Mystery Octagon Theater: Episode 106 [Ordinary People Mix], part 2 "Shadowloo" Original by the Murgo Queen and GFD Kicked old-school by: James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight TV's Gavok the Black Snotling Scott "Falconer" Faulkner Damien "SAMAS" Hailey Quanah Harjo Thomas "Wanderer" Wilde Edited by Thomas Wilde Aided and abetted by Dana Crysalis, Zeek Silverfire, and Kevin Kanda Obligatory Disclaimer Crap: This is a MiSTing with a non-standard cast. Hopefully, it's a good enough cast that you can just enjoy the MiSTing. The cast grew out of the message board and chatroom the lot of us hang out on, and the characters in the theater are there representing the online personas of members of the writing staff. In other words, it's Mystery Self-Insertion Theater 3000. How revolutionary. This is our fifth MiSTing, but the previous episodes were a bit too in-joke-ridden to consider submitting to SVAM. If you'd like to read them, please visit our archive site at http://tiffa.brawl.org/personal/elsewhere/or99/mot.html. It would be helpful if you had read Part One of this MiSTing before you read this. This 'fic is rated PG for violence; the commentary is rated R for language and blatant sexual innuendo. Shake before opening. Batteries not included. Don't point that thing at me. You just wait 'til your father gets home. ===== [SCENE: the front row of a big movie theater. Six men lounge around, reading, playing cards, and eating food that's obviously been liberated from the snack bar. From the back of the theater, where the projectionist's booth is, the sound of muffled cursing can be heard.] WAND: I guess we're on, or something. Hey, folks. I'm Thomas Wilde, also known as Wanderer-- FALC: Also known as a dead man walking... WAND : --and this is Torture Theater, where we're frequently imprisoned by the evil genius _du jour_ and forced to read bad fanfiction. It's not that uncommon an evil scheme, really. DANA: We'd be in the theater now, but Falconer here-- [DANA points to FALC, who glowers at him.] DANA: --broke the projector last time out, so we're waiting for it to be fixed. It's been a few hours. WAND: Anyway, that's Falconer. He's big, angsty, and wants to kill me. FALC: I *will* kill you. WAND: Yeah, sure. This is Dana Crysalis. DANA: Good day. Mijae, if you're watching, I'll be back as soon as I can. Be sure and tape "Lovejoy" for me. WAND: "Lovejoy"? DANA: I quite enjoy A&E. WAND: Weird. Anyway, this armored goof here is SAMAS. SAMAS: Yo. WAND: This is the MultiMediocre Knight, and his sidekick Gavok. GAVOK: Well, actually, he's *my* sidekick. MMK: Oh, sure, I'm *your* sidekick! And Viscera's dead from a car crash! GAVOK: Well, it-- MMK: And Pakistan will take the Olympic gold medal for hockey in 2002! GAVOK: Well, th-- MMK: And Bananarama will be making their big comeback next year! GAVOK: ..... MMK: Jerky. WAND: So, I guess we're just kind of sitting around until this week's mad scientist fixes the projector. We were watching this really strange Street Fighter fanfic called "Shadowloo"-- HUNTER : As has it been, so shall it be! [ALL groan.] HUNTER: It's go time, Future Cops! Chapters Five through Nine of "Shadowloo" await! FALC: What if I break the projector again, Hunter? What are you going to do then? HUNTER: Very simple, Andre... I'll unleash a horde of delusional cabbits into the theater, and it's cabbit mating season! [FALC goes pale.] WAND : Well, that would seem to make it fanfic sign, wouldn't it? ===== > Shadowloo - Chapter 5 MMK: Will make you get up, singing-- GAVOK: One, two three four. SAMAS: Five will make you go down, down. DANA: Sing it up, sing it up, sing it up now. > Vega stepped soundlessly into the room much like a cat would on a plush carpet, [MMK touches GAVOK and his hair stands on end] > "Sir?" He asked tentatively as Bison stepped before him with a most uninviting > sneer on his face. Vega silently thought: Sagat BETTER not have blamed me for > anything, that cycloptic suck-up... GAVOK : Vega, I've heard that it was you who stole the cookie from the cookie jar. MMK : Who me? GAVOK : Yeah you. MMK : Couldn't be. GAVOK : Then who? > Bison's fists curled at his sides when he spoke, "Isis has been kidnapped by the > Street Fighters." He hissed through clenched teeth, letting the absurdity of the > statement stand for itself. DANA : Hey, mommy, wow! I'm a big statement now! > Vega felt like saying 'I told you so' but held back wisely, "I am to fetch her?" MMK : Here boy! FWEET! C'mon boy...fetch the Isis! GAVOK : Bark bark! *pant pant pant* MMK: Gavok, you're slobbering on my shoes. GAVOK: Grrrrrrrrr...ROWF ROWF ROWF! > He asked, hoping the answer would be no; Vega had no intention of paying > a visit to the Street fighters -- it would summon too much unwelcome emotions. SAMAS: Namely, the rejection he felt after Cammy beat him to scoring "Macho" Bison in the sack. > "Bright boy." Bison snapped irritably, "Return her to me, at once!" WAND : She's cheaper than an electric blanket, and twice as fun! [WAND parries FALC's trashcan with GAVOK] GAVOK: Owie... > Vega put on a sour face, "Fine. Is there any special way you'd like me > to do that, sir?" He asked impudently. GAVOK : No...same old way as normal. Violence, more violence, and a box of chocolates. > Bison was not in the mood for insurbordinance, "I don't care how you do it!" > He yelled, then lowered his voice to a menacinghiss, "Just don't fail me, > Vega!". SAMAS : I've got money riding on this thing! > The graceful yet deadly assassin bowed shortly, turned, and ran out of the > room at top speed. > > When he had left, Bison punched the wall. DANA: Huh...is he Bison or Raging Bull? The world wants to know. FALC: Well, he might be Tom Petty. > *** GAVOK : I love the shuriken! > "It would seem that your death sentence will be somewhat postponed." > Guile said flatly to Isis. WAND : WGN's running a Cubs game again. > He had decided to pay the girl a visit in order to update her on current events. DANA : Well, this plane just crashed in Egypt, there's an election coming up in New Zealand, and Russia is beating up on Chechnya again. > Isis laughed her dead laugh MMK: ...ha ha ha...brains...BRAINS! GRAR! > and leaned negligently on the bars of her jail cell, SAMAS, FALC : ATTICA! ATTICA! > "Postponed for how long? Two...maybe three minutes? Why?" She asked with only > partial curiosity. > > Guile smirked, "Bison took the bait." He answered shortly. DANA : We're gonna twist his arm 'till he gives it back. The bastard. > A feeling of relief as well as one of frustration welled up within Isis then. > "Why don't you kill me now, then?" MMK : Well, if you insist... > She asked, "You got what you wanted, Bison'll return the stolen money to you." > She said with next to no conviction. If Bison had indeed 'taken the bait' > as Guile said, WAND : Oh, yah, it was probably fish roe. Dictators love that. FALC : Yah, I got me a good crappie like that. > then he would most likely find another way to get what he wants without > having to return the stolen money. That's how Isis would do it... GAVOK: But McGuyver, on the other hand, would have it all wrapped up with a piece of dental floss, a stick, and a candy wrapper. > Guile stared long and hard at Isis in utter disgust, "Because, unlike you, the > Street Fighters and I are not inhuman monsters. DANA : Except for Blanka, but because of discrimination laws, we're required to refer to him as "Domesticationally Challenged". > You are part of the deal and will be retruned to Bison when he returns the > stolen cash." GAVOK: In other words...THEY'RE PIMPIN' ISIS NATIONWIDE! > He explained slowly as though he were speaking to a small child. He was beginning > to understand Chun-Li's fanatic dislike for Isis. > > "Yeah," Isis laughed, "if Chun-Li doesn't wake up one night in a crazy rage and > shoot me first!". DANA : That would truly be a tragedy. > Guile crossed his arms over his chest and grew suddenly insulted, "Chun-Li is a > fine woman, MMK : She's a fine, fine woman. Oh yeah. GAVOK : I missed that thing. > not a maniac; since her beginnings with us she has been very > level-headed individual." He argued. WAND : Which is why she yells 'KILL HER!' every time she sees me. FALC : Actually, now that you mention it... > Isis smiled a velvet smile, WAND: Well... more like naugahyde... but you get the idea. > "What was she before she worked for you?" She asked, her eyes sparkling with > malevolence, "A bum? Living in VAN, down by the RIVER?" She yelled extremely loudly, MMK: Hey, Falconer. FALC: *What*? MMK: Imagine it. Chris Farley in Chun Li's outfit. [FALC begins to shake with rage.] FALC: ...AAAAIIGGGHHH!! [jumps up and chases MMK around the theater] MMK: Whee! > hoping with all her heart that the woman in question would overhear her berating. GAVOK : Now let me try to get you back on the right track! We're gonna be buddies! We're gonna be pals! We're gonna wrestle around with each other! Here's you! Here's Chun! There's you! There's Chun! [breaks through a table] FALC: I guess I don't need to do anything. > Guile simply got up and left the room. Isis was impossible. SAMAS : Not impossible! Just improbable! > Isis laughed and sat down calmly, "So she was a bum, eh Guile?" She concluded out > loud and blinked once. The soldier did not answer her. DANA: Bum looker. Cheeky monkey. > After a few hours of mindless toying with the few things around her [WAND and MMK exchange a glance.] > Isis decided to make an attempt at breaking free. Hell, there was nothing better to > do! She decided that the best way to go would be GAVOK: Drowning? SAMAS : You'd never know what hit you. A gunshot is the perfect way. > to use her Psycho energy to try to blast though the cell bars. Sure, it probably > wouldn't work, but it was worth a try. > > She got up from her sitting position and took a deep breath. She closed her eyes > and began the summoning of her strength, keeping all the muscles of body taught > with the force of the rage burning deep within her. DANA: The coming of a night of dark intent, and not just a night, an age... > She found that one spot inside of her [MMK, WAND snicker.] > that triggered the release of her Psycho energy and gritted her teeth in anticipation. > She almost had it...almost...almost... WAND: Then her batteries went dead. [The grinding of FALC's teeth is audible.] > Sakura stepped into the room then and gawked. MMK: Hootie hoo! WAND: Duck. [MMK ducks under FALC's cattle prod.] MMK: Thanks. WAND: Now we're even. > Blue energy coursed through Isis' hands, sparking and crackling every now and then > with the sheer intensity of power that the prisoner-woman was building up. DANA: The prisoner-woman used blue-fire to blast the iron-prison into fire-leavings. [WAND, SAMAS politely applaud.] DANA: Thank you, thank you... more "'Shadowloo' in Old Norse" later on in the show. Maybe. > Sakura couldn't believe her eyes; she had seen that energy before -- it was Psycho > Power! [ALL sip.] > In the cell, Isis felt the time of release coming up at a mile a minute; [MMK and WAND snicker.] FALC: DON'T SAY IT. WAND: Well, if she'd stop *asking* for it... > she was going to be free! She snapped her hands before her, palm facing out, and > screamed the two words that always took over her mind when her summoning was complete, FALC, MMK, GAVOK: SSSSSUUUUCCCKK ITT! WAND: I really do hate all of you. You know that, right? > "AKAYU RAYA!" She yelled and felt the supreme surge of power leaving her body through > her open hands. She opened her eyes to see a figure move quickly somewhere near the > door, and shortly after that, there was a great explosion of light. DANA : Then what happened? SAMAS : We were like, "Fuck it," man. It was way too far. > When the light died, the bars before her were blown out and bent to the sides. Isis > gasped, she was free! > > Sakura had darted out of the room when Isis' energy had been released, but then she > returned when the bright light of the explosion had subsided. She entered the room, > for the second time, to see Isis' cell blow open; FALC : So she caught the instant replay? WAND : Damn it, Isis, in *this* prison, we respect the space-time continuum! > Isis herself was staring at the bars in disbelief. The prisoner musn't escape! Sakura's > mind roared. The young girl bolted into the room and advanced on Isis. MMK: She is Woman, hear her roar. > Isis watched Sakura come and tensed her muscles for her very fist real fight. SAMAS: Any way you look at that typo, it blows the sentence all to hell. > Just as the girl was in range, Isis felt faint and had difficulty breathing; she knew > what was happening and she couldn't believe it! GAVOK : Brad Pitt? He's coming *here*? > The summoning of such a huge amount of power was taking its toll on her body! Within > moments, Isis dropped to the floor unconscious. Her attempt at freedom had > failed! WAND: You know, for such an elite hacker type, she's a fairly useless prat, isn't she? FALC: Wanderer, since when do you have a New Zealand accent? WAND: I... have no idea. > Sakura stopped her advance and frowned. Was Isis faking? [WAND and MMK snicker] FALC: I'm warning you two! > She walked up to the woman and lightly nudged her side with her shoe, "Hey!" Sakura > tried and jumped back SAMAS : OWWW! Get back! > just in case. Isis didn't move. > > Immediately, Sakura called for the others. > > *** GAVOK : ...stars... > Vega couldn't believe his eyes! He removed his mask, revealing his fine features, and > shook his head. Then, he took his claw and lightly passed a finger over it...which > began to bleed. DANA: The *claw* is bleeding? Call the Vatican! > Great! Vega thought. Now, there's two of them! As if it wasn't enough with Bison > having Psycho Powers, FALC : ...now they're gonna get trendy. [ALL sip.] > now this little nobody had them! Looks like Balrog was telling the truth --for once! I > wonder; wouldn't it be rather rude to try and rescue her now? GAVOK : I think I'll ask Dear Abby. That shouldn't take more than a week... > She may be insulted, for my hindering in her plan of escape. I think I shall wait for > a better opportunity. > > So making up his mind, Vega sprung off the wall, and landed nimbly on his feet. This may > not have seemed like much, until one looked at the building, and saw that Vega had leapt > from the fourth story, SAMAS: No! Vega, don't do it! You have so much to live for! > without even a slight stumble! This meant nothing to Vega, who could bring down > raging bulls. DANA: Bringing down raging bulls is indeed tightly intertwined with leaping off of tall buildings. All of Spain's finest bullfighters are also free-form skydivers... > He looked back up, and lightly laughed. He wasn't going to just stick his neck out for > the kid. He would wait until escape would be easy. GAVOK: Next, on Cinemax, it's Spanish Slacker Ninjas! > Like Balrog, he didn't care much for Isis. Sagat only cared in that it had allowed him > to finally get his shot at Ryu. DANA: Sagat's at Win Status 10, it seems. MMK: I wish Dan still had the champ belt. That would've been fun. > Unfortunately, an easier opportunity didn't present itself. That first time, was in fact, > the best time to have freed Isis. SAMAS: The night time is the right time! GAVOK: Jingle bell time is a swell time! > Had Bison known, he would have taken a different approach. However, neither he, nor > any of his kings knew that there was a spy in Shadowloo. WAND: So what? Just attack first, and the nines can take a spy. > When they did learn, well, that would be for another time to figure out. Until then, just > about every move that he made would be watched by a very important man to the SF side. GAVOK : Apache Chief? > Finally, Vega realized that he had no choice! It would have to be tonight, or else he > would have to face Bison's wrath for not even attempting to rescue Isis. He didn't like > it at all! Why should he have to risk his perfection for such a, such a -- girl -- DANA: Who was probably just COVERED in cooties. EW! > was more than he could take. It was only with a harsh grudge that he was going to make > his move. MMK: Jiffª. Cleans and shines without harsh grudging. > It seemed that luck was actually going to be on Vega's side tonight! The night is very > overcast, with a heavy storm coming in the distance. It's the chance he was waiting for! > What made it even better was that there was only a man and a woman escorting her! SAMAS: So that's what they call it in these parts. I get you now. > That would be a piece of cake for him--until he saw her escorts. They were WAND: Daredevil and the Black Widow! GAVOK: Baraka and Mileena! DANA: Cecil and Rosa! > Chun Li and Ryu! > > Oh, *&@! Vega thought! GAVOK: #%(! MMK: <8() DANA: @*$% WAND: Fuck. FALC: Spoilsport. > Why the frig did it have to be them? SAMAS: You know, the funny thing is, the author probably thinks that frig is a fairly inoffensive word. GAVOK: Isn't it? SAMAS: Umm... > They were the two strongest warriors there. They were the strongest woman and man, > respectively. MMK : Their Kung-Fu was very strong. The strongest, in fact. They underwent many strong exercises to enable them to be the strongest. They wore clothes of the strongest cloth. Of all the Street Fighters, they had the strongest odour. > I just can't seem to get a break! I want nothing more than to let her rot! I hate these > things! Isis is nothing but trouble! WAND: And so Vega and DJ Jazzy Jeff created their best single to date! > Vega jumped onto a wall, which first alerted them to his presence. SAMAS: Probably wouldn't have happened if Vega didn't wear those wooden clogs. But I'm just sayin'. > Before they could respond, Vega bounced off the wall, and slammed Ryu's skull into > the ground. GAVOK: But the rest of Ryu remained standing. DANA : *That's* going to scar. > Shocked, Chun Li dropped her hold on Isis. Thanking her for her kindness, Isis > lifted her fists, and slammed the shackles into Chun Li's head. > > "Heh! So, did ya miss me, honey?" Vega asked, sarcastically. SAMAS : Yes. You ducked right when I fired. > "Shut up and get this junk off me!" > > "Ah, ah, ah! Where are you manners? Say please!" > > "Vega, please get this junk off me!" MMK: ALL RIGHT! Hot girl-on-girl action! [FALC brings a barbwire-wrapped bat back to swing...then lets it drop] FALC: Girl-on-girl...? WAND: Just let it go, man... just let it go. > she growled, wanting to bash them over his face with the same force she used on > Chun Li. > > Satisfied, Vega took a swipe, DANA: Take two. They're small. > and freed her arms. A second, and her legs were free. He then picked the locks with > his claw, and her hands were free from the cold metal. > > "Hadouken!" yelled Ryu, slamming Vega into Isis, who had just began to work on the > locks on her legs. WAND: Okay, sip for two Street Fighters attacking each other, and another sip for a special move. [ALL sip.] > "Kikoken!" Chun Li shouted, nearly nailing Isis with her fireball. [ALL sip.] > However, Isis shot onto a wall, and nailed Li with a Scissor Kick. WAND: Well, I guess that's a special move... [ALL sip.] > Not waiting for a counter, she rocketed into the air, and stomped hard onto > Chun Li's head, and was going to go for a punch to her face, but Chun Li slammed > Isis to the ground. > > Ryu looked at Vega, surprised that Vega fell so easily. FALC : You would fall so easily... FALC, DANA, SAMAS : So fragile that it frightens me! > He was then surprised, as Vega's legs shot up, and smacked Ryu across the face, as Vega > flipped away to safety. Vega then rolled in, and smacked Ryu before sinking his claw > into Ryu's flesh! > > "Handsome fighters never loose a battle!" MMK: Ah, so *that's* what Pigeoner's been doing wrong! [FALC puts the MMK into the Sky High.] MMK: ...didn't... hurt... > "Whatever!" Ryu then zapped Vega with his electric fireball, sending him down. [ALL sip.] > Isis caught Chun Li with the throw she had learned from Bison, FALC: Um...that's not a throw. [ALL stare at FALC. FALC grins fiercely.] > and took Chun Li down. Isis shot at Chun Li, set for the finish. > > "Stupid girl! ALL: Ahh-ah. You didn't have to fake it. > Kiko-Sho!" yelled Chun Li, [ALL sip.] WAND : I should probably not be drinking tequila. > as an immense bubble surrounded her, and threw Isis all the way across the corridor. FALC: Welcome to the Shadoloo versus game. > Chun Li stood over Isis, and mocked her: "What a wimpy woman! I wonder if there > is a stronger opponent!" MMK: Well, I'm guessing Chun Li isn't undefeated, so yes, there is. > Vega had just managed to leap to the wall. Chun Li was about to do the same, for > she was the only other person who could do that, WAND: Except for Guy. SAMAS: And Gen. GAVOK: And Rolento. FALC: And Strider. DANA: And Felicia. And...we really could do this all night, couldn't we? ALL: Yup. > when Guile had came. > > "Looks like our informant did well again, eh, Vega? Here's a message for your boss. > Hope he finds it most upsetting!" SAMAS: It says, "Your mustache smells like parmesan." WAND : This means WAR! > Vega left, both with a sour feeling of failing, and with bad news for Bison. This > was turning into one bad day after another! > > "WHAT?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN `THE DEADLINE'S CHANGED?!' GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!" Vega was > only too happy, as Bison's powers ripped up the gym! GAVOK: Light a match, man! > He then spoke into an intercom: "Clean-up, to the gym, now! SAMAS : Spill in Aisle Three! > I need a few soldiers here, too! Balrog! Send some men to report to the gym, NOW!" > > For now, my enemies, we'll play this your way. [ALL glance at each other.] DANA: Is he talking to us? > Remember, though, that Bison neither forgives, nor forgets! I will turn this > to my advantage, you can bet your life on it! > > Bison now had 3 days to return the stolen money to the Street Fighters -- > on Isis' life! ALL: KEEP THE MONEY! > Shadowloo - Chapter 6 GAVOK: With a special guest appearance by Jenna Van Oy. > Late that night, Bison slid into bed and stared up at the ceiling. WAND: Y'know, in Britain, they call masturbating "making eyes at the ceiling". Hope this helps. [FALC roars, picks up a steel chair, and throws it at WAND, who ducks.] WAND: Fine. Uncultured heathen. > He was incredibly outraged by Vega's failure at rescuing Isis. SAMAS: Can't imagine why. The last time you sent Vega out, Chun Li knocked him down an elevator shaft. > That was why he had taken matters into his own hands WAND: *See*?! [MMK snickers. FALC growls.] > and had decided to go over there himself -- with a *few* soldiers...just for > good measure. GAVOK : I'm afraid your wall is only 8 soldiers long. We're gonna have to knock it down. > Bison rolled onto his side and gazed thoughtfully at the unnoccupied spot beside > him. MMK: Yeah, I hate rolling onto the wet spot in the middle of the ni-- [FALC, waving a lug wrench, chases the MMK around the theater.] MMK: Whee! > He had invested much in Isis; perhaps, he thought suddenly, too much. DANA: But Mike Milken wouldn't *lie* to him... would he? > Anger flared up within him momentarily, and then disappeared as suddenly as it > had come. He couldn't blame the girl...he just couldn't. MMK: No matter how hard he tried. > He smiled lightly as he recalled the tale of Vega and Isis' little fight against > Chun-Li and Ryu; GAVOK: The Filthy Animals ran in and there was a screwjob finish. Damn Russo. > he remembered hearing from Vega about Isis' perfectly-executed scissor kick. He > had tought her well while she was with him in Shadowloo... SAMAS: Maybe he should start a correspondence course. "Psycho Power... At Home!" I'd take it. > ...the flare of anger welled up again and Bison turned his eyes away from Isis' > empty spot. The girl was, however, no longer in Shadowloo. MMK : But, you know, budget cuts are murder sometimes. What can you do. > THAT was what Bison had to fix. SAMAS: Well, that and the leaky roof. MMK: Oh, so *that*'s the big wet spot on the sheets. [FALC smashes a steel chair over the MMK's head. MMK nosells and makes Masato Tanaka faces at FALC.] > When sleep took over him, his rest was riddled with numerous dreams concerning WAND: His lips falling off and everyone starting to stare. Donuts and hotdogs, flying everywhere. GAVOK: *Ding*! Wanderer 3, MMK 3, Gavok 1. WAND: Better get on the stick, Gav. > gazing into Isis' emerald eyes...and bashing Guile's face in. GAVOK: And the disembodied head of Col. Sanders yelling EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG!! WAND: There you go. MMK: *Ding!* MMK 3, Gavok 2, Wanderer 3. > *** DANA : Star fucker... just like my daddy... > That same night, Isis, alone in her new jail cell, did not sleep at all. She > had been informed that GAVOK : DX is in the arena, HERE TONIGHT! > the paper delivered to Vega by Ryu contained a new deadline for the return of the > stolen 2.5 million: 3 days. MMK : But was that long enough for the Shadowloo Bake Sale to raise the money? WAND: Save the Empire! > That particular bit of news had roused her from the pits of ignorance and SAMAS: ...cast her shrieking into the chasm of despair? FALC: ...tossed her screaming into the canyon of desolation? GAVOK: ...had made her come to terms with the reality of her forthcoming execution? > had made her come to terms with the reality of her forthcoming execution. FALC: Damnit. SAMAS: Close enough. MMK: Looks like you're getting our home game, Jigglypuff. GAVOK: Yeah. You two suck. > But...the Street Fighters wouldn't really kill her, would they? DANA: Hey, they'll kill your friends, your family, and the bitch you took to the prom! SAMAS : Betty Jo Byarsky? I can get you an address on that, if you want. > She knew Chun-Li might, and Guile might, but whatever happened to Guile's words from > the day before: "we are not inhuman monsters!"? MMK: They went on vacation yesterday. Filling in for them while they're gone are the words "die, die, die my darling". What are the odds, huh? > As if the letter hadn't been enough to get her thinking, Isis got some new news > sometime around ten thirty. GAVOK: The dam burst! Run! SAMAS: Alyson Hannigan was on Conan O'Brien's show that night! WAND: Mmm... Alyson Hannigan... SAMAS: Fanboy. > She had been promptly informed that Bison was going to show up the next day, > with they stolen cash, and demanding her release. DANA: Could someone tell me why I'm supposed to be feeling sympathy for Bison? GAVOK: Well, his girlfriend's in prison, and he has to bail her out. DANA: But isn't he a murderous terrorist? GAVOK: Yeah, but he's a murderous terrorist in *love*. DANA: ...have you been skipping your medication? GAVOK: Medication? > Deep down, Isis hardly believed that Bison would get himself into such a position, FALC : I don't remember him being *that* flexible. [ALL stare] FALC: ...what? MMK: You made a hentai comment. [hits FALC with the MMK Doll, with no visible result] A bad one. FALC: ...nuts. > but honestly now...she really had no way of knowing for sure! GAVOK: Her magic 8-ball wasn't working. > For a while, she paced around her cell with a deep frown. With a frustrated cry, > she kicked the bars, nursed her foot, DANA: Wow. She *is* flexible. > then plopped down on the ground. MMK: Hm. GAVOK: Huh. FALC: Eeuch. WAND: Let's never speak of this again. ALL: Agreed. > The more time she spent with the Street Fighters, the worse her dislike for them > increased. MMK: You think that's bad, spend the weekend with Taffy. That guy never shuts up! > she already HATED Chun-Li, and that was clearly obvious. She felt a sick urge to > gouge out Guile's eyeballs everytime he pranced into her jail room FALC: OK, who here is disturbed by the idea of Guile, American Army Boy, prancing into a room? [ALL raise their hand] FALC: Thought so. > in order to give her an oh-so-depressing update on her unkindly situation. Ryu... > she didn't know what to make of the guy. GAVOK: All she knew how to make was an ashtray. WAND : Aura of OOC... overwhelming! > Cammy she didn't see enough of to rank on her hate meter. Sakura was honestly the > only person she could stand...if only the odd little girl would get her head out of > Ryu's ass once in a while. [FALC, MMK, GAVOK, DANA all open their mouths.] WAND: Let's never speak of this either. ALL: Okay. > Isis sighed, "I wanna go back to Shadowloo..." GAVOK: Not until you finish your brussel sprouts! > She pouted and hugged her knees to her chest; she still wore the oversized military > gear she had left in. She thought about Bison and smiled a sedated smile, SAMAS: ...as the Percodan kicked in... > "Miss you, luv." She breathed lightly. As melancholy drifted unto her, DANA : There'll be some melancholy drifting in, but the rest of the weekend should be sunny and warm. Bob? > Isis decided to push the misery back WAND : My head explodes and my body aches... PUSH IT! ALL : Daah-NAAH-naah-NAAH-nah-nah-NAH-nah-nah-nah.. > by thinking of the good times she'd had in the last few weeks. What rose > up in her mind and took prominence were Bison's teachings; her pride had > little diminished since the day when she had MMK: Done the Mario! MMK, GAVOK : Swing... your... arms... from side to side... come on, it's time to go, DO THE MARIO! > thrown Bison across the gym with her knewly-found Psycho Powers. DANA: Her *what* Psycho Powers? GAVOK: Her *knewly-found* Psycho Powers. See, a "knewly" is this large purple Pokemon that puffs smoke and has a face that looks like it's getting head, and i-- SAMAS: You're thinking of a Koffing. GAVOK: Oh. [pauses] Wow. Okay, now I have no idea what "knewly-found" means. > How well she had been rewarded for that stunt! FALC: She got the Double Stuff Oreos. WAND: She got Double Stuffed all right! MMK: Good one. [FALC raises a steel chair, then pauses] FALC: Wait, that doesn't make sense. Double Stuffed would infer... [growls] I hate you guys. [WAND and MMK snicker] > The contemplation of her powers