Octagon Theater: Episode 106 [Ordinary People Mix], part 1 "Shadowloo" Original by the Murgo Queen and GFD Kicked old-school by: James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight TV's Gavok the Black Snotling Scott "Falconer" Faulkner Damien "SAMAS" Hailey Quanah Harjo Thomas "Wanderer" Wilde Edited by Thomas Wilde [storyteller@webzone.net] Aided and abetted by Dana Crysalis, Zeek Silverfire, and Kevin Kanda Obligatory Disclaimer Crap: This is a MiSTing with a non-standard cast. Hopefully, it's a good enough cast that you can just enjoy the MiSTing. This grew out of the message board and chatroom that the lot of us hang out on, and the characters in the theater are there representing the online personas of members of the writing staff. Hunter is the guy who set up the chat room. Part of my gig as editor was to keep this relatively injoke-free (this version, anyway), so you don't need to know any more than that. In other words, it's Mystery Self-Insertion Theater 3000. How revolutionary. This 'fic is rated PG for violence; the commentary is rated R for language and blatant sexual innuendo. Shake before opening. Batteries not included. Don't point that thing at me. You just wait 'til your father gets home. This is our fifth MiSTing, but the previous episodes were a bit too in-joke-ridden to consider submitting to SVAM. If you'd like to read them, please visit our archive site at http://tiffa.brawl.org/personal/elsewhere/or99/mot.html. ===== [...and... begin.] [A rotating graphic appears, advertising the Multiverse Television Network, or the MVTN.] [Fade in. The scene begins on a stereotypical laboratory, poorly lit and covered with discarded machinery. A tattered movie poster -- "Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat", prominently featuring a kid in a purple gi and, notably, no Street Fighters or Mortal Kombatants -- is in a wastebasket near the back of the room; the rest of the room is occupied by arcade cabinets, circuit boards, an overstuffed couch, and various paraphernalia featuring Morrigan Aensland. [Abruptly, a man in his early thirties, wearing a black T-shirt with the letters "MVFC" printed on it -- HUNTER -- comes into view, as he rotates the camera to face himself.] HUNTER: Hello, plebians. I am Hunter, and I am responsible for your next few hours of entertainment. Fear me. [HUNTER moves back, away from the camera, and picks up a mysterious gadget (tm) from the couch. It looks like someone welded a bunch of superfluous circuitry to the remote control for a battery-powered car, right down to the little steering wheel and antenna.] HUNTER: A bit of background, for those backwards enough to not recognize me; I am a "mad" scientist and television executive, specifically interested in the growing field of pop-culture overload. In layman's terms, I see how much absolute crap I can expose someone to before they break, and frequently cackle maniacally while doing so. Last year, I conducted an extensive experiment towards that end, by building a movie theater and trapping several acquaintances within it. [He proudly holds up a small model of a movie theater.] HUNTER: By "experiment", I mean, of course, I exposed them to an incredibly powerful bit of bad fanfiction. The results were... promising, but unfortunately, one of them was able to turn the tables on me, allowing my guinea pigs to escape. [HUNTER holds up a small voodoo doll with a pair of pins through its chest. The doll wears a little black coat.] HUNTER: I was driven from my own theater, which I'd spent so much time on, and forced into hiding for a time. When I finally returned, I discovered that others had been using my beloved theater in my absence. I was forced to make some... cosmetic changes. I restocked the snack bar, reinforced the doors, electrified the handle on the bathroom door, updated the technology on my trusty Zeek-Bot camera... [Splitscreen. One side shows Hunter, grinning maniacally. The other shows what appears to be a small-town, second-run movie theater, enclosed within a shimmering forcefield, floating high above a blue planet.] HUNTER: ...and, of course, put the theater in ORBIT. No longer will people casually stroll into MY PROPERTY and take control! Of course, I needed to have a little housewarming party, so I've decided to invite a few people over... old friends, acquaintances, past survivors of Torture Theater, that sort of thing... and... [Beat. He tries to look nonchalant, then abruptly manic. He's only partially successful.] HUNTER: ...DESTROY THEM! [He cackles maniacally.] HUNTER: They shall be joining me upon my beautiful, beautiful satellite momentarily. You probably don't know them, but then again, they don't know you. Just settle back, viewers, and learn to enjoy their pain! [HUNTER presses a button on his gadget four times.] [SCENE: A crowded, smoke-filled bar. A man wearing unbleached blue jeans, a black sweater, and a long black coat -- WANDERER -- is leaning against the bar, an empty shot glass in one hand. A sheathed sword is visible underneath the coat. Suddenly, he vanishes, and the shot glass shatters on the floor.] [SCENE: A darkened city street. A *huge* man with a wrestler's build, in a red jacket and black pants -- FALCONER -- slouches down the block. He disappears between one step and the next.] [SCENE: The top of an ancient castle. A robed man -- DANA -- comes out of the castle, a bottle of wine and two glasses in his hands. The woman he's walking towards gasps, as the man abruptly disappears. The bottle and glasses hit the floor and break.] [SCENE: A futuristic space station. A man in a powered combat exoskeleton -- SAMAS -- looks up from a bank of computers, and, just like the others, vanishes from sight.] [SCENE: directly in front of a movie theater's screen. Two young men -- one in a red tuxedo, the other in a black shirt, red vest, and top hat -- are seated in front of it. The former is James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight (hereafter referred to as the MMK); the latter is GAVOK. Both are playing WWF Attitude on a Playstation hooked to the movie theater's screen, using characters that resemble themselves. A snack bar is visible on the left-hand side of the theater. Steel folding chairs and and closed card tables are stacked like cordwood on either side of the theater's screen. A small doll that resembles the MMK is propped against the Playstation, so it appears to be watching the game.] [The game is interrupted by the aforementioned four men appearing in front of the screen.] WAND: --the hell? FALC: Wanderer. WAND: Falconer? FALC: I will crush you. WAND: The hell you will. DANA: Perhaps your dispute should wait until later. We appear to have arrived in... *this theater*... *again*... [DANA lets out a scream of uncharacteristic rage, stops to breathe, and sees MMK and GAVOK.] DANA: -- Gavok? Knight? GAVOK: Yeah, what? MMK: Would you mind sitting down? You're standing right in front of me. DANA: Why haven't you left? SAMAS: Because they're pretty damn stupid. MMK: You're just jealous of my mad skills, Jigglypuff. Why don't you sit down? SAMAS: Make me. WAND: How 'bout we all calm down for a few minutes here? Is this Torture Theater? HUNTER : You're damned right it is, Bondage Faeries! Welcome to the theater of your discontent! MMK: Well, booger. [begins unhooking Playstation] FALC: I will crush *you*. [points at intercom] HUNTER: Unlikely, Hogan. You're going to enjoy another bit of fanfic here in the comfort of Torture Theater, or my name isn't Storm Wilder! WAND: You're really askin' for it, Hunter. HUNTER: Oh, of course. Bite down hard, my little guinea pigs, and -- are those...? MMK, GAVOK : Hey, Hunter! HUNTER: Get out of my theater! GAVOK: No damn way. Playing video games on a 200-foot screen fucking *rules*. HUNTER: ... GAVOK: Besides, the snack bar's still nearly full. HUNTER: Then suffer with the rest, Dexy's Midnight Runners! This little golden oldie is something from the Street Fighter brand of nauseating original characters! Have a little bit of "Shadowloo,", and remember... chew every bite at least twenty-five times! WAND: Aw, crap... HUNTER: Oh, before you begin, I've made things just a little more interesting for you crazy kids. Falconer, if you'll be so good as to check the small box behind the folding chairs...? [FALC, cautiously, does so. A moment later, he comes up smiling, holding a box filled with painful things -- a lug wrench, a cattle prod, a bottle of lighter fluid, and a hardcover copy of David Foster Wallace's _Infinite Jest_ are immediately visible. He has also selected a steel folding chair.] FALC: Now we're talking. [hefts wrench experimentally] MMK: ...bad Pigeoner. Bad, *bad* Pigeoner. FALC : Don't call me Pigeoner. DANA : This will end in fire. HUNTER: According to my research, you boys will probably try to maintain your sanity by cracking lame jokes, and since I know Wanderer's got a filthy mind -- WAND: Yeah, and? HUNTER: -- I decided to give Falconer some new toys. I've also reloaded and repaired a system that's apparently seen some heavy use lately; MMK, you know all about this. Yes, it's the return of the -- [A panicked bellow sounds from directly above the theater screen. All six men look up. FALC is still grinning evilly, but everyone else looks uneasy.] HUNTER: -- Elephant Ejector. Watch what you say, robot superpals! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SAMAS: Now that's just silly. MMK: Painful, too. HUNTER: That's never stopped me before! Enjoy... if you can! DANA : ...we've got fanfic sign. [The intercom clicks off at the same time the projector turns on. ALL sit down. Left to right: WAND, GAVOK, MMK, FALC, DANA, SAMAS. At the back of the theater, a robotic camera (the ZEEK-BOT), painted matte black and looking vaguely like a human, starts recording the movie and the commentary.] ===== WAND: Hey, the Elephant Ejector's above your seat, MMK. MMK: I figured as much. FALC : ...my toys... > ~Prologue~ DANA: Well, that's a silly name for a fanfic. Besides, I'm very *anti*logue. SAMAS: I'm not! I'm prologue all the way! FALC: Personally, I don't care. MMK, GAVOK : It's LO-OGUE, it's LO-OGUE, it's big, it's heavy, it's wood... > What his name is and where he is from has been a mystery since he first appeared in > the public spotlight... MMK: Ah. The Amazing Kreskin. > and as long as he has his way, it shall remain so. SAMAS: Unless Barbara Walters gets to him. FALC : If you could be a twee, what kind of twee would you be? GAVOK : Okay! Okay! I give in! My real name's Phil Lashio, and I'm from the Bronx! FALC : I love my work. > Although there have been numerous attempts to unlock the secrets he guards, none have > successfully learned the entire truth about the man who calls himself M. Bison, Supreme > Master of Shadowloo. DANA: That's the entire truth, the *whole* entire truth, and nothing *but* the wh-- WAND : YOU CAN'T *HANDLE* THE ENTIRE TRUTH! > His goal is simple: total domination of Earth! FALC: Not something complicated like a nice house in the suburbs. Of course not. > The method to accomplish this seems equally simple, SAMAS : Pokemon! DANA : Teenagers who make pop music! > yet is by far a twisted network of loops, MMK, GAVOK : Loop, loop-a-doop, loopa-doopa-doopa-loop... > to keep out any who would dare oppose him. He uses the money he makes in drug > trafficking to finance his empire, WAND : [heavy breathing noises] Get out there and sell that smack, kids. [more heavy breathing noises] > coupled with huge gambling profits from the Street Fighter tournaments he holds. MMK: I told you not to bet on Dan. GAVOK: I thought he could take Onslaught by himself! > Bison is no fool, SAMAS: Damn. That severely limits our ability to make Mr. T jokes. WAND : Not that there's anything wrong with that. > and knows that such a task is to great for one man to obtain, which is why he has > three lieutenants: Sagat, Vega, and Balrog. FALC: So one guy can't conquer the world, but *four* guys can? MMK: According to that logic, the six of us would conquer this solar system. > Each of them serve him with an undying loyalty...yet deep down, one must wonder as > to how well each can be trusted. DANA: But I don't want to wonder. SAMAS: You have to. Suck it up. > Sagat is Hell-bent on revenge against a man known as Ryu, and could prove to be a > problem later. As for Vega and Balrog, each are psychotic, and are wild-cards, > at best. WAND: They're mad, bad, and dangerous to know! > However, his mind is now occupied with something he had not felt in years... > something he had not felt since he had met a young girl called Cammy. MMK, GAVOK: EEEeewww. SAMAS: What? MMK : Nothing? FALC: ...Ohhhhhhh... I get it now. [grabs a steel folding chair and dents it on the MMK's head] Don't do that. MMK: Ow. Bad Pigeoner. Bad. > Bison felt the call of love. DANA : Rrrrrrriing! GAVOK : Hello? Mister Lashio? > This time, it was for a woman who had more in common with him, more than Cammy, at > least. This one would be different, he was sure. FALC : I know for a fact that this one's not a guy. *shudder* > ~FlashBack~ MMK: Bison got the feeling of love like he did with Cammy. GAVOK: Farther back. MMK: Bison wondered if he could trust his cronies. GAVOK: Farther back. MMK: A bolt of lightning hit a stick and fire was born. GAVOK: That's too far. > Bison, accompanied by Sagat, strode angrily through the brightly-lit corridors of > Shadowloo headquarters; his eyes were ablaze with fury. WAND : My eyes! AAIIEEE! > He hadn't expected, or by any means, seen this coming. MMK : It's the Mean Street Posse! What are they doing here? > A few weeks back, he had worked out a clever scheme to steal 2.5 million dollars SAMAS : Two-point-five *million* dollars. > from a local technological company. FALC: Oh, so the "M" stands for "Microsoft". > The plan had worked perfectly and, as far as he knew, he would never MMK, GAVOK: ...eeeeeeeeeEVER! > hear of it ever MMK, GAVOK: ...EEEEEEE*EVER*! > again -- the money was his. There had been no news or investigations concerning > the money's disappearance, and local authorities had not sent out any search parties. WAND: Four years ago, two-point-five million dollars went into the woods near Blair, Maryland... > Bison sincerely believed that he had pulled off one of the most flawless frauds in > all of history. GAVOK : FLAWLESS! SAMAS: I thought his most flawless fraud was making everyone think he didn't exist. > Unfortunately for him, he had thought wrong. He had just been informed by his > lieutenant Sagat that his headquarters had been infiltrated by the opposition > shortly after the 2.5 million's disappearance. The perpetrator had hacked into > his own database computers and had accessed the account in which he had deposited > the stolen money. MMK: That's a lotta money. They're payin' him plenty of money just to sing this song, child. GAVOK: *DING!* MMK makes the first Weird Al reference! Total Weird Al References this fanfic: MMK 1. MMK: Thank you, thank you. > However, the perpetrator's apparent success was cut short when some base > functionnaries suspiciously kept an eye out and then reported their finds to Sagat. GAVOK : "Kept an eye out?!" That's not funny, you son of a bitch!! > Bison and his lieutenant turned a sharp corner SAMAS : Wait, sir! You have to t-- DANA : *BUMP!* Ow! SAMAS : You really do need to learn to handle those sharp corners, sir. > and arrived at the location of the base control room. Inside, four common > soldiers and two defense operators surrounded a single figure, mumbling > jeers and curses. MMK : A single figure. Jesus! FALC : Seven dollars for six of us... does that even divide evenly? DANA : Does this mean... SAMAS : I guess so. GAVOK : HARDCORE MATCH! WINNER TAKE ALL! WAND : Damnit, I hate having one of these every week... > At the sight of Bison, the six people pulled away from the small figure and > watched their boss approach with wide, insolent smiles. DANA : Sorry, sir. Forgot this wasn't a lemon story. FALC : Please don't kill us. > The perpetrator kept a low profile; WAND: Despite the Unabomber trial being long over. > head down with the brim of his hat pulled down over his eyes,common loose > military clothing found around the base. > > "What's this?" Bison boomed as he walked into the large room, frowning deeply, SAMAS : Yahtzee, sir. Want in? DANA : Well... all right. But just one game. I'm planning to take over the world, you know. > "I steal something just to then have it stolen from me?" He pondered aloud. WAND: Yes, yes. The irony is horrific. Get on with it. > He stopped before the one he spoke to and clasped his big hands behind his back, > "What's your name, fool?" He barked sharply. SAMAS : Snoop Doggy Do-o-o-o-og! > The person did not speak. GAVOK : Well, I know just what you're saying. So please stop explaining. Don't tell me 'cause it hurts. MMK: *DING!