MSTed by: Mark Foster - foster@powerup.com.au Original author: Brett Handy. Appleseed is the creation of Masamune Shirow and is owned and copyrighted by Masamune Shirow, Seishinsha and Dark Horse. Ranma 1/2 copyright Ruminko Takashi/ Shogakukan Inc. MST3K is copyright Best Brains Inc. Shifters is the work of Brett Handy and is copyrighted by him. ---------------------- (Satellite of Hitomi) [Instead of the usual fixed view of the viewscreen, the computer, the couch and the teleport machine, the camera swings from left to right showing four doors marked 'Spare', 'Sokaku', and then the usual view, 'Fang' and 'Briareos'] BRIAREOS: [voiceover] It's been two months since Hitomi sent us a fic. In Olympus it's the busiest two months of the year in parliament and Hitomi's job with the Council is keeping her from sending more stuff up here. The only time she has contacted us was to let us know that a shipment of Hermes coil floating cameras was on the way up. I'm holding one of them now. [The camera moves towards Sokaku's room and Briareos, from behind the camera, reaches out and opens the door. The room inside is very messy and the walls are covered in posters and videos litter the floor] BRIAREOS: [v/o] This is Sokaku's room. As you can see he's a slob. And he loves posters, the whole left wall is devoted to Bronwyn Jones whom Sokaku has a real obsession with. He's also got his own Stereo and TV in here. [The camera backs outside and the door closes. The camera crosses the room towards the room marked 'Fang', Briareos opens the door revealing a neat room with a bed and shelf of books. Fang is sitting on the bed listening to a Discman with his eyes closed] BRIAREOS: [v/o] That's Fang on the bed, probably listening to the Escaflowne soundtrack again. As you can see he is really neat and likes to read a bit. [The camera backs out and the door closes.] BRIAREOS: [v/o] Now for my room. [Briareos reaches out and opens the door to the left of Fang's to reveal his bedroom. There is a shelf with both videos and books on it, several posters adorn the wall, a picture of Deunan is on a bedstand next to a neatly made bed] BRIAREOS: [v/o] Pretty cool, eh? But then, I'm the coolest dude around! [The camera backs out and the door is closed as Briareos walks over to a ladder that leads to a hole upwards and starts climbing] BRIAREOS: [v/o] We found there were other levels to the satellite six weeks ago. So far we've only managed to get into this upper deck. [The upper deck's main room has a pool table, a large TV, several comfy couches and a table with four chairs] BRIAREOS: [v/o] We found all this cool stuff in here. Over to left is a Laundry with a chemical bath for me and Sokaku and some storage space. [The camera moves to the right of the room where there are two doors marked 'Kitchen' and 'Holo'] BRIAREOS: [v/o] This 'Holo' room is really interesting! It's powered by the same 'plot-contrivance field' as the Teleport machine. [The door to the Holo room opens to reveal a white featureless room.] BRIAREOS: [v/o] That's strange... I thought Sokaku would be here. [The Kitchen is empty, the Storage room is filled with boxes and the Laundry with its Chemical bath is empty] BRIAREOS: [v/o] Where the heck is he? [Briareos releases the camera and climbs back down to the main deck to see Sokaku turning on the computer] BRIAREOS: Sokaku! Where were you? SOKAKU: [looking up] Huh? I was right here. BRIAREOS: I just went through this deck and the top deck and you weren't in either. SOKAKU: Uh...I was in the theatre. I left a book in there. BRIAREOS: Huh? [Briareos looks at the dark entrance to the theatre] BRIAREOS: Huh... SOKAKU: [softly] Did he buy it? [Fang emerges from his room looking a little bleary eyed] FANG: Ahh...can't get enough of 'Pocket wo Kara ni Shite'! SOKAKU: [muttered] Shite is right... BRIAREOS: You need to get over that song. FANG: Like you don't listen to the Turn-A OP constantly, Bri? BRIAREOS: Oh...[blows raspberry] SOKAKU: Hey cool beans! We've got fanmail! Katts up first. > > (For the record, I'm only writing this because leena's fanmail got a > mention in an MST and I simply WONT be outdone! -_-) > SOKAKU: Booo! Leena's our favourite person now! Bwahahaha FANG: Speak for yourself! SOKAKU: Shut up. > Well, it's also because all of your MSTs RoX! ^_- Seriously and > without bias or blackmail *guilty grin* the best MST-ings I've ever > read (suuuuuck). SOKAKU: -and bl- [The Meow Stick Mk. V descends from the ceiling to knock Sokaku out] > The alternate ending to NAE and the Trial by Fire series are probably > the best based on the ratings system of which comes closest to making > me choke on various drinks from laughter. BRIAREOS: Oh dear...guess we've gotta try harder? Bwahahah! > I also noticed there are quite a few MST-ings on your list that I > haven't read and I demand to be sent them right away or the infamous > Meow Stick "MK-V" may have to have a few words with the lot of ya >:D > [Sokaku moans and starts to stand up] BRIAREOS: Uh, the ones we haven't done yet? SOKAKU: Crazy br- [Another Meow Stick Mk. V descends from the ceiling to knock Sokaku out] BRIAREOS: He's gotta learn to stop doing that. > Baibai! =^-^= > Katt FANG: Thanks katty! [Sokaku pushes the second Meow Stick Mk. V off and stands up] SOKAKU: Yeah, thanks....really. > P.S. (I'll have to get Hitomi to send you guys a Raye fic to sit > through) ALL: AAHHH! FANG: And from the uh...lovable...author of NAE. > > Yay! I loved the MSTing! I honestly think you could take any bit of > bland fiction and make it funny. Gosh, once again, you had me rolling > down on the floor. I could hardly breath. Well, at least I didn't > spit milk from my nose or anything. > SOKAKU: I did that once, took me ages to the tubing right. > > I don't know why I get such a kick out of seeing my fanfics MSTed. Ah > well... Whatever floats your boat, huh? And mine is floating. If I > ever delve into the dark world of Evangelion fanfiction again, I'll be > sure to let you know. :-P > FANG: AAAHH! > > Keep up the good work. I know I'll be following you through Shifters > and beyond. > > Sara ALL: Muchias gracias, Sara. SOKAKU: And the infamous Mike Surbrook. > > watching some crappy show on TV, then looking at the man who had > > just killed two of their peers. > > SOKAKU: He also interrupted Misato telling Shinji about her > retirement > plans on her new boat. > > Ahhhh! I just got that now! Ahhhhhh! > > Damn, so is Misato gonna shoot a few dolphins while she at it? [Fang and Briareos look at Sokaku] SOKAKU: Yeah. FANG: Dolphin shooting? SOKAKU: I'll tell you later. FANG: And from Leena...again. >To the poor suffering souls on the Satellite of Hitomi, SOKAKU: Yeah, that's us. >Hehehe your antics are getting funnier and funnier ^_~ Especially like the >wrestling thing at the end and the "beer fight" (trust you to have a beer >fight :P) BRIAREOS: Of we would! Bwahaha...now for the sake fight! >First of all.... *eeeeewwww* to Neo Armageddon Evangelist. That certain was >more gory than the first one. I can't believe you all survived after reading >something more NAE. Maybe Hitomi should "feed you" some clean shoujo fan >fics ^^;; or Pokemon >:) FANG: Mmm...Shoujo... SOKAKU: Mmm...Shogo... BRIAREOS: Knowing Hitomi, she'll send us Pokemon lemons... ALL: Ewwww! >Anyways, that's all I wanted to say (staying up to read your stuff has made >me quite brain-dead ^^;;) I hope there's more to come! BRIAREOS: Yes....unfortunately. >LEENA SOKAKU: [racecaller voice] And Leena is ahead in the Fanmail cup, Katt is just behind her! But Leena has a strong headstart! This race could go anywhere folks! FANG: And lastly, Keith Palmer. >I've just read your MSTing of the alternative conclusion to "Neo Armageddon >Evangelist"... and I'm not sure what I can say. It's the kind of fanfic >you finish feeling worried for whoever wrote it. I only hope that the >author doesn't use your latest MSTing as an excuse for writing yet another >alternative conclusion. On the other hand, your work was funny without >being too harsh, as the author admitted at the beginning, and there was >enough overwrought prose in the fanfic that I started having Eye of Argon >flashbacks. SOKAKU: Uhhh...Aragon... BRIAREOS: I'm pretty sure we've seen the last of Sublime though. >Oh, and I also read "A Surfing Tale." However, not quite getting the point >of the original, I hurried past it on the way to the main course of the >MSTing. FANG: I don't think anyone else got the point of it either! BRIAREOS: Wow, five pieces of fanmail...rox, eh? Bwahahahaha [The viewscreen flickers to life showing Hitomi and Yoshi] (Hitomi's Lab) HITOMI: Miss me, boys? (SoH) BRIAREOS: Does Sokaku miss his case of gout? SOKAKU: I don't have gout! (HL) HITOMI: Whatever. Anyway, the extra busy time has ended and so now we can resume your decent into insanity! YOSHI: We've found something so horrible, so disgusting and so boring that it's sure to crack your spirits like Hitomi cracks open the box of chocolates! HITOMI: YOSHI! Anyway, we're sending you...THE COMPLETE WORKS OF WILLIAM SHATNER! (SoH) ALL: AAAAAIIIEEE!!! (HL) YOSHI: Uh, Hitomi...the website gives me a '404 File not Found' HITOMI: Yoshi, that isn't on Fortunecity is it? YOSHI: Why, yes it is. HITOMI: Didn't I tell you to download anything on those 'free' servers? YOSHI: Ummm... HITOMI: [strangely calm] We'll go with the back-up. Here's more of Brett Handy's masterpiece. Push the button, Yoshi. YOSHI: Uh, pushing the button. [Yoshi leans over and presses the button] HITOMI: Let's have a talk, Yoshi. YOSHI: Uh...okay...HELLLLPPPPPPPP! (SoH) [The Fanfic sign starts flashing.] ALL: We've got the generic boorring fanfic signnnn! [All three rush into the theatre. They sit down in order: Sokaku, Briareos and Fang.] BRIAREOS: Poor Yoshi. FANG: Poor us! > > > A Ranma1/2 Fan-Fic > Shifters > Part 4 > > By > > Brett Handy > > With thanks to Hubert Santos > > > > Bob was not happy, he had been left as a baby sitter. SOKAKU: Ranma kept spitting his dummy out and Akane was not receptive to spankings. > > "Who is the 'Circle' that Jim kept mentioning?", asked Nabiki. BRIAREOS: [as Nabiki] Asides from being a secret good organisation. FANG: So where's Agent Maxwell Smart? > > Bob sighed, "The Circle is who Jim and I work for", he > explained, "it attempts to keep the knowledge of shifters a secret and > to circumvent the aspirations of the Conclave". FANG: [as Bob] We're not gonna let them release Mahou Genesis Gunboy Akibara ZZ on tapes with only two episodes! > > "I take it the Conclave were the ones who attacked us > tonight?", asked Genma. BRIAREOS: Der moment people. ALL: DEEEERRRR! > > Bob turned to him, "Yes, the conclave believes that anyone who SOKAKU: [as Bob] -has a mole or speaks with a deep voice should be made to watch re-runs of Blossom! > doesn't work for them, doesn't deserve to live", he said, "they have > only one goal: the domination and elimination of humanity". FANG: No! You're joking? And here I was thinking that they were a secret evil organisation for the betterment of all mankind! > > Ukyou, who had been silent up until now, SOKAKU: She had been secretly hoping the author would forget about her. > leaned forward in her > seat, "But why??, what did humans ever do to them?", she asked. > BRIAREOS: [as Ukyou] Asides from having the occasional bonfire in the Middle ages and general dislike for all things non-human. > Bob's eyes were grim, "Jim didn't finish explaining our > history, so I'll continue his story", he said. "It was the time of SOKAKU: [as Bob] -dark and stormy nights. FANG: [as Bob] It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. > the first crusades", he began, "knights from north-western Europe were BRIAREOS: -killing everybody they didn't like under the banner of a holy war. > making their way towards the 'holy lands'. Unfortunately, the > original shifter village was in their way. A group of about twenty SOKAKU: -travelling mimes passed through the village and were summarily executed by the Patrician. > young knights rode into the village, looking for a way to the south. FANG: Because they had been travelling north all this time! > The villagers had not had much contact with the outside world, BRIAREOS: Which is why they all looked like the