shifted her thoughts over to her botched escape > attempt. She'd almost had it! If only she would have conditioned herself beforehand, > she could have been back in Shadowloo by now! SAMAS: But no, all she had at the time was shampoo. > But now Bison was coming to get her, and she wasn't so sure that the Street > Fighters would let him go after simply returning the stolen money -- which she > doubted he would do anyway. There had to be a way to stop all this from happening! WAND: Nope. He is the antipop. He's the one you cannot stop. > And besides, the Street Fighters had sent some soldiers to Shadowloo GAVOK: ...for Christmas... > as backup when they had first come up with the hostage plan; someone had to stop > them from accomplishing their mission. FALC: And that someone... was DARKWING DUCK! > With that, Isis pulled herself to her feet and moistened her lips, "This is not > over yet, Guile!" She hissed quietly, for everyone in the building was asleep. MMK : Damnit, Isis, shut up! I'm trying to sleep! > She was going to break out of her cell and stay conscious -- this time -- [ALL snicker.] GAVOK: Keep reachin' for the stars, doll! > and then she was going to get to Bison before he got to the Street Fighters! > Just the thought of foiling her enemies' plan made her radiant with energy. WAND: Why, Isis, you're radiant! DANA: You're more beautiful than ever! > No one makes a fool of Isis! SAMAS : I pity the fool who makes a fool of Isis! > She closed her eyes and called upon her powers, DANA : Ring! Ring! MMK : Powers! I need you! Get over here! GAVOK : Oh, geez, can it wait? We're in the middle of a game of Boggle here. > this time making sure to keep her mind alert instead of letting it be shadowded > by the force of her Psycho energy. She worked herself up to the point where she > simply couldn't hold her strength in any longer and then she released it, SAMAS: And she couldn't've waited until we stopped the car? We raised you better than that, Isis! > "AKAYU RAYA!" She screamed, aware of the loudness of her voice (and of its effects > on the sleeping Street Fighters), but she couldn't help it. MMK : I'm sorry, loudness! I can't help you now! > There was a flash of light and a loud explosion, SAMAS : Explosion! Overpowering! Over the competition, I'm towering! FALC: And small chunks of Isis splattered against the bars. ALL: Hooray! > as there had been when she had done it for the first time, WAND: So was it good for you? > and then the bars were gone. MMK : Duh, where am I supposed to drink now? *burp* > "Booyeah!" Isis whooped GAVOK : I got'chu *all* in check! > and darted out of her cell. She felt the sudden surge of fatigue hit her, > but she fought it until it subsided long enough for her to move on. FALC: First, she had minor powers. Then, she could blow down a wall, but she was absolutely exhausted after doing it. Now, not even a day later, she can blow down a wall but remain conscious afterwards. DANA: What's your point? FALC: I'm monitoring her power curve. This isn't going to end well. > When the Street Fighters rushed down to Isis' jail cell to see what was going on, > the young woman had already disappeared. WAND : Well, shit. She *did* look a lot like Rex Reed's wife, but I didn't think... > "She's gone!" Guile cried, angry beyond his wildest dreams. MMK: Even beyond that dream when he was taking that test in biology wearing only Charlie's dog tag. GAVOK: I did not need to hear that. > Chun-Li turned on Ryu, MMK: But than again, a *lot* of people turned Ryu on. He couldn't help it, he was just t-- [FALC shoots MMK in the forehead with a staple gun] MMK: Oww. > "Why weren't you guarding her like you were SUPPOSED to?!" She screamed. FALC : You've made my... SHITLIST! > Ryu swatted her aside and grinded his teeth, "If you don't shut up, Chun-Li, > you're gonna be wishing my foot was ORIGINALLY part of your ass." GAVOK: Good line. Horrifically out of character, but good line nonetheless! > Sakura was gawking at the blasted bars, "She did it again! Why'd she do > it AGAIN?! SAMAS: Well, you're holding her for ransom and you left her without a guard, you git. > And what are we gonna do about tomorrow?" She complained to Guile. GAVOK : The same thing we do every night, Sakura: try to take over the world! > Guile shook his head and took a deep breath, MMK, GAVOK: HEAD! HEAD! HEAD! HEAD! > "We don't do anything about tomorrow, Sakura." He answered, "Everything > will happen just as planned; if Bison wants to see Isis, then we'll have > to force him to hand over the cash first. That's all...just a little trickery... > I'm sure he's used to it.". ALL : You better get used to it... bay-bay-ay-ay... > Ryu stared dumbly at Guile, DANA : How does his hair *do* that? > "Do you realize what kind of mess we'll all be in when Bison realizes that we > haven't got Isis?" He asked and raised an eyebrow. GAVOK : I'm gonna take that stupid haircut, comb it up real nice, turn that sonovabitch sideways, and shoryuken it way up your candy ass! > Guile shrugged, "Not really. The trick is getting the cash from Bison; once we do > that, we can tell him that we haven't got Isis. It won't really matter to him... > think about it; where do you all think Isis is going now that she's free? Bison > will get what he wants in the end... MMK: Oh, for fuck's sake. Is this a slash fic now? FALC: I will rip off your arms. MMK: Lighten up. > it'll just have cost him the 2.5 million he stole. But we HAVE to get the money > from him FIRST." He explained with a satisfied smirk. GAVOK : I don't get it. WAND : Smile and nod, Ryu. GAVOK : Okay. [smiles and nods] ...I still don't get it. > *** SAMAS: And here we see the constellation "Scenechange"! And to the left of it is Pluto! > This has to be the worst day of my life! I can't believe I'm actually down here, > doing this! I guess that going down, through the sewers is better than death...at least > there's solid concrete to walk on, and I only have to smell this trash, not swim in it. FALC : This is the world's smallest violin, playing for all the Isises of the world. > "At least it smells better than you, Chun Li!" she yelled, more to try and get > her mind off the nasty odor than anything else. DANA: Never mind that making a whole bunch of noise is the WORST POSSIBLE THING YOU CAN DO WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO ESCAPE FROM SOMEW-- GAVOK : Wow! That's the biggest vein I've ever seen! > She had no idea as to where they would take her, just so long as it was away from > the ones she hated, and back into the arms of the man she knew she loved. MMK: Dan Rather. > Although there was still some overshadowing doubts regarding his feelings for her, > she felt certain that he loved her too. Why else would he have taken the time to > train her personally? FALC: He took a *week*, babe. Just enough rope to hang yourself with... > Then, he was going to risk capture, just to get her back. Then, and most > importantly, was that they shared the same bed. SAMAS: I'll bet you regret hogging the pillow *now*, don't you? > If that didn't... > > "I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! GAVOK: IT'S ONLY NINETY-NINE CENTS FOR *ALL CALLS UP TO TWENTY MINUTES*! > I'M AT A DEAD END!" Isis yelled, frustrated that she now had to backtrack through > this foul place. MMK: Yeah, the Alternate Hospital's a killer. WAND: ...and the sewers. Let's not think about the sewers. [shudders] > Then again, maybe not, she thought, as she saw something that looked like steps. > It was steps! DANA: Why didn't she just look for them in the first place? > Now, to see if this would lead her to freedom. WAND: It leads her to freedom! SAMAS: This is the way! > Well, it lead to a manhole, with a lid that must have been sealed like an old tomb! > How long she spent trying to budge it, she didn't know. It felt like it had been > years! [MMK runs into a shadowy corner of the room] MMK : Actually, it was only two minutes. [MMK darts back out of the corner and into his seat, than acts amazed and points to the corner] MMK: The Shadow knows! > What was worse was that her stomach was growling violently, demanding > a decent meal, SAMAS : A decent meal, or the pancreas gets it! DANA : Oh, please, no! He's got a gun! > something she knew she hadn't had in hours, as she had spent a lot of > time underground. WAND: Me too. The Mockingbird Underground. Nice knickknack shop. > "Well, looks like I'll have to rely on my Psycho Powers, again. [ALL drink.] > Let's hope I have the strength to do this...what I wouldn't give for even a > slice of pizza!" GAVOK : What would you do for a Klondike bar? > As hard as she tried, she couldn't bring up enough energy to summon her powers. > It was only with a strain that she was able to hold onto the steps, making sure she > didn't fall down the tunnel, after exerting so much into the futile attempt at moving > what could have been the entire world to her. > > Her mind drifted, MMK : Wheee! > and she thought back to recent events. She thought back to her dream she had just had, SAMAS: The one where you're naked in the grocery checkout lane? DANA: Oh, yeah, I hate that one. > a dream that she unknowingly had shared with Bison! WAND : A pair of comfortable running shoes you can also wear out to dinner. > She also thought back to how she had almost escaped with Vega, had it not > been for Chun Li! > > "Damn you, Chun Li! GAVOK : YOU BLEW IT UP! YOU MANIAC! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU TO HELL! > If you weren't such a bitch, I wouldn't be in this sewer! FALC: That's right, Isis, play the blame game. > I would be where I belong, in Shadowloo!" Suddenly, Isis felt as if her entire > body was on fire! WAND : In a *sewer*? Seeya, Thailand... > She opened her eyes, and saw a ghastly aura around her; her aura! She could feel > a power she had never even dreamed existed within her! DANA: The Power of Plot Contrivances! Of course! > Now, the scrap above her head would be moved! She flipped herself upside-down, > curled herself into a ball, and it happened! SAMAS : She found the Maru Mari? > "HELL-BLAZER!" she yelled, SAMAS: KIKOKEN! GAVOK: GADOKEN! WAND: POWER... GEYSER! MMK: HOUOU KYAKU! ATITTITTITTITTITTATITTITTITTAAAA*CHAAAA*! FALC: FINAL... ATOMIC... BUSTAH! DANA: ...um... Ultima? MMK: Close enough. > as her knees were at her chest, and then shot into, and through the manhole, SAMAS: Her *knees* were? MMK : *That*'s going to sting later. > with the force of the move taking her just out of the hole, while the cover itself > shot several yards away, and was bent in half! DANA: She dropped a bomb. Isis *is* Samus Aran. > Too weak from such a burst of power, she could only roll away from the foul odor > of the sewers. FALC: ...and now, she can blow down a wall, run around in the sewers for an afternoon, and has enough left in her to blow the hell out of a manhole cover. Interesting. > While resting, she lifted her head, GAVOK: And OPENED HER HEART TO THE YUMMY LIGHT! > and could just see the Street Fighters HQ a few blocks away. She had done it! Now, > she needed to rest, before she could... > > "I say that Bison has gone soft! WAND: Get the fluffer in here! > He actually cares for this Isis girl! The old Bison would waste her!" SAMAS: And while children in Africa don't have an Isis of their own. > "That's big talk, Vega!" Balrog answered, "I would be careful, though." GAVOK : You left your king wide out in the open. Sagat's knight could have you in a couple moves. > "Now why is that? Bison isn't here, and Isis can't do anything about it!" FALC: It's hammer time! MMK: Fear the Sledgehammer of Irony (tm), puny mortals! > "No matter, Vega! Do not underestimate any opponent." WAND : Even Dan? FALC : HAHAHAHA! Okay, maybe not. > "Bah! If she was here, right now, I'd make her kiss my feet!" MMK : And how are you going to do that? GAVOK : Draw lips on them. MMK : Ooh. Good plan. > "Interesting challenge! You going to carry it out, or just talk, like always!" > > The three turned at her voice, and were all surprised to see Isis, alive and well. > They could also feel a power in her, similar, but not as strong, as Bison's! FALC : Yet it didn't matter, because she's *too weak to stand*... > "You know it, baby! You've been caught twice! SAMAS: But you've gotta catch 'em all! > You've been beaten into the ground so many times, it sickening! When this is over, > you will be begging to, just to end it!" WAND : Forgot what I was about to, going to say there for a minute. > Without even waiting for a reply, he took a swipe at her with his claw, drawing > red from across her gut. MMK: Ooh, Crayola claws! I need to get me some of those. > He then slid, and took her off her feet. He the smashed his foot into her face. GAVOK : Look! There's lips on it! Kiss it! Kiss it! > "Enough, Vega! We must inform Bison that Isis is free! You've proved your point! > It's over!" MMK : This fight... is *not* over... > "Sagat! I didn't know you cared! I thought you thought she was a nothing as well. > Let us be rid of this pest! SAMAS : Human germ! > Since neither of you have the nuts to, I will!" GAVOK : You know, that reminds me. Did you know Bison only had one ball? People say "That Bison had a lot of balls." Nope. Only one. > "Um, Vega," Balrog started, but it was too late! MMK: The bakery was closed. > With both of her hands, she knocked Vega's foot off. GAVOK : Was Isis a hidden character in Bloodstorm? WAND: Apparently so. > Then without even thinking about it, she bent down for a mere second, and a > spark exploded from her eyes. > > "HELL-BLAZER!" she yelled, for the second time, DANA: ...and in London, John Constantine looked up. > a combination of rapid kicks and fire blasting into all of Vega's front side, breaking > his claw. FALC: I'm not trying to instill a sense of logic here, but just exactly how many times can you use an overpowered attack that requires almost all of your energy, and seconds later act like nothing's wrong? SAMAS: Apparently, as many times as you want, provided you're an author-created character. MMK: Funny how all it did was break Vega's claw, though. > "Lucky...hit. It was...your last..." Vega chocked between breaths, as he tried to > get back up. GAVOK : Spock... help me. > Isis's boot crashed upon his throat, effectively pinning him to the ground. MMK, GAVOK: Tap out, Vega! Tap out! > All three of them stared at her in shock, for she now had a dark aura that seemed > to rival Bison's! DANA : I bet my aura can beat up your aura! > "I think I've made my point! FALC : I'm implausibly powerful and I keep getting moreso for no good reason! SAMAS : It tastes *just like* butter! > Now, we have a lot to do! Balrog, you and Vega gather up all of the men who were > present upon my initial coming! WAND : So, the camera crew, the pizza guy, the Brothers Dark, Ron Jeremy, the key grip, Chyna... MMK: Chyna isn't a man. WAND: That has not been proven to my satisfaction. > It's time we found out who this spy was." GAVOK : If it's