* And Gavok gets the first No Doubt reference by anybody, *anywhere*, in the past two years! [GAVOK stands and bows.] > The soldier who held the perpetrator in place sneered and chuckled raspily. Bison > shot the man a glance and he quieted immediately; WAND : Dude, I can't believe you put a Kick Me sign on Bison's back. DANA : Shh.. you'll blow my cover. > he brought his hand out from behind his back and roughly raised the captive's chin > to reveal his face. MMK : It's old man Withers! He was trying to scare us away so he could keep the treasure! SAMAS : And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for you snooping dictators! > Bison's expression changed from infuriated to dumbfounded in seconds. Behind him, > Sagat laughed quietly; the other soldiers did not dare to push their luck. The > perpetrator was a woman. WAND: Big deal. So are Chun Li and Rose, and they're out to kick your ass. > Bison paused momentarily, then relaxed his stance and smiled patronizingly, "Well... > well well." He purred, DANA: First he barks, then he purrs. Can't he stay as one animal? FALC: Just so long as he doesn't start bleating... > his voice dropping in pitch, "This is a surprise..." He went on, looking the > little lady from head to toe, "...I was never very fond of surprises. SAMAS : Except Tuna Surprise. > What did you say your name was?" He asked then, raising an eyebrow mockingly. GAVOK : Well, I'm-- MMK : IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!! > The woman's emerald eyes narrowed, "Isis." She replied, holding Bison's gaze > challengingly. MMK: Isis London, Isis France! Isis-- [FALC growls.] MMK: --Jhun Hoon changing stance. GAVOK: Oooooh, nice. MMK: Thank you! I try. > "Oooooooh." Sagat cooed sarcastically under his breath and wiggled his > fingers. GAVOK: The part of Sagat will be played by Kevin Nash. > A flicker of annoyance passed through general Bison's eyes, WAND : Oww! My eyes! Oww! > "Well then, Isis, did you honestly think you'd pull off your crazy little > scheme?" DANA: Did you think you could do it? Did you think you could *steal* from *me*? > He asked, crossing his arms over his chest. FALC: As opposed to through them. SAMAS: That *would* be a little messy, wouldn't it? GAVOK : WIN IF YOU CAN! SURVIVE... IF I LET YOU! > Isis' lips tweeked up in an ironic smile, "It worked for you, didn't it?" She > answered coolly, unaware of the thin line she walked. MMK: I'll say. She really shouldn't be tweeking her lips; after all, it *is* physically impossible. > Bison took a deep breath and moistened his lips, GAVOK: As opposed to "tweeking" them... > "You are obviously not a solo part in this affair; SAMAS : You're right. I'm third alto. But I *could* do the solo! > who hired you to come to Shadowloo and rob me?" He asked, dismissing the pert > comment Isis had just made. A strand of brown hair fell out from under Isis' > military cap, WAND: Watch as the Incredible Isis goes bald *right before your eyes*! > "The Street Fighters." She said simply, "They gave me some needed information > concerning this place and set me up to do what I do best." MMK : So for your pleasure here tonight, here's my tit-- [MMK pauses and grins at FALC, who's growling and rising out of his seat] MMK : --tillating ventriloquist act. WAND: You probably shouldn't be doing that, MMK. MMK: I know. Isn't it great? > She added with a slight shrug. > > A throaty chuckle escaped Bison's lips GAVOK : I'm free! I'm free! > and he shook his head, "What you do best, hm? Well, perhaps you should look > into getting better at what you do, my dear!" He declared triumphantly, raising > his voice for insulting emphasis. MMK : Hey! Emphasis! Your mom is a SLUT! Slut slut slut slut your mom is a SLUT! > Now, the soldiers laughed without fear. SAMAS : Oh, *I* get it! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! FALC : ...I don't g- oh, YEAH! NOW I get it! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! > When the riot had toned down and Isis had been fully embarassed, DANA: How? Did they find her yearbook? > Sagat spoke up, "Shall I have her executed, general?" He asked loudly. GAVOK : Yes. Take her down with a Bulldog, then put her into the Sharpshooter for the submission. If Vince tries to screw me over again, break her back. > There was a momentary silence in the room, then Bison uncrossed his arms, > "No." He replied confidently, DANA : I mean, she's only managed to break into our base and could be trying to kill us all, and I'm an evil dictator... but hey! Let her live! > "We all had a good laugh at the expense of Isis' infiltration talents, > but in truth, she did quite well." He reached out and boldly touched > the woman's face, SAMAS: Where no man has gone before! > "Yes; WAND : I've found the worst possible place to put a semicolon. SAMAS : Congratulations, sir! > I believe she could be useful to me. What do you say Isis?" DANA: ATARI TEENAGE RIOT! FALC: WHAT did you say? DANA : AT-AR-I TEEN-AGE RIOT! > He asked her softly, "Will you work for me, or will you die?". GAVOK : Well, do you have a 401k? > The four soldiers snapped their weapons up and pointed them at Isis. WAND : I broke my rifle. FALC : Me too. SAMAS : Ditto. MMK : I haven't. *snap* Goddamnit. > It was then that Isis' greed became clearly apparent to all in the room at > that moment, "I will work for you, general." DANA: Only *now* does her greed become clearly apparent to them, despite her having been caught five minutes ago trying to STEAL TWO AND A HALF MILLION DOLLARS. WAND: I'm uncomfortable with self-preservation being depicted as greedy. > She declared, raising her voice. Bison smiled a velvet smile, FALC: -- and Nico -- > "Excellent." He purred, then turned away from Isis and stalked towards the > exit, "Take her to her chambers." He ordered Sagat as he walked by. GAVOK : Who is that blithering idiot, Sagat? DANA : That's Homer Simpson, sir. One of your drones from Section 7-G. GAVOK : Simpson, eh? > Under any other circumstances, Bison would have had Isis shot; anyone who changes > sides on an ultimatum will most likely betray his or her new faith once their back > is turned. DANA : Hey, yeah, *that's* right. Sagat! Have her shot! > But Isis was a hired aid, which meant she was less likely to being partial...and > besides, she had held Bison's gaze throughout the whole interview... MMK : Got your gaze. Want it? [GAVOK mimes reaching for it, MMK pulls his hand back quickly.] MMK : Can't have it. > and Bison knew well what he saw in the young woman's green eyes. FALC: Namely, cataracts. MMK : You've got an eye booger riiiiiight here. SAMAS : Oh, how embarrassing. > ~End FlashBack~ GAVOK : Heh. This acid is awesome! > Shadowloo -- Chapter 1 DANA: Hey! Don't we get a break between chapters? HUNTER : Like hell! The only break you get is your mind snapping in half! [ALL groan.] WAND: Incidentally, I've got a copy of the Street Fighter drinking game. Anyone up for that? [ALL exchange glances.] MMK: Why not. DANA: Very well. [ALL get beverages and sit back down.] WAND: I'll let you know what's up. > Usually, Bison doesn't get involved when--outsiders try to infiltrate his > fortress of Shadowloo. GAVOK : Hey yo. You afraid of us, Bison, or what? > That is what he has his army of men for...to fulfill his motto: "Anyone who opposes > me will be destroyed!" MMK: And "I'm not going to pay a lot for this muffler." > If they prove to be a special case, he will send one of his elite after them. Those > that need to feel pain, plain and simple, meet the FALC: ...Olsen twins? SAMAS: ...Spice Girls? GAVOK: ...Jar-Jar Binks? > psychotic Balrog. Those that need to be dealt with in a more subtle manner meet > Bison's personal assassin, Vega. DANA: Oh, come on. Vega's about as subtle as Duke Nukem. FALC: And those who need a deep-down cleaning meet Stacy, Bison's maid. > For those few special cases, those that are truly impressive, will meet Sagat; > second only to Bison! WAND: After that it's Steve Buscemi. MMK: Then Hal Sparks. GAVOK: Then Apollo Creed. > However, in this case, Bison felt like he needed to partake in the action, and > went to meet his guests, to tell them that they were trespassing. SAMAS: Get offa mah land, yew trespassas! > Then, he would tell them of the penalty for such an outrage, and would be there > to be their judge, their jury, and their executioner. There would be no appeal > to a higher court, for on Shadowloo, Bison IS the law. In this case, if you > fight the law, you die! GAVOK: The part of Bison will be played by Judge Dredd. > Two well-placed Psycho Shots let his visitors know he had found them, MMK : It's my turn to hide now! and that if he wanted to, those Shots could have easily killed them. WAND: Okay. Sip for the special move, gulp for it being far more powerful than it is in the game. [ALL drink.] > Then, they saw him as he slowly floated down, and touched the ground; not a sound > was heard as he landed. > > They each withdrew their guns, but before they could shoot, Bison warped in front > of them, FALC : Y'know, if you'd just weatherproof, you wouldn't warp like that... > and took them both out with a Psycho Crusher! [ALL sip.] DANA : Sorry. My car is in the shop. > He warped around, taunting the two agents and laughing at them. MMK: Hey, my kind of guy! > The man attempted a snap-kick, but Bison caught his leg, and slammed him to the > ground. The woman flipped him, FALC : ...and he's up... > but he landed on his feet, without the help of his Psycho Powers. FALC : Dismount! GAVOK: *That* will probably cost him with the judges. WAND: They mentioned Psycho Power. Sip! [ALL sip.] > Although neither of them showed it, he could sense their fear. That is what he > sought. Fear would be what would allow him to reach his dream of taking control > of this world. In a blink, he broke their spines, and they were dead. WAND : Don't even think about it. SAMAS: What? At least they actually wrote in a fight. > "This was almost too easy. What a shame to kill such young agents. They are probably > only in their mid-twenties, from their looks. What a shame to have to kill such a > pretty face, too. MMK : I'll bet she shagged like a minx. [An uncomfortable pause.] MMK : How can I tell them I have no interior monologue? > Oh, well. Now, back to...what?" GAVOK : World Domination? FALC : Oh, yeah! Thanks. > There, in the dark of night, stood an all so familiar figure; one Bison had thought > to be long dead. DANA: Santa? WAND: John Lennon is back, and he's pissed! > Yet there he was, looking at him. How he was looking at Bison, he couldn't tell, as > the dark concealed his eyes, but he knew what this man wanted. GAVOK : No, I will not join the Columbia House Record Club! I'm not ready for that type of commitment! MMK: Ding! MMK 1, Gavok 1. GAVOK: Thank you. > "So, you've returned again? I don't know how you did it, but I will make sure you > don't come back this time. You, and your fellow US Army buddy have > been a thorn for too long! Now, I will remove you!" SAMAS: That must be one BIG lion. > Bison briefly vanished, only for several mirror images to appear. They then all dove > in with Scissor Kicks at him, until only Bison was left. To Bison's shock, the man > had blocked the entire assault, FALC : Ooh, he blocked the Knee Press Nightmare. So can *dead* people, you idiot! > and didn't seemed to be phased in the slightest manner. > > The man tried to catch him with a Boom, DANA : Are they on a sailboat? > only for Bison to warp past it. However, as he reappeared, the man caught him with > a double-flip kick, knocking Bison to his back. MMK : Stay down... it's easier that way... > As he got up, he was grabbed and repeatedly kneed in the gut. Then, there was a > glow in his foe's eyes, ALL: *Ding!* GAVOK: Fries are up! > and a Barrage was fired from him, and coming toward a dazed Bison. GAVOK: So Bison was thrown into the ropes where his ear was torn off. > "BISON! It's time!" WAND : It's time to play the music! DANA : It's time to light the lights! MMK : It's time to get things started... ALL : Why don't you get things started? > He awoke, and was covered in sweat. He looked over toward where the voice that had > called his name was. He couldn't make it out, as it was still dark in the room, yet > he recognized her. It was his love, FALC: Macrame! > and he was rather surprised to see her there. > > "Isis, what are you doing in here?" DANA: What an unexpected comment. SAMAS: What, no Hentai comment? [DANA points to FALC] SAMAS: Oh yeah, forgot. Squish. WAND, MMK: You wusses. > "Funny you should ask, luv. You don't look so good, ya know. So, the man who loves > to be everyone's nightmare is having nightmares?" she said, half sarcastically. WAND : I dreamt I ate this big marshmallow. WHERE'S MY PILLOW?! > He looked at her, his eyes glowing. He then closed them, and looked away. > > "Easy does it, big guy. It was The Shadow again, wasn't it?" GAVOK: Who knows what evil lies in the hearts of men? MMK: The Shadow knows... > "I had assumed that he was dead, in both incarnations. DANA: Yeah, the Crisis fucked that all up. Check "Who's Who". > Yet he continues to haunt me!" SAMAS: Ah, so Kenny is in Street Fighter. > "Well, it'll have to wait, Bison. You've got about ten minutes before your > little meeting with your trio of terror. Get moving!" GAVOK: Please be the Jersey Triad! Please be the Jersey Triad! DANA: No way! Wonder Woman, Thief Catcher, and Invisible Girl! MMK: Nuh-uh! Kim, Ralf, and Clark! > Bison got out of bed, WAND : Oh, if you don't mind me asking, what's this poisonous cobra doing in my underwear drawer? GAVOK: *Ding*! MMK 1, Gavok 1, Wanderer 1. WAND: Boom, baby. > and went to change. > > As he came back, she stopped him, and pointed him to the mirror. He then > hurriedly fixed himself. MMK : Fix me now, I wish you would fix me now... > She gave him her approval, and nodded politely to him. > > "Isis, thank you. WAND : May I go now, Mistress? GAVOK : Very well. Leave my presence! > Now, I must go!" and he warped off to his meeting. > > "Hey!" Isis shouted, "What about me? MMK : WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT ABOUT ISIS? I DID THE RIGHT THING, BISON! I DID THE R-- [GAVOK hits MMK over the head with a Singaporean Cane and mimes smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer at the same time] > Oh, great! Now I've got to walk half way across this joint to catch up with them, > while he gets the connivance to warp there in a matter of moments. Jerk!" SAMAS : Bison no BAKA! FALC: It's so out of character for Bison to be a jerk. DANA: It's more out of character for Bison to be this *whipped*. > She then thought of the one, small, yet significant detail she didn't tell him. GAVOK: He'd forgotten his pants. *Again*. > Bison had some ugly bags under his eyes, showing his sleeplessness. SAMAS : Oh, does the great lord of evil need to *exfoliate*? WAND : Shut up! It happens to everyone! > The others wouldn't say anything. By the time she got there, it would be over. She > could then point it out. MMK : And then, they'd completely ignore her, because they're terrorists and don't care! > When he demands to know why she didn't tell him, she can remind him that he didn't > bring her along...and she ain't his nanny! FALC: Fran Drescher, in a role you won't soon forget. DANA: No matter how hard you try. > A loud, sinister, and cold laugh echoed through Bison's room--a laugh that only > Bison could love. She shut the door,and made her way to the meeting, a sinister, > yet satisfied look in her eyes. It was a look that let any of the guys know that > she was trouble. FALC: Right here. In River City. DANA: Yeah, she's probably got Stone Hands and Grand Slam. FALC: That's not *quite* what I meant. But what the hell. > Don't worry about what Bison will do, worry about how I will destroy you! SAMAS: Now doesn't *that* sound familiar? > It had been a few weeks since Isis' capture, and since then, she'd spent alot of time > near Bison and his three lieutenants. In all appearances, it was clear that she would > be a part of some near-future plot. WAND: Either that, or an underground porno flick. DANA: *Wanderer*! WAND: What do you want from me? Shame? > She did not complain, however, for she was genuinely enjoying her stay at Shadowloo > headquarters; MMK: The towels are oh so fluffy! And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna. It's okay, they're clean. GAVOK: *Ding*! MMK 2, Gavok 1, Wanderer 1. > a new mission would only add to the fun! Deep inside, though, she worried about her > former employers: the Street Fighters. SAMAS : Were they wearing their warm sweaters? It was getting towards autumn, and they caught cold *so* easily... > Had they already figured that she was no longer on their side? Was there a search-and- > destroy party out to get her? DANA: Was Ken still claiming he was a natural blond? GAVOK: Did Chun Li still pretend she was a skill character? WAND: Doesn't Cammy *chafe* in that outfit? MMK: Dude! WAND: Look, it's