetting that he's writing about mice and chipmunks. Tom: I'm still not convinced that this author has even watched an episode of Chip 'n' Dale Rescue Rangers. >Monty: Wait a minute,How did you get in here all this time without us >knowing about it? Joel: Yeah that's a good question. Crow: [Monty] Do you have anything to do with all those dead bodies we found buried near the tree? >Wolf: Training in the arts of stealth under the best fighters in the world >for a couple of years is one reason......And my secret enterence down the >path helped too.(he grins) Tom: [Wolf] Actually I built this base right out in the open, but only when Dale and Monty were around, those two are dumb as a sack of hammers. >The rangers reach the end of the runway after quite a long walk. It ends in >a large steel wall. Wolf walks to a door on one of the side walls.He places >his hand on a green tinted >glass pad to the side of the door, it glows for a second and then the door >opens and he leads the rangers into an airlock type chamber with another >door. He then puts his eye very close to a small camera looking thing. Joel: "Camera looking thing"? Darren could you please simplify all theese highly advanced technical terms in this fic just a wee bit more? >Computer Voice: Retina Scan Passed,please enter voice authorization now >Wolf: Access, Wolf, November,Echo,Tango Crow: Pablo, Cheese-o, Zippo! >Computer Voice: All checks confirmed. Welcome, Wolf >The door slid open and wolf led the rangers into a large room with many >doors on the walls.Everything in here is rodent sized. Joel: Yeah as if we expected everything to be human sized a mouse's secret base. >Wolf: Welcome to my Domain,sorry about the heavy security, but with the >things that are in here it is nessecary.I would have used the elevator that >was in your house but it would have knocked the table over,sorry. Joel: [Mel Gibson's character from "Conspiracy Theory"] Yeah the CIA has put bugs in walls, and so have the mob. Even I have bugs in the walls so I can spy on myself. >All the rodents looked around the room, everything perfectly sized to them. Tom: Which is exactly what you said six lines ago. >Wolf: To keep a very long decription short, this place is about >indistructable,capable of supporting us indefinably if necceary,and has >every weapon and jet we could ever need. Tom: [Wolf] Yeah and we got enough guns an' food to for a three week standoff with federal agents when the FBI finds out about this. >There is on problem though, Almost all the weapons I have are fully >leathal,it takes training to use them non leathaly.And also, I really don't >like to use the planes unless I have to for combat because of the attention >they would draw if discovered. I love just flying for fun in them and do it >all the time,it is usually mistaken for either a bird or a model plane.But >when you get into combat,it brings you close enough for them to see you >clearly,and,well you get my point. Joel: Yeah it takes a lot of special training to learn how to shoot a guy in the leg. >Gadget: Can we see the planes? >Wolf: Sure follow me. >He led them into a room marked "hanger" and everyone but Wolf is stunned by >the sight,even more so with Gadget, There are at least 100 fighters lined up >in storage lots. Tom: Great just great, the author can't decide whether Wolf is supposed to be Wolverine, a Rescue Ranger, or the head of the US airforce. >Gadget: Golllllllyyyyy! Joel: [Gadget] Golly with all of this technology this means I just lost my job as the team's supplier for new technology. Crow: [Dale] Yeah and this means that Monty is no longer the resident tough guy. Tom: [Chip] Yeah and as long Wolf's around, your no longer the team's idiot. Crow: [Dale] I'm not the team's idiot. Tom: [Chip] You are too. Crow: [Dale] Are not! Tom: [Chip] Are too! [[Tom and Crow make those high pitched noises Chip and Dale make when they argue.]] Joel: I can't believe you two made it this long with out doing that. >Monty: Tooralooo, I haven't seen this many jets together before in me >life. >Wolf: I can outfit these with any known armament that will fit on that kind >of aircraft.Of course since the armament is scaled down they don't do as >much damage,a 2000 lb bomb (to scale) that when full sized will take out a >fortified bridge, will take out a garbage can filled with sand. Crow: [Wolf] And you wouldn't imagine how often I need to take out a garbage can filled with sand. >Monty: Crikey!,those things pack more punch then a rhino! >Gadget: Jeepers! Joel: Jeepers? What happed to Golly? Dale: Wowwee! Tom: [Inspector Gadget] Wowsers! >Wolf: If what I suspect is correct,we are going to need some of the >equipment I have here to face these guys. >Dale: Oh boy! Oh boy! Now I can shoot up the bad guys (he imitates a >machine gun) Crow: Don't let him touch the guns! Last time he got near one he almost shot Darkwing Duck! Joel: Huh? Tom: He's referring to Copyrats that Tiny Toons, Darkwing Duck, Rescue Rangers cross over. Joel: Maybe you shouldn't mention that one Tom, it might give Dr. Forester Ideas. Crow: Hey I liked Copyrats. >Wolf: actually,I'm not going to let anyone but me use the weapons until you >are properly trained,if these things aren't used correctly