inbred geek from 'Deliverance'! >but > they did understand the swords the men were carrying. The knights > stayed in the village for two days, before one of them saw a young FANG: -woman with a pimple on her nose, they declared her evil and burnt her at stake. > shepherd, who was preparing to muster his sheep, transforming into a > sheepdog. The knights immediately attempted to kill the 'evil SOKAKU: -Hulk Hogan' > monster'. Now while a sheepdog might not look very threatening, a > full-grown wolf, tends to scare most people. The twenty knights rode > from the village, screaming. BRIAREOS: WHAT? And I thought that teeth find it hard to cut through armour and swords could lop off a wolf's head easily! What a bunch of wusses! FANG: They were probably British. BRIAREOS: Well that explains it. >Unfortunately for the villagers, > crusader knights were not ones to give up easily, two weeks later a SOKAKU: -travelling salesman sold them dud swords for a young virgin each! > company of one hundred knights returned, to destroy this 'haven of > evil', as they called it". BRIAREOS: Oh? All the villagers were Spice Girl fans? >Bob looked out the window and sighed, "Not > one of those knights ever left the valley, they were destroyed to the > last man". > BRIAREOS: Or Englishman as the case may be. > "While the villagers were able to defeat the knights", Bob > continued, "almost half of them were killed, the remaining people SOKAKU: -had a party while dividing the loot of the dead amongst themselves. > realised that eventually word of their village would spread, and more > knights would come to attack them. The village council was split as BRIAREOS: I could make some crude joke about some girl's legs but I'm not going to. SOKAKU: I will! They were as split as- FANG: SOKAKU! > to what should be done, some believed that the only way they would be > safe, was if humanity was destroyed. The others believed that, if BRIAREOS: -they ignored the problem it will go away. SOKAKU: Oh, so these people were the ancestors of our politicians and company executives then? > they hid their powers, humans might accept them. After much discussion > everyone who wanted to fight left for the north, where the knights had > come from. The remaining villagers went west, travelling together, FANG: -drinking together, pillaging villages together.... > looking for a place to live." Bob stopped talking and walked over to > the kitchen to make some more tea, everyone was silent, each think > over what was said. > FANG: Each comes up with same conclusion, each run for door! BRIAREOS: And to allow some trite questions to be asked. FANG: [as Bob] Exposition contrivance tea, anyone? > "So I take it your ancestors were among the villagers who went > looking for a new home?", asked Cologne. > BRIAREOS: I don't believe it! Two der moments in one fic! ALL: DEEERR! > Bob nodded, "The remaining villagers were mainly changelings, > with only about two dozen true shifters", he explained, "After much > wondering SOKAKU: -they still couldn't think of what to call their pet sheep. > the village finally split up, each family seeking its own > place to live. Jim's family and my own travelled together, and BRIAREOS: -singlehandly started the war between Spain and England! > finally settled in northern Britain, about four hundred years ago." BRIAREOS: So why doesn't he complain about not having any haggis? FANG: [vaguely Scottish] That's nae how you make porlidge! SOKAKU: [vaguely Scottish] Och, you nae be looking up mae Spriggan! FANG: That's Sporran. SOKAKU: I know. > > Bob handed out the tea he had made, "About a hundred and fifty > years later, Jim's mother was born. I was born about a hundred years BRIAREOS: [as Bob] -too late to kill him. > after that", he explained. SOKAKU: Go to bed, old man! > > Ranma looked stunned, "You mean to say your one hundred and BRIAREOS: [as Ranma] Your one hundred and one Dalmatians are missing? > fifty years old?!?", he exclaimed. Bob nodded, "I look not much > more that fifty to you, I've probably got about a hundred years > left", he stated calmly. FANG: It must be really annoying to be apprenticed to a bloke whose at least full century younger than him. BRIAREOS: It's the Marrissa effect! > > Everyone was silent for a time, finally Ranma yawned loudly, SOKAKU: [as Ranma] Allow me to break this awkward silence. > breaking the silence. Bob looked over at him, "Ah yes, I'll get you FANG: [as Bob] -and your little dog too! > all some blankets, and then we had better get to bed", he said getting BRIAREOS: -randy as he invited Ranma to bed with him. > up and moving towards the closet. After settling everyone into > comfortable sleeping positions, Bob turned off the lights and sat down > in one of the chairs, facing the window. SOKAKU: [hick voice] Them rains will be coming soon, Marge. > > "Aren't you going to sleep", asked Akane. FANG: There must be a question mark shortage. BRIAREOS: That's what happens when you overuse them in your third chapter! > > Bob shook his head, "No I'll wait until Jim gets home", he > said. > SOKAKU: [as Bob] It's more fun being a psychopathic killer who slaughters children in their sleep when you have a partner! > Akane looked over at his darkened figure, "You care a great > deal about him, don't you", she said quietly. Bob laughed, "Yes, Jim > and I go back a long way", he said. SOKAKU: [as Bob] Well, long and hard at least. FANG: SHUT UP! SHUT UHHHPPPP! > > "So how old is Jim?", asked Ranma curiously. Bob smiled in > the darkness, "He's young yet, about forty years old", bob replied, BRIAREOS: Man, we're heading towards a comma shortage now. SOKAKU: [as Bob] I like really young guys! FANG: [as Ranma] I guessed that, now can you get your hand off my butt? > "now everyone close you eyes and sleep, you humans need your rest". > ALL: SLEEP! > > ***** > > The Raven was gliding silently over Tokyo. Jim was enjoying the > cool night air, after rescuing Ranma and his friends it was good to FANG: -leave calling cards on cars. > relax. The Raven shook its head, "Got to keep my mind on the job", SOKAKU: [as Jim] Must kill Randy Savage....must kill Randy Savage... must kill twinkies..D'ohh! > Jim thought. Suddenly his destination was in sight, a small house, BRIAREOS: -on the pairie? FANG: -made of gingerbread? SOKAKU: -selling 'Olde Worlde' wares? > clustered in amongst some trees. Landing on the front lawn, Jim > quickly shifted into his human form, and walked over to the front > door. BRIAREOS: Psst! Jim, it might be a good idea to shift some clothes on! >He knocked on the front door loudly. A light came on inside > the little house, followed by the noise of locks snapping back on the > door. FANG: And the sound of a shotgun being cocked. > > A dishevelled Mizua Tanaka opened the door, blinking sleepily, > suddenly her eyes opened in fear, "What do *you* want", she said, SOKAKU: I'd guess something very, uh, primal judging by his undressed state. > nervously playing with a pendant that hung around her neck. > FANG: *gasp* This must be a plot point! > Jim smiled reassuringly, "I'm not here to hurt you miss > Tanaka, I just wanted to see if you were alright", he said. SOKAKU: [as Jim] Now, strip naked! > > Mizua looked at him carefully, "Well I'm fine, you can leave > now", she said, starting to close the door. BRIAREOS: And surprisingly Jim left! > > Jim quickly shoved his foot in the door, "Uhh, look can we > talk?", he asked. SOKAKU: [British] Nudge, nudge! Wink, wink! Say no more! > > "If you don't leave, I'll call the police", she said in a > frightened tone. FANG: They'll laugh at you for opening the door without checking to see who was outside FIRST! > > Jim sighed, "I new this wasn't going to be easy", he thought to > himself. SOKAKU: [as Jim] Despite these pheromones that I brought for $599.95! >He shot one of his hands at her face, reforming as he moved. > Suddenly Mizua Tanaka found herself covered with a strange, viscous > liquid, BRIAREOS: OH MY GOD, JIM! You shouldn't do that without asking first! FANG: You shut up! >she stepped back from the door trying to wipe of the strange > stuff off. The liquid ran off her body, and across to the middle of > the room, reforming into the form of Jim Williams. Jim smiled > slightly, "Please don't be alarmed..", he began. FANG: [as Mizua with ditzy voice] Of course not! You just turned into a liquid and back into a man, that's perfectly normal! SOKAKU: [as Robert Patrick] Have you seen this boy? >Mizua's eyes rolled > back in her head as she fainted. SOKAKU: Who didn't see that coming? > > Dawn came to Tokyo, BRIAREOS: Sunlight rolled off the mountains like molten gold! > creeping across the houses. Ranma was > shaken from his sleep by Ukyou, "Come on, get up Ran-Chan", she > said. FANG: [as Ranma] Damn, I'm still stuck in this fanfic! > > Ranma shook his head and climbed to his feet, "what's going > on?", he asked. SOKAKU: [creepy voice] We are making an offering to the evil one! FANG: [as Ranma] Vince McMahon? Why? > > "We're leaving", said Jim, from across the room. > BRIAREOS: [as Ranma] You're leaving me? *sob* I knew you would, you hussy! > Ranma looked over to him, he was standing in the open doorway, > with an amused expression on his face, SOKAKU: -as his *thing* flopped out. > "I've got a van waiting > downstairs", he said. FANG: Scooby and Scrappy are keeping the engine running! > > Rubbing sleep out of their eyes, Ranma and his friends slowly > walked down the stairs and into the waiting van. Fifteen minutes > later, they were in traffic heading for the centre of Tokyo, "Uhh, > Jim", said Ranma, "I think we're going the wrong way". > BRIAREOS: [as Ranma] I know this despite not being told exactly WHERE we are going! > Jim looked back at him from the driver's seat, "Trust me", was > all he said. Suddenly he heard a thumping from the box on the floor FANG: Thump thump! SOKAKU: [as Katt] Stop this dream! You're acting like a love-sick Koneko-chan! > behind him, "What's that?", he asked. Jim's face split into a grin, > "Well our left-over shifter didn't want to come along on our little > ride, so I had to 'persuade' her", SOKAKU: [deep voice] Hur-hur-hur! > he said chuckling. Ranma opened the > box up, to see a bound and gagged Sensei Tanaka. "She's the other > shifter ?!?", he exclaimed. BRIAREOS: [as Jim] No, actually. She's my sex slave for the coming month! > > > ***** > > Ryouga awoke slowly, trying to remember where he had spent the > night. FANG: A common occurrence especially on Saturday morning. >He sat bolt upright, as he remembered the fight, then he > winced as his injuries made themselves felt. Ryouga looked around the > room, seeing only concrete walls and a metal door on one wall, then he BRIAREOS: -regained his sanity and used his blasting point technique to get the hell out of there! > noticed his room-mate. Sitting against one wall was a man, he looked > about fifty years old. "Finally awake", he said in a quiet voice. > SOKAKU: [as man] Afterth the thingsth we didth last nighth thooth, youth randy bitchth! > Ryouga nodded, "Where am I", he asked. > FANG: Geez, see what happens when you use question marks where they aren't meant to be used in earlier parts of the fic? > The man smiled, "Your in my cell", he said helpfully. > BRIAREOS: Oh yeah, real helpful! FANG: [as man] I've got you now, Gadget! > Ryouga stood and walked over to the wall, "Not for long!", he > said, concentrating his Ki. He let out a tremendous blast at the [All hold their noses with their fingers] SOKAKU: Time to lay off the baked beans, Ryouga? > wall, using his 'exploding point technique'. The wall was not > impressed, it didn't even shudder. BRIAREOS: Oh. Why? > > "Forget it, boy", said the man, "They've got a dampener on the > whole room". > SOKAKU: [as man] Donald Fisher lives for this stuff. > Ryouga looked over at him carefully, "A what?". > FANG: 'over at him'? The hell's that? BRIAREOS: Who proofread this? Dr. Thinker? > The fellow looked at him curiously, "You don't know what a > dampener is?", he said, "Well it prevents you using your FANG: [as man] -intelligence. > shapeshifting abilities", he looked at Ryouga curiously, "although > I've never seen that kind of ability before", he admitted. > BRIAREOS: That's nice...BUT RYOUGA'S