a legitimate question. > The only thing she could rely on was the generous security Bison offered her. MMK: Huh. If someone happened to be a pervert, they could tell an interesting joke here... FALC: ...and then I'd flatten whoever told it with a steel chair. MMK <^_^ing>: ...I'm sure you would. > Bison. That was another deal. The last few weeks had seriously calmed the inner > fires of revolt that she had felt within her during the time of her capture. GAVOK : Whew, that Taco Bell was actin' up... > There was something about Bison that she liked, WAND: Dude. Even the *fictional* chicks dig jerks. This is so fuckin' lame... DANA: You know how it is. They give that same, "Hey come on, I can change! You'll see!" song-and-dance routine. SAMAS: If it'll work on Satan... > something that she could respond to and understand... MMK : Tee hee! My turn-ons include good cologne, uncontrollable megalomania, and shopping! > she then learned that it was unrelenting ambition. The general spoke to at her, at > length, about his plans and ambitions, and Isis found herself hanging on his every word. SAMAS: That sounds unhealthy. DANA: He didn't literally mean 'hanging'. SAMAS: Oh. > She wanted to be part of Shadowloo's quest for glory! Of course, Bison was enthralled > by Isis' enthusiasm. So enthralled, actually, that he developped a type of attachment > to her...a type of... FALC: ...bondage? > love. FALC : Close enough. > Needless to say that Bison had never admitted his feelings to Isis; the young lady, > he figured, already knew. > > After all, she called him 'luv'...didn't she? DANA: And mispelled it, didn't she? WAND: She's apparently Cockney. It's cool. > *** GAVOK: Hey, did you know Jesuits are trained to use their wafers like ninja throwing stars? > "General," Sagat said quietly as Bison appeared within the small meeting room; he wisely > held back the words 'you look like a mess'. > > Bison nodded perfunctorily to Sagat, as well as Balrog and Vega, then pulled out a chair > and took a seat. "The time to take action has come, gentlemen." WAND: Good Christ, it's "Ally McBison". All we need is Bison to kiss Vega and it's there. > He declared, stiffling a yawn, "For capturing Isis, Sagat, you will have your reward." GAVOK : A box of Oreo cookies. MMK : Are they Double Stuf? GAVOK : Nope, sorry. MMK : Aww... > Vega and Balrog grumbled and Sagat grinned, "I was hoping that this meeting was about > my reward, general." The tall man said contentedly. He then caught the look of insult > that Bison was giving him GAVOK: And Bison's out at third! Sagat wins the pennant! SAGAT WINS THE PENNANT! [ALL cheer.] > and corrected his earlier sentence, "That is...if I may be so bold as to say so... > general." He choked. Across from him, Balrog looked away to avoid laughing hysterically. WAND : Balrog! Stop reading that Bazooka Joe comic! DANA : But sir, it's so FUNNY! > Vega smiled at Sagat then looked over at Bison, "What kind of reward did you have in > mind, general?" He asked curiously, WAND: Y'know, there are some situations in which being a huge pervert -- such as myself -- is more of a hindrance than a help. DANA: You just imagined a Bison/Sagat yaoi scene, didn't you. WAND: You know it. [takes a pull off of a bottle of whiskey] > although, knowing Sagat's past, he already had a good idea as to what his commanding > officer had in mind. GAVOK : I want every last goddam Pop-Tart... in the WORLD! MMK : Whoops. Didn't see *that* coming. > In surprise, Bison's eyebrow shot up at Vega, GAVOK : How dare you, little jabroni... > "Oh come now, Vega." He teased in a dull voice, "Ryu, of course!" He finished when > Vega's expression had gone blank. DANA: Wow! Bison can see through his mask! > From the end of the table, Sagat threw his arms up in triumph, FALC: He'd just won the World Cup! SAMAS: Nice sports bra, Sagat! > "Yes!" He cheered mentally, then said, "I've been trying to achieve just that for > the past few years, general, what makes you think we can pull it off NOW?" out loud. DANA: For the record, story, Sagat wants a rematch with Ryu. He doesn't, like, want Ryu as his prisoner or anything. SAMAS, WAND: Not that there's anything *wrong* with that... > Bison's eyes darkened and a smile played on his lips, GAVOK : These are the best lips I've ever played on! > "Because now we have a weapon that sits right at home." He explained mysteriously. DANA : It's the Shadowloo Home Game! Destroy continents from the comfort of your living room! > The three other men at the table leaned close to hear out their boss' plan more > closely, "Isis' capture has proven more useful than I had earlier thought. GAVOK : She knows how to set our VCR clock! ALL: Yay! > The young lady's former employers are the Street Fighters; MMK : ...and if you think *our* dental plan's bad... > if she returns to them with an alibi as to why she has been gone for so long, > she can deliver Ryu to me without having to do too much sneaking around." DANA : And if she takes longer than thirty minutes, it's free. > He went on, getting a few smiles from his men, "It's so simple, that's what > makes it FALC: ...rock stupid... > perfect." He concluded and leaned back in his chair. > > Balrog frowned momentarily, "You will send Isis out...alone?" He asked dubiously. SAMAS: Funny. I bet Balrog doesn't even know what dubiously means. > "Of course, Balrog." Bison said emphatically, "Sending her back with a bunch of > soldiers --or even one of you three-- would be just a tad suspicious-looking, no? FALC : Not near as much as her getting out of your base alive and uninjured... > And besides, gentlemen, she did manage to get into my home base without being caught, > didn't she?" MMK: Dude, she *was* caught. That's how you met. > He stated. There was a hint of pride in his voice that only Sagat noticed. SAMAS : Bison likes Isis! Bison likes Isis! DANA : I do not! C'mon Sagat, stop it! > Sagat laughed; a sharp sound without any warmth, "Yes, general...but, if my memory > serves me right, GAVOK : ...Canada is in northern Europe, and... > we would not be having this meeting if Isis had not been caught in the end, hmmm?" MMK: Yeah, what he said. > He remarked cleverly and shot Bison a sidelong glance. DANA : Ow! My arm! > The room went silent. Bison stared long and hard at Sagat. SAMAS : Oooh... Sagat's gonna get in *trouble*... > Then, he smirked, "Do not question my orders, Sagat. GAVOK: Look, dude, just because you couldn't think of a comeback... > I hope you realize that I am doing this as a favor to you." He declared acidly. > > And he was not joking; he would not have decided to send Isis back alone if she had > not proved her worth earlier. WAND, MMK: ... WAND: You go first. MMK: No, you go first, I insist! SAMAS: Ah, yes. Dueling Hentais. WAND: Ask for them by name. > "Yes, general." Sagat mumbled and put on a velvet smile. Across from him, Balrog > looked away again. GAVOK : I'm not talking to you. You hurt my feelings. > "I'm here!" Isis gasped from the door. All four men turned to look at who had > interrupted their meeting. Not yet very familiar with the many corridors of the > headquarters, Isis had gotten lost SAMAS : Where the hell am I now?! > and had quickened her pace from walking to running. Unfortunately for her, WAND: ...she was now in Destiny's garden. Watch out for the Kindly Ones, Isis! > she had not made good enough time to attend the most part of the meeting. > > Bison smiled evilly and turned back to his lieutenants, "Meeting ajourned." He > said simply. The three men got up from their seats and walked towards the door; they > all gave Isis polite nods and smiles SAMAS : Hey. GAVOK : Yo. DANA : Hee heehehehehehehe! > as they walked by her to exit the room. > > When they had all gone, Isis watched Bison get up, "It's over...already?" She asked, > drawing near to him and putting on a hopeless expression. MMK : I didn't come yet. FALC: I will crush you, hentai. MMK: Whatever. > Bison chuckled dryly and layed a hand on her arm, "You should have run harder." He > almost whispered. WAND : Harder, faster, deeper, whatever! It's always the same thing with you! FALC: Grrr... > Isis' jaw set and she narrowed her eyes up at him, "Shut up, Bison." She hissed > warningly. DANA : You... have baggy EYES! HA! GAVOK : What? NOOOO!! > Bison laughed again, then lead Isis out of the room and into the halls, "Although you > weren't there, the meeting was about you." GAVOK : Sagat likes you, and he's gonna ask you out in study hall, but Vega bet Balrog five bucks he wouldn't, so... > He began as they strode on, "As a favor for Sagat on my behalf, I am going to send you > back to the Street Fighters to fetch Ryu." He said bluntly. MMK: Yeah, just dial up to ftp.capcom.com and look for the ryu.exe file... > Isis grasped Bison's arm and held him in place, "You're sending me back?" She asked > angrily, "Why?!" She demanded. WAND : I'm trading you in for Dino Crisis. > She thought she was going to stay in Shadowloo! > > With a look of utter fatigue, Bison groaned, "Because, with the perfect alibi, you're > the best candidate to get Ryu. SAMAS: Never mind Sagat. He has sorta been training obsessively to beat Ryu for the last however-many years... > All you have to do is go back to your old employers and tell them that you've been > detained by me, and that you then escaped; MMK : And if they buy *that*, they'll buy anything! > once you've done that, you find the right time and you bring Ryu back here -- alive, > mind you." He explained furthermore. > > "But how, luv? Do you have any special instructions for me to follow?" Isis asked > suspiciously. FALC : Well, honey, with this can of Ratliff gas... > She didn't need to ask why Sagat wanted Ryu; she knew. The whole world knew. > > Bison pulled Isis on through the halls even though she tried to keep him in place, "No. I > don't care how you do it; you could bash Ryu over the head with a lamp and drag him here > while he's unconscious GAVOK: ...and *now*, Chyna's playing Isis. MMK: Does that mean Bison's played by Jeff Jarrett? GAVOK: Probably. > for all I care. Just bring him back to me!" He commanded sharply. Isis said nothing > for a moment and Bison peered down at her, wondering if he had perhaps offended her. [WAND makes whip-crack sound] DANA : Kiss my boots, slave! > He swallowed and tried to patch things up as best he could, "You return here afterwards, > of course," He added gently, his voice losing its edge instantly, "I wouldn't want to keep > you away too long." He purred. MMK, WAND: ... FALC: Say it and I'll wrap your chairs around your necks! > Isis elbowed Bison sharply, "I know what you're trying to do, and it's not going to work. > However, I will do what you ask." She said lightly, "Just one question." She looked up at > Bison and frowned, SAMAS: Daddy, what's Vietnam? > "What if Ryu puts up a fight? I'll be killed in a matter of seconds." She asked > worriedly. FALC: Yes, everybody knows how much of a heartless murderer Ryu is. > Bison remained quiet for a moment and took a deep breath. He considered a few options > then chose the one that he fancied to be the best... DANA : I think I'll give you a *gun*. > and most pleasant, "Then before you go, I will teach you to fight." He replied in a > voice rich with evil intent. MMK : HAHA! I'm RICH! I have all the evil intent I could ever want! > He looked over at Isis to see her reaction to his proposal in genuine curiosity. GAVOK : Will she marry me? SAMAS: With this fic, that's not much of a stretch. > Isis' green eyes went wide and she eyed Bison up and down, "I've heard of your > prowess," She stuttered, "and, and...you're three times my size!" [FALC glares at MMK] MMK : What? WAND : Now, I usually *like* that about you, but... FALC: Grrr... MMK: Yeah! Growl at *him*! > She complained, already seeing mental images of her getting her ass whooped. GAVOK: I'm gonna lock the doors, and whoop everybody in here! 'Cause I'm the greatest! > How the hell would she counter his Psycho Powers? WAND: Okay, they mentioned Psycho Power... drink! [ALL drink.] > Was he insane?! DANA: ...with these prices? He'd *have* to be insane! > Once again, Bison laughed and grasped Isis' shoulders, then swung her around to face him, > "No matter, Isis." He chuckled, "You will not last long if you do not learn to fight soon; > it is a skill that will be most rewarding in your future. FALC: Asswhoopin' looks great on your resume. > And, seeing as time wears on towards the moment of your next mission, DANA: ...tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, creeping in this petty space from day to day... I will impose the task of teaching you upon myself." He stated with a smile. MMK : Your school uniform is on your nightstand. GAVOK : Two sequins and a cork? MMK : Heh heh heh. > For a slight second, he wondered if he'd not gotten himself into something impossible, > then figured Isis could do it without very much trouble. And besides, he wasn't going > to kill her! SAMAS: ...yet. > "How much time do I have to train? And when do I leave for the Ryu mission?" Isis asked, > unsure about the next few events but willing to go through them. WAND: Did Andy Sidaris direct this? > Bison thought for a moment, "You will train for the next week -- constantly. It's not > much, but it will be enough for you to learn the basics and to keep you out of trouble. FALC: Y'know, fighting usually only *causes* trouble. DANA: That's very wise, Falc-- FALC: I *like* trouble. DANA: Ah. I see. > As far as the mission goes...you will leave Shadowloo shortly after your training; > if you stay here for too long, your alibi will not hold up as well as it should. SAMAS: They're not gonna believe you anyway. What happens after *that*? WAND: Then you're betting on your stupidity shocking them into inaction. > Is this all good for you?" He answered logically. GAVOK: And illogically she answered: "I like eggs! Iguanas are neat! Balloons!" > "It's fine, luv." Isis snapped instantly, deep in thought. Bison strode away from her, > leaving er to her contemplations, "I will see you in the gymnasium at one this afternoon." > He called to her over his shoulder as he left; he stopped then, and added, "Oh...and try > not to get lost this time." He began to smile but stopped when Isis' loud remark lashed > him from across the corridor, MMK : OW! > "You know what? There are ugly bags under your eyes FALC: What, you mean Mom? > because you didn't get enough sleep!" Isis called to him. WAND: The tone of Isis' voice seems childish, as does her commentary. I give her insult a 3.4. SAMAS: The stating of the obvious is unecessary, although as a response to Bison's comment, it works rather well. 6.2. MMK: I thought it was funny. I give it a 8.1. :) GAVOK: An appropriate response to Bison's equally childish remark. 