the black one, I'll send the white one after him. And vice versa. > "What do you want me to do, Isis?" > > Isis smiled, already thrilled with her newly earned respect. DANA : You love me! You really love me! > "You shall help me prepare to get Bison back here--make all the needed preparations! FALC : Turn on the Bison-signal! > As for me, I need to clean up, and then get something to eat." > > Unknowingly to Bison, the woman he loved, and who he was risking his entire empire > for, was already free from his enemies! > > "Isis, darling; I'll rip open Guile, WAND : With my razor-sharp wit... > and any other of those fools to have you returned to me safely! I may even do that > anyway!" GAVOK : Because, Jesus, I'm so eeevil. MMK : And I knowww that I'm right! Jesus, I've been so eeevil... allll my-y life! > Shadowloo - Chapter 7 GAVOK: Seventh inning stretch. [Everyone gets up and stretches.] > When Bison and his soldiers stepped into the same room as the Street Fighters, everyone > became uneasy. DANA: Because nobody, and absolutely nobody, messed with Bison when he wanted a mocha. > At the other end of the room, Chun-Li was being rigidly held back by a frowning Ryu; > the woman desperately wanted a shot at Bison, but today was not the day she would be > getting it. MMK : You'll be facing Bison at Smackdown and Vega is going to be the guest referee! GAVOK : No, dammit, it's MY TIME! You'll have to get past me to get to Bison! > With a scowl, Bison motioned for two men to remain by the door -- weapons ready, then > he turned around and eyed his enemies resentfully. He had to remind himself over and > over why it was that he was there that day, GAVOK : Must. Find. Man. Must. Find. Man. Must. Find. Man. > because several personal conflicts concerning all the Street Fighters caused him to > get all worked up. WAND: He feels *randy*! Randy randy randy! > However, when he layed his eyes on Guile, one thought overshadowed all the others: SAMAS : Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing? > the scum-sucking puss ball had taken Isis! FALC : You're a bunch of scum! You scum. > "So good to see you, General." Guile purred, holding Bison's gaze steadily. He > unconsciously measured the amount of space between himself and the clearly enraged > dictator. DANA : Hmm... enough for another bedroom and a half-bath. > Who was he kidding?! SAMAS: Billy the Kid. > There would NEVER MMK, GAVOK: E-e-e-ever! > be enough space between himself and Bison! FALC : See this line on the floor? That side of the line is your part of the room. This side is mine. > Bison sneered, "Save your breath, Guile." He spat vindictively then narrowed his > eyes, "You have taken something you should not have and now I want it back. WAND : I *WILL* have the cookies from the cookie jar! > Release Isis NOW." > > Guile let a short burst of nervous laughter escape his throat, "Kind of like > when you took Charlie, isn't it?" He remarked insolently. DANA : Will you let that go?! Jeez! > "Do not play games with me." Bison growled, "I am NOT in the mood. MMK: Not even for phone tiddlywinks? > Now release Isis." He repeated pointedly. > > "Do you have the money?" Sakura asked, poking her head around from behind Guile. WAND : So that was what caused all those stomach aches. > She had noticed that the General wasn't carrying anything on his arrival...all > he had seemingly brought with him were a bunch of armed guards. FALC: He's in training for the American Strongman competition. DANA : Necks are for sissies! > Bison glared at the young girl momentarily then made a hand gesture over his > shoulder. SAMAS: Same to you, buddy! > A soldier stepped into the room with an armored suitcase; he quickly opened the > package MMK : Is that what I think it is? GAVOK : It sure is. SAMAS : What is it? MMK : It's a big glowing green thing! WAND : ...and you see, the suitcase holds Bison's soul, because Bison has a bandage on the back of his neck. DANA: Ah, I see. > and showed the money within...which was actually counterfeit. Bison would never > return the stolen 2.5 million, not when he FALC: ...had spent it on beer and pizza. > could do it another way! > > Too nervous and uncomfortable to ask Bison if the money was real or not, WAND: Guile had accidentally left his spine at home. > or to even THINK of doing so, Guile proceeded with the interview, MMK : What're your thoughts about your upcoming title shot, Bison? GAVOK : Jus' so long as them homeless pieces of trash keep off of the Rock's freshly mowed lawn, the Rock couldn't care less where them jabronies were sleeping. MMK: Um, Mr. Bison? You're holding the wrong ca-- GAVOK: IT DOESN'T *MATTER* IF THE GREAT ONE IS HOLDING THE WRONG CARD! > "Hand over the money and Isis is yours." He stated firmly and held out his hand. DANA: This is where eBay gets a little tricky. > Bison gestured with his hand and the soldier holding the money closed the suitcase > with a snap, "I think not, Guile." He replied curtly, "Hand over the girl first.". GAVOK : Nuh-huh! Same time! > *** ALL : ...oohh...Kelly watch the staaaarrrs... Kelly watch the starsss... the stars... the stars... > Back in Shadowloo, Isis revelled in the blissful feeling of warm water flowing > over her body, "This...is...grrrreeeeaaaat." She mumbled to herself. DANA: Isis IS Tony the Tiger! > A shower had never felt so good! MMK: Well, that's because of where you're aiming the "pulse" setURRRK! [FALC grabs MMK and crucifix powerbombs him.] > She was finally home, away from Chun-Li and Guile and those other freaks. Half of > her goal had already been reached, now all that remained was to alert Bison of her > escape! He was probably already at the SF's headquarters... SAMAS:... and was already working on turning off the tractor beam that held his ship prisoner. DANA: SAMAS, it's the *SF's* headquarters. You're thinking of the *Empire's* headquarters. SAMAS: Dammit, SF sounds like Sith, and Darth Vader was a-- ALL: We know. > but had he brought the stolen 2.5 million? That didn't seem like something he > would do, and it definately wasn't something SHE would do either! Bison must > have gone without it... GAVOK : Crap! My Shadowloo Express card! > When her shower was over, she reluctantly put some real clothes WAND, MMK: *grnngf* > on and hurriedly ate some cold meat WAND, MMK: *GRNNNGF*! GAVOK: Urk... shades of PJ... > to soothe her grumbling stomach. Vega and Balrog should return soon with the men > who were present during my initial capture, she figured, getting up from her chair > and heading towards the nearest intercom. > > It thrilled her to yell into the intercom instead of hearing Bison do so, DANA : Attention, students in wood shop! You're wasting your lives!! > and it must have been a change for the others working at the base to hear a new > voice thundering through the halls! WAND : Good evening, homeboys and black girls, beatboys and beat girls, parents and politicians... > "VEGA! Get your Spanish ass over here, NOW!" MMK : You heard her, ass. Get over there. SAMAS : But I don't wanna! > *** GAVOK : We all wanna be big, big stars, but we got different reasons for that... > At the sound of Bison's strict demand, Chun-Li flipped out, WAND : We're. Out. Of. Chipburgers. > "For once in your life do what you're told you jackass!" She cried, her voice shrill. > Ryu twisted her arm back as Bison's gaze set annoyedly on Chun-Li; there was no way > a fight was going to occur that day! DANA: The continuing adventures of Ryu: OOC Shotokan. MMK: Ah... reminds me of my old school days... SAMAS: That must've been some weirdass school. With, like, supernatural martial artists and stuff. MMK: You obviously never went to school in Canada. WAND: Rival Schools: United by Hockey. > "I'm sorry Chun-Li, I didn't understand that last comment." Bison purred, "You see... > I don't speak loser." GAVOK: Nice, snappy, and effective. 8.2. MMK: He didn't mention cheesy poofs. 9.3. DANA: Horrifically out of character. 4.1. FALC: It sucked. 0. > He grinned evilly. It was proper payback for the aggravation she had caused Isis! DANA: Yeah! Don't hurt her or shoot her or kill her! Insult her! > The overlord of Shadowloo watched contentedly as Chun-Li spun out out Ryu's > grasp and ran from the room, then errupted in wicked laughter. SAMAS : You beast. You hurt her feelings. WAND: Incidentally, why is *Bison* the confident one? He's got a bunch of armed mooks, yes, but he's staring down five incredibly powerful people who want to kick his ass. FALC: The Street Fighters probably have baggy eyes. > Guile smashed his fist on the table behind him, "That's enough, Bison!" He > snapped irritably, "Now hand over the money!". GAVOK : You can't handle the money! > "Wrong again, Guile." Bison snapped after his hysterics were cut short, > "Isis comes first.". [WAND and MMK snicker] MMK: That's not what she told *us*, lugan. > Ryu groaned, thinking: he'll never give! FALC : How much more pain can a single man take? He's a monster! > For the second time, Sakura popped her head out from behind Guile WAND: I thought that was supposed to be *Ryu's* ass -- > (she did NOT pop her head out from Guile's behind, like you may be thinking), WAND: -- ah. Thanks, story. GAVOK: Damn you for ruining a good joke, story! > "The cash, Bison! Or Isis dies!" She declared loudly. DANA : Well, there it goes. Sakura's finally shed her last bit of character. MMK : Will she become a beautiful butterfly now? DANA: No. MMK: Rats. > At the sound of those words, Bison's eyes flared and he strode angrily towards > Sakura, "Isis will not be the one who will be doing the dying, little girl!" WAND: Aaaaigh! He's suddenly in character! Run! > He shouted as Sakura grasped Guile's shoulders and used him as a human shield > against the oncoming General. Guile put his hand out when Bison came too close; SAMAS: Thus utilizing the ancient "hand-on-the-forehead-to-hold-them-away" technique. > the warlord was within an inch of Guile's face, "Would you miss the little > wench? Would ya? Would ya?" He asked, infuriated, FALC : Only if my rifle was misaligned... DANA: Well, maybe a little. He'd have to get a new Saturday night thing. > then pushed himself away from the other man as he remembered the true purpose > of the visit. WAND : Hi, I'm Michael Bison, and I'm with the Church of Mormon. > There was a lengthy silence between everyone in the room at that moment. Finally, > Bison figured that it didn't matter all that much if he gave the cash over first GAVOK, MMK: IT DOESN'T MATTER IF HE GAVE THE CASH OVER FIRST! > -- it WAS counterfeit after all! But if they didn't give him Isis in return, > he would administer that beating he so severely craved. DANA: Is it a prescription beating, or an over-the-counter? > He snapped his fingers and the soldier holding the suitcase came forward, then > walked over to Guile and handed it to him; Guile seemed caught off-guard but > accepted the cash and threw it back at Ryu for safekeeping. > > Behind Guile, Sakura began to quiver; she knew what would come next... DANA : This is the scene where we see Dennis Franz's ass. > "Bring Isis to me." Bison ordered sharply, the unhappy sneer returning to his face. MMK : Goddammit! Did I miss anything?! > Ryu groaned again. WAND : Oh, Chun Li, your technique *is* the besWHAA! [FALC grabs WAND by the face and throws him across the theater. WAND hits the back wall and slides down.] SAMAS: Good shot. FALC : Fair. > A flush came over Guile's face then, "I'm afraid I can't do that, Bison." He choked. SAMAS : I traded her for two Dans and a Dhalsim. > This was the moment of truth! > > Bison took a step forward and grasped Guile's collar, "Excuse me?" He asked, DANA : ...but would you like to buy a sock monkey? [WAND returns to his seat, rubbing the back of his head.] > infuriated once more; all he wanted was to see Isis, was that so difficult to > understand?! Guile swallowed, "You heard me! I don't have the girl!" He shouted, > gripping his assailant's hand. GAVOK : I have *a* girl! Sakura! Dress up like Isis! > Bison cried out in frustration and threw Guile back across the table, WAND : Read 'em and weep, losers. MMK : Hold on. Does a straight flush beat a Guile? WAND : Dammit. > "WHERE IS SHE?!" He hollered, feeling his anger rise like the sea. FALC: Now, in any other fanfiction, here's where the Street Fighters whup the crap out of Bison... > Sakura, who had been exposed when Guile had been thrown, ran away from Bison and > hid behind Ryu. Ryu stared at the scene expressionlessly. FALC: ...*but*... GAVOK: At least Ryu's expressionless. That's something. > "You should be proud of her, Bison; I'm sure all your dishonest and evil teachings > have played a part in her stunt." Guile said quietly, getting up and pointing a > finger at Bison. The General raised an eyebrow questioningly, "What stunt?" He asked. SAMAS : She's jumping over three school buses on a motorcycle. > Guile smiled cynically, "She's ESCAPED, you imbecile!" He shouted violently. GAVOK: Booger head! Booger dummy imbecile head! > That was all Bison needed to hear. He grinned maliciously and laughed in triumph; WAND: Was the authors' store of adjectives going bad, or something? > he was indeed proud of Isis! Now all he had to do was to return to Shadowloo... > "I thank you for your time, Guile." He purred and motioned for his guards to stand > down; MMK : Sorry, sir, that's impossible. We could stand *up*... > he turned around and headed towards the exit, "And yes, I AM proud of > Isis." He called over his shoulder, just as he left the room along with his soldiers. DANA: Hey, wait... if Bison's such an evil genius, shouldn't he be trying to get the money back, if for no other reason than to convince the Street Fighters that it's the real money? After all, he just peacefully submitted to extortion... WAND: Weren't you the one telling me to not think about this? > *** SAMAS: There are a hundred things you could do with a hundred bullets... > Isis wasn't sure which she loved more: her new, unquestioned and unopposed > authority she now had over Shadowloo, GAVOK: ...or beef jerky. It's a tough decision. > a level that none other than Bison himself had--or her newfound ability to > control her Psycho Powers, [ALL sip.] WAND : Heh. She's a Psycho. Sie Kensou would whup her ass. MMK: Do you have to get drunk *every* time you're in this theater? WAND : *Yes*. > without passing out! Along with the second, she had also created a new move, > one that had allowed her to turn the tide in a fight against Vega! > > That vain, male, pig...and that's being nice to him! I almost hope he tries > something again! This time, I'll break him where it hurts most! [ALL but the MMK wince.] MMK: Y'know, Vega does sound like a castrato. You might want to reconsider that. > I'll...she stopped as she felt a new, strange feeling wash over her. GAVOK: Puberty? [SAMAS shudders.] > She suddenly saw herself with Bison, as he was...negotiating with the Street > Fighters for her release. WAND: Oh, I see. She got into the opium. > At first, she almost puked at the thought. Then, she caught a thought from him-- > it was counterfeit! FALC: So where were his real thoughts? DANA: His safe deposit box. FALC: Makes sense. > She then caught a feeling of Bison's anger, as he learned that she was no longer > there! Then, he turned to leave! He was... DANA: ...furious? SAMAS: ...proud? FALC: ...out of character? WAND: ...Raul Julia's last role? MMK: ...the fourth Powerpuff Girl? GAVOK: ...Manuel Noriega's stunt double? > "Excuse us, Isis. Sagat sends word that they have nearly rounded up all of the > suspects." GAVOK : Good. We'll finally find out who ate my brownies! > "I am sorry, ladies. Do not think that just because you are women, I will treat > you differently." MMK: What's Jeff Jarrett doing here? > Each had a confused look on their face. Then, before either knew what happened, WAND : Urgh! Hot three-girl action! > two knives pierced their hearts, MMK : Knife through the heart, baby, you're to blame... > dropping each to the ground, dead. > > "No one ever interrupts me and my thoughts about Bison! Doing so invites > death! FALC: Well, if you'd been saying that aloud, maybe they'd've known that, Isis. SAMAS: Well, there ya go. She's officially a bigger badass than Bison now. We've got Mary Sue. GAVOK: It's not often that you see people actually build up to it. > Ah, to also have his ability to manipulate inanimate objects. DANA: You mean how he *picks them up*? > Bison's stooges would die of shock! SAMAS: No, apparently they would die of stab wounds, you nutcase. > Thanks again, luv! I bet you didn't think I had caught that extra assignment. > Wonder if I'll get any 'extra credit' for completing that test!" WAND: Well, the final exam *is* oral... [FALC grumbles.] > It would not be until much later that it would be learned that the bond > the two shared was more complex, on several different levels. MMK: Whips, chains, leather, *and* ball gags! > They could, in fact, share parts of their thoughts with each other, WAND : Sex. Help! 4 times 5 is 30. 