MARTIAL ARTS TECHNIQUES AREN'T RELATED TO HIS CURSE! [Sokaku and Fang rub their ears] SOKAKU: Care to give us a little warning before going into rant mode? BRIAREOS: Sorry, it's not as much fun then. > Ryouga sat back against the wall, "shapeshifting ability?", he > said numbly. > FANG: I've never seen grammar used like that all my life! I have no idea if that's correct or not! > The man nodded, "You must know that your a shifter", he said, "I > can see it in your eyes". SOKAKU: [as Yoda] Strong in the force, this one is! > > Ryouga nodded shortly, it was no use trying to hide his curse. > The man looked at him curiously, "so what are you?, a changeling or a > true shifter?", he asked. Ryouga looked at him blankly. The man > shrugged his shoulders, "Well it won't matter anyway, I've been in BRIAREOS: [as man] -in the wars sonny! Lemme tell you, back in '60s we had to fight the Frenchies off our land with swords and glue! > here almost twenty years, you're the first bit of excitement I've > had". SOKAKU: *ZIIIP* > > ***** > BRIAREOS: 5 stars? What was Leonard Maltin THINKING? FANG: We want Bob and Margaret! > Kathy awoke to very different surroundings than Ryouga. She came ALL: NOOOOOO! *heads start shaking violently* > awake in a fright, ALL: Phew! > taking the room in with a glance, it was a pleasant SOKAKU: -if you were a kinky dominatrix. > bedroom, with a huge picture window. Kathy jump out of bed quickly, BRIAREOS: -Kathy dress quickly, Kathy eat quickly, Kathy leave room quickly. > running over to the window. She nearly fainted from nausea as she FANG: -remembered the events of last night and just where that cucumber smell was coming from! SOKAKU: [as Chi and Bri] WAKE UP AND SMELL THE CUCUMBERS! FANG: I'm not even going to bother commenting on the state of the fourth wall. > looked out. She was looking out over a huge mountain range, from a > great height. She spun around quickly as the door was opened and a > man walked into the room. She recognised him as one of the men in the SOKAKU: -gimp outfits last night. > fight, one who had knocked out Ryouga. He smiled at her, "So your BRIAREOS: [as man] -butt is still that huge! > finally awake, good I was beginning to think Madaline had injured you > permanently", he said. FANG: [as man] Remind me to tell her to hit harder next time, huh? > > "Who are you", she said, backing away from him. SOKAKU: [as man] I'm your standard member of a Type A generic evil organisation. > > "The name's Casey", he replied, "would you like some > breakfast?", he added as an afterthought. FANG: Well, at least the question had a question mark. > > Kathy shook her head, "Why have you brought me here?", she > asked. BRIAREOS: [as man] Would you be interested in buying a house? No? How about some of our fine linen? > > Casey smiled, "What you don't recognise your birthplace?", he > asked, "Of course you were very young, only a day or two old". SOKAKU: [as German Casey] Vot? Nein? Gut, as a zygot I vemember ze place zat mine parents were concievink me! It voz a bar! > > Kathy shook her head, "Just tell me why I'm here", she said. > > Casey looked at her appraisingly, "You've got spirit", he BRIAREOS: [as Casey] And it smells like Teen Spirit too! > said, "But not for long". He walked back to an opened the door, > allowing another man entry. Kathy looked at the older man, who > stood appraising her. > BRIAREOS: This could get kinky! SOKAKU: KINKY ALERT! SECURE THE DOORS! MAN THE TISSUES! FANG: SOKAKU!!! > "So we've finally tracked you down", he said, "You've got no idea > how happy that makes me". SOKAKU: [singing] If you're happy and you know it, take off your pants! FANG: SO- Oh, I give up! It doesn't rhyme anyway. > > Kathy eyed him warily, "The feeling's not mutual, who are you > people?", she said. > BRIAREOS: They're the Moon people! > Casey spoke up, "We call ourselves the Conclave, and you'd > better be more respectful to council member Baratis", he said. BRIAREOS: [as German Casey] Or ve vill be usink 'Ziz Old Houze' reruns! > > Baratis looked at Casey, "she doesn't know, does she?", he > asked. BRIAREOS: Yet another 'der' moment. ALL: DEEERRR! > > Casey shook his head, "She has no idea of who or what she is", he > said. SOKAKU: FINALLY! Someone with a glimmer of intelligence! > > Baratis smiled unpleasantly, "Good, we can use that to our > advantage, her friends will be coming soon, prepare her to meet > them", he said, turning and walking to the door. > FANG: Mah god! There were 5 commas in that sentence ALONE! > Kathy screamed as Casey grabbed her and injected her with > something, she kicked him hard in the head and then swept his feet > from under him. She ran quickly to the door, but them felt dizzy, as > the injection took hold. Kathy's last sight was Baratis' smiling > face. SOKAKU: Nudge, nudge! Wink, wink! Say no more! > > ***** > > Nabiki looked around curiously as the van she was travelling in > approached Tokyo's business district. "Where are we going", she asked > again. BRIAREOS: [as Jim] Stop bothering me and mommy or we'll turn around right now! > > Bob turned to her, "You'll see", he said. Suddenly the van > made a sharp turn into an underground parking lot. It proceeded FANG: -to crash into the traffic jam there. > into an elevator and descended several floors, before Jim opened > his door ALL: OH MY GOD! [They all hide their faces] SOKAKU: Should he be doing that in public? > and motioned everyone to step out. The elevator finally > stopped, far below street level. Everyone stepped out into a pleasant > looking entrance hall. SOKAKU: Yeah, underground basements are always flooded with natural light and plants grow ABUNDANTLY there! FANG: Well, Jim probably thinks that pleasant means poor lighting and grime. > > A receptionist look at the group curiously, BRIAREOS: LOOK GROUP. FANG: [deep sarcasm] Yeah, all secret sub-basements have receptionists to hand the vast amounts of visitors streaming through them. BRIAREOS: USE CUTLASS ON GROUP SOKAKU: Blood stains the floor and your cutlass. Congratulations, you have finished 'Ranma 1/2: Shifters'! > recognising Jim as he > walked forward. "Your father is waiting for you in his office, Mr FANG: [as bitter receptionist] -Boofhead. Sticking me in this dead end job! > Williams", she said pleasantly. Jim nodded, and motioned everyone > towards the row of elevators. It was a tight squeeze fitting everyone SOKAKU: [as Jim] Oh my Kasumi, your breasts are so comfortable and Nabiki's butt is certainly comfortable around my groin area. Uh, what's that cold thing sticking into my back? BRIAREOS: [as Akane] It's my frozen cucumber! Want to try it out or stop getting cheap feels of my sisters? > into one elevator, but no-one wanted to be left alone in such a > strange place. Travelling upwards the elevator eventually reached FANG: -the thirteenth floor where they were sucked into hell! > street level. Nabiki finally recognised were she was, "We're in the SOKAKU: [as Nabiki] -the ninth level of hell? Hello, Malkon! > Epsilon Industries Tower?", she asked. > > Jim nodded, "Yes, its the most secure building we have SOKAKU: [as Jim] -because it's my phallic symbol! > available", he replied. They proceeded to the topmost level, > stepping out of the elevator. A pair of armed security guards > stood waiting. Jim waved them off and everyone proceeded down a > long hallway. BRIAREOS: This is almost as monotonous as the launch footage into some Giant Robot anime. FANG: And then they caught another elevator down, took ten flights of stairs up, went through every room in the 12th floor, caught the elevator down and went out the front door! > > Ranma looked over at Jim, who was nervously fidgeting with his > watch, "What's wrong?", he asked. SOKAKU: [as Jim] We're going to meet my parents. I wonder what they'll think of us?! > > Jim just shrugged and opened a large pair of double doors, > "James Williams the Second!", called an old, but powerful voice, BRIAREOS: God? Is that you? FANG: [as God] Shut up, Brian. > "How many times do I have to tell you - KIDNAPPING IS ILLEGAL!". > FANG: And so the ESWAT team shoots him dead! BRIAREOS: [as whiney Jim] But I was just borrowing theeem! > Jim smiled nervously, "Ahhh, well", he said. > SOKAKU: [as Jim] My bad. > Ranma looked over at the man seated behind a huge hardwood > desk, he looked to be in is late sixty's. The old man stood, FANG: -revealing that his alzheimers was very advanced since he was only wearing pink boxers. > "Sorry, where are my manners, everyone, come in and take a seat", he > said. After sitting down behind his desk, the old man turned his > stare on Jim again, "I'll deal with you later", he said shortly. > BRIAREOS: [as old man] Get out the whips and branding irons, young man! > Everyone sat down on the couches provided, Nabiki was looking > curiously at Jim, "Humm I've never seen him act this way before, I > might be able to use this later..', she thought. > FANG: Yet more Blue Heeler's style foreshadowing. > Jim stood and introduced the older man, "Everyone I'd like you to > meet my father, James Williams.", he said. > SOKAKU: [as father] Go back to school and learn some grammar, young man! > The older man stood and walked around his desk, placing his > hand on Jim's shoulder, "I'm pleased to meet you all, although I BRIAREOS: [as father] -don't recall you. FANG: [as Ukyou] But we haven't been introduced yet! BRIAREOS: [as father] I don't recall. FANG: [as Ukyou] Look, just let us tell you our names... BRIAREOS: [as father] I won't recall. SOKAKU: James Williams ... aka Alan Bond. > hoped it would be under better circumstances", he greeted them. > BRIAREOS: [as father] Namely on a day when I didn't run out of prune juice! > "So what happens now?", asked Cologne, "Why bring us here". FANG: [as father] Hmmmmm yaddada....oh, I'm sorry? Was that a question? It's hard to tell without a question mark. > > "This is one of the safest places in Japan for you people, > many of our employee's are shifters of varying skill", Jim replied, > "We have to discuss where we go from here". SOKAKU: [as father] You and me, old lady, with some Brut? > > Akane was getting angry again, "What do you mean discuss it??, we > have to go and get Kathy and Ryouga back", she said. > > Jim turned to his father, "Did you get that list of aircraft > departures yet?", he asked. > FANG: [as father] Yes, but Leonard Nimroy wasn't on any of them! > His father nodded, "It looks like they're taking them back to the > US", he said. > SOKAKU: I AM VERY ANNOYED! [Sokaku rips up the chair besides him and throws it at the screen while shouting obscenities] FANG: [whispering to Briareos] Just wait till he sees that I ate all of the pink jelly beans! BRIAREOS: Oh shi- > Jim nodded, "as I expected, they'll take Kathy back to where she > was born", he said. FANG: Thank you for delightful yet useless exposition. > > Akane narrowed her eyes dangerously, "How do you know so much > about Kathy?", she asked. SOKAKU: Golly gosh! They've both got English names and they both appeared at the same time, however could that BE? > > Jim looked at her angrily, "that is not your concern", he then BRIAREOS: -was clobbered by Akane and thrown out the window. > turned back to his father, "can you please have some rooms assigned to > these people, I'm going to go and look up some of my old friends in FANG: [as Jim] -the nuthouse. > the US", he said. Jim then walked out of the room, slamming the doors > behind him. Bob stood and quickly followed, "Please excuse me", he > said to everyone. FANG: [as Bob] Don't worry about me, I'm just a minor character.... > > Akane was about to say something else, when Kasumi put her > hand on Akane's shoulder, "Don't, he's more upset by this than he's > letting on", she said knowingly. SOKAKU: [as evil Kasumi] My network of spies know all! > > James Williams watched his son walk from the room with a > thoughtful expression, which became carefully neutral as he noticed BRIAREOS: -the cameras from '60 Minutes' barge into the room. > everyone looking at him. "I apologise for Jim's behaviour, it wasn't > easy for him to accept responsibility for Kathy at such an early age", FANG: [as father] He still shouldn't have duffed up her mom though. > he said. At their blank expressions