7.5. FALC: [grunts] I couldn't care less. DANA: That doesn't surprise me. 5.6. > Bison growled, "Why didn't you tell me?!" He yelled back to her, any hint of a smile gone now. > > It was Isis' turn to laugh now, "Next time we're going to the same place at the same time, > translocate me too!" WAND : But if I translocate you, I'll have to translocate everyone else! DANA : Well poo. > Shadowloo -- Chapter 2 GAVOK : We're gonna read on through Electric Shadowloo... > Interesting, thinks Bison to himself. SAMAS: He's so selfish! He can't think to others? > All of the greatest have had their share of followers, GAVOK: Except Ernest Miller who just whooped every one of them. Somebody better call his mama! > those that wish to learn from a master the power which they could use, if they chose, > allow them to dominate this world. Only I have that vision, and up until now, I > never thought of this. WAND : I should smoke pot more often. > One of the most infamous was Goutetsu, the man who taught his supreme skills to two > brothers, Shen Long--and Akuma. FALC: At least there's no Sheng Long. MMK: But it would be cool if there was a Shemp Long. FALC: [raises his arm to hit MMK but stops] Actually, it would. > Unfortunately, little else is known about him, other than the skills he has taught > the brothers. GAVOK: And with those skills he paid the bills. > Akuma didn't care to have any disciples, but Shen Long did; Ryu and Ken. He had been > rumored to be hiding in the shadows throughout the Street Fighter tournaments, but > nothing ever came of it. I wonder, if he sought retribution against Akuma, or me. DANA : Because I hit him with that snowball a few years ago. > The only other one that I am familiar with is Sagat, and his student, Adon. In the Maui > Thai arena, Adon was second only to Sagat. Ever since he lost to Ryu, Adon has been trying > to eliminate Sagat, so that he may be the undisputed Master of Maui Thai. GAVOK : If it's undisputed, what's all the fighting about? > With the level of power Adon has, he could do it. If Adon feels it, though, he will > lose, for Sagat is second only to myself! ALL: AND RYU!! > I wonder--is this wise to train Isis myself? Should I let Sagat, Vega, or Balrog train > her instead? SAMAS : Or should I have Count Chocula do it? Or Barney Rubble? Or Christopher Walken? > My advantage in Shadowloo comes from the fact that nobody can equal my powers! No one > has ever MMK, GAVOK: E-E-E-EEEVER!! > learned them! Could she, if she were to learn such power, challenge me for control of > Shadowloo? MMK : And would that be so bad? Let her pay the gas bill! Yeah! SAMAS: We'll find out next time! Same Bison time! Same Bison channel! > Perhaps I'm being paranoid, especially after that nightmare. Still, I had said I would, > and to back out in front of my elite...so be it. I will give her enough to take down most > of those that would prove a threat to her. However, it won't be near enough to challenge me. GAVOK: Dare! MMK: Double-Dare! GAVOK: Physical Challenge! >"So, what kept you, darling? Usually, it's the student who is running late!" DANA: But I'm the janitor! > Bison had vile smile on his face. That was one of the things he had started to really > like about her; she had the guts to get in his face! WAND: Most women were freaked out by the size of his dimple. SAMAS: It must be a big dimple if she could get into his face. WAND: He didn't mean... never mind. > She didn't have any special powers, and she didn't seem to be much of a fighter, so for > her to be so brash, was, for some reason, amusing to him. MMK: What with her being a lover, and not, say, a fighter, or anything. > "Right. Now, let us begin, Isis!" [ALL put pieces of paper into GAVOK's hat.] GAVOK : And the winner is... Dana! DANA : Kick, punch, it's all in the mind! > Before she knew what to do, he shot at her with a scissor-kick. MMK: Remember kids, running with scissors is bad, but shooting at people with scissor- kicks is OK. > The first hit caught her just above her heart, while the second kick came crashing down > on her head. He repeated it three more times. DANA: HOLD YOUR ARMS CROSSED ABOVE YOUR CHEST! HOLD YOUR ARMS CROSSED ABOVE YOUR CHEST! IS IT REALLY THAT HARD? HUH? I MEAN- [FALC licks his finger and holds it to DANA's forehead. It steams.] SAMAS: Dana... Calm down... think happy thoughts... > "Hey! What are you doing, trying to kill me?!" she demanded, as she cleared the blood > from her face. > > "You must watch, and learn. Be able to adapt to any situation. If something comes at you, > and you find yourself unprepared, you must be able to make snap-decisions. NOW!" MMK : When? *whap* Ow! > He grabbed her, and in a burst of power, threw her over his shoulder, and into > a nearby wall. Caught off guard, she acted on pure instinct. GAVOK: Soon, she would regret buying Killer Instinct Gold, but in the meantime, she was having a ball. > She turned, and bounced off the wall, and connected with both of the scissor > kicks to Bison's head, knocking him to the ground. > > Bison began to laugh maniacally. First, it was little more than a whisper, > but then it echoed throughout the training facility. > > "Um, Bison? What's up?" WAND: Bison must be a little too excited. > "Congratulations, lady. You have a unique, hidden talent in you. None, other than Vega > were able to recover from that attack so fast after our initial meeting. You are the first, > though, to actually land a counter-hit. DANA: I do *not* like where this is going. SAMAS: Well, she's not completely dominating him... there's still hope. > Very impressive. A few more times, and then, practice doing it without the aid of a wall." > > For the next hour, they trained. She never was able to get a second hit, but she came up > with several different ways to use the attack. MMK: As a cleaner, as a cordial, as a dishrag, as a popcorn maker, a potato peeler... >Some of the ways would prove difficult for Bison, as he had more build than Isis. > All day, Isis worked on perfecting the scissor kick, while Bison made the plans for her > mission. She was doing very well. Near the end of the training, they would go into Psycho > Power! ALL: *sip* > *** > > "Isis! It's time to awaken!" spoke Bison sharply. SAMAS : The drug works! The drug works! > "What!" she said, half groggy, "There's hardly any sun out! I'm still dead from > yesterday." FALC: I'm not dead yet. I'm getting better! MMK: ...not quite, Pigeoner. FALC : Well, I thought it fit... and stop calling me Pigeoner. MMK <^_^ing>: No. Bad Pigeoner. Bad. > "...I understand," Bison said gently, WAND: Bison, the Sensitive Dictator! Now on every Thursday at 8! > "but today is the day. You have been doing well for the last few days. I am very > satisfied with the work you have done. Today, is the day, where we begin your > true training. Today, you learn to experience Psycho Power!" [ALL sip.] DANA : I got two third row tickets to see Psycho Power in concert! > Isis sat up in bed, and studied him thoughtfully. Yes, he wasn't toying with her. She > was going to learn it! Then, the fun would begin. SAMAS: It starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes and aeroplanes, Lenny Bruce is not afraid... >"Psycho Power [ALL sip.] GAVOK, MMK: ...is EXTREEEEEME! > isn't something that anybody can use. It comes only from a special soul. You must > feel a burning hatred within, WAND : It was *cold*. ALL: How cold was it? WAND : It was so cold, I got Psycho Power just for the burning sensation. > and must focus on that, and that alone. Feel the fire, and with your very being, > fuel that fire. GAVOK: Hey, MMK? Did we start the fire? MMK: No... but I hear the world is turning and the world is burning, though. *shrugs* > Nothing except for that must enter your mind. Concentrate only on that, and see the > fire in your mind. WAND: Then slowly take the lingam in your hands, and focus on your yoni... > Then, see that it is located somewhere inside of yourself. Focus on that, and slowly > focus it toward your fists. DANA: Isis! What do you see beyond your fist? GAVOK: Lunch! DANA: ... > Along the way, gather up the fire that is in the rest of your body, as it moves > toward your fists, until you feel the fire in your fists. Once you have obtained > this..." SAMAS : Is this going to be on the test? Because I wasn't paying attention. > Bison stopped dead, his mouth hanging open in total disbelief. Although she was > having to strain with every fiber in her being, her fists had a pale glow > to them, vaguely similar to his, right before he executed a Psycho Crusher! [DANA makes an ax-chopping motion.] > "AAAAAHHHH!" she screamed, ALL: COLESLAW! > as the fire became too much, and was released with explosive results. GAVOK : TOASTY! > "Isis?!" Bison came to her, and for the first time anybody could tell, he was > concerned for the well-being of another. > > "Boss! What happened here? Woah! The babe, GAVOK : What babe? MMK : The babe with the power. GAVOK: What power? MMK: The power of voodoo. GAVOK: Who do? MMK: You do. GAVOK: What? MMK: Remind me of the babe! [Insincere laughter.] > er, Isis looks...what happened?" asked Balrog, not sure if he wanted an > answer. > > "Balrog! Bring in my personal doctor." FALC : Dr. Seuss is *not* a real doctor! >"But Bison..." >"NOW!" DANA: Whoa! OK! > "Y, yes sir!" Balrog saluted, staggered, forgetting he had his loaded gloves, GAVOK: Wa wa wa wa waaaahh... > and left. > > Bison got down on a knee, and looked closely at her. She looked like she > had been in the sun too long, and was out. However, he could see that she was > lightly breathing. He brought his hand to her face, and felt the raw power > surging within her, a power that he had never felt before. MMK: So, despite all prior indications, Bison is a virgin. WAND: In those pants? Damn betcha! > He roared with laughter, and knew that he had it all! Now, Bison could be > added to the names of great Masters of the world...with a student unlike > anything the rest had. GAVOK: Because she could say the alphabet backwards in less than a minute. > She would, as he knew it, be ready to keep on trying until she was set. > Then, she would be ready for her mission. It was indeed a joyous time for Bison. SAMAS: Christmas time! Yay! MMK: You ever had a Christmas, Pidge? FALCONER: Yes. I put the fake Santa into a Boston Crab 'til he gave me a pony. And don't call me Pidge. > *** SAMAS : You want stars? I'll give you stars. > When Isis came to, some half-hour later, she opened her eyes and looked directly > into the grinning face of Balrog. WAND: Yeah, I hate it when I wake up with... [WAND notices everyone staring at him.] WAND: ...I'm *not* finishing this. MMK: You sure? > As most would, she whipped her head the other way, DANA: Whip it good! [ALL make whipping noises.] > startled to see Balrog so close. > > "She's awake, general!" Balrog hollered over his shoulder and turned back to > Isis with the same goofy grin on his face. FALC: I guess he hears Big Poppa Pump. > As Isis sat up, Balrog was roughly pushed out of the way from behind, GAVOK: EEEEEwwww... > "Isis!" Bison cried contentedly as he took the boxer's place at the lady's > side, "I am very impressed with you." He purred. WAND : None of my other girlfriends would let me do that to them... MMK : They were fools, sugarplum. FALC: Grrr... WAND: Generic alt.sex.stories post #435, ladies and gentlemen. > "All I remember is doing what you told me to in order to summon my Psycho Power, [ALL sip.] > and then when I was sure I had it, it was too much..." Isis stuttered, getting > to her feet unsteadily. She looked down at her hands and flexed her fingers; > she had been so close... DANA: But she just couldn't get the square peg into the round hole. > Behind Bison and Isis, Balrog listened curiously to the conversation. He had > recently learned through Sagat that Bison would be teaching the young girl how to > fight. At first, he figured Isis would die; then, he came to realize that Bison > had invested much more into her than was apparent. SAMAS: What you see here are young Balrog's first steps into Wall Street. > Now, however, there was something particularly special going on...some sort of > new development in Isis' short training that was interminably important to general > Bison. MMK: She was learning to relax her sphincter, and -- [MMK does a backward somersault over his chair, dodging the nail bat that FALC swings at his head.] > All this talk about Psycho Powers... [ALL sip.] > could Isis have tapped into them too? > > Bison laughed shortly, "No matter, my dear." He said lightly, "It was only your > first try, and a good one at that! You will grow stronger in time, have no worries > concerning that fact." He smirked slyly and took a good long look into Isis' wide > green eyes. Indeed, there was something burning in those dark orbs that had not > been there before he had tried to teach her Psycho Power. FALC : How can we dance when the Earth is turning? SAMAS : How can we teach when the eyes are burning? [ALL sip.] > He chuckled throatily and grasped the lady's shoulders, "Yes..." He spoke in a > low tone, "...the fires of rage burn in you as they do in me! DANA: I'd have some burning rage too if I had to eat Thai all the time... > I will intensify your training, and you will be the finest pupil any Master could > ever have!" > > He declared triumphantly, unconsciously crushing Isis' shoulders in his elated grip. WAND : That is, after your bones knit. > Balrog rolled his eyes. He didn't care how good Isis got for he figured he could > kick her ass in two seconds flat; but if she developped Psycho abilities... GAVOK: Then she could get an appearance on Letterman. MMK: Tonight's topic: Would-be World Dictators in Too-Tight Pants and the Women who Rule Them. > Bison's rather forcefully confident and ambitious declaration made Isis burn > with pride and deviant intent. WAND: Kind of like a road flare. I get it. > She squirmed out of the general's grasp and smiled up at him, "I will not disappoint > you, luv." She vowed with a wink, "Perhaps, even, I may become as powerful as you!" > She added and gave Bison a sidelong glance. FALC: If that's foreshadowing, I'm quite annoyed. > The sound of those last few words didn't sit right in Bison's head. He was not a > fan of competition...or anything that might threaten his reign as the greatest street > fighter of all. DANA: No, that's Ryu, actually. > But when he contemplated, for a second too long, the hopeful look that Isis gave him > through her thick eye lashes, he couldn't help but give her what she wanted. SAMAS: Because he was P-*whipped*! > He cursed the fact that his heart was no longer as rock-hard as it > had been before meeting Isis. WAND: However, something else had gotten rock-hard to take its place. [FALC growls at WAND] WAND: Whatever. > "We will see." Bison responded coldly, giving Isis a hard look; those three words > were quickly becoming taboo between Isis and he. SAMAS: What three words? GAVOK: "I love you"? MMK: "Get the lube"? DANA: "Monday Night Football"? FALC: No, "We will see". It's right there, damnit. WAND: Still spoiling sports, Falc? FALC: Every day, man. Every day. > Isis chuckled lightly, for she knew exactly what Bison was thinking; she felt the > same way he did about challenges. The thought of overthrowing Bison and taking > Shadowloo crossed her mind for a split-second, then she tossed it aside. She > barely knew how to throw a good punch! DANA: Consequently, the Shadowloo parties were hardly the highlight of the Street Fighter's social calendar. > And, honestly, she carried no malice towards Bison; if anything, she owed him for > keeping her safe. Besides, she had a mission to execute: she had to get Ryu for Sagat! SAMAS: And tell him he has a phone call. > "Come, Isis." Bison said to her after a bit, "We have much work to do." He > ushered her out of the room hastily, slamming the door behind him. > > Back inside, Balrog stood still, staring at the door. Isis has Psycho Powers! [ALL sip.] > He blinked dazedly and bolted for the door, "Wait until Sagat and Vega hear about > this!" He said under his breath and exited the room in a flash. MMK : Balrog! Put your pants back on! > *** GAVOK: Huh. Angela Wallace's forehead. > The second day of Isis' training was disastrous. Bison spent many hours trying > to teach Isis the summoning and control of her Psycho Powers, [ALL sip.] > but it was all in vain. The immense power Bison had felt in her was, apparently, > too much for her to handle...at that particular time. With uncommon optimism and > perspicacity, SAMAS: So. Anyone have any idea what the hell *that* word means? [ALL shrug.] SAMAS: Great. > Bison continued to drill his teachings into Isis' head, ALL: *whirrrr* GAVOK: Trepanning! It's what's hot! > for he was certain that she was a rare find. WAND: Yeah, but her spine's bent. That'll hurt her resale value. SAMAS: Hey, man, Isis is for reading, not for collecting. > Giving up on her seemed to him an impossibility, and teaching her the art of battle > without developping her Psycho strength seemed none other than a waste of time. DANA: Yeah! Why are you wasting time? There's a *world to conquer*, remember? > The teachings spanned into the evening, and both student and teacher were tired. > However, it was then that Isis showed the first signs of advancement. WAND: She finally got her Force of Nature out. > "My head is pounding." Isis declared pointedly, beginning to crave a warm shower > and the comfort of a soft bed. MMK: Ooo-err. That's just too easy. WAND: It's a trap. Get an axe. > She had been summoning and channelling her hatred, as Bison had taught her, into > her Psycho energy for many hours; it was running late and she began to feel > somewhat at a loss. > > Bison, however, was as determined as ever to see some results, "Ignore it." He > snapped. Isis frowned at him and plopped down to the gymnasium floor. MMK, GAVOK: EWWWWW!! FALC: ...OK, even *I* see the hidden message behind that. > With a heavy sigh, Bison crouched down and gave her a rather nasty glare, "I am > also tired, Isis, but this is VERY important to me. Please try it one more time and > if it doesn't work...then you are free to go to rest." He said decidedly. SAMAS: Does Isis steal his spinal fluid every night while he sleeps or something? > Isis glared over at him for a while, then she closed her eyes and reached deep > inside of her to grab hold of the rage that would grant her her Psycho Powers. The > rage was there, and she could feel it. FALC: But, in spite of it, she's still just a rat in a cage. > She focused it towards her hands, which she held in tightly-closed fists before her, > and willed the fires of hatred to burn for her...brightly. DANA: Just do what I do. Think of "Home Improvement". SAMAS : Jonathan Taylor Thomas. [DANA twitches.] > Unfortunately, nothing happened. She clenched her teeth and yelled at herself deep > within her, challenging her powers to flare up. Sweat trickled down her forehead as > she realized that she was quite probably disappointing