5 times 6 is 32. Naked girls. Naked women. Naked Isis. Oh, stop me! DANA : God, Bison, is that all you think about? WAND : Actually... 'bye! [WAND gets up and runs to the side of the theater.] > even over extreme distances, as they were now. What she had caught, was, > in reality, FALC: The first pitch of the new season! Play ball! > his meeting with the Street Fighters. > > "Isis. You are here. We await your orders." WAND : We're slaves to your will, ma'am! SAMAS: That's an odd thing for a map to say on it. > "Good, Sagat. Let us proceed at once!" > > "Are these all? I had thought there to be more, Vega." DANA : Look, you can't find Weatherlight cards *anywhere* anymore. > "Do you doubt me?" > > "Isis! Isis!" hollered Balrog. MMK: Ooh! Ooh! Mr. Kottah! > "What!" she said in such a voice, revealing the fire in her eyes, that Balrog > almost fell over his own feet. DANA : I ate my worm. Can I have another? WAND : Just go to sleep, Balrog. DANA : Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a Viking! > "There are two of the men I was suppose to seek--who are now missing..." SAMAS : Yes, Isis. Now, what do you think that means? > "FIND THEM!" she yelled, without waiting for anything more. SAMAS: *That's* right! Good girl, Isis! Gold star! > Instantly, Shadowloo was alive with the search for the two men, both now prime > suspects as to being spies. > > Odd, Isis thought. From the idea I got from Guile, there was only one spy. > Maybe that is why the spy had been so hard to find...there were two of them! WAND: Jean-Claude van Damme and... Jean-Claude van Damme! > This way, they were able to cover for each other. > > No, I don't think Guile or any of the others are smart enough for that! Well, Ryu > may be, as may Cammy. However, they didn't seem to have much pull, so it was > doubtful that such an idea would work. The question now was... GAVOK: Who is better than Kanyon?! MMK: Nobody! GAVOK: NO! NO! The answer is... wait, what did you say? MMK: Nobody! GAVOK: They love me! > "Whaaat!" Isis yelled, tripping over something. SAMAS: Our supervillain protagonist, ladies and gentlemen. > It was a body! One of the missing troops! > > "So, it seems that at least this spy has some brains. FALC : And they're on my shoe. > He attempted to throw us off with this scheme." > > "Isis!" Balrog hollered over an intercom, "We have the spy pinned down in the West > Wing's communications tower. DANA : His name is Shinichiro Kaneko, and he's *literally* pinned down... > Oh, and Bison will be arriving shortly." > > Most interesting, she mused. I can hardly wait to meet the jerk that has made my > life so miserable lately. Perhaps, I shall give him the pleasure I was going to > save for Vega, MMK: ...a table dance... GAVOK: For *Vega*? What the hell kind of torture is *that*? MMK: He's a prancing fop in tights with braided hair. Figure it out. FALC: I will crush your spine. MMK: Whatever. > should the scum try to bubble up again! WAND: She hates the fact that Vega is allergic to bees. > Shadowloo - Chapter 8 > > A grim expression painted on her delicate features, Isis GAVOK: ...looked a lot like a member of the Misfits. > strode through the brightly-lit halls of Shadowloo Base, cursing the fact that she > did not possess the capacity to translocate herself as Bison could. SAMAS : You stupid fact! A curse on you! > Four soldiers accompanied her; two leading the way and two following close behind. FALC : You scum better have your hall pass! WAND: Isis, the new hall monitor in "Funky Winkerbean". > This was the most fun she'd had in her entire life! MMK : I like to curse! Damn damn damn! > She was well-protected, respected, SAMAS: ...dejected... FALC: ...inspected... DANA: ...elected... MMK: ...corrected... WAND: ...resurrected... GAVOK: ...and one bad mutha shut-yo-mouth. > and even feared by her subordinates; WAND: Wow, we weren't even *close*. > it had never felt so good to be alive! GAVOK: Not even when she was playing S.T.U.N. Runner? I don't believe it. > If the price to pay for such bliss had been to spend a few days in captivity, > then she was happy she had payed. > > Isis caught a reflection of herself in the steel side-panelling of a door as > she walked by it. MMK : I caught it! I caught my reflection! > She admired what she saw; MMK : And I'm *cute*! > she wore snug-fitting military gear that advantaged her in every way. SAMAS: There was a scholarship in the pocket and a house in the suburbs sewn into the hem. > The finishing touch was, of course, the shiny gun that hung at her waist; DANA: She does know how to accessorize. I'll give her that. > Isis considered using it against the unlucky spy who had ruined her life, > but then decided against it when she heard MMK: "Snoopy vs. the Red Baron" by the Royal Guardsmen. ALL : Ten, twenty, thirty, fourty, fifty or more! That bloody red baron was rollin' up the score... > Bison would be returning to the Base. She would destroy the spy with her > bare hands ALL : I can do it with my own bare hands! > -- it would be the most perfect way to show off to the General! SAMAS: Actually, that'd be something slinky and lacy. DANA: Sam, are you... SAMAS: I've been in the theater with those two too long. MMK: A conversion! WAND: Double points! [MMK and WAND high-five.] > Bison...Isis trembled with anticipation to see him again. She had so much to show him; MMK: Now that she'd suppressed her gag reflex, the sky was the limit! > he would be so proud of her! > > Finally she would be back along side of the one who shared her view of the world. WAND: No, you're thinking of Hiernoymous Bosch. Bison's just the guy you're doinking. > She got to her destination, the West Wing's communications tower, a little while later. > > *** ALL : I feel like a star... I feel like a star... > Back at the GAVOK: ...Hall of Justice... FALC : It's the Trouble Alert! > Street Fighter's headquarters, the crew eagerly gathered around Ryu, who WAND: ...had on this little black lace number and was making "come hither" motions. [FALC throws a steel chair at WAND's face. WAND ducks, and the chair hits DANA in the side of the head, knocking him into SAMAS and putting both of them through the table that was set up a half a second beforehand by MMK and GAVOK.] GAVOK: That was cool. WAND: You okay, Dana? DANA: ...just...kill me... > held the suitcase containing the stolen 2.5 million -- now returned! > > "Lemme see! Lemme see!" Sakura cried, bounding out from behind Ryu; GAVOK: How many times are they going to hand this joke to us? > roughly, Ryu pulled the suitcase away from the young girl's out-reaching hands. SAMAS : Hey! DANA : Fuck you! I'm going to Vegas! > Ryu carefully opened the suitcase, expecting an explosive device to be planted > in there (even though he had clearly seen the contents of the case when Bison's > soldier had opened it for the SF to see). FALC: He was pretty stupid like that sometimes. > Luckily, there was no such thing in there; SAMAS: Nope! No bomb! GAVOK : Oh, well, *that's* a reli-- SAMAS: Tear gas! That way, we get the suitcase back! GAVOK : Aaaigh! > Guile came closer and Chun-Li popped her head out from beyond the hall door. DANA: From beyond the valley of the doors? > "Is it all there?" Guile asked, sighing contentedly; WAND : Every last inch, baby. FALC: RRRARRRGGGHHH!! [FALC picks up WAND, powerbombs him through his seat, and tosses him into the back row.] WAND: Yes! I'm so liquored up I don't feel pain! Woo hoo! > the money had at last been returned! > > Ryu gently flipped through the large amount of bundled bills, absently flicking > away Sakura's fingers now and then. WAND : Hands off the Li'l Ryu, kiddo. MMK : But Ryu, *teach me*! > Chun-Li drew nearer to Ryu and shoved Sakura out of the way. SAMAS : Hey! DANA : Fuck you! *I'm* going to Vegas! > "I think so..." Ryu said after a while; then, a frown appeared on his face. > > "What is it?" Guile asked, watching worriedly as Ryu began to closely examine > a single thousand dollar bill. MMK : These things are all *purple*. Hasn't anyone else noticed this? DANA : Well, uhh... SAMAS : Y'see... FALC : I, well... GAVOK : No. I mean, uhh... MMK : Oi. > Ryu said nothing. WAND: Marking the first time he's been in character the whole story. > "What's up?" Sakura piped. MMK : Funny you should ask, babe... FALC: But that's n... AAARGH! [FALC tosses a steel chair to MMK, MMK ducks, GAVOK catches the steel chair.] GAVOK: Huh? [FALC spin-kicks the chair into GAVOK's face, breaking his nose.] GAVOK: OWW! By dofe! By dofe! I vink by dofe if woken! FALC: Missed. My bad. > Still no answer from the growingly concerned-looking Ryu. > > "For God's sakes say something Ryu!!!" Chun-Li yelled finally, tugging on the > man's sleeve. GAVOK : Dobvig Wyu. > Ryu's hands dropped the bill SAMAS: As opposed to his toes doing it. > and he stared ahead blankly, "It's all fake...it's counterfeit." He declared > finally as the room went silent. FALC: Well, yes, Ryu, *thousand-dollar bills* in *Thailand* usually *are*... > Chun-Li kicked a chair off to the side and grasped at her hair, WAND: But just couldn't quite find it. > "That BASTARD!!!" She screamed at the top of her lungs. GAVOK : He kiwwed Kerry! > Sakura started to laugh and then Guile slapped her in the back of the head, DANA : Wise guy, eh? Nyuk nyuk. > "We should have expected something like this." He said dully. DANA : You're a dull boy, Guile. > *** ALL : Well, it's all that you are, you're just one shining star... > When Bison got back to Shadowloo Base, the first thing he did was to get to > an intercom, "Isis! Give me your location!" MMK : You want my location? [GAVOK reaches to take it, MMK pulls his hand away.] MMK : Can't have it. GAVOK : Hey! MMK : Whoa. Okay. Want my location? [MMK holds his hand out, GAVOK stares at it for a second, MMK rolls his eyes, GAVOK reaches his arm out, MMK pulls his hand away.] MMK : IT DOESN'T *MATTER* IF YOU WANT MY LOC-- [An elephant falls from the ceiling, crushing the MMK.] HUNTER : Wow! I *really* missed this button! [Another elephant falls on the MMK.] HUNTER: Whee! > He commanded instantly, WAND : Instantly! Fetch me my slippers! MMK : Arf! > with nothing else on his mind but the retrieval of his lady love. GAVOK: Demi Moore. WAND: *DING!* And Gavok hits the obligatory Demi Moore reference! MMK : Aww, I could have had that. Stupid elephants. [A third elephant falls from the ceiling and lands on the other two.] > There was a moment of silence, which was torturous to Bison, before an all-too > familiar voice blared back to him through the intercom, FALC : SHE'S GOT EYES OF THE BLUEST KIEIEIEND, AND IF THEY FALL AWAYEYAYAYAYYYY... DANA : AIEEEEEE! MY EARS! > "I'm in the West Wing's communications tower, luv!" Isis' voice said. Bison > grinned, "I will join you this instant!" WAND : Jesus, you horny bastard, I've only been gone a few days... [FALC hefts a garbage can over his head and chases WAND around the pile of elephants] > He responded and warped away. In the empty hall, seconds after his departure, Isis' > voice rang loud and clear over the intercom, "So good to have you back, Bison.". > > The overlord of Shadowloo appeared at the entrance of the uppermost communications > room within seconds. GAVOK: Of course, by then everyone was eating dessert, so it didn't matter. > He wore a wicked grin on his face that was similar to the one he had worn the > day of Isis' initial capture. DANA: I gues he hasn't gone shopping lately. > His eyes searched out Isis and he quickly found her among a small number of armed > soldiers; SAMAS: For some reason, she was dressed like Waldo. > she noticed his presence and smiled warmly, then made her way over to him. > "Isis, you've been busy; I'm glad to see you've found your way home." Bison said > lightly. WAND, DANA : I'm not scared... she felt like this on her way home... > "But of course, luv. There were some...issues...I had to settle with several > different people." Isis answered just as off-handedly. Bison chuckled, already > aware of her dealings with his lieutenants and with the elusive spy; MMK : As opposed to the Spy Who's Very Very Easy To Talk To. GAVOK : You got out? MMK: I did? > her thoughts had been with him from the moment he left the SFs' headquarters, > "Well done, darling." He commented finally and hugged Isis close. The small lady SAMAS : Help me! I'm scared! > returned his embrace, elated to see him again, then she kissed him sweetly on > the lips. > > "I have a gift for you." She whispered as her mouth parted from Bison's, MMK : I can do the trick with the carrots *upside-down*. WAND : Wow! And it isn't even my birthday! [FALC chases MMK and WAND around the theater with a staple gun] > "I caught the spy who had been undercover in Shadowloo since my capture. He could > have been trouble if he hadn't been apprehended by Sagat and Vega. I want > to show you how powerful I am now by executing him in revenge for his meddling!" DANA : Fine. So you've got an undercover agent. FALC : That don't impress-a me much! > "Well, well. It would seem that my experiment has returned back. Welcome, Ken!" > Bison roared as the spy was revealed to him. ALL: ... DANA: This had better not be the Ken I'm thinking of... > "Go blow yourself--or would you rather let that little--thing do it for you?" MMK : Yes. WAND: Goddamnit, it is that Ken. DANA: They sent an *international karate champion* in *undercover*? GAVOK : Uh-oh. MMK : Take cover... DANA: And Shadowloo managed to *miss* him? I don't know who's STUPIDER! Either the Street Fighters, for an "undercover agent" who's one of the most famous *civilians* in the world, or SHADOWLOO, for managing to MISS that agent! Don't people writing Street Fighter FANFICTION usually *PLAY* STREET FIGHTER?! OR WATCH THE BLOODY GODDAMNED *MOVIE*?! [FALC pours water on DANA's head. It boils away.] WAND: That just can't be healthy. > It was with great difficulty that Sagat restrained Isis, as Bison waved his > hand. Sagat had never felt such fire and darkness in anyone, except for Bison > himself, and SAMAS: Richard Simmons. > the "Ancient One." GAVOK: Dick Clark? DANA: Carol Channing? FALC: The Fabulous Moolah? > He also felt a little awkward, in how he had to hold the woman. MMK: He'd never held one before, and it w-- [FALC Double Powerbombs him onto an elephant.] > All the while, Vega was laughing, though not in his usual high voice. He didn't > really care much for Ken, WAND: It was just a one-night stand. Ken was gone when Vega woke up. > but at least they shared the same view for that--creature. He still stung from > defeat, and took joy in someone insulting her like that. > > "You always did have a smart mouth, Ken. It is just a shame that you don't have > a mind to match." WAND: Surprisingly in character. 