he sat back behind his desk, "How > much about Jim do you know?", he asked. > BRIAREOS: They know HIM! That's enough for anybody! > Cologne spoke up, "Not much..", she said. > SOKAKU: That's because you knew him for about 10 seconds before the attack occurred! > "Well I'll start at the beginning", he said, "I met Jim's > mother in 1947, I was working for the Australian government as an aide SOKAKU: [as Mr Williams]-and she was a lowly janitor. > to the ambassador for the United Kingdom. The ambassador was BRIAREOS: [as Mr Williams]-a pompous old fool. FANG: Andrew Peacock? > attending a dance, when someone tried to assassinate him, being a > foolish young man, I pushed him out of the way, SOKAKU: [as Mr Williams] -eager to get killed and out of the fic already! > intending to take the > knife-thrust myself, only to find that I didn't need to bother. The FANG: [cross-eyed] You know, I'm worried the author is addicted to the comma key. I advise checking into the Betty Ford clinic with a comma addiction. > assassin had been knocked unconscious by a lovely looking young woman, > who had appeared out of no-where", BRIAREOS: Erehwon. FANG: Albany? SOKAKU: Butte, Montana? > Mr Williams' eyes had taken on a > dreamy look, "even remembering back I can still see Rachel's face SOKAKU: [as Mr Williams] -because I saw it then! > clearly. I was about to ask who she was when she ran and jumped out > the window", he smiled slightly, "needless to say I was shocked, and BRIAREOS: [as Mr Williams]-disappointed I couldn't kill her myself. > ran to the window to see if I could help, but she was no-where to be > seen. Several years passed, I saw her a few times, at various > diplomatic events, FANG: [as Mr Williams] -poisoning, spy swapping, torture of foreigners... > but never got a chance to talk to her, until > someone tried to kill *me*. I was walking home one night, having SOKAKU: [as Mr Williams]-cut through a dark alley. > spent some time at the theatre when I was jumped from behind by a > group of thugs. They pulled me into an alley and were about to finish FANG: [as Mr Williams]-their 'Tap Dogs' imitation > me off, when *she* arrived. I never understood what happened next, > but somehow I woke up sitting on a park bench, with her sitting next > to me. To cut a very, long story short we were married almost two > years later." > [snoring] > "Did you know that she was a shapeshifter", asked Akane > curiously. FANG: [as father] Hmmmmm humpty dumpty....oh, I'm sorry? Was that a question? It's hard to tell without a question mark. > > "Well it was quite a shock when she told me, but I was so > totally in love it didn't matter", replied Mr Williams smiling BRIAREOS: [as Mr Williams] And then I slapped her silly. > slightly. "Jim was born about a year after that. I retired from > public service and went into business for myself. With my contacts SOKAKU: [as Mr Williams] -that I soon lost on the floor of the cab. > around most of the world, I was able to build up quite large company." BRIAREOS: [as Mr Williams] When I started out I only had one dollar and now look where I am! It's all thanks to the miracle of fraud and nepotism! > Mr Williams' eyes became bleak and somewhat sad as he continued, > "Unfortunately for us, success had generated interest in my family. SOKAKU: [as Mr Williams] Kerry Packer mistook us for a company and launched a takeover attempt. > Jim was about seven when the first attempt on his life was made, > someone snuck into our house and tried to smother him in his sleep", BRIAREOS: That was me, I was using a time-travelling machine. > he smiled grimly, "Although little Jim had only just begun his > training that would-be assassin found that it was very hard to smother FANG: [as Mr Williams]-someone with lungs as big as his. > a child, when there is a two foot piece of metal sticking out of your > stomach. Jim continued to be trained by his mother, learning how to > control his shape and how to fight, until he was nine", BRIAREOS: [motherly] Awww, isn't that cute? He's killing assassins at age seven! FANG: [as Mr Williams] Whatever. [to himself] I've gotta divorce this whacko broad and quickly! > Mr Williams > shuddered at the memory. SOKAKU: [as Mr Williams] So I divorced her! Unfortunately Jim was the centre of the custody battle and she won. FANG: [as Ukyo] Just so I can reaffirm that I do exist and haven't disappeared into black hole in this fic, I have to ask this question: So why is Jim with you if you lost? SOKAKU: [as Mr Williams] I meant that she won in the sense that I got stuck with the custody of Jim. > > Williams stood and moved to the window, "I was working late > one night, when I heard a tapping on my office window, I opened it to > see a little black raven sitting on my window ledge. The raven BRIAREOS: [as Mr Williams]-tasted good with tomato sauce. > reformed into a sobbing Jim. From what I managed to get out of his > scrambled explanations, a large group of assassins had ambushed him > and his mother at our house. Jim had managed to get away, but Rachel FANG: [as Jim] They killed mum! BRIAREOS: [as Mr Williams] Woo-hoo! I mean..uh...sorry. FANG: [as Jim] Who cares about her! They stole my Jetfire toy! > didn't. There was no report of what had happened in the papers, but SOKAKU: -because Kerry Packer was busy taking over Fairfax...AGAIN! > two day's later, a man turned up at our door, asking to be admitted. BRIAREOS: [as Mr Williams] We told him this wasn't a hospital and sent him on his way. > Bob had come after learning of Rachel's death, as I understand it > their two families were very close. Jim continued training under Bob, BRIAREOS: Wax on, Wax off. > learning more and more quickly. There were a good number of attempts > on his life, but under Bob's care he came through them all." SOKAKU: However, he became a bloodthirsty killer! > > Kasumi, tears in her eyes, asked in a small voice, "Why were they > trying to kill Jim?". > FANG: [as Kasumi] Asides from the fact that he's an author avatar? > Mr Williams turned around, "At that time Jim was the *only* > half-breed shapeshifter... the Conclave had eliminated all the FANG: [as Mr Williams] -Abba fans. > rest, calling them an abomination. At any rate, when Jim was about > sixteen he and Bob travelled to the US, so that Jim could learn his SOKAKU: [bad Chinese accent] supla seeklet move! > skills from one of the Circle's best fighters. Over the next three > years, Jim and his teacher, Thomas, became very good friends. BRIAREOS: *VERY* good friends. >It was > about fifteen years ago when Thomas married a young woman named SOKAKU: -Dr. Biggles-Jones. > Marina, she was a Professor of Genetics at MIT. Unfortunately one of > her students was an agent for the Conclave. When Marina retired > because of her pregnancy, BRIAREOS: [as Mr Williams] -we realised our attempts to make her a subservient woman shackled to the kitchen was successful! > there was an attempt on her life. The > family fled, Jim and Bob travelling with them, protecting Marina when > Thomas wasn't around. SOKAKU: Ifyouknowwhatimean? >Unfortunately just after Marina's baby was > born, Thomas and Marina were captured by the conclave. As I FANG: [as Mr Williams] -fell asleep from his boring narrative I don't know the rest of the story. SOKAKU: [as Shampoo] Shampoo can see where he got boring narrative talent from! > understand it, Thomas gave Jim his new-born baby girl, and Jim swore > to take care of her. From what Jim told me, after he got the baby to SOKAKU: [as Mr Williams] -TV executives as he came up with a crappy sitcom idea. > safety he returned only to find Marina's body and her killers. Jim > saw that Marina was already dead, and although he wanted to fight her > killers, he had a responsibility to little Kathy". BRIAREOS: [as Mr Williams] So, he fought them! > > The door to the office slammed open and Jim walked into the > room, followed by Bob and a very shaken up Sensei Tanaka. "Don't stop ALL: [singing] -in the name of lurrvee! > on my account father, by all means continue to tell them my life > story", he said sarcastically. Bob escorted Tanaka to sit on one of > the chairs, FANG: The hell does that mean? How the hell do you escort people to sit on chairs? > Sensei Tanaka looked very nervous. Jim looked at his > father, "Well if you're not going to finish the story I will", he > said. Jim lent against a large hardwood desk and continued the story, [snoring] > "I took Kathy to an orphanage, not having any idea how to take care of > a newly born baby. I kept a close eye on her and made sure she was SOKAKU: [as Jim] -brutally abused by her fellow orphans. > adopted by a good family, after seeing that she was safe for the time > being, I started looking for her parent's killers, and I've been FANG: [as Jim] -asking them to take care of Kathy too! > looking for seventeen years. Last night I managed to take care of one > of them, but one still remains", he finished. BRIAREOS: [deep voice] There will always be two, student and master. FANG: [as Jim] The other one is sitting next to me. SOKAKU: Huh? > > Ranma's stomach took that time to announce that it was time SOKAKU: -for the Ranma 1/2 characters to get a look in! > for breakfast. Jim look amused, "Well I guess you *all* will > probably be wanting some food", he pushed a button on his father's FANG: -backside. > desk and a servant appeared. "Follow this man and he'll provide you > with whatever you need", Jim said. BRIAREOS: Hey old man, we need to get down from here! > > Everyone followed the man to a huge dining room, the table in the > middle of the room was overflowing with freshly cooked food. Ranma and > Genma proceeded to stuff food down their throats, gobbling down the > delicious breakfast. > SOKAKU: [as Kang] Enjoy.... > Nabiki looked around the room as she nibbled at her food, > "humm, seventeenth century wall hangings, gold inlaid engravings on FANG: [as Nabiki] -the roof with obscene words? > the roof, Ming vases, boy these guys are loaded", she thought. FANG: *sigh* Der moment people. ALL: DEERRRRR! FANG: You don't own a building and list an income of 10 cents a year, DUH! SOKAKU: Yeah, rub it in our face how rich you are Jim! > > After the servant had left them alone, Akane finally spoke up, > "Do you really think we can trust them", she asked. SOKAKU: Everyone ignored her since no question had actually been asked. > > Ranma responded immediately, "Cumff on aknje relaf", he said > through a mouthful of food. > SOKAKU: [as Akane] Ranma! I am not going to allow this 'relaf' to 'cumff', whatever that is, on me! > Cologne nodded, "Son-in-law is correct, if they wanted to harm us > they have had plenty of opportunity.". BRIAREOS: A whole...one... judging by Cologne's use of the singular term. > > Ukyou was eating her food quietly, a sad expression on her > face. SOKAKU: [as Ukyou] I just don't exist in this fic! There's no point in me being here! >Ranma noticed, "What's wrong Uc-Chan, is the food alright?", he > asked. > FANG: [as Ukyou] They got 'Maggi Noodles Cheese flavour'! > Ukyou shook her head, "No the food is fine, I was just SOKAKU: [as Ukyou] -attempting to draw attention to me before I fade away into the background. > thinking, Jim's early life was so hard and he seems so driven now, its > amazing that he has wasn't warped by what happened when he was > younger". Ranma nodded and finally realised what Jim had meant when BRIAREOS: -he killed several people on the way home and drank their blood while crying 'BRAINS! BRAINS'! > he had told Ranma that he understood what it felt like to be fighting > every day of your life. FANG: [as Ranma] Yeah, I never considered moving either. > > After everyone had finally had their fill (yes even Ranma and > Genma), Bob returned to the room and asked if Ranma, Genma, Shampoo, > Moose and Ms Tanaka would please follow him. SOKAKU: Moose? You mean, Bullwinkle? FANG: [as Chinese guide] It so sad story of ignored stars of main work of fiction that fanfiction was based on! > > "What about the rest of us?", asked Akane. BRIAREOS: [as Bob] You'll eat a lot of meat tonight! SOKAKU: [as Akane] The mystery meat is PEOPLE! THE MYSTERY MEAT DISH IS PEOPLE! > > Bob shrugged, "Jim asked for everyone who was a shifter to > come and meet with him, a servant will be along to escort the rest of > you to your rooms". SOKAKU: [as Bob] And if they ask for a tip, don't give them chewing gum or a piece of advice! > > Bob led the five to an elevator. "Where are we going?", asked > Tanaka. > > "Jim will explain what's happening", Bob replied. > > The elevator went far below street level, stopping sharply, > it's doors opened. "Glad you could all make it", said Jim. > BRIAREOS: [as Jim] Sometimes people fall down the elevator shaft when they don't look! > They exited the elevator into what looked like a huge > laboratory, filled with men in white labcoats. "What's going on?", > asked Ranma. SOKAKU: [as creepy Jim] We will hook you up to these machines and they will use your virgin juices as fuel for the dark master!...