Bison; that particular thought > made a wave of boiling fury well up inside of her... WAND: I do *not* want to know where *that's* coming out. > Isis screamed. MMK: Be careful with that axe, Eugene. GAVOK: Um... [FALC raises his fist.] MMK: Technically... that's a Pink Floyd reference. Sorry, Pigeoner. FALC: Dammit. And don't call me Pigeoner. > Her eyes snapped open and she looked down at her hands; they were no longer > clenched into fists. They were open, with her fingers slightly bent inwards > like claws. Within her hands burned two self-contained, blue-colored flames; SAMAS: Hey, Iori Yagami called. He wants his fire back. > Isis almost collapsed with elation. > > Bison was ecstatic. WAND: He'd never seen a rope used quite like *that* before... > He watched in awe at first, then his lips curled up into an evil smile and he > began to laugh sinisterly. The lady had done it! "Why now, Isis?" He asked after > a while, "Why do you succeed now?" SAMAS : Because I want to, because I want to... FALC: I *will* break you, SAMAS. > Isis raised her hands and examined the flames of her rage with a sick love in > her eyes, "I looked in the right spot." She explained simply. DANA : Behind the couch. > Bison was of course curious about the 'spot' Isis spoke of, WAND: It's called the "clitoris", jackhammer lad. FALC: AAAARRRGGGHHH!! [FALC chases WAND around the theater with a hockey stick.] WAND : That was so *very* worth it! > but he was honestly too tired to engage himself in a cloudy conversation. MMK : Hey Chef. GAVOK : Hello Bison. How's it going? MMK : Bad. GAVOK : Why bad? MMK : My new girlfriend said something about finding a spot in her. What does she mean? GAVOK : Ohhhh boy. > He got to his feet, yawned, and peered down at Isis, "It is time for me to > retire. Will you be joining me?" He asked her. MMK : But I just got started! > Isis stared into the flames and didn't bother looking up, "No." She replied dully, > her mind on other things, "Good night, luv." She added as Bison swept by her and > exited the gym. > > *** SAMAS, GAVOK : Do you wanna be rich? Do you wanna be a superstar? Well, honey, you already are... you already are... [FALC sits back down.] > Some time later, Bison felt Isis slip into bed beside him. He felt her curl into a > little ball. DANA: Huh. Isis the Hedgehog. [Quietly, WAND sits back down.] > He then heard her laugh that cold, empty laugh of hers. Without thinking twice, > he drew her near; he knew what was going on in her mind for he had once felt > the exact same way. GAVOK: She was watching reruns of "Perfect Strangers". > *** GAVOK : Remember, X-Pac, keep watching the stars. MMK : What? GAVOK : You heard me. Remember the old line, kid. Reach for the stars. MMK : Reach for the stars? Wha...? [MMK looks up and a large chunk of ceiling falls on him] > During the remainder of the week, Isis' abilities grew at an amazing rate. DANA : My god! Gigantism! > She picked up everything Bison taught her SAMAS: But it was heavy, so she had to put it back down again. > with enough ease to pull off moves of the same type on her own during practice- > combats. However, she soon realized that Bison was unattainable; WAND: Oh, so he *is* gay. GAVOK: You had doubts? Look at his outfit! > she could not win against him with martial arts alone. This forced Bison to MMK, GAVOK, FALC: --LAY THE SMACK DOWN ON HER CANDY ASS! WAND: You wrestling people unnerve me. MMK: Really? WAND: Yeah, it's dis-- FALC: IT DOESN'T *MATTER* THAT YOU'RE UNNERVED BY US! MMK: Goddamnit. [FALC smirks, WAND sighs] > teach Isis how to use her Psycho abilities offensively during a battle. Despite > complaints and injuries, Isis learned the hard way that alot of concentration was FALC: ...absolutely useless. > needed to focus on the summoning of strength and the completion of the fight > at ONCE. DANA : Whew, walking and chewing gum at the same time has nothing on this! > It was during Isis' last lesson, a tournament-style fight between her and Bison, GAVOK : So they're fighting each other on their way to get to fight each other? > that she finally put everything together. SAMAS : Wait a second! Saotome Ranma... the pig-tailed girl... THEY'RE THE SAME PERSON! > To begin with, the fight had been one-sided: Bison had the advantage for he was always > on the offensive. DANA: That'd do it. Yup. > Then, things swept back and forth, until Bison gained the advantage once again. > Only this time, it was worth more. WAND: This time the winner would win Ben Stein's money! > Isis was tired and felt the pull of abandon. MMK : Psst. GAVOK : Huh? MMK : C'mere. (MMK pulls on Gavok's sleeve, Gavok goes over to the MMK.) GAVOK : What? MMK : Would you like to buy a monkey? (MMK pulls a sock monkey out of his sleeve and holds it out to Gavok) GAVOK : No. MMK : You sure? > Anything she shot at Bison, she'd get in return tenfold; it seemed to her that the > general wasn't even feeling anything she was dealing. WAND: That was when she realized she wasn't selling strong enough stuff. > When she tried to defend against his attacks, he would smile patronizingly and come [MMK, WAND open their mouths.] > at her more forcefully. [MMK, WAND close their mouths.] MMK, WAND : Never mind. [A pause.] MMK, WAND : Argh. > Had everything Bison taught her been a waste of time? FALC: Does the Pope crap in the woods? > If this was the way she reacted to a real battle, things wouldn't look good for her > in the future. SAMAS: Things don't look good for her *now*. > With a grunt, Bison flipped Isis over his shoulder and sent her slamming against > the gymnasium wall. MMK: You know, if the names were changed around a little bit, this would be the best depiction of Goro Daimon ever. (ALL stare blankly at MMK.) MMK: I'm just saying, is all. [He ^_^s.] > Isis moaned and slid down the wall's length; MMK: You know, if you replaced "the wall" with "Bison", this would be a lemon story. [FALC swings a cookie sheet at MMK, but stops before it hits him.] FALC: Actually, it *would*. That's bizarre... and disturbing. [finishes the swing, which MMK ducks, resulting in FALC braining DANA] DANA: Ow! I'm just an innocent bystander, dammit! FALC: No one is innocent! > she wiped blood from her face and cradled her bruised side. Bison laughed and > pointed a finger down at Isis, "Get up, girl! You would die in a real situation!" > He cried, breathing heavily, GAVOK : Whoa! Stop crying, dude! Don't take this so seriously! > "Get up and FIGHT!" He repeated and took a step back from the slumped Isis. MMK : Isis! You've never fought for anything in your life before, but dammit, fight NOW! I'm NOT gonna lose you! > Isis spat out blood GAVOK : Ptoo! SAMAS: Aw, hell. She tasted her own blood. Now she's gonna kick ass. > and looked up past Bison's heaving chest to his intense visage. MMK : Mine are bigger. WAND : Yes. But mine are pointier! > The thought crossed her mind that she could quite possibly die, but she knew better. GAVOK : Oh yeah! EVERYONE's going to quite possibly die someday! I forgot. > She couldn't get up, and she knew she shouldn't, but she just HAD to! DANA: She's THAT DUMB! FALC: No, then she'd be violating Mary Sue Rule #37: "Never quit in a battle against someone who should logically thrash you in 2 seconds, because you will mudhole stomp them by the end." DANA: Ah. > She clenched her teeth and slowly pulled herself to her feet, eyeing Bison all the > while. She screamed, to get an adrenaline rush, WAND: Okay, I'm very sorry, but that is *not* how the human body functions. > and rushed Bison with a series of kicks and punches. MMK: Hey, that's the Ryuuko Ranbu! SAMAS: Isis: The Little Fighter That Could. > The general laughed again and quite litterally swatted Isis away with his > forearm, MMK: It *is* the Ryuuko Ranbu! > "Use your powers, Isis!" He told her warningly, "Or I will!" DANA : You'll use my powers? FALC : Yes, I'll u... oh, shut UP. > He hit Isis with a single Psycho Shot, causing her to reel back in pain, and then > came at her. ALL: EEEeewww. [While "ewwing", ALL sip.] > Isis, terrified senseless and gravely wounded, stepped back. What was wrong with > Bison?! SAMAS: You know, *besides* being an insane megalomaniacal dictator with delusions of grandeur. > Why was he hurting her so? Was he mad? FALC: Yeah. He's pissed. Nice going. > Her knees trembled suddenly as she watched Bison approach; if he tackled her, she > would go down...and fast. [WAND and MMK snicker.] > She would also lose consciousness. MMK: Note the differences in priorities. Important, that. > But worse of all...she would lose. DANA: No! Not her lunch money! > What happened next took place in a fraction of a second. MMK: Dr. Dre and Ice Cube's "Natural Born Killaz" fired up in the background and, before either of the fighters figured out what was happening, New Jack stormed into the gymnasium pushing along a wheelbarrow full of weapons in front of him. New Jack than knocked Bison out by smashing a trash can lid over his head and shot Isis in the forehead with a staplegun, the staple from which travelled into her brain and killed her instantly. [ALL, bewildered, stare blankly at MMK.] MMK: What? Could happen. FALC: You and `Vocky just want this over with so you can start playing with the PSX again. MMK: Possibly. [MMK ^_^'s.] > Isis let her rage take hold of her and felt the burning of its wrath eat away at her > consciousness. She waited until she couldn't contain the feeling any longer, and at > that point, DANA: She realized she had *forgotten where the bathroom was*. > two words tore into her mind that took over everything else: GAVOK: S*CK IT? MMK: ...hey yo? FALC: YOU'RE NEXT? > "AKAYU RAYA!" MMK, FALC, GAVOK: Close enough. > She screamed at the top of her lungs and snapped her hands out before her, palms > facing out. MMK, GAVOK : BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNG! > The surge of power exploded from her soul DANA: Surge of Power. Life's a sport. Drink it up. > and escaped her open hands in a blast of metallic blue energy that shot forward with > the momentum of a freight train. FALC : Momentum of a freight train, never going back... wrong way on a one-way track... > The charging Bison was blasted back against the opposite wall as Isis' Psycho energy > hit him full-force. He dropped to the ground and lay there. MMK: Remember, kids: If you see a charging Bison in your headlights, either avoid it completely, or try to hit it head on. [FALC reaches over and pokes DANA] FALC: Rule #37. What'd I tell ya? DANA: Yeah yeah. Showoff. > Isis' eyes widened and she stared at her hands. She had finally used her Psycho > Powers! DANA : Hooked on Ler Drit worked for me! [ALL sip.] > Her mind raced when she heard a soft groan from across the room. GAVOK : Okay! I'm ready! MMK : ReadysetGO! [MMK and GAVOK race around the room] > She looked up from her hands and saw Bison on the floor. WAND: You know, that could be interpreted *so* many ways... FALC: ARGH! [FALC chases WAND around the theater, but crashes right into MMK and GAVOK running the other way and all four collapse in a heap in front of SAMAS and DANA.] DANA: You guys okay? WAND: No. GAVOK: I don't feel good. MMK: I'm fine. But my spine isn't. Ow. [FALC grunts.] > "Bison!" She cried and hurried over to the other side of the room, forgetting the > intensity of her own wounds. She dropped down beside him and layed her hands on his > arm and shoulder, SAMAS: She did *what* with her hands? GAVOK: ...you know, that sounded *extremely* dirty. SAMAS: What? FALC: GRAAGH! SAMAS: But I didn't m-- [FALC clobbers SAMAS right between the eyes with a metal trash can] SAMAS: Uh. [falls over] MMK: Hee hee! That was cool. > "Are you alright, luv?" She asked concernedly, a wild look in her eyes. > > Bison rolled onto his back and groaned, "Nice shot." He complimented, sounding like > a defenseless little cat. WAND : Hey! You don't sound like a defenseless little cat at all! GAVOK : Oops. Uhm, meow, I mean. Meow. Meow? WAND : Well... okay. > Isis smiled down at him, "Are you sorry for all the pain you've inflicted on me > during the past week?" She asked slyly. GAVOK : I'm not Slyly, I'm Bison, remember? FALC : Oh, yeah. Well, are you sorry? GAVOK : No. FALC : I'll break your damn neck! GAVOK : Okay! Okay! I am! > "Sort of..." Bison whispered, smirking lightly. He sat up and Isis helped him > to his feet, "You did very well, Isis." SAMAS : ...for a *girl*. > Bison said as he brushed himself off, "I must admit I didn't quite know if you'd > use your powers...so I put you in a situation where you would have no choice to. > You reacted perfectly, I am very pleased." He watched as Isis' lips turned up > in a smile FALC: While the rest of Isis stood there doing nothing. > and wiped a drop of blood from her mouth. > > "Thank you, luv." Isis choked. DANA: How ironic. She survives a match with Bison only to be killed by a piece of steak. > Bison bent close to her and smiled playfully, "Don't thank me now, Isis..." He > purred, "...you haven't been rewarded yet." FALC: Don't even say it. MMK: ...but I wasn't going to... FALC: Not you, him. [points at WAND, who was ready to speak] > Shadowloo - Chapter 3 > > The sound of someone dropping something incredibly heavy roused Isis from her sleep. MMK : Dammit, Bison, light a match! > She sat up in a flash and her hands went to her sides in futile search of a gun; WAND: She's got a brand new semi-automatic weapon with a laser sight. Oh, she's prayin' somebody tries to break in here tonight. GAVOK: *Ding*! Wanderer 2, MMK 2, Gavok 1. WAND: Heh heh. > of course, she didn't have a gun on her...in fact, she didn't have anything. > > "Forget it, Isis; some jerk just dropped something, that's all." > > Isis blinked idly and looked over at Bison, "Shut up." She snapped defensively; DANA: Now *this* is romantic chemistry. FALC: Either that, or the last season of "Mad About You". DANA: Paul Reiser as Bison? I could see that. > in response, Bison pulled her back down to her pillow and then attemped to > get more sleep for himself. SAMAS: He was hoarding it against the coming winter. GAVOK : Mine! Gimme gimme! > With a sigh, Isis closed her eyes and let her mind wander. DANA : Right, screw you, I'm outta here. > The previous week had been, for her at least, a complete success; MMK: She could now do the cucumber trick *upside down*. > her training had went smoothly and she now felt much more comfortable getting > on with her mission. Although impatient as he had been, Bison had been a fine > instructor; he had made sure that everything he taught her was grasped perfectly. [MMK, WAND open their mouths to speak] FALC: No. MMK: Aww. > Isis figured she'd end up being thankful for it later on. > > She opened her eyes as she thought of the week's TRUE achievement: SAMAS: She'd gotten the #1 high score at Whack-A-Mole! > she'd discovered a strength within her that she could use outwardly. FALC : She had... finally... learned... TO READ! SAMAS : Reading is a magical world of wonder and delight... > She had powers! Isis smiled proudly. Simple as they may be, her powers would come > in very handy during future battles. DANA: Or when she goes to parties. WAND: Or the knife-throwing booth at RenFests. > She then thought of what had triggered the discovery of her abilities...fear. She had > been so frightened when Bison had charged her during one of their last practice-battles; GAVOK : You said this was free, you bastard! FALC : I'm not cheap, honey. Cough up the bread. > her powers had welled up within her during the whole excerise only to be finally > unleashed when she needed them most. SAMAS: To capture Onix. > With a grin on her lips, she turned her head to look at Bison. MMK : You've got a grin on your lips. GAVOK : Oh. Did I get it? MMK : To the left. GAVOK : Now? MMK : Got it. > He had been so surprised when she had used her powers to throw him back DANA: She didn't have a choice. Bison's below the weight limit on dictators. > across the room! > > "I can't sleep when you stare at me like that." Bison declared flatly. > > Isis smiled wider and laid her hand on his arm, "Maybe you shouldn't be sleeping, > luv." She said through heavy-lidded eyes. WAND: Aigh! Isis is the Corinthian! > Bison's eyes widened suddenly and he began to smile. DANA : Let me just get my Mr. Plow jacket. > Isis sat up then, "You should be up and around, getting me ready for my mission." She > said sharply, crushing Bison's hopes for a repetition of the night before. MMK : Damn. No Scrabble. > Once his frustration had passed, Bison laughed, "What if I told you I that I'm not > as sure as I was before about you leaving?" He asked slyly, running his finger along > the length of Isis' thigh. GAVOK: Bum-ba-bump-ba-bump-bump... WAND: Wakka-chicka-wakka-chicka... MMK: Ba-da-ba-da-ba-daah... ALL: MASTER NINJA THEME SONG! > He was only teasing, but he was too curious about the reaction he would get from > Isis to let the occasion pass. > > As