they can be as >dangerous to us as they are to them. Tom: [Wolf] And when you are properly trained you'll be able to hold off the FBI when they start looking for me. >Chip: sounds good to me >wolf: thank you,it is for our own good, now if you'll follow me into the >briefing room and show me where you last encountered them,we can get started >on the case. >All the rangers go into a door marked "Breifing" and talking can be heard. >Part 4 Tom: Didn't we just finish part four? Joel: No that was the second part three. Tom: Oh yeah... >Several hours later.Scene of all rangers getting into the Ranger Wing.The >plane takes off and heads to where they last saw the thugs.After a brief >flight, they land and all disembark. >Wolf: Ok,Chip which way? >Chip: over in that alley(he points to an alley just down the block.) Crow: [Chip, talking under his breath] Yes Wolf simply walk in ahead of us, right into that trap that Dr. Ivana Killjoy has set for us. Tom: Say handing Wolf over to Ivana would a good idea >Dale: you can even see the hole that bazooka made >Wolf: all right, come on and be quiet. Crow: [Wolf] This is MY fan fic see and I'm the star! An' none of you are going to do anything unless I say so! >They all walk down to the alley and stop just inside of it. Crow: Hey didn't the author say on his homepage that this was supposed to be action packed? Joel: Don't worry Tom I'm sure this is going to pick up sooner or later. Tom: Actually that's what I'm worried about. If this guy can't even write normal sounding dialog how can write a cool action sequence? >Wolf: now everyone get in a single file line and watch the rear flank. Joel: Hey since Wolf is technically the new ranger shouldn't he be following orders instead of giving them? Crow: [Wolf] This is MY fan fic, so that means I'm the leader and YOU WILL DO AS I SAY! >Monty: (in an irritated voice) Now see here. >All turn to Wolf who is facing into the alley with the rest of the rangers >facing him. >Monty: Now we've been doing this a long time and we know what to do. Joel: Wow after two seasons it looks like Monty's brain has finally kicked in. >Wolf: I just want the rear covered thats all. Crow: [Monty] But I don't even wear pants! >Monty: We know how to watch our backs you know. >Wolf: Really? >Monty: Yeah Crow: Come on Monty hit him! We all know you want to, kick the crap out of this pompous Wolverine wannabe! All Three: [Chanting] Monty! Monty! Monty! >Suddenly Wolf,with lightning fast speed that only comes with experence,draws >his .45 and lets off three rounds just hairs from monty's head.All the >rangers but jump to the side. Joel: Wow, Wolf is as bad as the drill Sargent in Starship Troopers. Crow: Yeah and this script is almost as bad as Starship Troopers. >Chip: Are you plumb crazy??!!! Tom: [Wolf] Well I just killed a kid, my record says that I've killed over 500 people, I just nearly killed your fried, AND YOUR ASKING ME IS I'M CRAZY?! WHY OFCOURSE I AM! HA HA HA HA! >Monty: What are you trying to do.... Crow: He's trying to kill you Monty, don't take it lying down, hit him Monty! Come on Monty. All Three: [Chanting] Monty, Monty, Monty! >Suddenly a grunt is heard behind them and everyone turns to see a rat >holding a knife made from a hobby knife's blade, ready to stab Monty in the >back,fall to his knees with a hole in his chest and two holes right in his >heart blood flowing all over his chest.He takes a gasp for breath with a >bloody mouth and falls over onto his back,dead.All the rangers but wolf are >completely stunned. Joel: And there's the paragraph that caused this story rejected by the DAFT. Tom: Don't forget the Internet Gadget Archive, I bet that they rejected this story too. >Wolf to Monty: you may want to work on that rear vision. Crow: [Wolf] See this is MY fan fic, so that means I'm the star and I'm your new leader and I get all the good lines!! Joel: Crow could you cut back on that "this is my fan fic" routine? We kind of got the point the first time. >He casually walks past them to the rat and fires a round into his >head,spraying a little bit of blood on his face which he wipes off with his >hand. >Wolf: just making sure Tom: Well Wolf you can now be sure that you've nauseated the audience. >He then starts to search the body for clues while the rangers look on,still >bewildered by how he could kill so causally and have no second thoughts >about it.Wolf finds a small piece of paper and reads it for a second before >tearing it up. Crow: They're probably wondering why this guy is doing in a piece of DA Fan Fiction, I don't even think Gargoyles is as violent as this story. Joel: Yeah but think of how twisted this would be if Darren "Sabrewolf" Perlongo had been a fan of Tailspin or Ducktales? >Chip: hey, thats a clue!! >Gadget: how are we supposed to solve the case if you tear up the evidence?? Tom: [Wolf] Why bother solving mysteries when its so much easier to go around randomly killing people? >Zipper: buzzes angrily at Wolf >Wolf, ignoring their protests: He was just a messenger,I know where their >base is,lets go back to HQ and pick up some things,we're going to need them. Crow: [Gadget, sarcastically] Well that's just great first you kill a man who turns out to be nothing