[normal Jim] Whoops, wrong script. That was 'Twin Angels' or something. Those hentai series are so alike! > > Jim gestured him over, "You told me that you got your > 'abilities' when you fell in a 'magic' pond", he said, "Well if FANG: [as Jim, mocking] -the fairies come to the dance with gnomes tonight, maybe Cinderella will end this storryy! > you'll allow it, these men", he indicated the men in white lab > coats, "will try and find a scientific reason for your change". BRIAREOS: [as scientist] We've reached our conclusions, and they are that we have no conclusions! > > Ranma nodded enthusiastically, "Great, maybe they will be able to > find a cure!", he said. SOKAKU: [as Jim] Pssht! We've cured AIDS, cancer and the common cold! > > ***** > > Two days later Ranma lay on his bed grumbling into his pillow. > There was a loud knock from his door, "Ranma, are you in there?", came > Akane's voice. BRIAREOS: [as Ranma] No! That'll fool her. > > Ranma groaned, "Go away and leave me alone", he said. SOKAKU: [as Ranma] I'd better find the tissues in case she comes in! > > Akane opened the door anyway, "What are you doing in here, SOKAKU: [as Akane] With your pants down and all those tissues? FANG: Can't you let up with those? > dinner's ready", she said. > > "Not hungry", he said shortly. FANG: [as Ranma] Unless they've got pig's knuckle sandwich! > > Now while this may not signal anything in a normal person, > Ranma not eating was a sure sign of trouble. "What's wrong?", > Akane asked. > SOKAKU: [as Ranma] *sob* I'm pregnant! > Ranma rolled onto his back, "Jim and his scientists can't find > anything different about us, in either of our forms", he said, "Jim BRIAREOS: [as Ranma] -said he was going to throw us off the top of the building since we weren't part of his secret society! > tells us that in all of the shifters he has encountered previously, > there was a genetic mutation, but we show no signs of that. > FANG: Oh no! Now the human race will be inbred within weeks! > Akane sat down beside him, placing a hand on his arm, "So > what?, Dr Tofu has been looking for a cure now for almost a year, you SOKAKU: [as Akane] -loser. > think that these guys would come up with on in only two days?", she > said smiling, "Silly BAKA". BRIAREOS: [as Akane] Konniwhicha, grab a bento for tea and kakeashi to school. No suimin in school now! Sayarona! > > Ranma sighed, "I know, but I'd thought....." > > "That would be a first!", said Akane. SOKAKU: Dialog from the hilarious writers of 'Will and Grace' > > Ranma stopped suddenly turned red in the face, "Why you > Kawaiikune tomboy!, what would you know about thinking", he said. > FANG: [as Akane] Oh, I'm wounded. I must die. > Akane stood laughing, "That's more like it, I'm going to have > dinner, see you later HENTAI!", and with that she walked out the room. > SOKAKU: *wince* Now that just sucked. > Ranma smiled, at least that was one thing that didn't change, he > always knew where he stood when he was arguing with Akane. Suddenly he > was feeling hungry again. BRIAREOS: DRINK THE BLOOD OF THE VIRGIN! FANG: You stole that. BRIAREOS: Shut up. > > ***** > > Voices, nagging at her constantly, images of her parents, > killed by a huge black monster. Kathy was floating somewhere near > consciousness when she heard another voice, this one kinder than the > rest, BRIAREOS: [as voice] You didn't see me here, kid. I was hooked up to the portable life-support machine that confines me to the wheelchair. FANG: Ahh...Majorca... > "Easy Kathy, it will all be over soon", it said. Kathy smiled > in her mind, the voice was so nice, it was saying things that made > sense.... SOKAKU: [as voice] You will worship Nova Satori... BRIAREOS: [as voice] Kevin Siembieda, Pete McSporrin and Ben Dunn must die.. FANG: [as voice] You will read our MSTings... > > Casey looked over the technician's shoulder, "How's it going", he > asked. SOKAKU: [as technician] No good. I can't beat the top score. > > The technician type several commands into the computer, > "Everything is proceeding normally, subject is responding to the > stimuli as expected", he replied. BRIAREOS: [as technician] Their sanity is melting away slowly. Soon we have those three guys on the satellite in our clutches. > > "Good, inform me when programming is complete", he said FANG: [as Casey] Damn Visual Basic. > exiting the room. Casey was enjoying himself a great deal, > everything was working out exactly like Madaline had planned, soon > DarkWind would come charging to rescue his friends, and then he would BRIAREOS: -throw a tea party. > finally be dealt with. He had nothing to do but wait, so he decided > to visit the other 'guests' that were staying with them. SOKAKU: He just couldn't get rid of those annoying Olson twins! > > Ryouga was sitting on a bunk against one wall, "Can you please > tell me where we are?", he asked his companion on the other side of > the cell. > FANG: [as companion] Duhhh...a cell? > The man looked back across at him, "Your in the Rocky > Mountains, North America", he replied. BRIAREOS: If Frank-N-Furter shows up, I'm leaving! > > "How did I get here", Ryouga asked. SOKAKU: [as companion] Duhh...a plane? > > "No idea", the man replied, "They threw you in here about two > days ago" > > "Why are you here", Ryouga asked. > FANG: [as companion] *snore*....oh, I'm sorry? Was that a question? It's hard to tell without a question mark. > The man's eyes had a far away look in them, "I broke one of > the Conclaves rules, so they stuck me in here". > BRIAREOS: [as companion] This is my punishment for wearing plaid. > The latch swung back on the metal viewing window in one wall and > a man's face appeared, "Yes, you broke the rules, BRIAREOS: [rapping: -yo silly fo'! FANG: [shuddering] Never do that again! > now the fruits of > your mistake have come back to haunt you", he said. Ryouga's companion > spat out angrily, "What the hell are you talking about Casey?". > SOKAKU: [as Casey] Something about mistaken fruits? > Casey's face took on a vicious expression, "Your little girl has FANG: [as Casey] Succumbed to the dark powers of Barbie! > finally returned, Thomas, you knew that DarkWind couldn't protect her > forever", he said. BRIAREOS: [as Thomas] I never should have trusted that Dorkwind! > > Ryouga was startled as his companion launched himself at the > window, only have his fingers slammed by the quickly close door. The SOKAKU: Any relation to Glenn Close? > man who Ryouga now knew was called Thomas, howled and beat his fists > against the metal door. Finally, his fists bleeding he sat down > again. SOKAKU: [as Ryouga] You've been alone in her that long, eh? FANG: I can't tell if that's dirty or just dumb. > > "Do you know my daughter?", Thomas asked a stunned Ryouga. > BRIAREOS: [as Ryouga] No, but Val Venis does! > "Uhh, well what's her name?", Ryouga asked. > SOKAKU: [as Thomas] My Daughter, duh! > "Her mother and I called her Kathy", he said sadly. > FANG: [as Ryouga] Well, we call her 'the bitch'! > ***** > > Jim was frustrated, he couldn't find any reason for Ranma and his > friends to be changing shape, there was no genetic changes, in either > forms. There seemed to be no logical explanation for it. Everyone had BRIAREOS: -said that it was magic and part of a boring plot device. > been tested (with the exception of Miss Tanaka, who fainted away at > the sight of a needle). Jim smiled, the woman tried to be strong and FANG: -failed horribly. > independent, but had found herself in a *very* unusual situation. > "I'd better go and check on her", he thought to himself. SOKAKU: [as Jim] Time for my daily perv! > > Jim found Mizua Tanaka examining a model of the new Epsilon > Towers that he had designed. "What do you think?", he asked > quietly. SOKAKU: [as Jim] It's my phallic symbol! > > Mizua turned around quickly, "Don't you ever knock?", she > asked. FANG: [as Jim] No, I never went to skoolz! > > Jim smiled, "I didn't want to disturb you", he said. BRIAREOS: That's why you knock, doofus! > > "Well you've been disturbing to me ever since I met you", she > replied, still examining the model. > SOKAKU: He's been disturbing MSTers of all kinds since we met him! > Jim walked over to stand beside her, "My question still > stands, what do you think?", he asked again. > SOKAKU: [as Mizua] It's...small... > Mizua looked at the model and data, "I'm impressed, these > towers look like they can withstand upwards of a force-9 SOKAKUI: -baked beans. > earthquake, and for the height of them, that's saying something", she > replied. [Everyone groans] FANG: [annoyed] Of course! Everything Jim has is better! > > Jim nodded, "According to the design team, a force-9 quake BRIAREOS: [as Jim] -doesn't exist! I made them build it anyway, that's why the foundations of the building are paper and wouldn't withstand either a force-3 cyclone or a 1.1 quake on the Geiger scale! > would be the limit that it could withstand, but you never know. I > keep telling Dad that we should get on and build them, with the rate > Epsilon Industries is growing, we're going to need a world SOKAKU: [as Jim]-of our own! > headquarters..", Jim broke off his explanation suddenly. > > Mizua looked at his curiously, "What's wrong?", she asked. BRIAREOS: He's forgot his lines again! > > Jim turned and walked over to look at another model, this one > being a VTOL corporate jet. "Well my father and I keep having this > one argument, SOKAKU: [as Jim] -about the size of my monthly expenses. I need an another million a week, old man! > about me taking over the business", he said, "I've got > enough problems without having to worry about running a multi- > national company" FANG: Just like Batman! If he can do, you can too ya woos! ALL: [mocking] Paw liddle wich boy! > > "I should have such problems", Mizua said, smiling. > SOKAKU: [singing] I should be so lucky! FANG: Kylie Minogue in her stunning fanfiction debut! > Jim shook his head, "Well I haven't got time for that now, I'm > leaving in the morning, we just got a report on Kathy and Ryouga's > location", he said. BRIAREOS: The student still flunked though. > > "Your going alone?", she asked, playing with the pendant > around her neck, nervously. SOKAKU: It's Johnathon Brisby's pendant! Make the fic go away! > > "Well it's my responsibility", Jim sighed, "I shouldn't have BRIAREOS: [as Jim] -had that bean burrito. FANG: [as Jim] -spent all night trying to find pictures of grumpy old men! SOKAKU: [as Jim] -fallen for the lures of the dreaded AKKO! > waited so long to tell Kathy who and what she is, maybe if I had > started training her earlier...", again he broke off, his mind > wondering. ALL: Awww... poor Jimmy isn't perfect. Get over it! > > "I think you should really take some help along", Tanaka said, > "Ranma and his friends won't like being left here". BRIAREOS: No kidding? I guess they'd have to make do with PPV! > > ***** > ALL: [chanting] Bob and Margaret! Bob and Margaret! Bob and Margaret! > "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I'M STAYING HERE WHILE YOU GO AFTER > KATHY!", Akane screamed. SOKAKU: [as Akane] I thought we'd seduce her together! > > Jim winced at the volume, "Kathy is my responsibility and I > can't let the rest of you endanger yourselves", he replied. FANG: [as Jim] But it's okay if I endanger you! > > Ranma was almost as angry as Akane, "Well what about Ryouga!, BRIAREOS: The key for an exclamation and the key for a question mark are on the opposite side of the keyboard...so that's