was expected, Isis flipped out within seconds. DANA: She tech-hit out of heavy petting? Wow. > "What?!" She cried, gawking, GAVOK : You can SAVE WITHOUT SWITCHING PHONE COMPANIES? > "You spent a whole week training me and now you won't even let me go back to > get Ryu?! Did you have some sort of weird dream?". SAMAS: Because we all know defeating a guy like Ryu takes only a full week's training. > "Isis, it was a joke." Bison remarked after watching the young lady > hyperventilate, "Of course you're leaving today! WAND : Drive in, drive out, she's leaving... GAVOK : ...on a southern train, only yesterday, you lied... MMK : ...in the bed I make! > And if your alibi stands up, you'll be back here in Shadowloo by the end of > the week...if not less. SAMAS : What is this alibi? DANA : It's an amusing anecdote about a drug deal. MMK : We had people take turns reading it, two words each, after which they would be in the hospital for three weeks. > If Ryu or any of the others should give you any trouble, you should be well > capable of taking care of yourself." He said calmly. DANA: No, she shouldn't. It'd be like a white belt against Bruce Lee. > What he didn't bother to add was the fact that, if ANYONE gave Isis any trouble, > he would personally kick their ass. > > Isis laughed her hollow, ugly laugh SAMAS: She sounds a lot like the Crypt Keeper, doesn't she? [ALL make various sounds of agreement.] WAND : Isis will get *axed* some uncomfortable questions... on the next "Tales From The Crypt"! > and rested her head on Bison's chest, "We will see, won't we?" She whispered. > > *** GAVOK: I guess we'll never know Bison's answer. MMK : And now, time for the Molson Canadian Three Stars of the Night! [ALL stare blankly at him] MMK: Oh, come on! Hockey Night in Canada reference! Don't any of you watch Hockey Night in Canada? [ALL continue to stare blankly at him.] SAMAS: You're the only Canadian in here. MMK: Fine, than. Uncultured swine. GAVOK: No, we're not. We're just Americans! WAND: I think you just proved his point. [MMK hums the Hockey Night in Canada theme to himself while everyone goes back to watching the screen] > "I don't understand why she'd do that." Ryu mumbled sourly, "It's not like we > weren't paying her enough, right?" He wondered aloud. WAND: Wake the kids and call the neighbors... we've got OOC! > He looked up and gazed at everyone around the room in turn; they were all confused, > but to different levels. GAVOK: Ryu was at Level 3 but Guile just did a super so he was at Level 2. Chun Li was still working on getting her first Level. > With a grim expression, Guile waved a piece of paper in his hand, MMK : Boardwalk. You owe me fifty bucks, Chun. > "Our agent has never been wrong about this type of thing; he was there when it > happened!" He cried FALC : Awww... is Daddy's little girl crying? DANA : Damn it, Guile, go over and get me a beer! Yeah! > then looked over at Ryu, "What's more important than money to a hired aid?" He > asked him. When Ryu shrugged annoyedly, Guile answered, "Life!" He screamed, "Life! WAND : Guile, for the last time, we aren't Final Fantasy characters. MMK : Screw you! LIFE! LIFE! LIFE! > And that's exactly what Isis traded sides for." SAMAS : She chose life. Chose a job. Chose a career. chose a family, chose a fucking big television... > He pointed out, waving the piece of paper that held the 'agent's' testimony with > more force. This 'agent' had been one of the soldiers that had taken part in > Isis' apprehension a week before; he had quickly delivered the paper to the > Street Fighters as soon as he could. GAVOK : EXTRY, EXTRY, read all about it! Isis apprehended by Bison! > On it was written all the details of Isis' encounter with Bison at Shadowloo. WAND : I'd like to introduce you to our agent: Ken Starr. > Curled up on the couch beside Ryu sat Chun-Li. She had always known that Isis > was bad news, but she hadn't told anyone execpt Ryu in fear that her fellow > Street Fighters would think less of her. Now though, she felt like a > queen, "I told you so." DANA: Oh, mah Gawd, it's yet more OOC! Hide the cough syrup! > She whispered to Ryu who rolled his eyes and let his head fall into his hands. GAVOK : Anyone got any glue? > "What else is on that page, Guile?" Cammy asked curiously from across the room. MMK : Recipes for Bison's Never Fail Fudge. > Guile shook his head slowly, "Not much else, except..." He hastily read through > the letter's final paragraph, "...except that Isis caught Bison's eye." GAVOK : Anyone got any glue? > He paused and made a face. > > "That's different." Cammy remarked. DANA : Now it's my turn with the clay! > "It's beyond different, it's... FALC: Beyond good. Beyond evil. Beyond your wildest imagination. > not good." Ryu said between his hands. FALC: Great vocabulary there, Ryu. WAND: Cut him some slack. He's already had more dialogue in this chapter than he usually gets in entire 'fics. > Guile shook his head, "No Ryu, it's evil." SAMAS : You dumbass. > He declared conclusively, "But that's besides the point. Now what does everyone > suggest we do about Isis' departure from our humble employment?" MMK: Well, first, we take away your friggin' vocabulary tapes, lugan. > He asked his friends. > > Chun-Li smirked, "We can hope we never see Isis again." She opted brightly; the > last thing she wanted to do was track down the systems infiltration and sabotage > woman...especially now that she had made a new 'home' in Shadowloo! DANA: Isn't this the same woman who trained obsessively from the age of eight to track down and kill the man who killed her father? More to the point, isn't she talking *about* someone that doesn't have any fighting skills to speak of? SAMAS: Don't think about this any more than you have to, man. > Ryu looked over at Chun-Li and frowned, "No Isis equals no return of the stolen 2.5 > million." He pointed out apocalyptically. GAVOK : He accompanied himself on cello? DANA : Ryu concerned about money? > Chun-Li lowered her eyes and pulled her knees to her chest. Ryu exhaled loudly. WAND : Two words, Ryu: "breath mint". > "Shit, that's right." Cammy gushed, GAVOK : Eew, she's gushing! MMK: ...and featuring Lisa the Nurse as Cammy! > "I suppose we could think up another plan to retrieve the cash... or we can just > let Bison have the money this one time." She tried. FALC: It's two and a half million dollars. Bison probably lost it in his couch. > Yes, it sounded just as stupid to them as it probably did to you. MMK: Eh, screw it. The fourth wall needed to be replaced anyway. > Guile glared at Cammy and that particular solution was instantly abolished. > > "Listen," Ryu said suddenly, DANA : There's no *way* this isn't butter. > snapping out of his phase of self-pity, "I don't know about the rest of you, but > I haven't had breakfast, and I'm starved." He said pointedly. He just as soon got > up and left the room. MMK: I don't know who that is, but it's not Ryu. GAVOK: It's probably Mr. Withers in a Ryu mask. The Scooby gang will figure it out. > Moments later, the others joined him. FALC: Which is more than all the king's horses and all the king's men had been able to do. DANA : Anyone got any glue? > *** ALL : I feel like a star... I feel like a star... it's never very far... I feel like a star... > Wearing what she had been wearing at the time of her capture, which consisted of MMK : NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! STOOOOOPID! YOU SO STOOOOOOPIIIIID! > oversized military gear, MMK: Uhm... oh. [slides down further into his chair and looks sheepish] > Isis stood beside the car that would bring her within two blocks of her former > employers' headquarters. On either of her sides stood both Bison and his > right-hand-man Sagat. DANA: Sagat used to be his right-eye-man, but it hurt his feelings. > "If you want Ryu so bad, why don't you go after him yourself?" Isis asked the tall > man with the eyepatch. WAND : I'm playing hard-to-get. GAVOK <"Dice">: Some guys play hard to get. I play hard to want. Hey yo! > She believed she knew the answer, but it was the logical thing to ask...and besides, > it had been itching at her for a while. > > Sagat sighed and shook his head, "I wish!" He cried with deep regret, SAMAS : I wish I was a *real* boy... WAND : I wish I was the sentimental ornament you adore... > "Unfortunately, Isis, I would be somewhat of an expected guest...if you see what > I'm saying." GAVOK : I don't get it. MMK : Oh. Uhm, let me rephrase it. *ahem* I would be somewhat of an expected guest... if you smell what I'm cooking. GAVOK : Ohhhhhhhh. > He answered smoothly. Sagat always seemed to have the right answer to everything... > it was really entertaining. WAND: Sagat's the Oracle of Kibo! Cool! > Bison smirked at Isis, "Why do you ask him such a question, Isis? Do you not feel like > going on your mission any more?" He asked with a childish pout. GAVOK: This fic makes me want to go funky like a monkey. FALC: How so? GAVOK: OOC! OOC! OOC! OOC! OOC! OOC! > Isis narrowed her eyes at him DANA : That's perhaps the most OOC thing I've ever seen... what's going on here? > then turned her gaze to Sagat; the man was obediently keeping his mouth shut. GAVOK: He knows his role, all right. > Isis elbowed Bison sharply, "Shut up, you." She hissed warningly. > > "Anyway, we've gone over this enough that it should be clear in your mind. You know > what to do." WAND : You're Mr. Brown. DANA : Mr. Brown? That's too close to Mr. Shit. WAND : Look, this ain't a goddamn fuckin' city council meeting... > Bison declared professionally, hurrying Isis towards the car and pulling open the > door for her, "I will see you again shortly." He added contentedly. > > Before slipping into the car, Isis pulled Bison down and kissed his lips soundly, > "Later, luv." She said with a sly smile and shut the door after her. GAVOK: She is all about the undercover, isn't she? > The black car pulled away and disappeared in the distance moments later. FALC: Seconds later, it exploded in a fiery hail of metal and human flesh. WAND: Dark, but appropriate. > "Do you think she'll be able to do it, general?" Sagat asked quietly once the car was > out of sight. MMK : Fit 6 billiard balls in her mouth? > Bison's eyes lingered in the distance, "We will see, won't we?" He said thoughtfully, > repeating Isis' earlier words. > > *** ALL : Superstars... superscars... superstars... GAVOK: DAMMIT, answer the freakin' question! > Some time later, Isis set foot outside the building where the Street Fighters had > hired her some weeks ago. She wasn't all that sure that any of them would be there, > seeing as they all lead much different lives; WAND: Not in *this* 'fic, they don't. > but, with any luck, she would run into at least one of them. She took a deep breath MMK : Yeah, they won't notice this is missing. [mimes quickly grabbing something and slipping it under his coat] > and yanked open the door, then stepped quietly inside, her eyes instinctively > scanning the area around her. No one. WAND: And that, dear readers, is when the Tyrant busted through the wall. > She hurried through a few short halls (making note in her head that these halls > were MUCH less confusing then the ones within Shadowloo headquarters) and stopped > outside a room where, by chance, all the Street Fighters sat...eating breakfast. GAVOK: At Tiffany's. And she said, "I think I, remember the film." MMK: *Ding!* And Gavok gets the first reference to Deep Blue Something made by anyone, anywhere, in any fic in many years! GAVOK : Thank you, thank you. > Isis held back the urge to laugh hysterically DANA : *You* all have baggy eyes too! Ha! > and strode into the room. > > "Hello all." She said loudly to get everyone's attention. And that she did. Chun-Li > dropped her toast, [ALL quiet down and watch the toast fall.] FALC: Yup. Buttered side down. SAMAS: Huh. Even in fanfiction. > Ryu slapped his forehead, Guile choked on his food and the others > just stared in surprise. GAVOK : You realize you're not wearing a shirt? > So maybe she had picked the wrong time to return... > > Isis tentatively came closer to the table where they all sat and stared in awe, WAND : Now *that* is a fabulous rack. MMK : Tell it, brother. FALC: Damn you both. > "I am truly sorry about the time I've taken to give you all some news about the > stolen money, but, I'm sorry to say that I got caught." She admitted with partially > false shame, and THAT wasn't a lie, "I was detained; Bison tried to get some > information out of me WAND, MMK : By fucking my brains out. [ALL stare at them.] WAND, MMK, FALC : Don't do that. > but he didn't succeed. I was scheduled to die today but I escaped...I'm not a TOTAL > failure." She added quaintly. DANA: "I'll run over there," Tom said swiftly. > "Oh really? Well that's not what we heard." Guile said calmly, getting over his shock. ALL : Isis and Bison sitting in a tree... > Isis' eyes went wide, "Have they gotten to you too?" She asked in false concern and > amazement, "What lies have you heard?". WAND : I did not have sexual relations with Ms. Lewinsky. DANA : All three new movies will be out by 1997. SAMAS : Windows 2000 will be a great operating system. MMK : Truthfully, I don't think Pete will get very far with a solo career. GAVOK <2 Dope>: We're still with WCW. FALC : God is dead and no one cares. > Cammy was the next to snap out of her stupor, "You work for Bison now." She > answered pertly. WAND: According to SFA3, Cammy, so do you. SAMAS: Hell, *everyone* works for Bison sometimes. I mow his lawn. > Isis almost shouted the words 'how did you find out?!' but then decided against > it, "Who speaks these lies?" She demanded harshly, crossing her arms over her chest. GAVOK : Win if you dare! Survive if I let you! > Guile whipped out his sheet of paper FALC: This piece of paper does! [ALL gasp.] > and got up, then handed it to Isis, "Our agent from Shadowloo delivered this > early this week. If you read it, you'll see it's a detailed account of your > capture and betrayal." DANA: As told to Jeff Rovin. > He said disgustedly, beginning to wonder why he was even speaking to the > little traitor. MMK: Because she can't hear you otherwise? Just, you know, just guessing. > Isis read. She quickly realized that one of the men that had been in the room at > the time of her capture had written the document. She wanted to curse; then she > figured that someone would be hurtin' when she returned to Shadowloo. DANA: Probably you, Isis. Four of the best fighters in the world hate your guts and they're in the room. FALC : Her overconfidence can be *fun*. > She cleared her throat and shook her head, "Everything written here is true. GAVOK: The names have been changed to protect the innocent. For example, Jim Smith is now Martha Hightower. > But what would you have done if your life had been at stake?" WAND : Besides, he's really got the Psycho Power where it counts, ifyaknowwhatImean... > She snapped. MMK : DAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHGGGGGGHHHHHHH! I'M IN THE ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE! > People gasped. SAMAS : Oh my God! Her neck broke by itself! > "Don't come [WAND, MMK both look poised and ready to speak.] > to hasty conclusions just yet." [WAND, MMK both mutter and settle back into their seats.] > Isis went on, "My alliance with Bison was a fraud," She lied, "it was my only > way out." WAND: And in, and out, and in, and out, and-- [FALC roars in rage, snatches up the lug wrench, and brings it down towards WAND's head. WAND draws his sword and parries it.] WAND: Behave. FALC: Grr... > She smiled proudly. > > Guile eyed Isis suspiciously, "But when you came in here, you told us that you were > questioned and that you were scheduled to die today. Why would Bison do that to one > of his own men...or women in your case?" He remarked. MMK : 'Cause he's an insane dictator, remember? DANA : Oh... yeah. MMK : Dumbass. > Isis made the biggest mistake she could have: she paused. MMK : Okay, I *really* have to go to the bathroom. Promise me you won't unpause it? GAVOK : No problem. [MMK mimics getting up and leaving] GAVOK : Sucker. [mimics picking up a remote and hitting the pause button] > Guile noticed it immediately and grasped her arm, "I think we should keep > you someplace safe until we're completely sure you're not bullshitting us." > He said matter-of-factly. FALC: ...and Denis Leary, as Guile! > Isis considered fighting back, but then she figured that would make her look guilty. DANA: ...and very, very *dead*. [A pause.] MMK: Go for it, Isis! Go get 'em! You can beat 'em! You're a SUPERHEAVYWEIGHT! > "Whatever, but when you realize I'm clean, you'll have to FALC : ...be sure and check behind my ears. > pay me extra for my time that you're wasting." Isis said grimly. > > Moments later, she found herself in a small jail cell. SAMAS : WHERE ON EARTH AM I NOOOWWWWWWWW??? GAVOK : Uh oh. This isn't