Mystery Science Theater Online episode-101- The Shadow Warrior. written by Karmacide@aol.com with host segments by Jamas Enright. Legal notice by Karmacide: Chip 'n' Dale Rescue Rangers is property of Disney, Wolf is property of Darren "Sabrewolf" Perlongo (but Marvel Comics may want to debate this),and MST3K is property of the Best Brains. No rights have been reserved, but even did sue me it wouldn't accomplish anything because we all know that parody is protected by the 1st amendment according to the Supreme court. Oh yeah... Darren, Please don't take this personaly. This is just supposed to be a humorous critique on your writting. None of the riffs are ment to be taken personaly against you, they are just comments on how you choose to present yourself in your story. Please just sit back and laugh, also you may want to consider this may help you revise your own stories. Turn down your lights (where availible) Mystery Science Theater Online... [Tom and Crow are on the bridge, talking.] TOM: Oh, Oh, I got one! [Joel enters.] JOEL: Hey, guys, what are you doing? CROW: Well, we've decided to improve life for all concerned. JOEL: You're really going to kill the cast of 90210? TOM: Too easy, Mike. No, we're coming up with new cartoons for kids! JOEL: That's improving life for all concerned. CROW: Either that, or spray paint your room... JOEL: Well, in that case. TOM: Right. My idea is: thre young comic book fans are given the chance to become real life superheroes. CROW: Good one, Tommy! JOEL: Oh, yeah, Bettleborgs. TOM: What? JOEL: That's Bettleborgs. TOM: You mean someone actually did that? JOEL: Yep. CROW: Right, I got one. A children's series about a yellow spotted creature with a very long tail. JOEL: Marsupilami. TOM: Huh? Well, how about a gourp of dinosaurs whose mission is to save the earht from the evil Raptors? JOEL: Extreme Dinosaurs. CROW: Oh, man, this is so silly. JOEL: I guess we'll be right back. TOM: Okay, here's one, enver in a million years. Four heroes battle derelict cars that have come to life. JOEL: Vanpires. CROW: So much for the betterment of life and all concerned. Let them rot. I say, let's kill Shannon Doherty. TOM: Okay, one last try. How about the animated series about the adventures of four superturtles? [long pause] JOEL: No, a new one on me. Good going, Tom. CROW: Yeah, no-one would have thought of that one. JOEL: Oh, Shaggy and Scooby are calling. [Joel hits the button] DR F: Greetings Quazimodo and hunchbacks. FRANK: I like Ariel. DR F: Good for you, Frank. This week, I thought I'd let Frank come up with the invention. Now, I know it's probably not going to be very good, but try to be encouraging. He's just recovering after I killed him because he kept talking about good Chevy Chase films. TOM: Huh? Do they exist? DR F: Of course not, so you can see why I had to kill him. Go on, Frank. [Frank holds up a plate with a sandwich on it.] FRANK: I made a new sandwich. It's got peanut butter, jam and a banana in it. [Dr F. just glares at Frank in confused anger.] TOM: Huh. I like it. Simple but nice. CROW: Now I want one. JOEL: Settle down guys, time for our invention. [Joel brings out a flat screen out from under the desk.] CROW: As you know, there are net nanny's, and Surf Watchers and Cyber Dodads, all feeding the parents' paranoid that their child is viewing pornography. TOM: But pornography isn't just on the 'net. Nor on screen or in magazines. No, it's in books! That's right, your child could be thumbing through your latest Mills and Boon, or even looking up naughty words in the dictionary, but what can you do? JOEL: So we invented the Book Reader Blocker. [He holds the screen up.] Just place this on the page, and it scans in and processes...well, it would take a scientist to explain it, but if it detects anything racer than two people sitting side by side, it instantly blacks out. CROW: Although it does mean that no child can ever read a Noddy book ever again. JOEL: What do you think, sirs? DR F; You're gonna wish you had a Book Reader Blocker when you read today's experiment. It's a stinking fest feast of a Rescue Ranger story that makes Rangers of NIHM look like high art. But before that, you can enjoy a short rant by my dear and personal friend, Nav. ALL: We got the kook sign!! >a thought...... Crow: Nav has actually had a thought? Now that's a stretch. > Nav 8:13 pm tuesday march 17, 1998 Tom: This very line is probably the best thing that Nav has ever written. Crow: I have a feeling that this is going to be going down hill really fast. >Last night, i hadthought hard about the reason why i write such >gory fics. Joel: Perhaps the reason that you write such gory fan fiction has something to do with the fact that you're a terrible writer? >I dont hate women, nor do i have a miserable home >life. all the reasons that the fanatical moonies gave me proved >to be wrong. Joel: [Stuart Smalley from SNL] Now Mr. Nav, I want you to say that to me with a strait face because it sounds like Cleopatra isn't the only queen of De-Nile. > Then i finally remembered why i write what i >write........ Crow: Could it be that you write what you write because you're a sick pervert who gets off on watching young girls die? Joel: Crow... Tom: Joel to tell you the truth Crow really is on to something. Can you honestly tell me that such stories as "Bloodbath" and "Tokyo Chainsaw Massacre" aren't the products of a twisted depraved mind? Joel: Well they are pretty depraved but... Tom: Face it Joel; Nav is a sick kid he's even sicker than Oscar was. I mean Oscar's sexual fantasies were sick, but at least he didn't fantasize about killing a bunch of barely pubescent girls with an Uzi. Joel: Sigh... I guess your two are right. > ..... I like ACTION! Tom: Yeah right, killing a defenseless girl like Chibi-usa with a chainsaw doesn't count as an action sequence. Joel: Your right Tom, I mean Nav's action sequences are even lamer than Gonterman's. >I looked around myself. Every entertaining thing that I enjoy >that isnt comedy is action! James Bond films, Video games, my >interests in role playing games! Crow: [Nav] The 20 dead bodies I have hidden in my closet... >My thinking up ideas for >weapons, armor(roleplaying games), my enjoyment of a good action >movie! Crow: [Nav] My membership in the NRA! Joel: I'm confused what do any of these things have to do with systematically slaughtering defenseless young girls. >That was the main reason I killed off all the senshi in >Metroid 4 in the first place! I wanted my story to have ACTION! >combat, excitement, thrill! yes, All three: NO! Tom: Action, combat and thrill? Ha! More like murder, slaughter, and bad grammar if you ask me. >i did a very crappy job on >metroid 4, but what do you expect from an amateur writer? Joel: That's no excuse! Did being an amateur keep RRQuest@aol.com from writing the classic "Rhyme and Reason"? Tom: Did being an amateur keep Megan6.7 from writing great MSTings? Crow: Did being an amateur keep Jeffery "One-shot" Wong from writing Usagi's Usual Morning? Joel: Crow... >Besides, the story was originally written by a whim on a message >board! Crow: Joel, was that an explanation or an excuse? Joel: Um actually I'm not sure... >I didnt even make the attempt to study on governments or >bother to put in much, since i wrote it merely to amuse myself >and other anti-moonies, not you moonies. Crow: And you did a really crappy job and ended up nauseating not just moonies but anti-moonies along with a good many people who haven't even seen the show. >I have been listening to you moonies for too long. If you dont >like my fics, thats just too bad. Tom: If you don't like Sailor Moon that's just too bad now shut and stop writing bad anti-fics! >They arent meant for you. >Just as pornography isnt meant for 3 year olds. Tom: Just, as pornography isn't meant for 3 year olds Nav's fan fiction isn't meant for anybody. >My fics >are written to entertain my fellow anti-moonies, like those wonderful guys >at the ISM(maybe ill join them someday). Joel: [Nav, sobbing] If only they let me join... Sob I have no friends. >If you wanna >whine about my fics, do it through an MSTing. Those are both funny and they >make fun of the fic without starting a flamewar easily. Tom: And if you don't learn to take feedback and criticism seriously then you'll never become a decent writer. Crow: Umm... Tom this is Nav we're talking about. Tom: Ok, Nav if you don't learn to take feedback and criticism seriously AND if you don't seek psychological help you'll never become normal member of society. >If you really hate my fics, then just dont read them. And if >yer gonna continiue whining about my fics, then screw you! yer >just wasting yer time, doing so, since i dont plan on quitting >ficwriting anytime soon. Joel: Oh yeah well if you don't like Sailor Moon why don't you stop wasting your time writing pointless violence anti-fics and leave the moonies alone? Crow: He won't do that because he's lunatic who has a giddy fascination with the death of young women! Tom: Well that rant was almost as painful as on of Nav's actual Anti-fics. [[The three exit the theater in their usual manner.]] 1...2...3...4...5..6 ------ ------ [Joel and the 'bots are sitting behind the desk, looking over various pieces of paper, although Crow is hidden behind a stack so large you can only see his hairpiece.] JOEL: All right, everyone, are we ready? [He finally catches sight of Crow's pile.] JOEL: Crow, it was only supposed to be an outline! CROW: Well, I had to include the Knight Sabers, Guyver, Ranma and everyone... JOEL: Why would a Sailor Moon revenge fic on Nav feature any of those. CROW: Why not? JOEL: ...okay. Tom, why don't you go first. TOM: Okay, Joel. My idea for a revenge fic on Nav by the Sailor Scouts. Well, it's basically a crossover between Sailor Moon and Home Improvement. You see , the Scouts are invited onto the show Tool Time, and Nav is in the audience. He gets up and attacks them, but Jupiter knocks him out in one punch, and the rest of the story is just Tim and the Scouts showing off how all knids of really neat and powerful tools work. On Nav. I've got this one really good scene involving a blunt rusty spoon and Nav's armpits. JOEL: Okay...that's nice, Tom. A little greusome though. Crow, how about you? CROW: Well, Joel, as you know there are so many weapons around today, many more than even Nav himself has used. I think it would be a fitting revenge for the Scouts to try out each and every one of them on him. But then those voices spoke up, and said everyone should have a go! Which is when this became a crossover with BuggleGum Crisis, Gundam, Legend of the Four Kings, Toko Babylon, Dominion Tank Police, La Blue Girl- JOEL: That's very ncie Crow, but I'm not sure you should even know about that last one. CROW: I've seen worse on Fox. JOEL: Well, yeah, I can understand that...anyway, my idea is that the Scouts get together with Nav over a nice cup of tea and some scones, and they talk about their problems and try to understand one another. TOM: Huh, not much revenge there. JOEL: ...slowing drive Nav completely insane. CROW: Well, that would work...only he already is. JOEL: No, Crow, don't say that. That isn't politically correct. Now we say that he's "Selectively Perceptive" or a "Mental Explorer". TOM: Or just completely out of his tree. [Joel is about to say something, but the lights go off.] ALL: We got fanfic sign!