7.9. SAMAS: He smoked him there. 9.2. MMK: Not loonie enough. 2.2. GAVOK: I don't get it. 0. > At the remark, Isis stopped struggling, and smiled. While he wasn't sure, as Sagat's > arms covered most of her, and the lighting was poor, but Ken could have sworn that > she just stuck her tongue out at him...similar to how Cammy had! WAND: She had made a breakthrough! > "What puzzles me is as to why there is a dead Shadowloo soldier? DANA : I got bored! What do you want from me? > I did not think you were capable of such decisions." > > "I...hit him with a fireball. The drunken fool staggered into the loose wiring, and > was killed. Killing isn't our intention, Bison. We watch for other lives." WAND : Meanwhile, back at the Street Fighter Hideout... FALC : I saw a life! That's a point for me! DANA : There's one! There's one! GAVOK : I saw two! > "I know, that is why you will now die! [ALL snicker.] DANA : No one decides who lives and dies but me! > Sagat, release...Balrog?!" ALL: EEEeewww. > Although he had been permanently banned from boxing, Balrog still fought in > Street Fights. In one fight, he met a karate champ, one that he thought would > be a pushover. WAND: It was the Red Karate Master, and Balrog got his ass caved in. > Instead, Balrog lost soundly to Ken Masters, within a minute! Now, > it was time for revenge! GAVOK: I dunno, I'd rather get WrestleMania 2000. DANA: So. Balrog has *fought* Ken before. And lost badly. > "Fool! Shin-Ryu-Ken!" yelled Ken, as he engulfed Balrog in the move. MMK : THE FOOL-SHIN-RYU-KEN! OH MY *GOD*! > Ken crouched down, and hit Balrog sharply across the jaw. As he began to spin, > faster and faster, the hits rocked the buffed boxer, FALC : Here I am! Rock you like a hurricane! SAMAS : We're gonna rock, rock 'till you drop! Rock, rock, never stop! DANA : Shareef don't like it! Rockin' the Casbah! Rockin' the Casbah! GAVOK : Like a rock! MMK : It's the Hockey Sock ROCK ROCK ROCK! It's the Hockey Sock ROCK ROCK ROCK! > until they were surrounded in flames. DANA : Burn, baby, burn! SAMAS : We don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn! GAVOK : Tearin' off my shirt, runnin' through the flames, greasin' back my hair, callin' out your name -- ALL : And when the DOGS DRAG OUR BONES INTO THE LIGHT... I WILL HAIL, I WILL SHINE, PEARLY WHITE! > When Balrog fell, his clothes were stained and smoking. SAMAS : Smoke on the water... > No sooner had Ken landed then Vega bounced off a wall, MMK : You were STOPPED and DROPPED by the WALLS OF JE-RI-CHO! > and executed an Off The Wall Suplex. > > Vega had an even longer grudge against Ken. WAND : You call that a grudge, Balrog? My grudge's *way* longer than yours! MMK : I... I feel like less of a man. *sniff* [FALC chases MMK and WAND, but they run in separate directions and FALC gives up.] > Years ago, so it felt, when they were both in their late teens, Ken and Ryu went > on a journey around the world. GAVOK : Wor-uhld, a-round the world, around the WOR-uhld, a-round the WORLD around the WOR-uhld... WAND: Okay, can we please stop the singing now? > One of the stops, was Spain. Vega had taken an interest in Chun Li, SAMAS: As well as 40% of the stock. > but he thought Ken to be in the way. > > He invited Ken and Chun Li to his place, for a special party; GAVOK, MMK: Oh, well, okay, that's nice of him-- > and a fight to the death. GAVOK, MMK: --oh. DANA : And *Vega* has *also* fought Ken. [twitches] *Nice* undercover agent. GREAT idea. > Chun Li was drugged, so to speak. WAND: Either she was drugged or she wasn't, Vega. SAMAS: She was laughing too hard to fight. "Spanish ninjitsu" always gives *me* a chuckle. > Ken chose to fight without any weapon, which Vega thought would make Ken an > easy victim. In the end, Ken won, and even saved his life. FALC: As opposed to winning and DYING ANYWAY. > Vega had never lived down that humiliation. > > "Good help is so hard to find," Bison grumbled. > > Isis nodded in silent agreement. WAND : I was talking about you, Useless O'Hostage. > Vega caught Ken with his roll. Just before he drove his claw in, he canceled > into his Super. > > "Shippi- SAMAS: ...Longstocking. > -Jinrai-Kyaku!" DANA: Vega cancelled into Ken's super? > Ken kneed Vega in the face, taking him out of the move. FALC : Don't rip off my moves, damnit. MMK, GAVOK : BAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG! > taking Vega with him, and continuing the fury of the storm. Finally, a overhead > kick smashed Vega into the ground. > > "Now, before I was interrupted; Sagat, you may release Isis. It is her turn > to show Masters how to be a master!" FALC: I give it a 0. SAMAS: That wasn't even remotely amusing. 0. WAND: 0. DANA: 0. GAVOK: 5. I mean, 0. MMK: A good try... but still 0. > "You've got to be joking. She may have learned how to use Pshyco Power, MMK : And I may be absholutly plashtered right now, > and may have done some cute things, but you've fallen to Shotokan, Bison, and > more than once! She doesn't have a chance!" GAVOK : NO CHANCE IN HELL! 'CAUSE YOU'VE GOT... NO CHANCE! NO CH-- [GAVOK ducks WAND's sword] WAND: Last warning. > "Ah, but in both cases, it took both Ryu and you to do it. Now, you will have > to fight alone. But don't worry, I am an honorable fighter. DANA : ...says the guy who shot Charlie in the back *twice*... ow. [DANA goes into the second row and reclines in one of the seats.] SAMAS: How's your head? DANA: Give me a few moments. > It will only be the two of you." GAVOK : Just the two of you! You can make it if you try, just th-- [WAND lops GAVOK's head off, which rolls over to the MMK's feet.] MMK: How's it going? GAVOK'S HEAD: I've been better. [GAVOK'S BODY wanders over and places GAVOK'S HEAD back in its place.] GAVOK: There we go. > Isis shot off a wall as Bison finished, FALC : So, she missed Ken and hit the wall, or...? > and Ken just barely rolled under it. DANA: The *wall*? > He dashed in, and as Isis turned around, he began to knee her. WAND : Boy, you just don't believe in foreplay, huh? MMK : But... I thought this *was* foreplay! [FALC picks up MMK with a Gorilla Press, but an elephant falls from the ceiling and crushes them both.] FALC: Ow. MMK: Serves you right. [He ^_^s, but cannot be seen under the elephant.] > He then threw her over his shoulders, and into the ground. WAND: As opposed to *onto* the ground. GAVOK: That's one badass throw. > Angered at how bad she was doing, she kicked up, surprising Ken with a kick > into his face. GAVOK: And that's one badass kick. How's he supposed to get that out of his face? WAND: Gavok, it... never mind. > She then grabbed him, WAND : See? Foreplay! FOREPLAY! MMK : Oh, I see! Wow, this *is* fun! FALC : GRAAARGH! > and threw him as Bison had. However, lacking his experience, Ken was able to > flip, and land on his feet. SAMAS: So he lacks his *own* experience? DANA: Well, yeah. Experience is a drawback in this 'fic. > Ken almost caught her with a short Dragon Punch, almost. SAMAS: Almost, the sentence was almost correct, almost. > She recalled old videos of Ken, DANA: Videos that for the sake of the story *we never found out she watched*. WAND: Videos of *what*? Him fighting? Him sleeping? His hidden career in softcore porn? GAVOK : Look, I was young and needed the money... > and eased back a bit, as he went for a second. > > She then slid back a bit more, as he went for the third, final, flaming one. WAND: Now *that's* sexual prowess. FALC: AAARGH! [FALC crawls out from under the elephant, MMK clinging to his leg, and chases WAND around while dragging MMK behind him.] MMK: Wheeee! > "HELL-BLAZER!" she yelled. GAVOK : Well, crikey, luv, lemme finish me pint and me fag. > Ken was pounded by a force that could easily rival anything he had felt > before. But then, he felt it grow even stronger, DANA, MMK : Uh-oh. WAND: This doesn't look... > and as it ended, Isis was about to go for her second attack. > > "AKAYU RAYA!" DANA: Aw, no. SAMAS: She's actually going to... > The attack was too much for Ken, and sent him flying through a window! GAVOK : The window, the window, the second-story window, if you can't make it rhyme or sing it on time, then throw it out the window! > "Step aside, loser!" Isis called triumphantly out the window, pointing down > at the plumetting Ken. [ALL stare in horror.] DANA: Did that just... SAMAS: Oh... my... god. WAND: You've *got* to be fucking kidding me. MMK, GAVOK: WHO *BOOKED* THIS CRAP? [ALL lapse into disgusted, horrified silence.] > "I got you, Ken!" Chun Li cried as, from outside the building, she and the > other Street Fighters arrived just in time to see Ken get launched through > a window. MMK : They were a *little* late for the nine-thirty show. > Chun Li leapt up, like never before, and caught Ken. > > "Ken! Are you..?" Ryu asked. MMK: Yes, I'm "..". [ALL but MMK are still silent, staring at the screen in horrified shock.] MMK : Come on, you guys! Wake up! > "Watch it, people. Bison and the girl are some major..." WAND : -- BONDAGE FREAKS! FALC : GRAARGH! [ALL wake up as FALC chases WAND around the theater.] MMK: Phew. That was close. > "We need to get him to a hospital, now!" ALL: We know the feeling! > CHAPTER SAMAS: Seven of - > NINE > > After rushing Ken to a nearby hospital, FALC: And leaving him outside, where he died of hypothermia... > Guile, Chun-Li and Ryu DANA: So where the hell did Cammy and Sakura go? Shouldn't they be here? SAMAS: They're looking for pants. It could be a while. > stormed the communications tower ALL: ChickaBOOM BOOM BOOOOMM!! > where Bison and Isis were apparently located. When they got to the uppermost > chamber, the three SFs were met by their enemies. DANA: I'm counting Tekken, Samurai Shodown, King of Fighters, Virtua On... > "So we are destined to fight once more, Guile. I hope you will do better this > time!" Bison exclaimed as soon as he caught sight of the man in question. MMK : Really? Wow, thanks! That means a lot to m-- GAVOK : I don't *really*, you moron. MMK : ...oh. Never mind, then. WAND: Guile IS Vic Sage, in the Charlton Comics classic! > Guile sneered vindictively and eyed the rest of the room beyond, SAMAS : Is this oak paneling? > sizing up any possible obstacles he'd have to overcome to get a clear > shot at Bison. FALC : Let's see... I have to wait until the Vice-President's car has gone by, than I have to aim past the bodyguards... > There was no one else in the room but MMK : The Family! The Fa-mi-ly and the Fishing Net! And the Fi-shing-Net! > Bison, Isis and Sagat; FALC: Oh my. Bison, Isis and Sagat; oh my. > Balrog and Vega had left after Ken had been blasted out the window. MMK: Ken blasts off at the speed of light! GAVOK: Surrender now, or prepare to fight! DANA: That's right! SAMAS: Don't you people have any respect? > Chun-Li burst into the room next, on her face was a twisted expression > of hatred. MMK : Just get me some Lysol spray! Just hand me a moist towelette! GAVOK: *Ding!* Weird Al Reference Tally: MMK 4, Wanderer 3, Gavok 2. MMK: Fah-red! > She looked over at Bison momentarily, SAMAS : Why the *hell* does he dress like that? WAND : I'm going fox hunting later. What of it? > considering going after him and killing him right there and then...but then her WAND: ...OOC-ness kicked in. DANA: That's a bit harsh. Maybe there's someone more important... > eyes set upon the small figure of Isis, who stepped calmly to Bison's side. DANA: Oops. My mistake. > "Isis." Chun-Li rasped between clenched teeth, her eyes narrowing to slits. > It was the little bitch! MMK : Is it? IT IS! THE MEGA-BITCH! > "Chun-Li." Isis echoed with a most devilish grin. It was the Queen of All > Things Annoying! FALC : Andrea Dworkin? GAVOK : Fat bottomed GIRLS, you make the ROCKING WORLD go aRAAAAAAAAAAAHOUND... > Finally, Ryu entered the room and assessed the situation. DANA : Oh, yeah, this property is great. You could easily get $130,000 for this. > Sagat came ALL: EEEeewww. > forward and stood near Isis; the anxiety in his eyes belied his calm exterior. GAVOK : Hey! Hey you! I'm BELYING YOU! What do you think of that? MMK : Damnit, you, get back in those eyes! > "Rematch?" Sagat purred at the dark-haired fighter. DANA : Sorry, out of change. > "If multiple defeats suit your fancy, Sagat, then have it your way." Ryu > answered to the challenge. WAND: Cute. Not quite in character, but cute. 6.8. FALC: Too much talking. If they weren't completely out of character, they'd be at each other's throats already. 0. MMK: He could have phrased that much better, thrown in three different references, added the phrase "red-headed stepchild" for good measure, and salted to taste. He didn't. Shameful. 