not a typo. FANG: Help desk: 'Fic needs grammar! > he's our friend too", he said. > > Nabiki looked at Ranma slyly, "Why Ranma, *your* worried about > Ryouga?", she asked. FANG: [as Ranma] My worried? What the heck is that? > > Ranma spluttered, "Of course not, I just don't want to miss > out on the fight!", he replied. BRIAREOS: Ranma Saotome: Graduate of the 'Neighbours' Acting School. > > > Jim wished Bob was around, he always knew how to break this SOKAKU: -scrawny little runt's neck! > kind of news gently. Jim had sent Bob off on a quick 'information > gathering' operation. BRIAREOS: You know the kind, the one with the mini-cameras and the shoes. >"Look I've made the decision and its final, the > rest of you will stay here!", he said, attempting to end the argument. > FANG: [as Jim] Go to bed, young man! > Cologne spoke up suddenly, "Jim, you will never accomplish > this by yourself, Moose and Shampoo *WILL* be accompanying you", > she said. SOKAKU: [as Jim] But what will I do with a hair product and Canadian animal? > > Moose and Shampoo looked startled with him>, Shampoo asked. > BRIAREOS: [as Cologne] Must...submit...to...will...of...author! > better to get in early in such matters>, she said. > FANG: Except for raffles but I win them all the time anyway! BRIAREOS: [muttering] I'm sure you bribe the committee. > Shampoo smiled happily "Yes, Shampoo help Jim find friend", > she said. FANG: [as Shampoo] Yes....and then we kill Jim...whoops! > > "Well if that Bimbo is going, then I am too", said Akane > angrily. BRIAREOS: Kill! SOKAKU: Go Akane! BRIAREOS: Wha? SOKAKU: I can't have taste? Geez! FANG: [muttering] Ukyou is the best anyway. > > "Who you call 'Bimbo', violent tomboy", Shampoo responded. > [snoring] > Just as it looked like things were going to get physical, SOKAKU: [ocker] LEEESSBIAAANSS! > Jim > stepped between the two of them. "Look I appreciate your wanting to > help, but..", he began. FANG: [as Jim] I'm the god! I'M THE GOD! > > Jim's father walked into the room, "My son, you know that FANG: [as Jim's father] - you're not really my son? Meet my real son, Shutaro Mendo. He's taking over, now zark off! > you'll need help, and these good people are offering it to you, > please accept it", he said, "and I can't afford to keep cleaning up BRIAREOS: [as Jim's father] -your room! > these messes after they have an argument". Ranma and Akane had done > quite a lot of damage over the last few days, with their arguments. SOKAKU: I could do the wink wink joke but I've overused it already. FANG: Yeah, you only beat it to death and THEN some! > > Looking slightly downcast, Jim nodded, "Alright, but I'll have to > give you all a bit of training first". BRIAREOS: WARNING! WARNING! EGO LEVEL APPROACHING CRITICAL MASS! SOKAKU: Yeah Jim, you need to train one of the most powerful martial artists in the world, because he's helpless next to you! > > It was decided that Ranma, Akane, Shampoo, Moose, Genma and > Ukyou would accompany Jim on his rescue mission. They began FANG: -to practice sucking up on Jim. > training immediately. "What do we need to train for?", ask Ranma, > acting a little offended. SOKAKU: Gee that's almost in character.... FANG: Almost being a giant chasm. > > The seven of them were standing in a large training room, > "Fighting 'true' shapeshifters is much more changeling than those FANG: Yes, they would be more changeling. > changelings that You've fought previously", Jim began, "Firstly SOKAKU: [British] -we attack them with a Banana! > remember that a shifter's skin can change from being soft to being as BRIAREOS: -silky soft as if they've been washed with 'Cuddly'! FANG: Buy 'Cuddly' today! It's SoH endorsed! > hard as steel", he said, "So you can get quite a surprise when you > punch them". Jim walked apart from the rest of the group. "Lets have SOKAKU: -a par-tay! > a bit of practice, I wont use my fighting form, but change *this* > body's structure to negate your attacks", he said. BRIAREOS: This entire scene is brought to you by the exposition council! > > Ranma and his friends spread out around Jim, who was standing > with his arms folded across his chest. Akane made the first move, SOKAKU: Oh, how bold! She's using the yawning and arm-stretching move! > throwing a punch at Jims head. Just before her hand made contact, > Jim's face took on a metal sheen. A loud *CLANG* echoed through the > hall, Akane stepped back rubbing her sore hand. Jim's head shimmered BRIAREOS: We always knew that Jim's head was empty! > again, back to normal. Ranma quickly leaped at him, kicking for Jim's FANG: Thankfully he wasn't kicking AT him! > chest. As Ranma's impacted into Jim, he suddenly felt it continue > inside Jim's body. Ranma continued through Jim's body, BRIAREOS: So, in actual fact, Ranma DIDN'T impact with Jim? FANG: God, these 'fight' scenes are so awarkwardly written it makes me want to weep! > landing on the > other side of the ring. Everyone looked at Jim in shock, as he > reformed, "Yes, that's another trick, letting your opponent's blows > pass through your body", he explained. SOKAKU: Is it just me or did that whole scene come out rather ominously? FANG: I don't want to see the fighting scenes if they're gonna be described like that! > > "How are we supposed to hurt them then?", asked Ukyou, leaning > slightly on her spatula. BRIAREOS: You could always shoot them with a phaser. > > Jim nodded at her, "There are only two ways to kill a shifter, SOKAKU: [as Jim] You throw them into a black hole or you go back in time and kill them before they kill your friend! > firstly, if you give them enough wounds to the body, they can bleed to > death. Second you can destroy their 'control' centre, killing them > instantly.", he said. FANG: Just watch out for the irate union operators! > > Everyone looked a little shocked, "You mean we have to go for > their brain?", Akane gasped. BRIAREOS: Yes, you tend to do that. > > Jim nodded, "That is the easiest way, if you get a hit in on > their brain or in its general area, you can knock them out". FANG: Now, if only we could know where they keep their brains? > > They continued to spar for a while, Jim explaining that the > best way to fight was to have one person distract the target, while SOKAKU: - Chyna interfered....AGGGAAIINN! FANG: - another gave them a massive wedgie! > someone else attacked it from behind. After about half and hour, > everyone was tired and sweating heavily. Jim took this opportunity to BRIAREOS: -take several compromising pictures! > introduce them to DarkWind. "You remember back during the fight, I > was wearing another form when I fought Hardcourt", he began. Everyone FANG: [as Akane] You were the cyborg with the head of a human kid, right? > nodded, remembering the black creature. "Well I call that creature > DarkWind, it's also my codename within the Circle", he explained. SOKAKU: [as Dick Tracy] Calling Dorkwind, uh, I mean Darkwing. FANG: [as Darkwing] I am the terror that flaps in the night! > > "Wait a minute", said Moose, "*You* are that creature aren't > you?". [The satellite shakes] BRIAREOS: What was that? FANG: That was the temporal shock as we went from past tense to present tense in one sentence! > > Jim nodded, "Yes, that's true, but while in that form, I tend to SOKAKU: [as Jim] -have strange cravings for Slim Jim! > look on things a bit differently... Lets just say that I take on a > different mindset when using my fighting form. I guess you could say BRIAREOS: [as Jim] -that my mother's spirit is in that form and goes berserk now and then! > it is like after warming up for a contest, you get ready for a fight, FANG: And then you get brained with a chair! > seeing people as potential threats or targets", he explained. > BRIAREOS: Huh, he'd never make it into ESWAT then. > Ranma looked dubious, "You can still recognise us when your in > that form can't you?", he asked. BRIAREOS: [as Jim] No, that's why I'm training you to be helpless! > > Again Jim nodded, "Yes, I'm just more alert and ready to > fight", he said, "Another point is that my physical structure is > very different to a normal human's, that is the reason for > DarkWind's strange appearance. My internal organs are moved around BRIAREOS: [as Jim] Why, my spleen now lives next to my kidney! > and my bones are strengthened - it makes for a very, strong physical > form." SOKAKU: Tragically the most sensitive area of his body gets moved onto his forehead. > > > Shimmering Jim grew taller and more muscular, his skin FANG: -became spotty. > changing to a black colour, his eye's deepening into a shade of > bright red. Jim stopped growing taller at around seven feet, his > hands turned into sharp-looing claws, his mouth grew several long FANG: -diamonds. SOKAKU: Obscure. FANG: If you're illiterate! > fangs. DarkWind stood in front of his friends, dropping into a BRIAREOS: -escape chute. > fighting crouch, Ranma noticed a pair of wings curled up tightly > against his back, almost invisible against his black skin. "Well, FANG: [as Darkwind] -have you ever danced with the devil in the moonlight? > lets see what you've got", DarkWind said in a guttural whisper. > SOKAKU: Cue the porno music! FANG: How much you want to bet Dorkwind comes out top? SOKAKU: No bet. > Ranma nodded to Ukyou and Akane, the three of them approached BRIAREOS: -the Godfather to have Jim rubbed out. > DarkWind from different directions. Genma, Shampoo and Moose also > began moving towards DarkWind, carefully positioning themselves SOKAKU: [singing] Put your left foot in... FANG: This goes there, that goes THERE! > opposite each other, as Jim had taught them. Ukyou quickly spun three BRIAREOS: -woollen jumpers. > mini-spatulas at DarkWind, as Ranma launched himself in a flying kick > to DarkWind's body. Akane imitated Ranma, but kicking for DarkWind's SOKAKU: -team. > head. DarkWind dodged under Akane's kick, grabbing her leg, stopping > her mid-air. Ranma managed to land a good solid kick, before Akane > slammed into his chest, having been used as a club. Ukyou's spatulas BRIAREOS: -were brought from a cut-price dealer and thus were plastic. > thunked into DarkWind's back, only penetrating a few layers of his FANG: -Ego field. > thick black skin. DarkWind turned in Ukyou's direction, as Moose SOKAKU: -chewed on some grass and looked on with disinterest. > released a trio of throwing stars and a quick kick. Shampoo quickly > moved in to strike with her maces. BRIAREOS: I think they're Bonbori or something. > > Jumping high into the air, avoiding Moose's kick, suddenly > DarkWind's wings unfurled knocking the throwing stars off target, SOKAKU: Ah, they must be pretty useless then? After all, you can't have wings made out of steel if you want to fly! FANG: Yeah, Shuriken slices through flesh really easily. BRIAREOS: Ah, but they're 'throwing stars' probably like the ones in the Ekka showbags! Damn plastic things. > while one of his feet caught Ukyou in the shoulder, knocking her > backwards. Genma had been waiting for an opportunity to strike and SOKAKU: -ran away like the coward he was. > saw one as DarkWind hovered mid-air, he jumped high and caught > DarkWind with a kick in the centre of his back. Unfortunately for > Genma he was battered backwards by DarkWind's wings. [Fang holds up some paper and flaps it in Briareos' face and Briareos gets thrown across the theatre.] BRIAREOS: [dazed] No jam on them muffins, ma'am! FANG: Hey, it really does work! > > Landing behind Ukyou's prone figure, DarkWind turned to face SOKAKU: [as Torgo] ThE MaStEr! [Briareos gets back into seat] > Shampoo, as she jumped forward. A quick slash of his claws split one > of her maces down the middle, the other connected with his head. A > large crack resounded through the hall, Shampoo stopped in shock, as FANG: -she had no common sense. > DarkWind's head partially collapsed inwards. DarkWind wasn't slowed SOKAKU: -since he didn't need eyes. > down and threw Shampoo across the room, moving quickly towards Ranma > and Akane. BRIAREOS: Who were both staggered by the power of the plot-contrivance field. > > Ranma was sizing up DarkWind again, Shampoo was being helped up > off the floor by Moose, his father lay dazed on one end of the room. SOKAKU: I see he's been in the sake again. FANG: I can't say that I blame him. > He shuddered as he saw the damage Shampoo's mace had done to SOKAKU: -his car! BRIAREOS: [as Misato] My..my CAR! > DarkWind's head. Then DarkWind charged across the room at him and > Akane, Ranma jumped over the attack, intending to strike from behind, FANG: [as Ichi] BEENNDDERRR! > but he was surprised to find a claw locked around one of his ankles, > spinning him around and throwing him to the ground. He hit the > practice mat hard, loosing his breath. Akane took the opportunity to > impact a flurry of kicks and punches SOKAKU: -on Ranma. >to DarkWind's stomach. Suddenly > Akane found herself backhanded across the room, she hit the wall hard > and lay still. Ranma would have run across the room to her, except > for the fact that he was finding it hard to regain his breath. BRIAREOS: And this is the guy who runs to school faster than a cat? What a wimp! > > > "Oh no.... ", said DarkWind, looking at Akane's prone figure. He > left Ranma trying to regain his breath and raced to her side, turning FANG: -into a face. He was still unpopular though. > her over. Suddenly he was knocked backward, as Akane, who had been SOKAKU: -his mother's brother's sister's neighbour's son's grandmother's twice removed counsin's sister! > faking unconsciousness, swung both her feet around to collide with BRIAREOS: Buh.. SOKAKU: Guh... FANG: ARRGH! I hate these descriptions! How the hell do you do that? > DarkWind's chest. Staggering slightly, DarkWind gave ground moving > back to the centre of the practice room. Everyone was up and moving > again, straight at him. He raised his hands, "Alright, I've had BRIAREOS: -enough time humiliating you. > enough", he said. He looked at Akane, "That was a dirty trick", he > said. > FANG: [sobbing] I like fight scenes like anyone else but that....just sucked! SOKAKU: And it's a pretty useless one since the enemy would normally pump another round into her just to be sure. FANG: Our special guest author wrote this "fight" scene: Murray 'Muddy Talker' Walker! SOKAKU: [as Murry Walker] You can't see a digital clock, because there isn't one! > Akane shrugged, "All's fair in love and war", she replied > smugly. BRIAREOS: Huh... how...witty...NOT! > > Ranma, who had seen Akane's last kick, looked at DarkWind > accusingly, "Your brains aren't in your head" he said. SOKAKU: Der moment! ALL: DEERRRR! > > DarkWind nodded, "I keep them in a safer place", he said > tapping his BRIAREOS: -rear end. > chest. > SOKAKU: Ah, a smidgen of sense. > Shampoo nodded, "Good, Shampoo worried she had hurt friend > badly". ALL: [as Shampoo] Shampoo will know where to strike to kill next time! > > Shimmering once again, DarkWind shrank down again into the > familiar form of Jim, who was rubbing his head, painfully. "I wish BRIAREOS: [singing] -upon a stttarrrrrr! > that changing forms would eliminate the damage, but it doesn't", he > groaned. FANG: Great. They can shift into any form imaginable but they can't shift a wound closed or bones healed? SOKAKU: SO why isn't he dead? He's got a huge hole in his skull then! > > "Where do your clothes go?", Genma asked. [All cover their eyes] SOKAKU: DAMMIT JIM! > > Jim smiled, "Well one of the good things about being a full > shifter is that I *don't* wear any", he replied. ALL: ARRGGHH! We've been seeing him in the buff all the time! SOKAKU: I'm unclean! I'M UNCLEAN! > > Everyone looked confused, so Jim continued to explain, "These > things that look like clothes are actually similar to your own hair > and nails, they are part of my body", he said. BRIAREOS: Therefore those 'things' is your skin? > > Genma snorted, "Good thing too, you wouldn't believe how many > sets of clothes I got through as a panda..." BRIAREOS: Yeah, but this is a comedy so nobody needs to know. FANG: You mean Ranma 1/2 is meant to be comedy? BRIAREOS: Shut up. > > ***** > > The second day of training concentrated on using their > alternate forms to the best advantage. Ranma already new how to SOKAKU: Ah, them new model Ranmas! FANG: Yeah, I can see a cat, a panda and a duck being realll helpful in combat! > fight when female, so he concentrated on working with Akane and > Ukyou, the three of them attempting to work collectively. "I wish BRIAREOS: [singing] -upon a starrrrr! SOKAKU: Would you stop that? Your musical taste sends chills up my spine! BRIAREOS: [muttering] Phistletine. > Ran-Chan and Akane would give it a rest", though Ukyou. Even though > they had been practising for most of the morning, they were little > advanced in fighting as a team. FANG: Did anyone understand that? BRIAREOS: Nope. SOKAKU: I think they were an advanced fighting team or something. >She winced as Akane caught Ranma's > jaw with a high kick and then winced again as his head hit the floor. > FANG: [bad Chinese accent] Ah, grasshopper. GET ON WITH IT! > "BAKA!", said Akane, moving to sit down beside Ukyou. > SOKAKU: [as Akane] I hate you, I'm getting married to Uykou! > "Akane! can't you *try* to get along with Ran-Chan, even if > its only for a little while??", Ukyou said in a strangled voice. BRIAREOS: [as Ukyou] What am I saying? Stay away from Ranma, you hussy! > > Akane shook her head, "Oh, its alright Ukyou, we're not really > that serious about it", she replied. SOKAKU: Well, instead of mucking around in training...why don't you... TRAIN PROPERLY! > > Ukyou looked over at Ranma's prone form. "Well just remember > what happened back at the party, this is not some tournament and the > three of use need to work at timing our attacks", Ukyou explained > slowly. > ALL: *sigh* FANG: This fic is really starting to get at me now. > Akane nodded, "Ok, if you can convince 'sawdust for brains' > over there, I'll let is slide", she offered. BRIAREOS: [badly dubbed] Ha-ha-ha-ha. FANG: Oh that lovely sense of humour. It kills us! > > Ukyou stood, "Well while we're waiting for Ran-Chan to wake > up, why don't we try some combined attacks?". SOKAKU: [as Uykou] You and me, in the closet! > > ***** > > Moose was not having one of his better days, FANG: First one to make a crack about the Canadian animal dies. BRIAREOS: -because Jughead had spilled Mayo down his shirt and Reggie stole his girlfriend! FANG: *sigh* >flying was an > effort under any conditions, but flying while a crazed raven FANG: Looks like the guy Mousse killed has come back to haunt him! SOKAKU: Shouldn't that be a crow? > attempted to clip you wings was something else. Moose was flying over > a grove of trees, somewhere near Tokyo harbour. His duck form was not > really set up to fight, BRIAREOS: Nooo? Really? And here I was thinking that ducks were vicious killers can lift twice their weight! > a webbed foot really was not much competition SOKAKU: -unless you're a member of the Chinese Olympic swim team. > for a sharp talon. He quacked to himself, SOKAKU: I quack me up! FANG: Ha-ha. Kill him. > as Jim tagged his tail > feathers again. The raven quickly levelled out and pulled in front of > him. Moose followed as the raven landed in one of the trees. > > "You've really got to try harder", said Jim as he regained his BRIAREOS: -sanity and realised that a duck just doesn't work in aerial combat. > human shape. Jim was holding a small container of hot water and > sprinkled it over the duckling sitting on the branch below him. FANG: That's no duckling! That's a swan! > > "Quack, quack... my best", said Moose as the transformation SOKAKU: -left him in a half-human half-duck form. > finished. Suddenly he realised where he was and grabbed the branch > before he could slip to the ground. > > Jim chuckled, FANG: [strained] Ha.....Ha.....Ha....Ha......Ha! BRIAREOS: Because no-one else was and he was making sure that they knew this was the funny bit! > "Look Moose, that duck form my be alright for > travelling around, but your going to be falcon food if you get SOKAKU: [as Jim] -that Stelek cannon upgrade! > caught in a fight". BRIAREOS: Der moment. ALL: DEEEERRR! >Jim jumped down to sit beside Moose, "Your > going to be scouting ahead of us and its no good you getting killed > coming back to us with a report", he explained gently. BRIAREOS: You know, that almost makes sense. FANG: Almost being a gaping chasm. SOKAKU: It's a good idea to keep your scouts inconspicuous and fast. A duck is neither, Jim. > > Moose shook his head slowly, "I'm just not used to using my > duck for so much", SOKAKU: His "duck"? FANG: Was that a typo or some horrible metaphor for his penis? > he said, "I really hate having to use it, it > humiliates me in front of Shampoo". FANG: Metaphor. > > Jim shook his head, this love triangle (or whatever shape is was > this month), FANG: *gasp* Look out for the rogue comma! SOKAKU: It's more like a * with Ranma in the centre and a few longer lines for the girls with male companions. > between Ranma and the girls was really screwing things > up, Ranma and Moose wanted to fight each other more than the enemy. BRIAREOS: *gasp* Characters IC! I never thought I'd see them like this in this fic! > "Look Moose, if you don't work this out soon, it won't matter what SOKAKU: [as Jim] -brand of Shampoo you use! > Shampoo thinks of you, without a *good* scout, the rest of use will be > dead", he said bluntly. FANG: So get one, you doof! > > Moose nodded slowly, "I understand, I'll try to do better", he > said simply. BRIAREOS: [as Mousse] Maybe if I watch 'The Birds' over and over again, I might grown talons and turn into an inconspicuous species! > > Jim nodded, "If Shampoo's training goes well, the two of you will > be our scouts... don't let that go to your head now", he said smiling. SOKAKU: [as Jim] Allow me to make a thinly veiled attempt to patch up all of your relationship problems! > > Moose's eyes seemed to glaze over, "To spend such time with my FANG: [as Mousse] - Playstation! > darling Shampoo..". Suddenly Jim pushed him out of the tree, Moose > screamed as he fell, landing in a deep pond. BRIAREOS: Of course, his martial artist skills didn't allow him to dodge? FANG: Nah, he was IC. > > A *very* upset duck rose to the surface and quaked accusingly at SOKAKU: He challenged him to a game of Quake? > Jim. "Well if I can knock you off a branch that easily, your not BRIAREOS: His not? FANG: Geez, your is indicates possision! You're is the contraction for you are! > ready for such an important position", he said. The duck quacked > something that seemed like a challenge. "Good, keep that frame of > mind", Jim replied. BRIAREOS: Okay, Jim. Now sit down. Some friends in white coats will be along shortly to take you to a nice place where you can talk to ALL the animals you want! > > A few seconds later a slightly wet duck flapped its way > quickly from the grove of trees, followed by a black raven. SOKAKU: It just occurred to me that Mousse was naked during that whole conversation. [Fang and Briareos give Sokaku odd looks] BRIAREOS: You need to get out of the house more. > > ***** > > It was later afternoon, the city of Tokyo was bustling along, > people heading home after a long day at work. Un-noticed by all, a FANG: -Gyaos was attacking Mothra while Godzilla battled Mecha-Godzilla in the imperial gardens! > pair of cats moved slowly through an alley. Shampoo was following a > jet black alley cat, that had burning red eyes. BRIAREOS: Oh, you might want some eye drops for them. >Jim stopped at the > edge of the alley, sitting down and turning to wait for her. Running > up quickly, Shampoo stopped beside him. SOKAKU: [as Shampoo] I have no will, I will obey. Obey. Obeeyy! >The black cat motioned across > the street, with one of it's paws. Shampoo followed the said paw, BRIAREOS: Because it detached from the rest of the body and run away from the fic! > looking at a bustling supermarket. Jim tapped her on the shoulder, > moving back down into the relative secrecy of the alley. Jim > shimmered back into human form, opening the stopper on a vial of hot > water. SOKAKU: Twinnings, please? > > Shampoo had been a little stunned when Jim had taken the vial > into his body when they departed Epsilon Industries that morning. From > his explanation, a shapeshifter could shift around anything, so long > as it didn't stretch their body too thin, FANG: Shapeshifters, ideal for Jenny Craig ads! > it was a rather