more than the bad guy's mail boy and you destroyed a vital piece of evidence, wonderful... >All these guys do is make money on the black market >for this kind of weaponary,their just common smugglers but they are good >ones and that makes them dangerous. Tom: [Wolf] I read all about them in the latest issue of "Soldier of Fortune" they're recommended by three out of four members of the NRA. >Scene switch to rangers getting into the Ranger Wing. >The rangers fly back to Headquarters with Gadget flying with wolf next to >her. >Scene switches to about ten minutes later all the rangers standing outside >waiting on Wolf. Tom: Yeah, yeah, yeah I know, I know "This is my fan fic so I'm the new leader and you all have to wait on me." >Chip: I don't understand how he could kill that person so,easily. >Monty: He saved my skin sure enough,I'll give him that. >Gadget: Still,he didn't have to kill that thug. Joel: Ah its nice to see that Gadget is still the voice of reason in this story. >Zipper: buzzes to Monty >Monty: you're right zipper, sometimes you just have to make a decision on >the spot. >Chip: yes, but he made it so quickly and then he shot him again Joel: We all knew he was dead after the first shot, the second one was just for fun. >Monty: well if he had waited, I might not be here talking to you mate. >Chip: yes but....... >Wolf comes out of the door with a very emotionless face. Joel: Well he already is a dull character who's devoid of a personality, he might as well not show any emotions. Crow: He's turning into Dean Malinko. >He is now carrying a M-16 with a 40mm grenade launcher on it. He >is also wearing an assault vest with 300 extra rounds for the M-16,extra >clips for the .45s and grenades for the launcher. Tom: First he's Wolverine, then he's a Rescue Ranger, and now he's the Punisher... Make up your mind Darren! >As he is walking to the rangers he >wonders if they still trust him after killing that man,he knew in the >situation that it was more than justified by any code of law but he knew >good and well that sometimes people don't take that kind of action very >well.He also knew that if what he suspected was correct they were all in >grave danger. Joel: As opposed to being in cremated danger? >Wolf: look,I'm not going to apoligize for killing that thug because it was >Monty or Him,but all my job is on the team is to keep everyone alive in >combat conditions,which by the way we will almost certainly encounter on >this case.We go about solving this case like you would solve any other but >I'll be keeping an extra sharp lookout, Agreed? Crow: [Gadget] No, this is not a combat situation, this is a piece of DISNEY CARTOON FAN FICTION!!! We are the Rescue Rangers; we only use non-lethal weapons around here, we never intentionally kill anyone, and we don't need a blatant Wolverine rip-off on this team! We all hate you and you don't belong here! Now get out so we can wait for the next fan fiction character that wants to join the team! Tom: If my arms worked I'd be clapping right now. Joel: Aren't you guys being a little hard of Darren Perlongo AKA "Wolf-a-rine"? Tom and Crow: NO!!! Joel: Calm down guys we'll take a break and talk about this after the end of this chapter ok? Tom: Oh alright... Crow: I just can't take much more of this, he's taken a decent little kids show and turned it into a mindless bloodbath. >Rangers nod in response. >Wolf: well then lets saddle up! Joel: So it's a western now? Tom: Hey we're at the end of the chapter, which means... we're taking a break! Bots: Yay!!! [[Joel picks up tom and carries him outside of the theater with Crow following him from behind.]] ----------- ----------- [SOL. Crow is pacing back and forth.] CROW: And then S.H.E.I.L.D. comes in, and supports the entrance of the cast of Duck Tales... [Joel enters with Tom.] JOEL: What are you doing, Crow? CROW: Just working out another revenge fic, Joel. This time the entire Marvel universe and every Disney cartoon comes together to beat up on Darren! TOM: Cool idea, Crow. JOEL: Wouldn't that mean that the Rescue Rangers get involved in the same kind of violence that you're berrating this fic for? CROW: I don't care anymore, Joel. How could someone do this to a harmless kids show? JOEL: There, there, Crow. I'll try to explain. [There's silence. A long, long silence.] TOM: Can't do it, huh, Joel. JOEL: ...nope. TOM: Well, hell, I'll give it a shot. As a kid, Darren watched these harmless shows, but lived in a family where violence was the norm. Father bet up mother, and even the cat could take the dog. Thinking that guns were a natural part of life, Darren wrote stories in which caring people would express their feelings by blowing away innocents and babies. Oh, and he read a lot of X-Men comics. CROW: My turn! I think he went carzy after watching one too many Nirvana videos... TOM: In other words, *a* Nirvana video. CROW: Exactly, and now can't distinguish between a non-violent cartoon for children, and any Peter Jackson splatter fest you care to name. JOEL: Well that's nice, guys. See, isn't it better if you can find a rational explanation for everything. 'BOTS: No! [Crow starts crying again, and Joel comforts him. Alarms go off.] ALL: We got random violence sign!