3.3. GAVOK: I didn't get it. 1. > For a bit, the six fighters stared at one-another SAMAS: Kasumi stared at Splinter stared at Kasumi stared at Splinter... > and silently summoned every personal conflict that riddled their lives. WAND: For two bits, they did wild gangbangs. MMK: That's pretty cheap, considering today's prices. [FALC chases MMK and WAND around the theater with a Singaporean cane.] > The tension that built between them was immense; DANA: Yeah. Cut it with a knife, why don'tcha. Ho hum. > it wasn't long before someone set the fight off to a start...and that someone > was Chun-Li. ALL: Oh, of *course*. *Sure* she did. WAND: Oh, hell. Five Street Fighters and an author-created gimp are about to throw down... three drinks! [ALL drink.] WAND : Well, *I'm* not driving home... > "FOR KEN!!!" She screamed at the top of her lungs and dove at Isis. MMK: SPOON-EN! GAVOK: KNIFE-EN! SAMAS: SPATULA-EN! DANA: FISH-SLICE-EN! WAND: Boddil... bottel... bott... thingy... en! > The fight of fights was to start once again. Sagat stood but a few paces > from Ryu, [MMK and GAVOK get up and stand but a few paces from each other.] GAVOK : 3... 4... 5! DRAW! [GAVOK and MMK whirl around, MMK mimics shooting GAVOK in the chest, GAVOK falls down.] GAVOK : Crap! Not again! > and looked at him with a look of burning hatred, and yet, there seemed to be > something not unlike WAND: ...the deus ex machina. > respect. Maybe, on a level, he did respect Ryu's power. SAMAS: ...naaaaaah. > Now, it didn't matter. MMK: That's right! IT DIDN'T *MATTER* IF HE RESP-- [FALC bends a cookie sheet over the MMK's head] MMK: Ow. Bad Pigeoner. BAD. > All that was needed was his chance to try and prove himself once more, by > defeating Ryu in honorable combat. DANA : And joining a terrorist organization will help achieve that goal! [A pause.] DANA : Hey, *wait* a second... > This time, Ryu would fall. > > "A long time back, I made a vow Ryu: WAND : No more two-for-one night. SAMAS : I would not, could not on a boat. I will not, will not with a goat. GAVOK : No sex in the champaigne room; no sex in the champaigne room. There is absolutely, positively no sex in the chaimpai-ai-aigne room. > `Next time we meet, one of us won't survive!' Now, it is time to fulfill that vow!" FALC : Sure. No problem. [mimes shooting himself in the head] > "You are good, Sagat. MMK : In fact, the best I ever had. [FALC grabs a guitar and is about to get out of his seat when an elephant falls on MMK] FALC: Oh. Never mind. MMK: Oh, *this* is comfortable. > I would lie ALL : Go ahead and lie to me! > if I said otherwise. However, with your attitude..." MMK : ...you'll have to unlock the 39-point option before making a decent Meanie. I'm sorry. > "Shut up! This is the final showdown! Tiger!" GAVOK : No, I'm Ryu. [ALL throw darts at the screen] > The fireball shot toward Ryu's face, and was canceled by a Hadouken. Sagat fired > another, aimed at Ryu's legs, with Ryu repeating his tactic. They continued their > fireball war, WAND: I'm on fire, baby! I'm alive, I'm alive, can you hear me, world? I'm alive! GAVOK: *Ding*! Wanderer 4, MMK 4, Gavok 3. WAND: Oh, baby. > with Sagat slowly inching closer and closer. Then, as Ryu put out a Tiger, SAMAS: ...for the night... > he made his move. WAND : What th... HEY! He's goosing me! Help! GAVOK: Oh. Bad touch. > "Tiger Knee!" Sagat roared, as he shot over the Hadouken, and kneed Ryu in the face. > > Sagat kicked over Ryu's head, GAVOK : *WHOOSH!* Whoops. > while punching into his gut. Ryu blocked the hit, and shoved Sagat's leg back, > staggering him. WAND : Bah! You call this a leg? Take it back! FALC : But... WAND : Take it *back*! > As Sagat tried to regain his balance, Ryu tripped him. DANA : Fall over, damn you! FALL OVER! GAVOK : I'm trying! DANA : You're too damn slow. *Trip!* > "Shinku-Tatsumaki-Senpu-Kyaku!" MMK: Translated literally from Japanese, "Shin cut at sumo kiss and pukey yak, you". [ALL sip.] > A slight glow shot out from Ryu, as he focused his energy into his Super Hurricane > Kick! The vacuum from the move sucked Sagat in, GAVOK : Damn pyramid schemes. > but not before he could put up an effective block. SAMAS : This block... it will work! > Sagat felt himself weakening under the fury of kicks, and could feel the very air > around him rush out into the vaccum Ryu was creating. FALC: Well, yes, that's what a vaccuum usually *does*... > He felt a little dazed. DANA : I can't believe it... it tastes just *like* butter... I don't understand... > Then, he felt the move come to an end. Ryu then touched down, SAMAS: ...and it's over! The Tokyo Shotoclones win the Super Bowl! > and it was over. > > "Tiger Raid!" WAND: Do you often find yourself in situations like this one? [MMK and GAVOK sit down on the floor, FALC stands up and hides in the shadows.] MMK: Ah! What a great day for a picnic! GAVOK: Yes! It sure is! MMK: Ha ha! What a great day! GAVOK: Yes! Ha ha! It sure is! [FALC jumps out of the shadows and mauls MMK.] MMK: Aieee! FALC: Grrrr! GRRRR! WAND: Well, thanks to Tiger Raid, this situation is no longer a problem! GAVOK: No! Bad! BAD! [GAVOK mimics spraying something at FALC. FALC falls over and pretends to be dead.] GAVOK: Are you okay? MMK: No! GAVOK: Wow! This stuff really works! WAND: Tiger Raid. Also kills jaguars, leopards and pumas. Ask for it by name. > The first few hits were to far out of range, but as he flew into Ryu, ALL: EEEeewww. > the flames from it drove deep into Ryu's mid, flooring him. DANA : Damnit, why don't you just switch to MP3 like everyone else? FALC : No! MP3 is illegal and bad! Leave me and my MID alone! > "Now, Ryu, it's over!" GAVOK: Does that mean we can leave now? WAND: He means the fight. GAVOK: Oh. Poop. > "Shinku-Hadouken!" Ryu cried, as the fireball shot out, draining most of his > reserves. DANA: Now since *when* in the hell did a fireball drain Ryu's reserves? THERE'S NO LIMIT TO HOW MANY FIREB-- [DANA passes out.] MMK: Quick, nurse! We need half a kilogram of dihydrogen monoxide, STAT! GAVOK: Yes, doctor! [GAVOK hands MMK a glass of water, MMK dumps it on DANA's head] DANA : pfft... pttr... what? MMK: Success! GAVOK: Thank you, Doctor Knight! DANA: Whaa? MMK : They call me Doctor Knight. Good morning, how are you, I'm Doctor Knight. > Sagat barely had time to block it, before it drove him sliding back, his feet ripping > up the ground as he reeled. When it was over, he was still standing, and still in a > blocking stance. SAMAS : Can I stop now? > Both were breathing hard, and were dripping in sweat. Each, methodically, > approached the other, their motions becoming slower with each step. FALC: They should have used Energizer batteries. > When only a few feet separated them, they looked long and hard into each others > eyes, WAND: Love. American style! > before their injuries overtook them, and they both fell with thuds. GAVOK : We're all gonna fall down, okay, Thuds? WAND : Sounds good to me! MMK : ReadysetGO! (GAVOK, MMK and WAND fall down.) > "I'm going to lay you to rest!" > > "Whatever, Chun Li! Face it, you're only second rate!" GAVOK : You'll never be more than second best... ALL : Step inside, you're in for a ride, and we crush! CRUSH! Crush 'em! CRUSH 'EM! > "You little tramp! I'll grind you into the dirt!" > > "First, you have to be able to fight me. As you're about to learn, I've got some > new tricks!" WAND : I can do the flutter thing with my tongue, I can do the Rotation Trick, I c-- FALC: THAT'S IT! [FALC smashes a crate of bananas over WAND's head.] WAND: Nope. Too drunk. > "They mean nothing, if you can't use them! I have the experience, and the ability. MMK : And a bitchin' hippie wagon. > All you have is a bunch of power, FALC: Well, that ought to do it... > and a crash course! GAVOK: And the author's on her side. > I'm going to break you in half, little girl!" > > "Ready!" DANA: Set! SAMAS: Go! > Isis went right into her new talent, and levitated into the air. GAVOK : Wheeeee! WAND: When did she learn how to do that? FALC: It's new. Says so, right there. WAND: Who'd she learn it from? Her Endless Rectal Cavity of Power? > No sooner had she gotten up, then Chun Li knocked her back down with > a Blade Kick, kicking Isis a few times, before landing back to her feet. DANA: Landing *to* her feet? GAVOK : Damnit! Just let me get back to my feet, all right? WAND : I can wait. > As Isis got up, Chun Li grabbed her, [MMK and WAND happily leap out of their seat.] MMK: HOORAY! WAND: It's one of *those* fanfics! FALC: KILL! MMK, WAND: AIEEE! [FALC chases MMK and WAND around with a crowbar.] > and began to hit all over Isis, before a final hit sent Isis spining to > the ground. DANA : Oww! I'm spining! Oww! GAVOK : One day Chun got pricked and it occured to her that her Isis was a porcupine! > Upon arising, Isis attempted to trip Chun Li, but she flew over it, knocking > Isis with a Spining Bird Kick! WAND: That's one prickly bird. > Chun Li stood before Isis, and felt all the hatred she had for Bison, now > directed at the woman before her. Why? She didn't know. ALL: ... DANA: It..... WAND: Did that just say... FALC: She doesn't *know*? GAVOK: Has she *checked*? > She knew that Isis was going down; then, it would be Bison's turn. MMK: Jesus, she's insatiable! First she wants Isis going down, than she w-- [FALC punches MMK in the head as hard as he can] MMK: Oww. [falls over] FALC: ...I think my hand's broken. > "No you don't!" > > Chun Li stomped down hard on Isis's hand, which was just inches away from some > strange gun. DANA: A disco machine gun? FALC: A brand new radar gun? MMK: Janie's gun? > The look was totally alien, and reminded her of something from some movie she > had seen. SAMAS : Um, no, I'm sorry. Only I can make that shit look good. > It wasn't too big-- WAND: But than again, it's not the *size* of the g-- [FALC punches WAND with the same hand used to punch MMK] FALC: Ow. WAND: Serves you right. > actually it was like something one would have on a SAMAS: ...late-night infomercial. > keychain! However, if Isis wanted it, it was enough reason for Chun Li to > stop her. FALC: Chun was a real bitch like that sometimes. > "So, it seems Bison has expanded into weapons as well. Hey, don't roll your > eyes at me!" GAVOK : I'm uphill! They won't make it up here! > No sooner had she yelled at Isis, then a door came flying, and knocked Chun Li > clear across the little hallway. DANA : Are they fighting in Peewee's friggin' Playhouse?! *Why* did a door just hit Chun Li? WHY?! > "I'll admit you are right about that--why should I use a `Cricket' to kill you, > when I can beat you up myself." MMK : Well... can I have it, than? WAND : Sure, why not. MMK : Hot damn! WAND : Whoops, I think I just made a major tactical er-- [MMK mimics firing, WAND falls down] > Chun Li attempted a Demon Blade Kick, SAMAS: ...and Akuma whooped her cracked ass for stealing his move. > which struck Isis right on, only for Chun Li to pass right through her! GAVOK : Whoopsies! Don't know my own strength! > No sooner had Chun Li landed from it, then Isis was right in front of her! WAND: Covered in stickers from faraway lands. > She picked up Chun Li, and smashed the front of her face into the ground, DANA: AS OPPOSED TO WHAT? THE *BACK* OF HER FACE? MMK: Whoa. I think we'll need some more dihydrogen monoxide. [MMK ^_^s.] > smiling as she heard a light crack. Chun Li would live, but that was the only > "comfort" Isis would leave her. WAND: That's too nice. KILL HER! SAMAS: Dude, that's the original character. What are you doing? WAND: I don't care what Isis does any more. That's not Chun Li, that's not Ryu, and that prancing wimp is *obviously* not Guile. There can only be one explanation for this... SAMAS : ...uh-huh? WAND: ...the Infinite Improbability Drive! The Heart of Gold is in the area! SAMAS : What? WAND: It's the only thing that makes sense. > Isis kicked Chun Li over, and stepped back, as Bison had done, laughing her > own laugh. DANA: But if she was acting like Bison... why would... [passes out again] MMK: Gavok? GAVOK: Right! [GAVOK hands MMK another glass of water; MMK dumps it on DANA's head.] > "That all?" WAND : No! It also makes delicious fries in *under a minute*! DANA : Only NINETY-NINE NINETY-NINE NINETY-NIIIIINE! > "This is it, Guile! This is the showdown! SAMAS: It's always a showdown! Down to the bottom, you know that we've got 'em! > I'm going to beat the shit out of you!" FALC: And suddenly we're over here. What? > "Whatever! You ain't that good." WAND: I give it a 0. FALC: 0. GAVOK: 1. DANA: 0. MMK: 0. SAMAS: 0. > "Funny, thing is, Guile, I am. GAVOK: I give *that* a 0. > You see, when I've been fighting, I've been hloding back against weaklings, such > as you. FALC: And yet, you have nightmares about him. > I never dreamed of anyone coming to my level. Some one has-- and in doing so, she > has shown me that I need not hold back. ALL : SHE HAD A WEEK'S WORTH OF TRAINING! A *WEEK'S WORTH OF TRAINING*! > This fight,and everything else, is mine for the taking." WAND : Not that I'm bragging or anything. > "I hear you, but that's all! ALL: ... DANA: Repeat that? > Are you going to kill me by shattereing my eardrums?" > > Bison's eyes glowed, MMK : OOoooooh, you zinged me that time. FALC : Oh, come on, it wasn't *that* good. MMK : You're right. It was pathetic. But I still didn't like it. > just as he faded right before Guile. He then caught him with a kick, and with > it, brought Guile to the ground...something he hadn't used in a while. DANA: The ground, or his leg? GAVOK: Either way, it kinda indicates he needs to get out and walk around more. > It was good to be in practice again. > > Guile attepmted a flash kick, WAND : What the HELL did you just say? > which Bison passed through, and nailed Guile with a Siccor Kick from behind. MMK: A Siccor Kick, of course, is when you have your pet dog attack a woman for you. FALC: What? MMK: You know... "Siccor, boy! Siccor!" [ALL but GAVOK wince.] GAVOK: Good one, MMK! MMK: Thanks. > He then followed up with a string of them, until Guile was knocked onto the ground. > As Guile staggered to his feet, Bison brought him down with a flaming torpedo! WAND: You know, "Flaming Torpedo" would be a good name for a mixed drink. > Guile released a Sonic Boom, FALC : Go! You're free now! Free to roam in your natural habitat! > which was effortlessly countered by a Pscycho Shot. Guile tried to knee in, only > for Bison to shuttle onto his head, SAMAS: And I thought my commute sucked. > and smash his hand into Guile's face. DANA: Or, in layman's terms, "punch him". > "You are truly pathetic, Guile. GAVOK : You weak, pathetic fool. > All of this time, and you have learned very few new moves. In truth, all you have > learned to do is to, shall we say, enhance, your limited skills. DANA : Two words, nutsack: Psycho Drive. > Aside from that, you know but two moves. Granted, each are strong and effective, but > they have their limits. MMK : If they go more than 50 feet from their house, this alarm goes off. You also have your limits, which is why you shall never defeat me." > "Yah!" yelled Guile, GAVOK: Oh, so Guile agrees. And is actually German. > as he went for a Somersault Justice. SAMAS : Boy, I could sure go for a Somersault Justice right about now. > "Oh, Guile," Bison almost sighed, as he warped out of harm's way, with what > may have been a felling of disappointment. WAND: Probably not. You can't fell disappointment. FALC: But you can beat it to within an inch of its life. > "I tire of this," Bison then laughed darkly, before he yelled DANA : ...I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE...! > `Psycho Crusher!' and brought Guile to the ground in a blaze. > > "Such a disappointment, Guile. You never learn. Now, to see how Isis fares." WAND : Fifty bucks for the first hour, thirty for each add-- [WAND ducks and FALC's swing of a baseball bat whacks SAMAS in the face.] SAMAS: Ow! FALC: Sorry. SAMAS: Oh, yeah, like you mean it. > As Bison walked up to Isis, the girl was planting kick after kick into > Chun-Li's mid section; SAMAS, DANA: *coughcough*Bullshit!