the bathroom. > Shadowloo - Chapter 4 GAVOK : ...England, James? MMK : No. For me. [MMK extends his index finger and pokes GAVOK, who oversells and puts himself through a nearby table.] > "Zero for two..." Isis grumbled miserably, huddling in the corner of her small > detention cell. This was the second time she had 'failed' an assigned mission. > How could she have screwed up so much as to end up in a jail cell?! FALC : It was just a few MP3s! Stupid lawyers. > The image of Balrog laughing hysterically at her popped into her head, "What > a jerk..." Isis breathed sourly. SAMAS: Psst, Isis. Toothbrush. Try it sometime. > How would she get out this mess? What would she tell Bison? GAVOK: Should she use paper or plastic? Can Batman get out of this one? What's George Wendt up to these days? > "Uh...hey." A timid voice called from the entrance of the detention room WAND : Bummer! They finally caught you, Ferris? > and Isis looked up to see who had come to 'pay her a visit'. MMK: Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more. [MMK ducks the steel chair thrown by FALC] > A young girl stepped into the room; WAND: I like where this is going. MMK: Duck. [WAND just barely ducks FALC's steel chair] WAND: Thanks. MMK : You owe me. > she had dark hair and bright eyes, she also wore a school uniform. MMK: Hey, *I*'m beginning to like where this is going, too. [MMK pulls DANA in front of him as a shield, FALC just barely stops the swing of the chair] > Isis peered past the girl and noticed that other people were gathered near the > outside of the doorway, staying prudently out of the way in a futile effort to > go unnoticed. DANA : Hey ho. Don't mind us. We're just standing here in a futile effort to go unnoticed. FALC : Oh, okay. I can dig it. > The small girl with the dark hair raised her hand GAVOK : Miss Johnson! MISS JOHNSON! I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM! MISS JOHNSON! > and waved at Isis, "I'm Sakura...I'm here to talk to you." She said matter-of-factly. SAMAS : Is this one smart? Is this one a quick learner? > Isis sneered and got up from her sitting position, "Why don't you bring in the > others with you?" She asked simply, eyeing the doorway. DANA: Because she also could whup you to a frazzle? > She watched curiously as Sakura's expression grew startled momentarily; was the > school girl alway so timid? WAND: I mean, it wasn't like gangbangs were *uncommon* around the Street Fighter hangout... [WAND pulls MMK in front of him, MMK quickly pulls GAVOK in front of him, GAVOK grabs and hides behind SAMAS, SAMAS grabs and hides behind DANA.] FALC : Ah, forget it. ALL: Whew. > Sakura blinked and looked back at the door, "Umm..." She hadn't expected Isis to be > so observant; MMK: Seeing as how Isis, thus far, is apparently really stupid and all... > in fact, Sakura was supposed to have interviewed Isis alone, simply because WAND: ...of her new gig on "The View". > she didn't look very threatening. GAVOK: I dunno, she scares the crap out of *me*... > A few moments later, Chun-Li and Ryu stepped into the room rather reluctantly, and > then Guile and Cammy strode in with grim expressions on their faces. FALC : You two have grim expressions on your faces. SAMAS : Really? DANA : Ick! Get it off! Get it off! > Sakura truned back to Isis and smiled innocently, "...yeah, sure, why not?" She > sighed in defeat. Her role was now only secondary. GAVOK: Just as long as she knows her role. > Cammy suspiciously raised an eyebrow at Isis as the woman came closer to the bars > of her cell, "I don't see..." WAND: But she still has her dignity. War Amps: Helping You Cope. > She began slowly, then Chun-Li rudely cut her off from behind, MMK : Ow, my ass! > "...why we don't just send her back to Shadowloo?" She asked, the question acting > more like a suggestion to everyone in the room. GAVOK : I can act like a suggestion! See? See? DANA : Forget it, man. GAVOK : Damnit! I'm tired of acting like a question! I'm being typecast! > "No, Chun-Li, that's totally out of the question." Ryu replied instantly, "If > anything, Isis should be --" MMK: --f-- [FALC growls, grabs the MMK and Gorilla Presses him above his head] MMK: --orced to watch the English dub of Sailor Moon. GAVOK: Ooh. Nice one. MMK: Thank you. Could someone get me down? GAVOK: Sure. FALC: No. GAVOK: Just let me find a ladder, and I'll have you down in a second. MMK: I can wait. [GAVOK stands up and walks around the theater, looking for a ladder] > He started, and once again Chun-Li cut in, "-- killed?" She asked hopefully. WAND: Back the *fuck* up. What gives? SAMAS: Um... WAND: This is *Chun Li*. Interpol agent. Professional detective. She's not this bloodthirsty, because Isis hasn't *talked* yet. If anything, Isis should be interrogated, then imprisoned, because she's already done any damage she was going to do, and she might be useful leverage against Bison. *Furthermore*, if they send Isis *back* to Shadowloo, she will obviously *not* be killed, because she *works for Bison now* -- and is, although they do not know this, doinking him -- and this version of Bison doesn't casually ace his own people! [pauses to breathe into a paper lunch sack] DANA: Look, if you question the story too much, you'll probably go insane before you leave here. Calm down. WAND: I'm just sayin', man... > Chun-Li was more than certain that Isis had betrayed them and was up to no good; she > had to be taken care of quickly before things got worse for the Street Fighters. SAMAS: *Chun Li* did? DANA: Sure! Why not? > Ryu exhaled loudly. FALC : I need some more smokes. > Behind steel bars, Isis smiled cynically. DANA : I'll be back out on the streets within a week, and you bastards can't do anything about it. Ha ha. > She was going to be dealt with in a most inconvenient way if she didn't get herself > out of this mess quickly. SAMAS : ...if I could only... reach... utility belt... > Now how could she possibly get her hands on Ryu as well? WAND : All you have to do is ask, baby. [FALC puts MMK down and hefts WAND over his head] MMK : Yes indeed! They *all* want a piece of the Big Rybowski! [FALC screams, puts WAND down and hefts MMK over his head again] GAVOK: Hang on, MMK! I'll get you down! [GAVOK runs back to the group with a ladder, which he opens.] GAVOK: Okay! Here I c-- (FALC, still holding MMK over his head, kicks the ladder into GAVOK's face.) GAVOK: Ow. [falls over] [MMK struggles a bit and gets out of FALC's grasp, landing on his feet.] MMK : My hero. GAVOK: Thank you! I try. > "Why would you want to kill me?" Isis asked GAVOK : Because we hate that damn Goo Goo Dolls song. DANA : That's not "Isis"... that's "Iris". GAVOK : Oh, okay. Well, because we hate your song "Eric the Half a Bee". FALC : No, you're thinking of Idle. GAVOK : Oh. Well, because we hate your crappy documentaries about pandas. SAMAS : I think you're thinking of Imax. GAVOK : Damnit. Well then, we want to kill you because... we hate those damn Tomb Raider games. WAND : Uhm... that's Eidos. GAVOK : Oh. Well, I guess you're free to go, then. MMK : Sweet. > with false confusion, getting the attention of the others in a flash, "Did you not > hear me when I came in? I'm the victim, not the culprit!" GAVOK: Incidentally, this defense is illegal in Wyoming. Good thing, too. > She argued. She just HAD to get the Street Fighters to let her out of that damn > jail cell! DANA: Or else she may never get to see _Fight Club_. > Guile faced Isis next, "Whatever. Your story doens't hold up, though. You still didn't > answer my earlier question: WAND : Hey there, I got spots; mind if I got stripes, too? > why would Bison want to execute one of his own men...or women in your case... > just because they didn't give him the answers he wanted to couple of silly questions?" > He asked syly. GAVOK: Oh ho ho! Guile, you're so syly! [FALC hits GAVOK on top of the head, compacting him into the size of a manhole cover] MMK: Ooh. Aspirin? GAVOK: Sure. Thanks. [An arm pops out of the small circle that GAVOK currently is and accepts the offered bottle of aspirin] > Isis' eyes widened at that, "WHY?! Because he's insane, Guile!" DANA: With *these* prices? I'd say so! MMK: Just like I said last chapter. Just saying, is all. > She cried, DANA : They cancelled "Family Guy"! (sobs) WAND : You *liked* that show? DANA : [sniffles] Yes. WAND : KILL HER! > "He doesn't care about the life of a single soldier! Much less the life of one who > can't answer questions." SAMAS: And yet, Balrog's one of his high-ranking officials. How odd. > She added pointedly, all the while thinking: that's my luv! ALL: ... MMK : Oh, that's our wacky Isis! [ALL chuckle.] > I wonder who's ass he's kicking now... FALC : He's doing something to his ass. He's not kicking it, but he's definitely doing something to his ass. MMK: You know, Pidge, that's scary... [FALC looks hopeful] MMK: ...but still wrong. [FALC grumbles] > "But the agent's report said that you caught Bison's eye...what's THAT all about?" DANA : I fumbled the other one. > Sakura asked quickly, curious about that particular detail; [Quietly, GAVOK pops back to his normal shape.] MMK: Nice use of cartoon physics, Gav. GAVOK: Thanks! > it disgusted her to think about Bison coming on to anyone... DANA: So, of course, she goes for some additional information. WAND: Here comes some SAN loss, Sak. Bite down hard. > he was too evil...and ugly, she thought after a quick mental image. > > The room went silent and all stared at Isis. FALC : Hey, that's right, that *is* pretty disgusting. What's with that? MMK : Yeah, what's the deal with that? GAVOK : KILL HER! SAMAS : Will you stop that? WAND : Hey, come on, there's nothing wrong with loving Bison! DANA : See? There's nothing wrong w... HEY! Wait a second! WAND : Oops. > Isis cringed and hoped no one would realize how uncomfortable she felt right then, FALC: Oh, if only she'd bought the tampons with the little wings. > "While I was snooping around in the main headquarters, Bison and I happened > to talk at one point." DANA : He thought Kevin Pollak was Keyser Soze, and... > She said rather softly and held Sakura's gaze, GAVOK : Don't drop that! Don't drop that! MMK : I wasn't *planning* on drop-- FALC: *CRASH!* MMK : Oops. GAVOK : Aieee! DANA : KILL HER! > "I think he may have suspected me from the beginning, but SAMAS : It turned out *Mrs. Peacock* was the one who did it with the wrench in the conservatory. Weird, huh? WAND : She *was* a little too quiet... > for some reason he never did anything about me until I was reported." She took > hold of the cold steel bars that trapped her and resented them with all her heart. GAVOK : You stupid cold steel bars! How I resent you! Grrrrrr! GRRRRRRRR! [mimes gnawing at steel bars] > Sakura smirked and then grinned, "You didn't DO anything, did you?" She asked > girlishly. SAMAS: Y'know, theoretically, she does everything girlishly. > Cammy slapped the young lady upside the head and gave her a dirty look. GAVOK : Wisegirl, eh? [smacks MMK upside the head] MMK : Nyah nyah! [tries to poke GAVOK in the eyes but GAVOK puts up his hand to block. MMK pokes GAVOK in the eyes with his index fingers] > Isis couldn't help but to laugh that empty laugh of hers; she liked Sakura already! FALC: No need, Wanderer. We all know what you're going to say. MMK: Does that include me, too? [FALC drags over a table and sets it on fire.] MMK: Just checking. [MMK ^_^s.] > Near the door, Chun-Li bent close to Ryu, "She sounds like Bison." DANA : Yeah, but according to you, *I* sound like Bison, you psycho. > She whispered in the taller man's ear. Ryu grunted in response to the remark. WAND : Yeah, way to ruin my fantasizing, you bitch. FALC: That does it! [hefts WAND over his head and walks towards the flaming table] MMK: Oh, no! Quickly, Gavok! GAVOK: Right! MMK: KNIGHT! GAVOK: 'VOK! MMK, GAVOK: INCREDIBLE KORN POWERS! [MMK grabs a bucket of popcorn while GAVOK grabs an ear of corn. FALC stares at them as they place the corn in their seats and hide behind the seats, giggling. Time stands still as FALC, still holding WAND above his head, stares at the corn sitting in the seats of MMK and GAVOK.] FALC: ...Well, shit. I can't follow that. [puts WAND back down] WAND: That's gotta be the strangest way I've ever been saved from peril. MMK: Good job, gang! [MMK and GAVOK grin and sit back in their seats.] > At that point, Guile pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and unfolded it with > a look of pure triumph on his face, SAMAS : The "X" should be 10 paces north! > "Well, Isis, thank you." He said curtly and inclined his head towards the prisoner. > Isis frowned confusedly. FALC : What the HELL is he doing with his head? > Guile cleared his throat and held out the paper to Isis, "This has been a most > enlightening discussion. Your lies have only enforced the things written on that > document; I'm very happy we decided to hold you down for a bit longer in order to [WAND, MMK tense up.] > check out your story, [WAND, MMK settle back into their seats.] MMK : Say, could someone put that thing out now? [GAVOK gets up] FALC: First person to try it goes through it. [GAVOK sits down] GAVOK : Nope, nobody. MMK: Damnit. > because my suspicions have been confirmed." He smiled arrogantly, "You are > indeed one of Bison's henchmen now, SAMAS: Way to go, you yutz. She admitted to it right after she walked in. > and your alliance with us has ended a long time ago." He stated firmly. WAND : Can I still go with you guys to Six Flags next Tuesday? SAMAS : Yeah, sure, why not. GAVOK : KILL HER! DANA : Oh, get *over* it. > Isis read the paper that was handed to her. It was a detailed account of her > trainin with Bison MMK: ...written by Susie Bright. WAND: Yowza! > and of her mission to capture Ryu; SAMAS: ...with "You've gotta be kidding me" written in the margin in Japanese... > it also descibed the development and current sandings of her relationship with > the supreme master of Shadowloo. WAND : "Dear Penthouse Forum, I'm a terrorist dictator with my own international organization..." > She swallowed thickly and her heart sank. MMK : They're sanding my relationship with Bison! *sob* SAMAS: Hey, ya gotta sand if yer gonna varnish, baby. Heh, heh, heh... [ALL pause to stare at SAMAS.] WAND: Sam, is there something you'd like to tell us? SAMAS: Never mind. > She looked up from the paper and handed it back to Guile; there was nothing she > could say. Any more lies would confuse her and end up trapping her in the end. GAVOK: Sitting on a bear trap? Been there, done that. > The other Street Fighters read the paper in turn. MMK : Wow. Isis knows the cigarette trick? SAMAS : Looks like he spent the 2.5 million at Priscilla's. DANA : I'm not sure I should be reading this. I feel dirty. WAND: This paper had, of course, cost millions of dollars and occupied the nation's attention for months at a time. > Guile had not shared his findings with the others in case FALC: He could trade it for smack. > something would have come out of the interview with Isis. As he had expected, > though, Isis had continued to lie; he had her now and there was nothing she > could do about it. > > "I knew it!" Chun-Li cried and waved the paper in front of Ryu's face, "Ha!" DANA : Now you can't step within 50 feet of me! > Ryu tore the document out of Chun-Li's hands, GAVOK : *Rrrrip!