simple SOKAKU: Because Jim was simple! > matter to take such a small vial into his cat form. Shampoo shuddered > slightly as she regained her human form, blushing as she realised that > while Jim formed his own clothes, she had none. [Sokaku and Briareos stare at the screen] BRIAREOS: YES! FANG: Seek help. > > At the expression on her face Jim had to chuckle, "Oh don't > worry about it, your a little young for me anyway", he said. [All shudder] SOKAKU: YUCK! BRIAREOS: YUCK! FANG: YUCK! BRIAREOS: You must die, pig! > > Shampoo's eyes narrowed dangerously, "What we here for?", she > asked. BRIAREOS: [as Shampoo] But that not matter, Shampoo kill! > > "I want you to sneak into that store and get me a large fish", he > said smiling. > > "If you hungry I make some ramen when we got home", she > replied. SOKAKU: Mmmm...Shampoo's steaming hot... FANG: -RAMEN! SOKAKU: Yeah...that's it... > > "No, I want to gauge how skilfully you can dodge pursuit or if > you can do it undetected", he explained. SOKAKU: Nick a fish from fishmonger? Easy as pie, huh! > > Shampoo nodded, "Alright, I get fish", she said. BRIAREOS: OOC! Shampoo speaks in third person! > > Jim looked around for some cold water to change her back, FANG: Just look for the old lady! > spotting a large puddle, he grinned slightly, "Sorry about this", he > said and quickly splashed the naked Shampoo with the dirty brown > water. BRIAREOS: [as Jim] Don't worry! You'll only get Hepatitis! > > Jim jumped back quickly as shampoo tried to claw one of his ALL: KILL HIM! KILL HIM! > legs. "Now, now, no need to be upset, it was the only thing > available", he said. BRIAREOS: Of course, he could have asked nicely at a nearby shop but nooooo! > > Jim leaned against the alley wall, waiting for Shampoo to SOKAKU: -strip the dummy of everything without disturbing the bells. FANG: You remember that movie too? SOKAKU: We're probably the only ones. > return. Things were working out quite well, Moose had finally got the > hang of dodging in SOKAKU: His wife by hiding in the bar. > mid air. "With a a bit of work Moose could even go > into a fight in his duck form", BRIAREOS: With a bit of work, I could go into a fight wearing a duck costume! FANG: With a bit of work, I could fight a pitbull while wearing a pink shirt! SOKAKU: With a bit of work, I could strip naked and powerbomb Austin! > Jim thought to himself. Ranma, Akane > and Ukyou seemed to be getting along better, even DarkWind was in SOKAKU: -his cape fighting evil ducks. FANG: MPD, it's good for you! This message is brought to you by the MPD council, wouldn't it be nice to have an invigorating conversation with yourself? > trouble fighting the three of them at the same time. "God, here I am BRIAREOS: [as Jim] -and without Brian too! > about to lead a bunch of *KIDS* in a fight for their lives.... and I'm FANG: [as Jim] -out of Slim Jims. > worried about how we'll manage to get Kathy and Ryouga out... I'm not > sure we'll even make it to were they're being held", he thought to > himself. SOKAKU: [as Jim] I am....the most....terrible...commander....EVER! > > Shaking his head Jim pushed the negative thoughts away. "If Bob > comes through we'll have at least one advantage on our side", he SOKAKU: Of course, if he brings back '8-Ball' then he'll have at least 8! FANG: Obscure....and kinda sad. > thought. Suddenly his musing was interrupted as Shampoo-cat raced BRIAREOS: -a hoon in his Holden V-8! > across the road, dodging under the wheels of several cars, carrying a > large fish in her mouth. She was being followed by the store's owner, SOKAKU: -an Indian wearing a Kwick-E-Mart name tag. > brandishing a broom. Jim grinned and quickly shifted into his cat > form, shampoo raced past him in the alley, not even noticing that his FANG: -forgetfulness was about to surface. > cat form was larger than normal. The shop- keeper did notice however, > she turned and ran, seeing a leopard sitting in the middle of the > alley. > BRIAREOS: Sparkling humour courtesy of the Undertaker. FANG: I thought he was trying to teach Shampoo evasion methods? All he's taught her is that a big cat will back you up when you're running away! SOKAKU: [as Jim] I am....the most....terrible...commander....EVER! > ****** > > "Went Bob gets back, we'll be ready to leave", Jim said FANG: Who is 'Went Bob' and when did he enter the story? > suddenly. They were having dinner, sitting in the large dining > room. Ranma and Akane looked up enthusiastically. > > "So you think know where Kathy and Ryouga are?", Ranma asked. BRIAREOS: [as Jim] Yes, they're at the bad guys' hideout! SOKAKU: [as Ranma] Great! Where's that? BRIAREOS: [as Jim] I have no idea! > > Jim nodded, "I've known where they are for a while, but *you* all FANG: [as Jim] -held me back! I hate you! > needed that training, hopefully the delay hasn't cost us anything...", SOKAKU: Except their lives or their sanity. > he said. > > "Well I guess that means you are leaving tomorrow, Sir", said Bob > from the doorway. Jim smiled and indicated for him to sit down. BRIAREOS: And then he pressed the button to electrocute Bob. > > "How was the mission?", Jim asked curiously. FANG: [as Bob] It failed, I couldn't find any Strawberry Pocky anywhere! > > "I got what we wanted", Bob said, "It was hard to find, but I got > it". Everyone was looking at him curiously. SOKAKU: [as Jim] Ohhh! I'm so excited! I've always wanted a vibrator! > > "Got what?", Ranma asked. FANG: Got Milk? > > "I'll tell you about it tomorrow", Jim said, "For now I guess we > had better get a good night's sleep. SOKAKU: Was that an attempt to create suspense? FANG: I think so. > > ***** > > Jim was settling into his bed when there was a knock at his > door. Sighing he stood and walked across the room opening the > door, "Bob I already explained...", BRIAREOS: [as Jim] We'll have plenty of time to test it out tomorrow! > he began. Suddenly he stopped, > looking at the familiar form of Mizua Tanaka. "What are you doing > here", he asked curiously. [All hum 'suspense' music from any spy movie] BRIAREOS: That's when he saw the knife! FANG: I bet she's a bad guy. SOKAKU: 10 bucks says she's clean. FANG: Better get ready to part with that money, realll soon! > > Mizua up and down the hall nervously, "Can I come in?", she > asked. FANG: How can you 'Mizua up and down a hall'? > > Jim nodded, curious as to what bought her here at this time of > night. Mizua walked past Jim into his room, looking around at SOKAKU: -the graphic records of his numerous sexual conquests! FANG: I'd berate you but you're probably right. BRIAREOS: Pictures of every woman that Jim has thrown over his shoulder? > everything carefully, "Where's Bob?", she asked BRIAREOS: Ohh, kinky! > > Jim laughed, "In his own bed, asleep, I would imagine, > although we are close, we *aren't* that close", he said. ALL: ARRRGHH! FANG: Thanks a lot, I'll be impure now! > > "Good", she said, suddenly sitting down on Jim's bed. SOKAKU: And suddenly screaming for help! > > Jim frowned, "This isn't like you", he said. FANG: That's because she's really a bad guy! > > Mizua didn't reply, she just waited to see what he would do. Jim > looked at her strangely, noticing the ever-present pendant that she > always wore. "That's a nice jewel, may I have a look", he asked. SOKAKU: Ohhh, I never noticed thaat! FANG: Hahahaha! Suckkkerr! I knew the moment there was a mention of the pendant! BRIAREOS: Me too. SOKAKU: *cough cough bullshit cough* > > Mizua clutched it to her chest, "It was a present from a close > friend, I don't want to take it off", she said. BRIAREOS: [as Mizua] She said to take the cyanide if you ever put the moves on me! > > Jim nodded again, "Very well, what do you want?", he asked > bluntly. ALL: Your life. > > She blushed and layed out suggestively on the bed, "One > guess", she said. SOKAKU: Mmmmm... now if only it wasn't so obvious. > > Jim's eyes narrowed dangerously, "This is definitely out of > character", BRIAREOS: [as Jim] If I wasn't such a stud! > he moved quickly towards her, grabbing one of her arms, > forcing her too look him straight in the eye, "What the hell is wrong SOKAKU: [as Jim] With my aura of smooth? > with you", he said. Her arms shifted strangely under his hand. FANG: They turned into jelly beans! SOKAKU: Mmm...jelly beans. > Suddenly he was picked up and thrown across the room, hitting the wall > hard. SOKAKU: Of course, he could've shifted into a liquid but that would be against the plot. > > "You could have made it easy on yourself, DarkWind", Mizua > said standing over his prone shape, "I would have killed you while you FANG: [as Mizua] -did the Riverdance impression! > slept". Suddenly Mizua shimmered, reforming into an eight foot tall, SOKAKU: -basketball player. > female warrior, wearing glinting armour. She reached down and placed > her hands around Jim's neck and began to squeeze. BRIAREOS: Woo-hoo! Nearly free! FANG: YES! [to Sokaku] Pay up! SOKAKU: KILL HIM! KILL HIM! FANG: Hey! SOKAKU: I mean, Jim. ALL: KILL HIM! WOOO-HOO! BRIAREOS: It'll never happen though. SOKAKU: We can always hope... > > > ------------------------TO BE CONTINUED-------------------------- > > AUTHOR'S NOTE: > > How many people want to strangle me for ending this part like > this???? - well take a number, my pre-readers are already forming a > line. Well, criticise me for ending it like this, if you may, but at > least anyone who reads the story will probably want to read the next > part, even if only to find out what happens to Jim. ALL: Nah. > > Thanks for everyone who's commented so far, I really enjoy > hearing your opinions. Well I'd better get on and write the next bit > then.... before the letterbombs start arriving...... SOKAKU: Actually they're to discourage you from writing! > > > ----Brett Handy (aka: DarkWind) > > Keep those responses coming.... > > Mail at: darkwnd@sv.net.au > Web Page: http://www.sv.net.au/~darkwnd > **This is still under construction** SOKAKU: No kidding? It's not even there. [They all leave the theatre] BRIAREOS: Man that was one huge sucker. [The viewscreen flickers on showing only Hitomi] (HL) HITOMI: How did it go? (SoH} BRIAREOS: Oh, same old. Same old. FANG: As per usual. SOKAKU: I need some jelly beans. (HL) HITOMI: Don't you worry! I've got plenty here for you! [Hitomi holds up a stack of Star Trek novels] (SoH) ALL: AAHHHHHHHH!!!! SOKAKU: I really need some jelly beans. [Sokaku ambles off to the right] FANG: [whispering to Briareos] What happened to Yoshi? BRIAREOS: [whispering back] I don't want to know. (HL) HITOMI: Oh well, push the button Yoshi! Oh, yeah. I sent him out to buy tickets for the Tom Jones concert [Fang and Briareos shudder] HITOMI: [waving fist about] I'll get you, boobies! [Hitomi pushes the button] SOKAKU: [voice over] HEY! WHO ATE MY PINK JELLY BEANS! ------------- MSTers notes. Frot. Zark. Gobble. MSTing this part was like trying to run in the Gold Coast marathon, it was a stonking huge 50k before I'd started and now is? My riffs probably aren't as funny in this part...but that was the effect of the pure drugery of going through this. Avid readers will notice that I've actually changed the feel of the host segements a bit with the action moving from just the main room to the whole three levels (sorta). Mebbe I'll make an image of the deck plan in the future. Keep the feedback coming in! Positive, negative or neutral, I don't mind! Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings http://lefty.simplenet.com/svam/ My homepage http://www.powerup.com.au/~foster/ -------- MSTings so far: -------- #1 Trial By Fire part one - [Gundam] #2 Trial By Fire part two - [Gundam] #3 Trial By Fire part three - [Gundam] #4 Neo Armageddon Evangelist. - [Neon Genesis Evangelion] #5 Shifters parts one and two- [Ranma 1/2] #6 Shifters part three - [Ranma 1/2] #7 Neo Armageddon Evangelist [Neon Genesis Evangelion] with short: A Surfing Tale [Misc] #8 Shifters part four - [Ranma 1/2] #9 Shifters part five -[Ranma 1/2] #10 Shifters part six - [Ranma 1/2] #11 Neon Genesis Evangelion II: Jackal's Saga. ---- Stinger: > Jim just shrugged and opened a large pair of double doors, > "James Williams the Second!", called an old, but powerful voice, > "How many times do I have to tell you - KIDNAPPING IS ILLEGAL!". ---