*coughcough* > Chun-Li, on the ground and curled into a little ball, GAVOK: She's a Popple! Cool! > panicked when she caught sight of Bison. SAMAS : Ahh! Ahh! I'm over the weight limit and the police boat's coming this way! Ahh! > "Call ME a tramp, Chun-Li?! ME!? FALC : Okay. Tramp. > I'll teach you--" Isis shrieked, oblivious to everything but the blood Chun-Li > was coughing out. GAVOK : Correction: *free* blood! > She couldn't get herself to settle down! She was just so angry... ALL: Why? She didn't know. [ALL sigh.] > "That will be quite enough, Isis." Bison spoke gently and gave Chun-Li a final > kick in the face that knocked her out cold. MMK : Well, hell. Why didn't *I* think of that? > "BUT SHE CALLED ME A --" SAMAS: Ho? WAND: Slut? DANA: Whore? GAVOK: Boogerhead? MMK: Lugan? FALC: Tramp. ALL but FALC: Oh. > "It's over, darling." > > "What's that noise?" WAND: The horrific fate that befalls anyone who says, "It's over"? > *** GAVOK: Three stars, apparently. > Isis flinched as Bison's hand grasped hers, "Ooooh owww." She groaned between > clenched teeth. > > "What's wrong?" MMK : Life is just a meaningless spiral of misery... all I've known is pain and suffering... why did I have to grow up miserable? WHAT ABOUT ME, BISON? WHAT ABOUT ME? > "Chun-Li stomped on that hand and it still hurts." > > "Oh...sorry." FALC : You puss. > Seconds after Bison had administered the final kick to Chun-Li's battered face, a > barrage of police sirens had sounded from outside the building. DANA: The cops are here. SAMAS: How many? DANA: All of 'em, I think. > In a hurry, the overlord of Shadowloo and Isis grabbed the unconscious Sagat and hurried > themselves over to a jet -- which they used to make a hasty getaway. SAMAS: As opposed to a leisurely, relaxing getaway. > Now, miles over the ground, the three members of Shadowloo were safely out of reach. FALC: But not out of range, as they learned when several bullets penetrated the windshield and filled them with lead. The end. DANA: That was dark... but I can swing to it. > Sagat was still out cold, and Isis dared to chuckle about it, "Did ya see when he and > Ryu collapsed simultaneously? It was quite a spectacle!" GAVOK : I got it on tape! I'm gonna send it in to Dick and Ed! > She exclaimed happily, the adrenaline of the last events slowly taking its leave. She > looked over at Bison and the man smiled half-heartedly -- he seemed preoccupied with > something. > > "What are you thinking about, luv?" Isis asked curiously, WAND : I'm FLYING A JET, YOU STUPID BITCH! > "The Street Fighters aren't going to fol--" She started but then stopped short when > Bison shook his head. SAMAS : We're lost. Great. Perfect. > Isis frowned and leaned forward in her seat to try to get a better look at her > companion's face. MMK : Oh... my GOD! I just noticed that you're HIDEOUS! OHH! GOD! ALL THE *THINGS* WE DID T... *BLECH!* > Bison looked over at Isis and held her gaze for a bit. FALC: Then he crushed it in his mighty fist. DANA: Still dark... but I'm down with that. > She was so pretty, and her eyes...her eyes were something else! GAVOK : They were ears? > Her training had cost him quite a bit of patience, WAND : ...and a *week*, dammit. Not a decade, mind you, or even a year. One week. > but it had taught him a whole lot more. He shifted in his seat and looked away > momentarily; DANA : Hey, a Burger King. > he briefly recalled the rage he had felt upon hearing of Isis' capture...he had > never felt anything like it! MMK: 'Cept that one time when his pizza was late. SAMAS: And when "Jake and the Fatman" was a rerun. GAVOK: Oh, and at the ending of _Halloween 5_. > Surely, that rage did not materialize out of nowhere... WAND: Well, it's a gift from Gaia, actually. > surely, that rage was acting in function to something else... FALC : Your problem lies deep in your subconscious... haff you ever seen your parents nekkid? > "Hey, if you really wanted to kill Guile, we could go back..." Isis' tried once more. GAVOK : Ooh! Ooh! You mean it? > "I love you, Isis." MMK: Oh, how fucking romantic. She's psychotic, he's a fucking terrorist, and we're supposed to stand up and cheer them embracing their love? Goddammit, they're the *villains*! *VILLAINS*! DANA : Have you got any more water? GAVOK : Oh, do I! > The three words were barely audible, but Isis picked them up as soon as they left > Bison's lips. She whipped around in her seat and arched her eyebrows, "Hunh?" She > snapped; WAND : Excessive verbing... penalty... twenty yards. > was the man with no heart admitting to false advertising? MMK: No, he was saying he loves you. Stupid bitch... > Bison exhaled loudly and faced Isis with a stern expression, "You heard me." He > grumbled. FALC : Well, yes, but not by *choice*. > Isis grinned suddenly, "I'd like to hear you say it again if you don't mind...my > hearing is kinda off this time of year." She replied, resting her hand on Bison's > thigh. > > "Don't make me kill you." ALL: Kill her! > "You couldn't." ALL: Yes, he could! > "Is that a challenge?" ALL: Yes it is! > "Shut up and let me hear what I want to hear." ALL: Kill her! > Bison glared over at Isis for a bit and then realized that he was being boyish; GAVOK: Aww, he isn't going to kill her. Poop. > but why was it so hard to actually admit his feelings out loud even after sharing a > bed with Isis? WAND: So Bison really *is* just like any other guy. > Hey, if she didn't know how he felt THEN... FALC: Then she was wearing gloves. > "I love you too, Bison. There. At least ONE of us has the guts to come out with it!" MMK : I was about to say "balls", but... > Bison grinned wickedly and squeezed Isis' hand. > > "OW! That's the hand that hurts you jerk! You're so...MEAN!" Isis cried, ALL: ... DANA: ...well, yes, Isis, he *is* a TERRORIST... > startling the jet's pilot. SAMAS: And Bison. > An evil laugh escaped Bison's throat DANA : I'm free! I'm free! > and he brought the girl's hand to his lips, planting a few kisses on it, "And you > love it." SAMAS : Only when I'm the top! > He retorted slyly. A thought crossed his mind then, a thought that was too good to > pass up, "I have a proposition for you, my darling." He declared on a light note. FALC: C minor, to be precise. > "What kind of proposition, luv? I'm not returning to see Guile and those other jerks!" > > Bison chuckled and shook his head, "No, no," He smiled, "that you will certainly not." WAND : From now on, you are *my* ho and nobody el-- [FALC chases him around the theater.] WAND: Getting tired yet, Falconer? FALC: NO! WAND: Well, fine, then. > He caught Isis' eye SAMAS : Whoa! Nearly missed that one. > and the fires of evil crept into his steady gaze, GAVOK : Here is a pain that's going to linger. > "Rule Shadowloo with me, Isis." He purred. > > Isis' eyes went wide; it was the best offer anyone had ever presented to her! FALC: Would you like fries with that? SAMAS : That's the best offer anyone has ever presented to me! WAND: Paper or plastic? SAMAS : That's the best offer anyone has ever presented to me! DANA: Could I interest you in a copy of the "Watchtower"? SAMAS : That's the best offer anyone has ever presented to me! MMK : What are they trying to say, here? GAVOK : I'm not listening either. > And to add points to the plus side, she got to stay with the man she > loved, "I'd be delighted to, luv...simply delighted." She answered finally. > > There was a moment of silence, and then two wicked laughs errupted. DANA : I don't have to marry her! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MMK : I don't have to marry him! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! GAVOK: So, is it over? FALC: I think so. [ALL pause for a moment, but the screen stays black.] SAMAS: Jesus, that was lame. No one was in character, the bad guys won, and a week's worth of training was able to overcome highly trained martial artists. WAND: Yeah. I'd rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my *tongue* than read this fanfic again. GAVOK, MMK: Aw, hell. WAND: What? [GAVOK, MMK are silent.] WAND: WHAT? GAVOK : Ding. Wanderer 5, MMK 4, Gavok 3. WAND: What? MMK: You bastard. WAND: YES! I win! You lose! I win! Woo hoo hoo! SAMAS: Wow. It's like Wanderer is the same as MMK and Gavok, only... better. Like some weird DNA splicing thing. MMK: Oh, *thanks*, Sammy. I think I'm a *clone* now. WAND: ...what? SAMAS, are you in league with them? SAMAS: No way, man! GAVOK: It's not fair. I just isn't fair. I mean, sure, I don't wear Doc Martens and I don't wear flannel... WAND: ...umm... GAVOK: And when I'm with you I don't know whether I should study neurosurgery or go to see the Care Bears movie... WAND: How are you *doing* this? GAVOK: You make me... You *make* me. YOU *MAKE* ME. That's what you do to me. WAND: But that's... GAVOK : Now why'd you have to get so mad? It was just a lousy flesh wound, Dad... you know I'm trigger happy. Trigger happy *everyday*. [ALL are silent. MMK is counting on his fingers.] MMK: Okay, that's *DING*, *DING*, *DING*, and *DING*. Final Tally... [checks his fingers] ...huh. Wanderer 5, MMK 5, Gavok 5. GAVOK : Really? WAND: What? MMK: Weird. WAND : How much did they pay you, Mixmaster Goat? SAMAS: I am *not* to blame for this. GAVOK: But... can't we have a tiebreaker round? MMK: Well, we'd all have to stay in the theater longer. What do you guys think? [FALC, SAMAS, DANA and WAND scream and run out of the theater] MMK: Thought so. GAVOK: Why did they leave? MMK: Were we playing this game? GAVOK: Can't we start? MMK: Why the hell not? GAVOK: So how's it going? MMK: What's it to you? GAVOK: Can't a guy ask how his teammate is doing? [An elephant lands on MMK.] MMK: Ow. GAVOK: Statement! HAHA! What are you going to do now? Huh? MMK: Gavok, I can't feel my legs. GAVOK : Another statement! How do you like me now?! MMK: Gavok, the door is closing! GAVOK: Game point! Think you can catch up?! MMK: Gavok, you ignorant slut. GAVOK: I win! I win! I... oh, sweet merciful crap. [MMK gets up and somehow gets the strength to throw the elephant onto GAVOK.] GAVOK: Ouch. That's a new pain. MMK: So who's up for a King of the Ring tourney in Attitude? [GAVOK raises his one arm sticking out while the other elephants lift their trunks.] [Fade to black.] [SCENE: HUNTER, in what would appear to be a control booth, is gleefully hitting buttons. He turns towards the viewer.] HUNTER: Ah, hello, Wee Willy Wankers. I'm merely reloading the Elephant Ejector. If those two lunatics are planning to stay in my theater, I think I'm going to have to make my own fun. [He cackles.] [Someone knocks on the door. HUNTER, looking disgruntled, opens the door to reveal WAND, who is visibly out of breath.] HUNTER: What do *you* want? WAND: Well, we're in orbit, right? HUNTER: Yeah. WAND: And you're the mook who gave Falconer a box of weapons, right? HUNTER: Uh-huh. WAND: And those weapons were selected for their ability to cause pain and suffering to a wide variety of people, correct? HUNTER: Get to the point. WAND: And you didn't really pay very much attention to what was *in* that box of weapons, did you? HUNTER : Well, I sort of grabbed whatever was lying-- FALC : DIE! [Something punches through the wall to WAND's right. Whatever it is, it leaves a hole about the size of a quarter, and is followed by a spiraling blue contrail as it flies across the room.] WAND : And *somehow*, you managed to put a *railgun* into the hands of a complete *maniac* when we're on a *space station*, *right*? HUNTER: Huh. I guess so. WAND: And *then* you proceeded to attempt to destroy his sanity, with what appears to be remarkable success? HUNTER: Well, you know... mistakes happen. WAND : You doofus. FALC : DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIEEEE! DANA : Falconer, if you don't mind, please put the gun down... SAMAS : I warned you! He's gone rogue! FALC : You! You're self-inserted too! DIE!!! [There is a small explosion offscreen, and the sound of rushing air suddenly fills the corridor. Candy wrappers and popcorn begin to fly around randomly. HUNTER and WAND both grab onto the doorjamb to stay standing.] DANA : He took out the fourth wall! Run! SAMAS : Aiee!! No es bueno! WAND : Well, Hunter, it would appear you have a choice. Either teleport us back-- HUNTER: Or? WAND: Or, well, there is no "or". You do realize there's a maniac with a semiautomatic weapon of mass destruction loose in your theater, right? I mean, *I'm* not going to try and stop him... [A railgun slug misses HUNTER by a few inches.] HUNTER: You make a strong case, Witwicky. Very well -- I'll teleport you and your "colleagues" back. WAND: Pleasure doing business. Oh, yeah -- if you ever do this again, I'll take a running punt-kick at your groin. DANA : And I shall perform a similar feat with a tack hammer. SAMAS : You'll have to get in line. HUNTER: Oh, shut up. [He frantically punches a few buttons; WAND, DANA, and SAMAS vanish. The abrupt silence from outside would lead a viewer to conclude that FALC has vanished as well.] HUNTER: Ah, well. Back to the drawing board. [Fade to black.] === Staff: Self-Appointed Editor: Thomas "Wanderer" Wilde Writing Staff {in no particular order): James Howard, the Multimediocre Knight mmk@beer.com http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Battlefield/4281/ the Black Snotling camcarr@ibm.net Gavok jasp@cyberex.net Damien "SAMAS" Hailey SAMAS_1@hotmail.com Quanah Harjo, the eDANgelist qharjo@peripheral.com Thomas Wilde [a.k.a. Wanderer] storyteller@webzone.net Thanks to Dana Crysalis for contributing his character, Andrew "Hunter" Roth for being a good sport, and Zeek Silverfire for the contribution of one joke. Introduction by Wanderer and the MMK. Closing sketch by Wanderer. The Street Fighter Drinking Game is by Kevin Kanda. "Shadowloo" is originally by the Murgo Queen and GFD. Isis is copyright them. All Street Fighter characters are copyrighted by Capcom. All Octagon Rumble characters are copyright their respective owners. Please don't use them. We're horribly irrational and violent people. Links: Mystery Octagon Theater: http://tiffa.brawl.org/personal/elsewhere/or99/mot.html the Octagon Rumble Fiction Project: http://tiffa.brawl.org/personal/elsewhere/or99 The Street Fighter Drinking Game: http://linguist.dartmouth.edu/~emerald/sfgame.html Thanks for reading. > Chun Li stood before Isis, and felt all the hatred she had for Bison, now directed > at the woman before her. Why? She didn't know.