* SAMAS : Oops. > "Give me that..." He snapped irritably and quickly read through the page, > "...let's just kill her." He mumbled when he was finished. SAMAS: You down with OOC? ALL: Yeah, you know me! > When all had gone through the letter, GAVOK: This traitor has been brought to you by the letter "Q". DANA: That's one big letter. > Cammy called everyone to attention and held up a finger, GAVOK : Fuck you all! I quit! > "Alright then, why would we kill Isis when we could use her instead?" She > asked thoughtfully, MMK: YES! WAND: *Now* we're getting somewhere. [FALC drags out another table, but before he can set it on fire, GAVOK boots him in the ass. FALC goes through the table.] MMK: Hee hee! Nice one, Vokkers. GAVOK: That was cool. FALC : I'm going to kill you two. > "Bison stole 2.5 million and we're supposed to get it back. WAND: Oh, yeah, this. So you came to a foreign country, camped out with surveillance gear, planted more than one double agent, one of which was apparently a highly trained mercenary, and then *sat there* for a few weeks while she infiltrated? Y'know, your operation probably costs more than 2.5 million by itself, and even then, Bison could have spent, laundered, or hidden the money! [pauses] Ow... my head... DANA: You all right, there? WAND: Give me a second. > We also know that our dear psychotic general has a soft spot for Isis..." She nodded > slowly and smiled, "...you see where I'm going with this?" She asked. SAMAS : Nope. MMK : No idea. DANA : Lost me. GAVOK : KILL HER! > Guile slapped a hand on Cammy's shoulder, "Brilliant! We'll hold Isis hostage!" He > declared conclusively. Cammy nodded. FALC: Unfortunately Guile was later sued for sexual harrassment. > Isis' jaw dropped. SAMAS : Crap! My jaw! I dropped it! GAVOK : Anyone got any glue? > She had come to kidnap Ryu and now the Street Fighters were kidnapping HER instead! WAND: As the Sledgehammer O' Irony (tm) comes down hard... > What a great day she was having... > > Chun-Li jumped forwards, "Wait!" She cried, a pained expression on her face, GAVOK: My insulin! > "We don't know to what extent Bison is tied to Isis! MMK : Let's kill her. > Sure the report says that they're pretty tight...but Bison is evil! He probably > won't give a shit about Isis!" MMK : Let's *kill* her. > She argued, "We'd be going out on a limb here!" MMK : I mean, sure, I'm just going way overboard in my pursuit of Bison because I'm an obsessive-compulsive nutcase... but let's *kill* her! > The room went silent. WAND : I think she wants us to kill her. DANA : Well, I don't know... you sure? GAVOK : I could sure go for a bagel right about now. > Isis herself wasn't even sure what Bison's reaction to the threat would be; in > a way, she hoped he wouldn't go for it, and in another way, she hoped he would. FALC: It's worth noting that she was an exceedingly *wishy-washy* type of easily-captured dimwit. Not surprising. MMK: You've Been Captured By The Enemy, Charlie Brown! > Finally, Cammy sighed, "We really have no other choice." SAMAS : We'll have to cut her legs off. Nurse, get the handsaw. > She paused, then added, "To make sure, we'll send some men to Shadowloo. They > can try to get the cash in the meanwhile...kind of like a backup plan." WAND : Or a very stupid idea. > *** ALL : Star-t me up! > "So, you're back," GAVOK: No, my front. [FALC wraps the steel chair around GAVOK's head] GAVOK: Owwie. > Isis replied coldly, trying to hide the fear that she had for what she knew would > be her punishment for associating with Bison. WAND: Thirty lashes. Wet noodle. Take it like a man, Isis. [GAVOK staggers around the theater.] DANA: Oh, for heaven's sake. Where's that cutting torch? > "Why Isis, if I didn't know better, I would almost think that you didn't like > me," Chun Li replied, not even trying to hide the joy in her voice; it was > obvious to everyone that she hated Isis. MMK: Gee, wow, and here I assumed that they had been best friends since childhood. Silly me. [DANA cuts the chair off GAVOK's head. GAVOK sits down.] > "I know you didn't come here just watch me rot, although you probably don't have > anything better to do, other than to annoy everyone else." DANA : Yeah. It's like 15 minutes 'til "Friends" is on. > "I'm hoping you'll keep this up. MMK, GAVOK, WAND: Hee hee hee. [FALC chases them around the theater.] > I may actually get my wish. MMK : Frank's 2000-inch TV. GAVOK: *DING!* Total Weird Al Reference Tally: MMK 3, Wanderer 2, Gavok 1. MMK: Hootie hoo! > As you know, SAMAS : I don't like you. DANA : Really? You don't? SAMAS : Nope. Never did. DANA : Wow. You think you know a person... > there are some big crimes Bison has committed. MMK : Gambling, loan sharking, extortion, narcotics, prostitution... > With your, shall we say, relationship, to Bison, WAND : You mean my boinking him day and night? DANA : Yeah, what*ever*. Can I continue, please? MMK : ...murder, pornography, labor racketeering, stolen cars, business fraud, mail fraud... you are also accountable. As such, you face Capitol Punishment." GAVOK: TONIGHT ON PAY PER VIEW!! MMK : ...wire fraud, bribery, corruption, perjury... "And the alternative is any better?" SAMAS : If you're a big Nirvana fan, sure. MMK : ...and jury tampering! Now *here's* a guy who didn't waste a minute! Busy, busy, busy! > "You help us nail Bison as Cammy suggested earlier, MMK : Trust me, if there's one person who can help you with nailing Bison, i-- [FALC screams, grabs the MMK, and powerbombs him through the flaming table.] MMK : Oww. I love you too, Pigeoner. Oww. [FALC double-powerbombs the still lit-up MMK] FALC: Don't call me Pigeoner. MMK : No. Oww. Bad Pigeoner. Oww. BAD. > and you get off with your life...you incidentally also get life in jail." > > "Some system of justice! Where's my trial? Where's..?" WAND : Carmen Sandiego? MMK : Waldo? SAMAS : ...my VCR, my long tall glass of lemonade? Where's my picket fence, my stereo, my TV show? GAVOK : My elephant! WHERE'S MY ELEPHANT? WHERE'S MY ELEPHANT? > "That doesn't apply to spies, traitors, or Bison-Lovers!" MMK: Really? GAVOK: Let me check. [takes out Bill of Rights] Wow. Doesn't apply to mimes either. > "Oh, would you get over his killing your father! Get on with your life! SAMAS: Yeah! Shrug off your crippling childhood trauma! DANA: Casually let go of your solitary quest for vengeance! > Oh, wait! I forgot; you don't have a life! As for your offer..." Isis flicked > off Chun Li! WAND, MMK: Heh heh heh. [A pause.] WAND, MMK: Okay, stop that. [Another pause.] WAND, MMK: No, *you* stop it. [Another pause.] SAMAS: This is freaky. WAND, MMK: You're tellin' me. [pause] Damn, dude! > At first, Chun Li was mad at the gesture. Then, she turned, and started to hum > the death-march happily. FALC : I'll be blowin' your fuckin' head off when I come... DANA : I *really* like this tune. > So, it seems that no matter what, I'm dead! SAMAS: What do *you*, the viewers at home, think? DANA: With a special guest appearance by Lina Inverse, as Isis. > How did I ever get in with this stuff? What a way to go, eh? Killed of by 'the > good guys.' How ever am I going to get out of this? DANA: And why did the narrator just say all that to us? WAND: Why do they want to kill the narrator? MMK: How would you classify 'the good guys'? And how would you tell them from "the good guys"? GAVOK: Who put the bomp in the bomp-she-bomp-she-bomp? FALC: Where does your lap go when you stand up? > Isis thought about everything that had happened up to that point. She thought > back to her initial meeting with the Street Fighters, and the money they offered > her to get the stolen money back from Bison. DANA: And that time Bison got toilet paper stuck to his shoe. > Then, she thought of how she had gotten careless, and had got caught. Then again, > maybe it wasn't so bad to be caught by Bison. They had started something...special. SAMAS: Their own TV series on UPN. > Maybe, they might have even started to...but what if what her current jailers were > right? WAND: What if she Can't Believe it's Not Butter? > What if she was living an illusion and she was out of luck? MMK: Then maybe she's in Silent Hill. > Then, in a flash, she knew what her choice was. She had overheard from several > people, on both sides, that Bison and his Psycho Power [ALL drink.] > were very strong, and very dangerous. FALC: Of course, since she had punked Bison with a surprise attack, of *course* she'd be able to escape. > Had he not been so overconfident, he may have destroyed Ken and Ryu. Even so, > he still took them to the limit. WAND: I guess this story is partially based on the movie. GAVOK: Well, that means that Ryu must have defeated Bison in the truck. FALC: Pay up, Knight. MMK: Hey, hey, hey, my goony friend. You have to include Mega Man, Spider-Man, and... FALC: Damn. > She also had that power, and the Street Fighters didn't seem to know about it, > yet. So, when the time came, she would unleash it, and make a break for -- Bison? GAVOK: Or -- buffalo? It was a big decision. > Would she be welcomed back, or would she meet death for her failure. WAND: And would she ever find the inner strength to use question marks again? > Isis became drowsy,being riddled by the Street Fighters. She then dreamed an > enlightening dream. GAVOK : Dream! The impossible dream! MMK : ENLIGHTENMENT!! [FALC takes a deep breath] ALL: No Haohmaru rant. FALC: Fark. > ~DREAM~ > > "Ok, you, it's time!" sang Chun Li. GAVOK, FALC : It's the time, the time, the time, the time... MY TIME! MY TIME! > "What is with you, Li? A person's about to go to her death!" scolded Cammy. SAMAS: A once in a lifetime event, for sure. > Isis liked Cammy, but not much. Maybe it was more of respect for the fact that > she had, at a time, also loved Bison. MMK, WAND: Many different ways. [A pause.] MMK, WAND: God*damn*it. > Maybe that is why Cammy wanted her last moments to not be aby harder than they were. GAVOK : I should probably check. Hey, Cammy? DANA : Yeah? GAVOK : Do you want my last moments to not be aby harder then they are? DANA : What the hell are you saying? GAVOK : I have no idea. > Regardless of why, Cammy didn't have any problems with the traitor's death. > > "Tell me, what was it that had fasinated you about Bison? Why were you interested > in him?" MMK : Well, first off, he's hung like a bull gorilla... FALC: Grrr... DANA: Why do you care so much, anyway? FALC: Because it's *him*. > For a moment, Cammy looked sharply at her, looked ahead, and just said, "It's a > long story." MMK : Really? WAND : No, it's a very short story. He's a real good lay. MMK : Oh, okay. FALC: *Grrr*... > Just as the door opened, Isis released the Psycho Power [ALL drink.] > she had been storing, GAVOK: ...into the wild... > and dropped Cammy and Chun Li. DANA : I... I don't think we should see each other anymore. > "What's wrong? I thought she was cuffed..." Guile stopped as Cammy had one in her > hand, while Chun Li had the other. FALC: They each had one *what* in their hands? One *what*? [MMK grins, WAND smirks] FALC: ... [fakes tossing a steel chair at MMK, who ducks] MMK: Ha-- [gets smacked as FALC actually tosses his chair this time] Ow. > She hijacked one of their jets, and made for Shadowloo, focusing only on getting away > from the Street Fighters, and back to Bison. WAND: Pity she wasn't focusing on flying the damn plane. > They gave chase, and followed her to Shadowloo. As they reached it, they were close > enough to Isis, and began to open fire! GAVOK: But we don't need no water. MMK: Let the motherfucker burn. FALC: Burn, motherfucker. Burn. [ALL hum the bassline.] > Great! WAND: Swell! SAMAS: Perfect! GAVOK: Keen! DANA: Neato! MMK: Spiff! FALC: Gorfy! WAND: Bitchin'! SAMAS: Rockin'! GAVOK: Tubular! DANA: Flawless! MMK: Splah! FALC: Excellent! > She now realized that her jet wasn't equipped for combat. Her only chance lay in > contacting Bison with the jet's radio. Fortunately, she knew the frequency. MMK: So we don't have to ask Kenneth about it. > "Isis! What's up girl? Just why are you contacting us? You wanna blow your cover?!" > > "Balrog, you idiot! Never mind! Just get Bison!" > > "I'm right here! What is this?" GAVOK: This, my super-villain friend, is Sweage! The soft drink with the taste of bacon and peanut butter all in one! MMK : MMM! BEEFY! WAND : Well, I won't need *this* anymore. [tosses his box of snacks over his shoulder] > "They are on to me! I was held prisoner! I just got away! I..." DANA: Ai-yi-yi! > "Balrog! What happened?" > > "She's being jammed, sir!" GAVOK : She lost the beeps, the creeps, and the sweeps. > "Isis! Isis!" WAND: John! FALC: Marsha, Marsha, MARSHA! > ~END OF DREAM~ DANA: Oh, good. Just in case we couldn't figure it out otherwise. > With a start, Bison awoke to hear someone pounding on his door. What an awful > dream, he though. WAND: I'm sorry, that one's just too-- GAVOK: Funny, I wouldn't have though Bison would thin that. WAND : --easy. > However, the message Balrog had for him made it a living nightmare! SAMAS : Living with you is like living in a living nightmare! DANA : Make me a sandwich. > Balrog was just able to get out of the way, as Bison ripped down the wall > across from his room! [MMK leaps out of his chair and extends his arms] MMK: Break the wall DAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOWWWWWN! FALC: Somehow, I knew this was coming. > "Vega!" he yelled into an intercom, "I need you to report to me right away! > You're going to pay a visit to the Street Fighters!" WAND : Don't forget to bring a pie! Something with cherries. MMK : I could bring a hair pie, sir! WAND: Dude, that was *sick*. FALC: I agree. [He picks up MMK, gives him a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker while keeping hold of him, and back-body-drops him across the theater. MMK crashes into the projectionist's booth. Suddenly, the image on the screen blanks out.] GAVOK: Sweet! You broke the movie camera! DANA: You'd almost think he meant to do that. [MMK comes flying back out of the booth and lands in the fifth row.] GAVOK: You all right, MMK? MMK: I will be once the bones knit! HUNTER : All right, Spider-Clones, take five! You can't leave my theater, so don't try, but you've got a reprieve while I fix this! WAND: I love you, Falconer. FALC: Grrr... [ALL exeunt.] HUNTER: Hey! I said *not* to leave the theater... damn it... ===== The wind blew through the haunted corridors of the Torture Theatre with a low, keening sound, driving old yellow popcorn boxes before it. An old shutter banged against a wall. A coke cup spilt its dregs on Hunter's head. The cup soon regretted its mistake. Hunter, taking deep breaths, glanced at the monitors, then looked at the door. "Gavok," he said. "GAVOK!" Gavok failed to appear, so Hunter reached for the Sidekick-B-Good Obediance Tool and Cattle Prod, and stalked towards the Markel vs. Crapcom machine, where TV's Gavok spent most of his time. Had spent most of his time. It stood lonely, with the sound muted. The demo played endlessly, like a cuckoo clock quacking the hours in an abandoned house. A silent testimony to the faithful servitude of one man, and his one escape. Hunter sighed. His sidekick was no longer his sidekick, and sometimes, he forgot. What, he thought, did it all come down to? Really? When you got right down to it? What did it matter? Who was going to close the window? "IT DOESN'T *MATTER* WHO'S GOING TO CLOSE THE WINDOW!" Hunter turned to see the MultiMediocre Knight yelling at Dana, who recoiled, and rallied. "I think it DOES actually kind of, sort of, just a teensy little bit MATTER when this thrice be-damned draught keeps on BLOWING all OVER the--" Hunter frowned. Then reacted. "What are you no-good Daffy Ducks doing outside of your designated pain area? Get back into the theater and stop loitering out here!" The six turned. "Hunter. I will crush you." "Hunter! You sonuvabitch--" "Hunter! I need another memory card for the Playstation! I filled the rest with FalClones! Please?" "SILENCE!" Hunter glanced around, looking for something to stop the oncoming hordes of retribution. "Get back into the theatre NOW! Or I'll... I'll..." "You'll what?" Wanderer drawled, his hand on his sword. "Or I'll STOP MAKING POPCORN WITH THE YUMMY BLACK BITS ON THEM!" The group stopped, horror etched on their faces. "No!" Gavok said. "You can't do this! It would be--" "--evil?" Hunter said, smiling. "--absurd, I was going to say. But that too, I guess." "Just GET IN THERE *NOW*, Jobbers-to-Renegade! Or I *WILL* make you!" Hunter turned and fled for the safety of his lab, leaving his subjects behind him. "So, what now, Wandymuffin?" "Don't call me that, you--" "Whatever, Wandymuffin." The MMK grinned. (#39, the yes-I'm-being-annoying-and-it-doesn't-MATTER-what-you-think grin. DING!) The ZeekBot Millennium sidled up. "Um, guys? Guys? There's a, um, 'Fic sign here. I don't know if you want to get, um, excited, or anything, but-" "Let's go," Wanderer said, squaring his shoulders. [To be continued in Part Two.] ===== Staff: Self-Appointed Editor: Thomas "Wanderer" Wilde Writing Staff {in no particular order): James Howard, the Multimediocre Knight mmk@beer.com http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Battlefield/4281/ the Black Snotling camcarr@ibm.net Gavok jasp@cyberex.net Damien "SAMAS" Hailey SAMAS_1@hotmail.com Quanah Harjo, the eDANgelist qharjo@peripheral.com Zeek Silverfire twarner@erinet.net Thomas Wilde [a.k.a. Wanderer] storyteller@webzone.net Thanks to Dana Crysalis for contributing his character, Andrew "Hunter" Roth for being a good sport, and Zeek Silverfire for the contribution of one joke. Introduction by Wanderer. Closing sketch by the Black Snotling, slightly modified by Wanderer. Why is it prose? Because it is. The Street Fighter Drinking Game is by Kevin Kanda. "Shadowloo" is originally by the Murgo Queen and GFD. Isis is copyright them. All Street Fighter characters are copyrighted by Capcom. All Octagon Rumble characters are copyright their respective owners. Please don't use them. We're horribly irrational and violent people. Links: the Octagon Rumble Fiction Project: http://tiffa.brawl.org/personal/elsewhere/or99 Mystery Octagon Theater: http://tiffa.brawl.org/personal/elsewhere/or99/mot.html The Street Fighter Drinking Game: http://linguist.dartmouth.edu/~emerald/sfgame.html Thanks for reading. > "He doesn't care about the life of a single soldier! Much less the life of one who > can't answer questions." She added pointedly, all the while thinking: that's my luv!